The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 160: Why You Keep Sabotaging Love Without Realizing It | In The Trenches
Release Date: September 9, 2025
Host: Sabrina Zohar

Episode Overview

This solo "In The Trenches" episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show finds Sabrina answering listener questions about dating, anxious attachment, and the internal patterns that can lead to self-sabotage in love. Sabrina reads listener stories and messages live for the first time, ensuring authentic reactions and in-the-moment insights. Topics covered range from relationship "rough patches" that trigger insecurity to self-awareness around recurring conflicts, plus how to sift between genuine red flags and personal anxieties in dating. The episode emphasizes compassion, self-inquiry, and practical advice for anyone struggling to feel secure in relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Update and Growth Mindset (02:40–05:20)

• Sabrina shares her own journey around health anxieties and the experience of taking proactive steps (like getting a Prenuvo scan) after a family health scare.
• Reflects on the importance of authenticity and resisting pressure to "change who you are to be palatable for others."
• Notable Quote:

  “Who you are is more than enough. We need more real people... that is how we connect.” (05:00, Sabrina)

2. Listener Letter: Anxiety in a Promising Relationship (05:45–16:30)

Story Summary

• “Leanne” writes in: She’s three months into a relationship with a man who ticks every box—values, chemistry, emotional steadiness—but life keeps throwing curveballs (family emergencies, job travel, bereavement) that limit their time together and trigger her anxiety.
• She worries she’s “sabotaging” a great thing by searching for red flags and “spiraling,” but also doesn’t want to cling to fantasy. Her (other) dating coach suggests his life chaos is a pattern and Leanne should “move on,” advice she finds harsh.

Sabrina’s Analysis & Advice

• Sabrina calls out the difference between circumstantial chaos and avoidant patterns:

  “So his cousin dying, his mother getting sick, his friend in a car accident—that’s a pattern? That’s a pattern?... The pattern I’m seeing is that he’s consistently showing up for you.” (09:20)

• Encourages self-inquiry around what Leanne really wants, especially regarding her partner’s work/travel obligations:

  “If you are not okay with this being his life... you have all the rights in the world to take up that space.” (10:50)

• Suggests dialoguing with the “angry little girl” inside—the part that feels heartbroken things aren’t going smoothly. Sabrina invites reflection: Is the distress about external circumstances, or core beliefs (“I can never have what I want”)?
• Introduces the idea of “doing nothing” if unsure, and normalizes that sometimes incompatibility is just reality.
• Reframes anxious spiraling as the mind looking for a problem to resolve uncertainty, not evidence of being “crazy.”
• Notable Quotes:

  “What does that little girl’s anger really mean about your story?” (12:10)
  “I don’t want to gaslight you into thinking it’s all your anxiety creating narratives... It’s interpreting his behavior, meaning something else.” (14:30)
  “Maybe it’s just: Oh, there is no problem. That’s just this person.” (15:10)

3. Question: 'Knowing You in a Past Life'—Red Flag or Not? (17:00–19:38)

• Listener wonders if people saying “I feel like I’ve known you in a past life” is red flag behavior, possibly love bombing.
• Sabrina’s take:

  “If somebody told me, I feel like I’ve known you in a past life... I’d be curious about their experience but also... say, ‘I don’t personally give into that school of thought.’” (18:25)

• Suggests not over-pathologizing a passing statement, but if repeated or excessive, it could be overwhelming or even love bombing. Stresses boundaries and the importance of respecting different levels of spirituality.

4. Listener Story: Insecurity, Projection, and Communication Breakdown (20:00–36:00)

Story Summary

• Listener (age 32, trans woman) has been seeing a guy for two months, exclusively but not officially.
• Early in dating, an incident at her workplace where she complimented a co-worker led her date to echo her “she’s pretty” comments, sparking insecurity and escalating tension.
• Subsequent interactions have led to repeated references back to the incident, passive-aggressive exchanges, and miscommunications (mostly via text), with her feeling invalidated and him feeling exasperated (“here we go again...”).
• Listener later reveals feeling extra insecure knowing she is this man’s first trans partner, worrying she’s “not enough” and bracing for rejection.

Sabrina’s Analysis & Advice

• Neutral, non-judgmental breakdown of both sides: points out how the listener both “set him up” and then was triggered by a response to her own compliment.
• Calls out protest behaviors (“I’ll go out with a cute kitchen boy, then!”) as ways to provoke reassurance, which can create a cycle of escalation.
• Names the real root as deeper insecurity connected to her identity:

  “I do believe he sees me as a woman fully and genuinely... But it’s a lot to grip with. I understand.” “I think what’s happening is you’re feeling insecure, like you’re not enough and you’re not woman enough... You are more than enough as you are.” (34:00)

• Urges direct, vulnerable dialogue with her partner about the real feelings, instead of triangulating over unrelated incidents or via text.
• Shares a personal anecdote about projecting insecurity onto her own partner when he was “not her type,” showing how issues of worth and belonging play out regardless of gender or orientation.

Notable Quotes:

“You’re waiting to be like, see, there it is. Knew it was going to be a problem. That’s what makes it confusing—because I do believe he really likes me, but...” (33:15)
“Ain’t nobody gonna fucking advocate for your needs, your wants, your desires like you are.” (35:20)

5. Self-Compassion, Parts Work, and Self-Acceptance (36:00–end)

• Sabrina closes by discussing “parts work”—the idea that different parts of ourselves (the angry one, the critical one, the sweet one) all try to keep us safe, but can become fused and create inner chaos.
• Notable Quote:

  “If you don’t believe that you are worthy and deserving of more, you’re never going to see it. Because you will see what you believe, not believe what you see.” (36:50)

• Stresses that everyone deserves love and belonging, and that healing and breaking sabotage patterns is about being ready to receive what you want by believing in your own worth.

Notable Moments & Quotes

| Timestamp | Speaker | Moment/Quote | |------------|----------|-------------| | 05:00 | Sabrina | “Who you are is more than enough. We need more real people... that is how we connect.” | | 09:20 | Sabrina | “So his cousin dying, his mother getting sick, his friend in a car accident—that’s a pattern?... The pattern I’m seeing is that he’s consistently showing up for you.” | | 12:10 | Sabrina | “What does that little girl’s anger really mean about your story?” | | 14:30 | Sabrina | “I don’t want to gaslight you into thinking it’s all your anxiety creating narratives... It’s interpreting his behavior, meaning something else.” | | 18:25 | Sabrina | “If somebody told me, I feel like I’ve known you in a past life... I’d be curious about their experience but also... say, ‘I don’t personally give into that school of thought.’” | | 33:15 | Sabrina | “You’re waiting to be like, see, there it is. Knew it was going to be a problem. That’s what makes it confusing—because I do believe he really likes me, but...” | | 34:00 | Sabrina | “I think what’s happening is you’re feeling insecure, like you’re not enough and you’re not woman enough... You are more than enough as you are.” | | 36:50 | Sabrina | “If you don’t believe that you are worthy and deserving of more, you’re never going to see it. Because you will see what you believe, not believe what you see.” |

Structural Outline with Timestamps

• 00:30 – Host welcome, show’s tone (community, real talk, gratitude)
• 02:40 – Quick life update: health, authenticity, accepting not being for everyone
• 05:45 – First listener letter: relationship sabotage & anxiety (“Leanne’s story”)
• 07:45 – Sabrina’s empathetic response, breaking down “patterns” vs. circumstance
• 12:10 – Examining childhood beliefs driving current anxiety
• 14:30 – When to accept reality, when to challenge your own narratives
• 17:00 – Second listener Q: “Knowing you in a past life”—is it a red flag?
• 20:00 – Third listener Q: Patterns of insecurity and communication issues in dating
• 26:00 – Reading of listener’s real text conversations, meta-analysis
• 33:00 – Layered identity insecurity, conversation about trans identity & dating
• 36:00 – Final thoughts; parts work, self-worth, advocating for your own needs

Tone & Takeaways

Sabrina’s warm, candid, and no-nonsense style provides both challenge and comfort. She doesn’t shy away from naming anxious behaviors for what they are (projection, protest), but her approach is always rooted in compassion and the goal of self-awareness. The episode’s central lesson is that real growth in love comes from understanding your own stories, advocating for your needs, and holding the belief that you are already enough.

For Listeners:
If you struggle to feel secure in relationships, suspect your anxiety is sabotaging intimacy, or want a real-world, compassionate take on modern love, this episode will help you reflect, feel seen, and gain actionable insights.

Resources Mentioned:

• Foundations Course (“includes monthly group coaching”)
• 1:1 sessions with Sabrina, write-ins welcome at inthetrenches@sabrinazohar.com
• Previous episode on IFS (Internal Family Systems/Parts Work)

Connect:

• Instagram: @thesabrinazoharshow
• TikTok: @sabrina.zohar