← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
160: Why You Keep Sabotaging Love Without Realizing It | In The Trenches
00:36:06
Loading summary
Transcript7 lines
- [00:01]
A
You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
- [00:30]
B
Hello. Hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We're back for another bonus episode, babes. We're in the trenches. I am answering your questions. Me, you, you, and me and no one else here. So, guys, I hope you love the solos. I'm open. I'd love to know what do you guys want more of? What do you want to hear? What don't you? I am so receptive. Guys, as always. Thank you for showing up, allowing me to be me and show up as you because today we're going to get to all of your questions. Maybe a profile audit will see and by the end of it, you're going to have so much more clarity about how to show up in dating in a different way. And I got some text messages we're going to read. So we're going to give you the other side of the coin so that we can start to understand perspective ships. As always, guys, please don't forget, if you need anything at all, everything's in the Lincoln bio. You want to work one on one, join the foundation course. Anything you need, everything will be there. And guys, just thank you for being here. Please don't forget to rate, review the show, subscribe, follow along, leave a comment, put it in your Facebook groups. It helps me grow in more ways than words can say and I'm just so grateful for you guys. So thank you for showing up as you and along allowing me to show up as me. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, babes. All right, I'm trying, I'm hearing you guys. I'm trying to, like, shorten up the intros. We're getting right on into the meat and potatoes and today we're going to answer your questions. So as always, guys, friendly reminder, if you want to write in, it's in the trenches@sabrina zohar.com that comes to us and we will then go through and see if any of these things can help. So you can send screenshots, profile, whatever you guys need. We're here to help. And as always, I'm just grateful and I'll give you Guys, kind of a little update here. As you can see, the studio's finally kind of getting set up, which I'm really stoked. It feels really nice to, like, be a little bit more balanced. As you guys saw, we have some of the courses that we took off and enrollment ended because we got some new stuff coming, and I'm ready to evolve and grow. And, guys, I'm a little nervous. I'm not gonna lie. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I'm grateful. I did a scan with Prenuvo. So as you guys know, some of you, if you follow along on socials, my mama went to the doctor with a headache, and they found six brain aneurysms that corroded the top half of her vessel and two carotid arteries in her neck. And her doctors had been telling us, like, hey, y', all, this is hereditary. You need to go get tested. And I had been terrified, because MRIs give me the heebie jeebies, and I have left every single one unless they're open. And so when I found Prenuvo, I was like, wait a minute. They scan for, like, tons more stuff. And I was like, okay, it's not cheap, but, like, I needed to get it done. And it was one of those, like, my health as well, and it was amazing. Oh, my God, it was such an experience. You put, like, this headpiece on, and you can watch tv, and it looks like the tube is bigger. So my claustrophobia didn't exist. I took a sedative, and it's just. I couldn't recommend this more. And so I'll link it in the show notes if you guys are ever interested. But for me, health is wealth. And as you guys know, my mama got her health scare again. And after that, I was like, I need to go get tested to make sure that all of us are in a place that health. Without it, what are you going to do? So that's a little bit about me still dealing with my health stuff, still going through my mold detox, but here with you guys and excited to be here with you guys and really, every single day, kind of growing more and more into. I am not for everybody, and that is okay. I am so exhausted with just being myself and having somebody try to tell me that they don't like it and feel like that's appropriate, feel like their faceless troll names are allowed to say anything, and that we have to automatically acclimate to it. And then the irony is those people never see us again. Half of those people aren't even real or they're just scrolling through, leaving their misery elsewhere. And it's similar in dating or some of these people that you might match with, you might never see again or meet or a date that you had or a person that you were with. And I know it's so tempting to give into those old core beliefs of like, I should need to change and I have to do all that and I will be your reminder. You don't have to change. You can take feedback, right? If somebody's telling you, like, hey, you're really reactive and you're not listening, it's like, okay, that might be really, really inform, like really good data and information, but outside of that, stay who you are. You don't need to change who you are to be more palatable for other people. You can grow and evolve, and we're all here on that growth journey. But who you are is more than enough. And we need more real people. We need more people with thoughts and feelings and emot and are are not scared to put them out there because at the end of the day, that is how we connect. That is the only way that we're going to build this community is by showing up in different ways. So just wanted to give you guys that reminder. Okay, Sabrina, I could really use your insight. Let's go, babes. And reminder. First time reading these. I specifically do that because I want the authentic. Ryan had me read one the other day and I kept making comments and he was like, oh, I was hoping you'd respond that way. And I was like, no, no, I don't want to read this anymore. I was like, because I'm going to miss the realness that I have with you guys because this is our first time together. So let's do this. I'm reaching out because I've been listening to your show, especially the IFS episode. Wow, did that hit home? I love dick shorts and I just need to talk to someone who really gets it. I hired a dating coach a while ago, but honestly, I regret not hiring you. That's okay, baby. I feel like they're just trying to keep me on a treadmill, pushing me towards more in depth dating strategies when really I just have anxiety. All right, let's get in there, y'. All. I started dating someone in May. We met online and right away it felt shockingly aligned. He's successful, emotionally steady, lives nearby, shares my values and wants the same things in life. Really quick side note, I am reading these as they come in. That doesn't mean that this doesn't pertain to whatever pronoun you are. I have people writing in every single day of like, your advice is only for women. Can't you talk to guys? And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. I talk to everybody. The reason that these are gender norms is this is what we're written in. So please use the pronouns to however it works and fits for you. Because this information doesn't just hit with one gender. So we're both looking for a long term partnership. And we even talked about marriage and retirement in ways that match. The chemistry is wild, but it also feels easy. I feel calm with him in a way I haven't with anyone else. So what's the problem? Life. Chaos. Curveballs. We've only had three months together and so much has happened. The first weekend we met, his mom had a stroke and he had to fly to Ohio. That was hard, especially since he works out of state two weeks out of every month. I'm totally okay with that in theory, but when half of our time together gets cut by emergencies, it adds up. Communication during those times has also felt a bit lacking, though we've talked about it. Now we have weekly FaceTime schedules really quick. Just a side note, this is so fucking human because, like what she said at first, in theory, it's the same with long distance. I hear this every day of like, oh yeah, no, we can make it work. And then as it happens, you're like, wow, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. And it's like, that's really real. And I'm really proud of you for being honest of like, you know, it's not as easy as I thought. Despite the distance, he shown up for me when we came back from a trip to Rocky Point with his daughter and mom, who thankfully recovered well. I'm so happy to hear he spent five hours fixing my water heater. Running all around town to find the right parts without a hint of frustration. Huge green flag. That is really lovely. And he's been consistent in texting, even if not super emotionally deep, which we want. I think I've just been unfairly wanting more emotional intensity via text when that's not who he is and he's working insane hours in engineering on a boat off the east coast. But still, I start to spiral. I'm noticing myself trying to find red flags, digging for reasons to run. And honestly, I think it's my angry little inner girl might be the one that's heartbroken that this isn't going smoothly. After finally finding someone that could be right, I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. Listening to your IFS episode brought me to tears because I felt seen and I'm trying to do the work. I see my therapist Friday. I'm not giving up. I'm so tired, though. I hear you and I feel you so hard. Please know you're not alone. Baby. Since May, his cousin died. Oh, God, Poor thing. His best friend got into a terrible car accident, and now he just told me he's staying an extra week at work. It's like, how much more? He's never ghosted or pulled away. He admits he hasn't been able to date me in the way I deserve, and he's taking accountability, says he wants to do better, that he is that guy who does the little things. But my coach is telling me this is a pattern, that this is just who he is, that I need to move on. And I'm like, really? Is the rest of my life just going to be tragedy after tragedy? That feels so harsh. And honesty, like a sales pitch to keep me coaching. You, on the other hand, have helped me calm down.
- [07:45]
A
Down.
- [07:45]
B
You've made me realize, made me feel sane when I've been spiraling. I even tried to break up with him in a panic, but he didn't let it happen. And I'm so grateful. I guess I'm asking for your take. I don't want to keep holding on to a fantasy, but I also don't want to walk away from somebody good just because it's going through a rough beginning. How do I know if this is just life being life or if the universe is waving a red flag? I'm not ready to give up, but I can't keep running myself in circles either. Thank you for listening. It means the world. Leanne. Oh, Leanne, baby girl, I'm so proud of you. First of all, I'm so proud of everyone listening, but I'm so proud of you because what a beautifully written email of so much self awareness. Okay, so let's back up. I'm not going to talk shit. I'm going to talk shit. I think what your coach is saying is really. It's not fair in the context. It's one thing if he just, like, kept forgetting things because he was going out with his boys. Okay, that's a pattern, right? I'd be like, oh, no, he just doesn't prioritize you. This isn't a fudgeing pattern. So his cousin dying, his mother getting Sick. His friend getting in a car. That's a pattern. That's a pattern. So things completely outside of his control to your dating coach is a pattern? I think the pattern I'm seeing is that he's consistently showing up for you. I think the pattern I'm seeing is that he's. Anytime he can, he's investing his time in you. Like you said, fixing your water heater for five hours when you guys go back to a trip. I think what's happening here is a case of proximity and timing. What Mama Zoe has been saying since I was a kid. And this is also part of the yellow cab theory, right? That we've talked about that. I've made videos about that. When a man is ready and is a man. Women doesn't matter when a they. When a person is ready, they're going to be able to commit. In a way, then perhaps they weren't right. Proximity and time, timing. Now I'm with you. I don't think it's time to throw the towel in. But what I will say is it's time for us to face realities here. So what's not changing? What's not changing at this time? Sounds like his job. That sounds like a really. That doesn't mean it never will, but that sounds like right now. So if you. Are you okay with this being his life, where he has to travel, that's something that's like. Even when you date, like a flight attendant, things like that, it's not there. What do you want these poor people to do? That's their job. But you have every right to take up space and say, oh, I don't want to date someone like that. Right? Like, I. You have every right to say, that doesn't work for me. I want somebody that is more home. Right? Everybody is different. Like, for me, I prefer somebody that works from home, that is more local for other people. Like one of my really good friends, she loves the fact that she and her husband travel all the time separately. Like, it really works for them because when they're together, it's super intentional. She's out doing her speaking gigs. Her husband's an engineer, and he's constantly traveling different parts of the world. It works for them. So there is no right or wrong. But I would say that is the reality is that, like, he has this job for right now. And if that's going to be where you're like, I am not okay with it. You have all the rights in the world to take up that space. But then I would say, okay, so then are we being realistic about then what would happen? So hypothetically speaking you say okay then I'm not going to do this. Right. I don't want somebody that works like this. That's fine. What are you giving up then? In order to receive that this episode is sponsored by Nutrafol. I will not go a day without neutral. It is the only supplement I take every single day like clockwork. Because I can forget others, but I will never forget my four pills of neutral every single day. And I will tell you why. My hair was thinning, I was shedding. Like I was creating little Sabrinas all over the house with how much my hair was shedding and I was just having hair issues and it was really bothering me. It was getting into my mental health. Of course I'm on camera all the time. And whether you're dating or you're putting yourself out there like feeling your best and looking your best is so important. And I love Neutrful because it has a proactive approach and neutrful targets root causes which is really important because it's not just about slapping a band aid over something. It's about really getting down to the bottom of it so that we have control over our health. And I love it. Cuz there is no compromising sexual performance. You take four pills a your meal and wham bam that is it. That's all you need to do to have incredible hair. And so guys, Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. For good reason baby. You can feel great about what you're putting into your body. Since Nutrafol hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF Contents certified which is the gold standard in third party certification for supplements. You can see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Neutropol for a limited time. Neutropol offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to nutrafol.com and enter the promo code Sabrina, find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@nutrafol.com that is spelled n u t r a f o l.com and the promo code is Sabrina. That's nutrafol.com and the promo code Sabrina. Again I'm never going to tell you guys what to do. That is never my job. But what I will say is you are that angry little girl. I'd be curious to understand you're saying that angry little girl is upset because she's heartbroken that this isn't going smoothly after finding someone that could be right. What I actually hear is, so you're telling me that little girl is angry because it's not going smooth? How does she know the difference? It sounds like maybe that little girl. Is she angry that maybe we're not listening to her? Is she angry? If she's angry that it's not going smoothly, then my thoughts back to her are, well, how is that in your control? What does that mean about her? What is the story that she's internalizing about it not working? I finally found my person. Finish the sentence for me. Or, I finally found someone, but here again, I can never have what I want or I'm never going to have what I finally believe I deserve. I don't know. Right. I want to explore that because I think that whatever part of you is coming out is so real, is so valid. And she's tired. So what is she tired of? Is she tired of fantasizing and saying, but why can't this just work? Well, then maybe we need to sit with her and say what doesn't work for her again? I don't ever want you to feel like you have to make a decision right now. You said it. I'm not ready to make it. My mom has always said, when you don't know what to do, don't do anything at all. But I would say if you're having real conversations with him, like, okay, so another week. I understand it's frustrating, but I want you to think of, okay, in a year from now, if nothing changes, are you going to be okay? If your answer is no, and he's saying, this is his career, this is his job, I couldn't fathom if the opposite were true. Like, if Orion came to me saying, listen, I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle you being in the public eye, I'd be like, okay, well, then I don't think we're right for each other because I'm not changing that. Right? Like, that's my career. This is what I love to do. If you're not cool with it, you have every right to say that, and I will expect that. But that doesn't mean I need to change or stop what I'm doing. That's just misalignment, and that is very real. But I think with him, it's like, if this is his career and this is his passion, it's like, can you guys bridge the gap does that mean that maybe you spend, you know, a month together doing something different and then when he goes away. Right. I want you to just be honest. Because if this is somebody that you really like, that you really believe in, that you really feel so seen, heard and understood and you feel so safe with them, then what I'm hearing is maybe you're just feeling that when he leaves, he's abandoning and. Right. That doesn't mean he is, but that's the feeling and that's really real. Ryan and I went through that. So we had a bed divorce. We sleep in separate rooms. Because your girl cannot sleep with someone. It was my choice for anyone that wants to talk shit because people love to do that. And his therapy, he had talked to his therapist and he kept saying in the mornings I feel disconnected from you. And he said it's because at night I feel like I'm being abandoned. And I was I going to do. Tell him he's lying. I was like, oh, all right. Well you of course know consciously that that's not what I'm doing. I just literally can't. So we had to figure out what would help us. So at night we have a, like a two minute cuddle and we lay there and he even literally smells me so that he can have the pheromones. We tuck each other in first thing in the morning we have a two minute hug to reconnect what would be changed. The only difference is that we're not sleeping next to each other. But my partner felt abandoned. And that is really valid. And it doesn't mean it's factual, but that means that it's real for him. And so we came up with what would help him. That's my same advice is can you talk to this person of like, I feel really abandoned every time you leave. And I'm not saying that that's you, that's the little girl that perceives that when you go away, it's because there's something wrong with us. And maybe you guys can talk about it and then maybe you decide that it's not going to work for you. But I would. I think there is some validity to. I don't want to say this is all your anxiety creating narratives. It's not what it's about, but I think it's interpreting his behav. You're meaning something else and you're saying, I want the. I'm looking for a problem. It's like because your brain can't gripe with he has distance. It must mean there's Something wrong with me. And now your brain's like, don't. But wait, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. So it's trying to figure out, well, then what's the problem? And it could just be, oh, there is no problem. That's just this person and that I have needs and desires, and so does he. So maybe that could just be it. I don't want to gaslight you into thinking that there's anything wrong with you or that you're crazy or you're anxious or anything like that. Maybe it's just that your body is looking for a problem with, like, well, when there's distance, it must mean this. So I have to find the problem instead of acknowledging and saying, oh, that might not be the issue anymore. Because that little girl maybe needs to learn that chaos doesn't. Or that when we find somebody, it doesn't mean that they have to check every box or be perfect. Just like maybe we needed to be. Whatever resonates, baby. I throw things out there, and you guys take what sticks and leave what doesn't. So I'm proud of you, Leigh Ann. All right, next question. Please keep this question anonymous. You got it, baby. I'm curious as to what your experience or thoughts are when someone says they feel like they've known you in a past life. There's the thoughts. Sorry. Didn't mean for that to happen. I did. I'm 26 and have been consistent in therapy for about five years. Proud of you. So someone telling me this or someone acting like they know me after being in each other's life for less than six months rubs me the wrong way. And I'm starting to see it as bit of a red flag. I think the only person I felt this to be relevant was my ex wife when I was married at 21. Yes, I know. Even now when I think about it, it feels like I fell for something. I'm seeing it as a scapegoat. Not sure if this is the correct word to use as I can think of def. I don't think it's a scapegoat, but I think excessive 100 sounds like it could be love bombing or excessive amount of lust or attraction rather than actually knowing someone and feeling the connection. Thank you for all the love, knowledge and kindness. Oh, baby, I'm with you. And I think, here's the thing. Someone's saying, I feel like I've known you in a past life. Now maybe they resonate with that I might not, right? Like, maybe I do. Maybe I don't school of thought. I'm still out. My jury is still out. I don't know that I believe in that, but I kind. Sometimes I do. Right. And so I think, like, I'm allowed to have some skeptics skepticism. If somebody told me, I feel like I've known you in a past life, I think my response to that would be, okay. And what makes you think that? Like, I'd be curious about their experience, but also can validate, like, okay, well, that's your experience. And I would have no problem being like, I don't personally give into that school of thought. I don't believe that I've known you in a past life. I feel like I'm just getting to know you now. And I'd love to maybe go a little slower because while you might feel that I don't necessarily reciprocate that, and I'm very present in this moment and a little bit more cerebral in where we are now versus the ethereal where you feel like we've been. It's the same as, like, some people that, like, really believe in, like, human design and astrology and things like that. Everyone is welcome to believe whatever they want to believe in. Like, I. My mom does tarot cards with me, and Ryan rolls his eyes. Cool. Then that means, like, I don't share that with him. And when I do, he's just like, okay, babe, whatever makes you happy. Cool. But I wouldn't. If I told Ryan I feel like I've known you in a past life, he'd probably be like, cool. I don't know what the that means, but no, thank you. He has. Both of us have every right to have our responses. And so I think it's just about if this person doesn't stop, right? Like, if it's consistent of, like, I've known you in a past life and you're my per. That's when I would just be like, hey, this is feeling really overwhelming. I don't really know you very well, but if it's just a passing statement, so be it. I would have been like, okay, cool. I don't reciprocate that. But hey, man, whatever you feel right with. That's kind of my point of like, we want to look at how far does this go? Is it them just making a statement? Okay, so they're just making a statement. Thank you so much. For me, I'm with you. I'm kind of just like, all right, can we focus on where we are now? But I also don't want to disrespect anybody that is more spiritual and believes in that. Like, good luck, Godspeed. That's your thing. All right, we got some text, baby, let's go. And also just a side note, guys, as always, if you need anything else, please know that there is the foundation course. I have cut the other courses just because it was time. Right. We have new things coming and I will announce those as they come. But if you need anything, the foundation course does include free group coaching every month with Sheila, who is my coach. I do ifs parts work with her and she creates a really beautiful like vessel where you can have that monthly and you can come together and talk about things that are coming up and that doesn't. It's not going anywhere. So I just want you guys to know that that is included with all the courses so you have the support. And as always, if you need anything, you can work one on one with me. You can have a session, you can ask a question, or you could just write more in at inthetrenches@sabrina zawa.com and I'll answer them here for everybody to hear. Whatever you guys need, please know you're not alone. And I just want you to that the resources are available. Whatever you guys need. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. It's interesting. We turn to some pretty funny places for support, but truthfully, not everyone is a therapist. And honestly, not everyone should be. But we've all done it. Maybe you go to your barista, maybe you go to your hairdresser, maybe you go to your the person that you just thinks is listening to you, hears you and sees you. But what's funny is what we talk about every day. And when you're looking for that help with relationships, anxiety, depression or any other clinical issues, these people might not have all the right answers. So instead, why don't we get guidance from a licensed therapist on online with Better Help. I personally have been on better help since 2018 and it changed my life. I have had multiple different therapists at different times of my life depending on the season and what I needed. And what I love is that you can go on to Better Help. If you don't find anybody that you're looking for, you can rematch with a new therapist at any time, whenever you need. And baby, my favorite part is with over 30,000 therapists, better help is the world's largest online therapy platform. And it's having served over 5 million people global. And guys, as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's BetterHelp. BetterH. E L P.com Sabrina all right, I'm kind of on a tight budget right now, okay. So feel free. This is exactly. Thank you for inviting by in of, like, wherever you guys are, this is where I'm gonna meet you. You so welcome, baby. I've been dating this guy for almost two months now. We haven't had the official will you be my girlfriend? Talk, but we're only seeing each other, and we deleted each other's dating apps about a month in. So we've been moving forward at least in some ways. There's something that happened early on that I can't let go of. Okay, wait, how long you guys been together? So we're talking a month ago, month and a half. Okay. On our second date, we went to the restaurant where I work as a server. I was kind of drunk at this point, and one of the servers working that night, we'll call her Schmelissa. Love you guys. Shmelissa. Melissa, okay, was by the bar. I was hyping her up, saying things like, oh, my gosh, Melissa, your hair is so long. Is it real? Oh, my God, you're so pretty. My guy chimes in, and I can't remember specifically, but he said something like, yeah, you are, or, yeah, you're cute. I immediately called him out and said, oh, she thinks she's pretty. Okay. It was this mean girls. You're, like, really pretty. Thank you. So you agree. You think you're really pretty. It's kind of. You're kind of setting somebody up when you do things like that. I love you, but kind of. I immediately called him out and said, oh, so you think she's pretty? And his response was, don't start. He had previously told me that he broke up with his ex because she ended up being an insecure toddler in any event. Okay, well, I'm concerned about that too. Don't get me wrong, baby. I'm not giving him a free pass. But as I'm reading it, I'm just giving you what I'm hearing. This does feel like you set him up a little bit by telling somebody like, oh, my God, you're so pretty, Melissa. You're so Melissa. Sorry. Melissa, you look so beautiful. And then when someone's like, oh, my God. Yeah, he might be thinking that he's playing along with you of, like, Supporting a friend. You're doing that. I would do that, right? If somebody was doing that, I'd be like, oh, my God, girl, get it. And if someone's like, you think she's pretty? I'd be like, but you were just saying that she. What? What? What did I do wrong? And I can understand him being like, don't start. Like, let's not. Because I honestly, I probably would have if I had said something. If somebody said that I been, like, really? Like, I would have probably just. Is there an issue? Right? So I get that. I understand, though, how it can be invalidating. I get that. But I don't love that he told you that they were insecure toddlers. It's like, oh, okay, then why were you still with these insecure toddlers? So you see what I'm saying? I will always be fair. I will always call out both sides because I'm not helping if I do. Don't. Last week, it was brought up because we went to dinner at this restaurant. We sat at the bar. Bartender didn't charge him for a second beer, and he joked, oh, you think she likes me? I sarcastically said, guess we're not coming back here. And he replied, oh, we're coming back. I said, well, not with me. And he responded, we'll see about that. So I took it to the next level. Typical me. And said, fine, you can bring whoever you want. I'll go out with a cute kitchen boy from work. Okay, I love you, but that's passive aggressive. That's what I mean by like. That's the protest behavior of, like, you're feeling the connection, Wayne. So you're trying to do something to get him to go, no. What? What? Then you're probing, baby. And then he snapped and said, if you do that, lose my number. So I was like, so you can say another girl is cute to my face, but I do. If I do something remotely similar, where you're done. And he said, here we go again. I shut down. He told me, I really need to stop bringing it up. I said I'd try. I even text him later that night explaining how I felt. He didn't really acknowledge it, and we haven't talked it through. Here's a screenshot of the conversation we had that night. Okay, before I even get into the screenshots, I think what's happening is, like, we've got insecure and insecure. I'm not going to you. Because the fact that he doesn't want to have these conversations, he's saying, like, and truth Be told. I don't know if it's necessary. I think the reason I call him insecure is because the way he's doing it, he has every right to be like, hey, I'm noticing that you're making passive aggressive comments. And it feels like there's an insecurity here. Like, can we talk about that? Because that doesn't really work for me. And I. I want to make sure that the person I'm with feels confident in who they are very different than, you know, here we go again. And it's like, but I get it. I understand him. I understand you. I think both of you guys were going in your wounds here because him saying, oh, you think she thinks I'm cute, Suit? Is very different than you saying, fine, I'll take the kitchen boy. And it's like, ah, you guys were joking until you weren't anymore. And then all of a sudden, it's because that's a threat to him. Of like, oh, oh, so that's pro. Oh, so I say something, I do something you don't like or I do, then now you're just gonna go and find someone else to bring. That would also could make him feel very unsafe. So I'm just playing both sides. That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't know him well enough to understand based on what you're saying, but I understand that. Don't start this again. That could be dismissing 100. I can understand how you shut down. I get that. That. So here's the text. And mind you, I'm all in blue still, so I'll let you know when I turn from gray. I'm not trying to. And like, also, let me preface. No, I'll preface this after. I'm not trying to drag this out. It just hit a nerve. And I've been thinking about it and trying to touch on what I felt and why I felt it, and I just felt invisible, like my feelings didn't matter or something. I get. Probably didn't seem like a big deal to you, but it stuck with me for real. Next message. I don't need you to apologize. Next message. I just want to feel like we're good and I can bring stuff up without it turning into, like a shutdown, you know? Know. Next question. And also question. I think I'm. I like watching you squirm when I bring it up. It's kind of sick, I know, but maybe it's a way for me to feel like I got the upper hand because I felt so rejected in the moment. Next message. That's really mature of me. So I'm going to let this go because I deserve to be at peace. Next message. You're allowed to think other women are attractive because hello, there are. It was just bad timing, dude. Lol. Next message. I think Dan's baby mama just tried to call me. Next message. I just got a random number asking if it was Emma. Next message. Do you know her name? Okay. Okay. So that was at 8:32pm on it just says Tuesday. Okay. So the next morning at 5:52am Which I get, I, I, this would have had me at sleep at 8:32. I don't answer messages like this either. So he said, good morning. I knocked the out. No, I don't know her name. All right, babe, I'm going to be honest. Without even getting into more of the message, it's just these are not messages we have via text because you're sitting there stewing, wondering, is he going to read it? And then he ignores it and dismisses you. And that makes you feel even more, like, disconnected from him. Him. And then on top of it, it's like you're saying, like, and I get it. I think it's really valid that you're like, I felt invisible. Like, it's my feelings didn't matter. But I also think, like, you were kind of doing that to yourself as well by egging this on, being like, oh, well, you, oh, so then I'm gonna bring somebody. And it's like, well, then he said, well, then lose my number. It's like, well, that is him saying, like, then don't do that. That care about you, it looks like. So, I mean, both of you guys got in your wound and then you were seeing this from a lens of like, you don't care about me. You're gonna leave me. You like all these other women. And then for me, I think if somebody had messaged me this, my response would have been like, hey, I think we need to have a call. I don't love that. He just ignored it. So that's why I mean by, like, I am always going to give you both sides because I understand where you're going through. And then I'm trying to understand what he's going through.
- [26:42]
A
You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Feel good and look good this summer with savings on your personal care favorites and earn four times points now through September 9th. Shop in store or online for items like Dollar Shave Club razors, hydro Silk Razors and Edge Shave Gel. Plus some favorite brands like Tampax, Pearl, Depend and Poise to earn four times points to use for later discounts on groceries or gas. Hurry in before these deals are gone. Offer end September 9th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [27:43]
B
Okay, so now we're going to continue on. So last night we're on a date and I was really quiet. Quiet. I had a baby migraine and I just, I don't know, I felt a bit on edge. We were watching a baseball game and he said, I didn't know you were so into baseball. I joked and said, I'm not. I'm into him. He's fine as hell. He asked what I said. I tried to brush it off, but he heard me say the player was hot. I added something about his big ass and we laughed and he mentioned he used to play baseball. So I said, oh, so I can't admire someone I'll never meet, but you can compliment Melissa to my face? That's when he said he okay, I gotta be honest. That has nothing to do with this. Babe. I don't understand why we're continuously you're bringing up your insecurity so that he can constantly validate and reassure you do. But that had nothing to do with it. You were talking about a baseball guy and saying he had a good so you're allowed to say that. And he's saying, I used to play baseball and you're joking around about it. And then now all of a sudden we're gonna bring back Melissa. I don't know what she has anything to do with this. Besides the fact that you're feeling insecure, that you're allowed to say that you think other people are attractive and he's joking around with you, but then when he says something, you're gonna nail him to the cross from something that happened in the beginning of your dating situationship or situation. He said, here we go again. We can't go on one date without you bringing this up. I'm going to be hearing about this for the next month, which I that I had. Like, I kind. I understand what he means of like, I don't understand. Why do we keep bringing this up? Because it's like, we're not rectifying the situation. I apologize. And I'm like, look, I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. But we never really addressed it. Like, yeah, he apologized, but we never really talked about how it made me feel. Like I felt like a dumbass, and I'm not a dumbass. I felt so rejected, like my feelings didn't matter. Yeah, but you're projecting all of that onto him. You were saying, I'm not a dumbass. I'm not. And it's like, but then talk about it. Like, but then that's on you, babe. Baby, that's on you to sit and say what is bothering me so that you can then talk. It's not about. You want to talk about it with him so that he can then help you figure out what bothered you about it. I think that's why. I mean, like, this is what I mean by, you got to process before you go to your partner. Because then we're making it about them to regulate and to validate and do all these things. And it's like. And you're saying, well, I'm not a dumbass and I'm not a idiot. It's like, yeah, no one said you were, but you're projecting that. You're acting as if he said that. He never said that to you. Nobody did that. You're insecurity coming out, and that's okay, but we got to call it what it is. His response was, how much time you need? It happened a month ago on our second date. We haven't. Weren't established. Yeah, like, pal, you could have at this point say, I'm prettier than her. Like, fudgeing. Lie to me, amuse me. But you did. But that's my point. So you. Now you want him to be inauthentic. Now you want him to lie to you and tell you that you're prettier. But that's not what this was about. So you're feeling insecure because you're jealous that you feel like he. But yet you were the one that started all of this by complimenting her. So that's why I'm confused of, like, I don't really understand anymore. And he still didn't get the point. The silence stung. Because the point is you want him to validate you. You want him to make you feel better about something that started within you. And I'm not saying he didn't sit there. He didn't know. I don't know where. A girl walked by and he was like, man, I'd her. He didn't say that. He just said, yeah, she's pretty. Because you were egging her on and saying how pretty she looked. I love you, but you know, I'm gonna be honest with you guys. And he said the rest of the night was fine. I drank three margaritas, got sick shitty, and went to bed. He left. Left early for work this morning, kissed me goodbye like everything was normal. And now I'm just sitting here with these unresolved feelings. Some context. I'm 32, he's 30. I'm a transsexual, meaning male to female. And he's never dated someone trans before. I wish we had started with that because that's it. That's it is that you're feeling insecure. You just said it right here. I do believe he sees me as a woman fully and genuinely. Baby, that's really real. And I get it. I understand. This is what I mean by I think we're projecting your insecurities about not feeling like a woman, not feeling secure like a woman. And that's okay. You have your own journey and that's a lot to gripe with. I'm never going to take that away from you. My dad owned a gay club for 30 plus years. I know it, I've been there. I understand the mental health and I'm really proud of you for taking up the space and saying that. But I guess it's something I think about. Like I'm reading into things I too much because deep down I worry I'm not enough. Is that like extra insecurity coming from knowing I'm his first experience with someone like me? Because you're looking to see when it's going to end. You're waiting to be like, see, there it is. Told you. Knew it was going to be a problem. That's what makes it confusing. Because I do believe he really likes me. He spends so much time with me and it's not just physical. And in the same night, when we joked about the bartender liking him, I only have eyes on one woman and that's you. Baby. Baby, he did reassure you. That's what I mean by I think this is coming from a deeper root. And that's okay. So I know he's cares, but could this be why one moment with another woman made me spiral? And it's not just a random woman, but a coworker? Like literally anyone but her I would get curious about. What do you mean anyone but Her. What is it about her? The co worker. But it's not actually just about her. Because then it was the other bartender. You said, was it the same bartender? But is it because that bartender made multiple comments and he said, oh, I think she likes me. I get it. But I think what's happening is you're feeling insecure, like you're not enough and you're not woman enough. Baby, you are more than enough as you are at whatever you identify, whoever you are, we want that you are enough as you are. And this person is with you because he believes that you are for him. For now. For now. Right. We don't know what's going to happen. And so I would say, say I want you to get curious about that. It's interesting. You're like, I don't know where this is all coming from. It's like, I do. And I would say that might be the conversation with him of like, hey, I've realized what my insecurities were. I finally realized what this was about. And what it was about was the fact that I'm scared that I feel like I'm not enough for you. I'm projecting my insecurities that because this is maybe my first relationship or my one of my first times or I know it's your first time, and I'm always scared. I'll be honest. I'll give you a second story. When Ryan and I first started dating, I am not his type. He's not my type. And when I say I'm not his type, I'm not like, maybe I look like one of the girls he's dated. But most of the women that he dates are of a different ethnicity, different skin tone, different race. Like, it's just not me. And to be fair, he doesn't look like any of the guys I've dated. And for a minute, I would project my on him. I'd be like, well, then why don't you go find a girl that's more like what you like? And he would look at me and he was like, I like you. What the don't you understand about that? I don't need that. But I was feeling insecure because I was like, oh, he's going to find someone else because I'm not his type, and he's going to find a girl that's more his type. That was my own insecurity. He didn't do right. He was allowed. We'd walk by a girl that was more his type, and I would say, like, damn, she's jacked. Or like, she got banging body. And he'd be like, that ass on her is gorgeous. And instead of me getting insecure, I'd be like, I started it, right? I'm the one that, yeah, she's attractive girl. She's. But. But because she was something I didn't, right? Just race, religion, it doesn't matter, right? Just being a different person, which is totally valid. I projected my insecurities onto him and constantly, well, you can just find someone more like that, that when it had nothing to do with that. And so I think that's really it. And like, I understand why he's saying like, are we going to do this again? Are you just going to like, are we never going to be able to move past from this? Because it's not about Shissa. It's not. It's about what she's representing and what you're feeling. You don't have that. She does. That's okay. You deserve nothing but the best and you deserve this love that he's trying to give. So now I need you to be able to receive it. I need you to be ready to receive it. And I need you to be standing in your power that you are deserving and worthy of receiving this. Ain't nobody gonna fucking advocate for your needs, your wants, your desires like you are. But I want to just take a moment, I think to just clarify if anything that wrote in every single person, all of your experiences are real and all of this is really valid. But I do want to say that sometimes we have those littles that are coming out that are speaking a little louder and we fuse. You know something that's interesting is as I'm reading more about parts work and I've been taking this, you know, I've been getting certified in parts work because I think it's really interesting is that when we have multiple parts, what happens is like, you might have the really critical one, you might have the really sweet one, you might have all these different ones. All of their jobs. If you want to talk to each one of them, they're all trying to keep you safe and protect you. The problem is they don't know that each other is doing that. So that's why it feels like you're like, a part of me feels this and a part of me feels that is because they're all fusing and they're all enmeshed together. And now we have to separate them all and be like, hey, do you realize that sadness is also trying to help me? Because now they need to know hey, you guys are all trying to do the same job to keep me safe. And there is no one here that is any less or more deserving than the other. It's just about what you believe. Because if you don't believe that you are worthy and deserving of more, you're never going to see it. Because you will see what you believe, not believe what you see. That's not the only way that this works. I will. Of course you'll believe what you see, but you also have to believe it to then see it. And I just wanted that reminder today that no one is broken. There is nothing to fix. You are deserving and worthy. But I need you to see that and to be able to be ready to have to receive that. Because then you'll start to show up differently. Then you're not going to be like, I'm self sabotaging and I'm pushing people away. Instead, it's, oh, I'm really scared. I feel like I might lose this person. Or they're going to go for somebody that's more feminine or more woman or more this or more that. And instead I want to be here for myself to validate that there is nothing wrong with me. There never has been anything wrong with me. There's just a part of me that needs me and I can show up for me now, I'm really proud of you guys and I'm proud of every single person that shows up. I'm proud of all of you guys that are here and thank you for creating this community of safety and space and allowing me to come and share what's going on with me. You know, sometimes I get in my own head, I will start episodes because I'm like, oh, no, I have to be sure because we need a click through rate and I need to make sure people stay because when I talk about personal stuff, sometimes people will leave. And sometimes I would say, oh, Sabrina, because there's something wrong with you. No one cares about you. Until I had to realize, no, those are people are leaving because they only benefited from one aspect of you. And if you're not here for all of me to hear what I actually am going through and to have different conversations and to learn about different things, that's okay. But then I don't need to change who I am to keep that here. I can just say, well, then those just aren't my people necessarily. But thank you for coming on in when it works for you. I'm here for all of that. And so these are just gentle reminders. That who you are is enough. And we need more people like you to take up space so that we can start to feel more authentic and in our bodies and less disconnected. Because you deserve love. I just need you to believe that. So I love you guys. As always, thank you for everything. Don't forget. Rate Review the show, share it with a friend, leave a comment, let me know, send into more questions and if you guys need anything, you got the courses. You could work one on one. You can ask a question, you could download the free guide. Or honestly, you could just be here every week and listen to the podcast. So guys, we have a new episode coming out in a couple of days. As you guys know, Tuesday episodes are the bonus. We have a Friday episode every single Friday. So subscribe, auto downloads, whatever you guys need to make sure you listen to them all. And until next week, my babies.
- [37:38]
A
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It is hot out there this summer, right? But don't sweat it. We got tons of ways to save on your family's favorite personal care items to keep yourself feeling cool. Cool and smelling good now through September 9th, earn four times points when you shop for items from your favorite brands like Right Guard Raw Sugar, Dove Soft Soap and Olay. Then use your points for discounts on groceries or gas on future purchases. Offer end September 9th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. Chances are you've been to the doctor recently and you probably handed over your insurance, your ID and even your Social Security number number. Your doctor is just one of many places that has your personal info and if any of them accidentally expose your details, you could be at risk for identity theft. LifeLock monitors millions of data points a second. If you become a victim, they'll fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off terms. Apply.