← The Sabrina Zohar Show
Loading summary
Transcript6 lines
- [00:01]
A
You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com foreign welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back babes. Part two of the series. We are here and I'm super stoked. We are going to talk today about the stories you create because I talk about this all the time of like, are we challenging our thoughts? Are we thinking about the narratives? What is the story that we're creating? So let's talk about it and flesh it out and give you tools and whatever you guys need. I'm so freaking, freaking excited. And as always, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for leaving the ratings or reviews, leaving comments, subscribing, following along like it literally means the world. So if you haven't done that already, please do. And if you have, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me because that's a lot of freedom in that type of power. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey babes, good to see you. Happy Friday. I'm excited. Part duh of this now it's now it's a five part series. By the way, I know on last week I was like it's a four part, it's five because your girl has too much to talk about. So I had to break it up because I don't shut the up. But I'm super excited. And guys, as always, some quick housekeeping before we get into the episode. I'm trying my best to like get right into the meat and potatoes and so that we can keep our attention span. As an ADHD girly, I understand it but there is some housekeeping. We have the foundation course. If you guys want more, we have some new stuff coming but that's available and it includes free group coaching. You can work one on one, ask a question, free guide in the Lincoln bio, get a profile, audit, whatever you need. Please know it's all Sabrina Zohar.com and I would love to support you guys in any way. So let me know and leave comments. Let me know. Share with a friend. Put it in your Facebook group. That's the only way we will grow this show. So last week we talked about core beliefs, and I think it's really important because those core beliefs, baby, they are what create the stories that you believe in. And so an example of that would be, like, you know, the person said, sound good? Instead of sounds great. So I spent 45 minutes analyzing their enthusiasm level and decided he was done with me and having second thoughts. And you want to know where that story came from? Oh, I don't know. Not, like, human experience or anything. Well, I wanted to talk about the stories that we create. And next week we're going to go into, like, black and white thinking, catastrophizing, ruminating, spiraling, all of that. Like, we're breaking it down. And then week four will be protest behavior. And then the final week will be like, how do you rewire these patterns? And I wanted to be intentional about the work that we do. And for anybody that comes every single week, thank you. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being here. And if you spot check, that's cool, too. Thanks for listening. Even if it's your first time, your last time, or anywhere in between, I'm grateful to have you. And I think creating those stories and narratives, I was the queen of taking any small situation and turning it into, like, a 17 series Netflix special. I always thought, no, no, no. If it's this, then it's this. And frankly speaking, that's why I started my podcast in this career, was because I was listening to that content, as you guys know, I was ingesting a lot of it and sitting there feeling so empty and being like, I just don't understand. And now I know. I catch myself. I catch myself making stories. You know, I used to be really big. Like, my mama was, too. And let me know if this sounds familiar where, like, someone cuts you off and you're like, fucking asshole. Like, that's it. We just automatically created this entire story about this person because of something that they did that may have inconvenienced us or. Right. Or somebody doesn't answer you, and you're like, they're such a piece of shit. They're using me. You come up with this whole narrative, and then all of a sudden they call you and everything's fine, and we, like, almost forget what just happened. But there is actually a scientific reason for that. So we're going to go over the neuroscience and the psychology of that. And then at the end, as always, we're going to give you tools, tips, tricks, and we're going to answer some of your questions along the Way. So stick around through the end. And if you don't, that's okay. Just mark this as finished. Your girl is trying to do what she can to get her downloads up my babes. And that's just part of this process. So welcome to running a small business. Okay, let's talk about why humans create stories so stories actually keep us safe. There is a meaning making in survival. So humans evolved to create narratives to make sense of incomplete information. They have to fill in the blanks because think about if a cave person heard like a bush outside, they would create the story like, a tiger wants to eat me. It's safer than like, oh, it's probably just wind. And the problem is now, when we're in modern dating, incomplete information is the same story minus the making brain equals emotional chaos. And so what you're doing is your brain is creating these narratives because having a story that's wrong is better than having no story at all. And so that is why we go right into the narratives, right. Of this person doesn't call you back for 10 minutes and you're like, that's it. They don't like me anymore. Because at a fundamental level, right? So you're not a. You're not in hunter gatherer days. You're not wondering if there's tigers outside of your house, but your cell phone and all of these different variables have become the new tiger. And so, you know, if you guys know, if you've been around the block with me, with the nervous system and everything, it can cause a lot of dysregulation. And your brain and your body are going to do everything it can to keep you safe. That's what we mean when we say your brain is not designed to help you grow. It's designed to keep you safe. It's not there to. Your brain doesn't know like, oh, she has credit cards, she's fine, or he has this or they have that. No, your brain is like, hey, somewhere along the way, when we acted like this, we lost people. And so it's going to create that. Because think about learning from experience right? Now, I was talking about that with. I was getting body work done today, and we were talking about learning from experience. And me saying, like, man, I made a lot of these stupid things. And I wouldn't even say mistakes. I made a lot of these stupid choices in my early 20s. I was like, I'm so grateful because I learned now on a primal level, like, that's great, right? I am learning, I'm evolving. I am understanding what's coming up for me. I'm figuring this stuff out. But the problem is when I haven't really processed it, when you're not healed and you're just going back on the same that you used to go through all the time in your childhood childhood, it's maladaptive. It's no longer keeping you safe. And that's what we mean by self sabotage is really self protection. You're not doing these things to hurt yourself. You're not intentionally trying to yourself over your body thinks it's protecting itself. So we do need to reframe that a little bit. Now let's talk about the speed of story creation. So here's the research. Humans make judgments within a hundred milliseconds of seeing someone's face real quick. That's why your brain creates stories faster than you can consciously process the information. Right? That hypervigilance, you see someone's face change slightly, your brain instantly goes like, oh my God, they're annoyed with me. Before you even know what you're reacting to. Then by the time you even analyze the story, it's already written. And that I think is the detrimental part of how quickly this happens. And we're going to have Chris, my neuroscientist bestie, he's coming on in a month or so and he did a video recently. Dr. Chris Lee, go follow him. I love him. And he was saying how our brain goes to the amygdala five to ten times faster than it goes to your prefrontal cortex, which is why we go to fear quicker than we go to common sense. And a reason also, too. Like I like to explain a lot of this is not because I think that the intellectualizing is going to magically make everything better and that you're going to wake up tomorrow and be like, come by, yeah, I've had to come to Jesus moment and everything's amazing. The reason I share this is because then that way you can be like, oh fuck, there's nothing wrong with me. Like, I'll never forget the first time I learned about anxious attachment style. And I was like, oh, there's nothing ever been wrong with me. I just learned some bullshit when I was a kid and that's called anxious attachment. I was like, I. It was an explanation, not an excuse. And so I want us to be able to empower so that you know this knowledge, you know this information, and you're not trying to analyze, you're not trying to understand. You're looking to see objectively what is fact and what Is not. And so we're going to get to the tips on that. And a lot of it is stuff you guys have heard, but we've put it into an area. So here are the three big story categories that we start to create. So the first one is the rejection story. And the pattern here is that any neutral or ambiguous behavior gets turned into evidence of rejection or loss of interest. So some of the questions are kind of comments you guys had asked was, is why do I immediately assume the worst when something feels off? Well, because think about it, something feels off triggers your threat detection system. So it's faster, right? We talked about earlier to assume danger than to be wrong and assume safety and get hurt. So your brain right now is not trying to do this on purpose, but what happens is when you see one small thing growing up, it was, oh, my God, you didn't see that. And because you didn't see that, you got hurt. And so we're never going to do this again. And we then get in, starting getting to these patterns. And then when you're not conscious of it, when you're not aware of it, it happens so much faster. It took me years to break this. I'm not going to lie. It did. It took me years to break this part of me because I would always assume, friends, dating, relationships, people, work, it didn't matter. I assumed the worst of them before I ever assumed anything positive. And it's so funny. I was out to brunch with my brother and his girlfriend, and she's incredibly secure, and she laughed and we were saying something and she goes, yeah, that is the difference. She was like, I was raised to not think that of people. And my brother and I were talking about how we don't trust people. And we all chuckled because we were like, look at the difference. Look at the difference between a traumatic childhood and household where you were really on edge at all times versus somebody who had, like, a really secure upbringing, who has her own, like, don't get me wrong, she's a human, but who doesn't automatically create those stories and go for the worst. It's actually wild to see. By the way, if anybody hasn't bought their mug. Don't forget, y', all, Sabrina Zohar Merch. We only have, like, four pullovers left total. That's it. And then we're doing a new print and we're only doing one and a limited run, so get it now. This episode is sponsored by Cornbread Hemp, y'. All. Are you tossing and turning at night and waking up exhausted or is it just me? I was there until I found cord bread. Hemp's CBD sleep gummies. They are unbelievable. So here's my favorite part. They are the first USDA organic melatonin free CBD gummy in America. Which is really important because what you guys put in your body is equally as important as what we do with our mental health. You can fall asleep and and stay asleep with full spectrum flower only hemp extract. Plus natural botanicals like valerian root, lavender and chamomile. Me and techie take these every single night and they help us to just unwind, relax and be able to sleep a little bit better, which is always a help. And the best part, they're vegan, they're gluten free and they're made without a sugar coating. So they're just clean, natural ingredients which we love, especially before bed. Right now, Cornbread Hemp is offering the Sabrina Zohar show listeners. That's right, exclusive 30% off your first order. They have CBD, they have sleep, they have THC, they have seltzers, they got whatever you need, baby. So go to cornbreadhemp.com Sabrina and use the code Sabrina at checkout. Again, that's Kornbread Hemp C O R N B R E A D h e m p.com Sabrina and the code is Sabrina for 30% off. Okay, somebody else had said every small thing becomes evidence that he's going to leave. So that's confirmation bias in action, which we talked about last week. But once your brain decides he might leave, it starts collecting evidence for that story even though it might be contrary proof. And that's really the big thing of why do you think I always start to ask you guys, like, what facts do I have to back this up? Because we can create these narratives. And that's also why when I hear like, I knew it, told you so. See, I am right. Like this person didn't do this. And you're telling me that that's not. Well, no, because that's confirmation bias. You're going for people limited to begin with and then you're wondering why at the end you're proven right. Like, I say that with love. And you know, I say that with love. But it can't be a total shock when we consciously and cognitively know certain aspects and behaviors are not going to be right for us. But yet here we are. And one last thing was he took longer to text back, so I convinced myself he was seeing someone else again. That's your brain Jumping from A to Z without hitting any of the letters in between. Because one delayed text could literally mean a thousand things. But your brain is going to pick the most dramatic explanation because why? It's trying to keep you safe. Your brain does not want you to be blindsided. And then, because think about it too. Everyone here raise your hand silently if you have been blindsided. Right? You're dating somebody, you think everything's great, everything's amazing, and all of a sudden they end it. And you're like, what? How did I not see this? And it's like, doesn't mean you're an idiot. That's why. Then you'll always be on higher alert because your body is, like, not gonna let this happen again. And even ways that that shows up, someone might take a few hours to text you back. And already you're like, they're losing interest. They say okay instead of okay with an exclamation point. You're like, oh, my God, they're annoyed with me. They might be tired. And you're like, that's it. They're regretting spending time with me and they wish they were home alone and they didn't even want me here. Right? The person might make different plans. You're like, that's it. They're trying to avoid me. It's like, no, the reality is most behavior is not about you. It's about their fucking internal world. That's it. And I want you to start to even shift it and start to ask, what's the most boring explanation for this behavior? I used to ask that too. I'd be like, he was taking a shit on the toilet. He was on the phone with his mom. He was out with his friend. Like, something where you're just like, he was clipping his toenails. Right? Make them a human of like, right? This person could literally be doing anything. I can't tell you how many times. I might be doing a million things. And I'll have friends be like, hey, are you mad at me? And I'm like, did what? Like, I thought, didn't we just talk last week? Or like, so sorry I did. What did I do that made you feel that? Well, you just didn't answer my text. I'm like, you didn't say anything that required a response. And it's like, it's okay. I'll validate my friends. I'm like, of course not. I'm great. I'm here. I'm here to reassure you. And it happens. Right? I've been like that before. But we have to be cognizant and start to look at what are the stories that we are creating for our rejection because we are scared of what? What is that story going to prove? I get it. It's really fucking tough. And I'm not gonna even try to bullshit you. So the second thing I wanna talk about, I wanna talk about mind reading. Okay? So the pattern here is that you might decide you know what they're thinking or feeling based on very minimal evidence. So somebody had written in saying, I can tell he thinks I'm too much, even though he never said that, baby, you are not reading his mind. You're projecting your own fucking fears onto him and his behavior and what they're going through. Projecting your fears that you are too much because somewhere along the way, you learned that and you were taking any slight facial expression or movement. I've even dealt with those people, like, coming at me, being like, I don't like your tone. It reminds me of somebody from childhood. And I feel like you're being mean. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Huh? Did you challenge that at all? It's like. So I say one thing. You don't like it, but now it's me who's the problem. Because I triggered something within you, and now it's, no. Instead, it's okay. It's very human. But most of us are projecting, even me, right? There might be times where, like, I might be annoyed with Ryan, and it's like, I'm actually more annoyed with, like, something that I'm doing or something that's coming up with me. And he'll call me out, he'll be like, you're shocking, projecting right now. I'm like, you're not wrong. That's okay. But we have to look at what are the stories that we're creating and what facts do I have to back that up? Which, again, we're going to get into. But that is part of it. This is why I'm walking us through where this comes from. So that when I say that, you're like, got it. And someone said, I assume he's judging me for things he's probably not even thinking about. Well, here's the thing. You think he's judging you for really what you're judging for yourself. You think he's judging you, but that's really just you judging yourself. And now I want you to start to ask, what facts? What facts do I have to back up that this person is judging me? Again, it's the same thing. I've had where people are like, you're mean. Or you say this. And I'm like, okay, again, what facts do you have to back that up? Because I said a statement that I think, like, what was wild was in the friendship episode. I gave a statistic. It's just saying 60% of people have been attracted to an opposite sex of a friend, right? No one said that. You're acting on it, Nothing. And people are freaking out and fighting me. And I disagree. And you're wrong. And this study's stupid. And it's like, it just sounds like you're projecting your onto me. You're judging yourself for feeling that, but now it's my fault that that's happening. And again, I'll hold space. I'm like, hey, cool, you're allowed to. You can disagree. You could do whatever the you want. That doesn't hurt me. I'm just reading a statistic. But it's really when we, when we do that of like, are you judging me? The person's like, I don't say anything. And it's like, well, you. I could see it in your eyes. You're like, no, you're judging yourself. But we're putting that onto the other person. Again, not saying it's not human, But I am also not saying that it's totally healthy. Right? And then the last one was someone said, self doubt, trusting myself versus it is really what I'm needing and feeling. And when. Here's the thing. When you're in the story making, you can't access your real intuition because you're too busy creating those narratives and you're disregulated. So I want you to trust your feelings about how you feel, but I want you to question your assumptions about how they feel. That's the big difference between intuition versus anxiety. I'll say this from the rooftops. Intuition versus anxiety is that intuition is significantly calmer. It is a lot more calm in your body. You don't have the high highs, the low lows. There's not the peaks, there's not the valleys. You're not creating stories and narratives. It could just be, this doesn't work for me, or I don't like that, or, nah, that's not cute. Versus anxiety comes with the narrative in the story, right? We're building on. So last week went through the core beliefs. Now we're using the stories that those core beliefs started to create. And then we start to get to, oh, this is where anxiety comes from. And some of the story examples here are like, you think this Person thinks you're clingy, and it's, like, based on nothing. Or he's comparing me to his ex, and it's, like, based on what, Your fucking imagination? What did you. What did he say? Or she's only with me because she's bored. And it's, like, based on what? You're insecurity. They can tell I'm insecure. What, based on your fucking fear? You literally cannot read people's mind. That knowing is projection. I once had a client. She said, no, no, I know something's off. I know something's off. I could tell you when I say, okay, what facts. I don't have any. But I'm telling you, I just can't put my finger on it. And it's like that right there is classic anxious attachment. And that's okay. Or just anxiety that, no, I know something's up. It's like, that's our brain being like, this doesn't feel safe. So I'm gonna figure this out. And you're filling it in with anything you can. Sure enough, wasn't an issue. Wasn't an issue at all. Everything she had created was absolutely nothing. The dude fucking called her like, 20 minutes later, and everything was fine. And I think they're still together. It's been like two years. So I want you to start to get really used to the story I'm telling myself is. And it's not a fact, you're not psychic. You're just anxious with a good imagination. And I say that with love, but it's true. Now, the last kind of thing that we see is really the timing and pacing. And the pattern is like taking current moments and spitting it into an inevitable future. And I understand the outcome feels scary, but someone asked, how do I ride the wave and let go of timelines and relationships? Well, but you're comparing your relationship to some imaginary schedule or Instagram tick tock story that doesn't exist. There is no relationship syllabus that you have to follow. You're not in a specific order, and you're creating stress about the Tim instead of enjoying what's actually happening. And I'm gonna share a story. I was just with my friend and we were talking. I said, how's dating? And he said, man, I'm really bummed. And I said, what's going on? And he said, one thing I'm noticing is there's this sense of urgency and there's this lack of understanding that it takes time. And I said, what? You didn't know in five minutes? That you liked her? And he chuckled. And I said, no, that's the box theory. And he was like, no, of course I didn't know. In five minutes. He was like, how the fuck am I supposed to know in five minutes? He's like, it takes me time to get to know somebody. And he said he had gone on two dates, and on the second date, it might have even been. Maybe it was on the first date. She asked him, you know, what are your intentions? Blah, blah. And he said, like, I'm. I want to get to know somebody. Like, I'm intentional. And she said, me, too. I'm really intentional. He was like, awesome. That's great. And then she said, well, I need to know now. Do you want to be with me? And he was like, what are you talking about? He's like, it's our second day. First or second day? I couldn't remember. And she's like, well, when I'm all in, I'm all in. And, like, I feel like you're playing games with me. If you're telling me right now that you're not all in, that's not really intentional. And it's like, whoa, dude, we just created an entire narrative and story of something that didn't happen. That person has no. He's allowed to say. It's going to take me more than a couple of dates to figure this out. And I get it. I get it written in every day of people saying, well, we've been on two, three dates. Like, why are they still in the apps? It's like, because you don't know these people. You don't know these, and you're creating these timelines and this. I have to have it done, and it has to be here. And it's like, that's wanting certainty. That's wanting certainty. And I get it. I get it when you want to know if this person is rushing or if they're not interested or if they're not, like, wasting your time and all that. Moral of the story, you're not enjoying where you actually are. So stop trying to live so far in the future. Enjoy the moments now. Why do you think with Ryan, when I told him, like, hey, I had a great night, and if this is all it was cool, and I'm like, but if not, and you call me again, it's like, because you're actually trying to build something here. I don't do casual. That's one thing that's setting a boundary of, like, I'm not interested in the friends with benefits thing. That Would have been very different than me being like on the second date, being like, why aren't you committing to me? Why are you still on the apps? You don't want to be with me. You're not intentional. It's like, that's just not being fair to somebody. This episode is sponsored by Herobred. I love bread and I love noodle meals. I am such a sucker for anything. Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese. I love noodles so much. And that's why I am so obsessed with Herobread. Because with Eurobread I have health goals for thriving, not sacrificing, which we see in so many different areas. And with Eurobread, you can really enjoy bready favorites guilt free. What I love even more is all of your favorite recipes are covered with herobred sliced bread loaves, tortillas, bagels, dinner rolls and more. And now, now, even better, you can try their all new Hero Noodles. Yeah, that's right. I said noodles with more protein and 60% fewer calories than the best selling noodles. I am so obsessed with Eurobread. You would never know it's low net carb and high fiber protein bread from the texture. It is soft and a fluffy experience you know and love. Whether you're packing fresh wraps or everyday lunches or toasting up a high fiber breakfast bagel, there are no compromises, just flavor. Because it's ultra low net carbs, zero grams of sugar and high in fiber, y'. All. Herobred is offering 10% off your first order. Go to Hero Co and use the code Sabrina at checkout. Again, the code is Sabrina. Sabrina@h e r o dot co. Again, the code Sabrina. H e r o dot co. Okay, so somebody asked when do you know if you want to rush or he is too slow for you or not interested. Well, the reality is you're making their pacing mean something about their interest level instead of just their personality. Some people move slow because they're thoughtful, because they want to get to know you. It doesn't mean that they don't like you. What I want you to start to look at is the consistency of effort, not the speed of escalation. Are you making progress, are you growing? Are you seeing this person more or is it that they're not calling, they're not texting. Let's call it what it is. The difference between are you going slow or are you wasting your time is progress, consistency and effort. So we need to stop excusing bullshit behavior. There's a big difference between this person doesn't text me every single day. Maybe they Text me once every two or three days in the early stages of dating. But they call, they facetime. They make consistent plans and we're building and over time we start to talk more. That's going slow versus an excuse for bad behavior. Has been like six days. They don't text me. They're not making plans. They text me when you up. They only want to see me on their time. They're super inconsistent. One minute they're really intense and they're texting me all day, and then the next I don't hear from them. Or they text me every single day, good morning. But that's it. It's like, okay, well, so then what we're doing is we're putting all of this importance on the speed and the escalation, but we're not actually looking at the intentionality and the depth of this person. Because building a relationship takes time and doesn't happen overnight. That is a reality. You can hear all these stories of like, well, when we first met and we really did. It's like, sure, maybe it worked out for them. But here's the reality. Your person isn't going to scared off. Get scared off because you want to go a bit of a slower timeline. And a bit of a slower timeline just means that maybe it takes you two or three months to make that determination and not one or two dates. So let's stop looking at they're not interested, they're not interested. It's like instead of creating stories and narratives, let's gain clarity. And if the person's not offering you that, well, then you have your answer. Last question was someone said how to not worry that every single move is going to scare them off. You're living like you're walking through a minefield, man. What are you, kind of eggshells? You're not getting to know this person. You're holding on to that narrative that you're too much and that you have to manage every single interact action perfectly. Otherwise what, you're going to lose them? Because, baby, if being yourself scares them off, they weren't your person anyways. That's it. And I'm not saying that you have to like, that it's okay to text someone a thousand times and do all that. I'm not saying that it's okay to be excessive, but what I am saying is that if you're scared of even just talking to someone about how you feel or what's coming up for you or what timeline you're on and that scares them away, then what did you think you were going to have for them? What did you think? What kind of relationship did you think we're having? Have? And some of the examples that show here of like, I haven't met their friends yet. That's it. They're not serious about me. And it's like, I don't know, maybe that person just like doesn't want to introduce their friends to somebody before they really know them. People will say all the time, like, they said they want to take things slow, like they're just not that interested in me. And it's like, or people move at a different pace. I want to text them, but I'll seem desperate. And it's like, okay, well why are we creating this narrative? Someone even asked, like, I've been dating for two months without it defining the relationship. They're wasting my time. It's like, and what are you doing? Are you defining the relationship? Are you having conversations? Are you talking about what it is that you want to need? Or are you just going along with it, trying to be the cool girl or guy, not talking about your needs and then wondering why they're not being fulfilled? So you want a tool? Start saying, I'm creating a timeline story. Instead of letting this relationship unfold naturally. I am not being in the present fucking moment. Because here's the reality. This shit's addiction. And the reason that this starts to feel so off, but also why these wrong stories feel so right, is one confirmation bias. Once you create the story, you're gonna look for all the fucking evidence to prove it. Then you have something called control, illusion. And that's having a story. Even the fucking wrong one feels better certainty. That's why a lot of people are like, I just need to know that they want to be with me. That's it. It's like, even though you don't have any proof that that's going to lie. No, I just need to know. It's like that's having that fallacy of some kind of certainty. Then we have the self protection, what we talked about. Like if you can predict the rejection, you can prepare for it or cause it because then you won't be hurt. And then we have to look at those familiar stories that match your core beliefs, that feel true even when they're not. Because then you're back in the self fulfilling prophecy. You start to create the story of like they're losing interest. And then you start to act on that story. You become clingy or, or distant. Then that story becomes a reality. See, they did pull away. And then your brain's going, see, I told you. You're ignoring that. You created that outcome again. You're not psychic. You're just creating the very future you're trying to avoid. And when you act like someone's going to leave you, and you then start acting differently, you give them a reason to actually leave. And that's a harsh reality. And I'm not saying that anybody did this on purpose and that it's your fault. Like, we have to be able to separate the two and just take accountability and ownership. Because the reality is, like, if I were super anxious and I kept picking up with my partner and acting distant and cold and all this, it's like, then you can't be shocked that that person's gonna be like, all right, what are we doing here? Because then they're like, are you okay? Okay? You're being passive aggressive. You're not being honest with me. And they're like, okay, are you mature enough to handle this? And it's like, and then I've done that. I have done that. I have created narratives and stories. And then I started to act different, and I started to be like, you know, you don't even seem interested or like, I guess not. Guess you're not interested. And the guy's like, dude, I was at work, man. And, like, they get turned off. And then I'm like, see? Knew it. Nobody wants to be with me. And it's like, well, look how I was showing up again. It's like, I wouldn't want to be with me. And that was something I had to come to. And that's what I mean by like, I'm not trying to be a dick, but I am just trying to shed light on the fact that, like, just because you have this behavior doesn't mean we need to excuse it and say that it's okay when, like, it's kind of not. And I was firsthand of it kind of not being. Because it was a hot mess. And the problem is, like, this shit costs you a lot, right? You're so busy in the story that you miss what's actually fucking happening. You don't stay in the moment. An example could be, like, they're quiet because work is really stressful, but you're spinning this about the relationship problems that don't even exist. And then you get all anxious, and then you end up solving problems that aren't there while missing opportunities to really fucking connect with your partner, because maybe they're having a really tough day, and all they needed was Just a little bit of loving and some space. And instead we're, like, going on and going. And the person's like, yo, now. Okay, now we have an issue. Like, yeah, I feel like you're on my dick. And you're just like, why? Why are you being rude? It's like, we have to stop reading their mind. It's also exhausting when you're listening. Like, you're constantly living in this drama. It's fucking exhausting because your nervous system can't even tell the difference between a real threat and the story threats. You spend your entire day anxious about, like, what did this mean? What did this mean? When he meant exactly what he said, that's exactly what it is. You're living in your own choose your own fucking adventure book. But you keep choosing the chapters where everything goes wrong. And here's the fucking plot twist. You're the author, and you can write a different story. You can. And I know you're probably looking at me like, but this keeps happening. Yeah, it's a pattern. That doesn't mean that this has to be yours for life. I feel like I could be a great testament for, like, if you change your narrative and thought process, you can change your life. And it starts here because I used to write that story. God, I was so good. The webs I weaved, I made 50 shades of gray look like child's play. I would create these fantasies, these novellas in my head. This, like, for this rate, these romantic things that never existed. I over. And then I would create these narratives and stories. They don't like me. They're not into me. And it's like, all the while, that dude was just at fucking work, man. He wasn't even, like, present or there. You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, health care, retirement options, and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.
- [28:24]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough. And cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared and stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now through October 7th. Shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy relief tablets or liquid Gel Halls cough drops and Mucinex fast day and night. So you and your family are armed and ready for the season ahead. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [28:54]
C
I bet you've probably been to the doctor's office in the past few months. I bet you had to hand over personal info like your insurance, your id, maybe even your Social Security number. And I bet you weren't thinking about how your doctor is just one of many, many places that has your personal information. If any one of them isn't careful, it's a good bet they could accidentally expose your details to hackers and identity theft, putting you at risk. Fortunately, LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a LifeLock US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed, or your money back with plans covering up to $3 million for stolen funds and expenses. Don't take chances with your personal income info. Help protect it even when it's out of your hands. Save up to 40% your first year with promo code iHEART. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iHEART or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off. Terms apply.
- [29:50]
A
So you want some tools? Let's talk tools, baby. All right, so we have to do the story versus reality check. When you catch yourself in the story, I want you to ask what actually happened first. What story am I creating about what happened? So maybe it's that the person said, I'm tired. And the story is they're tired of me, me, and they're trying to end this conversation. So that breaks the automatic story making because you're able to then move on to the next thing, which is evidence audit. So once you break the story, you can say, what evidence do I have for this story to be true? Usually it's none, right? So it forces you to separate facts from fiction. I literally had a client do this the other day. He kept saying, no, no, I have fat. And I kept saying, what facts did you have that if you acted different, that this would have been different, that this person wouldn't have left you, that they wouldn't have abandoned you, Whatever, whatever, whatever. And he said, well, I don't have any hard facts. I said, then we're done with the conversation. Fact from fiction. And so some that might be like, oh, they're losing interest. They text less today, but the evidence is that they still like you. They made plans for the weekend, they bought you coffee, they said they missed you. So then instead of us going down, that's what I mean by sometimes we have to say, what else is there? Every Day people argue with me on the Internet. If somebody didn't text you every day, it's because they don't like you. And it's a rigmarole that I go through every single day. And that is why I always say, what else do you count? What other facts do you have? Because you're looking at one myopic thing of like, they didn't text me the good morning. All the while, you're like, you just saw them last night, and then they'll call them later and it's all fine. Because the reality is, if there really is something wrong, talk to them about it. Have a conversation with this person about it. Hey, I noticed a shift. I just want to pick. I see if I'm picking up on that. If they're like, hey, whoa, not at all. I've been at work all day, man. I'm so sorry. And you're like, okay, cool. No worries. I was creating a story that you were mad at me, and I guess I was just living in my own shit. I appreciate that. And I want you to start even having some alternate storylines. What are three other stories you could tell yourself about the same situation? You break the tunnel vision of one negative narrative. So instead of, like, they're being short with text. So the first story could be he's done with me, or the second could be she's busy at work. Or the next, maybe they're not big texter. Maybe they're dealing with family stuff. Because then you can start to do the protagonist switch and you can say, well, what if this story wasn't about me at all? Because most of the stories that you create make you the center of other people's internal world. And here is a harsh reality. This main character energy. You're the main character of your story. You ain't to mine. So care about your life 100 have your main character energy, where you have your. Your boundaries, your morals, your ethos, your ethics. But here's a humbling fact. You think that you're going to be someone's main princess and character and the queen of their story. They have to welcome you in for that. You don't just earn that spot. And that's also why I say most of the stories that we create are about other people's internal world, and we make ourselves the center of it, which is why we then internalize everything. Because here's another reality. People are usually dealing with their own own. That has nothing to do with you 99.9 of the time. It doesn't. So what does this actually look like in practice? Because let me give you it. So before you have story awareness, you might go from, they seem different, they're losing interest. You're going to start to panic. You're going to send the anxious text, you're going to create conflict. And then there we go. Story becomes reality. But after story awareness, they seem different. You notice the story making you check facts. You start to consider alternatives. You ask directly if needed, and you stay, stay present. So instead of there being weird, this is over. Try I'm noticing things seem different. Tonight. I'm gonna stay curious. And instead of creating a story about what this means, I'd love to understand what's going on with my partner. I know, I know it feels scary, and I know it feels really uncomfortable. But once you start getting used to that, your entire life is going to change. And I promise you that that's a promise I can hold because I know my entire life changed when I stop assuming the worst, when I stopped filling in the blanks, when I stopped just creating these stories and these narratives, like, oh, Ryan's doing this because he hates me and he doesn't like me and he wants to leave me. And it' like, nah, my dad might used to do that, but my partner is not doing that. And I get to now challenge that and let my little know. By the way, you don't need to have this job anymore. You don't have to assess. Your job was never to figure out the narrative. Your job was never to read their minds. And I am so sorry if you ever felt that. So this week we handled all of this. Now next week we're gonna get into more stuff. Today you recognize you're writing stories instead of living reality. And next week, those specific thought patterns that fuel these stories, like the black and white thinking, catastrophizing, mind reading. We are going to do all that because your stories are made of thoughts, and we're going to get under the hood and see how those get created. And I'm really excited. I like this series. So, guys, as always, I actually want to try something. Drop a comment with the most ridiculous story that you have ever created about someone's behavior. I want to normalize how creative our anxious brains can get or maybe tag someone who needs to hear this. They're writing fiction and calling it facts. Send this to a friend that might need the reminder. Or just let me know. Let me know what you've done and maybe where you've come and where you've gone. And if you guys need more support with this. You can either work one on one, you can work with me or Sheila and kind of get to do some ifs work work. You can join the course or you could just keep listening to the pot and anything you guys need is all going to be@sprintazohar.com so as always guys, thank you for rating, reviewing, thank you for sharing with your friends, thank you for being here and thank you for supporting me every single day. I am trying my goddamn hardest to make these episodes, have an arc, have substance, have structure and help you guys. So I really hope you guys are loving them. And like I said, just please make sure your auto downloads are on. That way even if you don't listen to an episode, mark that baby is finished. It helps guests get a play and that way we can help and grow our community and make it even bigger and even more beautiful. So guys, thank you so much for sitting with me again. And until next week, Papez.
- [35:16]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats. Now through October 7th, you can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls rolls, raw sugar, milk chocolate, caramel, Jack O' Lanterns, Brock's Candy, Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [35:47]
C
Chances are you've been to the doctor recently and you probably handed over your insurance, your ID and even your Social Security number. Your doctor is just one of many places that has your personal info, and if any of them accidentally expose your details, tails, you could be at risk for identity theft. LifeLock monitors millions of data points a second. If you become a victim, they'll fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock. Com iheart for 40% off terms apply.