162: The Power of Detachment with Sabrina Bendory

Summary

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The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 162: The Power of Detachment with Sabrina Bendory
September 19, 2025

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Overview

In this enlightening episode, host Sabrina Zohar sits down with bestselling author and relationship coach Sabrina Bendory for a candid, in-depth discussion on detachment—one of the most requested topics from their communities. The conversation explores what true detachment means, debunks common myths, shares practical strategies to break free of anxious attachment, and emphasizes the importance of building self-worth from within. The Sabrinas share raw personal stories, client experiences, and actionable tools for listeners seeking healthier relationships—with others and themselves.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Introduction: Sabrina Meets Sabrina

• [00:39] Sabrina Zohar introduces Sabrina Bendory, shares mutual admiration, and sets the episode theme: addressing the confusion and challenge of detachment in relationships.
• Both reflect on their “hot mess” younger years, the vibrant NYC/Brooklyn dating scene, and early struggles with attachment and self-worth.

2. Sabrina Bendory: Personal Journey to Detachment

• [02:18] Bendory shares how her fascination with human nature was shaped by personal pain, including being destroyed by a narcissistic partner and navigating disorganized attachment.
• Early forays into relationship writing began when her ex suggested she “teach women how to do this,” sparking a collaboration that was ultimately unhealthy but catalyzed her career.
• The importance of honest feedback, especially from male friends, and how it contributed to her growth.

“The greatest lesson I learned in college was when I dated a complete, complete narcissist who destroyed me and sent me into the depths of my disorganized attachment style.”
— Sabrina Bendory [02:23]

3. Defining Detachment: Myths, Truths, and Nuance

• [08:25] They clarify that detachment is not numbing out or indifference, but rather rootedness in self-worth independent of external validation.
• Detachment is about presence and caring "without clinging to outcomes," applicable in relationships and other life pursuits.
• They discuss how the “black cat” TikTok trend and books like Why Men Love Bitches have popularized misconceptions—detachment is not aloofness or manipulative coldness.

“Detachment is knowing you are worthy, lovable, and enough, without needing anyone else to tell you. It’s not about detaching from people, it’s about detaching from outcomes.”
— Sabrina Bendory [08:25]

4. Personal Stories: From Over-Attachment to Secure Self-Worth

• [13:34] Zohar brings up her own painful experience of attaching her entire self-worth to external outcomes (career, dating, family loss, even Shark Tank), only to feel devastated when things didn’t materialize.
• Both share how obsessively looking for validation—through partners, achievements, or social media likes—ultimately led to burnout and emptiness.

“If I attach to the external, I am setting myself up for failure. Because if I attach to, ‘I’m only okay if I have this,’ then what happens when I don’t?”
— Sabrina Zohar [14:56]

• Bendory references “The Summer of Me,” when she finally decided to do the opposite of her old patterns—staying in, treating herself well, building self-worth, and eventually attracting healthier relationships.

“I was living life like a reptile. I could never feel like I was enough unless there was somebody clapping for me.”
— Sabrina Bendory [15:04]

5. Real Detachment: Presence Without Outcome Obsession

• [20:25] In recounting how she started dating her now-husband, Bendory shares practical markers of detachment:
  • Enjoying the connection but staying open to possibilities,
  • Not attaching her self-worth or emotional safety to a singular outcome,
  • Letting go of the “this has to work or else” mindset.
• Zohar echoes that the difference is wanting someone in your life, not needing them to complete you: “My life is full; if you’re going to come in, you’d better really add something.”

“Detachment is, obviously I want this to work out, but if it doesn’t, I am going to be okay.”
— Sabrina Bendory [22:41]

6. Unhealthy Detachment vs. Genuine Security

• [28:24] Being “cold” or dissociative after trauma is not the same as healthy detachment: true detachment is present, caring, and responsive, not avoidance cloaked as strength.
• Accountability: Partners can support you emotionally, but can’t regulate your emotions for you—self-sourcing vs. outsourcing.

7. Detachment in Practice: Narratives, Energy, and Grief

• [32:16] They discuss how people often create stories that amplify attachment—projecting fantasies onto unavailable or avoidant partners, or idolizing exes they barely knew.
• The dynamics of limerence and obsession are typically rooted in self-abandonment, fantasy over reality, and using others as a distraction from one’s own needs.

“Typically, we only obsess over people who don’t make us feel safe, because the idea we’ve built about them is better than who they actually are.”
— Sabrina Zohar [41:07]

• The somatic and energetic cues of desperation vs. security: people (including romantic interests) can feel neediness, even nonverbally. Your energy often dictates how others respond to you.

8. Audience Q&A: Detaching in Difficult Circumstances

• [43:51] How to detach when you see someone daily (e.g., work):
  • Minimize contact to essentials,
  • Pour yourself into fulfilling activities,
  • Don’t overly focus on details or stir the wound with unneeded interactions,
  • Allow the grief process—there’s no magic bullet for pain; acknowledge and move through it.

Notable Quote:

"You have to move through it. If I could come up with some magic bullet to bypass heartbreak, I’d be a very rich woman."
— Sabrina Bendory [49:27]

• How to make detachment sustainable?
  • Focus on self-worth building,
  • Realize it’s normal to have “backslides,”
  • Every thought is a choice: validate your feelings, but don’t indulge the old story,
  • Practice daily reframing—what’s another way to look at this?

9. Final Wisdom & Where to Start

• [54:55] Bendory’s closing advice:
  • You have more control over your destiny than you realize.
  • Detaching is making a conscious choice—no matter your background or challenges—to see yourself as worthy and let go of the uncontrollable.
  • Start small: daily decisions, daily reframes, self-compassion.

"It doesn’t have to be this way... If you can make the conscious choice to really do the work, to decide you’re someone of value, your life will have so much more peace and meaning."
— Sabrina Bendory [54:55]

• Sabrina Zohar underscores:
  • Detachment isn’t erasing your emotional parts, but giving them new, healthier jobs.
  • "If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything."
  • It’s a lifelong practice—there is no finish line.

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Memorable Quotes

• Sabrina Zohar:
  • "You have to love yourself more than the need to be loved by others." [13:34]
  • "The more you focus on the door that's closed, the more you're missing all the windows around you." [54:11]
• Sabrina Bendory:
  • "Self-worth starts with just deciding you are worthy. Then look at things from a new perspective." [16:47]
  • "Letting go is not about not caring. It’s caring without grip." [summary theme]

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Timeline of Key Segments

• [00:39] Episode theme and Sabrina Bendory intro
• [02:18] Bendory’s backstory, narcissistic ex, and first steps into writing
• [08:25] True definition and major myths about detachment
• [13:34] Zohar’s experience with over-attachment (career, relationships)
• [20:25] What healthy detachment looks like (Bendory’s real-life example)
• [28:24] Coldness vs. Detachment: avoiding the trap
• [32:16] Energy, stories, and the gravitational pull of unhealthy attachments
• [41:07] The limerence loop & self-abandonment
• [43:51] Q&A: Detaching when you can't avoid seeing someone
• [49:27] Q&A: How to make detachment sustainable
• [54:55] Final advice: the power of conscious choice and daily decisions

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Actionable Strategies and Tools

• Reframe the narrative: When obsessing about an outcome or person, consciously choose a new perspective.
• Self-sourcing: Focus on cultivating internal validation, safety, and belonging.
• Grieve what you’re letting go of; detachment often requires grieving the old identity or dream.
• Maintain daily practices: it’s not a one-time event but an ongoing process.
• Detach from the outcome, not from your feelings or from people—stay present and open.

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Where to Find More

• Sabrina Bendory:
  • IG/TikTok/YouTube: @SabrinaBendory
  • Podcast: "You Will Be Okay"
  • Book: Detach (details in episode links)

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For anyone struggling with attachment, self-worth, or how to build empowered relationships, this episode is an invaluable roadmap to reclaiming your peace, power, and authentic self.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Welcome back, babes.

[C]

Happy Friday.

[B]

I'm excited. It's our guest episode of the month, and we have Sabrina Bendori here, and we're talking about a hot subject that you guys ask a lot about. Detachment. How to actually detach. What does that look like? And we give you a different perspective, some different tools, and I'm just really excited. So, guys, as always, if you need anything, everything will [e-mail] or the link in the show notes. If you want to work one on one, ask a question, whatever you guys need. And as always, thank you, guys. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Please don't forget subscribe all the fun stuff, and thank you guys for being here. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Sabrina, Sabrina, welcome. Sabrina squared. We did it. Welcome to the show.

[C]

Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I can't even tell you how much I've been looking forward to this.

[B]

I'm so stoked. I know that when you reached out originally that your book was coming out, I was so excited. Cause I'm like, wait a minute. You were like one of my OG TikTok like, I used to follow, and I loved it. And I was like, you gave me inspiration of like, oh, I can do this. So.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. I was seeing other people have different thought processes and realizing, like, you're not alone in thinking differently, which actually feels really welcoming in a weird way.

[C]

Yes. And you know what? I really got to know you because a lot of my clients were like, the only people I listen to are you and other Sabrina. It was other, like, who is other Sabrina? I looked into. I'm like, okay, like, this makes sense. I get it. This is the style that you like.

[B]

From New York to California, here we are. So before we dive in, because today we're going to talk about the number one Thing that everybody asks about is like, how do I detach? Am I doing it wrong? How do I not care?

[C]

Right?

[B]

All of those things. But before we get into that, because you've got your amazing new book that's out, could you tell us a little bit more about you, your journey? And I think also you are a former hot mess like the rest of us, if I read correctly in the book. So I'd love for you to share your story a bit before we get started.

[C]

Sure. Well, I've always been fascinated by people and understanding human nature. And it's probably because people were so horrible to me that I thought if I could understand them, then maybe I could have some control. So I double majored in English and psychology in college. And I was always like, I want to write about people. But the greatest lesson I learned in college was when I dated a complete, complete narcissist who destroyed me and sent me into the depths of my disorganized attachment style. And anyone who's been through this knows it was the most unbelievably, profoundly gutting experience of my life. And I felt so alone. This is a long time ago. There was no TikTok. There really wasn't social media. I think we just had Facebook. And that feeling, I was like, I wish there was something that just made me feel less alone in this. And I had this, like, vision that I would write about relationships. I was very inspired by Carrie from Sex and the City as well. So anyway, two years go by, and this guy, because I didn't know how to process anything in a healthy way, he was still living in my head, and I had completely emotionally shut down. I wasn't detached. I was dissociated. I was full on dissociated. But then certain people would trigger me and I would go into this super, super anxious mode. But he was still in my head. So I decided to reach out to him. I was like, I can't exercise this ghost from my life.

[B]

So.

[C]

So I reach out to him. And because I was so dissociated and avoidant, guys were very responsive to that. Not because it was healthy or a good thing at all. It wasn't. But because I had that aloof, mysterious thing. Like, it would draw in a lot of male attention and guys would be very much, like, almost, like, obsessed with me. But then, like, they would get to know me, and I was such a hot mess that that would be the end of it. But anyway, I wanted to make him realize what he had lost. So I'm telling him about all the guys that are chasing after me and all the guys that want me. I was 22 at the time, so don't judge. But anyway, he was like. He didn't want to get back together, but he was like, you should write about this. You should teach women how to do this. And so we went into business together. Not so smart. He decided to be, like, the tech. He was my tech guy. He was your tech guy.

[B]

I was about to say. I'm like, this sounds awful familiar.

[C]

Yeah. So he was going to build the website, and I was going to write about it. Now, before that, I had another experience where I was ghosted by this guy we'd been dating. He disappeared, like, again. In the beginning, he was totally infatuated by me. I was, like, so aloof and mysterious. But then once I dropped and I switched into that anxious mode from my avoidant mode, that's when everything went downhill for me. Anyway, he ghosted me, and then he called me by accident, thinking that I was the new girl that he had started seeing. Yes. And I had a male roommate at the time who was subletting my roommate's room. And he was like, okay, Sabrina, come on. Like, it was Friday night. They walk in, they're like, come on, Sabrina. Like, we're going out. Let's go have fun. I was like, you're not gonna believe what just happened to me. Like, I just got dumped in the most insane way possible. And him and some of his friends were like, sit down. Tell us what happened. We're gonna explain everything to you.

[B]

So.

[C]

So I tell them the whole story. They break it down piece by piece. They were like, oh, when you did this, you were so needy. He had no respect for you anymore. What is the matter with you? Why would you go to his place at 2am? And I was like, this is what the world needs. The women of the world need to know this. We need honest, real advice from men. So that had happened. Got back in touch with the ex. He's like, let's start a site. And that's really where it began. Obviously, it wasn't a very healthy situation working with an ex who I was still in love with, who, unbeknownst to me, was also a narcissist. And I do not use that term lightly. I do not. I do not. That term has a lot of gravitas for me because of what I've been through. So I take it very, very seriously. Anyway, that's really where it all began. I was in that partnership for a while. We created Something very successful and really helped a lot of women. But it was not good towards the end and I was able to really find an audience on social media and so that's what I did. And now I just work with women and I write books and talk about relationships.

[B]

Make babies.

[C]

Make babies. Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting because like the thought of detachment even before, like I remember when you told me that's what your book was about. I was like, oh, I love this because I totally hear it. Like even to the questions you guys wrote in which as a reminder, if you guys want on the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, I have question boxes and that's how we get these if you guys want to submit. But I, I started to notice some themes and in the, especially when we're talking about, well, I mean it depends on what we're talking about. If we're talking attachment styles, boy, oh boy, have I seen some holes in those questions. But if we're really talking about detachment, I kind of wanted to maybe go through a myth busting what is, what it isn't because I know for me, oh God. I think back on my like anxious days and the progression of 20 year old Sabrina sitting. It's like, you know, you're sitting, you're like, oh, there she is.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Was supposed to go out with one of the bartenders from this was when Matchless was.

[C]

That's the name of it. Matchless.

[B]

Matchless bar in Brooklyn. If anybody remember, it's been closed for.

[C]

Like 10 of that place on the.

[B]

Corner in Greenpoint, right? Yeah, yeah. So blast really fast. It closed, it closed. And I remember because I had way too much on there. Like I was there all the time. I lived five like a ten minute walk. So that was my watering hole. Like I was always there and it was like the cool place to be for anyone that remembers. And I remember going and like being just obsessed with the idea of these dudes. And I remember there was one guy, he was a bartender because like duh, a 20 year old me should obviously be going for bartenders in Brooklyn. Yeah, that's what Sabrina should be doing. No offense to anyone that's a bartender in Brooklyn. It's just at 20 I shouldn't have been dating them and I did a lot.

[C]

They were so hot. They were so hot. Blame you.

[B]

I'm 20. You're like hubba hubba.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember he, this my friend was like kind of having a thing with him and he was like cheating on his girlfriend with her and instead of Me being like, hey, Sabrina, this isn't healthy for you. No. Instead I was like, I'm gonna get him to like me because I want him to think I'm the coolest girl and that I'm the hot one. And I remember we were supposed to go out one night and he text me like 10 minutes before to cancel and be like, sorry, I can't make it. I don't even remember the excuse. It was some bullshit excuse. And I remember losing it. And that attachment to the idea of them for it working out and like, attachment to me comes in different ways. Right. I can be attached to the idea of them attached to the out. Right. Because if he liked me, what did that mean? I'm prettier than her. Right. I created this entire fogging narrative that now as an adult, you're like, I kind of cringe when I think back on those days. But I was attached to so many things because I didn't have myself. And so I wanted to know, before we even get into audience questions, what is actually detaching and what is it not? Because you mentioned earlier, disassociation, numbing out. So I wanted to know because someone had actually said like, how do I do this without numbing out?

[C]

Yes. And that's the common misconception. Detachment is knowing that you are worthy, that you are lovable, that you are enough without needing any else to tell you. So detachment means you are absolutely in touch with your feelings. You are present. You care. It's not about detaching from people, it's about detaching from outcomes. And this isn't just a relationship thing. This shows up in every area of our life. For example, I wrote the book Detach. I put my all into it. I'm. I'm here talking about it. I'm. I'm promoting it. I'm posting. Can I control whether people buy it? No. All I can do. And if I'm going to measure my worth based on the sales, that is also not going to take me to a good place. Do I want it to do well? Yes. I still proud of it. Do I still think I created something meaningful? Yes. So I'm just using. That's obviously the most relevant example in my life about detachment. Detachment. I think that people get the idea confused with. And I'm sure you have a lot of opinions on this, the whole black cat trend. Right. The black catwoman. And really where that originated was from the book why Men Love Bitches. Do you ever read that?

[B]

That word came from. Yes.

[C]

Well, she doesn't use the term black cat. She uses the term dream girl in the book.

[B]

But it's the same, the same concept.

[C]

It's the exact same concept.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Because I heard, you know, on Love island they use. And she was like, I never saw that. But they were. Because Ryan and I were watching. We're like, holy shit, this infiltrated pop culture now. She was like, you found your black cat. And I remember just watching. And she was like, yes, he's my golden retriever. And I was like, no, he's not that person. I was like, you're both black cats. You're both aloof, you're both standoffish. I was like, you don't get it.

[C]

So I think that that concept just got so exaggerated and basically painted as, oh, she doesn't care. She can't be bothered. No man wants to be with a woman like that. No man wants to be with a woman who doesn't care. What they want is a woman who is confident and has standards and is not relying on a man to fill her emotional bucket. Obviously, your partner should be there for you and support you emotionally. They cannot regulate your emotions for you. You have to. The way I've really been putting it is you have to self source instead of outsource. And where relationships can get exhausting for a partner, this is. It could be man or woman, is when one person can't regulate and relies on the other person too much to feel, okay, absolutely, your partner can give you those things, but you also, it will never land unless you have a solid foundation within yourself. I've been through a lot. I've been through a lot in my life. And sometimes that's going to spill into my relationship with my husband. No matter how much therapy, no matter how much work that I've done, he can be understanding, but I still need to take responsibility for what's making me reactive, what's triggering me. And it's my responsibility, especially these days. My problem is more going into that avoidance mode. It is my responsibility to communicate that. But it's not always his responsibility to do all the work to like, get me out of, like that mode that I'm in. Does that make sense? Like, there's a balance here and it's so much easier to achieve when you're able to self source. And the way that you do that is by building your self worth. And the way that you do that is by not being so attached to every outcome, to every glance, to every comment, to everything. When you're constantly looking at the world. To tell you who you are, it's never going to be enough. You are in a constant state of reactivity. You get in situations like the bartender, tell me I'm an up, tell me I'm pretty. And when that doesn't happen, then you spiral. And then that leads you to outsourcing again and looking for the next person to validate you and tell you you're enough. And it's just never ending and it's exhausting.

[B]

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[C]

Oh no, you absolutely care.

[B]

You absolutely care. But what it is is that to me, my mama has said it and you guys have heard it me say a million times on the show, you got to love yourself more than the need to be loved by others.

[C]

Oh beautiful.

[B]

I love that when you love yourself more than need to be loved by others. And like Shark Tank I think is the perfect example of when I Realized I had put everything into one bucket. Like my past life was. I'm in fashion. I have a clothing line called Software Wear Software dot com, if anybody wants. And I. I thought that was my life. I thought that was where I was going. Like, I was talking about attached. I remember it's interesting. It's interesting to see now in hindsight first started, I remember my sister's friend Nikki sitting me down and saying, sab, you know, it's okay, like, if this doesn't work. Hyperventilating. No, it has to work. It has to work, but. But then I'm a failure if this doesn't. And I couldn't comprehend that if software didn't make me a millionaire, I am a fucking loser. I am the end of it. And so then when I had Shark Tank, that was it. I put I attached to. That's what's gonna save me every. It's my everything, okay? So I go on, I'm there and do my meditation. I'm in. I'm in. I'm on set and I'm like, this is it. I can see my future. I can see my success. And then they come in and they tell me they can't fit me in, and I get sent home. And I almost took my life that night. Like, I went into a dark, dark, dark, dark place because I put everything on. This is what's going to save me, right? And I have shared this story before that this guy called me. I had one date with him, and he talked me off a ledge. He literally just was there for me. And I remember after. Then I started my career. Then I started. Then when I lost Clem, it really made me realize, especially losing Clem, that when I attach to the external, I am setting myself up for failure. Because if I attach to, I'm only, only okay. If I have this, then what happens when I don't? So you're telling me I'm no longer okay?

[C]

Exactly. Exactly. That is the perfect metaphor for what we do all the time. And for such, for basically my entire 20s, I was living life like a reptile. Reptiles can't generate heat from within. They need external sources of heat. Right? And that's how I was. I could never feel like I was enough unless there was somebody clapping for me and somebody telling me that I was. And it wasn't until the very end of my 20s, when I was 29, that I decided to do the George Costanza route. Which is. You're watch Seinfeld.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Okay, so you know that episode where George Castanza does everything opposite. He's like, my life is horrible, and I'm just going to do everything opposite. And then all of a sudden, everything's going right. So that's really where I started, because I was like, okay, anytime something doesn't go my way or it doesn't work out with a guy, which is like the prologue of the book, I would binge, I would starve myself. I would go out and get blackout drunk. I would go looking for guys. I would go dressing slutty and just so, like, guys would stare at me and give me attention. That was my default, tell me I'm okay, tell me everything's gonna be okay. Instead, I was like, I'm not doing that. I'm staying home. I'm gonna do yoga, and I'm gonna drink green juice. I went to, like, an opposite extreme, and I was like, I wonder what would happen if I started treating myself as if I valued myself. And then that really started to penetrate and started to change everything for me. And above all, people always ask me, how do I have self worth? How do I decide that I have self worth? It really starts with just deciding that you are worthy. It's deciding. And then you decide to look at things from a completely new perspective. Because that's the problem. We all take the perspective of, this didn't work out. I'm a loser. Instead of, you know what? Fine, I tried. This didn't work out. This shows that I'm somebody with grit. And that is the number one quality that's going to determine if you're going to succeed in life. I tried. It didn't work out. I have grit. I'm going to pick myself back up. We can look at any situation from, how does this prove to me that I'm a loser? Or how does this prove to me that I'm incredible and look at what I'm made of. And that's really what I started doing. And that led me to a place where I actually valued myself for the first time ever. And when I did, that's when I started dating my husband, who had no desire to date me. For the decade before we dated in high school, there was no part of him that was interested in dating me again. We would run into each other every few years. I would get overly attached to the story in my head of maybe now, maybe now, maybe now he's going to ask me out again. Because I always felt that chemistry. I think there was a part of me that always saw that there was something there. And obviously he wasn't in the right place in his life for a long time either. But I'm telling you, as soon as I detached, meaning I let go of that fear that I was going to end up alone. As soon as I realized I, of course I'm worthy of love. Like, what is. Why have I been operating under a completely other set of beliefs that I'm not that I deserve to be treated like a crap? Everything shifted. Oh yeah, everything shifted.

[B]

It's interesting. I had my client who had a similar story the other day. And because it's when we come, when we talk especially about detachment, part of that, and I think the big part that people maybe miss is that grief is also part of it because when you're detaching. And that was my client. He lived for everybody else's, you know, he, we've been working through self worth and things like that. And I think I'd share this on another episode, but too bad you're going to listen to it again. And we were talking and he said at first when we started going through all this, he was like, I'm losing people, I'm losing people. My family's arguing with me, all these people. And I was like, well remember you're changing the dance steps there. People are going to take a minute. And so it's been about a year. And so we went through the hump of it's okay, you can lose people. And he was okay, losing people. And for the first time he didn't think of his act. Like this was, we were seeing progress. It was like, it's okay, like that's part of it. Then we had our session last week and he said, okay, so now I'm on a different side. And he said, now I went through, I had to lose all of it. I had to completely detach. And he goes, and now when I'm dating all these people like me. And he goes, and now I don't have the same problems. And he goes, and now I'm realizing people are noticing and saying to him, hey, by the way, I've seen how much work you've done. People that he's meeting are going, wow, you're so different. You're so growth minded. I've never met men like you. And he started to realize, he was like, I don't even necessarily like want to att. I don't need to attach to this. He's like, I'm able to just be in the moment.

[C]

Yes, yes.

[B]

And that to me was like, I think the biggest thing is I want you in my life. I don't need you in my life. Because that was where Ryan and I, like, I could be. I've said this a million times. I will be 100% honest if I didn't detach from Ryan in the beginning because we fucked on the first date. We had sex on the first date, and I even left him. I looked him in the eyes when we left, and I was like, listen, you call me because you want more than this. If you don't, don't waste my time. I was like, I don't do casual. And he even said it. He was like, what was so sexy was you were not like, this has to work out and I have to be with this person. And I. I hate to say it to anybody on the receiving end of this, right? For anybody. That was us, right? That did the, like, I need you. I need you. To the person receiving it, it feels so inauthentic because you know very well, especially when you're somebody who's a bit more secure within yourself, you know very well that I'm amazing. You know, you're amazing. How the. Does this person of two dates know I'm so amazing that they're hyperventilating if I don't text them back, right? The other person can pick up on that energy. And people have written in saying, do they know? Oh, they.

[C]

Oh, they know.

[B]

They. They know. They. You ain't tricking anybody. They know. And this isn't to scare you. It's to be honest, because I think someone had asked, how does detachment different from indifference and coldness? And I think that's the trickiness of, like you said, the black cat. Can we maybe talk a little bit more about what it doesn't look like, right? Just being aloof and a hunty bitch and being cold versus. How do you actually start to live in this space of detachment? I'm curious your thoughts? Yes.

[C]

Okay, let me get granular with this. So I'll tell you. When I started dating my husband, this is what detachment looked like. Like I said, we dated in high school. I was madly in love with this kid. He broke my heart. And I. For year, every few years, we run into each other, and I would get my hopes up. I would paint the castles in the clouds.

[B]

This is it.

[C]

Like, we're gonna get.

[B]

This is it.

[C]

Like, this is my happily ever after, and it would never pan out. Then we run into each other after I have this whole summer of me, which I talk about in the book, where I'm. I'. I'm Feeling good. I'm looking my best. I'm feeling my best. I'm living my purpose. And I just. I'm at the top of my game. This is peak Sabrina, right? So we run into each other. He messages me, and then he's like, we should get together. And I'm like, is this a date? Is it not? And I was so nervous that day. I felt like I was gonna throw up. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I am not doing this. I'm not getting my hopes up. So I told myself, I was like, you know what? If it works out with him, great. What a story this would be. If it doesn't, I will be okay. It turned out that was a first date. I didn't know if it was a date or not. It was seven hours later when he finally kissed me. I'm like, oh, we were on a.

[B]

Date four kids later.

[C]

Right? Well, so then in the beginning, though we weren't official, Things did move pretty quickly and I kept my options open. Did I care about him? Did I like him? Yes. Was I present when we were together? Yes. I was not playing any games. I was not, oh, I'm going to make him wait. I'm going to make him chase me. I was fully in it. The difference was I was not attaching to any outcome. I was not terrified a few hours would go by without hearing from him that it meant he was losing interest and what that would mean about me. Because I had a story for a very long time that I told myself, which is I'm defective and I'm damaged. And a lot of that was the narcissist that told me so. And it's amazing how all this stuff gets wired in and then it becomes part of your inner critic when it was really his voice. And I never challenged that voice. I'm too damaged. I'm too broken. No one's gonna love me. That was the song that played on loop in my head. So in the beginning with him, I was still talking to other guys, did I? Not only that, I really allowed myself when I. When my anxiety would kick into high gear, I allowed myself to imagine all the ways this could go. Option A, him and I end up together. What a story. Option B, okay, this guy who lives in South Carolina who I've been talking to, like, we used to talk on the phone a lot. And, like, we were talking about meeting up. Maybe I'll end up with him. Then there was another guy. My mom dug him out from who knows where because, like, she was at this, when I was 29, she's like, you need to get married. So she started calling people she found this guy sounded great, actually. Like, he was great. And we kind of lived these parallel lives and we were like in Italy at the same time. I was like, maybe wound up with and him or maybe I'll be single for a while longer. And at that point in time, I loved my life. I loved my single life so much. If I could pick one point in time to go, if I could, like travel back in time to any period of my life and just live there for a week and then I'll come back to my kids. I love my kids. It would be. Then it would be single, 29 year old Sabrina living in the city. Because I was happy and my life was fulfilled. And it was like, if you're going to come into my life, you better really be adding something, because this life is incredible. I don't need you to fill any slots. There are no gaps. Like, everything is amazing. So I really. That was detachment. That was detachment. It was, obviously, I want this to work out, but if it doesn't, I am going to be okay. There is no part of me that is scared I'm not gonna find someone. Whereas before it was, well, I never like anybody. And when I do like a guy, I better hold onto him for dear life. Cause who knows when the next one's gonna come along. Who knows? So that was. There was no fear. I was not operating from a place of fear. That's detachment.

[B]

This episode is sponsored by Quinn's. Fall is in full swing, y'. All. I'm actually. We're in New York. We're going. It's getting cooler. And now what do I need? I need to refresh my wardrobe. I need pieces that feel as good as they look, baby. And I'm so obsessed with Quinn's. First of all, I have their sheets. I've had them for two and a half years. I'm never buying any other sheets. They're incredible. And they are just the highest quality. They're linen. I've never seen anything like it. But what I love is that Quince has all the elevated essentials for fall. Like, like think about 100% Mongolian cashmere for $50. Washable silk tops and skirts, perfectly tailored denim. All prices that feel good, if not too good to be true. And honestly, I'm eyeing their wool coats. They look designer level, but cost a fraction of the price. And the quality, just as good as, not better, y'. All. I'm obsessed. I Just I love Quince. I love all of their products. 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It's not just about being in our head. It's also about understanding. And meditation helped me to understand my body and where do I feel this and how am I feeling in my body. That way I could get more somatic and not just be intelligent, intellectualizing, but also be in my physical space. And if you are a total newbie or have been meditating for years, there's always content for what you're going through. And whenever I use it, it just feels like it's made for me. And especially when I'm short on time. Headspace has these quick on the go programs that help me get in the right headspace in just a few minutes, even before a date. Plus, with over a thousand hours of mindfulness exercises, it's the most complete meditation library I've personally ever seen. So you can find something that that works. Guys, feel good and mean it when you say it truly. Like again, this is why I'm such a big fan of meditation. I love connecting with my feelings, my emotions and understanding where I'm feeling it, what's coming up for me and allowing my body the space to explore that as well. For a limited time, get headspace. Free for 60 days y'. All. Free for 60 days. Go to headspace.com Sabrina that's h e a d s p a c e dot com Sabrina to unlock all of headspace free for 60 days. It is free. You guys try it. Headspace.com Sabrina, it's also the story that you created. Look at the two different. Like my mom was, I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life because they're in addition to. Not instead of yes, yes, this person is in addition to your life. Like you were saying, like you are. My life is full. I'm really happy with the life I'm living now. That doesn't mean that there aren't days where you feel lonely, where you feel sad, like you're a human who lives a full spectrum of like, they're like, but I'm lonely. It's like, that's normal. But what you're saying is I get to make a choice if you stay in my life as opposed to what I hear attachment. And I know there could be people say, well, it's healthy to attach in your adult life. It's like, no, no, no, I'm not talking about that. What I'm talking about is attached, detached, Right. To me, when I say I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life versus when I'm detached. What I'm saying is that I know that no matter what, I'll be okay. And that if this works out great and if this doesn't work out great, because that's part of being secure. Right? People that are secure, people that were raised in a home, know that boundaries matter. Know that no doesn't mean scary. Know that their feelings matter. So all of these aspects. So if I'm attaching to this story and saying I'm only safe if I have them, well, then no wonder if I don't. It's hell in a hand basket. Because as a child, you're right. If I didn't have my caregivers, I was. I had to be attached to my caregivers. But as an adult, I'm not abandoned. My life isn't threatened because you don't choose me. What that means is that two adults made a choice that this isn't right for them. And if I'm going to attach to the outcome, I want people to detach from the outcome of people versus detaching from being a person and feeling. And I think that's the misconception, is it doesn't happen when you least expect it. It happens when you surrender to the outcome because you're not forcing something in your life, you're welcoming something.

[C]

Exactly. And that is what it's all about. That is what, you know, the Let them theory Mel Robins is all about. Right? Let them theory.

[B]

Not a fan personally, but I understand what you mean.

[C]

It really is. Is just. I know, and I hear what you're saying about that, but it really is letting go of what is not under your control. And it's not just relationships. It's every aspect of your life when you can just surrender and just say, I am going to take control over what it is that's under my control. A lot of women come to me because they are terrified they're going to end up alone. This is the thing that I see more than anything else. They're terrified they're going to end up alone. Okay. You can choose to live in that land, in the cycle of worry and sit and worry, am I ever going to have babies? My biological clock, everything's ticking. Thinking, what's that doing for you? Nothing good. Or you could take control over what's under your control. So what's under your control? I could focus on looking my best. I could focus on feeling my best. I can read John Gottman, Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work, even though I'm not married. Because when I am someday, like, I want to know how to have a healthy relationship. I can go to therapy. I could do coaching. All of these things are in the realm of my control. I can make myself a vessel who is able to receive healthy love. And I really want to bring up this point going back to what you mentioned before about the unhealthy, what people think detachment is. When I was dissociated because I was so emotionally shattered from that narcissist, what it looked like was I would date guys, I wouldn't let anybody close, I wouldn't let anybody in. And once it got to the point where there was this expectation of me having to, like, drop that mask a little bit, I would panic. I would absolutely panic and I would sabotage, and I was horrible. I would be so mean. I feel so bad for some of these guys because they just wanted to love me and I couldn't allow them, which was nothing about them. It had nothing. They were great. It was me. I was terrified. And in that space that I was in where I was, had a disorganized attachment, it was, I feel unsafe alone and I feel unsafe when I'm with someone else. So there was just no access to safety anywhere. That was unhealthy. That was me just being a cold bitch. Now, at the same time, if my husband was here, he'll also Tell you that I can be a bit icy. Like, that's still. That part of me is still there. You know, I am there is. There can be a bit of a cold side to me, but it's something that I'm still managing that is still a behavioral adaptation that I developed to deal with things that I've been through in my life. But I still care and I'm still present. And that is the key here. Being detached is really learning to be okay within yourself and not being so thirsty for other people to fill up your bucket. That's what it is.

[B]

Because when you're thirsty, it's like, are you gonna just take the poison? Cause you need a drink. It's like, no, babe, you can. I get that every day of like. Like, questions will be, this guy's really nice to me or this girl's really nice to me, but I just don't feel it. Should I just take it? And it's like, no, no, no. No one's asking me to do charity work. Right. Detaching doesn't mean that you're just like, oh, nice person. Take them. Detaching is understanding again. I'm living my life as a full human. I am living my life. And if I'm allowing you into my life, that's because I'm making a choice because you have earned a place in my life. But if I attach to where is this going to go? What's going to happen? It has to be good. It ha. Well, then that's the perception of control. And the perception of control is going to keep us in this spiral, in this ruminate of I can control the. Which is also why to my anxious attachers who love to listen and chime in and none of you guys, I love you guys. But some of them, the people that come in saying, you need to change the way you speak, I don't like how you speak. You make me triggered. You make me anxious. So anxious people, instead of being able to control themselves, they try to control the outcome. And the external I don't like how you're speaking to me, so you need to change the way you're speaking to me. Instead of realizing I get a choice because then I can say, I don't need to be here for that. So instead of it, I'm going to change how you are. It's. I'm going to make a choice for myself that this isn't where I belong. And those are two different experiences, completely different experiences. Because one is a place of empowerment of I am choosing that this doesn't work for me, and I am not going to attach that there's anything wrong with me or a story. I find that detachment sl. Attachment comes from stories more than anything else.

[C]

Absolutely. Yes.

[B]

Like, every time we talk about something, I'm like, it's the story that we're telling ourselves. Like, when I was obsessed with this guy in Venice, it was because he was successful and he was attractive. And so what did the. And the unattainable. What did the unattainable, sexy, attractive guy, if he chooses me, what does that mean about me?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I was obsessed with the idea of, like, I will be respected, I will be loved, I will be adored. And then I had to realize, you need to give that to yourself, because when you constantly try to seek that external, it's never enough. Because that's this endless pit of needs. That's why I'm too needy. No, you're not too needy. Your needs might be too much for the other person. We being able to separate and stop fusing with, I'm too much and there's something wrong with me, Amara.

[C]

Yes. Yes. And also, I just want to add to that that a lot of women will come to me and ask, why is it that I can't get the guys that I want? The guys I want don't want me, but the guys I'm just kind of, like, on the fence on. It's because of what you just described. The, oh, my God, he's so hot. He's so successful. You're basically sending out an energy of, I'm not worthy of you. You're better than me. I'm just going to try and overcorrect and overcompensate and hope that you don't notice and choose me anyway. Who wants to be with someone like that?

[B]

Spoiler alert. They figure it out.

[C]

Right? Exactly. I think people don't even realize the extent to which our nervous systems are linked. There are some wild studies on this, I'm sure, because I love, like, you're very, like, sciency. But for this book, I was really looking into it, even to the point there was a study done where they showed participants other people's hands being dunked into cold water. It changed the temperature of their hands.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

They showed participants, for less than a second, a face of somebody being angry, and it affected their facial muscles. We're all connected.

[B]

Mirrors make mirror neurons.

[C]

Mirror mirror neurons, mirror neurons. This is why somebody yawns. Everybody yawn beyonds. And so you think, oh, he doesn't know that I'M like, spiral. No, he knows.

[B]

He knows.

[C]

People know when you are sitting by the phone waiting for a text. I don't know how they know. I don't know. I feel like this is like Joe Dispenza's realm of, like, the quantum mechan physics, right?

[B]

To me, it's the energy of which you get the response, right? Because it's one thing. Like, if somebody, let's say, for instance, you really like this person and they finally text you in the day and you're instantly like, hey, oh, my God, so great to hear from you. How are you? Right? Instead of being like, hey, how's your day? Day, right? Because you're living your life instead of you. When you're constantly waiting, waiting, waiting. Like, I remember my brother telling me that he was like, baby, if you're. He was like, SAP. If you're always sitting by your phone waiting, he's like, then I think you need to fill your life up with more.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Because if you have so much time, that hyperv Vigilance of like, they didn't text me at this time. They said they're doing this. You have so much time on your hands that you can address the other person's attachment style, but yet, what's that saying about you? You can diagnose and you can figure out they're avoidant and they do this and they do this and they shut down here. You're so hyperfocused on them, but yet what choices are you making for yourself? Yourself?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, he's very wise.

[B]

That was. Well, that was me, but that's my brother. That's my brother's point, though. Of, like, I'm. I was so hyper focused on every single thing going on in the day. Of, like, why aren't they doing this? They didn't put a period here. So then what happened? I started to show up differently. This episode is sponsored by Curl Smith. If you guys knew me in middle school, I was literally flat ironing my hair because I did not know what to do with my curls. I didn't realize how amazing and beautiful they are until I became an adult and I thought it was easier to fight the frizz. But then I found Curl Smith and it honestly changed. Changed everything. It was the first time a brand really understood not just my curls, but my whole curl journey. It's different, it's unique, it's not the same hair everybody else has. What I love so much about curlsmith is they create products that actually meet your hair where it's at. Whether you need hydration, frizz, control, volume, or that amazing definition. They spoke to their community and 90 of curlies, which I think is so cute. Said they're happier with their curls after using Curlsmith. And I can honestly say I'm a curly. That's it. I'm officially a convert. And my favorite product. Oh, my God, I love it. It changed the game for me is the weight hair dry cream. Your girl does not have the time. And truth be told, it's their most beloved leave in conditioner. It's super lightweight, but it's also so really hydrating. And I see why it is a fan favorite. It's made with hyaluronic acid, wild muru muru butter, and babassu oil. Oh, I love it. So it smooths, detangles, and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy. And my curlies, we all know that is necessary at all times because frizz can turn on you real quick, and you need the right product. So, baby, if you're ready to embrace your natural curls, it's time to join the Curlsmith community. At Curlsmith, we're celebrating curls, and we know it's curls World. So find your curl confidence and take the Curl [e-mail] to get 10% off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. There was actually a story I share in my book that I'm writing, which hopefully you guys forget about this story, but it was a friend of mine, and there's just like this whole thing that we were talking about in the group, and she was a little bit overweight. It wasn't anything major. It wasn't anything crazy. It was just. She was a couple pounds big, bigger than she wanted. And she. We all went to Mount Matchless. That's the way she walked. A woman walked into a bar, and we walked in, and I saw it, like, I saw it firsthand. Walked in, and her head was humped over her shoulders, right? She felt really shitty. She walked up to the bartender, and it was matchless. He was being an asshole. And she started saying, it's because I'm not pretty. See, he gave you a drink quick. And I'm like, first of all, what the are you talking about? I was like, I was waiting for 10 minutes. This guy snubbed me three times. It's not because I'm thinner than you, but what happened? Her insecurity was projected onto everybody. Then as the night went on, she was miserable. She didn't see that. Three guys tried to come up and Talk to her. And she turned away. Then she comes up and she's like, I'm leaving. And she left. And I was like, man, look at the difference that that night could have been in hindsight, right? That night could have been a totally different experience. But she came in feeling insecure. And then one of the guys even came up to me and he was like, is there something wrong with her? She, like, couldn't seem to receive any kind of compliment. And he was like, I think she sound. She looks insecure. And I instantly. I was like, he picked up on it. Because we are attuned. I can understand that person. Right? When people write in and you're like, I can smell the insecurity. I can smell the desperation. Because look at the words that we're using. Because somebody is secure is going to say, I don't know that that works for me, but I'll have a conversation versus, I need to figure out how I'm going to say this. And I need to. There's a different energy that comes into the room when you pick yourself and you're not attached to the idea of them.

[C]

A million percent. A million percent. And when I had that summer of Me where I did all that work on myself, I can't even tell you. It was freaking raining Men. And it was raining rerun men. It was raining Men who? I was like, oh, I'm kind of interested in it. You know, I had a really big circle back in those days, back when I had a social life, not anymore. And I had a lot of guys in my orbit, and I'm like, oh, he's kind of cute. I would date him, and they were always kind of like, I don't know about her. Like, there's just something I feel like people could pick up that I was like, I was a little sloppy, okay? Like, I was emotionally messy inside. And then all of a sudden, it was guys backing me into a corner. You have to go on a date with me, please. Like, I'll do anything. Guys contacting me from, like, guys in LA who are just like, oh, I got your name from someone, and I looked you, and I would love to meet you. It was crazy. And it wasn't just that every girl wanted to be my friend. I was just a magnet for all of these things. And sometimes people will hear that story. Oh, like, you just got lucky. It's like, no. Because it was a decade of nothing ever working out for me, ever. Because I had an expectation that nothing ever works out for me. And so nothing ever did it was really only once I got into the headspace of I have so much to offer, and I just felt so good about myself. And you send it out and people are always going to reflect back to you how you are already feeling about yourself. And just one more thing.

[B]

Thing.

[C]

Like that example you gave about your friend who's overweight. I just got this question in one of my group coaching courses where the woman was like, I just feel like I'm too overweight to ever get a boyfriend. I'm like, so you're telling me that overweight people don't. They never serve love? Like, they just, like, are totally single. Like every overweight person in the world is single. She's like, well, no. And I was like, you're making your weight your prison.

[B]

Right?

[C]

No one else is telling you that. You're telling yourself that.

[B]

Look at the narrative. Almost every. Even here, I had questions I was going to ask you. What's the common theme of some of the questions that we hear? And again, none of this is shame or blame. Let's call out the elephant of the room. How do I detach for someone who's not right for me? But they're all I think about. How do I detach from someone when they were the best I ever got and surprised they were into me? I fear I won't do better. How do I detach? How do I detach? They treated me so well. I still love them. They've moved on. What is the common theme here? Look at the way we're describing them. And then you wonder why you're attached to them.

[C]

Yes, exactly. And I.

[B]

It's okay.

[C]

Yes, absolutely. And that's why it really starts with you and your relationship with yourself. A lot of the time, the people that you are way too attached to, or if we're getting into, like, the obsession and the limerence. Yes, it is because of something that they have that you really want for yourself. Maybe they are confident, they're charismatic, and you want that. You want to be that. But rather than cultivating it within yourself, because, like, that's hard work. Who wants to do that? If this person can choose me, then it means that I'm that right. Or you see it as they. Since they don't want me, they must be better than me. And so in order to prove to myself that I'm good, I'm worthy, I'm okay, I need to get this person. Because in reality, you don't really know anything about them. You don't even know them. You don't probably don't even know anything about them. You don't know anything real about them. The only thing interesting about them is that they're not into you.

[B]

And.

[C]

And that's it.

[B]

Typically speaking, we only obsess over people that don't make us feel safe because the idea that we have built about them is so much better than who they actually are. Someone that offers safety to you, consistency, reciprocity. They call when they say they're going to. There's no guessing. You're not leaving in the blanks, you're not filling in the blanks. But when we have somebody that they're either, maybe you don't know them very well. Maybe this is a new relationship. Maybe this is somebody that's like a celebrity, right? Somebody that's on this pedest. When we say I'm obsessed, I can't get over them. This limerence, what's happening is it's self abandonment. Because if I can focus on them, I don't have to focus on me. If I can look and project and live in the fantasy, I don't have to live in the reality. And that was a childhood core belief for me. My trauma was I would fantasize, I would escape. I would listen to music and movies and things where I'd be like, someone's gonna come and get me one day and it's gonna be what the movies have told me. I would play Barbie for hours because then I wouldn't have to live in the reality that was in. I could fantasize about the reality I didn't have have. And living in the fantasy felt safer. And so that's where I would say, what are my secondary gains? Right. What am I gaining by avoiding looking at myself? So if I can be obsessed with them, oh well, they're so smart, they're so funny. And then what am I saying about myself? I would really. Anybody that's listening right now, if you're attached to anybody, you are obsessed with somebody. I would love you to take out a pen and paper and really write, what am I obsessed with? And then what are three facts to back up this obsession? Yeah, because I used to like the guy that I had in Venice. I'd be like, oh my God, he's so funny. What did I have to back through that of? I didn't have anything besides, he had some funny videos. And so I Halo effect. I whitewashed it and went, his videos are funny, which means he's funny. And so then that caught me in this phase of, oh, wait a minute, I'M just trying to reaffirm some core beliefs. That's all I'm doing here is because that's how I feel about me. And they just reaffirmed that. And the reason I probably dated them is because of that.

[C]

Yes, because the subconscious mind is always looking to prove itself right.

[B]

Loves to do that.

[C]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

That's oregonhomecarejobs.com.

[D]

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[B]

All right, let's go through some practical questions and some challenges. So someone said, how do you detach when you have to work them or they're your classmate? I got that like seven times.

[C]

Okay. I mean, first, I guess you have.

[B]

To see them all the time. You know what I mean?

[C]

Is this like an ex? We're detaching from an ex that you work with and have to see all the time?

[B]

They didn't specify. I think, because I get this all the time of like, I get it all the time. And that's why I'm like, stop fucking people you date or stop people you work with. Like, please don't, don't sleep with people and date people when you potentially have to see them every single day. That would be my first thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless you're like really comfortable with either way. But I would say, I guess maybe both. Maybe one if it was never anything like a situationship type thing.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Or if it was a relationship and you're heartbroken and you have to see.

[C]

Them all the time. Okay. So the first thing I would say is you have to minimize contact as much as possible because obviously this is still an open wound and the more you talk to them, the more you flirt with them. If this is someone you have to work with, then only talk about work. Don't talk about anything else. More than anything, you have to pour yourself into something that makes you feel really good and really fulfilled. I'll give you a practical example in my life and I'm sure you have this experience too. Sometimes I get a little too into the social media, especially when this is our job, it's our livelihood. I'll post some something and I'm like, how many likes? What's algorithm? And I'm refreshing like how many people commented. Whenever I catch myself doing that now I'm like, nope, I am turning this off and I'm going to pour myself into something that makes me feel really good and puts me in touch with why I'm on this earth. Maybe I'm going to go play with my baby, play with my kids. Maybe I'm going to spend some time writing because I feel like that's like why I'm here. I'm here to write. Really, more than anything, that's what makes me feel alive. What is going to make me feel so good and so back in touch with, with like why I'm here. And it's not. I'm not here to collect likes. The likes are nice and the comments are great and, and yeah, it's meaningful. We want to share our message with as many people as possible. But I know I can feel it and I'm sure you can too. I'm sure all of you can. When I'm getting too attached to how the social media, the people are, are responding to what I'm putting out there. And so I recognize that. And if sometimes, if I have to just schedule my content and only set a timer of 10 minutes, I'm going to reply to the first few comments and not look at it. Then sometimes that's what I need do to do to like regulate myself and get myself back. Now how does this apply to dating? The same thing. If you are obsessing over a guy, if you're obsessing over your ex, if you have to see him all the time, you need to pour yourself into something that makes you feel amazing about who you are. Maybe you set a meaningful goal for yourself, a challenge, maybe you spend more time with your friends, but you need to get back in touch with like what you're on this earth to do. And it is not to pine for a man or a woman.

[B]

And I will say what helped me with because the social media was my same thing. I would get really anxious and I.

[C]

Would go so tough.

[B]

And I realized I'm like, oh, you're seeking safety, you're seeking the validation. You Want safety to know, look, look other, right? It's there. So for me, what I had to do, especially in the dating, right, when we're talking about dating and relationships, if we're really attached to the idea of these people, was I had to actually face the shit that I didn't want to, right? So that's where I would encourage that if you're attached to someone, it's like, start to pull on the string of a sweater, right? Start to see it unfold of, like, what am I scared of? I'm never going to find anyone like that. Okay? Is it really that I'm never right. We start to get of, like, what am I really so scared of? I'm going to be alone forever, okay? Have I always been alone? No. I've had 15 boyfriends, okay? So that's not a fact. How do I feel? Where am I feeling this in my body? What's coming up for me? Like, I think for so many of us, that's why I chuckle when it's like, wait, you know so much about them and their attachment style and everything, but what do you know about you and yours and yourself? Because we can distract. I could go to the gym for six hours. That doesn't mean that my nervous system doesn't still think I'm being chased by a tiger. And I think when we really wanted, like, when I was trying to detach from that guy, he was the last person before I started changing the way I dated the story I was telling you about. So he was the last guy. And like, I, up until that point, I had started to implement new things. Every guy, right? So. And again, heterosexual woman. So that's the norms I'm speaking. So let's say it would be a guy where, like, he would go four days without texting me. And so instead of freaking, I'd be like, okay, this time I'd do something different. And then the next time I'd implement something new, right? A different, different, different. And I remember this guy lasted nine days. And I remember the obsession lasted nine days because I remember it was like right around holidays and like, it was just a short thing. And like, I remember that didn't mean that just because the obsession lasted nine days and I was conscious and aware. That didn't mean that when I'd see him at the gym, because I would see him day at the gym, then my heart didn't sink, right? You know the feeling when you're like, oh, I want to throw up. You know, you see them with another girl and the Irony is, I remember he was with a girl, and she was so beautiful. I created this whole narrative. I'm now friends with her, and she never had interest in him. And she even was like, oh, him? She's like, he's the boy of Venice. And I was like, oh, okay, but show you. Like, I created this entire narrative that he found someone better and she's prettier than him. And instead, what I had to do was like. Then the next guy came, and I was like, all right, Sprina, you did something really hard. You walked away from the guy that you really wanted, embodied everything you wanted on paper, and you're okay. And so then when the next day came in, I was like, this doesn't feel good. It was small moments. And I think that's the biggest thing here, because someone said, how long does it take to detach? There is no fucking timeline, because there is no manual for this. Not because humans are human. It might take you six months, or it could take you three days. What will matter is how honest you're being with yourself, what realness you're bringing, and how much you're actually addressing the narrative and story in the room versus being, bypassing it.

[C]

Yes. Yes. That's why I think the word I say more than anything else is reframe.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You have to reframe. You have to. Whatever story it is that you're telling yourself, you have to stop and say, what is another way of looking at this?

[B]

A hundred percent. I want to know. Someone asked how to make it sustainable. I can do this for a week, but then my heart struggles again.

[C]

Okay. So to make it sustainable, you have to focus on building your self worth. And I think. I'm not really totally sure what she's asking. Like, I think, is it in terms of getting over an ex and not spiraling?

[B]

Or I think, like, the no contact as well, because, like, I. I can do it for a week, and then my heart's to trying, struggles. It's like, but that's also being a human.

[C]

That's being a human. And also that's normal. And unfortunately, like, if I could come up with some magic bullet or some pill to, like, bypass the heartbreak process, I would be a very wealthy woman right now. But unfortunately, there is no way around it. You have to move through it. And I think that Sabrina said something very, very important, which is about validating your emotions, allowing them to come up and recognizing them, not just, like, putting them to the side. And that's definitely not, like, what I was encouraging before when I Said, you have to throw yourself into what makes you feel good. You also have to be there for yourself. If you're not there for you, who's going to be there for you? It comes from within. And most of us, the way we talk to ourselves, we would never be friends with someone who talks to us the way that we talk to ourselves. And so you absolutely need to recognize, okay, I'm thinking about Jim right now. That makes sense. I was really hurt, and I'm not going to judge myself for the fact that I'm still hurting over this person. It's a process, and it's not. You can't just snap your fingers and just be a hundred percent detached. It's a process, and it comes in the choices that you make. Every single day, it comes in. And the choices of what am I going to choose to think? Because the fact is, like, okay, thoughts are going to come into your head. You have the choice who to give energy to or not. You could. Jim can pop into your head and you could go, oh, my God, I miss him so much. I'm never going to find. Or you can think, oh, he's popping into my head. That's normal. We're fresh out of the breakup. I'm going to get through this. He wasn't my guy. He wasn't my person. He couldn't meet my needs. You have the choice. That's where your power is. Which line of thinking am I going to go down?

[B]

The more you resist, the more it'll persist. I remember before Ryan, I had this one guy in my head, and I felt so guilty when I was dating Ryan, because I'm like, but I'm thinking about him and there's something wrong with you. And I finally had to stop one day, and I was like, or you could just let it happen. So he'd come into my mind and I'd go, yeah, that was a really nice connection. It didn't pan out. I don't need to create a narrative about it, Right.

[C]

And the more I did that, the.

[B]

Less it impacted me. To the point where homeboy reached out to me recently, and I chuckled because I was like, unsubscribe. No, thank you. The girl then thought, this is what she needed. The girl now understands it's not. And that's okay. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to evolve. You're allowed to outgrow people. And I think because, like, when I really read a lot of these questions, I think what I'm noticing is we're not trying to have you disconnect. We're trying. Trying to have you detach. This isn't about never feeling again or hiding parts of you. It's like part of being secure means that I know that vulnerability is really important. I know that I have to show these parts of me. But just because I open up to somebody or sleep with someone or do right. Doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that they now owe me things.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Because I think that's where people get really stuck up. Of like, I did a video recently because a friend of mine had this experience where he was going out on one or two dates, and these women were, like, asking him for a guarantee on the first or second date. Of like, well, I'm all in and I'm 100% and I need you to be. And a girl said, I don't understand, but I slept with him. Come on, Sabrina, that's ridiculous that you're telling me I can't. And I said, no, you made a choice for yourself. That doesn't mean he owes you anything. You are an adult. Unless you agreed that when you walked in and you said, if we sleep together, you're my boyfriend or girlfriend now, which is clear before. But that doesn't mean that after that, this person all of a sudden. And if you're going to attach that, well, I did this. Which means you have to. That's where you're going to be obsessive and compulsive and noticing. And then that's when the other person's going to realize you're not really letting this grow. You're trying to control. Control the outcome.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And someone trying to control the outcome to me is very triggering for me because that was my childhood, that no one allowed me to just have my emotions and feelings and be. And they were trying to constantly monitor and manage. That wouldn't work for me.

[C]

That wouldn't work for anybody. Nobody wants that. A relationship needs that freedom, that space to grow, especially for a man. Men are not. Most men are not commitment phobes. They're not against commitment, but they don't want to be backed into a corner and forced into something that they're not ready for yet. Like, the beauty of a relationship is when each has the space to choose each other rather than feeling like, oh, this person has an agenda, and if I don't conform to what they want, then there's gonna be consequences. I'm gonna suffer, they're gonna suffer. Or like, this just isn't gonna work. Nobody wants that. Because when you have an agenda mode. You're really operating from fear. You don't trust that things are gonna work out, and that's what detachment is. It is letting go of that fear and knowing that everything's gonna work out the way they are meant to. I don't have to force anything. I don't need to force timelines. I don't need to force things to be a myself. I trust a higher power. Whatever it is that you believe in, I trust, and that's it. And when you operate from that place, there is no room for fear. And the fear is what messes everything up. This is what messes. And not just in relationships, in all areas of life. So we just have to surrender. We do our best. You have to put in the effort. You can't just, like, sit back and do nothing. You have to work on yourself. You have to show up as your best self. You have to manage your triggers and all of those. Those things, and you give it your best. And if it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant for you. It's just not yours. That's it. And that's not a loss. Not a loss to lose something that's not yours.

[B]

The more you focus on the door that's closed, the more you're missing all the windows that are around you.

[C]

Exactly right.

[B]

If I'm just. I'm banging on that. It's like the example I use is like, when you're building burns, do you try to rebuild it with the ashes? No, because it's done. It's gone. Now you can be the Phoenix that rises and you can rebuild what actually works for you as opposed to trying so hard to force that. Because as a kid, I only had one. One caregiver. I don't have that anymore.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Ah, Sabrina, you and I could talk about this for days. Is there anything that you want to leave the audience with? It could be no. The answer could be no. But is there anything that we haven't really hit on when it comes to detachment or something that comes up in the book for you that you're like, this is really important. Like, maybe even a place of, like, where can people start? Right. What's a place of starting? Because I think that's scary for a lot of us of now. How do I navigate this?

[C]

Right.

[B]

Can you leave them with. Okay. Besides get the book?

[C]

Okay, well, first, get the book. Okay. Here's what I can leave you with. And this is what I wish that I knew sooner. You have so much more control over your destiny than you realize, and also, it doesn't have to be this way. I know, I know in my bones how easy it is to sink into that victim mentality of things are happening to me that are beyond my control. And I know how easy it is to just sink into misery's warm embrace. Not because it feels good, but because it's so familiar. And I also know that it's easy to look at me and think, oh, everything worked out for her. Who cares what she has? You know, like, everything worked out for her. It's because I had to fight for it like that. Some of us, it's not dished out fairly, it's not dished out in equal measure. Some of us have it way harder than others. That's the way the cookie crumbles. That's just how it is. But if you can make the comedy conscious choice to really do the work, I know that expression gets used a lot, but to really decide that you are someone of value with high self worth and things are going to work out for you and you're amazing and you're special and maybe nobody told you that your entire life. Maybe you got told the opposite. So what, so what does that mean? That means that it's true. Because they said it says who you get to decide take control over your life and what's under your control and detach from the rest. And if you can do this, your life will have so much more peace and meaning and joy and you're gonna notice that the things that you've been fighting for so hard are just kind of going to effortlessly come your way and you are going to become a magnet for those things. And that I can almost guarantee you.

[B]

It's exciting. It's an exciting place to be of. I wanna get rid of the way I was. The things I was doing. It's not get rid of them. It's about I want to let those parts know that they don't have to keep doing their job and let them know that they can have a new job now. That means that maybe they protect what's inside the house and not trying so hard to protect what' around it. Because I will be honest, detaching is what changed the game for me because I do that with my career. Also, if you're going to use do the work, be careful. Trademark it.

[C]

Oh God, yes, I really careful.

[B]

No, you don't meet people, they're like, is it a different show? I'm like, same show, just illegal bullshit. But anyways, yeah, I think what I'd love To leave anybody with on detachment is everything you've said is so beautiful. And it's like no one's, they're not broken. There's nothing to fix. Nobody is damaged. Even though both of us thought that. I used to tell my mom I'm a damaged good and she would yell at me and I was, she's like, I don't made back garments. I was like, but you did. What you believe is you'll see it when you believe it, right? It's not that you'll believe it when you see it, you will see it when you believe it. And if you are going to go in with, I'm never going to find anybody and there's nobody for me. And then, then no wonder you're going to attach to anything. Because when you think there is nothing, you will take everything. Because if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. And so that is what I hope that we can leave people with is the encouragement that you can change your life. But it requires, requires daily decisions and practices. Not just one massive Kumbaya because baby, you're good for a week. Be good for two, be good for three, be good for four and show you and your nervous system that you could do it.

[C]

Ah, Amen. Exactly. Exactly. This is not a marathon. There is no finish line that you're going to cross. This is not like, you know, a fit person doesn't say, oh, well, I'm fit now and I don't have to go to the gym anymore. I don't have to do this anymore. Thank God, we're done.

[B]

Not.

[C]

Nope, nope, nope. Every day you gotta show up, you gotta put in the reps and it becomes your new reality. I know what it is to have a default system of self destruction. I lived in that place for a very long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I choose every day not to go down that path. Do I slip up? Of course, I'm human. But I make that choice. And you can. The choice is yours to make.

[B]

I love it. Sabrina, where can people find you? We'll have the book like linked and everything. So can they grab it? But where can they find you to work with you or learn more?

[C]

Sure you can find me. I'm Sabrina Vandori on YouTube, on TikTok, on Instagram. And my podcast is you will be okay because you will. I love it.

[B]

Sabrina, thank you so much for being on.

[C]

Thank you, Sabrina. This was so wonderful.

[B]

Of course the Sabrina's unite.

[C]

Yes guys, go follow.

[B]

Go get the book. And if you guys need anything, sprint or sprint out here. Until next time, my babes.

[D]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough and cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared and stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now through October. October 7th shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy Relief Tablets or Liquid Gels, Halls Cough Drops and Mucinex Fast day and night so you and your family are armed and ready for the season ahead. Offerings, October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[A]

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