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The Sabrina Zohar Show
163: Why Your Brain Turns One Red Flag Into the End of the Relationship
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You can make a difference in someone's life, including your own, with a job in home care. These jobs offer flexible schedules, healthcare, retirement options and free training. They also provide paid time off and opportunities for overtime. Visit oregonhomecarejobs.com to learn more and apply. That's oregonhomecarejobs.com Foreign welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends. Welcome back. Happy Friday. I'm so excited. We're back for part three of the five part series. Remember, it was going to be four parts, then we made it five. Whoop, whoop. And so today I'm really excited because we talked about last week, the stories you create, right? We had the core beliefs, then we went to the stories you create. And today we're going into what causes you to create that, right? What's happening in your brain, what's going on? Catastrophizing black and white thinking. Oh, I'm so excited. It's the meat and potatoes of a lot of the work that we talk about, you guys. So these are really building blocks. And so if you haven't listened to all the episodes, feel free. You can go out of order, but they do kind of build on. So feel free to chuck it back a couple more and start to catch up. Guys, as always, thank you so much for everything, for always showing up authentically and allowing me to show up in my way as well. Please don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment, it doesn't matter. Even if you just leave a heart on an episode, let me know where you're tuning in from. Give me some feedback. I am always here, always available and just great. Thank you guys as always. And if you need anything, everything is linked in bio. You have work with me one on one, join a course. You can ask a question, whatever you guys need, everything is there. And if not, thank you for just being here and listening along. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Oh, hi friends. It's good to see you guys. Ah, we have another Friday together and I'm really loving the series and I would love to know if you guys do too. And if you're like, get, I don't care about them, that's cool too. But it's so funny. Right before I came on, someone said, could you please do more things on being single? I don't even have a partner yet, so why would I listen? And I was like, oh, That's a bummer. I was like. Cuz I was hoping that a lot of these episodes were gonna get you ready for what's to come. And if you're in a relationship and you're like, man, I kind of wanna date myself, I was hoping that maybe we'd go back to that too. But I'm hearing you, I'm listening. I hear you. But I am trying to evolve. Right? And so I get it. If some of the episodes just aren't for you, that's okay. But I do hope that you guys will love em regardless. Even if it doesn't directly impact you in that moment, that there's always so many nuggets and things that you can take away and that you can come back to it when you're read. I'm stoked. And yeah, man. I actually just got my prenuvo scans back. I had told you guys about that on the bonus episode and I'm so incredibly relieved. My brain scan showed nothing and I could take a huge sigh of relief because my mama and my dad both have aneurysms and I was fucking freaking out and they found like a small little fibroid and a cyst and they had found. They found my scoliosis, which I've known about since I was a kid. And so I'm just so grateful and it was such an amazing experience. Guys, I cannot recommend this enough. I will link everything in the show notes, just if you guys want to check them out. This isn't sponsored. I am just sharing some really, really great information and some life saving shit, you know, because it's true with my mama. Like I'm so grateful we found out, but it would have been too late if one of them had ruptured. And it really put that whole experience. God, talk about putting things into perspective. I think back on that time. I'm going off on tangents, but welcome to the show. I go back on that time and. Oh my God, did I ever. Wait a minute. Before we get started with this episode, did I ever tell you about prison bay? Oh my God, did I ever tell you guys about prison Bay? So. So this is bleeds into all the stuff we're gonna talk about in the episode. What when I. When my mama got sick and I kind of lost my shit. I was in a very unhealthy place. I was really volatile, I was yelling a lot, I was screaming, I was getting angry. Like I remember once I like forgot something at home and I was like screaming at my mom and like she did not Deserve that. I was a fucking asshole to her. And I was down in Florida, and. Because when my mama got sick, she couldn't be alone, and so we had to wait. She lived with my aunt who lives in Florida, and she was in Miami at the hospital, so we were able to, like, have that there. And so I was. And spending it, like, staying with her for, like, a month at a time. My friends were staying with Clem. Like, I didn't know it was gonna happen. And I was the only one. I was single. I didn't have anything, so I could come down. And I was on Instagram and I was. I was really escaping. I was trying to find escapism in this time. And I was on Instagram and I saw this really hot guy. It was like an. He had another. Like, it was a model and, like, a brand had tagged him. And I went to his profile and I was like, holy fuck, this guy's so hot. He was like, exactly my type. Like, six, four, tattoos, like, bulging. I mean, the body of a fucking male Adonis. Fully tattooed, like, neck down. Such a kryptonite for me. And big blue eyes, dark brown hair. Like, this guy was chiseled, like, even to my friends on. They were like, holy shit. Like, he was smoking. And so I shot my shot. I messaged him and I DM'd him and he messaged back. And we started chatting, and all of a sudden I was like, oh, my God, we're texting morning, noon and night, and we're doing all that. And like, I finally was just like, so where do you live? And he was like, I live in California. And I was like, oh, like the time I was in New York. And I was like, what do you do? And he was like, blue collar. And I was like, okay, you're a firefighter, cop or something. I don't know. And then one night, and then finally he was like, oh, do you not know? And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, oh, did you not see the photo? And I totally missed the photo of him in full orange, like a prison outfit. Missed it and didn't even see it at this point. We've been talking for days. I just needed the attention. I need the escape. Like, I was just so unhealthy in this time where I was like, I just need any attention. I need somebody, like, something to look forward to. A fantasy to look forward to. And needless to say, that went on for, like, a couple more weeks. And we talk, we talk. We would talk all this like during the summer, like while my mom was going through everything and you know, he was like in the prison camp and eventually got out and we never met. No worry. But I remember, I mean, talk about black and white thinking, talk about these ridiculous fucking idealizations and fantasies that I'd built about this person. And really what it was about was like he was just satisfying a fantasy for me. He was helping me escape from the pain and the sadness that I was in. And I hope that that' story can exemplify what I think a lot of us do and we don't even maybe realize it is because when we're sometimes struggling or in a low time or a bad time, we'll seek the external and we try to escape. And today we're going to bring it back. I'm sorry, I just had to give the prison based story and I hope you guys enjoyed it. I will die. You know me, if you guys ever want tangent stories, I could, I'm actually so talk about a tangent. I'm thinking of doing a one woman show. If you guys would be down, especially in la, let me know. I kind of wanted to do a, like I used to be a hot mess or Hot mess Express with Sabrina and share some stories. So anyways, okay, let's get to the episode because I just babbled about my past life for a long time. So I'm curious how many of you guys have dating rules that say something like if they cancel once, they're not interested in me, or my favorite, if they don't text me first or they don't text me in a day, they don't really like me. It's something I hear almost every single day. And so last week we talked about the stories that you create. So today we're going to talk about the faulty bullshit logic your brain uses to create those stories. And this is my favorite part because your brain has thinking errors turn normal dating situations into relationship verdicts. And we are going to go over all of those. And as always, you guys know all of this stuff comes from personal experience. Like I am not trying to throw shade at anybody with the black and white thinking or the catastrophizing or any of this stuff. And you guys know how I feel about black and white thinking. Especially if you listen to the content on social and TikTok and face on Instagram, Facebook, it's true. TikTok, Facebook or Instagram, which don't forget, follow along at the Sabrina Zohar show wherever that shit is found. And I think a lot of us we want to villainize the fact that we do this, but it's actually really human because this is how our brain works. But now that's where the work lies. Because I was her, I would think if it's not this, it's this, right? If they don't text me every day, they don't like me. It's good or it's bad. Because if I'm bad, they are good, but if I'm good, they're bad, right? I had to have a hierarchy in my brain. And so why. Why does the brain do this? It's because your brain loves shortcuts. So we have something called the cognitive load management. So your brain processes 11 million bits of information per can only consciously handle about 40. Imagine the ADHD brain, right? We're just like, oh, what about us? Can I handle, like, three? So to manage the overload, your brain creates thinking shortcuts, which are heuristics. So these shortcuts help you make fast decisions, but they're often wrong. The problem there is that dating requires nuanced thinking. But your brain wants simple answers. So that's why I always say we take the black and the white and we make gray. And sometimes we have to look at the research. So there was research done by Tversky and Canum in 1974 that says humans systematically make predictable errors in thinking, not broken. We're using outdated mental software for modern problems because your brain evolved to make quick survival decisions, not navigate complex relationships that kept you safe 10,000 years ago. But it's making you crazy right now. And Masha and I have talked about that. We have talked about that on our episodes of like, you're on old wiring, you're doing something that back in the day would have kept you safe, right? Tiger means danger. Danger is tiger, right? Or tribe abandonment. If somebody left you, if your tribe left you, if your people left you, like, if your childhood, your parents left you, you would be danger. But we're now adults, and it's maladaptive in our phones and our technology and all these things, but we're in faulty wiring. So I want you to even start there. So let's talk about black and white thinking, which is also called all or nothing logic. So what does it actually mean? Realistically speaking, your brain can only process two categories, good or bad, interested or not, relationship material or waste of time. So it's like having a computer that can only see 1 second and 0 seconds when you need to see the full spectrum. And so what's happening is you're seeing it from a very myopic little lens because your brain's like, nope, no, thank. Thank you. Especially when we talked about earlier. Your brain loves shortcuts. So if your brain loves shortcuts, you think your brain wants to do more work. She or they or he are doing so much work just to keep you alive. The last thing that your brain wants to do is now figure out more. I've said this on every episode and I'll say it again. Your brain doesn't understand where you are right now. It still thinks that you are in places that are trying to keep you safe. This episode is sponsored by Live It Up. You guys know me. 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Because when you're having some anxiety or whatever, you're experiencing stress, whatever it is, your body is going to need to fuel itself. And we gotta make sure you are taking care of you baby. And what I love most is it's free from sugar, dairy, gluten, and anything artificial. So it's something you can feel good about taking every day, y'. All. Live It UP is offering 15% off your first order, including subscriptions with the code Zohar. Plus shipping is always free. Baby, head to letsliveitup.com Zohar and use the code ZOHAR for 15 off your first Super Greens order. Guys, again, that is lets liveitup.com ZOHAR and use the code zohar for 15 off your first super greens order. These statements have not been evaluated by the fda. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. And so there's something called the logic error. So real life exists in Gray areas. But your brain insists on sorting everything into binary categories because it's easier to process. That's why we like to have this or that and the science behind it. Something called a category processing research. So our brains naturally categorize to save mental energy. Then we have the binary thinking studies. So when stress people default to either or thinking instead of nuanced analysis. So the more anxious you are, the more your brain demands simple categories. That is why when you're really stressed, when you're really tired, when you're ruminating all those things, your brain is going to default to that. Because a lot of you guys asked are like, is it, you know, if they don't text me every day, that's not cool, right? And it's like, that's black and white thinking. If they don't this, then they mean this. But we're not really looking at what's the bigger picture. And so somebody had asked, is it black and white thinking to cut someone off who didn't follow through on plans two times with no communication? That's not black and white thinking, baby. That's having fucking standards. Because what I'm looking at is patterns. And I'm not going to say that now moving forward, it means anybody who cancels twice is a bad person. That's black and white thinking. That would be putting them into a bucket. What this means is that what you're saying is, well, they didn't communicate. That doesn't work for me. So you're not having black and white thinking. You're thinking logically of it. You're having. Even if your thoughts are, I don't know what's going on with them. It's not that I'm black and white thinking would be, they're bad. I'm good, right? I didn't do anything. They're the problem. They're the bad one. Instead of saying, listen, I don't know what's going on. I have no idea what's happening in their life. I don't know why this person has now twice done this, but I'm not going to let them do it a third time, right? First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me. Now let's go into some common logic errors. So an example would be like, if they cancel once, they always will. It's one data point that you're making a permanent pattern. If they don't text first, they're not interested. You're ignoring all the other ways people show interest. How many goddamn times do I have to say this? People show interest in different ways. Texting is not the only way someone can show you that they're interested in you. People can fall call, they can FaceTime, they can make plans with you. And here's a crazy reality. Just because your anxious ass likes to be on your goddamn phone all the time because you want to maybe distract or you like the val. Are you like the dopamine? I'm talking to me too. Doesn't mean other people like that or enjoy that either. There are people, crazy concept. There are people that don't like to be on their phone, that don't resonate by words on a screen versus connecting with tonality and body language and eye contact. And that is okay. But if we're going to go with, if they don't do this every day, that means this, then you're just giving into the clickbait and the that we see on TikTok all the time. That's keeping you single longer than you need to be. Another thing, right? If we have one awkward moment, we have no chemistry, no motherfucker. One moment doesn't mean an entire relationship potential is out. And guys, you also know when I say things like bitch or motherfucker and things like that I love you. It's just my natural cadence of, what are you doing? No, baby, it's not that. And the reality is that just because somebody in that moment, you have a disconnect, right? And that's kind of the other thing of like, if we fight, that means that we're not going to be okay. No, that's black and white thinking. That's actually really normal. That's part of it. Part of relationships are that you're going to have moments and times. And that was really big for me. I'll be honest, that was a big one. I had to work through. A big thing for me to work through personally was not looking at, if this happens, that means everything is over. Because that was going back into core beliefs. If my dad lives, then that means I'm abandoned. If this doesn't work out, if this person leaves me, I'm alone. But the reality is now I'm an adult. I get to make choices. And now if I have conflict with my partner, we also have repair. And that also means that I get to be the adult that I didn't have and I get to handle things differently. And so if we have one moment in our relationship, that doesn't mean the entire thing is over. And if it means it's over simply because you have a fight with your partner, or you guys have an argument, or you say something that the person doesn't like and they cut you off. Then I hate to break it to you, this person was never there for you. They were there for how it made them feel. And the last one, either they're perfect or they're terrible. There's no middle ground for human complexity. Which is why I say it's the same thing of like, a guy knows within five minutes if he wants to be with you. It's like, no, not everybody is chocked up to a bumper sticker. Not everybody knows within the first five minutes. Not everybody is. If they don't text me, they don't like me me. Because here's the reality, baby. I could go the same way. Just because they text you doesn't mean they want anything with you. And I could hold that as my truth and say, well, it's good or bad. But I'm not. I'm saying that's a possibility. Now, why do we do this? Your brain prefers certainty over accuracy. A wrong answer feels better than no answer. Which is why we're saying that your brain is trying to keep you safe. So when you catch yourself in always or never thinking, I want you to start to ask yourself what would be true? Sometimes, but not always. What is something that I could hold on to? Okay, maybe that if they don't text me every day doesn't mean that they don't like me. Maybe that just means that, like, they don't love texting doesn't mean that it's always true. But maybe in this situation it might be that's okay. So now let's go into catastrophizing, and that's that worst case, default logic. So what is catastrophizing? Actually, it's that your brain has a malfunction. It's fun where it treats the worst possible outcome as the most likely outcome. It's like having a weather app that only fucking predicts hurricanes. And the reason that you're doing that, first off, is the logic error. You're assigning high probability to low probability events because dramatic outcomes feel more real than boring ones. Let me say that again. You're holding on to dramatic because they feel more real. And the science behind it is the availability heuristic. So we judge likelihood by how easily we can imagine something. Then we go into the negativity bias and probability. Bad outcomes feel more real because our brain pays more attention to threats and then anxiety amplification. When your anxious brain is on, you literally cannot accurately access probability oh, baby. That's why we'll go from they didn't call me to all of a sudden, it's like, they don't like me. They don't want to be with me. It's like your brain is going, one small thing happened, worst case scenario. Because again, at one point in your life, that was survival. And maybe you didn't know, you weren't prepped, you weren't ready. And your brain's like, no, no, no, I'm going to keep you ready. We're going to come up with the worst fucking case scenario that could ever happen. So let's get into some audience questions. Why are we catastrophizing by default very often in our brain? And how do we stop it? Well, let's talk about it. Your brain is designed to overestimate threats because it's better to be wrong about danger than dead. By not seeing what the problem is, you're applying this threat detection to dating where the dangers aren't actually life threatening. And that's been my biggest issue. When we catastrophize, they're going to leave me. I'm going to be alone forever. They're going to ghost me. I'm never. It's like. And what's the worst thing about that? What is the worst thing? It's not that you're, you're not, your life isn't in danger, you're not threatened. This person is just maybe exiting stage left. Or they, they found somebody else, they did all that. Okay, what's the worst thing about that? Sure, it sucks that that happens, but the worst thing about that is the narrative and the story that we're creating about it more than anything else. And the fear that we're holding on to. Those are not life threatening. But your body doesn't know the difference. Difference. Someone asked, how did reality check myself? When catastrophizing, I want you to ask yourself, what percentage of chance does this worst case scenario actually have? So usually your catastrophic thoughts involve a 1 to 5% probability events that your brain treats as a 90% certainty. Yeah, so 90 certainty. But it's actually a 1 to 5% chance. So they seem tired. 90 chance they're losing interest. But the reality is it's like 5%. You have an awkward conversation, you're like, 80 chance we're incompatible. But it's like no 100% chance that humans have awkward moments. Moments they take longer to text. 70 chance they're ghosting me. The reality is it might be like 10%. Plans change. Oh, 85 chance they're making excuses. It's like, yeah, more so like a 15 chance. Your brain treats possible as probable and probable as definite. And then we wonder why it is that we're stuck. And Katana. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst. It's like, I hate to say it, but if you catastrophize consistently, I also would struggle to ask, do you trust yourself? Do you trust yourself that no matter what, you're going to be okay? Because if you're catastrophizing and you're going over every worst case scenario, it's because a part of you doesn't believe that you'll be able to protect yourself. And so you have to know everything that's to come so that you can keep yourself safe. This episode is sponsored by Curl Smith. Y', all. You know me, I used to straighten my hair every single week because I didn't know what to do with my curls. I grew up when they were unruly. I used to remember I literally took a flat iron, like an iron, and would straighten my hair before school because I literally didn't know what to do. But then, baby, I found Curl Smith and it has truly changed everything. You guys know my hair is my thing. It was the first time a brand really understood not just my curls, but my whole curl journey and understanding how to keep my hair looking fabulous. And tech guys too, cuz he's got really curly hair and I love it. My favorite personally is the weightless air dry cream. It's so light, but it really helps to, like, maintain the frizz. It's one of their most loved leave in conditioners. It's super lightweight, but it's also really hydrating. And it's made with hyaluronic acid, wild Muru muru butter and Bobosu oil. So it smooths, detangles and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy, y'. All. If you're ready to embrace your natural curls, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and we know it's a curls world, baby. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10 off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Yeah, we've all done it before. You turn to your barista, your hairdresser, or honestly, even a random stranger in the bathroom for life advice. Like, we haven't been there, as fun as they are to talk to the reality is you got to look for somebody that is licensed, somebody that can actually help with clinical issues like relationships, anxiety, depression or other clinical issues. And they might not have all the right answers. So instead, let's get guidance from a licensed therapist online with Better Help. Personally, I've been on BetterHelp since 2018 with my breakup, and it's changed the game. I love Better Help because at any point you could message your therapist. That way when they come back online, they are able to stay on track and keep up with what's happening for you. So you have a place that you can kind of just even journal. And at any point you could go up and pray, press, find a new therapist, and you will be matched with another therapist because, baby, they have over 30,000 therapists. Better help is the world's largest online therapy platform and they've helped serve over 5 million people globally. That's amazing. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Find the one with Better Help. Our listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better help. Betterhelp.com Sabrina all right, so here's a tool. I want you to start to say my brain is confusing possible with probable. What is the actual likelihood here? And last, let's go into some filtering. This is a biggie. Selective evidence logic. And I do that too. So what does it mean? Your brain has a faulty search function that only finds evidence for what you already believe. It's like having Google, but it only shows you results that confirm your fears. And I know it all too well. Welcome to me reading reviews. So the logical error is that you're not gathering all available information. You're cherry picking data that supports predetermined conclusions. Like me, when I see the negative comments, the negative trolls the negative this. I can see that so much quicker than I can see positive because my brain's like, hey, you've always known that people don't like you. You hated yourself for a while, so most people probably hate you. So let's go into that and the science behind it as we talked about many a time, confirmation bias research. So people seek information that confirms existing beliefs and ignore contradictory evidence, which is why we talked about core beliefs in the first episode so that we could loop it all together. Then we have the attention bias study. So an an we literally don't see positive information even when it's right in front of us. And then we go into selective memory. We remember negative events more vividly and positive events fade faster. Which is where I go back of, like, when I say, challenge your thoughts. No, they're gonna leave me. They don't care about me. They don't like me. And you're like, dude, damn. Where you're with them last night? Like, weren't you literally just with them? Or didn't they just say they were gonna see you tomorrow? And it's like, I get it. But at the same time, we have to understand that your brain is trying to keep you safe and is filtering. Doesn't mean it's always accurate. Accurate. And so somebody had asked in the audience cues, as always, guys, Omni Instagram, if you guys want to ask. So every small thing becomes evidence that they're going to leave. What do I do? No, your brain is operating like a goddamn detective who's already decided everyone's guilty. You notice every neutral thing is negative evidence while ignoring all the positive signs. Because you're not really being observant, you're being more selective. And if you really want to, it's like, then we have to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We have to understand what's coming up for us. What is this narrative that I'm creating? Reading. And now we'll go into. Someone said, how do I break the cycle of rereading the last text over and over, looking for clues? I'm going to say something that's probably going to be a little harsh. You're not actually looking for clues. You're looking for a confirmation of what you already fear. You're looking to reaffirm your core beliefs. Every time you reread, you're finding new evidence because you're filtering the same information through anxiety instead of curiosity. And so you're not actually looking for clues, you're finding it. That's why I always say when people are like, should I go through my boyfriend's phone? It's like, you'll find something. Don't you worry about that, because you are hell bent on finding it. Now. There's a difference between I have a ton of data. Like, Janae and Kenn on Love island. Or. Yeah, like, that whole situation, if you know, you know, that felt very like from the beginning. I was like, this guy's not interested in her. Like, it's very. This guy's not interested. So it's like when she went through his phone, it's like, shocker. The guy that didn't want to commit to you, that didn't want to move in that didn't want to do all these things. Shocker, he was talking about you. It's like, but you knew that based on the behavior, you just didn't want to see it. And now, okay, versus am I creating a situation here that doesn't exist and I'm looking for a problem. And I get that. I used to do that. I would find an issue with everything because I was like, ah, I need to keep myself safe. And some common ways that this shows up is they'll say, like, you'll notice that they said cool instead of like, cool sounds good. But you're ignoring the fact that they made weekend plans with you. So you'll focus on the shorter text responses, but you completely miss the fact that they brought you coffee in the morning. Or you're gonna obsess over seeming distracted, them having one fucking day, but you're gonna forget that they said that they miss you yesterday. You're gonna collect all of these uncertain moments, but all of the moments you're missing of conn. Why? I always say, why do you think? I drill this in? I drill this into the moon and back. If you are going, if this person doesn't do this, then that means they don't like me. Then you are looking at low effort and you are not looking at the full picture. Now, that can only hold true when you say, if they don't respect me, if they don't satisfy my needs, if they're not communicative, sure. Then you can say, I don't think this is right for me. But if you're looking and saying, well, they didn't text me today, that means they don't like me. They didn't do. They didn't bring me flowers on the first date. That means they're cheap. It's like you're taking one thing and making it mean this entire thing. And then you wonder why you are not able to find somebody. Okay, so now what I want you to do, here's a tool for every piece of evidence. I want your brain to then go, what's one piece it ignored? So every piece of evidence, Right? They didn't text me today. Okay. And what's one thing that it's ignored? Oh, they told me that they were going to be busy today, or they said that they can't wait to see me tomorrow. Okay. And the way that they all kind of work together, all these different things is like kind of a perfect storm. And let's set it up so you have black and white thinking that sets up the categories, either they like me or they don't. Then catastrophizing fills in the worst option. They definitely don't like me and they're 100% going to leave me and I'm going to be alone forever. And then filtering provides the proof up. See, here's the evidence that confirms all of it. And then we go right on into a lovely thing called the fucking feedback loop. Faulty logic creates anxiety. Anxiety makes logic worse. Worse logic creates more anxiety. So you go, right, you'll apply a super rigid rule, you'll catastrophize the outcome, and then you're going to filter for confirming evidence. And then you're going to say, see? Proven right. And then you're going to apply more rigid rules. And it's the same thing, right? I see this all the time with like intimacy. See, well, I don't sleep with someone for 10 dates and then 10 dates come by. You sleep with them, they ghost you after, or they don't answer you, they break it off. Then you're like, I'm doubly c. I knew it. And I'm doubling down even more. I knew it. That proves right. But at the end of the day it's like, but it was never about that. It was never about the intimacy. It was never about this rigid rule. It was never about the like, I don't do this and I only do this. What it's about is what also is the energy. And how are we showing up with the other person? Remember, your brain is not trying to hurt you. It's using stone age logic for space age goddamn problems. It's like trying to run Photoshop on a calculator. The system can't handle what you're asking for it do. And then we go into like, what is this going to cost you? Cuz you're going to have decision paralysis. I mean, let's be real. Lord knows that's what the dating apps are. Your logic system is broken. You can't make normal decisions. Every choice is going to feel super extreme. Every outcome feels catastrophic. Every piece of information gets misinterpreted. And then you're going to send 20 minutes crafting a text because your brain thinks the wrong words are going to end everything. And that is a distortion of reality because you're not actually in the present moment. You're not living in reality. You're living in your brain's distorted version of reality. And that's why it keeps getting reaffirmed. And the reality is other people can sense when you're Operating from faulty logic. It creates the problems that you're trying to avoid. That's a self fulfilling prophecy. That is what I mean by when I used to get really anxious and then I would push the person away, I would start to be really in dramatic. I would start to do the protest behavior which we're going to do next week. We're going to go over that. And when I would start to engage all this and then when it wouldn't work out, I'd be like, see, told you. All men are this and they keep. Why do you think I fight so much on the black and white thinking on the Internet? Why do you think I am always trying to push different perspectives? That's why is because you're ingesting content that's keeping you where you are. This episode is sponsored by Green Chef. I love fall. Personally, it's my favorite. The crisp air, the cozy sweaters and warm flavors. It just makes it feel comforting. And one thing too is like we're home a little bit more. And tech eye, he's the cook around the house. I don't know what I'm doing, but sometimes I want to cook with him and he doesn't use recipes. And that's why I love Green Chef. They are the number one meal kit for clean eating and you can do just that. And it's really fun because then we can have a little date night. And I love it because they make it easy to spend less time in the kitchen and more time enjoying fall so we can have a nice cozy romantic dinner and sit out by the fire. And I love it because they also have new heat and eat meals, which is perfect for me in my lunch days because your girl does never eat enough. Plus you can enjoy delicious wholesome meal in just under three minutes. That is incredible. Guys. Make this fall your healthiest yet with Green chef. Head to greenchef.com 50sABrina and use code 50sABrina to get 50% off your first month, then 20 off for two months with free shipping. Again, that's the code 50sABrina@greenchef.com 50sABRINA. A woman's only high value if she does this. It's like, no. You know what makes somebody valuable? No, it makes somebody valuable isn't the money that they spend. It's not the car they drive and it's not the amount of money that they drop on you in a date. What makes them valuable and high value is their morals, their ethos, their ethics. How the do they treat a waiter? How do they treat you when you say no. What do they do when you ask for help or you need them that makes somebody valuable? How? I value my and time, my energy, my resources. That is high value. Not this that you see on the Internet of high value. Women don't go on a walking date. I value my time. I'm gonna go on a walking date because I'm gonna assess if you work for me, not if I just work for you. So let's give you some tools. I want you to notice when you have a strong emotional reaction. I want you to pause and say, what logic error am I making? Am I doing black and white thinking? Like, am I forcing this into two categories? Am I catastrophizing? Am I treating a small possibility, like a big probability? Or am I filtering? Like, what evidence am I ignoring? And something I right when I would freak out about the business and the stuff, I would go, oh, I'm going to lose everything tomorrow. And it's like, okay, let's sit down. Will I actually lose everything tomorrow? No. Unless I made the worst investments and I didn't. Am I actually going to be homeless? No. I've got two years of Runway until that happens, right? Like, you can start to go, okay, it's not really probable. Am I going to be alone forever? Never meet anyone? Probably not, because I've met 25 people in the last six months, so I'm probably going to keep meeting people. And this is where you can do the probability reality check. If a hundred hundred people were in this exact same situation, how many would experience my worst case scenario? What that does is it forces you to think in realistic percentages instead of using anxiety math, which I do all the time. And it usually reveals that you're certain disaster is actually pretty unlikely. Like me being left and abandoned. And then another thing I want you to do is take an evidence audit. What evidence supports my fear? What evidence contradicts my fear? And what evidence am I probably missing? If I was helping a friend with the situation, what would I tell them at to look look for? Because that's going to be really important. And then another practice, it's called the gray area practice. I want you to notice when you catch yourself thinking the black and white, what would be partially true here? When you catch yourself in that catastrophizing. And what's a medium case scenario, right? Maybe they didn't ghost me. Maybe they're just going to talk to me later. And when you catch filtering, what's one positive thing I haven't paid attention to? And this is what I'M saying is like, we're building. Every week we are building and giving you guys more and more tools. I'm giving you the education, I'm giving you tools. And at this point now, it's about you doing the work. As you know, we have the courses. You can work one on one. You can join the foundation course that gives all of these information. All this meat and potatoes in one place you had. It also includes free group coaching. As long as we're doing it for the remainder of life at this point, every single month. And all of this now is about what are you going to do to implement it? How are you going to catch yourself in the black and white thinking? I used to do that, I'd be like, okay, Sabrina, challenge that, right? Oh, you think this guy's never going to call you again? Like, when I left Ryan, I was like, I'm probably not going to hear from him again. But I wasn't like, I'm never going to hear from him again. I'm catastrophized. It's the end of the world. I was like, I don't know, probability wise it's low. And I was like, but I guess we'll see. What are you doing to help yourself get out of this? Like, I'm, I fucked up and I sup with them, which means that they're not going to like me. And it's like, and now, guys, we went through episodes one through three. So we had the internal stuff, the beliefs, the stories to the faulty logic, and now the next episode. What do you do when the internal stuff takes over? Right? You've learned your brain creates dating drama. And next week we're going to talk about what actions you can take when that drama feels real. And like I said, guys, if you need anything, it's always there. Please don't forget, rate, review the show, leave a comment, whatever you guys need, I got you in the courses. Or if you just want to ask a question or you just want to listen, I just want you guys to know that it is all here for you. And at the end of the day, recognizing faulty logic is the first step. But now training your brain to think differently requires consistent practice with the right goddamn tools. And here's my last ask, I want to know, leave it in the comments. What faulty logic error is your brain's favorite? Do you like black and white thinking? Do you like catastrophizing or filtering? I want you to drop a comment because I guarantee you, you are not the only one whose brain has trust issues. With reality, I'll go from. First I go from black and white thinking, I did that for a while, not anymore. Catastrophizing is still my issue. I'm still working on that and probably looking for the proof. That's why I don't engage in a lot of the comments. Sometimes that's why I will read them quickly and pop off. It's like, because my, my mental health can't handle it. That's me protecting myself. I used. It's so funny, before I created content, I used to look and say, I understand, how can these creators not control their audience Until I became one. And I was like, that's how you're wrangling a bunch of cats. It's really difficult to maintain your audience. And for my mental, I don't need to see a bunch of people's projections and misery. It's the fucking Internet. It's a wide open forum. So I protect myself, but I'm still working on it. Catastrophizing and all of the Looking for proof and trying to find. Look, see, that's what my dad used to tell me. There it is. And instead I'm giving myself new choices and I'm allowing myself and saying, this is okay. It's okay if I default there, right? Like my brain's trying to protect me and keep me safe. I got a lot of things going on. But what's important is once I get there, I can address it, I can assess it, and I do what I need to do in order to help handle it. So, guys, I'm so proud of you. As always, thank you for sitting with me. If you need anything, don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with your friends, pop it into a Facebook group. If your friend shared, this might be because you need it. And that's a really beautiful act of love is being able to help your friend of like, hey, I think you do this and I'd love to bring this to your attention. So I love you guys. And as always, thank you. Thank you. And until next week, my babies, we'll go to part four. I'll see you soon.
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This is Rob Gronkowski and Julian Edelman. We invited some familiar friends to hang out with us at the Boston Nut House. Thanks to Duncan, here is a sneak peek at some of the fun.
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Vince will fork Bill.
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Finally, like, look, guys, just stop screwing around.
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We are joined by Matthew Light, ladies and gentlemen.
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Braves.
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You're gonna love him. Will Kimball not into eating hot dogs.
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Having Ernie Adams come and teach a.
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Defense, Being able to play the Wide three technique Tap full episodes of Dudes on Dudes and games with names presented by Duncan. Tune into iHeart podcast or wherever you listen to your podcast. Thanks to Duncan for a great time.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spooky season is quickly approaching, so time to stock up on all your favorite treats now through October 7th. You can get early savings on your Halloween candy favorites when you shop in store and online. Save on items like Hershey's, Reese's Pumpkins, Snickers Miniatures, Tootsie Rolls, Raw Sugar, Milk Chocolate, Caramel, Jacko Lanterns, Brock's Candy Corn Charms, Mini Pops and more. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.