← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. We got a special episode today, y'. All. I'm really excited. It's something that your girl used to fucking do all the time. And you guys ask all the time. Every time I say it, you're like, wait, what is that? We're talking about protest behavior and triggers. We're going to talk kind of both. We have tons of episodes on triggers if you want to go deeper. But we don't really talk about protest behavior in all the attachment styles. This isn't just one. So wherever you are on the spectrum, I got you. I'm so excited, guys, as always, if you need anything, everything is@sabrina zohar.com right here in the show notes. If you want to work one on one, ask a question, join a course, whatever you guys need. We're always doing new things, so join the email list, follow along on the socials. And guys, as always, please don't forget to rate and review the show. It means the world. If you could just leave a heart, leave a comment on something that you listen to, Leave a five star review if you think the show is worth it and share it with a friend because it really does mean the world. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. Ugh. I'm so excited to be back with you guys. All right, life update. Not a ton happening besides the fact that I told you guys that I got my scan back and I'm clear. I'm so grateful. I'm so excited. But you guys, the book has been turned in. That's it. Like, we're on, like, the last step. This is it. So by next year, oh, my God, I'm gonna be an author. I am so over the moon and so grateful and sometimes I have to pinch myself to remember where we started. And actually this morning got to do that. And I got to go down a little trip down memory lane with Clemi, and I was looking at a Photo. And it was. I was just, like, you know, scrolling through and the photo came up of the day that I took him to the vet and found out that he had kidney failure. And a lot of you guys have asked episode 10, if you want to hear about my journey with him and how he changed me. And I remember standing there being so confused because they told me a month prior that his kidneys were perfect. And I understand now, like, if you want to look at it, why it had to happen, right? Like, I don't. I don't ever think I needed to lose Clem, but I understand the journey that I've been on. I understand how all of this culminated and how I had to lose my best friend. And I wish every single day that's not how it had to happen. I wish every single day that me and Mr. Bone were able to be together still, and that you guys would have met him and that you guys would have known him. But that's unfortunately not my reality. And I could have done a lot of things to fight that internally, but instead I had to accept it. And so I understand, you know, every week, like, we've been building on, and that's why these series mean so much to me, is because, one, I get to share a little bit of insight into what I'm going through and what's happening with me, because I'd like to. I. It's interesting. Even before we get into the episode, I'm going to be really fucking raw and vulnerable with you guys, as if I am not before. I have been scared to share things about myself. Not like stories, not dating stuff, personal things, because I've had the same mindset that I did when I started everything of, like, who cares? No one's gonna give a shit about me. No one cares about my health. No one cares about my mental health. No one cares if I'm going through something. You just have to provide. You just have to be there. Dance monkey. And I started to realize, like, that was not sustainable, because, sure, I mean, I can help. I can be there, but there's so much more to me, right? There's so much more to my journey. There's so much more to how I got to where I am. And that's why I. And it's so funny, I was just about to ask permission and say, I hope it's okay from you guys. And I've realized, like, I need to stop asking for permission for that. So I would love to be able to share more things that are going on with me of, like, Alternatives that I find in health that help with my anxiety. This mold detox that, like, I've been scared to open up about because I'm like, no one's gonna care. You don't wanna hear about me and my health. You want me to give you advice. And I'm hoping that we can create a community where we have both, because I genuinely care about you guys. I care about what you're going through and when you find out that you got a job promotion or when your dog passes, or when you unfortunately get the text from the person dating that they're not interested. And so I'd like to be able to share more about me and things that I'm going through. And I hope you guys are in for it. And if not, that's okay, too. I'm just grateful you guys were here. So that's my little quick update is like, I'm trying to step more into me. And I think going through a mold detox has taught me a lot. And Again, I love Dr. Tori. Dr. Tori Thompson. If anybody ever wants to work with her, I pay her. Please know that none of that was gifted. I just really, really want to bring you guys authentic stuff that actually helps because I never thought that I could live a day without feeling so much anxiety in my body. And we have Dr. Sarazall coming on. We're gonna talk about physiology of anxiety. So I really hope you guys are interested and tune in. So today, let's talk about something that's near and dear to me. My babies. Protest behavior and triggers. Like I said, we've talked about triggers. Trigger being a neutral action or inaction that causes a big emotional reaction. Right. And oftentimes. Right. But that's when I say the pinch doesn't match the ouch. But we don't really, really go further into other aspects of protest behavior, triggers, things like that, and what comes after. And so that's why we've been building every single week. And we started with, like, understanding core beliefs, and then the stories that we create and the behavior, catastrophe, rewrite. And then now we go into how does that all manifest and how we show up. And this is also so funny. I was with my client this morning, and I'm sure whenever he listens, I hope he knows it's him. I love him so much. And he said, I've been doing so much work on myself, and I finally met somebody that saw it and acknowledged it. And now I'm having more of my friends acknowledge it. And now I'm seeing my life is Changing. And I'm having different circum. Different relationships and I'm having different experiences and I am finally seeing the fruits of my labor. And I chuckled and I said one thing that people have a misconception on with healing is as if it's just going to be this upward trajectory and you're always going to feel better and you're going to level up and that all of those things of the past go away. But life isn't linear like that, otherwise we would all be in a different place. The truth about healing is not that you one day wake up not feeling anxious. The truth about healing is that you understand how to live with it. You expand your window of tolerance and it's no longer holding onto your life, you have control over yours. Because now when you actually do this work, you start to realize what you genuinely have control over. Not other people not changing your behavior to keep them not morphing and molding to help this person not leave you. You start to realize that when you take up space, when you set boundaries, when you say no, when you do what you need to do for you, that you start to bring different people in your life who respect those aspects of you. And that is when you see your life change, it doesn't happen in these big moments in therapy. It happens in little moments of what choices you make every single day and how the you show up for you. And I was so excited when he said that because I said that's part of it, is that when we first started, you gotta say goodbye to a lot of things, you gotta grieve a lot in endings and. But like a butterfly. Imagine if they watched us in the cocoon the whole time. Then when you come out and you spread your wings, you're a different version. And protest behavior was. I was the poster child of a baby. I was the fucking poster child. You fucking send three texts in a row and you're ever always already like composing the fourth one in your head, even though you know you look desperate or giving the fucking silent treatment and secretly timing how long it takes them to reach out first, as if I haven't done that before. And that's what we're gonna talk about. The self sabotage, the self protection, the shit you do when your nervous system thinks you're being abandoned. Once you see the patterns, it's really hard to unsee them. And that to me is where the change becomes real and very possible. And for me, what really changed my life, I used to exhibit the classic protest behavior. And it's interesting because when I posted this on Insta, so if you guys don't follow along the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta, I do question boxes every, like most solos, unless I already have, you know enough from another. But I do question boxes and I do them for two reasons. One, I take AMAs what you guys ask, even if I don't answer them on there. And I create episodes based on how many people wrote in about certain things. So there is actually a method to the madness of what I do. But second, it really is interesting to see where you guys are. It's really interesting to see what questions you guys have. And when I put on there, I was like, examples of protest behavior might be shutting down, blah, blah, and over texting. I can't tell you how many responses I got of like, wait, over texting as a protest behavior. I didn't know. And it's like, oh, don't worry, I got you, baby. Because that was. I was the Queen of it. Ms. I have sent 173 texts to somebody who didn't want to date me anymore. So why do you do it? When your brain perceives relationship threat, it triggers the fight, fight, freeze, fawn. So you go into disregulation. Then there's something called the behavioral activation system from Gray in 1990. And just side note, I have really been actively trying to find you guys new studies, new data, new things. So even if a title looks familiar and you're like, this has done this before, please know it ain't going to be repeated. Maybe. Obviously isms of me will get repeated. Duh, right? Like I'm a human. It's who I am. But for the most part, I'm really actively trying to find us different studies. And I am hoping you guys are enjoying because it helps me to evolve as well. So behavioral activation system is when you feel disconnected, your brain activates behaviors designed to restore connection. And the thing is that these are maladaptive. They're maladaptive. And they. Some of the examples, right, Excessive contact seeking. So multiple text calls, you're fucking going to their house. Emotional dysregulation, crying, yelling to get attention. Oh, God, I'll tell you a story about that. After withdraw. That pushes rather than protect. So you're constantly pushing people away, right? That might be that because you're like, leave me the fuck alone. God, you're so fucking right. You're doing things intentionally, intentionally to push someone away where they're just like, fine, I'll leave you alone. And testing through conflict rather than Creation or over functioning to earn security. Oh, I used to do all of those. Oh, my God. I used to do all of those. Talk about the texting that we already know. We don't need to go back into that. Ms. 173 text. This episode is sponsored by curlsmith. Growing up, I never really had anybody that taught me how to embrace my curl. And that wasn't until I found curlsmith. Oh, my God. It honestly changed everything. It was the first time a brand really understood not just my curls, but my whole, whole curl journey. I have frizzy, like, outrageous curls. It's not even something that's cute. If I leave them on their own, it's a nightmare. But that's why I'm obsessed with the product that changed my life. It's the weightless air dry cream, because now I can actually let it air dry and my curls look incredible. It's their most loved leave in conditioner. It's super lightweight, but so hydrating. And it's made with hyaluronic acid and Maru Maru butter and Basu oil, so it smooths, detangles, and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy. I love it because it's such an easy, like, grab and go, throw it on my hair and I'm out for the day. I am obsessed. And guys, if you're ready to embrace your natural curls, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we're celebrating curls, and we know it's a curls world, baby. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10 off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. Emotional dysregulation. I'll never forget when I went to go see my dad with my brother. My dad and I got into a huge blowout as we did. And I remember I was in the bathroom and I was crying on the floor. Like, hyperventilating. Crying, crying. Couldn't even, like, feel the pain anymore. And I remember just thinking, like, no one came in. No one came in. And it reminded me of being a baby again, being a kid, and realizing, like, I was doing that because I was hoping someone was gonna notice that I was hurt. I was hoping someone was gonna notice that I was in pain. I was hoping that somebody was going to notice that I needed something and they didn't. And that was my way of trying to reconnect. And then the withdrawing that pushes rather than punishes rather than protects. Oh, my fucking God. I used to push people away by just, like, I'm Fine. Like, why don't you just fucking give me space? Why don't you leave me alone? Like, why don't you go do something all the while. I didn't want that. The testing through conflict. Oh, my God. I mean, over functioning dub, but the testing through conflict. I used to. My big ex, the one that like me, up, up. You guys know I used to get into the like, fine, we should just break up. Fine, then I'm done. I used to say, I'm done. And I'll never forget. His stepdad told him, then show her what that means. And that's not necessarily the behavior, right? You should, like, show her a lesson. Teach her a lesson. Thank you so much. That's an adult move. But nonetheless, I would do that. I would cause tension and issues. That's why sometimes when I say to you guys, like, you're looking for a problem you're causing, you're starting because you want to test to see is this person going to come back? And here's the reality. They're maladaptive because they create the opposite of what you want. Pursuing distance. The more you, like, go after someone, go after someone. That's also why I have to say, we need to look at ourselves. I'm the first person to be like, listen, everybody, take accountability, right? Like, it's not fair of somebody to shut down or to stonewall. But I also know that when I used to text someone 173 times, it wouldn't be a shock that that person wouldn't answer, that they would withdraw. And when you would. The withdrawing creates that abandonment. And then attesting creates the instability. And then people pleasing creates this fake intimacy. And it's just this snowball effect. And it never. It got me further from what I wanted. What I really want is to be seen, heard, and understood. It's the same. You know, I'll give you an example. When I first started the show, I was doing the like, too cool for school girl of like, I'm not asking people for help. No ego, right? That was. And that's okay. Ego's not a bad thing. But that was my ego. And I wasn't asking people to rate and review or any of that. Now and then I was wondering, why was I upset? Like, people aren't reading it. People aren't reviewing. I don't get it. I have no problem asking for what I need now. And here's the reminder yet again, if you haven't rated and reviewed the show, all I ask is, please do that and support her sponsors Please, please, please. But really, just rate review. But how would you guys know what it is that I need? And especially if you're like, oh, I didn't know. That's. Why didn't you just ask? Well, we're learning, right? And that's okay. But that's why I used to push people away. I would cause conflict. I would create out of nowhere. I've done that with Ryan before. I'm not going to lie even sometimes. I remember once he even said to me, he was like, I'm convinced you're looking for a problem. He's like, what did I say? Everything he said. I was like, oh, really? Now I'm looking for a problem. And he was like, sad, babe. He was like, what do you want me to do with this? And it snapped me out all of a sudden. I was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, I' I'm trying to. Cause I think I just needed to know that you cared. Didn't mean he did anything wrong. That was a me thing. So let's talk about the attachment styles and how each one can create very specific maladaptive behaviors you probably already know. Anxious, attachment, protest, escalation. So tons of texting, calling. It's emotional flooding in. Conflicts like, conflicts like, right. The crying and the hyperventilating and the. I can't breathe and I'm not okay, right? And it's just like, I'm so angry. Everything is these big emotions. A lots of reassured starts seeking that becomes exhausting to their partners. That's where I say, like, there's a difference between being like, wow, my partner literally has never said I look pretty. Okay, well, words of affirmation are important to. To some people versus that person literally just told you they'll see you tomorrow and you're freaking out that they don't like you anymore. It's like, we have to. Eventually that person's gonna be like, hey, man. It's actually even wild. Like, I had one of my clients, and he said, I noticed that a girl that I had been out on a date with, he was like, the insecurity was too much for me to handle because, like, every single time, she'd be like, you still like me, right? Like, do you still want to go out? And he like, dude, I. I made plans with you for a day from now, like, the day after tomorrow. We have confirmed twice already. And he was. Every single day, she be like, just want to make sure you're still interested. And it was like, that's a lot. That's a lot for somebody. She's not a lot. Let me preface that. She's not too much or a lot. The behavior sure is though. Big difference. And hypervigilance about relationship threats constantly. Why did you like this? Like, I, you know, I get guys write in. You guys write in all the time. And some of the stuff you say, I'm like, nah, you're just looking for a problem. I'm like, oh, the person said this but not this. And it's like, okay, well, you know, can they be a human or is it. Everything has to perfect. So avoidant emotional shutdown during conflict, which we know, we understand that that is their way when they feel disconnected. So what is protest behavior? It is behavior that's attributed when you feel disconnected from that person. So they might dismiss their partner's need. They might create distance when things get intimate or use logic to avoid feelings, which is my brother. Love him to the moon and back, but that's what he does. And sometimes Ryan, I was like, well, I don't, I don't understand that. And it's like, no, I know you don't understand that because you don't want to get into your feels. You just want to logic your way out of it. And these are also like coping mechanisms. You see why this is like how when you feel a disconnection, everybody shows up differently. Anxious people show up differently than avoiding people. Then we go and disorganize. It's unpredictable. Sometimes they're very loving and then they can be very cold. Right? It's that push, pull that really hot, really cold. Create chaos to feel like they're in control. That was the guy I dated and, and Utah that I talk about all the time. That would just like start stuff because you're like, you just want to make sure that you're controlling that. This, the speed of which this is alternating between chasing and running. That's why I'm also saying, like, it's not like one person is this and the other. I'm like this. It's like this is the trauma is within the attachment style. That's what makes it not just anxious or avoidant. It's what makes it both that fearful. Avoidant. Right. If we're going to go dismissive or fearful. And then the inability to self soothe consistently, which I would say a lot of the attachment styles have. They might have worked in childhood, but they become the poison in your adult relationship. So I want to talk about the four main types of protest behavior. Like actually, what does it look like? So the first one's pursuing, texting, calling over, explaining, chasing. That's why I always say, like, delete the paragraph. Because you're trying so hard to explain yourself to this person, to get them so that they can see your side, so they can understand what you went through, so they know what you're. And it's like, man, who are you trying to explain this to? And for what? Then it's the texting, it's the calling. It's I, I have to get them back. I have to make this. It's like, because you feel there's a disconnection in your body and your nervous system are like, I will literally do anything I can to get them back. Then we have withdrawing, silent treatment, pulling away if they'll pursue. Now notice how like, anxious people can also do this. I used to where I'd be like, okay, fine, I. If I noticed a disconnection, like, I'm not texting them. They need to prove. They have to show me. They need to come and get me. That is protest behavior. Because you feel like there's a. Instead of just talking to them and being like, hey, is everything good? I just wanted it to touch base. You'll test, you'll create the drama to see if they stay. And then what happens? Then what happens when it doesn't, right? Like then when we have the fight, right? And I was her. And again, this isn't about shame and blame. It's about a fucking taking accountability. And then when they leave, you're like, see? Knew it. Confirmation bias. Guys told you they were going to leave me. And you're like, did you actually know? And then the last one's people pleasing over functioning to earn security. And that's where like, then you go into the fawn response of like, I'll do anything I can to keep this person. And also emotional escalation getting bigger with emotions to get attention. That's why I was talking about like the big. The hysterics and the crying and the screaming where it's like, okay, so let's go over the first one, the pursuing, over texting. So the pattern is like, when you feel disconnected, you increase contact to restore the connection. More text, longer explanation. You're trying to fix things through communication with the other person. But let me ask you, when has more ever really helped? The science of it is intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes when they respond positively, which will reinforce the behavior of like, see, look, they didn't leave. And then we have anxiety intolerance. Your nervous system can't handle the uncertainty so it acts to reduce the anxiety and then you have the control illusion. You feel like you're doing something about the problem. Right. See, but I'm trying to get the connection back. I'm trying to communicate with them. Why aren't they listening to me? No, constantly talking doesn't necessarily mean you're communicating. My favorite line in Eternal Sunshine Shine, that doesn't mean that you're communicating with them. That might just mean that you are dumping onto them. You're projecting onto them that you're throwing pasta. I've seen some of the text messages, especially mine in my anxious day where it's like there was no through line. It was just throwing things out. And then you wait to see what sticks. I remember those days where you get one text and you're like seething at that point because you're like, you didn't answer the other ones, but it wasn't necessarily helping. So you guys write in again if you want follow along on the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta and I will pull some of these questions for you. And I do an AMA every Sunday too, so if you guys want to be part of it. This episode is sponsored by Nutrafol. We all know I don't go a day without taking my Nutrafol. I am obsessed. My hair was shedding all over my house. It is such a problem. Even tech guy was like, girl, what is going on? And it wasn't until I started taking neutrophil that I started to see so much change. My hair wasn't thinning. I wasn't shedding as much. I just wasn't having hair issues, which has always been so incredible for me. And as you guys know, my hair is my thing. And I love Nutrafol because they have a proactive approach. So they really target root causes instead of just putting a band aid on it, which we love. And it's clinically tested without compromising sexual performance either. And all you have to do is take four pills daily with a meal. That's it. My favorite is that Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. You can see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding and just three to six months with Nutrafol for a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to nutrafol.com and enter the promo code. Sabrina, you can feel great about what you're putting in your body. Since Nutruful hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF Contents certified the gold standard in third party certifications for supplements. Find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement brand@nutrafol.com spelled n u t P-R-A f o l.com promo code sabrina that's nutrafol.com and the promo code Sabrina. This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. You guys, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I found out I was paying for subscriptions. I completely forgot about. You know how it is. You're on the couch, you join something and you're like, I'm totally going to cancel this. I am going to remember. And I even set a reminder and guess who didn't do it. And I was still getting charged for it every month. And the only reason I was able to find it and take action was because I have Rocket Money. I am obsessed. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. And right now, that's incredibly important so that you can take care of yourself for future you, baby. Always think of future you. I have been so excited to get my savings good and going and to really feel like I'm taking care of the generations to come, myself included. My favorite part, Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million. That's again, $500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Ugh. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com Sabrina today. That's RocketMoney.com Sabrina one more time. Roc.com Sabrina so someone said, how do I stop over texting someone when who's conflict avoidant or discarding me? So the reality here is what's happening is your nervous system is noticing that they're discarding you, right? They're that this person. Well, it's interesting you're saying they're conflict avoidant and discarding you. Slash discarding you. How do we know about all so you know that they're conflict avoidant. How do you also know that they're discarding you? It sounds like, but like here's a reality. It's like you're already saying how do I stop over texting? And it's like here's a harsh reality you might not want to hear here. Maybe they're not conflict avoidant. Maybe they're not just discarding you. Maybe this person can't handle anymore. Maybe this person is like, I'm done. It's always a fight. And it text and then the over texting and then explanation and the dramatics and the hysterics, and it's like, not everybody can handle that now. I'm not saying anybody's right or wrong. Maybe they really are conflict avoidant. Maybe everything has been fine and this just triggered something. Right? I'm playing devil's advocate. I'm giving you multiple different scenarios because I don't know, you know, it's 140 characters or less. So the first thing I need you to do, like, we want to talk about the. How do I stop? I first need you to recognize that you're trying to get certainty from someone who is not offering that certainty. I don't know if they've told you anything prior to this. I don't know if they've set a boundary or if they're just straight up being like, can't handle this. But the reality is, why do you think you guys found each other? You found in them the fact that, like, they're a little bit more distant and aloof and maybe not as vulnerable in. In their emotions. And it's like, ooh, that will trigger any feelings of feeling too much and be like, oh, wow, that's sexy. They're mysterious. They go to you because they're like, wow, she can express herself. She's expressive. She's emotive. That's. I love that. But then the trau trauma and the triggers into flaring each other. So the first thing that we need to do is, like, one, we got to regulate your nervous system, because what's happening is you're trying to seek safety through a dysregulated nervous system. It is not going to help. And what I did, like, I would go for a walk, I would text a friend. Like, I was a big on setting a rule. Like, I get one text response. That's it. If obviously it needs more than that. Maybe two or three total. It depends on what you're saying. But for the most part, it's like. Because the reason I say one text response is because when you're manic, you'll have 8, 80. When you sit down, you've regulated, you're back in your body. You have to remember, no one. You don't owe anybody a response in any specific time frame. And that's something that I think I'm probably gonna get hold out for saying this, but I don't really give a. No one is owed your time and a response, and you are not owed anybody's response in a specific time frame. Some people need time to process. Some people are working, are doing things, are not by their phone. And just because you deem that you deserve a response then doesn't mean that they owe that to you. I'm not saying that within a couple of hours or within a little bit of time that they can say, hey, I will get to you, or hey, I just stepped out of a meeting, or hey, I need a minute to think about this. I will get back to you tomorrow. But you are allowed to put your phone down and say, I'm going to go for a walk right now before I even respond to this person because I want to rip their head off, but instead I'm going to regulate. Then I can come back from a place of choice. That's also why I'm like, stop having this via text. But anyways, here we are. We're going to have these conversations via text, apparently, because here we are. So the next thing is when you want to text, write it in your notes first. But I cannot. I have my breakup text with Ryan in my notes because I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure I was tricking myself. And then I want you to ask yourself, what am I really trying to get from this text? Typically speaking, it's reassurance that comes from you. Because if you're like, well, I want to know that they're still here. Okay, well, me trying to get that validation from them isn't going to change the fact that I'm scared that they might leave me. Is it really about the fact that I need to find out that they're not going to leave, or is it about the fact that I'm uncomfortable with that space in silence? Start to get curious. All right, next question. Is it breadcrumbing if I ask them questions and they don't reciprocate? Kate, it might not necessarily be breadcrumbing because we don't know how. This person. I've met so many people doesn't. Not just men. Right. Women as well that don't ask any questions back. It's kind of wild to me. That doesn't necessarily mean they're breadcrumbing you now. It could mean that it doesn't work for you. That's it. Because then you can stop questioning, asking questions to create the engagement. Then if they don't match that, they don't reciprocate, right? If they don't try to pick back up on it, there's your answer. There's your answer. So I would notice when you're doing that emotional labor and you're trying to overperform to keep it going. And I used to do that with guys because I romantic size, they're in unavailability. I would romanticize and be like, oh, he's just super quiet and mysterious and he. I just need to get that out of it. It's like, no, that person wasn't reciprocating and wasn't that interesting. You don't need to elevate it. You could be in that same level of like, okay, well, if they're not going to ask me any questions and we're just sitting here, it's like, then fine, I've done that to Ryan where I'll be like, how does that feel? And he'll look at me and well. And I'm like, I've asked you seven questions in a row and you haven't asked me one. How does it feel to now sit in silence where you don't feel like someone's getting interested in you? Use the responses as their information, not as a problem to start. And then the last question, how can I stop text bombardment? And over explaining to my boyfriend, well, you're using text to regulate your nervous system instead of actually regulating it. It's kind of back to that question we answered before. I gotta do something for you. Maybe that means taking a couple deep breaths and just asking like, am I texting to connect or to calm my anxiety? If it's anxiety, literally, I want you to do anything else for 10 minutes then. Cause if you do text again, one text per person. What? Per person, per message, but per person in that example. So some common examples here might be that you send multiple texts when they don't respond quickly. You're gonna over explain after conflict or any misunderstanding. You constantly follow up on plans repeatedly because you're scared they're going to forget you're apologizing excessively for normal behavior. Again, before sending any of that, I want you to say, am I sending this to connect or to manage my own anxiety? Okay, second behavior, withdrawing and testing, which I was the queen of. The pattern here is when you feel insecure, you pull away to see if they will pursue you. And if they care, they'll come after you. And if they don't chase it proves he look, I knew it. They don't care. That's why it's like they always come back. All of a sudden we're like, see, that's because they care. And it's like, no. Maybe it's also just because you're easy. Access. Access. Sorry. They don't always come back. So the signs protest through withdrawal. Attachment systems use distance to signal distress. So there's something called a testing theory. People unconsciously test partners to confirm their fears. And then you have self fulfilling prophecy. Withdrawing often pushes away the very people you want to pursue you. And then what ends up happening and then you're a self fulfilling prophecy. So some questions I got. I freeze when get triggered and just cut contact, allowing them to assume whatever they want. How do I stop? Well, your nervous system is going into a freeze mode. And so I'm glad you guys ask these questions because it shows that no one's a bad person. So when you feel the urge to disappear, I need you to maybe even set a timer for 20 minutes and tell them I need some time to process this. Can we talk in 20? I'm literally setting a timer. You don't have to set a timer if you don't want to give somebody a clear wrap of like, I need 30 minutes, I need 20 minutes. Can I call you in an hour? Like, please just give me a minute. Then what are you going to do with that time? Use that time to figure out what you're actually feeling. Not what you think they did wrong or what you think that you are doing wrong. I want you to tap into like, well, what's coming up you for, for me. I'm feeling like I'm not really feeling heard. Okay. It's not about them doing anything wrong. It's. I don't really necessarily feel I. Like I'm heard or I feel like I'm being villainized. I don't feel like you're literally listening to me. Then you come back with that. I felt sad when you said this. Can we talk about it? We have to find ways because the whole thing is, it's when you're disconnected, it's coming back to connection. And again, take the time you need. It might be a day. And then that day turns into half a day and then the half a day turns into an hour and that hour turns into 20 minutes. And then you don't need the time. Ryan and I used to need more time and now we don't. Now we're able to talk about things 5, 10, 10 minutes, right? Like I've gotten upset, I've walked upstairs. 10 minutes later he comes up and you know What? That was me doing protest behavior. I did. I stormed off. I said, fine, it and I stormed off. And he came up and he was like, I felt very abandoned then. And I said, I was like, I was hoping you were going to come after me. I wanted you to come and reassure me. It's very human you're also dealing with. So another question was how to cope with ghosting in silence and avoidance. Well, when someone withdraws, your impulse is going to be to pursue. So the first thing I want you to do is recognize their withdrawal might be their protest behavior. And maybe not even about you. Or maybe it's just that they're not feeling it. They don't know how to deal with conflict. Right. You see how the why doesn't really matter when we intellectualize. You're not actually able to implement. So why me? I don't think you need to figure out the why. Give them the space without it meaning anything about your worth. You don't have to make it mean anything about you. You get to choose that you fill in the blanks. No one came to you and was like, I'm ghosting you by the way, because you're a piece of shit and you're not good enough. Thanks so much. Very rarely is that the case. It's usually because they're like, oh, I don't know, I just wasn't feeling it. Or I'm scared to. I don't know how to say it. I can't tell you how many times people are like, ghosting is easier. And you're like, yo, okay. And now I want you to focus on what you can control your own response. Not trying to manage their emotions. You cannot try to do that. And ways that this starts to look, you go silent after you get feel hurt. I do that all the time. Not responding to texts to see if they care. Canceling plans to test their reaction and be like, are they actually gonna give a shit? Emotional unavailability after intimacy. I want you to start to ask yourself, am I pulling away to protect myself or to get their attention? Doesn't matter where you land. This episode is sponsored by Branch Basics. As you guys know, I'm on my mold journey and I have been getting R of so many products. I am going the non toxic living route and I'm loving it. But you know the swap that most people don't think about your cleaning products. Let me ask you, have you ever gotten a headache after scrubbing the bathroom? That's not just a strong scent, that's actually a red Flag because even those products that look clean or natural often contain ingredients linked to hormone disruption, skin irritation, and respiratory issues. And in the US Cleaning brands aren't even required to list all of their ingredients. This is exactly why I have made the switch and why I am so exc. And that's why three women created Branch Basics, a human safe, plant and mineral based cleaning concentrate that works on just about everything. We use it for literally everything in the house. Like, whether that be cleaning countertops, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the sink. You name it, I'm using this. And I love it because it breaks down to just about $3.25 per bottle. Because when you purchase the starter kit, you get one big bottle of concentrate that makes 13 bottles of cleaner. Sign me up. All right, y', all, head to branch basics.com and use code SABRINA15 for 15% off your starter kit. Again, that's Sabrina. 15 for 15% off your first order of a starter kit. All right, the next one. Emotional escalation and getting bigger. So the pattern here is when feeling unheard or unseen, hey, what is that? Not me or anything. You'll escalate emotionally. Like, you cry harder, you get angry, you become more dramatic to get their attention and care. How many times when it's like, you know, you don't see how sad I am. And it's. It's like they see it, they don't know what to do with it. You don't have to keep convincing everyone around that you're hurt. You're allowed to be hurt. You don't have to convince other people of it. So how it shows up in the different attachment styles. Anxious folks get bigger with emotions. They get more dramatic. Their needs become more visible. Avoidant shut down then explodes when overwhelmed. That's why sometimes you might see the avoidant go like after a while, like pop off. Because then when they get like so overwhelmed, they just freak out. And then the disorganized is unpredictable emotional responses that they can't regulate as consistently. So some of the questions you guys asked, which I like the structure, it's fun. I'm able to give you some knowledge and then some questions. What to do when they get triggered by your protest behaviors. Well, now you're in a trigger cycle. So now we're. You see how it's like trigger and trigger and trigger and trigger. So the first thing, take responsibility for your part without defending it. I realize my behavior triggered you. That wasn't my intention. Then you can. Right. So I realized that when I got really big, that triggered that you got really small and I'm so sorry. That wasn't my intention. I didn't mean to scream. Meet you. Then you can say, what do you need to feel safe? It's really important because you're part. Both of you guys are deserving and worthy of feeling safe. Maybe it's. I realized when I shut down that triggered you to feel abandoned and that wasn't my intention. And then I want you to now commit to using different strategies when you feel that way again. Right. Okay. I'm scared I'm going to sabotage something amazing just because I'm anxious. Help. Well, your fear of sabotage is actually going to cause you to sabotage. That's protection. So the first thing that we want to look at is what are you scared of happening? We have to start to look at and it's like doing what you are. Is this quote unquote, sabotage behavior? How do you think it's trying to protect you? And you might say it's not okay. It's maladaptive. How do you think it's trying to protect you? Well, I act out big cuz I'm scared they're gonna leave me. Okay, so you think that this is how you're going to keep them? Okay, that's okay. And so maybe a way that you can talk to them is like, tell them directly, I really like you and I'm scared that I'm gonna fuck this up. And if they're like, okay, like, I've told that to Ryan, where he even told me that he was like, I'm crazy about you. And he was like, but I'm scared when you really get to know me, you're gonna leave me. And I was like, can you tell me more? And then maybe you can ask for what you need instead of testing them of like, I don't need to wait to see if you're gonna text me. I would love for a daily phone call. Does that work for you? Someone that cares for you and who's right for you can handle the fact that you're a human. But you don't need to start picking fights when feels good because you're like, oh, I want to test this connection. You don't have to create jealousy scenarios of like, oh, that guy thinks I'm attractive. Or you know, I had somebody write him like, or we entered on in the trenches, like baiting someone of being like, they're really pretty, they're really pretty. And then when the person says like, they're pretty, you're like, what? How dare you and it's like, y', all, that's really exhausting. You don't need to bring up past issues that are unrelated to conflict. You always do this. Last week you did this. You're like, what the. What does this have to do with it? And do not make threats to leave to see their reaction. I used to do that all the time. Fine, I'm done. I'll leave, I'll go. And then they're like, okay, see ya. I want you to ask, am I trying to get reassurance or am I trying to create drama that feels like connection? And then let's go into our last one. People pleasing or over functioning. Which we are all been there, done that. When you feel insecure, you become hyper accommodating. So you're going to manage their emotions. You're anticipating their needs. Needs. And you're being perfect to avoid abandonment. Everything is the cool girl, right? I'm the cool girl or guy. So the fawn response, as you guys know, trauma response, where you avoid conflict by being useful. My mama even used to say like she would come and she'd be like, what can I do? I want to be able to give back. And I'm like, how about you just here we don't have to be useful. So in codependency research, taking responsibility for others emotions to feel safe in relationship is codependent. And then we have something called emotional labor. It's over functioning prevents authentic relationship dynamics because it's not balanced. It's not equal one person doing everything. So someone asked. I would like someone that reassures me when I need or when I did a mistake that takes the load off me. Yeah, but you want them to manage your emotional regulation and starting learning to self soothe. I'm sorry, but that's a parent child dynamic instead of a partnership. It is not someone else's job to tell you you did a good job. You're a good girl or boy. You did okay. I'm sorry, but like that's. You need to learn how to emotionally regulate. And that's okay, right? That's why we have the. Well, we have the course, right. By the time this comes out, it's gone. That's why we're gonna have more courses. But the foundation course goes over this. And that's why I have a free guide in the bio and I have episodes on regulation. Like it's a matter of at this point of if you guys are gonna use it. At the end of the day, listening to every podcast isn't what's gonna change this? What's gonna change? This is you making changes in your life and you making choices. We'll start with regulating. Okay, another question. How to communicate. Instead, when you feel you're being too much because of your issues, again, you're trying to manage their perception of you instead of addressing the actual needs. People pleasing makes you feel like you're, like you need to be less. Because also being less authentic. And if somebody, if you're feeling, oh, I'm always too much like that's projecting onto them. You're projecting onto them how you're feeling internally. But you being too much. Let them tell you that. Let this person tell you, hey, what you're asking me is too much. Your request is too much. Talk about it. Hey, are you okay with the way that I'm coming up? Get curious and talk about them. Some examples of this are always being available, even when it's inconvenient. Right? The. You're. This person's like, hey, you up? And you're like, yeah, I'm on my way. And it's like you didn't want to get out of your. And go suppressing your needs to avoid conflict. No, I don't want to say anything. I don't want to be too much. I'll just. It's fine, it's fine. I'll just go. Apologizing for having emotions or managing their mood at the expense of yours. That's what I mean by trying to manage the external so that you don't have to deal with the internal. Am I giving from love or from fear of abandonment? I want you to start to ask that because what happens is we get into this protest behavior cycle that can become quite vicious, and they start to feed on each other. So at first you might feel an insecure, which we all do, but then you try to protest, then you get negative response, then you feel even more secure, then you escalate protest behavior. So maybe an example might be like you feel really disconnected, so you send multiple texts, then they pull away, then you feel even more disconnected, then you send even more texts. Each one, each protest behavior confirms the fear that you were trying to solve. And honestly, like we talked about earlier, with intermittent reinforcement, it becomes an addiction. Cuz sometimes those protest behaviors work. They respond, they chase, they give back. So you'll keep doing it. And that schedule, that reward schedule, makes the behaviors highly addictive. It's like gambling. It truly is like gambling. But at the end of the day, you're not broken. You're speaking a different emotional language than the other person that you're trying to reach. The problem isn't that you have needs and we need to let go of that. It's that you're using strategies from when you were powerless to get your needs met. It's not an issue of having them. But these can backfire. They create what you fear. When you pursue, you create the distance you're trying to close. When you withdraw, you create the abandonment you're trying to avoid. When you test somebody, you create the instability you are trying to eliminate. And when you people please, you create an authenticity. Authenticity that makes love feel fake. You're creating the very thing you're scared of doing. That's why I say self tabitage is really just self protection protest behaviors. They create anxious, kind of needy energy and people can pick up on that. And then they start responding to your energy instead of your actual words and your what you're coming with. The reality here is, baby, the person who's worried about being too much usually isn't giving themselves what they need. You're trying to get what you need from what you won't give. Yourself. Yourself. And I want that to sit in what can you give? So you want to start to break the pattern? Let's go. First thing I want you to do is the pause protocol. I need you to notice the urge to pro that you want to protest before you act on it. Then name the feeling. Right, I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling abandoned. We know, name it to tame it. Then you can start to go, what do I actually need right now? Or right what protest behavior feels more urgent. And then you can choose either direct communication self soothing instead instead of protesting. Maybe you can also share that with your partner instead of protesting. Like I'm feeling disconnected from you. When you're available, I'd love to talk instead of withdrawing from this person. I'm feeling really hurt about earlier. Can we talk about this later when you have time? Instead of testing like I'm feeling really insecure about us. Can you help me understand where we are? And instead of people pleasing, I need to be honest with how I'm feeling. Instead of just being agreeable, like can I share with what's coming up with me? That's really beautiful. When you're really secure, it's not the absence of triggers that's not secure. It's catching yourself faster. It's being able to expand your window of tolerance. It's not perfect you're repairing when you slip into old patterns Hi, I'm a human. I do that too. It's not that you're never insecure. You express your needs directly, but you don't use protest. And I know it can feel really scary and overwhelming and all this, but you, you got this. You got this. Because now where are we going to go? We're going to build into our last episode of the series of how do you actually break free? You understand the whole system. And so now we're going to talk about how do you interrupt it and build something a little bit better, which is kind of what the book is going to be doing, but even more. Even more. That's why I have to be cognizant of my episodes to not cannibalize. But I'd be curious, drop it in the comments. What your protest behavior was. Was it withdrawing? Was it pursuing? Was it testing? Was it people pleasing? Let's normalize this so that we don't feel all like we're just these insecure, damaged, flawed goods. That we are humans, that we are messy, that we are complicated, that we have all of these things going on and that that's totally normal. And okay, you're allowed to because you're a person. And guys, as always, if you need anything, you know, everything's in the link in show notes. You can work one on one, ask a question, dating profile, audit, send in questions or profiles if you want it for free. Done on the show in the trenches@sabrina zoar.com that is just preface. That is not for anything but just sending in for the podcast. If you ask a question, it might be on the podcast but it won't be answered with an email back. And if you guys need anything, I am always here. Everything's@sabrina zohar.com or the Lincoln Show Notes and I'm just grateful for you guys. I am jazzed. I'm stoked to keep it going. We're going to evolve, we're going to grow, going to just keep the party alive. And it's all thanks to you guys. So as always, don't forget, rate, review the show, subscribe, follow along wherever. Come follow us on the socials. Sabrina Zohar on TikTok. If it's still around, the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram or TikTok. And for my LA babes, if you stayed around this long, we're starting to plan a show. So I'm gonna do some live events and I know, I know, I know worldwide, I promise you. I hear you, I hear you. I'm just starting in one city to workshop some material to kind of perfect what it is that I want to do and then take it out. So stay tuned, keep along. If you follow in the email list or the socials, you'll get first access to all of that. And I'm talking like 50 to 100 people, very intimate, very small at first. So really excited. And we're planning all this now, so stay tuned, babes. But I'm just Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to show up every day. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable. And thank you for listening to all the stuff I go through and caring because it really is how we can grow this community and continue to be there for each other. So without further ado, that's not it. So babies, until next time.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway Cough and cold season is coming, so make sure you're prepared and stock up on your family's favorite personal wellness products. Now through October 7th. Shop in store and online for savings on products like Mucinex Kickstart Combo, Zyrtec Allergy Relief Tablets or Liquid Gels, Halls Cough Drops and Mucinex Fast day and night so you and your family are armed in ready for the season ahead. Offer ends October 7th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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