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The Sabrina Zohar Show
165: If You Know Better, Why Isn’t Your Life Changing? | How to Finally Break the Cycle
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Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi babes. Welcome back. This is a very special episode. We went through four episodes, if you guys haven't already. Go back and listen to the last four of understanding your patterns and everything. And now we're going to break the cycle. Now we're going to give you actual studies and tools on how do you break through and start to create lasting change in your life. Because sure, all of these podcasts and therapy sessions and everything, all these big kumbaya moments are beautiful for awareness, but then what the do you do with it? So stick around for the entire episode because we are giving you golden nuggets throughout. And guys, as always, if you need anything, please feel free. Everything's@sabrinazohar.com Link in show notes if you need anything. And without further ado, let's get right the on into it, shall we? Welcome back, babes. I am so excited we're gonna break the cycle today. Well, we're gonna start, right? Because that doesn't mean that you do one thing once and all of a sudden like that's that. But what that does mean is that we are going to try our goddamn damnedest. And the reason I really wanted to kind of culminate with this episode, like first I really wanted to do a self worth series because I think so many of the questions you guys ask are very valid and I think it's really important for us to understand our patterns and different aspects of where did we learn this from, Yada yada. But then what do you do with it? I remember my friend for years being like, you're self aware, but what are you going to do with that? And it's like, well, this is the first step, don't get me wrong. But we want to take it further, take give you some actionable steps and tools. So guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. I'm trying to go through shorter intros so we can get right onto the meat and potatoes and go on into it. But there is some housekeeping of. Please don't forget rate. Review the show if you haven't already. And if you have, thank you, thank you. But babies. And just thank you for being here. Like, I don't think you guys know when you share it with a friend, when you put in a Facebook group, like, when you comment and even just like, hey, loved the episode, or hey, would love an episode on this. Like, there is legitimate, like a little happy dance that I do, but there is an actual impact. And that is the only thing I ask from you guys is just thank you for being here and sticking around and listening. Thank you for sharing with your friends and thank you for speaking with kindness because we are creating a community of safety and that includes how we speak to each other. Like, even on Insta, when someone comments something rude, like, they're gone. That's it. Especially to someone else. Because I don't have the patience. I was bullied all of my life. I was constantly put down and made fun of, and I don't have the patience for that. Because you want to break the cycle, then we need to break that cycle with also what we allow in our lives, not just how we show up as well. So that's just the housekeeping guys. If you need anything, of course you could join the foundation. Course we're gonna have new stuff coming out. Don't worry. Sign up for the email list and you'll be kept up on that. All right, let's get into it. I don't really have too much personal stuff to catch you guys up on because life is just fucking going. Except that I'm getting my last laser. By the time you guys see this, I'm already gonna be post laser. So I'll let you guys know about the next stage of healing. But I am so excited. I just got this new product and I'm so excited to change my life. So I'll update you guys. I promise you I'm gonna use it first and I will try it before I let you know. But we're doing everything we can to avoid the Botox, so let's see how that goes. All right, so we just spent the last four episodes learning about your patterns, and you probably at this point feel like you have a PhD in your own dysfunction now. But knowledge without change is just expensive self awareness. Right? What are we doing with it? And I know, I get it. Some of you guys are frustrated because you can see everything clearly, but you're still doing the same. And so today we're talking about the science and of actually changing, not just understanding and why. Your brain is literally designed to keep you stuck. Okay? That's really important because the change resistance mechanisms your brain uses, why motivation fails, and what actually creates lasting transformation. And you know me, I love understanding the science of it. And I want to make sure too, that we don't get too in the weeds of like, the why, why, why. Because understanding the why doesn't necessarily mean you're going to change and show up any differently. And that's kind of like this episode culminates what me and Britt and Masha and every therapist and expert that we have had come on say, and that is that the therapy and the sessions and all of those, those are all great. Those are all beautiful. We love the awareness. Coming back home to yourself, understanding your body. Yes, yes, Go team. All day. But I think that there's a misconception that doing this healing work means that then it just automatically just changes as you go along. You have to make conscious choices every single day that you show up. You are choosing how you show up. You have in the past. It just was maladaptive. So now we're gonna talk about, like, what does that actually mean? I know for me, with my journey, yeah, my self awareness was great, but I was still repeating the same patterns because I was by. I was intellectualizing everything and trying to go, okay, but I understand it. Why don't I feel differently? But I wasn't feeling. I wasn't allowing myself to come back into my body. And I wanted to show that the resistance. We have something called the homeostatic threat. So you guys know homeostasis, right? That's like not anything new. And so homeostasis is your body and your brain. You're trying to find a place of equilibrium, right? I'm coming back to homeostasis to balance. But when you try to change established patterns, your brain is also interpreting that as a threat to stability and activates the resistance mechanisms. That's why you might know better, but you still do it anyways. There's different reasons for that depending on the age, Right? When you're in college and high school, you know things are bad, but you do it anyways. You don't have the ability to get your prefrontal cortex as easily and quickly, and that part of your brain isn't fully developed. So that's why you might know drinking and driving is bad, but you still do it anyways. Not. I hope not. I really hope not. But you know what I'm saying, people do it anyways. And so you guys had asked. Sometimes it feels like I drop back into them without realizing, why does this happen? And I think when she meant them, she meant going back into her old coping mechanisms. And that's because your brain is trying to get back to homeostasis. It's pulling you back to familiar patterns because those are normal. That's the normal function that you have even when normal is dysfunctional. But that's because it's what we were taught and that happens automatically and honestly, very much below the conscious awareness. It's not that you're doing this on purpose. You're not like understanding it, being like, I'm choosing differently anyways. It's because there's different parts of our brain that get activated and we're going to go into this, but it's below conscious awareness. So you're not doing this consciously to fall back in. It's the same as like when we talk about like I can't stand avoidance. And it's like, do you think a lot of these people do this automatically? Let me ask you, do you get super anxious and protest and do all this now that we know what that means? Do you do that because you just don't care enough? Or do you do that because you're like, I don't know what's going on. I go back to default. Your brain is exhausted. We've talked about that a million times over on different episodes and things like that. But your brain is going to go towards shortcuts. So that doesn't change now and then we have something called the psychological immune system. Because like your body has an immune system that fights off foreign invaders. Your psyche has an immune system that fights off new behaviors, new ideas and patterns that threaten your existing self concept. So the more you try to act secure and confident and boundaried when your self concept allows, your psychological immune system creates a thought like, this isn't me, I'm being fake. This isn't going to last because it's different. And then of course, cognitive bias, right? Cognitive conservatism bias. People require significantly more evidence to change existing behaviors than to form new ones. That's why believing I attract toxic people. I'm too much. Your brain needs overwhelming evidence to change that. So if you feel like you're too needy, your brain is going to notice every single time someone is annoyed by your needs as confirmation. But it dismisses the times when People happily meet your needs as expectations, but dismiss times when people happily meet your needs as, oh, it's just an exception. They're just being nice. We have had that. I know, guys, don't bullshit me. We have all been there where when you're used to something like, oh, they just feel bad for me. And it's like, okay. Because our brain goes to the default more. Again, we talked about it with the tiger. If you were thinking that there's something that's going to kill you outside of your window, it's probably going to take you a minute before you start to react as if it's not. Because you're trying to come at this as to protect yourself. And there's something called the identity protective mechanism. So new research, I love this. People process information in ways that conform to their social identity and groove affiliation. So if being the anxious one or the hot mess or the one that attracts chaos as part of your identity, then changing that is a threat to sense of self. Because one of you guys had asked. It's hard to commit to change when I don't know what it will work. It feels like wasting time. No, baby, at that point, that's that identity crisis. That's because you feel like you're wasting time because you don't know what's going to work. So you need certainty in order to change, in order to see. It's like, no, because when you start to change the way you and like start to act differently, there's something called. That research is called identity foreclosure anxiety. So that fear that changing your patterns means losing yourself, this is why change feels like a death to your psyche. Because your brain is like, no, going to die if I do this. That's why you're like, oh, this is a waste of my time. I don't know that this is going to work. Right. I mean that I totally understand. But that doesn't mean that we continue to do that. That just means that there's something that your brain is doing because you're trying to maintain the behavior that you have always had. Again, if you see yourself as I'm someone who gives too much, then you're going to continue to over give to maintain that identity even when you know it's harmful. Yes, that is very fucking real. And I know I used to do that. That's why I always start to say, like, don't call yourself the anxious one. Don't start doing that. Because when you start to, when you're known as the anxious one, but then your Brain contradicts your social identity. So you're going to start to feel that stress similar to a physical threat. That's why your brain, when I keep saying, stop talking shit to yourself, the more shit you talk to yourself, the more your brain is going to fudge and believe it. Because your brain cannot understand the difference between is this a real threat or is this a physiological stress? It doesn't know the difference. And so the more you sit there and say, I'm a fucking loser, I'm too much, there's something wrong with me, this is never gonna work. Your brain's like, oh, okay, so I need to go find proof of that. This episode is sponsored by Headspace. Have you ever had this conversation? Let's say hypothetically, somebody says, so how are you? And you're like, I'm good. How are you? But when I say I'm good, I genuinely wanna mean it. And that's why I've been using Headspace. You guys know I'm huge on meditation, on mindfulness, on your breath, every aspect. And I love that. Headspace combines scientifically proven of meditation and mindfulness with modern practices. And you learn from experienced meditation teachers. The app is so customized. I loved it. Personalized approaches to help you navigate through all of life's moments, big or small. Meditation truly saved me. It helped me to understand my mind to body connection. It helped me to tap into my breath. It helped me to understand my body. Because a lot of the healing work that we talk about is so feeling it. And it's important to figure out how and what tools you can use in order to feel. And I love. I just love meditating more than anything and I cannot recommend it enough. Guys. Feel good and mean it when you say it. For a limited time, get headspace free for 60 days. Go to headspace.com Sabrina that's h e a d s p a c e dot com Sabrina to unlock all of headspace free for 60 days. You heard me right, baby. 60 days again. Headspace.com Sabrina and it's not just about motivation. That's like kind of the myth. That's like the next kind of topic I wanted to get into. The more you wait, right? That's like the. I will only be successful if this, then this. If I lose 20 pounds, then I'll find the person for me. So you're looking at something that's not realistic and that's kind of also. But going back into like micro yeses. But when we think of motivation, it's not. That's also Why I hate if he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to, he would is contingent upon that. Well, they must not want it bad enough, so they must not be motivated enough to need something, to want something, to go do thing. But there's something also called the action based model of dissonance. So contrary to your popular belief, motivation doesn't create action. Action creates motivation. So when you act differently, your brain changes your self concept to match your behavior, which then motivates more of that behavior. So it's not just about I want something, it's about actually doing action that then gets you to the end result. That's why confidence isn't built because you know it's going to work. Confidence is built after you've tried it and you see it works. So there's actually something called the Benjamin Franklin effect, which I actually thought that was really interesting and funny. But it's something from Jecker and Landy in 1969 if you want to look these studies up. So people like others more after doing favors to them, not before. So this shows that behavior drives feelings and attitudes, not the other way around. That's why, I mean, you don't need to feel motivated to change, you need to change to feel motivated. Because when you guys had asked, I logically know what to do. But struggle with action, especially when deep in those high emotions. Well, baby, that's the timing problem. You're waiting to feel ready and motivated, strong enough to change. But these feelings come after behavioral changes, not before. So you're essentially waiting for something that can only exist after you start. And that's why you're constantly feeling like stuck back in there. Of like, I'm struggling, I'm struggling. It's like I don't change because I'm not motivated. Because when I go to the gym, I feel better. I go to the gym. And then after I'm motivated to keep doing it. I didn't start to change the way I dated because it felt really good to do that. It was fucking terrifying. But I knew that the things were going to come after I made a choice. Now we go into something called the behavioral activation research. So in depression treatment, researchers found that changing behavior first, then feelings follow, is more effective than trying to feeling change the feelings first. And that also applies to relationships. That's the same thing. If you are committing to small things, right? Every single day I want to go for a walk. So instead of shaming myself and blaming myself for the fact that I didn't, maybe what I'm going to do Instead is I'm going to put my socks by the door. Then the next day I might put a shoe on. Because if you're trying to overhaul your entire life, especially your dating life, then commit to one small thing. It's not going to fix everything. It will start shifting your identity from someone who just accepts bad treatment to a person who advocates for themselves. And maybe that starts with something really, really small of like when you go out and get a coffee instead of saying, oh, I'll just take what I can get, Whatever, they just gave it to me and it's not hot enough. Saying, no, I'm gonna speak up. Or somebody cuts you off and I'm gonna say, that's not okay. Doesn't mean I have to do anything. But it's small, incremental moments. Because what you're saying is, deserve to stand up for myself. Like that felt safe. I didn't get yelled at. I didn't get abandoned. I didn't get it left. I'm going to try this. So one of you guys that ask, I sit in the discomfort and name it, think I'm regulated. Then I go back to ruminating. So what's actually happening is you're trying to use the cognitive strategies of like naming and recognizing to change emotional states. But emotions, often, more times than not, drive cognition, than cognition drive emotions. So you can know you're ruminating, but also not be able to stop ruminating. And here's the fun part of the study. It takes the average person 6 hours to fully recover from an emotional hijack. That's why it takes a minute. So during this time, your thinking is still influenced by stress hormones and emotional activation. This is why you can feel regulated, but you're still in your loops. And so what I would suggest is I would not do anything specific in that moment. This episode is sponsored by im8. I've been feeling a little off, babes. Just tired. I'm not really focusing and I know I'm not getting the nutrients I need. Let's be honest, I'm juggling so much, including my supplements. And that's why I'm obsessed with iM8. So iM8's daily ultimate essentials. Truly, it's my go to because it has the benefits of 16 different supplements and one tasty drink. So the drink is loaded with 92 nutrient rich ingredients such as vitamins, minerals, adaptogens, CoQ10, MSM, and pre, pro and postbiotics. So truly is designed to help you feel good from the inside out. My favorite part is that they use effective ingredients and back them with research. 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My mama always says, when you don't know what to do, don't do anything at all. That's why it's important to say, hey, I'm gonna need a few hours. Hey, let me talk to you about this tomorrow because you might be really activated and oftentimes it's a protective mechanism. Oh, no, I'm regulated. I'm, I'm still, I'm conscious and I'm aware I'm here right now. And that's actually a protective mechanism because you're not. You think you're super regulated, but then I would ask, like, where do I feel this in my body? All right. There's also something called the mood congruent memory effect. So when you're in a particular emotional state, high, super anxious, really sad, ruminating, spiraling, you preferentially recall memories that match that state. When you're anxious about someone, you remember all the times they disappeared more vividly than you have the ones that show up. That's why in those big moments, it feels like it's the end. This is why you can have the same fight with your brain over and over again. Each time you get triggered, your brain serves up some new, fresh, hot off the press evidence. And the same memories, the same interpretations. It makes it feel like you're discovering new problems, but you're actually just recycling the old ones. And that's why it's really important to come back into the present moment of like, wait a minute, what facts do I have to back this up? We see this all the time when people, you always do this. You never do this. That's why those are not fair fighting words. Because it's not always and never. It's not. And we have to be also cognizant and aware that environments are going. People, places and things. Someone asks, I keep attracting the same people who fucking trigger me. Well, because you're in an environmental pattern, you're not consciously choosing these people. And I get it, but maybe it's how you're choosing them. The types of social circles, the places that you're going, the dating apps that you're using, those are typically cues to people that are matching the learned patterns and behaviors. And that's a feedback loop. People are going to look to others behavior to determine appropriate actions, especially in ambiguous situations. So if you're surrounding yourself by. That's why I always say, look at your friends, go back and tell me all these people that you accept dating app advice from, or all these people that you're on Tick Tock and you're scrolling and you're looking at all this stuff and you accept it. I want you to go and tell me, what's their relationship like? You have no problem taking advice from all these people, but yet would you switch places with them? Are these people that you're like, oh, Yeah, I would, 1,000%. You've been where I'm at. You did the work. Look how far you've come. I 1000% would trade your life. I will take your advice, but instead, you're taking the advice. I had a client who said that my roommate told me I was being too much. And I said, really? Tell me how your roommate's relationship is. Oh, he's super avoidant. Doesn't have any relationships. He's terrified of commitment. Well, then no wonder they're telling you it's too much. So then stop surrounding yourself with people that are only going to reaffirm your deepest, darkest and cre. Really shitty stuff that you were trying to reaffirm. Because eventually, like, I had to change. I had to change the people I was hanging out with because I was hanging out with a bunch of other girls that were doing the same as me. We were all in the same place. And instead, I wanted to be around people that were elevating themselves, that were doing different things. And that's why my life changed. People, places, and things also need to change. It's part of addiction. That doesn't mean you run away. You run. You go to Italy tomorrow, your problems are going to be in Italy. Italy. So I saw the SNL thing. Your problems are still going to be there, but it's about. Okay, well, then what environment am I in that are not cultivating the person I'm trying to become? That's a really important question I want you to ask yourself. This episode is sponsored by Kornbread. I am a huge CBD fan. I discovered CBD years ago, and I lived in New York, and it was, like, all the rage. And I started using it, and I loved it, and Until I found cornbread because the quality of their CBD is far superior than anybody else. But I absolutely love it. I love it so much. We got Kobe the petsie cbd, and we put that in there anytime we're gonna leave for the night. And it helps him so much. He has so much separation anxiety, and it's so, so beneficial. But I love their CBD gummies. The watermelon, the berry, the peach, all of them are so good. Ryan and I fight over them because he's so obsessed. We've already gone through our nighttime ones real quick, and I love them because they're a natural way to relieve aches and discomfort. And the CBD gummies from Cornbread Hemp are formulated to work with your body, baby, not against it. Right now, the Sabrina Zohar show listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com SabrinA and use code Sabrina. I had to stop. I had to. That's part of the friendship episode. If you guys didn't listen, I would. That was part of it for me. I had to break up with a friend that just wasn't healthy. And she kept bringing me back. She kept doing the same stuff. And I finally was like, this isn't working for me because now I'm just taking your advice. And then we're both keeping ourselves on the same and it's not working. Cuz there's something called mirror neurons. We talked about that on Sabrina's episode. But mirror neuron system. So your brain contains neurons that fire both when you perform an action and when you observe other people performing the same action. So you absorb the emotional behavioral patterns that with people that you spend time with. That's why Grandma Hel has always said, show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. Because you wonder why you keep repeating the same and the same stuff. It's because you're not changing anything about your life. Because nothing changes if nothing changes. So then we have something called the chameleon effect. That's very real. People unconsciously mimic the behaviors, emotions, and even the values of those who they interact with regularly. So if you're dating somebody with poor emotional regulation, your own regulation will deteriorate through unconscious mimics. Is when you guys asked, how do I stop choosing the same, the wrong same people or the same wrong people? You're drawn to people whose mirror neurons match your patterns. So if you learned about anxious attachment, your mirror neurons will recognize and feel comfortable with others who have anxious or avoidant patterns because of the neural firing patterns. That's also why healthy equals boring. Or why you're like, I don't feel chemistry with safe people. Your mirror neuron system isn't recognizing the familiar pattern, so there is an automatic resonance. Want the solution? I need you to deliberately spend time with people who have the relationship patterns you want to develop. Your mirror neurons will start absorbing these patterns unconsciously, making them feel more natural over time. And that's why I'm saying you guys have to. It's not just a detox of like, okay, fuck these bad people. What is the content you're ingesting? What are the shows that you're watching? What are the dating coaches that you're listening to? Sparkle. Sparkle people. These people that are setting you up for unrealistic expectations start to notice who you surround yourself with. This is a big aspect too. Because there is a bit of a cognitive dissonance, you guys. You say, I want a relationship and I want all of these things. But you know what tells me you're full of in the choices that you make, you can say, I want all of these things. Okay, we're really so for everybody again goes back to if they wanted to, they would. So then you must not want it bad enough. Oh, but you're going to tell me. But Sabrina, that's not it. Of course I want it really bad. Oh, so it has nothing to do with want. It has to do with band or with what are you choosing every day? I'm being very real. You want to know, right? We know about like repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is a Freudian thing. And it's like we're going to unconsciously recreate traumatic or wounding experiences in an attempt to gain mastery over them. That way. I feel like, oh, well, if I always date narcissistic people, this time I'm going to get it right. This time it's going to be different. And what ends up happening, it's going to consistently repeat. And here's actually an interesting. So people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed one. So that's why unresolved relationship wounds create an open loop in your psyche that keeps seeking completion. Again, you're drawn to similar people because your brain thinks, this time I'm going to be able to heal the original wound. And whenever you guys ask, how do I stop going back to men who aren't good for me? Well, we need to start to one understand. Okay, so you're so conscious and aware that they're not good for you, but how familiar do they feel? So are they reaffirming your core beliefs that you are going to need to prove yourself? Are they giving you intermittent reinforcement? Because that's the same brain chemistry as gambling. It's the unpredictability. Maybe one minute they're good and then they're not. Okay, so are we on a hit for our validation? Is this fucking Stockholm syndrome? Is it that this person has fucking power over your emotional well being and they occasionally use that power kindly so that you have these positive feelings toward them? This is survival. What are you doing? And how are you showing up? Because that's kind of what I really need you guys to take stock here. What's my part? And I see that often, I don't think that this has anything to do with any of you guys being good or bad people. I think a lot of the questions that you guys Asked in and wrote in are a lot about your nervous system. What are you doing to regulate? What are you doing to come back home to yourself? What are you doing in those moments? Right? Like I remember when I was dating and I would get really triggered by somebody and instead of popping off and going up, right, that was my baseline. My baseline was to do what I always did. So I had the awareness. I had the awareness to say, okay, I don't want to act in that way way fine. So that's the first thing I did was to defuse. I first acknowledged, okay, I'm not in my right state right now that I can acknowledge. Then the next thing I would do is, okay, maybe I need to do I need to go for a walk. What do I need to do to move through this energy? Is it. I'm feeling really anxious. Okay, I'm going to go for a five minute walk and then I'm going to come back already off the bat. You're making choices for yourself. You're making small little micro movements. Then I might come back and say, okay, you know what I don't need right now? My. But you know what I do need right now? I need to understand what's coming up for me. Okay, where do I feel this in my body? I feel like I'm about to explode. Okay, what happens if I do explode, right? Like actually give in to some of these aspects of. Well, if I explode, like then I'm going to lose my shit. Okay, and if I lose my shit, what is it? Is it that I'm more upset with myself? That if I don't have emotional regulation. Oh, okay, so then how can I start to act in different ways? Maybe you co regulate, maybe you call a friend, maybe you call your mom, maybe you call your sibling, maybe you call somebody that just that you can just say, hey, I'm really overwhelmed right now and I don't want to make a decision that I know isn't going to serve me me. One of the biggest things you can do for yourself especially, especially if you are somebody that loses your or gets really, really anxious. Learn to put a pause. The power of the pause is going to change your life. This isn't about just about willpower. This isn't just. No, this is about your nervous system needing space. Your brain is going to go to your amygdala much quicker than it will your prefrontal cortex. That space that you give yourself is going to give you a minute to stop and say, say, whoa, I'm here right now. Whoa, I would like to strangle this person, But I don't think I'm seeing it clearly. Just even that's the thing. And I get it. I know you guys are frustrated and you're like, I want to see the change. The change happens incrementally. I want you right now. Everyone that's listening, think back on a year ago. Are you the same person? So you're handling things the exact same. No, you're not. You're handling things differently because you're allowing yourself to grow and change. And so it's going to take a minute. But there's also something. So there's the trans. Theoretical model. Model. And this I found really interesting. Lasting change requires matching interventions to your current state of readiness. And that's why most people fail. They try to use action stage tools, right? Behavior change when you're still in the contemplation stage thinking about change. And so that's why I'm saying, then maybe we make really strategic success and set yourself up for success, right? So if I do this, then I'll do this. So if I take a moment to regulate, then I'll be able to handle situations differently. And there is actually a scientific study that shows that those people that do, like, if, then like that, not if I lose ten pounds, then I'll be loved by other people. Because that's out of your control. You are two to three more times likely to follow through on goals. And those who just make general, like, I just want to feel better. But we have to. It's about the emotional state, not the situation. That's why, I mean, like, not if I do. If I go for a walk, then I can handle this in a different way. Right, Got it. And someone asks, how do you work on breaking a pattern when the trigger doesn't occur that often? Well, you can't wait for triggers to practice new responses. You have to build those neural pathways when you're calm, so they're available when you're activated. So again, that might be something small as, like, I need to think about this in something low stakes, right? Maybe it's a store sale. Maybe it's a social invitation you're unsure of, right? So the response is automatic. When someone pressures you to do something in a relationship that you don't necessarily feel comfortable with, that's where we start to show those really small little yeses, right? Even just those micro moments of saying, saying, I'll get back to you tonight. Maybe you think about it later and your answer's still yes. But you gave yourself the choice. And that's where I go with a lot of my anxious babies, right? This whole of like, well, they're by their phone 24 7. They didn't text me. Not everybody responds within seconds like you. Not everybody has the same anxiety that they're scared that if the other person they're going to be forgotten, they're not going to be remembered and that they're desperate to hold a connection. For some people, taking a minute is really important and that doesn't mean that anyone's doing it right or wrong. But maybe what that means is we can learn from other people that if you don't know right this moment, that doesn't mean you're right or wrong wrong. That maybe we can take a second to breathe, to come back to the present moment and say, whoa, maybe that person needs a minute. Maybe my lived experience isn't everybody else's and that is okay. That will take away the pressure of everything having to be immediate. And then we can start to say, what are some other thoughts I have about this? What are maybe some other contrary beliefs? Do you see what I mean? I think I wanted to debunk that the healing doesn't mean that all of a sudden it's all going to be in one moment and that you're like, this is how you change. Change? No, to change patterns, you not only need to be repeating those practices of new responses, but also emotional significance attached to the change. So how do you actually do that? Connect to change your deepest values, not just the bucking goals. Start to visualize the long term cost of staying stuck and where you are in very visceral detail. I want you to create accountability with people whose opinions matter to you so that they can help you. I'm here for you. Document your progress so you can see the evidence of change of like last year I used to freak out when someone didn't answer me. Now Now I take 15 to 20 minutes to regulate and I'm able to handle this differently. Can we celebrate? But the reason I wanted to debunk a lot of this is because I want to take away the stigma. That healing means that you're never going to feel this Healing means that you're going to just always be on the up and up. Healing is not linear. You heal so that you learn to live with this. You expand your window of tolerance so these situations don't impact you as heavily, but you don't heal to get rid of it. And if you think you're going to get rid of these emotions and Feelings. That's like trying to get rid of part of you. Let me know how that works for you. You're just going to be stuck in these loops and you're going to wonder why you're not feel any better, but you're not trying to feel. And so we have to be really, really aware and strategic about how we're doing this. So who are you ingesting content from? Who are you spending time with? What is the narratives that you're creating? What stories have you started to accept? You really want to change, start to look at in between? I have some amazing sh. Sessions with clients. I have some sessions that are amazing. That's not what changes my clients. What changes my clients is the awareness of, oh, that's where I learned it from. Okay, what are my choices? What can I do differently this time? Otherwise then we would all read a book and be going out in the world being like, I know what do. But that's not how you have lasting change. And I wanted to just be clear and upfront about that so that you guys don't misunderstand or misinterpret or get feel down like you're not on this journey or you're not doing it right. You are. But in order to really break habits and patterns, we have to then interject new ones. And that means staying consistent. I don't have a six pack because I went to the gym once. I did that because every day I make choices. Every day when I met Ryan, I made choices to regulate my nervous system to not freak the out because he didn't text me to be in the present God goddamn moment. And I didn't get mad at myself because I didn't do it. You're allowed to be a human. That doesn't mean you need to be perfect. So let me remind you of that. I don't need perfection. I just want progress. And even if you take five seconds before you respond to someone, that is growth. And you should be very proud of yourself. So you really want to do this? I gave you some science. I gave you the why. Right? That's why I load the up with science. Because I really want to give you the studies of. Okay, well, you're asking why. I'm giving you the why. Oh, oh, oh, wait. The why still didn't make you feel better? Well, it's time for us to feel, babies. What are you scared of feeling? And what have you created this narrative about yourself? What parts of you need you? Because maybe you learned that somewhere along the lines that shaming and blaming yourself was going to motivate you. But baby action will. When you go on a date with somebody and you leave going, oh, I don't need them to call me for me to feel good, that's actually really big progress. Or I'm making a choice that this doesn't work for me. Just because you haven't found your person and all of a sudden you're this ethereal, healthy fucking unicorn and secure per doesn't mean you haven't made progress. Stop comparing yourself. Comparison's the thief of joy. And I had to do that. I had to mute people on social that I was comparing myself to. They didn't do anything to me, but that was what I could control. If I continue to put myself in the same environments, then I can't be shocked if I'm gonna have the same results. So, guys, I hope that that was helpful a little bit. I hope that I was able to give you a little. Now the book is coming out next year, which is all about this, so I couldn't go too crazy into redoing patterns because then you won't read the book. But I want you guys to know that breaking these patterns and really learning how to, like, reframe and rewire take takes time. It takes repetition, it takes action, and it takes. That's what motivates you. You don't get motivated. Like, do you think I was motivated to start this career because I was like, oh, I'm gonna make millions? No, I haven't yet. Just in case anyone's asking, I was motivated by action, by. I made a video. And then I was like, well, that did well, okay, let's do another. Let's do another. And then ones that didn't. Okay, I'm motivated to do it again. Let's try. There are different things that you could do. What's in your control? What are your choices? So I want you to remember that, and you notice how a lot of it you might be thinking going, because, Sabrina, you're getting repetitive. You say the same shit all the time. Yeah, I know. Because it's about repetition. It's not always about something new. Because the spoiler alert is, this is what the work is. And I get it. It's not fun, it's not sexy, it's not glamorous, it's kind of boring, and it's really unfamiliar, but that's why you do it. And I'm really proud of you. So, guys, as always, if you need anything, don't forget, rate, review the show. Leave a comment. Like I said, just leave an emoji. It doesn't really matter. Let me know if you guys want more. If you have specific questions that weren't answered, I can always ask those them in the trenches. If you guys want to write in in the trenches@sabrina zoar.com that send us your screenshots, your stories, your profiles, whatever you guys need. And if that, if you don't want it public, you can purchase a question. You can work one on one. You could buy a profile audit. You could join the course. We have new stuff coming out by this point. The other courses are gone. So you just have the foundation court just. I mean it's more than enough. But the other ones are dunzo for now. But we have new stuff coming out and as always, guys, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for following along. Thank you for tuning in, thank you for being part of the conversations and thank you for actually trying and trying show up differently because that is what's gonna cause the change. It's not that you're stuck in the same stuff and it's like, okay, baby, you see that you're stuck in a pattern, then let's start to ask, what are my choices? All right, babies, until next time. Love you, honeys. And maybe answer that. Answer that in the comments. What are your choices? Let's celebrate this together. All right, babes, I'll see you soon.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this fall, take care of the little ones in the family with baby club Savings now through November 4th. Spend $25 on select Baby Club products and save $5. Shop for items like Pediasure bottles, Pedialyte powder packs, Huggies baby wipes, Huggies diapers, Gerber puffs and Gerber pouches. And save $5 when you buy $25 or more on participating products. Offer ends November 4th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. It's Cybersecurity Awareness Month. LifeLock is here with tips to help protect your identity. Use strong passwords, set up mult report scams and update your software. And for comprehensive identity protection, LifeLock is your best choice. LifeLock alerts you to suspicious uses of your personal information and fixes. Identity theft, guaranteed or your money back. Start your protection today with a 30 day free trial@lifelock.com. use promo code. News terms apply.
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