← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Hello, hello, Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, my babies. Welcome back to Boness episode. We're in the trenches. Makeup is on. Let's do it. We're gonna get down to it. I got questions. I got maybe a profile. We're gonna get to and I'm gonna answer your. Now don't forget, if you guys want me to answer your questions, email inthetrenchesabrinazohar.com and we can feature you and help you guys. And guys, as always, please don't forget rate, review the show, share it with a friend, leave a comment, whatever you guys need, and please speak with kindness. I reviews and I'm here to have a conversation with you guys, but we gotta speak with respect, so don't forget. All right, babies, without further ado, let's just get right the on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. Welcome back to another week. Okay, I'm excited. I love doing in the trenches with you guys. I like answering questions. I like helping you guys in a different light in a different environment. So as always, guys, like I said, email us in. I can only do this show if y' all email it now. If you want a private question answered, you know, I got that too. Everything's@sabrina zohar.com. you can work one on one. You could join the foundation course. And you guys are going to get the heads up that in two weeks a new master class is coming out. So you guys will hear about that soon. But I'm excited. So we got some newness, y'. All. I'm excited. I love growth. I love seeing where we can go, where can we take the show? And I'm just stoked and I'm so grateful for you guys. So I'll give you if there's any updates on me. I've been struggling myself, y'. All. I've been having this anxiety even around friendships and texting. Like, this doesn't ever go away. You just learn how to live with it. You learn how to support yourself. You learn the tools. So I just wanted to clarify that. But, like, I've had my own. I'm trying to figure out my health. I'm still trying to understand, like, what's coming up for me. And I share this so that you guys realize you're not alone again. Just because I'm not in the dating world doesn't mean that these issues don't take place in other parts of your life. And a lot of you guys, the stuff you guys write in, like, my heart breaks when I read it because I was you. I was talking to my client this morning, and I was like, I know this narrative. I know this song and dance because I used to do it. I used to freak out. I used to hyperventilate. I used to hyper fixate. I used to be in that world. And I'm not saying that it ever just, like, poof goes away, but once you invest in yourself and you actually really start to, like, show up for yourself, I swear your life will change. Like, my life is changing because of the people I'm meeting and the people that I'm coming in into contact with because of the person I'm becoming, not because anything has miraculously changed. So it's just a reminder to keep fucking going. Because without your light, it gets really fucking dark out there in the world. And we need conversation. We need to talk. We need to express ourselves. So please know that this is a safe space and I'm here for you guys. And like I said, if you need anything, you check it all out. And my last announcement, before I get into questions, y' all like to comment about the ads. I've never changed the ads. I've never changed the ad load. It has been the same since day one. I started this podcast and started taking ads, and I actually have about 40% less ads ads than most shows. I get it. If it's not ideal, pay four bucks a month, you can get ad free. And if you don't like that, that's okay. This is a free resource, so you can also just not watch. But to say, too many ads, I don't like it. It's like, I get it. But this is also something that I'm doing with you guys. And so I just hope that you understand that this is also a business and that part of it is that these ads are really incredible. And I love our sponsors and I love our brand. So please support if you can and if not, that's cool too. But if you want, you can subscribe@sabrina zohar.com. just want you guys to know it's an option if you need it. All right, let's get in the trenches. Okay. Hey, Sabrina, I'm in a pickle and I need your help. Well, baby, I got you. I've been listening to your show for a while now and it's really helped me realize a lot about myself. So thank you for what you do. Okay. I've been seeing a guy I know from volunteer activism circles for about six weeks. We hang out pretty regularly, one to two times a week unless there was a schedule conflict. But it's probably been around 10 times. So many that I've lost track. Okay. It's always been fun and flirty. We laugh a lot, but neither of us have made a move. Last time we did pass a movie theater and he suggested we see a movie and I said it'll be a date. I don't know though. I don't really want to watch the movies. Baseballs. But that's the most direct discussion of what we're doing. He's a great guy in therapy. Successful morals and politics are all in the right place for me. The thing is that he's also going through a divorce. Been separated for a year, but finalizing things now and it's not congenial. And he's also experiencing some grief from a family loss. I also don't know how I feel about him. The special tingle down there isn't there. Sometimes I think I'm having to psych myself up to imagine us kissing. I'm not sure if that's the case of the good feels boring or if I'm trying to convince myself to be attracted to him. I also don't know if he likes just spending time with me because I'm cute and fun and a good time and I make him feel better during a hard time. I thought about having the are we dating? Conversation, but I'm hesitant because I don't know what to say. Okay, this keeps going, but I want to even just like take a second really quick to acknowledge, like this is really real. And I wanted to just clarify, like, dating is confusing. I don't know. This whole, like, if they like you, you know, if not, you'll be confused. Like, dating is really confusing. I don't know when it's ever just been a clear cut direction. I was with a friend last night and he was going on and on about like how he likes this girl. But he's unsure and going back and forth. And we think that men don't feel and that they are just distancing themselves. It's like, no, he was caught up in his loops for like an hour going over and because he was unsure. So, like, we have to also accept that people are going through their experience and this is real. Right? It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong. Imagine if the guy that she's seeing came and was like, am I not good enough? It's like, what does this have to do with your worth? Where this person is just trying to decide if they're compatible with you. Welcome to dating. That's the point of dating. So I'm proud of you. Okay, now for spicy stuff. Last summer I went on a few dates with this guy. Different guy, let's call him Tom. I did the limerence thing. Like I was so, so am into him. Over functioning, anxious. I thought I'd done all this work. Then I. When I finally met someone I actually liked, I compulsively showed up in ways I didn't want to. I haven't liked someone that much in years. It was a big eye opening for me and was actually when I started to look for help in listening to your podcast. Maybe he picked up on it. Maybe he was just struggling with some instability. He lived on a boat. So romantic. But apparently the pirate life is hard. Oh, baby. That's what I was about to say. You're romanticizing stuff. It's not that romantic. I know plenty of people that do it. He cut things off and says he wasn't ready to date, couldn't give me what I deserve. I was bummed, but took his word for it. Oh, also, we work at the same place, but in totally different spaces and departments. I went the rest of the year, never seeing him at work. Only at work, happy hours. Once in a while. We were cool, chill, friendly. He would text me sometimes, but I never read that much into it. So currently, as I'm hanging out with dude number one, I ran into Tom. How? Baby, I've happened there before. Okay. I run into Dom at work during a professional development day. Then he texts me randomly and asks if I want to go on a spontaneous camping trip with him and a buddy at the beach. I'm an adventurous girly. So I said, yeah, okay. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you see the issue here? This boy I'm gonna call boy. This dude that you were so into says he can't date. And all of a sudden because you see each other and then he's like a visual creature being like, I saw her. I'm in a texture. You're like. He says jump, you say how high? Okay, let's just notice that I meet him and his friends at the beach. We have a super fun and goofy time and I watched the sunset together without his friend and had deepish conversation about last summer. I apologized about how I showed up as doing too much. He said he didn't even clock it. Okay, that's what I mean by don't project it onto the people. Let somebody tell you what's going on before you take ownership of something that might not be. So there's a campfire and dinner and wine. Boys were drinking tequila. His friend goes to sleep. Our conversations get serious. We're holding hands and kissing. Then in tent making out. Sabr I can't describe it, but I'm so attracted to this man. Oh, baby, I'm. I feel myself in the tent with you. I know, I know. I'll share my story after. I want him so bad. He's a regular dude, but he just does it for me in all the ways, all the special tingles. Also, part of it might be that I want him to choose me or that it's a challenge and I that I want to win or I can't have him, so I want him more. I don't know. I lost my therapist. We hook up the next day while sober. The next week I brought him some tomatoes from my garden after work. Invited me to have lunch with him. One day we didn't. It was cute. Later we sat next to each other at happy hour and he hadn't had cute flirty touches and glances. I didn't see or hear from him for the next work week. Then I went to his side of the building to say hi and work. On Friday, he asked me out to happy hour. It wasn't to work happy hour, so it was just us. Just one colleague show up for a bit. But it was quick. He bought my drink and as we were saying goodbye and hugging and touching kind of holding hands, I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime. We had conflicting plans that weekend, but he invited me on a backpacking trip the next weekend. Little adventures like that are so hot to me. He encouraged me to take a day off to make it work and then even invited me on another camping fishing trip the next weekend. So I bought it, thought about it, found a way to make it work. Also bought more backpack gear. I reached out again to make plans and he just pulled the plug on everything and said he was wasn't ready to date. You wrote libras no unemotionally unavailable people. I'm sorry, I gotta say we gotta cut this. I say that with love, my babies. This has nothing to do with his sign. This has nothing to do with his attachment style. This has to do with the fact that you jumped in head first without having a conversation with this person. And I get a. I've done it too. Okay, this ain't about shame. This is not about shame, blame or none of that stuff. But it's about being very blunt and direct about you jumped in without having the conversation of, hey, you lost my trust, we had something and then you kind of pulled the rug out from under me. That's why you want him so bad. This is unfucking finished business. So did I try too hard or did I scare him away? Hello, core belief. I'm a strong, independent, successful lady and I don't want to water myself down, but I feel like when I actually like a guy, I'm too masculine and not receiving feminine enough and pursue them. I know what I want and go for it, but it pushes men away. Why do I have such a hard time hard on for the emotional unavailable guys and when I'm not attracted to the guys who are in therapy. Also not sure guy number one is right for me. Should I just swipe the sleek clean and start over? I hate texting and online dating. I don't want to compromise what I'm looking for. And I do have a scarcity mindset about finding another guy that is as. As I'm into as much as. Tom, please help. Sorry for so long. You talk so bad, so it should be fine. I love you. Love you so much. And again, thank you for being the angel voice of reason on my shoulder. Okay, so I. We didn't even like put the text because the text didn't really add to this. But I'll say this. Did you try too hard? You didn't have boundaries. And that's I think, the very direct and blunt thing. I have to say. You wanted this to work. It's scarcity myself. Oh my God, he's back. Is he choosing me? Could this be it? And you instead of going. Because look what happening. Your core belief is, was I too much? But yet you didn't take up any space, so how could you have been too much? You were trying to play the cool girl. What is too much about going, hey, you ended it with me before once I'm not really sure what this is. Why is it that you want to meet up? Are you interested in a relationship? Because if he was like, whoa, what? I don't know. I mean, then you see his bandwidth there then. And in that moment that this person can't show up for you in the ways that you need. He didn't. He said it. I didn't even clock it. I didn't even notice. So you're projecting the. I feel like I'm too much. Your core belief. The reason you go for emotionally unavailable men is because of that core belief. You believe you're too much. So you go for guys that, oh, no, we're not going to talk about anything. We're not going to do this. I'm going to play the cool girl. I don't have any needs. It's cool. Whatever. You want to go to the beach. You want to. You want to do all these things. I'm cool. I'll come to your side of the building and we'll hang out. Where is you choosing you, yourself, abandoning, hoping. Okay, this is my chance. He's gonna like me now. We have our opportunities. See, look, he probably knew he missed out on something. First of all, it's really real. That's really human. I'm not shaming you or putting you down for having these emotions and feelings. That is real and valid, but that doesn't make it healthy, and it doesn't make it that. That's the choice that we act in. This episode is brought to you by Fabletics. I'm obsessed with Fabletics. And you know what? It's not just me. It's also Ryan. Ryan has been wearing Fabletics since the day we met. And I always loved the way everything looked on him. It's incredibly tailored. It's lightweight because he sweats like nobody's business, but it's really, really comfortable. It's high quality, and it's lasted him forever. And so, of course, your girl had to try Fabletics for herself. And now I'm hooked. I am literally wearing the seamless bra right now, and it feels like second skin. Plus, you just cannot beat how affordable and the quality. Because if you become a Fabletics VIP when you sign up, you get 80% off everything. And after the membership, it's about 60 bucks a month unless I choose to skip. And that monthly fee gives me exclusive membership benefits, including a credit I can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to a hundred dollars, y'. All. You really cannot beat it. So right now, treat yourself or someone you love to Gear that looks good, feels good, and doesn't break the bank with Fabletics. Go to Fabletics.com Sabrina and sign up as a VIP and get 80% off everything. That's correct. That's Fabletics.com Sabrina to sign up as a VIP and get eighty percent off everything. Again, guys, that's Fabletics.com SabrinA I've had plenty of guys come back and try to act as if it's nothing. And I remember the conventionally handsome guy. I've told you guys about him. I was fucking cuckoo about him. And I was talking to my best friend about him who had met him. And she looked at me and she was like, dude, you were getting played. And she's like, that guy led you on so hard. And I remember he would touch me. I would. Like I was coming out of my skin. I wanted to this guy so bad. I couldn't even. And I kept saying, I'm gonna do things differently and I'm not gonna sleep with him. But the reason I was doing that was performative. It's not because that's genuinely what I believed. I wanted to make sure he wasn't gonna do. Okay, fine. We go through the emot. Go through the hot and cold. He comes to town, we finally hook up. I felt nothing. I felt nothing. And you want to know why? Because I started to see him for who he was, not for the projection of who I wanted him to be. It was no longer sexy. I had done the healing work. I had started to. That was a guy. I've said this to you guys before. He. I changed the way I dated after him because I realized, wait a minute. This person wasn't going to change. I set a boundary. I said, no, thank you. I walked away from something that didn't align with me and it had nothing to do with. Is he going to come back? He didn't. He didn't. I reached out to him. Nine months later, Nothing had changed. He was the same fucking version. Because that doesn't change like that, especially the way this guy went about it. That's why I'm saying, I know you wanted this to be a movie. You wanted it to be a rom com of like, oh, my God, you guys reconnected. You're at the beach. It's so romantic. And we're. But, baby, this real life. That's what I mean by don't waste your fucking time. Because you're saying, I don't want to water myself down, but I feel like I'm too masculine and I'm not Receiving enough, because these people aren't creating a safety for you. I understand the masculine, feminine polarity, but if you actually want, like, we vacillate between the two. I'm masculine in my career. I have to be. I gotta go get her. I have to pursue. I have to go. I have to provide. I have to make the money for my household. This doesn't just fall on my lap, but in my relationships, I sometimes might have to do that. And then I can receive, and then I can be soft, right? Because I learned how to balance, because we all have both. But if you're in constant chasing chase, it's because you don't believe that anything is going to come your way. And so if you're going to try to hold on and beg this window to open, you're not seeing the doors that are opening next to you. I don't know if this guy is for you, this other guy. I don't know. I haven't the slightest idea. But it sounds like you're not really giving this your full college try because you're still hung up on Tom. You still want the idea of somebody else, and you're comparing this guy and saying, bad. I don't feel this. I don't feel this. Well, baby, a feeling's going to fade because this guy Tom, didn't give you anything that you actually need in a relationship. But you're so hung up on a feeling that you're not looking at reality. Because when you chase a feeling, what do you think you're going to get that you're just constantly going after a high? What's the same as drugs when you're going after the high? Then what happens when you come back to reality? You got to deal with reality. And I say that with a lot of love. I don't know if you should swipe the slate clean. I would say, have you kissed this guy? Like, have you been intimate at all? Has he touched you? And I would ask yourself, if he were treating you like, would you be more into him? If you're struggling right now because you can't decide, is this person for you or not? I want you to do this. I want you to project your life on a movie, and I want you to imagine you're in the audience. What are you screaming at the character?
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Better?
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Are you screaming at the character to focus, to not fumble this dude, it's not that great out there, trust me. Or are you looking at the character saying, you're wasting your time? You know that guy, ain't it and you deserve better than this. Start being real with yourself. Because when I was with my partner, yeah, I was unsure. He was super, like, more healthy. He was really into me. And that went against my core beliefs. And I tried to find every reason that it shouldn't work out, which we're actually going to talk about in the masterclass. If you guys join that, which will be at the end of the month, it's going to be special. It's gonna be about the texting and dating anxiety. And I'm gonna share a lot of stuff you guys haven't heard publicly or on the podcast. So you guys can join that soon. But, baby, I would say this. I know you don't want to compromise what you're looking for, but I would challenge. Do you really know what it is that you're looking for? I know that you are saying, oh, I have scarcity mindset, and I might never find anybody like Tom. Well, that might be the good thing because Tom isn't emotionally available. This guy is not showing up for you. This guy doesn't have the bandwidth for you. So then let me ask you what the are you so hung up on? You're hung up on the idea and the projection of him because you have a nice time and the sex is great, but what else is there? Because you need a more baby to make a relationship work. I say that with love. All right, let's go to the next. All right. Hey, Sabrina. Hello. I've been listening to you for a while now, and I'm deeply appreciative of your no straightforward yet loving approach to love and dating. I'm in a situation that I'm really struggling with. All right, let's go. I'm a deep person who's done a lot of work on myself. I work in crisis counseling. I've gone deep into self reflection and hold a passion for psychology, wellness, and self improvement. That's beautiful. By no means figured out. I get that. But I feel like I've got a good grasp on myself and inner working. I've been with a man right now for the last two years. He's great so long as I am. The minute I have an emotional need or when I talk about something to pass the surface level, he flails and goes into an avoidant shutdown. I am hyper aware of this. Your podcast has helped me identify and name it. But calling him out on his behavior results in gaslighting, crazy projecting defense and deflection. He's unable to have a hard conversation, will turn around and tell Me, I'm that I'm unable to have hard conversations. I'm too emotional and I can't get over things. How do I navigate this? How do I move into repair with someone who's so committed to me being the one who's wrong? I'm usually really understanding and patient with him because I understand his wounding and trauma but it's getting to a point where I have to negate my own for him, his comfort and I'm reaching my limits and finding it harder and harder because I'm not being met with the same supporter. Understanding the answer is in the question. I'm sure this might not be my person but I'm wondering if there's any avenue to try before I end things. I know he loves me deeply but just can't meet me emotionally. Help a girl out. Love you and thank you Keely. All right baby. What do you think's going to change? I ask you that honestly. So you're with somebody who literally shuts down the second you have any death. You're saying I'm such a deeper. So you're self abandoning trying to keep this person. How familiar is this? Did you have a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable? Did you have a caregiver or somebody in your childhood that when the minute you open up you were too much, they walked out. If you cried, they weren't there for you. They asked would you stop crying being a fucking baby again because you're with this person you've been two years. Two years as long as you're good so your needs aren't met, you're not able to have the conflict or the repair. But you're saying he loves you deeply and I don't doubt that. Maybe he really does and this is his bandwidth. But what do you think is going to change? I can't tell you what to do. That's not my job. My job is not to be like because if this were me I wouldn't have been two years with this person. I wouldn't have been two weeks with this person. Because for me conflict and repair is very important for me. I don't water my myself down. I don't play small. I take up the space and if that doesn't work for another person that's fine, go find someone else. It's the same I do with my career, with everything in my life because if I'm going to be so scared to take up that space then how the fuck am I going to be able to create my own? And so I would Say, listen, you could try to talk to this guy and say, hey, I need to share something with you. And I think we're getting to a point where I'm struggling. I think it would be helpful for us to see a therapist or a couple's counselor because I find that I can't say anything. I feel like the minute I bring something up, you shut down. And while I understand that it's hard, having hard conversations is really tough. But I don't think feel like we're actually able to make progress. And I do have things that bother me and I'd love to be able to have a safe space where I can express myself. Otherwise, I'm really struggling in this relationship and I need to be really honest with myself that my needs aren't met. I know that sounds really scary and I know that you might be like, I'm not saying that. But then let me ask you, what are you benefiting from staying silent? What are you benefiting from not speaking up? From not saying what it is that you want? How do you benefit from playing small besides just reaffirming to yourself that you don't deserve to take up space? I asked that honestly because I think what you're writing is really real. I think you're having so much empathy and compassion for him. But is he reciprocating that when he's going through a hard time? Is he reciprocating that for you and saying cuz you are, you're holding space for him, you're able to be there for him, but yet where's that being reciprocated for you? So baby, how do you navigate this? I think it's about being really honest with yourself. But here's the caveat. You really want to navigate this, then I need you. I need you to accept that it might not work. I need you to accept that this person might not have the bandwidth and learn that grieving is going to be part of this. But if you're ready to stand up and say, I'm not willing to take any less than this, let me ask you this, do you want to cry now or you want to cry later? You've spent two years with this person. Do you want to spend another two to find out that this person isn't right for you to find out that maybe you're not going to have the marriage and the kids that you had been planning? So then let me ask you, what are your choices here? Your choices are you could stand up for yourself. Your choices are you could stay quiet and small and just take what he gives you. Your choices are that you can take up and demand the connection that it is that you're seeking. And if this person can't do it or isn't willing to go to therapy, isn't willing to get help, it's like, then what do you think is going to change? You can't do the work for both of you. You. This episode is sponsored by Curl Smith. There is one product that completely changed my routine and that is the weightless air dry cream. I will take this to the grave with me. Babes, I'm not kidding. It's their most loved leave in conditioner. It's super lightweight, but also really hydrating. I mean, for me, I've got like that frizzy, coarse, she does her own thing kind of hair. And so does Ryan. He's got thick, coarse, really curly hair. And we are both obsessed to the point where I had to buy another one because he kept stealing my weightless air dry cream. Same. It's made with hyaluronic acid, wild muru muru butter and babassu oil so it smooths, detangles and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy. Babes, if you are ready to embrace your natural curl, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we are celebrating curls and we know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10% off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. This episode is sponsored by better help. Guys. October 10th is World Mental Health Day and this year Better Help is shining the spotlight on therapists. The people who truly make the world a better place. For me. I don't know what I would do without my therapist. I love betterhelp because Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US and the best part, Better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. So you take a short questionnaire. It helps you identify your needs and preferences and their 10 years plus of experience. Experience. An industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And the best part? If you're not happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist anytime you need. I was on BetterHelp. I am on BetterHelp. I've been on BetterHelp. It saved my life and I am so grateful for the fact that I could message my therapist in between sessions. That way they whoever I was working with was able to see it when they came back online and it gave me a place where I felt safe to be able to open up. And for that I am so grateful. So this World Mental Health Day we are celebrating the therapist who have helped millions of people take a step. If you are ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start the journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better. H-E-L-P.com Sabrina the harshest reality I learned about being in a relationship is that you can't do the work for the both of you. You can show up for you, you can do the work on yourself, you can go to therapy, you could do all the coaching and all the healing in the world but you can't change for both of you. And if you have two people in a dynamic and one person is not to have conversations, is not willing to face the truth and is not willing to be in the conflict and the repair with you, then you are in a relationship with yourself and you're either going to cry now or you'll cry later. You get to choose. That's it. I know we all want it to work right? But I think honestly, I think right now we're in a time where we need to start letting things go as well. I'm not saying to like pull the avoiding card of like walk away and them and if they don't do what you want, I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is you gave the old college try, you gave two years of your life to see if this person can step up. How much more of you are you going to sacrifice and give before you realize this person's not reciprocating in the ways that you need? And that's part of the hard conversations doesn't mean it needs to turn into a blow up. If that person takes it there, that's where you get to say, hey, I'm not doing this again. I'm not doing this. I'm not going to allow you to gaslight me and manipulate. I will say I have a family member like that that the minute you try to go with something you're like here we go again. Of course it's always me, right? Like because they don't want to be held accountable because for them and it's not out of malice. It's not like I don't think this person's doing this because he wants to hur hurt you but he sees it as an attack on his character and he's. And it's like, you can't be with someone like that long term. Eventually it's going to get really old where you're like, dude, I can't. What am I walking on eggshells? I need to be able to express myself and openly speak. Part of what makes a relationship beautiful is the safety and the autonomy for you to express yourself in it. And if you find yourself constantly playing small and shutting down because you're trying to keep the dynamic of the relationship, then all you're doing is self abandoning and reaffirming to yourself that you don't deserve, deserve any better than this. All right, baby, I think you know what to do and that's okay. I'll give you permission. You're allowed to choose yourself. And I hope that he wants to work with you. I'm not saying that you have to walk away. I hope more than anything that this guy ends up turning up and saying, you know what, you're right, this isn't working for me. Right. Because Ryan and I went through our stuff like, please know this isn't about walk away from everything, but walk away from people who aren't willing to invest in themselves in the same ways that you are. Because I wouldn't be with my partner if he wasn't in therapy and doing coaching and doing all of the. I wouldn't be with him because. Because then he wouldn't be growing and I am. And then at that point we're not aligned. So just being honest. All right. Hey, Sabrina. Hi. First, I want to thank you for everything you do to truly change my life in so many ways and will continue to do so. Thank you, baby. So I've recently entered a relation, a new relationship and had crazy anxious attachment problems in the past which I've been working on for nearly two years now. I've met someone. Triggers are starting to come up. We'll spend the weekend days together and then once they leave, I'm crying and having panic attacks. To preface, we'll still be texting on and off or calling some days, but immediately after, I can't shake the anxious, panicky feelings. Regardless of how much I know she feels about me and the fact that she not here physically. I know logically this is ridiculous, but I can't seem to control it or stop it before it happens. She was also quite secure, which is something I thought I was working towards. But this is the second week this is happening. Any advice would be great. Oh, baby, let me just Say it's so real. Like, welcome to you hurt in relationships, you heal in relationships. And what this is, is your nervous system is going back to baseline of like, they're leaving me. I'm abandoned. Right? Like, what I would say is a couple of things. One, can you get curious about the narratives? Right? Like, by the way, guys, this is why I'm creating like this masterclass and I'm doing this like four week intensive that's coming up in November. So. So, like, stay tuned. That's why I'm doing this, to give you guys like real tools and things along the way. But I would say even just a little bit more like removed. What's happening is that your nervous system is saying the minute that it's looking and saying, oh my God, we're being left, oh my God, they're leaving us. Because what I would look at is one, where are the sensations in your body? So she leaves, you say, I'm having a panic attack, I'm crying. Can you sit with it? Not ruminate in it. Can you sit with it? Can you set your clock for 10 minutes and allow yourself to be in it? Then when the clock goes up, can you start to ask yourself, where did I feel this in my body? Body? It's in my chest. It's in my head. Okay, can I sit with that for one minute? Okay. Like, that's the thing. A lot of you guys want to feel better, but we're not learning how to feel. We're trying to intellectualize. Maybe if I just stay in my head, maybe if I just start to overthink, maybe if I just try to understand everything that they're doing and I can try to understand why I'm feeling this way, then I won't feel that your brain is trying to intellectualize. Because that's a defense mechanism. When your brain can intellectualize. This is neuroscience. Then it keeps you away because what are your secondary gains? Your secondary gains are if you focus on them and you focus on why they're not there, and all of the sadness and the tears, you get to avoid going back to the parts of you that are hurting. Because this is a little girl right now, she doesn't know who the fuck this person is. She has no idea who this person is. She sees and she's scared. Oh my God, are you gonna leave me? Because when she leaves, you leave. You start to probably attack yourself and put yourself down. Like, what else you want this girl to do? She's texting you, she's being there for you. And it's like, you're allowed to be anxious, by the way. You're allowed to still feel like that. I'll never forget when Ryan and I were dating and we went away. And that's a big moment, right? Your first trip away with somebody. And I remember I got back, and I was scared. I was shaking, and I was getting sad, and he grabbed me, and he said, I can feel your anxiety. And I know you're anxious, right? But I need to tell you, I had an amazing time with you, and this is the first of many trips. And I know that you might be sad, but, like, please know I really like you. And how about we do something this week? And I was like, okay, I went home, and I was sad, and I was crying because my body's baseline was, they're gonna leave me. No one likes me. Because we were getting intimate, we were getting closer, and that was becoming scarier for me to think that I might lose somebody. That finally is showing up in the ways that I've been begging people to. That's why I think it's really human, and I want to just normalize it. Like, there's nothing wrong with you. Your nervous system is acclimating in a way. It's used to people leav. Leaving. It's used to being the second fiddle. It's used to being people, the. The one that gets picked up, whatever, Right? Fill in the blank. And so now what you could do is start to get curious. I don't want to get rid of it. I want to understand it. So if. When they leave, okay, what's the narrative I'm creating? Holy shit. That I think I'm being abandoned. Who am I saying that to? How old do I feel like this is what I do with my clients, this is how I work with people is really challenging. Understanding the thoughts, holding compassion for the thoughts, but understanding the thoughts. Your anxiety, and this panic attack, it's not here just because you're bored. It's here because that's an alarm system. So what I would like everybody to learn and to know is I want you to utilize anxiety as a way to alert you that there's something going on that needs you, not as something that you need to get rid of. The more you resist it, the more it's going to persist. And if you really want to heal anxious attachment or this anxiety around dating, you got to stop trying to get rid of it and start to fucking understand it. I was anxious this morning. Ryan and I both were. And when we started to talk about it, we Realized like, oh, my God, we both had our core beliefs come out. We were anxious about the same thing, two completely different stories and narratives that we created. And it was not even about. It was like a friend thing that happened last night and we challenged it. That didn't mean that the sensations went away. I still went through my day feeling heavy, feeling the sadness, feeling the. The fear. But I allowed myself. And I was like, hey, dude, you're human. You're going through a human experience. It's okay. So that's my permission to. You. Whatever you're experiencing now is okay because that makes you who you are. And so please don't be scared that you're going through the sadness or the fears. What you need to remind yourself is, hey, I'm an adult now and I have my back. And even if it doesn't work out, this person, that's okay. And start to look, am I putting them on a pedestal? Am I starting to fantasize and idealize them? And that's okay? If the answer is yes, maybe you're like, I don't really know this person that well. I'm just scared I'll never meet anyone. Blah, blah. And then you can say, well, what facts do I have to back that up? What facts do I have to back up that I'm never gonna meet anybody? I've met plenty of people up until this point, and I will continue to. And so those would be my tips, obviously. Of course, if you're working with a coach, a therapist, whatever, right? Whoever you're working with right now, start to get curious. Curious. That's why I love the IFS parts work. Go listen to the Dick Schwartz episode if you have. Great, we're gonna have dick back on again, hopefully. But go listen to that episode so that we can. You can even see, like, how we do parts work. How do you get curious and how do you start to show up for yourself in different ways? Self love doesn't mean that you just get over it. Self love means that you hold space for the experience you're having. Because look at how he is, right? I'm. You're coming to me and I'm saying, that's okay. That's really human. Doesn't that make you feel. Oh, thanks, man. Versus if I was like, wow, you're a fucking moron loser. Wow, you're hung up on some. Or you're nervous, you cry, you fucking baby. Would you feel supported? You're like, oh, she's a. So then stop doing that to yourself. Your brain can't tell the difference between physical pain and mental pain. And that's why your brain activates the same parts of your body as if you were in physical pain. That's why it hurts your body. That's why you're having panic attacks. So we need to say what's in your control, because your window of tolerance, what you can accept, is about this big right now. We need to expand it so that when she leaves, you're not falling to hell in a hand basket. You know you have your back because whether she's in your life or not, you got I learned that the hard way when Clem passed away.
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All right babies, let's do one more let's do a profile. I love profile reviews. And guys, if you want private profile reviews, you can send them into the for the show, but we do them on the Sabrina Zohar.com you can purchase one. Like I said, you can ask a question. You can work one on one. You could join a course. All courses include free group coaching with Sheila. So every month you get a you're in a telegram group and you have your coaching every month and it's with the group and it's really beautiful. So please just know these are resources if you guys want. And don't forget to share the podcast with a friend who might need it, because that's the only way I grow is by you guys. So thank you. And I know. I get it. I could be a broken record. I have my own anxiety. I have my own ocd. I have my own fears. And I appreciate you guys for allowing me to just be myself in my own space because sometimes I get in my own head and I start to get in my own way, and I think that's really human. Okay. Hey, Sabrina, I'm a new fan and love your podcast. Here's my background. Age 59. Married for 20 years. Divorce 11 to 2024. So a recent but long overdue. It was mutual, but I left because he was a loser who didn't work a day during the marriage when I worked two jobs. Proud of you, baby. So I motivated. I am motivated and driven. I have one son who is 19. I never thought I'd be this old and back in the dating scene. I say this with love. Change your fucking verbiage. You are this young, my baby. You are giving yourself the second chance. You are allowed to start over again. I don't give a fuck how old you are. So we have got to get rid of that narrative because otherwise I am an old maid who should have been married with kids by now, and I'm not. We all have opportunities. You are on your own path. Okay, let me tell you. Older people fuck all the time. It's like level three of a video game. So many divorced people wanting to hook up. I want a relationship, a partner, currently having a friend with benefits. And yes, I can hear you saying, what are you doing? The breadcrumbs. Ugh. At first it was fine, but now I want more and he doesn't. So now I'm so. I know. Move on. Which I'm doing. That's the dating profiles. And also I would also really challenge. Really, Betsy? I would challenge. What do you want so badly from this person? He doesn't want a relationship with you. He's keeping it casual. He's friends with benefits. He's breadcrumbing you. So what do you want so bad? That's where I have to say, we got to start to look at that because then it's going to repeat. You're going to go after people that are repeating this because that's What? You think you are deserving? Oh, I'm not saying. What are you doing? I'm fine. You want to get dick down or vade down, whatever, right? Whoever's. I don't give a go have your fun. But you're choosing to do that because you're an adult who's making that choice. So if it's not working for you anymore, that's okay. You can say that. But I would challenge. What do you like so much about this person? What do you want so much about this person? Because it's like. Sounds like they're more mysterious than they are. Actually. Actually. Great. Okay, so we got photos. We've got cute. Cute. Okay, I'll be honest. You guys will see the photos. The photos are cute. We have two with sunglasses on and one that's far away. I could barely see you. So we need to swap those out because it's too many where I can't really see your face. Then we have all close up. I need a full bod. I'd love to see you with a friend. Like, let's mix it up a little bit, because I want them to know who they're getting. Like, remember? So it's your comp card. It's your calling card. This is your one opportunity. It's the same as walking down the street. Like, I'm. I'm also tired of people being like. People in dating apps are so shallow. It's like, oh, I'm sorry. What do you think happens at a bar when you have 10 seconds to look at somebody? Do you think that someone is closing their eyes when they come up and talk to you? There's a reason they're coming up and talking to you, because there is a baseline of attraction. So we have to stop blaming the apps for very human responses, which is, I want to be physically into the person that I might be going on a date with. Otherwise, I'd be doing charity work and I would just go out with anybody. So we got to cut that narrative. Like, yes, there are a lot of. There are a lot of shitty people out there. The dating apps versus meeting them in real life, it's not going to be any different. Those people exist because their intentions are the same. I met a guy in person, and I found out he was in the apps. Same person. Same person. Just because we met at a workout class doesn't mean that it went any different. So I'm just prefacing all of that. Okay. I want someone who loves going to sporting events. College football, baseball, and hockey are my Top three, who are your favorite teams? Okay, baby, I love that you're asking a question. Love that. The way to win me over is making me laugh. So a good sense of humor. I would encourage me to put a joke there. If you want to steal mine, you can. What do you call a pile of cats? A mountain. Okay, take it, steal it, have it. I don't really care. It's a good one, right? Okay. But give me a joke of like or something, right? Like, I heard a good one the other day. Okay. Photos are cute, like I said. I think we could just, like, tweak a little bit, you know what I mean? Okay, here's the thing. Okay, baby, first big red flag you have, what are you looking for? Figuring out my dating goals. And then you wonder why you're getting people that just want to take up space. My Betsy girl, take it up. I. I want a relationship, not interested in casual. Done and done. But that's a first thing. That's the only thing I'd say. Well, that's confusing. Okay. To me, relaxation is going for a walk or playing tennis. Being outside relaxes me. Okay. Don't really know what to do with it. I'll be honest. It's like, okay, cool. Did you like being out in nature? And then pick the best one. Hiking in the mountains, soaking up the sun on the beach. And then the other one got cut off so it doesn't look like I have the other prompt. So whatever it is, not a big fan of pick the best one because. Okay. Hiking in the mountain, soaking up in the beat. It's like you live in California. Or it's just like, kind of very generic, like, oh, you like to go on a hike. It's like a lot of people, like, I like long walks on the beach. I'm like, I don't really know anybody that, like, doesn't like sunshine or being outside. Maybe some people, sure. But, like, on the aggregate, most people enjoy that. So maybe instead of that one, we could say, pick what our first date's going to be. And then when they do that, then you can say, then if they were, like, great. Like, if they pick that. But see, even here, right? As I'm saying, and I'm workshopping this with you guys, let's say it's pick my favorite date and they pick hiking. That still leaves the onus on you to then pick up the conversation if they don't. Right. So if they just pick on hiking in the mountains. Okay. What are you gonna do with that? So they like hiking. They're hey, what backpack do you buy? It's like, hey, what. What interesting conversation are you gonna have with this? That's my point is prompts on these apps are meant to prompt a conversation. So if you're not giving. And you. You did. Don't get me wrong. But like, I'm saying, in general, if you're not giving people something to prompt with, that's like, when people ask when they're out. Like, how do I start a conversation with someone out in public? It's like, you got to figure out something about them that you can riff off of. My favorite thing when I was in public was like, if somebody was wearing a whoop or, like, a wearable or something, I'd be like, oh, is that the new one? Like, what do you think of it? Oh, I love those sneakers. Where'd you get them from? From. I know. Don't make it about their looks. Don't. Oh, you're beautiful. Like, bye. Make it about something about them that is interesting. That shirt they wear. Holy. You, like. Are you familiar with, like, that trail? Did you do it? Whatever. Right? It's the same with dating apps. I don't look at it as one or all. I think we're in a. In a time right now where people want. I am done with dating apps. No, I don't want to see them. And it's like, you're welcome to do that. Okay. How else are you meeting people? Are you getting rejected in person? Are you going out and putting yourself out there? And if your response is, well, I'd rather not date, it's like, take the time you need. Need. But eventually, you will want to get back out there. So it's not about getting rid of anything that makes us uncomfortable. It's about learning how to use the things that make us uncomfortable because they could lead us to something or you don't have to use it. Right. But right now, I could see why you might not be getting the results you want, because it's still very, like, surface, right? And so there's not a ton of depth. There's not a lot. I know you like hiking in the outdoors. I got that. That is clear to me. What else is there to you, Betsy? What else is there? And I'd be curious to know, because then you're giving people the opportunity and be clear about what it is that you want. Don't say, still trying to figure out your dating goals. When you're very clear that you want a relationship and that's all you want, that's All I'm saying, and there's a lot of people, look, you hear even Betsy, she's saying people in their, like the older people, they. And they're not ready for commitment. So for everybody that's like it's people in their 20s. No, it's not a people in their 30s, their 40s, or 50s or 60s or 70s. It's humans. Because a lot of people right now are trying to figure their out. It's a different time. And that's actually something we talk about one of the episodes of A lot of people like to compare, like, well, men back in the day used to send things in the army. And it's like, yeah, but you're comparing a highlight reel to a different story. You're comparing two different books. You're comparing a time when people within three years got married, had kids and bought a house versus now where you can't even comprehend that within three years you're barely done with even paying off one year of student debt. So like we have to stop comparing to a time that was different. When you're not in that time and then wondering why you're not happy because it's like comparing somebody's highlight reel to your worst day and then you wonder why you're not satisfied. So we have to look at it realistically that you're right. There's gonna be a lot of people out there that don't have depth, that don't have what it is that you want. That's okay. That's why you're dating, to see if they have that and take the breaks you need. I'm never going to tell you not to. When you're ready, get back out there. Get in the game, baby. You're not going to be able to win if you don't try. So I love you guys. I hope this helped. I hope you guys like in the trenches too. Please share it with your friend. Please, please don't forget rate and review the show. We've got the masterclass coming, we've got this new core. We have a four week intensive with me, that's going to be with me, don't worry. And Sheila's gonna be part of it, but you're gonna going to have me that we're coming out with. And so I'm just excited that I get to be able to give you guys different tools, different things. And I'm thinking and very grateful that you guys support me as well, because this is the only way I can keep this going. Why do you think I like push back when people like leave shitty reviews or talk about the ads, it's like, this is also my livelihood. This is my business. This is I'm here showing up for you guys every week, putting myself on the line because I really love what I do. And so with that comes the boundaries around me telling you what there is and asking for the help that I need and giving you the respect to choose what you need. So I'm here if you need me. And if not, thank you for listening. That's all I ask is just thank you for being here and showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So baby, until next time.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway now through November 4th. Shop the annual beauty event and save $5 when you spend $25 on select beauty products. Shop in store or online for items like Dove Body Wash Native Body Wash, Cetaphil gentle skin cleanser, Dr. Squatch body wash, Neutrogena Hydro Boost Water Gel, Dial Liqu Hand Soap and Olay Body wash, and save $5 when you spend $25 or more. Offer ends Nov. 4. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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It's Cybersecurity Awareness Month. Lifelock is here with tips to help protect your identity, use strong passwords, set up Multi Factor Authentication, report scams and update your software. And for comprehensive identity protection, Lifelock is your best choice choice. Lifelock alerts you to suspicious uses of your personal information and fixes identity theft guaranteed or your money back. Start your protection today with a 30 day free trial at LifeLock.com use promo code NEWS terms apply.
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