The Sabrina Zohar Show – Episode 166: Stop Chasing Emotionally Unavailable People | In The Trenches
Released: October 14, 2025

Overview

This episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show is a raw, in-depth dive into why so many of us chase emotionally unavailable partners, with real listener questions, striking advice, and unfiltered insights about anxious attachment, boundaries, modern dating, and personal growth. Sabrina answers questions "in the trenches," breaking down real scenarios listeners are facing — from wondering about bland-but-safe dates, to hot-and-cold romantic situationships, to dealing with a partner who can't meet emotional needs, and tackling the wave of anxiety that can come even in good new relationships. The episode also features a profile review for a newly single listener re-entering dating in her late 50s.

Sabrina’s hallmark “no BS” style is front-and-center as she encourages listeners to stop self-abandonment, rethink their approach to dating, and finally prioritize themselves — because building healthy connections starts with healing and honoring your own needs.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Ongoing Work of Healing & Growth

• (03:00) Sabrina opens up about her own continuing struggles with anxiety—not just in dating, but in friendships and everyday life:
  • Healing isn’t about issues disappearing but learning to support yourself through them.
  • “Just because I'm not in the dating world doesn't mean these issues don't take place in other parts of your life.”
    (03:40)

2. Listener Letter: Confusion Over Two Dating Scenarios

Scenario 1: The Safe, Bland Prospect

• Listener’s question (07:15): Describes dating a “good on paper” guy, but lacks physical attraction, while he's going through a tough divorce and personal loss.
• Sabrina reassures:
  • Dating IS Confusing: “Dating is really confusing… if they like you, you'll know? No, sometimes you're confused — that's normal.” (09:12)
  • Don’t rush or label yourself for not having strong feelings when there’s no genuine excitement.

Scenario 2: The Magnetic, Unavailable Ex Fling (Tom)

• “Tom” is back after ending things previously because he wasn't ready. Hot reconnection, intense attraction, but he pulls away again citing the same reasons.
• Sabrina’s breakdown:
  • You Want What’s Unfinished: “That’s why you want him so bad. This is unfucking finished business.” (13:50)
  • Lack of Boundaries Is the Actual Problem: “Did you try too hard? You didn't have boundaries.” (14:20)
  • Scarcity Mindset:
    • “Oh my God, he’s back. Is he choosing me?” You focus on scarcity, not your worth.
    • “Where is you choosing you? You’re self-abandoning, hoping, ‘Okay, this is my chance.’” (15:45)
  • The Pattern: “The reason you go for emotionally unavailable men is because of that core belief: you believe you’re too much. So you go for guys that… won’t talk about anything, you play the cool girl, you don’t have any needs.” (16:25)

Big Picture on Attraction:

• Sabrina’s personal anecdote:
  • “I was fucking cuckoo about him. ... We finally hook up. I felt nothing. Because I started to see him for who he was, not the projection of who I wanted him to be.” (18:45)

Actionable Advice:

• Challenge yourself on what you’re actually attracted to and why.
• If you’re not being chosen, ask yourself: what are you holding on to?
• Iconic Sabrina Quote:
  • “When you chase a feeling, what do you think you’re going to get? ... It’s the same as drugs — when you’re going after the high, what happens when you come back to reality?” (22:32)

Practical Tool:

• “Project your life on a movie. Imagine you’re in the audience: what are you screaming at the character?” (23:55)
  • Are you rooting for her to give this new guy a chance?
  • Or are you yelling: “You know that guy ain’t it, and you deserve better”?

3. Listener Letter: With a Partner Who Can’t Meet Emotional Needs

• (25:22) Listener in a two-year relationship: her partner shuts down during conflict, gaslights and deflects.
  • She asks: Is there anything left to try?

Sabrina’s Take:

• “The answer is in the question.” (26:30)
• “How much more of you are you going to sacrifice and give before you realize this person’s not reciprocating in the ways that you need?” (28:40)
  • If you’ve tried, communicated, suggested therapy and are still not met — your choices are:
    • Speak up and risk the relationship for integrity.
    • Remain silent and self-abandon.
  • “You can’t do the work for both of you.” (29:38)
  • “Eventually it’s going to get really old where you’re like, dude, I can’t … what am I, walking on eggshells?” (30:15)

4. Listener Letter: New Relationship Triggers Old Attachment Anxiety

• (33:33) After a weekend together, listener has panic attacks and tears when her (secure) partner leaves.

Sabrina’s Guidance:

• “Your nervous system is acclimating in a way. It’s used to people leaving…so now get curious. I don’t want to get rid of it. I want to understand it.” (34:15)
• “You want to feel better, but we’re not learning how to feel. We’re trying to intellectualize.” (35:10)
• Instead of resisting the anxiety, sit with it for a set time and gently explore the narrative beneath it.
• “Self love doesn’t mean you just get over it. Self love means that you hold space for the experience you’re having.” (37:45)
• Reassures listeners: This is repair and recalibration — NOT a sign you’re broken.

5. Profile Review: Dating Anew at 59

• (42:00) Listener, motivated and recently divorced after a 20-year marriage, is venturing into dating apps and FWB territory.

Sabrina’s Feedback:

• “Change your fucking verbiage. You are this young, my baby.” (43:25)
• “If it’s not working for you anymore, that’s okay. But I challenge, what do you like so much about this person?” [FWB situation]
• Dating profile advice:
  • Ditch far-away/sunglasses pics, add a full-body and candid friend shot.
  • Make prompts less generic: show personality, humor, specificity.
  • Be clear in your intentions on dating apps: “I want a relationship, not interested in casual.”
  • “I’m tired of people being like, ‘People on dating apps are so shallow.’ … Do you think someone’s closing their eyes when they come up and talk to you at a bar?” (45:02)
• Normalize that “figuring it out” isn’t age-dependent — people in every decade are struggling to define what they want.

Memorable Quotes

• “Without your light, it gets really fucking dark out there in the world.” (04:15)
• “You wanted this to be a movie…baby, this is real life. Don’t waste your fucking time.” (19:32; on situationships and longing for closure)
• “You can’t do the work for both of you.” (29:39)
• “Do you want to cry now, or do you want to cry later?” (28:35; on prolonging pain in unavailable relationships)
• “You were trying to play the cool girl. What is too much about going, ‘Hey, you ended it with me before once, I’m not really sure what this is. Are you interested in a relationship?’” (15:55)
• “Self love means that you hold space for the experience you’re having.” (37:45)
• “Change your fucking verbiage. You are this young, my baby. You are giving yourself the second chance. You are allowed to start over again. I don’t give a fuck how old you are.” (43:16)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:00 — Sabrina discusses her own ongoing anxiety, even outside dating
• 07:15 — Listener dilemma: Confused about feelings for “safe” guy, newly single after divorce
• 10:50 — Listener’s “Tom” story: The emotionally unavailable ex returns, repeats the same pattern
• 13:50–17:00 — Sabrina breaks down limerence, unfinished business, projection vs. reality
• 22:32 — The “chasing a high” trap in dating
• 23:55 — The “project your life as a movie” exercise
• 25:22 — Listener’s two-year avoidant relationship: Why self-abandonment won't work
• 29:39 — “You can’t do the work for both of you”
• 33:33 — Anxious attachment in new relationships — why panic sets in even with a good partner
• 34:15–38:00 — Sabrina normalizes anxiety, offers practical self-soothing tips
• 42:00 — Profile review for Betsy, newly divorced at 59; advice on late-life dating (44:00–50:30)

Closing Wisdom

Sabrina’s overarching message:
It’s not about “fixing” yourself so you can finally get love. It’s about learning to hold your own boundaries, honor your desires, and stop settling for emotional breadcrumbs. Real growth means choosing yourself — whether that’s having the hard conversation, ending the pattern of “cool-girl” self-abandonment, or being gentle with the parts of you that ache after years (or decades) of rejection or scarcity.

“I love you guys. I hope this helped. Until next time.” (50:10)

For more, follow Sabrina on Instagram @thesabrinazoharshow and @sabrina.zohar or join her newsletter/masterclass on sabrinazohar.com.