← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Morning, Zoe.
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Jeff Bridges. Why are you still living above our garage?
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I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you. Teach me, Suldana.
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I couldn't possibly AT T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.
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Impressive. Let me try AT T Mobile. You can save up to 20% versus the other big guys. You heard them. T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition. Check the math to see how much you could save versus the other big guys.
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@T mobile.com switch. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. Welcome back to another Friday and this one's a special one. We're gonna get real fucking vulnerable because we're gonna talk about the fact that you're not alone in struggling, that you are not the only one that's going through stuff right now, and that a lot of us are going through a shit ton of turmoil. And so I'm trying to keep these intros short. You guys know it. Please don't forget rate and review the show. Please leave a comment. And guys, one thing I want to let you know, if you don't like the ads, there is ad free. It is $4 a. You guys leave comments saying, too many ads, there's only four. Which is really standard for a free show. So if you guys want more, please check it out in the link in show notes. You can join one of the courses. You can work one on one. You can ask a question, you could get ad free, or you could just listen. You could just be here. We don't need anything from you. I just want you guys to know the resources that are there for you. So without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? It's funny, I had this episode slated for next year. I've welcome to anxiety. I have things built out for the next like six, seven, eight months. And I just started to notice as I was reading in a lot of the questions that you guys write in or the question box on Insta. Like as always, guys, if you want the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, I do question boxes for solos for guest episodes to understand what you guys are looking for. So feel free to follow along. And the one commonality I saw was it wasn't just one struggle because as I was going through it, I was like okay, let me find is it this? Is it this is it this. And I was like, holy shit, we're all just struggling right now. And I wanted to get some data, get some statistics, get some understanding so that we feel a lot less alone. Because I know when I was was going through my therapy, my journey, like, especially when you're dating, when you're single, like, it's easy, right? It's easy for me now to be like, oh yeah, of course all of these variables make sense. It's like because I'm on a different side. But when I was broke, as it was just me and Clem living in my apartment, I had very few friends, my business wasn't doing as well. All of these things, like, I was overwhelmed and I felt alone. And I will say the one thing I always felt as I was dating, especially in New York, was I always thought everybody else has it normal and everyone else has it figured out but me. I'm the one that's insane. I'm the one that's psychotic. I'm the one that's anxious, anxious. I'm the one that's hyperventilating. I'm the one that's creating narratives. Everyone else seems to have it figured out but me. So I must be the problem. And what I didn't realize was that I was just alone without realizing that misery sure as loves company because other people are struggling and all of us are fighting a battle. And I think it's really important for us to be aware that you're not alone while you're doing that. And I'm by your side throughout it all. So let's get to it, shall we? Because I can all but guarantee you your therapist probably has a therapist. Your life coach is googling how to get their together at 2am and the motivational speaker you followed just had a panic attack in their Tesla. And the reason I bring this up is because what if the people you think have cracked the code of life are just better at hiding their breakdowns than you are because you guys were in this together. Here are some of the questions I that you guys had asked. I can't stop obsessing over someone who doesn't want me. Why do I keep choosing the wrong people? I know what I should do, but I can't do it. Everyone else has seems to have it figured out but me. And that is the reality. You are not alone. A lot of people are fighting their own battles. They're just a lot more quiet about the struggles or they've experienced expanded their window of tolerance to understand that this is part of life, and that doesn't mean that it's the end of it. And so we're going to talk today about, like, why everyone's struggling and why that's the most normal thing about being a human and what actually helps when you're in it. And I personally, I wanted to share even some personal stuff that I've been going through. First, can we talk about my lasers? Right. Oh, my God. If you guys are in la, you have to go see Laura. I'm going to tag her, I'm going to put her Instagram in the caption. But I also got 3D exosomes that you put on after by Rise Up Medical. This, Rise up, this is the best. Like, this glow. This glow is from a laser. No Botox, no filler, no anything. I just get facials once a month. And I'm 35, so I just wanted to share and glow because I am trying to find glimmers and you might be looking at me like, what the fuck does this have anything to do with it? I'm trying to find small things in my day that make me really happy. Like, my skin looks really great, or I'm not feeling as bloated, or the sun is on my skin. Because I personally was struggling. I was going in my own loops. And, you know, it's not just. I'm like, this is the reality. It's not just that you're struggling in relationships. It's not just with your partner or your boyfriend or the dating world or the fact that you can't meet anybody or any of that. Like, it's also your work, your friends, your stress, your health, your mental health, your physical health. Like, every variable plays into the struggle. And what you guys don't see, which we're gonna get further into, you see the highlight reel, but you guys don't see when I wake up at 3am or when I wake up in the morning crying, stressed. And it was funny because I was talking to a friend of mine. I was talking to Sean Galanos, and I love Sean, and he and I were talking about. He was like, I've been waking up really sad in the mornings, and then it gets better throughout the day. And for a lot of people, it was, you should take a medicine, you should take this. And it's like, if that works for you, cool. Didn't for me. And what we realized was, like, no, it was blood sugar, which is why we had Dr. Sarazal on, for us to talk about other aspects of Anxiety, the physiological component, and it was blood sugar. And then we started to realize, too, like, for me, at least, I was waking up with this panic, with this anxiety. And then it was like, okay, well, what are my choices? I could wake up and I could let the days go by, and I could be in my shit, and I could be crying all day. Day, and I could be stewing in it, or I can look and say, what do I have control over? And so now Ryan and I tried to interject more joy in the day. Like, we. The other morning, I woke up, like, really sad. I was just feeling it. I was feeling down. I'm going through some stuff with friends. I'm just. Life, right?
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Like.
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And again, this isn't. I don't share any of this with. Because I'm like, ooh, where's this world's smallest violin give me credit. No, it's because that's real. And that's actually part of the study. What I wanted to share with you guys of, like, the reason that I share a lot of things is it actually makes people feel less alone. So let's go over something I want to talk about called the struggle paradox. The harder you fight it, the worse it gets. And that's why just think positive makes often things worse. And so this was actually really interesting. There's something called the white bear problem. And so Wagner's thought Suppression Studies, 1987, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Which, by the way, if you guys want the studies, I'm gonna give them to you. Sometimes I might forget to say them, but I am all about making sure that the science and the data match up. So before I even tell you the study, do you know how one of you guys asked me, how do I stop thinking about this? How do I stop? How do I stop? How do I stop? And what do I always tell you, Gu? Don't try to stop doing it. Instead, get curious. And so this is the white bear problem. When they were told, don't think of a white bear, people thought about it two times more than the control group, which means that fighting thoughts can amplify them. And one of you guys had asked, I can't stop thinking about him, even though he doesn't care. What's happening is your brain treats oppression as a threat. And the harder you try not to think about them, the more your brain flags it as important danger to monitor. You're not weak. This is literally how your brain works. And the reason that I always am saying, let's actually give yourself the time to Process this. Because more often than not, they're loops. I had my client the other day, and I said, okay, let's challenge the loops. I was like, tell me, what are you scared of? And as we started to debunk, debunk. And he said, no, no, she was just the love of my life, and I just miss her. And I said, so wait, let me ask you this. I said, the love of your life does. And I started listing it off, and he left. And I was like, okay, so what's funny? And he was like, you're fucking right. He was like, I've been holding on to this narrative, this story, and we worked through it. We worked through it. It was a few sessions, but really what it was, when we start to say things, right? Of like, I'm never going to find anybody. I have to stop thinking about them. I have to move on. I have to get over it. You're just letting your brain know this is a really dangerous threat that we need to get through. And your brain's like, oh, okay, I don't know what to do. It's really dangerous. Well, then we should probably think about it even more and 20 times more, because it's how I'm going to keep you safe. So here's a tool. It's called the paradox prescription. So I want you to set a timer for 10 minutes daily. And during that, I want you to obsessing hard. I want you to write about them. I want you to stalk their social media. I want you to completely spiral. I want you to lose your. I'm talking. You could cry. You have. I don't care. Because when the timer is done and it ends, when the timer goes off, what actually happens is it. It hits your prefrontal cortex. So it turns on that part of your brain that you're like, whoa, wait, what's going on? And the reason it works is because, one, it gives your brain the processing time it craves. So if you're struggling, whatever you're struggling with, I used a specific example of I can't get over somebody or I. That doesn't mean that you have to be single in order to do this. It could be your boss is being an asshole. It could be your sister's being rude. It could be your mom is being a whatever it is. Because then what this also does, it contains the obsession instead of it being an all d a leak. And then your brain learns it will get its fix, and then it calms down. And here's the best part. Research has shown that scheduled Worry time actually reduces intrusive thoughts by 35%. That is really epic. 35%. If I can reduce my brain and where it goes. So that's why we. I continue to say, don't fight it. Like, I've told you guys the story before. If you've listened. When Ryan and I met, I had another guy I was dating, and I had ended it with that guy. And I felt really guilty that I was thinking about him. With Ryan, I was like, why do I keep thinking about this other guy? And instead of me being like, stop it, stop it, stop it. I remember one day I was like, okay, allow it. And I thought about him, and the thought passed. And then I went on with my day. And then the next day, a thought about him came. I allowed it. It passed. And then what happened? 1, 2, 3. All of a sudden, a few days later, I started realizing I'm not thinking about him anymore because I was able to allow my brain to be like, okay, I'm not ruminating. Which, don't worry, babies. We're doing an episode for you on, like, the difference between ruminating and spiraling and processing. I wasn't ruminating. I wasn't holding onto this narrative and core belief and going over and over and over again in it. I was allowing to say, okay, so I liked this guy. He was cool.
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That's it.
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I don't have to do anything about it. Because then my brain's like, oh, this isn't a threat. She's just allowed to have this thought. And you are. And so let me be the reminder. You're allowed to process and feel and experience all of these things. This is why I'm also going through this about why we're struggling because we're not really taught how to deal with it.
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This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. Do you guys feel like your money just disappears every month? Because sometimes I go in and I'm wondering what happened. It's easier than ever to overspend. That could be subscriptions piling up, impulse buys after you see an ad on your phone ordering takeout a few times a month. Whoops, sorry. But I love it because Rocket Money helps you rein it in by showing you where your money is going and helping you make better decisions so you can keep more money in your pocket. Baby, I love Rocket Money. They helped me find four subscriptions that I was double paying for for absolutely no reason. That way, I could can take control of my finances even more and save for the future that I'm trying to build. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spend, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over 880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. Their 10 million members save up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Now, baby. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com Sabrina today again, that's RocketMoney.com Sabr One more time, babes. RocketMoney.com Sabrina There was also something called the acceptance data.
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So Hay's ACT research in 2006 saw that accepting difficult emotions reduces their intensity by 50 fucking percent. Let me say that again. Accepting difficult emotions reduces their intensity by 50%. You're not fighting them. You're not fixing them. You're just acknowledging and saying, this sucks. And that's okay. That was also part of. I was doing a video today earlier of like, emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence. And part of that is knowing that you can hold two conflicting thoughts. You can say, this feels like, but I know I'll be okay just acknowledging it. That's why I'm saying, acknowledge your feelings. I'm feeling anxious today. Cool. You're not anxious. You're feeling anxious. I'm feeling sad. Great. I'm not fusing with the parts. I'm just feeling that part in me. And this was a question a lot of you guys asked. So let's get to it. How do I stop feeling so anxious about everything? You don't. And this is what you gotta understand. You gotta change your relationship to anxiety. Because people with anxiety disorders who accept anxiety as part of their life, not something to eliminate, have 40% better outcomes. The secret isn't that you stop struggling. It's that you stop fighting the struggle. I know for certain that my life has gotten a lot more peaceful when I stopped holding on to narratives and I allowed myself to just feel them. I didn't fight it. I didn't go. I was just saying, you know what? Because here's the thing, here's the reality that no one has taught you about healing. Healing doesn't mean that you omit the emotions. Healing doesn't mean that you're no longer anxious or avoidant or disorganized or all of a sudden, now you are holier than thou. Heal means you learn to live with it. Healing means you expand your window of tolerance that you don't go from 0 to 100 or 100 to 0 because somebody says something. Healing means that you have accepted you for who the you are and that you are showing up authentically as that. And that you know that no matter what, you will be okay because you have you baby and you trust that you have your back. That is healing. So whoever taught you any other has been selling you a false bill of goods. And you know what? By the time this comes out, it would have been, you know, a month later. But let's talk about it. This is why I highly suggest you guys to be very careful the content you ingest. If anybody has been following about the Sadia Khan situation, again, don't know the woman from Adam. I don't know her personally at all. But I've always been saying her content is incredibly misogynistic. It's really, really toxic. It's teaching you how to be like an escort. This isn't treating you and teaching you how to be in a healthy and secure relationship. And sure enough, what happened? It came out that this woman is the antithesis of everything she says been a mistress, she's been a guy behind her partner's back. She treats people poorly, she puts people down. She's incredibly abusive and narcissistic with her language. And look at that. Look at that. These are the people that are going around telling you how to be and don't care about this and don't do this because these are people that are not being honest. Because when we also acknowledge that other people are struggling, then we create a safe space where that is normalized and we are no longer telling people that there's something wrong with them because they're struggling and they're sad because that is okay because you're human in so be careful the content you ingest. So let's go into why you can't just do it. So this was really interesting because a lot of you guys ask of like, I know what I need to do, but yet I can't seem to do it. Your brain is in hot verse cold states. And so that's the gap between knowing and doing. And this was new for me. So Hot verse Cold Brain States is a Lowenstein research from 1996. So it shows that we make plans in cold states when we're calm, but we need to execute them in hot states when we're emotional. And that is different brain regions that are active. So that's like making a grocery list when you're full and then shopping when you're starving. And I think it's really Interesting, because you guys had asked. I know what I should do, but I literally can't when the moment comes. And that's because the you who makes the plans and the U who has to execute them are neurologically different people. You're not failing. That's just being human. Your brain is being human. How many times, how many times have you made plans? Have you said something and you're on the couch and you're like, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I don't want to do it. Why did I say this? Because when you're in a calm, cool things of like, oh yeah, that sounds like fun, right? You're not in the moment, you're not feeling the emotions. You might not. You might think the future you versus like, I just did this, that I had future you was telling me you're going to New York. Do not book anybody. When you get back, do not make a podcast. Do not do anything. And I know that when I get back, my hot brain is going to be so happy because I'm going to be in the Sunday scary. Then I'm going to be in the sad. I'm going to be, oh my God, I just got home. I don't want to do anything. I just want to relax. I'm so tired. But that's when I know I'm like, okay, so in my hot brain, I'm also going to be able to make the same choice in my cold brain because I know myself. And so here's a tool, it's called state dependent planning. So I want you to make plans while you're triggered. And what I mean by that is like, I don't need you to go and fucking be like hyper ventilating on the floor, but maybe intentionally trigger yourself mildly, like look at their photo or remember a situation. You know, remember the situation. Remember something that made you. So, like if you're going through a breakup or you liked somebody and your friend says like, hey, do you want to go to dinner tomorrow? And in a calm state you might be like, yeah, that sounds great. And then the next day comes and you're spiraling and you're ruminating now. So instead look at this person's photo that makes you really sad and angry or mad or whatever, right? Any of that. Not something, like I said that I don't want you to lose your. And then make the action plan while you have this feelings because your hot brain will remember what your hot brain created. This actually improves the follow through by 60% because you're planning from the state that you will be in. Isn't that really interesting? I actually, this is like, these are the science and the studies and the data that I find really fascinating because I was going through this with TECA yesterday as we were conceptualizing and like, one thing about me, I spend three to four hours per episode planning and prepping and making sure all my studies and my questions and we have a flow. I take this so seriously and I do so because I know that my life matters and that your life matters. And I know that I need to be responsible for not my only my life, but yours as well. And so I'm really excited about these types of tools and modalities. And we're only going to keep progressing from here because I'm tired of just, you know, drink some water or 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and get out of bed. It's like, okay, what else is there? And this was. I wanted to talk about a different thing. It's research called ambiguous loss. This fascinated me and I think is really clear as to why a lot of us are struggling more than we might even believe that other people. People are.
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This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Ah, did you guys know October 10th is actually world Mental Health Day. And although that might have passed, I still want to take a moment to thank therapists, to thank everybody that is showing up and helping make the world a better place. I know for me, my journey started on Better health. I started 2018 when I was going through the worst breakup I have ever experienced in my life. And I knew I needed to do something different. And I met the most incredible therapists on BetterHelp. And to this day, I still work with therapists on BetterHelp. And the reason why is because they have a therapist match commitment, which is so incredible. They do the initial matchmaking work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You just do a short questionnaire. It helps identify your needs and preferences. And the best part, if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. Babes. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapist who have helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you. Better Help. Can you start that journey? Our listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Sabrina Again, that's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com Sabrina this episode is sponsored by SKIMS. I love SKIMS because I'll be honest with you guys. Before skims, underwear was kind of just like an afterthought to me. If it wasn't something super sexy and high end that was probably not going to stay on for long, I would just focus more on what I was wearing on the outside, thinking about like the great new dress that I have versus what was under it. And it was actually my sister who turned me onto skims. She told me she's like, these fits, everybody's thongs are unreal. And so she got them for me for the holidays and I have loved them ever since. And now, now I won't stop. I love the fits. Everybody dipped front thong. I've been raving about it. I love it because the fabric is insanely stretchy, soft and supportive. It hugs in all the right places without digging in. And it's become a staple in my closet and drawer, honestly, because I feel like I'm wearing nothing yet I still feel super confident and put together. That's exactly what we you are out on a date. Or just, you know, maybe Netflix and chilling. Guys, shop my favorite bras and underwear@skims.com after you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show, the Sabrina Zohar show in the dropdown menu that follows.
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And someone said I grieve harder when my dog died than when relationship ended. Am I broken? No, not at all. So this is where ambiguous loss explains this perfectly. And not to mention to me, dogs are better than people. And I, I sure know how you feel after losing Clem. And boy oh boy, I don't need to cry today, but I get it. So with your dog, the loss is clear, they're gone. And so you're grieving that. But with a relationship, especially in the modern day with the Internet and stuff, you get emotional absence with physical presence. They're there, but they're not really, or they're gone, but they're still watching your stories or whatever. So your brain can't properly grieve unclear losses. And that ambiguity keeps you stuck. And that's why I loved it. And Pauline Boss also talks about how we experience micro losses constantly. So we're grieving seven to 10 things daily, whether it be the life we thought we had, the person we thought we'd be, the day we planned that didn't happen. We're all in a constant low level grief that we don't even realize. And I find that really interesting because you know when you see people and you're like, I Don't know. I'm just. Yeah, I'm okay. There's nothing like, major and it's like, maybe it's something small and minute. Maybe you were late to your potty's class and couldn't get in that day and so you're like, it's not the end of the world. But I am kind of bummed because I was trying to be on top of things and I'm normally like, not as responsible with time and it was really right. So you're starting to grieve things that don't look like major losses. This is also why clear endings, even if they're painful, feel better than being left on red or ghosted. Because your brain needs clarity to process and move forward. And so if you don't have that, that's going to be really tough. And I have some tools for you. But I even wanted to just go off and say, like, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. If you feel like no contact is really tough or you're struggling right now, just being right, just grieving, mourning, right, accepting, acknowledging there's nothing wrong with you, that's really part of your brain now. What we're trying to understand is like, how do we rig the system? System? It's not about how do you change your. Can't change the way your brain processes things necessarily. I mean, not to my knowledge. It's rewiring in a different level. But what we can do is we can give you tools and modalities that can help. So while you're in them, as opposed to reading all this stuff on TikTok, that's just like, just get over them. And you're like, thanks for the toxic positivity. So when you're spiraling, this is actually my favorite tool. It's called the 72 Hour Reality Check. Before you pursue anyone, I want you to try this first. I want you to rate your urgency to be with them. Is it a 1 through 10? If you're like, that's a 1, I don't need to be with them right now. Now, okay, if it's above a 7, that's your trauma talking. And I need you to wait 72 hours and then you reate. Because real attraction can wait. Trauma bonding feels urgent. You feel like you need it right now. I need to have the answer. I need everything in this moment. Whereas when it's a real connection that doesn't have an immediate urgency. So start to take a little bit of a temperature check on yourself when something feels like, it's really big, it's really heavy. Start to rate it. Like, how badly do I need this person? What do I need? If it's above a seven, even a six, that's your trauma. So then maybe you could sit your ass down and do something for you baby, to bring yourself back home. And I. It's actually funny somebody commented or rated the podcast, which, by the way, thank you for everyone who does that. Thank you guys for rating and reviewing and leaving really beautiful comments. Again, for the people that want to talk, it's like, that's okay. You're entitled to your opinions. You're allowed to say that I speak too fast and I curse a lot. And I'm allowed to tell you to off. I'm allowed to say, too bad. That's who I am. Right? Like, isn't that beautiful that every action has a reaction action. But thank you. But someone actually commented on Apple saying on a review being like, I love this show because she's not just helping you on, on relationships, she's helping you to understand yourself, to come back home. And that's the crux of it. Why do you think so much other work doesn't work? When you listen to certain podcasts and things and you do all the work, you do all this because what they're doing is they're teaching you how to conform, to get someone to like you or to be. To get an outcome. I'm teaching you to come back home so that you're not struggling as much. And even if you are, you have your back because when you come home to you, it's going to be a lot harder for people to fuck with you as much. And so something interesting, a lot of people are fucking struggling right now and everyone looks better than you, but they aren't. And that's like this great performance. And so there was actually a study. It's called the visibility bias. People post achievements five times more than their struggles. And that was Pew Research in 2018. So you see 500 wins for one loss shared. So your feed is literally 500 to one and it's skewed towards success because one of you guys asked. Everyone seems to have their together except me. They don't. A LinkedIn survey from 2020 found 85% of people admitted to lying on media about their satisfaction. 85% of people and the other 15% are probably lying about lying. We're all comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. And that's like comparing your rough draft to a published book. There's a reality here, y'.
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All.
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And, like, I get it. I compare myself. I've done that. Where I'm like, I don't understand. Why does this person have more likes? Why do they have more followers? Why is their stuff doing better? But you know what that's doing? That's just bringing me down. To try to understand what this person is doing. Doing. And here are some fun facts. The Sunday Scaries affect 81% of people in the workforce. That was a LinkedIn study. The average adult cries five to six times per month and high anesthesia. 92% of people ruminate about past relationships, and 73 text their ex within six months of a breakup. So, no, you're not a snowflake. I know it feels like you might be, but the reality is a lot of people are going through a struggle right now. A lot of people just don't talk about it. Just because you look at your friend and you're like, but their relationship is amazing. You don't know what that's like. You don't know all these people posting on social of like, I met my love of my life and their everything. It's like, you don't know what happens when they get home. You don't know what this person's like. You just see the version that they want you to believe, and then you're comparing yourself to their best and your worst. So if you want, like, a reality inventory, list three things that you didn't post about or talk about that were hard this week. And then I want you to realize that everyone has a hidden list. Because for every success you see online, assume 10 struggles behind it. And that's also why on Instagram, I've been posting letters to little me almost every day now at this point, because you guys love them, and I love them, too. I've been posting about my experiences, or I find an old photo of myself and I talk to myself. I write a letter, I share, because I want you guys to also see I'm struggling. And it's interesting because when the podcast name change happened, which I haven't said that in a minute, and I was really open about my struggles, some people loved it and some people didn't. They didn't like the fact that someone else was struggling, and they wanted to look and say, no, but you should be my guru. You should be going through nothing. But then that makes you feel more alienated. So actually, somebody had asked, how do I stop comparing myself to others? You don't. Comparison is actually automatic. That's your brain. So brain imaging has shown it happens in milliseconds. So instead, you change what you can. Compare. Compare. So compare your today to your yesterday, not to there today. Compare your gray throat, not your position. Compare your effort, not your outcomes. So instead of me looking at this one per creator and being like, she has more stuff and I don't, what I look and say is, am I proud of what I made? Did I show up today? And I posted yesterday and today, instead of comparing myself, I'll say, you know what? I only can compare my best to my best. Is this my best? Yes. Well, then, baby, you're doing it. If not, that's okay. Okay too.
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C
This episode is sponsored by Curlsmith. I gotta be honest with you guys. Curlsmith has become a staple not only in our house, in our family. Now, tech guy Ryan, he has such curly hair.
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B
I thought I had curly hair.
- [26:35]
C
His are ringlets. And so we gave his mama some product and now she's obsessed. She won't stop buying it. Same with Ryan. And you know what's changed the game for everybody? The weightless air dry cream. We went to a wedding this weekend. Ryan showered, put it in. I put it in. Both of our hair looked so incredible. And duh, makes sense because it's their most loved leave in conditioner. It's super lightweight, but also really hydrating. And it's made with hyaluronic acid, Wild Maru Maru butter and babassu oil. So it soothes, detangles, and locks in moisture truly without ever feeling heavy. If you're ready to embrace your natural curls, baby, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and we know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10% off your first purchase. Purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty.
- [27:27]
B
Before we get into tools, let me be a little bit more vulnerable with you guys. I cry all the time. I get sad. I have fights with my family. I have friendship issues. My partner and I get into little tiffs. There are times I wake up going, would it be easier for me not to be here? What if I just, like, didn't take a breath? And what if, like, that was it, right? It just. The pain stopped. I'm not taking my life, Like, I'm not talking in those type of contexts, but it's really normal for some days for you to be like, dude, I can't fucking do this, or I'm really, really struggling. Like, I wanted to normalize that because I think for a long time, like, I was the friend. I was the friend that, like, always had something or was always struggling. And I remember even some of my friends being like, hey, man, like, I don't live like this. And then I felt alienated. I felt disconnected from these people. And what I've realized now was like, that's okay, right? Like, that I just wasn't necessarily maybe processing things as well. But that didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to be struggling. That didn't mean that just because other people don't have it, it's like, sure, it could be worse. And it's like. And it could be better, right? Like, there's no reason to compare ourselves to other people. Like, I'm so tired of hearing, well, at least you don't have that of this. Or, you know, well, other people have it worse. It's like, but that we don't need to invalidate your experience. You're allowed to say that you're struggling, and that's okay. We need to stop Pollyanna ing this, that everything on Instagram and Tik Tok has to be polished and perfect. That's why you feel disconnected, because you don't have real. You don't have somebody that's actually saying, no, it's really hard to do this, or, no, who the told you this is going to be easy? And then we wonder why we're struggling, struggling. So someone had asked. Nothing works. I've tried everything. You've tried everything from your logical brain. Maybe we can try doing a body first approach, which is why I talk about somatics all the time. Can you grab an ice cube? Can you put cold water in your wrist, on your neck? Can you put your hands in cold water for 30 seconds? So that activates the mammalian dive response, which forces parasympathetic activation and reduces pain in under 60 seconds. That's why we say cold plunges, I bet. Put your hands in water and ice cubes. Sour candy, do something. Another question was. And I wanted to hit pain points, right? I wanted to hit, like, what you guys are to trying, struggling with. How do I stop myself from texting them or stalking their social media urge surfing urges. Okay, so here's a tool. When you feel the urge, I want you to set a timer for 20 minutes. I don't want you to fight it. I want you to watch it like a wave. I want you to notice, like, here we go. And tell yourself, after the timer, after the timer, after the timer. I do this with even my clients for 2, 3 minutes. 90% of the time the urge passes before the timer ends. That's what I mean by you're allowed to sit there. And even if you're like I wanna, I wanna fucking go insane and you're fucking hitting your chair, I don't care.
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C
Care.
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B
But you're doing something. You're allowing yourself to feel into process. You're not always looking for the external. And another question was I'm exhausted but can't stop scrolling at night. So this is actually something called revenge bedtime procrastination. So your brain is trying to reclaim freedom when you, your days feel out of control. So Instead give yourself 30 minutes of whatever I want time at like 8 o' clock instead of midnight. Because then your, your brain is going to get its autonomy hit earlier, but it's going to reduce the late night rebellion by up to 70%. And that was a study. And then one of the other questions I wanted to hit. How long until I stop feeling this way? Well, here's the real thing. No one tells you. So it's gonna be 21 days for acute symptoms to peak, not end to peak. Then it's gonna be 90 days for new neural pathways. Which is why we say do something for three months, create a pattern, create a routine. But then it could be six months for full act attachment system rewiring. And I also just wanna be realistic. It could be for anything. It doesn't mean that, oh well, I had a two month relationship, I'm not allowed to take six months. It's like it could have been a one month job job. It could have been a new friend, it could have been a family member, it could be something that's 10 years. It's going to take you time it took you this long to create these pathways. What makes you think that it's going to happen overnight? Because if that was the reality, then I would be out of a job because you guys would be doing this without me. And the reality is like struggling isn't the problem, hiding it is. And these were the studies I was really excited to share. And I hope whoever's still listening is enjoying these with me. So the connection we're missing. And so there's something called the shared reality research. So shared difficult experiences actually create stronger bonds than shared positive ones. But here's the problem. Problem. We're all hiding our fucking struggles so we can't bond over them. And then there was something called the vulnerability connection. This was fucking fascinating. Vulnerability increases oxytocin and creates bonding 40% faster than positive sharing. So your struggle stories are actually building connection. And here's the stat that blew my fucking mind. When someone shares something vulnerable, the listener stress dropped by 23% because they realize that they're not alone. You're sharing your struggles literally calms other people's nervous systems system. And that's also why I laugh when people are like, I listen to your podcast and it made me anxious. It's like, no, no, no, I didn't make you anxious. You were feeling anxious and this exacerbated it because of what I was saying. But actually, if you stopped, you were dysregulated when you walked in. If you stopped and listened. When I share my stories and stuff, it'll actually make you feel more seen, more heard, more understood. Because you realize I'm not alone when you feel so alone. That's because everyone's pretending we're all struggling or just keeping it a secret or making each other and making each other feel more alone. And the cure isn't to stop strugg, stop hiding the struggle. And so maybe even in the comments, you guys can share, like, what is something that you're struggling with? What is a challenge? What is something? And then maybe you can even go through others and be like, hey, I have this too. You're not alone. Or, I loved this book. Or this episode of the Sabrina Zohar Chef helped me. What can we do to support each other? And which is also why I'm saying, like, I am done. I'm just making this claim right now. I'm done with the bullying. I am done with the trolling, and I am done with the fucking. If you don't have something nice to say, then find another group. Don't worry, there are plenty of Reddit chains that you can get lost in. I don't have the time and the patience for people that are miserable and that are projecting their misery onto other people because we are all struggling. If you don't have something nice to say, then find another group. But stop attacking people on the Internet and on different forums and in different places because you're unhappy with your life and I want you to take away that. Your struggle doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're a fucking human. Human. Every tool I gave you, it works because it stops fighting. You stop fighting reality and you start working with it. Right? The time for obsession, the cold water, the urge surfing. They all accept that struggle is happening instead of pretending it shouldn't be. But the most important thing is that you're not alone in any of this. Because the person you're comparing to, you're. They're struggling too. That fucking Instagram reel that looks all perfect. They're struggling. They're seeing their own therapist. The couple that seems perfect. They had the same fight you did last night. We're all struggling. The only difference is that some of us have stopped pretending. And it's normal, baby. It's normal. You're not childish for having someday scaries. You're not up because you're late night scrolling. It's not self sabotage. You're trying to find freedom. Your grief about your dog being worse than a breakup, that's ambiguous loss. That's real. That's real. The real is I feel left out. I feel lost. I feel like my friends don't actually care about me. I feel like I'm never going to meet anybody. Those are real. Whatever your struggles are, your feelings are real. They might be fat and not be fat facts, but I am just so tired of us pretending this toxic positivity of, like, only show the highlight reels and show how happy you are and show how much money you make and show the relation. Show all of the beautiful. But then we wonder why we feel so alone when we don't see the other side. Because that was my entire journey. That's why I'm here. That's why I started this podcast, was because I felt alone. And I felt like, why am I the only one? Why am I. I feel like the baby. I'm always telling people how I'm struggling. And then I realized, no, that was actually really beautiful. I was taking care of myself. I was protecting myself and I was being honest. Because instead of pretending and doing this, that's why I say, like, I'm not changing the way I talk. I'm not changing the cadence of my voice. You can slow the show down if you want to. It is not my job to make your struggle easier. When I'm also struggling in finding my voice, figuring out who I am. Right? We all sit here and say, we're not struggling. So do you think any of us are in this, like, high castle feeling not much better? Just because we have some stuff sorted. We also have other issues that come come up. I have self esteem issues that get triggered every time someone writes a mean comment. And that's why I'm saying what's in my control. I could sit and cry all day and woe is me, but instead I say it. I'm gonna get the up. I'm gonna fight for another day and I'm gonna be honest with myself on how I'm feeling and other people. So other people feel less alone. Because that's what I needed and that's what my little needed is to feel like you are not struggling alone. Because as a kid, I thought I was the only one with a up family. I thought I was the only one with all this stuff. And then as an adult, I was like, oh my God, no one else has anxiety, no one else is struggling and I dating. And then this community made me realize we are. Nobody was just talking about it. I'm really proud of you guys. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to share my struggles. And I didn't even really share that many of them because that's my own core belief. Sometimes when I get personal, some people will comment of like, I don't need a five minute intro, thanks. And it's like, then find another show. I can't just be myself. I can't just make an episode I want without you guys not listening. Right? Like, these are my struggles and. But do I make that your problem? No, I don't deal with it. I internalize it. I then sit with it, I process it and I release it so I can show up differently. But I'm not gonna hide that that's what I'm going through. Because why would I imagine if I just kept being like, my podcast is doing amazing and I'm really rich and my relationship's perfect and my family is amazing, you'd be like, oh, so there's something wrong with me then? And it's like, no. I have a lot of beautiful things in my life. I have so many amazing things, not just my skin, that I'm really grateful for. And I'm focusing on that now. I'm focusing on that part of my life. I'm focusing on giving that my attention and I'm focusing on being real with you guys. And I hope that this episode made you feel a little less alone, makes you feel like you are part of a family that really gives a fuck about you. And I hope that if you're struggling right now, that you know that you are protected and guided and that no one is alone as long as you're in this family. So, guys, thank you as always. Please don't forget rate review the show if you want to join a course, work one on one, ask a question, whatever you guys need. Everything's a link in show notes. And if you guys need anything, I'M always here. Please don't forget speak with kindness. Like I said, if you guys want to slow the show down you can manually do that. You want to ad free you can purchase that and if not it's a free free resource and you can enjoy it for what it is or you don't have to tune in. That's okay but I'm just I'm learning to ask for my needs too and so that's what I'm asking is just a community where we can support each other because y' all we have enough hate in in the world we don't need more. So guys thank you for everything. Don't forget to follow along on the socials. Thank you for putting these into Facebook groups. Even if you just comment a heart it means the world. So until next time my babes I will see you soon and please don't forget to share what are your struggles and how can we support you through them. Until next time.