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The Sabrina Zohar Show
170: Is It Your Intuition or Anxiety? How to Tell the Difference & Trust Your Gut
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Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first, there, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. It's Friday, our favorite day, and today we are talking about something really major. You guys ask about this almost every fucking day. So we're doing it. Is it your intuition or your attachment wound? Ugh. Or as we like to say, is it anxiety or a gut, Whatever the fuck, however we're going to talk about it. We had Masha on episode four to talk about it. And so I think it's time to revisit, refresh the conversation. So we're gonna get into all of it and what you could do and how to differentiate. And babies, just know. I got you. As always, if you guys need anything, feel free. Sabrinazor.com you can work one on one, ask a question, join the course. We have got you, babes. There's a free guides. Feel free, go and download it. And as always, please don't forget, rate, review the show, leave a comment, even if it's just a heart. Leave a five star review, put it in your Facebook group, share it with a friend. That's the only way I grow. Babes. We are doing this together and I am still so freaking grateful for you. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? We're back for another week, babes, and I take what you guys write in as always. Again, Sabrina, the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram. If you want to be part of the conversation, you wanna leave questions and comments and things like that for the episodes. But I really take a lot of what you guys ask and share and that's how I create the episodes. And so please note, you guys are not alone. I can't tell you how many people say, I don't trust my gut. I don't know how to read it. How do I know if it's my intuition or not? And I think that's all really real. So we're gon to go through all of that because that was a journey I kind of went through. And I'm going to give you some new studies and some data to kind of understand how your brain works in a little bit of a different way. But before we get started, guys, I hope that you guys loved the Sarah's all episode because now that I have found out so Guess what? I did a Dutch test, because, like I said, I'm updating you guys on what's happening in my life. I did a Dutch test, and I found out that my free cortisol is, frankly speaking, fucked. And I then realized, like, because Dr. Sarah and I were talking and Dr. Tori, who I work with, and I were talking and kind of looking through, and they're like, so this is the markers that we see with people with high depression. And the free cortisol that my body wasn't dumping is causing me to wake up in a panic, is causing me to feel disregulated all day, is causing me to feel really sad and down and hyperfocused. And I knew that it was more. And that's why I say to you guys, like, I hope you loved that episode. I want to evolve the conversation. It's not just tell me about your mom and dad and this person's doing this. It must be this. Like, there are other things at play. I am so grateful that I found that out. Is it annoying? Yeah. Nobody wants to have to do a million tests. But I'm so happy because I was tired of being gaslit by people and telling me, oh, you're just. You just eat an antidepressant. No, I don't. Some people do. I don't. That didn't work for me. I was even on a supplement, and it gave me too much dopamine, which is why I was starting to, like, go on a spiral and loop, because too much of a good thing is also not great for us. So, guys, please don't underestimate your health, please. And, you know, that kind of even led me into, you know, I'll share a story. Is it intuition or your anxiety? And I think it's something that I really value and I think about often because I don't ever want to pop off on somebody if it's not actually anything that they did. But I also want to hold people accountable. And, you know, by the time I record this, or I'm recording now, by the time this comes out, it's obviously a couple weeks past this situation. But Ryan and I, the other night, like, we had a conversation that I wasn't sure if it was going to end the relationship or not. Not because anyone said anything or did anything, but because we were finally being really, really transparent about the stuff that we have in our relationship. And so what does that even mean? And what I mean by that was we were out to dinner, and I made a comment, and he said something back that was really hurtful. He didn't even realize it. It was so innocent and it was so something that just like passed right over his head. And that's. In that moment I had to look and say, is this my intuition or is this my anxiety? And instead of reacting, I took space. And that is the number one thing that I want everyone to fucking learn. You don't owe anybody that response, that reaction, that immediate. You don't. The reason you take space is to give yourself a moment to come into your body and go like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's happening? And so when that happened, and I'm giving you the practice of this before we've even gone into it, so please listen to the rest. But typically speaking what happens is so I could have gone and been like, what the fuck does that mean? And start screaming, you don't even care about me. You don't even love me. But instead I stopped and I just said, wow, that really hurt. And I validated my experience just off the bat. That was really painful. That felt really shitty. That didn't feel great. And then I listened to my reality, my narrative and what I said. The first thing I thought in my head was then why the fuck am I here? And I had to stop. And I really stopped. And I said, sab, what's the story? What's the narrative that you're creating? And I just tapped into my body and this is while I'm sitting there and I told Ryan, I said, just give me a second. I just sat there and I said, I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. You're allowed to do that, by the way. You're allowed to say, just give me a second. My brain, I couldn't even look at him. My brain was. I was scanning for safety constantly. I was looking everywhere just to be like, okay, I need to get away from the tiger. But really what it was was, no, no, no, I need to face it. I need to face this. Cuz it's not mom or dad, this is my partner and we deserve to have a conversation. And I stopped and I started noticing in my body that my chest was tightening. And I was like, okay, what's happening there? And I just said, I think I need to speak up because that's really hurtful. And I feel like I'm being taken for granted. And I said, okay, do we have facts to back that up? And I had about 20. And so I said to him, I need to share something with you that was really hurtful. What you Said, and then we continued on the conversation. And we had a four hour conversation. And we both said, let's sleep on it. We woke up, we continued the conversation. We haven't stopped having the conversation because our relationship, relationship means a lot. And so why would we only have one time? And then just be like, that's it. And I hear that all the talking time, you guys will be like, well, we talked about it once, and it's like, oh, okay. And then we wonder why it's not rectified. And the difference being is that in the past he said things and I might be like, what a fucking asshole. I knew I wasn't good enough. I knew he was gonna leave me. You start to see how I was creating a narrative, and instead I was like, no, I'm gonna get back into my body and I'm gonna understand what's coming up for me. And I think that's the critical part here, is giving you guys even a real life example of in the moment I could have popped up, the relationship could have been over because I could have gone right back into the attachment. Like, we talked about protest behaviors. Let's loop it back full circle. I could have protested, and instead I said, I get to make a choice here. And when I was reading in the questions that you guys had written in, someone had asked and said, I left three good guys because my gut said they'd hurt me. Now I'm with someone who actually hurts me, and my gut says to stay, what the fuck is wrong with me? You want the truth? Nothing is wrong with you. There is nothing fucking wrong with any of you. Your gut is not broken. It's just listening to the wrong system. Your body isn't asking, is this person safe? It's asking, is this person familiar? And today you're going to learn to tell the difference and what it actually feels like in your body in real time. How to retrain your intuition so it works for you and not against you. Because really, if you guys knew, I wish you knew more often than not. 99.999% of the time on my sessions and when I'm working with clients, a good portion of it and I end up asking is, do you trust yourself? Do you trust yourself that no matter what, you'll be okay? And the answer being no is also okay. Like, can we just leave space that it's all right if you tell me right now? Like, no, I don't trust myself. And it's like, it's okay. I think that can take time. So let's Talk about why your gut lies, why you think your gut lies. So there's something called the accuracy problem. And it was a 2020 study. So they tracked. It was Joel et al. They tracked 11,000 couples, and they found that gut feelings about relationships were right only 51% of the time, which is basically a fucking coin flip. But here's the interesting part. They found secure people hit 71. Accuracy. Anxious dropped to 34%. So your attachment style literally biases your gut. And do we even ask why? Because you were never really taught to trust yourself. Like, at least for me, I. I'm gonna go. Personal experience. I grew up in a very chaotic household, so why would I trust my gut if I'm like, no, let's even back it up? And here I go, off with my ADHD brain. I told you guys on another episode about the. In the caveman days that if there was a noise outside and you thought, it's fine. I'll just. It's fine. I'm gonna be. It's. I'll be okay. There's nothing out there. And then a tiger walks in and you're dead versus your body always just being like, hey, let's protect. And so when we go into that, it might not actually be your gut reaction that is feeling that. It might still be your anxious attachment style that is feeling this. And that's why. Because we're hypervigilant and we're looking for cues, and when we don't know how to read the external, then that's why we might not be accurate on what our gut is feeling, because we might not be picking up from it. And secure. What does intu. Like when we really look at, like, the North Star, right? What does secure intuition feel like? Like a secure anchor. It's calm, secure. People don't assume danger at every pause. It's so interesting. We were. I was at a lunch with my brother and his girlfriend, and she's quite secure. And we said something, and he was like, I don't know. I don't. Like, he's like, doesn't everybody think that people are full of shit and that they're going to be lied to? And I said, no. I said secure people, they don't assume the worst. They don't assume that they gather data over time instead of spiraling and like, one. Just because on one thing, their gut tells them, observe, not panic. And that's the goal, right? It's not perfection. It's just finding something a little steadier. And when I said that and his girlfriend, like, and he looked at her and he was like, is that true? And she was like, yeah. She was like, I don't have the baseline for me. She was like, I don't think that people are gonna hurt me. I don't think that I can't trust people. She was like, I don't think that. And that's because she wasn't taught that. That's what I mean. Like, there's nothing wrong with you. That just means that maybe no one taught you how to ever trust your gut. Because as a kid, maybe if you wanted to trust your gut of like, this doesn't feel good. But if you say that you got hit and you're like, oh, okay, so I'm not even allowed to say that. That's not even safe. So then who would have taught you to trust your gut? 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So go to Quince.com Sabrina for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. Guys, that's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Sabrina to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Again, Quince.com Sabrina then we have another study. It was called this distortion lens. So another to Fletcher in 2013. So anxious people rate neutral faces as 40% more negative. You're the neutral faces as 40% more negative dot you're not broken, baby, but you're perceiving these ghosts. You're seeing things that might not actually be there. And I know it. I've done that so many times with Ryan. We'll be like, are you sure you're okay? And he's like, yeah, babe, I'm literally doing something like, what is it? And I'm like, you're not mad at me? And he's like, what? How did I become mad at you suddenly? Because I not perceiving it for what it is, I'm perceiving it for what my nervous system is looking for. Right? I've told you guys this a million times. When you go looking for a problem, you'll find a problem like anything. I could go and find anything to fit the narrative that I'd like because the self fulfilling prophecy or confirmation bias. So this was an interesting study in 1998 done by Downey. So people who expect rejection create rejection 73% of the time with testing, jealousy or preemptive defensiveness. So now when we go start going and saying, I knew it, my gut knew it. No, you created that because of how we show up. And that's where I always have to say, what accountability are we taking for how we show up in the dating and navigating our this landscape? How are we showing up? What are we seeing things as? How are we perceiving things Again, this isn't that there's anything wrong with you. It's about challenging what it is that you're seeing. If you come to me and tell me that, see, look, I told you that was going to happen. I knew it. That's what always happens. Then what I'm going to tell you is you probably created that because 73% of the time that you anticipate rejection, it actually happens. That becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because look how you're showing up. Are you testing people? Are you trying to make them jealous or are you becoming jealous? Are you becoming defensive before they've even done anything? Those are the things that we want to look at because it's not always just about they did everything wrong or they're the ones that are the problem. It's also about us saying, well, how am I showing up? Because if I enter thinking it's not going to work, then I'm giving myself almost a 3 out of 4 chance that it fucking won't. That is the power of mindset. So one of you guys had asked. It always ends up being my intuition though, right? No, you often generate what you fear. And that's why I keep saying like I used to enter in and be like, nobody wants a relationship with me, nobody likes me. But I wasn't allowing things to grow. I had to be binary or they were linear or it was black and white. If you don't text me every day, then that means you don't like me. But I wasn't allowing things to naturally progress. And I was walking in saying, no one's ever gonna like me and they're gonna think I'm too anxious. I was perceiving the rejection before it could even happen. Then I was acting in to make it happen. Because guess what? Your brain loves. Your brain loves to be right. Your brain loves to keep you safe. So there was something else called the relationship loop, and it was from Overall and Sibley in 2009. So anxious, avoiding couples repeat the same dynamic 89% of the time across partners. But that's why I'm saying you're not just intuiting this person. You're recognizing an old dance. That's why we keep saying you fall back into the same shit. And so we need to start to look and say. So then that's not my intuition, that is my anxiety. Because my anxiety is keeping me in repetitive patterns and loops versus my intuition is for my highest good, when I really start to think. What's the difference between anxiety and intuition? Anxiety comes with a narrative. It comes with a bodily reactions. It comes with hyper, what was wrong with me? I knew they didn't like me. It comes with reaffirming your core beliefs versus your intuition. Could be this doesn't feel right, but I'll have a conversation with them. That's the difference. There's nothing wrong with someone for having anxious attachment style or maybe thinking that it might not work. But we then have to go, what facts do I have to back this up? Up? How familiar does this feel? Because I'm sick and tired of hearing, see, told you so. All avoidance are the worst. No, instead what we have to look and say is, whoa, maybe I am playing a part in why this dynamic keeps happening. And you know, I say that with love. This isn't about me putting anybody down. This is about me saying, let's own up to what we can. So let's talk about what's really happening here. So you kind of have two guts, by the way. So there was. Dunn did a study in 2010. We have two systems. So one gut reads the present and the other replays memories with trauma and memory dominates. So someone had asked, where do you feel intuition? So let's talk about the two. Real intuition, like I just said, is calm, is steady. It's usually kind of in the chest, heart area. You have to start to look at the physiology. Which is why we had Dr. Sarah on to talk about more than just the mind, there's the body. You also, by the way, which I learned recently. Cuz I work with a body work guy in San Diego, which if anyone ever needs, feel free to comment and I will send you his Instagram. He is amazing. He works on the nervous system. So he's in San Diego, but he comes to la. He works on the nervous system. Nervous system, your muscular nervous system. And so he helps to release. So like he'll even say, he'll be like, whoa, you're really activated. And I'm like, wow. And he's like, I'm like, but there's nothing happening. He's like, well, not to your body. So we have to remember we want to look at the physiology of it. And so think about this. If somebody were right now, if I were to say, do you like this song? And your response is nope, would you start to be like, no, but I don't have any good taste. That's why. Would you start to create this entire narrative and story? No. Versus, if we're talking that like wound driven, gut. It feels urgent, it feels tight. It's really in that stomach, solar plexus. Your breath feels shallow. It's really tough to feel present. And that's, I think, the big thing. Because more often than not our intuition, we use that all the time. Hey, do you like this on me? Nah, it's not the most flattering. Was that your anxiety or was that your gut intuition? Just being like, I'm being honest with my friend. I'm just telling you what naturally comes up. And so here's the spot check rule. If it feels urgent, like you need to act on it fucking immediately, that is your wound. Intuition brings clarity without urgency. Intuition. That's why I say it's very calming, it's very peaceful because you wake up one day. Or you might just say, that doesn't work for me, or no, thank you. That doesn't mean what comes after is easy. You might have that gut reaction going, I don't like the way this person's treating me. That doesn't mean that the decision coming after that might be an easy one. Having the gut reaction doesn't also mean that you're now super confident to act on it. But we got to start somewhere. Gotta start somewhere. This episode is sponsored by Curl Smith. You guys know I used to straighten my hair every single week in middle school. I mean, I don't know if I did a great job because I wanted to avoid dealing with my curls. I didn't know what to do with them. 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At Curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and baby. We know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10% off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Guys, I know that it's getting darker out quicker. The days are feeling a little dismal, but that doesn't mean that we have to give in to that. Seasons change, and when I lived in New York, I really struggled with that. And it can be a tough time for a lot of people. But this November, Better Help is encouraged, encouraging everyone to reach out. Whether that means you're checking in on a friend, a loved one, or someone that maybe you haven't seen in a while. And it's almost always leaves people wondering, man, why didn't I do this sooner? Or if you need the help, check out BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, better help is the one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally. I personally just match with a new therapist I am so excited about. Anytime I need her, I send a message. When she has the time, she responds back. In between our sessions and when we have our sessions, I feel like she's really on, she's really present, and I am so excited about sessions with her. So, guys, this month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take the first step, remember, our listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Sabrina again, that's betterhelp.com Sabrina so there's also something called an accuracy distortion. So this is Garfunkel and Critchley, which by the way, I don't have to give the study names if you guys don't want me to. I'm just going to to 12 and 16. Anxious people feel more but interpret worse. So they're real signals but wrong meanings. So it's like watching an HD screen but through a dirty screen. And that's also why I always have to say you're just because it's a feeling doesn't mean it's a fact. Just because. And I hear this every day. This is the epitome of the trap of anxious attachment style when we create narratives. Here it is. I hear this every day. I know there's something up. I just don't know what. I can't put my finger on it. It that is anxiety 100%. I'm not going to discredit you that maybe there is something. But if we are not actually seeing it. I had a client that did that. She kept saying, I know there's something up. I know there's something up. Sure enough, the guy was dealing with his own health issues. It had nothing to do with her. So she wasn't wrong that yeah, there was something up, but it had nothing to do with her and she was internalizing it and making it a whole thing. But when you look at someone and immediately say, no, that's it. I knew they didn't like me. No, that's it. I knew they were going to leave me. They don't want it. That's it. They're going to to. Then you're not seeing it for what it is. You're seeing it through the lens of your wound and that is okay. But then we have to clean the screen so that maybe you can see this more clearly. And there was something called the time machine problem from Shore in 2019. So implicit memories before age 3 still drive behavior. So when you're triggered, your brain literally time travels. So it goes from the present and then it focus. Those focus parts go offline and then memory takes over. And that is why I always have to say, say, just because it's a feeling doesn't mean it's factual. We are wired from childhood. So if you had a household where no one dealt with confrontation, well, then that might be within the first. That's why you might shut Down. If you're in a household where it was a lot of chaos and a lot of people screaming and yelling and hi, welcome to the Zohar family. Well, then that might be why you go into streeted. They're going to leave me. This isn't safe. I don't feel good. Because our programming takes us back. And that's why we always say, like, when you get disregulated and you go into your amygdala, you're no longer in your prefrontal cortex. So you're no longer in present. You're now the memory. And one of you guys asked, can it be both intuition and trauma? No. No. When you're triggered, the present radar is offline. So no, it's really difficult. Now here's where it could be. Could intuition, if we don't listen to it, lead to anxiety and trauma and go there? Absolutely. But I don't know that it's an amalgamation of both that causes it. Because when your prefrontal cortex is off, it's going to be really difficult to access anything of common sense, choice, intuition, calm grounding, pres moment when you're ruminating and spiraling on a time that we're not in, when you're a time traveling. So let's talk about some tools on how to override now, as always, guys, if you guys want more, we can work together. You can join the course, the foundation course. We've got our new offerings coming up soon, especially into the new year. So please just know these are all options and resources. And if not, yay. Glad you like the show. Don't forget to leave a rating and review. So how do you override this? So there's something called the five instance rule, and this was a study in 2018. So one off incidents are a 11% predictive of something that's going to happen. So one off only 11. 11%. 5 consistent situations that happen. 67% predictive. So we want to look at counting actions, not feelings. We want to look at how. That's why I say, babes. It's not about, oh, that's a red flag, E. I got an ick. It's like, what are the patterns of behavior? If I see one time that this person, you know, double booked on me and was like, I'm so sorry, My apologies. I totally up. Can we reschedule? Sure. That's like me being like, that's it. They don't like me. They don't wanna be with me. They don't wanna. Okay. Versus they've done that five times. Then I'm probably gonna say, I don't think they're gonna be a great partner. You see the difference how with one we can make it over conflate and the other we can say, oh, actually I have enough data to make a determination that that's what that is. So someone had asked, is my gut warning me about manipulation? Well, let's find out. Write down five specific behaviors in the last 30 days. Feels distant, doesn't count. Right. Hides phone when I walk in, in that counts. Then if you have less than five, that might be a wound. If you have more than five, that might be real. So that's why I'm saying, let's start to tap into how can I show up for myself? What are things that I could do for me? How can I start to challenge this? And I say this with a lot of love. I think a lot of you guys want, you want a bumper sticker. You want me to just be like, it's anxiety if it's this and it's intuition if it's this. So that your brain doesn't have to do more thinking because your brain doesn't want to have to fill in the gaps. That's why people are like, just tell me what to do. I'm tired and I want to have to keep doing this. But I need you to start to tap into what happens when I'm not there with you. What happens when you're alone, what happens when you don't have your coach, you don't have your friends, you don't have your therapist, you don't have anybody and you're just a face to face with this person or with yourself alone. Now what are you going to do? Now these are the tools that we tap into of saying, okay, I'm going to regulate. Regulating doesn't mean it all goes away. Regulating just means I'm allowing myself to access choice so that I can make a decision from a place of empowerment in this moment. This episode is sponsored by Baked by Melissa. 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You guys can now taste my favorite cupcakes, a piece of New York with me again, that's bakedbymelissa.com Sabrina for 20% off your order. One more time, baby. Bakedbymelissa.com SabrinA There was also something called the override protocol. Protocol. So you can't stop the first spike, but you can regulate what happens next. So the protocol, the first zero to two seconds, I want you to feel it. I want you to just be. What did I. The example I gave earlier that when Ryan and I did that, I sat there and I said, this feels really intense. Then I named it, right? Two to ten seconds. Name it. That's my abandoned moon. Moon from when I was seven. The first thing I said was, I feel really uncomfortable. This makes me feel like I'm feeling taken advantage of. That would have been that versus is. I've talked to you guys about this before. I feel like I'm talking to my dad like I was 6. Then within like 10 to 30 seconds, maybe we can do some box breathing. Maybe we could do some 4, 7, 8 breathing. 4 inhale. 7. Hold a 8 exhale. Longer exhales signal to your nervous system that you're safe, that we can relax, that we are okay. That's why it's always slow the breathing down. These are just quick things. Then 30 plus seconds after that, I want you to start assessing. Even if you stop. That's why I'm saying, like, give yourself space. Even if it's a minute. If you can even do a minute, then maybe the next time you could do two minutes, then we could do three minutes. We can start to build on from there. To give yourself the space to say, you know, maybe I'm gonna take the afternoon to think about how I feel with this. Or I only needed five minutes because I realized I'm projecting this onto my partner and that they didn't do anything and that this is my anxiety and that this poor person, they. I just didn't hear from them today. Right. Like, again, I'm not disputing the emotions that come up and I think that's the differentiating factor. Even if you're having Anxiety and you're feeling sad and so scared. Those are all real. That is valid. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the situation at hand matches the intensity of what you're feeling. That's what I want us to start seeing. Someone said, am I sabotaging or seeing clearly? Well, that's where we need to add, first of all, when we think sabotage, we think protection, right? So am I protecting myself or am I seeing clearly? After override, I want you to ask, would I want my best friend to date this person? That's 71% accurate. Even when yours is only 34%. Would you want your best friend to date this person? Would you want your best friend to be in a relationship with this person? Maybe. Let's go further. If you have a kid, would you want your kid to be, Would you want your sister, your mom, somebody that you love? Think about the person that you love the most on the planet. Would you want them to go through this? And if your answer is no, oh my God, of course not, that's great. So you have your answer versus because it's like, what is it? Is your answer next gonna be, well, they're anxious too. They're the problem. They're a, it's everybody, right? Because then we're saying, oh, I'm not actually holding them accountable. The people that are causing me this pain. Anxiety doesn't always necessarily mean that the other person's problem. And that's the other thing we see this all the time of like, your partner should never trigger you. In what world, in what world is your partner never going to trigger you? In what world are you going to have a partner where it's just always lovely and amazing and skipping on rainbows? You're going to have challenges, you're going to have triggers, you're going to have inconveniences, you're going to have tough conversations. How do you show up and what are your tools to show up? That's how you'll have a healthy and successful relationship. Or that's how you'll turn into this self fulfilling prophecy of it just keeps happening to me because what are we doing about it? So here's a practice that you could do. Instead of testing, right? Pulling away, getting jealous, picking fights, I want you to say, this is my wound talking, it's not you. That one sentence takes the sting out and lets your partner support you instead of defending, right? I say that to Ryan all the time. I'll be like, hey, I know this isn't you, or I'll Say, this person, like a troll, left really, really mean comment. I am in a bad mood. But they please know this has nothing to do with you. He's like, okay, thanks for letting me know. Know there's a conversation too. Secondary gains. We talked about it with Terry Cole on the Boundaries episode. So secondary gains are essentially like, what are you able to protect? What are you benefiting from by doing this? So sometimes the wound wants to be right, because if they leave, it proves that you weren't crazy for being scared. But that's what I mean by, like, that's not your intuition. That's your nervous system trying to validate old programming. Call that out when you notice it. It's okay to say, I'm really worried that if I don't say something, this person's going to leave me. It's like, it's okay to say, wow, my anxiety is really trying to hold on me to. To them. And so now let's put this into practice. How can we make this real? And also, guys, like I said, I'm open to your feedback to a certain extent. Obviously, it depends on what you guys want to say. I'm not changing the way I speak or my cadence or my tone. So thank you. But if you guys like the way the structure is, cool. Let me know. If you're like, oh, I love this. I love that. Like, there's one topic and we're getting into it. Or if you're like, ah, it's a little boring. I'd love, like, multiple topics. But I will say, when you guys are leaving feedback, I'm open to it. Just start to, like, read back what you're asking, and then start to see if that really is me missing. I get it every day where, like, I'll post a question box, like, what solos do you want? And people will write in of, like, how do I get over someone that's not into me? And I'm like, dude, that's verbatim the title of an episode that already exists. Or they're like, you know what? You went over this on the episode, but could you talk about this? And it's like, I don't see what those two have to do with each other. Just take a minute. That's all. I'm open, I'm here. I want to hear from you guys. But just the only feedback I give, because sometimes I'll get it. And I'm like, I'm not ignoring you guys. I just. I don't know what to do with it. So that's my housekeeping. So how do you make it real? So something called the documentation method. So writing improves accuracy by 23%. So write your shit down. So that's also why I say, don't type it in your phone. Get a piece of paper or a notebook. Get your journal and write it down. And I'm going to do an episode, I think it's the next couple, where I'm going to read you some of my journal entries. Yay. Okay, so the first thing I want you to write down is what happened. The facts I want you to talk about. Like, they said no, or I didn't hear from them, or they told me their business busy. Then the next thing, I want you to write down what you felt. What was the sensation? And maybe that's, my chest was tight. I started to spiral. I was overthinking whatever it is. Then I want you to write what you predicted. I want you to write of like, they're gonna leave me. They don't like me. I knew that they weren't into me. I knew I was never gonna find anybody. And then I want you to check in a week, were you right? I cannot tell you how many times. And here's the thing, you might be right, that maybe they're not interested in a relationship. But that doesn't mean that you were right about the why. That doesn't mean that you were right about it being because there's something wrong with you and they don't like you. You. And so we need to be objective here, babes. Because I get that all the time. When anybody, even with clients or whatever. I understand we're trying to be objective. And we're like, no, but see, and it's like, you don't need to be an to yourself. You don't need to be hard on yourself. It's okay to say, hey, I think there's a little girl or boy or they in me that just doesn't feel comfortable right now. And like, what do they need from me? Or wow. Yeah, that was me exploding in that moment and taking one thing and making it another. Like, that's where we say reconfirmation to your nervous system of, oh, and I wasn't right. I'm allowed to be wrong. And then there's the recalibration timeline. So attachment recalibrates within six to eight weeks of new data. So accuracy rises from 34% to 74% if you track consistently. So why I'm also saying you just doing this once doesn't just make it go away. I love regulating I love my tools. I love all of these things. But repetition also matters. Consistency, momentum, steadiness. And just really. It's not just doing it every day and then just going through the motions. But if you really start to do this, I want you to challenge yourself for 30 days. I want you to do that. I did that. I told you about my friend. Maybe I didn't. I made a new friend. And I thought I got ghosted. And I did that. I wrote down every day what I thought the narrative was. And you know what? You wanna know what the one thing my gut said? The one thing my gut said, I was like, what are the odds? This is why she didn't answer me. That was what it was. Because she text me a couple days, like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And she was like, I just didn't even have. Like, it was Apple Update Day. And she was like, I didn't even have my phone. And she was like, it wasn't until I went back on. And she was like, and I saw your message on my iPad. And she was like, Because I went on my iPad. And she was like, and it popped up. And that was my point. Then I had to stop and go, okay, so every other scenario, that was my anxiety, that was not my intuition. Because everything else revolved around, I must have done something wrong. There's something wrong with me. That was the only one where I was. Maybe it has nothing to do with me. So to the listener who asked, what's wrong with me? Nothing. You're not broken. You're just listening to an outdated fucking alarm system. And so here's your roadmap that I'd like you to start to use. Week one to two, I want you to document gut feelings and track accuracy. Then week three and four, I want you to practice the override protocol. I want you to start to see if that works. Then week five to six, I want you to use the five instance rule and start to see. Then week seven and eight, I want you to compare your accuracy to your week one, and I want you to see, because here's a rule of thumb. If you can't tell whether it's intuition or a wound, I want you to assume it's a wound until you prove it otherwise. Then test it out with the tools. And the reality is, as well, your wound isn't your enemy. It's an overprotective friend stuck in the past. That's why I hate sabotage. It's protection. Your intuition is not broken. It's just been drowned Out. So let's see what happens in eight weeks. You'll know which voice is which. Not because I told you, but because you'll have the data to prove it. And that is you trusting yourself. Yourself. That right there is how you stop asking, is this intuition or my wound? And you start fucking trusting yourself again. Because I get it, baby. I don't always know. I don't wake up just being like, today's the day. You know what? I'll be honest with you. Every time I go to prep an episode, I take about six to eight hours to prep it. Probably way more than I need to. Every time I go to create content, videos, high quality, I sit there and say, is anyone going to watch these? Is the algorithm even going to push these? Am I going to get bitched at by it? That's all anxiety, all of that. You know what? My gut is when I'm done and I go, man, that was awesome. I'm proud of what I did. I'm really stoked about it. You're human. It's okay, right? There's no shame about not being able to. But now we're giving you the tools to say, okay, now you can figure this out. Now you do have the tools within yourself to start to get curious about is this intuition of my gut or is it my anxiety? Again, I'll give it to you simple. Your anxiety, narrative, body sensations, all the hella blue urgency. See, your intuition is a lot calmer and allows you space to say, it's okay, I'll talk to this person when I see them, or I'll, I'll handle this when I do. There's no urgency in it because I'm allowing myself the time to process and I'm allowing myself to sit with it. So, guys, I'm so proud of you as always, babies. You know, if you need anything, everything's link in bio. Don't forget, share the podcast with your friends, rate and review it. And guys, like I said, I'm here if you want to work with me. We're coming up with new offerings and I don't want anyone to ever feel pressured as if, like, you have to spend money but also not know it's there. Right? You guys can subscribe for ad free if you don't want ads and if not, thank you for subscribing or thank you for listening, thank you for supporting our sponsors and thank you for allowing me to show up and keep the show free for you guys so that we can keep the party going. I love you, babies. I'M so excited. And until next week, my angels, I will see you soon. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. As winter approaches, make sure you set aside some time for self care now through December 2nd. Get great savings on personal care essentials when you shop in store or online. Buy two participating self care items and save $3. Shop for items like Tresemme Shampoo, Dove Shampoo, Dove Men's Care Body Wash, Dove Body Wash and Axe Shower gel. And save $3 when you buy two or more items. Offer ends December 2nd. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. This time of year, most of us are checking off our holiday gift lists. But identity thieves have lists, too, and your personal information might be on Protect your identity with LifeLock. LifeLock monitors millions of data points every second and alerts you to threats you could miss if your Identity is stolen. LifeLock will fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. 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