171: Why You Create Stories in Your Head (and How to Stop) | In The Trenches

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 171: Why You Create Stories in Your Head (and How to Stop) | In The Trenches
Release Date: November 11, 2025
Host: Sabrina Zohar, with "Tech Guy" Ryan

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode centers on why people create stories in their heads in relationships—often as a form of self-protection or sabotage—and how to break free from those patterns. Sabrina and her partner/guest "Tech Guy" Ryan field listener questions about anxious attachment, dating narratives, overthinking, trust, self-awareness, and online dating profiles. Their conversation is candid, relatable, and peppered with real-life examples, drawing on their own relationship and listeners’ stories to illuminate common dating pitfalls and offer practical ways to reclaim authenticity, emotional safety, and empowerment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Embracing Hard Conversations in Relationships

[03:13 - 07:19]

• Sabrina shares a personal story about a less-than-perfect date night where she communicated to Ryan that she needed more from their relationship. The conversation was difficult but necessary; it's the “hard conversations” that are so often avoided but essential for real connection and growth.

• Ryan’s Perspective: He admits hearing he wasn't meeting her needs was tough, but he valued the clarity.

  • Quote ([04:08]): “If I don't know that, how the hell am I ever going to change?”

• Key Takeaway:
  Honest dialogue either strengthens the bond or clarifies incompatibility—both are wins.

  • Sabrina ([04:49]): “I would have gotten what I wanted, which was you, or clarity… a win-win either way.”

2. The Impact and Limitations of "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" Facebook Groups

[10:35 - 20:15]

• Listener Question: Sarah worries she’s sabotaging her new relationship by obsessing over negative stories about her partner in a Facebook group.

• Sabrina’s Analysis:

  • Acknowledges Sarah’s self-awareness but points out her nervous system is seeking “evidence” to confirm fears (“You don't trust yourself”).
  • Critiques the reliability of anonymous complaints online, noting most people post from a place of pain or dysregulation.
  • Ryan points out there are “three sides to every story… usually, the truth is somewhere in the middle” ([11:57]).

• Memorable Moment ([14:45]): Sabrina deconstructs the phrase “I was completely blindsided,” suggesting people may ignore red flags or avoid discomfort until it’s too late.

• Key Insight:
  Taking online anecdotes as gospel can distort perception of your relationship. Instead, observe your partner’s current actions and trust your lived experience over others’ narratives.

  • Ryan ([12:57]): “Focus more on his behavior... it’s a red flag being so myopically focused on his past.”

• When (And How) to Bring Up These Concerns:

  • If you’re struggling, it’s okay to discuss what you’ve heard, but be honest (“I’m part of a group and I saw your name… Can we talk about it?”)—avoid blaming or secrecy ([18:28]).

3. How Anxiety and Overthinking Lead to Self-Sabotage

Text Message Example & Discussion [22:18 - 36:50]

• Listener Question (Dana): After several traumatic relationships, Dana finds herself spiraling with anxiety, seeking reassurance, interpreting neutral events (no text in a day) as signs of disaster, and ultimately ending the relationship by text.

• Profile of Protest Behavior:
  Both hosts dissect Dana’s texts to her partner:

  • She stresses about not hearing from him for a day (even though he communicates his situation),

  • Interprets this absence as “disrespect”—creates a story in her head,

  • Eventually ends the relationship via text, stating her nervous system “can’t do this.”

  • Quote ([26:06] - Sabrina): “Zero communication on Saturday was unacceptable. It takes 10 seconds to send a simple message, even when working with family. That's black or white right there. That is myopic. That is, you didn't do what I wanted, and I'm not happy.”

  • Ryan’s Analysis:
    The boyfriend’s reply is gentle and logical: “I couldn't take my phone out... you could have sent me a message too... when I don't hear from you, I know you’re enjoying your time” ([27:41]).

  • Key Takeaway ([36:22] - Sabrina):
    “Healthy and secure relationship is built with two people who consistently communicate. If you’re not making progress on the same issue, that’s a different story… But if your response is, ‘I just need reassurance,’ learn to reassure yourself.”

• Big Insight: The urge to gain control (“I end it, so I don’t get hurt”) is self-sabotage—leaving instead of sitting in discomfort or learning self-soothing.

  • Notable Quote ([35:30]): “You ended the relationship because for one day, someone didn't text you.”

4. Dating Profile Audits: Why Rigidity Repels Connection

[38:18 - 53:30]

• Listener Question (Kiki): Wants profile feedback; gets few likes/matches, non-compatible men ignore her list of non-negotiables.

• Kiki’s Profile Example: Heavy on demands and rigid criteria (“No liberal ideologies, no weird piercings, no cigarettes, knows how to provide emotional safety, etc.”), light on personality and playfulness.

  • Ryan’s Reaction ([42:34]): “Yikes.”
  • Sabrina: “I know nothing about you except you like the outdoors, I think?”

• Key Insights:

  • Dating profiles should invite curiosity and conversation, not list demands.

  • Healthy boundaries don’t need to be announced—they’re shown in action and energy ([43:01]).

  • Rigid lists and negativity communicate self-protection and past hurt, not openness.

  • Notable Quote (Ryan, [45:05]): “The best profiles spark curiosity and invite conversation. This does the exact opposite—incredibly rigid and offers no invitation.”

• Concrete Advice:

  • Remove selection checklists—replace with prompts that share real interests and quirks.
  • Have one line about dating intentions (e.g., “dating intentionally”) and otherwise let your personality shine.
  • Create “hooks,” such as favorite foods, travel anecdotes, or hobbies: “I eat dinner to get to dessert and always have snacks in my bag” ([49:19]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |---|---|---| | 04:08 | “If I don't know that, how the hell am I ever going to change?” | Ryan | | 04:49 | “I would have gotten what I wanted, which was you, or what I needed, which is clarity... a win-win either way.” | Sabrina | | 11:15 | “Your nervous system is looking for a problem right now... the ultimate umbrella... is that you don’t trust yourself.” | Sabrina | | 12:57 | “Focus more on his behavior... it’s a red flag being so myopically focused on his past.” | Ryan | | 14:45 | “Completely blindsided — as somebody who used to claim I was completely blindsided by things, no, I wasn't.” | Sabrina | | 22:47 | “All of what you’re going through is really real and normal... When I met you, him... I thought the same stuff. Can I trust him? Is this person going to be right for me? But I knew ultimately that I could trust myself more than anything.” | Sabrina | | 26:06 | “Zero communication on Saturday was unacceptable. It takes 10 seconds to send a simple message... That's black or white right there.” | Sabrina (quoting listener, then adding her view) | | 28:09 | “He is 100%. He had shit to do. He's at work. He's with his kid... when I don't hear from you, I don't worry that anything is going on between us because he's secure in your connection.” | Sabrina | | 35:30 | “You ended the relationship because for one day, someone didn't text you. And then I want you to come back and let me know why dating is so hard.” | Sabrina | | 36:22 | “A healthy and secure relationship is built with two people who consistently communicate... If your response is, ‘well, I just need reassurance.’ Learn to reassure yourself.” | Sabrina | | 42:34 | “Yikes.” | Ryan (on the rigid profile prompt) | | 45:05 | “The best profiles spark curiosity and invite conversation. This does the exact opposite—incredibly rigid and offers no invitation.” | Ryan | | 43:01 | “Healthy boundaries don't need to be announced. They are shown in actions and energy.” | Ryan |

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Timeline: Important Segments

• 03:13 – 07:19: Honest relationship dialogue & the value of naming your needs.
• 10:35 – 20:15: How Facebook “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups affect trust and foster anxiety.
• 22:18 – 36:50: Self-sabotage in action—listener’s text breakup over a lack of reassurance.
• 38:18 – 53:30: Audit and repair of a rigid, demand-based online dating profile.

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Tone & Language

• Raw, conversational, and empathetic: Both hosts mix gentle confrontation with big-hearted encouragement.
• Candid, sometimes blunt humor: ("Yikes", "Enjoy being single", “Twist them nipples, baby.”)
• No-nonsense honesty: Sabrina especially pushes listeners to self-accountability but always frames her feedback as an opportunity for growth, not shame.
• Relatable and vulnerable: Both hosts share personal stories and “in the trenches” moments, normalizing imperfection and making real change feel accessible.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Your stories are (mostly) a form of self-protection: It’s crucial to discern when your narratives are about reality (evidence) or your anxieties.
• Focus on partners’ current behavior, not online gossip or past relationships.
• Creating healthy connection requires consistent, reciprocal communication—not one-sided, rigid rules or instant abandonment at the first sign of discomfort.
• Profiles (and dating in general) should be inviting—curiosity and vulnerability attract people, not lists of demands or defenses.
• Self-soothing and self-trust are the real paths to lasting love—not controlling, testing, or sabotaging.

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This episode delivers tough love and real strategies for anyone who overthinks, gets caught in dating drama, or simply wants more joy and authenticity in their relationships. As always, Sabrina (and Tech Guy) remind listeners that growth in love starts with coming home to yourself.

Transcript

[A]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first, there, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. We're back, babies. We're in the trenches. You know, I do my makeup every time, and I'm really excited because today tech guy's in the studio for the first time. In the new studio for the first time, that is. But we are going to answer your questions now. How do we do that? Well, without you guys writing them in, we wouldn't be able to. So don't forget. Inthetrenchesabrinazohar.com please only use that email to send in things for the podcast. Otherwise, we just don't answer the emails. But please know we send in your screenshots, send your stories, send your dating profile, send me the text messages between. I will take it all. But don't forget, if you guys want to be featured on the show, that's how. And as always, thank you guys. Thank you for being here every single week. Thank you for sharing the show with your friends. Thank you for rating, reviewing, leaving comments like that is the only way I grow. There is no one that helps me do this besides you guys and me. So that is my plea to you. Don't forget to follow on the Sabrina Zohar show on insta and TikTok at Sabrina Zohar if you guys need anything. And I'm just grateful. I'm so excited to be here with you guys. And without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, babe.

[B]

Oh, hello.

[A]

Ah, well, welcome to the studio.

[B]

I'm very excited to be here. Look what we built.

[A]

I know, it's pretty banan. I'm excited, though. Today we got a lot of questions that we're going to answer. We're going to help everybody. I mean, I like being in the trenches because you and I dated in many, many cities and we understand the pain points and what everybody's experiencing. And so I'm happy that we are back for another episod. But before we do that, I've been getting into the routine of showing more of myself. Right. Because that's really hard for me is like, you know, you know, my family.

[B]

Oh, I've met them.

[A]

You've met them, You've seen it. And it's been really hard for me to find ways to show up, and I just wanted to Kind of take a moment, I think, to talk about the post that we had the other day, because I think it's important for people to hear both sides of it.

[B]

Cool. Let's do it.

[A]

For anyone who doesn't know, Ryan Tech Guy, we. I posted the other day on Insta on my personal account. Sabrina Zohar, Shameless Plug.

[B]

Go. Follow.

[A]

Yeah, and, like, don't unfucking follow just because I post a personal photo. That is wild to me. How many people unfollow when I post personal shit. Like, me with the dog or like, me and my partner. It's. It's wild. People are very specific.

[B]

Yeah, well, some of the dudes thought that they had a shot with you.

[A]

That's true. They don't. Sorry. Sorry, boys. But anyways, I posted this photo, and it was just me saying, like, I could have said that we had the perfect date night and everything's amazing. And I was like. And instead. And while we were on the date night, I even said. I was like, we were trying to take a photo. And I was like, great, Is this the photo we need? And I was like. Because I knew in that moment, I was like, this date night didn't go out playing, you know, we were like, we're gonna get a selfie on the.

[B]

Boat, and then you just end up arguing in a swan boat.

[A]

It wasn't even. I wouldn't even say arguing. I think it was.

[B]

I was gonna say arguing is the wrong word. Disagreement. And just a.

[A]

Is that even it, though? I think it was. What it was really about was like, you made a comment at dinner that really hurt my feelings that you were unaware of, but I was very aware. And that led us to a conversation of, how are we showing up in our relationship? How are we as partners for each other? What do we still need? And by we, I meant me. That was what I needed.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

So I don't know if that necessarily. I don't think we disagreed. I don't think we argued. I think it was the hard conversation that most of us avoid having, which is telling someone, hey, I need more, or, again, it's not more than you, it's more of you. Or, I need more connection or, you know, before even go on into the audience questions, like, I'm curious what that was like for you to receive, because I think a lot of the people listening are like, oh, my God, you told your partner that, like, the way they showed up wasn't working for you or that you needed more. And it's like, I think a lot of us fear that the other person's going to leave. But I'm curious on your experience of the receiving. Receiving end of that.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, obviously no one wants to hear that their actions are not enough for their partner. And obviously it's not whit large, it's that it was in that specific microcosm, but that still no one wants to hear that. But at the same time, like, if I don't know that, how the hell am I ever going to change? Like, I need to have that information and understand how that impacts you, to understand how I want my future behavior to, to shape. And so while I didn't love hearing that it hurt you. I'm very glad that we had that discussion and you know, we were able to grow closer. And I feel like I understand you a lot more.

[A]

And to anybody that's worried about these conversations, this is the point of the conversations. Because at the end of the day, it would have led to one of two major aspects, right? We could come up with different ones. It would have led to either us realizing, hey, we don't have this. And he very easily. You could have very easily been like, I don't have the bandwidth or that's not an interest of mine. Or I like the way I am. And that right. And you have every right. And we had talked about that. I was like, if you're good with this, that's cool. It just doesn't work for me. But I think the important thing of these conversations is it allows the other person to be like, cool, thank you for letting me know what you need and giving me a direct rubric of where I need to go. So you're not like, is this what she wants or is this what they want? It's incredibly empowering because I would have gotten what I wanted, which was you, or what I needed, which is clarity. And it would have been a win win either way because I would have been able to see, I don't think my partner has the bandwidth then for what I need. But instead you were like, no, I do. And let me show that to you.

[B]

Absolutely. And gives me an opportunity to step up for you in other ways and to show up as a partner because, you know, you are the person that I care about most and I want to be there to support you.

[A]

And guys, just as a reminder, like, I for a long time didn't think I was ever going to find anybody that felt that about me. I never thought that I'd meet someone that was like, I care so much about you that when you're hurt. I care about that. And I want to change my actions towards that. I'm used to. As you've met my family. Well, get fucked. Right? Like, this is talk about. I was talking to our friend the other day, and when I was talking to John and I was. We were just talking about narcissism. Just a friend. And when I mentioned that and I said whiplash, and he was like, oh, my God, that's it. And I was like, isn't it wild how someone that's experienced it, when you say certain words, you're like, you just encapsulated my experience.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And for me, I've always been used to. I have to earn it. I have to work. Nobody cares about me. No one's gonna give a shit. What I need is too much. So to have a partner, that's like, not only do I care about it, that means the most to me. And because you're hurt, I'm hurt. That is a talk about a reconfirmation experience. And it's okay that that happened at 35. Like, there's no right or wrong time in life for those things to happen. So thank you for that.

[B]

Yeah. Life is one long, continuous growth journey, and you can either get on the ride or get off. Yeah.

[A]

And that's why I'm saying, like, if you have these conversations with people and it doesn't end like this, that is also okay. Like, I have talked to Ryan about this extensively and to you guys, that if we broke up in that moment, I would have been like, okay, right? Like, that's so I'm not. It has to work. It has to be. It's like, we talk about this all the time. Are we at the end of our road or do we feel like we can continue on the journey? Because as long as both of us are like, yes, we're good, then great. But if one person's out, that's okay.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

But it's important to have those conversations. So thanks for being here, babe.

[B]

Fuck, yeah. I'm excited to be here. Now. Let's help these people.

[A]

Let's help you guys. And guys, as always, I didn't shamelessly plug. But don't forget sprintazohar.com if you guys want to join a course, work one on one, ask a question. The book's not out until next year, babies. I still got time, so whatever you guys need, let us know. And feel free to check that out. So. And seriously, though, send us in questions, screenshots. Like, we can only do this show if you guys send them in. So in the trenches@sabrina zohar.com nothing's too small or too big. Okay, you ready? So we're gonna go. All right. I wanted your hot take on this subject. Great. So there are many Facebook groups called Are we Dating the same Guy? I feel like it can protect women to an extent of seeing what kind of guy they are dating, but in my opinion it can really self sabotage your dating experience. I'm with you. I went on a date. I went on one date with this guy in June from Hinge. The date was great and we immediately clicked when he asked to go on a second date. I looked him up on my local Are we dating the same guy? A group. He was posted three separate times on the site. Mostly women saying he's a player and just wants one thing. His ex was obviously on blowing his up and exposing their most intimate details of their past relationship. We've been consistently seeing each other for three months and we recently went on a trip together. So far, honestly, everything has been a great slow progression into this relationship with him. However, I consistently obsess over what the women had said about him on the Facebook group, especially his ex saying he flipped like a switch and she was completely blindsided when he broke off their engagement and some sort of some other horrible details. He did tell me his side of the story and of the relationship, but it was a complete opposite other story than what she said. I find myself the more we see each other, the more I go and reread the horrible comments. Do you think this is a red flag or would you get more curious and ask him about his past relationship? I do feel like I'm creating a lot of fear in telling myself a story in case one day he flips the switch on me. I'm not sure how to handle the situation or should I just ignore other people's negative experiences with him. Your feedback is always appreciated. Love, Sarah. This episode is sponsored by Fabletics. I don't know about you guys, but I live in activewear and when you do, you truly can never have enough. But the good stuff usually costs a fortune. That's why I love Fabletics. I can get pieces and so can techie. He is obsessed. Like we have tried every brand and it's so perfect for his body type. And we love Fabletics because we can both get pieces that feel premium and perform like the expensive brands without the crazy price tag. My favorite part is if you become a Fabletics VIP. It's simple. When I signed up as a new VIP, I got 80% off everything. I'm talking tech guy. Got like over 15 or 20 pieces. And after the membership, it's about 70amonth unless I skip. And that monthly fee gives me exclusive membership benefits, including a credit I can use towards a full outfit or Bundle up to 100 doll. The quality is unbelievable. I love the fit. I love the versatility. I've even gotten my mom onto Fabletics. I am obsessed. And now you guys can treat yourself to gear that looks good, feels good, and doesn't break the bank with Fabletics. Go to Fabletics.com Sabrina and sign up as a VIP and get 80 off everything. Again, that's Fabletics.com Sabrina to sign up as a VIP and get eighty percent off everything. One more time, babes. That's Fabletics.com SabrinA. Oh, Sarah, I totally get it. Do you want to start or do you want me to. You got anything burning? Because I have so much.

[B]

Let's have you start.

[A]

Okay. Okay. God, there's. There's a. There's like major pillars I want to hit. The first pillar is your nervous system is looking for a problem right now. And I get that. Right? She acknowledged it. She admitted it. And like, God damn, Sarah, I'm so proud of you. Like, there's a lot of self awareness in here. So please don't think anything I'm saying is a knock. You're already acknowledging and saying at the end. I am rereading, like, your nervous system is going consistently back to be like, there it is. Because the ultimate umbrella. What I'm hearing is that you don't trust yourself. That is the common theme that it's. I'm reading this, I'm reading that. So that's the first thing. The second thing is, and I think there's that other element, right? The dopamine of like. But he's still here. It's been three months. None of these women had anything more than he just wanted one thing.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. She said, well, here. The date was it that she posted three separate times. Mostly women saying he's a player and just wants one thing.

[B]

Right. But he also broke off an engagement.

[A]

With someone else but his ex. No, no, I didn't get to that. I didn't get to that. My point being is most of the other women in the group are saying that they couldn't get beyond that. So she did. So of course there's the like, oh, whoa, I'm special. Then the third pillar is the ex. Now that's the biggest here.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Because you're saying the most wheat seemingly as well to her.

[A]

Correct. You're saying, should I put that much into what she's into what the ex said. Now here's my next question. Do you think someone in their right thought mind that is secure and healthy would be posting on Facebook groups like this?

[B]

That was. I would be very, very wary of the source of information that you are trusting. And it's not to say that this woman's experience is not valid, but there are three sides to every story. Her side, his side, and the actual truth. And usually the truth is somewhere much more in the middle of the two. And so I think I would be very wary of trusting her implicitly. Unless, you know, she's posting screenshots and photo evidence, things like that. People can change that. The whole reason for this podcast is people can change. So if you implicitly don't believe people can change, then, then why are you on this journey? And at the end of the day, do you think he's going to show up authentically for you and can you trust him or is this a red flag? Focus more on his behavior and women writing him. I actually think it's kind of a red flag being so myopically focused on his past without allowing him to show up as the person he is today.

[A]

I think you made a good point. No one's gonna gaslight that woman's experience. No one's gonna discredit it. No one's saying she's making. She might be making up, but I hear is like, I see this all the time. I could have an experience. Even me and you, the person I dated right before you and I did not work out. Who know, imagine if he was going around saying, we didn't end it badly. But imagine if any of those guys and then I met you and we have a totally different dynamic. We have a completely different relationship. And now here we are three years later. Now if you were dating a woman, if you had three women before me, and all of them were like, we, Ryan's avoidant and he doesn't over open up and he doesn't want anything.

[B]

They're probably right.

[A]

Probably right. But if I had taken that going well, that's it, then I would never have been with my partner because I then wouldn't have trusted going. But this feels good to me. Now. If you feel like there's something here, of course, please explore it. But one thing I picked up on that I can't let go of, she says he flipped like a switch. She was completely Blindsided when he broke off and some other. I'm sorry, I'm done with this. Completely blindsided. As somebody who used to claim I was completely blindsided by things, no, I wasn't. You want to know why I was blindsided? Because I got slapped in the face when I wasn't looking. I was blindsided because I didn't see it. And that's not shame or blame on me. I'm just notice how I'm not attacking myself for that. But what I'm saying is I'm holding myself accountable to say what? Blind side, right? What do you mean? He just all of a sudden one day he woke up and he was a totally different person. It's like. And so her way of dealing with this is going into are we dating the same guy? Facebook to try and ruin any future relationships that he has. Cuz she feels so wronged that she needs to vindicate and let every other person know.

[B]

I mean that's my problem with these groups as a whole is, you know, it's only one sided and it's one.

[A]

And I'm so tired of the other side of the narrative of like oh God forbid men get held accountable. Unless I'm seeing red receipts where I see the what he is saying to you. Or they I then I don't believe it because I could say this person is such an. And then they get into a relationship after and they're really happy. Maybe, maybe here's a crazy thought. Maybe it was also me. Maybe it was incessant or that I wouldn't leave this person alone. Maybe.

[B]

Or the bigger aspect, maybe you guys triggered each other in, in very similar and familiar childhood ways. And maybe like for you, I was able to let you in because you showed up different than, than a lot of women that I had dated. And so it's important to also take stock that someone's experience in the past does not, I mean obviously take cues from their past. Not everything can't be changed though. And there are fundamental aspects that are missed. You can't provide all the nuance and context in a Facebook post. And it's usually people that are just seeking some sort of vindication.

[A]

And as somebody who had a Facebook group back in the day when we started this.

[B]

Oh God, that turned so cesspool so quick.

[A]

Real. All of a sudden there were people were like the moderators were messaging me being like hey, okay, I don't know what to do here. Like we're talking women going manic fucking. You have to remember when you're Dysregulated. And you're posting dozens. Like, I'm sorry, but the fact that.

[B]

Screenshots of all of their. Their children, posting their location, posting names.

[A]

Posting photos, like, it's inappropriate. And so I think, are we setting.

[B]

People up to get doxed?

[A]

I think, are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups. While I understand, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to discredit them 100% because one of my clients, they've. So she found out her husband was cheating on her. So, like. But to be fair on that same token, there was in their marriage that she just didn't want to see until after, when she was like, yeah, it was pretty obvious. That's what I mean by the blind side. And what I hear a lot is like, if you're going back, you don't trust yourself. You're not trusting that you're reading this. Right? And I get that. I hold space for that because I think that's real. When you've got 20 people saying, that person's terrible person, and you're like, yikes. But think about it. I have people on the Internet that talk about me. Imagine if you went on one subreddit, go on Reddit, go on one influencer snark. You'll see it. You'll see a bunch of sad people that have nothing better to do than anonymously hide and talk about other people to make themselves feel better.

[B]

So that's the Internet, baby.

[A]

So all I'm saying is be cognizant who you take. Would you take advice? Do you want that woman's life?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you want her? Is that the advice you're going to take? And again, if you start to see, whoa, she said that he says these things and he started saying them, that's a different story. Then you're like, got it. But if you're looking, going, her experience and my experience do not align, then let it. Let her have her experience and you get to go have yours. I'll say this. Should you get blindsided, then we can start to learn and say, what did I not see? He slips like a switch. Now here's my question. What do you think when she asked, I'm curious, from a male perspective, should she talk to him about it? Because I think that's really real. I think that's a really valid question. How would you feel if I was like, hey, you're in a Facebook group and I don't know what to do with it? I personally think there's nothing wrong with talking about It. But I'm curious your perspective.

[B]

My initial thought is struggled only because I was going to say I wouldn't disclose that you were actively going to seek information about him because he. That's immediately going to break his trust. And I was going to be like, maybe you should tell you that a friend had told you that he was posted in there. But at the same time then you're lying. And then I.

[A]

Then I think you can just say I'm part of a group. When we first started to date, I saw you in there, but I didn't want to believe it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now that we're three months in, I'm realizing that stuff has stuck and I haven't really let go of it. Can I ask you about your past relationship? Because what you told me and what she's right. But then that. That's the thing. You open Pandora's box.

[B]

I was going to say now all.

[A]

Of a sudden he's like, wait, she's saying what? Because there's been quite a few lawsuits of men suing women for defamation and I'm sorry. They have every right.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Do not come at me right now with this bullshit that, well, they're being held accountable. You don't know the truth. Anybody could go on there and say this person said all of this and did all of this and they lose their job and none of that happened. Or I've had that. Or I've gone on one date with the guy and he took it way more seriously than I did. And all of a sudden he's texting me 100 times. I don't know what he's telling people.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

I don't know what his perception of the situation was. That's what we have to remember. Look at how again, it'd be one thing if the ex was in there being like, hey, I know I might sound crazy and I just wanted to share that this person really hurt me and here's what he did just for you guys to know for the future. And then she left. Then I'd say, hey, you know what? Girl's girl, maybe she's trying. But even me, I find out my ex, he's engaged again. What do you think I'm read? You think I'm gonna go and put it in a good luck God speed girl. I had a different relationship. Maybe you guys have had more luck. Who am I to judge?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I want him to be off my back. But usually when people do this, she might want him back. And that's my thing is my mama always Said, look at the emotions. When someone's truly moved on, they're indifferent. When someone's truly moved on, you think they're going to spend their time trying to ruin his future relationships. Just remember that. Again, you want to be part of these groups, you do whatever the you want to do. Let me know how they're working for you. If you feel alone or empty, okay, then maybe don't engage if you feel like this community has your back. Okay, cool. Maybe there's a million of those groups. That's why I say, you know, it depends on the chapter, if you will.

[B]

Yep, absolutely.

[A]

All right, we ready?

[B]

So ready.

[A]

All right, next one. Male and female back and forth.

[B]

Hey, Sabrina, did you just read my, my, my teaser text to you to set the scene perfect, Set the steam.

[A]

Male and female texting back and forth. I'm excited to be emailing you about something going on in my life. You're absolutely amazing and have helped me so much in my dating life. I swear I don't read these before. I'm going to share a little bit about myself before sending screenshots for some background information info. First relationship began at 14 years old, ended six years later due to cheating, lies, physical abuse. I had my first son with this person. Okay, so you guys, you guys achieved a lot by the time you were 21. Just for context. Second relationship turned into a 14 year marriage. I have two sons with this person. I trusted him 100. But he had an affair with a man. Oh, okay. That's different. Turns out he's gay. Okay. We were always more best friends than anything. It happens. So I was not able to process what was actually happening for a couple of years. Once I did, I filed for divorce and it was the best decision ever. I'm so happy. I'm so. That's what I'm saying. Divorce isn't always a bad thing. God, we gotta stop looking at that like it's a negative. I celebrate. I remember when we were at fucking the burlesque show in New York and she flashed everybody after getting divorced and everybody cheered her on. We were stoked for her.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's the problem with going into things with the mindset that this can never fail. That because all you're doing is setting yourself up to put up with bullshit that is no longer serving you.

[A]

And I look at it as not a. I don't know, it's not even failing. It's like I'm pivoting. Right? Okay. Once I did file for the relation came with every form of Abuse. And I'm still working on my healing journey as we speak. And I'm really proud of you. Fast forward to the present time. And I've been dating in the. I've been in the dating world for about two years. It's hard for me to trust people. And when I let myself get close to someone emotionally and physically, I start to spiral, trying to desperately regulate my nervous system from fear of getting hurt again. Questions pop up. How do I know if I can trust them? It's been hours since I've heard from them. And am I starting to create my own story? When will this get better? I feel like I've grown so much within the past two years, but I've realized I still have so much to learn and heal. From the screenshots are examples of me trying to get. Trying to close the door on a person I've been dating for five months. I want your opinion. Am I right or wrong? Anything you want to share would be great. I need to stop this cycle. Thank you for being awesome, Dana.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Or Donna or Dana. I don't know.

[B]

But regardless of it, we'll say Dana. So you're blue.

[A]

I'm blue. All right, ready for the text. Now, even before. Before we even read. I want to do a quick. Before we read. Before we read. First of all, beautiful self awareness. Like, I could not be prouder than of any of you guys. And I'm gonna be honest with you. Right before we recorded, I had a mental breakdown because my brother and I got into a huge tiff. And it was the same. And I went back in and Ryan looked at me and went. And that's why you react that way, because that triggered you.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

And that's okay. I have no sh. I wiped it off. One put makeup on, and here I am. And the reason I share that is because all of what you're going through is really real and normal. It's not. I think we have to dispel some stuff. When I met you, him who I'm pointing at whoever's listening or watching. If you're watching on YouTube, you know what I'm saying? If you're listening on Spotify, why, when I met you, I thought the same stuff. Can I trust him? Is this person going to be right for me? But I knew ultimately that I could trust myself more than anything, that if it didn't work out, I would figure it out. And so that's the first thing. This episode is sponsored by cornbread Hemp. I know life has been a little crazy for a lot of us and one thing that personally helps me unwind is Cornbread Hemps CBD gummies. I have always been looking for natural ways to relieve aches and discomfort and the CBD gummies from Cornbread Hemp are formulated to work with your body, not against it. And they use use only the best part of the hemp plant which is the flower for the purest and most potent cbd. It's formulated to help relieve discomfort, stress and sleeplessness. Plus all products are third party lab tested and USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. Plus they taste amazing. Me and techie like fight over the gummies every night because we just love them so much. So right now the Sabrina Zohar show listeners can save 30 off on their first order. Grab the drinks. They're my favorite because I don't drink any like anything else besides water and so I love the CBD or the THC drinks that they have. But listeners can save 30 off on your first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina at checkout. Again, that's cornbreadhemp.com SabrinA and use the code Sabrina. This episode is sponsored by Curlsmith. I'm always trying to find brands that I really align with and Curlsmith creates products that actually meet your hair. Where it's at whether you need hydration, frizz, control, volume or that amazing definition. Babes. They spoke to their community and found that 95% of Curly said they're happier with their curls after using Curlsmith. And I can say me and Tech Eye are one of them. We love it. I use the weightless air dry cream every single time I do my hair. So does he. We got his mom on it like we are big Curlsmith fans in the family. And duh, it makes sense because it's their most loved leave in conditioner. It's super lightweight but also hydrating. It's made with a ton of amazing ingredients that smooths, detangles and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy. So babe, if you're ready to embrace your natural curls, it's time to join the Curlsmith community. At Curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and baby, we know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl [e-mail] to get 10 off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. So let's get into some text. This is to her Boo. I've taken time to reflect and I've realized I can't continue in something where my Feelings are ignored and communication is inconsistent. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We didn't even get into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm about to say.

[B]

Why is this a text?

[A]

Why is this a text? Like, this is not text conversation for five months of a relationship.

[B]

This is hypervigilance coming out.

[A]

Like, this is at 6:51am the day. And I'm a bitch that texts at 4:00am so I get. We gotta understand. Imagine this. The first thing he sees when he picks up his phone.

[B]

Well, it was. He read at 8:02am okay, so at 8:25.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. So I've got. Okay. Especially when I've expressed how I feel about it. Zero communication on Saturday was unacceptable. It takes. Dana, I'm going to be honest. Before we started, I wanted to say we got black and white already. Am I right or wrong? Right. Is this so. Zero communication on Saturday was unacceptable. It takes 10 seconds to send a simple message, even when working with family. That's black or white right there. That is myopic. That is. You didn't do what I wanted and I'm not happy. Instead of being like, hey, how was your time with your family? I really. I was a bummer. I didn't hear from you. And I really actually remember, we had to convert.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay. Anyways, I won't tolerate being disrespected or made to feel like I don't matter. I can't even imagine what a relationship would be like if this is already happening. This isn't healthy for me, so I'm stepping away for good. I wish you well.

[B]

First, I Understand messages take 10 seconds, but remember, I can't take my iPhone out when I'm there representing the company I work for. We're going to not give out his company. But it's not. He works for a competing manufacturer. Yes, I could have. I could have sent it before or after the event, but once I got up, we went to the event and after, we went to go eat and came back and hit up the pool and fell asleep. Secondly, remember I had my son with me and he's only 10. So it's either keep an eye on him or entertain him or so he's not bored. I couldn't just take out my phone when I wanted to. Thirdly, I messaged you on Sunday morning as soon as I woke up because you were the first person who popped into my head. You were the person I wanted to hear from, but I didn't hear from. Just remember you said communication is big thing, and communication goes both ways. It shouldn't just be me reaching out for the first time. Saturday, you could have sent me a message to check in on me, which, like you said, it takes 10 seconds. Lastly, I've always told you not to be overthinking. Don't love that. Uh, for example, when I don't hear from you, like, this weekend, I know that you are with your boys. And, like, yesterday and today, I know that you're going to be at the beach. So if I don't hear from you, it's because I know that you're enjoying your time, and I want to respect that. And I will also want to respect your time with your family, but I'll always check in and up on you. So, again, I do not accept stepping away because that means a part of my heart will be taken away.

[A]

I have to be honest. Yes. I'm sorry. That's the biggest yes to his text back, minus the overthinking thing. You're right.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But I am a hundred percent. We'll call him dude in case we don't want to call him his name. Yeah, dude.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Like, that is what I mean by. Oh, really? You want to give me. It takes 10 seconds to send a text. Where's your text? Where are you reaching out? Where are you being reciprocal? Where are you also doing it? You're right, it does take 10 seconds. But you know what doesn't? Bandwidth. He is 100%. He had shit to do. He's at work. He's with his kid. Not.

[B]

He literally can't take out his iPhone because he works for another company. And he's.

[A]

And what he said. When I don't hear from you, I don't worry that anything is going on between us because he's secure in your connection.

[B]

Yeah. Not making up stories.

[A]

Thank you. And that's why I'm done. Dana, I love you, but maybe you don't listen to the podcast enough, because if you do, and maybe you do, and this just hasn't landed. Dana, I say this with love. It doesn't just taint 10 seconds, because it's never just one text. I get this every day because then I get the. Well, he only texts me good morning, and he didn't try to text. Oh, he's not interested in me. He texts you first thing the next morning. First thing the next morning. And that's not enough. This is what I mean. That's creating narratives.

[B]

Completely.

[A]

Okay. And I love you. I have. I have a queen of creating narratives. Queen of creating narratives. If I didn't When I didn't hear from Ryan for a day, I was like, well, I guess he thinks I'm dead. And that's. That's it. And it wasn't. She said, hi, Daniel, thank you for your message and taking the time to reflect and explain. I do appreciate you opening up and sharing your side. I can see that you care and that means something to me.

[B]

Can we just make a really quick note that this is 7:25pm as the response time?

[A]

So she took the day?

[B]

Yeah, she took nearly 12 hours.

[A]

Almost 12 hours. And that's okay, right?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

We are good with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with that. No one is owed an answer.

[B]

No one is owed an answer. I'm just. For someone that's hyper vigilant, I think it's important to call out.

[A]

You're right. Okay. I understand your weekend was busy and that you had your son in responsibilities with work. I never wanted you to feel like I didn't understand that. My feeling came from a place of needing reassurance. And when I didn't hear from you, it left me feel dismissed even. It wasn't your intention because you're projecting that onto him. You created a narrative that him not texting you meant all of this. And that's not what it meant. I say that all the time. And thank you for showing an example of it. I'm proud of you. You're right. Communication goes both ways. I've always tried to be present, but I know I also could do better in that area.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I don't want to overthink. I just want to feel emotionally safe and considered. Not just on the big ways, but in the small daily things, too. The truth is, I do care. That's what scares me. I get it. And I would have said that it's because you guys really like each other. You're scared that you're going to be taken, you know, for a ride. But I also need us to be more mindful of how we show up for each other. Okay, that. I don't know if that's fair. I'm open. I'm open to continuing this. If we can grow from this moment instead of repeating it.

[B]

Well, I'm not here to hurt you. I've already told you that. And just because I don't message you right away doesn't mean I'm avoiding you or making you feel any other way. Sometimes being scared isn't always bad. It keeps us on our toes. But sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. To know that it's going to be worth it. God. Just about to make some food. I know it's late.

[A]

I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I thought I could because I really like you, but I can't spend more. One more day of feeling like my nervous system is in fight orf flight. Thank you for everything. I truly mean that. But I just can't. I can't.

[B]

What? What do you mean?

[A]

I explained myself the other day. I'm not going to repeat it. You have your own life, and I'm no one to question you, so I need to step away.

[B]

Wait, are you referring to when you said you prefer to talk on the phone versus texting?

[A]

No, about communication. What I don't hear from you, I get in my head. It's not you, it's me. I know I need a lot of reassurance, but I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to you. Okay, this is protest behavior. This is the exact example of protest behavior. So I need to step away. Know about communication. When I don't hear from you, I get in my head. It's not you, it's me. I know. But I need a lot of reassurance, and I can't keep doing it. Doing this. It's not fair to you.

[B]

Oh, Dana.

[A]

Oh, Dana. Okay, so this protest behavior at its finest. Yeah. You. This is exactly. Thank you for writing in. Actually, I'm actually really grateful. Thank you for explaining the series we just had. And if you haven't listened to it, go back and watch it from, like, a month ago. We start with core beliefs. Your core beliefs are no one's gonna like me. No one's gonna pick me. No one's gonna choose me. I'm too much. Right. Insert it all. I don't care. I'm too much. I'm not good enough. And that's how you feel. And because that's. You're still working on that, that you're taking, that's the black and the white. He didn't text me. And you're creating an entire narrative and then going, so, that's it. I have to end it? Because that's the perception of control. I get to say it. I'm ending it. I'm the one calling the shots. I can't do this. And now you're such a martyr. I can't do that to you. That's not fair to you.

[B]

Honestly, what are we calling him? The Dude.

[A]

The Dude.

[B]

Okay, so Big Lebowski out of. Outside of that One, one point that he had made where he was kind of undercutting her about telling her not to overthink. I think he handled that incredibly beautifully. Incredibly well, given all of the nuances. Why did none of you just pick up the phone?

[A]

Pick up the phone. But this is where I'm saying like that is. That's the epitome of what self sabotage means in self protection that you're sabotaging, right? No, you're protecting. Your nervous system is going, I can't do this. And you're saying, you know what? Easiest thing. Welcome to Avoidant. Welcome to Avoidant. I need to remove myself. I can't do this. Thank you. Thank you for showing me what an avoidant person would be like in that situation. Because you can say this is anxious, anxiety, doesn't matter, I don't give a. What she exhibited is I can't do this, so I'm out. Doesn't work for me. I'm out. This makes me uncomfortable, don't want to do it anymore. Meanwhile, this poor guy is going, what? What are you talking about? Cuz I didn't text you for one day, the relationship is over. That's because TikTok taught you that, isn't it? Is that little 22 year old girl that's like if a guy doesn't text you every day, it's because they don't like Al.

[B]

Meanwhile, you're both parents. You think you would have some understanding that he has a 10 year old himself and he is, he has him that day and he's with his son and his family.

[A]

Here's the thing, I'm not gonna ever take away that if you're bummed he didn't text you, okay, then you communicate, hey, we talked about this like and I think that's the misconception. If you think think that a healthy and secure relationship means you say it once and that's it, then you are gravely mistaken and you will be single for the rest of your life. A healthy and secure relationship is built with two people who consistently communicate. If you are not making progress on the same issue, that's a very different story. Then maybe we're not addressing the root of it, but I have had many a talks with my partner of hey, this is what I need. And then I show examples so that he can go, got it, didn't understand it in this context. And then he, he can repair. This is to me the epitome of the black and white thinking, go listen to that episode. And then protest behavior of like, well, I Can't do this. And it's like, what did you want him to run after? You wanted him to martyr himself and throw himself on coals and beat himself until you accepted his apology?

[B]

Here's 500 texts.

[A]

Yeah. Or did you want him to just go, okay, thanks so much. And then you would have been like, see, I knew it. You have no proof to back up any of the story that was created. And instead of saying, I need to sit in the discomfort, I need to challenge through, because what that was, was, was an opportunity for connection of. Wow, thank you so much. I. Actually, you're right. That's on me. I didn't take accountability on that. I can. The phone does work two ways. How was your Sunday? Tell me. Or how was your Saturday? Tell me everything about your family. Thank you for listening to me. I just. I think I needed to get it out. We could have just moved right on. Could have moved right on. And instead you ended the relationship because this guy didn't text you for one single day. I want you to sit in that. You ended the relationship because for one day, someone didn't text you.

[B]

You.

[A]

And then I want you to come back and let me know why dating is so hard.

[B]

I don't have a whole lot to add to that. I think that.

[A]

And I. And you guys know I say that with love. I'm not beating you. I'm not trying to be an. I'm not making up. This is the epitome. I have not seen anything. And you know what? When she delivered, she sent the screenshot. He didn't even read it. He didn't even read it. Because I feel bad for this guy. I genuinely do.

[B]

She also could have blocked him right after that.

[A]

I hope not. And I hope not.

[B]

And then she. She wouldn't get the read receipts.

[A]

I hope not. But that's what I'll say, baby, is it's okay. We learned, right? We move on. If you can rectify like I, for me, I'd be eating crow. I would be going back saying, hey, oh, I up. That is all me. You literally didn't do anything wrong. You are allowed to not text me for a day. And you're right, I could have text you. You gave me ample understanding. And if we're going to be so myopic and so rigid that if they don't do this, then they're out.

[B]

Out.

[A]

Enjoy being single. Because I don't know anyone that is going to do a hundred percent of what you want them to do. And if your response is, well, I Just need reassurance. Learn to reassure yourself. That's where self soothing comes into play. That is where self sourcing, not outsourcing come into play. Because then you can stop and go, whoa, he was right. He was gone for a day. That doesn't mean anything. The relationship is not over. But I know how it feels because it's easier when you walk away going see knew it it than it is to sit in the discomfort and say whoa, I was wrong.

[B]

And she wrote in asking pretty much you for reassurance.

[A]

And I'm not giving.

[B]

I'm sorry, Dana. That was not reassurance.

[A]

I'm not giving you any. And that's okay. If you guys are disagree, you are allowed to. You are allowed to let me know what the relationship that you are in. If you're going to come and disagree and say I think she has every right to have broken up with him because of one text on one day. Are you in a happy and secure relationship? Are you with a partner that does everything you want? It's okay if not. But we gotta have under different experiences. I just can't again a week different story than a day in day singular day one day where he had already.

[B]

Communicated with you in advance that he's going to be with his son and his and working.

[A]

And then he can act onto you. Exactly. Morning of the next day completely quelling any insecurities. That's what I mean by we create narratives and then we hold on to them and then we project them and then we. We see the world in a way that we're. Look at that what you're trying to avoid. You literally created. You literally created it because you were trying to avoid it instead of being in it. And that's okay. We're learning. Hey Sabrina. This is my hinge profile that I have prompts. So we don't have any photos. Just to preface. We didn't provide. She didn't provide photos. And that's okay. We're just gonna go on prompts. So just so you guys know what I'm looking for and my non negotiables. I get a few likes a week. Some who don't bother even reading my profile since they fit under my non negotiable well because a lot of people are really guys. I don't know how many times I have to say this. People are terrible at self identification and a lot of people don't read. Right. Like we know that. And that's the beautiful thing is when you see that you don't waste your time you go, no, thank you.

[B]

Yeah, but at the same time, we're gonna get into that.

[A]

Yeah, fair. You read it, I didn't.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Okay. With that being said, how can I polish my profile to get matches that are more compatible with what I'm looking for? Thank you for your time and love listening to the podcast Kiki. This episode is sponsored by Nutrafol. I love Nutrafol. I don't miss a day I was having. My hair was thinning, it was shedding. I was having some hair issues and I've seen seen such an improvement in my hair growth. Decreased shedding, visible thickness, all while taking neutrophil. Take four pills a day with a meal, easy peasy, that's it. And I don't forget. It doesn't surprise me though because Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. You can feel great about what you're putting into your body. Since Nutrafol's hair growth supplements are backed by peer reviewed studies and NSF content certified, the gold standard and third party certification for supplements. So now you guys can thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Neutrophil for a limited time, Neutrophil is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping. When you go to nutrafol.com and enter the promo code Sabrina, find out why Nutrafol is the best selling hair growth supplement [e-mail] again that's n u t r a f o l dot com and the promo code is Sabrina. Again, that's nutrafol.com and the promo code Sabrina Now. Okay, first off, we need to manage some expectations. You cannot control the outcome, so you cannot control how can I get more compatible matches in a way that will work for me. And it's like you can only keep showing up authentically as yourself and hoping that people align.

[B]

So I just want to which she's not and we'll jump into.

[A]

Right, that's what I want to preface. Okay, which do we have in common?

[B]

Sure. There's three selection options. You like the outdoors and would like to buy a camper van one day. You have a passport, you want to travel and maybe even buy property overseas. Third, you enjoy cooking at home or know how to cook or open to learning how.

[A]

The one thing you should know about me is I'm bold.

[B]

So I don't entertain inconsistencies, small talk or having to do all the asking. Liking my pick or saying hi isn't enough to catch my interest. Bare minimum isn't my love. Language, effort and substance is no wonder.

[A]

She you were saying? That's why people she's saying they didn't read it.

[B]

We'll get along if here to date intentionally and delete this app for good. Like to travel slash new activities. Want to gym partners love dogs are direct slash straightforward. Respect standards slash boundaries. Have growth mindset. Take accountability. Have goals.

[A]

Something that's non negotiable for me.

[B]

Knows how to provide emotional safety. Is secure, emotionally intelligent. Have integrity, humble. You'll understand if you're watching why I just screamed that because it's in all caps. Have integrity, humble, loyal, mature, clear slash open communication. No liberal ideologies. No nose slash weird piercings. No cigarettes, weed or pills.

[A]

Okay. I know absolutely nothing about.

[B]

I was gonna say I know nothing.

[A]

What are. What do you guys remember? Stop it for a second. What are three things that you guys remember from the profile that we just said besides for the fact that there's a lot of rigidity here? I know nothing about you. Literally, I know nothing about you besides you like the outdoor wars, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which do we have in common? I don't even know if that's the one they have in common. I don't even know if that's the one. Okay, so you keep saying. So the only the one thing you should know about me is and you bring that back to what it is that you want them to do.

[B]

The one thing that you should know about me prompt should be changed because you didn't disclose an iota.

[A]

There's nothing about you.

[B]

About you.

[A]

The only thing you're telling me is you're not willing to and all this and love language and into guys we have to stop. This isn't a laundry list. Like this isn't a wish list. You're not with a matchmaker telling them everything that you want. You're creating connect. Do you Let me ask you a question. You go to a grocery store. You go to a bar. Is this how you started? Does somebody come up and talk to you and say by the way you.

[B]

Should my list of demands.

[A]

You should know. Are you liberal? Because if you're liberal. Get out of here. You have a nose piercing. Get out of here. We don't interact with humans like this.

[B]

So you smoke pot once in eighth grade.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

Kiki says no.

[A]

Kiki says no. And so I say this with love. I can understand why. Let me ask you what was your as A man. I know my impression as a woman. What was your impression as a man when you first saw this?

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

Yeah, that's why when I said that, I went, oh, yikes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And again, I'm not trying to be an asshole. You guys are sending them in. I'm just reading what I'm seeing. But there is nothing like you're bold to entertain. Entertain. Inconsistency, small talk, or having to do all the asking.

[B]

The reason why she's not having. Having the matches that she's looking for is because she's putting out a resume and a list of demands, not an invitation for connection.

[A]

Thank you. And this is all what, you know, what I hear? These are all the reason. These are all the ways you got over in the past.

[B]

Yeah. There's no emotional warmth, no playfulness. No. Your energy screams, I've been hurt before and I'm protecting myself. Healthy boundaries don't need to be announced. They are shown in actions and energy.

[A]

Then we go on and we'll get along. If you're here to dint intentionally and it's like, okay, cool. Like, you're intentional with the way that you date. Love that. Fine. Right. We, like, that's the only. That should have been it. You're here to date intentionally. Like, I meant. I apologize when I meant that should have been it meaning, like, as far as what you're looking for, like. Like, you don't need to sit here and be like, I want someone. This, this, this, this. Again, people are at self identification. Real quick, is anybody watching Love is Blind?

[B]

You know I am because we are on the couch.

[A]

So by the time this comes out, it could be the end. And I don't know. But we're recording this when it's only a few episodes airing. The one girl, was it Anna. Anna, whatever her name was. The first girl.

[B]

First girl.

[A]

The girl that. So anyways, the girl, Anna, I think when she was talking to one of the guys, she says, oh, I don't ghost. I don't go, yeah. She says, I've never ghosted. And he said, you've never ghosted? She's like, no, I maybe just didn't answer a text. The next day, Anna left the house without saying goodbye to anybody. She literally ghosted two people. And one of them ended up going home because he was so bummed and hurt. So my point being, people are terrible. So when you keep saying, I want a partner that does X, Y and Z, do you think as someone reading that, they're like, oh, I'm secure I'm emotionally intelligent. I'm aware. No, they don't. They don't. I never put any of that. What? I had your growth minded and some committed to the. I had one serious prompt. You know why? Because I knew there'd be a lot of people that didn't resonate with that. Then I had playful. Then I went into more about me because I knew I wanted to show deep depth, but I didn't need the entire profile to scream, I don't trust myself.

[B]

Every prompt is an instruction, not an invitation. Yeah, you have to do X, Y and Z.

[A]

You have to like, do you want to try? Okay, let me ask you this. You want to travel, Try new activities? I'm sorry, but how many people do you know that are like, oh, I hate traveling, I hate trying new things. I want to stay home all day and never leave the house.

[B]

It's all criteria, no connection.

[A]

It's all criteria. And it's all like basic. It's basic. You need to respect my standards and boundaries. What the does that mean? Right? Like you think a narcissist reading that is like y' all do that?

[B]

Well, the best profiles spark curiosity and invite conversation. This does the exact opposite. Incredibly rigid and offers no invitation for conversation.

[A]

It's a laundry list. Right. And something that's a non negotiable for me. Knows how to provide emotional safety. But Kiki, what does that mean? What does that mean? Do you know how many men I talk to that are like, I don't know what the that means?

[B]

Well, you also don't give someone emotional safety. You create a space, you co create that.

[A]

That's what I'm saying is like I don't give Ryan emotional safety. He doesn't give me emotional safety. We've created that in our home.

[B]

Home also capitalizing secure screams insecurity.

[A]

Exactly. Most people are not self identifying going, I'm secure, emotionally intelligent. Most people don't know what that is. Have integrity, humble, loyal, mature, clear, open communication. It's just I see rigidity and I'm, that's why I'm not shocked that one. You're getting messages like guys are Harding your stuff and not listening and not reading. Or that you're not getting a lot of matches. Because I think people are reading that going, yeah, no thanks.

[B]

Yeah, no thanks. And just that. But it's also mixing depth with weird superficial judgments.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Knows how to provide emotional safety. Sits right next to no liberal ideologies and no nose slash weird piercings that instantly confuses the Message it's both moralistic and somehow shallow.

[A]

And on the same token, why do you need to say no one with a nose piercing, let them match with you and you just press the X. Yeah, like you can just press the X button, go, that's not what I'm looking for. I don't want someone like that. But it's like also I go onto the point, what does liberal ideologies mean? Does that mean you're against abortion and gay marriage or are you going, no, no, I'm fine with that. I mean the homeless, I don't, whatever it is, I don't care. But what does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean? Because if I saw no conservative ideologies, I'd go, well, I'm not conservative. But I mean I definitely have some thoughts that I agree with. Right. Like, because that's what I mean of like, if I see no liberal ideologies, my thought would go, oh, I shouldn't contact her. But I don't consider myself one way or another. What I would look at is I'm growth minded. And that's why my profile said that I'm looking for someone growth minded who has depth. Because I'm giving what I'm actually looking for in a partner of like, I want somebody who I. Mine was a lot more thought out when I really had this versus what I'm giving you right now. But I cannot tell you how many people commented on that saying, this is so refreshing. And this is what I've been looking for.

[B]

Absolutely. Let's help her out.

[A]

Let's help her out.

[B]

Kiki needs some work.

[A]

Kiki needs love and some work. Let's go, babe. What think do you, you think, first.

[B]

Off, remove the three selection criteria. It's not serving you.

[A]

I'm going to start off on scratch. Remove all your prompts. We're starting from scratch.

[B]

We're starting from. But also get rid of the three selection criteria. It offers the lowest effort capability. So someone, they choose one and that's it. Yeah. So someone chooses cooking at home. Then what the onus is on you to either come up with a conversation around cooking at home or, or just put the connection into the ether and.

[A]

Have them double message or segues into, is that our first date?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, are you gonna make me a meal for our date?

[B]

And you're like, exactly.

[A]

Because it's like, sure, what are they gonna message? What do you like to cook? And it's like, okay. And then you say, I love Italian. Awesome, I don't cook.

[B]

And you're Like, I'm allergic to tomatoes. Right.

[A]

Awesome. There's no. There's no. There's no fodder. Right. If I. If I were at the store and I would. I start talking to you because I'd be like, do you like to cook at home? I don't. I don't know. Not really. Actually, I kind of hate it. Sorry. I'm gonna be honest. I don't do the cooking in the house. He does.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And I don't do cooking at home. Evening. Like, to me, that's not a big romance. That's our night, every single night. So to me, the romance is going out and doing something that's a fun date. That's why I'm saying I think we cut off a lot of people when it's very myopic of you. What we're conversing. The question we had before. If you don't do it this way, then it's wrong. You need to do it this way. Way. What I hear from that is I don't feel like I have control over my own life, so I need to control everything else around me. And that's okay. That's okay. I'm not, like, saying that that's a good or a bad, but that's just what I'm seeing.

[B]

She kind of had the framework. She just answered the questions terribly. So the one thing you should know about me. Great. Use that or some other thing that can act as and about me. You know, start more meaningful. Or instead of just a list of traits or preferences, have a narrative structure story. Like, tell people about who you are, what you do, what you love, hobbies, interests, passions, things like that.

[A]

Something that they can start a conversation. My profile, the. For what you commented on when I said new from. I just put that at the bottom of my answer. But it. We will get along. Or, like, one thing you should know about me is I eat dinner to get to dessert, and I always have snacks in my bag. What's in your wars? I started a conversation that was like.

[B]

I didn't respond to that.

[A]

No, but then you responded to the one that says, new from New York to la. Go easy on me. And you responded to that. But the amount of. I cannot tell you how many dudes would be like, what's your snack? Or like, what does. Oh, great. Where are we going for dessert? What's your favorite dessert? And then I'd go back being like, chocolate cake. What about you? Ooh, I'm a lemon bar kind of guy. Whoa. You put dessert. You put Fruit in your dessert. Yikes. That should be illegal. Well, how about I take you to my favorite lemon bar place?

[B]

Place.

[A]

You're right. Like, look at the way I'm evil. You're same new from New York. When you wrote and you were like, oh, I've never spent a ton of time in New York, but. And you wrote me a whole paragraph of, like, how people think that you're from New York, and I understand that you're not. I say that with love after you met me. But, like, it started something. It gave you a thing. How many people you asked me, what's the biggest difference that you notice between LA and California? Yeah, I gave.

[B]

Start an actual conversation and because it's about me. Show up with curiosity. Curiosity.

[A]

And it was about me. I do eat dinner to get to dessert. That is 100 factual and 100 real. And I also put that on there in case people are like, I don't eat sweets. I'm like, well, you might not want to be with me, but I. I gave people things to start a conversation instead.

[B]

You could just date you for three years and make you healthier over time.

[A]

Yeah, I still eat dessert on time now, thank you very much. And I got you into that. But my point being is use the profile. Think about when you're out in public. When you're out in public and you look at someone and you're like, I don't know how to start a conversation with them. Right. That's the point of these. Whereas versus when I go out and I'm looking right. When I used to go out, I'd be like, all right, he's wearing a whoop. I'm gonna talk about that. And I would go up and be like, I did that at the gym all the time. Is that the gen 3 or 4? And then when the, you know, you get the head.

[B]

What?

[A]

I just want to know what do you think of that? Because then if they're like, yeah, I like it. And they put their, okay, cool, thank you. Then it's innocent. Versus you're like, I'll right off. Exactly. Then I. Otherwise, then they start a conversation, and next thing you know, you're talking. Oh, you have that. Yeah, yeah. I used to have. Gives you something to talk about, even if you don't care about it. I don't care. If you look at one of their. If you have on one of their photos that you're wearing red glasses and they're like, I love those red glass. I don't care. But it's about giving Something that they can talk about. That way, you get matches that feel like they're more in alignment with what you're actually looking for, because you're not telling people what you're looking for. You're vetting people as to what you're looking for.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Because here's the thing you put about you. You can see how they respond and how they converse with you. That will tell you, do they respect my boundaries? Do they have respect? Are they all of these things? Why don't we start to look at that by seeing somebody instead of analyzing it up front and then wondering why, Oh, I don't know. It's like, well, because I don't think you trust yourself.

[B]

Also, let's make sure that we're not just giving people lists of demands that you're expecting from them. It's fine to. To. To set expectations of what you're looking for in a partner, but talk about the actions that you're looking for, not the demands of their behavior on how you expect them to show up.

[A]

Yeah, like, something that you can say is like, I'm intent. Like, I'm intentional with the way that I date. Not like, mine was not looking for casual or a pen pal. I think I said, like, not looking for a pen pal or a hookup. That was why. And that way I was very clear off the bat. But here's the funny thing, and here's why I say, be careful what you put on your profile. Because I would go out with guys, and then I'd go, go, I'd him, but I don't want to see him again. But then I just contradicted myself. I put on my profile. I'm not looking for a hookup. So that's where I'm like, yeah, just be honest. That's why I say I'm intentional the way that I date. And then when you're with it, because if someone goes, what does that mean? You can say, if I spend more time with you, that's because I genuinely think we're building something, But I'm not going to see you on a consistent basis if we're just. Or hooking up. That's what I said to you.

[B]

Absolutely. After we hooked up on our first date.

[A]

So, Kiki, I say it with love, baby. I just think we can do better matter. You guys know I say this with love. And I'm not. We're not trying to sit here, like, with a magnifying glass over ants being like. It's more about, like, hey, you guys are giving this to me, I'm gonna tell you exactly what I see and how because I I'll tell you this, if I coddled you and said, oh, you guys did such a great job, oh my God, that profile is great, but that's not actually helping you versus, hey, here's the reality and here are what both of us think would help. Take it with what? Take it with grain of salt.

[B]

Here's how two people, strangers on the Internet, are perceiving what you're putting forward to other strangers on the Internet for sight.

[A]

That's a really good way of putting it. And you're right because we were strangers on the Internet. Yeah, guys, this is fun. I hope you guys like tech guy on it because I love when tech guy's on the episodes with me. We get to have fun and you guys get to see a different side of our relationship, which is always fun.

[B]

It's us.

[A]

It's us. Yeah, guys, as always, thank you. Thank you. Don't forget in the [e-mail] set and we can keep it anonymous. We are good. We can change your names like, do not worry about that. If you don't want to be great, thrilled.

[B]

But this segment of the show is only as good as the stories we receive. So if you like in the trenches and you want to continue the advice section, you got to send it your.

[A]

Yeah. So don't forget at Sprint, in the [e-mail] and if not, if you want a private dating profile audit, we do that. You can go the link in show notes sabrinazaro.com you can purchase a question where we answer directly. I answer to you in your email. He sends you an email and with from me and him of a dating profile audit, you can work one on one. You can join the foundation course. We have a new offering coming soon because this is coming out November so it's coming out in the new year.

[B]

Twist them nipples.

[A]

Twist them nipples, baby. But whatever you guys need, please just know I'm here. And if not. And you're just here to listen to the podcast, that's awesome. Thank you so much for being here, guys. As always, if you want ad free. You can subscribe if you want instead of complaining about ads. By the way, complaining adds more stress to your life. So cut that. But if you guys want more, feel free. Everything will [e-mail] you can subscribe if you want and if not, not. Thank you for just being here, thank you for listening and thank you for being part of the community. That's all we're asking for, just so you know that there's more to be had if you want.

[B]

And as we're out throwing, thank you for what you do for these people. I know that it's a heavy burden at times that you carry and there's a lot of emotional weight that gets put onto your shoulders and I see that firsthand and I just, I know that there's a lot of thankful people out there. So I'm going to thank you on bas but them and I love the out of you. Thanks, honey.

[A]

I love you too. On that note, I love you guys. Thank you so much for being here and thank you for letting us continue the show with you. Because without you, I wouldn't be here. And I mean that in every humble way. So until next time, babes.

[B]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway.

[A]

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