Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:02]
A
Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first there, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babes. Welcome back to another Friday. So we have a D part series. Duh, right? Hi. Someone's learning French. A two part series. And we're gonna go into today shame and blame. So today we're gonna talk about blame. Why do you keep blaming yourself? Why you can't move on? Why do you keep always going back onto the guilt trips and all that? And then the second part is going to be shame. So we split so that we have two parts to this so you guys can come back next week and hear the other part. But I'm so excited because we're evolving, we're growing and we're seeing other sides to the coin. It's not just about how people do me dirty. It's also about how am I showing up and what am I internalizing? Because as always, it comes back to us. So, guys, as always, thank you for everything. Don't forget, rate, review the show. Leave a comment wherever you're listening to. Please share it with your friends and rate and review it if you think it's worth a five star. We just ask for kindness in our language because we are building a community of safety here. Safe. So without further ado, babies, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. I'm excited about today and next week's episode that I'm going to be recording because I really took my time to like sit and understand, okay, what's coming up? And again, as always, I write in the questions on Instagram, on the Sabrina Zohar show on Insta, if you follow. And you guys, a ton of you had asked, like, I can't move on knowing I did something wrong. So we're going to go into all of that and some of the questions even that you guys have asked and sent in along the way. But before we go into that, that the reason I wanted to have this conversation was this is a huge part for me. I grew up with a narcissistic caregiver and that looks like consistently feeling like everything is my fault because when the person in the home, everything revolves around them. When you're not making them happy, when you're not satisfying them, you then internalize, oh, my God, it's my fucking fault. Like, what did I do? And I allowed people, they would blame me. People would deflect onto me and say, well, you're doing this and you're doing this. And when I really didn't have that self trust and when I really didn't understand what was happening, I internalized it and I believed it. That was a big thing with my ex, was every, some, for some reason. Well, I know why the narcissist key piece is the important part. But every single time it would land with him blaming me for everything. Somehow me apologizing to him, somehow me being sorry for being upset and how dare I call him out on anything. And it became the cycle where eventually I realized, like, I needed to get off the merry go round. And it's funny, I was, I was on with my client yesterday and she said, how do I get to this? How do I get to where you are? What made you get here? And I was like, I just told her, I was like. One day I woke up and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was so exhausted from being Groundhog's Day. Every day, feeling the same, doing the same. That's why even now, like I have been working Dr. Tori and we figured out I have that free cortisol stuff that's like with my body. And I've been taking a supplement. Now even just that one minute detail, one small thing I've done for me has like almost freed me from the shackles. I don't have that same anxiety of when waking up and going to bed too. I keep telling her I'm like, every day I'm feeling like 3 to 5% better, which is huge. And for the first time, you guys, the first time I was laying in bed the other night, I forgot to take my supplement. This is, it's. You take it at night, in the morning, for me, just for what I'm dealing with. And I forgot to take it. And I literally woke up and I. In my head, the first thought that came was, oh my God, dude, you didn't take your supplement. Like, no wonder you can't sleep. So I was going into the blaming myself, like, you're an idiot. Why would you. And instead of going down that road of like panic and starting to hyperventilate, I literally said, you know what, dude, you're a human. You made a mistake. You'll put, you'll take it in the morning. And I could feel my body relax. I could feel the dopamine release in my brain. When I showed myself compassion, when I showed myself grace, when I Didn't try to attack my self. And I've also been allowing myself. Like last night we went to a Netflix event. I was on cloud nine. I was like, this is why we moved to la. Like, I feel it, I know it's coming. Like I felt it in my loins and I was like this. And then I woke up this morning going, maybe it's not. Oh my God. No, wait, what, dude, what are you talking about? You're just fucking kidding yourself. Like, look at, look at your number. Look at. Right? And I started going into reconfirmation of like, no, no, no, you need to find what's not working so that you can prove to yourself that it's your fault that it's not working. And I default to blame. And instead now I'm learning to just say, hey, you're going to go on the waves one day. You're going to be like, oh my God, I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I got this, you world, I'm coming for it. And then something small might happen or you wake up and all of a sudden you' am I here? What's my point? What's my purpose? Like, what is the what? What are we all doing this for? That's really normal. And it was so interesting. I was actually out to lunch with my friend yesterday and I said, man, some days I wake up and I blame myself so hard for why everything happened and my, you know, full accountability, right, Accountability different than blame. And I said, you know, sometimes I just want to say it and be done with it all. And she goes, oh yeah, haha. When you're driving, you just think, what if I. What if I just like veered my car off and it just went off the side? And when she said it, I was like, wait a minute, you think that too? And she was like, yeah, dude, that's really human. And I was like, I wouldn't do that. But I was like, holy. I want to share that story in case you have that moment of, oh my God, you think this too. You're not alone. It is really tough being a human. And if you have moments where you're like, what if I just gave up right now? That's okay for you to have them of like, what if? But then you remind yourself, no, I'm not. Because the alternative, if I take my last breath, I don't get a chance, I don't get an opportunity, I don't get another try at this time. So I'm gonna make the godd most of it while I Have breath. So we're going to do that together and we're going to go over what's going on. What's going on. So some of you guys have written in. My brain keeps blaming me for my ex cheating and leaving. How do I stop? Or I logically know it wasn't my fault, but I can't stop self blaming. So that's what we're going to dive in today. Why your brain literally won't let you forgive yourself or you know, really let you do anything about forgiveness with yourself, even when everyone else has. Even when you know it wasn't your fucking fault. And here's the thing, this isn't about you being weak. There's actually neuroscience, which is what we're going to go as to why some brains are wired for self punishment more than others. So let's get right on into it. So the self blame brain. So there was something called the neural highway discovery. And you know what I realized? I've. By the way guys, I. You might not think I watch every episode. I read all the comments. Well me or tech, I read all the comments. Sometimes we specifically ignore them and sometimes, you know, I'll be on the, on the run and I, I see it and I think I'm on the way. I realized that I don't want to say the studies after really after I was hearing it, I was like, you sound dumb. So if you want the studies I'm happy to send them to you, but I'm just going to go ahead and give you the title of the study and not have to botch the names. Researchers at King's College London discovered that self blame creates hyperconnectivity between your anterior temporal cortex and your subgenual cortex. So what does that mean in layman's term in English so we can understand. Your brain builds an eight lane highway for self blame. So the more you use it, the stronger it gets. This actually predicts Dick's future depressive episodes. And the reason I wanted to talk about the neuroscience to start is to debunk things. That you think you're the only one or that you think you're the up. I lived that life for so long guys. All I used to do was blame myself for everything. A guy didn't like me, must be my fault. Somebody didn't want to be with me. That's it. I'm the up. I didn't get the job cuz you're not good enough. Dude, why the would you think anybody would like you? And that was a physical and Mental manifestation for me of my brain creating all of, of these highways so that I could blame myself. Because you know why? If I blame myself, all roads lead back to me. Because if I blame me, I take full accountability. And if I take full accountability and ownership, then it was in my control. And if it was in my control, I could have changed the outcome. And that is not actually based in any kind of fact or logic. That is really just that emotional side of our brain saying, but I could have changed the outcome. And that's the reality. You couldn't. Now we have the physical pain study. So we know that your brain has wiring and that's. I'm kind of like a kid who got a new pair of sneakers. When I hear a new study, I'll probably say it 20 times. Yay. You'll remember. So the study that I was seeing, that if you complain for up to three minutes, even three minutes of complaining adds one to two hours of cortisol stress to your day. And so then what happens? Your brain is like, hey, this is what we want. The more you give it, the more dopamine it receives, the more attention you give it, the more your brain's like, got it. Okay, so this is what they want. I'm doing a great job. This is. So you're reconfirming that road. That's why when we have an eight lane highway of blame, it's not shocking that you just keep getting back on the road. So when you say it physically hurts, you're not being dramatic. Brain scans actually show that self blame activates the anterior cingulate cortex. That is the same region as physical pain. That's why when a breakup happens, I feel like my heart is broken. You're not being dramatic. That's why I'm like when you said I will validate, like, yeah, that that's actually how it feels. You genuinely believe that someone came in, ripped your heart out, threw it on the floor and is stepping on it with a flash knife and just going to town. Because that part of your brain activates. And so your brain just knows I'm in pain. That's why it feels so intense. And that's why we also say, do not start to get back on the loops of like checking the instas, checking the stories, because you're just going deeper on that neural pathway. This episode is sponsored by Herobred. You guys. Winter season and holiday feasting is amongst us. And for me, I am so excited because I will be bringing hero bread to Thanksgiving this year. Cuz your girl is making garlicky dinner rolls made with 0 gram N carb. Hero Hawaiian rolls. Or maybe I might even make some lazy weekend brunch spreads with 10 grams of protein on each Hero croissant. I'm obsessed with herobread. I'm always trying to make better choices, especially about what I'm eating. And I am so obsessed because it tastes delicious, it is nutritious, it has everything you could possibly need. And you would never know there are 0 to 5 grams of net carbs and high fiber. From the texture, there is no compromise. Zero grams of sugar, high in fiber. And all of your favorite recipes are covered with herobr. Sliced bread loaves, tortillas, bagels and dinner rolls. Everything you could possibly need. And guys, Herobred is offering 10% off your order. Now go to Hero Co and use the code Sabrina at checkout. Again, that's the code Sabrina. H E R O co. Then there was something called the guilt versus shame revelation. So guilt I did something bad and shame I am bad light up completely different brain regions. And most of us don't even know which one we're experiencing. And I think that's really interesting. The feel I guilt I did something bad. Shame I am bad. I think it's really important for us to hold on to that difference. And it's very real. So one of you guys are written in and asked, but I feel bad because I didn't want to be a. What does that mean? Well, that's shame about your identity, not guilt about an action. Do you notice the difference? I feel bad. I don't want to be a. So you're shaming. I am a. I am an. I am these things refusing you're not feeling guilty about. I feel like I would be a because I would hurt their feelings. Right Then you're like, huh? Does that actually make any sense? No. Does that make me? No. That's where we have to say, what is the difference here between how we're identifying with what we're feeling? Is it your action that's a cause or your identity? When you fuse with your identity, baby, it's really hard to defuse that. That's part of a lot of the stuff that I do in the courses. Which, by the way, guys, as always, the shameless plug. If you need more, join the foundation. Course it is eight weeks. It gives you everything. We have some new stuff coming out in the new year as well. We have a going slow course, babies. Everything is going to be in the Lincoln show. Not notes. You can work one on one. You can ask a question. You can download the free guides, whatever you guys need. Please know everything@sabrina zohar.com or right here. There's a stand store link in the show notes or my website. So please just know that's an option. And if not, thanks for listening to the podcast. The last thing I will call out ad free. Stop complaining about fucking ads on a goddamn free show. I say that with a lot of love, but this is a free resource for you guys. I've had four ads since I started the show two years ago. So if you want ad free, join on up. It's $4 a month. If not, that's totally cool. Enjoy the show. You guys had asked friendship breakup and now I feel like the bad gu. Well, go back and listen to the friendship episode, which was always. It was actually shocking. I thought that was going to do better, but here we are anyways, we'll keep doing more, but notice again, the bad guy not I did something bad. You're making it about who you are, not what happened to you. And that's what I mean by refuse. And we have to. You know, I'll be honest with you guys. I feel like nowadays language has kind of gone out the window. Words are very important. We can't just be throwing left, right and center. And it's like, because you don't understand what it does to your psyche. That's why I yell and scream with like, stop identifying. Stop calling people. You know, somebody wrote in today being like, I had two dates. She ended it with me. Could it be because she's avoidant? It's like, what are you trying to understand their attachment style when you had two dates and they said, I don't feel it. Stop trying to understand everybody else and instead come back to you. And don't fuse with that. And this is why we're going to go into it. This is why knowing doesn't help, because this is why intellectualizing isn't going to get you to where you want. Because again, I could go and say, imagine if I intellectualize how to do brain surgery. I've read all the books, I did all the courses, I read all the podcasts. Pass. It doesn't mean when I go to do it, I know what the I'm doing that there's a different. We have to exercise different muscles. That's also why I say, like, failure doesn't exist anymore. There are lessons that you're learning and if you're not learning from them, okay, well, then that's the failure. If you ask me. So there was a study done. Your logical brain, which is the prefrontal cortex, and your emotional brain, which is the amygdala, literally speak different languages. So trying to fix feelings with logic is like using Excel to heal a broken heart. And the reason that we say that is it's two different parts. That's why we say different tools, different techniques. There is a reason. There is a reason journaling, meditating, yoga are important. I used to, I used to scoff. I used to be like, this is stupid. This is pointless. Those are just buzzwords. Now I understand. I'm like, no meditation allowed me to put space between my thoughts and my feelings so that I could watch thoughts go by and not act on them. Yoga helped me get into my body, helped me move my nervous system and regulate. Journaling helped me get it out of my brain and process in a different way. They're not just buzzy, it's because is lot. You can't think your way out of feeling better. You can't. This episode is sponsored by I am eight. Guys, you might remember I started drinking I made's daily essentials to help me with my low energy, my digestion, my focus. And now that I've been drinking it regularly, I'm really starting to feel the shift. I don't get enough nutrients in my day and hydration. And so that's what I really love is like, I feel a little clearer, I'm able to get through my day and I feel like I'm actually supporting my body in a way that works. And why I love it is I am eight daily ultimate essentials is my go to because you get the benefits of 16 different different supplements in one drink. Plus, what makes IM8 stand out so much is they combine science with nature. So it's been through clinical trials where 95% of participants felt more energetic and 85 said their digestion improved and less bloating. Guys, you can start feeling your best self every day with iM8. Go to im8health.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina for a free welcome kit. Five free travel sachets plus 10% off your order. Again, that's i8. I am the number eight. H E-A-L-T-H.com Sabrina the code Sabrina for a free welcome Kit. Five free travel sachets Plus 10 off your order. Again, that'S IM8health.com Sabrina and the code is Sabrina. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent Any disease. This episode is sponsored by Cash App. Have you guys ever been scammed? Because I have. I luckily figured it out ahead of time. But the most common scam in New York was people putting on Craigslist. Oh, if you send me money, I can give you this apartment for way cheaper. And I was never going to fall for that. And now even more, I'm not going to fall for that. Because when you have the Cash App card, not only do you get access to a ton of perks and benefits like exclusive early access to nationwide concerts, pre sales or discounts on popular brands, but you also have extra security with the power to instantly lock or unlock your card right from your phone in just one tap. So if a suspicious transaction pops up on your card, Cash App has your back by automatically declining the purchase and sending you a heads up to confirm if it's you or not, baby. Behind the scenes, you can rest assured knowing your account balance is protected by 24. 7 fraud monitoring. So you can spend with a peace of mind today and order a Cash App card in the app or at Cash App Card guys. For a limited time, new Cash app customers earn $10 if they use the code Secure10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Again, use the code Secure10 in your while at sign up and send $5 to a friend Within 14 days and you can earn $10. Cash app is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash Apps Bank Partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank Member fdic. Discounted promotions provided by Cash App A Block Inc. Brand Visit Cash app LegalSOD podcast for full disclosures. Your ex cheated and somehow you made it your fault. They lied. They betrayed you. They broke your trust. And you're over here asking, what did I do wrong? Let me tell you what's happening. Your brain would rather you be guilty than helpless. If it's your fault you had had control, you could have prevented it. If you could have prevented it, you're not vulnerable. But here's the reality, baby. Sometimes people are just that's it. It has nothing to do with you. And sometimes it truly has everything to do with them and how they handle conflict or the lack thereof. Your brain just can't accept that. And you can do everything right and still fucking get hurt. And then we have something called the body bridge. Since logic can't reach emotions directly, we use your body as a translator. So what does that actually mean? Your hand on your head. Head logic. Your hand on your Heart, emotion. Take five deep breaths to connect them because both are real and valid. These are what I mean by these little things. I know you're probably like, is this dumb, really? Telling me to put like a tap on my head, in my stomach? It's random things like that. Like, actually, yeah. If you start to feel anxious, hop backwards on one foot and count to 10. What you're doing is you're tricking your brain. Because just as easily as we can go onto those paths, we can create new ones. I. The reason I share again so much about me is so that you guys can see how I'm practicing this and putting this into practice every day. When I say, like, holy, I woke up and my brain didn't go to where I naturally automatically did. That didn't just happen because I'm just so special and I am just such a unique, crazy. No, it's because I do the work every goddamn day. I show up every day for myself. I don't blame myself for not doing something. I allow myself to take rest when it's needed, but I also challenge myself. Like this morning, did you think I wanted to go to Pilates at 7am I. No, no. I wanted to lay in bed and I wanted to watch more ID channel. And I didn't. Instead, I said, sabrina, you said something to yourself. You're going to do it because you're going to hold your word. And I didn't blame or shame myself for doing that. Someone asked. I logically know it wasn't my fault, but I can't stop ruminating. I want you to try this. Set a rumination appointment, literally. Because that, what that does, it allows you to know that you're going to get to it. So at 5pm when I'm home from work, I'm going to give myself 20 minutes to ruminate outside of those. Those, those thoughts, wait for their appointment. That way, you're not stopping them, you're scheduling them. You're giving yourself the choice and the freedom to say, and right now doesn't work. Right. It's the same. Even. Like, I have a friend that we haven't spoken in two months. And every time I go to reach out, I'm like, I reached out to her and she didn't answer me. Okay. Right. I don't need to. I ruminate in a spiral and I check the text and I'm like, you know what? When I get home later today, I'm going to allow myself to freak out about this. But right now I have work to do. I have Clients, I have stuff to do. I cannot put my life on hold because of other people. People's. And then let's actually talk about the replay addiction. What is that? It's 3am and you're replaying the one thing that you did in 2019. Your brain is convinced that if you analyze it enough, you can somehow, I don't know, change what happened. But here's the reality. Your brain doesn't know the difference between replaying and rehearsing. So every replay that you do strengthens the neural pathway of self blame. You're not actually processing. You're literally practicing self torture. That goes back to what we were talking about earlier of the more you do things you replay, you go into it. You're not actually helping yourself grow. Eventually, guys like, let me. Let's be honest, let's call it what it is. You get to a point. My mom always said, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll make a change. Eventually you get to a point where it's like, I think you know very well you're not processing anymore. And the reason I love the DMS I get from you guys of like, oh, my God, I'm doing the work isn't because, sure, some of you guys aren't in relationships. It's not always about, I met the person. You know why? It's because you're making choices. You are saying, I'm done feeling this way. Why do you think I started working with Dr. Twitter? Why? Well, let me ask you. Why do you think I go to therapy every week? Why do you think I go to the gym? Why do you. Why do you think I do all this is because I know if I don't do anything different, then nothing is going to change. And that my life is my responsibility now. There are things I can't control. But if I don't feel great or if I'm not feeling good, I don't like this, and this doesn't work for me, then I'm going to do everything in my power. And that took me years. I'm still on this journey. So please know we have got to get to a point where eventually you say, I'm tired of this. And, you know, some people do that, they'll stop listening to the show. They'll hop off and they'll just say, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to go back to what I was. And that's more than okay. You have every right. If this is our last time together, Ariva Dare you, baby. It was great to have you or first or anywhere in between. Welcome. But you do have control. You don't have to keep blaming yourself for why your life is like this, but you could take accountability for what your pardon it was. This episode is sponsored by AG1. Guys. It's the holiday time. Plus it's been getting darker earlier and for me that really throws me off my rhythm. I do not like that at 4 o' clock it's dark and so it's really important for me to make sure I get my superfoods and B vitamins that support steady energy without the crash. The best part is that with one scoop of AG1 this holiday season, you don't have to be thrown off. You get daily immune support from antioxidants, probiotics and functional mushrooms. It tastes delicious. Add it to 8 to 12 ounces of water in the morning and wham, bam baby. You got everything you need to take care of yourself this holiday season. So guys, head to drink ag1.com Zohar to get a free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 + K2. Doesn't matter where you live baby, you need vitamin D3 + K2. I do not miss a day. And you get that when you first subscribe. Again, that's drinkag1.com Zohar and again guys, that's drinkag1. Com Zohar to get your free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 when you first subscribe. This is the one rule I want you to extract and exit it. What was the lesson? Write it in one sentence. Every time your brain replays, I want you to repeat that sentence out loud. What's the lesson? And then say it. Because your brain will get bored once it knows what you've learned. Isn't that interesting that your brain is like, nah, I'm good. No thanks. Because it's a predictive machine. So it's like, oh, they learned. Got it. Hence why we can move on with things. Someone asked, what do I do? I always rethink about a text I sent. Well, your brain thinks that there is a perfect text. You've convinced yourself that if I'm just perfect, if I get. If I do everything right, I will get the outcome I desire. But there's not. I want you to write your lesson. I text when I'm emotional. And then what's the future rule? I'm going to wait two hours before sending Done that way you don't need to analyze what you're doing. That way you have trust that you know what it is that you're doing. That when you say something. That's why I'm always saying too, you can put it in your notes. I never sent Ryan the breakup text. Thank God, here we are. And I'm glad I didn't. Because not everything needs to be in the moment. The friend I was just telling you guys about. I'm a texter. No, it's sitting in my notepad. Should I decide to? Maybe. But I'm good. I don't need to beg and run after somebody. And when I send a text, I know what you've mean. Do you know how many times I've opened up my phone? Like when I thought. When that girl, when I thought and I was like, oh my God, is she ghosting me? And I kept rereading the text and I was like, hey dude, this isn't helping you. This isn't helping you move on. This isn't helping you process. You're just getting back into what the did I do? What's wrong with me? Why isn't this working? And it's like, because I'm trying to figure out what wasn't. What can I do to get what I want want. Sometimes it's just about accepting it. Did you guys know that there are three types of self blamers? The first type is the one that takes the responsibility. Thief. This is my mama. They take blame for others actions, right? So the cheating acts, the narcissist's behavior, all of those things. So that's my mama. If somebody else does something, she'll say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry they did that. And I'm like mom, why is that your responsibility? How are you taking blame and responsibility for what your son, your ex husband, your sister, any of these people did. Why is this your responsibility ability? Now we have the second one, the good person prisoner. This type can't set boundaries without feeling evil. You know why you feel guilty for having boundaries? Because somewhere along the way you learned that being good meant having no needs. Because that was probably what a caregiver taught you. That being nice meant never saying no. That being lovable meant never making anyone uncomfortable. Because hey, I have control, right? So now when someone disrespects you and you want to leave, your brain goes, ah, no, that's mean. No, that's not mean. That's self respect right there in action. You're not a rehabilitation center for badly behaved Adults, you are allowed to leave rooms where you are not respected. That's not being. That is showing basic respect for yourself. And like, frankly speaking, it gets exhausting. It's you. You start to overanalyze. You overthink. You overthink. You spiral. And guys, if you remember the series from a couple of weeks ago about the overthinking and the over texting and the protest behavior, it's exhausting. Sting. And here's the thing about all these three types. You've probably apologized 47 times. They said they forgive you. Everyone's moved on except you. You're still punishing yourself for that thing that you did six months ago. But do you know why? Because you don't actually want their forgiveness. I know that might sound really crazy. You want to go back in time and not need it. You want to undo the thing that required the apology. But that's not how time works. So you're stuck in this loop where no amount of forgiveness is enough because what you really want is impossible to have never messed up in the first place. First place, There's a full assessment to determine your type, but truth be told, most people are mixed. So the solution depends on your primary pattern. So I want you to start to look at each one of those and be objective about it. Of like, okay, do I try to take accountability for everybody else's up? Is it like that my ex cheat on me, Must have been my fault. I didn't treat him well. I didn't do this, I didn't do that. She did this, she did that. Eventually we have to say, what was my part in it and what was theirs? What can I control and what can they? That's all we could do. So one tool I want you guys to start with. When we start to feel, it's called the 5. 5. 5. So we are going to give you this. And like I said, if you guys want more, come and join the course. I say that with love because, of course, not everything can just be given in a podcast. There is something about, like, investing in yourself again. Why do you think I went to class this morning? Because I paid. I paid. I invested in myself. And I was like, no, girl, you're showing up. You. But if it was a free class, I would be like, yeah, whatever, I'm staying home. Because when we have some, when we have skin in the game, we actually show up. That could even be subscribing to the podcast. I don't really care, but please just know those resources are there. But I'm Going to give you a tool that you guys can start to implement and then see how you're feeling. And then that's. We'll go from there, guys. You know, the podcast has so many tools anyways, so here's one that you could try. So for five minutes, I want you to feel the guilt or the shame fully. You can even set a clock. I don't care. Then for five minutes, I want you to physically move. I do some yoga. You could literally punch the air. I don't care. Then for five minutes, you're going to engage in. In activities. You're teaching your brain that feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And it's literally you carve out 15 minutes of your time in the day to just say, I'm going to show up for me. So maybe I ruminate, I spiral, I do that. And then I say, you know what, I'm done. I'm going to go for a walk right now. And then I come home and I go back into maybe making something. Because what I'm telling is there's. We're closing the loop. There's a finality to how I feel. I'm not just letting this go into ether because I was like, I. I would literally sit and spiral and cry and hyperventilate in bed. I would attack myself. I always thought it's all my fault. Everything has to be my fault. Because if I could blame me, then I have control. And I know we all want control, because what does control mean? That I can choose if I have to feel this or not. And there are going to be times you're going to be a human. You're going to be a human and you're going to up and you're going to mess up and you're going to say something stupid or you're going to hurt somebody else's feelings. And that's okay. We have to stop trying to be these perfect versions, because did that work when you were a kid? Did you have caregivers that just had no patience for you unless you did what they wanted? Or maybe they didn't teach you how to say no because if you said no, like my household, you got hit or you got into fucking boatloads of trouble or you just didn't even dare say it because why would you. But the reality is your brain won't let you off the hook because it thinks punishing you keeps everyone safe. But self blame doesn't prevent future mistakes. It actually kind of predicts them. That's the reality thing here is like, I see this all the time. The. That we're trying to avoid. We end up doing how many times we've been like, I want to make sure, like, I've seen this with my own family. My mom will be like, I want to make sure everything goes right and she'll focus on all the stuff that's outside of her. And then sure enough, it's like, guess what? Didn't go well. Good night. And it happens because we have to release control to the outcome and learn to surrender that we're not in full control. But you are in control of yourself. You are in control of your thoughts. You are in control of how you show up. But more importantly, more importantly than anything, I hope that from this episode, from anything that we're talking about, that you can just understand you're fucking human. That if you blame yourself and you go into the spiral and the loop, that that's really normal because your brain was wired for that. So now how do we combat that? What are the tools that you can tap into? How are you speaking to yourself? How are you showing up for you? How are you allowing yourself to process through this? You've got a choice, babe. And so now I invite you to take that choice. Guys, as always, you know, I'm here if you need me. If you want to work one on one, ask a question, join the course, whatever you want, I'm here. And if that's cool too. Thanks for tuning in. Thank you for being part of the family. I'd love to know what do you blame yourself for? Do you try to take or which one of the three do you identify with? What are you holding on to and what can we let go of? I love the comments. Leave them in. Let's engage. Let's start a conversation. Let's get the community involved so that you guys really can feel less alone. I know I do. I know I do. And you guys comment in and let me know what you're experiencing. It makes me feel like I'm a human and that this is all par for the the course. I invite you guys to do that. And if not, thank you for being here. And until next time, my babies, I love you. And I'll see you next week for part duh or part two of the series. Where we are going to go into now, shame and guilt. Until then, babes. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. As winter approaches, make sure you set aside some time for self care. Now through December 2nd. Get great savings on personal care, essentials when you shop in store or online, buy two participating self care items and save $3. Shop for items like Tresemme Shampoo, Dove Shampoo, Dove Men's Care Body Wash, Dove Body Wash and Axe Shower gel. And save $3 when you buy two or more items. Offer ends December 2nd. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line line. But first, there the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes. Presentado for the American Lung Association.