The Sabrina Zohar Show – Episode 172: Why Your Brain Won’t Let You Move On
Date: November 14, 2025
Host: Sabrina Zohar
Main Theme & Purpose
This episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show explores the neuroscience, psychology, and lived experiences underlying self-blame and why people struggle to move on after things go wrong—especially in relationships. Sabrina dives deep into why our brains seem wired to default to self-blame, the difference between guilt and shame, practical tools to break the cycle, and how to treat ourselves with compassion rather than criticism. The episode serves as a raw, compassionate guide for listeners dealing with anxious attachment, rumination, and internalized guilt.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Origins of Self-Blame
[03:10]
- Sabrina shares her personal history of growing up with a narcissistic caregiver, which led her to internalize blame.
- The need for self-trust emerges as crucial for breaking the cycle.
- The experience of constantly apologizing and feeling responsible for making others happy winds up deeply rooted in self-perception.
“When the person in the home, everything revolves around them... When you’re not making them happy... you then internalize: ‘Oh my god, it’s my fucking fault.’” — Sabrina [04:08]
2. How Self-Blame Shows Up Day-to-Day
[05:15]
- Sabrina describes moments of blaming herself for small mistakes, like forgetting to take a supplement.
- She contrasts old patterns of spiraling with new responses grounded in self-compassion.
- The cycle of blame is described as a “Groundhog’s Day”—waking up and confronting the same patterns until deep change occurs.
“Instead of going down that road of panic and starting to hyperventilate, I literally said, ‘You know what, dude? You’re a human. You made a mistake.’” — Sabrina [08:56]
3. The Science Behind The Self-Blame Brain
[13:12]
- Reference to the King’s College London study: Self-blame creates "hyperconnectivity" between the anterior temporal cortex and subgenual cortex.
- This wiring essentially builds an "eight-lane highway" for blame—the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.
- This wiring is linked to future depressive episodes.
“Your brain builds an eight-lane highway for self-blame. So the more you use it, the stronger it gets.” — Sabrina [14:29]
“If I blame myself, all roads lead back to me. And if I take full accountability and ownership, then it was in my control. And if it was in my control, I could have changed the outcome. And that is not actually based in any kind of fact or logic.” — Sabrina [16:48]
4. Self-Blame Feels Like Physical Pain
[17:34]
- Not just dramatic: brain scans show self-blame activates the same region as physical pain (the anterior cingulate cortex).
- Explains why heartbreak and breakups feel so physically excruciating.
5. Guilt vs. Shame: Two Different Beasts
[22:30]
- Guilt: “I did something bad.”
- Shame: “I am bad.”
- These activate completely different regions in the brain.
- Many confuse feeling guilt about an action with feeling shame about identity.
“Guilt, I did something bad. Shame, I am bad. I think it’s really important for us to hold on to that difference.” — Sabrina [23:05]
6. The Limits of Intellectualizing (Why Knowing Is Not Enough)
[31:25]
- Logical thinking can’t fix feelings: “Trying to fix feelings with logic is like using Excel to heal a broken heart.”
- The prefrontal cortex (logical brain) and amygdala (emotional brain) “speak different languages”—so different techniques like meditation, yoga, and journaling are needed.
“You can’t think your way out of feeling better. You can’t.” — Sabrina [33:31]
7. Why We Prefer Guilt Over Helplessness
[37:50]
- After betrayal (e.g., cheating), our brains blame us because guilt feels more tolerable than helplessness.
- “If it’s my fault, I had control. If I had control, I could’ve prevented it.”
- Reality: sometimes, people’s betrayals have nothing to do with what we did.
“Sometimes people are just assholes. That’s it. It has nothing to do with you.” — Sabrina [39:02]
8. Rewiring Self-Blame: The Power of Body & Behavior
[41:15]
- When logic can’t reach emotion directly, use the body as a “translator.” E.g., touch your head (logic) and heart (emotion), breathe deeply to “connect them.”
- Physical interventions (like silly movements or a “rumination appointment”) help break the mental loop.
9. The Rumination Trap and Replay Addiction
[45:01]
- Ruminating is like “practicing self-torture”—every replay of a mistake strengthens the neural pathway of blame.
- Set a specific time to ruminate, limiting its power.
- Eventually, chronic rumination stops being processing and starts being self-harm.
“You’re not actually processing; you’re literally practicing self-torture.” — Sabrina [46:09]
10. The Three Types of Self-Blamers
[54:12]
- Responsibility Thief: Takes blame for others’ actions.
- Good Person Prisoner: Can’t set boundaries without feeling “mean”—believes being “good” means having no needs.
- Third Type: (Implied in context)—apologizing repeatedly, stuck in guilt long after others have moved on.
- Most people are a mix; identification is the first step toward behavioral change.
“You’re not a rehabilitation center for badly-behaved adults. You are allowed to leave rooms where you are not respected.” — Sabrina [56:47]
11. Practical Tools and Exercises
[59:02]
- 5-5-5 Technique: 5 minutes fully feeling guilt or shame; 5 minutes of physical movement; 5 minutes of a different engaging activity. This teaches your brain that feelings have a beginning, middle, and end.
- When you catch yourself replaying, distill “the lesson” into one sentence and repeat it out loud. The brain will eventually get bored and quit the loop.
- Make rules for future behavior instead of perfecting the past (e.g., “I will wait 2 hours before sending a text when I’m emotional”).
12. Radical Self-Compassion and the Courage to Change
[01:06:19]
- Stop striving for perfection. Allow yourself to make mistakes—they’re human.
- Real transformation comes from daily practice, not just understanding.
- Ultimately, learning self-compassion is the antidote to chronic self-blame.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “One day I woke up and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.” — Sabrina [06:12]
- “If you complain for up to three minutes, even three minutes of complaining adds 1-2 hours of cortisol stress to your day.” — Sabrina [16:13]
- "Trying to fix feelings with logic is like using Excel to heal a broken heart.” — Sabrina [31:34]
- “You’re not a rehabilitation center for badly-behaved adults.” — Sabrina [56:47]
- “You have control. You don’t have to keep blaming yourself for why your life is like this, but you can take accountability for what your part in it was.” — Sabrina [01:00:18]
- “Self-blame doesn’t prevent future mistakes. It actually kind of predicts them.” — Sabrina [01:12:44]
- “I hope... you can just understand you’re fucking human. If you blame yourself and you go into the spiral… that’s really normal because your brain was wired for that.” — Sabrina [01:13:33]
Segment Timestamps
- Origins of Self-Blame & Personal Story — [03:10]
- Self-Blame in Everyday Moments — [05:15]
- Neuroscience of Self-Blame (The Eight-Lane Highway) — [13:12]
- Physical Pain & Breakups — [17:34]
- Guilt vs. Shame — Key Differences — [22:30]
- Limits of Logic: Why Knowing Isn’t Enough — [31:25]
- Why Guilt is Easier than Vulnerability — [37:50]
- Body-Based Interventions — [41:15]
- Rumination, Replay Addiction & Breaking the Cycle — [45:01]
- Three Types of Self-Blamers — [54:12]
- Practical Tools & Exercises (5-5-5, Lessons) — [59:02]
- Radical Self-Compassion & Closing Thoughts — [01:06:19]
Closing
Sabrina invites listeners to identify what type of self-blamer they are, share their stories, and participate in community. She reminds everyone that being human means being imperfect, and transformation comes from daily acts of self-kindness and ownership—not constant self-blame.
“How are you speaking to yourself? How are you showing up for you? How are you allowing yourself to process through this? You’ve got a choice, babe.” — Sabrina [01:13:51]
Summary Takeaways
- Self-blame is a neurological habit rooted in childhood and maintained by brain wiring.
- You can’t “logic” your way out of feeling bad—emotion requires new tools and real self-compassion.
- The difference between guilt and shame is crucial for healing.
- Tools like scheduling time for rumination, breaking the mental loop with physical action, and creating new behavioral rules are practical ways forward.
- Radical self-compassion and accountability are key.
- Above all, you are not alone or uniquely “messed up”—these are deeply human struggles.
Next episode: Part two of this series will address shame in depth.