173: The Real Reason Shame Ruins Your Relationships

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 173: The Real Reason Shame Ruins Your Relationships
Date: November 21, 2025
Host: Sabrina Zohar

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Overview

In this powerful solo episode, Sabrina Zohar unpacks the insidious role shame plays in sabotaging our relationships and dating lives. Diving deep into personal stories, scientific studies, and practical tools, Sabrina exposes how shame develops, the ways it rewires our brains and bodies, and how it quietly shapes our connections, behaviors, and self-belief. More importantly, Sabrina offers actionable advice to identify and begin healing these shame-based patterns, all while maintaining her engaging, direct, and compassionate style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Shame: Where Does It Come From?

• Shame vs. Guilt

  • Guilt: “I did something bad.”
  • Shame: “I am bad.” Rewires your entire nervous system, not just your behavior. (06:04)
  • Not about embarrassing moments but “the core belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you that everyone else can see besides you” (02:31)

• Origins of Shame

  • Cites research showing shame is programmed as early as 14-18 months old, during the period of emotional development. (07:06)
  • Built on repeated experiences of parental coldness, disgust, or emotional withdrawal—even subtle signals like facial expressions (07:28)
  • “My authentic self is wrong. I need to hide who I am to be safe. And that becomes your operating system.” (08:09)

• Personal Reflection

  • Sabrina shares how her relationship with her father fueled shame and self-blame.
    • “I genuinely believed that his limitations meant that I was fundamentally broken. And I’d shamed myself all of my life for not being what he wanted me to be.” (04:29)
    • Realizing, “There wasn’t anything wrong with me. This person just didn’t know what he was doing. … It wasn’t out of malice.” (05:08)

2. How Shame Shows Up in Dating & Relationships

Sabrina identifies four key shame-driven patterns:

Pattern 1: Compliment Rejection

• Struggle to accept compliments; instinct is to deflect, self-deprecate, or minimize.
• Brain processes positive feedback as a threat, not a reward. (11:15)
  • “Their brain processes positive feedback as threatening, not rewarding.” (12:17)
• Rooted in fear that being “seen” will expose your flaws and lead to rejection.

Pattern 2: Attracted to Unavailable People

• Unconsciously seek out partners who confirm your belief in unworthiness.
• “Your brain seeks evidence of what it already believes…unavailable people feel right because you have to earn it.” (14:12)
• What feels like ‘chemistry’ is actually anxiety and the familiarity of conditional love. (15:40)

Pattern 3: Overanalyzing & Hypervigilance

• Replay conversations, overthink texts, monitor for cues of rejection.
• This “shame and hypervigilance for social threat” means cortisol and stress remain high, fueling anxiety. (16:10)
  • “Cortisol remains elevated…causing me to always feel like I’m in danger when I’m not.” (16:49)
• Distinction:
  • Anxiety: Future-focused
  • Vigilance: Present-focused; “Are they seeing the bad parts right now?” (20:03)

Pattern 4: Self-Sabotage / Self-Protection

• Picking fights or pulling away when intimacy increases.
• As a relationship gets closer, defense systems activate: “Intimacy requires authenticity. Authenticity means being seen. Being seen activates your core shame belief: If they really see me, they’ll leave.” (22:10)
• Sometimes reject healthy love because it feels unfamiliar or unsafe.

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Highlighted Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That shame rewires your brain to expect rejection and then makes you create it.” (03:51)
• On shame’s physicality: “Your body has a shame shape. And every time you make that shape, right—hunching over, going small—you create shame. And it’s a feedback loop that gets built into your bones.” (09:19)
• “You’re not broken. You’re just honest about the performance that you’re giving.” (14:00)
• “You don’t need closure. You got to give yourself that. You get to decide.” (20:15)
• “If those people don’t respect it…no one’s forcing you to be here. It’s the same with dating. You get to make a choice for yourself.” (20:45)
• “Shame isn’t your fault. … But it is your responsibility to heal through it. Not because you’re broken, but because you deserve to experience love without your nervous system screaming ‘danger’ every time someone tries to get close.” (36:35)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Summary | |-----------|--------------------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:30 | Main theme introduction: Shame | What is shame and why it isn’t just “bad luck” in dating | | 04:29 | Personal story: Relationship with her dad | How childhood experiences create core shame beliefs | | 06:04 | Difference between guilt and shame | Definitions and why shame is deeper | | 07:06 | How shame is programmed in early childhood | Science & the infant brain’s threat detection | | 11:15 | Compliment rejection, science of feedback | Positive feedback triggers threat response for shame-prone | | 14:05 | Attraction to unavailability (“schema confirmation”) | Seeking the familiar pain to confirm old beliefs | | 16:10 | Overanalyzing and vigilance | How shame activates stress and vigilance in social situations | | 22:10 | Self-sabotage & intimacy avoidance | Pushing people away when things get good | | 24:11 | The problem with “just love yourself” | Why affirmations and toxic positivity don’t heal shame | | 27:00 | Practical Tools: The Shake Protocol | Physical shame release method explained | | 31:17 | Practical Tools: Evidence Collection | Rewiring your shame database with new evidence | | 33:48 | Recap & final thoughts on shame as a journey | Summary and encouragement | | 36:35 | Final message | Shame isn’t your fault, but healing is your responsibility |

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Practical Tools & Solutions

Tool 1: The SHAKE Protocol (27:00)

• Stop: Notice the physical sensations of shame.
• Honor: Name it—“I’m feeling shame right now.”
• Ask: “What am I afraid this person is seeing about me?”
• Kindness: Hand on heart, deep breaths, comfort yourself.
• Express: Vocalize or write out your feelings.

“It takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course, but every time you have a new thought, it starts the clock again.” (29:30)

Tool 2: The Evidence Collection Practice (31:17)

• Actively gather recent, tangible examples where vulnerability or authenticity led to acceptance, not rejection.
• Specific and visual: Write it down daily for at least two weeks to help your brain update its beliefs.

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The Problem with Traditional Dating Advice

• Simple statements like “just love yourself” or “if they wanted to, they would” often trigger more shame.
• Affirmations can backfire for people with low self-esteem, creating cognitive dissonance.

  "You cannot think your way out of a nervous system problem—that's why I keep saying, you cannot intellectualize healing, you have to embody it." (26:52)

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Closing Advice & Sabrina’s Encouragement

• Healing shame is not a quick fix or a single-episode process.
• Gaining awareness is a huge first step; the next is making conscious choices, practicing new tools, and perhaps seeking deeper work (e.g., Sabrina’s courses, therapy).
• Final affirmation:

  "You make so much sense. But now it’s time to teach [your nervous system] something new. Now it’s time for you to say, ‘I get to be the adult I didn’t have and I get to rewire my understanding and I get to be there for my nervous system in a way that no one was.’" (36:35)

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Key Takeaways

• Shame is programmed deeply and early, not just a reaction to current dating struggles.
• It shapes attraction, vulnerability, self-image, and our capacity for intimacy.
• Healing requires physical, emotional, and cognitive work—not just “thinking positive.”
• Awareness is the beginning; change comes from consistent, compassionate practice.

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For more tools and deeper healing, Sabrina directs listeners to her Foundation Course and other resources on sabrinazohar.com.

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[End of Content Summary]

Transcript

[Coca-Cola Narrator]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first, There, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, friends.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Happy Friday.

[Sabrina Zohar]

All right, we're here for part duh of this little mini series that we did that just kind of came out of nowhere. If we'll just call it a part two, and we're going to talk about shame. We did blame, and now we're going into shame and guilt because there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. We just need to understand, where did you learn all of this from? So, guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget to check out Sabrina Zohar.com. you can work one on one. You guys can subscribe for ad free. If you don't want to listen or deal with the ads, don't worry about it. I got you guys. You can ask a question, work one on one, join the course, or just be here. That's all we ask. And so please don't forget to rate.

[Sponsor Announcer]

And review the show.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Leave a comment wherever you're listening. That's how I grow. And don't forget, we are in this together. And I am so grateful for you guys. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, babes. Ah, I'm so excited. I love our Friday time and today's episode. I wanted to talk about shame because I, I hear it all the time. Like, I. I think the guilt, the shame, the blame, we're also conditioned for it and I really wanted us to understand it and give real tools to be able to work through it. So I'm stoked. But, guys, I am still buzzing. Now, by the time this comes out, it's been about a month and since this happened, so, you know, your girl's giving you guys a retroactive. But this past weekend, I spoke at Shine Away. Hello, sunshine. Reese Witherspoon's incredible company. And it was like, seriously life changing for me. Not because anything specifically necessarily happened besides, like, meeting the most amazing women in this community and. But I finally realized in that moment when I was in front of everybody speaking and having time and connecting, like, that's why I'm here. I am here to connect with you guys. I am here to help and to be that voice. And so please know, I am so fucking grateful for every single person here. I don't think you guys know how excited I get when you rate review, when you share, when you message, when you tell me what's going on with you guys. I am so proud of all of you, and I am so grateful for you guys to be here so I can also be here. And I just wanted to say thank you because this weekend was electric for me, and I'm hoping for so many more because, yeah, I'd like to go on tour. I'd like to go and come to you guys in a city near you, but just got to keep growing my audience so that we can keep doing it. So don't forget to share this with a friend, put it in your Facebook groups. Whatever it is, it means the world. All right, let's get into it, babes, because we got a lot to cover, and I want to make sure I got you. So I think a lot of people wonder, am I just having bad luck because I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people? That's not it, is it? I can't accept a compliment because I'm so modest. That's not it. Do I overanalyze every single text just because it's anxiety? No. There's also shame. And I don't mean the, like, oops, I did something embarrassing shame of, like, being a human. I mean the, like, deep, the core belief that there's something fundamentally wrong with you that everyone else can see besides you, and you can't just pretend anymore. And to be realistic, I used to believe that. I used to genuinely believe I am the problem. I am the only one. No one else seems to go through this. And it's so funny, because this weekend at Shine Away, I had everyone raise their hand when I asked specific things, and I had everyone look around, and I was like, do you see how we're so not alone? Look at how many people are here collectively. And so I just wanted to invite you to also know there is nothing wrong with you. But today we're going to talk about how shame literally rewires your brain to expect rejection and then makes you create it and how to actually break the cycle. Something that we don't really normally talk about is why your body recoils physically from healthy love. And that usually has nothing to do with them, but is something that happened before you could even talk. Walk half the time. Crawl. And I have been learning, even recently. It's so funny. So my dad's in town, and I was scared, I was nervous, I was hesitant. And it was one of the best trips we've had. Something that I had to realize was.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

That there's nothing wrong with me. I think fundamentally, I genuinely believed that his limitations meant that I was fundamentally broken. And I'd shamed myself all of my life for not being what he wanted me to be. Until I realized kind of yesterday, I don't even think he knew.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And what I mean by that is.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Like, I don't even think my dad understands what hurts me. He doesn't even get how much shame there was growing up and how that impacted me. He's so unaware.

[Sabrina Zohar]

But yesterday I just.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

I came to the realization, like, holy.

[Sabrina Zohar]

There wasn't anything wrong with me.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

This person just didn't know what he was doing. And that ultimately really impacted me, of course.

[Sabrina Zohar]

But I just had to realize, like.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

This wasn't out of malice. This person wasn't intentionally trying. Trying to do that.

[Sabrina Zohar]

That doesn't make it okay.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

But what it allowed me to do was to be able to hold those two conflicting truths about my dad and say, I do love him. And I was the little girl that.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Really wanted her dad last night.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

But I also get to be the adult to remind that little that a lot of stuff did go bad and.

[Sabrina Zohar]

A lot of stuff did go down.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

And she's okay to be hurt and upset by that, but we don't need to keep carrying that. And we can let go of the shame. We can let go of all of those things that we carried with us. Because I get to make a choice now. I highly encourage, if anybody is here with me, don't stop.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Don't stop and try to force yourself not to feel this.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Please.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Don't you want to know how you're.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Actually going to move on from shame, from blame, from all of these things?

[Sabrina Zohar]

When you allow yourself to be a.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Human, when you stop shaming yourself for having these issues or these problems or these things that arise because you're a fucking human.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So let's go over some stuff. So in the last episode, we talked about self blame. We talked about guilt, and that shame are different, right? That guilt is, I did something bad. But shame. Shame rewires your entire nervous system. And so here's kind of the connection. I like to connect because I've noticed, like, for a lot of us, it's hard. Like, I can say something about me, but a lot of folks struggle to correlate that with their life. So I want to be able to give you more tangible tools. So how does that turn out? Right? You can apologize for being late.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Guilt.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm so sorry. God, that was so my bad. I I. I did something stupid. But you can't apologize your way out of feeling too much enough, which is shame, because you're not trying to fix behavior, you're trying to fix your entire existence. And that's what's showing up in every relationship that you have. That's why I will continue to say if you feel you're too much, you're not good enough. Those core beliefs and that shame, that doesn't just go away by saying affirmations and by meeting the right person, because the right person cannot take away the years of conditioning that you had prior to that. So where does shame actually come from? So I have two studies that I was looking at, but here's one of them. So affect disregulation and disorders of self. So they have found that shame is programmed between 14 to 18 months old. So that's why I was saying earlier, before you could even really talk or potentially even walk. And during this time, the infant's brain is developing emotional regulation. So when repeated experiences of parental disgust, coldness, or withdrawal literally shape the brain's threat detection system. That's why I'm saying it starts as early as the facial expressions that you picked up from your caregiver. Again, I'm not saying you had bad parents, and I'm not saying that we need to blame them and shame them, right? We don't need to say that they're bad people. But what we can say is that their behavior wasn't great for you, that their behavior taught your nervous system that you always need to be on high alert. You couldn't can. You didn't know what you were going to get. It literally shaped that detection system. And so what happens is you reached for comfort and potentially you got coldness. And this is called the installation process. You express joy and you got shut down. You showed excitement and you got, you need to calm down down. So your baby brain coded. That is like, there's something wrong with me. My authentic self is wrong. I need to hide who I am to be safe. And that becomes your operating system that you're still running on. That's why I continued to say, if you see a pattern with everybody that you date, we have to stop and eventually say, what is my partner? It's not, am I wrong? What did I do wrong? This isn't about shame or blame to put yourself down, but it's about taking accountability of how I show up and what's coming up for me. It can't always be about everyone else. So why does this even matter in Dating. It's because when someone gets close to you now, your brain doesn't think it's connection. It thinks, oh, my God, this doesn't feel safe. This is danger. Because the last time you showed your real self to someone that you loved, you got rejected. You might have just been 15 months old, but your nervous system doesn't understand the difference with that. Again, while I will continue to say your nervous system and your brain are not designed to help you grow, they're designed to keep you safe. I mean, you know the feeling when you walk into a room and you feel really small, Your shoulders start to round, your chest caves and you actually start to shrink. Well, here's the fun psychology of it. That's not in your head. Scientists found that shame creates a universal body posture even in people who were born blind and never saw what shame actually looks like. And your body has a shame shape. And so every time you make that shape, right, hunching over, going small, you create shame. And it's a feedback loop that literally gets built into your bones.

[Sponsor Announcer]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Shorter days do not have to be so dismal. And it's time to reach out and check in with those you care about and remind ourselves that we're not alone. And sometimes that might be reaching out to a friend, reconnecting with a loved one, or maybe reaching out to a therapist. Because this November, Better Help is encouraging everyone to reach out. Just a little courage to send a message.

[Sabrina Zohar]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

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[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

All.

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[Sabrina Zohar]

Shame actually show up in the dating and relationship process? Because these are four patterns I want us to become really aware of. And I'd be curious as you're listening. Take notes. I want you to even take notes if you're like, I'm pattern one. That's me. Oh, my God. And I was. I was so Pattern number one is called the compliment rejection. Someone says, you're beautiful and your body physically goes, why Rick? It recoils. And I remember when I met Scott for the first time, he said something and he was like, oh, he gave me a compliment and I said, thank you. And I just sat there and he looked at me and he was like, you know how hard that is? I said, oh, I know. I've been working really hard at that. Because when someone used to say like, oh, I love your hair, I'd be like, oh my God, this is my mom, right? Or I get it done, it doesn't look that good naturally. And you're like, why do you need to bring yourself down? Someone just said that they liked it, right? I would self deprecate, lubricate. Or someone be like, I love that shirt. Oh, this thing? Oh my God. My sister gave it to me. I didn't choose it. Right? You're like, why do I need to bring myself down? In order to validate that that person say, because oftentimes for me to say I can receive a compliment means that I would agree that maybe I have good taste, that maybe there's not something wrong with me, right? And here's another study. It's called Positive Feedback aversion in Shame Prone Individuals. So they found that shame prone individuals show decreased activation and reward centers when receiving compliments. Surprise, surprise. So what does that actually mean? Their brain processes pos of feedback as threatening, not rewarding. That's why for a lot of people, when they're like, why do these people like me? They're into me. I don't get it. Because the FMRI shows the brain actively suppressing positive information. That's not because there's something wrong with you. Your brain literally learned that positive attention is dangerous either because potentially one of two things, maybe one, you got attention only when you performed. So that was conditional love. Your parents showed up when you did well, when you did. So it was conditional. Maybe positive attention came with strings attached. Hi, that's nice to meet you. Maybe visible meant being vulnerable to criticism. If you showed yourself, then maybe you were subject to them constantly finding an issue. So now when someone compliments you, your threat detection is like, this is a danger. They're seeing me. If they see me, they'll see the bad parts. And if they see those bad parts, what's going to happen? I get rejected. So if I reject the compliment, I get to stay safe because then they don't actually get to come closer. So what does that create? It creates a spiral you're going to reject compliments. You, they think that you're not interested because you're like, yeah, whatever. Then they pull back and your shame is like, see, I was right to hide. And then we go into a repeat pattern. Or maybe they give you the compliment and you're like making some kind of excuses and they realize, oh, this person might not actually be as secure within themselves and they might get turned off. Right? It's not. No one's doing anything right or wrong. Please know this is very human. But that's also human behavior. It is. Somebody I had asked me the other day, what is the difference from somebody secure versus an insecure attachment in dating? What is the difference? And the difference isn't that the person that's secure knows everything. The difference isn't that the person that's secure just has all the answers. The difference is that the person that is secure knows that they are. The person that they're dating is an addition to their life, not instead of. And that they know that their needs are valid, that they were taught that their emotions are valid and that they don't allow people in their life that make them feel any way other than that. That's the only difference. It's not that one is better and one is worse. It's that one understands that I love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. Versus an insecure person might say, I need you to validate me for me to good about myself. Okay, the second pattern, the unavailable attraction. So this is it. Why do you keep choosing people who can't fully show up to you? Now of course there are aspects of familiarity. There are aspects of like if this.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Is what it was like in childhood.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right. There are a lot of different variables. But there's also the shame and attachment avoidance. So there was a study done in 2018, personality and individual differences. So shame prone individuals unconsciously select partners who confirm their core beliefs of unworthiness. So this actually has a name in the brain mean. It's called schema confirmation. So your brain seeks evidence of what it already believes. Which is why I keep saying you are reconfirming your core beliefs. You think everyone else has it figured out and you're the only one faking it. That is shame. Shame makes you believe everyone else is authentically confident while you're performing confidence. I get this every day. But here's the reality. They're performing too. Know what the difference is? They're not spending mental energy comparing their inside to everyone else's outside. The people who seem most together. That doesn't necessarily mean they are. They're just usually really good performers. Because you're not broken. You're just honest about the performance that you're giving. And then it creates this unconscious loop. If I believe I'm fundamentally flawed, then fill in the blank. Available people feel wrong, right? It's too easy, that it's not real. This is I. I. You're giving it to me too easily. Unavailable people feel right because you have to earn it. So that starts to feel familiar. Rejection starts to feel correct. It confirms what I already know. That's what I'm saying. You're not attracted to unavailable people. You're attracted to the familiar feeling of trying to prov Prove you are worthy of love. And let me ask you how as far as that gotten you. And if it's not getting you very far, then maybe we make a choice right now that you don't want to continue doing that pattern. So why does it feel like chemistry? That anxiety you call butterflies, that's your nervous system recognizing the pattern of conditional love. We've said this before, that when you get the spark and all that, that's just blood to your phalanges so that you can run, but the chase starts to feel like passion. Because shame taught you that love requires earning. And so that's why sometimes you can even feel like guilty for not having to ear someone's love. Because it's never been so easy to receive love. Our brains and our nervous system are wild. Pattern three, the overanalyzing spiral. This is why you replay every conversation for hidden meanings. And no, again, it's not because you're up. So shame and hyper vigilance for social threat was another study that was done in 2004. So what did we learn from this study? We learned that shame activates the HPA access, which is the stress response system. So that actually means it creates sustained hypervigilance for signs of social rejection. Even 24 hours after a shame experience, cortisol remains elevated. Cortisol is something, as your girl is learning. Personally, I was waking up every single morning, panicked, anxious. I didn't know what was going on. And Dr. Sarah gave me the Dutch test, and we found out that my free cortisol is swimming around in my system, causing me to always feel like I'm in danger when I'm not. So please know there are physiological aspects to this that that are the reason you're not crazy. You're not. There's nothing wrong with you. And if you feel like hey, I've done all this work. I still feel like there might physiologically be something. Absolutely. Please check it out. Please talk to your doctor. Whatever it means, you have every right to look into that.

[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

And so what is your brain actually during in this time? Your shame based brain is constantly scanning for evidence that people are seeing the real you and rejecting it. So that's why, because you feel a threat to your authenticity. And oh my God, they're gonna know. You'll overanalyze text for tone. You read into every facial expression. You replay conversations looking for the moments that you messed up. That's why I also say after a breakup up, please stop reading and rereading the text. You need that constant reassurance. This isn't just about being anxious. There's this also something called vigilant. And there's a difference. Anxiety is future focused. What if fear of the future vigilance is present focused? Are they seeing the bad parts right now? And that's also why I'll continue like, you don't need closure. You got to give yourself that. You get to decide, like, for me, every time I show up for you guys, why do you think every time I'm like, guys, please speak with kindness, please watch the language, please plea. Because I'm a human and I read this and I see it and it's like, it impacts me. It makes me feel shame, it makes me feel little, it makes me feel all of those things because I'm a human and that's totally normal. Because when people attack, it reaffirms the core beliefs I have about myself. But I know for me to really be authentic, that means I need to be okay. Disappointing people, that means I need to be okay pissing people off, that's okay. Because that means I'm getting to stay authentic to myself. And if those people don't respect it, see it. Let me go on my soapbox for a second. The people that complain about my cadence, the people that complain about my speech, the people that complain about the ads, the people that complain that I don't do for free for them, those are also the people that benefit from the fact that I would be doing that because they get what they want. And those are also the people I say, no one's forcing you to be here. It's the same with dating. No one's forcing anybody to do anything. You get to make a choice for yourself, to move on with your life. And if this isn't the community for you, that's okay. But that doesn't mean that everybody has to Change around us so that we make everybody happy. That just means that beyond being authentic and being your real self means disappointing other people. But I'd rather disappoint them than disappoint myself because I'm consistently not showing up for myself. And just a shameless plug. If you guys need more, join the foundation course. Or we have our new going slow stuff. We have new resources. Check it out if you guys need anything. But there's my quick plug for you. All right. Pattern four, the self sabotage.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Right?

[Sabrina Zohar]

Or we self protection. Right. When things get get good, a lot of people wonder why they pick the fights or pull away when the relationship gets close. Let's get a little deeper. Of course, there are the attachment styles and all that stuff, but there's also shame and intimacy avoidance, which was a study done at Sanford in 2007. So what they found is as emotional intimacy increases shame prone individuals, a lot of people with avoidance experience increased arousal of their defense system. And for that, that doesn't feel safe. The closer someone gets, the more danger their brain perceives. Now, I know you might be sitting here being like, but that's stupid. It's like, yeah, that doesn't necessarily mean that that's not what's going on. Because intimacy requires authenticity. Authenticity means being seen. Being seen activates your core shame belief. If they really see me, they'll leave. I had that with Ryan. When Ryan and I first started dating, I said, what is your biggest fear? And he said, when you find out who I really am, when you see the real me, you're going to leave me. Because that's what has always happened.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Okay.

[Sabrina Zohar]

He wasn't wrong that the real him has some. So does mine, right, my girl?

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Oh, but that's okay that I didn't leave.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I didn't leave because I wanted to see those parts. I didn't leave because I think those parts are beautiful. And I didn't leave because I think those parts have kept him safe for a long time. And I wanted to understand what did they think they need to keep him safe for anymore? And so that's why when things get good, your nervous system can go into overdrive. So sometimes we'll see that, like you pick a fight, you'll push them away before they leave. You'll find flaws. Right? You give permission. You give yourself permission to leave first. You'll emotionally withdraw. You protect yourself from the inevitable rejection. You can also create the rejection you're afraid of.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Of.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And the reason I say that a.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Lot of this is because a lot.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Of you guys like, I don't do that. No, I'm the one that gets left. And it's like, no, no, no. Look back on the people that really like you. Look back on the people that are trying to give you the love and then come back and tell me that you don't engage in some protest behavior. I hear it every day. Why is it that the people that like me, I'm not into, but that the people I like aren't into me? It's like, because that doesn't necessarily feel safe and that doesn't feel familiar. You're so afraid of being rejected for who you really are that you end up rejecting yourself. And then you're so heartbroken over losing someone who never actually got to see you because you were playing a game and trying to be the cool girl or who doesn't have needs, who's hiding parts of themselves and then who wonders why they don't have people who stay and feel seen. All right, so let's look at part three. This is why traditional dating advice and like the doesn't really work. So just love yourself is when you have shame because then you're shaming yourself for not loving yourself. And you're like, wait a minute, look at this cycle.

[Sponsor Announcer]

So there was a study that shows.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Positive affirmations backfire for low self esteem. That's also why when I first moved to Venice, oh my God, had. I'm not gonna say names, but there is a girl. And if you know, you know there's a girl and everything. I mean, she is one of the most full people I've ever met in my life who boasts about positivity and good vibes. And I love and positive and positive. Everything's amazing. And this girl is such a hot mess, like it is palpable. And the reason I never really aligned was because I'll never forget once I was doing something with her and she said, hey, if you could, could you not be so negative? This whole thing is about positivity and you're bringing the vibe down, down. And I looked at her and I was like, because I'm real. And I said, hey, then get somebody else to be part of your event. I was like, cuz I'm not interested in your fake positive. Everything is sunny and rainbows and everything. No, that's not real life. And the more that we try to do this toxic positivity of like good vibes only everything's amazing.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Stop thinking negative.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Your tribe of what? That the more that you engage in that, the more you're shaming yourself because your nervous system and your brain don't actually believe that. So you're just gaslighting yourself now into believing something that you don't genuinely believe. I'm not saying saying we shouldn't reframe and we shouldn't think positive things about ourselves, but trying this toxic positivity and good vibes only all around your house isn't how you're actually going to achieve change. And that's not actually going to stick. What did the study show? Positive affirmations make people with low self esteem feel worse because why? It creates a cognitive dissonance. The affirmations contradict your core beliefs and so there is a complete divide. And then your brain rejects the positive statements and reinforces the negative ones because it's not actually aligning.

[Sponsor Announcer]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

And then the why. I mean, I think we kind of know why this happens, but we'll go into it. It's because when your shame says I'm fundamentally flawed and you tried to override it with I'm worthy of love, your brain's like, no, you're a liar. Here's the evidence that you're wrong and then it lists out every single mistake you have ever made to try to show you you're not actually right about this. You cannot think your way out of a nervous system problem that's Why I keep continuously saying, you cannot intellectualize healing. You have to embo it. And the other dating advice, they're just not that into you. Completely misses the point. Dating advice that tells you if they wanted to, they would. But what if your nervous system won't let you actually want what's good for you? What if you aren't allowing yourself? That's the aspect and that's the reality. The problem isn't that you can't identify good people. The problem is that good people feel wrong. Because your threat detection system learned that love equals danger. That's why it's so hard to receive. And that's why I will continuously say, you want to run around and say, if they wanted to, they would. Would. But all you're doing is shaming you and other people because if you wanted to, you also would. And here we are, and that's okay. Why do you think I don't use that verbiage? Because I don't believe in it. I don't believe in shaming people or putting people down because they're not doing what you deem they should in the time that they should. Because now you're just shaming them. All right, let's talk about some tools that actually work now. Like I said, the courses and working and all that stuff. We have so much more. But this is just a start, right? Like, doing these protocols. Like, let me preface. A lot of you guys will get the free guide and be like, okay, I'm doing all the regulating, but I don't feel good. It's like, no, no, no, no. Do you think it's that easy? Do you think it's just like, oh, go for a walk and all of a sudden my problems go away? It's like, baby, I'd be a millionaire if that were the case. These are just tools. These are just moments to get yourself back to the present moment so we can do the deeper work. The first tool is called the shake protocol, and it's a physical shame release. You have to remember shame lives in your body before it becomes a thought. So we need to interrupt it physically. That's why I will keep saying the first thing that you want to do is do a physical movement, not try to start to challenge your thoughts immediately because your brain's like, that's not safe. The first one s. Stop. Notice the physical sensation. Do I have tightness in my chest? Do my shoulders round? Does my face get hot? Like, that's my. I get the physical sensations. Then H owner, you don't need to Judge it. Just acknowledge it. Like, I'm feeling shame right now. Name it to tame it. It's a huge thing. It turns your prefrontal cortex on. Then a ask, what am I afraid this person is seeing about me? And it's okay if you're like, holy it that I'm too much. That was my dad. Because when I would show emotions to my dad, he always thought I was too much and he would shut down. But that doesn't necessarily mean I am. So then we go into k. Kindness. Place a hand on your heart and take three deep breaths so that you can just be with this sensation, with this moment. It takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course, but every time you have a new thought, it starts the clock again. So allow yourself, wow, that makes so much sense, given what I've been through, that this would hurt me. And then e. Express it, name it out loud, or write it like, I feel ashamed that. Give yourself the opportunity. It works because when you name shame, it reduces its powers. That's why name entertainment is so important, because studies show that labeling emotions decreases amygdala activation. But more importantly, shame's power comes from hiding it. When you actually name it, you've broken the cycle and you're no longer hiding the shame. That's why a lot of people, like, think about religious shame. It's a lot in secrecy. We shame in. In hidden. We shame in h. When we. When we keep things quiet. It. And so when can you use these tools? When can use this specific tool? When someone gives you a compliment and you want to deflect, Maybe it's starting to go, oh, wow, I feel really ashamed receiving that. Maybe when you feel yourself getting small in a conversation, oh, wow, that feels like a lot. I'm taking up a lot of space. When attraction triggers the urge to run. Interesting. What's coming up for me when intimacy makes you want to pick a fight. Interesting. Okay, I'm getting curious. This isn't about attacking yourself. That's why I keep saying it isn't about shaming and blaming yourself. This is about allowing yourself the space face. I can't tell you. Every time people work with me and they're like, I don't get it. Why am I not feeling better? Why am I not feeling better? I'm like, because you're not allowing yourself to. You're not giving yourself permission to be like, yeah, that's totally normal that I feel this. No, I would. It's the same as, like, when trolls attack me. Imagine if, like, when I Got mean comments. If I was like, wow, Sabrina, who you are again, you did all this work, why are you. I would be shaming myself for having a human emotion instead of being like, yeah, that is really hurtful. Well, that person, right, like what's in my control. I don't have to listen.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Do it.

[Sabrina Zohar]

All right. Second tool, the evidence collection.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Practice.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And this is rewiring your database. So how do we do that? Your brain uses old evidence to make present day decisions. So you need to actively update the database. It took me nine years of actively updating my database for me to default that. So please know it's going to take you time. So I want for every day for two weeks, I want you to write down one piece of counter evidence. And so what does that actually look like in practice? I want you to write down a time someone stayed when you were authentic. Authentic. I want you to think about a moment when you were vulnerable and it went really well. Maybe with a friend or a family member. Doesn't matter. I want you to think about a relationship where you were too much and they loved it because they love every part of you too much. You know what I'm saying? Or maybe a time when you were real and deep into that connection. Think about even in this community when you're sitting here and going, wow, I feel really seen by her. She makes me feel like I'm not too much. Great. That's what I want you to embody. And you have to be specific. It can't just be like when people like me are around. But instead it's like when Sarah said she appreciated my honesty about stream struggling make it tangible. It has to also be recent. In the last six months because your brain dismisses old evidence because it's not recent. And then write it down. Thinking doesn't count. You need visual proof for your brain to actually see it. And I know you're probably like, do I really? Yes. And here's why it works. Because your shame brain has decades of evidence that authenticity means danger. And you're not trying to erase that evidence because that was real. We have to acknowledge that that did keep you safe. You're now adding new evidence that says the past was real. Real and it's not the present. It's holding two conflicting thoughts. Each piece of counter evidence creates a new neural pathway. And after two weeks your brain has to acknowledge, okay, maybe being real doesn't always lead to rejection. Right? Compound effects. You do it and the more you do it, it's going to start to show up differently. These two tools are a starting point, but these two tools, they're not necessarily identifying your specific shame pattern. Pattern. Right. There are different types, and that's why we need you guys to do that. This isn't healing that childhood womb where shame got installed.

[Guest or Sabrina's Inner Voice]

Right?

[Sabrina Zohar]

You're just acknowledging it. You're understanding it, and you're learning how to live with it. This doesn't rewire your entire Falcon system. This, what it does is it gives you scripts for when shame gets activated in real time so that you can actually understand the difference between shame and managing it. That's the goal that I'm having you guys try to achieve. And that deeper work does exist. If you guys want to go deeper, then that's where I'm going to direct you guys. To the foundation course, to our new opportunities that we have. There are so many tools that you guys could use.

[Sponsor Announcer]

All of it.

[Sabrina Zohar]

It is a journey that you are not alone on. And if not in this episode and all of this worked for you, great. I am stoked if this gave you everything you needed. Yeah. So where do you go from here? Now what right now? I'm sure you guys are all like, all right, Zohar, so I got some tools. So today we understand how shame rewires your nervous system. Where you learned it from the four ways ways. It sabotages our dating connections. And to me, I mean, compliments, unavailable, attraction, over analyzing, and self sabotage. We call it self protection. And also the traditional advice, why that doesn't really work. Now. My question here is, what are we going to do with this? We have this awareness. And I remember all of my friends asking me, like, Sabrina, you're so self aware now what are you going to do with it? So now, now you get to. To put this into practice. You now understand why you do what you do in relationships. You have more data about that. And now the next part is, what are your choices? What are you going to do? I understand and I know that right now understanding is step one. But the deeper work that real, like healing, we need to now, maybe even this is journaling. Whatever you guys need. Maybe we could start to identify your specific shame patterns. Maybe we can work through healing the childhood attachment wound. Maybe we can start to rewire your nervous system's threat response and learn in real time that shame doesn't need to take over. Shame doesn't have to own you. You get to decide. You get to make a choice how you're going to show up now, what you're going to do with it. And so don't forget, guys. The foundation course has all of it. But I want you to remember, shame is a fucking healing journey. And it is not a one episode fix. It is not. But now you know what you're working with. And that to me is a huge fucking step. Because if you're not aware of it and if you don't understand it, it's going to be really hard to be able to identify it. But I want you to remember this. And maybe we end off at with this. Shame isn't your fault. It's not. It was installed before you could even consent to it. But it is your responsibility to heal through it. Not because you're broken, but because you deserve to experience love without your nervous system screaming danger every time someone tries to get close to you. You deserve nothing but love, attention and admiration from someone who sees you. Because you're not too much. You're not, not enough. You're responding exactly, exactly how a nervous system should respond when it learned that authenticity equals abandonment. You make so much sense. But now, now it's time to teach it something new. Now it's time for you to say, I get to be the adult I didn't have and I get to rewire my understanding and I get to be there for my nervous system in a way that no one was. And I am so proud of every single one of you. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for supporting me in the ways that you do, even just by listening. Guys, guys, it means the world. Please don't forget, rate and review the show. Even if you don't finish the episodes, Markham is finished. Even if you're like, I don't like in the trenches or I don't like this episode even just getting a play that signals to the algorithm. People want it, people like it, people. I'll be really transparent with you guys. I only am here because of you guys. I'm not here for any other reason and I need your help to keep it going. So please don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with a friend. Leave a comment Anytime you listen to an episode, a video on Insta or Tik Tok, please don't forget to like and comment it. That's all I ask. It's free and it helps me more than anything. And if you guys want more, there's of course the resources. You can subscribe to the podcast, whatever you guys need. And if not, that's okay too. Everything's@sabrina zohar.com. if you guys have any questions? It's all there. And if not, thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up authentically and allowing me to see you. Allowing me to be able to hold that space for you. And vice versa. Without shame, without blame, but with compassion. I am so proud of you. Until next week, babies, and love you.

[Coca-Cola Narrator]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first, There, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.