A (0:00)

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. As winter approaches, make sure you set aside some time for self care now through December 2nd. Get great savings on personal care essentials when you shop in store or online. Buy two participating self care items and save $3. Shop for items like Tresemme Shampoo, Dove Shampoo, Dove Men's Care Body Wash, Dove Body Wash, and Axe Shower gel. And save $3 when you buy two or more items. Offer ends December 2nd. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details. Hello, Hello, Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends. Welcome back. It's Friday, which means new episode time, which means we're starting a new series between now and the end of the year. Welcome to the Clarity series. Dating with Intention. I'm super stoked. Today is episode one and we're going to talk about are you actually processing or are you just ruminating and replaying the same over and over again? Because we are going to bring you through a trajectory. If you want to date with intention and clarity, then we got to do some stuff before we get there. Which means process and understand what's happening, let go of some and start to rebuild and focus on the intentionality that we're showing up with. So I'm really excited. Guys, don't forget. Please listen to the episodes. I am really shocked sometimes when we do series that like one of the five episodes will crush it and then others won't. Please, please listen to the entirety. There is a reason that I create a series. There's a reason that there's a flow. Even if you tell me I'm not in a relationship yet, you can learn something from these episodes. So guys, as always, don't forget, rate and review. Share it with a friend. Leave a comment. No matter what episode you hear, I cannot tell you how that help helps with us growing and getting the algorithm to love Mama again. And please just know I am so grateful to have you here. I am so grateful that all of you are in this community with me. And you know what? Without further ado, let's get right the on into it, shall we? So let me continue my thoughts. I'm really grateful for all of you. But like I said, I every episode I will tell you I am learning more and more about myself and learning to ask for my needs. And you know, I'm learning even too. Like I have to process things because I can get stuck in the rumination spiral, we are human and all of our brains work very similarly. And that's also kind of, I mean, obviously if you're neurodivergent, you might have different divergences than the other. The average folk like me, right? Like, I have adhd, so my brain does work differently than other people. But I'm just really grateful for the community that we've built and I'm really grateful to have you guys here because this is how we keep it going. This is how. The only reason I'm here is because of you guys. If you guys stopped listening, I wouldn't have a show. So that's why I, I ask you. And I, I sometimes will beg for your support and help and love because it's what I need to keep being here for you. And guys, as always, if you want ad free, you can subscribe. It's four bucks a month. Instead of complaining that there are ads, which happens because it's a free resource, you guys can subscribe or you don't have to listen. That's also okay too. I want to empower everybody here to do what feels right for them. And that's inclusive of knowing if you want to work one on one, you want to join a course, like all of these things are here and if not, that's okay too. So let's give some updates. It's been a little rough for me. I'm not going to lie. Not like there's anything wrong or bad or anything detrimental. Detrimental. But you know me, I'm always like, I want to update you guys a little bit. And I think part of, part of doing this work and healing and growing is learning to detach from the outcome of things. And I have really, really worked through that because whether it be in relationships, dating, family, career, the amount of times I'm like, when this happens, it'll be great or this person will help me do this and then I'll achieve my goal and then it doesn't happen. And then what happens is you're devastated, you're disappointed, and I will be a hundred percent real and candid with you guys. Like, me and tech guy had a really big talk the other day and we trying to figure out if we're going to continue and if this relationship makes sense for us. We're still together. Don't worry, everything's good. But I'm tired of having to pretend of like everything's amazing and great knit. It's like, that's not life. What's part of life is that like we have really hard conversations. What's part of life is knowing that, like, things that I need and things that he need might not match. What's really real is knowing that we're trying and we're evolving and we're growing and we're making a decision from a place of empowerment as two adults. And it's been. It's been hard, it's been interesting and a struggle, and it's been all this amalgamation of feelings and emotions. But you know what? I keep coming back to that. No matter what. What. I'm going to be okay. Like, anytime I talk to my mom or my friends, I'm like, hey, I. I don't know what's going to happen. I want the best. I want to be with my partner and all of those things. But I get really triggered by the inconsistency. And sometimes he's in, sometimes he's out. And that's a really big struggle for me. And he's doing the work that he needs to do, and I'm doing the. That I need to do. And the reason I wanted to share that is, like, I could sit here and pretend everything's amazing and fine, but then you're going to feel even more disconnected, because that was really part of my journey, was I constantly felt there's something wrong with me. Everybody else has it figured out but me, so it must be me. And I'm here to let you. No, it's not that. Maybe you just have some. That we got to work through. And we're going to talk about that today, because today's episode, the reason I chose, I. I chose the structure. Like, I spent about. I spent like six to eight hours per episode. I, like, I go through and I. I figure it out and I go through the studies and I build out this entire. This landscape so that you guys feel like there's something to it, right? There's a beginning, a middle, and an end. And it's really important, especially this series, like, to build on, even the last series that we did, the Self Worth series, every episode built onto the other. So please engage in it, listen to it, let me know what you think. If you want, I'm here. But it's only this. This podcast is going to only be in the community is only as engaged as if we have you guys part of it. And so for me, like, I'll be honest, I used to ruminate. Ruminating was by baseline. Like, how much can I stay on the same thing? Because for me, it was easier than using my prefrontal Cortex, right? Like, we've gone over that, that it takes 10 times, almost about 10x the amount of time for that part of your brain to, to. To switch on so that you could be a little bit more present and start to challenge your thoughts and be in the moment and things like that. And so when we're not in that space and we're ruminating, what we're actually doing is we're just rehearsing the pain over and over and over again. Because there is a difference between processing your emotions, which actually moves you forward, and ruminating, which keeps you stuck in a mental prison, essentially of your own design. And I know that you might be looking, this being like, Sabrina, I don't want this. None of this is malice and none of this is oftentimes a choice. This is how our brain work. And the reason I wanted to do this is because we're nearing the end of the year, which is insane. I feel like just yesterday, just yesterday Ryan and I were going to LA and found out the fires happened. And all of a sudden we were like, wait, what is going on? Just yesterday, it feels like that. And here we are today being like, it's the end of the year. And so I want to ask you this. What are you still replaying from 2025, or honestly for 2020 for that matter, what is happening and what are we staying stuck on? Some of you guys had written in again, if you want to write in, it's the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, feel free. I put on question boxes like two or three times a week just to know what you guys want in an episode. So follow along. And the questions you had asked are. Been broken up for eight months and I still dream about him. And when I wake up, I get. I'm in no contact for three plus months and I can't stop thinking about her. Why do I keep trying to find where it all went wrong after it ended? And another one that I saw so many times. How do you know if you're making progress with spiraling or ruminating? These are really real questions and these are what you guys are going through. And the thing that nobody really tells you about the, like, processing your feelings is that most of us aren't actually doing it right or even doing it. For the most part. You think you're healing, but you're just running the same mental footage on loop over and over and over again, whether it be from January, March, September, I don't care. Wherever it happened and you're about to carry that Exact Same loop into 2026. Unless we do something which is understand the difference between processing our emotions and ruminating on them. And that's why this is the first episode of the Clarity series, Dating with Intention. We're starting with the Foundation. How do you actually close the chapter instead of rereading it 500 times? How can we actually help you move forward? And again, why I made the foundation course, which I think we might rename it, because a lot of people, I don't think really understand the point of the foundation course. So the foundation course is there to lay the solid foundation so that, you know, what are my triggers? What are my patterns? What is things that I used to like and don't like, what are that I need? What are my boundaries? It's important to lay a solid foundation. Here's a harsh reality. No one's going to be there with you when you're sitting on the couch at 2 in the morning, spiraling and freaking out and going down the rabbit hole. You might be able to call a friend, you might be able to call somebody, but there's no guarantee that anyone's going to be there with you. Inclusive of me and the main difference. I really had to sit down and I said, okay, I'm going to be really, really realistic between me and the people that are in my audience, right, the people I work with. What's the difference? Nothing. There' difference between any of us. We're all humans. We all have experiences. But I kept trying to say, what did I do that was different? What was I doing that was helping me get to where I needed to go? And you want to know the. The honest truth? Do you want to know the real truth as to why you're not healing, why you're not growing and why you're not evolving? The truth is because you're not actually processing. You're sitting in the same. When I was in my heyday and I had people that were ghosting me or people that were being inconsistent, I had to make a choice. No one was there to make the choice for me. I had to choose. This doesn't work for me. I had to choose to do things differently. I had to implement the tools. It wasn't like I had this fairy godmother that came down and waved her wand and my anxiety was gone. And I think that's really the reality here, is if you want to start to make changes, I need you to be the person that makes the changes. So let's go over what rumination is so room. What rumination actually is, is not. It's not that you're thinking about your feelings, you're thinking around them, which is why we don't process. So rumination is repetitive, passive, abstract thinking about problems without moving towards a solution. And it's funny, one thing about me that I've, I've noticed, even with being a business owner, I'm very solution oriented. I go into like, okay, here's the problem, right? So the problem might be X, Y and Z. This video got up or this deal didn't. Instead of, I, I don't focus on where are, what happened and how did we lose and what went wrong. No, no, that's a waste of my time. It's a futile effort. If there's obviously something where you're like, okay, can I learn from this? Like, did we say the wrong thing? Do right, of course, take, take, take feedback. But processing it is where you actually start to challenge it, where you sit with it. And so when you're ruminating, it's the same thoughts on loop with no forward movement. And when you ask, why did this happen to me? Instead of what do I do now? And I get this all the time, why do you think I always say stop with the why, why, why, why, why? It's like, that's just your brain's way of trying to understand what went wrong. But learning the why isn't going to make it feel any better. So there was a study done in 2008. Rumination predicts longer and more severe episodes of depression. It's not cathartic corrosive. You are not sitting there being like, oh, wow, I'm doing such a great job. Look at me, I'm just thinking about this person 247 and just ruminating and just staying stuck on the same thoughts. When you start to notice the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same, then you're ruminating, you're staying on it. And when you ruminate, you activate the default mode network, the DMN in your brain. And that's the same network that lights up during depression, which is really, really interesting. But here's the scary part. Rumination actually strengthens neural pathways of negative thinking. So you're literally training your brain to stay stuck. Every time you replay that conversation time, you spiral through the what ifs and looking at the text and trying to figure it out, you're making it easier for your brain to go there again. This episode is sponsored by Curl Smith. I love Curlsmith. And do you want to know why? That's because Curlsmith creates products that actually meet your hair where it's at. So whether you need hydration, frizz, control, volume, or that amazing definition. They spoke to their community and 95% of curlies said they're happier with their curls after using Curlsmith. And I can honestly say me and tech guy are one of them. We love curlsmith, their weightless air dry cream. I will say this all day. It is their most loved leave in conditioner. It is super lightweight, it's super hydrating, and it's made with incredible ingredients. It's smooth, detangles and locks in moisture without ever feeling heavy. I really love curlsmith because they care about your curl journey. This isn't just another product line. This is a really intentional product line that brings you the quality and the what you deserve in your hair. So, baby, if you're ready to embrace your natural curls, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and we know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the Curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10% off your first purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Beauty. And that's part of the whole thing that I keep saying is no one's going to stop this for you every time you do it. And you're in because I'm not with you. No one is with you in here. That's why I continue to say the relationship with yourself is going to be the longest and strongest that you have, because it's the longest one you're ever going to have. And why it feels like processing, that's the trap. Rumination feels productive because why you're busy thinking. And so if you're busy thinking, it feels like you're doing something. You're crying and feeling emotion, so you feel like you're releasing, you're trying to understand, so you feel like you're growing, but none of it moves you into anything or anywhere new. You're not climbing out of the hole, you're just rearranging the dirt and calling it a different environment. And so we have to look and say, what are your choices? Rumination isn't thinking about your feelings, it's thinking around them. Because when you ruminate, you're asking, why did this happen to me? Why did they do this on repeat? But when you process, you're actually asking, what am I learning about myself and how can I grow and evolve? One is a circle and one is a path forward. So if you keep asking the same questions you asked three months ago. You are not healing. You're stuck. If you really want to move forward, I need you to start to reshift and reframe what it is that you're trying to understand. Because the more you try to understand them, the less you understand your self. So one of the audience questions was, why do I keep trying to find where it all went wrong after they ended it? Because you think, and your brain thinks, that if you can find the exact moment it broke, then you can retroactively fix it in your mind, or that you have the perception of control. You're searching for the big aha moment, the moment that will make it all make sense. But here's the thing. Even if you find it, even if you pinpoint the exact thing that went wrong, it doesn't change what happened. You're not looking for understanding, right? If you're not looking to really try to get it, you're looking for control over something that's already over. This is rumination because it's backward focused. Rumination is backwards focused with no actionable forward movement. You can't change what happened. The question isn't, where did it go wrong. The question is, what does this teach me about what I need going forward? And that's what I mean by if you want to stay in the same, go ahead. I don't really care. But if you've told yourself the same story about what happened more than five times, you are not processing. You are just reliving the experience and re traumatizing yourself off my babies. That's all you're doing. So when you keep asking those same questions, why did they do this? And why and why and why and why you're ruminating you are stuck on the same cycle. That's why you're not feeling better. And that's why I wanted to start the series with this. Because this was a standalone episode I had had because I was like, I think this is really important. And that's the funny thing I have noticed that's. That's actually the irony of it. I have noticed that when I make episodes that are, like, genuinely beneficial, that I'm like, this is the. That's going to change your dating life. Those usually don't even necessarily get seen as much because I think that there is a reality. Everyone that's here right now, you're making a choice. I'm really proud of you. The people that show up every day, that do the work, that implement this stuff, that are like, I am learning, I'm growing. I'm a. Yeah, but if you are one, if you're coming and listening to one episode and then bopping off for six months and then coming back and then going, but I don't get it. Why am I not feeling better? It's like, what are you doing with the time? What are you doing with the experiences? What are you doing with the narratives? What are you doing with the story? Well, that's why we're here. Because I really want us to understand now. What does processing actually look like? Because now you know what it's not. Now you know that every time you start to get on the Y and the what, we're on a loop when there's no forward momentum. Because here's the reality. You trying to figure out why it went wrong, why they don't want you and why don't they don't like you is a waste of your time. Because you're just getting more disconnected from yourself trying to understand them. Because it's the perception of control. If I could figure out where it went wrong, I could have controlled it. And then I have control of how this shapes up. You know what you have control over you, you don't have control over other people. So instead of trying to understand why they did something, maybe we can look and say, how did that impact you? So what is processing? So processing has a direction and an end point. Rumination is circular. That's why we keep saying a circle versus a path. So real processing involves one emotional awareness. I feel angry, not why did they do that. The second thing, a body connection. Where do you feel it physically? That's why I'm always saying, connect back to your body, come back home into your physicality. Then we have meaning making. What does this tell me about what I need or value? Then we go into integr. How does this fit into my larger story? And now we have action orientation. What do I do with this information? Do you notice how that is an entire cycle versus why don't they like me? There's something wrong with me. Ah, of course there's something wrong with me. You're reaffirming your core beliefs. And instead what we want to do is understand how did this impact you? So here was some research done in 1997 that actually shows that writing is really important. So writing about traumatic events for 15 to 20 minutes improves mental and physical health. But this is critical. It only works works when it includes meaning making, not just venting. So when you just complain about what happened, that doesn't actually help you finding meaning. And what happens actually does. So it's called emotional labeling. Simply naming emotions reduces amygdala response. We've said it. Name it to tame it. And it allows you to turn your prefrontal cortex on. I know a lot of you guys are like, really? That's it? That's all I have to do? It's like, yes, but it's a compound effect. You do that, plus you do all these other things. And then we start to see change. It's not just simply naming it and being like, I'm just going to ruminate on what I'm naming right now. So simply naming emotions reduces the amygdala response. Your brain calms down when you can name what you feel, but ruminating about those emotions, that increases the amygdala response. So you're literally re traumatizing yourself every time you go through the loop. The Zeigernik effect. Your brain holds on to unfinished business. So processing gives you closure. Rumination keeps the loop open. So I'll give you something practical instead of being ethereal. Rumination sounds, why don't they like me? What's wrong with me? Why do I always pick the wrong person? Maybe if I'd said things differently. Maybe if I had been less needy. Maybe if I hadn't text him. What if I text them More. More time? What if? Do you notice how it's all stuck on the past? What's wrong with me? Why didn't they want me? We're trying to fill in the blanks so that our brain. Because you want to close the loop, your brain struggles to close the loop when we don't have anything to close it with versus if we're processing. And this is where I say, you create your own closure. So what does processing sound like? I feel rejected. And that activates my abandonment wound. This relationship showed me that I'm still giving away my power to emotionally unavailable people. So what do I need to understand why I'm drawn to this dynamic? What am I trying to heal through by choosing people who can't choose me back? Do you see the difference? One is a spiral, and one is a path forward. One is being very genuine. Of like, okay, what's the pattern? What my. What's in my control? What was my part? That's what I have control over. The other is, let me figure them out. Because if I could have controlled the outcome in them, I could have won. Did that work with your parents? I didn't think it did because it didn't work with mine. So somebody had asked, been broken up for eight Months, and I still dream about them. And when I wake up, I get sad. Why? Well, because you're not done processing. And that's the reality. Your subconscious knows it. Our brain, our desire. You could sit here all day and consciously be like, I'm good. Your subconscious is not going to play that game. Dreams are your brain's way of trying to make sense of unresolved emotional material. Even after I can't even tell. After my bro, my ex and I broke up, I would dream about him all the time. I would dream about him. I'd wait. I would dream about us having a different relationship, that he would come over and apologize. All of those things because I was trying to make sense of what had happened. But when you wake up sad, that means you're re entering the same emotional loop instead of completing it. When you wake up from these dreams, what do you do? Do you lie there replaying the dream and sitting there being like, oh my God, that would have been amazing. Do you think about what you miss spiraling into like, but why did this happen? That's ruminating, but versus what would processing look like instead? Maybe that would look like I had that dream again. My brain is still working through this. That's okay. I'm a human. What am I actually grieving? What part of that relationship am I holding on to? The real version of the fantasy of them? Then write it down. Grab a. Have your notebook by your desk. That's why I'm like, have a journal anywhere with a. And you could just turn your little nightstand on and then write it down. Feel the sadness for 10 minutes. Put your alarm on. And do not do this with your phone. Doing it with your journal actually activates a different part of your brain. So don't just pull your cell phone out. And then you deliberately shift your focus to your actual life today. The dreams might not stop immediately, but the waking up sad loop will if you stop feeding in with rumination when you wake up. And I know you might sit here and be like, but that's easier said than done. It's like, no, no. And I, I just, I have to call attention to this. The amount of times I get like, that's just so easy to say, but it's so hard. No, I'm sorry. What in life is easy? Is waking up every morning easy for you? Because good kudos is going to work easy for you? Because for a lot of people it's not. Is taking care of your kids easy? Because for a lot of people it's not. Is showering Sometimes easy. No, of people. It's not. This isn't about, oh, well, that's so hard. What are you going to do with it? I was you. That's why I'm trying to explain. None of this is different of my journey versus yours, really where we're coming down to. What are your choices? This episode is sponsored by One Skin Baby. If you're like me, your skin might need a little bit of extra care. This time of year, it's cold the rest of the holidays, it's so easy for your skin to feel dry, dull or stressed. But you cannot forget your skin care routine. I love One Skin's eye cream. I use it even on my forehead, on my neck. It's really lightweight but it so hydrating and at its core it has their patented OS1 peptide. So it's the first ingredient proven to target senescent cells. So that's the root cause of wrinkles and the loss of elasticity. And these results have now been validated in five different clinical studies. The best part 2:1 skin also just launched their limited edition holiday sets. It includes the nightly Rewind gift set which adds the perfect touch of luxury to your gift list. It's truly the ultimate upgrade to any nightly ritual. It has their bestselling face moisturizer, their brand new peptide lip mask, which I'm obsessed with, and a sculpt gua Sha tool. So each element is designed to work together as your body enters its natural nightly repair mode. And baby, for a limited time, try one skin for 15% off using the code Sabrina at Oneskin Co. Sabrina, after you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. This episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. Let's be honest, y'. All. Shopping is not as fun or easy as it sounds. I know. I have spent hours trying things on scrolling, zooming and reading reviews only to end up with a cart full of nothing that I fits or feels right in a bunch of returns. Stitch Fix makes it so much easier. You get a personal stylist who sends pieces that match your size, style and everything in your budget. So there's no guesswork and no stress. Here's how Stitch Fix works. You take a quick style quiz. You share your size, your style and budget and get matched with a real human stylist who gets your vibe. And really it's no risk at all. You get personalized fix box straight to your door to try try it all on in the comfort of your home. Shipping and returns are Always free and there's no subscription required. Plus, get a free try on for your first fix. Babes, get started today. Especially when you want to go on your dates. You got your parties and you don't know what to wear. We got you. So get started today@stitch fix.com Sabrina to get $20 off your first order and they'll waive your styling fee. Again. Stitch fit fix.com Sabrina so one of you guys had written in an ass. No contact for three plus months, and I still can't stop thinking about this person. Eight months and I'm still sad. What's going on? All right, you want to know what's really going on? You think time is healing you. It's not. You can spend a year, a month, a day asking, why didn't this person choose me? And make zero progress. Or you can spend one month asking, what did this activate in me? And actually heal. Stop counting the days since it ended or since you went no contact, and start noticing if your questions are different. Because if you're asking the same thing you asked in week one, time isn't your problem, baby. It's what you're doing with it. The reality is, time passing doesn't equal healing. If you spent three months or eight months ruminating, you can be a year out of it and still stuck in the same mental loop. If you haven't actually processed, it's not about the time, it's about what you're doing with the time. And that's why I always say, take the shine off of them. Right? That's why, like, when something ends or if it doesn't work out, the more you try, my avoidant this, my avoidant that. They are not a Tamagotchi. This is a human being with an experience. Stop putting everybody in a box of like, well, they're avoidant. So they do all of these things. You're not allowing people to be people. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what was your part in it? I want you to start getting really clear about that because you can have three months of rumination with zero progress, or you can have one month of actual processing and have momentum that's forward. So stop measuring your healing by the calendar and start measuring it by whether your thoughts are different than they were last week, the week before, or the week that you got broken up. Are you asking new questions? Are you gaining new insights? Or are you having the same thoughts you in the first week? Now, here's the thing. If you're stuck in Rumination and you know, how to shift to processing. This is exactly what we work on in depth. Because breaking this pattern and trying to understand requires more than an episode that can give you. It requires real time pattern recognition, emotional regulation, tools, and the support as you practice doing it differently. But first, if you need to know if you're actually making progress, let's talk about that. If you guys want more, you know, I got you. There's the foundation course. We're starting our new going slow course. We're going to have new things in the new year. We have the book coming out. We have all these amazing things. Everything, as you guys know, is in the link in bio or the spritazor.com. so please know. But let's talk about on this episode, right? Because you might just need. You might need more than that, or you might listen to this and go, oh, my God, that's everything I needed. Awesome. I'm here for that. So let's talk about the breakthrough. Let's go over what is it actually going to look like? So how do you know if you're making progress with spiraling and ruminating? That's something that you guys had asked. To me, that's the question. The answer isn't what most people want to hear, and that's going to be a reality. You're making progress when the questions you're asking, asking change. That's when you know you're making progress. Signs. You're still ruminating. You're asking the same questions you asked one day a week, a month, a year after. Your thoughts feel urgent and repetitive. Like, I need to figure this out now. I need to, because I need to get rid of this. This is too heavy. You feel worse after thinking about it, not different. You're not processing it and being like, okay, wow, thank you. I just, I think I just need to get to hash that out. Which, like, it happens all the time on sessions. People will come spiraling. In the end, they're like, man, thank you. I just, like, I needed. Because we processed. I didn't let. I don'. Let people sit on the same loop. Right? Because otherwise you're not helping it. You can't identify anything new that you've learned because you're just on the same loop. Your friends are tired of hearing the same story. And I know I've been that friend. I've been on both sides of the coin. I have been the friend that's like, hey, dude, like, I had one friend. I had to actually tell her. I was like, I. I Can't do this anymore. It was every day. It was the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, the same thing. And I was like, we're. We're not moving. It's been six months, dude. I'm like, we're not changing. Nothing is changing. I was like, I. I can't do this. You keep having the same conversation with yourself. Those are all signs. You're ruminating. You want to know if you're actually processing and what that looks like. The questions evolve. So maybe the week, the first week was, why did this person leave me? But then maybe by week four, you're like, what was I avoiding? By staying, you notice the patterns you didn't necessarily see before. You can still feel heavy and. And sad because you're a human, but not panicked. There's sadness, but there's also clarity, right? If they're like, I might care about this person, but I also know that, like, my knees just weren't met. You can talk about it without re. Traumatizing yourself because you're not holding on to core beliefs. It's not about, there's something wrong with you, and why did they leave me? And everybody doesn't want. You're connecting dots to bigger patterns in your life, and you're learning something about yourself. It's not just about them. And that's the biggest thing when we talk about ruminating or spiraling is what are you learning about you? So when we think about progress, I don't want you to think of, do I still think about them? That's not the point of this, because you might. But are my thoughts teaching me something new? Because if you're having the same thought for the 47th time, you're spiraling, you're ruminating. You're in the same thing. But if you're discovering something about yourself of like, no, I didn't see that before. Before, you're processing. You're actually able to expand. You're looking at things differently. Something that you guys have asked quite a bit was, how do I avoid ruining the present moment? By focusing on the hypotheticals, right? What if they do this and what if they do that? And what I get it, right? What I hear from that is like, do you trust yourself? But the first thing I want you to recognize are, what are those hypotheticals doing? They're keeping you in the past, or they're projecting into a future that doesn't exist. Either way, you're not in the present. You're not actually thinking about the past or the future. You're Avoiding the present. What if I had this? What if they had that? Hypotheticals feel safer than reality. What if feels better than it's over. You know why? Because you have to face reality. You're not in your life, you're in your head. The present feels empty because you're not actually here, and that's why you feel so disconnected. Healing doesn't happen in imagination. Healing doesn't happen in what ifs. It happens in the present moment. When you finally take up space and say, this didn't work for me and I have every right to own that. When you start to do the what if I said this, ruminating on the past. What if they come back ruminating on the future? Both are forms of not accepting what is. And here's what to do. When you catch yourself in this hypothetical spiral, I want you to ask yourself, what am I avoiding feeling right now? Usually, the hypotheticals are protecting you from the reality that you don't want to face. That's also why I will continue to say, just because you're anxious doesn't mean you're not emotionally unavailable. For a lot of people, we have to avoid vulnerability. We avoid going deeper. We avoid understanding. What did I avoid by staying in this? And a lot of what if I had done X differently feel safer than it's over, and I can't change that. What if they come back, feel safer? Then I have to rebuild a life without them. The. The present feels ruined because you're not actually in the present. You're in your head. You're creating these narratives, and you're reaffirming your core beliefs. So here's the work. When you notice the hypothetical thoughts, when you start to go into that, I want you to literally say out loud, I'm doing it again. That's what I mean by thought interruption. You can drop your phone, you can, like, slap your legs and be like, whoa, I'm in this again. I do that. I'll be like, sabrina, you're looping. You're on the same loop. Then I want you to ground yourself. My favorite thing is to scan for safety. We've talked about this, where you SC and you look at five things you can see right now. So if I were in right now, I'd be like, oh, my podcast room. Yay, there's my camera. Oh, I love the pink XLR cables. Oh, there's my little heart guy. Because what that does is it brings me back into the present moment. I'm in this moment. Then you can take a couple of deep breaths. Remember, that activates the vagus nerve and you can bring your body back. And then I want you to ask what is happening in this moment? And the hard part is the present might actually feel boring or sad compared to the fantasy scenarios that you've made in your head. That's why we to want want those fantasy. But that's where healing happens. In the reality of what is now, not in the imagination of what could happen. And what if? My mama has been saying that to me for years. I would always say but what if, what if? And she goes, but Sabrina, if that were the case, then it would be what is. Then you wouldn't have these issues because it'd be like, but why don't they do them? What if they did this and what if they did that? And she's like, but then they would. You wouldn't have these problems. You would be in the relationship you want. So every time I go to what if I start? I stop and ask myself, yeah, but, but what is? This episode is sponsored by Lola Blankets. Lola has become our best friend in this house. This blanket has changed our life. We always cuddle on the couch. That's our way of unwinding. And now our dog Kobe will not unwind or cuddle with us unless Lola is present. To the point where when his dog sitter came, she had to take Lola into bed with her so that he would come in. Because it's literally the most comfortable, cozy, high quality blanket. Plus you can machine wash it. It's double hemmed for durability. It stay flawless. You get no pilling, no shedding, even after repeated washes. I am obsessed. It's the kind of quality you feel the moment you touch it. And during the holidays, it's the kind of gift that feels extra special because you know it will last for years to come. Give the gift of softness this holiday season with Lola Blankets. For a limited time, our listeners are getting a huge 40% off. You heard that right. 40% off their entire order@lola blankets.com by using code Sabrina at checkout. Just head to LOL blankets.com and use code Sabrina for 40% off. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Someone asked. I feel like I did make peace that it's over, but recently it's been coming back up. Why? Baby healing isn't linear. Sometimes your brain needs another pass at it. You didn't fail at healing. There is no metric here. You processed one layer and now there's another one showing up. I want you to think of it as like peeling a can onion. Right? We're ogres here. You've processed the surface layer. Maybe the immediate pain, like the logistics of the breakup, the initial grief. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're not going to hit a deeper layer. Maybe the meaning of it had for your identity. Maybe it was triggering something that reminded you of something that was unresolved. Maybe you're finally safe enough to feel something you couldn't feel before. And that's okay. That's normal. This is actually a sign of progress. It's not regression where it would be. Regression is if you just do it all over again. But what matters is when it comes back up, are you asking the same questions or are you asking different ones? If you're back to, why did this happen, happened to me, maybe you skipped a part of the processing. Or if you're asking, what is this bringing up for me now, you're still processing. It's just a deeper level I have had that I have. Please don't panic when waves like that come. Just notice it, right? Is it the safe wave? Or is this a new drink of water? Because I've had that with even friends. Like, I've told you guys about the friend that goes to me, by the way. Still haven't heard from this person. It's been now two months, officially. And I'm like, well, by the time this comes out, three months. And I'm like, okay, that's just what it is. And instead of being like, why did she do this and what did I do wrong? Which the first week now I'm going, all right, what's this bringing up in me? Is there another part that's feeling triggered? Or is it the same part? Is maybe that part of me just feeling really sad? That's okay, right? Because I went through the initial of like, all right, this person, what are you going to do? They're not your friend, move on with your life. That's the initial. But then there was a deeper wave of like, oh, but what is this bringing up in me now? So I want you to be able to tell the difference. Let's start to ask yourself these four questions. The first one, have my thoughts changed or evolve? If it's the same loop, we're in rumination. But if you could start even that of like, I went from what did I do wrong? And did I piss this person off? And everything to now going, I. I can't change that. I can only just Say, what is this bringing up within me? The second thing, am I asking questions I can answer? Not why did they ghost you? No, you can't answer that. I mean, you can. You can make up, right? But why did this person do this? Why did they do that? We don't have the answer for that. But you know what you can answer, what boundary did I miss? What was my part in this? The third question, do I feel worse or different after thinking worse is you're ruminating, different, processing. Maybe you say, I feel a little lighter, right? Can I take action from this thought? No action possible is wrong. Ruminating. But the reality is sometimes you're ruminating because you're not ready to let go. And I get that. I had that all the time. Like when I was in my dating phase, I have people that I was like, I'm just not ready to accept the reality because rumination gives you the illusion of control and it keeps the person or situation alive in your mind. So you keep saying, if I can actually figure this out, then I can get them. I can change the situation, I can change the environment, I can change the outcome, and I can get them to love me and want me and be with me and all of those things. Processing means accepting it's overdone, moving forward. That's why it's scarier. That's why it feels really uncomfortable, is because we have to acknowledge, oh, this is the reality. And for a lot of us, here's the thing. When I was a kid, fantasy kept me safe. Because if I had to acknowledge the reality, I had to acknowledge that my father was a piece of and wasn't going to be there for me. That was really, really tough for me. My dad, I saw him a few weeks ago and it was really tough because there are the parts of me that I'm like, I love my father, and he's so sweet and lovely. And then he does one thing or he says one thing thing, and you're like, nope, there he is, there he is. And that's what was really a struggle for me. And I don't shame or blame myself for having these thoughts. I just look and say, like, I'm really proud of you for acknowledging that. Because I don't need to fantasize about the father that I wish I had. I don't. It's. I can grieve now, the one that I didn't have. But as a kid, the fantasy kept me a lot safer because if I had to face reality, that meant I had to face that my parents and my caregivers weren't there for me and that my siblings weren't really there for me and that I'm might have been. So let's talk about a tool. The five minute rule. I want you to set a timer and I want you to think about the situation for five minutes with one rule. Every thought must move you forward, not sideways. So if you find yourself circling again on the what if I had, Maybe I should have. I wonder if they. I need you to stop because you're ruminating and that's a big part. Otherwise you're just going to keep doing the same thing. But instead maybe what we can do and we're going to now go into like, what can you actually do? But in that moment maybe you can stop and say, because, like, I'll do that sometimes I'll, I'll be on something. And I'm like, whoa, Sabrina, you're like just, just complaining. And one minute of complaining adds like two to three hours of cortisol to your day. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. That's why I'm like venting, maybe with a therapist that you're processing, but just calling your friend and bitching and moaning for three hours and going. And you're not processing, you're ruminating. Someone had asked, why does it get worse before it gets better? You want to know why? No contact by itself doesn't do anything because you're not actually processing with that no contact. You're ruminating. And when you start to process, you finally feel what you've been avoiding. When you stop ruminating and you actually start the processing, you're no longer numbing yourself mental distraction. You're sitting with the actual emotions instead of thinking and intellectualizing about the emotions. Rumination is a protection mechanism. It keeps you so busy so that you don't have to feel the full weight of the loss and actually grieve. When you shift to processing, that protection comes down. And it hurts more at first because you're finally letting yourself feel it and you're not distracting, numbing or trying to get away from it. I want you to think of it this way. You've had a wound and rumination is like obsessively touching the bandage, checking it and talking about it, but never actually cleaning the wound. Processing is when you finally take the bandage off and clean it out. That's when it really stings. But that's also when you actually start to see healing. Listen, the getting worse phase is temporary. It's the valley you have to walk through to get the other side. But most people give up there. They think like it's not working. It's not working. I feel worse. But feeling worse is temporary, baby. It's a sign that it might be working cuz you're cleaning out the infection. But that's why I'm saying, does it feel different? Because if you're like, no, it feels worse because it's all the same. Then you're pro, you're ruminating, you're just in the same. So how do you actually move from rumination to processing? So here is a short framework that I want you to start to implement. And again, if you need more, join the courses. But this is just a start for you guys. Or talk to your therapist about it. Whoever you're working with, I don't really care. But the first one, notice the loop. I'm ruminating right now. Don't judge it. Remember, name it to tame it. Awareness breaks the automatic pattern. Say it. Then second thing, name the core emotion beneath the feelings. What do you actually feel? Sad? Mad? Angry? Rejected? Ashamed? Not, I feel like they didn't care about me. That's a thought. But what's the actual feeling under that? Because maybe it's I feel like they didn't care about me. I'm really sad because I feel like people constantly leave me and I'm not important. Got it. That's what this is about. Then the third, ask a forward facing question. What do I need right now? Not why did this happen to me? Not what if, what is, what is? No, what am I learning about myself right now? Not what did I do wrong, what do I value that I wasn't getting? Not how do I get them back? Because then you're just stuck on the same. You want to control what happened. And the fourth thing, create an endpoint. I'm giving myself until Friday to feel this fully. Then I'm choosing differently. Give yourself permission to feel it and permission to be done with it. That was a huge thing for me after my breakups. Instead of spiraling and noodle and I allowed myself to feel. But I would even tell myself like, all right girl, this was a two monther. I'm giving you until the end of the week. And then after that, baby, you get to choose differently here. Because I get to choose what I focus on. I get to choose how long I'm going to stay in something. I get to choose what my brain focuses on. So when you catch yourself ruminating, maybe here's like the practical part of it stop mid thought. Put your hand on your chest and say it out loud. I am ruminating. What am I actually feeling right now? What is actually coming up with me? Sit with the feeling, not the. The thought, for 60 seconds. That's why Jill Bolt Taylor takes 90 seconds for an emotion to run its course. But you guys are sitting with the thoughts. They don't like me. They don't want me. They don't think I'm pretty enough. They don't think I'm strong enough. They think I'm this, they think I'm that. That's the thought, not the feeling. I feel less than. I feel really shitty. Sit with that O. This feels like. Then I want you to ask, what do I need to do next? That moves me forward? This breaks the neural pathway. Because what you're doing is you're teaching your brain. There's a different option besides. Besides this loop. There is a different option besides just going on the same thing. Because you do have a choice. But I need you to regulate and access that place of choice. When you're dysregulated, it feels like you don't have any because you're in survival. So I want you this week to catch yourself ruminating three times. If you can. Don't judge yourself. Just notice and say it out loud like, whoa, I'm ruminating. Then ask, what am I actually afraid to feel or accept? And then journal in the answer and be honest. Be honest. You're not ruminating because you love them so much. You're ruminating because you're scared. You're. Of what? What happens when you stop and what you're going to have to feel and what you're going to have to face. All of those aspects. And that's really human. But what are your choices? So now, part one, right, we have four parts. What are you going to bring into 2026? Because before we end, I want to get really clear on something. What are you carrying into the new year? The same mental loop from 2025, from 2024 for me, 1990. Are you finally ready to close it? Because here's what I know. If you don't shift from rumination to processing, you're going to be having the same conversation with yourself on New Year's Day, on Valentine Day, on summertime. At the end, you're going to be having this conversation all year. But the difference between processing and ruminating is the difference between moving on and staying stuck. You get to choose. You finally get to make a choice for yourself. That works so now, now that you know the difference between ruminating and spiraling, here's what we're going to be tackling next. And I think I chose this one very specifically because I think you're secretly hoping as the year ends, maybe this new year, they'll realize what they lost and they'll come back. And don't even try to tell me me that you don't. So let's talk about that fantasy and why it keeps you stuck. And so that's what's going to be next week is do they always come back? And here's the thing, some do, some don't. But that's not actually the question that you should be asking. So we're going to go into why do they? Why don't they? What does that mean about us? And how do you actually move on? Because I really, really wanted this series leading up to New Year's Eve. I really, really wanted this to create a container where you actually feel like you're. You're doing what you need to do in order to get to where you want to go. I can say things ethereally, I can talk about stuff, but I really want you to focus on what are my choices. Until the next episode comes, I want you to catch yourself ruminating even once and name it and ask yourself what you're actually avoiding. That's where the work begins. It doesn't begin because after this episode you have this huge come to Jesus moment and all of a sudden now you're like, oh, I'm never going to spiral again. Yes, you will, cuz you're a human. And that's okay. I give you 100% permission to be a human. But maybe we can ask and say, what am I doing with these tools? What am I implementing? How am I showing up? And what are my choices? Because you deserve better in the new year. But this is also the thing, we're going to do this gradually because if I were to say in 2026, you're never going to ruminate and spiral again. Your brain's like, get, lady. That's definitely not going to happen. Because like any New Year's resolutions, when they're too big and too large, you're not going to be able to tackle it. So maybe what we can say is this is, is the first step. We're taking one step to the top of the mountain. That mountain's really scary and overwhelming. It is. I'm on that side of TikTok. I have been getting all this Everest content of all these people dying on Mount Everest. Now all of a sudden, I'm like, in Everest. Tick tock. But that mountain's terrifying. We're on one step, baby. We're not trying to get to the top. That's okay. I. I don't need to go that high. The fall is really great. I just want to get to a place where the view feels really beautiful for me. I don't need to be where everybody else is. So this is the first step and I want you to make this promise to yourself. Now, whatever happens from this point on, you're going to treat yourself with compassion and grace because you're a human and you deserv Deserve nothing less. And I don't want you to forget that. All right, babes, this is a bit of a longer episode, but I hope you loved it. We had a lot of science, a lot of stuff to get through, and I really wanted to make sure that you felt supported throughout. Guys, as always, if you need anything, let me know. Pop them into the comments. Let me know what you think. If you like this series or if you want a different one, whatever you guys need, don't forget we've got the foundation course. You could work one on one, ask a question joints, download some free guides, whatever you guys need. Everything's a link in bio. And in the new year, we're going to have so much more stuff because my book comes out and I'm so excited, guys, I love you. Thank you for rating and reviewing the show. Thank you for listening. Even if you don't listen to the whole thing, Mark is finished. It just helps us to grow. Auto, download the episodes. All the fun that comes with being part of the podcast community. And as always, thank you. Thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. So, baby, until next week, which I'm really stoked for. Part two. You got this, baby. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Flu season is here and our pharmacies have you covered with a free flu shot with most insurance plans. Plus, it's cough and cold season and now through December 2nd. Stock up on all the season's essentials and get ready for relief with discounts on items like Mucinex, cold and flu, Kickstart, Mucinex, Fast Max products, vicks, daquil and nyquil.com combo pack Alka Seltzer. Plus also airborne and afrin offers end December 2nd. Restrictions apply and offers may vary by location. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details. VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay and save over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only with savings over $390. The shop is season. VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time with those you love most. From snow on the roof to sand between your toes. We have all the vacation rental options covered. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay. Save over $390 this holiday season and book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only.