The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 175: "Do They Always Come Back?"

Release Date: December 5, 2025
Host: Sabrina Zohar

Episode Overview

In this episode, Sabrina Zohar tackles the perennial relationship question: "Do they always come back?" But she quickly flips the script, arguing that waiting for an ex's return isn’t about love or hope—it’s rooted in avoidance, denial, and the search for validation. As the year ends, Sabrina encourages listeners not just to analyze the return of significant others but to reflect on what waiting represents, challenge the fantasies they hold, and choose to step bravely into a new year focused on growth, self-worth, and honest self-reflection.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why We Wait (03:50 - 07:00)

• End-of-Year Reflections: The holidays and year-end often trigger exes to resurface. People commonly get "I've been thinking about you" messages, prompting questions like, "Will they come back?"
• The Real Issue: Instead of asking if they'll return, Sabrina asks, "Why are you waiting in the first place?"
  • Personal Anecdote: Sabrina shares a story about receiving a random text from a 2022 match (04:15), underscoring how unnecessary these waiting games are.

"The real question isn’t, will they come back? Some do, some don’t. Honestly, that doesn’t matter. The real question is, why are you putting your entire life on hold waiting to find out?"
— Sabrina Zohar (05:26)

2. The Psychology of Waiting (07:05 - 11:40)

• Five Psychological Functions of Waiting:
  1. Illusion of Control: Staying 'ready' feels like you could influence or not miss a second chance.
  2. Identity Organizer: Being 'the one who waits' becomes a self-narrative, albeit a painful one.
  3. Protection from Grieving: If there’s still hope, you don’t have to confront the finality of loss.
  4. Excuse Not To Risk Again: As long as you’re waiting, there’s no pressure to open up to new relationships.
  5. Illusion of Unfinished Business: The story and connection feel alive while waiting, even if the reality is over.
• Ambiguous Loss (Pauline Boss): When a breakup lacks closure, it leads to 'frozen grief'; your brain can't process what isn't definitive.
• Future Self Continuity (13:12): If you can't envision a future without that person, it's nearly impossible to make healthy decisions now.

"You’re waiting for them to come back so you can feel worthy again. But think about what that means. You gave someone who left you the power to determine your value, and now you’re organizing your entire healing around if they change their mind. That’s not love, baby. You’re just abandoning yourself."
— Sabrina Zohar (10:12)

3. Hope vs. Belief, and the Trap of the 'Maybe' (11:56 - 13:50)

• Hope Can Be Denial: Sabrina recalls, "I used to say, 'I hope,' and my mom would say, 'I don’t hope, I believe.'"
• Uncertainty Effect: People prefer painful certainty over hopeful ambiguity, but keeping things 'maybe' is just continued agony.

4. Ego vs. Genuine Desire for Reconciliation (14:20 - 16:37)

• How to Tell the Difference:
  • Ego Wants Them Back: You fantasize about 'winning,' them feeling regret, and you feeling chosen.
  • Heart Wants Them Back: You miss specific relationship dynamics, not just general validation.
• The Real Motivation: Most of the time, it's validation and not the actual relationship. Sabrina urges honesty: "You don’t miss them. You miss feeling wanted by them."

"Even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn’t heal what you think it would. Because you think you’re waiting for them to come back, but what you’re really waiting for is...an apology that makes the pain make sense and go away. And the reality is, even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn’t heal that."
— Sabrina Zohar (16:15)

5. The Trap of the Redemption Narrative (17:05 - 18:20)

• Narrative Psychology: People create 'redemption scripts' where reconciliation redeems all prior pain, holding healing hostage to someone else’s choices.
• Self-Concept Threat: An ex leaving can shatter your self-image—waiting for their return is an attempt to restore it externally, rather than forging self-worth independently.

6. Ambivalence and Attraction to Uncertainty (20:46 - 23:00)

• Fear of Loss vs. Fear of Repetition:
  • Terrified they won’t come back (rejection becomes real and final).
  • Terrified they will (nothing's changed, risk of same heartbreak).
• Waiting is Avoidance: It's easier to wait and not grieve than to accept and move on.
• Sunken Cost Fallacy: Past investment keeps you waiting—don’t add another year just because you’ve already waited.

"Three years of loving someone who couldn’t love you back doesn’t mean you should add a fourth year of waiting. It means you deserve to stop spending time on something that isn’t growing. Stop calling it loyalty and stop calling it hope."
— Sabrina Zohar (22:22)

7. Costs of Waiting: Chronic Stress and Health (23:14 - 24:30)

• Goal Disengagement: Not letting go of unattainable goals causes heightened cortisol and health problems; your body is literally keeping score.
• Rumination vs. Reflection: Overthinking traps you in cycles—you’re not processing, you’re fantasizing.

"Your nervous system can’t relax when you’re perpetually braced for them to either return or not return. You’re living in a state of suspended anticipation."
— Sabrina Zohar (23:43)

8. Actionable Tools: How To Let Go (24:30 - 28:23)

1. Name it to Tame it: Admit the real reason you’re waiting (“I’m afraid to accept that this is over”).
2. Get Specific About the Fantasy: Write out exactly what you’re expecting; realism helps break the spell.
3. Envision a Future Without Them: What would you do if you knew they’d never return? Do those things now.
4. Make the Cost Visible: Document what waiting is costing you—lost opportunities, energy, joy.

9. If They Actually Come Back… (28:24 - 34:30)

• Words Are Cheap—Behavior Counts: Only real, demonstrable change matters.
• Questions to Ask:
  • What specifically has changed? (Not feelings—actions.)
  • What have they done to work on the issues that broke things?
  • Did you (yourself) grow while they were gone, or just wait?

"My mama has always said, when I said, ‘We’re getting back together,’ she said, ‘You can't get back together. What you had didn't work. You're starting anew.’"
— Sabrina Zohar (30:40)

• Beware of 'Calendar-Triggered Reconnections': The end of the year, holidays, and milestones often drive people to reach out—not always for the right reasons.
• True Vetting: Before responding to a returning ex, take at least 24 hours and ask hard questions.

"If they can’t answer that clearly and specifically, you have your answer. If they get defensive or make you feel crazy for asking...run, baby."
— Sabrina Zohar (33:47)

10. Personal Growth and Looking To Next Year (34:31 - 36:50)

• What Are You Carrying Into 2026?
  • Are you continuing the wait, hoping for someone else’s choice to heal you?
  • Or are you choosing yourself and letting go?
• Encouragement: Learn from the year, let go of waiting, and move into a brighter, self-driven future.

"You’re going to look up next December and realize you spent another year in the waiting room of your own life. And now that you know waiting is about you, not them...what are you avoiding by waiting?"
— Sabrina Zohar (35:45)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “You’re waiting for permission you already fucking have.” — Sabrina Zohar (17:56)
• “Most of the time, it’s your ego, because you don’t miss them. You miss feeling wanted by them.” — Sabrina Zohar (15:45)
• “Waiting allows you to stay in this ‘I will be chosen, I will be picked’... and that’s just reaffirming your core beliefs.” — Sabrina Zohar (14:58)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:50 — End-of-Year Reach-Outs & "Why Are You Waiting?"
• 07:05 — Five Psychological Functions of Waiting
• 10:12 — Giving Power Over Your Value to Someone Who Left
• 13:12 — Future Self Continuity and Frozen Grief
• 14:20 — Ego vs. Genuine Reconciliation
• 16:15 — Even the Perfect Apology Doesn’t Heal the Real Wound
• 20:46 — Ambivalence: Fear They’ll Come Back vs. Fear They Won’t
• 23:14 — Chronic Stress of Living in "Maybe"
• 24:30 — Action Tips for Letting Go
• 28:24 — Vetting an Ex Who Returns
• 30:40 — "You’re starting anew" (Mama’s Wisdom)
• 33:47 — How to Vet for Real Change Post-Reconnection
• 34:31 — What Will You Bring Into 2026?

Closing Thoughts & Next Episode Tease

Sabrina wraps up by urging listeners to journal honestly about what they’re avoiding. The real work is in honest self-examination and forging a future on your terms. Next week’s episode will focus on whether you really need to be "fully healed" to date again—a challenge to the self-work purist mindset.

Engagement Prompt:
"What are you letting go of? What are you bringing into the next year? Drop your answers in the comments—I want to see what you’re ready to release so we can move into the life you deserve."

Connect with Sabrina:

• Instagram: @thesabrinazoharshow | @sabrina.zohar
• TikTok: @sabrina.zohar
• Bonus episodes, questions, and 1:1 work—see link in bio.