Podcast Guest or Listener (4:35)

Who?

Sabrina Zohar (4:35)

I. We just, like, I think we FaceTimed. And I remember just thinking, you know, like, you get a vibe from someone and you're like, nah, I'm good. And then that person reached out three and a half years later to ask how Sabrina was doing on Halloween. Fine. Thank you. Me and my partner and our awesome costume are doing great. Thank you so much. I didn't answer. I just moved on with my life. But I really wanted us to talk about that because I know a lot of you guys had written in and if you want to the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram, you can write in questions when I do the question box baby. So follow along if you haven't already. But some of the questions you guys asked is how can I differentiate between actually wanting them back and my ego wanting them back? What if you're stuck between being terrified they won't come back and terrified they will? What are tips to let go and stop hoping and overthinking the passer. How do I know if they come back? Is on another round of and it's real. The real question isn't, will they come back? Some do, some don't. Honestly, that doesn't matter. The real question is, why are you putting your entire life on hold waiting to find out? So today we're talking about what waiting actually does for you psychologically and why it's not hope. It's actually avoidance. So this is episode two of the Clarity series, Dating with Intention. And this is going to sting, but I think you need to hear it. And I was her. I used to hope, like, oh, maybe they'll come back for me to. Because why? Because why? Well, let's look at underneath the hood, right? I was always hoping that they're going to realize that I'm worthy. They're going to realize I'm deserving. They're going to realize that I'm the most amazing person that they ever had because that gives me worth, that makes me feel validated, and that makes me feel like I am worthy of something. Because if they leap, but they come back for me, similar to my childhood, I was always hoping maybe my dad's going to realize. Maybe my dad will see what an amazing kid I am. Maybe my dad will. Will realize the family that he had. And it's wild, as I say, can feel the tears welling up underneath the hood. I can feel myself going as my voice wanted to crack. Because that's what makes me even realize even more. Like, this has nothing to do with these people. This has to do with being that child that feels like no one's ever going to come back for them. And maybe now you could be that person. Maybe. Sorry, I also got distracted by. If anybody's watching the Sabrina Zoharso candle, I wish you guys could smell it. Don't forget, we only have three pullovers left. If you guys want merch, we're making a new round. We're not making the same prints. We're going to do something new but grab them before they're going on. Sorry. Shameless plug. Okay, let's talk about the psychological function of waiting. So what waiting actually gives you? Waiting is imp. Passive. And I know a lot of us might think like, oh, I'm, I'm not doing anything. It's an active choice that serves a psychological function. And here's what you're actually doing. So the first thing, a sense of control. If I just stay ready, I won't miss my chance. You think if you keep yourself available, if you keep the door open, if you keep hoping, you'll be prepared when they realize what they lost. But you're not controlling anything. You're just giving them all the power. And that's what I meant by so then it's about them realizing what they lost. So it's about us. It's not actually about them. The second thing it gives you is something to organize your identity around. I'm the person who's waiting for X to come back. This becomes who you are. The one who got left, the one who's still holding on, the one who hasn't moved on. It gives You a story. And as painful as that story is, it's also familiar. Right? Then you're the little girl like me, waiting for dad to come back and get her. The third thing it gives you is protection from actually grieving. If they might come back, you don't have to fully accept it's over. So that's the big one. It keeps you in the maybe zone. And as long as there's a maybe, you don't have to feel the full weight of the loss. And you get to stay in denial and call that hope. It's not Antonio. I used to say to my mama, I hope. And she would say, I don't hope, I believe. And I was like, oh, no. You might look at me and be like, that's stupid. Sure, you're allowed to believe that, but she's right. Hope insinuates that maybe you don't actually believe it's there. And I used to be like, I hope, I hope, I hope. And then I realized I'm like, no, I believe. I do. I believe that this is out there for me. I believe in my heart and in my soul that that's going to happen for me. I'm not hoping that it will. I believe and I know that it will. So maybe we can reframe. The fourth thing is a reason to not risk again. I can't date. Seriously. Because what if they return? It's the perfect excuse to stay safe. You're not actually available to anyone new because you're still emotionally reserved for someone who chose to leave. The last thing. It's the illusion of unfinished business. It keeps the story alive. As long as the story is alive, so is the connection. You're waiting for them to come back so you can feel worthy again. But think about what that means. You gave someone who left you the power to determine your value, and now you're organizing your entire healing around if they change their mind. That's not love, baby. You're just abandoning yourself. We had talked about this on another episode, but we're going to go into it. Research on ambiguous loss. So Pauline Boss's ambiguous loss theory. So when you don't have closure, you experience frozen grief, and that is unable to fully mourn because the loss isn't definitive. So waiting becomes and keeps the loss ambiguous. They're gone, but they're not gone. So it's over, but it's not over. And your brain can't complete the grieving process when you're living in that limbo. Think about it. When someone dies, you grieve it's painful, but it's very clear they're not here anymore. When someone breaks up with you, but you keep waiting for them to come back, you. You can't grieve because you keep telling yourself it's temporary. And that's what I've been learning about the brain. Our brain wants to close the loop. Our brain wants to have finality. Our brain wants to be able to say. And a lot of the things that we go over is about us rigging the system. It's about us trying to trick our brain so that we can actually start to move forward and have progress. Because a lot of this is just repatterning and conditioning. This episode is sponsored by Merit Beauty. You know how some people swear by their, like, 15 step makeup routine? I'm more of a five minutes. Let's go in and out. Especially when, like, you're running all around the day. You want to look natural and beautiful, but you don't really want to be caked on for a date. And that's why I love Merit. So Merit is a minimalist beauty brand that makes elevated makeup and skincare designed to help you look put together in literal minutes. Merit's bestsellers are proof that less really is more. So they have a flush bomb. It gives you this natural, healthy glow without overdoing it. No joke. One was sold every 30 seconds in 2024. That's how good it is. I have the color Fox. I love it. It's subtle. It's not this crazy pop, but I feel really beautiful in it. And there's the minimalist, which double duty as a foundation and concealer so you can get quick coverage without layering a bunch of products and babes. Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their signature makeup bag with your first order@merit beauty.com that's M E R I T beauty.com to get your free signature makeup bag with your first order. Again, merit beauty.com so there's a study done in 2011 called the Future Self continuity. So people who can't envision their future self without someone else show less capacity for present decision making. You're stuck because you literally cannot see a future where they're not in it. So every time you try to imagine next year, they're there. So you can't make a decision about your actual life because you're living in this hypothetical that where they return. And I lived in that for a minute when my ex left. I, like, didn't even want to make plans for that week because I Was like, but what if he calls? What if he wants to come back? What if he wants to talk? What? I kept the schedule open, and so I wasn't able to move forward, and I had to reframe and look at things. I hear this all the time from you guys. I. But this makes me sad. And this and this. And I can't go here because it makes me remember them. Then you gotta reframe what those meanings are. You have to reestablish new memories. When I went to New York, I cried everywhere. I used to walk with Clem. But does that mean I just didn't do it? No, that meant that I had to reframe and say, well, those were. That was then, and that was a really beautiful time. But now I'm back with my partner. Or now I'm back older in a different environment. There are certain songs, you're right. I just can't listen to, but there are certain ones where I'm like, no, I'm not gonna let this person take that away from me. So there's also a study called the uncertainty effect. Studies show people prefer negative certainty over positive certainties. What the does that actually mean? We'd rather know it's over than live in maybe. But when you create the maybe by waiting, you're choosing the pain. You're picking uncertainty and then wondering why you're anxious all the time. Right? You think you're being patient or loyal or keeping your heart open, but what you're actually doing is you're refusing to grieve. Because if you fully accept it's over, if you actually let go, then you have to feel the full weight of the loss. And that's terrifying. So you wait. And it's not just because you have hope, because you have fear. And that's where I would even start to get really, really curious with yourself. What are you scared of happening if you let them go? What are you scared of happening that you're not gonna have anything else? Okay, but did you have anything with them? I hear that all the time. Like, then I'll be alone. It's like, but weren't you. Weren't you right? They're not here. What's different? Besides just this dopamine addiction to them? But what makes them so special that you can't move on or that you're hoping they're going to come back? Because very rarely do people change. And if they come back with actionable tools, I'm open to a conversation. Let's go into closure. I think closure is the biggest fallacy in myth, and we've talked about it on this show before, but let's talk about it in. In this context. So one of you guys had written and asked, how can I differentiate between actually wanting them back and my ego wanting them back? That's the question. That is the question. And here's how we're going to differentiate. So your ego wants them back. When you imagine them realizing they made a mistake, you fantasize about them seeing you thriving and regret it. You want them to feel what you felt. You want to be chosen after being rejected. The fantasy is about you winning, not about the actual relations. Do notice how. It's about how you would feel, not about the connection. That's how you know it's out of ego. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That just makes you a human. I know you might not want to hear that, but that's just the reality. You're not up and you're not the. You're just a human now you actually want them back for them when you can name specific things about the relationship, not the person that you miss. So it's not just, oh, well, you know, they were really cool. It was like, no, I felt really seen, heard and understood. I felt really safe when I was with them. I missed the times when we would sit on the couch and laugh for hours, but then we have to look and go. But was that consistent or was that just when they were showing up or when they were in a good mood? Okay, well, that's the difference. So you've thought about what would need to change for it to work. Okay, so then maybe you genuinely do want the relationship back. You're willing to have the hard conversations about what broke you up. You want them not just anyone and not just to be alone. It's not just about. But then I won't meet anybody else or I'm going to be single forever. Well, then it's not about them. You can see the real version of them, flaws included, and you still want it. And here's the brutal fucking truth. Most of the time it's your ego because you don't miss them. You miss feeling wanted by them. You don't want the relationship. You don't want to feel rejected. And that's why waiting feel so seductive. Because waiting lets you believe it's about love when it's really about validation. Waiting allows you to stay in this. I will be chosen. I will be picked. And that's just reaffirming your core beliefs of See, if I just act in a certain way, they will come back for me. They're going to realize what they missed. They're going to realize what they lost. And the fantasy you're actually waiting for. You're not waiting for them. You're waiting for a specific scenario. So write it down. Write that exact scene. What do they say? How do they show up? What happens? I. I used to do that. I'd be like, okay, I would, like, create these narratives and stories. Like, I would literally be walking down the street, street. And I would create this. I would envision, like, they're going to see me at the gym and he's going to come up and talk to me, and we're going to realize that we were right for each other and we're. And it's like none of that ever happened. But maybe the example is they text me and say they made the biggest mistake of their life. They tell me they've been miserable without me. They say they've done the work and they change. They beg for another chance. I make them wait a little bit to prove themselves, and then when we get back together, it's perfect. Does that sound familiar? Now I want you to ask yourself, even if that exact scenario happened, what would actually need to change for it to work? Work, because here's what you need to hear, and I'll say it bluntly. Even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn't heal what you think it would. It wouldn't. Because you think you're waiting for them to come back. But what you're really waiting for is you're waiting for validation that you were worthy of being chosen. Proof that you weren't the problem. An apology that makes the pain make sense and go away. Evidence that the relationship meant something. Permission to feel. Stop feeling bad about yourself. And the reality is, even if they come back and said everything perfectly, it wouldn't heal that.

Podcast Guest or Listener (15:45)

That.

Sabrina Zohar (15:45)

Because again, it's not about them. It's about what they're leaving confirmed. About the belief that you already had about yourself. I'm not good enough. I'm replaceable. I'm not worth fighting for. Love always leaves. So you're waiting for them to come back and disprove those beliefs, but they can't. Only you can do that. You don't miss them. You miss the feeling of being wanted by them. You don't want the relationship. You want to not feel rejected. And if the fantasy involves them realizing they made a mistake, that's your ego. If the fantasy involves them seeing you thriving, that's your ego. If the fantasy is about you winning, that's your ego. Waiting isn't about love love. It's about validation. And now you can create your own closure without them. So new research, something called the redemption narrative trap. So research on narrative psychology shows people create redemption scripts where pain is redeemed by reconciliation, but that keeps you trapped in a story that requires their participation to have a happy ending. Your healing is hostage to someone else's choice. And that's why I'm saying closure is a myth. They don't tell you it's time to move on. You make that choice. And there's something called the self concept maintenance theory. When someone leaves, it threatens your sense of self. So waiting for them to return is an attempt to restore yourself concept rather than build it independently. You're not waiting for them. You're waiting for the version of yourself that felt whole when they wanted you. But closure isn't something someone gives you. It's something you give yourself by accepting reality and choosing to move forward. Anyways, you're waiting for permission. You already fucking have. And I really genuinely used to believe no, if I hear them say it, it will make it all go away. Hence my texting. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys, the holidays are times of tradition. Some have people and do it with their families, and some just have none and are just beginning their own. And now it's time to reflect on what they mean to you or to rewrite those traditions to make them your own. I know for me, every single year on Christmas, I used to watch Eternal Sunshine with Clem and just be by myself. And then when I met Ryan, I was with his family on Christmas. And now, now the holidays, I get to pick them back for myself and we get to do both. We can be with his family and then I can also be with myself and have my tradition that me and Clemi used to have. Even though Clem's gone, that doesn't mean that the traditions need to end. And I have worked through this with my therapist, thanks to Better Help because it's so important for us to really get clear so that we can learn how to communicate and what our boundaries are. And that's why I'm so grateful for all of the therapists on Better Help and y', all, this December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better h lp.com Sabrina this episode is sponsored by Nutrafol. We all know I don't go a day without my Nutrafol. I was having hair thinning, I was shedding, I was having hair issues and it was palpable all over my house. And I love Nutrafol because they actually target root causes. So it's not just a band aid. They're genuinely figuring out what you need. And it's clinically tested formula. You just take four pills a day with a meal. That is it. And Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half, half million people. You can see thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months. This holiday season, Neutrful truly is the perfect gift for anyone on your list. Your mom or aunt going through menopause, a friend who just had a baby and is experiencing postpartum hair shedding, your husband or father who relies on his baseball cap to cover it up, or yourself. For anyone looking to support their overall health. So now you can give the gift of confidence this holiday season with Nutrafol. Whether you're treating yourself or someone on your list visibly healthier, thicker hair is the gift that keeps on giving. Right now, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription, plus free shipping. When you go to Nutrafol.com and use the promo code Sabrina again, that's Nutrafol.com and the promo code Sabrina for $10 off. I don't know if you saw a few weeks ago episode168 all about my texting and the anxiety that I had and why I would spiral and all of those things. None of that. Any of the interactions I had with those people had nothing with them. It had nothing to do with them or the situation had to do with me wanting to be chosen, me wanting to not be abandoned, me trying to live out the things I couldn't live out with my father, with other people. And now you get to give yourself permission to say, I want to move on. I don't want to keep doing this. I even found like, I found a new therapist and I'm so excited for my session with her. And the reason I did that was because I said, I'm done with this, I'm done feeling this way. What's in my control and in my power? What do I actually get to do for my life? And not just, well, guess that's it. No, I want to move on. I want to let go of things. Let's imagine if I came to him was like, I'M waiting for the. The guy that told me to change the name, that he's going to tell me. I don't have to.

Sabrina Zohar (20:29)

Imagine if I said that, you would look at me and be like, zohar, are you okay? Like, are you good, girl? Like, have you. Have you faced reality yet? And you would not be wrong about that. That's how it sounds when a lot of you guys are like, they're gonna come back. They always come back. And it's like, yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything's changed.

Podcast Guest or Listener (20:46)

Changed.

Sabrina Zohar (20:46)

What if you're stuck between being terrified they won't come back and terrified they will? That was a question you guys asked. So this is ambivalence that keeps you frozen, and it's actually telling you something important. You're terrified they won't come back because that makes the rejection real and final. You have to accept you weren't chosen. You're terrified they will come back because deep down you know nothing has changed and you'll be right back in that same dynamic that broke you the first time. You know it didn't work. You know it probably wouldn't work again. But accepting that means accepting loss. And waiting lets you avoid that acceptance. But here's what ambivalence is really saying. Saying, I don't actually want them back. I want to not hurt anymore. And waiting gives you something to do with that hurt. It organizes it. It gives you direction and purpose. I'm waiting is easier than I'm grieving. But what you're actually doing is you're avoiding. You've noticed how I've always said that anxious folks are also avoidant. Anxious folks are also avoidant because we're avoiding doing the deeper work that we need to do on ourselves in order for us to either move on, have this, do that, X, Y, or Z. So what you're actually avoiding is the grief of accepting it's really over. Waiting keeps one foot in denial, maybe protects you from never, because then you have to actually face. You are avoiding building a life without them in order so that you can keep a seat at the table, empty. That way there's always the maybe, because everything is on pause while you wait, because your life is a waiting room, apparently. And now who knew that you're just the fucking the doctor's office for everybody to come into. You're also avoiding to take responsibility for your next chapter. It's easier to wait for them than to actively rebuild, because waiting is passive and healing requires action. So if I just sit and wait Like a child as a kid. I had to wait. I didn't have a choice. What was else was I going to do? Go find my father? But now I can be an adult and I get to have action and oriented. I get to actually do things that'll bring me closer towards my goals. You're also avoiding the vulnerability of trying again with someone new. What if I get hurt again? Well, waiting protects you from that. Risks. You also get to avoid confronting that what the relationship revealed about your fucking patterns. If you don't move forward, you don't have to change. You can stay exactly as you are and blame it on waiting. And then you guys have heard me talk about sun cost fallacy in relationships. You've already invested time, energy, emotion, all this. So letting go feels like you're admitting it was all wrong. So you wait. You think maybe if you wait longer, maybe if you invest more, it'll somehow change the outcome. But you're just throwing good time after bad. Three years of loving someone who couldn't love you back doesn't mean you should add a fourth year of waiting. It means you deserve to stop spending time on something that isn't growing. Stop calling it loyalty and stop calling it hope. You're not waiting because you love them. You're waiting because if you stop, you have to admit it's really over. And admitting it's over means you have to grieve. And grieving means you have to feel the full weight of the fact that they chose to leave. So you stay in the maybe you stay in the what if because waiting gives you something to do with the pain that doesn't require you to actually face it.

Podcast Guest or Listener (23:14)

It.

Sabrina Zohar (23:14)

Now let's talk about the science behind that goal disengagement. People who can't let go of unattainable goals show higher rates of cortisol and health problems. What is that? Are you talking to me? I didn't even realize.

Sabrina Zohar (23:27)

So your body is keeping score of this waiting. So the chronic stress of living in maybe the constant low level anxiety of what if it's literally making you sick. Now go back and listen to the episode with Sarah Z. The Physiology of Anxiety. I hope that you guys listen to all the episodes. Episodes. I hope that you listen to them not just because I'm asking you to, but because they. There's a method to the madness. There's a reason I create episodes and it bums me out sometimes. And I'll be like, wow, 15000 people decided that they didn't like that episode last week. Because then we listen and we're like, everybody loves it. Everybody is raving about that, but yet a lot of people, no, I don't need that. But I think you're missing on the healing, on the growing, on that. That's why Sarah and I talk about cortisol and what anxiety manifests in your body and how it can manifest in you being. Being sick. Your nervous system can't relax when you're perpetually braced for them to either return or not return. You're living in a state of suspended anticipation and you have to talk. Like, listen, we had a couple weeks ago. Is it, am I ruminating or am I spiraling? Well, let's talk about rumination versus reflection. Waiting often involves that obsessive thinking about what if scenarios. So you're not processing. You're mentally rehearsing a future that doesn't exist. And every time you run in that scenario in your head, you're strengthening the neural pathways that keep you stuck, stuck. And that's a reality. It's not helping you. That's why overthinking isn't you being thorough. Overthinking is usually a sign that you don't trust yourself. And that's why you're going over and over and over because you don't trust your gut, that no matter what, you'll be okay, that you'll figure it out. So one of you guys had asked tips to let go and stop hoping and overthinking the past. Well, here's what won't work. Telling yourself to just let go. That's like telling someone just fall asleep every time they're trying to go to bed. It's going to make it worse. So here we're going to give you a couple of tools now again, if you guys want more, come join a course and we will have so much more for you guys. And that's a boundary I've had to do set. And I'm just going to be fully transparent with you. Like I am running a business and I've had to start to come of like, not everything can be a podcast. Not everything can be. I listen to this and I had a Kumbaya. Like some things we do need to actively work on now if you're in therapy, yes, please keep going. Don't stop seeing your therapist do all the things. But if you need more, we do have those resources. Everything is at the link in bio and if not, I'll give you a few on the episodes. But it's just about me being realistic with you guys. That I can't give everything in 35 or 40 minutes and then have people complain about the email ads. I. I just. It's. It's really hard for me. And I. Again, I. Instead of me telling myself to just get over it, I'm naming it. I'm frustrated. That's really hard for me. And I'm here to give you guys what you actually need. And you just let me know if you need more. But it's just not all going to be on the podcast. So name it to tame it, stop calling it hope and name it accurately. I'm afraid to accept that this is over. I'm holding on to grief. I'm waiting because it feels safer than moving on. Awesome. Thank you for being honest about yourself. The second thing, get specific about the fantasy. I want you to write down exactly what you're hoping for. Right. Like I said, they're gonna come back for me. They're gonna realize that they fucked up all of those things. Then read it out loud, hear how it sounds to you when you say it to yourself. And then three, ask, what would I do differently if I knew for certain they're never coming back? What would I do differently? I want you to start doing those things. I don't want you to wait for certainty to live your fucking life. This episode is sponsored by curlsmith. Do you guys know I used to straighten my hair every single week because I just. I didn't know how to do my hair. I wanted to avoid dealing with my curls. And I just. I thought it was easier than fighting the frizz. I literally used to sit with a flat iron, like a literal one, until I found curlsmith. And it honestly changed everything because it was the first time a brand really understood not just my curls, but my whole curl journey, because we're not one size fits all. And they even spoke to their community and 95% of Curly said they're happier with their curls after using curlsmith. And me and tech guy are two of those people because we're obsessed. We've given it to his family. Everyone in Ryan's family has really curly hair. And we are obsessed with curlsmith because it really just. It helps to make you feel your best and look your best. And so if you're ready to embrace your natural curls, baby, it's time to join the curlsmith community. At curlsmith, we're celebrating curls and baby, we know it's a curls world. Find your curl confidence and take the curl quiz@curlsmith.com to get 10% off your first, purchase or shop Curlsmith now at Ulta Be Beauty Next. I want you to notice what waiting is costing you. Is it costing you real opportunities? Present moments, your energy, your peace? Write it down. Make the cost visible. I haven't eaten in three weeks. I've lost the drive to go out with my friends. I don't even want it. Whatever it is, it's okay. And now maybe we can build a future self that doesn't include them. And that's the hardest one. I want you to literally visualize your life in a year. Where do you live? What do you do, who are you with, what makes you happy? And none of it includes them. I want you to do that daily. We have to train your brain that there's a future where you're okay without them. Because understanding why you're waiting, the psychological function it serves, what you're avoiding, what beliefs it protects. That's deep work. It requires looking at your attachment patterns. It requires your relationship. And to look at your relationship with uncertainty, your loss of fear and what you're actually afraid of. We can then scratch the surface here. But excavating that fully, that's what changes everything. That's where our deeper work starts to come.

Podcast Guest or Listener (28:23)

Come in.

Sabrina Zohar (28:24)

We talked about, you know, do they always come back? Not always. Right? They don't always come back. And I don't give a if they do or not. Right? That's why we were saying maybe the question is, instead of why do they, you know, do they always come back? What about this is. Is keeping me waiting? What about. What is this saying about me? So now let's talk about what if they do come back, right? Like someone had asked, how do I know if they're coming back? Is not another round of BS or if it's real? Okay, so maybe they do come back. Maybe that text comes, maybe they show up. And here's what I need you to know. The fact that they come back absolutely means nothing. What matters is what is changed. That's all I care about. Because someone had asked earlier in my live, the person I was with and the person that ghosted me came back and I gave them a second chance. And they're more disrespectful than before. Why? And I was like, no, I'm not answering the why. I don't give a about the why. Why are you allowing it? Why are you accepting it? Somebody comes back, I'm sorry, changed. But words without change, behavior is manipulation. I don't need somebody to come back and give me lip service and ain't changed. So before you respond, respond, maybe you, like, take a minute. You don't respond immediately. It's not about, oh, well, you know, I'm, I want to play a game. No, no. It's about giving your nervous system time so that you can get curious and ask. Maybe take 24 hours and ask yourself, what specifically has changed? Not feelings, behavior, not I miss you. What actions have been taken, what work has been done. What's different about the circumstances that you broke up with? If nothing external has changed their life, their situation, their emotional availability, their capacity for the relationship, then nothing about your relationship is going to change either. My mama has always said when I'd be like, we're getting back together. And she would say, you can't get back together. What you had didn't work. You're starting anew. And so we need to vet if you're starting new, does it work for you? Second thing, I want you to ask, what did I learn while they were gone? Did you grow or did you just wait? Am I different or am I exactly where I was when they left, just more desperate? I remember when the conventionally handsome guy and I were dating and after nine months and I told you guys about that I had reached out to him, him, and the way he responded, I instantly saw, I was like, oh my God, nothing's changed. And I never went out with him. And I met Ryan three months later because I made room for somebody that I actually deserve, that deserves me. And I stopped trying to make this person that on paper was everything I wanted. He didn't have a lick of. Of being the man I needed. And that's okay. It's. I'm not talking about anybody. It's not about putting people down, but it's also about saying I was waiting for something and then realizing, realized I had changed. I had become a different version. And then the third thing I want, you ask, do I want this person or do I want to not be rejected? Brutally honest answers. Is this about them or is this about getting to win after losing? And then I want you to ask, am I responding from scarcity or abundance? Are you thinking, oh my God, they came back, here's my chance. Or are you saying, interesting, let me see if this is actually something I want. They came back. Congratulations. Now you get to find out if anything actually changed or if you're just reentering the same relationship that already failed once. Like my mama said says, you don't get back together, you start a new. Cuz what you had didn't Work. So here's what I need you to know. I miss you means nothing. I mean, Jack, I made a mistake. Doesn't mean. What matters is what did they do while they were gone? Did they go to therapy? Did they work on the stuff that broke you up? Can they name specifically what they do differently? If all they have and all they're giving you is feelings and words and I miss you and I thin you're about to waste more time on someone who still isn't ready. Because baby, nothing changes if nothing changes changes. So let's start start to look at what change versus what they say. What they might say is like, I've been thinking about you. I made a mistake. I miss you. I've changed. I want to try again. Cool. Now look at their life. Did they go to therapy? Did they work on the that they said they needed to? Did the circumstance that caused the breakup actually change? Have they demonstrated sustained change over time? Or is this the same momentary feeling that they chase? Can they articulate specifically what went wrong and what they do differently if they can't answer the last one clearly and specifically, Typically they're not ready. They're just lonely, nostalgic, or they miss the version of you that made them feel good about themselves. So I want us to kind of look at a timeline here. And again, none of this is set in stone, but usually in the first one to two weeks we start to go in like they're not coming back. You're in crisis mode and so are they. Right. You're both kind of dealing with the ending of things. We just see everybody handles it differently. Everybody. But you know, most people in the first one to three months you might hear from them, you're not right. You're starting to heal in that threat. And that's like a threat to them. Them six plus months if they return. Now I want you to pay attention to what changed a year plus this might actually be something different, but we need to verify. Especially if it's like at the end of the year, the holidays, right, that like nostalgia spike right now, right? They come back around Thanksgiving, family pressure, loneliness, Christmas. It's nostalgia. Traditions, you shared, New Year's, fresh start, reflections. What if birthdays and anniversary. This isn't growth. This is calendar triggered emotion. So watch for your January 2nd when Feelings Wear year off. I've had that. I've had so many dudes come back right before the new year and then after it's, you know, I realize I'm actually not ready. And I'm like, you because to me, the only response that matters is if they come back and you're actually considering it. Here's what you say. Hey, I appreciate you reaching out. And I need to be honest. I'm not the same person I was when we ended it. I've done a lot of work on myself, and I'm clear about what I need in a relationship. Before we talk about trying again, I need to understand what specifically has changed for you. What work have you done done? And what would be different? Because here's the reality, baby. If they can't answer that clearly and specifically, you have your answer. If they get defensive or make you feel crazy for asking, like, you know, or you say, like, I don't want to put pressure on it, run, baby. The only acceptable response is, you're right. You're right to ask that. And here's what I've learned, and here's what I'd like to do different with specifics. That's why I'm saying when I had reconnected with that guy, even my ex. Oh, my God, the biggie, the one I talked to you guys about when we reconnected, it was still how everything was everybody else's fault. And he. No work had been done, done. And that was where I had needed to stop and be like, hey, this is probably not healthy for you. And here's what you might even realize. Even if they come back exactly as you hoped, you are different now. I hope you spent weeks or months or years waiting that changed you. And maybe not in a good way. You've been holding onto a pattern. You haven't been building your life. You've been organizing everything around this. Maybe. So even if they return, you're not who you were and the relationship can't be what it was. You have to build from strength, scratch, which means starting fresh with someone who's already left you once with all the scar tissue and mistrust that comes with that. Is that really what you want? Or do you just not want to feel rejected anymore? Start to get curious? Because, you know, if you're the same person that you were when they left, so then have you grown? Have you evolved? Have you changed? You have. You're here with me right now, so I know you have. So then what makes you want them back? Or what makes you think it'll be anything different? So before we end, I want to get really clear on something. Something. What are you going to carry into 2026? Are you carrying the hope that they'll come back? Are you carrying the Waiting? Are you organizing your healing around someone else's potential choices? Are you choosing yourself? Because here's what I know. If you don't want to stop waiting, you're going to waste 2026 the way you wasted the end of 2025 or most of it. You're going to look up next December and realize you spent another year in the waiting room of your own life. And now that you know that waiting is about you, not them, here's what we're going to tackle next week in episode three. So, as we're moving into the new year, you're probably wondering, well, do I need to be fully healed before I should date again? Should 2026 be my year of self work? Well, that's episode three. Do you need to be fully healed to date again? Let's talk about that, because I'm about to tell you why that might be another way you're hiding and what's going on to not waste your fing time. So instead of asking, are they going to come back for me? Do they? Will they come back? Do they always come back? How can I get them back? How can I? I want you to ask, what am I avoiding by waiting? And I want you to journal those answers and I want you to fucking be honest. Because that's where the real work is. When you're real with yourself, when you're honest with yourself. I can't tell you how many clients I have when I challenge them. And I see, the fuck you're right, or, God, I see what you're doing here. And I love those moments. Because I'm not trying to be a dick or an asshole. I'm trying to help you guys. And what that means is we gotta look at the narrative, the stories and the fucking verbiage that we use for ourselves. I know I can be jarring and I know I can piss people off, and that's totally okay. But I also know what I'm doing is helping, and that's my only goal. So what do you want to let go of? What do you want to bring back? What do you want to bring into the next year? I'm telling you right now, what am I letting go of? That the podcast is never going to be the same. Same. It's not. It will never be what I had. It will never be the same. But that just means I need to. That I get to not need to. I get to grow something new. We get to grow something new. So what are we going to do? Drop it in the comments? I want to See, I love when you guys comment. I love it. I respond to as many of them as I possibly can because I care about you guys. I want to know what are you letting go of? What are you going to leave behind so that we can move forward and build the life you deserve because you deserve only that. Babies. You know I'm here if you need anything. You want to work one on one, ask a question, whatever it is, everything's linking bio. Don't forget we have our bonus episode every single month. I know some of you guys don't even realize in the trenches where I answer questions, I go over profile audits. It's just our time to kiki and be together and be more girl boy. You know, girlfriend boyfriend type thing where we get to hang and then we have our Friday episodes. But I'm open if you guys want want any specific episodes, drop them in the comments, let me know and if it exists, I'll let you know where to find it. But we're in this together babes. And I I really hope that you know that you are not alone. And we are gonna shed the in 2025. But baby, like a phoenix rising, we're gonna rebuild in 2026. I love you guys. Thank you for everything. Don't forget, rate and review the show, follow along, subscribe, all that fun stuff and I will see you again next week.

Podcast Guest or Listener (37:37)

Foreign.

Ryan Seacrest (37:43)

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Talkspace Advertiser (38:44)

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Podcast Guest or Listener (38:47)

Last year I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

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Podcast Guest or Listener (39:12)

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