← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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The million dollar question. Do you need to be fully healed in order to be in a relationship? You can do all the healing in the world. You can journal, you can go to therapy, you can read every fucking attachment. You can become the most self aware person in your friend group and on the planet. And then you'll get into a relationship and you are going to be triggered in ways you never imagined possible. Because there is only so much healing we can do when we're single versus when we're in relationships. When we have other people that are triggering those different parts of us. That is when we have to say, what work have I done and how do I want to show up? And that, my friends, is what we're going to be talking about today. Because this isn't about do you need to be perfect and fully healed and all of that shit? No. Because when you get triggered, it suddenly feels like, oh, all the work has gone out the window. But it doesn't mean nothing. It means that you have the awareness now to catch yourself. And that's the difference. It's not about being perfectly healed. It's about how you handle your shit when it fucking comes up. Because it will. Because you're a human. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show, episode three and four of the Clarity series on dating with intention. My babes, I'm so excited. Don't forget to comment, rate and review. Share it with a friend. Whatever you guys need. And you know what? Let's get right the fuck on into it. But before we do, I wanna thank you. I wanna thank you for being here. I wanna thank you for believing in me. Because that is the only reason I'm here. Every single week I show up because of you guys. And the only reason I'm here is because of this community that we've built. And I couldn't be more grateful. And what we're gonna do is we're gonna add a tool of the week at the end of every episode now so that you can start implementing immediately around something that you need that will stick. All right, babies, we're gonna talk about something important. Because I genuinely believed if I was fucked up or there was something wrong with me and if I was just super secure, that then I. And the reality is I'm still healing and I'm still going through it. So now let's get on into it, friends. I'm super stoked. We're getting right on into it, my babies. I'm trying. Trying different things, and hopefully by the time this is up, we're on Spotify video. And I honestly just wanted to, like, literally take a second to just be here with you guys. We're almost at the end of the year. Whenever the fuck you listen to this, and we're at a place. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I am making a commitment to you and to myself. I'm shedding the bullshit. I'm tired of waking up every morning being sad. I'm tired of being scared that I'm gon. I'm tired of feeling so disconnected. And I took a couple of weeks off, and, baby, I'm back. I'm here, and I am jazzed and ready. I couldn't wait to get in today. I was live earlier on TikTok, just talking about how excited I was because this means the world to me, and I am ready to kick my bullshit, and I'm ready to show up differently for you guys and do what we come here to do, which is heal together. So let's talk about it. Last week, we talked about why you're waiting for them to come back, how that waiting really is avoiding the grief. The week before that, we talked about. Are you ruminating? Are processing what's going on? And I said it at the end. Maybe you think you're okay, fine, I'll stop waiting for them. But should I just focus on myself, right? Should I take 20, 26 off from dating entirely until I'm healed? And that's what we're going to get into. Because I think that question, am I healed enough to date? Is truly, honestly what's keeping us stuck. And the Internet gives you two options, right? You don't really have a lot. It's either you need to be fully healed, completely whole. You need to be totally secure before you even look at another person. You can't eat, drink, or sleep until you do it. Or you got, like, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Both are wrong. Well, both are kind of right. But it really kind of depends on who we're looking at. But I know that that was my Achilles heel. I genuinely used to believe if I wasn't fully healed, I didn't deserve love. I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me because on the outside, everybody seemed to have all their shit together, but I was the fuck up. And really, all I was doing was projecting my insecurities onto other people. There is no such thing as being fully healed. There is no such thing as getting rid of your attachment style or your anxiety. You learn to live with it. You take the black, the white, and you create shades of gray. Because what you're doing, you're exposing, expanding your window of tolerance, and you're letting your nervous system know, in the past, you're right, I couldn't handle that. But now I know better, so I will do better. That is why we do this work, and that is why we show up every day. Because at the end of the day, it's not just time, and it's not just being alone. It's what you're doing with it. How are you utilizing that time? I know a lot of people. I mean, I was single for three days before I met tech guy. Because in that three days, I was literally sitting there being like, no, girl, we are not going to create this fantasy about this guy. We are not going to project onto him all the. He wasn't. We're gonna be honest. We're gonna be truthful. We're gonna be transparent. And I'm going to allow myself to say, that didn't work for me. That's not what I want. Because you have every right to hold that space. You have every right to say, I don't like this. That doesn't work for me. That's healing. That is how we start to change the way we date. Because I. I thought that. I genuinely used to believe if I wasn't perfect and if I wasn't healed, that no one was ever going to like me. And all I was doing was avoiding the deeper work that was necessary. Because the healing alone, the minute you meet someone else, you're going to be triggered. That doesn't mean all the work that you did goes to not. What that means is you're a fucking human. And now you get to make choices. How do I want to show up? Do I want to react? Or do I finally want to take a pause and respond. That way I can see my life change. That's the difference. You do hold power. And today we're going to fucking get into it. So what does it mean to be fully healed? Like, what does that even mean? Where's the finish line? Who decides you're done? Is there a certificate? Right? Like, do you get does all of a sudden, do you just like, pass, go and collect $200? And that's also why I kind of hate that thought process and way of thinking is it puts it as if there's this end game of, like, when I get to the end of this, that's it. I'm holier than thou. And honestly, I feel icky when I make videos of like, how I healed through my anxious attachment. And I'm like, bitch, you didn't. You healed through the trauma that created the anxious attachment. But that doesn't mean it went away. That doesn't mean. It's just. That's it. Poof. I'm perfect and I'm holier than thou, and I never get anxious. And I. No, I'm a human. I have moments where I'm crying on the couch. I have moments where I genuinely think that this is the end. I have moments where I'm scared because I don't know what's next. But that doesn't mean that I'm any worth, any less deserving of love because I'm a human and I go through human experiences. But oftentimes when we look at this like, you have to be perfectly healed. Those are really sneaky forms of avoidance that look like healing, right? I'm working on myself. Oftentimes is to hide from vulnerability or waiting for a version of yourself who feel scared anymore. That person doesn't exist. And I'll never forget after my big breakup, I told myself, like, you're gonna take a year off. You're not gonna do. I lasted like two months of not dating. And then I met somebody and I was like, nope. See, I'll never forget. I told him, I said, yeah, I'm over my ex. And da, da, da. And then I remember, like by the end of the date, he said, are you sure you're over ex? I said, why? And he said, you talked about him about over 30 times and I didn't even notice. I had no idea. Now that you're right, I probably was not in a position to be dating. I wasn't in a ment weight I really hadn't processed and moved on from it. I genuinely believed, like, if I give myself this time. And some of that was good, right? Some of it was genuinely me saying, I need to be okay with being alone. I need to be okay with being with my own thoughts. I need to learn how to communicate. I need to learn what boundaries are. I need to learn to say no, right? Like, yeah, no. There was a lot that, like, was actually very beneficial of me being alone. So please know this isn't like an all or nothing. This isn't a never be alone and never try to be single or you always have to be in a relationship. It's like, no, no. Can we find a bal. Can we start to look and get curious within ourselves and say, what do I need right now? Right. Maybe if we are super codependent with somebody and we couldn't even get through our afternoon without having to text them and talk to them, then maybe what we need to learn right now is how do I self soothe? How do I learn to take a pause and to give myself a beat? Because you could do all of the healing work and then you get triggered and then all of a sudden you're like, well, when I hear this, you know, I'm on my healing journey. Like, somebody had commented today saying, the girl says that she loves me with her head and her mind, but her body and her heart haven't caught up. And I was like, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I don't want to fucking hear the excuses anymore. Then you're not ready to date to the person, to the girl. Then you're not ready to date. If that's your thought process and that's okay, own it. Say, hey, I'm not in a position. I actually am not in a place I don't want to let someone in. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to have anybody to commit to. I want to be selfish. That's okay. But I'm so tired of like, my head wants you, but my heart hasn't caught up. It's like, spare me, all right? And I say that with love. I just, I don't. To me, that's a non negotiable. Two non negotiables I had when I were dating that changed my life. One of them, you need to be done with your ex. I'm not your therapist. I'm not here to hold space for helping you to move on. I'm not your rebound. I'm not your person that's going to challenge your thoughts. You need to come to me ready to Open up to somebody else. And the second thing, you got to be growth minded. If you are all or nothing super rigid, I will never have the patience for that. Because I want somebody that wants to grow, that wants to evolve, that wants to become the best version of themselves. This isn't about being perfect, this is about knowing that I got to do the work for myself and with my partner in order to have relationship I deserve. Relationships aren't just given to you, they're worked on, they are crafted. And a relationship, especially a healthy and secure one, is earned by both of you showing up and doing the work. This episode is sponsored by Rho Nutrition. Okay babes, I need to put you on to something that has genuinely changed my wellness routine and that is Rho nutrition. I've been using Rho's liposomal NAD plus glutathione and creatine for a while and they've made a huge difference. Their glutathione has become my go to for support and overall detox, especially my immune support. When I'm traveling, traveling stressed, run down or just feeling off, it helps me feel more balanced and clear. My skin responds to it, my energy responds to it. And it's one of those things you only notice when it's missing. And Rho's creatine. Ladies, hear me and hear me well. Every single one of us should be taking creatine. It supports strength, muscle recovery and cognitive function. I take Rhos because it's liposomal, so it absorbs really well. And I've noticed a huge difference in my workouts. What I love most is that Rho nutrition keeps everything clean, simple and intentional. There's no giant pills, there's no powders everywhere, just well made third party tested liquid formulas. If you want to try out Rho nutrition, you can get 20% off site wide with my code sabrina@rhonutrition.com Again, that's R H O-nutrition.com use code sabrina for 20% off everything. So there was a study, Brumbaugh and Fraley from 2015. It looked at people who started new relationships quickly after breakups versus people who waited. People who dated sooner reported more confidence, more resolution about their ex, and better psychological health. And so everyone cites this as proof that rebounding is fine. But here is the catch. And you know there's always a fucking catch. The study can't tell the difference between somebody who genuinely processed versus someone who can't just be alone. So both might report that they feel better, but one is actually growing and sometimes you can't even tell which one that you are on. And that's the reality is like there is no magic timeline. Waiting six months doesn't automatically heal you. Time isn't irrelevant, right? But three weeks and you can't be alone without panic. That's data. A year and you're still crying at their name. That's also data. There's this common fallacy that time heals all wounds. It's not time that heals the wounds. It's what you do at the time. If you're sitting there crying and spiraling and saying, oh my God, woe is me and I'm never going to meet somebody, you could do that for 10 years and spiral. Or in a month you can focus on, what is this teaching me about myself and how do I actually move on? The difference isn't the time is what you do with that time. Time. And guys, this is exactly why I created the Healthy Dating foundation course. Because I was so tired of doing all the work on myself and then feeling like I'm starting from zero the second I like somebody or dated somebody. The course is designed to help you build the actual skills, not just the awareness, but the tools to handle your patterns when they show up in real time. It's the bridge between knowing your stuff and actually doing something different. The link is in the show notes or@sabrinazoar.com and enrollment is open now. And baby, I'd love to see you inside. All right, let's talk healing. Single versus healing in a relationship. And I get it, right? I think that we need to be able to hold two conflicting truths. I think that we need to be able to hold space, that you're going to have to do some healing on your own, right? You're going to need that time alone, especially depending on the issues. And then there's the other side of the coin, that there are going to be moments where you're going to need someone else in your life to trigger you. Somebody that's romantic, somebody that makes you feel like a kid again so that you can go, oh, okay, so this is where I'm still coming from. From. Here's what no one tells you about healing. Some healing can only happen in a relationship. You can understand your anxious attachment intellectually, and you can still spiral when they don't text you back. You don't actually know if you've changed until you're in it. Because again, when you're single and you're alone, you're not being triggered. You don't have anybody that's pissing you off. You don't have somebody that's testing your goddamn patience. And then when you start dating, all of a sudden, you might feel like a kid again. It's not about shaming and blaming yourself when you go back to those moments. It's about stopping and saying, what are my tools? And what is the growth that I've done? Because I'm gonna make me a year ago proud because I' to handle the same anymore. I'm not going to do the same stuff I used to do. I'm going to do better because I know better. So there was a study done by Kansky and Allen in 2018, and they followed people ages 20 to 25. So this is what they found. People who could clearly identify why their past relationship ended had better future relationships. They had less conflict and more satisfactions. And friends rated them as more competent in relationships. Now here's the catch. Knowing your patterns and interrupting your patterns are two separate skills. Awareness is necessary but not sufficient. It's not the end. All, be all. I've been studying this for years. I still catch myself doing the things I tell other people not to. I still can spiral and go into, there's something wrong with me and people don't like me. But the difference is I stop and go, okay, what am I going to do about it? What are the tools? How am I going to implement it, and how am I going to stop this? Because it's about pattern interruption. If you genuinely want to change your life, you got to start to look and say, what am I doing with my life? How am I showing up? Am I waiting for other people to tell me it's going to be okay? Or am I taking control of my life? Ain't nobody going to show up for you like you will, baby. Your trigger or your teachers. To me, I love triggers. Not actually, I don't love going through them, but I love stopping and saying, what am I learning about myself? Because relationships will reveal what's unhealed. They don't create the wound necessarily. They might, but they might show you where it's already is. And that's not a reason to avoid. It's a reason to approach with awareness. That's why I hate stay single. It's easier. No, staying single allows you to avoid doing the deeper work. Stay single. If you're choosing that because you're saying, I have work to do on myself, I'm not ready to be a partner. Yeah, you're making a choice. But stay single because it's easier. You're just avoiding because staying single allows you to not be triggered. Then when you're not triggered, you don't actually grow as a person in other ways. I'm not saying that you have to be in a relationship to grow, but to a certain extent you do. So if you're using the excuse stay single, it's easier. Easier than what? Easier than avoiding the work you need to do. I'd challenge that, baby, because I don't actually know if that's easier. The goal isn't to never get triggered. It's shorter recovery time, it's catching yourself faster. It's choosing differently in the moment. Ah, baby. When I met Ryan, I'll never forget. I genuinely believed, like, no, I've done all of this work and I am so healed and I'm so evolved and he's gonna need me and I'm gonna help him go through the. And I'll never forget. Then we started dating and all of a sudden my ass got triggered when like I think it was cause he didn't fucking call me or he didn't text me or something and I stopped and I was like, oh really girl? Oh really? And that's the difference. Me and Ryan aren't together now because I'm some holier than thou creature and I just ch. No, no, we're together. Cause I made different choices. I made different choices when we were dating when I get triggered. Instead of popping off on him and screaming at him and yelling at him and going into the space that I used to protest behavior, I had to stop and go, whoa, bitch, regulate your nervous system and come back to the present moment. What's happening? Is this really about Ryan? This episode is sponsored by Better Help Guys. The holidays are a time of tradition. Some people have them in their family and some are just beginning our own. I know for me, every single year I'd watch Eternal Sunshine with Clem on Christmas. That was how we'd celebrate it together. And this year I have a partner and we're changing things and we're creating new traditions and new memories for ourself. And I could not be grateful that both my partner and I use better help. BetterHelp has therapists that work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. my favorite is that BetterHelp does the initial matchmaking for you and so you can focus on your therapy goals. It's a short questionnaire. It helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading. Match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you're not happy with your match, can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better. H E L P.com Sabrina this episode is sponsored by Baked by Melissa. I know that finding the perfect gift can feel impossible. You want something thoughtful, fun, guaranteed to make people smile. Baked baby. That's why, whether it's for me or somebody else, I'm buying for Baked by Melissa is my go to. There are these bite sized cupcakes are always a crowd pleaser. I am not kidding. I used to go every single week when I worked in Soho. They had it right on Broome street and I would go up to the window and I felt just so seen that I could get all my little flavors and I'm just so obsessed. And the best part is Baked by Melissa ships fast and arrives in one to two days nationwide. And you can choose the arrival date so it's guaranteed your treats arrive perfectly fresh and on time. Plus, right now they have three unique holiday gift boxes that are perfect for your holiday gifting. Like hostess gifts sending to loved ones across the country or treating you or your team and clients. Guys, I'm obsessed. We got the holiday kit. Ooh, they're gone. We ate them in the first day. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not even gonna try to pretend because I'm obsessed with Baked by Melissa. Also, they offer gluten free, vegan and no nut options so they make it easy to treat everyone you love. Right now, Baked by Melissa is offering our listeners 20% off your order@bakedbymelissa.comsABR baked by melissa.comsABrina for 20% off your order. Again, baked by melissa.comSABrina if some of you guys know, you know, I'll reshare the story. When we first started dating and I asked him to do something and he said no. He's allowed to say no. I got triggered and I had to stop and I went, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a disproportionate reaction. Like you got really upset with him. And then when I stopped and I said, what does this remind you of? And it instantly was like, this reminds me of my dad. My dad could literally look at you and go, and that's it. End a conversation. That's it, K.O. you're done. And it was very triggering to that. And I stopped and I regulated and I looked at Him. I said, hey, babe, can I share something with you? He was like, yeah, what's up? Remember, ask for consent? And I said, you know, when you said that to me just a moment ago, it really triggered me. It reminded me of my dad. He was incredibly dismissive, and it made me feel like you didn't really care. And Ryan stopped and he's like, thank you so much for telling me. I had no idea. He's like, I could see that, though. He's like, I've heard your dad do that. He's like, you know what? You're right. And moving forward, I'm gonna give you more of a reason. I'm gonna talk to you more about this things. That is why we do this work. We don't do this work so that you just never get triggered and then you just never have any issues. If you see anybody on the Internet or in life that tells you that they have the perfect relationship, that they never fight, they're lying to you. And that's total. What they're saying is, I don't speak up. I don't want to ruffle feathers. I don't have it. Everyone has issues. Every healthy and secure couple has issues. You want to know why? What makes them healthy and secure is that they go through the rupture, they have the regulation, and then they repair together. They don't just pretend and dust things under the rug. And anybody that tells you that they never fight and they're just perfect, they're not only lying to you, but to themselves. All right, what does ready actually look like? Right? Ready isn't a feeling. It's a set of capacities. And that's something that we're really going to need to sit on. I want you to ask yourself, can I be alone without feeling like I'm dying? Do I know the difference between loneliness and genuine desire for connection? Can I hold two conflicting thoughts at once? I like them and I'm scared. I miss them, and I know they're not right for me. I can feel really strong about this person, and I know I don't know them well enough. Enough. Can I set with discomfort without trying to fix, flee or fawn? Can I take responsibility for my part, not just what they did wrong? These are all really important questions to ask yourself, because this is how we're going to get down to the nitty gritty of am I actually ready? Right? Am I ready to let somebody in? Am I ready to hold space? Am I ready to be emotionally available? You're also allowed to say no and I think a lot of people, they like the idea of a relationship. They like what a relationship will make them mean about them. They like the relationship that they see on Instagram and TikTok. But most people are not ready for a relationship. The reason most people aren't actually ready for a real relationship is because a lot of people think that it's just doing things together. We just hang out, we go to the movies, we talk. Why don't they text me? Why are they da da da da da. Being in a relationship is holding capacity. It's having bandwidth, it's holding space for your partner. It's taking accountability, it's taking ownership, it's knowing that somebody else is in this with you, it's holding that space for them. Being in a relationship isn't just about your needs being met, it's about both of your needs being met. And I think that's the disconnect is a lot of us are going from me, me, me and not understanding that me gets thrown out the window. And it's a we, I have to take care of myself, myself, you have to take care of yourself. And we have to cultivate this relationship together. And I think that's a really big missing part because we think we're ready and then we get triggered or we have somebody healthy and go, I don't want that, that's boring. Because we're not actually ready for a healthy and secure relationship. We just want to be activated and we want to go back into repetition compulsion. If I can get the person that reminds me of my dad to like me and to love me, then that'll make all that go away from childhood. See, look, I figured it out. Baby. That's just going to get you more therapy. Therapy, that's all it's going to get you. So there was a study done by Owens and Fower. So they studied perceived verse, actual post breakup growth. So people significantly overestimate how much they've changed. Perceived growth and actual growth often don't match. So you're. I'm so different now. A narrative might be the story that you're telling yourself more than the reality. And I'm not saying this to discourage you, but to test it. You find out if you've changed by doing, not by waiting and assuming, looming. You're not ready when you feel ready. You're ready when you're willing to catch yourself mid pattern and choose differently. That's why I consistently say, guys, this isn't about making it all go away. This is about saying what do I do in those moments because I can sit at home and be unbothered and unfazed and be like, oh right, cold brain, hot brain. We've talked about that on past episodes and if you're new, I'll share it. When you're in cold brain right now, like you're single and there's no one bothering you and there's, you might say, no, I'm fine and if anything happens I'll be able to handle it. And then you get into hot brain, you go out and you get triggered. That person doesn't call you and all of a sudden it's Helen, a hand basket. The difference here isn't about making all of that go away. It's about stopping and going, whoa, wait, what are my choices? Like I said earlier, make future you proud. I'm going to make different choices. That's the only thing that differentiates any of us is the choices that we make. You can sit there and baby you, you could choose all day that you want to be beholden to somebody else and you want to let them validate you and you want to put your into the external. Or, or you can make a choice. And here's the choice that you can make today. You can sit here and say woe is me, I'm never going to meet anybody. And you can continue that or you can decide I deserve better. I deserve someone that's going to show up for me. I deserve someone that's going to love me authentically. I deserve somebody that's going to choose me in the ways that I choose them. And I deserve somebody that is growth minded and ready to do the work with me. And I'm not going to settle for anything less. That is a choice you get to make for yourself. Or you can go continue situation chips. You can go continue self abandoning and then you can cry at the end of the night because baby, baby, right now that's the choice you get to make. You'll cry now or you'll cry later. What's the choice you're gonna make? It's a choice whether you like that or not. And I know it can sometimes be really shit, but this is the stuff we go deep on in the Healthy Dating foundation course. By the way, the actual practice of catching yourself. What to do when you're triggered, how to stay grounded when your nervous system is screaming at you to self abandon. If this is resonating baby, check it out. Link in bio or sabrina zohar.com I got the resources for you. You could work one on one, you can ask a question, you can join the courses, or you could just be here. Please know that all of these resources are available, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you that those are all available. This episode is sponsored by Fabletics. If you guys are like me, you wear activewear more than anything else, so you understand the struggle. Ugh. The good stuff costs way too much. But that's why I'm obsessed with Fabletics. Their quality is unparalleled. Like, Ryan and I ordered stuff. I think he got 25 items and I got like 15. I got my mom a sweater. We even got Ryan a suit. Like, when I say Fabletics has everything, they have everything you could possibly imagine at a price that you cannot beat. Because when I signed up as a new VIP, I got 80% off everything. Which is why I also got my family gifts for the holidays. Because who doesn't want a cozy sweater or a great pair of leggings? I love it. The fit is just incredible. There's no roll waistbands. The fabric, the quality, the styles. They got something for everyone, baby. So this is the best part. Fabletics already has amazing deals, but right now they're running their biggest sale of the year on top of that. And I have got an exclusive offer just for you. 80% of off everything. When you sign up as a VIP, head to Fabletics.com Sabrina and sign up as a VIP to get 80% off everything. This is only available through my link. So go to Fabletics.com Sabrina to sign up as a VIP and get 80% off. That's Fabletics.com Sabrina. So let's talk about trusting yourself. So at some point you do have to stop repairing and start trusting, right? You've done the work. You understand your wounds. Now what? Now what? Like, I hear this myth all the time of like, I'll date when I trust myself. But you build self trust by dating and keeping promises to yourself, not by waiting until you magically feel confident. That was the common misconception I really had. I thought, no, no, no. I need to be confident in order to do this. Even this. You guys think that I picked up a mic one day and all of a sudden it just organically happened? No. I was scared shitless. I was terrified. But I knew I have to try. I have to put myself out there. Otherwise nothing's going to change. And then, then, oh, wow, people like it. That built my confidence. And then people didn't. You know what that also did? That built My confidence. Because then I was able to show up for myself and I was able to say, okay, that really hurts. And you're allowed to. You're allowed to have a comment hurt you. You're allowed to have someone hurt you. You're allowed. You're a human. I give you permission. But that doesn't mean our feelings are facts. That just means that we're able to now process through in a different way. I know that we've made some promises now. What promises are those? If I'll leave, if I see a red flag and you actually do it, I'll speak up when something bothers me. And you hold the space. And you know why? Because you learned to grieve. You learn to grieve that. Yeah, if I speak up, that might piss people off. Okay, good. Let them be pissed off. And not like, let them and theory stuff. No, no, no, actually allow them to be pissed off. Because you can't change other people. You can't change how somebody else shows up. You can only control yourself. Another promise I want to abandon myself to keep. Keep them. I'll check in with myself. Not just obsess over them. That's the important part. What are the promises that you're keeping to yourself and then it's okay if you break them. How are you treating yourself? Are you attacking yourself? Being like, I'm so stupid, of course I did that. Well then you're just talking to yourself how other people did. And we have to start to build evidence. Every time you keep a promise, you build evidence that you can handle it. That's the evidence to your nervous system. That's how we expand the window of tolerance. And that evidence creates self trust. Cuz you can't create it by avoiding situations that test you. And that's the reality. You're not waiting to become someone who can handle hard things. You become that person by handling hard things. The real Flex isn't never getting triggered. It's getting triggered and not blowing up your life because of the trigger. You're not broken, you're human. And humans heal in connection, not in isolation. Find me a time where they did. And let's look at that. Let's be realistic, babes. And the reason I bring up all of this stuff isn't to make anybody feel any less than or more of. It's about saying, you know what, maybe I'll start dating. Not when I don't, not maybe when I feel ready necessarily. But like that's the thing people ask me all the time, like, how do I Know when I'm ready to date. How do I know if it's time? Maybe you won't know, but maybe you'll do. And then you'll go out there and go, oh, wow, I handled that a lot better. Holy. Or, wow, I didn't handle that well. You know what? That's what I need to talk to my therapist or my coach about. Because I'm realizing now that's the pattern is that I thought I had done all this work or I intellectualized it, and then the minute it happened, I didn't know what to do. And maybe that just means. Means I need different tools. I need different regulation techniques. I need to stop and pause. I need to get curious. I need to go for a walk. Whatever it is, there's no shame or blame. But that's why we create the toolkit. The toolkit isn't there because the toolkit is what makes it all go away. That gives you the opportunity to come back into the present moment and not burn the house down just because you got triggered. That's what makes the difference between people who have earned their secure and people that are insecure is that a lot of people think it's catastrophized the end of the world. Whereas when you've done the work and you come out of it, you're like, hey, I know that for now I might feel this. And that's why my mama has always said, for now. For now, it's going well. For now it's not for now I'm really feeling sad for now. Everything is for now because it's all we have. I don't know what the future is going to bring. And that's why I don't want you to focus so heavily on what's going to happen and where are we going and are they. We don't know that. But what I do know is that no matter what, you'll be okay. Why? Because you have you. And that's okay. Right now, if you don't trust that that's what we want to focus on, is how can we cultivate that trust? For me, it was. Was facing the I didn't want to face. It was being honest. You know what the hardest thing was for me when I was dating? Being able to say, I don't like that person, and that's okay. I'm allowed to take up that space. Because then I would go, oh, my God. But you don't. But what if you never meet anybody else? And what if you don't have somebody else? And this was the only version. And then I started to gaslight myself into thinking that this person had to be the one, because I was more scared of being alone than I was actually acknowledging that they weren't right for me. Because if I acknowledge they're not right for me, I have to do something about it. Then I have to access my. My place of choice. And that was terrifying for me. And so I want to remind you, there's no such thing as being fully healed. There's aware and willing to do differently. And so the question isn't am I ready? It's am I willing to catch myself and choose differently? Am I willing to be in the discomfort? Am I willing to challenge myself in different ways? That's the question. And if your answer is no, that's okay. Take up the space you're allowed. And like, I gotta be honest here, y'. All. If you start to date somebody and they tell you they're not ready, I need you to believe that them people are not going to up opportunities that early in dating by lying to you and saying that I'm not ready and hoping that you still stick around. I want you to look back at the people that you've dated and I want you to ask this one question. Am I embarrassed by any of them? Because if you're dating somebody now and you're saying I'm embarrassed or they're a liability, or I'd be ashamed of what people would think about me because I'm with them, then that right there tells me everything that we need to know. Choose people like you choose yourself. People that you want to be around, people that you're proud of being around, and people that are great, great and amazing to you. Like grandma Lucy always said, show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. And that's the same in dating. Who you're choosing is a reflection of how much you love yourself. So that bears the question, how much do you love yourself? So, guys, remember we had episode one, ruminating, verse processing. We had episode two, why you're really waiting for them and do they always come back? And then we had three. The myth of being healed enough. And the reason I did that is because we're stopping the mental loop. We're stopping the waiting. We're stop hiding behind healing. We're starting to trust yourself enough to trust try. So let's go into the Tula of the week, because next week we're ending the year together, which is insane to say. I can't believe we're ready at the end of the year or whenever you listen to this welcome. But we're going to go into next week which is I can do this going with the flow in situationships and about choosing better. And then we're going to start the year by starting it on. Okay, let's start doing the work together in a different way. So tool of the week. This is the pattern. Check in before your next date or hard conversation or anything. I want you to write down your top three patterns. So maybe an example is like I over explained what I mean anxious I people please when I get rejected, I go silent when I get hurt. After the interaction I want you to check in which showed up start to cultivate that awareness. Holy shit. I went into people pleasing fuck. I went right into my old patterns. What did I do? I had that with a friend. I had to look and I was like I went into overperforming how anything she asked I did. I was giving her the phone. I was doing this, I was doing this. I was doing this. I was over functioning. What could I do differently? I could sit back and be uncomfortable. I can say that doesn't work for me. I can wait to see how she shows shows up. And you know what? She didn't. And you know why that hurt. But what that did is it built the muscle of catching myself in real time. Not me thinking about it, by me tracking it and by having something. Because then when I wrote it down I was like you dumb. I can't believe I I didn't say that to myself but I say that to myself now. Holy. I can't believe that it allowed me to cultivate that self awareness of baby, that's what you're doing. Look how you showed up. Look how you fond with that person. You did what you did when dad shows up because you're scared of losing them. And now, now I'm more scared of losing myself. And that's a very harsh reality. You want to know if you're ready to date or not. You're more scared of losing yourself than you're scared of losing any of these people. Because none of them matter. You're little and your inner child doesn't give a about who any of these people are they care about. If you're going to leave them, are you going to abandon them and are you going to choose other people over yourself? How much do you love yourself? Start to show up like that when you're dating because then you'll stop saying are you choosing me? And you'll start saying, am I choosing choosing you? Because I've chosen myself. I'm not waiting for anybody else to. And guys, baby, don't forget, if you want to go deeper on this, the Healthy Dating foundation course is open. It's the work behind the work. And the link is in show notes or sabrinazoar.com and guys, next week is our final episode of the Clarity series. Oh my God. Go with the flow is not a dating strategy, baby. And we're talking about the intention, what you're leaving behind and how we're going to show up in 2026. And I'm so fucking excited. I can't wait to see you then. Don't forget, baby, babes, rate and review the show. Follow along. Even if you don't listen to an episode, mark it as finished. That way your girl gets the play and tell your friends about it. That's all I ask. If you want more, the resources are there. And if not, that's okay too. Thank you for sitting with me. Thank you for being here. I'm open. If you guys have suggestions for series next year, things that you want, let me know and I'll see if I can do that. And if not, I'm just grateful to be here with you guys and have my besties along the ride. All right, babies, until next time. Next week.
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