← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
179: Situationships, 'Going With The Flow', and Why You're Still Single
00:40:01
Loading summary
Transcript5 lines
- [00:02]
Commercial Narrator
When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for a Sprite Winter Spiced Cranberry and put your twist on tradition. A bold cranberry and winter spice flavor Fusion Sprite Winter Spice Cranberry is a refreshing way to shake things up this sipping season and only for a limited time. Sprite obey your thirst.
- [00:25]
Sabrina Zohar
This episode is brought to you by McAfee. I got a message that our flight was canceled, but thank you. They can put us on another flight and we just need to confirm our credit card info. Wait, I got a security alert from McAfee. It flagged that message as a scam. McAfee's scam detector automatically spots and alerts you to suspicious texts, emails and deepfake videos. Learn more@mcafee.com online protection do you know what going in with flow actually means? It means you're too scared to ask for what the fuck it is that you want. It means you're abandoning yourself before they even get the chance to. It means you're in a situationship, calling it keeping it casual, when really you're just terrified of that. If you say what you actually need, they'll leave. And maybe they will, maybe they will. But at least you'll stop wasting your time because going with the flow isn't intentional. Where's the flow going? Are there snacks there? Will I be overdressed? Will. Will I have anybody that I know? We gotta cut the and start showing up differently, baby. Well, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina ZOHAR SHOW. Episode 44 of 4 My Babes. It's the final episode of the Clarity series on dating with intention and the last episode of 2025. You guys, we did it. We fucking made it. Guys, please don't forget to comment, rate and review and share with a friend. Please, please. It means the world. And guys, you know what? Let's get right on into it. But before we do, I want to say thank you. I want to thank you guys for everything. Thank you for being here. Thank you for believing with in me. Thank you for sticking by my side. This show would only is only here because of you guys. It would successful because of you. And I am so grateful. And guys, don't forget, stick around because at the end of every new episode, we're giving you a tool of the week. And it's something that you can actually use as we head into the new year. All right, babes, this episode is one I've been building to because everything we've talked about in this series comes down to this. Are you going to keep being passive in your love life or are you going to show up with intention? It's so important. So let's talk about what we've talked about. Episode one, we talked about ruminating versus processing. How have you been replaying the same story, thinking you're healing, but you're actually just stuck in the loop. The difference between thinking about your feelings and actually feeling them super important. Go back and listen to it if you haven't. Episode two, we talked about waiting for them to come back. Do they always come back? No, they don't always come back. And how that waiting isn't hope, it's actually avoidance. It's you organizing your entire healing process around someone who's not even in the room. And it's not you wanting to grieve because grief means it's really over. It's trying to avoid that and hoping that this person's going to come back and choose you. Well, did that work in your childhood? And then episode three, we talked about the myth of being fully healed before you date, that there's no finish line. Some healing can only really happen in relationships. Relationships. And you know, even in therapy yesterday our therapist said romantic relationships hold up the mirror more than anything else because they show you the mirror of the work that you still need to do. And they show you the mirror of the version of you that already did that work. And I think it's really beautiful. And we talked about how you build self trust by keeping promises to yourself, not by hiding until you feel ready. And now episode four, all of that work means absolutely nothing if you get back out there and immediately abandon yourself again. And if you say, I'm just going with the flow because you're too scared to have standards, if you keep letting someone keep you in a situationship for eight months because asking for more feels too vulnerable. If you perform to be chill while slowly dying inside. This is where we put it all together. This is the episode about what are we leaving in 2025? And I'll start. I'll start because I think it's important for me to take accountability and ownership. This whole year for me has been a wo is me. What's going on?
- [03:57]
Commercial Narrator
Why?
- [03:57]
Sabrina Zohar
Why? Why me? Why me? Why me? And I get how it can feel like you. And you know what? It showed me that it wasn't me. It's what I was taught. It wasn't me. I didn't do, didn't. This isn't karmic retribution. It's a shifting of consumer behavior. It's a shifting of the times. We're going in a real. It's just a tough time right now. I know a lot of businesses are struggling and I wanted to internalize that as it's me. And it's the same with dating, right? We, we have seasons where it's a lot harder or easier for some people. And my commitment to you, especially now that we're going to be doing Spotify video and you guys can watch me more if you're on YouTube, you already are. And you can see my fabulous new New Year's Eve shirt. But if not, and we're just listening or you're watching along, my commitment to you is this. This year we're going to evolve. 2026 is our time. My book comes out, I am ready, willing, can't wait. But this is the year and I want you to remember this. This is the year you finally get to decide what the you're worthy and deserving of. This is the year you get to demand that people show up for you in the ways that you need. Otherwise you will not let them in your life. And this is the year we stop trying to change who we are to be more palatable for other people. Cuz let me tell you this. If I'm too go find less. I don't give a go kick rocks without shoes. I don't need to change who I am so that you can like it more. And that's the energy we're bringing into 2026. We are no longer waiting to be chosen because you are now making choices for yourself and you're choosing you. And to that I say cheers all goddamn day. So let's talk about what is going with the flow actually mean. And let's get to the surface level and the deeper. So on the surface, go with the flow. It sounds like so evolved, right? It sounds like oh my God, I'm not needy, I'm not desperate. I'm the cool girl or guy who doesn't need labels or timelines or pressure. I'm vibing baby and look like there is a healthy version of that. We want flexibility. I've talked about this at nauseam. We don't want somebody that's super rigid. Like I've seen it. Somebody had written in a profile once and I read it to my mom, I didn't even give her any context and she wrote whoa, that woman sounds fun. And I said why mom? And she goes, listen to the rigidity. If you don't do what I want, then you're out and it's like, no, no, we don't want that. We don't want such hard, like, like tough exterior that there's no space for growth. We don't want to have to need control over every outcome. We love that being open to how things unfold is really beautiful. But that's not what most of you guys mean when you say it. What it usually means is I'm scared to ask for what I want because if they say no, what happens? I don't trust that my needs are valid enough to voice. I'm trying to be the cool girl or guy because I think that's will make them pick me, right? In the past, if I had needs, my caregiver left, so let me just not have needs and then people won't leave me. I hate to break it to you, but you know what actually is really sexy? Somebody that has needs. A lot of people say I'm abandoning myself before they can abandon me. I'd rather have crumbs than nothing. I'm so scared of being alone, I'll accept situationship purgatory indefinitely. You want to know what the sexiest thing in dating is? It's not someone that's playing a game. And it's not the chase. It's someone that says, I want you in my life, but I don't need you in my life because I'm more scared to lose myself than I am to lose you. Because at the end of the day, if I'm scared to lose somebody else, I've already lost myself because I'm trying so hard to keep them in my life that I forgot who the I am and what it is that I actually need. You're an addition to my life, not instead of. And we need to be put. Put people in the places that they belong because of how they've earned that place, not because of the pedestal I think that they belong on. So where does this come from? This isn't random. This is programming. If you grew up in an environment where having needs was inconvenient. Hi, welcome to my childhood. Or asking for things got you rejected or shamed. Where you learned that the way to stay safe is to be easy and flexible and no trouble, then of course, go with the flow. Like the right strategy. It's what kept you safe as a kid. But it's literally destroying your adult relationships. It doesn't really matter what your attachment style is. But let's go into the. The anxious attachment piece. So people with anxious attachment are more likely to suppress their needs to maintain Connection. And the logic is if I don't ask for anything, they can't say no. And if I don't have expectations, I can't be disappointed. If I'm easy and flexible, they'll want to stay. But what actually happens is you suppress, you accommodate, you pretend you're fine and then you build resentment and then you either explode or, or they leave and you're confused because you never told them anything was wrong. And you think you're being easy to love, but you're actually being impossible to get to know. Because who the are you really? Who are you really? What are your needs? That's a bait and switch. Do you want to know why the cool girl or guy doesn't work? It's because it's one or two dimensional. I'm just the cool girl or guy. Anything you say, I'll do whatever you want. I'm in. You know what people actually like? They like someone that has an opinion. They like someone that'll say no. Do you know who wants somebody that just accommodates. Someone that wants to manipulate. Someone that wants to control. Someone that benefits from the fact that you don't stand up for yourself. Because people that love and respect you are going to love and respect how you feel and what you need. Someone that cares about you, cares about their impact on you and vice versa. So if you want to keep playing the cool girl or guy, you can't be shocked when you don't win. Because you play the stupid game, you'll win stupid prizes. So I want to talk about situationships because this is where go with the flow lives and, and dies. And I want it to stay there and die. A situationship is a relationship without clarity. You're doing relationship things. You might be texting this person every day, you're sleeping together, you're meeting friends maybe, but there's no label, there's no commitment, there's no future talk. And one person is usually fine with this. And one person is dying inside. If you're in a situationship, I want to ask you this question. Are you the person that's scared of commitment? Or are you the person that's scared of speaking up and has self esteem issues? Because the only reason you're in a situationship is because one or both of you is benefiting from the dynamic. Because when you start to take up space, you no longer fit into situation chips because now you have clarity. You either see their limitations or you decide it doesn't work for you. Instead of waiting for them to choose you, you're choosing yourself and you're saying, I'd rather take up space than play quiet and not actually get what it is that I deserve. And if you're the one dying inside and you're telling yourself I'm just going to go with the flow, you're literally lying to yourself. You're gaslighting yourself. You're not even being honest. So here are signs you're in a situationship, not a relationship. 1. You've never had a conversation about what this is. 2. When you do bring it up, they deflect or say, let's just see where it goes. I'm. I don't know. I'm just. I'm going with it. You don't know they're seeing other people and you're too scared to ask. You feel anxious more than you feel secure. You're always waiting for them to give you more. You make excuses for why it's not defined yet. It's been months, it could even be years. And the harsh truth is if somebody wants to be with you, you would know. You wouldn't be guessing. You wouldn't be overanalyzing their text. You wouldn't be asking all your friends, but what do you think this means? Ambiguity is your answer. Especially. Especially if you have asked for clarity in the past and they're not it to you. This episode is sponsored by Air Doctor. Guys, did you know that Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors? But did you know indoor air can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air? When we moved to la, we found that out firsthand, especially after the fires and we knew we needed an Air Doctor in every single room and it has not disappointed. You can breathe Easy with Air Doctor. It's the award winning air purifier that eliminates 99.99% of dangerous contaminants like allergens, viruses, smoke, G mold spores and more. Guys, if you head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code Sabrina, you get up to $300 off today. Air Doctor comes with a 30 day money back guarantee plus a 3 year warranty. An $84 value for free. Get this exclusive podcast only offer@air doctor pro.com a I r d o c T-O-R-P-R-O.com and again the promo code Sabrina. Okay, so there was a study done in 2008. This one's interesting. They studied how people stated preferences for partners predict actual attraction and what they found is what people say they want often doesn't match with who they actually choose. Why? Because in the moment we abandon our standards, we feel chemistry and we throw out the list, we like someone and suddenly all our non negotiables become negotiable. That's why I'll say I hate the statement, if they wanted to, they would. Want and do are two different parts of the brain. According to neuroscience. I can want something all day, but that doesn't mean I have the capacity or the bandwidth to actually achieve it. And that's why how many of you telling me I want a healthy and relate secure relationship, I want this out of a partner. All right, what are you doing about it? Yet here you are saying if he wanted to, he would. And what about you? What are you doing? Because when I do want to, sometimes I can't, sometimes I don't have the bandwidth, sometimes I have a panic attack. It's not about wanting, it's about what I actually have capacity for. And if we want to actually expand our consciousness, then we need to stop throwing bumper stickers onto people and start understanding. We are nuanced and complex creatures. And the more you give me this, the longer you will be single because you're not actually understanding how people work. And I say that with love. You guys know I'm not trying to be a. I'm not doing this intentionally to be like, haha, shame, shame, but we have to stop this. I'm just exhausted. Every time I go on the Internet, it's another video going viral. Of all the platitudes and avoidance are the worst people. And it's like imagine if you met somebody and they were saying stay away from anxious people. Oh no, they're too annoying. They want constant reassurance. How up would that be? Why are we limiting the. The fact that like people can grow, people can change, people can evolve. You're trying so hard to get somebody to change to some. Get someone to choose you to get somebody this and this and this and this. Who the are you? What is it that you want to need? Go with the flow is the phrase we use to justify abandoning what we said we wanted. And so the longer that you're trying to go with the flow, you tell me where's that flow taking you? Where is the end game, babes? We need to be intentional. And part of being intentional is holding that space. I tried that, I tried to be the cool girl. I did. And I was just fucking terrified. The mental gymnastics I did to convince myself it was fine. The moment I finally admitted that going with the Flow wasn't what I wanted. Do you want to know why that was so tough for me? It wasn't tough because of the words. It was tough because me admitting that what the dynamic was, wasn't working for me meant that now I had choices, now I could do something about it. And now I can't pretend like that doesn't exist. Exist. And for a lot of us that's terrifying. Especially because I never had the opportunity to make choices for myself. I was, I did what I had to. And for a lot of us that's really uncomfortable. But now I give you permission to take up that space. And this is exactly why I created the Healthy Dating Foundations course. Because I needed a place to actually practice this. To learn how to ask for what I want without feeling like I'm being too much. To figure out my patterns and catch them before I end up in another situationship wondering how the I got there. And if you're tired of going with the flow and ending up nowhere, the course is for you. The link is in the show notes or it's Sabrina Zohar dot com. You can work with me one on one. You can ask a question, you can join this course or you know what, you could just be here. And that's why I always say please don't forget to share this with a friend. Leave a comment, let me know what it is that you guys need. I can't read your mind. And that's the only way we're going to grow this community is if you guys are part of the community with me. I can't be the only one. And I'm so grateful for everybody that is. Thank you for making this such a safe space for all of us to grow and to learn. I couldn't do this without you guys. I'm being serious. Enough of me being sappy. Let's go into intention versus control. So there's an overcorrection that happens now. Some of you guys here date with intention and you things. That means that need you to have like a 47 point checklist. You need to interrogate someone on date one. You need to know their five year plan. You know, need to know exactly how every conversation should go or you're out. That's not intention, that's control. And control is just fear. I was talking to a single friend and he was saying the biggest issue he sees in dating right now is that every time he goes out with somebody they have to have certainty. Do you want to be with me? Do you want to marry me? Do you want kids? Do you want all of these things now? Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a clear rubric of like, hey, do you want this? In general? But they want to know all that before they've even gone on the first date of, well, you're going to choose me, right? And you're not going to leave me, and you're not going to ghost me, and you're going to want to be with me. That is more than just asking somebody what it is that they want out of a relationship. That is needing 100% certainty. Because what I hear is that you don't trust yourself. You don't trust yourself that you'll be able to see if this is the right match for you. You want certainty because you know why the brain hates not knowing an answer. But you know what happens in that space. That's where you grow. That's where you evolve. That's where you start to figure out who the you really are. When you're in the discomfort, when you don't know what's going to happen, that's when you can see how you have your back. Not by knowing that before I've even gone on the first date, that this has to be my husband. Just because someone says they want a relationship doesn't mean that they want a relationship with you. And it's so important to be able to differentiate those two. I can be intentional with the way that I'm dating, and that also means I'm making choices. That also means that I'm vetting people. That also means that can end. Because part of dating with intention is making choices with intention. It's not that it has to work out. It's that I'm being truthful to myself and to the other person along the way. Control feels safe when you've been hurt. And I get that if you can manage every variable, no one can surprise you and no one can disappoint you. And then no one can blindside you. But the thing is, you can't control another person. You cannot control whether they like you. You can't control whether they're ready for a relationship. You can't control if they're going to ghost you. The only thing you can control is you. You, your behavior, your boundaries, your willingness to stay or to leave. That's the difference between intention and control. Control says, I need to know exactly how this will go or I can't handle the anxiety. Intention says, I know what I want, I know that I won't accept, and I know I'm paying attention because I know I'm fucking deserving. Control says I'm going to test them to see if they fail. Intention says I'm going to observe their behavior and believe what they show me. Control says I have a secret timeline and I'll resent them if they don't meet it. Intention says I'll communicate what I need and let them show me if they can meet it. Control says I to manage their perception of me. Intention says I'm going to be my self and see if we're compatible. That is really the differentiation. This episode is sponsored by Merit Beauty Babes. The holidays are around the corner, which means parties, family gatherings and plenty of photos. But you don't have time to stress about feeling your best and spending hours in front of the mirror getting ready. Merit Beauty has you covered, so now you can focus on enjoying the season, not stressing over your makeup routine. I am a fan of just put it on and go. If you guys watch any of my get Ready with me, you see I use Merit all the time. I am obsessed with their blush. Oh, the flush blush. It gives you that natural, healthy glow without overdoing it. One was sold every 30 seconds in 2024. That's how good it is. And I'm just. I love it. I love that. Merit is a minimalist beauty brand that makes elevated makeup and skincare designed to help you look put together in minutes. It's time for your makeup and skin care to meet the reality of your daily routine with Merit Beauty. Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their signature makeup b with your first order at merit beauty.com that's M E R I T beauty.com to get your free signature makeup bag with your first order. Again, merit beauty.com this episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. Let's be real. Shopping is not as easy or fun as it sounds. Do you ever wish that you would have somebody that just tells you what to wear? Like, I wish we could just have a machine that would just come in and say, here's how you can look your best. Well, I wish that, but I'm far too busy to shop right now. And that's why Stitch Fix has come in and saved the day. Because your girl still wants to look good. And that's why I love Stitch Fix. Your stylist sends you clothes that fit your body, your vibe and your budget. Shopping without the hassle. Yes, please. Tech guy has really struggled as well to find things. We're going from store to store to store. Still can't seem to get him anything he needs. So we sign up for Stitch fix, we get a box, he gets to try everything on, he keeps what he likes, he sends back what he doesn't. It's amazing. And you just don't have to leave your house or, or go through hundreds of websites to find things. So, guys, get started today@stitchfix.com Sabrina to get $20 off your first order and they'll waive your styling fee. Again, that's stitchfix.com Sabrina. So you want to know what intentionality actually looks like? Like, this is the real shit. And I'm actually creating like a mini course on how to date with intention. So look out for that. Guys, it's gonna be really great. I give you actual tools and a rubric, but let's go over it. What it looks like is knowing your non negotiables before you're emotionally invested. It's not a wish list of a hundred things. It's three to five things that are actual deal breakers. Maybe that deal breaker is I don't date people that aren't growth minded. I don't date people that aren't done with their ex. I don't date people that don't speak to me with respect. These are things you will walk away over, no exceptions. I had somebody ask me in a live, can my non negotiables be worked so I could be with this person? I said then they're not non negotiables. That's what makes them a non negotiable. That no matter what you're walking away, doesn't matter for me, somebody being rude to a waiter or to wait staff, I'm out, I'm done. I don't give them the opportunity to explain why they were a prick to this person that didn't do anything to them. No, thank you. I've been in that position before. I've been the front desk girl. I've worked at stores, I ate. I didn't come from a bunch of money. And higher the holier than thou and everything was given to me. I worked two jobs when I was in college just to make ends meet, to pay rent. And so to me, if you're going to treat people disrespectfully because what you don't deem that they could do something for you, you get the out of here. So maybe it's emotional availability, maybe it's that they want a relationship, honest communication, shared values on the big stuff. Right? We have to notice, like when does something feel off and we're not explaining it away. Your gut knew something was wrong at week two, you spend four months convincing yourself that you are overreacting and gaslighting yourself. But intention means trusting the first signal and getting curious. It doesn't mean that you have to walk away from this person and be like them. I'm out. We don't need to have that type of big. But what it means is maybe just saying I'm more aware of this, and I'm not going to just dust this under the rug. Like I said, when you see them being rude to someone, you're not like, oh, whatever, it's fine. No, you're like, hey, that doesn't work for me. I don't really love that. Maybe intentionality looks like asking questions instead of making up stories. Okay, this is the. This is what we did in episode one. Instead of spiraling about what their text means, maybe we say, hey, I notice you've been distanced this week. Is everything okay? Am I picking up on that? Clarity over comfort? It also looks like being honest about what you're looking for, even when it's scary. If you want a relationship, take out that space. It doesn't need to be in an intense way, but when it's relevant. Right. Hey. So what. What is your intentions with dating? I'm really. I'm seeking a relationship. Like, I never forget when I first met Ryan. We slept together on the first date. Yeah. And when we left, I said this one thing. I looked him right in the eyes and I said, hey, I had a really good time, and if you want to see me again, awesome. I'd love to get to know you more and actually build something here because your girl needed to get laid tonight. And this was fun. But if you just want casual, you just want to hook up or you just want friends with benefits, don't waste my time. I'm intentional with the way that I date. And if we're going to spend time together, that's because we're genuinely seeing if we can build something. If not, that's cool. This was great, and I really appreciate it. He loved that because he said, I loved the fact that you weren't scared of losing me. You were scared of losing yourself. And it showed that you were so intentional and he wasn't scared. And here we are three years later. So anybody wants to tell you if you sleep with someone too quickly, they're going to walk away. It's their intentionality that will cause them to walk away. Or maybe that they weren't into it and maybe it wasn't that good. And that's okay. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That's not your problem person. But we need to take up the space and not be so scared to ask for what it is that you want. Because, baby, if I had walked away and started attacking myself and shaming myself and doing all of that, I was not standing up for myself. And instead, the whole time I demanded what I deserve and I got it. The right person's not going to be scared away by knowing what you want. The last thing, evaluating them, not just hoping they pick you. Stop auditioning, stop assessing. Do you like the them? Do they meet your standards? Are they showing up for you? I don't give a. I don't care how you feel about them. I care about how you feel with them because I see this all the time, especially with Limerant. This, like, all consuming. Oh, my God. When we're together, it's fireworks and it's amazing. And then when we're not, I'm devastated. It's like, nah, then we're not seeing this for what it is. You're seeing this through a different lens because then you're just excited that they're choosing you. When they're there, it's not actually about you. And there's actually data that shows that people who enter relationships with clear expectations and communicate them early report higher relationship satisfaction. It's not about rigid expectations because clarity is what matters. Vague resentment later, clear compatibility or quick exit. The fear of being too much. I know why you don't do this. Because you're scared that if you ask for what you want, they'll leave and then you'll be alone. And that feels worse than being in something to me, than somebody that's not meeting your needs. And to me, I'd rather be alone than in bad company because. Let me ask you a question. Aren't you alone? If asking for your basic needs, basic clarity scares them off, what does that tell you about their capacity for a real relationship? You didn't lose a great thing. You found out early it wasn't going to work. Work. Being too much for the wrong person is how you find the right person. I used to think constantly, I'm too much. I'm too much. You know what? I was projecting that. But you know what it actually was? Maybe my behavior was too much for them. 100. Maybe how I was approaching things was too much for them. Totally, a hundred percent. But that doesn't mean that I was too much. That meant that maybe my behavior was. And I have absolutely it up with my fair share of people. Even now, if I go in and I'm not intentional about the way that I do things, if I wasn't intentional about the way that I show up for the podcast. Podcast, you would just get me babbling on for an hour. You might like that. But it wouldn't be me showing up in a way that I am proud of. It would be me trying to play small and do what everybody else wants. No. So we need to talk about what are we leaving in 2025? We're at the end of the year. I mean, whenever you listen to this, it doesn't really matter, but I want you to sit with this. What are you done carrying into another year of your life? What patterns are you exhausted by? What version of yourself have you outgrown? I want you to leave behind? The cool girl or guy, they pretend that they don't care when they're actually tracking that person's location. That person says they're fine with casual when they cry after the person leaves, that person performs low maintenance while their needs go completely unmet. That person's exhausted. That person is trying so hard to maintain and they don't even know who the fuck they really are. That's a trauma response, a protection mechanism that stopped working a long time ago and in 2025 let them retire higher. They served a purpose. They kept you safe when you needed to be safe. But they're not getting you where you want to go. So what are you bringing instead? The person that knows what it is that they want and isn't ashamed of it. Who doesn't perform to be chill or chosen. Who would rather be alone than pretend. Are we going to let go of the situationship cycle? I, I, I almost, I do. I get shocked when you guys will be like, I'm in a situationship. And I'm like, whoa, wait, you're so open about. It's a situationship. You're so aware about that, but yet what are your choices? You know all about them and their attachment style and what they're doing and what they want. They are. But what about you? What about you? Do you know what it is that works for you? How many almost relationships did you have this year? How many talking stages that went nowhere? Which is why I say stop with the texting. How many people who wanted all the benefits of dating you without any commitment? That's the pattern. You meet someone, there's chemistry. You start hanging out, you catch feelings, you wait for them to define it. They don't. You keep waiting. Months pass, you're miserable and eventually it ends and you're devastated over someone who was never even really, really there for you. That's the situationship cycle. It's not about bad luck. It's about what you're willing to accept and what you're willing to allow. I'm gonna say this with conviction. In 2026, you're not waiting six months for someone to decide if they want you. You're having that conversation earlier on. And if they can't give you an answer, that is your answer. That is it. When Ryan and I were dating, I never left it vague. I didn't just say, oh, I just, I'm not ready. I was very clear. Here's the reasons I don't want to be in a relationship with you at here's what I need. Here's the rubric. He could have said, no, thank you. And I go, okay, go, and we're just not right for each other. It wasn't an ultimatum. It was, I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with you until I see these things. We're going to let go of the fantasy relationship this year. The one in your head that's better than anything in reality. The one where you finally realize what they have. The one where you're dating their potential instead of their reality. Do you want to know why that's so sexy? When you think about a fantasy, you actually release more dopamine. This episode is sponsored by One Skin, y'. All. If you're like me, your skin might need a little extra care. This time of year, we have the colder weather, the rush of the holidays days. It's easy for your skin to feel dry, dull or stressed. And that's why I've been sticking with One Skin. I love their SPF year round, but I especially love their under eye cream on my neck, under eyes, all the delicate areas. And the reason why is because at the core is their patented OS1 peptide. So it's the first ingredient proven to target senescent cells. The root cause of wrinkles, crappiness, and the loss of elasticity, which are all key signs of skin aging. And these results have now been validated, stated in five different clinical studies. Plus One Skin just launched their limited edition holiday set, including the nightly rewind gift set. Oh, it's such an ultimate and just upgrade to anything that you've experienced. So it features their best selling face moisturizer, the brand new peptide lip mask, and a sculpting Gua sha tool helping you design to work together as your body enters its natural nightly repair mode. So guys, for a limited time try one skin for 15% off using code sabrina@oneskin.com co Sabrina after you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show the Sabrina Zohar show and tell them we sent you. There was a study done that had gamblers come in and they didn't even give them a slot machine. They told them to think about it. More dopamine was released than in even them sitting there pulling the trigger of the, you know, of the slot machine. Because dopamine is what keeps you in there. You've been in a relationship with who they could have been instead of who the they are and you've made excuses for that behavior that doesn't match their words. You've believed the promises, ignored the pattern, turns fantasy. Relationships feel safer because they can't disappoint you. The real person can, but the real person is the only one who can actually love you back. And a lot of the times, childhood trauma, I used to fantasize because it kept me safe. I didn't have to deal with what my parents were actually doing. I could fantasize. That's limerence. Limerence is this all consuming obsession with the person. And it really comes from one of two things. Either childhood that didn't satisfy your needs and so that's where you learned to fantasize, or that dopamine thinking about them gives you so much more dopamine that you're now beholden to the fantasy of them because facing reality, reality would have you drop off. And that is like a addict. It's gonna feel real tough in 2026. You're dating the person in front of you, not the one you hope they'll become. We're letting go of self abandonment as a dating strategy. Done. Every time you said yes when you meant no. Every time you change your opinion to match theirs. Every time you pretend like something you didn't care about. Every time you stayed quiet when something bothered you. Every time you shrunk to make them more comfortable. Self abandonment is not love. You're disappearing and it doesn't work out. You can't abandon yourself into loving so that someone loves you. You can only abandon yourself into loving a version of you that isn't real. And in 2026, you stay. Even when it's uncomfortable, even when you're scared they'll leave. You stay with yourself. You have your back in a way that nobody did when you were a kid. I want you to let go of the belief that wanting more makes you too much. I get it. You've been told your entire life. You're too sensitive. You're too emotional. No. You're too meaty. You're too intense. You want too much. You feel too deeply. You care too hard. So you learned. You want less, you learn to need less. You learn to ask for less. But here's what I want you to know. You're not too much. You've just been with people who couldn't meet you, people with limited capacity, trying to convince you that your needs were the problem. Your needs weren't the problem. The mismatch was the problem. Their capacity. And in 2026, you stop apologizing for wanting what you want. Commitment, clarity, consistency, communication. Those aren't too much. Those are the bare minimum for a healthy, secure relationship. Relationship. And you know what? I'll be honest. I'm leaving that behind, too. I'm leaving behind this idea that I'm never going to have what it is that I want and that I don't deserve it and that everybody else can have success because they're not me, and I am the problem. I'm leaving that behind. I'm tired of personalizing everything. I'm exhausted by it. And this year, I demand it. I deserve success and. And I deserve to make money. I deserve to have a career. I deserve to set boundaries, and that's why I set boundaries with you guys. I was saying, like, no, I'm not gonna answer your questions for free when you DM me. No, I'm not just accessible to everybody when they don't spend money. My time is valuable, and I'm gonna fucking demand that because for a long time, I thought I was too much. You know, it's funny. I was in therapy yesterday. I have a new therapist. I'm stoked. And she has ADHD as well, so we can relate. And she said, you know, it's interesting. As women, for so long, we've been told to be small. And then when you have adhd, you're told to be even smaller. Smaller. And she said, and now I give you permission that you can take up space because who was there for you? I started crying because I was like, that's it. I'm taking up space. And I'm telling you right the now, if you don't like the show, that's okay. Thank you so much for coming. I. Everybody is welcome. It's not my job to keep you here. And if you love it and you're growing and learning, we've only just begun and I can't wait. I'm letting that go. I'm letting go of having to be performative, of having to figure out what people want. No, I know what it is that we love. I know what it is that we want and need. And I'm gonna hold that space and I'm gonna create more for you guys. And I'm gonna be here if you need me. And if not, I respect that. I don't try to make you guys change, to keep you. And that's what I want you to remember in dating again. If you're listening to this and you're like, I don't even know what I want. I just know I don't want this anymore. Really valid. That's exactly where the Healthy Dating foundation course starts. We get clear on what you actually need versus what you've been settling, we figure out why you keep ending up here, and we build something different. Check it out. If that that's where you are. Link in bio. Link in show notes Rather or Sabrina Zohar.com all right. Dating with intention 2026. So you know what, you're leaving now. What are you actually doing instead? What does it look like to date with intention? So here, I'll give you an example of what it looks like. It looks like knowing your non negotiables before you catch feelings again. It's not the wish list. That's what we talked about. It's a short list of deal breakers, things you will not negotiate on no matter how much chemistry there is. I want you to write this them down. Put them somewhere you'll see. When you've attempted to rationalize. I want you to read the list. You could put it in your bathroom. So here's an example. They must be emotionally available. Not working on it. I want them to be available. And that doesn't mean that like it has to be perfect, right? Like, I love my partner, he's not a hundred percent, but like, hey, hold space for me. We can do that. They must want a committed relationship. Not eventually now. They have to be ready for that. They must be able to communicate when something's wrong. Not shut down or stonewall. It's one thing. Listen, they're allowed to say, hey, can you give me a minute, I need to process. Or like, hey, I'm shutting down. Down. That's okay. Human, right? I shut down. There are times where I'm just sitting there because I'm like that was childhood. But it's not them walking out or going, I need space. And then you don't hear from someone for two weeks. Like, no, no, no, no. They must treat me with consistency. No hot and cold. These aren't high standards. These are your baseline requirements for a functioning relationship. The second thing, I want you to start asking for what you need and letting the wrong ones go. I know that that's tough. That's where grieving comes in. Because if asking for basic clarity makes them run, they were going to run anyway, Baby, they just sped up the timeline. The right person will not of you having needs. The right person will be relieved that you're direct. The right person will meet you there. The third thing, I need you to trust your gut faster. You knew something was off early. You ignored it because you wanted it to work. You explained it away because the good parts felt so good. Bitch, in 2026, you trust the first, knowing you don't need to wait for proof your gut is enough. And that's why I'm saying that's why we had. Is it anxiety or intuition? Like, three or four weeks ago? I think around at this point, four or five weeks ago. That's why I create these episodes. Because then you guys are like, well, how do I tell the difference? I got you. You. I got you. That's the episode and the course. We're going to start choosing availability over chemistry. This one's hard because chemistry feels like magic and feels like fate. It feels like proof that they're special. But chemistry with unavailable people is often your nervous system recognizing a familiar wound. I know it feels exciting because it's activating your attachment system. No, it feels intense because it's disregulating. Boring might actually be safe. Calm might actually be healthy. Easy might actually be right. Fifth thing, being willing to walk away. This is the foundation of it all. Your willingness to leave protects you. If you're not willing to walk away, you have no leverage. Not leverage to manipulate them. Leverage to protect yourself, to hold your boundaries, to not accept less than you deserve. The moment you're willing to be alone rather than abandon yourself. That's when everything changes. Because you're saying, I want you in my life. I don't need you in my life. God, that's such a sexy place to be. So, guys, that's it. We're wrapping up the Clarity series. Four weeks, four episodes. And here's what you're walking away with. The first episode was stop ruminating and start actually processing. Get out of your head. The second Episode, stop waiting for them and then and start actually grieving so you can move on. Episode three was stop hiding behind I'm healing and start trusting yourself. And now stop going with the flow and start dating with intention. That's what we're taking into 2026. So tool of the week, my babies. And that's why I, I, I'm a little sneaky. I put them at the end of the episode because we need you guys to actually listen to the whole thing. Otherwise, if you're just gonna listen to five minutes and bop off, what help is that? So before you go on another date or swipe in another another app, first thing, write down three to five actual deal breakers. Not preferences, deal breakers. Things that you're like, I don't care what under the sun this person is. I don't care if they're the Queen of Sheba or the King of Sheba. If they have this, I'm not. It's not happening. Two, these are the things you will leave over. No negotiation. Then the third thing, I want you to put this list somewhere you'll see it regularly. Then when you're tempted to make an exception because they're hot or charming or you're lonely, read that list. Read the list and stop. And ask the yourself, does this feel like it aligns? If they violate one, you're out. That's why they're called non negotiables. This is how you date with intention. It's not by controlling the outcome. It's by staying clear on what you will and won't accept. That is how my dating life changed. You guys think that all you think I have my relationship with Ryan because I just, I was going with the flow. Now is because I was cutting people out and not in a, like, you didn't do what I want. You're done. The people that were very clearly open with me of like, hey, I don't want a relationship right now. No, thank you. Hey, you know, I'm emotionally unavailable. No, thank you. I, I wasn't interested in that because I was okay walking away. And then when I met somebody that had what I wanted, I was okay to stay. I wasn't looking for highs and lows. I was looking for consistency and I was looking for someone I could work through things with. Guys, I got you. If you want help getting clear on what these non negotiables actually are and why you keep abandoning them, check out the Healthy Dating foundation course. It is open right now. And this is the real work. It's linked in the show. So, guys, thank you for being here. God, it means the world. I am so excited about the next year. And not because I know what's gonna happen. I don't. I don't know. I could release my book and it could be an instant bestseller. I could release my book and I sell zero. But you know what? Doesn't matter. Any of that. What matters is that I believe in myself. That I'm gonna put a hundred million percent into this. And that no matter what, I'll have my back whatever happens. We talked about what you're leaving behind. And now in New Year's, we're gonna talk about what you're calling in and who you're becoming. Because we can let go and let go and let go. But now we need to step in our power and start to receive. And I got you babies all day. I am so proud of you. And I just want to say thank you again. Thank you for not abandoning me. Thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up every week and even if you don't show up every week, thank you for showing up and trying and sharing it with your friends and letting people know and spreading the word. We're trying to do the work and God, I. I just. I just love you guys so much. I'm just so grateful. I was so lost before I started this podcast. I didn't know which way I wanted to go. And I'm so grateful to be almost three years later sitting here with you guys, entering another year saying let's fucking do this together. And I just want to say thank you because you guys just don't know what you mean to me and how grateful I am for you. Thank you guys. And until next time, angels, we'll see you soon. I'll see you in the new year.
- [39:26]
Commercial Narrator
Save over $200 when you book weekly. Stays with VRBO this winter. If you need to work, why not work from a chalet? If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to fully catch up in a snowy cabin. And if you have to stay in a remote place with your in laws, you should save over $200 a week. That's the least we can do. So you might as well start digging out the long johns because saving over $200 on a week long snowcation rental is in the cards book now@vrbo.com.