The Sabrina Zohar Show
Episode 181: Am I Settling? How To Know When To Walk Away
Date: January 9, 2026
Host: Sabrina Zohar
Episode Overview
This episode dives deep into the role of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance in dating and relationships, challenging the listener to distinguish between self-abandonment and genuine connection. Sabrina Zohar explores the importance of being able to walk away from relationships that don't serve us, arguing that the willingness to leave is the secret to being truly chosen and loved. The episode is full of raw, direct advice, actionable steps, and candid personal stories to inspire listeners to reclaim their power and authenticity—in love and in life.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Willingness to Leave is the Key to Healthy Relationships
- Main Idea: The healthiest people in relationships aren't the most loving, but those willing to walk away when things no longer serve them. Inability to leave is not loyalty; it's self-sabotage.
- Quote:
“Your inability to walk away isn’t loyalty. It’s not love. It’s the very thing that’s blocking you from being truly chosen. Because when you can’t leave, you can’t be honest. When you can’t be honest, you can’t be seen. And when you can’t be seen, you can’t be loved for who the fuck you actually are.”
—Sabrina Zohar (00:45)
2. The Problem with People Pleasing & ‘Fawning’
- People-Pleasing as Trauma: Not kindness, but a trauma response learned in childhood—especially common if raised with emotionally volatile, narcissistic, or unpredictable caregivers.
- Sabrina references Pete Walker’s definition of the ‘fawn’ trauma response, where safety is sought by meeting others’ needs at the expense of one’s own.
- Quote:
"People pleasing isn’t being a good partner. It’s not about being kind, it’s not about being loving. It's a trauma response."
—Sabrina Zohar (07:24) - Fawn Example:
“Walker says that fawn types act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.”
—Sabrina Zohar (09:22)
3. Real-Life Story: Walking Away as Self-Respect
- Sabrina’s First Date with Ryan: Sabrina slept with Ryan on their first date but directly told him she didn’t do casual hookups, setting a clear boundary. Ryan later said what was attractive was her willingness to lose him rather than lose herself.
- Quote:
“He said, ‘I knew you were not afraid to lose me. You were more afraid of losing yourself.’”
—Sabrina Zohar (05:32)
4. Authenticity vs. the ‘Cool Girl/Guy’ Trap
- Being One-Dimensional: Attempts to be the ‘cool’, easygoing partner backfire, as true attraction and intimacy arise from being fully yourself, even if it’s “too much” for some.
- Quote:
"If I’m too much, then good, go find less."
—Sabrina Zohar (06:34) - Performing or hiding needs means partners are only falling for a version of you that doesn’t actually exist—inevitably leading to dissatisfaction and disconnection.
5. The Dangers of Self-Abandonment in Relationships
- Suppressing Needs & Resentment: Research shows need suppression leads to lower relationship satisfaction and building resentment, as needs go unmet and one grows disconnected.
- Quote:
"Need suppression predicts lower relationship satisfaction over time. So it builds resentment. It guarantees the relationship won’t meet your needs because you never told them what your needs were."
—Sabrina Zohar (29:14)
6. Conflict Avoidance Erodes Real Intimacy
- Conflict is Healthy: Avoiding conflict doesn’t protect relationships—it erodes them. Real intimacy requires honesty and the willingness to repair after friction.
- Quote:
“If you telling somebody your needs pushes them away, then what the fuck are you losing besides somebody who doesn’t respect you for what it is that you need?”
—Sabrina Zohar (37:09) - Sabrina debunks the myth that “good relationships never fight,” noting this usually means needs aren’t being voiced.
7. Research Backing: Withdrawing Triggers More Conflict
- Sabrina references a study (Frontiers in Psychology) indicating that withdrawal or conflict avoidance triggers more aggression and demand from partners, lowering satisfaction for both.
8. Principle of Least Interest & Power in Relationships
- Concept: In any relationship, the partner least invested wields the most power. True empowerment is holding the power to leave—not over others, but over your own boundaries.
- Quote:
“If you’re incapable of leaving, you have no power… not power over them, power over yourself. Power to protect yourself, power to hold boundaries.”
—Sabrina Zohar (58:18)
9. The Transformation: From Fear to Self-Possession
- Sabrina walks through common fears—of being alone, not finding someone else, pain of loss, confrontation, or seeming like a failure—that keep people from leaving bad relationships.
- Quote:
“What changes when you can walk away? You stop accepting breadcrumbs. You speak up because you’re not afraid of the consequence, you’re more afraid of losing yourself.”
—Sabrina Zohar (1:01:09)
10. Tools & Action Steps for Change
-
Step 1: Notice Self-Abandonment:
Spot when you say yes but mean no, change your opinion to fit your partner, suppress your needs, or make yourself smaller. -
Step 2: Get Curious About the Root:
Journal prompts: What am I afraid will happen if I speak up? What did I learn about having needs growing up? What do I believe will happen if I’m “too much”? -
Step 3: Start Small:
Practice minor acts of honesty, like saying you need time to think or stating you prefer something else. -
Step 4: Tolerate Discomfort:
Understand that the discomfort from change is evidence of growth, not a mistake. -
Step 5: Notice Reactions:
Pay close attention to how others respond to your new boundaries; right people will adjust, wrong people will punish or gaslight. -
Quote:
“The discomfort is not a sign you did something wrong. It’s a sign that you did something new.”
—Sabrina Zohar (1:10:22)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On Directness and Boundaries
“I don’t allow people to tell me who I’m going to be. If they don’t like it, then they’re just out.”
—Sabrina Zohar (18:03) -
On Real Intimacy
“If you’ve never had a real fight, you probably never had real intimacy either, because how are you gonna have depth?”
—Sabrina Zohar (47:20) -
Mother’s Advice
“‘He’s not your father, you can tell him how you feel.’”
—Sabrina Zohar, quoting her mother during a pivotal conversation (52:03) -
Channeling Samantha from Sex and the City
“I love you, Richard, but I love me more.”
—Sabrina Zohar (1:04:37)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:45 – Main theme: Willingness to walk away as key relationship skill
- 05:32 – Real-life example: Meeting Ryan, setting boundaries early
- 09:22 – People-pleasing and ‘fawning’ explained
- 18:03 – Importance of directness and boundary-setting
- 29:14 – Need suppression and its dangers
- 37:09 – Why conflict is healthy in relationships
- 47:20 – The myth of “no fighting” in a good relationship
- 52:03 – Conversation with mom: Getting support to speak up
- 58:18 – The “principle of least interest” and the true meaning of power
- 1:01:09 – Life transformations when you’re willing to walk away
- 1:10:22 – Discomfort as a sign of doing something new
Tool of the Week: Self-Abandonment End-of-Day Check-In
At the end of each day, ask yourself:
- Did I say yes when I meant to say no today?
- Did I swallow something that bothered me?
- Did I change myself to fit what I thought someone wanted?
Reflect and write down your answers, looking for patterns over the week.
Episode Tone and Takeaway
Sabrina’s delivery is direct, unfiltered, and empowering. She challenges self-sabotaging patterns while offering supportive, actionable steps. The episode reassures listeners that the work of becoming whole and authentic may be uncomfortable, but it is the pathway to attracting and sustaining the kind of meaningful, real love everyone deserves.
For more on breaking people-pleasing, improving self-worth, and learning to walk away from what doesn’t serve you, check out Sabrina’s Healthy Dating Foundation Course or her other resources linked in the show notes.
"Being willing to leave doesn’t mean you want to leave—it means you’re not willing to abandon yourself to stay." —Sabrina Zohar (1:05:22)