← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Welcome to our ugly home.
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Reddit is back for a historically hideous season. It's our 100th ugly house. This place is mayhem. That is impressive. And if these walls could talk.
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Do you cry a lot? I do.
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They'd have a lot to say. What in God's name is this pit? Don't get too close.
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No.
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If you've seen the show, I'm scared of that. Ugliest house in America. All new Wednesday at 8 on HGTV. New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery.
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Here's something that might sound a little bit backwards to you. The people who find the healthiest relationships, they're not the ones that are the most loving. That's a common misconception. They're the ones that are willing to leave. Your inability to walk away isn't loyalty. It's not love. It's the very thing that's blocking you from being truly chosen. Because when you can't leave, you can't be hon. When you can't be honest, you can't be seen. And when you can't be seen, you can't be loved for who the fuck you actually are. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends, welcome back. All right, babes, don't forget, comment, rate and review. Share it with a friend. Guys, you know the drill. I am just asking for the support and I want to get into it immediately. But before we do again, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for allowing me to show up as me and letting you show up as you. So, guys, as always, stick around for the tool of the week at the end. And it's something you can literally start doing today. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? All right, so today's episode is for everyone. I don't care if you're single, I don't care if you're dating. I don't care if you're in a situationship. I don't care if you're in a long term relationship. Because what we're talking about applies to everybody. We're talking about why people pleasing, right, and conflict avoidance is actually blocking you from the connection that you want and why learning to walk away is the most important relationship skill that no one teaches you. And it's something I know incredibly well myself because for years I was the doormat. I was the one that, like you said, jump. I said, how high? You told me that you didn't want anything. No worries, I will make you want it with me. Because that's the goal, right? And I've shared the story with you guys again. If you're new, welcome. I'm stoked to have you. And if you're not, that's cool, you'll hear my story again. But when I first met Ryan and we went on our date, we slept together on the first date. Mm, kudos. And I knew like when I left, I was very honest with him and I said, hey, I really had a good time tonight, I needed to get laid and this was a lot of fun. But I'm going to be really honest with you. If you call me or you want to see me again, it's because you're actually intentional about dating and building something. Cuz I don't do casual, I don't do friends with benefits. And I'm not going to be the girl that's going to come over at 10 tonight just to fuck you again. So if you want to pursue something awesome, give me a call. And if not, this was a lot of fun. And the reason, right? People have asked Ryan, even on like interviews and stuff, the reason that that was so sexy was because he said, I knew you were not afraid to lose me, you were more afraid of losing yourself. And so really what that did and what that allowed him to realize was one like, she shows up authentically. I'm not trying to be anything. I'm not trying to pretend to be anything. I'm not trying to be a black cat, a golden retriever. Like, what if I'm a fucking pit bull? What if I'm a blend of all of these things? What if I'm not just one thing? And the more we try to become this, I have to be like this and like this, like this and like this, you're losing yourself. Because when you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. And so this is your reminder and this is your permission to be authentically yourself. If I'm too much, then good, go find less. If you don't like my personality, you don't like the way that I talk, you don't like how I show up, then I'm not for you. And the more we try to get other people around us to change because of our discomfort, the further away we're getting from who the we are and actually making choices for ourself. We are in a time where everything has to pertain to everybody. What about me ism? And the sky is blue. No, it's not. You're privileged. No, it's just me making a statement. And if that doesn't work for you, that's okay. It's the same in dating. If someone doesn't align, you don't have to try to change them in order for you to be chosen. You can make a choice for yourself and walk away with dignity. So let's start by getting something straight. And here's the thing. I don't want us to use terminology to like self identify. I don't want. When I say people pleaser, you'd be like, I'm a people pleaser. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. You might have tendencies. But I wanted to just talk about like the cool girl or guy. Right? We hear about all the time. Do you want to know why the cool girl, the cool guy, the nice girl, the nice guy finish last? It's because they're one dimensional. People find it really sexy when you say no, when you have an opinion, when you push back. People don't want someone that's just always accommodating, doesn't have any needs because they're not nuanced, they're not complex and there's no emotional depth. What you want, I want that becomes really old when the person that you're with is looking for a goddamn adult, not a child that they have to take care of. And I'm not saying you need to be like argumentative, but what I am saying is it's really hot to go. I don't want to do that. No, that doesn't work for me. I don't like that. This is what I need in a relationship. That just shows that you really know yourself. Because it's really hot when you're like, I want you in my life, but I don't need you. And I'm getting to make choices about that because people pleasing isn't being a good partner. It's not about being kind, it's not about being loving. It's a trauma response. And until we understand that, you're going to keep confusing self abandonment with love and thinking. But I'm doing it, but I'm giving them everything. And you know, I'm. I'm just not asking for a lot. And honestly, what it is, it's. There's a term in psychology, as some of you guys know, called fawning. And so it was coined by therapist Pete Walker, and he describes it as the fourth trauma response along. Fight, flight and freeze. Right? Fight, literally flight, leave, freeze, and now fawn. So fawning is when you seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. So you abandon your own needs, your preferences, your boundaries, because somewhere along the way you learned that having needs was dangerous. So what does Walker say? Walker says that fond types act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. I want you to hear that again. The price of admission is giving up on yourself. And I know for me, I have a narcissistic father and a people pleasing mother. My mom learned just play small. My mom fawns. That's like her, her baseline. That's why growing up I learned, oh my God, maybe there is something wrong with me. Like she's not saying anything, she's not fighting back, she's not bringing it up. Because when you have a narciss, narcissist in the home where everything is about them and the world revolves around them, then anything you do is too much. Any need you have is up. See, there I am. And that's where we come up with this. I'm too much and I'm not good enough. And all those, those are core beliefs and typically those are developed in childhood. Again, if you grew up with a parent who was emotionally volatile, perhaps narcissistic, unpredictable, you learned the way to keep you safe was to keep them happy, to anticipate their needs, to make yourself small and easy so you don't have any trouble. It worked then. It kept you safe when you were a kid with no other opt options. But you're not a child anymore, you're an adult now. And that same strategy that was protecting you is actually destroying your relationships because you're hoping that people are going to choose the version of you that you think they're going to like. And that's what I mean by do you know what makes it really sexy when you go out on a date? You know what makes somebody call their friends going, that person was special was that they're unique, right? Like, I have so many friends, but they'll go on dates and they're like, I'm looking for just somebody that's really confident in who they are. I want someone quirky and fun and it's like, that's somebody that's healthy, that Wants someone else that's healthy versus somebody that might be narcissistic. They love that you don't have boundaries. They love that they can manipulate and control you. They love that you're going to blame yourself and completely shut down and do everything that they need by the time this comes out. This might be a faux pas like last week. But like the Diddy documentary, if anybody's watched it or knows the story, like poor Cassie, that was the epitome of a fawn response. That girl was, she was groomed. That girl didn't stand a chance with the guy that she was dealing with in the people. That poor thing. My heart goes out to her. But that's what happens is that the people, like we have to remember, people ask all the time, how do narcissists get away with it? How do they get away with it? Is because we allow it. Somebody comes in grandiose and charming and everything and we don't set boundaries. We don't say no. We. Yep, yep. Love it. Love it. And then they start the, the devalue stage where then they start to be passive aggressive, they start to make comments and you're sitting there because your self esteem is low. Oh my God, maybe they're right, but they love me, right? That's why they're doing this. And then comes the disc. Have no more use for you because they got what they needed and you're left a shell. And how do we combat that? We come home to ourselves. We set boundaries, we say no and we see if that pisses them off. Good, then get the out of my face because I'm not going to let you change my mind about how I view myself just to make you feel better. That's the shit I deal with in my content. That's why I set really firm boundaries even in the center. I'm like, you want something, got to pay for it, right? Like, I don't, I don't allow people to tell me who I'm going to be. Then they're just out. So what does it look like in dating and relationships? When you're fawning, you will say yes. When you mean to say no, you're pretending to like things you could give a about. Like if you don't care about sports, stop pretending you care about it. You're suppressing your opinions to avoid conflict, right? You're going along with the plans you don't want to do. You're not speaking up when something bothers you. You're changing yourself to fit into what they want. And what they will like. And you're making yourself smaller to make them more comfortable. You're being the cool girl, the easy partner, the cool guy. You just never rock the boat. But the reality is you've been lying to yourself this whole entire time. You think this makes you, like, lovable, right? I'm being easy. I'm being flexible. Go with the flow, right? That was the episode. I'm no trouble. That's what somebody wants. But what you're actually doing is they're not choosing you. They're choosing the performance. They're choosing the version of you that doesn't exist because you're trying to get them to like you. You're not actually showing up authentically. And when you inevitably cannot keep that up, you can't pretend forever. When you finally express a need or set a boundary, they're conf. They fell for someone who doesn't complain, who doesn't need anything, who doesn't cause problems. And now all of a sudden, you have feelings. Who the fuck are you? I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong, but you set yourself up for that. It's not because you're bad or wrong, but because you were never honest about who you are. Because taking up that space feels terrifying. Because someone along the way told you that it was wrong. And now I get to tell you it's not. You have permission to fucking be big. Take up the space again. They don't like it. Good. Go find less. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Guys, I know New Year, new you is such a ring, but what if we change that to New Year, Lighter you. That way instead of chasing a newer version, we can let go of what's weighing you down instead. I know for me, I am ready to let go of those core beliefs. I am ready to let go of the things that are keeping me back in my career, in my personal life, and in all facets of life. And I am doing that with BetterHelp. Signing up for therapy with Better Help can shine a light on what's been heavy and illuminate all all the possibilities for the year ahead. My favorite part, Better help. Does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? You do a quick short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience. An industry leading match fulfillment rate means you typically get it right the first time. And if you're not happy, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. Guys, you can't step into A lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you. You clear the space. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better. H E L P.com Sabrina so the research studies show that people with anxious attachment are more likely to suppress their needs to maintain connection. They'll accept less than they want because proximity feels safer than honesty. But here's what the research also shows. Need suppression predicts lower relationship satisfaction over time. So it builds resentment. It guarantees the relationship won't meet your needs because you never told them what your needs needs were. And you're not even being honest with yourself about what your needs are. And what's the cost of that? You're exhausted, constantly performing. You get resentful that they don't see you. You're lonely inside a relationship. And I know that because I used to be like, oh, they choose me, I'm in. And then I was more alone than I was just being alone. You're going to attract people who are comfortable with you not having needs, which is a red flag, by the way. And you never know if they actually love you or just what you need do for them. And that's why fawning can be a dangerous place to be. I have people pleased my way through my 20s. You said jump. I said, oh, hi. I remember this One guy, this DJ, he text me at 2 in the morning, come over. Guess who did. Guess who walked 15 blocks or like 10 blocks in New York City alone at 2 in the morning and lied to my mother about where I was going. I told her that somebody was outside bringing me something. She was half asleep. She didn't even hear me. I went slept with him and then he said, okay, you can go now. And I walked home because I thought like, oh, how sexy. Look at this that we're playing. No, this wasn't role playing. He didn't respect me and I didn't respect myself. And this is exactly what we work on in the Healthy Dating foundation course because most of us don't even realize we're doing this. We think we're being good partners when we're actually just abandoning ourselves. And this course helps you identify your patterns, understand where they came from, and actually start doing something different. So if you're tired of losing yourself in relationships, this is for you. Link in the show notes or Sabrina Zohar.com join today. You get meditations, you get worksheets, you get guided. You get everything you possibly could need and lifetime access so if you guys want to work with me still taking clients, you can ask a question. I just need to set the record straight. I do not answer emails asking for free advice. I do not answer DMs. That's like me saying, oh, do you go to work for free? Yeah, you just, you help customers and do things all day. You don't need to get paid, right? And it's like, this is my time, this is my career. So that's the boundary I set. I have so much free content, it's ad nauseam. But if you want more, if you want the rubrics, if you really want everything that you need in order to start to make the changes, if you don't have them, check out the course and check out all the resources. And if not, thanks for being here. All I ask is you just rate and review the show. That's it. That's it. No one's asking. If you want ad free, there is the option for you if you guys don't want to listen to the ads, and if not, thanks for being here. It's a free show. This is a great example. In the past, I would never have done that. I would never have stepped up because I'm like, you're going to lose people, you're going to annoy people, you're going to piss people off, you're going to get people that don't like you. And it's like, good, because those people would benefit from the fact that I don't have boundaries, that I don't respect myself. And if I don't respect myself, who's going to, who's going to stand up for me? Nobody. So don't forget that. So let's talk about a word you're probably not going to like. When you're fawning, you're also conflict avoidant and it's killing your relationships. Because a lot of people, I don't want to say anything. I don't want to be too much. I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to push them away. Let me ask you this, if you telling somebody your needs pushes them away, then what the are you losing? Besides somebody who doesn't respect you for what it is that you need? If you opening up and telling somebody how you feel sends them running good, let me open the door so that you don't waste any more of my goddamn time. Because me showing up authentically is how we create a safe relationship, not me performing for you to choose me. So people pleasing and conflict avoidance go hand in hand. If you can't have needs, you definitely can't fight for them, baby. And if you can't fight for them, you can't actually be in a real relationship. Because I know that there's one coach, I don't like to name names, but she's full of and she boasts in her profile, seven year relationship, zero fights. And I said, that's not anything to be proud of. Because then that means no one's spe, no one has a need and no one's saying anything. I don't find that like, oh my God, you've never had a fight. I'm not saying you should argue, but disagreements, fights, like, that's totally real and normal. Conflict, regulate, repair. That is the key here. It's not about perfection. And I think, like I, I actually had a client that wrote in saying this and it's really real. And she said, I was dating this guy and when everything was good, was good, the minute we'd have a disagreement, he would say, oh, well, this isn't the right relationship. And it's like, that's a fallacy that we've been sold. If you think relationships aren't going to trigger you, piss you off, you're not going to have conflict, you're not going to have kind of repair, then you're not in a relationship, you're in a performance. Because maybe that's what you were taught in childhood, that any kind of conflict, someone raising their voice meant, oh God, I'm going to get in trouble. But you're not a kid anymore, you're an adult now. You get to use your voice. How are you going to use it? How are you going to use it? So conflict avoidance, what does it actually do? Well, it's not helping you. And I know you think avoiding conflict keeps the peace and you're going, oh, I'm going to keep them happy and I'm going to protect the relationship. But let's talk about what research shows, because it shows the exact opposite. This episode is sponsored by osea. I'm not trying to anti age, but baby, I am trying to gracefully age. And that includes taking care of myself at all times and my sleep. And for me, sometimes unwinding at night is tough. So that's why tech Guy and I have our skincare routine that we do together. And it really helps connect us. And we've incorporated OSEA into that. And my favorite part is the OCA's Dream Collection that's really helped change an up level or nighttime skin routine. So osea's Dream Night Serum and Dream Night Cream are clinically tested formulas powered by bioretinol and designed to reduce the visible effects of stress on skin while you sleep. It's also really lightweight and feels really beautiful. So you can go to sleep and just then you get to give your skin a rest. You get to say goodbye to dryness, dullness, wrinkles, and a lack of firmness. And this is something both of us do together because we love to find connecting points. And that's something you can do too, whether it's alone or with your partner. So now you can give your skin a rest with clean, clinically tested skin care from osea. And right now we have a special discount just for our listeners. Get 10% off your First Order site wide with code Sabrina ocamalibu.com There was a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, and it found that conflict avoidance, what they call withdrawal, actually triggers more aggression and demand from your partner. So when you withdraw, they escalate. Your avoidance creates the very conflict you are trying to prevent. And notice how, I'm not saying it's avoidant attachment. No, because anxious people are also avoidant. And now we know that. Right? And both partners end up less satisfied. That's just so. Another study found that couples who avoid conflict have lower relationship satisfaction than couples who engage in it directly. The avoiding isn't protecting anything. It's eroding the foundation. You're not actually helping yourself. And for a lot of people, they do this because it's the same reason we people please. Conflict feels dangerous. It activates your nervous system. Especially if you grew up in a home where conflict meant screaming, violence, abandonment, or the silent treatment. Your body learned that conflict is a threat, so you'll avoid it at all costs. You swallow your feelings, you let things slide. You tell yourself, God, it's not a big deal. Your gas sliding yourself. Oh, God, come on. Pick your battles. Which is right. But you're not picking your battles, you're forfeiting all of them. Trust me, I have times where I'm like, do you want to choose violence today and rage him? No, no, it's not worth it. Versus other times where I'm like, staying silent is only going to get you to explode. It doesn't help because how is my partner going to know how to support me if I don't communicate? People constantly say that I want a healthy and secure relationship. Do you know what makes a relationship healthy and secure? That you have the hard conversations. That's what makes it healthy, is that you're not hiding things, you're not fawning, you're not people pleasing, and you're not back into old patterns. What makes it healthy isn't the absence of conflict. What makes it healthy is the safety to face it head on together and to regulate and then repair so that you could move on stronger and feeling more seen with this person. And I used to think the opposite. And I get it even sometimes, like, if I make a video where I'm really direct, people be like, why are you yelling at me? And it's like, listen, I don't know if your parents had Botox and you didn't see facial expressions. I don't know if in your household, the minute someone raised their voice, you were in trouble. But this isn't anyone yelling at you. You. This is called being blunt and direct. And when we consistently internalize it of like, oh, my God, you're being mean, it's like, no, you just didn't learn that people are allowed to have different intonations. It doesn't mean anyone's in trouble. That just means that they're expressing themselves in a different way. Unless I'm being rude and disrespectful, which I'm not, then it's a different story. So when you avoid conflict, what does that communicate? My needs don't matter. Your comfort is more important than my truth at all costs. I don't trust you to handle my real feelings, so I'll keep them down. I don't trust us to survive this disagreement. And I'm not fully here, here that I know you might be like, no, that's not. No, that's what. Psychologically, it actually is. You avoid conflict to keep them, but avoidance pushes them away. Or. Or you'll get yourself into hot water in a relationship that's incredibly toxic and unhealthy for you because you're not standing up for yourself. Real intimacy requires honesty. Real honesty. It does. It creates friction. It can. If you can't tolerate quick friction, you can't have depth. Because the couples who last aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who know how to repair, who they can say the hard things and come back together. If you've never had a real fight, you probably never had real intimacy either, because how are you gonna have depth? It's okay for you to disagree. That's okay. You're allowed to go, no, right? What does that look like? What does healthy conflict actually look like? Hey, that thing that you said really bothered me, or I need to talk about something that's been on my mind. Do you have the space for that? Hey, can I share something with you? I feel hurt when you did that. That. Oh, no, I disagree with you on this. Or I need something different from you. Can I share that? I know it might feel terrifying if you're conflict avoidant, but they're the building blocks of a real connection. Because how else, right? I remember when I first went to Ryan. I'll never forget this. I was laying by the pool and I called my mom. I can't remember. Honestly, I can't remember. It's been three years now. I don't remember exactly what the, like, specificity of it was, but I remember there was something that he was doing. I just, like, wasn't stoked on, and it didn't make me feel good. And I called my mama and I said, mom, I'm scared. She said, sab, what are you scared of? And I said, I'm scared if I say something, he's going to walk away. And she said, well and good then. This wasn't your person. You have every right. She said, he's not your father. You can tell him how you feel. I'll Never forget he FaceTimed me and I was sitting there and I was all nervous and I remember saying it and just like, bracing for impact. And he went, thank you so much for telling me that. I had no idea. And that really, you're right, that was absolutely inappropriate and I need to take full accountability and ownership for that. What is it that you need from me? And I was like, panties drop. I was like, ah. What? You just, like, validated my experience. You just told me that it's like, what? And that brought us closer. Because then I was like, oh, he's safe. I can go to him with things. I can be vulnerable. And then he was. And then that's how our relationship has been. So I'm saying people all the time will be like, you told Ryan that? I'm like, yeah, why wouldn't I? Even my therapist, she's like, wow, you're. I appreciate it. She's like, we don't even have to pretend anything. I was like, I. I will tell him everything directly. I will be the first to say, I'm not going to stay in a relationship if this doesn't make any sense or if we realize we're at the end of the road. To me, part of being in a healthiest and secure relationship is also knowing it can end. That's what makes it healthy, is that I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life. And if I'm making those choices, what makes it unhealthy is I'm not going to be okay without them. Notice that. So let's talk about the willing to leave. Because to me, this was the hardest thing for me to accept. Because for me, if I acknowledged that the relationship wasn't working for me, then I also had to acknowledge that I now get to make choices of what it is that I want to do. And if I get to make choices about what it is that I want to do, that was really scary because I never got to do do that. This episode is sponsored by hungryroot. I know New Year's resolutions can be tough and oftentimes we say I'm going to eat better, I'm going to eat clean, I'm in a meal prep and then we don't end up doing any of it. And that's why I love Hungry Root because Hungry Root basically works like a personal nutrition coach and a shopper in one. So they do the planning, the recommending and shopping everything for you. They take care of the weekly grocery shopping. They recommend healthy groceries tailored to your taste, nutrition preferences and health goals. For me, sometimes tech guy and I, we're just not creative. And so we'll get the pre planned meal so it comes with a recipe and all the produce. Other times we'll just go and get like tons of meat and we'll get bison, we'll get like some chicken, we'll get some beef. And the best part is unlike what you'd find in grocery stores, there's no junk ingredients in any of Hunger Root's food. So they only source high quality meat and seafood with no hormones or antibiotics. Take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina. That's hungryroot.com Sabrina. Code Sabrina arena and get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. So there's a concept in sociology called the principle of least interest. And it was developed by sociologist Willie Willard Waller in 1938 and the research has supported it ever since. So the principle states in any relationship, the person who is least invested has the most power. This might sound cynical, but like just bear with me for a second. Sprecher and colleagues did a longitudinal study on this. They found found that the less emotionally invested partner perceived themselves as having more Control over the relationship. And couples with unequal emotional investment had lower satisfaction and were more likely to break up. So in layman's term, what the does that mean for you? This is not about playing games. It's not about pretending you don't care. It's not about being emotionally available. It's about this. If you're incapable of leaving, you have no power. It's not power over them, Power over yourself. Power to protect yourself, Power to hold. Hold boundaries. So why do you think you can't walk away? Let's talk about that. Be honest. Why can't you leave? Situations that aren't working for me, it was really scary. I was, I was terrified of being alone. I was terrified of not finding somebody else. I was terrified of the pain of loss and having to go through that or being seen as a failure or the fear of confrontation or my low self worth, right? Like this is all I deserved, my attachment wounds, right? I'd rather be breadcrumb than get nothing. But what happens when you can't leave? Like really, what, what does that mean? You'll accept treatment that doesn't match worth. You'll stay in situationships hoping that they change. You're like, maybe, maybe tomorrow you'll tolerate disrespect, inconsistency, breadcrumbs. You become a hostage to the relationship instead of participant. People sense that you won't leave and they treat you accordingly. That's why when you guys ask like, but they're doing all this on the other wine. It's like because you're allowing it. You're allowing it and we have to look at the energy. It's different than threatening to leave. It's different than being avoidant. It's different than having one foot out the other. It's a quiet knowing I will leave if this doesn't meet my needs. Not because I don't love you, but because I love myself enough to require certain things. I love myself more than the need to be loved by other people. People feel that energy. They feel when you respect yourself. They feel when you're choosing them versus oh my God, am I trapped? And what changes? What changes when you can walk away? You stop accepting breadcrumbs and you speak up because you're not afraid of the consequence. You're more afraid of losing yourself. You're honest because you'd rather be alone than with someone who can't handle your truth and your personality. You attract people who rise to meet you instead of people who sense you won't leave and you're actually chose in instead of just tolerated. This applies to every relationship, whether it be friendship, doesn't matter. You don't stop needing this skill once you're in a committed relationship. Because if you can't advocate for yourself in a relationship, you'll slowly disappear inside of one. Being willing to leave doesn't mean you want to leave. It means you're not willing to abandon yourself to stay. And there's a big difference. That's why I say, and I'm honest with you guys, that Ryan and I talk about it all the time. I'm like, hey, if this is the end of the world road, that's okay. I'm not going to hide that from you guys because again, that's what makes this healthy and secure is that both of us are saying, every day I make a choice. Every day I'm choosing you. I'm not here because I have to be. I'm not here because there's nothing else. I'm here because I genuinely want to see if we have something here. And that's what Ryan and I are in therapy and we're trying to figure out, like, do we see emotions the same way? Do we connect in the same ways? Do we have things to connect with over besides work? And we've said, I'm giving it another few months. And like, if I realize, hey, I'm feeling alone in this relationship, I'm just not feeling like we're compatible in that way, that will be two adults that make that decision. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm willing to walk if this isn't right for me. Not because I don't love him, but because I love myself more than the need to be. It's like in Samantha, I love you, Richard, but I love me more. It's a really beautiful place to be. And this is the deeper work, right? Understanding why you can't walk away, what beliefs are underneath it, what you're really afraid of. We get into all of this in the Healthy Dating foundation course. So if you know this is your pattern, but you don't know how to change it, that's what the course is for. So sabrinasour.com or link in show notes, baby. All right, let's start talking about how to actually start building this muscle. I told you, babies, if you stick around to the end of the episode, you get some tools. So how do you actually change this? How do you go from someone who can't walk away to somebody who finally can? Well, I am going to give you somewhere to start. But I want to be honest, this is deep work. It's not. This isn't hacking. This is a rewiring of years of patterning. You're not going to fix this from a podcast episode, but you can start becoming aware to fucking day. So the first thing notice when you're self abandoning. Like most of us don't even realize we're doing it. It's so automatic. And so we have to start to pay attention to the little nuance, right? When do you say yes but you actually mean no? I did that today. I was supposed to get dinner with someone and I was just like, no, no, I'm not going to sit in traffic for an hour each way. I'm not going to fucking do this. I have to be up at 6am for a thing like I'm not doing it. And I have no problem saying no, even if it disappoints people like what we've said. Am I being hurtful or harmful? Am I hurting your feelings? I can afford to do that. Or am I harming myself or you? That's a different story. When do you swallow something that bothered you? You're bubbling but you're like, just put it. Just stop. When do you change your opinion to match theirs? When do you make yourself smaller? Self awareness is the first step. But you can't change what you can't see. So first we have to just notice. Second step. Now we need to look at the why, what's underneath the hood. It's not about judging yourself, it's about understanding yourself. I want you to ask yourself a couple of questions to start to get really curious, serious. The first one, what am I afraid will happen if I speak up? And it's okay, guys, there's transcripts at the bottom of wherever you listen. Apple and Spotify. And if you want to scroll down, you can stop and journal while we're doing this. You don't have to listen if we're driving. Of course it's a different story, but feel free, right? What am I afraid will happen if I speak up? What did I learn about having needs growing up? For me, it wasn't safe to. What do I believe will happen if I'm too much? Are they going to leave me? Right? And what am I trying to protect myself from? The answers are typically like, unusually. Abandonment, rejection, conflict, being alone. But once you see the fear, you can start to work, work with it. And then the third step, which is really important, we gotta start small. You don't have to Blow up your relationship tomorrow. But we can start with small acts of honesty. So maybe you say, I'd prefer this instead of whatever you want. Or you can be like, that bothered me instead of pretending it didn't. Or, I need some time to think about this instead of immediately agreeing. Right. You're. You could say that. Or I don't love that idea instead of just going along with it. I know that these feel huge when you're not used to them, but they're a training wheels. They're just little things that we could start to do. And then the most important part for me, you gotta start to tolerate the discomfort. When you start being honest, it's gonna feel really weird. Your nervous system is gonna freak out. You're gonna feel like you did something wrong, and you might lose people. That's the thing. But this is where most people stop. The discomfort feels like proof. See, I shouldn't have spoken up. I knew it. See, they left and it's like, but then again, what are you losing? The discomfort is not a sign you did something wrong. It's a sign that you did something new. And we don't grow unless we're uncomfortable. Comfortable. You have to tolerate the discomfort long enough to see that nothing bad happens. That's how you rewire. You don't become confident because you have proof that it's going to work. You become confident because once you do it, you realize you didn't die. And you're like, oh, I got this, dude. So fine. And it's also really important to remember you're going to have to lose people that benefited from the versions of you that didn't have any boundaries. That's the important part. And I want you now to watch how they respond. This is important because when you start showing up differently, I want you to pay attention to how other people respond. The right person will meet you, you there. They might be surprised, but they might just need to adjust. But they'll respect it and like, okay, thank you for sharing the wrong person. They're going to punish you for having needs. They might withdraw. They might get angry. They're going to make you feel like you're crazy for asking. They're going to deflect. They're going to gaslight. They're not going to take accountability. And their response tells you everything you need to know about whether this is a relationship that can hold the real you. And that was a reality. That was a reality when I was trying to change the way I did dated. I was rebuilding myself, trust, evidence that I Could advocate for myself that I could survive their reaction. Evidence that I wouldn't abandon myself no matter what. That's how I got into my relationship. This is what makes you capable of real love. It's not the performance, it's the realness. That's how you can actually connect with people and they feel like they're connecting with you. So tool of the week, right? I gave you some steps, but let's kind of recap everything. People pleasing and conflict avoidance isn't love. It's a trauma response that keeps you invisible, visible and fawning. Conflict avoidance doesn't protect the relationship, it erodes them. I'm actually wondering if maybe I need to do a series on the different. Let me know if you guys want that. Put it in the comments. If you want a series on the different nervous system like fight flight, Freeze Fawn. Your inability to walk away isn't loyalty. It's just keep you from fully being chosen, especially from your self. And the work is learning to stay with yourself even when it's uncomfortable, even when you're scared, even when you don't know what will happen. That's what makes you capable of the love that you actually want and deserve is your ability to walk away if you don't get it. So tool of the week, the self abandonment. Check in at the end of every day this week I want you to ask yourself these three questions. Don't skip over them. The first one, did I say yes, what I meant to say no today? The second one, did I swallow something that bothered me? And the third, did I change myself to fit what I thought someone wanted? Do not judge the answers, just notice them, write them down and then. And then at the end of the week, let's look at the patterns. What situations triggered that self abandonment, what relationships? What are you afraid of? Awareness baby, is the first step. You cannot change what you can't see. But we also don't need to use this as excuses and therapy talk to avoid the accountability. So guys, I'm really proud of you. We did it. Don't forget if you want to go deeper on this, if you want the actual tools to rewire your patterns, the Healthy Dating foundation course is open. This is a the work learning to stay with yourself while also being connection with someone else. The link is in the show notes as always guys. And like I said, if you want to work one on one, join a course, ask a question, profile, audit, whatever you guys need. There's some free guides in the link in show notes or sabrinasoheart.com and as always, I'm just grateful for you guys. Don't forget to rate. Review the show, share it with a friend. And just thank you for being here, thank you for being part of the family, and I'll see you next week, babes. Sam.