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Hey, it's Brooklyn Adams and I'm partnering with Abercrombie to tell you about the newest drop from their active brand. Your personal best YPB leggings are made with buttery soft fabrics that hug you in all the right places. And common Abercrombie's viral curve Love fit designed to eliminate waist gap, paired with sports bras and super soft sweatshirts, it's activewear that supports every part of my busy lifestyle and gives me my best butt ever. Head into the new year feeling your personal best shop Active by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores. Olivia Culpo here to tell you all about the launch of the new Abercrombie spring denim collection. Made the way denim should feel. Their denim has always been a staple in my wardrobe and has a wide range of fits, styles and washes. Every jean is available in both their classic fit and viral curve Love Shop in the app, online and in stores. For a lot of us not trusting ourselves, feeling uncertain and dating has felt like a baseline. And I know for years I struggle with that. And today we're going to get down to the bottom of it because trusting yourself and being able to sit in the discomfort is truly how you're going to build the connection that you're dreaming of because it's on the other side of that discomfort. And we're going to go through that. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. We're in the trenches today, babes. We are doing it. I love today. I got your questions. You guys wrote in. So you know what? Fuck it. Without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, babes. I'm stoked, guys. Today we chose a questions and an episode really survived surrounding uncertainty and not trusting yourself. Because, like, I know for years I didn't trust myself in dating. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I didn't trust my gut, which, God, I. I'm excited for the book to come out because then you guys will read stories that I can share with you later on to why. But if nobody ever taught you how to TR yourself, how to listen to that real like that inner voice, it's going to be tough. So we're going to go through that today. And guys, as always, thank you for being here. Thank you for joining. For anyone that's new, welcome to the show and anyone that's returning, welcome back. And guys, as always, if you need anything? Everything's@sabrina zohar.com you can join the Healthy Dating foundation course which goes over all of the tools that you're going to need to build a healthy and solid foundation within yourself so you can show up differently in dating. You can work one on one. Ask a question. No, you cannot DM or email in a question. You can get one@sabrina zohar.com or you could just be here. And please don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend, subscribe, follow along. All of the things. I can't tell you how much it means. Even just leaving a heart in the comments wherever you listen changes the game for me. So thank you guys for being part of the community and welcome to the family. So for anyone that's new in the trenches is really our opportunity to connect. So if you guys email in the trenchesabrinazohar.com that is the only way to be featured on the podcast. Now do not send anything else to that email. It's not going to get read. But if you want, send your screenshots, send your text, send your messages, send your profiles. We're going to do a dating app profile audit. Send it all to us. This show is only as good as what you guys send to us. So I'm excited and I'm stoked. Guys, let's get into it. Okay, here we go. Hey, Sabrina, I found your podcast recently after seeing your social media post pop up on my Facebook and TikTok pages. I've been working through listening to old episodes and I thought I would write in for you for thoughts on the situation I found myself in the past few months. I love it. I'm so excited. Okay, so guys, don't forget, follow along Sabrina underscore Zohar on YouTube, Sabrina Zohar on TikTok or Instagram, and the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram and Facebook. So you guys can follow along and watch some shorts if you want. All right, I'm a 43 year old woman and I've been involved in a flirtatious something with a younger male coworker. He's 31, but I'm not sure where I stand with him. Okay, I'm not going to even like finish the sentence before I go on and say I really am not stoked on this whole dating co workers thing. Now I get it. Sometimes you got a hottie with a body and it's really sexy and it's really fun. I haven't read these questions, by the way. These are all new to me as we go along in the trenches. I don't read any of these ahead of time. Ryan chooses them and then you get my natural this. You get the this that everyone's coming for. But I, I just, I hear it every single day of like now I can't even be around my co worker. Now I feel uncomfortable with my co worker. I don't know what to do now. Again, I don't know what this email says. We're gonna get to it, but please just be really con cognizant and careful when you're involving hr, when you're involving something that like, we don't know what's going to happen. You have to see this person every day and bitch, that's your livelihood. This isn't just like a gym that you can choose a different time. You gotta go back there every day. That's the only thing I'll say because you guys ask all the time, what do I think about dating a co? I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Unless you're in completely different divisions, you never have to see this person. They are not your higher up. But like if they are anybody that you need to see on a daily basis or, or, or, or somebody that you have to interact with consistently and that like, think of future you. It's my favorite DBT practice. Think of the version of you that's gonna feel like when you have to see this person, think of the person. What are you going to feel if this doesn't work out? That's all I'm saying. Because again, don't know what happened. But for anybody, if you're going to start in a workpl, have some real conversations of like, hey, if this doesn't work out, what are we gonna do? Are you sure that you're ready for something? Like, I know a lot of you guys are scared to ask that stuff and it shows because then we get ourselves into situations that we don't know how to get out of. So I say that with love and let's keep going. Okay. He was my new co worker last year and he and I hit it off right away. We have similar sense of humor, like many of the same shows and movies, and we have a lot of things we can talk about. My work in home life was a bit chaotic at the time, so I didn't give it much thought romantically until last spring when I suddenly realized how cute he is. And then he also seemed to be flirting with me. In hindsight and upon taking a Few talking to a few co workers. I'd probably been missing that he was flirting with me for quite a while over our summer break. He and I went into a group setting one time, staying and talking until 2am until everyone else left and we had a pool at day at my house. But other than that text, I didn't hear from him or see him again until work started back up in the fall. Since then we have gone out for drinks, had dinner once more, but I wasn't entirely sure it was a date so I don't know if I would if I were sharing I like you and ask me out vibes and he wasn't hasn't asked me out again since. We see each other every day. He often spends time with me during any free time we have at work and he continues to be flirtatious with me, complimenting how I look inside, jokes, little touches here and there, hugs when I'm having a bad day. But I'm not sure where I stand with him beyond friendship. He is self confessed terrible texter, so there was not always a lot of conversation going on that way. And being newer to the workplace of employment than I am, he spends a lot of his free time working. I feel like he is giving me signs that he's interested in me romantically, but he hasn't. Isn't acting on it beyond asking me out for drinks and dinner that one time two months ago. Am I misconstruing his friendship as attraction? Is he waiting for me to say something or act upon his flirtation in a more direct way, like asking about myself? My natural instinct is to jump into having a what is this type of conversation? But that has not worked for me in the past. So I'm trying to be a more go with the flow. For the record, I do not have believe the age gap is an issue, especially given how much we have in common. But I also don't think any hesitation has to do with us being co workers. What are your thoughts? All right, let's talk. So we have a few things here. We're projecting some old stuff of like I've gone into it with like what are we conversations. Okay, but. But that's the issue is like you're coming into this as asking people what they what is it they want. So instead the alternative is I'm gonna go with the flow. Let me ask you a question. How's that working? How is that working? And you're making assumptions here. I don't think it has to do with our age difference, but we don't know that. You're 43. He's 31. It might not be, but it might be. Maybe. He says, in five years, I want to have kids, and your response is, okay, well, that's probably not biologically possible for me. We could adopt, right? But, like, in five years, I'm going to be almost. I'll be 48, if not 50, if it's five to seven years. Because, like, that's the. That's the point here, is maybe it's about not being like, so what is this? But maybe it's about being honest with him. Of, like, hey, you want to grab a drink later? Like, let's. Like, I'd love to just catch up, right? Like, getting him to be like. Like getting out of the office and just saying, listen, I'm struggling to read this. I think you're really cute. I know that there's a sexual attraction here, but is this more than that? Are we just friends, or is this something you'd like to pursue because we're colleagues? I wanted to check in with you, see how you're feeling, and then have a conversation about it. Because if he says, oh, my God, I've been hoping you'd say that. I was scared to open up because I didn't know how you felt. Okay, cool. Have a conversation. If he says, oh, I'm sorry. I. I really think you're an amazing person. I saw you as a friend. Got it. You can be like, okay, cool. Thanks for letting me know. No worries. I remember I had a friend. I've shared this on other episodes, but in case, you know, we have a lot of new people here, so I want to make sure that I'm supporting everybody and not just assuming that you guys know because you're part of the family now. But I had this friend, and we met at a dinner, and it was like, oh, no. We met like a. At the park or some. It was like a friend was doing like a come watch the sunset and meet new people. And I couldn't read him, and he was super cute, and I had no idea. And I remember we were texting a ton that night, and he was like, come out. Back out for dinner. We go to dinner. I'm sitting next to him. He's talking to me the entire night, and I'm like, okay, this guy must like me getting kind of flirty, him telling me how pretty I am. And I remember he got really sick. And I was like, this one, I lived in Venice, and I was like, I'm gonna go to Erewhon. And he kept being like, don't buy me anything. Don't buy me anything. Please let me pay you back. Like, please, please, you don't need to do this. And I'll never forget I finally said hey. I left him a voice note and I said hey because we were supposed to meet up. And I was like, I don't really understand what this is. I said, are we just a friend vibe or is this more Because I'm really not reading it. And he said, I feel like it's a friend vibe. I said, no worries. Then, yeah, Venmo me back for the stuff I just bought you. And he chuckled. He's like, okay, cool. He was like, that's why I was pushing. I didn't want you to feel like this was romantic. I really appreciated that. Cool. We ended up being friends. No biggie. Like, no issue. I wasn't feeling romantic towards him. He wasn't feeling romantic towards me. He got a girlfriend. I moved on with my life. We moved on. Right. The moral of the story is like, imagine if I just kept going with the flow and hanging out with him. It's like, that's self abandonment. Because I understand you're not sure how to read it. Totally. But like, he's not exactly doing anything to give me the vibes that he wants anymore with you. Besides for the fact that like he's enjoying the workplace flirtation. That's what I'm getting. I could be completely wrong because I'm not a mind reader. I don't know. I don't know what this person wants. But what I will say is you're shooting yourself in the foot by going with the flow. That is actually an episode that we did a few weeks ago. That going with the flow is not a dating strategy. It's a self abandonment strategy. Because when you're going with the flow, like, I get it, you're saying that's not worked for me in the past. I'm trying to go with the flow. It's like, so because the way that you were doing it didn't work. So now we're going to go do the complete opposite. Instead of attuning and going, well, maybe the way I was doing it wasn't great. This episode is sponsored by AG1BABES. 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So go to drinkag1.com Zohar to get their best offer. You get a free ag1 flavor sampler and agz sampler to try all the flavors. Plus free vitamin D3 and K2 and ag1 welcome kit with your first ag1 subscription order. That's drinkag1.com ZohAR again drink ag1.com Zohar not to mention you're also He's a self confessed terrible texter. There's not a lot of conversation going on that I oh God, I will scream this from the rooftops and I will die in this hill. Someone's texting behavior is not a reflection of their intentions with you. I don't give a. I don't care if this person was. They just never really text me. Are they asking you out? Out? Are they making plans? Are they having conversations of depth? Are they pushing the conversation along? You can have someone text you every day for a month, a year, a week, it doesn't matter. And they could have zero intentions of wanting more with you. Or you could have someone that's not really texting you a lot. But here's the issue. They're not texting you. They're also not asking you out. They're also not progressing the relationship. They're also not facetiming you or making plans or meeting your friends and family. So what is texting? Texting is the lowest effort of the bunch. And yet that's the one that we're focusing on because it's a dopamine addiction loop. So. And you know, I say this with love saying, oh, he's not a big texture. It's like, okay, so is that it? So because he's not a big texter and he's flirting with then that you're just like up. Guess I It's like, no, no. For me, what I would say is, like, this sounds like a flirty workflow workforce thing. Now, again, I could be wrong. And you know what, Marie? Let me know if I am. Please write back in if you're like, guess what? I had a conversation with him and it ends up that he really likes me. Great. I hope I'm wrong. But based on what you shared, I think we are just reading into it more because he's not doing anything else. And here's the other reality. Here's the other reality. Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't know how to be honest, who doesn't know how to have a conversation with you, who doesn't know how to be transparent, who doesn't know how to go and get what it is that they want? Is that the person you want in a relationship with? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you're constantly questioning? What does this mean? What are their motives? You got to assemble the group chat to read through three text messages because they're keeping it vague for a reason. Is that the type of relationship that you want? And again, I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Please know this. And I don't think he's probably a nice guy. I don't give a. But it doesn't really sound like he's giving you anything. Again, it could be because you guys are colleagues, but I think you're doing yourself a disservice if you don't just say, either call him or like, I wouldn't do this via text, because text has no tone and you don't know what's going to happen. And it also gives proof that they could take to hr, you know what I mean? Like, I've heard of that. People sending stuff and then all of a sudden, the next day they get called into the office being like, hey, that's not appropriate. And you're like, oh, I didn't think about that. That. So all I would say is ask him for a drink. Be like, hey, wanna. Let's wanna link up tonight? Like, we haven't caught up in a minute. Let's go hang. And then just be honest with him. Of like, I don't know how to read this. And I. I'm not really interested in trying to play games. If we're friends, it's totally fine. I'm more than okay with that. But if this is more, I would love to pursue that, but only if we're gonna be intentional about it not if this is going to be an office fling because we have to see each other after it. This is where I say, like, having uncomfortable conversations is really important. Right? Self awareness without action is kind of right. If we're just super aware of all the things that we do, but we're not doing anything to bridge the gap, then we're just kind of repeating the same cycles over and over again. Now you get to choose something different. Choosing something different doesn't mean we just do the complete opposite of what we did. Choosing something different means that we touch base with ourselves to say, what is it that I need? You need clarity. You deserve clarity. You'd like to know what you guys are doing, then get it. Or you can decide if this doesn't work for you. But I'm just plain devil's advocate with you, baby, because I don't know. But I think it's interesting you're saying it given how much we have in common. I also don't think any hesitation has to do with us being co workers and the. You don't believe that the age gap is an issue at all, but you don't know that because you don't know. Does he want marriage and kids? Does he want someone of his same religious background? I don't know. I don't know what this person wants because y' all haven't talked about that. And again, it might be absolutely nothing. I have an age gaps thing on YouTube that I did that I Good luck. Godspeed. I don't give a what your age gap is as long as you're over the age of 18 and your prefrontal prefrontal cortex is developed. But the reason I say it could be an issue is because we don't know his future plans and if they align with your future plans, whatever those are, I back that 100. Have a conversation about it, talk about it and talk about all of it. Don't just have a like, oh, you like me? Okay, cool. Let's just flirt. It's like, no, no. If he says, I'd like to pursue this, cool. What does that mean? Are you okay with our age gap? Are you. Do you want kids? Because I would hate in two years. All of a sudden he's like, you know what? I realize I do. And you' you kidding me, dude? Like, I maybe that's not possible. I don't, I don't know, your health situation, whatever it is. Take up the space, baby. Take up the space. Okay, next question. Hi, Sabrina, fellow anxiously attached girly here. Hello, baby. I jumped back into the dating scene this past year after recovering from a divorce. Most of my past relationships, including the one with my husband, were emotionally abusive, constantly triggering me and making me feel like I wasn't good enough. After a few failed relationship attempts, I am now in a healthy relationship with someone that I'm crazy about. Oh, my God, I love. We've been dating for almost six months, although we were friends prior to that. A few weeks ago, I finally got the courage to tell him that I love him based on his actions. I thought he felt the same way, but he did not say it back. He said, not sure how to respond yet. I respect the fact that he might not be ready to say it yet, and I haven't brought it up since things have resumed back to normal. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overthinking things a bit. I've never been in this situation before, and now I feel pretty stupid for saying it. It also triggered my rejection sensitivity, and I keep panicking, thinking, he's leaving. Any advice on how to navigate this? Thanks. Love the podcast. You've been a huge help, Kirsten. Oh, angel, that's so real. And I get it. It is really scary because what happened is, like, you were vulnerable. You put yourself out there. You were vulnerable. You were honest. You were transparent. You were real. And he said, I don't know how to handle that. And he was honest. I don't know how to respond to that yet. And I get that. And I think what's happening is we're filling in the blanks with core beliefs, right? Of like, oh, it's because of me. He's gonna leave me. And it's like, maybe. The conversation is as follows. Hey, can I share something with you? I've been beating myself up recently because I said, I love you, and I genuinely thought maybe that you were at the same place. And then when you said, I don't know how to respond yet, I started getting really retrospective and internal and realizing, like, am I reading this right? Are we happy in the relationship? So I wanted to get curious and understand what is your hesitation with saying it and where are you? Where are you at? Because I'd love to hear how you're feeling. Do you notice how we're going in with. With one showing vulnerability again? You could say it how you want. You can reword this like, you don't have to follow how I say it, but what we're doing were showing authenticity and transparency of like, hey, I don't. I'm Struggling, Like, I. I don't really know what to say to this or, like, that kind of caught me off guard because I really thought we were on the same page. And then you're also going in with curiosity. I'd love to know. Like, I remember with Ryan, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said no. And he, like, stopped and was like, oh. And I said, but let me finish what I meant. And I said, I don't know you well enough. And I said, how about we go out to dinner? Give me the week. Let me get my thoughts together. Let's go out to dinner this weekend and talk. And I did that. We went out for dinner that weekend. And I said, I didn't just say no to say no. I said no because of X, Y, and Z. You know, you're really rigid and you're a lot more avoidant and you don't really open up. And for me, I don't know if that's gonna work for me. Like, I'm looking for somebody that is more emotional and has more depth and is really looking to connect in a different way. And he was like, okay, cool. Like, I gave a very clear rubric as to what my no was for. Now, if this person says, you know, maybe. Who knows? Like, we have to be really realistic and say that, that maybe it sparked him to start to think and go, huh? How do I feel about this person? Do I love this person? Am I there yet? He might. You would have the conversation and this person might say, I think you're awesome. I just. It takes me a while to say I love you, and, like, it just. It's not there yet. But please know I'm happy with the way the relationship is going and I'm really excited about what we're gonna have. Like, Right. It could be something really beautiful that you're like, oh, sweet. Okay, cool. Fear is gone. Maybe it opens up the conversation where they say, you know, I thought maybe I was there, but now I'm realizing I'm not. Who knows? Here's the thing. You'll get you what you want, which is him or what you is clarity. That, to me, is a win win. And I know it feels scary, but we have to look and say all of the, like, I feel like I'm not good enough, and the rejection sensitivity, but that's just saying. Then I'm going back to the childhood. And now if we're saying I'm going to make different choices, we can acknowledge that part and say, oh, my God, that does feel really Scary and sad and heavy. But this isn't mom or dad. This is a person that I'm dating as an adult. And if we both don't choose each other, that's okay. Then that just means that we're not in the right relationship for each other, because I want to be with people that we choose each other throughout. And then maybe we can look and say, how can we grow from this? Right? Like, if this is a really great relationship and it's super healthy, it's like, well, part of a healthy and secure relationship is having these conversations of, like, how are you feeling? What's coming up for you? How are you feeling about the relationship? Ryan and I did not talk about I love you before I said it. I said it to him, and I said it without thinking. I was like, I don't know if he's gonna say it, but I remember I. I took Molly, sorry, Sorry, mom and dad. And we were in the closet, and I don't know where. I just went, I love you. And he just was like, oh, my God. I love you too. I wanted to say it, but I was scared. And we were like, oh, my God, you were. And then we talked about it and we had, like, a whole Kumbaya moment. And then he threw up the next morning. It was great. But he got really. He drank a little too much that night, which we haven't done in a minute. I. I don't. But he did. This episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. Let's be real. Shopping is not as easy or fun as it sounds. Sure, maybe the act of it if you're with your friends, but do you ever wish someone would just tell you what to wear? Because sometimes I do. I am so busy, and I'm constantly looking for something else I can wear on set, something el. I can wear out with friends. Something else I can do that. And that's why I love Stitch Fix. Your stylist sends you clothes that fit your vibe, body and budget. So shopping without the hassle? Yes, please. So it's super easy. You take a quick style quiz. You share your size, style and budget, and get matched with a real human who gets your vibe. So I have Will. I love Will. He totally understands it. He just sent me the cutest, like, zebra print Daze jeans. Oh, my God. Even Tech Guy, he saw it and he was like, those are so you. You have to keep them. I love it because it's a fun surprise every time I the box. And I actually even got Tech Guy into Stitch Fix, too, because he's really difficult to shop for, so might as well make it easier. So get started today@stitch fix.com Sabrina and get 20% off your first order when you buy five or more items. That's stitchfix.com Sabrina this episode is sponsored by Butcherbox. My goals for this year are very simple. I need to eat more protein. And it's not just eating more protein. It's the right type of protein for me. My blood sugar gets all wonky, my hormones and my doctor is on me. And that's why I love Butcherbox. Because for over a decade, Butcherbox has led the industry with meat and seafood that's antibiotic free, hormone free, and independently verified. It's the clean, trustworthy protein you want to be eating, especially at the start of this year. We just got our butcher box the other day. Oh, my God. I have not heard tech guys squeal like that. And we had the filet last night for dinner. It was incredible. The quality is so amazing. And I know I'm getting the good stuff. I'm getting what I should be eating and ingesting, which is huge. Especially we're in a new year and you now get to change your routines. And that includes where you get your meat from, which is really, really important for your overall health and wellness. So as an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between filet mignon New York strip or chicken breast in every box for a year. That's right. Plus $20 off when you go to butcherbox.com Sabrina. That's right. Your choice of filet mignon, New York strip or chicken breast in every box for an entire year, plus $20 off your first box and free shipping always. That's butcherbox.com Sabrina. And don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you baby. But anyways. All right, back to the story. What I'm trying to say here is this. You're putting yourself out there and I'm really proud of you. You're doing what you can, but the reality is, like, there is no guarantee in dating. Being vulnerable, putting yourself out there, saying, I love you first. We don't know how it's going to end. But the point of this isn't to get a guarantee and certainty. The point of this is to show up differently than we have. And if you're doing that, then I'm really proud of you. But now we have to look and say, what am I going to do with the narrative in the story that's being created by somebody else's action? Or inaction that you have control over. You're going to be people that you might think they're amazing and that they don't feel the same with you. Their opinion of you does not change anything about your worth. And the second you start putting their rejection meaning anything about your worth is when we have now started to outsource instead of in source. You're a badass, you're amazing because you know who you are, not because somebody else is going to validate that for you. And so whatever the outcome is, whatever the outcome is, I'm really proud of you for trying something different. I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there. I'm proud of you for being aware of the rejection and the sensitivity. You're a human. I don't know anybody that wouldn't feel shitty after doing that. So let's normalize that. But the difference here is how are you gonna let this impact you? How are you gonna let this narrative and story created decide who the fuck you are that you get to choose? That's not up to him. All right baby, next question. Hey Sabrina, first and foremost, I love you. I love your direct, no bullshit approach to dating and advice you give. No sugar coating, just honest feedback. I wish you lived in SF instead of la. The city can't can handle you. You're awesome. These those haters. Fuck em. I'm with you baby. Honestly, can I just like take a quick second? I haven't shared this with you guys. Maybe I have and I forgot I'm a human too. To and Ryan and I did the and where he talked about losing his sister. She took her life four years ago and I shared about my dog that died and it was this overwhelming amount of love and people understanding our story. And then there was one and there was a person that said she's off, there's something wrong with her. She's. First of all she's comparing her losing her dog to his him losing his sister. I lost my dog and a week later I was fine and I cried for like 30 minutes after I read that and I since to this day have never looked at the comments again. And you know what really hurt? No one defended me. Nobody was in the comments being like, dude, that's really rude and that's okay, right? Like, please know I'm not angry with anybody for that. But that was the reality and I internalized that and I started to think like, dude, there's something wrong with you. You're off, you're sad, you're crying over your Dog. And it really got me. And so sometimes when you guys are really, really lovely to me, sometimes I don't know how to handle it. Because you're right. Fuck the haters. But those haters still hurt. And that's the thing, is what we were talking about in the question earlier. You're a human. It's normal to feel things. It's normal for things to hurt you. We have got to stop walking around on the fucking planet as if, oh, you're so weak for feeling pain. You're so weak for being hurt. No, that makes you a human. That makes you beautiful. That makes you complex. That makes you real. Please stop pretending that these things don't impact you, but how they impact you is up to you. I could have let that comment decide who I was, but instead I let myself cry. I let myself feel. And then I reminded myself who the I am. And that no troll, no person on a dating app, no stranger on the Internet, is ever going to tell me who the I am. And that is what I want you to carry. I don't care what these other people think of you. I care what you think of you. Because that's going to change the rest of your life. And that's going to determine the steps that you take. But please don't forget that whatever comes up is real. Your feelings are valid, but your reaction doesn't necessarily have to be, I could have canceled everything. I could have deleted everything in that moment and said, see that one person doesn't like me. But instead I said, what's in my choice? I don't need to look. I don't need to look. And here I am. Because I got to make that choice. And I get to stand up for a little SAP and say, you're right, there are people that are going to be mean. Them. Don't forget that. I love you guys. Okay, sorry, little segue of tears, but on to her sich. And also, thank you guys for letting this space be that for me. I don't stop enough to say how much I'm grateful for you guys. I don't even know who's listening to this at this point. There are so many days where I'm like, I thought that was a great episode, but maybe not. And there are other days where I'm like, I'm surprised that did really well, you know what? Doesn't matter any of that. That because we're creating the safe space together of all of us showing up authentically as to who we are and what we deserve. And I don't really care whether this is your first time listening, your last time, or anyone in between. I'm grateful for you and I. I truly wouldn't be here without you. So thank you for allowing me to show up authentically and creating the space for you too. As well. Okay. Ten years ago, I was in an open relationship with a man, we'll call him M. Who is a self described avoidant sex addiction. Oh, we love that. He was in a 12 step program, was doing the work to the extent he could, had a sponsor, he sought out escorts for sex work. We were only together for one year, but it was an intense year. For the first three months we were inseparable. But as you could imagine, one things got real. He distanced and retreated. He broke our open relationship agreements, he ogled women in front of me. And regardless of how disrespectful I told him it felt to me, he continued to do it. Just before we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. He stepped out. He stepped up for me during that time and we did what we had to do to take care of the situation. He was there for me a thousand percent. He's a good man. He's just. And he's just not an available partner. After we broke up, you know, it's so interesting. What's interesting for me is that like, we still whitewash it with like, he's a good guy, he's a good person. And it's like, I'm not saying he's a bad person, but we're really quick to jump to that of like, no, he's a good guy, he just like, couldn't be there. And it's like, to say the least, I. I think he's a troubled person. Don't get me wrong. Again, not good or bad. But I do find that interesting how we jump to like, well, he's not a bad person. I do that to myself as well. It's not just you, okay, as after he broke up, he said he'd never be in a committed relationship again. He knows how much it hurts the women he's with, and he's just not cut for it. He held true to that for the last decade. I was his last girlfriend. Well, at least he's honest. The history of our relationship isn't why I'm reaching out. So the details I don't think are too relevant, but I wanted to give you some context. I'm now 48 and he's 58. Over the last decade, I went on to get married and divorced and Moved on with my life. I've been in contact with Em over the years, stayed cordial, but not actively in each other's lives. After about three months ago, he initiated contact with me and and we've since started up a very consistent friendship. At first it was just he and I having dinner, keeping things surface level. But the more time we spent, the more he opened up. We briefly spoke about our relationship, the intensity of it, the mistakes that were made, the fun we had he would make. He would make me dinner, plan picnics, etc he accepted an invite for me to see go see a show together. We were dating his friends it seemed never got romantic but the energy was building at least on my end. I was beginning to have feelings for him again, but I kept that to myself. During one dinner, he INV his best friend C to join and having C around really opened Em up. We had so much fun, the three of us. Em would take accountability for mistakes he made while we were there together. We'd reminisce. The eye contact grew stronger on every level. It felt like Em was slowly coming towards me. And then last week the three of us went to storytelling event. Emma's really giving me some serious eye contact and attention again. I could feel the energy growing between us. At the event, however, there was a woman seated between me and I me that I struck up a conversation with. She was very cute. Both M and C verbalized that as well. It changed the whole dynamic having her there. But it was mainly me chatting with her. Her. Okay, I haven't even finished this, but I've got thoughts. Last week I invited M took over to cook dinner which earlier he said he was definitely open to. He never replied to that text. But then last night he invited me along with C over to dinner again at his place that tonight I didn't think take it personal that he bypassed my invite, chalked it up to his classic avoidant tendencies. No, I'm sorry, I don't know if that's chalking it up to his avoidant tendencies. I think that could just be like that person. Like I have a person that's not into that. I'm not going to chalk it up to their avoidant tendencies. I'm just going to be like that wasn't an interest of theirs. Or maybe it's ADHD that he forgot or maybe, you know, I don't know, I'm just like. I feel like we give a lot of excuses here, but all right, love you guys. No big deal. He went on to share that. What? What would Be the menu, but then drop. This is that woman we met last week in town. If so, invite her. And I privately lost my. It triggered me so strongly and I've been spiraling ever since. Given our history and how he's ogled women in front of me, there's no way in hell I'd ever bring another woman to dinner together. I'd be completely. I'd be ignored completely. I could feel all sorts of old wounds coming at the mere thought. I considered backing out of the dinner because it's clear he has romantic in no romantic interest in me and it's deliberately creating space. And this seemed like a power move to put me into my place and minimize any growing intimacy. I do not see that. Oh baby, I do not see that. We're going to get to that. I'm not sure what to do here. And with our friendship in general. What does he want from me? Was I imagining the growing closeness? Why was I sent into a tailspin when he suggested I invite the other woman? What work do I need to do? Why am I reeling? Okay, I'm. I'm not even going to finish the rest of the questions because you guys can imagine where it goes. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. I want to ask you guys a question. 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Cause it's the best part of life for me. I love being home. So head to cozyearth.com and use my code Sabrina for up to 20% off. Again, that's cozyearth.com, code Sabrina. And if you get a post purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Sabrina Zohar show. Refresh your routines with comfort that makes every day feel like the new year year. You're creating narratives here. And I say that with love. I am not being an. This person didn't do this. I'm sorry. Based on what you described, him just saying. Hey, is that girl in town? If so, could you invite her? I think what's happening is from the beginning, you created something that wasn't there. He reached out to you. Who asked, hey, what changed? Why are you reaching out to me? What is it that you want? Last time we ended, is this romantic or are we just friends? What is it that you're interested? You got. You're, you're skirting around it. You're skirting around it. Self abandoning, Being like, okay, just play it cool. See, look, look, See, like, but he's here. See, look. He's inviting me to stuff. And it's like, no, you're creating meaning out of things that aren't meaningful. He wanted you as a friend. He was being pretty honest about that. In the sense we're like, you aren't romantic. You guys were kicking it. That's my point. I love you guys, but what is it with us that we're not gaining clarity? And then now you're. You're triggered because you kept quiet. You played small. Let me, like, be cool. Let me be cool. And then it's like, he wasn't ogling a woman in front of you. He's single. He's allowed to do whatever, whatever the he wants. I don't see this as a power play. I don't think that he was doing this deliberately to minimize you. I think that we're projecting the fact that, like, you feel shitty that you didn't say anything and that you weren't sure what was going on and you were reading into his actions and then you found out nothing changed. And then he found out he's single for a reason. He hasn't been in a relationship for a reason because that's not the person he is. And I think you want him to be that. You really want him to turn into that. He's not. Not. He has not. And like, again, even he had to have another friend around for him to open up more. So then he's not really opening up with you in the ways that you need. He needs someone else to feel comfortable in order to do so. I'm not saying that's anything you did, please. No, I'm saying that's his comfort level. But I think what's happening is like you're giving that he gave you eye contact and was giving you intense eye contact. It's like, but that doesn't mean that this person wants anything with you. We have got to stop making meaning out of that's meaningful. Someone making eye contact with you across the room but they're still not making any effort. Someone that asks you to dinner but is not doing anything romantic beyond that, somebody that says that they're going to text you back and then just invite you to something two weeks later without doing so isn't romantic. That is breadcrumbs. And I'm not saying that to attack this person. But we have got to stop giving meaning to low effort bullshit and then wondering why we're fucking starved. It's not about villainizing this guy. I don't think anybody did anything wrong or right. I think what happened is that you played small again. You were from the beginning the relationship didn't work for you. Right. Like, did you want to be in an open relationship? You're saying he went against the rules of an open relationship. Him ogling a woman was the. But yet you're okay with him dating other people and other people and going out. It's okay for you not to be. You're allowed to go. I don't want that type of relationship. No thank you. No thank you. I don't want that. That. That's okay. You're allowed to do that. But we don't need to then get upset of like, why is he doing this? Why? It's like, no, no, no. What's happening is that you self abandoned hoping that this was going to change and that maybe something was going to happen here. You created meaning out of things. That maybe he's just a nice guy and liked you as a friend. Talk about it. Start having the uncomfortable conversations show like, this doesn't happen and maybe this is a place to get vulnerable. Of like, hey, can I share something with you? I wasn't sure your reasoning for coming back. I think I actually over conflated it and I was starting to think maybe we were getting back together. And then when you asked me if that girl was coming, it made me realize, holy, maybe nothing's changed. And I wanted to see from you what, what are we doing here? Are we just friends? Because if so, I need to create new boundaries then because I don't feel like just a friendship with you. Then I'd also have to get curious. What do you like about this person? I don't get it. I don't get it. I'm sure you guys have a great time, but he's not showing up for you in any other ways. Romantically he's not. I mean, maybe he's holding space for you, but in a shallow way because you're not creating that real depth. Again, I'm not going to take away your friendship. You might have an amazing rapport, but that doesn't mean that guys are going to be in a romantic thing. I think he just sees you as a friend. I think he was just probably excited to have you back in his life. Or maybe he also knows he's not going to be able to give you what it is that you want. But he cares about you as a person. I know that that might be really hard to hear, but this doesn't necess mean that there's anything wrong with you. Maybe this person just genuinely isn't meant for monogamy and doesn't want that. He has every right for that. But I do not get that he was playing you or I don't think that he was teing you. I don't think he was disrespectful. I don't get get that. Based on what you wrote in, maybe there's a different part of the story from what you told me. I think he thought there was a pretty girl at a party and he wanted to see if you had her contact because you were talking to her all night. Again, I could be wrong, but based on what you wrote in, that's what I'm getting. All right babes, we're going to get to a Hinge profile as we wrap up the episode, okay? Hey Sabrina, I've been following your podcast for a little over a year now and have grown healed so much my personal, familial and dating life from invaluable advice and information. Proud of you. I've recently been getting closer with someone I met on Hinge. We align on very critical issues, goals and lifestyle decisions. Things are looking great, but I'm a little nervous to share something with her. Four years ago, while new to Hinge, I had a political discussion with someone about socialism versus Capitalism. There was no insults, name calling or any inappropriate comments. However, I sent a long winded multi message story about my immigrant parents experience living under socialism. Valid. The person did not respond. However, a few days later I received an email saying that I was reported and permanently banned from the platform. Guys, this is why I hate those Facebook groups. If that's really what happened, right? Like, if. If he's being 100% honest. That's why I have no PA because that girl could have written it and been like, this guy was disrespectful and all this. And it's like, no, she just didn't like what he had say. And that's my issue with like this type of. Of like this black or white binary thinking. Like, you're allowed to have different political opinions. Unmatch. How brilliant. Unmatch. Unless there was disrespect. Now, again, playing devil's advocate, I don't know. But if I'm. I'm going based on what I see. But this is why I don't love those groups. You got to be very careful, very careful who we get our information from, because we don't know if that's really what happened. And someone just, just. And I just think, I don't doubt it because I've seen it. We've seen the Internet, that if you don't like something, people lose their goddamn on you or freak out instead of just move on with their lives. So I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I strongly suspect it was the conversation that did because it was only one interaction and went beyond. Hey, what's up? I had nothing else. I know this sounds silly, but I've been told similar stories directly from people that reported others. Blatant harassment, aggressive cases aside, most of the time was based on politics. The most generous interpretation I can think of is that the admin had a number of cases to go through and simply saw our messages with no response. Moral of the story, don't talk about politics on the apps. And if you do, it's okay to just like. If you see something that you don't like, that's okay. But here's the thing. I don't think it's moral of the story, don't ever talk about politics. I think you save that for the date or a phone call. I think you don't do that on the app unless it's something blatantly obvious. Just don't continue. Since then, my dating life has been through Tinder meeting people organically. Tinder, being a very superficial app, has led to some situations that exacerbated my insecurities, especially around being 5, 6. Even after paying for the platinum subscription. A good work, a good week. Result in two to three matches leading to one date every three to four. Four weeks. Tinder's tough. The there were Times in particular where date canceled on me immediately after finding how tall I am. That's so it's on your profile. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's really. And I can imagine that could be hurtful. Well, they're not for you, baby. Fast forward to July this year. I've grown, healed a lot in all aspects of my life and career. After seeing my friends experience unhinged, I just. I noticed Hinge seemed to be filled with people focused on developing relationships rather than hookups. I noticed that Hinge allows users to design their profiles to showcase more personality. Okay, cool. He was able to get back on. The difference was dramatic. I went from two to three matches to a week to three to five a day. That turned into a date every one to two weeks and way more attractive matches on top of that. I know relying on external validation to improve my self worth is not the most ideal situation to my to handle my insecurities. But my confidence has never been higher. My dating life has been far more active, and the people I'm meeting are far more interesting. All that being said, in the past month and a bit, I've been seeing someone that seems promising. I'm very excited, but if it doesn't work out, I know I'll be okay. That's right, baby. I feel like this is something I should eventually share with her, but I fear that this will make me look very suspicious. All my friends know that my situation, so I'm worried that when they meet her and find out how we met, they might crack a joke about me sneaking my way back on the platform. Platform. Being upfront about it seems like a better idea. Should I tell her? If so, how should I go about that when any advice is most welcome? And he did give us his profile. But the thing is, he want. He wanted his face out of it and Ryan had to cover it. And so we'll go through it, but we'll do that quicker just because his face is out of it. Okay, now here's the thing. Part of me is like, I don't think it's a big deal. Like, I don't think you need to tell this person that once upon a time ago you had an issue with someone political. But in that same token, I understand if your friends are like loose cannons, that might be like, Hinge. I thought you were blocked on Hinge. So maybe then what it is is you can even then preface it as like, hey, can I share something with you? It's not a big deal, but because you're Going to meet my friends and they're. Or whatever. Right. Like they're jokers. About two years ago or whatever, I was blocked on Hinge because I had a political conversation with someone who really wasn't understanding, was trying to say. And I got kicked off. Luckily I was able to get back on, which is how we met. But I just want you to know in case anybody cracks a joke, that's what they're referring to. That's it. You notice how like, we're not making it an issue. There's no shame. What's the sh. What's the big deal? Okay, cool. Thanks so much. I went on a date with a guy that had that I then found out after why he had been blocked. Wasn't what he said he was an. But if you've been dating her, she likes you. You have a rapport. Than this one thing that should not be what makes her break breaks it. And if she's so freaked out by that, it's like, then I don't know if she would have been able to handle much more. But I feel like the way that you can say it is kind of in a casual way like that. Let's see. We got a profile. Let's read this profile. If you have vertically challenged. If you have vertically challenged male clients that need some help, encouragement, I think this could help them. Okay, so his profile. My greatest strength. I know what I want. Pursue my big dreams and lead with cure with authenticity. I'm so. I'm also cursed with insatiable curiosity. Live an active lifestyle and strive for emotional intelligence. Intelligent. Okay. Looking for a life filled with kids, community and unreasonable amount of dogs. Love it. Okay, then we have a photo with him on all of his. All the dogs. We have one on. On the hike, one with all the dogs. My therapist would say I tip her $20 whenever I cry during a session. Okay. Photos. I want someone who is confident, expressive, curious and enjoys fitness. Bonus points if you're into hot yoga, hiking, running or lifting. And then more hikes, more dogs. Okay. For everyone watching and listening. Profile gone. Name me three things you're remember. There's not a lot of memorable stuff. I remember you have a lot of dogs, but then I realize that that's actually your job. So maybe you don't have a lot of dogs. I don't love how many dog photos there are. It's all the same. It's. It's so all I see is. I'm like, wow, do you literally only hike and then you have a dog photo? I Mean, your dog is the cutest thing, but like the yoga pose, it's okay, but you're not doing it well. And your face is to the side from the one I saw. So like, it's not that great. I think what we're looking at here is like, I don't know anything about you besides that you have an insatia curiosity and that you're active. That's it. But I, I know you're telling me everything you want. I want a wife and kids. I want someone who's emotionally curious. I want somebody who is confident and expressive. It's like, here's the thing, people are really shitty at self identification. That's the reality. People are not great at it. And people aren't looking going, I'm super curious, I'm expressive. It's like, even me, I'd look at that and be like me. But I love, like, maybe it's, we should go out. If you're growth minded, you're driven by curiosity. I'm a big fitness junkie. I love hot yoga. What' your sweat of choice? Ask a question back so someone can feel engaged in the conversation. That would be my suggestion. The pro, the photos. I think we could do a little bit better. We don't need so many of you looking to the side. I want to see your face. I understand insecurities. I'm a human too, my babies. But we got to see who you are. Own it. All right? You're five six, five six with a lot to love to give. We love short kings around here. I don't want to shame anybody for who you authentically are. We can't shout, change that, right? We can Tom Cruise you and give you a couple inches, but we cannot change you and who you are fundamentally. So let's stop trying. So that would be my first thing. And give me more about you. What else do you like? What do you do besides go hike and take the dogs out? And then give me some other photos. Give me some photos of like, maybe just you. I always tell my friends, like, go out with your friend and at lunch, ask them, be like, hey, I need you to take some photos for my dating profile. I got my friends. He's been using it ever since where I said his name and he turned to me and like, he was like, huh? And it was the perfect photo. And so have your friends do that. Be like, hey, you know what? Like, surprise me at lunch because they might be like, you know, sab. And that's the b. That's the photo. And maybe they snap 20 and you're like, ooh, that's a good one. Start to get creative and like, let's see who you are. And I think when it comes to telling this person about your history, I think that, listen, if you really genuinely believe your friends are going to say something or maybe talk to your friends and be like, hey, dude, I was able to get back on. Like, could you not bring that up? Because, like, it's not an important part. Whatever you feel like. I just don't think it, I think, to me, what does it do right? Like, what is it adding or subtracting? Like, if somebody didn't tell me that, I'd be like, okay, cool, I, I, I'm with you. I don't think it's that important. But if someone did tell me that, I don't know that I would judge them and cut them off because they had a difference of a political opinion. Because obviously if you guys are dating, you would imagine you would align because I'm sure you've spoken about that by now. If you talk to them on the nap, you probably talk to this person in person about that, then maybe that's it. Or maybe you bring it up of like, what are your thoughts on this? You can be like, oh, my God. Actually, I don't know if I told you I got in this heated or not even heated. I got into a conversation with someone on Hinge and she reported me. I actually got blocked from Hinge for a year. I had to come up with, I had to use a different phone number just to get back on because this person was angry that I didn't say what they wanted. Right. You see how we can, like, interject it into conversation? You can show her be like, I don't know. I mean, this is the conversation if you have it. Like, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to hide. So I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for getting curious. And I, I don't think that we need to make it bigger, bigger than it is, babes. I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. Thanks for letting me be spicy today. Thank you for letting me cry. Guys, as always, if you need anything, link in bio. Please don't email asking for advice. I'm not answering. I don't give free advice via email or dm. That's my boundary. Because this is my career, this is my livelihood, this is my life. I show up every day for you guys and so if you need anything for me, awesome. You can work one on one, ask a question, join one of the courses, or just being here is more than enough. You can subscribe if you want. Ad free. Don't forget guys. Rate Review the show, comment Leave it with a friend, leave it with a friend, share it with a friend and let me know what your favorite part of in the Trenches is. I love it and I love you guys and I'm just so grateful. So thank you guys and I'll see you next week.