← The Sabrina Zohar Show
Loading summary
Transcript71 lines
- [00:01]
A
This episode is brought to you by F's the Beauty Official Podcast. Join host Evan Ross Katz on the official podcast for FX's hottest new series, the Beauty, taking you behind the scenes with its amazing stars as they discuss the show's most jaw dropping moments. Featuring Evan Peters, Anthony Ramos, Jeremy Pope, Ashton Kutcher, Rebecca Hall, Bella Hadid, Meghan Trainor, Isabella Rossellini, Jessica Alexander and Ari Grayner. Search FX is the Beauty wherever you listen to podcasts?
- [00:30]
B
Hey, it's Brooklyn Adams and I'm partnering with Abercrombie to tell you about the newest drop from their active brand. Your personal best YPB leggings are made with buttery soft fabrics that hug you in all the right places. And common Abercrombie's viral curve love fit designed to eliminate waist gap. Paired with sports bras and super soft sweatshirts, it's activewear that supports every part of my busy lifestyle and gives me my best butt ever. Head into the new year feeling your personal best. Shop Active by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores.
- [00:59]
C
Have you ever thought your life was gonna go one way? Really, really convinced that that's the trajectory, that's the path, that's what you're gonna do no matter what, Whether that be a relationship, personal, professional, and then it goes away. And next thing you know, you don't know what to do with yourself. You don't know if you should keep fighting. You don't know if you should give up. You don't know if you should pivot. Well, that was me a little over three years ago. That was me as the hot mess express, the girl that just couldn't get it right. What is wrong with me? Why can't I figure it out? And that where I had to decide, am I going to keep staying in that victim mentality that everything keeps happening to me and not for me? Or am I going to finally take fucking control of my life and start to show up differently? Well, that's why we're here today. Because today marks three years of the Sabrina Zohar show and I am so excited to share with you everything that I've learned along the way. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Guys, happy three year anniversary, my babies. Oh, baby, we've been through a lot. We went from do the work to getting a cease and desist to the Sabrina Zohar show to oh my God, it's three years and guys, we're gonna get right on into it. But before we do, thank you. Thank you is an understatement. Thank you doesn't even begin to describe how fucking grateful I am for you. So without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, friends. So as you can tell, I have no notes today. I have no outline. We have tech guy joining us in a little bit. And today really I wanted to spend some time to go over, like, what have I learned, what have I grown, how have I evolved and how does this journey continue to go as like a nice three year check in, especially whether you're new here or you are returning or you have been here from the beginning. Who doesn't like a little bit of a check in? Now before we do that, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Please, please share it with a friend. Leave a comment, a heart doesn't matter. Anything helps us to really get the out there and to grow. And if you guys need anything, you can work one on one. You can join one of the courses. You can ask a question, everything's@sabrina zohar.com or just be here. I don't think you guys understand how grateful I am for you to show up every week. But I also want you to know that the resources are available. If you want to go slow. You need some foundation courses. Whatever you guys need, please know that that is available to you. So three years ago, I'll never forget and I'm probably going to cry. I know we're going to do that. But I remember three years ago I was sitting in my living room and I didn't have a pot to fucking piss in. Like, I, I don't know if a lot of you guys may not know the history, but like I was supposed to be on Shark Tank and I was on set. It was summer 2022. I had started my clothing company, or we're software.com if you guys want to shop and support a local business. But I started the clothing company after my mom got sick and went to the doctor with a headache and they found six brain aneurysms. And I really, really wanted to give back. I wanted to do something different. Hello to my new career. And I started the company the day after her successful surgery because they gave her a 3 to 5% chance of survival. And my mom's a fucking batty. If you've listened to her episodes, you know, and she's taught me everything I know, good or bad, and she made it through and she defied the Odds. And I started the company the next day. And ever since then I had eaten shit, everything felt. And I remember like when I started the company thinking like, no, no, no, I have to have this. This has to be successful. And one of my friends said, sab, you know, like, if software doesn't work out, you're still okay. I would have panic attacks. I'd be like, no, no. But I'd be like, I have to, I can't be without this brand. And I remember just sitting there and being like, dude, you're codependent on your company. Because that's also part of like why I talk about a lot of this stuff isn't because I'm like, ooh, let's like focus on me for an hour. It's also to show the parallels that not everything is dating and relationships. Some things are family, work, professional, personal, doesn't matter. Friendships. It doesn't always have to mean. But how many of us have had a relationship that you were like, I know if this ends, I'm, I'm a wreck. I can't do it. Well, that was me with software because I put my value, my worth. Everything was, I'm a business, business owner. And if that business doesn't work, then there's something wrong with me. Then I'm the failure. I'm the idiot, I'm the. And so I gave it my all during COVID I hand tie dyed thousands of pieces. I made a million dollars for my brand that year. That was the crazy. I had never ever done that as a one person business owner. Just making things in my Brooklyn apartment. And then what happened the next year I moved to la. I'm thinking, this is it. The dye house damages all my products already off the bat, we're not going to hit. Then Fast forward to 2022. I get shark Tank and I'm like, this is it, this is it. Like I am going to. I see it, I see it. Mark Cuban, you're. If I could invest in my company. And I'm on set. I literally was there after six months of back and forth and all the auditions and all the rounds. And they were like, sabrina, you're next. And I remember doing a Joe Dispenza meditation all day and I was like, I can see it. I'm visualizing it. This is my Future. And then 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. I remember sitting there, I'm like, something's wrong, this isn't right. And they came in, I'm so sorry, we can't fit you on today. We're so sorry. And then they did it again to me one more time a month and a half later. And I was like, I'm done. And I hit rock bottom. And I really. Yeah, I was suicidal. I'm not going to hide this shit from you. I am not going to sugarcoat it. I did not want to continue living. And you know what changed that I want? A guy called me that I had one date with. Never saw this guy again. He wasn't interested. He wanted to call me to understand what Shark Tank, what happened there. But he was just there for me and he was just a friend. Like, we never were romantic or anything. We just went on a date and realized I think we were better off that way. And he reminded me, he reminded me that there's so much more to live for. And he reminded me that my worth isn't contingent upon the fact that I didn't get Shark Tank. He reminded me that my worth is because of who I am. And that the fact is that I brought that business to where it was and I could continue doing that in other ways. And I started my TikTok a week later because I had been helping people. Like, I had been coaching people on business stuff. And while I was coaching people on business stuff, relationship things would come up. And so I was like unofficially doing that. But I, I didn't think it was my career. I didn't think I was gonna like be a dating coach and pursue that. And then I started creating TikToks and I started to realize, man, there's a lot of out there. If I saw one more TikTok of a 22 year old telling you, if a guy doesn't do this every day, he's not into you. What did that lead me to? Making the same mistakes, doing the same, and having unrealistic expectations about what a healthy and secure relationship is. Because here's the spoiler alert. Healthy relationships don't mean you don't get triggered. Healthy relationships don't mean that you don't have any issues. Healthy relationships mean you have the space to do this together as a un because you both have the bandwidth and the capacity to fucking fight for the relationship or to agree that it should be over. And that was not what I had been taught. I had been taught that love had to be earned, that love is conditional. And then I had all these fucking morons on the Internet replicating the same childhood core beliefs and dynamics I was trying to run away from. And that is why I started doing this, because I give a shit about you guys and about your life and about where you're going. And I actually care about the growth that you're trying to fucking make. And the reality is, I was the girl that needed the help. I was the girl that was tired of it. And as I started to create, I realized, wait, there. There's people like me. There are people that are struggling. And then I'm a tech guy. And then I, all of a sudden, my video started going viral and I started the podcast. Why? Why did I start the show? Because of you guys. You guys asked for more. And I had my core beliefs. You know what my core beliefs were? I'm too much. I'm not good enough. No one gives a about me. No one cares about me. No one wants to see me. And that doesn't mean that that went away. Just because I' I have a career doesn't mean that those core beliefs have gone away. And it's the same with doing the work and getting into a relationship. You don't just poof all of a sudden because you have the perfect relationship. You never feel sadness, anxiety, or triggered. That's not real life. But what it does is what a healthy relationship and what a healthy career. And what all of these things taught me was that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was just going after the wrong people who didn't have the capacity to hold me in the way that I needed to be held. And so I started the show, and I remember I bought a phallic ass looking mic on Amazon, looked like a dick. And I took a photo, and I remember sitting on, like, Google being like, how do I make an album cover? How do I find fonts that I can use? And that's why I didn't trademark the show. Because, truth be told, I never thought I'd be here. I get emotional during this episode because I genuinely never thought that anybody cared about what I had to say, because that's all I was taught growing up. Sabrina, shut up. Sabrina, you're being too much. God, Sabrina, you always take up so much space. So when I started my career and I started dating, I was like, hey, no one likes you. No one cares about you. Because the people in my life that were supposed to teach me what love was taught me that. So when I started all of this, I didn't know which way was up. And the only thing that kept guiding me was my own intuition, my own light, my own gut. Because at the end of the day, if I don't follow what's intrinsically happening inside, how Can I expect anybody on the outside to tell me who the I need to be on the inside? And so I just was floundering for a while and I, I just, I just kept thinking, okay, I'll just, I'll put stuff out. Let me just like make an episode. And making an episode created a community and then created some of the biggest guests I've ever had. And, and having all of this success very quickly, my nervous system didn't know what to do with it. And then meeting this amazing man and having this relationship and going from no one cares about me, no one likes me to, oh my God. People, listen. Wait a minute. You want to pay me? Wait a minute. You want me there? I'm invited. Oh, I thought I was a nuisance. I thought I was a noose around your neck. Because that's how I was made to feel for most of my life. Because that's how I made myself feel. This episode is sponsored by Quint. You guys know me. I'm a big fashion girl. But that doesn't mean I want to pay those big fashion prices. Enter Quint. Quint has you covered with luxe essentials that feel effortless and look polished. They're perfect for layering, mixing, and building a wardrobe that lasts. Plus, everything is so versatile so you can reach for them day after day. I recently got the eco knit, healed booty and black baby. You could have fooled me that those were $79. They look like $500 boots. They're so comfortable. The quality is incredible. And like everything from Quint, each piece is made with premium materials and ethical trusted factories, then priced far below what other luxury brands charge. Refresh your wardrobe with Quint. Don't wait. Go to quint.com sabrina for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Sabrina to get free shipping and 365 day returns against quince.com Sabrina when did I stop to say that I'm worthy and deserving of more? When did I stop to say fuck those people? Who are they to talk to you like that? Instead I said, I knew it. They figured me out. And that's when my life changed. When I realized, who are the fucking people to tell you who you are? Who is anybody that you're meeting on the Internet? Who the is this stranger to tell you who you are? Who the is this person that you barely know that maybe you've had one or two dates with coming and telling you, who you deserve to be, who you should show up as, and who you are. And who is this person to tell you how bright your light is allowed to be? Because if they're trying to dim your light, that's because they're threatened by how bright you shine. And those are the people you need to get out of your life. Because you want someone that helps you up on that pedestal, that helps you get to the top, not someone that's threatened by your light, that's trying to kick you off, because they want that same spot. And that is what I want you to hold onto. That is what you deserve, is someone that wants you to shine, not that, somebody that gets threatened by your fucking light. And so all of this to say as I go off on my tangents, as I do. Cause this is what happens when I don't have notes, is that when you do something scary, when you do something different, when you do something that your nervous system isn't used to, yeah, it's gonna feel really fucking uncomfortable. Me starting a podcast, me being in a Healthy relations, me setting boundaries, me telling my family what I can and can't do, me telling friends what I can and can't do. That was terrifying. Why? Because I was scared of losing other people. Well, whoa, wait, I'm scared of losing other people. I've probably already lost myself then. Because if I'm so concerned with how do I keep you in my life, I'm not actually looking at, does this work for me? And do I want you in my life? I'm concerned of what does it mean if I don't have you? And I learned when Clem passed away that you can hold onto something in someone all of your life, but eventually it's going to leave you. Because none of us, we all go six feet under alone with nothing. And one day, yeah, we're gonna lose everything. Because that's the cycle of life. And I'm not meaning that, like, in a morbid way. I mean, like, well, we're all gonna die. That's a guarantee. What I've learned over the past three years of having this show is success is beautiful. And when it comes your way, I welcome it and receive it, but it's not guaranteed to stay. And if you lose something, it's okay to grieve and mourn that loss, but it's also okay to become a different version. I give you permission to be a phoenix that rises from the ashes. Instead of holding onto the ashes of a building so that you're trying to rebuild it. When it's already fucking gone. And so I'm learning to surrender. I'm learning that if this is it, that's okay, and if it's not, that's okay, because that's what we deserve. You deserve to know that no matter what, you'll be okay. And I've learned that with the show, when we were at our peak, we were at double the audience we had now. I was at a point where even my own network was like, dude, we're not keeping up with how quickly you're growing. And then the name change happened, and I lost myself. I. Did you guys know you've been here for. Was like 15 episodes. 20 episodes. I couldn't stop talking about it. I couldn't stop fixating on it. I couldn't stop focusing on. But you took it from me. And where is everybody? Because that was my childhood. But I didn't do anything wrong. But what did I do? Why are you coming after me? But where are you guys going? Why are you leaving? But is it me? And you know what I learned as I step into this third year? It could have been right. Like, maybe it's me. Maybe it's my tonality, maybe it's my cursing, maybe it's my brashness. Maybe it's all of these things that people don't like, and that's okay, but that doesn't mean that I have to change who I am to keep them here. Everyone is welcome, but it's not my job to keep everybody here. And that's what I'm learning, that you win some and you lose some. And part of winning is being okay, losing. Because if I'm so. That's why I say it to you guys all the time. I love Ryan with every bone in my body, and I love being with him. But if we were to end it tomorrow, okay, I would accept it. Because I've already tried to hold on to something like Clem. And when he died, I lost myself. And that was far too heavy of a price to pay. It's the same with the podcast. I lost myself when the name changed, and now I get to rebuild that in a way that I'm really proud of. And I get to decide who I am. Not the audience, not the analytics, not the algorithm, and not the metrics. Me, me, me. And it's the same with you. You get to decide what you're worthy and deserving of. You get to decide what you're willing to allow. You get to decide the people that stay in your life. You are not Beholden. You are not six years old waiting to be chosen by your parents anymore. So start showing up like that. Start acting like someone would be lucky to be in your life because they are. And then when you start to change and you shift, you will be shocked. The people that, one, leave your life because they don't have the bandwidth to stay. But two, you'll be shocked. The people that stay, maybe the people you never anticipated, maybe you didn't think that would. But you know what? It shows you that you're not the problem. Maybe your coping mechanisms, maybe your behavior, maybe the way that you act. Sure, we can all improve and grow, but who you are fundamentally is beautiful and deserving and worthy. And I need you to stop accepting any fucking less and acting as if you are not. Because I will be here every day to remind you that I see you, I understand you, and I fucking love you as who you are. So what makes you think that there's not somebody else out there that will do the same thing? So here we are, three years later. Now, what's my goal moving forward? I've learned a lot. I've learned to let go. I've learned to lose. I've learned to mourn the ending of things. I've learned that just because I thought it was going to go away doesn't one way doesn't mean it's going to stay that way. And now my book comes out this year, and now I'm telling you right now, I'm stepping into my power. And it makes me emotional to think that because I can feel that little girl that's scared to be seen. I can feel her saying, but the last time you were seen, you were abandoned and you were left. But I'm here to remind her that doesn't mean that that's the. That's forever. Because she has me now. I'm not going to let people in our lives. Why do you think I block people? If you make inappropriate comments or rude, you're blocked from the show, you're blocked from the socials. I get to create an ecosystem of safety. And I am sorry, but to anybody that comments, I've had that on YouTube. A couple weeks ago, people were coming, like, you're trying too hard with all this cursing. Unsubscribe. And you know what my answer to them is? Get the out of my face. Who are you to hide behind your goddamn keyboard in my community, in the space that I create, in my home? Who the are you to tell me you don't like it? You can think Whatever you want. You'll also. Here's the thing. There is a freedom of speech, a hundred percent. You have every right to say it, but it's not a freedom of consequences. And you will be held accountable. Somebody will tell you no, and that person is me. And so if you don't like it, that's okay. You do have a choice to, to get the fuck out. But if you leave some bullshit along the way, don't worry, baby me. Our community, our people will be there to protect all of us. Because I'm done with the bullying and I am done with the hate. God, all we have is filled in that. And this. I want to be a safe space for you to come and be, for you to disarm and just feel safe doing so. And so that's a promise I make to you. We are not going to let the bullies and the trolls get us down. And we're not going to let that impact us in the same ways because we get to make choices as to how impact us. And if you're a human and someone says something mean to you, that's okay. You're allowed to be sad. Doesn't mean it needs to determine who the you are and what you're worthy and deserving of. That is the promise I'm making to myself and to you this year. Because we don't deserve that. And I am so tired of having to walk on eggshells for other people. I am putting 150% into every week for you. And if you love it, I'm your girl. And if not, that's okay too. There are other people out there on the planet. My job is not to keep everybody comfortable. It's to make sure that you guys get what you need and to grow in the ways that you deserve to grow. So, guys, don't forget, if you need more, there's the foundation course, There is the going slow course. You could work one on one, ask a question, get some free downloads, or just be here. And so now we get the fun part. Now tech guy's gonna join for us to talk about what has it been like as an. As a relationship, as a couple and as two people. Because we work together and we live together and we're in a relationship together. And so I wanted to give you the other side of the coin of how that impacts us and how he also views all of the three years that we've been together. Because I'm pretty shocked that I keep saying three years because I. I'm just so grateful to have spent even a minute with you guys, let alone three years worth of minutes with you guys. This episode is sponsored by Wayfair. The new year is here, and I don't know about you guys. I love to refresh my space. I don't use overhead lights. They give me a headache. So I'm all about ambiance. And that's why I love Wayfair because they literally have everything you could possibly need, whether that be bedding your kids room, home decor, storage for every space you need. Got it. You know the song Wayfair, you got just what I need. And they do. I've gotten a couple of accent pillows, some mirrors for the house, and now this new lamp in my living room. I'm so obsessed. It just vibes out the house that way. I could feel so cozy when I'm watching a movie or just connecting over dinner. And I love Wayfair because they have something for everybody. The rattan light is stunning. It's more boho. But if you have more industrial or more whatever, Wayfair has your back. So get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now. Shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar protein bars, IQ Mix hydration mixes and IQ Joe mushroom coffees are the delicious, low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. I'll never forget when I first started dating tech guy. On my profile, it said, one thing you need to know about me is that I always carry snacks. They're a must. And IQ Bar was was always in my bag because they're a plant protein bar that just works. It's the smarter snack choice with plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber and no added sugar. The best is they have the ultimate sampler pack. It's such a great way to try all IQ Bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ Bars, eight IQ Mix sticks and four IQ Joe sticks. The coffee was my savior when I was away. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack, plus free shipping. To get your 20 off, text SABRINA to 64,000. Again, text SABRINA to 60 4,000. That's Sabrina to 60 4,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. Oh, hey, babe.
- [21:47]
D
Oh, hi. Welcome. I'm here.
- [21:50]
C
Well, so I just sat for 20 minutes and cried for a good portion of it on the episode. But.
- [21:55]
D
But how you feeling?
- [21:56]
C
Hey, you know, she's feeling. She's feeling. But I'm really excited to have you here today because it's three years.
- [22:02]
D
Can you believe it?
- [22:03]
C
I. I keep fumbling every time. I'm like, 21033. So I'm really excited. But I kind of wanted to also understand, like, you came in when I had nothing. You and I met before. I had a podcast. Like, I hadn't even talked about it.
- [22:18]
D
Correct.
- [22:19]
C
And you were Tick Guy.
- [22:20]
D
And then you had a few thousand on TikTok.
- [22:24]
C
At the time, it was like 100,000. If that. So it wasn't the millions that we have now. But what was your perspective when you started watching me do all of this? Like, what have you seen as far as growth, change? Like, what have you seen from day one to three years now?
- [22:37]
D
I've seen a lot. I've seen the maturation of you as a creator and you as a host. I think that you've gotten exponentially better at being able to command an interview. And it's not even an interview because you don't interview people. You have conversations with people and really settling into that and figuring out who you are in that regard and how you can use your innate talents. I've seen that really developed, and you really kind of sharpen the stone in that regard.
- [23:12]
C
It's so funny, as you were saying, like, you don't interview. Right. You have conversations. One thing about me personally that I've been trying to even, like, get rid of in my life, but let alone now I'm doing it through my career is like, I've. I've always been the kid that didn't beat to the same drum. I've always been the one of, like, Sabrina's not doing what everyone else is doing. And it was like, anytime I had.
- [23:32]
D
A job, she's eating the paint.
- [23:35]
C
It would be like, I'd be the one being like, but why does it smell like this? Is this safe? Are you sure? I've always been inquisitive. I've always questioned things like, you know me well enough to know that now can't confirm every boss I always had issues with because it was me going, hey, this doesn't seem to make sense. Like, why are we. You're saying the, like, one plus one is equaling three, but I'm pretty sure it's equaling two. And it's. Even with this career, Like, I sometimes, you know, when I Come. When I started everything, I've always been like, I'm gonna do it differently. I don't want to be the same. And that includes, like, the environment, the people that we have, the way that we have it. Because I'm not a traditional show. I'm not what you see everywhere. And to me, I think you're also.
- [24:12]
D
Not a traditional, quote unquote, dating coach.
- [24:14]
C
No, no.
- [24:14]
D
I'm not telling people to let them or to.
- [24:18]
C
What are we making direct shots across the bow here? Nothing personal against the people, just their theories.
- [24:27]
D
Yes. Every aspect. I think that you've taken a non traditional approach. And really, in that it's trying to inject shades of gray into a black and white discussion online.
- [24:38]
C
Yeah. I think for me, I can't believe it's been three years, but I think the evolution I've personally seen in the three years and just how this community has come together and really us being okay with losing things. And that's what I was talking about for the kind of first half, Wally, before you came in, was that I used to be terrified, remember? Like, if we had one negative review or one bad comment, like, I was hell in a hand basket. I'm not like that much better now.
- [25:03]
D
I was gonna say, so 20% improvement.
- [25:05]
C
Hey, but 20% is 20%. But I think really what it showed me was like, there are gonna be a lot of people that don't like me. There are gonna be people that I piss off because of what I say and.
- [25:16]
D
Or just how you say it, you know, there's also that fact that it's not even the message, it's how it's delivered, that some people are fragile and don't want to hear someone with a direct tone, that they've, especially a woman, been raised in a coddled environment, and they've never heard someone talk in this direct manner.
- [25:35]
C
I mean, even to joke. We were joking yesterday. We were at the market, and this guy yesterday, I said, excuse me, are you sold out of this? And he just looks at me and went, yep. Or I said, do you have any more of this? He went, nope. And then Ryan comes over to me after and goes, have you tried being a man? And I said, what? And he goes, that guy was really nice to me and just explained to me why it was sold out, why it can't be restocked. And that's okay, right? Like, I don't. I don't have any. Like, if that's how that person was raised, you're like, okay. But it just goes to show it's like how many times we see it. Like a man can say something and he's a badass, he's direct, he's blunt. A woman says that, she's a bitch, she's a this, she's a that. And it's like, I've had to be okay with that. I've had to learn that who I am fundamentally will piss people off.
- [26:10]
D
Off. Good. But then let's also translate that to the audience because that is exactly the same type of experience that you're going to have in the dating environment that not everyone is going to be for you. You're going to have some first dates that are duds. Oh my God, I have had so many first dates. So you're just sitting there, you're just like, okay, I've got 15 minutes and then I can feel like I can make an exit, you know, until they order another drink. I was going to say, I'm going to say that, that, you know, I don't have time for another drink so I can preempt the potential.
- [26:41]
C
Yeah, we've been there. We've all been there.
- [26:42]
D
Yeah.
- [26:42]
C
And I'm curious, how have you seen our relationship evolve? Because, I mean, I think a lot of people are like, wait, you guys work together and live together and love together? How have you noticed our relationship evolving with everything and even the material we.
- [26:55]
D
Talk about in the work sense or. Well, I mean, the work sense took a little bit of time for me that I switched industries. You know, I had been working as a project manager and a solutions engineer for quite a while in the tech landscape.
- [27:11]
C
That's why he got called tech guy. I had no idea what the fuck he did. He would tell me it and I was like, you're working tech.
- [27:15]
D
And you know, that's a very specific type of job. I have very clear and outlined deliverables. I know what is expected of me and I can typically clock out at 4:30 or 5:00'. Clock. This is not that job. And so it took quite a bit of learning to shift into more of a creative environment. And then also being able to make schedules and determine your own workday was very new to me. And then it takes two to three years to feel like a domain expert after switching. And so, you know, both of us are just getting to that precipice. And there's times where I still don't know what the fuck is happening. Shit. Fuck.
- [28:00]
C
I mean. But true. And I think also that's a true testament though, to, like, change does take time and I Think, like it's the same with dating where you change the way you date and you're like, But I don't get it. Why am I not having the results? It's like, oh, don't worry, baby. Compounding, right? Like, it's not an immediate. If I just go and invest $20, I'm not gonna make 100 tomorrow. But if I give it time and eventually I look back, it compounds over time. And then there's that hundred.
- [28:20]
D
And then on the personal side, at first I think you and I both really struggled just not having clear swim lanes to go back to my project management days where personal bleeds into work, work bleeds into personal. And it's not like that still doesn't happen, but we've been able to put up some guardrails. So work time, you know, we can. I hear you. We can talk about this a little bit later tonight when we're focused on this. We're under a deadline right now. Let's focus on the work aspect and then we're will fix the personal boundaries. Exactly. And upfront communication, well, that goes to even show like.
- [28:57]
C
So actually what you're describing really well is like the anxious and avoidant coming together. Because for me, I was very like, it's 10 o' clock at night, I'm sending an email. It's 5 in the morning, I'm sending an email. Wait, this customer didn't get it. Oh my God. Right? 100% business owner. Every single person matters.
- [29:12]
D
And they do, right?
- [29:13]
C
No, they do. But then versus you coming from corporate, right? A world that you're like, I don't see the individuals, I see a bottle of line. Right? Like, that's all I know is I clock in, I do my work, I clock out. No one's right or wrong. Every cog works in the machine. You need business owners. You also need people to work for the businesses. No one is good or bad. But right there, that was you wanting to shut off and be like, okay, it's five o', clock, I'm done. And maybe like, what do you mean you're done? It's 5:30. We need to talk about this for tomorrow. No one was good or bad, right or wrong. But really what it was was both of us me saying, hey, okay, what's coming up for you? Okay, you feel like you need some more space in between, right? You need boundaries. We can't work talk about work 24 7. It's taking away the romance for me. What do you need? Oh, okay. You need more consistency. You need reciprocity and communication. Okay, babe, don't worry. How about tomorrow at 9am we go over that? Perfect. Thank you.
- [30:00]
D
And bitch loves a calendar invite for that discussion.
- [30:04]
C
I love a calendar invite for sexy time. I love a calendar invite for discussions. I love a calendar invite for anything inclusive of food. I love a calendar invite because ADHD brain goes yay. Close the loop. I know I'm gonna get it done then this episode is sponsored by Better Help. I know it's 2026 and we're all about New Year, new you. But instead of trying to become a different version of yourself, maybe instead we can get curious about letting go of what's weighing you down. That way this year you can feel lighter. You don't need to be a new person. We just have to start getting curious about maybe where we learned all this from. And the best part is that Better Help is there to support you. Therapy is a great way to gain an unbiased perspective on your life and can play a key role in leaving behind what's been heavy so you can actually focus focus on the future. Better Help has amazing therapists that work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the us plus you can message your therapist in between sessions if you just want to get something off your chest. Plus the best part? Better Help. Does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? It's a short questionnaire, but if you don't like your therapist or you're not happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. You can't step into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better. H E L P.com Sabrina and my point being is like I am so tired of the rhetoric that avoidance and avoidance can't do this and anxious and avoidant don't work because we are a prime example that two people that invest in themselves and then in the relationship absolutely can have a beautiful and healthy relationship. But what does it take? It takes two willing participants because as somebody a little bit more avoidant, I'd like to know what's your how have you been experiencing someone with a lot of anxiety?
- [31:53]
D
The depersonalization that, you know, part of my like codified experience was intuiting that I had done something wrong with that and so depersonalizing it. And it's not like I don't care, or I'm not empathizing with what you're going through, but I'm not the. The. Unless I am the causal element. And then it's a different type of anxiety. And you're also pretty good with communicating that aspect, but it's on for most of the time. It's about being able to depersonalize that, not intuit that I am doing something wrong, that you're frustrated and you're communicating that. That I don't need to personalize that and assume that I have done something wrong in that regard. That you are expressing your feelings, and feelings are not dignified.
- [32:44]
C
And now for anybody that listens and says avoidance, don't care and don't feel. Do you notice how. What's the difference between the two experiences? He shuts down and goes inwards because he personalizes it versus the anxious person, goes outwards and needs the reassurance it's not them. The reason I share all of this is because this is what it looks like for two people to actually work at a relationship and for two people to say, and if that relationship ends tomorrow, okay, it ends tomorrow. We're not both gonna hold on to something that doesn't exist. But if it doesn't, then great. I show up the next day and I show up the next day and I show up the next day because I'm so exhausted by these narratives and why we started the. Because change is possible. And you are seeing what a healthy and secure person on both sides of the coin look like that it's not perfect, but he goes through anxiety and I go through my own avoidance. That's human. What are you hoping for the next three years of the show? Where do you think we could go? What do you think is gonna happen and what are you hoping to see?
- [33:32]
D
Growth would be great, but really it's about creating more of the community aspect that you are really good at storytelling and going against the grain. Not in a fuck the government type of way type of go against the grain, but more so that. Why are we doing this if it doesn't make sense? Questioning that aspect. And what I would hope is that you and your platform that you are creating start to bleed into society a little bit more and more people start. Start really being introspective about how they're approaching the dating and relationship landscape and start doing the work.
- [34:17]
C
I'm hoping for all of that, and I'm really hoping, yeah, collectively, I'd love for this material to start to actually seep into the real world and don't get me wrong. People that listen do. But outside of that, I think for me, what I'd really love is to build a community that actually has my back, too, because I really struggle with that. Like, I am fierce and will fucking die on the hills for everybody. And then sometimes I'm left, and sometimes I'm getting attacked by 10 people in the comments, and. And there's no one there for me. And then I have to. I'm crying in a corner while you're trying to get through comments and help me. And then I. I'm really hoping that I'll also feel like people show up for me. And I'm not saying that that's a prerequisite. I hope everyone knows that. If you can't, that's okay, too. I'm not angry with anybody. But if you're asking what I'm hoping for, I'm hoping that we can build a level of safety in this community, that we actually have each other's backs, that we can have conversations, that we can have dialogue. That if you like something I say, you tell me. If you don't, it's okay. We can talk about it, but with respect.
- [35:12]
D
Yeah, and attack the idea, not the person that that is. I mean, that's the Internet in a nutshell. That. Fuck you, you said something wrong.
- [35:22]
C
But I hope that I can have my own protection and safety because I'm trying so hard to create it for everybody else that I also need to create it, and I need to ask for what I need, because otherwise, people don't fucking know. That's why I ask for ratings and reviews and share it with your friends. It's not because I'm doing that for vanity, but that's the only way I can keep showing up for everybody every day. Otherwise, we don't have advertisers, we don't have a show. We don't have anything.
- [35:43]
D
This is all expensive.
- [35:44]
C
This is all. It's all very expensive.
- [35:46]
D
There is so much camera equipment in this tiny room.
- [35:48]
C
Yeah, but, like, it's really. And this isn't. This is to lift the veil for you guys, to see what really goes into it, because I am so fucking tired. I watched a video. I'm not gonna say the show. And I'm wondering if people know. And it was this massive show. And he's like, here's how I grew my podcast to being one of the tops in the world. And he's talking about the team I had and the this and the this. And it's like, you know, What? He also forgot to mention the millions of dollars he's worth and all of this infrastructure that he can do and build that the average person doesn't have. And so I hope more than anything that I could inspire everybody here to know that you can come from nothing and create something. You don't have to come with a silver spoon. You don't have to have all of these things. I had a phallic ass looking mic. I had maybe a hundred dollars to my name, and I had a dream and a goal and a vision, and I refused to give up until I saw that happen. And so however that fits into your life, whether that's saying, it I want to start a new career. It I want to start dating new people. It I want to become a new version of myself. You've got permission to do it. What are your choices? That's what differentiates me, you, and everybody watching. What are your choices and what are you going to do? And I invite you now to make that choice. Choice and to do something. But I think overall, I, in three years, am just so grateful because I think that this career taught me a lot about me, it taught me a lot about you, and it taught me a lot about us. And I think this triggers me in ways like I don't think people know. The other day, you and I were talking, and I literally didn't even realize what I was saying until I said it. And I looked at Ryan and I said, I don't get it. A video of mine has 10 million plays. What else do I have to do to be seen? And I stopped and I went, oh, that's me talking to my dad. That's me talking, because I talked. I said, my brother's the algorithm and my sister is the plays. And I was constant. But what are they doing? Why can't I get any? And that's what I mean by like, oh, I'm not angry with anybody for that. But you know what that showed me? Oh, I still have work to do with myself. Oh, wow. That shit still triggers me. And that. Because I'm a fucking human. And that's why even in our relationship, we'll have moments where I'm like, are you listening to me? And Ryan will look and say, yeah, I am, but I'm sorry I didn't make eye contact with you in that moment. Or I didn't. No, I apologize. And vice versa. Right. This is part of it is that if only we were. If both of us three years ago were like, I know how to create a podcast. That's going to be the number one in the world, and I've got all the resources to do it.
- [38:06]
D
We've ate so much shit.
- [38:07]
C
Oh, my God. We've lost so much money and resources and time and bandwidth and energy and everything.
- [38:13]
D
Really. One of the takeaways from the last few years is you and I have to do it. That trust yourself, Yourself and the people around you that you know that you can trust, that we have outsourced so much, we have listened to promises and, you know, my background is in operations and being able to outsource. This industry is a lot different, that there is a lot of people selling a lot of snake oil and what you're buying, being able to outsource to the right people that you can trust and can actually deliver and not just smoke and mirrors, because as soon as you and I took it back in house, everything starts to go up.
- [38:52]
C
That's the. That's the crux of it. Please trust yourself. Please don't give up on yourself. Because when you really do, like, you know how many people have given up on me, it breaks my heart. My own sister wrote to my mom, sabrina's a lost cause, and she's never going to amount to anything. And that was, like, six months before I started my podcast. And I love my sister, and I know she didn't mean that, and I think at the time, I understand why she said it. I get it. But it was really hard to hear somebody not believe in me and not believe that I could do it. And I internalized that voice, and I heard it, and I hear her sometimes, and I have to be the one to be like, yo, shut the fuck up, Jamie. You don't know jack shit. And I love her, and my sister and I are very close. So please know, like, this isn't about, like, starting to attack my sister. Please don't. But she was coming from her core beliefs, she was coming from her trauma, and she was coming from, this is who you are. You can't change. And I'm hoping that this podcast has showed us one thing. You can. You absolutely can become a new version of yourself. You can step into your power and become someone you're really fucking proud of. You just got to do the work and make sure you trademark your podcast. If I can teach you anything in.
- [40:01]
D
The three years or whatever creative outlet.
- [40:03]
C
The fuck you're going to do, make sure you can legally do it. Because. Because I didn't. To be truthful, I didn't believe in myself when I started it. And that's why I didn't do those things. Because I was like, who's going to listen to me? And now I know plenty of people will. So take care of yourself and protect yourself, but also trust your gut.
- [40:18]
D
So how do we give a tool of the week for this?
- [40:21]
C
So the tool of the week for this is. I have an idea. And we're going to do this together because we're going to do this together. When this episode comes out, what we're going to do is we're going to write a letter to our layers little and we're going to write a letter to our little and then what we're also going to do is write a letter to ourselves in a year because the letter to our little is what's going to be in my pocket and what's going to get me through my days. And the letter to future me is what I'm going to look at in exactly a year. And we're going to do this together. I will read my letter to future me in exactly one year on the next episode when we mark our four year anniversary. And that's what we're going to do. Because you know what? I want you guys to share your letters with me. I want you to send them in. I want you to tell me, who are you gonna become? Who are you growing into? What is it that you want to be? Who is it? How do you want to feel?
- [41:05]
D
What do you want to leave behind?
- [41:06]
C
What do you want to leave behind?
- [41:07]
D
What bullshit are you done accepting all of it?
- [41:09]
C
That's your tool of the week. Get really fucking clear on who you're talking to because you know why? Future you. I want to thank her already for fucking holding it down because I know, guess what? That's me. That's me that's making those choices to become her. And I'm gonna make her fucking proud.
- [41:24]
D
I'm already proud of you.
- [41:26]
C
I appreciate it. Guys. This was a random episode. It was. I babbled, he babbled, we babbled. But I.
- [41:32]
D
We babbed.
- [41:33]
C
We babbed. But I wanted to just also, I'm so tired of the same. I'm tired of, like, if the episode title isn't this, that no one listens. And you know what? I'm done. I'm done performing. I'm done trying to figure it out. I want to show up as me. And that's part of that is my ADHD brain going off for 30 minutes not knowing what the I'm talking about, but being able to be honest and vulnerable with you guys because that's what matters.
- [41:54]
D
Goddamn right.
- [41:55]
C
So, guys, happy three year anniversary. Thank you for being here. Thank you for giving me a safe space to show up as me and you guys for showing up as you. And as always, please don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave it, Share it with a friend, leave a comment. I don't care what that is, as long as it's with respect and love. That's really all that matters. You're allowed to disagree, but there's a way that we could do that. And guys, if you need anything, everything, as always, is in the link in the show notes. If you want to work together, join a course, download a free guide, or just fucking be part of the community. We're really, really here for you in any way possible. And I just want to say thank you because I was a hot fucking mess three years ago, but I knew I needed to do something for me. And I'm really, really proud of that version of me that did that.
- [42:38]
D
I sure am as well. And I love you.
- [42:40]
C
I love you too. And I love you guys. So until next time, babes.