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We just have to go through it in order to get out of it. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. I'm really excited because today is a very as you can tell, I have no notes. I am not even. I am completely off book today because we're going to talk about what three major heartbreaks taught me and how I was Able to get out of the depths of fucking hell and pick up myself and keep walking and turn into the version of me who I am today. So I'm so excited. I can't wait. Guys, please don't forget to rate and review the show. If you're watching now on Spotify or YouTube, please leave a comment, let me know your thoughts. Like, that's how we build our community is by engaging and sharing and commenting on each other. Like, it really means a lot when we build this community and follow along. Right? Don't forget to follow on the socials. If you guys want to join the Art of Going Slow course or the Healthy Dating foundation course, both of those are open. You can work one on one, join a course or just be here. I can't tell you how much it means. Everything will be linked in the show notes. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? So it's interesting. I was coming up with this episode and I really wanted to talk about what heartbreak has taught me and how I think we can use heartbreak to. To really learn about ourselves and as like a portal through so that we can get to the other side. And I started to sit down and come up with all these notes and these studies and I stopped and I said, I don't think that's what we need. We have so much fucking information. You guys come every single week. And I, frankly speaking, I'm tired of it feeling like a classroom. So we're gonna start to blend things. I'm gonna give you more personal experience, I'm gonna give you more of me, but you're also gonna get a ton of fucking studies where they apply. And so you can see my little clamponi here if you're watching. And also the amazing candle that I custom made. So if you guys want more, we still have merch available. Go support the show. By the way, just a little shameless plug, but these candles smell fucking amazing. They're non toxic and all made right here in Santiago, in Santa Maca. I don't know where I am anymore. Not San Diego, but anyways, it's all on the website. But when I really sat down, I wanted to break this into the three major heartbreaks and what they taught me about myself and the world and love. And I think you'll start to understand why I did what I did. And so I wanted to talk about the first one that I'm already starting to feel the emotion creep up before I even had the words come out of My mouth. And I think the first heartbreak I ever had was my dad. And I just want to preface, none of this is to ever villainize my family or anybody that I've dated, but it's to share because I am still talk to my father once in a blue moon. And I've had to do a lot of fucking grieving, a lot of grieving. Because when I grew up, you know, having a father, that's narcissistic. And also being in the 90s where none of us had any of this information, like, spoiler alert, didn't have cell phones and, you know, some of you guys were there and we just saw dysfunction. Like, I remember Even talking to Dr. Nicole Appara on her episode last year, which I'm so excited she's coming back. But I remember her, you know, she said, well, how would you know what was happening at anybody else's home when you were just in yours? You know, like, it's the old adage of, like, how am I. If we. If nobody tells me, then I think that this is Norma normalcy. And growing up, there was my brother and sister born and then there was me. And you guys will learn so much more about this in the book, which is what I'm so excited. Like, I actually, there are stories in the book that you guys have never heard, because I want to make sure that it's something special and unique. And so we're going to talk about a little bit, but I'm not going to give away. And it was my brother and sister, and then there was me, and I was the quote unquote accident, right? I was the mistake. And my parents both were like, no, that's not the case. It was like, of course my siblings, they like drill that into me. And I think the hardest part is there's always been this underlying, not jealousy, but I think a resentment for both my siblings. Because according to my mom, when my dad, when I was born, like, my dad, he claims he wants it. He did not want us. Like, he does not want kids. He doesn't do well with kids. He doesn't understand them. He doesn't know how to be around them. He screams and curses all the time and hits kids. So it's like, well, hit us as kids, just hit kids. And when my mom and I were talking recently and she said, you know what's the hardest part? And she said that your dad was there for you every day. And then one day when I was 7, he just left. And that was it. And when she said that, it all Made so much sense because that was my first heartbreak. That was the first person I ever had to teach me about love, to teach me that I'm too much, there's something wrong with me. Nobody can handle this. If your own family can't handle it, how is anybody else going to? And I think that was why I struggled so hard, was because I did have my dad there. It's so hard to look at photos because I see me in his arms and then I know seconds later after that photo was taken, he probably hit me or walked out or did something and I'll never forget again. You guys will read it in the book, but one of the bigger blowouts in my house, my dad said, trust me, open the door. And when I did, he hit me and he left for two weeks. And I remember like yesterday sitting on the couch, my brother being 14, saying, how the am I going to be the man of the house? I'm only 14. And the reality hit me. You did this, Sabrina, you did this. It's your fault. Now of course I'm eight years old, as any adult now would be like, that was not your fault, that was your father. But how was I supposed to know any differently then when I didn't have that adult? My mom was so disassociated. That poor woman, bless her. I don't know how she did it, truth be told. And so what did I learn from my dad? You can't trust people. They're in and out. Look, I'll never forget when I was 13, crying at home when I was knew he had a girlfriend and he came home and said, I promise she's just my friend. I swear she's not anybody. And then two weeks later I overheard my dad ask my mom for a divorce. And I remember her breaking down and I was upstairs covering my mouth quiet because I didn't want them to know I heard them. And then about a couple months later, that was his girlfriend and she was a to me. God, she was such an to me. And it's like, what did that teach me? You're not good enough. Other people will always be priority to, to over you. So you need to learn how to be big and take up space. Otherwise no one's ever going to see you and you're going to die. I mean, obviously that's not the case, but that was the perception. And so my father was truly my first heartbreak because he taught me there's something wrong with me. You're too much. Be quiet and don't take up space. And that was because of his inability to be a parent, not because there was anything ever wrong with me, But I didn't know that at the time. And one of the hardest things I've learned on my healing journey is there never has been anything wrong with me. I just learned from adults in my childhood who didn't have the capacity to hold me. I learned in my childhood I have to dim my fucking light in order to be received by other people. And as I started to heal, I learned it's not that I get rid of that, but it's that I learned that that's not accurate about me and how I get to write a new narrative and I get to be there for that child that I didn't have as a kid. And I get to let her know that she's amazing and she shines bright, and I never want her to stop fucking shining. But unfortunately, I learned that in my 30s. So you can imagine leading up to that. And I just. I've had such a tumultuous relationship with my father, even well into my 20s, and always just feeling like he's got this psychological hold on me and knowing one day he's gonna be gone. And I don't know what's gonna be. I don't know how that's gonna be. I don't know how I'm gonna react. But I also know that what I learned from him was why. And my mom, of course. But I'm talking about, like, major heartbreaks. I learned from him how to date, that I have to be big, that I have to take up the space, that no one's gonna be there for me, and that I need to be the one to get what I need and get what I want, because otherwise, no one's gonna take care of my needs. So then that fast forwards to my dating life in New York. When I say I was a hot mess, I'm not kidding. I slept my way through Manhattan. I thought if you. If I slept with you, then that means you're gonna like me. That means you're gonna keep me around. And then that means you can't live without me. And what did I learn that's not the case. That there are plenty of people that will use you and run through you until they have their needs met. And you're on the floor, bare and empty because you've just been there to fulfill other people's needs and not your own. And that's when my life shifted, when I started to realize, look at all that I'm giving to other people. And I'm getting back, which is fucking nothing. And I have to be the one to give that back to me. This episode is sponsored by hungryroot. Sometimes I just don't have the time or brain space for proper grocery shopping. I'm recording, I'm taking clients, I'm running around, I'm trying to be a girlfriend and a daughter and a friend and all of these things that the last thing I have the bandwidth or the energy for is to go to the grocery store and figure out what it is that I need for the week. And that all changed thanks to hungryroot. Because it's the easiest way to eat healthy. Hungryroot basically works like a personal nutrition coach and shopper in one by plan, planning, recommending and shopping. Everything for you. I love it because they are tailored to your taste, nutritional preferences and health goals. Plus, hungryroot makes it simple to eat healthier without overthinking it, which I think we could all use help with. So my favorite part right now is that you get to take advantage of the exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina. That's hungryroot.com Sabrina. Code Sabrina to get 40 off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. I was a hot mess. I. I don't think you guys understand. Now listen, some of you guys were right in and I'm like, okay, well, I never went to that extreme. But it's not about judgment. It's not about comparison. But sometimes it's just me taking stock. I was just so anxious all the time. Like, if I met a guy and I had the even remote possibility that this could be even 5% of what I thought I wanted or needed, it was the end all, be all. Like, I was obs. Obsessive. I was limerence to the umph degree. And it wasn't until recently when I learned again that limerence comes from childhood needs that weren't being met. And so for me, it was easier to fantasize. Like, I was boy crazy growing up. Like, boy crazy to the point where I don't know how anyone didn't think that this was a problem. I was obsessive. I would have posters of Brandon Boyd managing myself. I would have posters of Brandon Boyd all over pins, backpack, everything, anything that could I possibly have. Like, everything was, how can I be obsessed with something else? Because then what do I get to do? I don't have to be. In my current state, I was a book nerd because I loved getting lost into other stories. And you know what? To this day, I fucking hate rom coms because I used to watch them and go, but that's not what I get. I don't get to have that. I don't get to have the male Adonis that just so happened to move next door to me, and I'm this hot mess and look, we're gonna run off into the sunset. I didn't get to have that. And so I really struggled with that. I still don't like rom coms to this day, to be honest. That's just me. I'm more of a realist. I think that's it. I get like, nah, shut the up. It's not how that works. And. But I get it. Enjoy you right? Like you do you, baby. I'm not saying you have to stop it. And so how did that lead me to my second biggest heartbreak? When I moved to New York, I had boyfriends. I dated around a lot as we just went over. And I had some relationships and I had relationships of like, really good people. Like, there was nothing wrong with these men. I just, they weren't for me. Like, we weren't compatible. We didn't have a lot of things. And like, now that I see them in their future relationships, I'm like, oh, yeah, we're so not right for each other. Like, we are not compatible. I'm really grateful that didn't work out. It's just that we're not on the same path. And then I met my second biggest heartbreak. And now to protect the privacy of anybody that's been in my life, I'm not going to go into super detailed things because I don't need to get hit with defamation lawsuit. But also, I respect my past. I respect my past that I can share stories with you, but that doesn't mean that I need to fucking villainize these people, but I will hold them accountable. And so my dad taught me that there's something wrong with me. I'm too much. He walked out on me at all times. If you show an emotion, my dad has zero fucking patience. So then we wonder why I had no pat for myself. And we learned if I just talk shit to myself, like, even side note, yesterday my brother and I were talking and he is actually, if anyone's interested, contact me. But my brother is one of the best filmmakers on the planet. Like, he is so talented, it's insane. And like us, like every industry, they're taking a hit. And so he helped me design all this and create my high quality and all of these things. And so I've connected him to people that want the same thing and they want to hire him. And he called me and he said, I'm just, you know, like, is. Is. Am I okay to charge this month? And I stopped him and I said, you know, said, let's reframe this. I said, does everybody get to call Spike Lee and say, come over and help me get my podcast studio? No. People should be lucky to have access to a Hollywood filmmaker who has done some of the biggest music videos we've seen, has worked with some of the most amazing brands, like Joe Zohar.com, check him out. Is just one of the most talented people. And I said, they should be so lucky to have a feature film director in their house helping them to get this look. And I am very grateful that you are my brother. And I said, so maybe we can reframe and you can start to see how valuable you are. And he stopped. He said, thank you for that reframe. I really needed it. I haven't felt that about myself. And the saddest thing was, that's my dad. That was my dad. You're not good enough. It's never good enough. You have to work. You have to earn. And I had to stop and say, I'm worthy and deserving of this. I can demand. Why do you think I set boundaries with you guys? Because I have to. Otherwise, I give, give, give, give, give. I answer everybody, and I do. And then I'm depleted because no one's there for me in the same ways. And this isn't a knock against anybody. This is reality. This is also a being a business saying, like, you gotta have boundaries. That was really tough for me to set. Why do you think dating was so hard for me for so many years? And so my point being is, like, I entered the dating world with a big chip on my shoulder that anyone should be. I should be lucky to have anybody, that I should be so grateful that anybody gives me the time of day. That noise, that's the we're leaving behind in the, like, millennium. And so then when I met my ex, I'll never forget I saw him. I remember we, like how we met online and we talked for a little bit, and then we set the date, and I tried to cancel it because, I don't know, something in my gut, like, I don't know if this is right. And I remember I had really bad acne at the time I was going through a lot and like my detox, that's when I quit smoking. I cut meds. Like, I just, I changed my life. I cut, I went paleo, I started working out. Like my entire life changed in 2016 into 2017. And when I met him, I will never forget seeing Walk across the street and I called my mom and I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. This is my husband. He's the most gorgeous thing. Holy fuck, this is the one. And I hung up. Oh boy. Was he the one to put me into fucking therapy. Yeah. And again, it's not just him. Like, I played a part and I also did. This episode is sponsored by Air Doctor. Guys, did you know that Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors? 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An $84 value for free. Get this exclusive podcast only offer now@airdoctorpro.com a I r D O C T O r p r o.com and the promo code Sabrina. This episode is sponsored by osea. Do you guys know what sleep does for you? Not just for your cognitive, but for your skin and well being. For me, unwinding at night is my routine. Me and techie do our skincare every single night together. We put our phones away and it's just our way to connect before bed. And we always use osea. So there it's osea's Dream Night Serum and Dream Night Cream are clinically tested formulas powered by bioretinol and designed to reduce the visible effects of stress on skin while you sleep so you can give your skin a rest and say goodbye to dryness, dullness, wrinkles, and a lack of firmness. It's such a creamy consistency. It feels great on your skin. It's lightweight. I just love it. And the best part is you can give your skin a rest with clean, clinically tested skin care from osea. And right now, we have a special discount just for our listeners. Get 10% off your First Order sitewide with code sabrina@oamalibu.com Again, 10% off your First Order site wide with the code sabrina@ocamalibu.com when we started dating, he was really great. He was grandiose. He was really into me. And then all of a sudden, like, two months in, when things start to get serious and I invited him on a trip with me, all of a sudden, I get a text. It's not you, it's me. I can't do this. I'm so sorry. I'm not ready for a relationship I'll never forget. I was so anxious. I knew something was off that day. You know, gut knows that. I was in the shower and I kept refreshing it, being like, when's he gonna text me? And I'll never forget when I saw his text, I crumbled and I turned into a shell of myself and I called my mom screaming, I knew it. There's something wrong with me. I'm never gonna find anybody. I'm gonna be alone forever. And that's actually when I started therapy. And I don't think I had the right therapist because I was going in probably for the wrong. And then a few months later, we get back together as you know. Why do you think I'm not a big fan of getting back with an ex? That's personal stuff, right? Again, getting back together is the problem. It's starting anew. And from then on, that was probably the hardest year of my life. I was challenged in every way. Like, I remember he was really good at manipulating and saying, one of us loves you more than the other, Being that he loves me more than I love myself and that he's doing everything to help me and that this is all coming from love. Like, the typical narcissistic shit, that covert narcissism of like, oh, break you down, get you to think that they have your best interest and they love you and they're the ones that are there for you. His mother got involved in our relationship, which is chaos. And so tumultuous. And I never, ever want to go down that road again. And when we broke up, I did. I wanted to take my life. I tried to sit in front of a bus, and my mom, thank God, was there, and she pulled me out. I was in the middle of the street, and I collapsed in New York. And I just couldn't handle it. And what that taught me was, I knew it. There's something wrong with me. I knew it. I knew it. See, he figured it out. Everybody figured it out. But you know what that also did that day that he left me when he went away on a trip without me that I was supposed to go on with, because that was them teaching me a lesson, because I had a need. What that taught me in that moment was, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And it's time to make a change. Like I'll never forget. I needed to go to the hospital, and I was on the floor and I was crying hysterically saying, please, please, I need you to take me to the er. And he stepped over me and turned around and said, you're not the only person who's ever felt pain. Get the fuck over it. I have a meeting with a friend that I set it up with, or when I then had to go. My sister then took me to the hospital and he had to come pick me up. And he was livid and upset. And I'll never forget sitting in the car in the Uber, feeling so small and feeling like I did this, I inconvenienced him. How dare you have a need similar to my dad? But the day he left, I never spoke to him again. I never spoke to him again, ever. Not one fucking word. And it was one of the hardest few months. But you know what? I remember sitting every night, crying hysterically into my journal and heart palpitations and hyperventilating and calling my friend, being like, I can't live without him. My poor mom would force me to eat. I would cry into my food, and she would say, sabi, please, please eat. Please, Mama, I can't watch this. And I couldn't do it. And then I started therapy. And it was one day when I said, it's all my fault and I'm a piece of shit, and all this. We were tapping. If you're not familiar with tapping, you can look up it. You can look it up, but it's a beautiful modality that helps you to like, as you're tapping on these pressure points that help you to relax. You can think of Hard memories. That way you can work through it and process it differently. And she said, it's all your fault. And it just hit me and I went, but it couldn't have all been my fault. I didn't do anything. I mean, I did, but you know what I'm saying? Like, in that regard, I think for the specific thing, I was like, but that's not me. And that blew the lid open for me now. That was eight and a half years ago. So let me preface. This didn't happen overnight. That was 2018. We're into 2026 now. Like, that was a long time ago, right? That's eight plus years ago. And I started my journey that led me to you guys. I don't think. I don't regret a fucking lick of any heartbreak I have ever had in my life. I don't. I tell you guys this all the time. If Ryan and I broke up tomorrow, which is very possible because we're both humans and you don't know what can happen, right? Like, I don't do this. Like, they're the one for me forever, because the next heartbreak taught me not to do that. And I had to really realize, like, for now, as Mama Zohar always says, for now, it's really good, but that doesn't mean forever. And that was the biggest reframe for me. If you're happy in a relationship or you're sad in life right now, I need you to add for now at the end of every sentence. Because that's all we have is right now. You don't know that. You could go out right now and get a email that changes your life. You could meet someone in a coffee shop that changes your life. You could be introduced to someone tomorrow that changes your life. You don't have certainty of that. So instead of us projecting our fucking insecurities, I'm never going to meet anybody. And for now, I haven't met them. That doesn't mean I won't. For now, I'm in a bad position. That doesn't mean I always will be. Because you know why? I get to make choices. And as long as I have another breath, I am grateful for that. And I get to choose the life I want to live. And I dove into therapy and I learned. I remember my, like, a year after the breakup, my friend going, you're so painfully self aware, but what are you going to do with it? And I was like, she's right. What am I gonna do with that? That was the next thing of, like, now what? Like, what do you do right? You're super pale, self aware. What do you do with that? And that was something I really had to sit with. Which then leads me into my third biggest heartbreak and probably the most difficult for me to move from. And I will say this if hypothetically speaking, the jackass that commented when me and Ryan did the and that had the gall and the guts to wrong with this girl, she's crying over her dog. My dog died and two weeks later I was fine. Something's wrong with her. How dare she compare her dog's death to her partner's sister's death. Well first of all, fucking asshole, no one compared them. And second of all, how dare you take away my pain and grieving and whitewash it because you don't have a fucking heart and soul to care about your dog that passed away because Clem's death to this day was probably one of the biggest heartbreaks I've ever been through through this episode is sponsored by Quit with Jones. I don't know if I ever told you guys, but I used to be a pack a day smoker and I would have given anything to have had Quit With Jones by my side to help me through. Because I don't know if you knew Nicotine spikes and cravings derail progress. So Jones help you stay on top of withdrawal so you can build healthier habits and actually quit or cut back this year. So with Joan science backed and FDA approved Nicotine Mint, there's no smoke, no pouch, no vapor or hidden chemicals. 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Jones is FDA approved and available for those that are 18 years and older. When my dad was pulling his and disowning me after my ex and I broke up, who was there for me above anyone? It was him. Clem was my object permanence. Clem taught me what true love is. And Clem taught me there was nothing ever wrong with me. I was just dating the wrong people, that I'm deserving and loving, that there's nothing has ever been wrong with me. But I just needed to learn how to funnel that energy into the right places. And for that, I'm so grateful I had Clem in my life, even if it was just 10 short years. But he taught me that I'm perfect as I am because there is going to be somebody and something out there that's going to love me for who I am. That doesn't mean I can't grow and evolve and change, and I did over those 10 years. But who I am, fundamentally, is more than enough. And it's the same with you. And I'm so emotional from all of these. And I knew today was going to be a tough episode. That's why I didn't want any notes. I wanted to be here, raw and real with you guys. Because this is grief. Because when I had Clem, trouble seemed to not exist in that moment. I used to sit there and feel his heartbeat and his love and his warmth. And I knew this is what I deserve in a partner. He taught me what object permanence was, that I could rely on something, that I could have it there at all times and it doesn't have to go away. He taught me how to be there for myself. He taught me how to choose me. And his death taught me I can't be beholden to other people. I have to have my own back. Because after he passed away, I started my podcast. I started this career because I knew I had to do something for me. I couldn't just let him die in vain. And that was probably the most monumental. My first heartbreak taught me there's something wrong with you and no one's ever going to accept you. You. My second heartbreak taught me they were right. No one loves me. And then my third heartbreak taught me there's never, ever been anything wrong with you. You were just with the wrong people. You see why I'm grateful for all of them. You see why I don't wish that none of them happened. If I sit here and regret my past, if I sit here and wish it didn't happen, then what? I'm also Saying is, then I take a part of my personality away. How do you think I know so much about people and dating and relationships? Because I lived it. Now, I don't need a fucking psychology degree to understand how people tick, because I've lived it. I've experienced it. Now am I going to diagnose somebody? No. Because I'm not a fucking therapist. Not trying to be. But I understand what it feels like to be crying on the floor because you thought the love of your life and the future that you were going to have is gone. I understand the pain that when a breakup happens. Here's a fucking harsh reality about breakups. Sometimes you got to go through the pain to get out the other side. Yeah. I had to go through no contact. I had to withdraw. I had to cry. I had to feel. I had to scream on the floor and lose myself, to find myself again. Because going through that allowed me the opportunity to come back home to myself. Because now I have a man who would never leave me on the floor. I have a man that would never walk out on me. I have a man that sits across from me eye to eye and has adult conversations with me because he loves me for who I am. You want to know why I have that? Because I showed up for me. I refuse to accept less. And you know why I learned that? Because of the heartbreak and the pain I went through. And if I wish that didn't happen, I wouldn't be where I am today. And that's my takeaway from every single thing we've had in this conversation. You are a sum of all your parts. And if you want to get rid of them, well, then that means you want to change your destiny. And, baby, character is destiny. You are who you are. Can we grow and evolve? Of course. Of course you can grow and evolve. But fundamentally, who you are is who the you are are. So show some pride in that. Yeah, I have a lot of anxiety. Great. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. I just had a father who didn't know what to do with it. Yeah, I've got a lot of emotions. That's beautiful. I can. I can express them. I know how to feel the full spectrum because I've allowed myself to be at the depths of hell. Knock on the door, dance with the devil and leave him with a good time and come back up. Because I faced it. I faced my fears. I faced my littles. And every day I continue to. I can't wait for the book to come out so I can share more Stories. I'm busting at the themes with one specifically that is so monumental to my life. But I'm not gonna share it yet because I. I think you guys deserve something new. And I think that you deserve some. Some more. And I'm really excited to give that to you. So let's go. Tool of the week. I. I'm gonna give you a tool of the week every week, whether you've. Whoever's listening this far or not. And thank you for listening this far. Tool of the week is this week. I want you to write down your core beliefs and I want you to start to get curious about where you learn those from, from. And then I want you to look and tell me how many of your heartbreaks reaffirmed them, and then how many of your relationships you've had have gone against them. I want you to take stock. And then, you know what? Write it in the comments. If you feel inclined to share and you're okay being vulnerable, please do. It helps us connect. It helps us feel seen. It helps us all as a community come together. Because I know heartbreak is really tough. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat this and act as if it's no big deal and get over it. No, because you know why? When you say over it, you're dismissing your experience. I'm not holding space for what you're going through, and I'm not holding space for the fact that you're allowed to be hurt, you're allowed to be sad, but you don't need to put this person on a pedestal where they don't belong. Because now I found out my ex is getting married. And you know what my first thought was? I feel bad for the girl. Poor thing. That's my first thought. And you know what? I gave myself a high five when I had that thought. And I said, you know what, Zab? Look how far you've come. I was able to process that. And also like, let me say, let me take ownership. I played a part. Often we see with breakups everything is villainize the other person. But not enough people are taking accountability and ownership for their part. So let me do that. Yeah, my ex was a piece of. And he was narcissistic and he was all of those things. And you know what I was, I was unhealthy. I didn't know how to regulate my own nervous system. I was so reactive. I wasn't actually stopping. I never took care of myself. I self abandoned to keep the relationship and I was codependent dependent. That doesn't make Me better or worse than him. But if I don't take accountability for my part in this dynamic, then I'm going to keep repeating it. Because if it's always everybody else, what's the common denominator? Eventually I had to look at myself. And that's what I'm leaving you with. Not shame and blame. Not poo poo. Not how dare. No. What's mine to own and how can I learn? Because here's what's a waste of time. What's a waste of time is if you don't learn from your past experiences. If you are coming and implementing new, new, new as you go on. Wrong. Yeah, but where you waste your time is when you go through an experience. Like I had somebody write in, I did a YouTube short about it and I say this with love, but I was like, what the are we doing here? And she said, I just got out of a situationship for a year. And I was like, oh yeah, a year. And then she got right back into it of like. And then this guy, we've never met, but he's been talking for six months. And then he told me he doesn't want a relationship. So I asked if maybe he'd be open to it. And. And then he said he might be. And so I've been wait. And it's like, this is why you're not learning from your past experiences. So you didn't have space, you didn't take up space, you didn't express your needs. And when she said, you know, now I'm trying to look for red flags, I said, but which one are you noticing if you've overlooked all of these other ones. And again, it's not about shaming anybody. But I wish someone had spoken to me like that. I wish somebody stopped me and was like, dude, what the are you doing? You're replicating the same over and over again. I had great therapists, but nobody spoke to me like that. That's why when I made that video of like, here's. I'm going to say what your therapist can. People are like, my therapist says this all the time. And I was like, no, you. No, they don't. Okay. No, they don't. Very rarely does a therapist say, people are up, you can't fix them. You need to move the on with your own life. Therapists don't talk like that. Cuz they can't, can't. They can't even curse, most of them. And I'm not. It's not a knock against a therapist. I have my own. But it's also about saying sometimes we need to hear it differently, sometimes we need to see things differently, and sometimes we need to have different experiences. Because guess what? Your lived experience and my lived experience isn't everybody else's. And that's the point of this goddamn show, is to help us understand nuance and complexity and understanding of other people. Because I hope that anything you learn from this you can go out and implement into the dating world. Because you know why? Thank you for making it a slightly better place. Place. That's all I can say. And I think my heartbreaks taught me I am so much stronger than I ever believed I was. And I have made it through every bad, bad day. What are we going to do with that now? I also want you to take stock. I want you to look back at every one of your past relationships or current relationships that you're in and I want you to look at them and tell me how much do you love yourself based on the people that you're choosing? Because if you're choosing liabilities, if you're choosing people that have no emotional bandwidth, if you're choosing people that can't even take ownership and accountability, then what does that say about you? Because that's a direct, direct reflection of what it is that you're willing to allow and how much you love yourself. So I want you to do a little bit of a stock and you tell me. And guys, thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable today. I think I needed to get it out. I needed to cry, I needed to be here with you guys and I needed to feel safe in order to do that. And I'm really grateful for you guys. I say it every week. I wouldn't be here without you. So I just want to say thank you and thank you for rating and reviewing. You don't know how much that means when you guys leave comments. Even just a heart, it means the world. If you guys need more, there's the course we have going slow course is now open. We've got the eight week foundation course for healthy dating. You can work one on one, you can ask a question or you could just be here. You can listen to the episodes. You can engage in the community and just be part of it. If you want ad free, that exists. I know, I get it. Not everybody wants ads. And if not, that's okay too. Please just know I share these resources with you so that you know that they're an option. And I don't get a DM at 12 o' clock at night. Asking if I do one on ones or if I have any courses. So I just want to share that with you. And I want to say thank you again. I'm beyond grateful for everyone that listens this far in and doesn't just hop off and say, I don't want to do this and move on. Because you guys are. Are the community that I'm here for, and you're the ones I'm building this for, and I'm really grateful for you. And thanks for letting me evolve and grow as well. We're all in this together, and I mean that. And I think any of these snake oil salesmans and charlatans that you see online that try to act as if everything's happy and amazing and they've done the healing work and they're fully healed. They are lying to you, by the way, because those are the people at home that are crying at night on the floor because they don't know what they're doing. And that's okay. All I'm saying is, like, everybody's going through a battle, a struggle. Everyone's had heartbreak. We've all been there before. What are you gonna do with it? Which is also why I don't date people that haven't moved on from it when I did date. Because to me, me, if you're going to still hold, if I hear one more person like, my ex came back, it's like, I, you need to grow the up. I'm sorry. Like, we need to stop holding on to people from the past and start focusing on our future. Because you can't wonder why you're not happy and satisfied if you're bringing that in from 2023 into your new year and then you're wondering why you're not happy. Leave them in the past where they belong. I love you guys. Thank you for being here, as always. And until next week, my babies.