← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Nine years of bring back the snack wrap and you've won. But maybe you should have asked for more. Say hello to the hot honey snack wrap. Now you've really won. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can. Have you ever had someone tell you on the third date that they've never felt this way about anyone, that you're different and they just like, no. And oh my God, this feels so special and different and part of you is like, oh my God, finally, like someone finally gets it, isn't afraid to go all in. But then there's another part of you it might be a lot of quieter that's like, do they know that? Right? Like, you don't even know my middle name. You haven't seen me stressed. You haven't seen me stick. You haven't seen me bored. And the thing is like that intensity feels like intimacy, but they're not the same. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Welcome back, babes. Today I'm really excited. I'm going to be breaking down why that rush when someone comes on strong might be a sign that something is missing, not that something is there. And I want you to stick around at the end because I've got a tool called the reality check pause that you can use in real time when you're in the middle of that whirlwind to figure out if you if it's real or if you're being played. And guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment, share it with a friend. And if you guys need anything, we've got the foundation course, we have the going slow course, we've got resources. Whatever you want. Check it all out@sabrinazoar.com but first, let's talk about what's actually happening in your brain when this happens. And side note, don't forget, if you guys want AD free, that is an option. I get it. Not for everybody. So don't forget to check that out. Okay, let's talk about And I want to kind of zoom out because I think we hear love bombing. And I remember even, like, when Love island was going on, and everyone's like, jeremiah's love bombing her. And it's like, there is a difference, right? I think some people see love bombing as, like, they're coming on strong. And it's like, okay, no, those are two separate things. You can have someone that comes on strong, and then there's love bombing. To me, love bombing, it's not always out of malice. Like, I even had a friend I had to talk to the other day. By the time this comes out, luckily, it'll be a couple of weeks after. But I had a friend the other day that I was talking to, and he kept saying, no, no. I was just like, really? You know, I was like, really into this person. And I was like, we need to talk. And I was like, you love bombed him? He's like, no, I didn't. Love bombing would assum. And he was like, I asked chat gbt and love bombing told me that that means that it would have to have been, like, certain behaviors and out of malice. And I was intentional. And I was like, no. Love bombing is an inorganic amount of love, attention and affection given in a short amount of time. You know, you're amazing. I know you're amazing, but how the does this person that you've had five minutes on a date with know how amazing you are and that you're the love of their life and you're the one, and they want to share all these things, and you should meet the friends and the family. This person is chasing a feeling. They're not actually chasing you, which is why it fizzles real quick. Because if you come in at 101, where else are you going to go? So your brain cannot tell the difference between real love and manufactured intensity. This is where the studies come in. So when someone love bombs you, it's not just emotional, it's chemical. And your brain literally cannot tell the difference between genuine love and manufactured intensity. We've spoken about this neuroscientist, but there's someone called Helen Fisher at Rutgers, and she did this fascinating research. She put people who were newly in love into FMRI machines and looked at their brain activity. What she found was that early romantic love activates the same reward pathways as addiction. So we're talking about the ventral tagmental area. Area. It's the caudet nucleus. Now, for some of most of us, we're like, I know what the that means, but there's the science of it. And there are parts of your brain that light up when you're chasing a high. It's the same areas that activate with cocaine, with gambling, with anything that creates that feeling of more, more, more. So that is why I will continue to say the hill I will die on is somebody texting you every single day does not mean that they are the one for you. Somebody that comes in after one or two dates and tells you that they're the love and your soulmate and we should do this and we should do that, they don't know you. They are creating a false sense of intimacy. Text not mean that this person has the bandwidth or actually wants a relationship with you. They could just like the attention. Attention is very different than intention. So when someone is texting you constantly, they're calling you their soulmate. On week two, they're making plans for the future before they even know your last name or what your allergies are, your brain is getting hit with dopamine. And here's what the thing about dopamine, it doesn't care if this person is actually good for you. It doesn't evaluate whether this is healthy. It wants more. Hence why it's your brain on drugs and the drug is them. I'm sorry, but how many of us know that, like, drugs are bad, drinking and driving is bad, and people still do it because they want the hit, they want the high, they want the next, next, next. Why do you think people chase the spark, the trauma tingles? Because if your body is flooded with oxytocin and dopamine, if they were an ugly, unattractive person, you'd be running for the hills. But because they're a babe, you're like, oh, my God, this must be the one. But it's just familiar. Or it could be even a pattern. That doesn't mean that you guys are compatible and going to run off into the sunset. We have to stop chasing feelings and then wonder why we're left empty when the feelings fade. Here's where it becomes a problem, though. And I later, I'm going to give you the five signs you're being loved bomb. And some of these are going to surprise you. And so I want to talk about why the high doesn't last. That's the problem. So dopamine is for pursuit. It is not built for stability. And that is the thing. Dopamine is designed for pursuit. And so what that actually means is that it is a reward mechanism. So we had Dr. Chris Leon in December. If you guys want to go back and listen to that episode where we talk a lot about dopamine and how like it interacts with the brain. Dopamine gets released in anticipation of and like anything else. So think about this. I don't really drink alcohol. It's just not my thing. I just don't like the taste. And the, the other night Ryan and I went to dinner and they brought us some champagne as like a, you know, happy New Year. I said, yeah, I'll have a sip. One sip. And I was like, one, right? Because my body is like, I don't normally do this, but if I drink, drink, drink, drink, drink every single day I had a bottle of champagne. Eventually I'm going to need more. I'm going to need more. I'm going to need more because it's no, it's, it's no longer novelty, it's no longer special, it's no longer unique. That's now your baseline is being lowered. That' when someone love bombs you, it's really hard. Like mama says, when you start at 100, where else are you going to go when someone comes in hot? Where else are you building to? Now, I'm not saying you should be bored. I'm not saying that you should be doing charity work or that you should only go out with people that you're not satisfied. I was like, no, I'm not saying that. I think we can all be adults about this. But even my friend that I was talking about that was love bombing this guy they met and within three days he's meeting all the friends and family like friends, like friends like me and some of our other people in our community that were like, do you, you shouldn't be introducing people to us that quickly. Like, not everyone should have access to some of the people that you know. And they were like, they were traveling already together. They were living together after a week, by two and a half weeks, guess what didn't work because the other guy's a human and started to have emotions and feelings. My friend is a human and had emotions and feelings and they didn't have the stability, they didn't have the foundation of safety built. Because like right now I could go say something to Ryan. Yeah, we've got three years of foundation and safety, but if I had just met him, that's not going land the same. So what's the reality here? Is like, we have to be cognizant and aware that healthy takes time. Why do you think I created the going slow course? Because you guys needed the help with that. So Go check that out. But it's there because rushing into it and the love bombing and the this and the coming on. Why do you think it ends so quickly? Oh God, I can't even tell you how many times I had that in New York. I'd meet a guy, a heterosexual woman, right? Again, fill in the pronouns however you want, like love is love to me, I don't give a about any of that. I am just talking about personal experience. Side note, cuz you know, ADHD brain will do that. You know, many times people message me like, is your advice for Joseph women or can men benefit? I'm like, I say they. I always say they because I want to respect that love is love and that everybody is having experience. And I will respect what you want me to call you. And if I get it wrong, please just let me know what you'd like to be called. But other than that, like it's for everybody. Because that's the point of this. Like men love bomb, women love bomb. They love bomb. Everybody does this because for a lot of people it's not out of, it's not out of malice. They're not. Not everyone's a narcissist. Some people are doing it to create safety. Like my friend was who after two weeks they're having these big conversations. He said, you know, we had a six hour talk yesterday. I said it, six hour talk. I what the are you doing? You've known this person for two weeks. And it's like, and I see you guys will write in, you'll send me these nolas of paragraphs to these people. And I'm like, you, you've never met this person. You go, what's happening is you're trying to reestablish the drug, the high, your body is craving it. That when you feel that rush, especially early on, it's your brain saying, chase this, acquire this, get this, get more. But dopamine is completely different from oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone, the one that creates actual attachment and trust. Over time, oxytocin gets released through consist safe interactions, through physical touch that's not just sexual. Through being there for each other, through the hard times and through showing up day after day. But when a relationship starts with intensity, you're getting all dopamine and no oxytocin foundation. So you're getting the high without the bond. And then when the dopamine inevitably drops, because it does, there's nothing underneath it. That is why hot and fast crashes. That's why intensity was the Relationship. Once it's gone, there's nothing left again. That's why those burn out quick. Because once that's gone, you don't have anything built. You don't, you don't. And that's the reality. Why do you think? When I would spend weekends with these guys and then they would leave me and I'd be devastated. It's like I didn't even know what this guy lived. I didn't even know what this guy didn't know he had siblings. I don't know anything about him. But it was intensity. It was no, I need more. I need more. Because here's the thing. I've never done some drugs. Not all. I don't think all drugs are bad, natural ones, right? California, sober. But I've never done heroin, for instance. Like, don't worry, I'm not trying to. But I would imagine it probably is, fine, amazing the first time you do it. That's why people keep doing it, because it's addicting. And maybe, hear me out. Maybe people do this addictive behavior because they get to escape and because if I can focus on them and I can focus on this and the intensity and yay. Finally, finally I get to bypass. Because here's the reality for a lot of people that like to receive love bombing. You want to go from I just met this person to relationship land without everything in between. Why do you think you date? You date so you can vet people. You date so you can see if these are the right people for you. You date so you can make a choice. Not just they're there, they're giving me a lot attention. I'll take it. You can't be shocked at the end of that when you're blindsided or it doesn't work out because you were never making choices. You were just taking what was given to you. Because perhaps you didn't think there was anything else. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. 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Again, that's Sabrina to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. I have been love bombed. Please don't think I haven't. I don't really love bomb people, to be honest, because again, it wasn't because of anything. It's just like I felt weird, you know where I love bomb them with like, too much attention, admiration, too much affection. You want clothes, want software stuff? We.com support a small business, y'. All. I got a clothing line in case you don't know about that. And I am trying to sell off all my inventory so I can move on with my life. So please support a small business. It's all made in la. It's really amazing. We software dot com. But I used to give everything away. I. I would just whatever you wanted. And I'd be like, oh, you want me to hang out with you? Cool, I'll do that. You want to meet all my friends? Cool. You want to come in? You want to do this? You want to do this? You don't have a place to stay. Come stay with me. Why? Cuz I wanted safety. I didn't want to go through the uncomfortable part. I was like, cool. You sound on paper like you could work. So let's just bypass the dating, let's bypass all that stuff and let's go right to the relationship. But the reality is you can't go right to the relationship without a solid foundation. That's like saying I want to build windows in a house, but you don't even have the foundation built. You're not going to be building up if you don't have anything to build up from. So what does that love bombing actually look like? I want to get specific. But first, one quick thing. If you're listening to this and already feel called out, like, this is me or this is exactly what happened to me, I need you to do two things. One, I want you to drop a comment and tell me, how have you been love bombed or have you been the love bomber? I read every single one and I want to know which side you're on. Two, if you're ready to break these patterns and not just understand them. Join the healthy Dating foundation course where that happens. It's eight weeks to repattern, regulate, rebuild. It's the work that changes how you show up. There's also the going slow course. If that feels like you need some support on pacing, on how long to take. We go through all the details and I give you rubrics, I give you prompts and things and journals and all of the so link is in the show notes if you guys need more. Okay. Okay, let's get into signs, baby. These are the five signs I want you to start to look out for. So sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's so flattering you genuinely miss it. The first sign is excessive contact from day one. You get the good morning, you get the check ins, you get the good night text. It feels really attentive at first. So you're like, oh my God, this is great. But then eventually the tip, the scales tip, then it starts to feel like monitoring, right? If you don't respond fast, they notice and they comment. And again, the reason I'm saying this is because I know a lot of you guys listening are on the other side of this. That you're like, like, okay, well I didn't, I'm not love bombing. I'm just texting them good morning every morning. And it's like you don't know this person. Why are you creating them as part of your day to day life? You literally do not know this person. If you're sending good morning and good night text before you've either even had a first date or maybe after the first one, you are no longer being attentive. That could feel like monitoring to a lot of people because if they don't respond fast and you start to notice, then you get hypervigilant, then you get disregulated, then you're wondering what's going on. That feels really overwhelming. And the reality is the reason we're doing that is because you're telling your nervous system, I'm only safe if I have them. I need the dopamine. Where is that hit? It's not actually about the connection because what the is sending a good morning text doing for your connection? Good morning? No, what's under it is, look, you're not going to leave me. Look, you still think about me. Look. See, we're still good. I don't have to fill in the blanks with whatever my core beliefs are. Now. I'm not saying accept charity work that if Somebody never contacts you. But if you've had one or two dates and this person doesn't send you good morning text, stop ending it with people who aren't doing exactly what you want off the bat. Because that's coming from your discomfort of sitting in the space and the silence. That's not how you get to know somebody. That's not building a relationship. That is just quenching your thirst for reassurance first thing in the morning. So you get your dopamine hit. And, you know, I say this with love because I've been there. I've had that. I've had even clients I've had that'll email me, and within an hour, if I don't respond, they're freaking out. And I'm like, hey, by the way, we're not doing this. Like, you need to regulate your nervous system. I am not on call and on demand. If you pay for that package, which I do have that offering, it's not cheap, but you want access to me every single day, you can have that. But I am on my schedule. I am not on your anxiety schedule. So I don't answer a. A DM or something immediately. I don't answer an email immediately because I'm also setting boundaries. And that's really important when you're dating. And a lot of people take boundaries of rejection. But if somebody is setting a boundary, that's because they're trying to keep you in your life, in their life. They're not trying to get rid of you. The second sign, future faking. This is a biggie. Vacations. After the second date, you're meeting family where you'll live, right? You're painting this entire future before you know your present. And the reason that the ending is because you're not grieving just the fact that you bar knew this person. You're grieving all of these future things. Anytime guys would do that or anybody I was dating would do that, my response would be, yeah, as great as that sounds, why don't we get through our next date and then we can start to talk about future things once we're a little bit further along? That's a boundary. If somebody takes as rejection and doesn't try to get curious and doesn't try to understand what I'm saying, then that shows me they were doing it for their ego, not because of me. Because if it's about me, you'll respect what I'm saying and we'll have a conversation about it. The third thing, so this is a bit of a Cognitive dissonance, declarations that don't match reality. I've never felt this way before. You're different. I just know, baby, it's been three weeks, right? Like real feelings develop through time in different contexts. So if they're declaring love before you've even. Before they've even seen you sick, they haven't seen you stressed, they haven't seen you angry, they haven't seen you bored. That's not love. And I know, I know there's going to be the people that are like, no, I just knew. And it's like, well then why are you here right now? Now if you just knew, if within five minute you just knew and it was all the, then you wouldn't be here right now because you'd be in your happy and healthy relationship. You'd be up and you're not and that's okay. Cuz I used to do that. I would like, why do you think I'm so hard on you guys? I was her. I used to meet a guy and I be like, you guys just don't understand. And we just had a connection. No, no, no. That person just didn't know me. Cuz guess who was left on their ass after me. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. I know February is full of flowers and candy and of course, let's talk about relationships and dating. And no matter where you are, whether you're married, you're dating, you're single, it doesn't really matter. You're right on time. And I know how tough it can feel when you see all of your friends getting into relationships or everybody's making their baby announcements and all the while you're just trying to figure out what to eat for lunch today. But that's why therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be. I love Better Help because they have options. So first, first off, they have a therapist match commitment. So Better Help does the initial matchmaking work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? You take a short questionnaire. It helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading. Match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you're not happy with your match, you can choose a different therapist at any time. I also love Better Help because anytime I need it, I can write to my therapist, let them know what's coming up for me. That way when we have our session, I have a bit of a track record of what my thoughts were. So I know what I Want to target when we sit down together, Guys, right now you can sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina Again, that's betterhelp.com Sabrina this episode is sponsored by Momentous. It's a new year. But you know what? That also means a new opportunity for a routine. For me personally, I've really been slacking on the protein, my creatine, just every product that I really need. And so with Momentous I can stay on track. They've built a reputation as the high trust brand in a low trust category by holding themselves to a higher bar. What they call the momentous standard, it's their commitment to doing things the right way, not the easy way. 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And then when he wanted to go on our fifth date, it was like, we're gonna go see the, we're gonna go to the Super Bowl. It's $20,000 a ticket. And I called him. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing this. Sure enough, guess who two days later was like, I'm emotionally unavailable. That same guy. Right? I don't get it. I don't understand this, like grandiosity because for me that shows, like that's not a healthy person. Because a healthy and secure person knows that has to be earned. I could have a billion dollars in the bank account. That doesn't mean I'm just going to give it away to everybody before they've earned access to me. And My generosity and what I give to people, that's like, that's a reframe. Maybe we need to hear. You do not need to stoop to other people's levels so that they can choose you. You stay where the you are and you allow people in your life that have earned a place in your life. I am so tired of seeing people water themselves down, dim their lights just to take what they can get because they're scared of taking up that space. I'd rather be alone than in bad company where I can at least be myself. And the fifth one, pushing for a commitment. Now again, my anxious babes. I know you're going to be like, what I'm not doing mean that exclusive immediately delete the apps after, like, the first three dates. Here's the thing. Why are you rushing? What are they afraid you'll see with more time? What are you afraid they're going to see with more time? What are you hoping? What is rushing into it? Do again, I understand that you're just like, no, no, I met them and I don't want to date anybody else. But what that is, is that's your discomfort. You don't want to be uncomfortable. And is this going to work out? I don't know. You want certainty of like, okay, because I hear this every day. No, no. Once we're. We're exclusive out there, be fine. And then it's once we're in a relationship and then once we're engaged, and then once. It's always a once. This. Because it's not about them. It's about the reassurance it gives you. Go slow, baby. I'm telling you right now, the reason relationships are failing for you is because you're rushing into them as if it's a race you need to win instead of something that you actually get to vet. Slow it the down in dating. And then come back and tell me how your experiences are when you are no longer waiting to be chosen. And now you're doing the choosing. So to me, if it feels like a campaign instead of a conversation, I want you to trust the feeling. Now, here's where it gets tricky, because not everyone who does this is a bad person. In a few minutes, I'm going to explain why you might actually be addicted to this pattern. So that's more the unconscious love bomber. Again, not everyone that's doing this is a narcissist. And we have to, like, actually start to see that because for me, I was just super fucking anxious. Anxiously attached. People can love bomb without meaning to, because they feel things intensely and they want certainty. They're trying to create connection by acting like it exists. So especially someone single for a while when they finally meet someone they like, right? I hear this all the time of like, I haven't felt this in a while and I, I barely, I never meet anybody I really like. And it's like, I've been hearing you complain about the last 17 people. Like, yes, you do meet people. And a lot of them will go on alone because they're terrified of losing this right? Or someone with low self worth over give over pursue, trying to earn love. I understand that it doesn't. Like, intent is important, but intent doesn't matter as much as the impact because whether it's manipulative or unconscious, you're resulting in the same thing that a relationship built on, on intensity and is not substance. And again, I'm not saying this to shame or blame anybody. This isn't about like, oh my God, you're a terrible person. Of course intent matters because it's important for you to know that you're not the narcissist in the group. But at the end of the day, intent, sure. But what's the impact? The impact is still like, you know, I hear this all, I don't get it, why I'm so heartbroken. I'm devastated. And then when I look and I'm like, nah, you rushed into it. You rushed into it and now you're going through withdrawal. Your brain is like, oh my God, give me the chemicals, give me the dopamine, give me it all. All. But you don't always get to have that. There are going to be times where it's slow and it's boring. And I think to me, the biggest thing that people miss is that they think, oh, well, I'm just, just because I'm anxious, it's okay. And it's like, but it's not, it's kind of not like I don't really care what the reason is. It's not appropriate. Like with my friend. Like, I gave it to him and he wanted, he took a few days before he spoke to me again. He was like, I need to digest this. I need to chew on this. Like, I'm feeling a lot. And I was like, that's okay. I'm not, I'm not a good friend if I don't tell you though, on a truth. And I think that's the reality. So let's do a quick check. If this is hitting, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Send it to the group chat someone who needs this episode. Or leave a comment below and let me know what you're thinking. But share it when you're group chats, especially on your Facebook groups. Those girls need my help or my boys need my help. And don't forget about the going slow course if you need more support. Okay, There is a reason the stable person feels boring and the chaos keeps you hooked. So let's talk about a study, right? So the reason being is that like the person, that one that feels like stable could be boring, while the hot and cold person keeps you completely hooked. And it's not because you're broken. It's because of something called intermittent reinforcement. And we have spoken about this, but we're going to go over it again because we need a reminder comes from B.F. skinner's research. He did these experiments with pigeons pressing levers for food. They also have done it with rats. They've done it with different animals, but we're just going to go in the pigeon. When a. When a pigeon pressed a lever and got food every single time, it was a predictable reward and it pressed the lever normally, right? No big deal, right? It's there. I know it is. But when he changed it so that the pigeon only got food randomly, sometimes yes, sometimes no. Know, completely unpredictable, the pigeon became obsessed. It would pull the lever over and over and over, even when no food was coming, even when it was getting nothing. Because maybe this time, maybe the next time. And this is exactly what happens when someone is hot and cold with you. When they shower you with the attention and they pull away when they're in all in one week. And then distant the next, your brain is pressing the lever. If I just do this, right? If I do this, maybe I'll get the pellet of food. If I do this, maybe I'll be enough. Maybe they'll give me the good. This episode is sponsored by Cash App. I'm very much a millennial and I am so here for a reward or status program. And that's why I love Cash App. I was getting bored with my debit card that wasn't offering me anything. But Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. 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Visit Cash App Legal podcast for full disclosures. I was a addict with this stuff. You told me jump. I said, how high? That's why the texting was like my lifeline. Because if I text and I'm like, maybe this is it. Maybe this is it. Especially when it would end and I'd be like, maybe I could get them back. Maybe if I take ownership of this, of this, maybe, maybe, maybe, right? If I did all of these things. And you know what? That was my father and my childhood. A couple of weeks ago, not even, like, last week, I talked about my biggest heartbreak. Let's listen to that episode and you'll see it's not love. It's an addiction to uncertainty. You're not crazy, you're just conditioned. And I think for me, that's something that's really, really important to look at, is like, there's nothing wrong with you, but we have to start to get curious about, like, where did I learn this behavior from? Who else in my life has been in control, consistent? So I want to talk about what does real connection actually look like? Like, what is the shift? Right? Because we talk all day about, like, what we should stop doing, but what are we actually doing? Real connection can be very boring. And that's okay. It's so funny. One of my friends text me the other day and she goes, I finally understand now that I'm dating this guy what you've been saying about healthy equals boring. She's like, I get it. You know? Because like, the minute she'll start to freak out of, why isn't he texting me? Then he'll text her. And she's like, oh, oh. He's like, not doing these games. And then she started to get bored and I had to be there. And I was like, girl, come back here. We are not getting bored with so four signs. It's real one. Curious, but you're. It's just not infatuated. They're asking questions because they want to get to know the real you. They're interested in your flaws. It's not just highlights, and it's not just them bopping out when they see something that they don't like. There's mutual pacing. Both of you are leaning in at a roughly the same speed. It's not one person pursuing while the other one gets swept up. That's why I'm saying the chase. It's like. And what happens when you get what you're chasing? You're very rarely into it anymore. Responsive to boundaries, right? This is moving fast. They respond well, not defensive. Love bombers cannot handle you trying to slow it down. Even if it's from anxiety, whether it be narcissism because they don't like boundaries, or from anxiety and anxious attachment of, like, wanting that safety. They take it as a personal front of, like, you don't want me. You don't like me. Oh, my God, I knew it. I'm too much. It's like, no, no. Maybe that person's being honest with you. Like, it's sustainable. It's not manic. It's not 100 texts and disappearing. It's steady. It's not a roller coaster. The person who makes you, like, feel very calm might be a better choice than the one who makes you feel like, I haven't felt this in years. Years. It's not that that's bad. I'm not saying that, like, if you meet somebody and you have, like, a chemistry and all this, that you should never pursue it. But be aware. Keep your eyes open. 10 toes on the ground, right? Head where your feet are. Be in the present moment, not getting swept up into this limerence. Okay, let's talk about slow down. If you're not sure if it's love bombing or real slow it down and watch what happens. Maybe you say something like this. I really like you, and I want to make sure we're building something real. Can we pace this a little more intentionally? Intentionally. A genuine response would be, absolutely. I totally understand. Thank you for telling me. Maybe somebody with a love bombing would get defensive, like, I thought you liked me, though. Or they might be guilty, like, why is being honest about my feelings a problem? They might pull away because intensity disappears because it was never about you. Or maybe they push back, like, why can't you just enjoy this? I don't understand how someone responds to a boundary. Tells you everything about who they are. And what more thing? And this might be the most important part. Some of you aren't being love bombed. You're doing the love bombing. And that's what we were talking about. Right? I get it. I understand. When you've been single for a while, you're falling fast and hard. I want you to start to get curious with yourself. Am I trying to create certainty by acting like it already exists? Be real, like, okay, that's why I had one of my clients. And she said, yeah, I joined this new group and it was manifested as if it's already you yours. And I said, I'm gonna be honest. What does that look like? And she's like, every day I tell myself I have my boyfriend all this. And I said, how's that make you feel? And she's like, I'm exhausted. And I said, because it's not reality. Act like you already have it means be confident in who you are, that it's on its way to you. Not that you have to go around good morning, baby. When there's no one in your house. Because then everybody you date, you're like, this could be it. This could be it. This could be it. So maybe we can get curious about what am I creating? Am I over sharing early to fast track intimate intimacy? Right? Like, that was what my friend was doing with. He was having these crazy conversations and all this. And I was like, no, you just want to explain yourself to hope that this person's going to see you. And that's a childhood core belief and wound. Am I pushing for commitment because I'm excited or because I'm scared? If it's both, that's okay. But then maybe we get curious of, like, excited. Great, let me get to know this person again. Or again, better. Am I curious about who this person is or am I projecting who I want them to be? That's really important to me. Most dangerous love bombing is when you do it to your self. You're deciding they're the one before you have any evidence. You're building a future in your head after three dates. That's not intuition. That's anxiety. So let's go into the tool of the week because, you know, it's my favorite. I love the power of the pause. Okay, so I call it the reality check pause. And it's. This is what I want you to use in real time when you're in the middle of what? Like that whirlwind when someone is making you feel like you're the only person on the planet and you're Feeling like you finally found this person after two weeks. Before you go any further, before you have the what are we? Conversation or share what you want, before you delete your apps, before you tell your friends you found the one, pause and ask yourself these three very important questions. One, what do I actually know about this person? Not what they've told me, not how they make me feel. What have I observed with my own eyes over time? Have I seen them handle stress? How have they been with wait staff? Have I seen them in conflict with me or someone else? Have I seen them disappointed? Have I seen them bored? If you can't answer the questions, you don't know them yet you know their representative. And that was what happened with my friend. He was like, but everything was going so well. And then the minute we had a disagreement, I'm like, you saw who they really, really are. Question 2. Am I excited or am I relieved? It's a big one. There's a difference between I'm excited about who this person is and I'm relieved that someone finally wants me. One is about them, and one is about your fear of being alone. Be honest with yourself about which one is driving you right now. That was why I dated my ex. He was a great guy, don't get me wrong, but he loved Bombay because both of us were in our. And I think about that often. I'm like, I was just relieved of, like, cool. I have someone wasn't because I genuinely wanted this person. And then the third one. What would I tell my best best friend? If your best friend came to you and said, I've been on three dates with this person and they're like, we're moving in together. Let me meet their parents. I think this is the one. What would you say to them? You'd probably be like, yeah, slow the down. You might be concerned. Now say that to yourself. Give yourself the same advice you'd give to someone you love. The reality check pause won't kill the magic if the magic is real, but it will slow you down enough to see what's actually happening and, like, who they are versus who you're projecting. Keep that. Okay? I want you guys to really, really trust yourself for once in your goddamn life. Please stop. And it's okay. Here's the reality. Someone that's genuinely into you, that has the intentions of being in a relationship with you, that genuinely wants to build something, isn't going to be scared when you tell them that you want to slow the pace down. Especially if you explain, hey, we've moved really fast. I don't want to see you every single day. I'd like to have some space in between so I can miss you a little bit. How do you feel about. About that you're allowed to be honest with people and if that person comes back with deflection, starts to get upset, then you have your answer. Because someone who is truly intentional in building something with you isn't going to get scared when you say that you need a little bit more time to build it. It's not about excuses and just being like, I'm not ready for a relationship. You can give quantifiable things to this person so that both of you can make choices and you can stop waiting to see if they're choosing you. So if this episode episode hit and like really hit and you're just like, oh, my God, I'm so ready to stop. I just want to understand my patterns and actually change them. That's where the Healthy Dating foundation course is open. It's eight weeks again. You get to repattern, regulate, rebuild. This is the work that changes how you show up in every relationship. So link is in show notes or@sabrina zohar.com or you can join the going slow course depending on, like, if that's really what you're struggling with. It's like if you got your good foundation, but you just want to learn how to go slow, baby, I got you. And if you want to go deeper, I do have one on one. You can ask a question, whatever you guys want. And again, if you're not following the show, please do that. And if you've been listening for a while and you haven't left a review, that's the single best thing you can do to help the show grow. It takes 30 seconds and I read every single one of them. And I'm so grateful for you guys. Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to guide you guys. And just a reminder, intensity is not intimacy, and speed is not certainty. The right person will still be there even if you don't lock them down immediately. I want you to remember that what's for you won't pass you, baby. And so now it's time for you to decide what you're willing to allow and start to grieve the ending of things. Because you might start setting boundaries. You might not not, like, have people that stay. But it's not about the ones that go. It's about the ones that do stay with you, the ones that do respect you, the ones that do care about who you are. I'm really proud of you guys. I love you. And as always, thank you for being here. And until next time, babes.
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