The Sabrina Zohar Show – Episode 187

Am I Falling For Their Potential? In The Trenches w/ Damona Hoffman

Release date: February 10, 2026
Guests: Damona Hoffman (Certified Dating Coach, Author of F the Fairytale)

Episode Overview

In this raw, honest episode, host Sabrina Zohar invites renowned dating and relationship coach Damona Hoffman for a real talk about the pitfalls of falling for someone's "potential" rather than their reality. Together, they dissect modern dating myths, common anxieties, and the ways that romantic fantasies—fueled by Disney, rom-coms, and social media—hinder our ability to connect authentically and spot true compatibility.

With listener emails as case studies, Sabrina and Damona offer direct, actionable advice about boundaries, emotional maturity, and the courage it takes to see a person as they are. They advocate for self-awareness, compassionate reality-checks, and intentional dating that moves beyond superficial connection and fantasy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Breaking Up with the Fairy Tale

• The Fairy Tale Lie:
  Sabrina opens:

  "Disney lied to us... this Prince Charming that comes and swoops you up and is everything you've ever wanted… that's why as adults we become so obsessed with the idea of people and really their potential. But at the end of the day, are you looking at what is or what if?" (00:58)

• Damona's Journey:
  Damona shares her transition from a casting director and online dating hopeful to a dating coach, drawing parallels between acting headshots and online dating profiles.

  "What I would tell actors about having headshots that would stand out... it's basically online dating." (02:24)
  She also asserts the need for dating education: "We have this incorrect notion that we're supposed to just know how to date... It’s maddening." (03:33)

Realities of Modern Dating

• Shifting Norms and Technology's Impact:

  • The speed and style of modern communication (texts, DMs) have both increased accessibility and fostered bad behavior and superficial intimacy.
  • The anxiety from dopamine loops generated by texting and "good morning" messages is artificial.
  • Damona:

    "The dissonance that's created between those two mediums... people are very different in person than they are behind a screen." (06:23, 09:15)
    "Online dating is just a road to meeting in person... where we get in trouble is when we start to have these fantasy ideas." (09:15)

• Self-Awareness and Behavior Change:
  Modern singles are more aware of their mental health and boundaries than previous generations, but often lack real-world experience or practice.
  Sabrina:

  "Are you noticing that as well with the way that people are connecting? Because I'm seeing either the dopamine addiction loops... everything is this urgency and immediacy as opposed to how are they in person?" (08:15)

The Trap of Projecting Potential

• Fantasy vs. Reality:
  Both speakers highlight how easy it is to invent a fantasy based on someone's texts, profile, or surface details—leading to heartbreak when reality doesn't match.
  Sabrina shares a personal story:

  "I matched with this guy ... we were texting all the time ... anytime I didn't hear from him ... full on panic attacks ... but who this person was when we were texting ... I got to create this fantasy ... I show up on the date ... and he was flat... totally different." (15:38)

• Intentionality over Prolonged Fantasy:
  Damona's "one-to-one rule":

  "You have to meet between one day and one week from the time you match... after that, you're starting to create a vision of a person that may or may not actually exist in real life." (15:09)

Advice: Listener Q&A

1. The "Attachment Style of a F***boy" (28:04–34:50)

• Situation: Listener M is fixated on analyzing a hot/cold romantic interest's attachment style after inconsistent communication and being ghosted, then reconnecting.

• Damona's perspective:

  "People tell you who they are early on... believe them the first time... He's literally flashing red lights at you saying, this is who I am. This is what I want. And you're like, la, la la, la, la, la. I cannot hear that." (28:04)

• Sabrina:

  "We have got to stop diagnosing people in their attachment styles, because that's self-abandonment. If I can focus on them, I can avoid the pain." (33:03)

• Insight: Stop chasing the fantasy or overanalyzing "potential"—see what is right in front of you and set boundaries accordingly.

2. The "No Fully Developed Frontal Lobe" (36:52–45:31)

• Situation: Listener (age 20) is unsure whether to continue with a 26-year-old man who is reluctant to define the relationship, shares little emotional intimacy, but still makes future plans.

• Damona:

  "The question is not about the future of the relationship. The question is about the emotional intimacy and the need that's not getting met in the relationship." (36:52)
  "Sometimes there's, like, time served, time invested mentality ... I don't want to start back at the starting line with somebody else." (44:24)

• Sabrina:

  "The spark got me into therapy. ... feelings don't always lead me to where I need to go because they have an idea of somebody, and then I'm not really seeing them for who they are." (43:24)

• Takeaway: Seek clarity, not fantasy. If vulnerability and shared lives are missing, it's okay to ask for more—and to move on if it’s not reciprocated.

Vulnerability and Growth

• Learning from Disappointment:
  Damona:

  "Things are going to happen in dating that piss you off, that make you feel like crap ... how do we turn that into the fairy tale?" (19:26)

• Rewriting Your Story:
  The real fairy tale is self-determined and reality-based, not externally prescribed by Disney or Hollywood.

  "You have the power to write your own fairytale. You have the power to write your own story." (19:26)

• Healing Through Action and Self-Reflection:
  Sabrina:

  "If I admitted the person was limited, then admitting they were limited means I have to admit I was allowing it ... then I had to make a determination of what I was gonna do with it. And that was terrifying." (31:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Communication is important, but there's a time and a place." — Sabrina Zohar (05:56)
• "Don't get caught up in the fantasy." — Damona Hoffman (13:48)
• "We want to turn off the wrong people. We don't want to get in a text exchange, get five dates in and realize it's not a match." — Damona Hoffman (24:11)
• "Clarity is worth so much more than happily ever after." — Damona Hoffman (45:25)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:58 — Cultural myths and the fantasy of potential in relationships.
• 02:24 — Damona’s background and origins as a dating coach.
• 06:23 — How communication and technology have shifted dating experiences.
• 13:06 — The "dopamine loop" of texting vs. true intimacy.
• 15:09 — Damona's "One day to one week" rule for moving offline.
• 15:38 — Sabrina’s candid story of projecting fantasy onto a date.
• 19:26 — Rejecting the external fairy tale narrative.
• 28:04 — Listener Q&A: Diagnosing the unavailable or inconsistent partner.
• 36:52 — Listener Q&A: Dealing with lack of emotional intimacy and clarity in new relationships.
• 43:24 — The myth of "the spark" and true long-term connection.
• 45:25 — The value of clarity over fantasy in relationships.

Final Thoughts

This episode is a must-listen for anyone tired of dating on autopilot, getting lost in possibility rather than reality, or struggling to let go of romantic myths. Sabrina and Damona urge listeners to claim agency, trust their own wisdom, and use dating as a tool for greater self-awareness and empowerment.

Where to find Damona Hoffman:
@damonahoffman on social media, the Dates and Mates podcast, and her book "F the Fairy Tale."

“Clarity is worth so much more than happily ever after.” — Damona Hoffman (45:25)