The Sabrina Zohar Show

Episode 188: If You’re Losing Yourself in Relationships, This Episode Is For You
Release Date: February 13, 2026
Host: Sabrina Zohar (@sabrina.zohar)

Episode Overview

In this deeply personal and practical episode, Sabrina Zohar delves into the concept of self-abandonment in relationships. She shares her own therapeutic journey and combines it with clinical research to illuminate why so many of us lose ourselves in love—and how to reclaim our own sense of self. The episode is packed with personal stories, psychological frameworks, and actionable tools, making it an essential listen for anyone ready to break old patterns and build secure, healthy connections without losing their authenticity.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Does It Mean to Choose Yourself?

• Sabrina opens by acknowledging the confusion around “choosing yourself,” especially if being yourself was criticized in childhood.
  • "Being myself has always been the problem. So how can that now be the solution?" (04:15)
• She challenges the misconception that self-care is just superficial (e.g., “bubble baths and face masks”), emphasizing deeper self-validation and self-trust.
• Insight: True self-choosing is about honoring your needs, feelings, and boundaries, not just surface-level self-care.

2. Understanding Self-Abandonment

• Self-abandonment happens when we prioritize others' needs, moods, or approval above our own to maintain connection and avoid rejection.
• Sabrina shares a personal story of reacting to being stood up in dating:
  • “If I had chosen myself, I would have moved on with my life... Instead, I went batshit crazy... I was just pretty much telling myself, what you think doesn't matter. What they think does.” (03:35)
• Many people mislabel self-abandonment as compromise, love, or “being a good partner.”

3. The Origins: Family Dynamics & Attachment

• Sabrina references psychiatrist Bowen’s concept of "differentiation of self"—the ability to remain true to your thoughts and feelings, even in close relationships.
• Fusion vs. Differentiation:
  • Fusion: Emotions and identities blend—hard to know where you end and your partner begins.
  • Differentiation: Ability to remain self-connected while close to others.
• Childhood experiences, particularly in enmeshed or narcissistic families, set the foundation for adult patterns.
  • “How could I create my own sense of self when, as a kid, I wasn't allowed to have my own sense of self?” (07:10)

4. The Science Behind Losing Yourself

• Differentiation as a Predictor of Relationship Health:
  • A meta-review of 295 studies (1978–2020) found higher differentiation predicts better mental and physical health, stronger relationships, and family integration. (11:42)
  • “Your ability to stay you while close to someone else is one of the strongest predictors of whether your relationship will actually work.” (11:48)
• Neuroscience of Self-Abandonment:
  • The amygdala (fear center) tags emotional threats such as perceived rejection, while the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking) helps override reactions. Under stress, the amygdala takes over.
  • “When you sense a potential disconnection... your amygdala fires like you're in danger. In that state, your rational brain... loses the battle.” (19:10)
• Key Takeaway: Self-abandonment is not a character flaw but an adaptive strategy learned in childhood to maintain safety and connection.

5. Three Forms of Self-Abandonment

(23:05–25:25)

• Preference Abandonment:
  • Losing opinions and preferences; adopting partner’s likes/dislikes; “I don’t want to be difficult.”
  • “You stop having opinions and every decision is about reading them first.” (27:12)
• Emotional Outsourcing:
  • Making your partner responsible for your mood; inability to self-soothe; emotional state fluctuates with theirs.
  • “You've made them responsible for your emotional state. If they're happy, you're okay. If they're distant, you spiral.” (28:15)
• Boundary Betrayal:
  • Saying yes when you mean no; tolerating violations to keep the peace; staying in wrong situations because leaving feels worse.
  • “You've stayed in situations that felt wrong because leaving felt worse.” (30:06)

6. The Power of “I-Position” and Differentiation

(32:00)

• Bowen’s “I-Position” Exercise:

  • State your feelings/needs without blaming or requiring agreement.
  • Example: “I felt hurt when you dismissed what I was saying,” vs. “You always dismiss me.”
  • “The I position lets you be honest without it being a grenade.” (32:30)

• Markers of Choosing Yourself:

  1. Hold your position even if they’re upset.
  2. Tolerate their discomfort without self-betrayal.
  3. Maintain friendships, hobbies—have a life outside the relationship.
  4. Speak up even if it risks friction.

• Study Note: Couples with higher differentiation had less conflict, not more—disagreements didn’t threaten the relationship. (34:03)

7. Practical Tool: The Fusion Check

(42:22)

• Sabrina gives a five-question litmus test for self-abandonment:
  1. Can you name three things you want—separate from your partner?
  2. Can you regulate your emotions when they’re in a bad mood?
  3. Can you hold your position in conflict without attacking or caving?
  4. Do you have and maintain a life outside the relationship?
  5. Can you tolerate their disappointment without rushing to fix it?
  • “If you’re answering no to most of these, you’ve crossed from healthy connection into self-erasure.” (44:11)
• “The work isn’t becoming cold. It’s to be in the relationship without leaving yourself.” (44:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Self-Worth:
  “I’m not angry with anybody at that time because I think everybody in that time did the best they could with the information they knew. But I will say it left a mark on me.” (09:20)

• On Fear of Loss vs. Self-Loss:
  “The people who are most afraid of losing the relationship, are often the ones destroying it by fusing... I want you in my life. I don’t need you in my life. You know who I need? Me.” (12:32)

• On Abandonment Patterns:
  “You learned to abandon yourself before you could be abandoned.” (20:45)

• On Emotional Fusion:
  “You can’t be chosen if you’re not there to be chosen. If you’ve erased yourself, they're not in a relationship with you.” (31:27)

• On Healthy Boundaries:
  “You’re allowed to piss people off. You’re allowed to hurt someone’s feelings. It doesn’t have to be harmful.” (46:05)

• On Relationship Security:
  “Differentiation creates stability. It’s two people who know who they are, choosing each other from that place.” (41:21)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:59 – Sabrina’s intro and personal context for the episode
• 04:15 – Reflections on “being yourself” as a struggle and a solution
• 07:10 – Family origins of self-abandonment
• 11:42 – Clinical evidence on differentiation and relationship health
• 19:10 – Brain science: amygdala hijack in relationships
• 23:05 – The three types of self-abandonment
• 27:12 – Preference abandonment explained
• 28:15 – Emotional outsourcing described
• 30:06 – Boundary betrayal dynamics
• 32:00 – Using the “I-position”
• 34:03 – Research: Differentiation leads to less conflict
• 42:22 – The Fusion Check: self-assessment tool
• 44:11 – Signs you’re losing yourself
• 46:05 – Permission to tolerate others’ disappointment
• End – Sabrina’s closing thoughts on self-love and showing up authentically

Final Reflections

Sabrina closes by reaffirming that choosing yourself is not about being cold or selfish—it’s the only way to be truly present in any relationship. She urges listeners to reclaim their opinions, tolerate discomfort, and let themselves be seen so that they can love and be loved authentically.

“The most radical thing you can do for your relationship: come back, reclaim your opinions. Regulate your own nervous system. Risk their disappointment by being honest. Choose yourself, baby. It’s not instead of them, but so there’s actually someone there to choose them back.” (46:35)

Further Resources

• Fusion Check Exercise
• Clinical research references on differentiation
• Therapy resources and Sabrina’s one-on-one support: sabrinazohar.com

For listeners ready to stop self-abandoning, this episode is a compassionate and actionable guide to internal transformation and healthier love.