← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
188: If You’re Losing Yourself in Relationships, This Episode Is For You
00:34:13
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I love him. Whatever our souls are made of, his.
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And mine are the same experience. The greatest love story of all time.
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Why did you leave me?
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Why did you betray your own heart?
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A film by Emerald Fennell Heathcliff, Margot Robbie Jacob Elordi Kiss Me and let us both be damned. Wuthering Heights Original songs by Charlie XCX now playing only in theaters. Experience at an IMAX Rated R Under 17 not admitted without parent.
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Can you answer simple about yourself anymore? What do you want for dinner? What you do this weekend? If they weren't a factor, you stopped having opinions, preferences and a life outside of their reaction to you. And you might have called it love, you might have called it being compromising, you might call it being a good partner. But yourself abandoning. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends, welcome back. It's Friday and it's also Friday, pre Valentine's Day or whenever you're listening to this. And today we're gonna talk about like, what does it mean to choose yourself? What does it mean to show up for yourself? And how do you stop truly self abandoning? And at the end, as always, we have our tool of the week, which is the fusion check at the end. Guys, please don't forget rate and review the show. Please, please leave a comment. It doesn't matter. Even if it's just a heart, share it with a friend and just let anybody know about the show. It means the world. If you guys want anything, you've got the link in bio. You can work one on one. You can get ad free if that's a preference for you. And as always, you guys can slow the show down. I totally. My speech might not be for everybody. And if that's the case, you do have some control over it and I want you to know that. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hey, friends, this is a really special episode to me. And because it's something that I've personally really been exploring in therapy, I have been Trying to understand what does it genuinely mean to choose yourself and not again in the bubble bass and face masks of, like, everything's amazing and lovely. I don't need you to gaslight yourself into thinking that this life is something that it's just not. But what I do want us to say is, like, how can we be comfortable to choose ourselves? What does that genuinely mean? And what is self abandonment? Because, you know, we've talked about this on different episodes. If you're new here, by the way, welcome. And if you're coming back, welcome back. As always. You know, we have so many new people coming into the ecosystem and into our family, so might some things might be repeated. But I do my best to try to keep evolving the show so that we can continue on having these conversations. But I think for me personally, I genuinely couldn't fathom what it meant to choose myself. Like, I was even looking back, you know, just scrolling through my old photos, and I found a text message that I had of this guy. And I was. I didn't even, like, remember. I was like, what the fuck is this? And it was like seven screenshots of just paragraphs from me of, like, calling this guy names and printing, you're fucking asshole. Grow up, be a man. Da, da, da. And I was so volatile. All because, to my knowledge, he was. He. Like, we wanted to hang out, we didn't. And I saw him go out with friends instead. Or, like, I think maybe he had even, like, stood me up. And in the time, it's like, if I had chosen myself, I would have moved on with my life. I would have taken that as, oh, no, thank you. Like, you're not somebody for me. And instead, what did I do? I went batshit crazy. I went back into protest behavior. I started texting a ton, really trying to get him to tell me that I'm right, that that's okay. Then all of these, and I was just pretty much telling myself, what you think doesn't matter. What they think does. And it's so funny because I have other stories I'm dying to share with you guys that have been so profound in my journey. But they're in the book. I want to wait because I don't want you guys to get it spoiled. But I was in therapy the other day, and I said something that kind of unlocked a lot for me. Being myself has always been the problem. So how can that now be the solution? Because growing up, being myself was met with, you're too much. You need to be smaller, be quiet, stop talking. So much. You're too fast. And now as an adult, we're told, but be yourself, right? Be unapologetically you. And that can be really confusing when we don't know who we are. And being ourselves has always been a problem. And now I give you permission to step into that power to let that little version of, you know, there's never been a problem with them. They've always been amazing and incredible as who they are. They just had other people in their environment that taught them differently. And it hit me in that moment, how can I trust my gut? How can I believe in myself? How can I think that I know what's right and what's wrong when I wasn't taught how to cultivate experience? You know, I think a lot of people ask, like, how did you get this confident? And it's like, oh, let me tell you, confidence doesn't come because you know that you can do something. Confidence comes when you do something. You don't die, and then you realize you are capable of doing it. You don't get confidence before you do the act. You get confidence after you do the act. And once you show yourself that there you're there for you and that you have your own back, that's how we become more confident in our lives so that we can show up differently and start to demand different things. And so I wanted to talk about really the science of losing ourselves, right? And how this really comes about, because there are different concepts. So there's something called the differentiation of self. So Bowen was a psychiatrist in 1950s, working with families of schizophrenic patients. He noticed that in certain families, people couldn't tell where their emotions ended in someone else's began. So he called that fusion. And he spent his entire career studying the opposite differentiation. So differentiation of self equals your ability to either stay connected to your own thoughts and feelings while in close relationships, not have your emotional state hijacked by their emotional state for you to say what you think without it feeling like a threat to the relationship. And for to allow them to have their experience without merging with it or it being destabilized. And that was really tough. That's where codependency comes in. A lot of the times when I was with my ex, the biggie, right, the one that was from a few episodes ago, I. If. If he was in a bad mood, I was in a bad mood. If he was in a good mood, I was in a good mood. That was my childhood. We all revolved around my father and the moods in the house. So, of course, how could I create my own sense of self when, as kid, I wasn't allowed to have my own sense of self? When you have a narcissistic parent who believes that the world revolves around them, that you are an extension of the parent, it's going to be really tough for you to have your own sense of self because you've never been allowed to do so. So now as an adult, we look and say, but why does this feel so confusing? And I'm really struggling and I don't know what to do because we weren't taught that. You weren't taught how to have. Nobody came to you and said, I'm really proud of you. And it's funny because one of the stories that's in the book that I won't share yet, soon enough, that was pretty monumental. I've been working through that in my therapy right now. And whenever I go to her, I try to go in and hug her, and I'm like, let me love you. And she pushes away and she says, I'm not ready for that. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, that's okay. And every time I say, but I'm so proud of you, you followed your gut. Her response to me is, yeah, but it didn't matter because nobody believed me. And I think I didn't believe me because the situation that transpired when I was a kid, when I was dismissed and told that's not what happened, I stopped trusting myself. I stopped believing in my gut. But my gut kept me safe. My gut literally helped me save my life. But at nine years old, when you have people discrediting that experience, you really struggle to then say, but can I trust myself? I thought I did something right, and you're telling me I didn't. And so for years, years, I went around thinking, I made this up. I am fucking a lunatic. And none of this happened until my adult life when my sister and I spoke about it. And she goes, oh, I remember that day. And I said, wait, you mean it happened? And she said, yeah. And in that moment, I realized, oh, my God, I was right. Holy shit, I didn't make this up. And it changed a lot for me because now it allowed me to understand where I learned this from. I'm not angry with anybody at that time because I think everybody in that time did the best they could with the information they knew. But I will say it left a mark on me. And that doesn't mean I can't evolve and move on. But what that means Is I now need to learn how to trust myself. I need to learn the difference when again the episode on anxiety versus intuition. Anxiety is urgency. I need to do it now. I have to have an answer. I have to have something. Intuition is a calmer experience that comes with the space for you to access choice so that way you're not so beholden on. It has to happen this moment, otherwise I'm not safe. Because your intuition says we are going to handle this because we know what's right. And I'm learning the difference between that. I don't know if I've told you guys this. Every time I come on to record an episode, I get really anxious. I get so anxious that I'm not going to enough and I'm not going to help people and I'm not going to be there for them and I don't know what I'm talking about. And I have to remind myself that's what you were taught, Sabrina. But that doesn't mean that's what you are. That's just what someone told you. But that doesn't mean that's who you are. And I get to now say every single day I have my back. Do you want to know how I'm able to tell my partner, hey, I don't like what you did? Hey, this doesn't feel right. It's because I've allowed myself to take up the space and I don't shame myself if it doesn't get met with somebody that is loving and kind. Because people that have benefited from the fact that your more quiet, those people are going to push back on the boundaries that you set because they've benefited from the fact that you didn't have any. This episode is sponsored by Green Chef. Are you guys annoyed like I am with misleading healthy meals? Right? Like I am so tired of seeing things where I need to eat a great meal and then I look at the ingredients and realize it is not actually good for me. My favorite part of Green Chef is that you can trust every bite with over 40 clean, customizable weekly recipes designed to give you peace of mind. Which I need because I always forget to eat. And hello ADHD brain. And Green Chef makes it so simple because I get everything I need in one simple box. So every Green Chef box delivers certified organic produce and responsibly sourced proteins in seafood. That means avoiding ultra processed fillers. Plus it's super convenient. They get to do the research, the meal planning and grocery shopping you enjoy. Low prep, low mess meals for every lifestyle. Guys, head to greenchef.com 50sABrina and use code 50sABrina to get 50 off your first month then 20 off for two months with free shipping that is increable. That's code 50sABrina@greenchef.com 50sABRINA I absolutely love green chef and I hope you guys.
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Study babies because you know I love to do that so there was a clinical psychology review so massive scoping review that analyzed 295 studies on differentiation of self from 1978-20 found consistent evidence that higher differentiation predicts better psychological health, higher relationship and marital quality, better physical health, health not help I could talk and better integrational family relationships. This isn't just a fringe theory. This is nearly 300 studies over 40 years consistently show that your ability to stay you while close to someone else is one of the strongest predictors of whether your relationship will actually work. This is not and this is I have like 15 studies that show this because you have less fear of abandonment in your relationship. When you're so worried of them losing you, you're more worried of you losing yourself. The people who are most afraid of losing the relationship are often the ones destroying it by fusing the ones who can hold on to themselves are actually more secure and more satisfied in the relationship because I want you in my life. I don't need you in my life. You know who I need? Me. I need to save me. I need to be there for me. I have to be the one that validates my emotions and feelings. I have to be the one that tells me it's okay to feel this and I have to be the one to give myself permission to speak up up and to disappoint people if I do so that doesn't mean that I can't still learn how to communicate effectively use I statements not lose my on people. But what that does mean is that me being me is not a threat to my relationship because we are two whole people. Not half trying to come together to create a whole but all of this to say right again, I have like 15 studies about this all of this to say is that the anxiety you feel in relationships, right, if you're constantly scanning for their approval, the fear of saying the wrong things, that's not you just being anxious. It is a measurable mark of low differentiation. And your body is telling you you've lost yourself, right? When we I. When our identities entangle, their mood becomes yours, their approval becomes your oxygen. When we fuse, rather, we have two incomplete people clinging to each other. And I'm not saying that like you need to be cold and things like that, but to me, what I want you to start to get curious is where did you learn this from? Differentiation is developed, or perhaps not in childhood based on how your family handled emotions, closeness and individuality. Like I said, for me and my family, that was a threat. We did not space to be able to just be ourselves. That was not a safe place for us to be. So now my work is okay, I don't rep. I don't want to replicate what my parents had. So now I need to put the work in to make sure that my relationship I am a whole person with them. And that's why self abandonment and early dating. The reason I wanted to have this conversation before Valentine's Day around that time was because whether you're single, in a relationship, married, that doesn't matter. You coming home to yourself is never too late. Because you can do that at any time. I'm here for you. I need you to be here for you. I need to pause here for a moment and make a very important announcement. So if you're here watching this video right now, you're not just casually consuming content. You're here because you're ready for a change. You're done with the same patterns sabotaging your love life. And you know that 2026 is your year for a serious love reset. Baby, I see you and I want you to know you are not alone. I've been there. And every single day I get so many beautiful messages from you guys. Pouring your hearts out, asking for guidance, desperately wanting to break free from the destructive cycles that keep keep you chasing the wrong partners and betraying your own needs. Plus, you're just settling for less than you deserve. And believe me, I know firsthand how much the struggle can bleed into every aspect of your life. It's impossible to feel truly fulfilled when your brain is stuck in a constant state of anxiety. You're obsessing over when they'll text back if your ex will suddenly wake up and realize that you were the one and enough for love. It's exhausting, it's draining and it's not the life you're meant to live. You know my story. You know that I've dedicated my entire existence to helping people like you heal these wounds and step into their power. Because I understand it on a bone deep level just how much it matters. And that's why I've decided to do something I've never done before. This month, I'm hosting an absolutely free live event for every single one of you who is ready to receive the support and guidance you need to transform your love life. It's called Close the loop, the 2026 love reset. And in it, I'll be sharing the exact framework I use to help my clients stop repeating the same painful patterns and start magnetizing the daily, deep, secure, passionate love they've always yearned for. This is the first time I've ever offered this teaching in a live interactive format. And I'm doing it because I want to make this powerful work accessible to as many people as possible. All you have to do is click the link in the show notes to register and secure your spot. Go ahead and add the date to your calendar now and make a commitment to show up for yourself in this powerful way. Not for me, but for the incredibly worthy, lovable human you are. Oh, did I mention? I've got a special surprise gift for you. And when you sign up, so don't miss out on that extra dose of love and support. Oh, I can't wait to see you there. And let's make 2026 the year that everything changes for you. In love, baby. You've got this and I've got you. So let's do this together. I was just so excited I had to share. Okay, let's go into why does our brain self abandon? I want to go into the neuroscience of why you can't just stop. So there was research done. And you guys know I talk about the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex more often than not. The amygdala, fear center. Prefrontal cortex kind of the executive function. So the amygdala, prefrontal cortex interaction. So there's multiple studies that show this. The amygdala is your brain's threat detection center owner. Right. We know that it assigns emotional significance to everything, including your partner's tone, their facial expression, their text response time. So when it detects a potential threat, whether that be rejection, disapproval, disconnection, it fires off. That's why we have to say when we're feeling that urgency, we're projecting a story. The prefrontal cortex is Your rational decision making center. It's what helps you weigh options. You can consider your consequences override impulses. The problem is that these two systems are in a constant conversation. But when emotional intensity gets high enough, the amygdala essentially hijacks the show. The prefrontal cortex, cortex, the part that knows you should speak up, knows you have the right to your feelings, goes offline. So here's a study that they did, the Iowa gambling task study. It showed that people with amygdala damage couldn't learn from emotional consequences. They kept making bad decisions even when they knew better. So the emotional tagging system was not working properly. And the reason this matters, when you're in a relationship, whether you're single or doesn't matter, when you sense a potential disconnection from your partner, your amygdala fires like you're in danger. In that state, your rational brain, the part that could help you stay differentiated, loses the battle. It offline your default to survival mode. And for most people, survival mode means fuse. Please abandon yourself to maintain the connection. And if you grew up where love was conditional, you had to earn it, you had to perform it. Your parents mood determined whether the house was safe. Hi my childhood, your nervous system learned that connection requires vigilance. Right? You scan, you adjust, you become what was needed. You abandoned yourself before you could be abandoned. I want to say that again. You learned to abandon yourself before you could be abandoned. And this is why you know you should speak up, but you can't in the moment, your survival brain has taken over, right? Let's be honest. Self abandonment, this is not like a character flaw. It's an adaptation that you learned in childhood to keep you safe. And at some point, self abandoning was the safest thing to do. The problem is you're still running on that program. You can't think your way out of a nervous system pattern. That's why, like, oh, just have more self esteem, just do this. That's why that doesn't ma. That doesn't work. Why do you think I continue to say I'm done with the toxic positivity. This isn't about don't think positively about yourself. But this is is also about you can't think your way into feeling regulated in the same way you can't convince other people to be something they're not. If you're dating somebody who's emotionally unavailable, who's super avoidant, who is terrified of commitment, you can't regulate for them, you can't force them to be something for you. You can't abandon yourself hoping that they're going to love you more because you're giving more of what they're already not receiving, hoping that that's going to change them. Did that work in your childhood? And I know that that might be a projection of how we want to be loved, but we can't force other people to receive. We are craving and desperate for maybe start turning that to yourself and start see how your life changes. So I wanted to talk about the three forms of self abandonment, because when we talk about choosing ourselves, we can't choose ourselves unless we figure out how the we're starting, we're not. Right? And like, even for me, choosing myself means canceling, right? I. We were supposed to have a big dinner this week. Nope, nope, nope. I already told everybody. I said, I love you guys. We got to move it to next week. I was like, I am so overwhelmed. Yeah, I was a little nervous. A couple people said, I'm so sorry I can't make it, but everybody else is like, you do you, man? I totally respect that. Those are the people I have in my life. Unlike. I don't know if I've shared this with you guys, but I had a. Oh, yeah. I think on the friendship episode when I had a friend breakup and I told her I was so tired with software. I had worked like, you know, 20 hour day. I was like delirious. And I said, I can go out to dinner, but I don't want to go out after. Like, I'm not interested in going to the clubs and doing that. But all the other girls want to, so you guys can all go out. I'll see you guys at dinner. And this is a girl I'd been friends with for 10 years. And she says, you wasted my day. This is my only day off. Why the didn't you tell me this sooner? I would have made other plans. And I remember I was like, what are you talking about, dude? I was like, I literally said, we're still gonna go to dinner and everyone else is still going out. I just don't want to go to a club at 11:30 at night. And I said, not to mention, how would this have changed? I was like, I'm sorry, I'm a human. And today I woke up not feeling well. And I was trying to articulate that that was the last time I spoke to her because I told her, I'm done, dude. This has been the entirety of our relationship. I have to do what you want. Otherwise it's a problem. Otherwise it's Always an issue. And I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done self abandoning. I could have shut my mouth and been like, yeah, I'm so sorry, you're right. Oh, my God. No, I was okay. And you know what? My life has only gotten better since because I'm not frustrated with this person. And it's okay. She's. There's nothing wrong with her. We're not right for each other. And that's how you choose yourself, by telling. By giving yourself permission to go, I'm done with this. This. I don't want to deal with this anymore. You have every right. So we have. The first one is called preference abandonment. You stop having opinions and every decision is about reading them first. Where do you want to eat? Becomes a calculation of what they want. Oh, no, whatever. Oh, I don't want to be difficult. You've adopted their shows, the music, the friend group. If someone asked you what you liked independent of them, you don't have an answer. And it feels like you're being easygoing or low maintenance, but you're erasing who you really are. I've said this to you guys. You know what's really sexy in dating? Someone that says no? Someone that has an opinion. Someone that will say, I don't love that, but I love this. Somebody that will share what makes them tick. And you know what's really sexy in dating? Someone that isn't afraid to lose me, but is more afraid to lose themselves. Because what they're telling me is, I'm here because I'm choosing you and myself, but not because you're choosing me. The second thing, it's called emotional outsourcing. You've made them responsible for your emotional state. If you they're happy, you're okay. If they're distant, you spiral. This is where I'm saying, like, we morph and we blend and everything. That's that codependent behavior of, well, they're mad at me when my whole day is ruined and you're like, okay, you were good before, then you'll be good after. And if you weren't, then I don't think they're going to change that. And you can't self soothe when they're upset. You need them to reassure you because their bad mood makes you feel like it's an emergency to solve. That was my family. Family. That was my family. I couldn't have an emotion or feeling. I just always had to make sure my dad was okay and that he was happy and that he was okay. This episode is sponsored by Fabletics. As I am recording this, I'm wearing my favorite Fabletics pant that I have ever owned in my entire life. It is the Fabletics women's cloud jersey Wide leg. I wear these every single day. I'm like a six year old who just got a new pair of sneakers who cannot take them off. They are so comfortable. They are such a good quality and the price prices absolutely incredible. Like you just can't beat the quality and the price that Fabletics offers. Honestly, my favorite part too is that Fabletics doesn't just have women's but they also have a men's selection. So when I'm doing my ordering I can also throw some items in for tech guy. He loves everything Fabletics. It fits him like a dream. And so the two of us always get to match and we're just so comfortable and I am just so obsessed. Plus, when I signed up as a new VIP with Fabletics, I got 80 off everything. I thought it was one of those two good to be true things. No, no, this is very real and you got to get on the bandwagon so that you can be as comfy and match in your wide leg pant with me. Fabletics already has incredible deals and I've got an exclusive offer just for my listeners. Get 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Just head to Fabletics.com Sabrina take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Sabrina when prompted to unlock your 80% off. That's Fabletics.com Sabrina this episode is brought.
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To you by FX's Love Story. John F. Kennedy Jr. And Carolyn Bassette join host Evan Ross Katz on the Official podcast for FX's new series Love Story. John F. Kennedy Jr. And Carolyn Bassette. And go behind the scenes with cast and special guests featuring Sarah Pigeon, Paul Anthony Kelly, Grace Gummer and Naomi Watts. FX's Love Story. John F. Kennedy Jr. And Carolyn Bassette wherever you listen to podcasts.
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So there was a study done on fused individuals and they found that they struggle with self regulation. They literally don't have the internal capacity to calm themselves down. And that's a really important part of being in a relationship, is emotional regulation. That's why I'm always so shocked when people say, I don't get it. This person told me that they don't want a relationship but that they care about me. It's like, yeah, those are not mutually exclusive. You can think someone's amazing and also know that you don't have the bandwidth for A relationship. Because here's a spoiler alert. Relationships are not easy. Relationships don't just happen. They take work, they take commitment. They take two willing participants to have hard conversations, to show up every single day to make choices that help the relationship. And so if you're dating people that don't even have the bandwidth to have a tough conversation with you, then, no, they don't have the capacity for the relationship that you want or need you being in their life isn't going to change that. And so the reason I wanted to bring this up is you're not just being needy. Your nervous system never learned how to regulate without outsourcing to someone else. That is a skill. It's not a personality flaw, but it is a skill gap that keeps you fused. The third one, boundary betrayal. You override your own limits to keep the peace. You'll say yes when you mean to say no. You tolerate things that cross your line, pretending you're fine with it. Your gut says one thing, your actions say another. And you've stayed in situations that felt wrong because leaving felt worse. That's a bit also of cognitive dissonance, right? I say that I want this, and then this is how my life is going. And you're like, that's an incongruence, right? In each case, you've decided, consciously or not, that the relationship is more important than you and that the connection requires you to disappear. You can't be chosen if you're not there to be chosen. If you've erased yourself, they're not in a relationship with you. They're in a relationship with the person that you're trying to pretend to be. And then we can't be surprised when you feel like, I don't get it. Why don't they like me for me? So what does choosing yourself actually look like? I wanted to go into like, okay, I've given you my personal experience, but what does this look like? So Bowen's concept was taking an eye position. So there's a therapeutic technique from Bowen's work. An eye position means stating your thoughts, feelings and beliefs clearly without attacking, without defending, and without needing them to agree for you to hold it. So the eye position, I felt when you dismiss what I'm saying, not I position. You always dismiss me. You never listen. I position, I need some time alone tonight. Not, you're suffocating me. Why do you always need so much attention? The difference, one, state your experience, here's what I need. The other, makes them responsible for it or tax them for it. And so The I position lets you be honest without it being a grenade. And that's where I'm saying, instead of, what do you want? Where are we going? What is it that you want in this relationship? Here's what I want. And I want to see if you want align. So there's four markers of actually choosing yourself. The first one, holding your position without collapsing when they're upset or disagree. You can stay connected to them and stay connected to yourself. So you're not abandoning your perspective just because they don't like it and you don't crumble because they're disappointed. So you can say, well, that really hurt my feelings. Even if they disagree, you can say, that's fine that you don't see that you don't agree with it. But that doesn't mean that my feelings aren't valid. Doesn't mean it might be factual, but that my feelings are valid if that's how I feel. The second thing, tolerating their discomfort. They're allowed to be upset that you have a need. You're allowed to have it anyways. You don't manage their emotional reaction to your boundaries. Their feelings about your limits are theirs to process. The next thing, having a self outside of the relationship. God damn it. This is so huge. Options, opinions, preferences, friends, hobbies, time alone, a life that isn't entirely organized around them. A relationship is additive. They're in addition to your life, not instead of. And another thing speaking, even when it's risky, say the thing that might cause friction. Bring it up. Bring up what you've been avoiding. Not because you want conflict, because you know real connection requires that honesty and you trust that the relationship can handle it. So there was a study done in 2004 that found couples with higher differentiation actually have less conflict, not more. Why? Because they can disagree without it threatening the relationship. They don't need to win or collapse. They can hold the difference. And I know that you're thinking you're keeping the peace, but you're not. You're just avoiding avoiding the inevitable. Choosing yourself isn't leaving them or prioritizing yourself over them. It's staying in the relationship without leaving yourself. Now, let's talk about if you're in a relationship, right? Whether you're dating or not, this is really for somebody that might be in it. So this isn't about blowing up your relationship. Differentiation isn't becoming distant or cold. It's being able to be close without disappearing. And some of the most intimate relationships are between two highly differentiated people. They can handle closeness they can handle conflict. They can handle the other person. Person being different than them. So start with small recoveries of yourself. Right? Notice when you're about to abandon a preference pause, maybe you say, like, what do I actually want before checking in with them. Your relationship might actually get better when you show up as a full person, because that's more attractive. Again, I find it very sexy when people say, like, I don't agree with that. I'm like, that's fair. All right, you're not playing a game. You're showing up as who you are. Fusion will create instability. Two people with no center constantly adjusting. Neither one is anchored, Right? And differentiation creates stability. It's two people who know who they are, choosing each other from that place. And I think that's a really beautiful act. And that's why I really wanted to, like, to give that. So let's get into the tool of the week, which is the Fusion check. So, five questions. Answer honestly. The first one. Can I name three things I want separate from what they want without checking their reaction first? If you can't access your own desires, Baby. Without filtering through. But what would they be okay with that? Are they going to be mad at me? That's Fusion. Second thing, when they're in a bad mood, can I stay regulated? Or does their emotional state become my emergency? If their mood hijacks your every time, That's Fusion. Even last night, Ryan and I were watching tv, and I noticed every time I'd say something, his eyes would get bigger, and he would just kind of, like, I would see it. And I finally re. I. I started internalizing it. I was like, he's not happy with me. He's upset with me. And I stopped. And then I said, hey, babe, how you feeling? And he was like, sorry, I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so tired. And so when I would say something, he would open them big to come back because he was. He was falling asleep. I perceived that as, he doesn't like me, he hates me. But I had to stop. And that's why I got curious. And I was like, okay, Sabrina, you don't need to make this about you. Your partner doesn't always have to be pissed with you just because your father was the next thing. When we disagree, can I hold my position without either attacking or collapsing into agreement? If conflict means you either fight dirty or you cave, that's Fusion, right? We don't need to start throwing grenades or just being like, I don't want to deal with this. Fine, I'll Just say whatever they want. No, baby, do I have a life outside the relationship that I actively maintain? Friends, you see, without them, interests that are yours. If the relationship has consumed everything, Fusion the next one. Can I tolerate them being upset with me without immediately needing to fix it if their disappointment feels unsurvivable, like, you have to make it okay right now. Fusion, remember anxiety. That is the urgency. Some Fusion is normal, right? We all blend in. Relationships, of course. Like, I will make sure. Ryan, do you want to eat this? Are you sure about that? Are you good with this? But if you're answering no to most of these, you've crossed from healthy connection into self erasure. And the work isn't becoming cold. It's to be in the relationship without leaving yourself. Because how do we do that? Grieve, Learn that it's okay if you say something. You're allowed to piss people off. You're allowed to hurt someone's feelings. It doesn't have to be harmful, right? I'm not saying that you telling somebody, hey, didn't love that. That really hurt me that they're going to all of a sudden be like, that's fine. Yeah, no, totally cool. They might say, oh, I'm shutting down, and I feel like I'm not good enough. That doesn't mean that it wasn't right for you to bring it up. Right? There's a difference between compromise and erasure. There's a difference between compromise and disappearing and sacrificing everything to keep the goddamn relationship. The most radical thing you can do for your relationship, come back, reclaim your opinions. Regulate your own nervous system. Risk their disappointment by being honest. Choose yourself, baby. It's not instead of them, but so there's actually someone there to choose them back. And I hope this was helpful for you guys to see. Choosing yourself doesn't have to be mean. It doesn't have to be. But you cannot self abandon and then still be shocked when it doesn't work because you're never there to begin with. And how are you going to let someone love you if they don't know who you are? I want to hear from you. I want to know when you've done this. Put it in the comments. Let me know if this feels like, oh, my God, I've done this, or maybe not. Or if you've dated somebody who's done this, I want to know your experience. And guys, please don't forget, rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Please be kind with the verbiage we use and do read all the reviews, but I am just so grateful to have you guys here. As always, if you need anything, you want to work one on one, ask a question, join the new course that we have. Everything's@sabrina zohar.com. and guys, I just love you so much. I'm so grateful for you guys. Thank you for being here. Thank you for getting to the end of the episode, and thank you for showing up as you and allowing me to show up as me. All right, babes, until next next time.