← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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- [00:01]
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- [00:30]
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- [00:59]
Sabrina Zohar
story on Instagram, but they're still not making plans. They tell you, we'll see, maybe I'll let you know. They're just so busy you just can't seem to nail them down. But they always text you or when it's convenient for them. So what I'm describing right now is the bare minimum and breadcrumbs. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends. Welcome back to another episode. And today I actually realized we don't even have an episode on this. On the bare minimum and breadcrumbs. And I really wanted to talk about it because there are two problems happening at once when you're accepting the bare minimum. The first is what they're doing right, the tactics. We're going to talk about that. The second is what's happening inside of you and what makes it hard to leave. And today we're going to cover both, which we don't normally do, but I wanted to see both sides of the coin. I want you guys to understand the the real dualities of what's coming up for you as to why you accept it and perhaps why they do it. And plus, I will be answering your most asked questions. How do I know if it's breadcrumbing or if they're just busy? How long should I wait for someone who's not ready? And what do I actually say when I realize I'm getting breadcrumb? Guys, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. Please don't Forget to leave a comment if you haven't already. And if you like the show, let us know. And if you don't, that's okay, too. Like, I just wanted to take a second to just let anyone know if you're new here. Welcome to the family. It's great to have you. And if today is perhaps your last episode or you've outgrown it, that's okay, right? I don't take those things personally because you are allowed to make decisions for yourself. But that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the show or that all of a sudden we need to make this grandiose exit. You can do whatever feels right to you because everybody is welcome here, but it is not my job to keep you. And I just want everyone to know that this is a safe community for you to feel what you want to feel. And if this is the first time, yay. And if it's the last time, that's okay, too. Thank you for being here and thank you for believing in me and allowing me to show up as me so that you can show up as you. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? So today I really wanted to talk about both sides, right. I've been breadcrumbed before. I haven't really done a ton of breadcrumbing, but I know when I have, like, I can feel what's coming up for me, and I know what is. What is happening in my body or when I did date. And I think, you know, when we think about the bare minimum, I think a lot of us are coming from a place of, well, this is what I've always received, and this must be love, and this is what it is. But at the end of the day, the bare minimum is just something that somebody taught you. And so today, as always, don't forget to stick around until the end. You've got your tool of the week, and I'm giving you two this week, two things that you can really do to start understanding what's coming up for you and to start making choices from a place of empowerment for you, baby. That's the crux of the show. Everything I do is for you guys to make determinations for who you are and what aligns with you. I am never gonna tell you what to do. That's not my job. I want you to make independent thoughts for yourself and not just have what other people tell you. But as always, if you do need anything, you can work one on one. You can join the Going Slow course or the Dating Foundations course. You can work one on one with me, you can ask a question, you can join and listen ad free, or honestly, you could just be here. You can just be here. And supporting the show in the way that you are means the world. So thank you for that. But please know that the options are there for you. Okay, let's talk about what is breadcrumbing and kind of the bare minimum. So when somebody breadcrumbs you, they're giving you just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to give you any kind of security. So it includes sporadic texts, occasional plans, intensity followed by silence. And of course, as always, I got some studies for us because I really wanted to make sure we're rounding out the episodes and giving a little bit more than just a hypothetical or a personal experience. I want to back that up with some data. So there was research done by Qatar et al. And I do my best because sometimes I completely botch the names and it defined breadcrumbing by five themes. So the first one is charm, leading on incongruence, avoiding emotional investment and commitment, uncertainty. The reason that breadcrumbing is so enticing is because it keeps you interpreting instead of living. So every text becomes this puzzle that you need to solve, and you can't walk away from something you've spent so much mental energy trying to figure out. That also then comes into these different cognitive biases, right? We think of sun cost fallacy. I've already invested this much time. And here's the biggie thing, right? When we think about breadcrumbing, right? Someone g you just enough to keep you on the hook, but not enough to satisfy your needs. Why is that so sexy and enticing? Because your brain is trying to close a loop when your brain doesn't have a finality, when there is nothing to actually close it with. That's why people that are consistent and reciprocal and super secure and healthy can often feel boring. Because your nervous system doesn't have to figure out what they mean. And then when they have to figure out what they mean, that gives you dopamine and that keeps you on this hook. So it's not really about them being so mysterious or so amazing or so incredible. They're just giving you just enough to keep you on the hook, but not enough to satisfy your needs. And now you get to decide, decide if that's enough for you. So the second thing that there is is strategic ambiguity. So let me just preface not everybody that breadcrumbs or gives the bare minimum is like super conscious and aware. They're very, very much are people that are doing that because they're going through a lot. And I do actually have a story I've never shared with you guys that I'm going to share after I talk about strategic ambiguity. But then there are the people that are doing this that do know exactly what the they're doing. They know that you want more. They know that they're not ready for that. They know. And it might not be conscious. It might not be that they're sitting there being like, okay, this person wants a relationship with me. I defin you don't want one with them. Like that's more boyish or girl behavior. But what I'm talking about is the people that are so disconnected from themselves. What else do you want them to give you a quote? I love people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. What the does that actually mean? People can't meet you in a place that they've not met themselves. So if somebody isn't being honest with themselves, if somebody isn't validating their own emotions and needs, if somebody isn't getting curious about their experience, how the do you want them to show up for yours if they've never been taught how to even show up for themselves? And that's just a reality that we have to face that some people don't have a to give. But strategic ambiguity is deliberately keeping things undefied so they maintain power and options. So there was a study done by Eisenberg at Oxford, and it showed that deliberately using vagueness to achieve specific objectives is something that they do to maintain flexibility and control. So when someone refuses to define things. Again, let's go into what this literally looks like. Refuses to define things. Right? I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm going with the flow. We'll see what happens when someone won't answer your direct questions. They keep you guessing. They're not confused. They're maintaining control. Because ambiguity benefits the person who wants options. Clarity benefits the person who wants commitment. Which one are you? Are you the person that is trying to get commitment and clarity from this person or are you the person that's saying, I'm not sure, I don't know. Let me just go with the flow. Because at the end of the day, it's not about why they won't give you that clarity. It's about what you are willing to allow and accept in your life. So here's a story time. I was 24. I think it was something like 23, 24. I was young and I met this guy. I think. Yeah, I was about 24. I had Clem, and I lived in the apartment in Brooklyn. And I met this guy on, like, Hinge Bumble. I don't fucking know. It was an app. And he was stunningly beautiful. Like, this was a gorgeous, gorgeous human being. And we went out to lunch. I remember my mom walked me to lunch because I was walking Clem and I was like, oh, yeah, if you want to just go. And we got there and he was outside. And so he met my mom briefly, accidentally. And he was so charming and sweet. And I remember we had this fabulous date and he was so lovely. And then of course, he was texting me after how he can't stop thinking about me and how he wants all this stuff. And so we were texting non stop. And then I think a couple of days later, we saw each other again. And my sister had lived in the West Village at the. And so did he. And so I went to see my sister and then I went to his house. And I'll never forget, like, feeling this inconsistency, right? Just like, not really understanding what was going on. Like, sometimes he'd be really, really into it. And then other moments it was just like nothing. And I remember being at his house and he had just moved and he had a suitcase open and he was being all cuddly and cute. And then, like, I got up to use the bathroom and I looked down and there was just an AA pamphlet, which is fine. Like I have nothing against it. And I looked down and I remember, just keep walking. And I came back and he had flipped the suitcase and there was a very big shift in him, very big shift. And I don't know that he maybe didn't want me to know about his addiction and that, which, again, I don't judge anybody. Like, your journey is your journey. I just. I didn't know about it, right? And I never heard from him again. I remember I got ghosted and I was so sad and I was like. But it was so inconsistent. I don't understand why was he breadcrumbing me? And then like eight years later, you know, you just get the bug. All of a sudden I was like, what happened to that guy? And I do remember. I'm not going to say anything specific because I don't want to. I'm in. You'll see. The end of the story doesn't really matter, I guess, at this point. But he had been part of a scandal, a very big scandal in college, like, really massive. That kind of, like, ruined his life. And it was nothing against it. He didn't do anything. It was a SA situation and on him, not that he did it to anybody else. And it was really, really tough. And when I even looked into it, I remember being like, oh, like, this poor guy. He was going through a lot. Like, I can understand turning to perhaps having an addiction that I get. And when I Googled him, I found his obituary. As you can imagine what happened, he couldn't live with it anymore, and so he decided to take things in his own hands. And I remember just sitting there and being like, oh, my God. Holy. Like, my heart broke because I was like, I wish I could have shown this person that that's not the way and that you're loved and that there are people that care about you. All the things right then it's not about me making it about me, but I remember just sitting there being like, you know what? You really don't know the battles that people are fighting. You don't know if somebody is depressed. You don't know if somebody is going through a hard time. You don't. Maybe they're not texting you because they're overwhelmed or because their mental health isn't okay. And if we project our insecurities onto other people, they don't care about me. They don't think about me. No one loves me. I'm being used. Then what we're doing is we're making it about us, and we're not actually holding space for somebody else's lived experience. I'm not saying we excuse bad behavior if somebody is making a pattern of it. But sometimes there are moments where you may not have clarity because that person is going through something. And after a while, we have to allow other people to go through their thing and make choices for ourselves that. That doesn't work for us if they're not letting us in their life. This episode is sponsored by Quince. I could rave all day about how much I love Quince. They have the boots. They have so many things I love. I've got a cute little fanny pack that I wear from them. But I think above all, what deserves the time is their amazing sheet set. I still use their sheets every single day. We have had them for. We've had one set for two years, one set for a year, and I just got a new set. So we have three different levels. They all still look amazing. They are the softest quality. I'm just obsessed with it. It's this beautiful linen and it just makes me feel really high quality without the price tag and is what I love so much about Quint. You get incredible quality. They've got your wardrobe staples with quality that lasts. It's 100% organic cotton sweaters and premium denim made for stretch all day long, baby. So whether you're going from the office right to a date, Quint has your back. Refresh your wardrobe with quint. Go to quint.com sabrina for free shipping on your order. And 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's q-u I n c e.com sabrina and get free shipping and three 365 day returns again. Quince.com sabrina and so I wanted to share that story because it's one. I hadn't, I hadn't shared it with you guys. And I've been thinking back on my old dating days of like, holy man. Like, I thought this guy was breadcrumbing me. And all the while this guy couldn't even handle his own thoughts and what had happened to him. And that is well above my pay grade. And that is not something I could help with. And sometimes that is it. That's why I wanted to show the difference. Patterns of behavior with somebody that is struggling with what's going on in their own life, I can walk away and say, no, thank you. But patterns of behavior for somebody that is blatantly knowing what they're doing and intentionally trying to hurt you, that's a very different story. So let's go into future faking. Future faking is something that a lot of people do. And I don't even think that it's necessarily out of malice, but sometimes it can really you up because then we get caught up on. Like, but in the beginning you said this and it's like, yeah, well, that's not what they actually were intending. And for some people in the moment, they genuinely do intend that. Some people really do mean it. Like, I've heard this before. You guys are right in. And it's like, yeah, that person said all these things. It's like, yeah, in the moment, maybe they really genuinely believed that. And then they got home and they processed and they realized, maybe that's not what I want. I'm not saying it doesn't impact you. Right? That's holding two conflicting thoughts. You're allowed to be sad and bummed and they're also allowed to make change their mind. But it depends on the extent. Right? Again, that's where Nuance comes into play. And you guys always know I want to hold that space. So future faking is grand. Promises about your future together to keep you invested while with no follow through. So there was a study done in Psychology Today that was featured. And so future faking is manipulation. It keeps you hooked by making promises you want to hear. So how do we spot some of future faking? And again, maybe this person is just super anxious and wy wants to, like, say all these things, but then when it happens, they freak out and go in words or that disorganized. I'm not saying that it's out of malice. Sometimes it's narcissism. Right? So that's why we have to be cognizant and careful because we don't always know the intent and that. But at the end of the day, the impact is what matters. And the intent does too, to a certain extent. So how to spot it? Plans discussed, no steps taken. Right? We should do this, and we should go here and we should do this, and I want to take you to do this and then. But yet none of it materializes. Right? Promises used to end conflict or stop you from leaving. Right. I promise I won't. I will change and I'll be different. And I promise I won't do this. And then they don't do it though, right? The timeline keeps shifting. The timeline keeps changing, and all of a sudden it's, oh, yeah, we'll do this in a month. Okay, we'll do it in five months. Okay, we'll do it in 10 months. You're not dating who they are, you're dating who they could be. And potential is a powerful drug. You guys know my bestie, Nicole Neuroscience? She talks about this often, that when we project how we would do things or what, when we project that onto other people, that is our dopamine system, and that is our default mode network. Because what happens is when we go on autopilot, your brain's going, well, this is what I would do. Here's how I would handle it. Here's what I would do. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that's how everybody does. That doesn't mean that's how everybody handles things. So let's talk about what's happening in you, because this is about shifting it back to us and not always understanding them. And I think that's the missed opportunity. If you're so focused on why aren't they wanting me, why don't they choose me, why are they doing this and why aren't they changing. I need you to reframe to. I don't like that they're doing that because at the end of the day you're self abandoning to try to understand them. You think that this is just your anxiety. That's also avoidance because we don't then have to sit with what's coming up for us. You want to really get down to the nitty gritty of it. Start to shift your narrative and start getting curious about what's coming up for you baby. And stop focusing so much on them because they aren't losing sleep over what you're going through. So maybe we should start taking care of ourselves as if we love ourselves enough in order to do so. So decision fatigue, cognitive overload impairs decision making and elevates fatigue. So when you're in this ambiguous relationship, that's why like people are like, oh come on, I just want to have fun. It's like, oh, okay, well what's that doing your mental health? You're genuinely making that choice from a place of empowerment. You do you baby, I don't give a. You can sleep with whoever you want. You can have the fun that you want. No one is telling you that you can or can't do that. The problem is when you do that and then you don't want to take accountability of your actions. That you can go and be in the situationship and have the casual. But then at the end of it when you're crying and saying but why aren't they choosing me? And I feel like, and I feel like a shell of a human, then we have to look at what we're allowing because it can't always be about what's happening to me. We have to look at how is this happening for me, how can I reshift the narrative so I can be there for myself and I, I can take what I'm going through and learn from it. When you're in an ambiguous relationship, you're cognitively depleted because your brain is working overtime to interpret, to analyze and to predict. It's exhausting and exhausted. People don't make as well of decisions. They stay in things they'd leave if they had clarity. So that's also the reality is that it's. My sister used to say, we have enough time, right? Your, your brain's like a battery. You only have so much energy in a day. Where are you going to use it? And if you're using all of this mental energy and real estate on trying to understand and understand and why are they doing to you can't be surprised when you're left empty after. Because I know when I'm disregulated and I'm really really tired, I don't make the best decisions. Then we have the self fulfilling prophecy. This is something I see a lot and it was a study done with at Downey, at Columbia. So people high in rejection sensitivity behave in ways that elicit rejection. Their expectations become reality. Let's talk about that because I know that I'm going to get yelled at for this. If you're sitting here seeing a pattern that you keep having all these people that are rejecting you and I don't understand and why are they saying I'm too, they're all leaving me. We eventually have to look at our behavior because that is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you enter dating and all men are trash, all women are crazy, you can't be shocked when that's what you go looking for. Cuz there's something called the Salience network in your brain that if you go out looking for a red car, you're going to find a red car because your brain is now looking for that. And then what ends up happening we project onto them. Then we start acting in ways, we start over texting, we do the protest behavior and guess what? If that person's actually secure, they get turned off. You know why they get turned off? Because of the behavior that we are exhibiting that we are projecting onto them to try to make, make them the issue when sometimes it really is us that needs to take accountability. I'm not saying you're to blame or to add shame. But what I am saying is take radical acceptance of your life if you want to see a change. Because the reality at the end of the day is that's what changed my life. What changed my life was taking radical ownership and saying I'm doing this, I am projecting onto them. I'm acting in ways that are not in alignment with who I want to be or the type of relationship that I want. And I can't be shocked when these people are getting so turned off from it because the reality is love is not unconditional. Love is very conditional in your adult relationships because you're not dating your mom or dad. And so it's not acceptable. If someone starts to abuse or to talk to you in a disrespectful way, then no, I don't want you to stay, no matter what. And we have to be realistic about that, that sometimes we are doing things that push people away. That's okay. You are not too much, but maybe your behavior is. This episode is sponsored by Wayfair. You guys know the jingle. Wayfair, you got just what I need. And they do every single time. I'm obsessed with lighting now in our home. Don't ask but I don't do overhead lighting and so we have lamps everywhere. I like to set a vibe and Wayfair has so incredible options and the quality is unbelievable. The price point cannot beat it and I love it because Wayfair truly has everything your home needs for any season. We even every morning so that techye doesn't wake me up when I'm up, I let Alexa know to turn on one of my lights and it's one of my Wayfair lights so that Kobe and Ryan can come into the bed so that we can meditate in the morning. And so we found ways to incorporate Wayfair into our life in ways we never even imagined we could. And that's what I love so much about them. And now they babies. You can get organized, refreshed and back on track this new year. For way less head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W a y f a r.com Again Wayfair. Every style, every home.
- [19:19]
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- [19:49]
Sabrina Zohar
Then we go into something called the familiarity trap. So a lot of you guys had asked about this of like why do I like this? Why do I receive it? Why am I sitting here not like it, but like why do I keep doing this? If inconsistency was your norm growing up, then breadcrumbing doesn't feel alarming. It just feels like home. Because your system isn't wired to recognize it as a problem. It's wired to recognize it as love. That's why when I say your childhood shapes what you agree, what you allow, what you believe, that's now our job. It wasn't your fault that you have these anxieties. It wasn't your fault that your parents attuned to you like that. But now it's our responsibility to work on it now. It's our responsibility to say, I don't want to show up like this. I don't want to receive breadcrumbs anymore, or the bare minimum. I deserve better. And what's the cost on your mental health? Ambiguity itself. Uncertainty about what's happening significantly is associated with depression and poor mental health, according to the public health BMC survey that was done in 2020, 24. So it's not just the relationship hurting you, it's the not knowing. It's the ambiguity is expensive because why that impacts your nervous system, that impacts your mental health, that impacts how you see yourself. So let's get to some questions, right? You guys had asked some very specific questions. And sometimes I feel like it's just easier to fire this off and talk about that versus me going into this whole soliloquy. How do I know if it's breadcrumbing or if they're legitimately busy? A busy person communicates about their capacity. Hey, I'm slammed this week, but I'd like to see you. How's next week? They initiate when they have time. Their actions match their words over time. And you feel considered even when they're unavailable. Because, baby, there's no one busier than someone that's not interested. Because now let's talk about breadcrumbing. They're vague about when they'll be available. I'm. I'm busy. I'm busy, I'm busy. So they're prioritizing everything over you. You're always the one initiating or following up. It's excuses but no solutions. And you feel anxious, not considered because this person isn't making space for you. Busy people make you feel like a priority they can't get to yet. Breadcrumbers make you feel like an option. They're keeping warm. Which one are you choosing? So you want to know how to tell the difference? Does their unavailability come with a plan or just an excuse? I am wildly swamped. I will tell you this, baby, when I'm really swamped and I. I'm not interested in doing something with somebody, I'll just say, hey, I'm booked up for the next few weeks. I'll have to touch base with you because, like, here's the reality. And like, let's take our. Let's take the gloves off for just a second. And you tell. I want you to take stock of your own goddamn life. How often are you telling people the 100 truth? When's the last time you told someone, I'm not interested in hanging out with you, I'd rather not. Thank you so much. We don't. Right. Because that hurts people's feelings, and we don't want to be the asshole. So we'll say, I'm busy or I'm doing stuff. I don't necessarily always assume that that's. That person's being mean. Sometimes I look and go, you know what? They're just not interested. I've had that. I've had friends. I've had new friends, old friends, people that do that. I had one, and he kept telling me, I'll let you know. I'll let you know. Eventually, I stopped contacting him. It's been two months. I haven't heard from him. Don't worry. I got the hint. That's okay. I'm friends with his girlfriend, and she even said she's like, you know he loves you, right? He's just all over the place. And I'm like, I don't take it personally. I'm not a priority to this person. And that's okay. Okay. That's okay. That doesn't mean that they don't care about me or that I'm. That they don't. That I don't matter to them. But then I don't need to project my insecurities onto them. So it's just being honest. Again, I'm not saying that like, it doesn't hurt. Right? Those are holding two conflicting thoughts. If somebody constantly tells you these excuses, of course it's going to hurt. That feels like. But that doesn't mean we need to internalize it. All right? How do we not confuse bare minimum and genuine effort? The bare minimum is doing just enough to keep you from leaving. Genuine effort is doing what it takes to build something. So I want you to start asking yourself, are they meeting the baseline or building behind beyond it? Do they only show up when you pull away? And is this effort consistent or reactive? Because genuine effort doesn't require a threat to show up or that you're going to leave or that you're done. If someone only tries harder when you're about to leave, that's just damage control. Because they're terrified of losing the idea of you and the comfort and what you offer. It's not actually about you because you know what would be about you? Change behavior. That's what I will accept when somebody consistently just gives me words. If you're not actually trying to change what you're doing, that means nothing to me. So another question someone says, when they say I need to take it slow, how Do I define slow? So I also have the going slow course, if you guys want. That's Evergreen. You can take it anytime. And it gives you all the tools, it gives you the questions, it gives you everything. This is a very quick synopsis of what you would get in five weeks in about 10 seconds. So if you like this, go find it more link in bio. So healthy dating is clear about what slow means for them. I want to wait before becoming exclusive. I don't want to rush into things. I need to get to know you. Right. When I first met Ryan, what did I consistently say to him? I need more vulnerability. I don't really know these parts of you. And he's done everything he can to show up like that. Because we were going slow and still are, right? We're still going. So I had somebody comment to me like, wow, three years, not married. Red flag. It's like, no, actually, maybe I'm taking the time because I genuinely want to make sure if I involve the government that this is something I genuinely am ready for and want and desire, and this is the right person for me. What's the rush? Getting married isn't the end all, be all. If that's all you're doing this for, then you're not actually there for the person or the connection. You're just there for what it means about you. And I'm here to make sure that this is right for me because I rushed into it. I've been with the wrong person. I have done that. I'm no longer interested in it. They are still consistent in communication and effort. Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. They're moving it forward. It's just at a measured pace. You're not meeting the friends, the family. You're not doing all the texting all the time, all the time. And you feel secure even if things aren't official. Because, you know, I even had my client yesterday, and I said, do you worry about where you guys stand? He goes, oh, not at all. I know that she cares about me. I'm not worried about that. Like, going slow doesn't bother me because I know that we're both really intentional and that we communicate really well. Right? Isn't that beautiful? So somebody who is not actually taking it slow will be vague about what slow means or when it ends again. I've had people write in of like, oh, I told this person I just want to go slow. And nine months later, they broke off with me because they said that it wasn't moving forward, and it's like, yeah, because you weren't being intentional. You kept saying, I want to go with the flow. Let's see what happens. Let's see. It's like. But that's not intentionality. And if you're cool with it, that's fine, right? If that works for you. But to me, that's the bare minimum. They're inconsistent effort alongside the slow label. Right? That's where I say it's not an excuse for bad behavior. Somebody not calling or texting you for. For seven days is not okay. Right? Like, that's not appropriate. Someone that sees you once a month. Ah, right. That's the bare minimum. And to me, not even. No forward momentum. It's just stalling. And again, you feel anxious and confused more often than not. And this is becoming from a place where when you challenge it, you're like, I still don't have clarity. Slow is a pace. Stalling is a tactic. So if slow has been the answer for months with no clarity, that's just them avoiding. That's the end of it. Next time somebody says they want to go slow, here's what I'd like you to see. Say back, I respect wanting to go slow, but can you help me understand what that looks like for you? Like, what do you need to happen for things to move forward? That was the conversation me and Ryan had. I didn't just say I don't want a relationship or I want to go slow. I gave a very clear rubric as to what I needed in order for my nervous system to feel comfortable to make that choice. So stop accepting somebody that just says they want to go with the flow because they're kicking the can, baby. They're not actually being intentional, and you deserve better than that. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. I know February can feel like a lot, right? It's full of flowers and candy and stuffed animals and of course, lots of talk. People talking about relationships and dating. But I want to remind you, no matter where you are, it doesn't matter whether you're single, you're dating, you're married, or you're on your way out of any of those things. Who you are matters. And none of this has anything to do with your worth. And the beautiful part is that you are on your journey and your timeline, no one else's. And that's what I love so much about therapy, is that therapy is a beautiful ways that you can explore where you are and where you want to go. And baby, what's in your control. My favorite part is that better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? You do A quick questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you're not happy with your match at any time you can press new therapist and have another slew of options so that you can find the care that is right for you baby. So right now sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina that's better. H lp.com Sabrina Sabrina all right, this was a question that we all know. I'm probably gonna get on my soapbox to say how long should I wait for someone who's not emotionally ready? You wanna know the honest answer? There's no universal timeline. But I will say here are some markers because you are waiting for someone to be ready. And now I want you to ask some questions for yourself. Am I waiting based on their actions or their potential? Have I communicated what I need? What happened? Am I sacrificing my own well being to stay in this holding pattern? And is there evidence of them working on their readiness or is it just talk? Because I could sit here and give you excuses all day and kick the and kick the can. Because for some people they don't want to deal with the commitment or having to deal with your emotions and family. So they just kick the can to try to get more time before they actually commit to you. And there was research, right that shows this. Ifs found that prolonged ambiguity, staying stuck in what are we led to anxiety, depression and feeling used in all participants studied. All participants, every single one of them. Waiting for someone is generous, right? We don't need to wait for somebody. I'm not waiting for you to decide that I'm the person for you. You have to make that determination. Otherwise I walk. But waiting indefinitely while your mental health erodes is self abandonment. You can care about someone and still decide the cost of waiting is too high. So I know Sex in the city, right? With Richard and with Smith. I didn't realize she did it with both. I love you, but I love me more, right? So now let's the framework set an internal timeline. This isn't an ultimatum that you announce. This is something for you to say, okay, I'm going to give this another month. If I don't see progress or momentum, I'm going to move on. Check. Is there movement or is this just a promise of movement? They just keep telling you that they're Going to do all this stuff. Stuff. But yet here they are, still not going to therapy, still not doing what they need to do, or still not making the changes or working on their behavior. Right. If nothing changes, you make your own decision. You don't wait for them to make it for you. You get to make choices, baby. And here's the thing. I know they're not comfortable, but do you deserve more than the bare minimum breadcrumbs? You tell me. I know you do, but I need you to decide that. So somebody asked, what do I actually say when I realize I'm being breadcrumbs? So we've got a couple of options. Here are two texts that you can send to somebody that is breadcrumbing you. One is direct and clear. The other one you can also just disengage if they're really breadcrumbing you that much. Hey, I've noticed there's a gap between what you say and what actually happens. I need consistency, not just words. Is that something that you can offer the second one? Set your own boundary without demanding change. I really like you, but I need more than what's happening here. So I'm going to take a step back. Unless that shifts or sometimes you don't need to explain. You can just stop responding to crumbs. That's the three options. You don't owe someone a speech about why you're leaving. It's the same. My God. Welcome to the Internet, right? This isn't an airport. You don't have to announce your departure. Not every breadcrumb deserves a conversation. Some just deserve you to move on with your life because they're not trying to keep you in it. And again, it's the same with, like, people leaving reviews and comments of, like, I'm unfollowing, I'm leaving, I'm boycotting. And you're like, that's so performative. You're doing that so that you can feel better about yourself. It's. That's not actually. Because you know what, the average person just moves on with their life. Right? I could. I would be mortified to, like, leave comments like that on people of, like, I'm done and I'm leaving. And I don't feel I would be mortified to, like, wildly have this argument with people that I don't even know if they're real. I move on with my life. I just, I. Stop wasting that energy. I want you to take a second. Take some stock. Think back on the last five people. If you have that many that were Breadcrumbing you that you made this whole declaration and the texting, how that end. Do you think it changed who they were? Do you think that they woke up going, oh my God, now I need to be a better person now? They probably deleted it and moved on with their life. Meanwhile, you were sitting in therapy trying to understand why they didn't answer or why they were mean or why they were this. Because you're self abandoning, trying to understand them instead of trying to understand why they breadcrumb you. I'd like you to start getting curious about what makes that feel familiar. For you to allow it. All right, let's talk about breaking the cycle. We got two tools this week, baby. So the first step, I want you to name what's happening. Stop analyzing their behavior. Start naming the tactic, right? This is breadcrumbing. This is intermittent attention. This is designed to keep me invested without committing. This is strategic ambiguity. They're benefiting from my confusion. This is future faking. They're promises with no action. When you name it to tame it, you stop trying to decode it because decoding keeps it stuck. Naming it is what helps you close the loop. Your brain's like, oh, okay, I know what it is, right? I've had clients start with me and they'll be on sessions and we'll go and I'm like, okay, so I just told you everything about why this person does this. Do you feel any better? Usually they say no, it's like, exactly. Because that's not what it was about. It's not about that. Our brain is trying to clear and understand and understand and understand. But at the end of the day, we have to understand ourselves. Not just everybody, anybody else. I mean, you can, of course, you're a human, right? You might want to understand what's going on. But like to a certain extent. The second thing, stop interpreting and start observing. I want you to track facts, not feelings. What they said versus what they did. That's it. Your job is not to figure out what they meant. Your job is to notice what they do. The third step, protect your cognitive resources, baby. Ambiguity is expensive. Clarity is free and allows you to get what you want or need. Set a timeline. Again, it's not an ultimatum. But if I don't have clarity in X weeks, right? I'm making my own decision. Not in set seven years. Stop the mental loops. I've analyzed this enough. More thinking won't give me a new information. I'm hurt right now. I'm in pain. That's what I want. To look at I'm feeling this or I'm feeling like this. What are the thoughts and the narratives? What do you feel? And then start to challenge them. Right. We have to reduce the cognitive load. Write down what's actually happened. Facts only. This person didn't call me when they said they didn't make the plans. They haven't shown up for me. Notice how I didn't say they don't care about me. They don't like me. I'm not good at enough. That's us filling in the blanks of their behavior with our core beliefs. And then step four, I want you to recognize your patterns. I want you to start to ask yourself, does inconsistency feel familiar? Where did I learn this from? Where did I learn that this was normal? Oh, I can't wait for you guys to read the book. Go so much more into this. Do I expect rejection? Am I behaving in ways that create it? That's what we were talking about in the beginning. Am I doing things that are actually end up causing people to feel less connected to me because of how I'm also showing up again? I'm not. Notice how. I'm not saying it's your fault, but I am saying it's how we are showing up. Am I staying because I want to or because I've invested too much to leave? Sun cost fallacy. And then the step five, rebuilding standards through action. Standards aren't what you say you want. They're what you accept. You don't raise the bar by deciding you deserve better. You raise the by bar walking away from less. You raise the bar because you tell your nervous system, I deserve better than this, and I'm not willing to accept it. You raise the bar by stopping from this, by stopping these people in your life by saying, I'm done with this. That's always been how I changed my life. When I walked away from the guy right before Ryan, he wasn't showing up for me. He was breadcrumbing. He was giving me just enough to keep me on the hook. And I was like, I'm done with this. I'm not doing this. You're giving me a little bit. A little bit, a little bit. And I was like, and I deserve a lot of it. And I got that. And, guys, just so you know, I hate to say, me and techie are doing really well.
- [34:14]
Redfin/Microsoft/Shopify Ad Voice
I know.
- [34:14]
Sabrina Zohar
I'm. I'm excited. It's. It's really nice to share that we found a new therapist who's been just amazing and Like, I, I hope that this is the sign for you guys. Like, please don't give up on your. Yourself. Please don't give up yourself on the work that you're doing or if you connect with people that may have a little bit of work to do, if they're willing to do it. That's the thing. I don't want you to force people when it's not about, I need to get them to therapy or they're not willing. You know, if he came to me and said, this is too overwhelming, I can't do it, I'd be like, okay, no worries. Like, then we're just not, we're not compatible. But we both have the bandwidth and I'm, I'm feeling really good about, you know, maybe having something on my finger soon. I don't know.
- [34:49]
Redfin/Microsoft/Shopify Ad Voice
We'll see.
- [34:50]
Sabrina Zohar
You guys will be the first to know, I promise. Okay, let's go into the tool of the week, the ambiguity audit. For one week, I want you to track the situation. What they said, what they did, am I interpreting or observing? And how much mental energy did this cost me? So here's an example. They said, let's hang out soon. They said Tuesday, but there was no follow up by Friday. I'm interpreting, I'm making excuses. I'm, I'm feeling that anxiety. It's high. I checked my phone 20 times, right? Do you notice how those are facts? Maybe they said, I really like you. They said it twice. They canceled plans once. No initiative initiation. I'm observing, right? Facts don't match words. It's high. I've been ruminating for hours. Maybe they set a plan for Saturday. They confirmed day of, they showed up on time. Observing words, matched actions. I low, I felt really easy after one week. I want you to ask, how many hours did I spend interpreting, verse, observing? Get real, get honest. Do their words match their actions? And what's the cost of this ambiguity on my mental energy? Because if you're spending more time analyzing the relationship than enjoying it, that's data and that's your Falcon answer. And I have been there, where, you know, you assemble the group chat, you send it to every one of your friends, you're trying to understand them, but you're not living it. You're not in it. You're not feeling the support. You're not feeling that love. And we have to really start to break that because, baby, only you get to make that choice. I know that there are a lot of shitty people out there. There are a lot of people that don't want to do the work. There are a lot of people that claim that they are and not actually doing it. But what we have to look for is our words and actions aligning. And if they are, how does that make you feel? Bread coming works because your brain is wired for connection and it really wants that. Future faking works because wanting love isn't a weakness. And strategic ambiguity works because uncertainty is expensive and most people will accept a bad answ over no answer. You're not broken for falling for this. You're human. But I want you to remember the person who benefits from your confusion is not the only one who deserves your commitment. They are not the person that does. Clarity is not too much to ask for. Consistency is not too much to accept. Stop accepting breadcrumbs, baby. Not because you're supposed to have high standards, but because you've seen what ambiguity costs you and you're done paying that price. I am tired of hearing you guys going through these situations situations and wondering what your power is. You have a lot of power. You have that control for you, baby. That doesn't mean that you're going to meet these people and that's okay. I'm not saying that because you stop this that all of a sudden you're going to walk to the grocery store and there's the love of your life. But what I am saying is you'll save yourself a lot of mental real estate and energy. You will, you'll save yourself a lot of anxiety and processing and time and all that when you just say, eh, this doesn't work for me. I don't need to understand why they're doing it. What I do need to know is why am I allowing it and what I am, what's coming up for me. Of course, like I said, you're human and please don't forget that, that you're going to have these human experiences. But I want to give you guys a little bit more to be able to go out there and feel like, okay, I am going to be clear. Because here's the beauty. When someone's breadcrumbing you or bare minimum or all that stuff, have a conversation and then you'll see their true intentions. Because you'll either get what you want, which is them, or what you need, which is clarity. Because you'll see how they act. That's a win win. You're allowed to be sad with whatever comes there that makes you human. Friends, thank you for sitting with me for another week. I am really trying. Guys. Leave it in the comments. If you want specific episodes. I'm trying to think of things that we haven't covered, but it's really difficult, right? The show is three years old now. We've covered a lot. There's only so many things to talk about, dating and relationships without it getting repetitive. But if there's something. If you've listened to all the episodes and you're like, hey, Zohar, you really haven't covered this. I'm open, baby. Let's hear it. And maybe add it for in the Trenches. So guys, don't forget to rate and review this shit show. Please, please leave a comment if you haven't already. Share it with a friend, put it in your Facebook groups and just thank you for being here. If you guys want more, there is the Going Slow course or the Dating foundation course. You can work one on one, ask a question. You could join AD free and you can also slow down the speed. If that doesn't work for you. Whatever you guys want, please know you have choices. So thank you guys for being here. And until next week, my babies.
- [38:37]
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- [39:06]
Sabrina Zohar
Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax. And let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts.