← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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There's a world where legends race across city skylines. Romance blossoms in glittering ballrooms, and there's magic around every corner. It's a world known to many as Great Britain. You've seen the action on screen. Now visit the real star of the show. Visit Great Britain. To discover more, go to tripadvisor.com Great Britain how do you let someone into your life and get close with you without losing yourself, without feeling overwhelmed, without reopening the wounds that maybe you haven't fully metabolized yet? How do you stay true to yourself and not let your nervous system take over the wheels and fucking let you act in ways that aren't in alignment with you? We're going to answer every one of those questions today. Welcome to in the Trenches. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Babes. We're back for another bonus, a solo bonus this week. And we got your questions. My babies. I am so excited and as always, thank you guys. Thank you for being here. Thank you for rating, reviewing, sharing with a friend. Please, please comment and let me know what you think of the show. But I want to give a little disclosure before we start. We have a lot of new faces here. I curse a lot. I have adhd, so I speak very fast. And if that's not your show, that's why we market as explicit. That's okay. You don't have to be here. I am creating a safe space, an environment and a community of people that feel like they are seen, heard, understood, understood and safe to express themselves, my self included. And so if you don't like it, that's okay. You could just find another show or another coach. I don't take offense to that. But leaving really harsh comments and reviews of how much you hate things because they're not the way that you want them. Let me guess, is that how you're doing with your dating life? Is that the text messages that you're sending people because they're not acting in the ways that you want is not going to be conducive for anybody. You're welcome to leave it. You're also going to get blocked. And so I'm just setting new boundaries because I really want to create a community of love, of acceptance, of people that are here because we're doing the work to grow. And that's okay. If that's not you, we don't take offense to it, but I just want to give you the option and the choice to say, if this doesn't work, that's okay, but I'm going to stay true to myself because thank you, the people that allow me to show up as me so that you can show up as you. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, babes. I had to give a disclosure. I did. I know for all my babes that have been here with me for a while, you're probably like, girl, we know. But you know what, we got new people, we're growing the show and so I just like to give people choices because as a kid I didn't have any. So I just like to share that. But I'm also a human and I think boundaries are really important. And guys, don't forget, as always, we have the courses. I have a new quiz on the website called what kind of lover are you Quiz and it's a quick nine question quiz and then you get added into the email list and you get free dating advice every single week via email. So go ahead and take that. We have the art of going slow. We have the healthy foundation cores. We've got whatever you need. You can work one on one, ask a question or just be here. We're so grateful to have you and all of the new faces. So let's get started. And guys, please don't forget, send in your questions, your screenshots, give me your profiles, ask the questions, whatever you guys need, I want to be able to help. This show is only as good as the questions that we get in the trenches@sabrina zohar.com. let me know what's up baby. And if you're watching, you'll see the questions pop up and if you're listening, I'll read them to you. So whatever you guys need. All right, so tech guy chose all these questions. So don't forget, I do not know what I'm about to read and you're getting off the cusp with me. But really the more the whole entire episode was about really the nervous system, the desire for love, different speeds again. That's why we have the art of going slow. Course is like it gives you tools. But today I'm going to answer your question specifically outside of that of how do you stay present and not lose yourself in these relationships and in dating and in the idea of people because like it's really human too. So let's get into it. Hi, Sabrina. Hello. So I am almost 30 and have never been in a serious or long term relationship in my 20s. This was part because I knew I wasn't ready with the main factor being I was not willing to be vulnerable out of fear of rejection. Towards my late twenties after achieving some major life milestones, I felt like something was missing and it was a life partner. Someone that would wake up and choose me every day. Just as I came to this realization, my dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. And I knew I had to do two things. One, build up my tolerance to be and receive vulnerability as I grieved and grappled with losing my father, which I did through therapy and coaching. I'm really proud of you by the way. Way, I'm so sorry for your loss. And two, put dating on the side burner while I focused on this growth moment and navigating this difficult time, knowing it would be hard to take on the effort to invest in dating seriously. My dad has since passed since months ago. I'm sorry baby. But I do feel like I am in the right place now emotionally and mentally to begin dating again. With my new vulnerability muscles. How do I make space for the reoccurring grief in the dating process? And how, when do I share the grief with a prospective partner? E, thank you for sharing that. I know grief is a fickle fucking bitch, whether it be for whatever the reasons, right. Ryan and I met under grief. And again, I know to some people they think it is absurd that I still grieve my dog. Get the fuck out of my show then. Because I think whatever teaches you safety, right, that was clem to me was safety and object permanence and what it felt to be loved. So I understand grief. And Ryan lost his sister. She took her life a few years ago and it has been very, very tough to navigate a relationship with grief. And I think it's interesting Ryan put a note on here and he said her question isn't really when do I tell someone my dad died? It really is how do I date with sadness that still lives inside me? And I think that's a really valid question. I think we have to be able to hold two conflicting thoughts, right? If you're ready to date and get back out there. I think that's really beautiful and I think that's really incredible. But we also have to know that like it's going to trigger you. There are going to be people that ask you, oh, so tell me about your parents. And that might make you tear up and get emotional. And I think the reality here is if you've done a lot of this work, I need to ask you then what are the tools that we're going to utilize? Does that mean that before you go on the date, you're going to regulate or do something to kind of bring you back to the present moment? That way, if anything happens in there, you have an answer that you can respond with. And maybe just saying, I lost my father recently, you know, something I'd like to open up with over time as I get to know you. But at this time, it's just still something that I'm, I'm working through or living with or, you know, I'd like to tell you more about that as we get to know each other, but unfortunately, my father's not here anymore. I think that it's really important to have boundaries for yourself of what you're comfortable speaking about, how comfortable you are to show up on these, in the, on the dates. And I think, you know, grief is, is something that a lot of us don't realize is living within us every day. It's not just when someone or something leaves this earth, it's the grief of the relationship we thought we would have, the life we thought we'd have, the idea of things that we thought we'd have, like we're grieving every single day. And I think a lot of us, myself included, for a long time wasn't really taught how to do that, right? The ending of relationships or the ending of life, or the ending of friendships or people and jobs, things leaving us, we have to grieve. And I think part of that is one allowing yourself to feel those emotions and validating where they come from, being painfully honest with yourself, that if you do put yourself out there in dating, that it's okay, that it's going to hurt you, that maybe it's a sign that you say, okay, you know what, maybe I'm not ready. Or maybe I am, right? Maybe you go out and you meet somebody. But I would say this, I want to make sure, because you said, how do I make space for the reoccurring grief in the dating process? I think what we have to look at is are you making that space for grief in your day to day life? Are you giving yourself the time to grieve it? When I met Ryan, it was a month after Clem passed. And I'll be honest, you want to know how I grieved Clem along the way? And I still do. As I talked about him, I shared stories, I told, I shared photos. Not immediately, right? Like at first I just had to kind of go through it. And like we would have a great date. I'd come home and I'd cry, and I would feel bummed because I knew Clemmie couldn't meet him or I couldn't meet Ryan's sister, or they're not gonna be able to meet your dad. Right. Like, these are all really real. And that's an emotion that you get to mourn, you get to grieve. And so I think it's also about, what are we doing outside of the dating experience? How honest are we being? I'm not saying you and Ting in general, how honest are we being about the role that the life is taking for us? Like, is that replacing. Is that helping us avoid grief? Are we facing it head on? Right. Just those different variables, I think that are important to get curious about. But I think you can share the grief with this person. I think you can be honest if they ask you about your family early on of, like, I lost my father recently, and I'm still processing through that. And it's something I would like to share as I get to know you, but it's not something I'm comfortable sharing right now. I think somebody who. I mean, that's what Ryan did. Like, when I asked him about his. His family and his sister, he said, yep, she took her life four years ago, or at the time. Sorry, I apologize. It was a year ago now. We've been together three years. He said, you know, earlier in the year, like the. The year before. And he said, but, you know, I'd like to share more about that with you as I get to know you. But for now, I'd like to know more about you. I'd like to know more about what makes you who you are. And it's the same with Clem. Like, I didn't go into that and start showing photos day one. But as the relationship progressed, I cried when it came, when it allowed me to. I held space for that. I allowed myself to be really sad. But you know what I also allowed myself to do? Enjoy happiness. Enjoy that there was somebody new in my life. That it's never going to replace the connection, and it's never going to replace the person that left. But you get to build new experiences with this person, with them in mind and with them in heart and soul. And so I think anything short of that, I could sit here and give you platitudes and, of course, regulate and make sure you're coming home to yourself and you're getting curious. And, you know, we want to make sure that the people that you're dating and whoever you're going to be with has the capacity to hold you, inclusive of the grief that you're experiencing. But we show that over time, we build trust with somebody and stay really present, really present on how you feel with this person, how your body feels, what's coming up for you, what are the sensations and the emotions. I think that's really important. And I want to just say again, I'm really proud of you. I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there, even through the pain and whether honestly, anybody listening, you could be saying, it's a divorce, right? A breakup, a loss, anything. Takes a lot of courage and strength to face the emotions and fears yourself and to move through them anyways. And for anybody listening, I'm really fucking proud of you. Life is gonna be tough. You're gonna lose things, you're gonna win things, you're gonna lose, and then you're gonna win them again. But at the end of the day, who do you have? Who do you come home to? What is the person at the end of the day when you put your head on the pillow? Are you proud of who you are? And are you doing this for them or for yourself? Maybe for both. And I think that's okay. This episode is sponsored by Wayfair. You guys know the jingle. Wayfair, you got just what I need. I love Wayfair because they really do have something for everybody, right? I. We're always trying to figure out, okay, what's our style? Do we want more mid century modern? Do we want more farmhouse contemporary? But that's why I love Wayfair is because they have so many options in the best way possible. We've got our lighting from Wayfair. You know, baby, I don't turn overhead lighting on. I am all about the vibe. And Wayfair makes it so easy for the house to feel comfy and cozy at a price that you can stand and handle. And I love it because Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down to exactly what works for your style and budget. Depending on the room that you're decorating, you can get your decor. You can get pillows, you can literally get anything you need from Wayfair. And right now you can find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y-F-A-I R.com again, Wayfair. Every style, every home. All right, babes. Wow. We started off with a little bit of A heavy one, but that's okay. I like, please know there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with depth and heavy, but I just want you to know I'm really, really proud of you. So. All right, let's go. Okay. Hey, Sabrina, you've popped up on my social media a bunch recently and I'm a new. I'm now a new convert to following your podcast. I love your brash direct messaging and communication style. Congratulations on three years of doing the good work. Your work is important. Thanks, babes. I appreciate it. All right, I've got a really strange question for you. I've recently noticed something about my dating experience that I've never heard anybody talk about or address publicly. I think the definition of this is sapiosexual and I wonder if you might have some advice for me. I also wonder if this is an experience a lot of women have for context and I'm not sure any of this is truly important. I'm a male and my understanding is that I have a pretty different dating experience than many men. I'm tall, smart, objectively and reasonably attractive. I have a cool career in entertainment and have access to a lot of what people would call high value woman. I hate that term. Same. I am able to go on a lot of dates. I have dated some celebrities who cares and generally via Hinge, Raya and other apps. I don't have any problem getting dates. My challenge is that I am rarely initially physically attracted to anyone. Even girls that are objectively very attractive. The issue is with me, not how attractive they are. I often just just don' feel much or any attraction until the conversation heats up and gets good. I require some intellectual stimulation before I catch the feels. I get that. That I totally understand. Actually when the conversation heats up, I can literally feel myself becoming more physically and generally attracted to the girl. I begin to notice more physic notice physically things that I knew were there but didn't catch my attention. The reason that I discovered this is that there were a couple instances in the last year I would have liked to have a second date and they didn't want to go. They didn't go that way. Would I surmise what I surmise Can I talk I'm doing well Is that I'm not giving any kind of flirty vibe when I'm sitting across from them someone until later in the date. I imagine that throws off the energy and doesn't make them feel attractive, desired, etc though I'm very engaged, curious and asking a lot of questions as a date, a Good date goes on. I become more flirty and more obviously interested. But I think that sometimes by the time I get to the point, it's too late and I'm not able to get back on track. Basically I need to time to find some non physical things that make my brain light up before I get flirty and start seeing the signals. So my question is, do I just need to fake it? Do I need to go in and force myself to be flirty? Is that just to make sure if I do catch feels I haven't killed a chance on the second date? Is there another approach that I'm not thinking of? Thanks for your help, Brad. Okay, so I think what I'm hearing is, I don't actually know if this is sapiosexual. This is more about like arousal safety. Right? Your nervous system doesn't experience desire through the visual. And that's for a lot of people, right? Especially on the the male side. Like they are very visual and that it's not a visual novelty you experience through the like the psychological attunement. And I'll be honest, that's how I have gotten. That is how I've got. Because what made me really attracted to Ryan was as we started to talk more, I was like, fuck this. This guy's really like. I like his brain, I like the way he talks, he's funny. And so here's. There's a couple of things I want to reframe here. I think what I'm hearing is if you don't perform attraction fast enough, you are not going to be chosen. But the reality here is if you're trying to fake who you are on dates, and let me show up as this, and let me show up as that, you're not allowing people to actually like you for you. And I know that rejection can feel really scary. But if you are not feeling something on a date, you don't need to fake it. You don't have to show up as anything because other people can pick up on that. And the right people are going to be there to understand and to learn more about you as they get to know you on a date. Not because within the first five seconds they didn't feel a spark and that they're all of a sudden turned off. Because my response there would be, then those people are chasing a feeling and they're not actually there for you. If you're on a date with somebody and within the first five minutes they're already determining that you're not that right person and that they're not letting you grow and show up in a different way as the date goes on, then that person's not actually there to date you. They want to chase a feeling and they want to see what's going to come out the other side. It takes takes time for people to open up. Not everybody is gregarious and big in the first five minutes and oftentimes those are people that are performing. We don't need to chase a spark, we don't need to chase a feeling. We need to see how somebody opens up and evolves. And if I'm really present, intentional and focused in the way that I am dating, then I'm going to allow people to be people and I'm going to allow someone to open up and show me over time who they are specifically over the date and not make a determination in the first five minutes. I understand that a lot of people are saying, well then you know what, those are not your people. Because if you're not even allowed to open up and show different parts of you, we're talking within the same date. I'm not talking in an eight month period that for the first six months you're an and then eventually you become a nice person. If somebody doesn't even have the bandwidth. The understanding that some people show up differently, not everybody's lived experience is going to be your lived experience. Not everybody shows up in the same ways. And if somebody doesn't have the patience or the even understanding that other people are going to show up on dates differently, then those are not people I want to date because I don't need to show up in the way that they want me to show up. I want to show up and how works for me and see if that aligns with me. Because I want to date somebody that likes me for who I am, not for who I pretend to be. So I would say this. I don't think you need to perform or to chase. Maybe that means putting something on your profile. Like I'm a little slower to open up on a first date, but I'm also really into the mental and physical stimulation. Like what's your favorite like philosophical quote that you live by? I don't know. Right. Like maybe we can also vet people before. Maybe we can have a FaceTime vibe check to start asking questions, things that stimulate you. Maybe it's even before you guys match. Asking a couple of those and seeing how they answer. Right. Like listen, as somebody who lives in LA and gets a lot of the dolphin laugh that yeah, like oh my God, like I Like, couldn't. Like, oh, my God, like my Botox lady. Like, oh, my God, like, she. Right. Like, I. I've met those people, right? And I'm not saying that those are all the people that you're meeting, but just because somebody is physically attractive doesn't mean that mentally they're going to stimulate you. I think the misconception I hear quite often is like, oh, well, if you're attractive, you'll get anything you want. No, no. Being physically attractive gets you in the door, doesn't keep you at the. You can be the most beautiful human being in the world. And if you don't come with something else, like a mental stimulation, that person's going to get bored with you real quick because their baseline is going to diminish. Just because you're attractive doesn't mean that that's the reason somebody wants to be with you. They want to be with you because of who you are and your mental capacity and the arousal that you give them mentally as well. At least a secure and healthy person does. Because if we're just focused on looks, then we're completely missing out on the rest of the relationship, because looks are not going to hold you when you're crying. Looks are not going to be the person that creates a safe space, and looks are not going to mentally stimulate you in the way as somebody's brain does. I don't think you need to change how you're showing up. I think it's. Maybe we need to change how we're vetting people in the dating process. Because like I said, if you taking 20 or 30 minutes to start to, like, warm up and get into somebody is what sends somebody running, then that's not somebody I would want to date, because I don't need to get somebody's attention. What is this, Instagram? You got to hook somebody in the first three seconds, otherwise they're on to the next video. And I think that's what we see. We see that mental capacity has really diminished these days. That people's attention span is like a pigeon. I see it with a podcast. I see it all the time. Even when I'm looking at analytics. I'm like, ah, they hopped off after four minutes. It's like, you didn't even want to give me a minute to explain to you what the episode is about before you've decided that you don't want it. Because there's a lot of people that want immediate. I want it now. I want to feel good. Those are not your people. The people that you're dating are people that allow you to be a human that maybe off the bat you're not. And it's like, maybe it's even starting with like, wow, you look beautiful. Wow. I'm so excited. Like, like, great. I'm excited to get to know you a little further. Like, tell me more about you. Right? Maybe it's getting into like asking questions that will help you either rule them out out or get excited about them. That's why I think a first date is data collection. A first date is not to assess if they're the love of your life, if this is the person you want to marry, if this is the one for you. A first date to see is if you want to have a second date. So on our first date, we need to ask questions that matter to us so that we can see if this person aligns. I always ask how'd your last relationship and what did it teach you about yourself? What is something you changed your mind about recently and what prompted the change? I want to see, do they take accountability? Are they growth minded? And if that scares anybody, do me the favor. You're never going to have space for the depth that I hold if you can't even answer a simple question. So I think it's about being a bit more intentional about what that mental stimulation looks like. What are conversations that stimulate you that you want to have and either having that before you go on the date to see if this person even has it or getting to it a lot quicker on the date so that you can decide if this is somebody you want to date to. But I don't want you to have to date somebody where you feel you have to be performative otherwise you won't be chosen because then at the end of the day you're losing yourself. If you're so focused on will they like me? You've already stopped asking do I even like them? If you're so focused on are they choosing me? My next question is I don't give a if they do. Are you choosing you? Are you showing up for you? Are you being there for you? Because if they don't, good, at least you have your self at the end of the day. So I get it, baby, I understand, right? When we start to see a pattern and it's again, if you were getting feedback, if women were like, hey, I can't read you, I don't understand, that's a different story. But just because you've gone on some dates and after 30 minutes you start to get into this person and Then after they're not into it, it might just be that maybe they're not interested. Right. It might not have anything to do with, like, oh, well, the first 20 minutes, he was weird. It's like Ryan was super stoic for the first hour because he took a minute to open. That's why we spent time together. That's why we continued the conversation. That's why we did. That's why we hooked up. But that's why we did things was because I wanted to understand this person more than just in the first five minutes. Because some people are nervous, some people don't really know. That's okay. So I don't think you need to change how you're showing up. I think we need to change how we're vetting people and determining if we even want to go on a date with them. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar protein bars, IQ Mix hydration mixes and IQ Joe Mushroom Mushroom coffees are the delicious, low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day, babies. I put it on my dating profile and I'll say it to you now. Snacks are a must. I eat dinner to get to dessert and I love to have me a snack. And that's why I love I.Q. bar so much. They have plant protein bars that are the smarter snack choice. So they have plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber, and no added sugar. I love the matcha. Oh my God, it's so delicious. But the best part is they also have IQ Joe. It's a mushroom coffee, so it's designed for mental clarity and packed with 200 milligrams of natural caffeine. Plus it also comes in four different flavors that will totally transform your morning routine. And how you start the day is so important. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off IQ Bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack, plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text SABRINA to 64,000. Again, text SABRINA To 64,000. That's Sabrina To 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts. All right baby, let's get in. Hey Sabrina, love your content and your matter of fact way of delivery. Thanks, babe. I live in Ohio. My partner is in Missouri. Missouri. More slow paced over there. He works as a psych examiner for kids in an elementary school. We've known each other for three years but have been seriously dating for four months after citing we are meant for one another. Okay, I have questions, but I'll read this first. Since then we get together when we can spend a weekend. We just spent New Year's together an entire week. I'm more anxious. A secure attachment. He's more avoidant and I think because he works with kids he views himself as some sort of Nostradamus of human behavior which in my opinion he's not really great with adults. Recently I relocated for a new job and I felt he was emotionally unavailable. The day before the movers came to get my stuff, I told him this and I felt he wasn't giving me ample support because it's a big deal to move somewhere totally new not knowing a soul. The uncertainty of the whole situation can be very serious. Scary. And his lack of support dragged it to the next day when I had to go pick up my keys left the mover let the movers in. He called around noon that day to check in and I told him I need his support and he tried to end the call. So now it's Thursday. Literally two days later. We speak each night. He calls me every single evening. We FaceTime for usually a few hours. And the last two conversations I noticed him detaching a bit and he throws. And that throws my amygdala into a bit of a tail spin and acts as a cloud over my entire day, which I feel is unfair of me. He will say I'm not controlling my. He will say I'm not controlling my emotions. And I'm not wrong to and I'm wrong to point out out that there wasn't. That he wasn't there emotionally while I'm moving. Okay, this is a long email so I'm just going to interject as we go along because there I'm going to. My ADHD brain is going to forget. I think there's a couple of things. He's not wrong to say that he's not me. He's not supposed to control your emotions. You're saying that your amygdala gets into a tailspin and then in clouds Your entire day. But that's not his responsibility. That's ours, right? Like, if we're getting dysregulated, we can't say, well, you did this, and it caused my entire day. Well, then we're not taking accountability and own ownership of our own life, and we're avoiding actually getting deeper to say, then is this right connection? Is this person supporting me in the ways that I need? Is this person holding space for me? Is this person deflecting? Or are they taking accountability? Are they projecting it onto me? That's really important. But then I feel like that's kind of what's happening here, is that you're making it, well, you didn't support me in the way that I want, so my day was ruined. And it's like, oh, okay, but what's our accountability and responsibility, right? Did we ask maybe what they're going through? Are we understanding that? Like, again, I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong, but I just want to point out as I'm reading along there some things that I will say yes. And then there's some stuff I'm going. I don't. I don't think that's their responsibility. I think the fact that this person you felt wasn't emotionally there, that's one thing, right? I think that's valid. And you have every right to say, moving forward, could you do this? Could you do this? Like, giving tangible stuff but putting on to them that when they do something or try to get off the phone that you're in a tailspin? It's like, okay, but that's hours to emotionally regulate. I've had that. I've had that with Ryan, where I'm like, hey, I felt really dismissed. It felt like you were trying to get off the phone. And he was like, well, but. And I was like, eh, don't try to defend yourself. Could you maybe validate my emotions and feelings for a second? It. And he'll stop me like, all right, I'm sorry. I. I didn't mean to do that. And I'm like, okay, cool. Moving forward, here's what I need from you. And that's it. That's the conversation. If you can't have that conversation, that's a different story, right? So let's get. Keep going. So he says I gaslight him somehow, but the fact is he gaslights me. That. Actually, he did say something supportive, but assuming he did, why did I wake up feeling crappy and alone? No one's gaslighting anybody. That's what I'M like, what is the terminology here? How is he gaslighting you? What he's saying is, this is how I'm supporting you. Maybe we need to say curiosity. Curiosity. You're both now feeling like the other person's gaslighting the other person. It's like, whoa, whoa, all right, we lost the plot. He says he wants the issue resolved because according to him, I have blown up at him before, which I dispute, as I'm usually the common in the listener, where he is typically the more sour one in the relationship, a heavy drinker, a box of wine a week smoker, and very control freak. Although, being from the East Coast, I'm definitely the more feisty one. So, again, why are you with this person? I. I don't really understand. You said in the beginning. We decided after three years that we're meant for each other. Other for. Based on what? This person doesn't seem like they're taking accountability in the way that you need, which is valid. But then there's now feeling like you're not taking accountability. This is where it gets confusing, because, I don't know, I'm. I'm hearing your side. I'm not hearing their side. And then the truth is somewhere in the middle. And so I'm just playing devil's advocate. I'm. You know that I'm playing devil's advocate. When we're together, it's sort of wonderful, huh? We're super intimate. We have fun and create great memories, but at the same time, when he gets into his sort of teacher mode, he switches off emotional availability, which bugs the crap out of me, as one just wants love and smooth sailing and marriage and happiness and kids. Okay, no, no, I'm sorry. That is wildly unrealistic. You want smooth sailing. It's like, that's not a relationship that could be. The issue is that you think that, like, any. Any sort of human out of this person means well, but that's not how it should be. Okay, but you also are saying you're feisty, and you do the. He's saying, I feel like you attack me. It's like, are you listening to what they're also saying, too? It's not just our experience. Like, if Ryan was like, hey, man, I feel like you're always jumping down my throat, I'd have to stop and go, oh, okay. Could you share some examples? I'd love to understand what I'm doing, because maybe I'm not aware of it. Right. Like, that's where I'm saying, like, there's A lot of projecting happening on both sides. I don't know if anybody's being honest here. He literally said last night that he's a hard person to love, as am I. All right, so you both have your. And I. When I asked if this whole thing is a stack of cards, he said, we are a grant. A granite on a granite foundation, whatever that means. I don't know what the fuck it means, but I'm over the whole thing. I learned I need to express my needs to him better. I understand he's there for me despite. Despite not appearing to be. But I'm sort of way past beating the dead horse of the subject matter. It being the focal point of our conversation days later, while I do hyper focus on him sometimes, I'm way more chill when he is chill too. You're hyper vigilant. That's hyper vigilance right there. Your mood. Your mood is being altered. Let's also, like, signs of codependency. And I'm not saying you are codependent, but when our mood is determined about how someone else is, then you're not taking control of your life. Like, you're not. Then you're not making choices for yourself. You were saying, well, and he's cool. I'm cool. But when he's not, I'm not. It's like, okay, he says he doesn't want to have to teach me how to regulate my emotions. I don't need his instructions. I'm not his school, his kid in school. I regulate them just fine for being a salty east code kid from Philly. But you're not. You're not. I say that with love as a salty New Yorker. You're not regulating your emotions. You're projecting them onto him. You're saying, you need to be responsible. You need to do this. You need to do this. I had a bad day. Okay, but you're allowed to have two conflicting thoughts. That you didn't love the way he supported you, but that you still were able to get through your day cuz you're a addiction adult, right? Like, even the way you answer that, like, I don't need instructions, like, that's feeling triggered, and that's okay, but maybe he's hitting something here and maybe you're hitting something for him too, right? Maybe you both are teaching each other something, yet at the same time, he totally contradicts himself when he says it's super common for teachers in the world of education to have their spouses tell them to essentially quit talking to them like they're in class that I get. I understand that my friend does that. He's a therapist and he has got. He has people tell him, like, stop therapizing me. And he's like, I'm not being a therapist. I'm just, I'm implementing the stuff I teach people, right? And like, that's the thing is we can all get into that. So I think we can hold the two conflicting thoughts that this person's also saying that he could do that and that bothers you, but that doesn't mean we still can't learn from it. You see what I'm saying? He has mentioned before that he avoided relationships in the past because he doesn't want to have to deal with that. So what makes him so what makes him so special? That's the profession he chose. And he also wants a relationship with me. And apparently the issue is super common. So what makes him think he is so special that he gets a free pass and not dealing with that element in his personal relationship with me? I feel like this is a phase he's going through, but I feel your bit. This is to be the unwinding of our great relationship. I don't think it is, but any feedback is helpful. Go ahead and keep the content coming, Chuck. This was Ryan's note. This one looks chaotic on the surface, but underneath it's one sentence. When I don't feel emotionally met, my body panics. That's exactly what I feel. I feel like. And it's valid, right? But when I don't feel emotionally met, you know what I do? I go regulate my nervous system and I have a conversation with my partner and I talk about the things that I need. I don't sit there and project. I don't sit there and spiral. I'm not doing that because I have to take radical accountability and ownership of my life. I'm not understanding what this amazing relationship you're saying. This wonderful relationship. Which one? Which one? I, I, I. You didn't give me anything that shows that you're in this wonderful relationship besides the idea of them. Because you've put it that after four months we decided that we're meant for each other or after three years of knowing each other. But that's the thing. You're not actually seeing this person for who they are. You're seeing them for who you want them to be. You're not showing up in the way that I want. You're trying to, like, regulate your nervous system by controlling them. Welcome to anxious attachment. For all my anxious attachers out there. You think that you're just communicating. No. You're trying to control the outcome. Because I'm uncomfort means my environment needs to change instead of I'm uncomfortable. So I need to regulate my nervous system and decide if this is an environment that's right for me because I get to make a choice. I see this with the trolls that leave comments. You need to stop doing this and you need to stop doing that. And I don't like the way you do this. I'm sorry, who the are you? You're telling me you're telling you're that you're projecting on to who it is, who what is he makes him so special. Why does he get to say that? But what about you? So you're saying that the way you see things is right and he's wrong, but no one's right or wrong. I think you're both having an experience. I think this person does sound like they have a lot of unresolved things. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to sit here and be like, it's all, you know, both of you are playing into this dynamic. And that's the reality. And that's the issue I have with a lot of the anxious attachers, myself included, when I was in my heyday was I genuinely believe it's not me, it's them. It's not me. No, no. It's them that's doing all of this and it's them that's the problem. Then we're avoiding our own accountability. We're avoiding looking at ourselves and going, what are my choices? You're saying, I'm worried this is the end of this wonderful relationship crumbling. What wonderful relationship? If this person can't even be there for you in the ways that you need. Need. Are you being there for the ways that you need? Because instead you're outsourcing the validation and you're saying, well, I'm having a bad day so you need to support me instead of saying, you know what, maybe this person's not someone I can co regulate with. Maybe this person's actually not the partner that I thought they were going to be because I don't need that type of support. Maybe somebody else does and maybe somebody else, they're great for that. And it's expressing that of like, okay, well, if you don't feel like you can support me in the ways that I need you don't feel like you want to do this. I'm feeling like I'm struggling, then what, what relationship are we fighting so hard for? I'm not saying break up, but I'm saying have the hard conversations. I say this all with love, but. But I think a lot of the people with the anxiety feel like they do no wrong and it's everybody else. And that's the issue. That's the problem I have. And it's the same with the avoidant of like, I don't do anything wrong, it's everybody else. It's like, do you notice how it's the same side of the coin, just the other version of it, that that's the same core beliefs, it's the same way of handling things. We just handle them in different ways. One is outward, one goes inward, one deflects, and the other one projects. Right? Like one of them is saying, no, you need to do that, and the other one is saying, no, but you're the one doing this. And, and it's like, to me, I think both of you guys are going back into your wounds. I think both of you guys are going back into a place that isn't necessarily conducive for a healthy and secure relationship. Because part of a healthy and secure relationship is to adults that have emotional regulation, that know how to be in their bodies, that know. And it's okay that you, it's okay to have moments where you don't. You're a human. But to. All I read in that email was everything is the other person's fault. But you've done not. I'm good. I've done the work. I'm healed. I'm good. I'm. I'm good. But I can be feisty. But I could be this. But I can be salty. And it's like. So we're acknowledging that you can do that, but we're not taking accountability that that's what we're doing, that maybe that's the part that the other person's picking up on. Again, I don't know the other person's perspective. So I'm just going based off this. I don't know. Right. And I, I only know what, what's being written in. But I see this often is this idea that the anxious attachers do no wrong. And it's. At least I'm communicating. It's like, no, you're putting a lot onto the other partner. And we can't be surprised when other people are like, this feels like of a lot, a lot. Or I'm not meant to do that. I'm not meant to always be there for you. Like dude, you got. You got to be able to take care of yourself as well. Like, if I can't answer you for an afternoon because I'm at work, it can't be that the whole day is hell in a hand basket. I'll talk to you when I get home tonight and we can have a conversation about this again. If that's not the type of partner you have, then what are you fighting so hard for? I don't think you want to face the reality of who you both are as people. And that's okay. That's often times why we stay in relationships. But I will say this. The advice I have is to start taking accountability of our partner in this and to start looking at theirs and to hold them accountable for their part. But to be subjective and objective about it, right? To remove yourself from it and not be so in it and regulate and learn to regulate, to be in charge of your emotions, to be able to say what's mine to own and what's theirs, that's, I think, what's important. But I understand, like, it sucks and you're allowed to be bummed that that person wasn't there for you. Then you have a conversation with them and then you see if that's a partner that you want, if they're willing to even talk to you about it. That's why I'm saying I don't think that you're wrong for being upset, but I think it's the way that we're handling it. Because if your body doesn' feel safe because you're not getting the attunement that you need, it can't always be on them. Eventually we have to say, okay, well then one, is this the right relationship for me? And then how am I showing up for me? Because that's what I'm saying, might not be. This might not be your person. I don't know. I would ask you what makes you think it is just because you have fun. A really by the way, spoiler alert. Having a healthy and secure relationship doesn't just mean that you sit on the couch on the at night and watch Netflix and have a good time. Healthy and secure relationships mean you feel safe to express yourself. Means that there is a safe space for you to have hard conversations. Means that you feel seen, heard and understood by your partner. That the way that they love and support you works. And the way that you love and support support them works for them as well. That's part of being in a healthy and secure relationship. It's not just that. When the good times are good. I love that. It's like, it's also taking the bad and the storms and being able to weather them together. That's why I said when you're like, well, it should be smooth sailing and marriage and kids, it's like, I'm sorry, what, what Pollyanna book did you read that everything is smooth sailing? What it is is that you have a partner that you can explore tough conversations with. But it's not necessarily smooth sailing. It's that you weather the storms together. So I hope that was helpful and I love you and I said those will help. I hope you guys know I'm not trying to be a dick, but I am trying to slap a little bit of reality because that's what I needed when I was back in the day and that's what my therapist would offer me and my sister. So. All right babes, that's it. We have a little bit of a bite sized nugget episode today because I'm also realizing people don't really listen to longer than like a 35 minute episode. And that's okay. I think we cover a lot in these times and I want to be able to just give you guys a little bit answer some questions. Like I said, the show is only as good as the questions you submit. So please, please send them to inthrenches@sabrina zoar.com don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment, share it with a friend if you think this would be helpful for them. And thank you for being being here. Thank you for allowing me to guide you guys and thank you for trusting me with this stuff. All right babies, until next time. Toogood and Co Coffee Creamers are made with farm fresh cream, real milk and contain 3 grams of sugar per serving. That's 40% less than the 5 grams per serving in leading traditional coffee creamers for a rich, delicious experience. Whether you enjoy your coffee and hot, cold, bold or frothy, two good coffee creamers make every sip a good one. Two good coffee creamers Real goodness in every sip. Find them at your local Kroger in the creamer aisle.