← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Sabrina Zohar
Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax. And let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contact contacts. Spring is here, and there's a whole new way to chai at Starbucks that's made perfect for you. Choose your sweetness. Dial it up. Or keep things light. Add a touch of pistachio, a hint of strawberry or vanilla, or make it a spring classic with lavender. Because this season, there's endless ways to chai at Starbucks. You've read the books, you've gone to therapy. You've worked on your attachment style. You're regulating your nervous system. You've become so fluent in the therapy speak, and you can identify every single pattern, and yet still in relationships that don't work for you. And I think this is something that most people in the wellness world aren't saying, that sometimes the problem isn't your attachment wound. Sometimes the problem is the person that you're with. And no amount of work will fix an outer mismatch. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends. Welcome back. It's episode two of the Hard Truth Speaking series. You guys know I love a series. I'm kind of a slut for them. It's fun because we build and we get to, like, expand each one. And don't worry, you guys asked for it. We're going to do the nervous system one a little bit later in spring. And so I'm excited, but last week we talked about being addicted to potential, right? You were dating the fantasy instead of really being in the reality. So today we're going to go further. What happens when you try to therapy your way through incompatibility? Spoiler alert. It doesn't. It doesn't actually work. And I need you to stop blaming yourself for something that was never really yours to. To fix. And, guys, before we start, I asked you guys what you wanted to hear about this topic and the question box exploded. Don't forget to follow on at the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram if you want to add in so that I can answer some of your questions, so I'm weaving those throughout. And don't forget, as always, at the end, we have the tool of the week. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hi, friends. We're back for another week. And guys, as always, I'm trying to keep the intros as short as possible, but the reminders is we have not a lot of new people. So if some of the stories feel repetitive, I know, I get it. I can't come up with new things that I haven't experienced. But. But I'm doing my goddamn best. And I always just like to share and give a disclosure. I have adhd, I speak fast, and I curse a lot. If that doesn't work for you, that is okay, then would. This just isn't your community. But I'm so tired of having to change who I am in order to make other people feel comfortable that don't even follow or know who we are, but yet want me to change who I am. And part of being here is that you can show up as you so that I also can show up as me. And I don't take offense to it, but all I ask that means the world is share this with a friend. Share the episode, share the podcast, share anything with somebody that could actually benefit from this because that's the co. The quickest way we can grow. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment. We do read all of them. Doesn't mean that all of them are welcomed here and that some people won't get blocked if you're rude, but we do want to be part of the community, and I love when you guys engage with each other and talk, and then we just have so much more to go. Right? We're getting close to the book time, and it just feels surreal. And so I just wanted to say thank you and express my gratitude for all of you guys and let you know if you need anything. You can join a course, work one on one, ask a question. Everything's at the Lincoln bio. As the book comes closer, I don't know how much more I'll be working with folks while this whole process is happening, but we're in this together. Oh, I didn't even show you guys. If you're watching. I got my new tattoo. I got a bean for Kobe. It's still being healed. And my mom tattoo for my mama, because you guys know I talk about her all the time. So I wanted to show you that. Okay, let's get into the episode so that we don't dick around and dilly too much and dally. But I wanted to talk about this episode and have this episode because I think it's really important for us to expand the conversation. I get it. A lot of you guys don't tune in because the episode title isn't what you want it to be. But I assure you that all of the episodes really do build on and they start to have a cohesion and like, what. How do we start to improve repetition? So I know again, you might be saying, God, I've heard her say this again. But maybe it's saying it in a specific way that unlocks something. So if a non. If you don't want to listen, just mark it as finished. Welcome to rigging the system. Okay, let's talk about the self improvement trap, because I know I was guilty of this, that we want to do everything we possibly can, but sometime that becomes our personality when we're doing everything we can to try. I have to fix, I have to fix, I have to fix. Eventually we have to stop and go, when will I be okay with where I am, though? And that is guilty as charged that I'm personally trying to become okay with myself as well. Right. Even the J shy episode was incredible. And I was trying to explain to people, like, when you have ADHD, talking to somebody else in a conversation, I can show up differently versus when I talk to myself and people say, why are you so angry? I'm like, I'm not angry. I'm. I'm passionate about what I'm saying and I'm building myself up. But if I had stopped and said, okay, well, that's it, I need to keep changing and morphing and changing and morphing, I would never be going, okay, well, you know what? Eventually I do have to accept myself for who I am. And eventually I have to understand that, like, yeah, I'm a needy. Right? When it comes to relationships, there were going to be so many people it wasn't going to work out with. And boy, oh boy, do I have some stories that I can't wait to share as the episode goes on. And we've been sold kind of this narrative of like, if the relationship isn't working, I need to work on myself more or I'm attracting this because of my unhealed wounds. And if I just become more secure, they're going to show up differently. And this is the number one I hear is like, the problem is my anxious attachment. And I understand where that comes from. And I think what we can look at and say is what you're describing are patterns. Right? We can start to get curious about what are the patterns that I'm exhibiting. And as I've said before, you are not too much. Maybe the behavior, maybe the way you show up, maybe the way that you handle things might be too much for somebody else. But when we fuse and self identify with it's me, then we don't actually take into account that. Wait a minute. How can every single thing about me be an issue versus these are the things I have control over and these are the things I don't. So I can take what I can use and leave what I can't. And the hard truth is that sometimes your anxiety isn't an attachment trauma. It's your body telling you that this person isn't safe. Sometimes you're too much. It's not right. It has nothing to do with you being too much. Sometimes you're just with somebody who cannot handle your basic needs. And I wanted to start incorporating some analogies because I think that could be helpful. Your nervous system is like a smoke alarm. So yeah, sometimes it'll go off because you burn toast. And that's old trauma getting triggered by a harmless situation. We had that in our house. Whenever time we make shishito peppers, the alarms go crazy. There's no fire. But sometimes there is an actual fire. And sometimes the putting out of the fire, you're standing there trying to work on the smoke alarm. The alarm isn't the problem. The fire is the problem. And that's what I mean by you can't heal and grow into your way out of a dysfunctional connection. I have had so many people that I'm just like, oh, but if. Right, but if this happened, if you have to say, but if they did this, then we would be this. Then you're not actually dating them. You're dating that. If they change what that means for you, if they become more emotionally available, I'll feel more seen in her. Understood. So then it's not really about them anymore. It's about what you benefit from them changing that behavior. And that's okay. That's human. But that doesn't mean that we can't work on that. So one of the audience questions you guys asked was, how do I know the difference between a wrong match or relationship anxiety? So this is the smoke alarm question. I want you to start to get curious. Does this feeling show up in every relationship or does it show up with this person? So if your Anxiety is relationship driven in general you, it's going to keep following you from person to person. That's the smoke alarm being too sensitive, right? That is that every single thing our default mode network is starting to go, no, no danger. We've experienced this before. Now what do we know about the brain? According to neuroscience, our brain is a predictive machine which means anything that even looks remotely like that we are going to go into weight danger. Think about, we've talked about this before. If you're in the hunter gatherer days and the wind blows, you can either go ah, there's nobody and then a tiger comes in and eats you and that was wrong or you can always be on offense because if it's not a tiger, at least I'm safe. And that's how our brain perceives situations is that we project onto other experiences and people ones and experiences that we've had. That doesn't necessarily mean that that's the factual information. And that's usually what I'll hear this with my anxious folk is that there's something off. I just can't put my finger on it. I know something's wrong. Oh baby, I knew something was wrong because I created that. I created that feeling in that vibe. Now does that mean that maybe this person wasn't right for us? Yeah, absolutely. That those are not mutually exclusive. But if I have nothing to quantify it, oh then I think we need to start looking at it because then it's not that there's nothing wrong. We can quantify that there is something like their behavior or the way that they're treating you versus if this is a person specific thing, it started or dramatically escalated with this partner. Your alarm is detecting that something real is there. And so I also want to look at when self work becomes that self blame, right? That when we take full radical responsibility so far that you've absolved them of any that every problem becomes your pattern to fix, every action or reaction becomes your wound to heal. And somewhere along the way you stopped asking is this person actually good for me? And the question that nobody is asking is are you doing the work to become healthier or are you doing the work to become small enough to fit into a relationship that doesn't fit you? Because those are two different things. And I fell into this hook line sinker. For anyone who's new, I'll share with you my story. And I was with an incredibly narcissistic partner who was very similar to my father. And it was in therapy, right. If you guys listen to the heartbreak episode, you'll know the story. But when I was doing tapping, and that's where you tap on pressure points so that you can regulate and calm down while you're having hard conversations and hard thoughts. And I remember just saying, it's all my fault. It's all my fault. I took 100 ownership of why it didn't work. I'm too much. I pushed him away. If I had just stopped doing this, he would have loved me more. If I stopped making things so difficult, he wouldn't have been angry with me all the time. I absolved him of any wrongdoing. And so for two and a half, almost like four months, what am I talking about? I was just going around of how I'm the worst person. It's all me. It's all me. And then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. And people ask me all, when did it change for you? This is the moment everything changed for me. When I stopped and said it couldn't have all been my fault. The other person played a part. That doesn't absolve me of my responsibility of how I showed up in the relationship. But what I'm also doing is I'm not absolving them of their part in this dynamic. Because at the end of the day, it takes two to tango. And if I think it's all everybody else, I'm not looking at myself and I think, I think it's all me, then I'm not holding other people accountable for their part in this dynamic. And so I constantly did everything I could. Why? Why? I'll tell you why. Because if I could own the issue, if everything is my fault, that means I have full control over it. And if I have full control over it, that means I could have controlled the outcome. And if I can control the outcome, I can control the pain that I feel. But the reality is, it takes two people to be part of a dynamic. So if you're constantly trying to take full ownership of the relationship, that's why you're constantly going to feel that incongruence. Because it can't all be you. If it were all you, then you'd be able to change other people. And you can't, because people can't change you either. This episode is sponsored by Fabletics. Okay, you might think Fabletics is really just there for your workout gear, but baby, Fabletics has so much more and I am obsessed. Can we talk about the maxi dress that I got? It is this gorgeous, like, olive green dress. It is. Feels like second skin. I didn't even realize I was wearing it all day. It had a built in bra which was incredible. So I didn't have to worry about anything and talk about day to night. Right? Because I love being able to go throughout my day and then maybe throw on a different pair of shoes and go out with tech guy for date night. And I love that Fabletics can support me in my day to night. Plus me and tech guy are matching because he is obsessed with Fabletics. He wears it every single morning. So when we go on our hikes or when we go and do a workout together, I love that we get to match. Because Fabletics has something for everybody. Whether that be you, whether that be a family member, a loved one or just want to get yourself a little bit more. And right now, babies, Fabletics already has incredible deals and I've got an exclusive offer just for my listeners. Get 80. That's correct. 80% off everything. When you sign up as a VIP, just head to Fabletics.com Sabrina take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Sabrina when prompted to unlock your 80 off. Again, that's Fabletics.com Sabrina so let's talk about that. Compatibility isn't a wound. So let's get into some studies and I made it so that the studies will exemplify what I'm trying to say so that you guys can see it in a real time kind of way. So in 2020 there was a study done by Joel et al. So it was published in Proceedings, the National Academy of sciences. It was 86 researchers, 43 data sets, 1100 oh 111 oh for my, my number babes, my 11,196 couples. So it was a machine learning analysis and here's what they found and I love being able to understand the data. The biggest predictor of your relationship satisfaction isn't your attachment style. It's not your childhood or your personal growth journey. It's actually relationship specific factors. Those are perceived partner commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction and conflict. So those relationship specific variables were two to three times more predictive than individual characteristics like personality, attachment style or depression. In other layman's terms, who you are matters. But how you feel about this specific person and how this specific person shows up for you matter way more. You could be the most secure, healed, emotionally intelligent person alive and still be miserable with the wrong partner. And so that's why constantly changing who we are. Like I saw you know on Instagram all the therapists make videos that I actually really appreciate when show like things and the woman had a plate, trying to put it in a bin, and it very clearly didn't fit. And so she said, this is what it feels like when you try to change yourself for them. She slapped, she broke the the plate and put the pieces in. But that's exactly it. You're a piece of yourself. You're not a whole full embodied human. You're trying to fit and make it work. And this works if you're dating, if you're in a relationship right now, if you're in a marriage right now. None of this is exclusive to just anybody who's not in anything. But what we have to look at is like, what's my part and what's theirs, right? Me and Ryan, we make very conscious decisions as a couple to be in our relationship. We have conversations often of, hey, if this is the end of the road of how much you're willing to invest and I'm willing to invest, that's okay, let's talk about it. But we're not at the end of that road yet. We are still walking the path together to determine this is right for us. That's why I think going slow is beautiful, because I've rushed into it. I've been into relationships and very serious things where you involve the government. And if you don't have even a thought process of what happens if this doesn't work, then you will do everything in your power to make sure it does. Because the thought of being without them is more terrifying than the thought of being alone and just not having even to deal with this. And also, it's more terrifying for a lot of you than being stuck in the wrong thing. I would so much rather be alone than in bad company. I would so much rather be single and having my peace and knowing what it is that's right for me, that it's out there, than being with somebody who is wasting my time. Because the more time you waste of mine, the more time you're wasting of me to be with the right person. And if I'm staring so hard at a window that's closed, I don't see all the doors opening around me because then I don't let the right person in because I'm holding on so tightly to the wrong one, trying to make some them something that they're not. So one of you guys asked, what makes a partner that checks all the boxes a bad match? Well, I think we have to look at and say, what are these boxes? Right? Because I think they might look right on paper. They have the job. They have the values, the communication skills. But your body knows something your checklist doesn't. And so that study backed that up. It's not about their resume, it's about how you feel in it with them. So if you feel unseen, unappreciated, or consistently anxious with someone who checks all the boxes and the boxes are wrong or at least incomplete. And that's why I have to. I always like to clarify, is this want or need? I can want you in my life and I that's a beautiful place to be. But if I need you in my life, that's a very different outcome. The best advice my big brother ever gave me was burn the checklist. And the reason he said that was know your non negotiables, know your boundaries, know how you want to feel with somebody. But if everybody that checks your boxes ends up being a narcissistic or a piece of that doesn't hold any space for you, then we need to look back and say, what are in those boxes? How serious are you being about what you actually need verse want? Because I'll tell you this, baby, you know what I used to think I needed? I needed the looks and the this and the this. And this past weekend we went to an event and I saw a ton of people there that I used to know. Like all from my pre this days, you know, the. The hot mess girl. I was embarrassed. I was terrified going in. And Ryan reminded me the difference between you then and now is you. He was like, you've done this work, you've shown up differently. And he's like, you're walking in with so much more to offer than you ever used to believe that you had. And nothing changed besides how you see you. And he was like, and you're walking in now with a partner. You're walking in with somebody who also sees that. And we went. And you know what I started noticing? A lot of these people kept looking over, but nobody came up and talked. And that's fine. I don't really give a. And I left feeling so empowered. Not because anything changed, but because I finally realized I belonged in that room. I wasn't faking my way in there. I wasn't pretending that I shouldn't be there there. I belonged in that room. And so I started to notice all those guys as a heterosexual woman that I used to be enamored with in cuckoo. I was like, yeah, they're okay. Even Ryan, he's like, that's the guy. There was one guy and he was like, that's the one that you thought was the most handsome version of like God's gift. And I saw him, I was like, yeah, he's okay. You know why? It's not because he's not an attractive person. That has nothing to do with it. I'm never going to put anyone down for their looks. It's because there's nothing else there. And I have learned I need so much more to be fulfilled in a relationship than just an attractive person. Being good looking gets you in the door, it doesn't keep you at the table. And we have this fallacy of well, they're pretty and they're attractive and so then that's it, a relationship will work. And we have the halo effect. Well, because this one thing that means everything else about them will work. But just because they're good looking or funny doesn't actually mean they have the bandwidth, the tools and the capacity to be in a healthy and secure relationship with you. And if all you need is that they have a six pack or that they have a pretty face, then we need to look at how much depth you offer and require in order to be in a relationship as well and how deeply you've met yourself self. So here's what doing the work can't fix. Someone who doesn't have the capacity or the bandwidth to grow. Fundamental value differences, incompatible life goals, emotional unavail, unavailability that they're not addressing disrespect as their communication style and different needs for intimacy, connection or space. And that was just, I think the clearest thing right again, when we were at this event, there's some gorgeous people there, I'm talking some of these bartenders. I was like, jesus, where did you come from? Like what parents made you? And I could acknowledge them. Like Ryan and I would look, we'd see a beautiful woman and be like wow, she is a total babe. But I had to stop and go, but I need more than this. I need so much more. It's not that I was doing that to understand that I want to be single, but more so just coming to terms with myself of like, wow, dude, you really have grown, you really have evolved. Because what you used to give a about no longer matters to you. Because you know what you actually need to be in a healthy and secure relationship. And that's a question some of you guys had asked earlier that we or later that we will preemptively get to of like how do I know what it is that I need? That right there, there is what are you going to need at night, strip the looks, right? Strip all that. What are you going to need when you're on the floor crying and you need someone to take you to the hospital? Do you need someone that's attractive that has to leave because there's something else more important? Or do you need somebody that has heart and soul? Again, that doesn't mean that you can't be physically attracted to your partner. But what that does mean is that we don't need all these grandiosity of big feelings and emotions. Sometimes it could be calm and steady and that's a beautiful place to be. This episode is sponsored by I am eight guys. I've been feeling a little off, like not quite 100%. I've been so just tired, weird, low energy, not really focusing. And that's why I'm starting IMH's daily Ultimate Essentials. 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This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases. So McNulty and Fincham did a study in 2012 that was published in the American Psychology So it reviewed four independent longitudinal studies of married couples. They found that four positive traits, I.e. forgiveness, optimistic expectations, positive thoughts, and kindness predicted well, better well being in healthy marriages. But in troubled marriages with unresponsive partners, these exact same traits predicted worse outcomes. I want you to let that sink in. So what that means is being forgiving with someone who keeps hurting you doesn't heal the relationship. It enables the behavior. And being optimistic with someone who's checked out doesn't inspire them. It keeps you stuck. Being kind to someone who takes you for granted doesn't model healthy behavior. It trains them that they don't need to try because you're going to overperform in order to make this relationship work. And at the end of the day, we have to stop and ask, what's my part and what is theirs? Or lack thereof. Somebody had asked, can you. Can't you not want to work on your attachment styles and grow and heal together? Absolutely. If both people are doing that, that's what the research shows. Your kindness and your patience and your willingness to grow. It only works if you're being met. If you're the only one that's reading the books, going therapy, bringing up the hard conversations, you're not actually healing together. You're healing alone in a relationship. And the myth of I can heal us both, that is actually a myth, because your healing journey is yours, their healing journey is theirs. And you cannot do enough work for the two of you. You cannot grow enough to compensate for their stagnation, and you cannot love someone into becoming emotionally available. And I realized that even this weekend, when I had seen all those people and I stopped and was like, dude, it doesn't matter how much you heal. Do you notice how all of them have kind of stayed the same? Same. All those same dudes. It's been four years since I've seen even half of them, and they're all still single. They're all. And again, it's not that there's anything wrong with that. My point being is, like, nothing has changed. They're all still doing the same thing. I was even talking to a friend, and she's like, dude, those dudes are pushing 45, 46 this year, doing the same thing they've been doing for 15 years, living in the same town. Because for some folks, it doesn't matter how amazing you are. Can you motivate someone? Of course. Course, Right? When Ryan and I first met, I motivated him to see things in a different way. I didn't do it for him, though. I showed up as myself, and I allowed a space in the same way. I do that for the podcast. Imagine if I said, okay, well, I show up here every week and I do all of this. None of your changing. Would that be pretty insensitive if you're like, what do you mean none of us are changing? I'm going through something, or I'm really struggling, or I'm. I'm. I'm not really understanding this. That would be me then projecting Being like, oh, well, but then you're not doing, doing it right. I'm doing all this work. I hear that all the time. God, I hear that all the time. Especially with my anxious folk. The avoidant doesn't do anything. At least I'm communicating. At least I'm doing the work. It's like, no, baby, you're throwing pasta up at the wall and seeing what sticks. Constantly talking doesn't necessarily mean communicating. And if you're boasting, going, well, I'm doing all this work and they're doing nothing, then what I have to ask is, why are you staying then? Because if this person keeps showing you that they're not willing to do it, then what's your excuse for not walking away? Way I say that with love and compassion and honesty because I remember my sister once just like yelling at me, not in a negative way, but just being like, when the are you going to see it? And I just snapped me out of it. And I was like, oh my God, she's right. And sometimes we just need to hear it of like, I'm wasting my time here. And someone had said there not a question, but would love to know more as this is my 10 years of marriage and I want you to let that sink in. And the reason that I'm saying this is because, baby, I got to ask you, if you've been married to someone for 10 years and then they're still not willing to do anything, do you think another 10 is going to change that? And I'm not saying divorce, please know that that's not like, oh, that's it, just walk away. But what I will say is how much work are they willing to invest? And how much work are you willing to invest? And then how okay, are you if they don't? That's a big question. Because for some people, they could say, listen, I. It doesn't really bother me. It's very minute issues. Great, good luck, Godspeed, enjoy your relationship. That sounds great. And for other of us, we're like, no, that doesn't work. I can't be with someone that's not going to do X, Y and Z. Cool. You also have the right to say that, but just because you're in a marriage or a relationship doesn't mean that we have to now just forego all the things that we want because we're married. It's like, maybe we can learn from that, have a real conversation with our partner and say, what are we going to do about this? Because if they're unwilling to Go to therapy or do anything, even couples therapy, whatever it is, nothing changes if nothing changes. And so now let's go into the other side of the pendulum, right? We have the one side of like, okay, well, if they're not willing to do anything and you're doing all this work, work, well, we can, we can't force that other person. But now I want to go into the opposite side of when we use therapy. Speak as a cage, right, baby, you've learned all the words, right? I need to regulate my nervous system. This triggered my attachment wounds. I'm working on my anxious patterns. But sometimes therapy language can become a cage. It's a sophisticated way to stay in a situation that you should have left. Because if you keep saying I need to work on being less triggered, maybe we need to acknowledge that this isn't a trigger. This is disrespectful. They're just avoidant. I need to give them space. Or sometimes they're showing you exactly how much effort they're willing to give and it's not enough. Maybe they are avoidant, or maybe they really are just not giving you what you need. I'm going to use this relationship as an opportunity to heal. Relationships can facilitate healing. But if you're getting wounded faster than you're healing, the math doesn't. Math. Oh, we just need to communicate better. Maybe. Or maybe you've communicated perfectly and they've chosen not to respond because communication only works when both people are listening. Thing that's why I keep saying is we have to look and say, am I just using this lingo and these words to avoid dealing with the reality of like, that person's not doing anything and somebody asked a question that I actually really loved. What if I'm the problem? I want to say this. I don't think anybody is the problem, including the person that is having their issues. I think what it is is there's an incongruence, right? And maybe we are facilitating part of the dynamic. Typically speaking, the people who are like, truly the problem don't usually wonder if they are. But I think you can contribute to the dynamic being fundamentally the problem. Maybe you're people pleasing so hard that you don't even know what it is that you need. Maybe your avoidance of conflict is actually creating a false piece that's actually making everything worse. That's your work. But it's different from I'm broken. And this is why this isn't working. That's why I want to say you're allowed to take accountability of your Part. Yeah, you know what? I text them a hundred times. You're right. This is the one thing we speak about this on Dr. J's episode, when it comes out. But sometimes it's not that they're avoidant. Sometimes it's that we don't know how to regulate our goddamn emotional state. And even a healthy and secure person would start to shut down and get turned off by somebody who is constantly going outwards but has no regulation inwards. That doesn't make anybody a bad person. But we do need to stop with it's always the avoidant and it's always everybody else. And we need to start looking at ourselves and saying, how am I showing up in this dynamic? Because if there's a pattern, I can't consistently blame everyone else for it. But what we also want to do is hold a space for our experience because no one's to blame. But sometimes we get into that space. So let's talk about growth versus gymnastics. Growth. Growth. I'm learning to express my needs more clearly. The gymnastics I'm learning to need less so I don't overwhelm them. Growth. I'm working on trusting after betrayal. Gymnastics. I'm working on being okay with behavior that breaks my trust. Growth. I'm learning to self soothe. Gymnastics. I'm learning to soothe myself because they won't show up. You can't secure your way out of insecurity inducing behavior. No amount of attachment healing will make you feel secure with someone who disappears with that explanation, gives inconsistent effort and dismisses your needs or breaks promises repeatedly. That's not your attachment style. That's a normal response to unreliable behavior. And we have to stop gaslighting ourselves. Everything is like, it's my attachment style to my dad. No, sometimes they're just an sometimes. It has nothing to do with your attachment style. Not everything can be through that lens. Sometimes it is through the lens of they don't have the bandwidth to show up the way that I need. This episode is sponsored by One Skin. You guys know me. I am aging with grace and I will never not use one skin. So every night, me and techie, we do our skincare routine and we always use one or all of One Skin's product products. Specifically their under eye cream. I am obsessed. And their full body lotion is unbelievable. And the reason I love it is because at the core is their patented OS1 peptide. So it's the first ingredient proven to target senescent cells. And those are a key driver of wrinkles, fine lines, and a loss of Elasticity. Those are all key signs of skin aging. 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- [29:37]
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- [30:07]
Sabrina Zohar
And someone asked My boyfriend dumps me every four to five months. I always go back. Help. That's what we're talking about, right? You know the pattern, you can see it, you can name it and you still go back. It's not because you're dumb. That's why. If they wanted to, they would. It doesn't apply. You can want to do something and do and want are two different parts of the brain. And maybe you never learned that taking up space is okay. Right? Right. Because if you keep going back to somebody that's treating you poorly, then what you're saying is you're riding that roller coaster. And that could even be a trauma bond that when they're here in the highs, oh my God, I need it. And when the lows, I'm not okay without them. Because somewhere along the way you learn that that's love. And you learn that you're only okay if you have them in your life. But what if I told you that you're okay no matter what because you have view. When are you going to make a change? Cuz that's the reality. You can sit here all day and you can do all this work and all this work and all this work, but you know when the work adds up, up. Do you know when doing the work actually starts to show in your life when someone comes after they've treated you poorly and you say no instead of yes. When someone texts you out of nowhere that you haven't heard for from six months and instead of being like, oh my God, they're back, they want me, you say no, thank you, I deserve better. And what really shows that you've done the work is when you can grieve the ending of things without it having to mean anything about your value. And often times too, that's the identity piece of like, I'm the healer, I do the work, I don't give up on people. But that keeps you stuck. Sometimes the most healed choice is to leave. Because growth isn't about staying longer, it's about seeing things clearer. And so that's where we want to stop. That's the, the first thing is like, is this person also facilitating in our dynamic, in the issues that we're having and the progress that we're trying to make? Somebody had written in and it breaks my heart and she said, it's the same guy. And like every time they come, when he comes back, he's lovely and sweet and then the second she does anything for us, I'll go on a date, even call a friend, do something for her. He's attacking her, he's putting her down, down. And every time he comes back, she answers. And every time he leaves, she's depressed because her entire self worth is dependent on are you going to come back for me? Are you going to choose me? And I get it because that was me as a little girl. It was always about who's going to come back and save me instead of realizing that's me. And even this morning in my meditation, it said think about all the little parts of you or the adult you. And it was my adult me. And she stepped up there and she was like, no, no, I'm here now. I need you to know that I'm here now because they don't need to deal with this anymore. I get to, they don't have to. And that was such a shift for me to see. I have my back. I'm even noticing with myself negative comments. I'm like, eh, off, blocked and deleted. I don't give a right, you can go enjoy your mother's bas note or you somehow have wi fi I if we let every external determine who we are internally, oh my God, that's going to be exhausting for you and I should know it. So let's start talking about when you stop working and when you start walking the knowing vers leaving gap. And this is what a lot of you guys were asking, asking, like, why can't I leave? Why is it so easy to go back when this person comes back? How do I know when to give up and stop working? There was a study done in 2013 published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. So seven studies across multiple samples of North American adults. So Spielman and colleagues found that fear of being single predicts settling for less in relationships, even after accounting for anxious attachment. So people with higher fear of being single were less likely to initiate a breakup from an unsatisfying relationship. They were more likely to stay dependent on partners who were making that them not happy and more likely to show romantic interest in partners who are less responsive to them. And that's the gap between knowing and doing. Your brain knows this relationship isn't right, but your nervous system is running on a different calculation. What if I'm alone? What if this is the best that I can get? What if nobody else wants me? And that fear not love. Fear is what pulls you back every time. That's your biology. And that's what I mean by we have to stop and ask, is this about them or is this about what I get by not leaving and by not walking away way? Because if it was actually about them, then we would be having different conversations. But the same conversations we keep having are, how do I get them to like me? And how do I b. But if you're trying to get somebody who is so unavailable to be into you that I have to stop and ask, what does this mean about you? Right? Like, how do you know when it's time to walk away? Is it a bad match? Is it bad timing? Right? You're struggling to grow. Like, you guys asked a lot of the same questions. So now I want you to ask the compatibility questions. Do we want the same things? Fundamentally not can we compromise? But do we actually want the same things? Life. Are we both willing to grow? Not are they capable? Are they actively doing it? When I express my needs, do I feel heard? Not do they say the right words? Do they actually change and implement it? Am I expanding or shrinking in this relationship? That's the hardest re the reframe to hit. If I just become healthy enough, then it'll work. No, no, no. My health isn't the variable here. Compatibility is. Oftentimes people say my triggers are the problem. No, triggers are information. What is this trigger trying to tell me in team Teach me right? I need to do more work No, I need to ask if this person is capable of meeting me. That's the reality here, is we need to start shifting and asking the questions that we genuinely need to ask in order to see if that works for us. And if your answer is, yeah, they're doing a lot of work on themselves, it's just not fast enough. Okay, well then that's a reality. Maybe we give a timeline or if it's, yeah, they're, they're really trying and I'm trying to understand, that's great. But if you're dating or in a relationship with someone who refuses to do any work on them, themselves and us included, right. If we were that person, I would be okay. If someone's like, okay, well you're not really growth minded, you're not trying to meet me there. We can't will our way into hoping that this person changes. On the same token, if somebody is doing all that work, then we need to be cognizant and say, are we compatible? Cuz even if they became all of these things, is that enough for me, it doesn't make you selfish if it's not. Let's talk about the tool of the week. It's called the Responsibility Audit. I want you to draw a line down the middle of the page on the left column. Column, I want you to put what I'm working on. I want you to list everything you're actually and actively doing to make this relationship better or to process whatever. Dating, maybe it's therapy, books, podcasts, conversations, changes you've made. All right, what is in your control on the right column, what are they working on? List everything they're actively doing, not what they say they'll do, what they're actually doing. So if they keep saying that, they're going to call you more and then they don't. So then we don't add that. If they say they're going to go to therapy and they don't, well then we don't add that. Now I want you to look at the two columns. If one column is full and one is empty, you're not in a partnership. That's a project, not a partner. And you're the only contractor who showed up. Right. Like, remember group projects as kids? There was always that one person who did nothing while everyone else picked up the slack. And at the end everyone got the same grade. But your relationship shouldn't be a group project where you're doing all the work. If you stopped showing up, what, what would happen to the whole thing? This tells you everything. You need to know about who's actually invested. If the imbalance is severe, I want you to ask question your yourself, why am I doing all the work for them? What am I afraid of happening if I stop? And the hardest question of all, if they're not working on this relationship, what makes me think that they have the bandwidth in order to. I think that's really important. And as we kind of wrap up, what I need you to hear is, your healing journey is yours, and it's real. Your growth is real. The work you've done in yourself matters. But you can't heal your way out of a bad match. You can't grow enough to compensate for incompatibility, and you cannot do so much work on yourself that a relationship doesn't work work. Start suddenly working. Some relationships don't fail because you're broken. They fail because two people fundamentally want two different things. One person is doing all the work because you're compatible with who they could be, but not who they actually are. So we need to stop doing the work for them. We have to stop blaming our attachment style for their behavior. If I hear one more time like, oh, it's just my anxious attachment, no, that person's being rude, and it's okay to say that. And we have to stop trying to become so small and flexible and healed enough to make something work that doesn't. I want you to hear me because when I say this, you deserve a relationship where the work is shared, where growth goes both ways, where you don't have to become someone else just to be love. And no, that's not asking too much. That's asking for the bare minimum. And the bare minimum is no longer negotiable around here. And so I want to leave you with this. You can't try to fix this person, but you know what you can do? You could decide if they deserve space in your life any longer. Because if the answer is no, I think you know what to do with it. And that's okay. If you're scared. I think that's really human. I think that makes so much sense that it does feel really overwhelming. But like my mama always said, if you're scared of being alone, aren't you already? Let that be the answer. All right, babies, I love you. Thank you for sitting with me for another week. Our Hard Truth series number two. Don't forget to rate and review the show. Share it with a friend, with anybody that you think would benefit. Leave a comment and let me know what you guys think. And I'm here for you. If you guys want more. We've got some new courses, we have some a new membership coming soon that I'm not going to say too much on but we're working on it. You can work with one on one, ask a question, whatever you need. Everything's@sabrina zahar.com or the link in show notes and if not, thank you for being here. I'm really proud of you. And until next week, my babies,
- [38:46]
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