← The Sabrina Zohar Show
Loading summary
Transcript13 lines
- [00:01]
Redfin Sponsor
This episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking, maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin, saving homes without expecting to get them. But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home with agents who close twice as many deals. When you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started@redfin.com own the dream
- [00:31]
TurboTax Sponsor
are you stuck staring at your W2? Are tax refund worries holding you back? You probably have fomu the fear of messing up the fix. Using TurboTax on Intuit credit Karma. They find every credit and deduction to help you get every refund dollar you deserve or your money back. It's time to overcome your fear of messing up and get your taxes done right. Start filing today.
- [00:56]
Sabrina Zohar
In the Credit Karma apply we ask what if questions. What if they come back? What if they don't want me? What if they leave me? But the question I actually think we need to ask is what if you don't actually want a relationship? What if you want proof? Proof that you're enough. Proof that you're lovable. Proof that you're worth choosing. And the second you get the proof, you're either going to lose interest or you'll find something wrong and burn it to the ground. Here's the truth. Hard truth number three, to be exact. Some of you aren't actually dating for partnership. You're dating for validation. And there's a massive difference. Because one builds a life and the other just feeds a wound that will never stay full. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Hello, babes. Welcome back to episode three of the Hard Truth series. Remember episode one, we talked about being addicted to potential. Love it. Episode two, we talked about how you can't heal your way out of a bad match. And today, we're going to go deeper. What if the things that you're chasing aren't love at all? I asked you guys whether you were dating for love or validation, and a lot of you had questions. So we're gonna get into all of that today. And don't forget, as always, at the end, we have our tool. Now, do I put it at the end to keep you? Yeah, yeah, no shit. But that's what I ask for you. Because, guys. Okay, book time is coming, and I got a mama got put her ego aside because it's really hard for me to ask for things and what I the only thing I ask is that you guys pre order the book. I don't think maybe most people don't know. I didn't either. Pre ordering a book is how the author gets on the New York Times list. That's how we get Target and Walmart to know. Hey, people want Sabrina's book because look how many people are buying it pre order. So baby, I need anytime it starts to go on, which don't worry, you'll, you'll find out when it does. But by October 13th when the book comes out, we got a pre order prior, so don't worry. I'm gonna do a book tour. I'm gonna come and see you guys. We're gonna do meet and greets. I can't wait. And you guys will also get a lot of freebies if you pre order the book because mama wants to say thank you. So I just wanted to share my gratitude. I had a really stuff tough start to the day to day and I had to realize who the I was and I had to cry and let it out so that I could show up for my babes because you guys show up for me and that is my due diligence and my duty to you is to give it back. So guys, as always, if you need anything, you can join one of the courses, work one on one, ask a question ad free if you want or I mean listen to the ads. They are all products I use. I never take sponsors that we don't actually love because I want to make sure I'm not leading you guys down a path that is not good for you. Or just be here and just rate and review and share it with a friend because that means the world. That's how we grow the show and grow this community. And guys, as always, thank you. I might cry today, maybe I don't know because I'm just. I wouldn't have a light or a passion or a purpose without you. And you guys give me this energy and this fuel to show up every day. And I just, I am so thankful and grateful for you. And if this is your last time or your first time here, anywhere in between, welcome or welcome back and thank you guys for supporting me. And as always, if the speech is too fast, slow it the down. But baby, mama's not changing because that's what I would tell you. Don't change who you are to make other people happy. And I won't be doing that either. All right, my babes without Further ado. Let's get right on into it, shall we? H, Friends. Okay. The reason I chose this as the hard truth three is because it's a hard truth, and it's a hard truth that I don't think a lot of people are really hearing. And that's okay, right? I definitely was somebody that I thought for a long time, I'm so ready. I'm so ready. I'm so ready. And really what I was ready for was to have my core beliefs proven wrong. But I don't actually know now that I'm in a healthy, insecure relationship. Woof. I wasn't ready for this for quite some time. And I also even noticed that, like, if I'll say certain things on a live or where I'll lose people on an episode is because, like, I'm giving the realities. And a lot of people want the Amazon world. They want everything quick and easy and fast. And those are the people that are not going to really see the progress, because progress does take time. And it's not about perfection, but it's about us growing and evolving. And I think that, you know, we are in a time where it's very different. And it's funny, I was thinking about a lot of people are talking about the JFK movie and saying, well, you know, he sent her roses every single day. And it's like, yeah, but you know what? That was also before cell phones. That was also before the world was different. That was also in a time when did get married young and that was a norm. Whereas now we're in a completely different world. And I don't necessarily think one is better or worse, but I think it's about us managing expectations. And you know what? I'll give you an example. Ryan has been tech guy. Sorry, who am I? Has been reminding me I'm trying so hard to make the show what it used to be that I'm not looking at what it's becoming. And I think that's. That kind of is the same thing about dating is we're trying so hard to make it what it used to be of, like, why men used to go to war and they're not even writing a text and all this. But we're not looking at what it is that right now we have different ways of showing up. That right now people are dating differently. And that doesn't make different wrong. That just means that we need to acclimate to where we're going. And like, you exist. I know other amazing people exist. I know that there is someone out there right now begging the universe or God or whatever you believe in for someone like you. And until you believe that, you're not going to see it, because the reality is, it might come in a different package. It might not look how you expect it to look. It might be so much better. And I can't wait for you to get to the other side to really realize that there was never anything wrong with you. You were just asking for from people that couldn't give it to you. So now let's talk about it, right? Let's talk about the validation trap. So there's a difference between dating for proof versus dating for partnership. So when you're dating for partnership, that looks like you're actually evaluating compatibility. Does this work for me? Right. And it's so interesting. I was watching somebody and she just kept saying, well, all I'm focused on is, does this work for me and am I choosing them? And she was like, oh, of course I choose them. But there is the other side of the coin that that person also does need to choose you. Right? Like, it's not. That's not why we're dating. But it is a mutual decision. And I think that is where sometimes the messaging can get lost. And, you know, maybe I'm going to add the nuance, but when you're really dating for partnership, you're building something together. You're growing alongside somebody. You want to be known, right? You're not just wanted for me and my relationship. I take great pride in the fact that me and Ryan are growing now again. We ever grow apart, okay, that's where the cookie crumbles, right? Like, if I start going one way and he goes another, that's just where the journey ends. But for now, what makes this such a beautiful partnership is we're both committed to the life that we both want to build together alongside each other and supporting each other. You know, like, not like my ex, who he would get really insecure and jealous when any time with my clothing line, wheresoftware.com, don't forget go and support, where everything's like $10 on there because I'm getting rid of shit. But he would get so jealous and insecure when I would get any kind of accolade. And now I have somebody who helps me to adjust the light onto me, not to make it on themselves. And that is, I think, what it's. I mean, it could be in. In a completely different context, right? Not everybody is growing a podcast in a social following, but I think wherever you are in life, it's about somebody that is genuinely open and interested in growing with you and not hoping that you'll become their life or that you'll event the life that they're living. Because then that, that to me is dating for validation, right? You're needing to be chosen in order to even feel okay. That was me with my first boyfriend. Not my first probably. No, no, no. My first. I don't know who I'm trying to kid. I was like, no, I'm going to give myself more credit. I don't deserve that credit. I, she wasn't healthy, but I genuinely thought like, if I have a boyfriend, that's it, that's all I need. I just need a boyfriend for me. Again, gender norms, it's so shocking to me. By the way, my ADHD is kicking in hard today. How many guys will be like, this is for men too, right? I'm like, I only use norms because that's my experience. But this love is love, baby. Love is love. And I believe everybody deserves love. I don't care your gender. I just thought if I have a good, a good looking person next to me, then I'm happy and that's it. Oh, man, I felt so alone. Not because there was anything wrong with him. Lovely guy. And don't worry, I'm gonna do an episode on that. You guys had asked on social at the Sabrina Zohar show. If you're not following. Already on Social, I posted a photo of me and him. I covered his face for privacy and I said this was a relationship I had that I just realized, like, I, we both loved each other, but we were just weren't right for each other. And so many of you guys asked like, wait, how you do that? How did you know? So I promise you an episode's coming. But that was me realizing I didn't just want to be chosen, I also want to choose. And this is when we see, like the dating for validation is like you lose interest once you have them. You're constantly needing the reassurance that they still want you. So let's get into an audience question because you guys know I love this and that's where you'll find it is on the social. How do I know whether I'm dating for love or validation? I want you to think of the last person you were really into and I want you to ask yourself, were you thinking about who they are or you thinking about whether they wanted you? If most of your mental energy went to do they like me, are they going to choose me? Are they going to leave me? What do they think of me? Then that's validation. If it went to do I like spending time with them? Do we want the same things? Do I feel good around them? Then that's an actual connection. And so the question isn't are they choosing me? The question is am I choosing them as well? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. The people that are chasing you really hard going after you, going after the chase. What do you think happens when they get you? They're interested in the chase because the chase is the whole point. They're interested in the validation. Can they get you? Can they win you? The second they're clearly gotten you? That's when something shifts. That's when the spark fades. That's when they become just less interested. And that's when you start to notice it. And what we want to look at is not somebody that is just interested in you because they can't have you, but somebody that is interested in you because you're also showing up in the same way. This episode is sponsored by Acorns. I know we all have a goal when it comes to our money, and most of the time we only talk about the money once we've made it. But I love Acorns because they help set you up on your way. For me personally, I'm trying to move my mom out to live closer to me. Which means your girl has to start making more money and saving more. Which is why I love Acorns. Because Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. So Acorns is easy. You sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money even if all you have is some spare change. The best part? Acorns grows with you. So whether you're just starting out or thinking about settling down, Acorn supports your big and small goals across every life stage, baby. Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus. Investment join the over 14 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com sabrina or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier 2 compensation provided potential subject who have various factors such as customer's account age and investment settings does not include Acorns. Fees slash results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosure@acorns.com Zohar, you didn't start
- [11:38]
Shopify Sponsor
a business just to keep the lights on. You're here to sell more today than yesterday. You're here to win. Lucky for you, Shopify built the best converting checkout on the planet. Like the just one tapping, ridiculously fast acting, sky high sales stacking champion of checkouts. That's the good stuff right there. So if your business is in it to win it, win with Shopify. Start your free trial today at shopify.com,
- [12:08]
Sabrina Zohar
and I know for a lot of people rejection does feel like a verdict, right? When somebody doesn't want you, it's just like, it's the worst feeling. It doesn't feel just like incompatibility. It feels like a judgment on your entire self worth. Like they saw the truth about you and walked away. Which truth be told, that was my Achilles heel. Even in my own career. I always say they're gonna find me out. And I'm like, find what out? Sabrina, wait, wait. You. You talk about it all like there's, there's nothing you're hiding. Everybody knows you slept your way through Manhattan and you're a hot mess, right? But I've always had this fear of if you get to know me, you're going to leave me. Because that's what I was taught, that when I was really myself, my dad would leave, so I had to be another version because I always believed that who I am was a problem. And so when you need constant proof, even in a relationship or you're scanning for evidence that they still want you, you have one day off and like that's it, you spiral. Then you're not in the relationship. At that point, you're auditioning for the relationship. And that's where we want to say but does fulfill you. Is it actually what you want? Is that what you need? Is that what you deserve? I don't think you deserve having to audition for it. So somebody had asked. My new boyfriend treats me like a princess, but I don't know if I have the ick or I think safety is scary. This kind of question kind of defines the entire episode because this is exactly what happens when you've been dating for validation your whole life and someone actually shows up. You don't know what the to do with it. It doesn't feel as exciting because there's nothing to chase. It doesn't feel like a win because there's no game and your brain says ick when what's actually happening is you've never been chosen. This Easily. And it's confronting everything you believe about your worth. So if you had to earn love your whole life, this free love is going to feel suspicious. So to me, the brutal question here is, do you also want them or do you want to be wanted by them? Because those are two very different things. That's why I always say, like, if you want to know the difference between am I liking the attention or just them? Do you enjoy conversation with them? Do you think that you could actually build a life with this person for who they are now? Of course, everybody can improve, right? Like the person that Ryan met when I first met him and vice versa. And the person, the people that we are now is not the same. And that would be concerning if it was. We've grown and evolved. You guys have been here for that journey, and I'm grateful for all of you, and I can't wait to keep going. But we want to look fundamentally or the. The. Is the foundation there, right? Can I build the house on this lot and start to. To decorate, or am I coming in where none of my needs are met and yet I'm still trying to build something that's just not there, there. How do you know if you're dating to be chosen? If the idea of them wanting you is more exciting than the reality of being with them? You're dating to be chosen. If you spend more time wondering what they think of you than noticing how you feel around them, you're dating to be chosen. If they're unavailability makes them more attractive, not less. You're dating to be chosen. And honestly, I'll never forget my mama asked me that when I first met Ryan. She did. She did. My mama clocked me, but she figured it out. She said, if he started treating you like, would you be more into him? I was like, no, you dumb. Yeah, I would. I would. You're probably right. I would. Because she'd asked me that before, and I was like, I could give a. If this person ever texts me again, I'd be happy, right? And you're just like. Or when I'm with somebody and you're like, man, I. I'd love to be home on the couch right now. Like, I would love to be anywhere but here. That's when you know you're just not into that person and you're just hoping. And I've gone on my fair share of dates where in hindsight and retrospect, I look back being like. Like, I am so grateful that that didn't work out. I've Never been more grateful for all the breakups that I went through because they taught me one, what I actually deserve, and two, to come back home to myself. I don't see any of my past relationships as a failure. I don't see any of these people that I used to date as a waste of my time. What I see them as is, how can I grow and evolve and learn from this? Because I'll tell you this, baby, I have never been more grateful. It didn't work out with those people because it led me to somebody where it actually does feel more right in my body to be with this person. And to me, that is what we' see seeking. That is the true safety. It's not just about, do I get butterflies in the spark. It's about can I see this the long run. And even if I can't, will I be okay? No matter what that is, the goal is that we're not going external. We're bringing it internal. And like I said, guys, if you need any support, like, you can totally like, people don't realize that you could work with me. We have courses. We have the going slow course or the found the Healthy Dating foundation course. We're creating new ones. We're creating a membership. Like, we've got tons of resources. If you're like, hey, I don't know how to do this, don't worry about it. And I'll be honest with you guys. I've looking for a new therapist. I've had six in the last two months. The first one told me that I intimidated her because I was so advanced that she didn't know what to do. And that was equally concerning. The second one was so all over the place. I My deep. I didn't know what the she was talking about. I didn't know where she was going. She would ask me questions that had nothing to do with what you're talking about. And then the ne. The last one, I had said like every other word and treated me like I was just her girlfriend and didn't actually challenge me and told me that. What made me believe that I could have successful. Yes, that. No, that's not normal to. For people to just have a growth and trajectory. So what made me believe that I would. And it she wasn't challenging me. She like genuinely asked me that. And the reason I share all of these stories is because, like, it makes total sense. If you haven't found someone that maybe makes you feel seen, heard and understood, please know that that's why I'm here. Even if it's just listening to the podcast. I, I don't need anything else from you. But I want you to know that these resources exist so that you can feel more alike at home in a place that feels more like home. If that doesn't, and if you found a good therapist. Yeah, don't let them go. It's like a good person, right? It's like, it's like a good employee. You're like, oh, God, don't ever let them leave. Okay, let's talk about the phases of how the validation cycle works, because I think this is important. So phase one is the pursuit. You're hooked, baby. They're not fully available. They're not completely sure, they're not all in. And that activates you because you're start to be charming and engaging and you're showing up fully. You need to win them over. It's like a challenge, right? Challenge accepted. I know that I used to show up as my best because I was like, I am going to win them. Then phase two, the win, right? They choose you, you. They're in, they're available, they want you. Ooh la la, hook, line, sinker. But then we go into phase three, the shift. Something changes. Maybe the intensity fades. They feel different now. It's not as exciting, it's not as attractive. You start noticing things that bother you. You wonder, did I make a mistake? Am I settling? And then we go into the next phase, the exit or the sabotage, the protection. You either leave and say like, there's no spark, right? I, I hear this every day that I got the text of like, I'm not feeling what I want to feel with someone this deep in, or I'm not feeling anymore and I don't know if we're compatible or you'll just create problems until they leave. And then you feel rejected again, which confirms you're unworthy. And the cycle starts to repeat itself. And now sometimes you could be on the receiving end of that too. That doesn't necessarily mean you are doing it, but I hope that you know the reason that this happened is because it was never about you. It was about what it made them feel. And that's why the chase and the this and the this and playing hard to get, play stupid games, win stupid prizes, baby. How can I compare what true love feels like and wanting to be chosen feels like? Okay, let's talk about what it feels like. Wanting to be chosen feels like adrenaline. It might feel super urgent. It's kind of like all consuming. It's all or nothing. You can't stop thinking about them. But notice you're not thinking about them, you're thinking about the outcome. Will they text me back? Are they pulling away? Do they still want me? That's adrenaline. That's not actually love. Love feels a lot quieter and calmer. Sometimes it could even be boring at first. There was a study done recently that pulled people that have been together for more than 10 years in a happy healthy marriage. And I think it's something of like 45% of them said that they did not feel a spark when they first met the person. Then another 40% said that they actually weren't even sure if they wanted to see that person again. And I think it was something of like 5% or 10%, something very small said that they felt these big high emotions and feelings and that that ended up panning out. And the reason I share that is because we're looking for these big emotions. But love isn't always a big emotion. It can't be. How can you sustain always feeling high? Because inevitably you do need to come down and balance out. That doesn't mean that this person's not good for you. That just means that we need to understand what true love actually looks like. That sometimes it could be boring. Especially if you're used to the adrenaline. Right? And maybe love is like I really enjoy being around this person. I, I, I can't, I can't fathom my life without this person in it wanting to be chosen as I need this person to prove something to me. One fills you up, the other empties you. Out.
- [20:22]
Acorns Sponsor
Out.
- [20:23]
Sabrina Zohar
And I've been there, my babes, I have had guys where I very clearly know that like this person's not for me. But I'm like no, no. I want to get them to like me because if they do and it's like you're so aware everything is about no, I want them. Are they going to text me back? Are they going to call me? Are they going to be interested? I remember one guy when I was supposed to do Shark Tank the first time he took me out to dinner the night before and it was the first time meeting and this guy was such a tool. I'm, I don't know how else to say it. He was so lame. He was just like had nothing going for him. Like he would do a bunch of react love reality shows cuz he's like well paid 2k so why not? I was like well you're a winner. And I, I made out with him. I would refuse to sleep with him. Cuz something in my gut told me like ah. And he was, you know, doing that. Like he was also like negging me, like putting me down and trying to make it as if like I should be lucky to be there with him. And I was like, bro, in what world? And I remember, next day, Shark Tank happens. I get sent home, I'm gutted. In the morning he texts me, break a leg. Did I da cool, right? Thinking everything's fine. That night I go home, I'm crying, I text him, he blocked me, blocked me. I, I, I was, I remember sitting there being like, what? But I like just, just talked to this person this morning. I just, all I had written back was like, thank you so much, I'll keep you posted. I'm bricks. But I, I have faith that things are going to go well. And that was how we left it off, right? There was nothing negative, there was no fighting. Blocked me on social, blocked my phone number. And I remember just being like, oh well okay, guess that's that. And hindsight now I'm like, girl, you didn't even like this guy. You just wanted him to choose you. You just wanted to reaffirm. Like no, see, somebody is going to like me even though I had nothing to do, like no interest in being with him. Let's get into a study, shall we? So there was a study done published in Psychological Inquiry, one of the most cited papers in self esteem research. So Kernis made a discovery that changed how psychologists understand confidence. There aren't just people with high self esteem and people with low self esteem. There are two types of high self Estee I love studies. Secure self esteem is stable across situations. So it's not dependent on achievements or approval. It doesn't require constant validation. It allows you to receive criticism without collapse. Fragile self esteem fluctuates based on external feedback. What, what are you talking about? Why, why are you saying Sabrina, is that you? I didn't, I didn't hear that. Was still working on it. It requires ongoing proof of worth, so it triggers defensiveness when threatened. It looks confident on the surface but is internally unstable. And here's the kicker. Someone with high self esteem can appear more confident than someone with secure self esteem, but they're actually more anxious, more defensive and worse in relationships. So if you need a relationship to prove you're worthy, your self esteem is fragile by definition. And no amount of being chosen will make it secure because that's an inside job. And that's why the wind never feels like enough. You know, as I always say, like it's an endless pit of needs. Like it's never just one text. It's never just, why haven't they said this? And what? Because then it's, well, why did they only text me once? And why didn't they say this? And why aren't they doing this? Because again, the wind never feels like enough. Because a validation is a leaky bucket. You get the proof you wanted, you feel worthy for a moment, but the feeling doesn't last. So you need more proof and more and more. Which is why I will continue to say it's not about them. It's about what this means about you. This episode is sponsored by Momentous. A lot of people talk about recovery and performance and energy. But you know what's really overlooked? The connection between our gut health and everything else. Because baby, if your gut is not dialed in, everything else struggles to work the way it should. And that is where Momentous Fiber plus comes in. In so Momentous Fiber plus addresses one of the most overlooked foundations of long term performance and that is gut health. Fiber is not just about digestion. It is truly a key driver of gut health which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recovery, focus, mood and overall performance, including even anxiety. Right? Sometimes fiber really is often the missing link. And that's why I love momentous fiber plus because it's a complete 3 in 1 formula with soluble fiber fiber, insoluble fiber and a prebiotic resistant starch. So this combination is designed to support gut health from start to finish. By feeding beneficial gut bacteria you are having improving digestion and help stabilize your blood sugar for steady energy without spikes and crashes. And baby, right now Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code Sabrina. Head to Live Momentous and use the promo code Sabrina for 35% off your first order. So again, livemomentous.com promo code Sabrina for up to 35 off your first order. Again, that's livemomentous.com promo Code Sabrina.
- [25:00]
Disney Plus Sponsor
Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney Plus. Let's go get ready for a new case.
- [25:04]
Sabrina Zohar
We're the greatest partners of all time. New friends, Gary the snake and your last name the Snake Dream team. New habitats.
- [25:11]
Acorns Sponsor
Zootopia has a secret reptile population.
- [25:14]
Disney Plus Sponsor
You can watch the record breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia gift too. Now available on Disney Plus. Rated PG. And right now you can get Disney plus and Hulu for just 4.99amonth for three months with a special limited time offer ends March 24th. After three months plan auto renews at 12.99amonth, terms apply.
- [25:30]
Sabrina Zohar
So let's go into another study baby. So it was to published in Psychological Bulletin. So the costly pursuit of self esteem. This is from 2004. They found that basing your self worth on external validation creates chronic self focus. So you're always monitoring how you're being perceived. It creates anxiety and pressure in relationship relationships and paradoxically it leads to lower well being over time. So the more you chase validation, the worse you feel. It's not because you're not getting enough, but because the chase itself is the problem. Because again, no amount of external validation will ever be enough. If you don't believe you're worthy on the inside, if you're trying to fill an internal void with external evidence, it will never work. Not because they're not giving you enough, but because you can't receive it. And that's where I go back on core beliefs. Go back to the episodes on core beliefs and all of those aspects and the inner work. It's never enough because it was never about them. It's the same. Honestly. You want a comparison? It's the same with my career right now. I could look and I could grow a million followers tomorrow and I'll go, but it's not enough. Cuz it wasn't about that. It's about me trying to prove that I'm enough to the person that always taught me I wasn't. That's my job. That's on me. In therapy I've always said I want to receive the flow and be able to welcome that, but also handle the EB because it's not just about when things are good. I'm happy. It needs to also be that when it's fucking raining, I got the right umbrella. So we had an audience going, question, do you want to be chosen by your partner? Well, I think it's a fair question. Yes, you want to be chosen. But there's a difference between wanting to be chosen as part of a mutual partnership and needing to be chosen to feel okay about yourself. Wanting to be chosen is healthy. Needing to be chosen to prove your worth, that's the trap. Because then you're not actually evaluating the relationship, you're just collecting evidence for your self esteem. And I've experienced this, whether it be with clients, whether it be with friends, whether it be myself of just constantly feeling like why is it not enough? Why is it not enough? Because it's not about that them. And so of course I, I right now I wouldn't be With Ryan if he wasn't choosing me as well? That wouldn't make any sense. Why would I be with someone just because I choose them? But this person has no interest in being in a relationship with me. I choose him and that's what matters. And it's like no girl, you choosing him is one part, but he also has to choose you. They also have to choose you. It's not just a one way, but we can't be only right one or the other. So let's talk about what this actually costs you. Because there's a price. Nothing in life is free. You might discard. I'll use that for argument's sake. Or get rid of people that are good because the person that was too available, too easy, too into you, it's not that they were boring. You couldn't tolerate being chosen without having to earn it. Their availability confronted something in you that you weren't ready to face. So you walked away from someone who actually wanted you because it didn't feel like enough of a win. Let that one sink in. If your core beliefs are I'm too much, I'm not good enough, no one's ever going to love me and I'm never going to find love, then how the are you going to receive it? When somebody comes to you without you having to earn it and says, I think you're amazing as you are and I'd like to give this to you. That's why we do this inner work. Not just so that we can avoid the red flags and run from those, but that so we can be able to receive the green flags and be able to identify when someone is actually good for us. I think a harsh reality too. Part of this harsh truth series is the absence of anxiety isn't the absence of attraction. It might just be the absence of the game. Right? You stay with the wrong person. The ones who are inconsistent and ambivalent, they're hard to pin down. They feel like a challenge, a worthy pursuit, a validation sorts that's actually worth something. But you're mistaking difficulty for value. You think, if someone is this hard to get, chooses me, me, I must be worthy. But baby, you've got it backwards. Their unavailability isn't raising your value, it's lowering your standards. Another study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology was a longitudinal study, so it followed 108 couples for a year. With daily diary reports. They found that 42% of couples where one person was higher in rejection sensitivity broke up within the year compared to only 15% where they weren't. But here's the part that should probably stop you. It wasn't that they were choosing the wrong partners. It was that their expectation of rejection led them to behave in ways that created rejection. So perhaps it was after conflict. The partners of the people in high rejection sensitivity reported more dissatisfaction and more thoughts about ending the relationship. Their rejection expectations became a self fulfilling prophecy. You're not seeing rejection because it's there. You're creating it because you expect it. And every time you scan for proof that they're pulling away, every time you try to test them, every time you try to read into the one word text, you're not protecting yourself. You're building the case for your own abandonment. Mint. That's why we have to say is it actually a threat or is this a self fulfilling prophecy? Because if I can reject them first, then they don't ever have to hurt me. So Price and colleagues at BYU found that this approval seeking leads directly to self silencing. Suppressing your real thoughts, feelings and needs to win someone else's favor. And there was another study. Analysis across 60 studies confirmed what you'd expect. Rejection sensitivity is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, higher conflict, more jealousy and more self silencing and a greater likelihood of intimate partner violence. Yikes, baby. You can't be known if you're not willing to show yourself. And then we which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Well, I don't want to show myself because I don't want to get rejected. But then I get rejected because I didn't show myself. And you're like, well that's a balance. And more often than not, that's what you're stuck on. You're not actually stuck on this person. You're stuck on the fact that the person you pretended to be still didn't get them. That you did everything you could and it still wasn't enough. And so then wait, what's wrong with me? Why was I not enough? But you were never yourself to begin with. If you were yourself, you would have walked away from this person. Cuz you would have realized that they weren't giving you what you deserve. You would have seen that, you would have taken up space. But when you don't, you can't be shocked when this person doesn't really know who you are. And then you're not chosen because you didn't choose yourself. How do you cope with not feeling chosen? Well, here's a reframe. What if the problem isn't that you're not being chosen. But what if the problem is that being chosen is the only thing that makes you feel okay? Because if that's true, no amount of being chosen will ever be enough. The goal isn't to be chosen. The goal is to. To not need to be chosen to feel worthy. And that's completely different. The part that nobody wants to hear is that if you're dating for validation, you're not emotionally available either. You're just performing availability while secretly running a test. You're showing up, but you're not really there. And that's why you can't be surprised when you don't actually get the person. Because you never showed the person who you really were and you didn't take up the space. Because here's the thing, if you take up the space, you might realize that they're not right for you either. If you're asking, do they want me? I need you to start asking, do I want them? It's not, am I enough for them? But are they right for me? Because, baby, the goal isn't to be chosen. The goal is to build something worth having. How to discern this answer for yourself? I'm sure you will address it, but I'm struggling to answer. Baby, the fact that you struggle to answer is actually the answer. Because if you can't tell whether you want them or whether you want to be wanted by them means that you haven't been asking yourself what it is that you want. What do you need? You've been so focused on whether they're choosing you that you forgot to ask if you're choosing them. So start there. Before the next date, before the next text, ask yourself, what do I actually want from this person? Not from their attention, but from them. And I get that, right? You guys would ask, like, how do I distinguish between liking someone versus liking the validation? You can't always know beforehand, but you can check in with yourself using the tool that I'm about to give you. And the biggest telltale sign is if they become fully available tomorrow, fully committed, fully in, would your interest go up or down? And I know some of you might be like, oh, it would go up, up. Be real with yourself. Because here's the thing. Would it really go up with the person that's not able to be emotionally available? That's not communicative, that's not opening up to you, that's not holding space for you, really? So your. Your interest would go up with that, or would you maybe get turned off? I'll give you the same question Mama said, what if I told you in three to six months that you were gonna meet the love of your life? Would you still be worried about this schmuck that can't show up for you? Or would you know that there's better out there and that you can't fucking wait to meet them? Catch yourself. When you're saying what you think they want to hear or you're downplaying your needs to seem, or you're testing themselves. Am I showing up as myself or who I think they'll choose? You gotta tolerate the discomfort of being chosen, because if someone wants you and your first instinct is to run or question it or lose interest, I need you to pause. I don't want you to trust that instinct. I want you to interrogate it. I want you to ask, am I actually, like, not interested or is being wanted this directly confronting something I haven't healed? Baby, worth is on the inside, and that's the hardest part. Like, it doesn't matter. No podcast episode, no relationship, no amount of being chosen will do this for you. You have to decide you're worthy before sight someone proves it. You have to believe you're enough without the external evidence. And then, only then can you actually receive love instead of just collecting proof. It changed everything for me. I had to learn to date from a place of I. I choose me. I love me. And if you don't, that's okay, too. It's the same way that I show up in my business. It's the same way I show up with you guys. And it's okay. I don't take personal offense to it. I might tell you to off if you're rude, but I think I'm allowed to stand up for myself in the same way you are. Let's get into our tool of the week, My babies, the validation check. All right, before every date or every important relationship, I want you to ask yourself these three questions. One, what am I hoping to get from this connection? Clarity, validation, proof they still want me. Name it, baby, and be honest. Two, am I showing up as myself or as a who I think they'll choose? Am I performing or am I being unapologetically me? Am I saying what I actually think or what I think they want to hear here? And then the third, if they fully chose me tomorrow, would I still want them, or would the chase be over because of how I feel? If your answer reveals you're performing or you're seeking approval or you want proof or you'd lose interest if you want, that's Data, right? You're not dating for love at that point. You're dating for validation. Until you name the cycle, baby, you're going to repeat it. And I know the hearth truths nobody wants to hear. Some of you might not actually be lonely because you can't find love. You're lonely because you can't receive it. Love shows up. And I, I know. This is why I say I had to be honest with myself, right? I kept going. I just can't find the right person. I can't find the right person. And sometimes, eventually I had to be like, no, girl, you've met a lot of really amazing people that if you had just fucking maybe chilled or allowed it to open up naturally or were more yourself, then real love probably would have showed up and I would have just called it boring and would have said there was no spark. And you leave before anyone can leave you. And I get that because I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for proof. And the proof is never enough. And so here's my invitation to you. Stop dating for validation. Stop treating relationships like auditions for worthiness, and stop needing to win someone to feel, okay, you're already enough. You always have been. You don't need to prove that to anyone. And when you finally believe it, when you stop needing relationships to be evidence of your worth, you'll finally be able to have one that's actually about love. And that's the goal, right? It's not about being chosen, but being able to receive it when you are. All right, my babies. That's the harsh truth for this week. I hope you loved it. Thank you for being here. Let me know whatever if there's other truths that you want or other series that you want. I love series. I love building on each other and creating a cohesion. And please don't forget to share this with a friend. Put it in your Facebook groups, let anybody know about the show, rate and review it. Leave a comment. Even if it's just a heart, it doesn't matter. You don't know how much it means. It helps us grow. And don't forget, when the book is out, pre order it. If you guys need anything, I am here. Everything will be in the link in show notes. If you want to work with me, ask a question, ad free, anything, or just be here. Thank you for being part of the community and thank you for creating a safe space for me to show up so that I can create a safe space for you too as well. I love you, babes. Until next time.
- [36:51]
Acorns Sponsor
With Vrbo's. Last minute deals, you can save over $50 on your spring getaway. So whether it's a mountainous gift city break or a week at the beach, there's still time to get great discounts. Book your next day now. Average savings $72.00 select homes only.