← The Sabrina Zohar Show
The Sabrina Zohar Show
198: Listen To This If You Lose Yourself In Relationships | In The Trenches
00:35:46
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So you're saying with Hilton honors I can use points for a three night stay anywhere? Anywhere. What about fancy places like the canopy in Paris? Yeah, Hilton Honors, baby. Or relaxing sanctuaries like the Conrad in Tulum? Hilton Honors, baby. Ooh, what about the five star Waldorf Astoria in the Maldives? Are you gonna do this for all 9,000 properties? When you want points that can take you anywhere, anytime it matters where you stay. Hilton for the stay, book your spring break now. El Salla Boys Breakfast meal Il Huntrix Meal de la telly K Pop Demon hunters and Jegadwa McDonald's. Los Tanja Mando la batalla for los fans. Eligio mil para ellejirto grupo and McDonald's. And McDonald's participantes hasta gotar existencias. When I started dating, my mama told me one thing that changed my entire life. You gotta love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. And for a long time I said, now what the fuck does that actually mean? And what it actually means is that you have to be okay to lose other people. If you're not okay with that, then what ends up happening is you lose yourself trying to keep these people in your life. And today, today we're going to help you to stop doing that. Because today is the first step. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, friends. Welcome back to another bonus episode. We're in the trenches together, y'. All. I'm so excited. And don't worry, babies, we listened, we heard you guys. A lot of you said you wanted shorter bite sized questions, not these long emails as often. So we're gonna start to mix it up because your feedback does really matter to us when it's appropriately communicated, right? Because that's the one thing I've been learning about the Internet is that not everybody talks in the same way. So I heard you guys and we're gonna get into it. And there was that common theme throughout every one of these questions is I'm scared of. I'm scared of losing the other person. It's like, but what? At what expense? Right? And so we're going to talk about all of that. And guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget, rate and review the show. Share it with a friend. It's the easiest and the free thing that you could do. And it helps more than you will ever know. Mark, this is finished. Listen to the whole thing if you can. It really helps. Us. And if you want to work one on one, you can ask a question, work one on one, join one of our courses. We got a free quiz right now on the website. What kind of lover are you? Or just be here. We do have ad free if you guys want that. Or you can skip right through them if it's that much of an issue. But regardless of it, choose your own adventure because we got options for you. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? I love being in the trenches with you guys and I genuinely try to take the feedback that you guys offer. I know a lot of you say I don't listen because the title, but I don't know if everyone knows that there's like five or six questions per episode. And so we kind of just come up with something for it to encompass everything that we're trying to talk about. But one thing that I learned on my healing journey was I thought I needed to isolate. And I was like, I just need my solo therapy and I need everything alone and I need it to be all about me, right? Like, oh, that podcast episode's not what I want it to be about. Then I'm not listening. And what I realized was I was making everything so self focused that I wasn't actually looking at other lived experiences, other perspective, other situations that happened to go, oh, that could explain why that person acted like that to me. Because, listen, this person's going through that. And so that's why I think community and being part of this and reading these questions is so helpful. Even if it's not exactly what you're going through, it can still help in some way because it might unlock something that we see in someone else that maybe we just didn't see in ourselves. So I hope you guys love them. And I'm just, I'm excited. I'm excited about what's to come. We're in spring now, right? Like, what a crazy time. Little life, updates about me. Not much happening over here besides me trying to work through my own core beliefs. And also to remember that there are people out there that just aren't going to be your people. And whether that be like, it's funny. I made a video. By the time this comes out, this is, you know, this video is long gone on the Internet. But it was all about run. If somebody does this and it's a very specific behavior. And the people that were defending the behavior were the people going, well, I've been single for 10 years and the advice you're giving is so myop topic. And it's like, wait, wait, you just said the magic word. I've been single for 10 years. Because you're excusing shitty behavior. Because you're saying, well, not everyone's perfect and this isn't the end of the world. And it's like, because you don't want to see how this type of behavior, how someone that discredits you, someone that doesn't take accountability, someone that doesn't take ownership, how that can mount over time, and that then starts to show us how that person shows up for us. Because then we can't be shocked when we're six months in, a year, in 10 years in, and you're like, I don't get it. This person doesn't validate my emotions. They don't validate my feelings. They don't take accountability for anything. It's like, we have to look at these things early on. And so I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to actually get you into the relationship you deserve. And so I hope that you guys know a lot of this stuff comes from a place of love and a lot of experience, whether that be personal or professional. So let's get into some questions, shall we? Hey, Sab. I just got out of a situationship where the guy was so emotionally available over text. If you're watching this, you just saw my face drop. I'm talking deep conversations. Why though? Sorry, first time reading these, you know you're gonna get my initial reaction and my ADHD brain vulnerability. Telling me things he'd never told anyone. It felt like real intimacy. But when it came to actual plans, prioritizing me or moving things around, nothing. I kept holding on to the emotional connection because it felt so rare. How do you tell the difference between someone who is genuinely connected with you and someone who is just using you as a distraction? It's a valid question. And so this is why this episode is so heavily revolved around, am I losing myself? Am I self abandoning? Am I over performing? Am I not actually looking at what is being presented to me? Because what's happening here is exactly why I say, stop focusing so much on text messages. It takes 10 seconds for someone to send you a text, right? That's the verbiage I hear all the time. But look at this, right? Look at this example. This person texts you every day. You, deep, vulnerable conversations. This person's always constantly calling you. But where the are they when you need them? Where is this person when you say, I'd like to see you. Where is this person? When you say, I need you, I have. I'm hurting, or I have something that I need your help with. Where is this person? Because it's so, so easy to be able to text somebody all day, but where are they showing up? Attention versus intention are two separate things. Attention is, I want to text you, I want to call you, because it satisfies my need in the moment. Intention is, I'm going to be very specific with the communication that I have with you, but that's because I want to be intentional about the time that we also spend together so that we're not creating false senses of intimacy. And I'm getting to know you for who you are. Because my next question to Q would be, let me ask you this. How deep are the conversations via text? Text has no tone. Text has no tonality. It has no facial expressions. It has no body language. And I get it, right, because we create this fantasy version of somebody. So how do you know somebody is using you as a distraction? Is because they're not actually prioritizing you in their life, so they're using you for what benefits them. A friend of mine has a friend that's going through this right now, and she's been texting this guy, and it's like, morning and night, and they're texting all the time, and he's never calling her by her first name. And it's like, yeah, he openly admitted to another friend that he calls girls babe because he doesn't want to forget who he's texting because he doesn't remember half their names. And, like, I know that we're looking at this being like, what an. It's like. But she's. She's still engaging in it. She's still texting him. And he makes all these plans, never follows through with them. He made, like, six plans in a row, never followed through. But he keeps texting her and making all these future plans. And so she's holding on to hope. Why? Why do we hold on to hope? Because holding on to hope allows us to avoid the reality of where we actually are. Hope releases dopamine, and hope allows our brain to say, if I maybe do this, if I change the way I am, if I do this, it's a fantasy. And growing up, that fantasy kept you saf. Because we would internalize. If I act different, then maybe my caregiver would show up differently. That never happens. And the reason that doesn't happen is because that's not how humans work. Unfortunately, you could Try everything. You can change the way that you show up no matter what, but we can't control how somebody else is going to internalize that or project or perceive. Someone that's intentional with you is also going to be intentional about the time that they make with you and how they make you feel. Because somebody that cares about you, cares about their impact on you. So if you tell them I'm really upset I haven't seen you in three weeks and I'd love to see you, they're going to validate that experience and say, thank you for letting me know. That makes so much sense. I can understand why you would feel like that. What do you need from me? A plan. Great, let's do that. I'd love to see you. That's somebody intentional because they care about their impact on you. Somebody that is just using you as a distraction cares about how your impact on them matters more than how anything matters to you. And that's a really important distinction for us to be able to understand. Intention versus intention. A lot of people like attention. It's the Internet, right? We see this loneliness epidemic and all these people are struggling and struggling and it's like, yeah, because you're stuck on your phone, right? I even saw some the other day was a neuroscientist being like, maybe you're not ADHD, maybe you're just doom scrolling on your phone for 12 hours. You haven't picked your head up. You don't know how to communicate with people. In real life, your attention span is that of a pigeon because you're connected to your phone more than you're connected to people. And then of course you're going to feel anxious all the time. And because you're used to immediacy and a dopamine hit that comes within seconds, but you're not used to real life disappointment. Connecting with people, Eye contact, tonality, language, body language. There's so much more to a relationship than your tablet and phone. And you guys know I will scream this on the rooftop. But you know, the other reality is too, for all the people that say, like, I'm tired of hearing you talk about texting, we have new people coming in every day, new people that are asking these questions. And I think it's important to remind ourselves that it's not the end all, be all. But that's why intention versus attention matters really a ton. Because you could say, well, they never text me, but they also don't call, they don't tech, they don't FaceTime me, they don't make plans. It's like, then they're not intentional. It doesn't matter how much attention you're getting from them, they're not intentional. And I think that's a really important differentiation to make. This episode is sponsored by I Am eight Guys. If you're like me looking for something that's easy to stick with that actually makes you feel better, this might be it. I didn't realize how important im8 was until I forgot a couple of days we were traveling, I forgot the packs at home and the next thing I know I was like, man, my energy dropped. My focus was gone. It reminded me how much this stuff has been helping and keeping it together for me. And honestly, it makes sense when you actually look at what's in it. IMH's daily Ultimate Essentials drink brings together 92 really high quality nutrients, things like vitamins, minerals, adaptogens and all those good gut supporting pre, pro and postbiotics plus clinical doses of CoQ10 and MSM. It's doing a lot of the heavy lifting baby. Behind the scenes. And what's wild is it actually replaces 16 different supplements. It gives you what you need when you need it baby. Give your body what it deserves. With iM8, go to im8health.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina for a week free welcome kit five free travel sachets plus 10 off your order. Seriously baby, this is one of those offers you'll wish you had jumped on sooner. That's im8health.com Sabrina and use code Sabrina for a free welcome kit five free travel sachets plus 10 off your order. Again, imate health.com Sabrina and the code is Sabrina. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or Prevent any disease.
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Let's get to another question. I've been talking to a guy. We've only met up twice and chemistry was great. Okay, chemistry doesn't mean compatibility. My babies. He was super attentive and text a lot. Okay, I've seen a theme in today's questions. I love you guys. He even would respond when he was busy and say, hey, I'll message you when I'm done. That has cooled down a bit. We still do talk pretty much every day. But he doesn't seem interested in seeing me again. He hasn't asked to see me. I have asked him and he hasn't gotten a response. I find it weird that he communicates with me so much but doesn't want to meet me. What do you think about this? Can he really be interested if he's not making any attempts to see me? Thanks, E. I will scream this from the rooftops. Somebody texting you every day does not mean that they want a relationship with you. And this is the prime example. This person is not actually showing up for you. And this is where we have to stop and say, what is it that you want? We're so consumed with, do they like me? And do they choose me and do they want to see me? But when have we stopped to go, does this work for me? Because if we stop to say, does this work for me? You might say no. And then what happens when you say no? You have to do something about it because now you've seen too much. You can't just go back. I mean, you can, you can totally go back and just be like blissfully unaware, but once you've seen it, it's hard to unsee it. So at the end of the day, the question needs to be less about do they want to see me again and do I even want to see them again? Based on how they're showing up for me at this moment, and based on this, my answer would be no. A non negotiable that changed my dating life was if I have to text you to remind you that you exist, then that is the end of this dynamic. Because somebody that genuinely cares about you is going to prioritize you, remember you, and when they're intentional about you, you don't need to remind them that you're there for them to remember to throw you a morsel of a crumb and a breadcrumb to give you even the time of day. Because I want you to get really turned off from people that are not showing up for you. Dry up when they give you low effort. That's what we need to start to accomplish here. We have got to start choosing ourselves and saying, I am no longer going to remind someone that I exist. Mantras that changed everything for me. I'm not going to remind people that I exist. I'm not going to beg you for your Attention. I'm not going to plead to have you go out on a date with me because if I have to remind you that I exist, then what the is going to happen? After this date, I'm gonna have to keep performing and keep being in this mode of childhood dynamics just playing all over again. And it could be very subconscious. Maybe in school you were the straight A student and if you didn't get straight A's, your parents would get mad at you. Right? It doesn't have to be these grandiose big t TR but what we want to look at is, is this person actually making time for me. And again, I've had that. I have a friend that I text like three times in a row at this point. And they kept saying, I'm traveling right now. I'm so sorry. I've been a moving target. I promise when I get back next week, I'll text you. Two months went by, didn't hear from them. And so I was like, okay, I'll. I'll try again. And I text, I'm so sorry. I'm away again. I promise, I promise when I get back, I'll text you haven't heard from them and it's been three weeks and I finally had to say, you know what's ab it's enough, it's enough. And again, here's the thing. But do you notice how I said it's enough? I didn't attach a narrative. They don't like me. They don't think I'm cool enough. I didn't attach any narrative to the situation. What I said was, this doesn't work for me and that's okay. I could just remove myself. I don't have to send them this mean text. I don't have to make this declaration of I'm leaving and you. I just took my dignity back because I realized that that's all I had control over. I can't control other people. I can't control if they contact me or not. But you know what? I can control how long I allow that for. Whoever told you healthy and secure relationships are easy and that they should just happen was lying to you. Healthy and secure relationships take two people every day that are making a conscious choice to choose each other, to show up and have heart vulnerable conversations, to make time for each other, to prioritize each other in each other's lives and themselves. That's what makes a healthy and secure relationship. And above all, what makes a healthy and secure relationship is that both people know it can end at any time. Because you're two consenting adults choosing each other. So instead of us focusing on low effort bullshit like, are they texting me? Maybe we can look at the bigger picture here of does this person have the bandwidth to be in the healthy and secure relationship that I actually deserve? A lot of these questions kind of show me the issues is that we think that, oh, if I just, if I just sit pretty and wait, it's like, no, you are allowed to gain clarity. If you asking somebody for clarity pushes them away, then good, you did yourself the favor. What are you sad about losing? A person who can't handle a direct conversation, a person who can't just hold space for somebody else's emotions, and a person who can't take accountability for the fact that they're showing up because that person benefited from the fact that you weren't speaking up. So maybe now we can use your voice and start to weed out the people that are wasting your time. I remember, I was thinking back yesterday, I used to write into this show. I'm not going to say which one because I really. Very healthy actually, but this was where I was. And I remember writing into the guest or to the host and saying, I'm so confused. Pretty much this of like, they text me every day, but they're not showing up. And like, but they say they really like me. And I remember the guy writing back saying, it makes me really sad that you think that this is somebody that's showing you interest because that person's playing you. And I remember being like, what? Fuck this person? No, they text me every day. And I was like, oh, he's right, he's right. I was, I was gaslighting myself to say that this was enough for me. One of the hardest things for me in my healing journey was acknowledging that something didn't work for me. Because like I said earlier, when you acknowledge that something doesn't work for you, you now have seen it. And once you've seen it, you've gotta make a choice. And you might not like that, that you're like, I'm not making a choice to do this. Yes, that is, is once you acknowledge it, you're making a conscious choice to not act on it. And if you're making a conscious choice to not act on it, that's a choice. You see what I'm saying could be a subconscious choice, but you're choosing to say, I'm not going to do anything about that. I'm just going to keep waiting. And it's funny, on Jay Shetty's episode, I give the dating questions I had, and somebody said, I would never ask those because then they run away. And I said, great, so then they're doing you a favor. And she said, but not everybody's aware that they're not open for a relationship. I said, but again. So why are you excusing it? I'm like, so you're excusing their behavior so that you could be the one that's too much, so that you can play small instead of holding them accountable? Because I know as a child, holding them accountable was not an option, but you're not a kid anymore. You're allowed to say that. That doesn't work for me. Right? Relationships aren't perfect, but it's two people that are showing up for each other, not one person doing all the work, hoping that the other one's going to see them. Them. That was hard for me because I. I never once I acknowledged it. Like, if I told my mom, like, this isn't working for me, she would smile and she'd be like, all right, now what? And I knew what she meant, because I was like, now what is the question? Right? What. What are my choices? And I didn't like to do that because it actually was a lot more power than I was ready to hold. It was scary. And he said, I hold space for that. I think that's really valid if that's where you are. But I don't think you should keep kidding yourself. Let's see, what else do we got here? All right. Hello. I kept coming up with this question. You said in your podcast that Ryan knew you weren't afraid to lose him. And really hot. What if I am afraid to lose people? I want to be chosen by someone. Can you have true intimacy if you never let yourself have that fear? Because getting close does mean getting attached, which means losing them is scary. You said that we should show up authentically. So how do I show up as someone who isn't afraid of rejection when I am without it being fake? So then what my question would be is, are you doing the work? And your answer could be, absolutely. Then what have you come up with? Because if your response is, I'm scared of losing them, then. But you're more scared of losing them than you are of losing yourself. Because the reality is, what you're saying is true intimacy means we'll get attached. It's like, so we're already creating this narrative before it's happened, which means I'm going to get attached to them, and then I'm not going to be able to be without them. But I don't want you to attach to people. I want you to connect with people. I'm not talking the biological attachment that happens, like oxytocin and things like that. I'm talking about the. The psychological component of this, that when I met Ryan, I thought he's a lovely person and I really liked him and I had a really good time. But if he doesn't call me, that doesn't mean that that means anything about my worth. If that person doesn't reciprocate, I don't need to create a narrative about what that means about me. That's dating with detachment. Dating with detachment doesn't mean you don't care. Dating with detachment doesn't mean that you just don't give a fuck about anybody. What it means is that you're saying, I like this person, but I love me. And I'm not waiting for them to validate me. I'm going to validate myself. And if this works, great. And if it doesn't, I will move on because I know that there are other people out there. When you date with detachment, you're detaching from the outcome. And that's how we dispel the fear. Because if you're telling me I'm scared of losing people, what are you so scared of losing? Because that sounds like a childhood core belief of people always leave me. And so let me. Let's trail the thought. What happens if they leave? Do this exercise with yourself. Okay. So they leave. I'm alone. Wasn't I before then? Wasn't it before this met this person? Well, what if I never meet anybody? Oh, okay. So we're what ifing now? So now we're going into the future projection. So we're allowing fear to drive the car. That's like me saying I'm scared if I get into a car, I'll get into an accident.
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Accident.
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Oh, okay. So automatically so you're just never going to get into a car. So that every time you go into a car, that's what that means, is you're going to get into an act. God forbid, right? I hope not. And so I think what we need to see here is if you're afraid to lose people, I need to understand from that little who they're afraid of losing. What do they think happens? What does it mean about us when we do lose somebody? What's the narrative and story that we create? And please know I send you the biggest hug. And when I say that I think that's really human and really raw and vulnerable and real to admit. Admit I'm scared. I really like this person. But then we have to look and say, wow, I'm putting them on a pedestal. Wow, I'm projecting onto them I don't know this person. And that's why even to this day, Ryan and I talk about it all the time of like, I love you and if this goes on, yay, we're going to continue. And if not, that's okay too. That doesn't mean we're still not planning for the future. But you know that planning for the future also means something could happen. I could walk outside and get hit by a car right now and that's it. KO oh, good luck planning that future. And so it's not about being like dark and thinking that everything's gonna end, but it's also about knowing I've lost a lot in my life. And when I held on to those things, I don't even know if I've really gotten that vulnerable with you guys about Shark Tank. Some of you, maybe I have. But when I was supposed to be on Shark Tank, that was my life. Everything was put onto that. I put so much pressure of like, this is gonna save me. This is gonna make me happy. This is gonna give me everything. The money, the financial security, the freedom. Freedom. The validation. People will see me finally. And I'm on set and I'm prepping. I mean, we're talking nine months of me having to be quiet and pretend and, and I get sent home and I wanted to take, I wanted to. I had dark thoughts that night. We'll just say that. And so when that happened, that's when I had to. And then I lost Clem a month later. Like, that's when I had to realize when I hold on to external things, saying I can't live without them, well, then I'm, I'm self abandoning myself. Because I'm saying I'm not there for you. That needs to be there for you. Other things need to be there for you, because I'm not. And I learned very quickly in that moment, I've lost a lot of people. I've had people in and out. I've had friends and relationships. I've lost family members. Like I've lost people in my life. And when we're so afraid of losing other people, we've already lost ourselves. Because then I will conform. I'll change who I am because we have to learn how to grieve. And that's, I think, something that speaks really largely about the. What's happening kind of in the times right now. Right. My momo always says it's a sign of the times that we're. We've never really been taught how to be disappointed. It's okay that it doesn't work out. You're allowed to. To lose this person that doesn't mean anything about you. That's fair. Who's teaching that? It's not a class in college, and by then it's probably too late. It's not a class in elementary school. We're just always. Everything is best friends for life. Bff, right? You're the only one. The one. But maybe they're the one for now. But that doesn't mean that they have to be the one forever. And maybe you're the one forever. Maybe you're the one that has your back. Maybe you're the one that can be there for you and not everybody else. Because at the end of the day, that's who I'm going with. It's just me. And so I'm not saying don't have beautiful relationships. Please do go out there and love hard and fully, but also know it's okay if it ends. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That's life, baby. Even with my career right now, this could end at any minute, right? Like, I'm not stupid enough to think that this is forever. It's like, I could say stupid and people hate me. I could have said. Or I could keep growing. Do you know what? Doesn't matter. Any of that. I'm not attached to that. What I'm focused on is I'm here today, and this is all I have. So I'm going to give it my all. And you know what it is? At the end of the day, I trust myself that no matter what, I'll be okay. Because I will have my back. Even if it does end, even if I do lose those people or lose everything, I will have me. Because I've lost before and I've rebuilt. Don't forget that you're not here accidentally. You're here for a reason. You're exactly where you need to be. And maybe that's to realize that you've been who you needed this whole time, that you're going to save you. You. Because even if you lose these people, at least you have yourself. And I think that's really beautiful. This episode is sponsored by Green Chef. Oh, man. I remember living in New York, and I didn't know what trend to Follow. Was it Paleo? Was it keto? Was it cut this out, cut that out. And I just honestly wanted to give up. I didn't want these quick fixes. I wanted something that I could actually be able to stick to. And that's why I love Green Chef because they deliver real food and recipes that make healthy eating being easy and lasting. So with Green Chef every week you get over 40 recipes made with organic produce, responsibly sourced proteins and nothing you can't pronounce. Baby pick what matters to you, whether that be Mediterranean high protein or their new longevity line built around brain and gut health. Meals come pre portioned and ready in minutes. And if you want guidance beyond the plate babe, they also include free unlimited one on one nutrition coaching that actually helps you stay on track. Head to greenchef.com 50sABrina and use code 50sABrina to get 50% off your first month. Then 20% off for two months again. That's code 50sABrinaChef.com 50sABrina this episode is
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All right my friends, let's get to a profile. All right. Hey Sab and Ryan. All right, so I have Ryan's notes under this. So I have no freaking clue how to make a decent profile. I think I like to think I am very outgoing, fun, grounded, emotionally intelligent, financially secure, resourceful, caring and handy. I live in a small mining based city, approximately 150000 people and it seems like everybody either knows everybody or at least know of others kind of thing. I know I'm no Chad, but I'm surprised at the lack of interest in me. I definitely do better in person. However, I don't get the opportunity to have much interactions with single women between 30 and 40. I do lots of outdoor activities as well as hot yoga daily at one of the local yoga centers. Anyways, I would love some adventures advice. Also this just came to me. If I ever show a profile of somebody that you're interested in, message us and let us know. Maybe we could play matchmaker, right? Like if you're like oh my God, I think Andrew's so handsome and I'M like I'm an hour away. I'd love to meet him. Let me play. Let me at least connect, right? And here's the thing. Detach from the outcome. It doesn't mean it's going to work. It doesn't mean that this is the make cute. It doesn't meet cute. It doesn't mean that, like this is going to be the Hallmark movie. But maybe, I don't know. I just thought that would be cute. Cute. Okay, so first photo. Oh, Andrew, you're so cute. All right. My bio. Andrew here. Hey, we know. Thanks for reminding us. I love you. I live a full grounded life. Emotionally aware, financially stable and intentional with my time. I prioritize health, growth and meaningful connection. Big fan of the outdoors, movement, new experiences. My life is good. I'm looking for someone who adds to it, not completes it. I love that. All right. All of the about you. And then we have. Okay. Okay. That's a photo. Photo. You look a little mad at me. I'm not gonna lie, Andrew. I'm a real nerd about personal growth. Okay. Okay. Photo of the dog. Selfie. And then one of you outside. Okay, so profile's gone. Name me three things you remember about Andrew. And he thinks that's it. It's not memorable. So here, as Ryan notes what's working. Emotionally aware and intentional signals maturity and stability. Adds to it, not completes it. Love it. Solid boundary and clear values around health, growth, connection. You're not hiding of lots. Love it. But the issue, it's abstract to the point of invisibility. That was the first thing that Ryan said. This could describe thousands of people, right? It's nothing here that makes me go, oh, my God, I have to get to know Andrew. He like. I remember seeing Ryan's profile and he had a photo. He had some cute photos. We had one of him grand dancing with his grandmother. And I remember just laughing at that. Then you had one of him being super goofy, like jumping in the air, doing like the Dorothy click with his heels with his friend on the top of a mountain. And I remember just thinking, like, he's goofy, right? Like there's something special about this person. We want to see your personality, right? Like, I think that's it. Like you said better in person. It's like because the there's more people are able to see you're a more nuanced creature. Creature. You know what I'm saying? Human, but you know what I'm saying? You list trace non experiences. Tinder brains don't bend to objectives or Bond to objectives. It's true. We have to remember the like where people. It's like, oh, you outdoors, you can't. It's like next, what makes you unique, right? Like what makes you fun, special, like quirky, whatever it is. So instead of emotionally aware, intentional and grounded, maybe say like, how. What is. How does it look on a random Tuesday for you? What do you actually do? Right? Like right now, this is what Ryan said. It reads like a LinkedIn summary for good humans series A edition. There's no flirtation and I think, like, there's no humor, there's no edge. There's. That's what I'm missing. I'm missing more about you. I think you're looking for that emotional readiness, but it looks like you're more evaluating for that versus dating and getting to know people. I would say replace the two to three adjectives with concrete behavior. Like, where do you go? What do you do? Like, what do you love to do with somebody? Like, for me, let's get on the my, my profile. Let's get on the same page about eating dinner to get to dessert and that snacks are always a must, right? What's in your bag? I did that specific because I had something growth minded. Then I had that. Then I had new from New York. Go easy on me. Like, I had things to showcase parts of. Oh, wait, you're from New York. Okay, so you must talk faster, curse a lot, right? Oh, that explains the tattoos. Like you're from the east coast or you eat dinner, get to dessert. Like, whoa, whoa, what's our. What's our dessert? Like, let's make sure we're on the same page about what snacks do you have in your bag. It sounds minute, but that was me, right? Like if you, you don't want to see my purse. Okay. You don't want to see my snack cabinet. It's kind of of concerning. But I, what I think about that is like, you know, even here I'm a real nerd about personal growth. There's no conversation fodder. What does that mean? Like, oh, have you been in therapy? Trauma dumping, right? We go right in for the depth of like, maybe it's. I'm a huge fan of personal growth. Here are three of my favorite books. Or I listen to the Sabrina Zohar show, right? I listen to this podcast religiously. And my favorite thing I've learned about is this terminology. Have you heard of it? I don't know, but give me something, right? Why is it important? Why are you trying to convey this what is it? Let's think about the person receiving it. And that's like a lot of this content I create is. I try to think of like who was the version of me that needed this. That's what I'm seeing. So what I want you to say is who is the partner I'm trying to reach? When they read this, are they going to know that I've been trying to reach them? Are they going to feel comfortable and confident knowing that he is looking for, he's been looking for me. That's what I want you to see. And I would say the photos we need to get maybe another couple because we have a lot of selfies. We have the first one selfie, the second one selfie. The third one is you rock climbing, can't see you. Fourth one, you and the dog on a mountain. Love it but can't see you. Then it's one of a selfie and then I like the one from far. But maybe you can ask your friend to go out to lunch and just snap a photo of you while you're eating. Right. All of them are with hat and a beanie or. Yeah, hat, beanie and hat and beanie and a hood. I need to see a little bit more. I just want to know who is Andrew outside of just taking a selfie? Taking a selfie on a mountain and climbing. I know you're really outdoorsy. That's all I see. That's all I know about you. And so I would be curious, what else is there about you? Do you play pickleball? Do you like playing on the floor with your dog? Maybe it's just you and your dog smiling and your friend takes a photo of you while you're looking at it. I just want to see more playfulness and I'd like to see more about you because I think we're seeing a pattern. You said it. I'm not getting the dates that I'd like or I'm not connecting with people. And I think it's because what are they connecting on? What are they connecting on? Just like a vague profile. And I think there's so much more to you that makes you unique and special and fun and human and I'd like to see all that. And so that's the big thing when we're talking profiles. Two things. One, show me who you are. But second, don't self identify or like I'm looking for someone growth minded and into this and this and this. And it's like most people like if I see on a profile One more time. Like I'm looking for someone secure. It's like no, people don't know what the that means. Everybody thinks they're secure. Most people believe that they're secure. Terrible at self identification. So we're not listing off. This isn't a job interview where you're like, I'm looking for all of these qualifications and qualities in a, in a person. What we're doing is we're saying here's what I need in order to feel fulfilled in this relationship or here's what I'm looking for and specifics. Right? I'm looking for somebody growth minded who loves to have challenging conversations but can also laugh at each other and talk. You know, sarcasm, ism. I don't know. I talk about throwing things out there but I want to know a little bit more about specifics that would make you feel comfortable being in this relationship and feeling like or in this dynamic or comfortable dating this person or just a little bit more. I think that's really what's missing here is just a little bit more about who you are. All right, friends, we did this quickly. We did some. I wanted to do three quick questions and a profile because I wanted to just make this a little different and I'm curious. Let me know what you think. Do you like the shorter questions? Do you want the longer stories? Do you like the text messages back and forth? What do you guys need from me? And I want to make sure I'm meeting you there now if you're going to tell me. Sab, I'm tired of hearing about the texting. My answer back to you might be I know, but other people aren't. And so there's that one reality. But I'm here, I'm open. Write it in the comments, give me some episode ideas, send it into inthetrenches@sabrina zohar.com this episode is only as good as the course questions that we receive. I can't do anything beyond that. So let me know what I can do to help you guys. I am here for you. I love you. Please don't forget rate and review the show, share it with a friend, send it to everyone you know, put in the Facebook groups, send it to assemble the group chat and just know, guys, I'll be on my book tour soon. I get to meet you guys in real life. I haven't announced any city so don't worry, you didn't miss anything. But I'm just so grateful and excited to connect with you guys in person and hug and celebrate some different wins. So thank you guys for being here and thank you for believing in me and thank you for sticking to the end because it really means a lot. I love you guys. And until next time,