← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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We hear the buzzwords, do the work and invest in yourself and love yourself, but nobody tells you what the fuck that actually means or looks like. And I want to talk about the stuff that no one warns you about when you start doing the work and actually growing. Because the truth is, the best year of your life can also be one of the fucking hardest. And nobody talks about that. Everyone talks about the glow up, everyone talks about the wins, but nobody talks about what it costs you to get there. So that's what we're going to talk about today. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. You might be asking Sab, welcome. Why are you so glistened? Cause it's my motherfucking birthday episode. Yes, that's right. Your girl is turning 36 now. You're gonna probably listen to this after and you're gonna be like, all right, happy belated birthday. But doesn't change anything. And I really wanted to talk about the. What the cost of growth and healing looks like, because we can look at people on the outside and think they have the life and they have everything I want, but we don't know what actually looks like on the inside. And I wanna normalize your experience and your journey because you see the highlight reel, but you don't really see the bloopers of most people. So today we're going to talk about that. Guys, as always, thank you for being here. We get to celebrate. Please don't forget, please, please, please leave a comment, a rating, a review, put it in your Facebook groups, Share these episodes with your friend. That is literally all we ask for. If you guys need anything, you can work one on one. Join one of our courses. We've got two incredible courses and coming out with more, you can ask a question. Everything's in the link in show notes. Or you could support the show by doing ad free. I know some of you guys might say I don't really care about the ads, but it even just helps support us to. To kind of keep things going. And it's like, buy me a coffee every month. But you don't need to do that. You don't need to buy me a coffee. I'm good. I drink matcha anyways. But thank you guys for the support. Or just support our sponsors. Like, they help us keep the show free and keep it accessible, so. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we, guys? I can't believe it. It's my. It's my birthday. And every year I like to really have an honest conversation with you guys because the last couple of years have been really tough. Not because, oh, woe is me. And I hope that everybody finds that I'm a victim, because it's the reality. And every birthday, I take time to have stock and inventory on where I've been, where I want to go, what are the milestones I've hit? Can I show some appreciation? Can I also mourn some things? And I think that's incredibly important because we hear so often, like, your life can change in a year. And that is not an understatement. But what. At what cost? At what cost? And that's, I think, what's really important that I really want to hit on today. Now, guys, I just want a quick shout out to handover for my amazing outfit. They sent it to me for my birthday and I'm so grateful. Isn't this so fun? So shout out to them and thank you to Kosas for my makeup. I just got such a treat for my birthday and I really want to say thank you to the people and the brand and the audience and the community that believe in me. Because I wouldn't be here without you guys. And I know I might say that at nauseum and I might say, like, can we please create a community? But in full transparency, the reason I'm trying to create this community is because I need it too. I didn't realize I was going to cry within the first three minutes of this episode, but here we go. Um, I need you guys. I need a community. I need a safe place, too. And so I'm not just creating this because I'm bored at home and I have nothing else. It's because I never had that. I never had a place where I felt like myself. I never had a place where I could be authentically me and be accepted because it was always, water yourself down, Sabrina. You're too much. You're too needy. You're too this. And I'm so tired of that narrative. Because who you are is perfect as you are. Can we grow and evolve absolute, lutely. That is the point of life. We are a forever student. But who you are today matters. And who you are today is loved by someone out there. So please don't forget. And if that person is me, then I send you the biggest hug. Because we need more people like you around. We need your light. So please don't dim it for other people who can't be there to Support you in the ways that you need. I know I could be a broken record. I know that I might say often, like, you know, I curse and I speak fast and this is who I am. And it's like. But I do that for a very specific reason. Because if I can't show up as me, then how the are you going to show up as you? That's why the show is marked explicit for all the people that like to comment. Like, I can't stand her cursing. It's like, then find someone fucking else, man. Like, God damn. What I've realized is we're just in a time where everything is immediate and Amazon and we have this complete. We're not able to deal with any discomfort. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be just inconvenienced. Welcome to life. Life is really shitty. Life hurts. Life is hard. But you choose your hard. And we have got to stop with needing everything to be immediate and having to know the answer. Because that's how you grow. You grow when you are uncomfort. You grow when you don't know what's going to happen. You grow because you trust yourself that no matter what, you will be okay. You have made it through every bad day because you're sitting here right now. You have made it through every heartbreak, every no contact, every time somebody put you down. You have made it through. So stop looking for answers outside of you because you have had it the whole time. And maybe I just need to be here to remind you that your light is important and I need you to brighten it, not dim it for the people that can't show up in the ways that you need. So let's talk about some of the costs that growth incurs because I know for me it has been a bit of a jarring shock. I have been doing this work for myself now since 2018. I started therapy in 2017, so we're talking nine years. But I took it more seriously in 2018, after the breakup, after I lost myself, after I hit rock bottom. And there are times where I don't recognize myself. You guys will even ask me stories and I'm like, I. I'm blanking on what I used to think then because it's so foreign to me. But that doesn't mean that I don't value all of those lessons. I don't regret a single heartache. I don't regret a single fucking thing in my life. Because if I regret that, then I'M just trying to live in the past on something I can't change. But you know what I can do? I can choose the future that I want. I can choose the people I allow in my life, and I can choose the version of myself that's going to show up in the future. And that is the only thing I have control over. And every single heartbreak and every single situation brought me to where I am now. So for me to get rid of that would mean to get rid of partnership of my personality and a part of who I am. And instead of that, I'm going to love that part. I'm going to show up for that part, and I'm going to thank that part for getting me through it when nobody else was there to help me along. So the first thing, truly, that nobody warned me about is that growth can be the loneliest thing you ever do. It is you're changing, and the people around you don't always come with you. And no one tells you how much that's going to hurt, Right? You think that when you start leveling up, everyone around you is going to be excited for you. And there are some people, of course, right? Like, you have your cheerleaders, you have your friends that are like, yes, I've been waiting this. I've been waiting for this person to get a clue. But then you have the people that benefited from the fact that you didn't have boundaries, that benefited from the fact that you played small, that benefited from the version of you that was showing up. That's the harsh reality. Growth is not linear. And there are going to be a lot of people in your life. They're going to try to rip you down because your growth is a threat to their homeostasis, because they benefited from the fact that you were the version that showed up. You got to know that if you lose people, that's okay. You're losing the people that weren't in your corner to begin with, because somebody that's stoked for you and proud of your growth is going to support you no matter what because they're excited for you, not jealous or trying to rip you off that stand so that they can put themselves on there. You got to remember, not everyone's going to be in your corner. And some of those people are the ones you expected to celebrate you the loudest. Right? That part can be jarring. You start realizing that some relationships were only built to hold a certain version of you. And when you outgrow that version, the relationship doesn't stretch with you. I Have had my fair share of friends that I've had to say goodbye to. And I'll tell you right now, there's a couple, of course, that I miss, right? I miss the jokes, I miss the calls. I miss feeling seen by this person. But there's a good portion of people that I don't because for so long, we're taught this, like, you know, best friends forever and hold on to everybody. And the. The person I met has to be the one. But we're not really taught how to grieve that, how to be okay with. When you level up, you're gonna have a lot of people that are either stoked for you or not. And that is part of this. As you grow and heal, don't be shocked if you have family members that start to get upset with you. Don't be shocked if some of your friends start to give you an attitude. Or the people that you're dating or in a relationship with don't know what to do with that. Now, that doesn't make everybody bad. That doesn't mean you have to run from every person. But what that does mean is that you gotta be cognizant and aware that you showing up as a new version of you is going to threaten other people. And it's not a bad thing. I know that. I have experienced that firsthand. I have friends now that I am so grateful to have in my life. I have one of my friends, a dear friend of mine, Emily Morris. Sex with Emily is her podcast. Go listen. She's fucking amazing. And I had one really good day in sales, and when we went out to lunch, she said, how are you? And I told her, and she started squealing, and she's like, no, we're not gonna talk about anything until you celebrate how fucking great you did today. And that meant so much to me because very few people celebrate those wins with me. In the growth, a lot of people are just focused on the version that you were, but not necessarily the version that you're becoming. And so I think it's really important to have the people. And if. Here's the thing, if you don't have anybody in your corner right now to celebrate, you allow me to be that person. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of how far you've come. Even if you don't see it, we do. Because you're here. You're doing this for you. You care about your life in a way that other people don't. And if no one's going to celebrate that I will, because you're fucking doing it. And that's a lot more than most other people can say. So part of this, right? And we had that episode a few weeks ago about the harsh truth number four, right? And the no contact, no closure episode about, like, grieving. And I think the part that's really messed up to me is like, you're going to grieve the versions of yourself that you outgrew on purpose, right? Like, you chose to leave those versions behind. You did the work to not be that person anymore. And you might still miss that part, right? You might miss how simple things were, right? You miss not knowing what you know. Now, my mama always used to say, you know, knowledge is a burden at times because it's easier to be blissfully unaware than to carry the weight of the knowledge of what we're bringing into it. And I've even sometimes thought that I'm like, man, I wish I wasn't so fucking self aware to understand all of this. But then I look at the people that aren't and I say, man, that's a. So that's its own kind of hell. I don't envy somebody that's emotionally unavailable because somebody emotionally unavailable can't tap into their emotions and feelings, struggles to be present with those. But you know what? That somebody emotionally unavailable isn't living a full, robust life with all of the spectrum of emotions and feelings, the highs and the lows are part of it. Now. We don't wanna live on a rollercoaster, but I don't envy those people. And I remember, I'll never forget when my parents divorced, my mom said, I wish I could be like your father. Just not care, move on quickly, go from person to person. And I remember, I was like 18, and I remember looking at her and saying, I don't. I don't envy him because he has to live so alone. He doesn't have really good friends. He doesn't have people that are like, really got his back. And I was like, he doesn't get to experience the full spectrum. I have empathy and compassion for that, but I don't. I don't want to become that. I love being a big personality, right? For everybody that's been told, you're too much. That's just because somebody else couldn't handle the version of you that was showing up again. Maybe your behavior might have been a lot. Okay, all right, I've been there. I've done that. But you are not too much. You are just enough. And you got to be around people that can handle how beautiful you shine and not try to dim you down because it threatens their own light. And I know you miss the version of you that didn't have standards because, hey, at least that version wasn't lonely. And that grief is real and no one talks about it. How do you explain to somebody that you're sad about becoming a better version of yourself? They don't understand that there are going to be things that you miss. Connections and circumstances and experiences that you had when you were the person that was maybe a little unhealthier. And it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You're allowed to grieve and mourn the versions of yourself that you were. And you're also allowed to miss those versions. But you're also allowed to know you don't have to back to that. Because we're not looking back, baby. We're looking forward. You're not going that way. And as always, you know, I come with research that backs us up. So there was a study at Harvard that looked at how loss and big life changes reshape your sense of self. What they found is that people going through significant change had fewer ways to describe who they were, so their sense of identity got smaller. They lost access to the preferences and activities that used to define them. And here's what hit me about this. It doesn't just apply to a losing a person. It applies to losing the version of yourself you used to be. When you outgrow a friendship, when you leave a relationship, when you change your entire life, even when those changes are positive, you will still experience a very real loss. And the research actually showed that when changes are good, people are ashamed to admit they feel anything but grateful. And I think that's why growth feels like grief sometimes, because it literally is. Your brain is processing the loss of a identity that you used to hold on to. So if you're in the middle of a season where everything is technically going well, but you feel sad or disconnected, that's not something wrong with you, baby. That's just your brain catching up with the fact that you're not where you were six months ago. And I'm really proud of you. This episode is sponsored by Warby Parker. You guys, spring is here. You got your weddings, you got your trips, you got your hangs. You've got so many things where photos are going to be taken. And you know what? You got to remember your glasses are in all of them. Every single moment. And it's funny, I am one of the only Zohars that doesn't need to wear glasses all the time. But baby, as I'm getting older, I need them for night time and for driving. And what happens is I end up wearing them into a party or an event and mama wants to look Chicago throughout it all. And that's why I'm obsessed with Warby Parker. I've had like 10 pairs of Warby Parker glasses over the last 10 years. My brother has Warby Parker, my mom does. We are all obsessed. And the reason I love them is because nothing comes close on quality, price, selection and customer service. Once you buy from Warby Parker, you realize how much easier they've made the entire process. They have a virtual try on. It's a total game changer. You can literally try on glasses from your phone before you buy. And it's kind of crazy how well it works, plus the quality. I just can't get over how much I love them. And wary. Parker has distributed over 20 million million pairs of glasses to people in need through its buy a pair, give a pair program. And that's why I love them even more. And Warby Parker is covered by major eye insurance plans, so they make it incredibly easy to use. It's the perfect time to upgrade your glasses for spring. Buy one prescription pair and get 20% off any additional prescription pairs@warbyparker.com Sabrina that's again 20% off additional prescription pairs when you go to W A r b y parker.com Sabrina I sometimes have felt guilty. I will look and say, there's nothing wrong. Right? You could look inside my life and be like, you have everything. You've got the partner, you've got, the career, you've got all these things. But that doesn't mean that I'm happy. Because you know what the other thing that nobody warned me about? Success doesn't fix you. No one warned me about that. You can't afford therapy. Don't worry. Start your own business. It's going to challenge you in ways you never imagined possible. It's going to hit those core beliefs. It's going to hit those littles. It's going to make you wonder how the you could do this. Because you know why? You have no one but yourself to relate, rely on. When you're an entrepreneur, you have to be the, the spearheader. You have to pay everybody. You got to figure out how to keep that ship going and if that triggers the little part of you that always wanted to be saved and Fixed, then it's not going to be shocking that being an entrepreneur or having success is going to feel really foreign to you because your nervous system doesn't understand how you need to take the lead. It's still waiting for someone to come and save you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. That just means that you now need to step into the power and into the version that you didn't have when you were little so that you can take care of yourself in a way that nobody ever did. Success does not fix your insecurities. It gives you a bigger stage. The same voice that said you're not enough when you have nothing still shows up when you have everything. You think like, oh, yeah, when I hit that goal, I'll feel confident. When I make this amount of money, I'll feel secure. But the reality is that day never comes. It's a moving target. And that's the same with, like, when I lose weight, I'm gonna feel this. When I get a partner, I'm gonna feel this. If your life is when this, then this. You are setting yourself up for failure. Because if you're waiting for something to happen for you to feel good about yourself, you will be wa forever. Because you're just releasing dopamine in anticipation of. That's why you'll feel flat when you do reach the goal. Because they're two different receptors of the brain, the anticipation of and then the actual reward. So don't feel like you have to wait for something for you to start living your life, because here's the reality. You're not granted another day. You're not given a guarantee that you're going to have this opportunity. So make the most of your life now. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or anywhere in between, that doesn't matter. Show up for you or don't show up at all. When I really started to get into this work, Holy. This has triggered me in ways I never imagined possible. Showing up for you guys every week, being scared. Right. My book is coming out. You guys could pre order it. We're gonna do a proper launch. Don't worry. It's called why am I Like this? And it's on Amazon. Thank you. And you guys got a free course if you pre order. Just to let you guys know, I'm giving you a thank you. And the only way I can get into Barnes and Noble and Target and all that is from pre orders. The only way I can make the New York time list is on pre orders. Do you know how scared I am? Do you know how scared I am to launch this, to put this out into the world, to be vulnerable at stories I've never shared? I'm terrified. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna do it. That means I'm gonna do it and then just make sure I have the support that I need. And that's what I mean by, like, success doesn't automatically mean. Because, like, I'll never forget when I first started my clothing line, my partner told me, don't worry, he had a very successful business. And he goes, the only difference is I have more zeros to my problems. And I didn't get it. And now I'm like, I see what you mean, right? When you get there, that voice is still there. It just has, like, a nicer backdrop in view. And nobody tells you that, right? Nobody tells you that. You achieving your dreams and still feeling like a fraud is one of the most common experiences of growth that there ever was. Because that version of you doesn't just go away, right? Somebody had asked the other day, when will the anxiety go away? Because I'm in a happy and successful relationship. And the reality is that doesn't go away. You don't just get rid of anxiety because now you have a healthy and secure partner. Because the anxiety was never about them to begin with. It's about you. It's about what's coming up for you and the insecurities and the core beliefs and the stories that you created about why you could never have that. So just because you suddenly have it doesn't mean that that all goes away. Because if that were the case, baby, we would all be in a totally different place if I just needed something different to change my inside. Because external doesn't turn change, internal change. And that's a really, really harsh reality. When you're doing this growth work, you're gonna have those people, and you're like, oh, okay, Even though I have amazing friends, it's gonna be hard to receive because you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're wondering if they're gonna figure you out. You're wondering what's gonna happen. That's really normal. Now what we do is we have something called a corrective experience. A corrective experience is a cue to your nervous system, right? Oh, in the past, friends have always fucked me over, but this person's showing up for me. So it allows your nervous system to say, oh, a new experience, right? This one's a positive one. Yay. It's Just a different, different environment for your nervous system to be able to grow in a different way. The other thing that was really shocking to me when I started doing all this work is like, there's the guilt, right? You're going to feel guilty for being happy, especially if the people you love are still struggling. And also if that's been your personality, right? I was. I was the girl that was a hot mess. I was the girl that was always the lost cause and she's the loser and she's never gonna make it. So when you do start to make it, you don't just get rid of that personality and that version of yourself, because that's the one that was leading the car. What you learned to is saying, oh, that's no longer what I'm going to identify as. Especially if you came from a situation where everyone was in survival mode together. When you're the one who makes it out, or even just the one who starts making different choices, there's the weight that comes with it, right? Like, you don't deserve to be happy if the people around you aren't. Or like your happiness is somehow a betrayal of where you came from. And no one warns you about that, that you're allowed to take up space and celebrate your wins. You're also allowed to hold space for somebody else who's celebrating theirs. Even if you're not in a good place. If you're struggling right now, I want you to do this one thing at the end of every sentence, I want you to add, for now. Now I'm lonely for now, I'm great. For now. I'm struggling for now. Because all you have is right now. When we say these sweeping generalizations, I'm never going to find anybody. I'm going to be alone forever. What you're telling your brain is like, whoop. Get used to that baby. Start to mourn it right now. But if you add for now, what you're saying is, this is this moment. But that doesn't mean tomorrow that something can't change. It doesn't mean that tomorrow that you don't go to a coffee shop and meet the fucking love of your life or get an email that changes your life. So just because it's not here right now doesn't mean it will be like that forever. It's just for now. And the thing too is, like, you will still have moments where you have everything you asked for and still feel empty. That doesn't mean that you're ungrateful. It means you're human. And, yeah, Sometimes you do build the life that you dreamed of, and then you stand inside of it and think, why don't I feel the way I thought I would? The gap between expectation and experience is one of the most disorienting parts of growth, because you can't even complain about it, right? Who's going to feel sorry for you when you get everything that you wanted? That's why I was saying earlier the, like, when this, then this. If you can't be happy where you are, you're not going to be happy when you get to where you want to go. Because then what I'm saying by that is, then it's not about the external. Now, of course. Listen, there's a difference between, like, hey, I'm struggling. I've got no money. I can't even rub two cents together. And then all of a sudden you start making money and you're like, okay, cool, Right? There's the survival components that you're like, yes, that changed my life. And then there's the external stuff. I hear it every day. When I get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I'm going to be happy. When I make more money, I'm going to be happy. When I do X, Y, and Z, I'm going to be more happy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You probably won't. You won't. Because we don't know how to appreciate that. Because then the next step is I'm gonna lose it all. But what if it goes away? Right? I remember even when I started the podcast, and I was just like, I'd be happy if anybody listens to this. And then as I started growing, growing, growing, it became so scary. So that when the name changed happened, I was like, oh, my God, you lost everything. And it felt like that. Did I lose a lot? Yeah, we've talked about this, you guys know. But now I get to rebuild myself in the way that I want to be, in the version that I want to be and to be the version that I believe that I actually am, not the one that I was taught about when I was a kid. And I want to talk about something that I think was pretty jarring for me when I really started to do all this work. Boundaries. Everyone tells you to set boundaries, but nobody tells you that boundaries don't just push away the wrong people. They sometimes push away people you love who can't just meet you where you're at. Setting a boundary with someone you care about is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, because the boundary is right. And it still hurts. And you have to. To be able to sit with both of those things and have them true at the same time. You're allowed to set a boundary. You're allowed to hurt someone's feelings. You're allowed to disappoint other people. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. That just means that both of you guys need to acclimate to the new version that you're becoming. And boundaries. I remember when I first started saying no, that was shocking. I remember having family members that pushed back. I had friends that pushed back. I remember even guys I dated when I would say, like, that doesn't work for me. Whoa, geez. Why are you being such a diva? And you're like, what the are you talking about? And I started to learn that that then that means that that person's not safe for me. There were people, even my own family, when I would say something, and they, you know, they weren't used to that. They weren't used to me saying, no, I'm not going to do that. I used to. You're right. But I'm not going to do that anymore. That doesn't mean that we have to get rid of these people. That just means that we start to acclimate a little bit. And, yeah, there might be the black sheep. You might be the black sheep. I was. I was the first person in my family to start doing all of this work and really start to hone in on the lessons and the learnings and the. This growth is not linear, and you're gonna piss people off along your journey. I don't know. Whoever told you that growth is easy lied to you. Growth is not easy. Healing is not easy. And it's also not a destination. Healing doesn't look like you arrived somewhere. It looks like you're catching yourself a little bit faster, that the triggers don't disappear. You just stop letting them run the show. And at the end of the day, growth just means that you're actually stepping into a version of yourself that you are proud of and not somebody that is trying to get other people to be proud of you. You. I used to think that healing meant I would reach a point where nothing bothered me anymore, where, like, I wouldn't get activated. I wouldn't spiral. But that's not what it is. Healing is when you spiral for two hours instead of two weeks. Healing is when you notice the pattern before you're already deep in it. It's not a finish line. Right. This is a practice, and you have to re choose yourself over and over and over again. It is not a one time decision. I use the gym analogy because it's just the one that I know the best. If you were to go to the gym, you get a six pack. You got to maintain that you have to go every week or you lose weight or you start eating better or you start going on walk. You don't just do it once and then like that's it. You've got to create a pattern. You have to make a decision every single day that might look like waking up and meditating every single morning to get yourself into a place that works. That might look like working with a doctor or functional medicine doctor. That's why I love Dr. Tori so much. Because I get to do different things and every day I get to make different choices. To grow into the version of myself that I actually deserve to be. To take care of myself every time. Why do you think I said such boundaries with you guys about like, I'm not just making you guys free. I don't just answer DMS as if I'm sitting on my couch all day just giving free advice because my time matters. And when I invest, when I spend, like I just joined a group, it was very expensive and I'm so stoked. I did it because I made an investment in myself and I'm using it. That's why I have courses. Because I want you guys to remember that when you spend money on something, you do it. You don't do that when something is free, right? You could watch this podcast every day and not implement, but if you spent money on it, you're like, no girl, I'm gonna do that differently. It's decision that also includes your time. Not just monetary being fiscal, but also your time. Right? That meditation and journaling and doing regulating techniques and going to therapy and having all of these modalities and it's really important to remember that these are decisions you make every single day. And that's the thing. It's the same with no contact and not reaching out or not chasing somebody. You make a choice every single day to become the version of yourself that you deserve to be. So what choices are you going to make today? Remember, it's not a one time thing. And honestly, the last thing that nobody really warned me about was building the life you want requires you to sit in the discomfort of not recognizing your own life for a while. There is that in between phase where your old life doesn't fit anymore, but your new life doesn't feel like it's yours yet. And you're in the middle and it's uncomfortable and I'm going to age myself. Do you guys remember the Jimmy Eat World song? The middle. It just takes some time, little girl. You're in the middle of the ride. That song got me through so many dark times. Or the other one, like the sun will come out. Nothing good ever comes quickly. Like, I remember just listening to those songs and having to prep my brain to saying, it's not going to be that quick. It's not going to be that easy. This is not Amazon. You don't just get your healing at the front door when you just ordered it online. You have to invest. And there are going to be moments between the old and the new where you're like, this is a weird limbo, right? And I know you might start wondering like, did you make a mistake? You did not. That's just what a transition feels like. It's supposed to feel unfamiliar. That's how you know it's actually new. Here's something that most people don't talk about. When it comes to your healing journey, you have never been this version of yourself before. So how the fuck are you gonna know what you need to do? This is the first time that maybe you're setting boundaries, that maybe you're choosing yourself, that maybe you are putting yourself first and not self abandoning. So of course you're not gonna actually know how to do all of this, right? That's part of it. Give yourself some compassion and grace. You've never been this version of yourself before. So take your time to grow into it and not just try to fucking bypass it cause you're uncomfortable. So as always, baby, I'm gonna give you a tool of the week because duh, that's what's important. So your tool of the week, I'm calling it the Identity inventory. So maybe you do this on your birthday or at the end of the year. Honestly, whenever you need a reminder of how far you've come, write two lists side by side. On the left, things I believed about myself a year ago. And then on the right, what I believe now. And I don't want you to judge either list. And honestly, you guys can put it in the comments. I want to share in your wins. I'd love to see how far you've come. Even if maybe you just do this from this time until last year, right? Just a year in retrospect, I will tell you this. I believed about myself a year ago that I wasn't gonna be able to do this. That I was gonna lose everything, that I'm a fucking loser and no one likes me. And that's it. You can't figure this out. And what I believe now is that I still don't necessarily think I have everything I need. But I have shown myself and proven myself that I will make it no matter what. That I have a lot of things that I really can't wait and I look forward to. Right? Whether it be the book or the tour or all of these incredible things, right? Trying to. My. My dream is to have my own TV show. I wanna help people in a different way. And that doesn't mean I'm not gonna still kind of try to perceive and try to grow for that and try to get that. But me looking at those two lists and being really, really real with myself, what changed the distinction between the two is that I believe in myself more. That I know that no matter what, I'll fucking figure this out. I always do. And that has alleviated a lot of the anxiety because I went through a lot of hard times. And to me, getting to where I'm at now, I can't wait to see where I'm at in another year. I can't wait to. Until this time next year when we're talking after the book is launched and after all of these things, to celebrate more wins and to grieve more endings. Because that's the point of this baby. And that distance is your growth. And if it makes you emotional, good, good, that means you actually changed. Most people won't do this because it forces you to see how much you've let go of. And that's uncomfortable, but it's also proof that you're not the same fucking person. And that is the whole goddamn point. You're not supposed to be. And so if people say that you've changed, you say, thank you. You, thank you. You're right. I have changed. I have worked my ass too. I have done this. I did this work. I invested. I did this. Nobody did it for me. I made choices that aligned with the person that I'm trying to become. And I know I deserve nothing but the best. And that is the mantra that I want you to hold on to. Because it's true wherever you are, if you've manifested your dream partner, good, you did that. And if you're single and you haven't, that's okay, good you chose that. That you might say, I didn't choose that. Yes, you did. By not wasting your time on low effort. I'm proud of you for that. So, baby, if you're in your growth era and this feels messy and lonely and confusing, happy birthday to you, too, because that means it's working. The fact that it's uncomfortable means you're not staying the same. And that is the whole point. Can people change 100 depending on the work that they do? Character is destiny, right? I'm. This is me. This is me. But. But I can change the way I react to things. I can change the way I respond to things. I can change what I allow in my life, and I can change fundamentally who I believe in myself as. But I'm not going to change who I actually am. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to be for everybody. Because if I was, that means I am. I'm doing something wrong. I'm okay to piss people off. I'm okay to not be liked by everybody. But that takes time to get there. And that's growth is being okay to disappoint people, especially as a kid when that felt like danger more than anything. So I'm fucking proud of you. Growth is uncomfortable. Healing is uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Thank you for being here. Thank you for allowing me to have another lap around the sun with you guys and to celebrate and things and to mourn things, right? Endings and new beginnings and things that I'm excited about and things that I'm scared about. And I want to celebrate you, too. So let me know in the comments. Share some stuff. Give it to Mama. And share this with a friend that might need it. Especially somebody who's on their healing journey who is feeling a little lost or confused and is saying, God, am I doing it wrong? You're not. You just were never taught this. That's the. That's the grave mistake about school, is that that I think, is what we actually need to learn more than anything else. I love you guys. Thank you for being here. Happy fucking birthday to me, to everybody else celebrating, and to all of you guys, too. It's not just me that gets to be here. It's with you. So I'm grateful. If you guys need anything, everything's at the link in show notes, as always. And baby, until next time. I love you guys. Sa.