← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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Ready to soundtrack your summer with Red Bull Summer All Day Play. You choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end dj, a road dog, or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day Play. Red Bull gives you wings. Visit red bull.com brightsummerahead to learn more. See you this summer. This episode is brought to you by Prime Obsession is in session. And this summer, Prime Originals have everything you want. Steamy romances, irresistible love stories, and the book to screen favorites you've already read twice off campus. Elle every year. After the love Hypothesis, Sterling Point and more, slow burns, second chances, chemistry you can feel through the screen. Your next obsession is waiting. Watch only on Prime. I want to talk to the person who gets the ick. With literally everybody, Every single person you go out with, there's something wrong. They chewed too loud. The shoes they wore. They laugh too loud. They dried too hard. And this person genuinely believes they just haven't found the right one yet, that their standards are just too high. And maybe that's true. But maybe, and hear me out, maybe the ick isn't protecting them from the wrong people. It's actually for protecting them from being seen by the right ones. Because there are parts of yourself that you cut off a long time ago, but parts you decided were too much or too needy or too messy or too loud or too whatever the fuck you think. And those parts didn't just go away. They just went underground. And now you're running your entire love life with that really underneath it all. So today we're going to talk about shadow work. What it actually is, why it's different from everything else we've talked about on the show and why it might be the reason you keep ending up right here. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zoho Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hello, my babies. Welcome back. It's May. It's my birthday month. I mean, this is after my birthday, but it's my month. I'm so excited to be here with my friends. It's funny, somebody had asked, I want an episode on Shadow Work. And I was like, okay, Shadow Work and her child Work. I'm like, how can I differentiate this? And then I was talking to somebody and I said, what is the number one thing you see in dating right now? And he said, oh, all of my girlfriends just, they. All they have is the ick. Everything is the ick. And I stopped and I was like, the ick? The ick is something deeper. And I started doing my studies and my work and going through it and realizing I was right. The ick really is playing with the shadow. And so that's what we're going to talk about today. I'm so excited because again, I want to be bringing newness with you guys. Different topics, different ideas. And I hope you guys stick around, I hope you listen, I hope you come back every single week. And if you do, thank you so much. And if you don't, that's okay. Welcome to this episode. If this is what you need, guys, don't forget. As always, if you need anything, you can work one on one. You can join one of the courses. We've got the going slow course or the healthy dating foundation course course. One is really great if you need to slow it the down. And the other one is really great if you don't even know where to start in dating and you want to build a healthy foundation. And if you need anything, everything's@sabrina zohar.com Please don't forget, rate and review the show, leave a comment, share it with a friend. You have no idea how much that helps and how we can build a community. And if you guys want ad free, it's an option. And if not, that's okay too. You could fast forward, you could support the advertisers because they are the reason the show is free for you guys. And I am so grateful. But thank you. Thank you as always for being here, showing up as you, and allowing me to show up as me. All right, babies, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? I hear the buzzword all the time, right? Shadow work, shadow work. Do the shadow work. Love the parts of yourself. And it's like, but I don't know anybody knows what the fuck that actually means. And I remember a couple years ago when I started on TikTok, everything was about this, like, journal. I don't even remember the name of it. It was some shadow work journal. And people were like fucking coming out of their pants because of it. And it was like, then I'd read it and I'm like, this is very basic. It's very simple. Like, we really, what we're trying to do is just like, uncover the parts of ourselves that we are embarrassed and scared to show. And I, I have my own fair share of shadows. Like, I find myself even sometimes if I'll get frustrated with something I see in somebody else, I'll notice, like, oh, that's a frustration I have within myself. That's something I'm uncomfortable showing about me. And that's oftentimes, like, when we get triggered or we project. Right. We have all these different variables. And so I'm excited. I'm excited to talk about something a little different today, because I think that this healing journey, I think a lot of people want it to be linear, and it's just not. It's not. And. And it. You know, let me preface. Like, things might get repetitive. I totally understand that some of you guys have been here from the beginning, and it's like, wow, okay, were we still talking about some of these things? We are, because when I was in school, I needed to learn the same thing over and over again. I've been trying to learn French and shit's hard. And they just keep doing the same thing over and over. And for some reason, I'm still not getting it, because I'm a human. And it takes repetition for us to create new neural pathways. So if you're new here, awesome. Let's go. And if you've been here for a minute, great. I'm really proud of you. We're going to keep this going, and I want to make sure that this episode and moving forward, most of the episodes are good if you're dating, you're single, you're in a relationship, or anywhere in between, because we can all always improve in ourselves and keep this gravy train running. All right, so what is shadow work like? What does that actually mean? So we've talked about inner child work a lot on the show, and I love that work. Like, I genuinely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that. I want to be really specific about where it ends and where this begins, because they can get conflated, and they're not actually the same thing. So inner child work is about the hurt parts of you, Right. The little version of you that didn't get what they needed and built an entire survival strategy around that absence. That work is beautiful, and it builds so much compassion for yourself, and I will always be an advocate for it. But here's where it can get a little tricky. Someone can do the inner child work for years and keep showing up the same in their relationships because they got really comfortable being the wounded one. The healing became the identity. And I say that with so much love because I have been there. I have asked one question I notice really changes the game. If you were to get rid of the narrative and story that you've created about yourself, who would you be? So if you're not always the anxious one or the one that people leave or the one that nobody wants, who's left under that? Then maybe you'd actually be the person that's smart, that's driven, that has a lot to offer, that is validated, that knows who they are. And that's often really, really scary. Because for us to step into that, we have to let go of all the core beliefs that associate with the original story, and we have to start actually believing in ourselves. Which is why it's so easy to hold on to a narrative of I'm just up and there's something wrong with me as opposed to doing that inner work to realize there's never been anything wrong with you. Someone just created a narrative about you. Now get to rewrite to me. Attachment work. It kind of gives you a map. It shows you the strategy you built to stay connected to your caregivers and how that same strategy is now running your adult relationships. And that is incredibly powerful information. But I think people wear it like a name tag. I'm anxious attachment. It becomes the explanation for everything. Instead of showing you where you're actually moving from and through. Knowing your style is step one. But that's not the whole staircase. I want you to get really curious. Is it an explanation or an excuse? If you're saying, well, they're avoidant, are you excusing their behavior or you explaining it so that you can understand it and then make a choice for yourself? If you keep running around saying, well, it's my anxious attachment style and I'm just triggered, that's a excuse. You can understand your attachment style and still do something about it. I don't sit here and say, well, that's my anxious attachment style. That's why I screamed at you and expect that you're going to give me a get in a jail free card. What I do is I say, oh, that's what's being activated right now. Which means now I get to get curious about what's underneath it so I can change my actual behavior and become the secure version I have always known lives inside of me. I just haven't had the space to be able to show it in a different way. Nervous system works. It gets you into your body. I love it. Right. It teaches you to notice when you're disregulated, how to bring yourself back. And that matters. But regulation on its own doesn't tell you why certain people or situations send your system into chaos for the first place. The reason I always say we don't want to focus so heavily on the why is because we don't need to understand. Why do they do this and why did they do that and why don't they like me? There is somebody out there who would be lucky to be chosen by you and I need you to start acting like it. The more you try to understand why didn't they like me and why don't they want to be with me? All you're doing is self abandoning. You can understand why a situationship ended so you can grow from it. Why did I go for somebody emotionally unavailable? That was intermittent reinforcement and felt really safe, but it wasn't actually a true connection. Great, focus on that. But if you're so focused on why this person didn't want you, you are completely missing out on the fact that just because they didn't doesn't mean that there's nothing a thousand people lining up for the opportunity to be with someone amazing just like you. To me, I think shadow work fills the gap of all of these aspects and what they leave open. Shadow work isn't about the parts of you that got hurt. It's about the parts of you that you rejected. The parts you decided were unacceptable and just amputated from who you were. And here's the thing that people up in the best way possible. The shadow doesn't just hold your darkness. It also holds your power, your anger, your desire, your selfishness, your ambition. Things that might actually serve you really well. But somewhere along the way you got the message that these things were not okay. So you buried them. And now you're leaking out in ways you don't even recognize for a long time. The one question my therapist asked that changed my life was what parts of yourself do you not think are lovable? Because that was the shadow part. The part of me that's anxious, right? That's the part that my dad hated. So why would I ever think anybody would love me for those having those parts? Well, if I don't love myself for having those parts, how can anybody else externally? So instead of trying to get rid of them, I gotta learn how to live with them. Because it's a part of me like anything else. Are you trying to amputate your arm? Because sometimes it hurts. No. You learn to live with the pain and you deal with it like everything else. Because you can't just remove aspects of yourself and then still expect that the same version of you is going to be there. All of those parts made you who you are. And I think that they're amazing and beautiful. And if you can maybe show yourself some love and compassion instead of talking to yourself like everybody did when you were a kid, you'll get a lot further because those parts protected you. And instead of hating for them, maybe you can say thank you and show appreciation for the fact that they did keep you safe. They're just no longer keeping you safe. This episode is sponsored by Better Help Babes. It is Mental Health Awareness Month, and, baby, whatever you are going through, you do not have to go through it alone. There are going to be days where you feel amazing and then there are going to be days where you can't get out of bed. And that is okay. Whatever it is coming up for you, I want you to know that you are safe. You are seen, you are heard. And sometimes you just need to have someone with you that can remind you of that. And that's why I love Better Help. Better Help has quality therapists, and they work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully, fully licensed in the US and baby, I would be lying to you if I said I don't still struggle. There are times and days where I wake up saying I can't do it. And then other ones where I say, let's go. That doesn't mean that you're not still healing and doing the work. That just means you are a human. And now, baby, you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up again, 10% off@betterhelp.com Sabrina Again, that's better. H E L P.com Sabrina the one question that my therapist asked that literally changed my life was, what parts of yourself do you not think are lovable? And for a long time I was like, why would I want to love those parts? Why would I love the anxious parts of me? All they've ever done is cause me issues until I realized, oh, the more I resist it, the more it's going to persist. Instead of hating those parts of myself, maybe I could show gratitude and say thank you to them. They kept me safe. The reality is, though, I'm not dealing with my mom or dad anymore. They're maladaptive. But if you actually want to grow, heal and evolve, you got to learn to love those parts of yourself instead of hate them. Because, baby, the more you try to fight against them, the more they're going to try to get your goddamn attention. And I always, I was. I was told I was too much and here's the thing. Sometimes it was in words, sometimes it was people saying, hey, you're too much. You need to stop. Like my sister, I have my sister's voice all the time. Of like, you're this. You're taking up too much space. Oh, my God. You make everything about you, Sabrina. You always have to make it about you. And then I had to realize, oh, that was her insecurity. Because all of our lives, I was the one getting more of the attention. And she was trying to fight for that, and that's okay. That makes her human, and that makes me human. But you know what I also had to do? Say, well, that part obviously needs something. If there's a part of me that feels like they want someone to hear them, then I'm gonna fucking pay attention to that. And maybe, maybe it actually has nothing to do with you being too much. Maybe your behavior was too much. And that's okay. We can hold space for that. But if somebody tells you you're this, you're this, and you're this, you have to, one, see the lens that they're giving that to you from. And two, you got to see how much you believe it. Because if you start to believe it, okay, great, then that's what it's coming from. It's a core belief. But if somebody came to me right now and was like, you are way to this. And it's like, I. Sorry, I don't. I don't see what you're saying. And if they don't have anything to quantify it with, it's like, oh, okay, that. That sounds like a projection or that it's a part of yourself that you don't like, that maybe you're now making my problem. And the reality is too, it wasn't always in words. A lot of people showed me I was too much by their action, by trying to distance themselves, by ignoring my phone calls, by trying to silence me, by talking over me, by telling me that I need to be smaller or that nobody's going to like me for these aspects, and that right there could do more damage. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. When my dad used to walk out of the room, when my dad used to turn his head while I'd be crying, of course I thought I was too much. How could I not? The person that's supposed to keep me safe, that's supposed to protect me, is doing something that shows me that the emotions I have are not safe here, that this isn't a place I could be Authentically, myself. And sometimes that hurts so much more than somebody telling you, because your nervous system is going to remember that action. It's going to remember feeling small and little and watching somebody walk out the door. And that right there could say so much more than anybody's words could ever say. I think you guys understand the distinction. Let me show you how these play out in real life. Because once you see this, you're going to recognize it everywhere. Let's talk about the ick. The ick is a big one. And you know what? I get it. The ick is a word that people throw around. And I genuinely don't think most people understand what actually happens when they feel it. So let's say on the surface level, someone does something small and your whole body rejects them. It's very visceral. It feels like, certain. And the way we talk about it, it's like some divine download, like your intuition just told you to run. And sometimes, yes, absolutely trust it, right? If someone is rude about a boundary or if they're disrespectful, they speak down to you they're not showing up to consistently. If something happens that actually conflicts with your values, that's not just the ick, baby. That's your body giving you data that you should listen to. But let's say someone is vulnerable in front of you and your first reaction is to recoil. That's different. If someone is clearly trying and that effort makes you cringe, right? That's different. If someone communicates a need directly and your skin crawls, that's not your intuition. That's actually your shadow. Because what you're really reacting to isn't them. It's a quality you made wrong in yourself a long time ago. You rejected your own neediness so violently that when another human being shows you theirs, your body treats it like a threat. And I know it. I used to have stupid icks. I've told you guys about this. When I first met Ryan, I was like, his clothes are really tight on him. And, like, I hate his car color. And like, he lives with a roommate I was making up, right? And I remember my mom going, okay, all of that changes. Do you still not like this person? And I had to stop. And I was like, that's true. He can get different size clothing, which he has. He could get a different car color, which he hasn't yet, but we will, and he can move out. And he did. And now his new roommate is me. And in that moment, I was like, cool. That's when the ick doesn't really make any sense. Or in that same token, when somebody's open and honest and vulnerable with you and you say, oh, my God, that's lame, or, ugh, what a little. I can't believe somebody would do that. I don't like this therapy talk that's you actually rejecting parts of yourself and then projecting it on the other person. There is nothing wrong with someone showing you interest. There is nothing wrong with someone being vulnerable and open. And if you get the ick because somebody is trying to do that, then this is on you and not about them. Because there are a thousand people waiting for somebody that is emotionally available, intelligent, and trying to connect on a deeper level. And if you want to make this something it's not, then that's why you're going to be single, because you have real unrealistic expectations that don't exist. We need to have a real honest conversation. Because when you get the ick with every single person who's actually available and present and kind, that is not high standards. That is shadow work working over time to make sure nobody gets close enough to see the parts of you that you've decided are unacceptable. And being seen means showing those parts, which is terrifying. So the shadow goes, nope, gross. Next. And you call it the ick and you move on. And the cycle keeps going. And this isn't just about dating, baby. If you're already with someone and you're suddenly getting the ick about your person, the one you chose, sit with that for a second. Did they actually change or did they just show themselves and a part of themselves that you've disowned in yourself? Maybe they got softer. Maybe they asked for something and instead of meeting that something in, you shut down and reframed their vulnerability as repulsive, gross, or I'm just not feeling it. And usually when I see that, that really shows me this person doesn't have the emotional bandwidth for a healthy and secure relationship. I see this all the time. We have fetishized this masculine, feminine polarity. I saw something the other day, and the person said, if a man is vulnerable and honest with you, he's in his feminine. And that's a turn off. And then on the top, what we're doing by saying that is we're saying emotions are feminine, not masculine. Men don't feel that. And we're putting ourselves right back into the 1940s. We're doing exactly what we used to do. Shaming people for having emotions and feelings. Shaming people. And then you come to me and say, but why can't I find anybody that's emotionally available and has depth? Because you don't have any. And you're projecting that onto every single person that you meet. So the next time you want to talk about somebody who is being open and honest and vulnerable with you and that turns you off, then, baby, I need you to sit with the fact that you might not be ready for what it is that you think you're ready. Because healthy and secure relationships are one giant commerce conversation where you are vulnerable and open with each other. And if you can't receive that, it's gonna be real hard for you to also give it as well. This episode is sponsored by Poshmark. I've been a Poshmark girly for the last 10, 15 years. I am not kidding. I am obsessed. And you know why I love Poshmark? Because not only can you sell items, right? You can sell your closet. You can get rid of things, do some spring cleaning, but you can also find things that you've been on the hunt for. Me and tech guy went into a store, and I found these shoes. I wanted them so bad, and they just didn't have my size. There was nothing I could do about it. I searched endlessly. It had been sold out. But you know where I found them? On Poshmark. And I got them a little bit less than they were in retail pricing. And they are now sitting in my room, and I am so freaking excited. And you can get brands like Bottega, Fendi, Louis Vuitton, Bagu, Coach, right? It is a plethora, baby. And that is why I love Poshmark so much, because there is something for everybody, and that is the best part. Card and new deals and styles are listed every day, so do not wait. Download the Poshmark app now and use code Sabrina when you sign up to get $10 off your first purchase. Or shop now at poshmark.com Sabrina and get $10 off your first purchase. That's P O S H-M-A-R-K.com Sabrina. So let's talk about the difference. Here's how you know the difference between your intuition and the shadow. Ick. We have an episode. By the way, I can't remember the exact name of is it your intuition or your anxiety? So if you guys want to go back, you can find that you literally, by the way, if you go to Spotify or Apple, you just type in the word and it'll bring up any episode with it. But truth be told, a lot of the episodes that we have cover a lot of different things. So I always suggest, like, listen to every week. You never know what you're going to pick up from it just because the title doesn't necessarily resonate. But that's me on my soapbox. Intuition is quiet. It shows up almost as a knowing, right? You feel it and it doesn't need to explain itself. If I were to say, do you like cupcakes? I don't know who would say, no, that's wild to me. But if your reaction was no, it's not my thing. Okay, cool. Do you notice how calm and quick that was? No, I just don't like it. Versus the shadow. Ick is loud, it's reactive. There's this like, jolt of disgust. And then your brain immediately starts building a case for why you're right. That frenetic energy, that scramble to justify the feeling, that's the tell. That's the shadow work trying to keep you from seeing yourself. So I want to talk about something that we see in this, like, pattern, right? The ick is how the shadow shows up in dating. The trigger is how it shows up in the relationship you're already in. So it's the same thing. It's just further down the road. If you're in a relationship, you're dating somebody and you keep having the same fight over and over and over again, the one you have a thousand times. The fight is not about what you think it is. It's not about the trash. It's not about not opening the door for you. There's a root under it. It could be about feeling dismissed. It could feel about not feeling like a priority. Feeling like this person doesn't actually have the bandwidth for you. Instead of focusing so heavily on all the external small little, start to get serious and curious with yourself about what's underneath it. If you really want to make progress and you really want to have rupture, regulation and repair, I need you to regulate. I need you to understand what's coming up. And I need you to start using I statements. It's not. You never do this. I feel this. And here's what I need from you. That is how you'll actually have a healthy and secure relationship with somebody and move the whole on from all these stupid little things you keep fighting about. And you have to remember that the content changes every time, but this charge still stays exactly the same. That charges the shadow, right? When your partner does something small and you have massive reaction that I always say, does the pinch match the ouch the gap is the exact size of the shadow material under it. So instead of going, you never listen, or they don't care, the question that actually moves the needle is, what quality is this person reflecting back at me right now that I've decided I can't be? And maybe that's. I don't feel prioritized. Okay, cool. Am I prioritizing myself? Maybe I am. And that's me having the conversation. And that's the beautiful thing about doing shadow work, is you start to understand what's underneath it. Maybe it is an inner child. Maybe it's a teen. Maybe it's. Whatever it is, maybe it's a part of you, right? If we had. Remember the Dick shorts episode? If you guys want to go back and listen to it, it was from Summertime about ifs. And there's the firefighters and the protector parts and everything. And to me, the shadows, those are the exile parts. Think of the shadow as the beautiful child that went to their parents to get love. And maybe their parents put them down from crying, and so that part of you gets exiled. Oh, my God. I cried in front of them. They got upset. That makes me weak. That means I can't ever show this part again. So then I'm gonna get rid of it. That's the shadow part. So then when someone cries in front of you and you're like, oh, I can't believe. Man up. That's because there's that little part of you that you're like, hey, I can't accept this. So I can't accept this in anybody else. And if you blow up when your partner is selfish, I want you to look at where you've rejected your own selfishness. And I don't mean toxic selfishness. I mean the healthy kind, right? The kind where you put yourself first and the world doesn't end if you can't stand that your partner doesn't care enough and have to read your mind and just know everything. I want you to look at where you learned that caring more than everyone else was the only way to be lovable. And I get it. I was taught that. That everybody comes first before me. I am the last thought. Sabrina, you are taking up too much space. If you make it about you, you're selfish. And until I realized, like, I was taught that because guess why? The people that push up against your boundaries and don't respect them are the exact people that benefited from the fact that you didn't have any. And I need you to start to get curious. What makes you feel guilty for setting a boundary or saying no. Because that's the exact part that was taught that that makes you too much, that that makes you selfish, that you're a bad person for having them. That's the work to be done. It's not that you then never say no to anybody and you just. People please your way through life because, baby, you're going to self abandon all day hoping that somebody saves you, when at the end of the day, baby, that is your job. Ain't nobody going to stand up for you in the same way you'll stand up for you. And this goes way beyond the person you're dating or the person that you're with. This is at Thanksgiving dinner when someone says something that teleports you right back to being 14 years old. This is your best friend who triggers a jealousy you can't explain and don't want to admit. This is the coworker who makes you unreasonably angry. Your shadow work does not care the context. It does not check in with who it's dealing with. It runs the same program with your partner, your parent, your best friend, your boss. Maybe it's the same mechanism, but it's a different face sitting across from you. So as always, of course, I have a study. Duh. So there was a study about your unconscious self is the one showing up in the room. Okay, so there was a study done in 2015, available through PMC. And so the study looked at how people perceive themselves versus how their partners actually experience them. So the unconscious self perceptions, the ones you don't have access to, those was the ones that predicted how romantic partners actually rated the quality of the relationship and how the person was observing behavior. The conscious self perceptions, they only predicted what people said about themselves on a questionnaire. So the version of you that you think is showing up, that's just your. I always say to my clients, I'm like, that's your PR team. That's the one that you think you need to do. The shadow is the one that's actually in the room. The shadow part is the one that is actually begging to be seen, not the one that we have to be to put on a mask for. Right. We have. Oh, Thais's episode is coming out. Thais Gibson always talks about how the conscious is about 3 to 5%. The subconscious is 95 to 97% of how we interact with people. So we might think we're showing up one way, but we're actually not. And I think it's really, really important for us to be able to do the. To tell the difference, we have to remember. You project yourself onto your partner and then you call it perception. So lame. Clark and Feeney, out of Yale, studied married and dating couples and found the way people perceive their partners responsiveness was largely a projection of their own. I've said this all day. Most people will react to you in a way that is a projection of their own. Most people are are projecting their way through life, myself included, because that's how a lot of us were taught. People who were caring assumed their partners were caring. People who were less invested assume their partners felt the same. And this wasn't just like a personality overlap. It was its own distinct mechanism. You are literally constructing your experience of your partner out of your own unexamined material. Is why I always say like, oh well, if somebody doesn't text you back for a few hours and you jump to they don't like me, baby, that is your shadow work at play. That is that core belief, projecting what you believe onto the other person. You have no facts that this person hates you. You have no facts that this person doesn't like you. And all you're doing is you're taking the past experiences and projecting onto every person. And then you cannot be shocked when at the end of it, you keep saying, I knew I was right. No, baby, it's because then you're behaving in ways that could actually push someone away. Like texting 100 times, like getting mad that they didn't answer you. And instead of doing all that, I need you to learn to sit in the discomfort and start to understand what's really underneath it. Is it about a text or is it about you feeling abandoned because you're waiting for somebody else to validate you? This episode is sponsored by Lola Blankets. You guys know that Kobe is obsessed with his Lola bed. I'm obsessed with my Lola blankets. But now we have gotten my mama a Mother's Day gift. We bought her a Lola blanket and I have seen her wrapped around it in this house for the last two weeks and have now officially known that Lola is not just the best gift, it's also the best Mother's Day gift. The quality is truly game changing. They are known for their life changing softness. So Lola is the world's number one blanket. Crafted with ultra soft faux fur and a signature therapeutic four way stretch. Baby, it is insane and it is machine washable, it's double hemmed and built to last for years. It really is a truly meaningful long term gift for someone super special. And I know you might be saying h a blanket. Do I need another? Yes. Because until you have a Lola blanket, you don't know what comfort actually means. I have the large. It's perfect for cozying up. And then we have the extra large. And that is for me and tech guide to get all cozy with Kobe and baby. For a limited time, Our listeners get 40% off. Select Lola Blankets with Code Sabrina at checkout. Just head to lolablankets.com and use code Sabrina. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know we sent you you this Mother's Day wrap Mom in the everyday luxury of Lola Blankets. Of course I want to start to understand the neuroscience about all of this. And I know some of you need the brain science. So let's get into it. Your emotional brain is faster than your thinking brain. That's why they say for your amygdala to get fired, it can happen within like 0.0002 milliseconds. Whereas your prefrontal cortex actually takes about 10 to 15 times longer to activate. Which is why those core beliefs, those negative thoughts, are quicker than us having proof to other show otherwise. So neuroscientist Joseph Ledoux found that there are two pathways to the amygdala, the part of your brain that processes threat. One of them is called the low road. It goes straight from your senses to your emotional brain, completely bypasses the cortex, your thinking brain that is not involved. The pathway fires in about 12 milliseconds. The other route, the high road, actually goes through your thinking brain, but it arrives way later. Which is why we're trying to explain. Right? And this is also supported by another study that was done. And truly what this means for everything we just talked about, every ick, every trigger, every moment you react to someone, then five minutes later, you're like, what was that? Your shadow fired through the low road before your conscious mind even showed up. And then your thinking brain arrived late and started building a story. They were being dismissive. Then you're. They're too needy. Something just feels off. That story feels completely true because the feeling happened first, but the feeling came from the shadow, not from what was actually in front of you. You. And you got to remember, baby, your brain buries what you won't look at. So there was an a study done that did an FMRI study published in plus one. They put people who genuinely describes themselves as low anxiety, right. I'm fine. The I'm fine crowd. I'm fine into brain scanners. When these people looked at angry or threatening faces, their brain showed enhanced activations and emotion processing regions. Their nervous system was absolutely registering the threat. They just never let themselves consciously know about it. And here's the part that got me. Their memory for that threatening information actually dropped off within five days. The brain saw it, processed it, and then completely buried it. And so there is nothing wrong with you. So for anyone out there who genuinely believes that they've dealt with all their stuff, your brain might be telling a very different story. And that's not me trying to be an. That's actually the whole point. The shadow isn't something you can think your way through. It's measurable. It's in your brain and it's running whether you acknowledge it or not. Not. And that's why I will say this all day. You could do all the healing in the world. You can listen to all the books, you could do all this and all the podcasts. You could be in coaching for your whole life. But until you understand the unconscious, then your conscious brain is not going to be catching up, right? Not everything is. I understand it. I understand it. I know why. Sometimes it's a felt experience, sometimes it's feeling it in your body and saying, this is really uncomfortable, but I'm going to sit through it. This feels really weird, right? When I met Ryan, I could have very easily let the ex be like it. I'm not going to see this guy again. Again. But instead I was like, no, he didn't do anything to deserve that. I can get over a lot of these things. My mom always says, can it be changed? You're not going to change their morals, ethos and ethics. Next time you get thick, here's what I want you to ask. Can this behavior change? Can you change that? They have a Velcro wallet. Yeah, grow the up. Can you change the color of their car? You sure can. But can you change how they interact with people, their morals, ethos and ethics? If they're respectful, if they're reciprocal, if they're kind? No, you're not going to change that. So instead of looking at low effort, bypass the ick. Because oftentimes the ick is just a way to try to protect you from actually being seen and safe for who you actually are with somebody that would accept it. So, as always, baby, we got our tool of the week, right? What do you do with all of this? It's really important because like I was saying earlier, you can let the ick and all of Your shadow parts take over. But instead I want us to start to get curious about what's coming up for me. And the reason that I started with the ick in shadow work is because I think it's the, the quickest and easiest thing for us to recognize, right? It's a lot harder when you're in your day to day to start to notice all the shadow parts that are coming up. Even myself. I might, this might sound wild, but I was in the shower the other day. Time to get vulnerable. And we are making our first tire in my company. Like, this is huge for me. Like first full time employee outside of me and Ryan. That's, that's really scaring me. And I literally, I was taking a shower and I could hear my little like, we're going to lose everything. You're stupid. You don't have to make those right choices. I don't know if we're going to do anything right. I don't think anybody's going to be able to do this. You can't do this. And I literally had to stop and I put my hand on my heart and I said, girl, I hear you and I get it. Right? You're really scared because in the past when you've made decisions for yourself, there have been other people to let you know that it wasn't right. I've been making. I've been trying to make choices my entire life. And having people tell me that stupid and no one's gonna like it and not believe me. And then here I am years later to show them that they were wrong. But that little part of me didn't go away. And so that part of me was trying to protect me, right? Don't do any of this. Then you won't have to deal with getting hurt. And instead I sat there and I talked to her. I literally talked to myself and was like, baby, I get it. You're right, this is really scary. But can I show you all the precautions I've taken? We have this much money in the bank because this is actually going to protect us if, God forbid, this doesn't work. That's okay. We've put this in the contract to make sure that if this doesn't work, that's okay. We have this clause. And I literally had to just sit there. And then I felt it. And I just let myself for a minute cry and be scared and allowed myself. Because what that showed me was that my nervous system felt safe enough to allow me to access crying. Like, what do children do when they get scared they cry, they shake. That's their nervous system trying to regulate. So it's okay. You genuinely want to start making changes, Start to look at the way you talk to yourself. Do you talk to yourself like an. Do you talk to yourself like the people when you were younger talk to you? And then you wonder why you're not making any changes? So if you really want to allow those shadow parts to come out, then you've got to validate them, right? Yeah. Okay. There's a part of me that is really needy. It doesn't mean that the other person is responsible for this. This. It just means that that part had a lot of needs. And for years, I've been ignoring it. And I am so sorry. But I am here for you, and I'm so excited to show you all of these things that we get to do now together. That's how you are there for yourself. So I'm going to give you some steps. The first thing I want you to do with this is track the charge, not the content. So next time you feel a reaction that's way bigger than the moment, whether that's the ick on a date, a trigger with your partner or something that your parents said that sent you in a spiral, pause on the intensity itself, not the story you're telling about it, the charge. Because if the reaction is disproportionate to what happened, that shadow material. I've shared the story about Ryan. When I asked him to do something, he said no. I started getting really dysregulated. The pinch didn't match the ouch. I was having this huge reaction. It's the same thing with the texting again. Somebody doesn't text you, and that's it. You're crying hysterically, and it's like. That has nothing to do with this. Then the question that actually opens something up is, what quality is this person showing me that I made wrong in myself, myself, that I'm not a priority? Am I prioritizing myself that I feel abandoned? Am I abandoning myself right now, Right, on a date that might look like I got the ick because they're really open about liking me? Or did I decide that being open about wanting something and someone is pathetic in a relationship? Right. That could look like I just completely lost my. Over something small. The rage I felt was not about the thing. What was this actually about? What did it remind me of? That's the first thing. Name it. Where is it in your body? Okay. Sit with it. Then name the quality, not the behavior shift from they triggered Me to. I'm watching someone be needy right now, and it's activating something in me because at some point I decided that being needy was the worst thing I could be. The behavior on the surface isn't just the surface. The quality underneath it is the shadow. And this works across the board. Whether your partner. I'm furious they're not prioritizing me. And I need to look at where I stopped prioritizing myself with family. This controlling behavior is setting me off because I've disowned my own needs for control. That's okay with friends. I'm jealous. And that jealousy is pointing directly at something I want for myself but won't give myself permission to actually have. Or I don't believe that I can actually have it and then say it out loud. Both of those studies that I shared on projection show this process runs completely outside your awareness. And the only way to interrupt something unconscious is to drag it into the conscious. So say it out loud to your partner, to your friend, to your fucking self, your therapist, whoever. I think I just made that about something. It was doesn't. Or I think the reason that bothers me so much has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. One sentence like that can completely change the trajectory of a conversation because you just took your shadow out of the driver's seat. This isn't about shame and blame, baby. The shadow isn't the enemy. It's just every part of you that's been waiting for you to come back for it. And everything we talked about today, why the ick might be lying to you, why your partner triggers you in ways that don't make logical sense, why you keep showing up as someone you don't fully recognize. That's one piece of something so much bigger. Guys, my book comes out in October. It's called why Am I Like this? And yeah, it goes into all of this significantly more. Not just in your love life, in every relationship, whether it be your family, your friendships. The one you have with yourself. Today was one door. The book to me is the whole House. You guys could pre order it right now on Amazon and I'm so grateful and excited. We also have the courses if you guys need. If you want to understand deeper and understanding your levels. Right. The reason that I created the course is it gives you a blueprint, an actual rubric of like week one, week two, week three. Here are the steps. Not just a podcast episode that for an hour you feel really great, then you go back and do the same. So whatever you guys need please know it's there. And send this to someone who needs it. Send it to your friend that always gets the ick, that needs to hear it's not about them. And if you're always finding a problem with people, then we gotta look at the internal state. Because it's not doesn't mean every single person has an issue, but you don't have any. So everybody else has to be perfect, but not you, baby. That's not how that works. And that's why I think this episode will be super beneficial. Because I think a lot of us have, when we meet the nice person, we're like, nope, not as interesting. Hi, it's me. I used to do that. And I think your shadow, the shadow parts of you need you, the parts of yourself that you are so embarrassed to show that you believe are the problem, are usually going to be what we find in other people. So if you want to start accepting other people, I need you to start accepting yourself. My angel, I'm so proud of you. Thank you for being here. Thanks for letting me talk to you for 30 minutes and I love you guys. Don't forget to write and review the show. Share it with a friend. Market is finished. In case you don't listen to all of them, that helps me out. And thank you for being here and being part of this family in this community. And I am so fucking grateful to have every single one of you in here. Until next time, my angels. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the Same premium wireless for 15amonth Plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full terms@mint mobile.com.