204: Stop Trying to Be Picked. Start Picking Yourself. (Live Coaching)

Summary

The Sabrina Zohar Show
Episode 204: Stop Trying to Be Picked. Start Picking Yourself. (Live Coaching)
Date: May 15, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this special episode — the first ever live coaching session on The Sabrina Zohar Show — Sabrina sits down with her friend Judit Moreno. Together, they take a raw, deep dive into Judit’s journey through attachment styles, relationship patterns, and the deep wounds (especially parental) that have shaped her anxious approach to dating. This episode offers listeners a front-row seat to the work required to shift from anxiously chasing validation (“being picked”) to actively choosing oneself. With vulnerability, humor, and practical insights, Sabrina and Judit unpack how childhood dynamics echo into adult relationships — and how to build a new, empowered narrative.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Cultural Differences and “Intensity” in Relationships

• Judit, originally from Barcelona, shares her observations on the contrasts between Spanish warmth and American reserve in dating.
  • “I think Spanish culture in general tends to be a little more warm. We are more welcoming in a sense.” (Judit, 04:05)
  • Both discuss how U.S. cities respond to openness — New York felt accepting, LA less so, with Judit often called “intense.”

2. Anxious Attachment & the Origin Story

• Judit describes how anxious attachment manifests:
  • Hyper-fixation on texting and reassurance.
  • Spiraling thoughts — “Why doesn't this person want to be with me?” leading to sleep and appetite disruptions.
  • “My brain would just go everywhere and create all these different scenarios… I was like, wow, I have to do something about this.” (Judit, 07:08)
• The root: her father’s emotional distance and abusive household environment.
  • “My dad was always very distant… I had to be like, hello, I’m here. Love me?” (Judit, 09:38)
  • The impact of constantly vying for parental attention surfaces later in anxiously seeking partners’ validation.

3. Recognizing and Repeating Patterns

• Judit consistently gravitated to emotionally unavailable men who mirrored her father’s detachment.
• Love-bombing, mixed signals, and self-blame became her dating script.
  • “I always have this thing — would I blame myself all of the time?... I was the only one that had the power to get out of that situation if I didn’t like it.” (Judit, 08:34)
• Therapy revealed the subconscious “scripts” repeating in her romantic life.

4. Mind-Body Connection and Dating Anxiety

• Judit describes how anxiety is not only a mental experience but a physical one:
  • “It’s like a knot that I felt in my stomach… I wouldn’t be hungry… It robs you of your life at that point.” (Judit/Sabrina, 12:00)

5. Shifting the Narrative: From “Being Picked” to “Picking”

• Through self-work, Judit realizes the importance of reclaiming power in dating.
  • “Before I wanted to be picked and now I wanna pick, which I think is a little different.” (Judit, 15:35)
  • Now, she seeks reciprocity and shared effort instead of chasing those who withhold.
  • Sabrina: “It’s reciprocal, right? It’s like a tennis match. You serve the ball, they serve the ball…” (16:41)

6. Toxic Relationships: Gaslighting and Loss of Self

• Judit opens up about a toxic ex who manipulated, lied, and cheated — further stirring old wounds of self-blame and uncertainty.
  • “He started to… make up arguments… so he could leave the house and for me to after find out he was cheating.” (Judit, 20:00)
  • Gaslighting compounded Judit’s struggle to trust herself, echoing her childhood.

7. The Role of Parents: Learning to Trust Oneself

• Sabrina helps Judit connect current struggles to both parental figures:
  • Her mom’s overprotection and denial (“Everything’s fine”) made Judit question her own reality and normalize chaos.
  • Sabrina: “Your mom taught you not to trust yourself… you’re not seeing this correctly, this is normal, this is love.” (24:28)
  • The compulsion to control is an attempt to feel safe: “Control gives you safety.” (Judit/Sabrina, 26:29)

8. Inner Child Work: Reparenting and Compassion

• Sabrina guides Judit through an exercise of addressing her “little self” — the wounded child who internalized blame.
  • Sabrina: “I am so sorry that I did to you what dad did. Because every time you self abandon to try to keep someone… you are doing to that little what other people did.” (29:03)
  • Judit realizes the importance of not gaslighting oneself and instead offering compassion and space for authentic expression.

9. The Identity of the “Struggler”

• Judit struggles to envision herself without a struggle — relationships, work, or otherwise.
  • Sabrina identifies learned helplessness: “Your identity has always been, ‘I’m the one that struggles and I’m the one that’s a problem.’” (40:03)
  • The challenge now is to consciously choose self-focus from an empowered, not wounded, place.

10. Shifting Shame to Acceptance

• Judit wrestles with the idea of being “too much” — needing attention, talking a lot, feeling “needy.”
  • Sabrina flips the script: “Are you too needy or are you just shaming yourself for having a need?” (34:06)
  • Emphasizes that needs are valid, not evidence of being “too much.”

11. Recovering from Betrayal and Reclaiming Worth

• The ex’s cheating (including with a transgender person) introduced complex feelings about “femininity” and worth.
  • “I felt like I was not enough. I felt like I was not a woman. Does that make any sense?” (Judit, 46:58)
  • Sabrina reframes: “Is it actually that you're not enough of a woman, or is it that everything is viewed through it has to have been my fault?” (47:28)
  • Time and self-work helped Judit gain perspective, though old habits of self-shame still surface.

12. The Ongoing Journey: Healing Never Truly "Ends"

• Sabrina closes by reinforcing that inner work is continual, not a one-and-done fix.
  • “Doing the work doesn’t stop. Healing isn’t that... after a session you’re gonna be like, oh, that’s it. What it is is just an awareness of going, hey, look over here. And you see a shadow you didn’t see before.” (Sabrina, 52:13)
• Judit expresses a desire for more self-compassion and to give her “little self” the love never received as a child.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On dating anxiety:
  “When someone wouldn’t text me in a period of time, my brain will spiral… I always thought I was doing something wrong even though nothing was happening.”
  — Judit (07:08)

• On wanting to be chosen:
  "I was always trying to get his [dad’s] attention in any way... every time I now think about the kind of men that I attracted, it was always men that kind of acted like my dad, where I always had to be like, I'm here. Do you see me?"
  — Judit (09:38)

• On self-blame:
  “That part of you, the one that was saying maybe it’s me—whose voice is that?”
  — Sabrina (22:28)

• On needs versus being “too much”:
  “Are you too needy or are you just shaming yourself for having a need?”
  — Sabrina (34:06)

• On healing and reparenting:
  “You get to protect your little in ways no one ever did.”
  — Sabrina (52:00)

• On the ongoing process:
  “I think that you are a prime example — doing the work doesn’t stop. It doesn’t end. No one’s better or worse. It’s just a different part.”
  — Sabrina (52:13)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Cultural/dating differences: 03:28–05:15
• Anxious attachment behaviors: 06:13–08:34
• Origins in childhood & parental influence: 09:26–12:26
• From “being picked” to “picking”: 15:35–16:48
• Toxic relationship & gaslighting: 20:00–22:00
• Parental roles—trust & reality: 23:17–25:12
• Inner child work & compassion: 29:03–31:58
• Struggle as identity, learned helplessness: 38:28–40:31
• Reframing “neediness” and self-acceptance: 34:06–42:20
• Transgender infidelity, femininity & self-worth: 46:36–48:27
• The ongoing nature of healing: 52:00–53:01

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Takeaways

• Self-abandonment and seeking external validation are rooted in early childhood patterns; healing requires turning inward and lovingly reparenting oneself.
• Needs are not weaknesses—they are part of human connection; shame around having needs is learned.
• “Doing the work” is continuous. Progress happens in self-awareness, self-compassion, and reclaiming one’s narrative.
• It's possible to move from seeking to be “picked” to being someone who knows they're already worthy — and who chooses, not just waits to be chosen.

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For anyone navigating anxious attachment, dating burnout, or the quest for self-worth, this episode offers both catharsis and a toolkit for healing — complete with moments of laughter, realness, and actionable insights.

Transcript

[Judit Moreno]

What they did to your family. You're lucky to make it out alive. Streaming on Peacock.

[Sabrina Zohar]

These men are going to come after me.

[Judit Moreno]

Taking them out.

[Sabrina Zohar]

It's my only chance.

[Judit Moreno]

Put a bullet in her head. From the co creator of Ozark.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Looks like a family was running drugs execution style killing. It's rare for the Keys. Any leads on who they might have been running for?

[Judit Moreno]

The cartel killed my family.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm gonna kill them.

[Judit Moreno]

Awesome, Mia.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Streaming now only on Peacock. Ready to soundtrack your summer with Red Bull Summer All Day Play. You choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end dj, a road dog, or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day Play. Red Bull gives you wings. Visit red bull.com brightsummerahead to learn more. See you this summer. Why doesn't this person want to be with me? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Am I just doomed to fucking repeat the same issues over and over and over again and never actually get through it? A question I think a lot of us ask and something that I think most of us get stuck on is where did I learn this from? How old do I feel? And man, will I ever be able to break this? And today we're going to do just that. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your. Hello friends. Welcome back to a very, very special episode. This is our first live coaching episode. I'm so excited. I have a really good friend of mine, Judah is here and we are gonna have a really, really beautiful conversation where we get into the nooks and crannies and really start to understand it's not just one parent, but maybe it's a whole slew of an army as a kid that taught us all of these things that we just, frankly speaking, want to fucking let go of. And I'm so excited, guys. Thank you as always for being here. Please don't forget to rate and review the show. If you need anything, you can work one on one, ask a question, don't know, join one of the courses that we have, the art of going slow or the healthy dating foundation course. Everything is going to be at the link in show notes or sabrina zohar.com. don't forget to follow along on the socials at the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram. Sabrina, underscore Zohar on TikTok and Guys, thank you for being here. I know that, you know, for if you're new, I curse a lot. I speak really fast. I'm. I'm really sharp. You could slow the speed down. You could do ad free. You can choose your own adventure, or you could just be here. And I'm so grateful for that. And if it doesn't work for you, that's okay. If this is your last show, don't worry about it. But we are building a really strong community of feeling safe and feeling supported in the space that we're in. So I just ask for the same kindness that we give back. And please don't forget to show love, share it with a friend. And thank you for being here. Thank you so much for building the community with me. So without further ado, babes, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Hi, Judith.

[Judit Moreno]

Hi, love.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm so excited. I'm nervous, I'm scared. I have all the things, but I am so excited and stoked to have you. Welcome to the Sabrina Zohar Show.

[Judit Moreno]

Thank you so much. It's my pleasure to be here. I have followed you for so long and. And the fact that I'm here, I'm like, I know.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Well, when we became friends, and then we were like, wait. Cause, like, the number one thing we've been requested is please do a live coaching session. And I know that's wild because I'm so used to being private with that. And so we're opening it up today, my friends, and today you guys are gonna get the meat and potatoes. And so I have my iPad. I take notes when I do sessions. So if you guys just see me jotting down things, don't be surprised. But, Ms. Judith, before we get started, could you maybe just share a little bit about who you are, what you do, just so that the audience can feel a little bit more welcomed with you?

[Judit Moreno]

Sure. So I'm from Barcelona, Spain.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Barcelona.

[Judit Moreno]

Barcelona. My name is Judy Moreno and I am a brand ambassador and content creator. Basically everything that I do is based in fitness and wellness. So, yeah, I've been in the US now for 10 years. Moved here when I was 23, and I'm turning 34 in November, so it's been a ride, girl.

[Sabrina Zohar]

What have you seen as the biggest difference between Barcelona and the States specifically and especially in dating? I'm curious. Loaded question.

[Judit Moreno]

I think Spanish culture in general tends to be a little more warm. We are more welcoming in a sense. I'm not saying everybody, you know, like, of course there's Exceptions. But I feel like that was probably the shocking part for me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah.

[Judit Moreno]

Like, I had to, like, kind of keep myself more together when I moved here.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I know it's something people will write in, and they're like, I met someone who's Spanish, and they keep saying, love and baby and all this. And I'm like, I get it. And then people argue with me. They're like, but that's the culture. Like, yeah, but that doesn't mean that, like, we're used to that. I was like, you might be used to that, but it's okay to say I'm not. And I think that that's, like, a big jarring difference.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah, definitely. The amount of times I have been called intense. It's, like, quite insane.

[Sabrina Zohar]

When you were in New York, no. Was it more so here?

[Judit Moreno]

Actually, it was more in la, which I thought it was gonna be the opposite for some reason. But, no, I feel like in New York, people understood me better, and I kind of like. I, like, fit better there, which at first I thought it was gonna be the complete opposite because there's so many Spaniards here that, you know, I was like, I think I'm gonna. In la. No. Nope.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I found that I was talking to my therapist yesterday about it, where I was like, man, she said, do you feel like you're too much and speak too fast? And I said, no, actually, thanks to the people that review that. That tell me I do. I said, that's when I started learning about it. I was like, it wasn't until I moved to la, where people kept talking about my speed of voice, and I was like, I've been in New York for 12 years. No one said anything. Or when I started creating content publicly with people, everybody telling me their opinion of things that I started to realize, like, oh, okay, then I'm different.

[Sponsor/Advertisement Voice]

All right.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Different doesn't mean bad. But I just had to come to the realization, like, you're. You don't fit in everywhere. And so that's. That's for another day, but. Okay. I usually start anytime I even have a. A client, anytime I even have a session. Usually what I start with is, why are we here? What brought us here today? Now, I know that you and I are a little different, but I wanted to just be able to kind of notate and jot down. What are you starting to notice in your dating life? What are. Something. Whether it be a problem that you're facing, what are you starting to notice? That maybe we could start to identify some patterns.

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, attachment. Okay, That's Definitely one. A lot of anxiety, attachment, for sure. I will say it has to do with my dad first. 1,000%, which is things. These kind of things. I'm noticing now that I'm an adult and after, like, obviously going to therapy. But at first it was very, like, unknown and very confusing for me because I was like, why am I so different? Like, why am I so weird? Like, why am I like this? And why always, like, men that I date are telling me that I'm, like, too much. Right. And I was kind of punishing myself for that. I was like, why am I so strange? Like, what's. What's wrong with me? But I see it so different now.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Can you share a little bit more? I'm curious one, because you said attachment and anxiety. What did that look like for you while you were dating? How did that manifest?

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, when someone wouldn't text me in a period of time, my brain will spiral in a way where I will be like, oh, my God, this person doesn't like me anymore. Oh, my God, this person doesn't want to be with me anymore. Like, why did I do. Like, I always thought I was doing something wrong, even though nothing was happening. And maybe that person was totally fine with me. It was not, you know, but my brain would just go everywhere and create all these different scenarios where I was like, wow, there's. I have to do something about this. Like, this is an issue for me. Yeah. And I will, like, not be able to eat, not be able to sleep, not be able to go to work, not be able to do my regular things because of my brain going a thousand miles per hour.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Dysregulated. Yeah.

[Judit Moreno]

And it's hard.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Hard is an understatement. But I am curious because obviously, like, I think most of the people listening right now can relate of, like, feeling like you're too much, feeling like you're not enough, feeling like there's something wrong with you. Like, fundamentally flawed. That was at least my narrative. But when you started to notice that and you started to see the behavior, what did that look like in dating for you? Like, okay, so you were spiraling, but then how were you showing up with the people that you were dating? And what were you starting? What were you dating? Were you dating emotionally unavailable? Were you dating the people that were playing games? Were you dating people that were honest that you weren't into? Like, what did that look like for you?

[Judit Moreno]

Mostly unavailable, emotionally available. For sure. 1,000%. And people that would, like, probably say one thing but do the exact opposite of what they were saying, like, the love bombing, you know, at first, oh, my God, they like you so much. They really want to be with you. They give you all their time, and then all of a sudden they start being busy or not having that much time for you or like, oh, my God, I was busy. That's why I didn't text you in six hours. And I was like, okay, so, you know, is it me? Is it the person I'm seeing? Like, who? Who is it? Right. And again, I always have this. This thing. Would I blame myself all of the time? I don't want to call it playing the victim, but in a sense, yes, I was kind of playing the victim because I was the only one that had the power to get out of that situation if I didn't like it.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right. You know, those are the choices that we're making. But. Okay, so you started therapy, and you said, you mentioned it was your dad. Could you share a little bit more about, like, what did that look like? What was your childhood? What was your upbringing? What was your relationship to him?

[Judit Moreno]

Yes. So my dad was abusive towards my mom since I was a kid, even before I was born. So this was a very big thing for me because, of course, the first people that you see that you have contact with are your parents. Right. And the way they love each other. The way they love you is the first thing that you see. Right. My dad was always very distant where, like, he will give me a little bit of time, but I always felt like I had to be like, hello, I'm here. Love me? Why don't you pay attention to me? Why don't you play with me? Like, he was always like, don't bother me. I'm tired. Don't bother me. I just got out of work. Don't bother me. I'm watching tv. So to me, I was always trying to get his attention in any way, whatever it was. So I realized as a kid that he was not there for me in that sense. And also, like, the arguments that he had with my mom constantly and all of that were creating, like, this huge anxiety inside me. And it was very hard as a kid because I saw other friends of mine having this great relationship with their dad and, like, going to play and all of these things. And I was like, why? Why not me? Right. So, yeah, from there, I feel like every time that I now think about the kind of men that I attracted, it was always men that kind of acted like my dad, where I always had to be like, I'm here. Do you see Me. And I didn't notice until, of course, started therapy, where they were like, do you see, like, any similar, you know, stuff in between that? And I was like, oh, my gosh, yes, totally. Which is insane. And I remember also asking you stuff at a certain point when I was like, I think I'm losing it.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Like, yeah, when you were, like, obsessive over a half ugly medium guy that was just, like, so not so out of your league. It was like, palpable that this guy couldn't even hold a conversation, but yet you wanted him to pick you. Yep, totally got that. I'm curious when those moments happen and you start to feel like, I really want them to choose me. I really want them to pick me. Were you feeling that in your body or was it mostly conscious in your head?

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, I was feeling it in my body as well.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Where were you feeling it?

[Judit Moreno]

Mostly, like, my anxiety and like, my. It's like a nut that I felt in my. My stomach where, like, even eating or anything like that will become impossible. I wouldn't be hungry. I wouldn't be wanting to, like, go out with my friends or, like, even go to work or even drive to, like, go on a hike, which are things that I normally love doing. Yeah, I was not able to do regular things.

[Sabrina Zohar]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay, so you've done so much work on yourself. Like it's very clear that you've understood and everything. Obviously prior to doing the work, you started to notice that the similarities were like, I keep dating the same type of person. This person's making me feel the same that I felt with my dad. That, that, that, that, that. Right. I think it's a narrative a lot of us understand. But now. Right. You know all of that. How has your dating life been going?

[Judit Moreno]

Honestly, lately I have been keeping it to myself.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay.

[Judit Moreno]

A lot.

[Sabrina Zohar]

This is a perfect place for us to keep it to yourself. Yeah.

[Judit Moreno]

Right. I have been a little bit more like, you know, I'm just gonna focus on myself for a little bit. I think that the way that I approach things now is very different because I look for different things. Before I wanted to be picked and now I wanna pick, which I think it's a little different.

[Sabrina Zohar]

That's very different.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah. Now I'm more like, I want to be with someone that really teaches me something and that really wants to share things with me. I don't want to be with someone that I have to literally chase all the time or be like, oh, my God, yeah, what are you doing today? Like, I felt like in the past, I always was, like, me, like, making the plans. I was making the plans by myself, literally. And then the person will probably take, like, two days to even tell me if they actually wanted to hang out or if they were free or whatever. And now it's like, no. They. They're supposed to be the ones that ask, really, you know, that text me and tell me, hey, do you want to hang out? At least at first, right? Like, it's got to be a little bit.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Push and pull.

[Judit Moreno]

Pull and push.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Push and pull.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah, push and pull.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Well, it's reciprocal, right? It's like a tennis match. You serve the ball, they serve the ball. Like, I want to hang out. You want to hang out. It feels like you both are active.

[Judit Moreno]

Exactly. And I just. I just feel like at this moment, I just want to focus on me and, like, the things that I want to do, the things that I don't want to do, I'm not. Like, I wouldn't say I'm actively looking for somebody. If it happens, it happens. But I'm fine by myself for now.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay. And it's interesting because you and I, we have a mutual friend, and I've spoken. Friend is such a loose term. He's not my friend. He might be your friend. I've spoken about him on the show, obviously, in private. Like, I will never, ever give away anybody's identity because, you know, you act like a dick. I don't need to fucking promote that out in the public. But I remember, just every time it's funny, I would see you guys, I would see him talking to you at the gym, and in my head, I would always be like, oh, does he like that more? And I remember just sitting there, abandoning. And that's before I knew you. That was before you and I had ever even connected. I didn't even. I didn't even know your name. I just knew that you were the pretty girl at the gym. I mean, it was. It was a. It's a gym that there was a lot of pretty people. But I just remember sitting there, and instead of sitting, going, wow, okay, this person's not showing up in the ways that I need. This doesn't work for me. I would try to understand. Maybe he likes this more. Okay. Maybe they want someone that's more active. Maybe they like somebody that's more this, maybe they like this, maybe they like that. And self abandoning to a point where that just felt like home. Right? Everything was, let me figure out why they do this and why do they do that instead of sitting and saying, but does that work for me? And when I made that shift, Holy. Everything started to change. But my next kind of question goes to you, okay, so you're not dating right now. You're taking the time for you. I'm curious, did that come and. And it could be a yes. And did that come from a place of empowerment or did that come from a place of wounding of I'm not meeting anybody that I like right now, so I'm just gonna be alone or was it, hey, I'm actually realizing that, I don't know that I want a relationship in that capacity or whatever. Like what prompted you? What led you to say, I'm gonna take some time alone? It's a beautiful place to be. But I'm curious, what brought you there?

[Judit Moreno]

Honestly, my last relationship was so toxic that I will say it comes from empowerment where I was like, you know what, I need to heal myself. I need to be alone for a little bit. And I honestly feel so at peace right now that I don't wanna change that unless it's for someone that really deserves to come in my life.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Can we talk more about the toxic relationship that you had? Because obviously that led us to where we are. But I think a lot of people could probably learn where you were at one point. And Lord knows I've had my fair share of toxic relationships. It's funny, you know, you watch the shows and you see those, especially the toxic ones, we keep going back to each other and then they leave. We keep, I never had the keep going back to each other. I had the, you're not healthy for me and I'm self abandoning to try to keep you. But I think I was so anxious that they just like weren't interested in me or, you know, my early, early 20s, fine, they just wanted to fuck. But can you share a little bit more about your toxic relationship? Because I mean, even for me, like, I think it's interesting to learn patterns. And I'm now even as we're talking, I'm like, this is becoming less of a coaching session and more a learning session because you have done so much work that I'm still intrigued to see what's left. So could you share a little bit more about what that toxic looked like?

[Judit Moreno]

Of course. Where should I start? Okay, so I met this person through mutual friends, which I thought, great. You know, my friends kind of know this guy, so he might be actually good. Like, you know, they were all like, oh, yeah, we've seen him before. He's such a sweet person. I was like, great. So, okay. So he asked me to hang out, and I was like, sure, we hang out. Everything was fine. Like, he seemed complete normal person. Right. Like, at first I feel like everybody seems normal, but whatever. And then little by little, I started to, like, have this, like, anxious feeling in. In my stomach. And I didn't know exactly what I was getting that feeling for or what it would. What it was coming from. Right. And he was very affectionate and very sweet until he wasn't. So he started to, like, lie about everything and anything that you can imagine, but at the same time, gaslighting and making me think that I was crazy and making things up. Literally. This story is crazy because he used to. He used to literally just make up arguments. Just wake up in the morning and try to find something to argue about so he could leave the house and for me to after find out he was cheating.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So he set you up?

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah. So we dated. It wasn't a long relationship. It was a year and a couple of months. He started cheating on me on month three.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay. And you had no idea?

[Judit Moreno]

Nope.

[Sabrina Zohar]

He was just good at hiding it.

[Judit Moreno]

Yep.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And also. Well, and I would imagine because if you had the insecurities and you were feeling like you're too much, then him gaslighting you, you're like, oh, maybe I am. And you start to question your own reality.

[Judit Moreno]

Correct. I remember asking him one time, hey, are you cheating on me? Because if you are, I will much rather for you to tell me, like, no. Are you crazy? I will never do that to you. How can you think that about me? That was like, his answer. And I was like, you know, maybe it's me because I have so many insecurities and I'm like, such a. Yeah. Insecure person and all of that. That maybe it's me. It's gotta be me, right? No, it was not me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Me. I'm curious. Before we even go on with the story, that part of you, the one that was saying, maybe it's me. Whose voice is that?

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah. You touch something over there?

[Sabrina Zohar]

Of course. Whose voice was that? Like, how old was that voice?

[Judit Moreno]

I think it probably was, like, a very young judit in there.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And what do you think for her to say it was me? How do you think she was protecting you by doing that?

[Judit Moreno]

I think probably it had to do with, again, my. My dad. Probably the times where, like, you know, he was being mean to my mother and I was like, oh, maybe it's because of me. Maybe I am the one that has something to do with this, you know? So, yeah, now that you say that, it could have actually come from there.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And also, too, we have to remember even, yeah, your dad impacted you in that way, but what did your mom do, right? How did your mom console you? Did your mom tell you, hey, it's dad. It's not you. You didn't do anything. It's like. Or, you know. Cause we so focus sometimes on one parent. But, like, what was the other parent? What was your mom's role in this whole thing? It's not that anything is her fault, but how did she show up for you?

[Judit Moreno]

My mom was very overprotective of me, which led to probably her trying to make me feel like the situation was not there in a sense, like she was trying to make it seem like, no, but, you know, this is happening now, but it's. Everything's fine. Like, after this, we'll be fine. Everything's okay. But it was not okay. No, it keeps repeating for years and years to the point where I was like, well, you know, it's just another day at home. Like, if there was an argument and my dad was like, literally throwing plates on the. It was just another day.

[Sabrina Zohar]

It's a Tuesday.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah, exactly. When it became normal for me to be seeing them yelling at each other or for me seeing my dad pushing my mom, like, for me, it was like, it's just another day at home.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Well, you know, it's interesting because we focus so heavily on the one, right? Your dad taught you to be with people that dismiss you and that, you know, they don't have space for you. But your mom taught you not to trust yourself. Because then when her voice comes in of like, maybe I'm making this up, right? That's the little who was taught that. Because your little was taught, you're not seeing this correctly. This is normal. This is love. Don't worry about it. Because why, as a kid, you couldn't comprehend anything differently. What were you going to do? Pack your bags and leave? But I think it's interesting that that little voice is trying to protect you by saying, maybe it's you, and maybe you made something up. Maybe it's all of this. But I would still ask the same question. How do you think by giving you that voice, what do you think that role is? Protecting you? How big I have it in my head, but I'm curious to see if it connects.

[Judit Moreno]

How do I think the voice was protecting me? Probably, like, I think maybe like, oh, this is okay. This is fine. This is normalizing.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah, yeah, normalizing. And I also think, because if you can say it's you, then there's the perception of control, right? If it's me and it's my fault, well, then if I just change, then this won't keep happening. And as a kid, especially when that's what you see, right? It's not that your mom did anything wrong to hurt you. She didn't do that to be like, oh, I hope that this ruins her life. But in her mind, it was maybe if I just don't stress her out and don't tell and just. It's fine. Everything's okay. Go back to your room. We're gonna be okay. You also won't worry about your mom. You wouldn't have to become the parentified child that has to worry about mom and dad and you. Because who's taking care of you? Who's taking care of Judit if both of the parents are not able to take care of you? And so I also could totally see how then you would date somebody that would discredit you, that would put you down, that wouldn't be there. And then why did your little do that? Because she sees if I change, maybe I can get them to change. Because if it's always my fault, well, then I'm the one that's in control of that.

[Judit Moreno]

That's so accurate, actually, because now you're saying it, and that's true. I was always trying to be like. I was always trying to have control over everything. Because then it feels like. It's more like I feel secure.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I was gonna say, what does control give you?

[Judit Moreno]

Safety. Yeah, exactly. I feel safe. Like, okay, this is. I can control it. So I can change how I am, and maybe this person will accept me if I change and I'm like, more, I don't know. Because I had no idea what he actually wanted or if he even wanted me. Right. But it made me feel is exactly what you said. It make me feel in control to a certain degree. So, yeah, I totally agree with what you just said. That's insane. I've never thought about it that way, though.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm curious, too. Did your dad cheat on your mom?

[Judit Moreno]

I don't know.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah, it's not 100%.

[Judit Moreno]

My dad was also doing drugs and drinking and let me just also say, like, he's Never not taking care of me financially. That.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I think that's also. That's a very. Like, my dad's the same. They look at it as, well, if I took care of you financially, then I took care of you. I'm the parent. And so, sure, that gives an element. But then that's also still conditional because as a kid, you learn, okay, well, I have to do well. I have to behave in the way that you want for me to be taken care of. Thanks for paying for everything. But could that go away? What about the parent? What about the. Because a child, your frittata brain, right. You're seven years old, doesn't understand. Oh, don't worry, you have a roof over your head. You're fine. As an adult, we're like, oh, thank God, I could pay rent. But as a child, it wouldn't shock me then that all of this, like, especially we were saying, I'm so anxious, I can't sit still. Because also, why, like, did you ever find yourself fantasizing a lot? Yes. In relationships? Yes. Because look at the household you had. Fantasizing kept you safe. Fantasizing is how you could escape the reality of maybe one day this is going to happen. And so then, of course, when we're dealing with. You're dealing with toxic. What does toxic mean? This is my dad. So then one day it will get better. Because if I change and I fix and I make them happy, then I'll have the life that I want. Because that's what we believe. Now, I'm curious, that voice, do you think. Does she still come out? We'll get back to the toxic story, but let's stay here for a second. Does that voice still come out?

[Judit Moreno]

Sometimes.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And what do you think? If she were sitting here right next to us, cute little Judit, and she was looking at you saying, it's all my fault and everything's my fault and I fuck up and everything I do. Right. Whatever. Whatever her narrative is, what do you think she would need to hear? There's no right or wrong answer.

[Judit Moreno]

She will definitely need to hear. No, that's not true. You literally, you didn't do anything wrong.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay?

[Judit Moreno]

You just didn't have what you needed there for.

[Sabrina Zohar]

You valid. Now, let me ask you a question. If you walked in and I said, how are you feeling? And you said, I feel like everything's my fault, and I don't know. And I said, you're fine. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything, would you feel supported in that way? Would you Feel dismissed.

[Judit Moreno]

I might feel hurt, but not really understood, right?

[Sabrina Zohar]

Not heard. So then maybe what your little needs to hear is, I am so sorry that I did to you what dad did. Because every time you self abandon to try to keep someone, every time you go out of every time you externally leave to keep someone in your life, you are doing to that little what other people did. Because when they say I'm too much, what you're saying is you're right. And so maybe she needs to hear, I'm so fucking sorry and I never meant to hurt you intentionally, but that doesn't mean anything because you got hurt. And so what do you need from me? And now hearing that, right, Even just saying that, like, how does that feel?

[Judit Moreno]

It feels so good, right? It feels like I'm supported and actually heard.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So if I can ask her, what would she need for her to retire that narrative and maybe bring a new one, right? What would she need from me or you or us to believe that she is actually working, worthy and deserving of more?

[Judit Moreno]

Wow, that's a very hard question.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I got some ideas, but I'm curious what comes up for you?

[Judit Moreno]

I think she will need to get strong in a way of like trusting herself and believing in herself because she's stronger than she thinks for sure, as well as maybe like be more secure.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So I think those are all beautiful ideas, but they're too ethereal, right? What does that look like tangibly? Does that look tangibly like you stop speaking to yourself like an asshole? Does that look tangibly like you saying, given everything I've been through, it makes total sense that I'd feel this way? Does that look like you taking a breath before reacting and so that you could actually respond, like, what is she craving? Does she crave being authentically herself without feeling judged? So then that means that we need to give her the space to do that. And so I'd be curious what does it look like for her to show up more securely? Because if she's not secure in who she is, she doesn't trust it. She thinks that she's the person problem, then what does she actually need from you as the adult now in the room? And maybe that just means space to be herself. But do you actually allow her to be authentically her or do you still judge and shame her for at one point causing issues?

[Judit Moreno]

I do still kind of judge her at times in a sense of like, oh, maybe I could have done something different there, or I should have done something different here. But of course it's what you Said, right? Like, at the end of the day, I was just a kid.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah, you were just a kid. And I'd be curious when you say that I was just a kid, there's nothing I could have done. Does she believe you?

[Judit Moreno]

No.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right. Because sometimes we gaslight ourselves, right? Especially when we're like, no, I'm fine.

[Sponsor/Advertisement Voice]

Right.

[Sabrina Zohar]

99.9% of the people that I ask, what do you think they need to hear? I'm fine. You're okay. You're gonna be okay. But if that were the case, then all of us would be fine right now. Because if we genuinely believed that. But your nervous system was wired around chaos is love. I have to earn it, and that's how I'm going to be safe. And so I'm curious now, if she sees something healthy, would she be able to receive that in the way? Because does she actually believe she's deserving of it?

[Judit Moreno]

Honestly? I think so. It might feel weird. It might make her question a lot of things like, oh, is this how I supposed to feel? Oh, this is. You know what? Actually, I have had, like, a little bit of that feeling where, like, I was like, oh, is this, like, I don't feel any anxiety? That's weird. Oh, I don't have to ask this person for this or that they're actually giving it to me. Well, that's so weird. Oh, there's no, like, misunderstandings in a sense. Like, you know, we're like regular things that before, we're like, my God, this is crazy. Now he's like, oh, okay, maybe this is how it's supposed to feel.

[Sabrina Zohar]

You know, I'm curious. I'm going to bounce back because you said something in the beginning. I've always felt like I'm too much. Which part feels too much? I want to defuse. Because you are not. Right? You as a whole person are not too much. Because if that were the case, no one ever would be around you. But what's the part of you that feels like it's too much?

[Judit Moreno]

Needy. That's the word that has always popped up. Oh, my God, you're so needy. Needy to me means that I need more attention than maybe some other person in a sense of like, oh, maybe I need for someone to text me more or call me. Call me more times or make plans with me more often or spend more time with me, which I thought it was normal.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay, I'm gonna challenge that. Not that you said anything wrong, but is it that you feel like you are too needy, or is it that you feel like you don't have the right to have needs.

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, wow, that's a good one.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Because too needy. There's. I can think parts of you, right? There is a definitely. Especially if you're like, I need you to call me every 20 minutes. It's like, okay, that's an unrealistic need. And that's not even a need, that's a want. Right. That's a desire for safety. But I think if, if it's constantly feeling like too much, like I had a narcissistic father, if you even so much as cried in front of him, he would hit you, he would walk out. He was incredibly abusive verbally and physically at times. And so I grew up going, you're. There's something wrong with you. Because even a fool fundamental need of can I have a hug? Was met with dismissal or, or something being an issue. And so I'll, I'll go back. Are you too needy or are you just shaming yourself for having a need?

[Judit Moreno]

I think I may be shaming myself for having a need because now that you said that my dad was exactly the same.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right.

[Judit Moreno]

Like every time I needed a hug, oh my God, now I can't do that now, like just go sit over there. And I was like, okay, well whatever.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So, yeah, because now how would anybody. Because that's the difference, right? When we set a boundary by saying no, that doesn't work for me. That's a need. Right. I need alone time. But if I feel guilty and don't think I'm deserving and worthy, then me saying I need alone time is because. Finish the sentence. You have a need and you express it. What are you scared of happening by having that need?

[Judit Moreno]

At the time I feel like I was scared of the person leaving.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah. Because needs equal, I'm too much and they're gonna leave me and I'm not enough. But then the irony is what we're so afraid of happening ends up happening because by playing the cool girl or guy, which doesn't exist, by the way, in case you haven't figured that one out by now, which I took me 33 years to figure out, the cooler girl or guy doesn't work out because we all fundamentally have needs. If you are somebody that doesn't speak up in a relationship, that doesn't tell somebody how you feel, that doesn't express a need, then you're self abandoning to either keep them in the relationship or keep yourself in the relationship by convincing yourself that you're happy. And so if we are feeling fundamentally broken or guilty for having a need. That's because somebody along the way taught you that that is not safe and that the boundary isn't safe to have. And now that's the work that we get to do is teaching ourselves. That was never the accurate saying. It was just that one person taught us that. And now I get to let them know that they're a goddamn liar. I love that this episode is sponsored by Tumble. I love my rug but when I had Clemmie, I couldn't have a rug in the house because lo and behold, when you have a dog and it's not the best thing. But that's why I love Tumble so much. Because now we have a rug that is not just machine washable, but it's also spill proof. And I tested that this past weekend when Ryan had planned a surprise birthday party for me. Everyone was drinking and laughing and having a great old time and it was like magic, right? Somebody spilled something on the rug and you literally just whoop wipe away spills in literally seconds. Plus when you need that deeper clean. Tumble rugs are fully machine washable, even the larger sizes. So you are always taken care of. They're made of non toxic materials, they're super stylish. I've got the checkerboard rug. I'm obsessed. Everything in my house is checkerboard. So of course I needed to. And you don't just have to take my word for it. There are hundreds of thousands of homes have already switched to tumble rugs and they have over 30,000 five star reviews. Machine washable rugs made better for a limited time only. Our listeners get 10% off and free shipping at Tumble. Living.comsABRINA that's T U M B living.comsABRINA after you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show the Sabrina Zohar show and tell them we sent you.

[Judit Moreno]

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[Sabrina Zohar]

Watch only on prime because anytime that voice comes in like that's why I was curious which one it was, you know. And then you said your mom was overprotective and I would imagine then because overprotective. What I hear from that is that she didn't really let you have your own identity because if she was constantly trying to protect you and hover over you, then you weren't given the space to be freely yourself.

[Judit Moreno]

Exactly. I feel like she was. She created this fantasy, in a sense, where I was in, so she could totally protect me from whatever was going on with my dad or situations or arguments or whatever, to the point where I was like, okay, well, it's safe here. Right? But I was not able to completely

[Sabrina Zohar]

be myself because your nervous system. Safe meant I'm not being abandoned. But safe didn't actually mean I could disarm, because, I mean, at least now I know feeling safe is really uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to do in that. When my partner is reciprocal, when the business is going well. Because who is Sabrina if she doesn't have to struggle?

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So I'm curious. Who is Judit if she doesn't have to struggle, if she doesn't have to worry that people are gonna leave her? Who is she now?

[Judit Moreno]

I honestly still struggle with that part.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Well, let's talk. Let's talk that part. Who does that part want to be?

[Judit Moreno]

It's so crazy that you mentioned this, because I always. I feel like I'm always struggling with something. If it's not relationship wise, it's work, even. If not, it's like, what am I gonna leave? And if not, it's just always something. So I don't know. Can you. I have no idea. I can even put myself in a situation, in a sense, because I feel like I'm always struggling with something.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay, what does struggling give you? What is that? What's that? What does that give you? You said it earlier, way earlier. And I'm curious if it'll come back, but what is always struggling?

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, man, now you're making me think

[Sabrina Zohar]

what I said before. What did I say? I feel like I said so many things. You said one word.

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, did I?

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah. I can say it again if you want.

[Judit Moreno]

Yes, please. Because now I want to know.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Makes you the victim.

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, gosh.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right. It's learned helplessness. Because if we're always struggling, then we can say, oh, I don't have the strength to pull myself out of this. Oh, I don't know what I'm doing. Because especially growing up, if you always wanted someone to come save you, then now we're always looking for the next person to save because it gives us a reason to keep going, as opposed to, oh, there's nothing wrong with me. There never has been. Oh, so I was just taught some bullshit because now who Do I get to be right? Do I get to be the person that believes in themselves? Do I get to be the person that, if someone says something mean that doesn't impact me? Do I get to be the person that genuinely doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with them and that they are fundamentally beautiful as they are? Because if I do that, then what happens? There's your identity.

[Judit Moreno]

Wow, that's crazy. I never even thought of that.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Your identity has always been, I'm the one that struggles and I'm the one that's a problem. But if we strip that away, because even now you said you're like, I'm gonna take time for myself and I'm gonna do my own thing. Well, but in that, then you are also inadvertently dropping that narrative. Because by you focusing on just yourself, there's no external that's gonna cause that.

[Judit Moreno]

Exactly. That's probably why I'm focusing just on myself.

[Sabrina Zohar]

That's why I was curious if you were focusing on yourself because it was a protective mechanism or because it comes from an authentic place.

[Judit Moreno]

I want to believe it's because it's coming from an authentic place. But of course I knew that you were gonna like, of course break me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Let me ask you. If it's coming from an authentic place, then how would you feel? Like, if you met somebody tomorrow, would you feel comfortable going out with them or do you feel scared about it?

[Judit Moreno]

I'll feel comfortable.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay.

[Judit Moreno]

I. I believe and I want to believe I will feel comfortable.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Good.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah.

[Sabrina Zohar]

More so just challenging it. Right. I think a lot sometimes we need a little tune up of like, no, no, no, no. This is a choice. And it's like, that's cool, right? You're allowed to be single as long as you want. You don't have to be in a relationship. But I think what's important is getting curious about our why. Not the why so that we can psychoanalyze ourselves, but so that we can make sure that that's coming from a choice. Because I think for a long time you didn't have a lot of choices. Growing up, you weren't given choices. And now you're an adult and you can say, mom's not gonna tell me what to do. Dad's not gonna tell me what to do. I'm gonna say that this is what I need right now. And I think that's really beautiful. And I wanna ask you another question. What parts of yourself do you not think are lovable?

[Judit Moreno]

Your questions.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Yeah. Well, I can answer for you if you need, but I want to hear your thoughts. I've got my own. Don't worry.

[Judit Moreno]

I'm gonna go back to the being too much.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay. What do you think is unlovable about that?

[Judit Moreno]

Maybe because, like, sometimes I talk too much or I express myself too much when it comes to feelings or things that I think. I have even felt that way with friends, with. It's not like my friends have ever made me feel that way, but, like, sometimes I'm. I'm like, am I talking too much? And maybe they think that I'm too intense. Am I, like, expressing my thoughts too much to them, like, or my feelings in that moment about whatever is going on in my life? So, like, it makes me feel like the. The too much part. Yeah. Is what?

[Sabrina Zohar]

Kind of like, no one's ever gonna love that.

[Judit Moreno]

Yeah.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay. Do you genuinely believe that you were too much or were you taught that you were too much?

[Judit Moreno]

I think it's a little bit of both.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Okay, fair.

[Judit Moreno]

I definitely was taught that I was too much because my dad always made me feel like I was asking for too much or needing too much from him for what he could give.

[Sabrina Zohar]

What's the other side of that, though? Right. So is there a way that we could also reframe? Right. So sure. Right. That's valued. I'll tell you my part. I think that anxiety part, no one's ever gonna love that part, because if my own dad couldn't love me in all of my different scenarios. But then on the other side, what does that also give me is I have, like, by me talking fast, that's. My brain works differently. I have superpowers that other people don't. I can be in a room and have seven different conversations coming at me and be able to teep all of them. Whereas Ryan, one track. If it's not one, he cannot. And he has different superpowers. So that one part that you think is not lovable, is there another way that we could view her? So she talks a lot, but what does that mean? She has a lot to say. She has a lot to offer. Because I get bored when people don't talk. I feel like I have to fill in this space.

[Judit Moreno]

Me too.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And so maybe it's also looking at that part because the parts of us that we hate, can't look at, don't want to love. Those are usually the parts that need us the most. Because what they're saying is, oh, well, if you hate me too, well, then you're like everyone else. But instead, I'd be curious because maybe we could look at that little girl and, like, give her a big fucking hug. Because she kept you safe by filling in the blanks, by allowing you to have a lot to talk about. She kept you safe so that you could keep going. Because no one was talking to you either. No one was telling you that. That is so true.

[Judit Moreno]

That is very true. Right? Yeah.

[Sabrina Zohar]

So I think it's valid. I think it's real. That you feel like no one's gonna love that part 100%. I understand that. But I also think that is there a world that we could hold both of those thoughts in confliction? Is that even a word? I don't know. But maybe we can have those two conflicting thoughts. That, yes, While some people might think that's too much, I don't.

[Judit Moreno]

That I love that you're saying that. That really is like, getting in there.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Cuz I don't think you're too much. I've never once thought you talk too much. Me? Please. That ship sailed a long time ago. But I think that's why I love this community so much, is because we can all let our freak flags fly, right? If I. If I say it every day. If I'm too much, go find less. If I talk too much, find another show. You don't like how much I curse, get bet if you don't like how I show up authentically, then that's okay. You don't accept me as I am. But that doesn't mean I need to keep you in my life.

[Judit Moreno]

But that's exactly why I love you.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Judit Moreno]

Because you are yourself from the get go. Since I met you, you've always been like.

[Sabrina Zohar]

But I'll be honest too. Do I still cry at night and think I'm too much? 100%. I'd be lying to you if I said that I just go into my room every night and I'm like, living on a fucking dream. No. I'll have times where some episodes don't do well. And I'm like, that's it. They're leaving me. That's not real. Right? But that doesn't mean that those core moments don't come back. It's what we do with them. Which is why I was asking. And I think it's so beautiful that you are building that relationship with your little. Because the last thing she needs is you to get rid of her. That's the last thing she needs. What she needs is for you to hold onto her so tight so that everyone you date, you throw it on the fucking table. Your Dick is out there. Like, it's. No, you're swinging it around town. Because when I met Ryan, I was. I was like, fuck it. What do I have to lose? This guy doesn't like me. No worries. There's plenty of people that don't. But then I found someone that really did like me, that kept showing up, because if I'm not okay with me, how can other people be okay with me?

[Judit Moreno]

That is so true.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm curious, like, for you, what is the version of you that you want to step into? What does she look like? Not physically, obviously, but you were good with the physical.

[Judit Moreno]

No, no.

[Sabrina Zohar]

She's more than enough. But what does she look like? Because you had toxic. You had your ex. He cheated on you. And one thing that we also didn't mention. I know the personal story. He didn't just cheat on you. He went with somebody who is transgender. And so at the end of the day, there was nothing you ever could have done to change that. Because he had desires that you physically cannot actually satisfy. The part of you, I'm sure, that wondered if there was something wrong with you and what you could have done differently, probably the same one with your dad. Does that part feel more hurt now, or does that part still come out? Because consciously, we can know there was nothing you could have done. But that doesn't mean you feel that.

[Judit Moreno]

I felt. Honestly, I felt so broken in so many different ways. I felt like I was not pretty at all. I felt like I was not enough. I felt like I felt like I was not a woman. Does that make any sense?

[Sabrina Zohar]

I understand it. It's a blind side, especially. I mean, listen, when somebody. It's the same with, like, if a. If you're heterosexual and you're dating someone, then they go for the same sex. It's like, that is something that you're like, oh, oh. There's literally nothing I could have done to change that. And that's okay. I. I want everyone to have their preferences. I just wish he would have been honest with you to tell you, hey, I'm seeking this so that you could have been like, got it. Totally makes sense. But I think hindsight. Is it actually that you're not enough of a woman, or is it that everything is viewed through. It has to have been my fault?

[Judit Moreno]

I think so. So I was like, oh, if he had to go find that, because maybe

[Sabrina Zohar]

I was not enough, which I understand where it can come from. But now if we put that thought on trial, are there any facts to back that up?

[Judit Moreno]

Actually, I even Remember having a conversation with him where I was like, hey, I respect whatever you like. I respect whatever, whoever likes, whatever. I don't. I don't care. But it's what you just said. I wish you would have told me because, like, now I. I don't know what to do with myself in a sense. Like, I was completely, like.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I was like, wow, he didn't give you a choice.

[Judit Moreno]

Exactly. Like I did. I couldn't even do anything about it. Like, I was like, can I talk to him about it? No. Because he kept on gaslighting me and telling me, no. It's actually not trans. It's actually a girl. So my brain was like, is it. Is it me? Am I not seeing this? Like, how it is? Like, it was so messy.

[Sabrina Zohar]

And that's conditioning because that's your childhood. Your dad doing something and your mom going, no, that's not at. No, no, no, everything's fine. So it wouldn't surprise me. No. But now is there any residual of that or do you feel like.

[Judit Moreno]

No, I feel. I feel good because I had so much time to, like, process everything. It still comes up sometimes in my head when I'm like, how was I so silly to not see certain things?

[Sabrina Zohar]

So you're starting to shame yourself a little bit?

[Judit Moreno]

Maybe. Yeah.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Let me ask you, how do you think that's helping? It's definitely not, but on paper, right? If we think, if we shame back in the day, like, I think shame does have a place in the society. I think we need to bring shame back. Not in a place of online, but I think that shaming is a way that we teach. Right. Not ourselves, but for other people. You know, if somebody does something stupid. Yeah. You deserve to be ashamed of yourself for what you did. And we should be putting that in the eye that you did something like you touched a little kid. Yeah, that is shameful. And you should write things like that where you're like, yeah, those do hold a place and a time. But I think if we. Guilt is, I've done something wrong. Shame is I am wrong. There's something wrong with me. But I think it's interesting that that voice still comes up because we're so far from that. Right. You're so far on the other side of it, but yet it's still there. And I think what you're describing is like, that's part of being a human, that even those little moments. Because why, if you shame yourself, then you can change. But let me ask you, has that ever worked versus compassion of. Makes total sense That I would feel really confused and that this would have gotten me for a loop. But at the end of the day, I was taught not to trust myself, and that's why I did what I did. Yeah.

[Judit Moreno]

I wish that this is why I love you. I wish my brain thought that way.

[Sabrina Zohar]

How could it, though? Nobody taught it.

[Judit Moreno]

There we go again, right?

[Sabrina Zohar]

You're not gonna have. You're not gonna just like, pull this out of your ass, right? It's like you have to be taught that to be like, oh, that's what a reframe is.

[Judit Moreno]

Got it.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I remember when I first went to therapy, I'll never forget. I kept saying, it's all my fault. And then one day she said, you're right, it's all your fault. She was repeating back to me. And I said, but it couldn't have all been my fault. Cracked it wide open for me because I was like, but how could it? And it just. That's when I was like, oh. And she started smiling. And I remember my therapist being like, this is where I want us to go. Because it's not about the fact that you didn't know. It's about the fact of what are the choices you're gonna make. So I'll bring it back to the question my ADHD asked, forgot to finish. Who is the version that you wanna become? Who is the judit that you see yourself in two to three years?

[Judit Moreno]

I definitely wanna be more compassionate to myself 100%. And I want to also be. I want to give myself the love that my dad never gave me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

How does that look like? What does that look like in practice?

[Judit Moreno]

Just be more patient with myself and be more loving towards myself whenever I make a mistake and not like, shame myself so much or punish myself for things that I don't. You know, I mean, the only way we can learn is by going through some things, right? So I want to have that compassion and that love that my dad never showed me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Allowing yourself to be a human. And so maybe that's now even if we think about the partner that you want, it's like, I want someone that allows me to be a human, that allows me to fuck up, that allows me to be messy, that allows me to take up space because I never had that opportunity. And I deserve someone that allows me to be authentically myself, fuck ups and all. Because if I can't find somebody that loves that, then you're just gonna be walking on eggshells your entire fucking life trying to rewrite the wrongs that happened to you 30 years ago instead of living in the now because you get to protect your little in ways no one ever did.

[Judit Moreno]

Yep.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm proud of you.

[Judit Moreno]

Thank you.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Now you feel me?

[Judit Moreno]

You've helped me so much, dude.

[Sabrina Zohar]

I'm always in your fucking corner. And I think that you are a prime example of doing the work doesn't stop. It doesn't end.

[Judit Moreno]

It does not both of us.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Right. I'm on one part of my journey, you're in another. No one's better or worse. It's just a different part. You might have started two years after, so you started walking the track differently. But this is what healing is. Healing isn't that. I think a lot of people have that misconception that, like, after a session, you're gonna be like, oh, that's it. Oh, my God. Okay, that's it. I can release it all and I can go. But really what it is is that it's just an awareness of going, hey, look over here. And you see a shadow you didn't see before. And so I hope that you could give little Judit a big fucking hug because she did a really incredible job keeping you safe, and she did a really beautiful job being there for you. But now she is gonna be fired and given a new job because she gets to go be a kid, which I think is all she ever wanted, was to just be able to be herself. And now you get to be the adult to make sure that nobody's gonna come in and do what your parents did to her again.

[Judit Moreno]

Oh, definitely. Thank you.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Thanks for being a guest.

[Judit Moreno]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Sabrina Zohar]

This was so fun.

[Judit Moreno]

I know.

[Sabrina Zohar]

Guys, thank you for being here for our first coaching session, which, you know, here we are, more of a fun conversation than anything. But I'm so grateful for you guys. Please let us know if you liked it. If you hate. Well, if you hated it, you don't need to tell me, but please let me know if you liked it. And if you guys need anything, as always, don't forget to rate and review the show. Please leave a comment, let us know what hit. Let us know what resonated with you. If you shared anything with Judit, we are fucking here. I love reading the comments and seeing how you guys are feeling. Don't forget, as always, the book is coming out soon. Why Am I Like this? On sale on October 13th. Please pre order it now and I will be obnoxiously reminding you guys about that. Until then. All right, babes, until next time, Foreign. Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month, of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway, give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail].