← The Sabrina Zohar Show
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so good so good so good everything you want for summer is at nordstrom rack stores now and up to sixty percent off stock up and save on the brands you love like vince sam edelman frame and free people join the nordiclub to unlock exclusive discounts shop new arrivals first and more plus buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free great brands great prices that's why you rack girl winter is so last season and now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs you're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders that perfect hang on the patio sundress those sandals you can wear all day and all night and you've had enough of shopping from your couch done hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope it's time for a little in person spring treat it's time for a trip to ross work your magic it's two am you've checked their instagram three times since you got in bed you drafted a text you're not gonna send maybe you are you've read the old ones you shouldn't be reading and the worst part is you fucking know better because you've done the quizzes especially mine you've read the books you know you're anxiously attached or that you're dating somebody that is and it isn't helping because knowing the name of what's happening hasn't made it stop hello hello hello and welcome to another episode of the sabrina zohar show my name is sabrina zohar and i am your host welcome back babes we're doing another series this is the first of a four episod episode part and today is the anxious breakup next week is going to be the avoidant then the disorganized and the secure listen to all four so you can understand different perspectives and evolve in different ways baby but today we're going to understand the anxious perspective the experience how to handle and really start to understand like what comes up for you right we're going to talk about why you want someone that is pulling away no matter how clearly your brain sees the truth what the new research says about it and the one move most anxious people are making that's keeping them safe stuck so let's go and baby i'm not going to spend this entire episode teaching you what anxious attachment is because you already know that we are not going to keep looking at the label we're going to start to look at the pattern and i want to really get a little deeper today and in this series so i really hope you guys love it thank you as always for being here don't forget to rate and review the show share it with a friend please leave a comment and with kindness that's all i ask right like yes i curse a lot if you're new here i say every few words i speak really fast that is how we have it we do have ads because this is how we keep the show free for you guys you're welcome to subscribe and get ad free and if this isn't the community for you that is okay but we don't have to leave really mean things and hurtful things just because it's not a preference for you and baby i well everybody is welcome but it is not my job to keep you all here so i like to just give the lay of the land because this is a community that really means a lot to me and i really want this to feel safe and comfortable for everybody and i do not take offense if i am not for you but i hope that you don't go into dating trying to change other people or yelling at people because they don't do what you like hey guys okay sorry interrupt i know i was saying something really brilliant and you were probably like oh my god this girl is so smart i have to listen well i'm so excited because i get to share first with you guys the new cover of my book oh my god sorry i squealed i had to how could i not you guys you could pre order the book now it is available it is called why am i like this it helps you break your relationship patterns and create the life you deserve you guys this was my labor of love i wrote this because this is all of the amalgamation of the neuroscience the psychology the attachment styles and the personal experience that i could ever put into one incredible book and i am so proud of it don't forget if you guys pre order right now it is available until october thirteenth to pre order and then it's out then you get a free course as a thank you it is a three week course to accompany the book so pre order book right now share it with your friends tell everyone you know and guys i literally could not do this without you so thank you for believing me thank you for being here and now get back to the amazing content i love my time with my friends hi babes good to see you don't forget to stay until the end we have the tool of the week it's a reframe you can use the next time your brain starts to spiral it takes about thirty seconds and it targets the exact part of rumination that research has identified is the actual problem i'm so excited to be here babes it's interesting my one on one work has really evolved recently which if you guys want anything you guys email all the time sabrina zo dot com check it out anything you need you can join a course work one on one ad free ask a question or just be part of the community there's a couple of free guides a new quiz we made i gotcha babes but i think what's interesting is it goes in cycles right the breakups we look at it right before cuffing season happens that's when people start to write in that winter time like in the october november there's a big breakup season and then now in april or may or june right in kind of those earlier summer times when it's cuffing season is over sun's out or buns out and almost every single client i've had in the last two months has been breakups helping move through it understand it and it's given me a new perspective because i'll be honest have i ever been dumped i have been told that somebody doesn't want to date me or that they don't want to continue seeing me but in actual relationships i'm usually the one that ends it and the pattern for me that i found was i would rush into a relationship because i wanted the safety and i wanted to just know i had a partner and i wanted the validation then i would date them and realize oh i don't actually like this person or like we're just not compatible and then i would usually end it and i will be a hundred percent transparent but being dumped sucks but so does dumping it is not a great feeling nobody wants to hurt somebody else nobody wants to feel like the bad guy but it does have to be done because i think the kindest thing that you could do is break up with someone and let them free because they now have the opportunity to meet the right person and so do you the more we pretend the more we and the more we keep somebody just because it makes us feel like we're the bad guy to me that's incredibly manipulative because you're not actually doing that for them you're doing it so that you don't look like in the wrong and you don't look like a bad person at the end of the day the kindest thing you could do is let this person go so i did a q and a box so if you guys don't follow along the sabrina zohar show on instagram is where we do question boxes and so for a lot of the solos or even guest episodes i will ask you guys and the most common thing i heard from you in this q and a for this series was some version of it feels physical my body yearns for them it's like a withdrawal it's a pull i can't stop and i'll read you one exactly how to stop chasing them it's like my body and my nervous system yearn for them even if they're not interested and i get it right we think that your brain is just being dramatic it's not this is actually an accurate description of something researchers have actually measured let's get into some studies shall we because i really really want you guys to feel supported in these but i think it's important to quantify you guys ask for the studies i'm happy to send you the journals the articles some of them are a little clunky i read them and i'm like all right i gotta sit here and process i like some i'll be like all right reduce this down to what this means but i do think it's interesting to not just have clickbait and sayings and things it's like let's actually get down to the nitty gr so in twenty twenty two there was a study in the journal of behavioral therapy and experimental psychiatry researchers had people who had recently gone through a breakup to a task called an approach avoidance task yeah the word avoidance was in there don't you see you sit at a computer and move a little figure toward or away from images as fast as you can pictures of your ex pictures of strangers pictures of a landscape your conscious mind isn't choosing your body is reacting and what they found is that anxiously attached people had a measurable automatic approach biased towards images of their ex meaning your body literally moved to them before your brain could intervene so it's not metaphorical it was measured in milliseconds your nervous system is pulling you toward the person you're trying to leave and it's happening a lot faster than your brain can actually get involved so let's sit with that for a second the pull you feel is real it's actually measurable it's not a lack of willpower it's not weakness you're not a idiot you're not broken your body is doing something your brain can't override through effort because the pull is happening before effort even became an option and this is why every time you've told yourself just don't text them and then you text them anyways right the explanation was never that you're broken you're up it's that you were trying to use the slowest part of your brain to stop the fastest part of your body that is a fight you will lose almost every time until you understand what's actually happening and here's where it gets important the same study found that the polls were strongest in people who are ruminating about the breakup so the more you think about them the stronger the automatic poll which is what we're going to get into next because rumination is doing something to you that is very different than what most people think now we have an episode on am i ruminating and spiraling and how to stop so if you guys wanna go back feel free you can listen to that i'm not one hundred percent yet sure but if you're on spotify literally or apple top just type in ruminate and it'll bring up the episode you know it's interesting i have talked about eternal sunshine before and my connection with clem but i remember especially as an anxious girly when i would get broken up i don't know if you guys had ever seen it but there's the one part of the woman crying right she's sitting there as they're brain mapping about her dog that passed i couldn't fathom doing that because clem created me but the whole point is that joel i'm not going to give it away but like he goes into erase his memory of clementine of the relationship i used to sit and think god could i do that could i please erase this whole thing and stop being haunted by the memories until i had to stop and get really real for a second every ex and every pass and every relationship that didn't work out created the version of you who you are so the more we try to get rid of those parts the more that we're saying i don't want to be who i actually am i'm not saying that you should sit and cry everything single night because oh my god i'm a piece of and there's something wrong with me i don't want you to have a negative self talk but the more we try to get rid of negative experiences and pretend like they didn't happen the more they're going to actually persist but i am who i am because of all the relationships i went through i am a sum of all of my parts i have a sense of humor because i went through trauma makes you funny i have experience i understand how you feel because i've been through it and i couldn't imagine erasing my memory of the biggest and most important relationships i had ever had and the heartbreaks i learned more about life through heartbreak than i ever did through success i learned more from the failures i had than all the success i had combined why because i didn't fucking forget i remember how i felt i remember how low i felt i remember how shitty it felt and i remember how i promised myself i was never going to allow that to happen again so if you're in your slum look at it now as what can i learn from this how can i evolve from this and how can i move through it as opposed to i don't ever want to feel this again i can't get rid of it and i don't want to do this and i'm just ruminating and spiraling the more you resist it the more it will persist there is somebody out there grateful that the last person it up and lost you there is somebody out there counting their lucky stars that they're going to meet you and that you are exactly what they've always wanted so instead of focusing on the person that couldn't be there for you that couldn't satisfy your needs maybe you can remember who the you are and get excited that there is somebody out there that will be grateful to meet you and they just haven't done that yet this episode is sponsored by mud water i love the taste of coffee but i just couldn't handle what it was doing to my heart rate my brain i was feeling like i was all over the place and i was so anxious my heart was literally sprinting and my brain is running on five directions at once and that's why i love mod water so they have a new low calf coffee it has been such a relief and my favorite part is it's not just made with organic coffee beans it has lianine and functional mushrooms like lion's mane and cordyceps so it tastes like actual coffee but it's something just so delicious and if you want something even gentler the original blend is still there for you so it's a coffee alternative made with cocoa chai turmeric and functional mushrooms so it's warm it's grounding and it's perfect for days when you want energy without the buzz and also i'm obsessed with their matcha the matcha is delic delicious i have it sitting on my counter you can maybe even add some cream or some honey even some cbd baby and get the day started so if you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy head to mudwtter dot com and grab your starter kit today right now our listeners get an exclusive deal up to forty three percent off your entire order plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use code sabrina zohar that's right baby up to forty three percent off with code sabrina zohar at m u d w t r dot com after your purchase they'll ask you how you found them please show your your support and let them know the sabrina zohar show sent you if this is all clicking for you and you actually want to work of like reviewing your patterns before your next relationship i have the healthy dating foundation course it's the course i built for the version of you that doesn't want to repeat this not the get them back version the never do this to yourself again version link is in the show notes and the foundation piece has to happen before anything else we talk about today becomes sustainable so don't forget that if you need it i got you baby so let's talk about ruminating and really quick actually before we segment into that i want to also be clear this episode as as you can hear is very tailored to somebody who is anxious going through a breakup but i also want to take a minute for the person that may be breaking up with somebody who's anxious i see both sides of the coin i get clients and i see both aspects and i will say this i know that as the anxious attacher you are struggling and saying but i'm hurting and i really want them to understand but baby i don't think you know the other side of it it is incredibly overwhelming after a breakup to feel like you just can't be that this person's constantly texting you messaging you crying sending you things harassing you calling begging for you back i don't think you understand the other side of it and i know that you're hurting and that you just want to be able to say but if i just get it out if i release it maybe they'll hear me but baby that's a core belief because you don't feel hurt or seen by somebody but that's not this person here's a harsh reality about breakups that the internet doesn't talk about if you can't sleep you can't eat you can't stop thinking about this person it has nothing to do with them that is your nervous system feeling dysregulated because you feel abandoned or you feel like your core beliefs were just reaffirmed especially if it's the next person's going to get this and i did this and i didn't get it that has actually nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact that you think you're the problem and that the next person's going to suddenly get all of those things you didn't at the end of the day people don't change that quickly you didn't and they won't either baby and i say this with love and i am not trying to be a about it but the next person ain't getting anything you didn't maybe they're more aligned maybe the next person they date is more aligned with them maybe they don't trigger them in the same ways but i could say the same about you that you might meet somebody that doesn't cause you to feel so anxious and dysregulated because they're consistent and they're reciprocal and they don't activate that part of you i could say this with certainty i might have been a hot mess when i dated but the version that ryan got was the version a lot of other men got prior to him because i had done the work and i was ready to date and i was showing up differently but just because they couldn't handle it doesn't mean that everybody couldn't and that was a big shift i had after a breakup was no one's ever going to love me no one's going to accept me no one's going to want me as i am but that was just me projecting my insecurities onto everybody else because there are plenty of people out there that would give think they're lucky stars to have an opportunity to even be with me so if i'm so focused on the person that didn't give a then that actually has nothing to do with them i've just assigned value to them and now there's novelty created in my head and so now let's talk about why you ruminate and it's not about what you think right this is where most anxious people misunderstand what's happening rumination is when your mind replays the same scene the same conversation the same question on loop why did they do that what did i miss did they ever love me what should i have said what should i have done what if i hadn't this it feels like you're getting closer to an answer and it feel productive but it isn't there's a study done by saffrey and ehrenberg published in personal relationships that looked at this specifically and what they found is that rumination doesn't resolve the feeling it extends it it keeps your nervous system activated around the breakup for so much longer i see this all the time because people who ruminated more had significantly worse post breakup adjustment the loop you think is helping you process is actually the thing keeping the wound open and here's what matters there are two different kinds of repetitive thinking about a breakup and the research distinguishes them one is called brooding that's the why me replay the scene circle the question type the other is called reflective pondering that's actively trying to understand what happened in a way that's going to change what you do next anxious people tend to brood which makes sense because brooding is what your nervous system does when it can't tolerate the not knowing your body wants resolution so bad that your mind will keep generating fake resolution over and over again because any answer feels safer than keeping the question open baby and i think the hardest part is that the answers your brain is producing at two am are not true they feel true but they're not true true i had this even the other day something happened and i sat there and i was like this i'm done and i believed it in that moment i believed it my cortisol was up i was a cranky girl i hadn't eaten i knew my blood sugar was dropping and then a few hours later i was like who is she what i don't believe that i even apologized to one of my friends i was like hey i think i was being a dick i'm so sorry and she was like oh my god no dude to me anytime don't worry about it and i had to stop and i was like don't believe everything you think just because it's a thought doesn't fucking mean it's true start to challenge your thoughts thoughts start to get curious about what's coming up instead of just giving into everything and being like that's it i'm done maybe challenge it put them on trial start to think of future you and start to actually do something different in your life if you want to see a different result nothing changes if nothing changes so i need you to start doing things differently if you actually want to live a different life and i know it you're generating the worst case interpretations because your body is in a threat state and threat states produce threat shaped thoughts this is why you can be completely rational about the relationship at two pm and then destroyed about at two am your cognition shift based on your physiological state the facts didn't change your nervous system that is why your state determines your story determines your strategy when you are disregulated the story is i'm not enough and there's something wrong with me and i knew they were going to leave me which creates your strategy i need to get them back i need to activate i need to earn i need to do versus if you regulate your state is okay i'm here the story is okay it just didn't work out that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me and the strategy is it's time for me to move on and be with the person that's actually for me you do get a choice choice that is up to you now of which one you're going to make this episode is sponsored by better help guys may is mental health awareness month and this is really a reminder that whatever you're going through baby you don't have to go through it alone you're not the only one i still struggle every day whether that be with my core beliefs feeling like i'm not enough worried that i may lose everything tomorrow and i don't know what i would do without my therapist there to really help me to be with me right to listen to understand to support me how much of a difference that truly makes and that's why i love better help so better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the us and the best part is that better help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals you answer a short questionnaire it helps you identify your needs and if at any time you're not happy with your therapist you could just press find a new therapist and it will match you with somebody else instantly it is incredible baby you don't have to be on this journey alone find support and have someone with you in therapy sign up and get ten percent off at betterhelp dot com sabrina that's betterhelp dot com sabrina ready to soundtrack your summer with red bull summer all day play you choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best are you a festival fanatic a deep end dj a road dog or a trail mixer just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track red bull summer all day play red bull gives you wings visit red bull dot com brightsummer ahead to learn more see you this summer and there's more there's always more a twenty twenty four longitudinal study gail and colleagues in emerging adulthood tracked one hundred ninety six people through their breakups they measured attachment style before the breakup and then measured coping strategies one month out and distress levels three months out what they found is that the single biggest predictor of who was still in acute distress at the three month mark wasn't the attachment style it was the coping coping specifically self blame self punishment self focused rumination picking yourself apart for what you did wrong what you said wrong how you felt you were too much and why they left and that's what most anxious people do and the study is really clear about this self punishment coping at one month predicted significantly more depression and anxiety at three months it's not just unhelpful it's actually making the recovery longer so when your brain is doing the thing where it's listing all the ways you up and all the ways you were too anxious and all the punishment i need you to understand what you're actually doing you're not processing you're not learning you're running a coping strategy that the research has specifically identified as the one thing that will keep you stuck the longest which brings us to the move that actually changes us and i have been there i have done that my babes i used to sit there and think like there's something wrong with me i even did that up into the podcast when i have a week where the episodes will be down and you're like oh oh oh okay and so i have to actively stop because i'm like oh that's it they hate me and they don't like me anymore and they don't want to be with me that doesn't mean like the biggest fallacy about healing is that these thoughts just go away i'm never going to be sad i'm never going to be triggered i'm never going to feel this this yeah you will but what you do now is you have a choice about how you're going to allow it to impact you how much you're going to give into it and the tools that you use to pattern interrupt healing doesn't mean it all just goes away healing means you learn to live with it and now you know what to do when it comes up and that took me a minute because i was like oh god am i living in victim mode am i that no i just allowed myself to feel sad i allowed myself right you go on a date it doesn't work out that doesn't mean you have to pretend that it didn't hurt you you're allowed to go oh that sucked i really like that person and i was hopeful it would work out then just leave it there just be in that versus it's the same with me like if i do a casting i don't get or an episode that i thought was gonna crush it doesn't do as well okay i'm bummed someone left me a review the other day it hurt my feelings i cried for maybe two minutes i looked at ryan and i said okay and he said baby this is gonna happen a lot more to you so i need you to get used to it what was i gonna do they're like go find this person no i allowed myself to be sad it's the same as when you get the breakup text or the you know hey i think you're amazing but i'm just not feeling it and i know you want to punch a wall it's like you're allowed to cry and feel and scream and hit a pillow but then what are you going to do with that you gonna allow that to dictate your worth are you gonna allow that to dictate who the you are are you gonna say okay i'm a human but being sad doesn't mean that that determines my entire strategy for the entire day it doesn't mean i'm gonna go and blow up literally or figuratively because i didn't get my way so i give you permission i know if you're going through it allow yourself and if you've been through it proud of you for making it out on the other side baby all right let's talk about the move that's actually keeping you stuck i want to tell you about what the same twenty twenty four study found on the other side because it's not just about what makes you worse it's about what makes you better and the move that predicts recovery is probably not what you think it's called accommodation coping and what that means in plain english is this here's how you're actually going to get over a break breakup accepting that the breakup happened reframing it and actively replacing what the relationship used to give you with something else not fighting the reality not ruminating on what it means about you not trying to figure out how to get back accept it and move towards a new routine acceptance in the psychological sense is the act of stopping the fight with reality so your energy can move somewhere more useful you can fully grieve the loss you can fully believe it mattered fully believe they were wrong to leave the way they left and still accept that it's over these are not contradictions that told two conflicting thoughts the problem is that the anxious attachments specifically hates this move because acceptance feels like abandonment if you stop fighting to get them back it feels like you're abandoning the relationship abandoning the version of yourself that loved them abandoning the hope so you keep the loop running and the loop keeps you in pain and i saw this over and over and over again in the q and a is the no contact streak that breaks how do i stay in no contact how do i stop chasing them the reality is you're fighting the reality of the breakup with the only tool your nervous system has which is trying to reestablish contact you're not actually choosing to text them your body is registering the absence of them as a threat and it's running the same response would run if you'd lost your keys or your wallet or anything else search retrieve restore and the research on what actually helps from spielman mcdonald and wilson in two thousand nine found that anxiously attached people who focused attention on someone new recovered faster now i want you to be careful here this doesn't mean date immediately and start to distract yourself it's not what they found what they found is that the anxious brain needs somewhere to direct its attachment energy while the old attachment extinguishes because white knuckling the energy with no outlet doesn't work for anxious people it doesn't have to be a new person it could be a friend you're putting energy into a project a community a creative pursuit it doesn't really matter but it has to be real it has to be something your nervous system can actually land on sitting alone trying to be over it is one of the worst things an person can do and the research is actually clear on this because most of the healing will tell you the opposite what i'm really trying to say is not stop caring about them that will never work it has never worked it's not going to start working now the work is giving your nervous system new information something else to go to something else to reach for a different rhythm a different routine a different shape of your life and you know what your brain is going to scream to you that this is impossible that no one could matter no one else could do and d but that's the pattern talking angel that's not the truth you want to know how you'll get through no contact you can't just remember your why you got to remember your who who are you doing this for every single time you want to reach out to them i need you to start to think of future you what's going to happen if they don't respond in the way that you'd like what's going to happen if they ignore your message are you going to feel worse about yourself then i want you to remember who you're doing this for every time you reach out to them you are self abandoning and telling your little you're the problem they're the solution so next time i need you to sit with that i need you to actually remember why am i reaching out to them because it's not actually about them anymore bab about quelling your anxiety so that you don't have to feel the pain of the rejection this episode is sponsored by im eight y' all know me me on my mold and health journey i love my supplements but honestly i was starting to get really confused what do i take when do i take it how many things do i need to take and that's why i love im eight because it is the way to simplify your supplement routine once and for all baby so it's sixteen supplements replaced ninety ingredients across nine major organ systems systems in one drink and that's the thing is like you can have a cabinet full of supplements but half the time you don't even know what to take when to take it but with imh's daily ultimate essentials you can take one drink with your sixteen supplements for two point six one a day which is frankly speaking a steal for your health to get everything you need in one convenient drink plus it also tastes delicious so go to imate health dot com sabrina right now or click on the link in the show notes and use code sabrina for a free welcome kit five free travel gotchas plus ten off your order that's code sabrina at im eight health dot com sabrina again code sabrina health dot com sabrina these statements have not been evaluated by the food and drug administration this product is not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease let's go into some good news because i'm going to tell you something now that i don't think you've heard in any breakup content and it might be the most important thing of this episode so a study done by marshall behan and forensi published in plos one with two samples of over eight hundred and seventy people they wanted to know which attachment style had the most post breakup personal growth not which one suffered the most which one actually grew the most the answer was anxiously attached people and here's why the same distress that feels unbearable the same emotional intensity the same instability to dismiss what happened is what fuels transformation anxious people don't skip the brain breakup your nervous system won't let you you don't have to feel every bit of it and research shows that the feeling is what changes you avoiding people in the same study had less growth because the thing that would have grown them they suppressed your capacity for distress is also your capacity for change and i want you to really hear that because i think anxious people walk around feeling broken for the exact thing that's going to save them the depth of feeling the inability to disconnect the caring so hard it hurts that's not a disorder that's just a feeling teacher the work is not making yourself feel less the work is learning what to do with the feeling so it actually moves you somewhere this doesn't mean that the pain is fine or that the pattern is fine maybe that's not what i'm saying it means the sensitivity is not the problem the coping is the problem the rumination is the problem the self punishment those are the things that you can actually change and when you change them the same sensitivity that's currently drowning you becomes a thing that builds a different life this is also why i push back so hard against content that tells anxious people just become more secure by becoming unbothered that's not secure that's disassociation secure people feel very deeply they grieve they get hurt the difference isn't that they feel less the difference is that their self concept doesn't collapse when connection is threatened they have a self that exists independently of the connection so when the connection goes the self is still there and that's the actual work here it's not feeling less it's building a self that survives when love isn't reciprocated which by the way is the only kind of self that's actually capable of receiving love that's reciprocated look at that which comes first the chicken or the egg a self that depends on the other person to exist can't ever really let love in right you only grip it so the question isn't how do i stop feeling this the question is can i stay with myself through this without abandoning myself to get them back because every time you abandon yourself to reach for them you reinforce the pattern that got you here and every time you stay with yourself through the spike even messily even imperfectly you're building the thing that it can actually fucking change this that's why i'm a big proponent of after a breakup i don't need you to stop thinking of them it's not the answer i've been through my fair share of breakups right i've had my heart broken the more i tried to stop thinking of them the more it kept happening happening that what you resist persists so instead close the loop yeah i'm thinking of them of course i would they were a big part of my life and given everything i've went through no wonder this would cause me a lot of stress and anxiety done end of story leave it there close the loop on your own baby go outside and look for five things that are yellow change your scenery do something to help you regulate your nervous system even if that means like putting on a cute outfit and going to a coffee shop i did i don't know if you've noticed as i'm wearing jeans i never wear jeans but these are fabletics just created new jeans i'm flipping obsessed with them and you know why i could have worn leggings today and been like oh whatever no i put on my cute outfit something comfy that makes me feel really good and i'm gonna have my day instead of being in jam jams and like no makeup and looking like a hot mess around the house no i'm gonna invest into myself so i feel better about myself and i stop focusing on the things i don't have control over and start focusing on the things that i do have control over which by the way i don't even think this episode is sponsored by fabletics but i think you should go buy these jeans cuz they're so cute and like really affordable which is not a word that you could say these days all right let's talk about the tool of the week the reframe swap so here's your tool it's based directly on the gal twenty twenty four study self punishment coping is what keeps you stuck accommodation coping is what moves you so this tool is designed to catch the swap in real time so here's the practice also by the way do this with a friend one of you guys messaged in it was so sweet you were like i'm on the phone with my girlfriend while we're listening to the tool the week and we're doing it together and i love it i love that rely on your community angel even if you create a community that's why i always encourage you guys to engage in the comments especially on spotify or youtube build a community right i think one of you guys had said like on andrew in one of the episodes for in the trenches like andrew call me and i was like yes i think this is great andrew comments mostly on youtube so if you guys want to date him or any of those people go find him i love it but build a community for yourself and know that we're here to support you but because everybody that's listening is trying to do the same work and i'm really proud of you my mama's here for you okay every time you notice yourself in a punishment loop though why did i do that why am i like this what is that my book cover now you can see why i called it that why couldn't i just be normal you're going to interrupt it with one question not a different thought it's not a reassurance one question what's one thing i can do in the next hour that moves me forward not solve the breakup not make them come back not figure out what went wrong one small thing is that a walk a texting a friend making actual food taking a shower power one thing self punishment coping is a closed loop it doesn't point anywhere except deeper into itself accommodation coping is directional it points out of the loop into your actual life the question you're asking is doing the translation work for you every time you catch yourself spiraling it's literally swapping the coping strategy at the moment of activation and baby you're going to do this imperfectly you're going to ruminate for an hour before you remember the question fine catch it catch it when you can you're going to answer the question and then not do the thing and that's fine the catching is the practice over weeks your brain starts to offer the question earlier over months months the ratio shifts self punishment moves get shorter because action gets easier and this is how the pattern actually gets updated it's not in one conversation with yourself and it's a hundred little swaps it's the same as again do going to the gym right i have been working out for like nine years at this eight years at this point and i am just now starting to see the real results because i'm consistent with it i used to do it and then i would stop then i'd get injured then i'd stop then i would do it then no baby now my ass is juicy like a peach because i am dedicated to it i am working on it i am really focusing my energy on like want to look the best i can feel the best i can be strong that's my goal so that means every day i have to work towards that practice because it's a mental muscle is the same as a physical that's why i bring that up right the reason i always suggest go to yoga and meditation isn't because i'm like o be part of a cult no it's so that you can start to get in your body so when i say where do you feel that you know exactly and how it feels because when i'm in yoga and they're like pull your shoulder back and feel it in your socket and you're like oh that's what that feels like like got it unclench your jaw you're like whoa i didn't even know i was doing that start to get more aware of you your body because we have to somatically heal it's not just everything being intellectual that's why you're still going to loop do not use this to bypass your grief by the way feeling the loss is not self punishment crying is not self punishment missing them is not self punishment self punishment is specifically the self blame the self criticism the what the is wrong with me loop grief is allowed you can cry you can miss them feel it fully the reframe swap is only for the self attacking part and i also want to be real here start to challenge your thoughts what do you miss so much about this person the person that couldn't satisfy your needs the person that couldn't be there for you the person that dismissed you you're missing the idea of them it's not actually about the person what it actually is too is that this reaffirms your core beliefs that there is something wrong with you and maybe they figured it out but if you are hyperventilating over them i need you to stop and get curious and make them a real person were they that great or did you just feel really good when they chose you i hope this helped my babes i hope now you can understand a little bit more about the anxious breakup why you're ruminating and spiraling and going on the loops and again if you dated somebody that was anxious just know that they're trying to reach for reassurance and to quell the anxiety that doesn't mean you have to answer right that's the biggest thing is like that does not mean if you have broken up with somebody when they have a lot of anxiety you don't have to keep answering and responding and giving into it you are allowed to set a boundary and say hey hey i'm going to be clear this is the last time i'm going to answer i understand you're hurting but we are done with this relationship and i'm going to need to be able to move on with my life they have to be responsible for finding a therapist or a coping mechanism the person that hurt you isn't the one that's going to heal you and so if you've broken up with someone you don't have to overly explain and sit there for hours having phone calls and this you said it you were honest with them that is the kindest thing that you can do and it's time for you to move on and they will have to do that as well and that's the harsh reality here and if you're the anxious person that gum dumped i need you to hear that too they're not just trying to be an to be an they need to move on and so do you so we got to allow that to happen because the more you try to contact and contact and contact it's like that's why i'm saying for the anxious folk that are doing that cut the it's not about them and for the person that's receiving it if you need to block them that's okay i support that if this person won't leave you alone and you're like dude i'm trying to move on with my life you do what you need to do baby i support both sides and that's why one person really needs to work on the activation and the other one has to be able to move on with their life it's not easy but breakups activate more than it actually is and so that's why i want to get specific about each person right next week is part two the avoidant breakup if you're listening to this thinking about the person who left and wondering whether they feel any of this whether they're fine whether they ever feel anything next week is for you because i'm going to tell you what is actually happening in their nervous system and it's not what you think so until then practice the swap don't text them baby feed yourself go to bed at a reasonable hour shower get some sunshine get some water you're like a plant you know you need it and just know that i love you and i know that this might be hard especially if you're really feeling it and you feel like you're so overwhelmed and but you got this babe it's not gonna take you you got this guys as always if you need anything if you want to work one on one to work and process through some stuff we've got the foundation course it's really helpful the book is out why am i like this please don't forget to pre order it either it be at your local bookstore on amazon save a screenshot and i'm sending you guys a free gift as a thank you just hold on to it and don't worry i will announce when the port open and you guys can submit it and get your course i love you i'm so grateful for you guys thank you for being here thank you for commenting leaving a review and just being part of this community because without you i wouldn't be here i love you babes i'll see you next week did you know if your windows are bare indoor temperatures can go up twenty degree turn the temperature down with blinds dial and get up to fifty percent off custom window treatments like solar roller shades and more 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