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- [00:00]
Sabrina Zohar
The best dancers from across the globe are about to join me for the audition of a lifetime.
- [00:06]
Commercial Announcer 1
ABC Mondays. Do they have what it takes to compete and be the next Dancing with the Stars pro?
- [00:11]
Sabrina Zohar
I'm here to win. Nothing is gonna stop me. Our star judges will decide. This is what hunger looks like. It was 100% the wrong choice.
- [00:19]
Commercial Announcer 2
Robert Irwin hosts The next era of
- [00:21]
Sabrina Zohar
ballroom starts right here on Dancing with the Stars.
- [00:24]
Commercial Announcer 3
The next Pro.
- [00:26]
Commercial Announcer 2
All new Mondays, 8.
- [00:27]
Commercial Announcer 1
7 Central on ABC. Next day on Hulu.
- [00:31]
Commercial Announcer 2
This summer prime video takes you back before Legally Blonde, before law school and into the world of Elle woods in high school. Set in 1995, this Gemini vegetarian knows exactly who she is until her family moves from Bel Air to Seattle. Packed with iconic fashion, 90s nostalgia and a throwback soundtrack, Elle proves one law school was hard. High school was harder. From the world of Legally Blonde, watch Elle, a new original series only on Prime Video.
- [00:59]
Sabrina Zohar
Watch now if you think you've wasted your time in dating. Have you ever fallen for the potential of somebody? Picture it. It was 2014. I was young, bright eyed and bushy tailed and I matched with a guy and he was a total smoke show and we started sending each other sexy photos and then we started hanging out. We would sleep together and we were having this massive situationship. It was just sexy and electric and we would spend the night together and I would sleep over and we would go do all these things and adventure and it felt like we were in a relationship and I was holding on to the potential of this person, the idea of him. If he chose me, what would this be like? How could my life change if he's successful? So then would that mean that people would respect me differently? I created castles in the sky and spoiler alert, nothing ever panned out. He actually ended up trying to break it off with me. I went downstairs because he knew I was falling for him. I left, made this grandiose like no, I can't be without you coming upstairs. We were crying, we hooked up and then two days later he called me a via text message because I had sent him a sexy photo even though we had been hooking up for over two months. And then I found out he had a girlfriend shortly thereafter and I never spoke to him again. And if you have ever been in anything like that then today this is for you. And I am really excited because we are going to answer some questions and talk about falling for the idea of somebody because I know that a lot of us have fallen for potential. You see someone amazing and you're like, okay, I can work with this, right? They just need to, like, open up more or if this person were more this than this. And what we don't realize is we're not actually looking at this person for who they are. We're looking at them for who we'd like them to become and the idea of them and the version that they could grow into. And that can keep you single for a lot fucking longer than you'd like to be. Because when you fall for the potential of somebody, you're saying, when I get done with them, they could be this or if they just do all of these things. But who says that they're going to. Who says that you have any say in how this person shows up? And so I'm excited because we've got some audience questions, we've got some rapid fire, and I haven't seen any of these. We're going to do this together because it's fun. And you know what, for argument's sake, hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. I'm Sabrina Zohar. I'm your host. And you know what? We're changing some up. I am exhausted. I am so tired of chasing numbers and analytics and this title and this. And I'm so tired of talking about avoidant attachment and avoidant attachment. It's the same thing on repeat. And so we're going to start to change things up. The way I show up for you guys is going to be different. I'm going to have a lot less notes and I'm just going to be with you guys. I'm going to have this time with you. If you want to work with me, you want to buy my book, you want to do any of those things, you all know where to find them. Sabrinazoar.com but outside of that, we're going to start to have a different connection because this is my time to spend with you guys one on one. And I have been losing myself. I completely talk about chasing potential. I have been chasing my own potential for the last two years thinking I could grow into a version of myself that I, I wasn't, I, I wasn't enjoying this. I was finding every single time I was stepping into this room, I just was starting to resent it. And I really want to change the way that I show up for you guys. And so we're going to start to have some fun in a different way. Please send in your, your request, send in your stories. And we are also getting a live audience call in section going on the website soon so you guys can leave me notes and voice notes and things and I will be answer able to answer them on the episode. So when you fall for potential, you're not falling for the person, you're falling for the version of them that you have decided that they could be. And then you abandon yourself to try to get them to become that version without accepting the real version of who they actually are. We have the highs, we have the lows, and 99.9 of the time, it's usually that intermittent reinforcement. The idea of them is so sexy.
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Commercial Announcer 4
Right?
- [04:35]
Sabrina Zohar
The guy that I was telling you guys he was super successful and he had the cool apartment in soho, he had a tiny dick, like barely felt it. And so it's not. And I'm not trying to like put him down, I'm trying to make him a real person. I idealize this person. I thought he was just God's gift. And I'll never forget he worked or he lived like a block away from my old job. So of course I would see him. And I'll never forget seeing him get into a cab with a big bouquet of flowers. And I knew in my gut I was like, he's going on a date, he's going to go see it. And he was all dressed up. And I remember when I asked him where he was going, I was like, hey, I just saw you go into a cab. Those are some flowers. And he was like, it's none of your business, Have a great night. Instead of me going, oh, you know that guy's a. Doesn't want what you want. No. I was like, no, come on, he has potential. And I self abandoned so hard to try to get him to change who he was instead of accepting that who he was wasn't enough for me. Who he was didn't work for me. And maybe, maybe how I showed up was too much for him. That's okay, right? To my knowledge, I think he's married with a kid now, which is like, yeah, I'm so happy to hear that. But I put my worth on the line because this person didn't want to be with me. And that to me is far too high of a price to ever pay. And I don't think that any of us should be self abandoning just to have somebody pick us. Which is also what I talk about a lot in the book. So don't forget to get that. You get your free course with it. I'm gonna make a promise to you guys. I'm just gonna be me and I Hope that you show up as you and I hope that you guys love the show and if you don't, it was fun to have you guys here. But I really, really want to show up differently for you and I really want to be able to talk about things I love like the book and read you guys excerpts and have different types of conversations and show up differently. So thanks for being here, guys and don't forget to rate and review and share it with a friend. As always, don't forget about that. Okay, so here we go. Let's go into it. Hi, I love your podcast. So I'm dating this guy for two months and it's so intense. We click so perfectly. He is super sweet and exactly the guy I manifested. So I'm falling in love after a long time and I'm terrified. The problem is, although the feelings are mutual, he just got out of five year relationship. That made him feel isolated. We communicated a lot. But I feel extra scared that he is not capable of jumping into what we have. He sometimes tries to keep it cool and I'm losing it. Okay, so here's the thing. He just got out of a five year old. You see, you see the disconnect? So you've been, you've seen this, you've dated this guy for two months. You barely know this person. I don't even know if you know their allergies. It's so intense. So off the bat, we started at 100 and we click so perfectly. What makes you think you click so perfectly with somebody that just got out of a five year relationship? That is saying that they are scared and they're not capable of jumping into a new relationship. So already we're seeing a disconnect. That's that dissonance, right? Of like this is what. No, you know what that is? This is discernment. Discernment is being able to differentiate between the reality and the fantasy. Who do I want them to be and who are they actually becoming? And if you're saying they are all of these things, they could be. And if this and if that, well, they just need to let me in and they just have to be scared and they just need to be more open and vulnerable, then you're not actually going after them, you're going after the idea of them. And that could be why you are running yourself into the ground. Because you're not actually seeing this person for who they are. You're seeing for who they you want them to become when you're done with them. And note manifestation. That was a word that you used, right? And to me, that's useful because the reason I think that it's important for us to talk about the word manifested is because. So let me ask you this. So you manifested a guy that is not emotionally available, is not able to open up to you, feels like he is scared to jump in so he can show up. Right. Actions speak a lot on the words. No, they don't. Have you ever been with somebody who will you like a girlfriend but then treat you like a friend? Actions and words need to align. That is how you create safety. Because the person that shows up is also the person that says they're going to show up. If you have one without the other, that's the incongruence. And that could also be why you don't trust this person. I don't want words or actions to misalign. I want you to say what you mean and mean what you say. And I think, you know, you said you're keep. You're trying. He sometimes tries to keep it cool and I'm losing it. Then. How honest are you being with yourself? How real are you being with yourself right now that this doesn't satisfy you, that this isn't what you want, that this person came in and with intensity. But intensity, intensity, attention is not intention. Somebody paying a lot of attention to you and texting you and calling you and going through the motions doesn't mean that they are intentional about building a relationship with you. Somebody that's intentional has emotional availability and bandwidth and capacity and the intent of building and scaling a relationship with you. So if you're looking at how often you see this person or how much they text you, then you're looking at the attention and you're not actually looking at their intentions of building a relationship with you. So I would say this. You're losing your cool. You need to have a real conversation with this person. Now, I'm never going to tell you what to do. All right? I don't mean to come off as if I'm. I'm playing judge, juror, and executioner, but I would suggest that you have a real conversation with this person of like, hey, we started really strong. And now because. Let me back it up. Do you know why people that are newly divorced oftentimes jump into something immediately after? It's because being alone feels really scary. They're used to having somebody. They're used to having the relationship and the term and the this and the intensity. And so they rush into something after because they're scared of being Alone. That doesn't mean everybody does this. But if you're dating somebody newly single, newly divorced, and they are still showering you with all this attention, but they're not showing up and saying that they can be in a relationship with you, then you need to look and say, it's not about our connection. It's how I'm serving this person and what I'm giving them. And then I need you to start asking, is this what you think that you deserve? That would be my thoughts here. I think he's trying to play it cool. You're losing it because neither of you are being really honest with each other or yourself that maybe this isn't what you want. And you're allowed to. Here's the thing. You're allowed to change your mind. You can get into a situation and also realize down the road that that's not something that works for you. Right? I'll be fully transparent with you guys. When Ryan and I met each other, we were two different people. We were two different people. And now, three and a half years in, we're reassessing the contract that we have with each other of, hey, do we still want to show up like this? Is this still the needs that you have? Is this still what you want? That doesn't mean that anybody is good or bad that's growing. And if you're not growing and growing together, then you're going to start to notice these differences and saying, well, this person wants this and person wants this. Is it incongruent? Yes. And so my suggestion would be to get on the same page to make sure that you both want the same thing so that you can actually have the relationship that you deserve. All right, let's go into some rapid fire, shall we? I don't know if any of you guys come on TikTok live. It's like my favorite. It's hundreds of questions coming in at every second. And it's my. I love it. I love to be in the moment with you guys. So Ryan selected some rapid fires for me to have some fun with you guys. What's the best way to break the cycle of thinking about your existence? Maybe it's not trying to stop thinking about them, and maybe it's trying to get curious about what you're thinking about. Is it actually about them or is it about the fact that you feel like they found somebody else and that you're not good enough and that they're never going to choose you? Is it actually about your ex or is it the idea of Them and the potential and who they could have been. You need to start getting curious about what it is that you're thinking and stop trying so hard to get rid of it and start to get curious about it so that you can move through it. Because the reality here is, when you can't stop thinking of someone, what happens? Your brain is going, oh, that must mean that this is important. Because if this is something that they're trying so hard to stop doing, then that must mean that this means a lot to them. And so I remember even before I met Ryan, I was dating this guy right around the same time, and I was thinking about him all the time. And then I'm building this new relationship with someone, and I was like, attacking myself, being like, why do I still think of this person? And I had to stop and say, because you liked him. You liked that person. You really enjoyed yourself with them. It was a fun time. So instead of attacking myself for it and being like, oh, you have to stop this, I allowed it. He would come into my head and I'd be like, yeah, that was really fun. He was a really cute guy, and
- [11:48]
Guest or Co-host
we had a good time.
- [11:49]
Sabrina Zohar
Unfortunately, it didn't pan out, and I closed the loop, and then it would happen again. And then all of a sudden, I started to notice I wasn't thinking about him. Days would go by, and I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that guy. Because when you try so hard to avoid doing something, your brain's like, all right, bitch, I'm fucking. Bring it up even more. And so maybe we stop trying so hard and instead lean into it and journal and cry and let it out so that you can close the loop yourself. How to stop making conversations in my head like, I'm planning to talk to my ex and relating everything to him. So go back and listen to the breakup series, because what's happening is. That is ruminating. That's also part of the fight series in the Nervous System, which was literally last week. So you guys are this way, right? Or whatever it was on Friday episode, right before. When we try to think of all the conversations, it's because there's a part of you that's like, no, no, I need to finish this. I need to come up with this. I need the clarity. I need to figure this out. It's that still that fight mode, because hours later, you're dysregulated. And so maybe what we can do is you could say, hey, the conversation is over. There's nothing else I could have said to. I'm Going to close the loop myself. Or instead of what if something I learned from my therapist, replace what if with even if. Instead of what if they never call me. Even if they never call me, I'm going to be okay. What if I never get to have this conversation with them? Even if I never get to have this conversation, I'll be okay. We need to start looking at what you actually have control over instead of catastrophizing of all the things that you have no fucking control over. Why do I want to be with someone who cheated on me even though I know I shouldn't? Because there's a part of you that believes that that's what you deserve. There's a part of you that believes that you have to earn love, that nobody, that you can't trust anybody and that you now want to get them back because they chose someone else. And so the core belief is, see, I knew they would pick somebody else over me. I knew I wasn't good enough. I knew I wasn't pretty enough. I knew that they were going to get whatever right. I need you to hear this and I need you to hear me. Well, if you have been cheated on, it is not about you. If you have had somebody that lied to you, that was disingenuous. Now, listen. Could there have been things that led to a disconnect in the relationship? Sure. But then the other person should have been a grown ass adult to have a conversation with you, to let you know so that you both could have made choices, choices together. They chose to cheat. That doesn't mean you need to make this about your worth. And the reality is that if you still want someone, it's because it's probably not about them. It's about proving that you are better than the other person. That you are worthy, that you are deserving, that you are good enough. But baby, I'm gonna tell you this. If that person chose to go to somebody else, then that's their choice. What are yours? What are yours? Maybe start to get curious. Why do you want this person so bad? Do you want to prove it to yourself that you can get them that the other person's not as good? That's okay. I hold so much space for whatever it is. And again, I don't. I'm not God. I don't have all the answers. Here's the thing. Want to know why I hate? If he wanted to, he would. Because you're assuming that just because you want something or you know that you should do something different, that you also have the Capacity and the bandwidth. In order to achieve that, want and do are two different parts of the brain. You might not want to date an asshole or the person that's treating you poorly, but here you are doing it. So even though you know better, you might not be doing better. Because there's a difference between bandwidth and capacity and desire. And those two need to align in order for you to make any fucking changes in your life.
- [14:38]
Commercial Announcer 1
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- [15:02]
Commercial Announcer 5
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- [15:27]
Sabrina Zohar
Should I text him? Discarded after five months of consistency. No warning. The fuck are you texting this person for? How little do you love yourself? I'm not being. I don't say that to be mean. This person. Here's the thing. So you've already established they discarded you. So you want to reach out to hoping that they're going to then choose you? Is that what you think you deserve? And you know, I remember you guys know for anybody who doesn't, that conventionally handsome guy, he dropped me like a bad habit. He just couldn't. He wasn't emotionally available, couldn't do it. That all the excuses and shit. And when I reached out to him, ain't shit had changed. Nothing had changed. I remember nine months later and I remember my mama going sabrina, are you really gonna give this guy an opportunity? And I remember going, oh no. And I canceled on him. And he didn't even acknowledge it. He wanted to get dinner at 9:30 at night. Bitch, I'm in bed by then. But I chose myself instead of that. And I met Ryan three months later. I'm not saying that your trajectory is that you're gonna meet your person three months later. When you stop giving people access to you, you allow the right people into your life and stop giving the wrong people more of your fucking time and energy. We're placed in two weeks after eight years together. How do I stop thinking about it? Same same thing that I had said earlier. You don't stop thinking about it. You allow it. You acknowledge it, you feel it, you mourn it and you grieve it. You gotta remember, if you were with somebody for eight years and perhaps they broke up with you, then that means one, they've seen every facet of you. They've seen all sides of you been. That also means that one of a couple of things. Either one, they don't process and they just moved on to the next and they're just bopping. Don't worry, the next person will get everything that you did do. Or they've been processing this from before the breakup. You just found out while they had already been moving on. And so then by the time they were out two weeks later, they moved on to somebody else. I know that that hurts, but then again, is this about the connection or is this about feeling like you were replaced? I think that's valid. I also want to hold space for that. I think that's real. You're allowed to feel sad. You're allowed to be angry. Whoever told you that you need to get over it needs to off. Because if somebody broke your heart or left you or abandoned you or whatever the verbiage we want to use, you have every right to be sad and upset. But then we need to start to get curious. Are you actually sad about losing this person or you sad about what it means about you? Because now we can actually make changes. And then that way you get what you deserve, not what you think you deserve, which is this type of, he blocked me in December. Keeps coming back since January with no meaning and no effort. What should I do? What are your choices? I say this with love, but what do you mean, what should you do? Wait, let me ask you. What are your choices? Oh, yeah, just keep entertaining this. Keep wasting your time, of course, right? This guy's just being a boy. So, sure. No, Your choices are either you can keep doing this. That is a choice. And I want to remind you, that's a conscious choice. Or you can say, no, thank you, I'm not interested. I'm gonna block this person. I'm not gonna answer. You allow people into your life. I had somebody who had written in one saying, well, the guy just keeps showing up at my house and, okay, I don't lock my doors, and he just keeps showing up but like, I can't stop. And it's like you are literally allowing this person access into your life at all times. When they say jump, you say, how high? Instead, what we need to say is, does this work for me? No, it doesn't. So then I'm not gonna keep engaging. Do you keep hitting your head up against the wall, hoping the wall is gonna bleed? Or do you eventually start to notice that you're the one that is? Maybe you deserve better than this. And so I will be here to remind you of that. Is it okay to start dating again if my partner of two and a half years isn't taking forward steps?
- [18:37]
Guest or Co-host
Huh?
- [18:38]
Sabrina Zohar
Well, first of all, what do you mean if they're your partner, are you exclusive? Because if they're not taking. I have a lot of questions here. First of all, nothing is making sense. So first of all, you want to start dating again, but you're saying you have a partner of two and a half years, but they're not taking steps forward. So what you're saying is that you're in a situation shift. That's what it is, that you are with somebody, that you are treating like your partner. But if it's your partner, then that means you guys are breaking up and that you're then going to go out and date and be single. So to me, no, it's not okay to go out and date when you have a partner. What you need to do is have real communication. This is kind of the theme that I'm seeing here is you guys are terrified of having real honest conversations. I understand it feels scary to be rejected. I'm not going to Pollyanna this and pretend as if that feels great, but baby, you keep rejecting yourself every single time you let someone get away with this every single time.
- [19:28]
Guest or Co-host
Time.
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Sabrina Zohar
All right, I'm sorry. This person has wasted two and a half years of your life not moving forward. And so you're asking me if it's okay for you to date? You tell me, is it okay for you to move on with your life when they're clearly not? They, they get to benefit from this. They keep getting access to you and you get nothing from it. You tell me. You tell me. This is a lot. Notice how what is the theme? It's all betting on potential. The idea of them, and they could be this and they could be this, but they're not. So then start to own that. Be discerning. I ended a three year situationship and he agreed to it. Why didn't he end it and waited for me? I Gotta say this with love. The. Does it matter? What do you mean? Why did he end it? Why didn't you earlier? I could say the same thing. What does it matter why he didn't end it with you? He agreed, but you also were in it too. I gotta say this, babes, y' all need to take accountability of your life. It can't just be everyone else, everyone else ever. This is self abandonment. This is you going, well, I didn't say anything. And then when I did, he agreed. So why didn't he say anything? Baby, why didn't you say anything three years ago? Why didn't you stand? I could. I could frame this back. I don't think the question is why didn't he end it and wait for me. What took you so long to end it? Is my question. Betting on potential, hoping that this person was going to change. You do realize you're not getting that time back. You're not getting. I think about that every single day. Every time I'm like, wow, I did all yesterday and I was like lamenting on the couch and acting like a Jack o' lantern and I'm like, I'm not getting that day back. I'm not getting that time back. That instead of being with my family, I was texting somebody, not getting that time back ever. I am going to be vulnerable with you guys. So my mom had brain aneurysms like 8 years ago now, 9 years ago, and they gave her a 3 to 5% chance of survival and she made it. And for years, I was just on my phone and never paying attention. And now, and I'm a lot more present. I'm realizing that my mom is slowly starting to fade away, that after her
- [21:24]
Guest or Co-host
surgery, she isn't the same. And I kick myself for missing those moments, for being so caught up in someone else's stupidity that I missed the presence she had to offer me. And now I take what I could get. And I just wanted to share that because so many of you guys are wasting your life on these people that
- [21:52]
Sabrina Zohar
have no intentions of building a future with you. And instead of taking the fucking bull by the horns, you want a stranger on the Internet to tell you what to do. And I say this with love, but start making choices for yourself that align with the version of you that you want to be. Because you know what? I started to do that now when
- [22:11]
Guest or Co-host
I realized when my mom comes, I
- [22:13]
Sabrina Zohar
say, I'm gonna cancel my day so I can go be with her.
- [22:15]
Guest or Co-host
Because if I can hold on to just a few beautiful moments with her. And one day, that's all I'm gonna have. And so this is just your reminder to please stop wasting your life on
- [22:31]
Sabrina Zohar
people that you won't even remember their fucking name in a couple of years. But you know what? You're gonna remember all the missed opportunities, all the moments you could have spent with your kids, with your friends, with your family, because one day they're not going to be there, but you'll be there with Hugh. Where the fuck are these wastes of time going to be? Onto the next, wasting somebody else's life. You get one, so choose wisely.
- [22:57]
Guest or Co-host
Whew.
- [22:59]
Sabrina Zohar
Well, it's not a good episode if I don't cry, right? Let's get back to it, shall we? And I hope you guys know how much I love you, that you guys get me out of some really dark times, that I have thought about closing the show so many times. I've thought about walking away, because I'll do an episode and go, I don't understand. Where did everybody go? I feel like the kid at lunch in middle school being like, I don't understand. But yesterday you guys were here, and now you're angry with me. And I know that's not what it is, but I've now had to realize, if I'm going to show up in here, then that means I need to show the fuck up. And that means I need to change the way I fucking do things, because that's all I have control over. And I don't want to blink one day and say, man, you hated your way through this. I want to look back and say, man, you fucking did something awesome, and I'm really proud. And so thank you guys for allowing me to be here and be vulnerable and be open and boy, oh, boy, I can't wait for you to fucking read the book. I cried when I read it.
- [23:57]
Commercial Announcer 4
Okay,
- [23:59]
Commercial Announcer 1
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- [24:23]
Guest or Co-host
Date.
- [24:28]
Sabrina Zohar
This summer, serve up the cookout classics craft mayo and dressing. Toss green salads with delicious ranch dressing or zesty Italian. Serve smooth, craveably creamy potato salads with mayo. We all know it's not a cookout without craft. Let's go into another question, shall we? And yay. I'm excited we have more questions for next episode to save. Hey Sabrina, your podcast has been bringing me a lot of peace lately. However, there's still a situation that has been weighing on my heart for almost an entire year now, and I feel as though I've made no progress on letting it go and moving on. This might be a long one. I met this guy on Bumble and instantly the texting chemistry was really good. He seemed really interesting and had such a cool job and we seemed like we had we would be a good match from our interests and the way he bantered but I kept asking to meet in person because I didn't want to get stuck in a text situationship. But he would always say he is busy and never would propose another time but would continue texting me constantly. There is nobody busier than someone that's not interested and what I mean by that is doesn't mean it's you, it means that they might not be interested in a relationship. Finally, two weeks later and we meet in person for a date and the conversation just as well as it did over text. I felt myself falling hard for him fast, but the situation reminded me the same remained the same. He was always texting me and even double texting me if I didn't respond fast enough but would never propose meeting in person and would say no. When I asked to see him. He said over and over it was because he was really demanding job and he's so busy. It will get better soon. We will see each other probably less than once a week for the next two months. But every time it felt so good. I even asked him after the first date if he was really to it or not because he never seemed to want to meet IRL and he insisted he was. I also brought up my intentions for relationship on the third date that I want something meaningful. He said he wanted the same but he needs more time to see if that's what he wants. But it could be. He said yo, are you kidding me right now? All right, we're going to get to it babes. But Angel a month later we have sex with I love you but what the. Because off the bat I don't even need to I'm going to finish reading this. But like ADHD brain comes in this person off the bat you fell in love with the idea of him. You're saying I'm like we just immediately off what? Off what? Off asking each other what your favorite color is. Somebody this is the Epitome of words and actions not aligning. Somebody's saying that they want all these things, but they're doing all to do it. Month later, we have sex for the first time. And the next morning he seemed to still be his same affectionate self. But the moment he left my house, I noticed it changed. No, you were hyper vigilant on that. There was no change. He wasn't ever showing up. He was much slower to respond to texts, didn't initiate any conversations, and I felt like I started doing all the heavy lifting. A week goes by of this and I tell him directly that I noticed the change and to please tell me right now if he's still into it and if not, because I've already been through this once and can't go through it again. He said he still wants to be with me but is overwhelmed by my affection sometimes and still wants to date me, but has he's numb to emotions. I don't understand how many more red flags need to go off in the in your face for us to finally acknowledge that this person never had any intentions of building a relationship. And if he did, I don't want anything that he's building stays like this for another six. Six weeks, baby. He still remains active on texting me, but I only. This is what I mean, that texting doesn't mean anything. Oh, I'm sorry. I love you. Okay. But I only saw him once in the entire five weeks and every time I brought up the distance. He insisted that with long text messages that he was still into me, but he just needs to get his control of his life. Finally, at the end of five weeks, he finally says he can't give me what he wants and he can't hurt me anymore. Long breakup text after not seeing him for weeks.
- [27:34]
Guest or Co-host
What?
- [27:35]
Sabrina Zohar
There is no breakup up. You guys were never in a relationship. There is no breakup text. He told you exactly what I would have told you from day one with someone texting and texting and texting. Texting does not mean that this person wants to build anything with you. Plenty of people can text and not show up. So thank you for proving the point of that texting is I asked him if he can meet me in person to talk about. He agrees and his story suddenly changes to I actually just don't have feelings for you. That's why I've been wanting to see you. You're a lovely girl. I don't feel it, babe. Let me ask you this. What do you think was going to change? So this person tells you so first of all, you have to fight for this person's attention. This person then tells you they don't want to continue this. So you beg them to see them in person.
- [28:15]
Commercial Announcer 2
What?
- [28:15]
Sabrina Zohar
Hoping what? That you could change their mind? That if they saw you that they would just be different? This isn't even being honest with you. From day one, you think you're going to get honesty from him? I was devastated. I couldn't let it go. For months I tried so hard to change his. I can tell. Tried to change his mind because he seemed perplexed about me. And maybe he wasn't used to having a woman. Be so lonely. Loyal, baby, be loyal. You didn't know this person. This is you going after the idea. Let me hear. Let me. Let me ruin this for you. This isn't a romcom. This is not a movie. You don't get the guy that's like the. The bad boy that never can settle down. And then he meets you and all of a sudden he changes. Homeboy had no intentions ever. From the bat. From the get. No intentions. I could tell you from the bat, his dad. And this. Of course, his dad suddenly died and he decided he didn't want to do anything with me, any with me anymore. And that hurt even more because I felt I needed to be there for him. And he was grieving his dad and I didn't know how to let someone know. This sounds pathetic. I thought my love would save him, but I'm just embarrassed myself. Eventually he blocked me and I felt like I went crazy from him showing me such a genuine interest to suddenly not feeling it. How do I move on from this? How you move on from it is that you started acknowledging that you fell for the idea of him. And this has nothing to do with him. You liked the idea of it. You liked the fantasy that you started to build in between you. It here. It would be one thing if you're like, this guy showed up all the time and here, baby, I understand it. You're embarrassed. That's real. That's real. I don't want to make you feel even worse about yourself, but, honey, I think we need some tough love here. You didn fall for him. You were devastated about the fact that you got rejected. Not that you didn't get him. You were devastated that he didn't choose you. But it's. How do you. What is it about him? What do you know about him? You say I need to be there for him. Baby, you don't need to fix anybody. You don't know this person and that is incredibly overwhelming. I'll never forget the second date I had with this guy when I told him all these trauma dumped on him. And he called me the next day, and he was like, I didn't know how to show up for you. He was like, I don't know you well enough. This was so intense and heavy. I don't know you. Like, we.
- [30:02]
Guest or Co-host
We.
- [30:03]
Sabrina Zohar
We knew each other for, like, a month.
- [30:04]
Commercial Announcer 6
Month.
- [30:04]
Sabrina Zohar
And he wasn't wrong. He wasn't wrong. Because what happens is you're trying to force vulnerability, and you're not looking at the fact that this person's not showing up with any action you're taking that he keeps going, no, no, I like you. It's like, okay, cool. I could say that all day. I could say that all day. But if I don't show up, what. What are we doing here then? And what's happening is that when you're forcing vulnerability, that can feel like pressure to a lot of people. Because then it's like, whoa, I don't know this person. Now, I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Both of you guys played into this dynamic. He wasted your time. He was str you along. But then you also weren't discerning. You were looking at the idea of it. Because here's the thing. When we're together, it's amazing, but when we're not in hell in a hand basket, it's like, then you are only feeling good because you felt like he chose you in that moment. But if you are actually being present and in your body, I would all but argue to go, wait. But I don't like how inconsistent you are. One minute you're, like, super into me, and then the next, it's, you don't want to see me. And then now all of a sudden, you're really busy, but then you have no problem coming. And me and. And it's like. And here's the thing. Once he slept with you, he got the full picture. I'm not saying that that's a negative, but that's the reality, right? Like, anytime I've slept with someone, you have to go, okay, well, there's no fantasy left anymore. This is who they are. So I either want to pursue this or I don't. And that's it. That's what I mean by like, you can dangle this carrot all you want. It doesn't matter how long you wait. That person can still deci decide at any time that they don't want to pursue this. And I think the harsh Love and reality here is you self abandon. So hard to get someone to pick you. That's a trauma response, and I know it all too well because I used to do it all the time. I used to do it for you guys. I did. I would record episodes that I had zero interest in making because I was like, oh, I just want to make them happy. I want to get them to choose me. I want to get them to come back without going, wait. But then they leave me anyways because the minute I make an episode they don't like, that's it, done. Don't want to listen anymore. Okay, make that into your dating life. Right, make that. I'm not dating. So it's hard for me to give you an exact correlation, but how do you move on? One, you accept it and you get really real with yourself. Of like, no, I'm not proud of the way I showed up. No, I am not proud of how I handled this. And that's okay. I'm allowed to be a human. I'm allowed to say that the way I showed up wasn't appropriate. I'm allowed to get curious. I want you to take out pen and paper. This is your tool of the week for everybody. Why don't you take out a piece of paper? Paper and a pen, not your phone. And I want you to write on one side, what do I like about them, and then on the other, what are the facts? Do I have to back this up? I love that they're so loving and caring. Okay, what facts do you have to back that up? They text me every day. Nope, that's not enough. Sorry. What I want to see is they're empathetic, they're warm, they are considerate and caring. They're incredibly reciprocal and consistent. Okay, you need time to figure all those things out. You need data, you need to be with this person. You have to collect that over time. And I know, baby, I think what's happening is you're not getting over the fact that you're embarrassed, that you feel ashamed, and all this. It's like, yeah, he blocked you. I'm glad he did. So that you could finally stop with this. This merry go round of convincing. And I used to do it. I used to convince them because I genuinely thought it was a movie. I genuinely believed if I could just get them to see me. It never worked out. I had hooked up with this guy and I remember begging him to see me for lunch. And when I met, he was such a fucking asshole. He was so rude. He was so cold. And callous. And I was like, fuck this. I remember leaving being like, you know what? Doodles Cha. And I knew that prior. I knew the way he had handled the whole situation was incredibly immature and asinine and he love bombed me. And then he totally pulled away and changed his tune and canceled plans last minute. And I was like, I knew it. Writing was on the wall. Writing was on the wall. From the second we started texting with the way he stalked me, talk to me, I think that came out as stalked me, not stalked. And. But the reality was I wasn't being discerning. I wasn't seeing it. I didn't want to see it. I wanted to see what I wanted to see, which was they're going to choose me. They're going to pick me. We're going to run off into this un. But having a dopamine addiction loop with texting isn't gonna get you the relationship that you deserve. That I can promise you. And so you wanna get over this, you gotta get through it. You gotta start to actually cry and grieve the actual things you're sad about, the actual real. And then start to hold in space. I don't want this. That's not what I wanted. That's the hardest thing. That was the hardest thing. When Ryan and I had a conversation recently and we said, this isn't what I want, this dynamic. I love you, but the way that we're doing things doesn't work the way we're working together and the way we live together. And it's just, we need to redo. That actually was really painful because when I had to admit it, I then had to realize that now I have to do something about it because I can't just pretend. And I'll tell you something my brother said. I want to give you the best advice that my big brother gave me. If you're going through a breakup right now, I want you to consider. Do you want to be uncomfortable for six months or for the rest of your life? Which one's longer? Because if you're scared of saying, oh, but for the next few months, I'll be single. Okay. Okay. Would you want to be miserable for the rest of your life with this person? I didn't think so. Because you get one, maybe start showing up for that little. Start being there for you and start making promises that you are going to show up differently in the way that you date. That includes not giving your time to people that are clearly wasting it baby, hoping that they're going to change because you were hoping if you just loved him enough that he would real. You don't know this person. You're about like five dates. Five dates. And you think you want to be there for him when his dad's dying. It's just. It's overwhelming. This person doesn't know how to let that person let somebody in like that. And they showed you that from the beginning and it's okay. This isn't about shame. And I am not trying to say like, I can't believe you didn't see it. It's about going, oh, what made me think that that was love? What made me think that that was what I wanted? What made me think that that was something I deserve? Those are the questions I want you to start asking yourself. Friends, we're going to save some more for the next episode. And I'm so grateful for you guys and I'm grateful to see how the show's going to evolve. I'm going to start riffing, I'm just going to start having less notes and come in here and just fucking talk with my friends. Please don't forget to pre order my book. The pre orders are the only way I get on the New York Times bestseller list. It's the only way that I could grow. It's the only way I can be in Target and all the bookstores. So please, please, please. We are a few thousand aways. We sabrinazoar.com book enter it for your freebies. Please don't DM me your receipt. I cannot help you. And thank you for being here. If you guys need anything, rate and review the show, please don't forget to share it with a friend. And I hope you guys just come back every week because I'm trying to create a show where we get to get excited to be together and it's not just beholden on the title or. Well, I don't like this episode so I'm not gonna listen. I wanna create a community where we come together every week because we're excited to be together. So thank you for joining and if you're just here for an episode, that's okay too. I so appreciate you being here here. I love you guys and I'm so grateful for you. And if you need anything, check it out at the website and if not, I'll see you guys next week. Thanks.
- [36:10]
Commercial Announcer 6
Friends.
- [36:18]
Commercial Announcer 2
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- [36:33]
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Commercial Announcer 3
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- [37:26]
Commercial Announcer 1
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- [38:03]
Commercial Announcer 6
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- [38:35]
Commercial Announcer 7
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- [39:04]
Sabrina Zohar
Got a Sam's Cafe pizza?
- [39:05]
Commercial Announcer 3
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- [39:09]
Sabrina Zohar
You know the best part about this spicy Italian sausage? I voted for this topping. Yeah, just another perk of being a member. Come join us.
- [39:17]
Commercial Announcer 7
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- [39:34]
Sabrina Zohar
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- [39:41]
Commercial Announcer 8
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- [39:44]
Sabrina Zohar
Using AI alerts, US based live agents help deter break ins. Simplisafe no long term contracts. Save 50% on your new system with professional monitoring@simplisafe.com Spotify or with promo code Spotify Outdoor Deterrence requires a Simplisafe Outdoor Protection plan starting at $49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information.
- [40:03]
Commercial Announcer 8
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