The School of Greatness: Heal First, Love Better – The Repair Framework That Changes Everything

Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Baya Voce
Date: October 20, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The School of Greatness dives deep into healing and emotional repair in relationships, featuring relationship expert Baya Voce. The focus is on understanding how individual healing shapes relationship dynamics, the vital role of boundaries, the myth of “truth” in relationships, and practical strategies for emotional regulation. Through candid personal stories, clinical insight, and actionable frameworks, Lewis and Baya explore how healing first is essential to loving better and creating lasting intimacy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myth of Truth in Relationships

• Baya’s Perspective on Relationship Reality
  • “There is no truth in relationship. There are just two people who are having their own experiences and you live in your world and I live over here in my world. And as long as we're arguing for the truth, we're both going to lose because the truth doesn't actually exist.” [02:06, Baya]
  • Emphasizes letting go of the need to be "right" in a relationship argument.

2. Baya's Journey: From Dating Men to Marrying a Woman

• Shares her story of dating men exclusively until her mid-30s, then meeting her wife, Emmy.
• Talks about not having a stereotypical "coming out," but realizing attraction to Emmy.
• “My aperture has opened since being with Emmy. I did not imagine I would be attracted to a woman. I saw her, and something lit up in me.” [04:14, Baya]

3. Navigating Heartbreak and Deception

• Engagement That Ended in Betrayal
  • Details a relationship marked by love bombing, sudden engagement, and a shattering breakup with a man who lied about his life.
  • The pain of public shame and doubting herself having been deceived, especially while acting as a public matchmaker and dating advisor.
  • “The amount of shame that I felt. I never thought this could happen to somebody like me in a million years.” [10:19, Baya]

4. Recognizing Relationship Patterns & Choosing to Heal

• Both Lewis and Baya discuss how repeated painful relationship dynamics drove them to self-inquiry and personal development work.
• “It wasn't until I took full responsibility that I was the common denominator of all these, that I was the one that needed to heal the wounded parts of me…” [12:17, Lewis]

5. Practicing Emotional Regulation Under Pressure

• The need to practice tools of nervous system regulation while in relationships, not just while single.
• Lewis describes his own journey of sticking with therapy instead of walking away, integrating tools while under stress, and ultimately finding a peaceful closure.
• “Integrating tools in the chaos, when it doesn't feel good… and that's what it allowed me to have, harmony in my soul.” [16:18, Lewis]
• Baya likens it to “exposure therapy,” little by little building resilience by tolerating discomfort. [16:29, Baya]

6. Friction is Necessary for Growth

• The danger of expecting “frictionless” experiences in life vs. the importance of facing real-life tension for personal and relational growth.
• “What we actually need, time and time again, is to come up against...friction...Our nervous systems need this. Our nervous systems need to come up against friction and know that we're okay and then see that we're safe and then do it again and again.” [17:25–17:45, Baya]
• Real-life examples: Discussing small annoyances (like room temperature) as "training reps" for bigger boundary-setting.

7. Boundaries: What They Are and What They Are Not

• Clarifies the difference between boundaries and threats/ultimatums.

  • “A boundary is a way to take care of yourself.” [24:44, Baya]

• Boundary red flags in relationships:

  1. Needing others to change so you feel better [26:20, Baya]
  2. Threats or ultimatums as “boundaries”
  3. Not knowing your own needs and limits

• Notable Quote:

  • “You have to accept me for who I am, where I'm at... I'm never going to try to change you.” [28:56, Lewis]

8. The Change vs. Acceptance Polarity

• Describes the dynamic where one partner pushes for change/growth, and the other leans toward acceptance/rest/stability.
• Both extremes have pros and cons and the healthiest relationships find balance.
• “Both sides need to...come to one another and say this, neither is right...When one partner is like, let's go to therapy, and the other is like, we don't need therapy, when those two poles stretch, that's going to be really tough.” [32:13–32:44, Baya]
• Practice: Spending three months without therapy to learn to let things go, leading to new relationship insights.

9. Disillusionment: The End of Hope for Change

• Every long-term relationship hits a phase where you must accept your partner (and the relationship) as is, and grieve hopes for something fundamentally different.
• “Disillusionment is the process of moving from hope that things will be different to acceptance that things are the way they are and it may not change.” [42:07, Baya]
• Turning point: After doing your part (growth, boundaries), decide to accept the relationship or move on.

10. Self-Regulation, Jealousy, and Safety In Relationships

• The journey from jealousy and insecurity to inner peace depends partly on self-work but also on partners' energetic boundaries.
• “If your partner actually has clean, energetic boundaries, is how I might say it, then there's nothing in you that's pointing to anything leaky.” [69:57, Baya]
• Self-assuredness: Knowing that “no matter what happens, you’re going to be okay” enables true boundary-setting. [75:13, Baya]

11. Ongoing Healing and Relational Integration

• Healing in relationships is ongoing—old triggers can manifest even in new, healthy relationships (example: Baya’s “trust signal” post-betrayal).
• Importance of distinguishing between “signal” (emotional triggers) and “story” (the narrative you build around them).
• “Trust the signal, not the story.” [59:30, Baya]

12. Next-Gen Couples Therapy: MDMA-Assisted Work

• Introducing MDMA-assisted couples therapy research as a way to support regulation in those with deep trauma.
• “It gives you an imprint of what it’s actually like to be regulated in a difficult conversation.” [64:21, Baya]

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “There is no truth in relationship. There are just two people who are having their own experiences…” [02:06, Baya]
• “You have to accept me for who I am, where I’m at...and I’m never going to try to change you.” [28:56, Lewis]
• “Disillusionment is the process of moving from hope that things will be different to acceptance that things are the way they are...” [42:07, Baya]
• “Trust the signal, not the story.” [59:30, Baya]
• “If you know in your heart of hearts that no matter what happens you’re going to be okay...you’ll be better able to set boundaries.” [75:13, Baya]
• “Friendship is one of the most important investments you’ll ever make.” [79:24, Baya]

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [02:06] – The myth of truth in relationships
• [04:14] – Baya’s awakening to attraction beyond gender
• [10:19] – Experiencing betrayal and shame as a dating expert
• [16:29] – Building resilience: exposure therapy & emotional regulation
• [22:06] – Why friction is necessary and how we avoid it in a digital world
• [24:44] – What boundaries truly are (and are not)
• [32:13] – Change partner vs. acceptance partner dynamic
• [42:07] – Disillusionment in relationships and letting go of hopes for change
• [59:30] – Differentiating signals vs. stories in relationship triggers
• [64:21] – MDMA-assisted couples therapy and emotional regulation
• [69:57] – The role of clean energetic boundaries in building trust and minimizing jealousy
• [75:13] – Why self-assurance determines how well you set and hold boundaries
• [79:24] – Baya’s “Three Truths” for life

Baya Voce’s Three Truths

[79:24]

1. Bending over backwards in relationship is not love: Contorting yourself won’t get you the love you hope for.
2. Friendship is one of the most important investments you’ll ever make: Cherish and cultivate long-standing friendships.
3. Sleep a lot: You are a better version of yourself when rested—ignore the “sleep when you’re dead” myth.

Definition of Greatness

[82:17]

“Being willing to look in the mirror at what is yours to own, and then admitting that to the people around you who’ve been hurt by the way you may have shown up—even if it was unintentional—because it probably was. And then being kind and gentle with yourself in that process.” – Baya Voce

Guest Resources

• Website: bayavoce.com
• Instagram: @bayavoce
• Free repair PDF with scripts for conflict resolution and a change/effort mismatch worksheet are available on her website.

Episode Takeaways

• Healing is a prerequisite for deep loving and healthy boundaries.
• Emotional regulation is a learned skill and a life-long practice.
• Accepting yourself and your partner “as is”—while continuing to grow—is the foundation for long-term intimacy.
• Conflict, friction, and periodic disillusionment are not signs of failure but opportunities for growth and transformation.
• Healthy friendships are as vital as romantic partnerships for well-being.

This episode offers a blueprint for anyone seeking more peace, self-awareness, and loving connection in their relationships—anchored in the courage to heal first, so we can love better.