Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness – How To Deal With Being Broken Up With

Host: Lewis Howes
Date: February 4, 2026

Episode Overview

In this solo episode, Lewis Howes explores the often-painful experience of breakups and why embracing singlehood can be a transformative season. Drawing on his own journey from relationship struggles to a deeply connected marriage, Lewis breaks down “the five things I wish someone had taught me sooner” about why being single is the essential foundation for lasting, healthy love. With uplifting honesty, practical exercises, and personal anecdotes—including insight from his wife, Martha, and relationship expert Matthew Hussey—Lewis guides listeners through all the highs and lows of moving on and building real self-worth, confidence, and readiness for partnership.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Value of Being Single: Learning Who You Are

[01:25]

• Lewis stresses the societal pressure to find someone quickly and the stigma of singlehood, flipping the narrative:

  “What if being single isn’t a problem you need to fix? What if it’s a season to build the greatest version of yourself?” [02:01]

• He explains that being single gives critical space:
  • To ask hard questions: What do I really want? What am I avoiding?
  • To define your own voice and identity, rather than losing yourself in relationships as a form of distraction.
• Memorable encouragement:

  “You can’t build a healthy ‘we’ until you know who you are.” [02:24]

• Lewis shares his history of jumping into relationships to avoid loneliness, then realizing the need to enjoy his own company and set real standards rather than letting chemistry mask as compatibility.

Exercise:

• Look in the mirror and reflect: “Are you proud of you? Are you happy with the boundaries and standards you’re setting?”

2. Healing Old Wounds Before You Bleed on Others

[11:45]

• Lewis warns that failing to heal from past hurts leads us to “bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” [11:51]
• He relates his own story of playing football with a broken wrist for months, using it as a metaphor: Unhealed emotional wounds will be triggered by anyone who gets close—until you do the work.
• The “healing journey” for Lewis involved stillness, workshops, therapy, journaling, and courageous self-reflection.

Key Quote:

“If you don’t heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” [11:51]

• Importance of facing yourself:

  “It’s hard to heal if you’re always distracting yourself with the next thing that creates chemical feelings inside your body.” [13:34]

3. Building True Confidence: Not Based on Being Chosen

[29:58]

• Lewis distinguishes between two types of confidence:
  • Confidence from within—a secure knowledge that you’ll be okay whether a relationship succeeds or fails.
  • Dependent confidence—validation that disappears with rejection.
• Work on validating your own worth, not relying on attention:

  “If your confidence comes from being chosen, oh my friend, it’s going to disappear the moment you’re rejected.” [30:03]

• Lewis shares, “I lost years of my life trying to please other people… It exhausted me physically, emotionally, mentally.” [33:37]
• The antidote: Build the kind of confidence that says, “I’ll be okay if they stay, and I’ll be okay if they leave.”

4. Raising Standards vs. Raising Walls

[36:02]

• Explains the difference between high and low standards:

  “Low standards come from a fear of being alone. High standards come from a peace with yourself.” [36:06]

• When you're comfortable being single, you stop:

  • Settling for bad behavior
  • Over-explaining red flags
  • Staying too long in misaligned relationships

• Lewis discusses boundaries and transparent standards in dating Martha—the commitment to therapy and aligning on values before physical connection as examples.

Martha’s Perspective:
[41:00]

• Martha (Lewis' wife) joins briefly to share that curiosity (not judgment) helped her avoid trying to change people.
• She stresses that knowing yourself is crucial for identifying a truly compatible partner.
• On dealing with differing values:

  “Accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship. That’s why knowing yourself is so important.” [44:19]

5. Preparation for Lasting, Healthy Love

[54:52]

• The “single season” is where you lay the foundation for a great relationship:
  • Emotional responsibility
  • Self-awareness
  • Loving without losing yourself
• Lewis and Martha’s relationship works, not because they “complete” each other, but because they “come to the table open to growth, open to self-healing, open to becoming better versions of ourselves every day.” [54:54]

Final Encouragement:

“Being single is not a failure, it’s a foundation.” [56:44]
“The best relationships are created by people who learned how to stand strong on their own first, who learned how to heal their own wounds, who learned how to forgive and not hold on to resentment.” [58:22]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You can’t build a healthy ‘we’ until you know who you are.” – Lewis Howes [02:24]
• “If you don’t heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” – Lewis Howes [11:51]
• “Our nervous system imprint is created at a very early point in life and we spend the rest of our lives replicating that if we’re not careful.” – Matthew Hussey [22:34]
• “Confidence is knowing you’ll be okay if they stay and you’ll be okay if they leave.” – Lewis Howes [34:15]
• “Low standards come from a fear of being alone. High standards come from a peace with yourself.” – Lewis Howes [36:06]
• “Accepting the other person is one of the biggest things to create a beautiful relationship. That’s why knowing yourself is so important.” – Martha [44:19]
• “Being single is not a failure, it’s a foundation.” – Lewis Howes [56:44]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:25] – Introduction to the value of being single
• [11:45] – Healing your wounds before new relationships
• [16:11] – Lewis on therapy and doing the healing work before commitment
• [22:34] – Matthew Hussey explains patterns, nervous system imprints, and why we repeat relationship mistakes
• [29:58] – Building real confidence versus dependent confidence
• [36:02] – How being single raises standards, not walls
• [41:00] – Martha joins for sharing personal perspective on curiosity, values, and acceptance
• [54:52] – The goal: becoming ready for healthy, lasting love

Actionable Advice & Exercises

• Mirror exercise: Practice self-affirmation and genuine reflection.
• Journal your non-negotiables: Write down your values, character traits, and vision for future relationships.
• Conduct a “values alignment” meditation/visualization with a partner (or for yourself).

Closing Thoughts

Lewis invites listeners to shift the paradigm:

• Don’t treat singlehood as a problem; use it as a growth season.
• Heal, clarify your values, build internal confidence, establish standards, and prepare for a love that’s a partnership of equals—not a search for “completion.”
• “I’m building me”—that’s the spirit he champions for everyone navigating the pain of a breakup or the ambiguity of being alone.
• “The love you want later is being built by the work you do on yourself right now.” [57:56]

For further exploration and tools, check out the show notes and leave your reflections with the theme #ImBuildingMe.

[Listeners are encouraged to share comments and connect on social media, embracing this journey of becoming the greatest version of themselves.]