The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes

Episode: How to Detach From Work Before It Destroys Your Life | Dr. Guy Winch
Date: January 5, 2026
Guest: Dr. Guy Winch, psychologist, TED speaker, author of Mind Over Grind

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the profound impact of work-related stress on our relationships, emotional health, and identity. Renowned psychologist Dr. Guy Winch joins Lewis Howes to explore how unchecked work obsession and burnout erode joy, connection, and even love—both with others and ourselves. Drawing from his latest book, Mind Over Grind, Dr. Winch delivers actionable advice for regaining psychological boundaries, restoring emotional balance, and reclaiming life outside the grind.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Work Stress Spills into Relationships

• Chronic work stress doesn’t just affect the employee—it spills over to partners and family, creating secondary burnout and undermining intimacy and joy at home.
  • “If you are stressed out at work, your partner who might not be working will start to develop symptoms of burnout.” (Dr. Winch, 01:28)
• The concept of ‘autopilot mode’ leaves people numb, missing opportunities to assess whether relationships or life itself are still fulfilling.

2. Unpacking Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

• Many remain in toxic or unsatisfying relationships due to fear, sunk cost fallacy, or unhealed emotional wounds.
  • “They tell themselves that's the best they can do... it's a sunk cost kind of thing.” (Dr. Winch, 05:05)
• Healing begins by looking inward: “When you've healed the wounds within you, you are more likely to choose more healthy relationship partners and to form healthier relationships.” (03:43)

3. The Illusion of Work-Life Balance & Identity Loss

• Work-life boundaries often erode—especially if one is passionate about their job—leading to a gradual amputation of other self-aspects.
• Dr. Winch provides a thought experiment: “If tomorrow work were taken away... Who are you then? What's your life about then?” (13:34-13:38)
• The slow encroachment of duty, with joy treated as a ‘nice to have’ instead of essential, leads to pervasive burnout.

4. Why Burnout Persists Despite Increased Awareness

• Knowledge about burnout and the necessity of work-life balance is at an all-time high—so why is burnout peaking?
• Burnout is not limited to the workplace; it follows us home via rumination and unchecked stress responses.
• “For many... they’re desperate to switch off at the end of the day, and they cannot.” (Dr. Winch, 16:36)

5. Strategies to Stop Bringing Work Home (Psychological Detachment)

A. Rituals & Transitions

• End your workday when you stop thinking about work—not when you clock out.
  • “Your workday ends when you stop thinking about work.” (22:42)
• Develop a sensory routine to signal the transition: lighting, music, specific clothing, even scent.
  • “Our clothing is very embodied as a cognition... Have different t-shirts and jeans [for work and home].” (24:19-24:21)
• Schedule ‘chill mode’ or relaxation into your calendar so your brain knows to switch gears. (25:40-25:46)

B. Recharging vs. Relaxation

• Passive relaxation alone (binge-watching, doom scrolling) does not recharge; active engagement is essential.
  • “Relaxation is only 50% of the story... What will fill the battery is something active that is recharging for you.” (Dr. Winch, 26:36-27:03)

C. Breaking Rumination

• Rumination is both mentally and physically harmful; it perpetuates stress and prevents proper detachment.
  • “When you're ruminating, you are flooding yourself with cortisol.” (29:17)
• Dr. Winch’s method: shrink the emotion, then pose the underlying problem as a solvable question.
  • Example: “Do I need to address this with my boss? If so, how?” (31:31-32:50)

6. Work Stress and Romantic Love

• Chronic stress numbs feelings—many who think they’ve “fallen out of love” are often emotionally blocked by work’s pressures.

  • “People can fall out of love when they're really chronically stressed because it's numbing.” (33:23)

• The dynamic is self-perpetuating: the stressed partner is emotionally unavailable; the other becomes distant, compounding the problem.

7. Reshaping the Narrative Around Stress

• Framing matters: Instead of saying “My job is stressful,” say “My job has stressful elements.”

  • “The first thing you can do... stop telling yourself that your job is very stressful.” (38:07-39:31)

• Seek joy and use micro-moments throughout the day: favorite lunch, a meme, music, or small chats with friends.

• “Stress is entirely psychological... our tolerances and what we're telling ourselves.” (40:28)

8. Emotional First Aid & Healthy Self-Talk

• Negative self-talk—calling oneself a “loser,” “ugly,” “stupid”—is profoundly damaging, likened to self-abuse.

  • “It's abusive... even worse than when somebody does it to you externally.” (Dr. Winch, 68:28-68:30)

• Replace the critical voice through conscious cognitive retraining.

  • “You are literally doing cognitive retraining... Being on guard 24/7.” (71:58-72:00)

• Don’t bully yourself for the years lost to negative self-talk:

  • “You don't get to beat yourself up for doing something for decades if you're still doing it.” (Dr. Winch, 73:25)

9. Building Healthy Relationships with Emotional Wounds

• New couples should openly acknowledge their “stuff,” keep honest, regular check-ins, and view challenges through the lens of healing—not blame.
  • “Let's start with that acknowledgement that we have some stuff that might impact us... Let’s keep ongoing dialogue.” (56:10-57:20)
• Therapy from the start can help solidify this foundation. (57:20-58:13)

10. Creative Ways to Rekindle Relationships

• “Time travel” date: reenact an early memorable date, from clothes to venue, to reignite lost passion and remind each other of first feelings.
  • “Reenact one of the earlier dates... literally try and set [everything] as it was.” (Dr. Winch, 58:29-60:52)

11. Healthy Arguments, Bias in Friend Advice, and the Role of AI

• For some, arguing by text/email can reduce escalation and create clarity—especially when miscommunication runs high.
  • “Composing the text...immediately brings you down from amygdala activation.” (44:51)
• Be wary of seeking friends’ advice—bias, jealousy, or lack of expertise can skew perceptions. (53:26-54:11)
• AI is more useful as a brainstorming tool for positive gestures or difficult conversations than for “litigating” relationship drama. (47:25-48:58)

12. Self-Respect and the Power of Inner Dialogue

• Self-respect is maintained or lost based on our own inner voice.
  • “Do not bully yourself. Do not chastise yourself.” (65:25-66:45)
• Your thoughts dictate reality far more than circumstances:
  • “We can control not just how we respond, but how we think, more than we allow ourselves to.” (Dr. Winch, 79:15)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your workday ends when you stop thinking about work.” (Dr. Guy Winch, 22:42)
• “If you are stressed out at work, your partner...will start to develop symptoms of burnout.” (01:28)
• “People can fall out of love when they’re really chronically stressed because it’s numbing.” (33:23)
• “Relaxation is only 50% of the story...What will fill the battery is something active that is recharging for you.” (26:36-27:03)
• "It's abusive...even worse than when somebody does it to you externally." (68:28-68:30)
• “If you say to yourself, 'I hate my job' and you're not looking for another job, it's a problem.” (42:23)

Important Timestamps

| Time | Segment/Topic | |-----------|------------------------------------------------| | 01:28 | Work stress ‘infects’ loved ones | | 06:10 | Why relationships “drop out” as we change | | 10:00 | How work undermines home life | | 13:34 | Thought experiment: who are you without work? | | 22:42 | True end of the workday: stopping ruminations | | 24:19 | Rituals for psychological detachment | | 26:36 | Difference between relaxation and recharging | | 29:17 | Dangers of rumination & self-sabotage | | 33:23 | How chronic stress numbs love | | 38:07 | Reframing: 'my job has stressful elements' | | 44:51 | Arguing via text/email: pros and cons | | 56:10 | Relationship game plan for emotional wounds | | 58:29 | “Time travel” to reignite relationship passion | | 68:28 | Self-talk as abuse | | 73:25 | Don’t beat yourself up for the past | | 79:15 | Three truths for thriving amidst uncertainty |

Three Truths & Definition of Greatness

Dr. Guy Winch’s Final Lessons:

1. “We can control not just how we respond, but how we think.” (79:15)
2. “Our thoughts dictate our reality...and we have more control than we think.”
3. “What matters in life are two things: your relationships and your experiences...your accomplishments themselves matter less.”

Definition of Greatness:
“A constant curve of self-improvement...to want to master [yourself] and your responses...to become the best version of you that you can be.” (81:47-82:35)

Conclusion

Dr. Guy Winch makes a compelling case for deliberate psychological separation between work and life, active engagement in joy and recuperation, and the absolute necessity of managing self-talk and emotional wounds—both to prevent burnout and to live more fully. His practical wisdom is a timely guide for anyone wrestling with the encroachment of work stress on relationships and overall happiness.

For more insights: Find Dr. Guy Winch at guywinch.com & on Instagram. Check out his new book, Mind Over Grind.