← The School of Greatness
The School of Greatness
How to STOP Letting People Walk All Over You (5 Real Strategies)
00:44:43
You keep saying yes when your body is screaming no, and it's killing your self-respect. This episode will show you exactly how to reclaim your power by setting boundaries that protect your energy without apologizing for who you are.
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- [00:02]
Lewis Howes
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- [00:35]
Lewis Howes
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- [01:14]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Old friends and build new relationships that actually matter.
- [01:18]
Lewis Howes
From alumni groups and local events to Marketplace and shared memories, Facebook helps bring.
- [01:24]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
People closer in meaningful ways.
- [01:26]
Lewis Howes
It's where nostalgia meets possibility, reminding us that the smallest interactions can spark lasting connection.
- [01:33]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Let's reconnect this holiday season. Explore more with Facebook today. Welcome back my friend, to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes and if you are sick and tired of letting.
- [01:44]
Lewis Howes
People walk all over you and feeling.
- [01:46]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Disrespected, then this is for you. And you know why people walk all over you? Well, it's not because they're stronger than you. It's because you haven't set the rules. The rules matter. And here's the truth. Respect doesn't come from being liked. It comes from showing people how to treat you. That's right. I used to get this wrong all the time. I used to love everyone, to like me and be happy with me all the time. And that's where I failed every day. I thought if I said yes to everyone, if I helped everyone constantly, and if I avoided conflict, if I kept everyone happy and keep the peace around me, then I would earn their respect. But unfortunately the opposite happened to me. The more I tried to please people the more I tried to make everyone happy, the more I tried to get everyone to like me and be their friend, the less people valued me. So what changed? Well, I built habits that protected my boundaries. And the moment I did, people started treating me differently. In this episode, I'm going to be sharing the five strategies that help me stop being walked on and will help you earn real respect also. And again, if you feel like you are sick and tired of not feeling peace with the people around you, it's probably because you try to make everyone like you, love you, respect you. But you've been doing it the wrong way. And the first strategy to this process is to own your no. Own your no. Most people are afraid of saying no, but this is what you need to step into. If you can't say no, your yes means nothing. Now, boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're gates to protect what matters most. And the difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything. I love this quote from Warren Buffett. And I used to think saying no would make a lot of people dislike me. So for years, all I would do is just say yes to everyone. If they ask me for a favor, yes. What do you need? If they ask me to give them endorsement on something, yes, I'll do it. If they ask me to promote them, sure. I got you. Whatever it was, I'd say yes to someone else. Whenever I did that, I was saying no to myself, especially if it was distracting me or pulling me away constantly from taking action or on the things that I needed to be doing in that moment. And the moment I started practicing no with clarity and kindness, people started respecting me differently. Now, I didn't always get people to like that, you know, right. When you start creating boundaries, especially if you've been a people pleaser your entire life, let me know if that's been you. If you've ever been a people pleaser and you start creating boundaries, it rubs people the wrong way. People don't like it. Some people will respect it. But some people get really frustrated with you. And this is a test. This is a test for you to say, okay, I ruffled some feathers. People started saying things about me that I've changed. And you have to see if you're willing to step forward and own your power and be okay with the mess of people not liking you, for people to respect you. But it's very uncomfortable when you first start practicing it. That's why it takes time, it takes reps, It Takes consistency to develop that respect muscle by saying no to people. And again, I said with kindness and clarity. I didn't say, be a jerk. I didn't say put people down to get them to respect you. Kindness and clarity, you can say no. This doesn't work for me right now. And maybe in the future, feel free to reach out, but that's what we need to be doing. And I want you to pick one request today that you would normally say yes to out of guilt, and instead say, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't take that on right now. Ooh, watch what happens. Watch what happens. Someone that's going to reach out to you today to ask you for money, say, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't take that on right now. Ooh, someone's not going to like this. They are not going to like you saying no to them if you said yes over and over again. If someone says, hey, can you pick up my shift? And you always pick up their shift, but you never take care of your health and you miss out on your gym exercises because you're always saying yes to someone else, say, no, I can't pick this up for you right now, but thank you for thinking of me. If they ask you to babysit, whatever, it is something you normally do out of guilt, now if you want to do something, if you generally want to in this moment, then sure, do it. But if you feel like you feel bad or you feel like you're getting taken advantage of, or you feel like you're doing it out of guilt, that's not respect, that's not power. That's fear that you're living into because you don't want someone else to not like you. But I'm telling you, the more you disrespect yourself by saying yes to others, by doing things you don't truly want to do, authentically, you're living a lie. You're living out of integrity and out of alignment with yourself and with your highest version of you, and you're doing something you really don't want to do, and that is out of alignment. And whenever you're out of alignment with yourself, you're fracturing yourself psychologically, emotionally, physically. Something is getting fractured because it's not in alignment anymore. So we have to reclaim this energy. We have to reclaim our power back. And this doesn't make you bad and wrong. If you've been doing this for a long time, it just means this is the awareness that you needed right now. This is the reminder to take your power back, to step into that self respect so that you can create boundaries with others and create respect within them. Now, they may not like you, they may not enjoy this, they like the version of you that they can always count on. That's going to discount yourself to help them with something. They like that version of you, but no more. You're killing that version of yourself that has been weakened by needing people to. To like you, to love you, to what you think is respect you. But really they're not respecting you. They're taking advantage of you and you're allowing it. This doesn't make them wrong. They're not bad people. They've made a request and you've always said yes. This is just time for you to start doing something differently. And again, something you would normally say yes to. Today, I want you to say I appreciate you for thinking of me, but I can't take that on right now. You can say it kind, you can say it with clarity. You don't have to be aggressive and mean and say you always take advantage of me and screw you. You don't have to do that. You can just start shifting things. And the more you shift, the more the relationship will shift within you and the relationships will shift around you. And I want you to take this on. I want you to start taking action right now because you're going to start to see monumental shifts in your life. You're going to start to see incredible energy show up inside of you that you've never had before.
- [09:00]
Lewis Howes
You're going to have incredible power that.
- [09:02]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
You'Ve never possessed before because you've never had the courage to use your words courageously to create a healthy boundary. And this comes from psychological wounds, emotional wounds, never feeling like you were enough, whatever it might be. I had this for decades, my friend. I know how this feels and I feel for you. If you're feeling this right now, if you felt like you've been walked on.
- [09:29]
Lewis Howes
If you felt like you don't have.
- [09:30]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
The respect you want, if you felt like you've been giving and giving and giving and you feel like you're getting taken advantage of, that's how I felt most of my life. And I did it out of survival for many years to try to survive psychologically. And I just kept that habit up for a long time. And it doesn't make me bad and wrong or you bad and wrong if you've been doing it too. I want a better life for you. And I'm going to tell you right now, when you start Making these decisions to say no, you're going to ruffle some feathers, so be fair, warned. But that's what's required in order for you to gain self respect back. And this is about you getting self respect first before others give you the respect that you're looking for as well. And there's ways to go about this. You can still be a loving, kind, compassionate human being and communicate in a different way, but you might have to be willing to risk this fear in your heart and your stomach and your throat thinking, ah, what are they going to think about me? Well, some people aren't going to like it. Some people are going to say, good for you, good for you for stepping up and taking back your time. And other people are going to be frustrated and they're going to try to use it against you and say, you're not being a good friend and, and you've changed. You're not the person I could count on once before. Don't buy into their manipulation, don't buy into their guilt tripping. That is not a high quality that you want to have in a relationship with someone. You want to say, hey, listen, I've been doing this for a long time. I still want to show up for you, but I need to take back my time and my energy at times and I just can't commit to this right now. And again, for a season of life, I needed to say yes to everyone. When you're struggling, when you've got no career, when you've got no money, when you're got no contacts, no network, that's how I built my business, by saying yes to everyone for a couple years. But then I kept doing it and I overextended myself for too long after that. So know what season you're in. And again, I go back to that quote that, you know, really successful people say no more than they say yes. So remember that and remember this strategy. Own your no strategy. Number two, speak with certainty. Respect isn't just what you say, it's how you say it. And the lesson I want to share with you is that confidence in your tone creates confidence in their response. So a great quote by Goldie Hawn is that if you squeeze the sand too much, it will fall out of your hand. So hold it nice and easy. Now, when I used to mumble or used to say sorry before every sentence, people would, you know, talk over me or they just wouldn't have the same respect for me, the authority for me. Because my mom says this to me all the time. My mom is actually staying with me right now. And she goes, you used to mumble all the time. I can never hear you. And even now, I still kind of mumble. I go back into my old pattern sometimes when I'm just kind of relaxed, sitting on the couch, hanging out, I'll just kind of like late at night, kind of like mumble and say something. And she's a little hard of hearing now in her age. And she's like, you're mumbling again. And for me, it's just a reminder. It doesn't mean it's like bad. If it's like 10pm And I'm tired, I'm mumbling. But we've got to be clear when we're communicating so that others can understand us and have a certain sense of respect for us. But if you're saying sorry all the time, you know, I have some Canadian friends, sorry, Canadians. But you guys say sorry all the time. And my Canadian friends who are listening or watching, I'm sure you're chuckling right now, but you say sorry when nothing happened, nothing wrong happened. You're just saying sorry. Hey, sorry, how are things going today? Sorry, let me open the door for you. It's like, hey, just stop saying the word sorry.
- [13:29]
Lewis Howes
It's all good.
- [13:30]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
No one's upset at you. And I tease a little bit, but my Canadian friends will probably laugh at this joke because they know it's kind of true. But start to communicate differently. And when you start to communicate differently, when you speak with certainty with the second strategy, you are going to start seeing incredible shifts happening in your life. Once I started dropping the apologies and I'm sorry and I started speaking with certainty and clarity, people stopped interrupting and you just started to see a shift in how people would connect with me in the eyes and people would connect me. I gave this speech recently to a multi billion dollar company, to their leadership team, the CEO and the executives on the leadership team of a global brand. And I was doing a workshop, a small workshop for 12 of their leadership team. And I was in front of a little roundtable. It wasn't a big audience like I'm used to. It was a small little roundtable, kind of like a mastermind. And I'm speaking with each one of them one at a time, connecting with them. And I was very intentional when I was going into this workshop with them. I said, I need to be very clear. These are leaders at the highest level, dealing with billions of dollars every year. And what I could say could help impact them in generating a whole new level of financial success for them and impacting the thousands of employees in their company, potentially helping hire more employees and impact more families and lives around the world. Now, I'm not putting everything I said in one hour that's going to do that, but everything has power. Everything we do, people interact with has a power, has a presence and has an intention. And I stepped into this workshop with an intention. And I said, my intention is to serve. My intention is to connect. My intention is to be vulnerable, to open up and to give them a space for them to receive information, to see what is working in their life personally and professionally and what is not working. And that was my intention going in. And I was speaking deliberately to each person and connecting to their eyes and really landing a point on whoever that I was speaking to and holding that presence, just standing powerfully and calmly, but using my voice with clarity and certainty. And someone stopped me, I kid you not, someone stopped me in the middle of a conversation I was having with someone. The person next to someone that I was talking to and holding connection to, he just stops and says, you have incredible eye contact and you have incredible like, it's piercing that you're connecting with each one of us. And I'm noticing it throughout this entire hour. And I said, well, that was my intention coming in here, to connect presently with each one of you so that I could serve you at the highest level. Because if I'm just glossing over each one of you and kind of like, you know, fluttering my eyes around and I'm not really landing it, but I'm just speaking around all of you, you're going to forget this. And I said, you've got three days of this retreat right now for the end of the year retreat and you're going to have a lot of content. I knew all the speakers he had coming in. He had massive celebrities and world class athletes I knew who were going to come up after me. I was the first one of three days and I said, my goal is for you. You're going to have tons of information. It's going to be overwhelming the next few days. I just want you to come away with one thing from today that you'll remember that will help you in your personal and professional life get from where you are to where you want to be. And I want to create that space for you. And that's what I said. And by doing that, by showing up, using my voice, by showing up connecting with people and being present with them and speaking directly to them, not around them, I felt the Impact. And they communicated that impact. And this takes years of practice. You know, I've used to be terrible at looking people in the eyes. I used to be terrible at speaking in public. I used to be terrible at leading workshops. I used to be deathly afraid of doing any of this because I was a people pleaser and I was worried what people thought about me. And I've trained myself to overcome that fear by doing the action over and over. I went to Toastmasters and studied public speaking every week for a year. Then I was getting paid to do it for years. And then I was doing it for free. And I was leading big workshops. Small. I was just doing it as much as I can to overcome that fear of insecurity and not enoughness. And this is what I want for you. I want you to start overcoming the fear of needing everyone to like you, to say nice things about you, to think you're a good guy or a good girl, whatever it might be. Instead, we want people to respect you. We want people to respect you. And it takes a few key things that you can do. One of them being clear with people, being positive, creating boundaries, but also looking in people's eyes and connecting with them. I'm not talking about being a weirdo and a creep and like staring at someone the whole time, but I am talking about being present with someone. And if you aren't able to look in someone's eyes and it means there's something about you that you're afraid of, you're not comfortable with self if you're not able to look at another person and just hold a gaze in a non creepy way. So the action step for this strategy is instead of saying, sorry, you know, can I say something? Or excuse me, can I say something? Or you know, say, hey, here's what I think. Here's what I think. Short, clear, decisive. Be direct. You know, the person next to the person I was speaking to who interrupted didn't say, excuse me, I just want to add something real quick. He just said it. He said, you have powerful eye presence when you're connecting with this. I really feel it. And he jumped in the middle of my conversation and he was connected with me. So here's what I think. Short, clear, decisive. Don't say, hey, I'm sorry, can I add something here? Excuse me, this and this. Just be clear, be direct, be decisive.
- [19:55]
Lewis Howes
The school of greatness is brought to you in partnership with Airbnb. Fall always feels like the perfect time to travel. A chance to explore, reset and spend time with family. Before the year wraps up. And Martha and I both travel often, especially with her family in Mexico and mine spread across the US So we're.
- [20:10]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
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Lewis Howes
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- [20:44]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
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- [20:49]
Lewis Howes
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- [20:53]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
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- [21:56]
Lewis Howes
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- [22:25]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
And get a quote today. Strategy number two Speak with certainty. Certainty is key. Strategy number three Please stop doing this. Please stop over explaining yourself. And I say this to you, because I wish someone said this to me for a decade and a half. Because the more you justify yourself, the less power you hold. It's just plain and simple. The more you justify yourself, the less power you hold within yourself. And confidence doesn't need a 10 minute excuse. It doesn't need to be like, I'm sorry about this, I'm sorry I had to do this. Just say, you know, it's okay. No is a complete sentence. I love that quote from Anne Lamont, who said, no is a complete sentence. And listening, if someone asks you for a request, you don't just have to say no and be done with it. You could say, no, I can't take that on right now. And it doesn't have to be that much more. But for me, man, it was like when someone were to send me a text asking me to do something or an email, it was like I would have to think about it for hours of how I'm going to reply and how I'm going to reply in a way so I can make some type of an excuse or some type of an explanation where when they receive it, they won't get let down, they won't get disappointed in me, they won't be upset at me, they won't be angry at me that they'll still like me. It was just like I was just the weakest person in how I would reply to people for years. And that's why I just always said yes, because I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted everyone to think that Louis is a good guy and Louis, I can count on Louis and he'll say yes to anything that I want for him, right? Whatever it was. But man, was that exhausting. It just drained the life out of me. And the fear of saying no to people exhausted me even more because I was so afraid of what they would think about me. Again, I don't know if this is something you've experienced in the past or if you can relate to this right now, but man, it just sucked the energy out of my body and my soul. Just being in fear thinking of how do I reply to this person who's asking me to do this thing that I really don't want to do it. So let me try to like make an excuse or soften the blow or talk about something I've got going on as opposed to just, I can't do it right now. Thanks for thinking about me, but I just, I can't take it on. And again, it would make me look so unsure and easy to argue with. If I was just like, well, maybe I can do it, but I'm not sure about it. Let me get back to you. It was just like I would delay. I just needed to rip the band aid off. I just need to rip it off and stop being scared about what people thought about me. And the day I learned to simplify this and really have a simple clear decisiveness without a five page essay replying to people, my life started to change. Now it took me a few months of going through pain of saying no, no, no, no and getting those reps in and feeling that uncertainty of is this person going to like me? Are they frustrated with me? And they've always relied on me and now they can't. I had to overcome that. And you might lose some friends and that's okay, but real friends will respect your boundaries, Real friends will respect your peace, Real friends will respect your time and fake friends will just get frustrated with you if you're not going to give them everything they want when they want it. So an actionable step for you today is the next time you decline something, say your decision once, then stop talking. Don't explain, don't apologize, don't say I'm sorry. Because silence after you state your decision commands more respect. It commands more power within yourself, more self power. And I want you to take your power back by creating healthier boundaries. So strategy number three is please, please do me a favor, stop over explaining strategy number four. Match actions to words. People test your boundaries not by what you say, but by what you do. Consistency builds respect. If your actions don't match your words, people will walk all over you. There's a great quote that says what you allow is what will continue. It's an unknown quote, but again, if you're not willing to start creating different boundaries for yourself, the things that have always happened will continue happening in your life. I remember. This is a man. This is a painful, painful lesson. Painful lesson. Friends asking you for money. Oh, I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but this has happened to me a lot in the past and I have learned painful lesson over and over again. And now I'm clear. I've had different friends ask me for money and I once told a friend that I wouldn't lend them any money but somehow they convinced me to do it and I caved. And it was the worst experience for about a year of just stress. And then they asked me for more money later and it was just like I didn't have the courage to say no. And create a boundary. Therefore, I caved and did something out of guilt that I didn't want to do. And it ruined a friendship in my life. It ruined it. It really made me feel like I resented the person for asking me these things. For them receiving this, I resented myself for not creating a boundary. The relationship just got messy and it really hurt the relationship in the process. And again, it was all because I didn't have a healthy boundary. And all I needed to do was say, I love you so much that I can't do this for you right now. Or if I'm going to lend this to you, if I want to give you money, I am not going to ask for it in return. And I know I'm just gifting this to you and I don't expect you to pay it back. Because when someone, I would give it to them and say, I'll pay you back by this time. And when they don't do it by that time, I get really frustrated. Specifically if they'd say, hey, I can't do it by this time and I'm going to recommit to doing it a few months later. Especially when they don't say that and they just forget the time and they don't pay, it makes me feel disrespected. But I didn't create the respect in the first place by creating a boundary. So this was a big lesson. And the more I did this in the past, the more people would just keep asking, keep pushing back their commitments, and it was just a struggle. Respect showed up when I followed through with action. So the action step here is to look at one area in your life where people are crossing your boundaries. And you may not even be aware of this right now. You need to start reflecting on this. In my intimate relationship, is my spouse crossing a boundary? In my friendships, my family relationships, my siblings, my parents, my co workers, my boss, whatever it may be a network that I'm in, a club, that I'm in, associations. Is anyone crossing a boundary to me? Maybe they're not intentionally trying to cross a boundary. But where inside of you does it feel like someone might be crossing a boundary? Where you feel like this doesn't feel good when I do this, Maybe I like that they reach out to me because I feel needed and wanted. But if you're doing something out of guilt rather than out of service because you really want to, there's a different energy tied to it. And you're tying a lack of self worth. When you do something out of guilt rather than a sense of worth when you're doing it towards service. Because when you have excess energy, when you have renewable energy and resources and you say, yes, I can do this right now because I want to give, I want to serve, I want to be useful, I want to be helpful, that's a different energy. You're adding to someone else and you're adding to you. But when you're doing something out of guilt, out of lack, out of not enoughness, it's only going to create more not enoughness inside of you. It's only going to create more lack inside of you. You're going to feel more frustrated, you're going to feel more out of alignment and there might be a temporary gain from feeling like, oh, this person reaches out to me because they can rely on and now I have them in my life still, I feel like I'm needed. But inside your body is screaming at you, my friend. Your body is telling you stop saying yes to this. Stop giving your time and energy to this person. Stop giving this person money all the time when they're just saying nice things when they want it, but then they're not there for you afterwards. Stop it. And I need you to ask yourself, am I enforcing my own rules? And if not, I need you to change it asap, right now, today, start making these changes. And that is the end of strategy four. Please, please stop over explaining telling you your life is going to change dramatically when you do that.
- [31:47]
Lewis Howes
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- [33:28]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Oh, this is a good one. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Please stop surrounding yourself with people that suck the life away from you and surround yourself with people who lift you up. If you're always the doormat, you're in the wrong house. Let me repeat that for you. If you're always the doormat, you're in the wrong house. Powerful lesson is that the fastest way to gain respect is to be around people who already respect themselves. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. I love that quote by motivational speaker Jim Rohn who said that. And when I spent time with people who took advantage of me, I shrank in intimate relationships with friends, girlfriends in the past, you know, with people that I would associate with early on in my business career, with friends in freaking high school and college that I just wanted to that I looked up to and wanted to be in the kind of friend group of When I spent time with people who took advantage of me, I shrank. I remember I when I was a kid and this happened. I have so many of these memories as a kid that I'd want to be around kids that would put me down. Now I don't know if anyone else is like similar that grew up in a similar way that the people that would pick on me and bully me. It's like I wanted their approval so bad that I would do anything to try to be friends with them. And one of my memories that I've shared before on my podcast is when I was a kid I really didn't have that many friends growing up. I was the youngest of four. I really struggled in school. I was really tall and kind of goofy and gangly looking. I was in the special needs classes and so I just kind of always got picked on and made fun of and just didn't really feel like I had the best childhood. But you know, this is not a sob story Here. But this is just me and my internal insecurities around being around my classmates and my peers growing up in school. And I remember I really wanted friends. I was like, no one wants to hang out with me, no one wants.
- [35:40]
Lewis Howes
To play with me.
- [35:41]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
There's my own like, sad story, right? And a lot of it was just me and my story. But I really didn't feel like I had any friends. And I remember there was these two kind of cool kids who created this club. And I was like, I really want to be in this club. I was probably like 8 or 9 years old. And they said, okay, there's two ways you can enter the club. And the club was essentially them hanging out after school, like playing video games in one of their parents basements. It was kind of like, that's the club. Like for two hours we hang out in a secret club. But for me as an 8, 9 year old, it was like this cool thing to do and I wanted to hang out with these kids. And they said, there's two ways to join the club. The first way is you need to answer a list of questions. And there was a few questions and they asked me them and I didn't know the answers to them. And every time I didn't know the answer to one question, I just felt dumber and dumber. I felt insignificant. I didn't feel like I was enough. I didn't feel like I was good enough or smart enough because I didn't have the answers to what seemed to be like basic questions. And they said, okay, you don't have the answers to these questions. The second way to enter is you need to pay $5 now, $5 back when you're 8 or 9. Back in the 80s, the late 80s was a lot of money for me. I was like, I don't have $5. And so they said, you can't come in the club until you pay. And so I ran home to my mom. I said, mom, there's this club of these kids that are really cool. And I didn't have the answers to the test to get in, but if I can get $5, they'll let me hang out with them. Even saying this now just sounds depressing to me that I was looking for money to hang out with cool kids around my block. And I remember my mom kind of looking at me just like, okay, you know, I think she was a little sad. One, that her youngest son didn't have any friends to hang out with, and two, that her youngest son needed $5 to hang out with. Kids, and she didn't have the money either. We didn't grow up with a lot of money. Both my parents were working. They had four kids. My parents had my brother, my older brother, when they were 20 years old. So it was kind of like they were working multiple jobs. My dad was for many years while my mom was taking care of four kids by the time she was 30, just trying to figure things out and just get ahead in life. So it wasn't like they had all this extra money. It was. It was a lot. And I remember her checking the couch cushions and finding quarters and finding loose change. And she grabbed a shoebox for me, and she put this loose change that we found throughout the house. She opened up the dressers. I think she had a couple dollar bills in there, and the rest was change. She handed it to me and said, here you go. Go join the club. And I ran back to this neighborhood, down the street to this neighbor's house, and I brought them the money. I go, I can join the club now. And I go down and we're in the basement, and I give them the money, and they take the money, and they go hang out in the corner of the basement by themselves for the next hour. And I just sit kind of alone. So I wasn't smart enough to have friends to know the answers to some questions. The money I needed to buy friends with didn't even work because they still didn't hang out with me. Now, that created a psychological wound inside of me that just said, you're not enough. You're not smart enough. You're not good enough. You're not worthy enough. You're not lovable enough. You're not likable enough. So it created this kind of psychological wound where I felt like I needed to do everything to get people to like me. And it took a long time for me to unwind and heal from that wound. That made me feel like I wasn't enough. And it took me learning the hard way how to create boundaries. I'm telling you, if you are in a situation right now where you feel like you're not enough, if you're in a situation where you feel like you need to overextend yourself for people to like you or to be friends with you, I'm telling you right now, that's not true. I'm telling you, you are enough. You're lovable, you're worthy, you're desirable. But you have to learn how to do that and believe that for yourself first before you get other people to believe that you have to stop overextending yourself all the time. You have to start making healthier boundaries within yourself and communicating those boundaries again in a kind and clear way with yourself first and with others second. And when you start practicing this over and over again, it's not going to be comfortable, it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be enjoyable or fun. The wounded psychology in your nervous system is going to scream at you and say, ah, you're going to die if this person doesn't like you for a moment. But I'm telling you, I feel more free at this season of my life having less and less friends or having less and less people needing to like me. Now, listen, I have lots of relationships, I have lots of quality friends. I have lots of extended friends and an extended network. But I only have so much time in my life. I'm married, I've got kids, I've got my business, I've got my team. I've got my passion of pursuing the Olympics. I've got workout. There's only so much time where I can say yes to people and the people that are closest to me right now. I say yes to first. I say yes to my goals and my dreams and the actions that I need to take on those. I say yes to my team here in my business that I spend a lot of time at, and we're working to impact people in a positive way. I say yes to my wife, to my kids, to my. And I say yes to a few core guy friends in my life that I see once in a while where we play pickleball, we work out, we hang out, we do activities together. But other than that, I don't have much time to say yes. I don't have more time in the day to say yes. I need good sleep. I need healthy boundaries. And again, when I spent years saying yes to people that would take advantage of me, I shrank. I shrank emotionally, psychologically, physically, my energy shrank. And I remember doing a session with Tony Robbins one time and one of his masterminds. And again you become the five people you spend the most time with. And I spent some time with Tony Robbins in a mastermind. And I asked him one question. I remember this question really transformed my life in a powerful way. What he said and the question I asked him was like, you know, I feel like I'm a 7 out of 10 in a lot of areas of my life. And he said, do you want to be a 7 out of 10 guy or a 10 out of 10 guy. And I was like, well, I want to be a 10 out of 10 guy. And he essentially told me, like, you've got to start creating healthier boundaries with yourself, and you got to be willing to be unliked by people. And as a kid who grew up feeling unliked by everyone by not having any friends, it just felt like, man. But I really needed everyone to like me, to feel safe. And that was bs. I needed to like myself, to feel safe, no matter what anyone else thought about me around me. Now, of course, I'm not here to dismiss my family and my wife and my, you know, my best friends. Not here to say screw you to everyone. I'm here to create healthy, conscious relationships and communicate kindly, courageously, and clearly, but to make sure that I do it in a loving way with the people closest to me and people around me as well. It's just, how can I be my best? And I'm never going to be perfect, and this is not about you being perfect. But when I started to surround myself with people who had strong boundaries and high standards, I leveled up as well. I learned how to do that for myself. And this is why I really love being around mentors. People that are much wiser than me, who have gone through the highs and lows, who have beautiful marriages, beautiful families, beautiful businesses or careers, or they're making a difference in their communities in a certain way. I really appreciate being around those individuals because I feel like I can learn and I can level up myself by being around them. Respect is contagious. And a step that I want you to take today is to audit your circle. I want you to do this right now. I want you to make a list of the people you spend the most time with, whether it be your friends, your family, your colleagues, or your peers. And I want you to write a list of who you're. You know, I don't see my siblings that often. I see them a couple times a year if I'm lucky. So I think about my family and I'll talk to them on the phone, but I'm not around them constantly, so I don't even have that as my close circle of people I spend the most time with. So the people you spend the most time with, your coworkers, your boss, your employees, think about people in your career, your business. Are you surrounding yourself with people that are constantly leveling up and growing, or are they sucking the life out of you? Are they constantly playing a victim? Are they constantly making excuses? If so, it's going to be hard for you to grow if they're trying to pull you down. So you've got to keep leveling each other up as well. In that community, your friend group, are you guys gossiping or talking about nonsense all day or eating unhealthy or going out and drinking beer every night? Or are you guys doing conscious stuff? I have a group of guys. We play pickleball almost every week together. That's what we do to hang out. We, we move our body, we have fun, we play and then we have fun conversations afterwards. I don't go out late at night. I haven't been to a bar or nightclub in over a decade and a half. Probably I don't know the last time I went out to a bar or a nightclub, that's just not something I do now. If there's an industry event that's at a bar, okay, maybe that's different. But I'm not like just going out and having a drink. I've never been drunk in my life, so I wouldn't even go to those places to just hang out because they're not conducive to my lifestyle.
- [46:03]
Lewis Howes
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- [47:16]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Knowing how you sleep is a game.
- [47:18]
Lewis Howes
Changer when it comes to overall well being being. But for many, sleep and sleep quality are a mystery. The sleep score on Apple Watch helps you better understand your sleep routine and.
- [47:28]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
How to make it more restorative.
- [47:29]
Lewis Howes
Dive into factors like sleep duration, bedtime, consistency, how often you wake up, and time spent in each sleep stage. Apple Watch takes you from not knowing to knowing. Find out more@apple.com Apple Watch Series 11.
- [47:44]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Iphone 11 or later required I want you to audit your circle. Audit your friend group, your family group, your peers, your colleagues. Audit everything. And I want you to ask yourself, who makes you feel drained? Who in that circle makes you feel drained? Who makes you also feel the most empowered, the most inspired? Who's got the most contagious energy that lifts you up? Who's the most passionate, the most excited, the most grateful? I want you to double down on the people who lift you up. I want you to invest more in them. This doesn't mean you have to kick everyone out of your life who's draining you, but you might have to distance yourself with them. Or you might have to have a conscious conversation with them and say, listen, I'm really trying to shift things in my life and I really want to start doing things differently with the people in my life. I want to start having more empowering conversations. I want to stop gossiping. I want to start doing activities that are better for us. Instead of going out and blowing money at a bar, let's go for a hike, let's go for a jog, let's go for a swim, let's go play basketball. Let's do an activity together. Let's go do something where it's just a little bit more fun and start shifting the activities and the things we do with our time. So double down on the people who lift you up and start distancing yourself from the people who sought the life out of you. This is the end of strategy 5. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Now these are the five strategies that I want you to walk away with. I want to do a quick recap. Own your no Speak with clarity. Stop over explaining. Please, for the life of you, stop over explaining. Especially my Canadian friends. I love you, but you don't need to over explain. Okay? Number four. Match your actions to your words. Number five, Surround yourself with people who lift you up. And if you practice, these people won't just stop walking all over you. They'll start walking beside you. They'll start following you, even with respect. Remember, respect isn't demanded. It's trained. Respect isn't demanded. It's also developed and it takes time for you to do these action steps every single day. The more you practice these strategies, the more your confidence will compound, I promise you. But it's going to feel a little messy, it's going to feel a little frustrating, it's going to feel a little ah, people don't like me. I'm telling you. You're going to be alive, you will be safe, everything will be okay because you're going to set yourself emotionally and psychologically free from needing to please everyone around you. And when you can do this, my friend, you will become unstoppable in your life because you won't be drained. By saying yes to everyone else, you'll be able to start to say no and have peace and confidence with yourself. If you enjoyed this, please share this with a friend. Make sure to copy and paste the link and text it to a few friends that you think might enjoy this episode as well. If you're watching this over on YouTube, please leave a comment below with the one strategy that really speaks to you the most that you're going to start committing to today. Again. If you're listening over on Audio, please make sure to subscribe. Leave us a review over on Audio on Apple or Spotify, wherever you're listening. And I want to thank you so much for being here. It means a lot to me and if no one told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you're worthy, and you matter and I'll see you next time. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus.
- [51:36]
Lewis Howes
Episodes with me personally as well as.
- [51:39]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
Ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness+channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on.
- [51:49]
Lewis Howes
Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about.
- [51:52]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
This episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.
- [51:59]
Lewis Howes
And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that.
- [52:02]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
You are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.
- [52:19]
Lewis Howes
The School of Greatness is sponsored by Capital One. Nowadays, most people subscribe to everything.
- [52:24]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
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- [52:26]
Lewis Howes
And it rocks until you have to manage it all. Which is where Capital One comes in. Capital One credit card holders can easily track, block or cancel reoccurring charges or right from the Capital One mobile app.
- [52:38]
Lewis Howes (Narrative/Storytelling Voice)
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- [52:39]
Lewis Howes
With one sign in, you can manage all your subscriptions all in one place. Learn more at Capital1.comsubscriptions Terms and Conditions.
- [52:47]
Walmart Announcer
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