Mel Robbins: The #1 Skill To Master To Create Your Most Abundant Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes Featuring Mel Robbins

Episode Title: Mel Robbins: The #1 Skill To Master To Create Your Most Abundant Life
Release Date: April 21, 2025
Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Mel Robbins

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1. Introduction

In this compelling episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes welcomes Mel Robbins, a New York Times best-selling author and renowned motivational speaker. Known for her transformative work, Mel delves deep into her personal journey, exploring themes of overcoming self-doubt, managing sudden success, and healing from childhood trauma. This episode serves as an inspiring guide for anyone striving to unlock their inner greatness and create an abundant life.

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2. Navigating Sudden Success

[00:00] Lewis Howes:
Lewis introduces Mel Robbins, highlighting her latest book, The Let Them Theory, which has dominated Amazon and the New York Times bestseller lists for months. He emphasizes Robbins' ability to maintain humility and presence amidst skyrocketing success, a topic critical for aspiring authors, entrepreneurs, and content creators aiming for top-tier recognition.

Notable Quote:

"This is the dream most people have. They want to be number one on the bestseller list... If you have a podcast, a book, if you're trying to do anything in this industry online, Mel is at the top of the game right now."
— Lewis Howes [00:00]

Robbins shares her strategies for staying grounded despite the overwhelming pressure and visibility that come with success. She discusses the importance of remembering and appreciating those who supported her journey, reinforcing the value of a strong support system in navigating fame and achievement.

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3. Overcoming Self-Doubt and Anxiety

A significant portion of the conversation centers around Mel Robbins' struggles with self-doubt, anxiety, and her relentless need for control. She opens up about how these challenges held her back for decades, affecting both her personal and professional life.

Notable Quote:

"If you have not worked out yourself and your relationship with yourself, it does not matter what's happening on the outside."
— Mel Robbins [34:17]

Robbins emphasizes that true happiness and fulfillment stem from an internal sense of self-worth, rather than external achievements or validations. She highlights the futility of seeking happiness through material success alone, advocating for a deeper, more authentic self-relationship.

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4. Developing Resilience and Perseverance

Robbins discusses the essence of resilience, particularly in the face of failure and adversity. Reflecting on her canceled talk show and significant financial setbacks, she reveals that perseverance—continuing to push forward despite obstacles—is the cornerstone of her success.

Notable Quote:

"I literally have to use the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method every day to get out of bed."
— Mel Robbins [19:45]

She introduces her renowned 5-Second Rule, a simple yet powerful tool to overcome inertia and take decisive action even when she doesn't feel like it. This technique has been instrumental in her journey to maintaining consistency and achieving her goals.

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5. Healing from Childhood Trauma

A pivotal moment in the episode is Mel's exploration of her childhood trauma and its long-lasting effects on her mental health. She recounts a traumatic incident from fourth grade and explains how it led to chronic stress responses that plagued her into adulthood.

Notable Quote:

"Trauma is any experience that actually is remembered in the body in an alarm state. It gets recorded in your nervous system."
— Mel Robbins [41:39]

Robbins delves into the concept of the vagus nerve and its role in regulating the nervous system. She shares practical methods such as cold plunging, humming, and meditation to "tone the vagus nerve," thereby calming the body's stress responses and fostering a sense of inner peace.

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6. Letting Go and the "Let Them" Theory

Central to the conversation is Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory. She explains this concept as a strategy to relinquish control over others' actions and behaviors, thereby reducing personal stress and enhancing emotional well-being.

Notable Quote:

"Choosing peace is not surrender. Choosing peace is a form of power."
— Mel Robbins [60:48]

Robbins illustrates this theory through personal anecdotes, including a heated argument with her daughter during prom preparations. This realization was transformative, teaching her to let go of the uncontrollable and focus instead on her responses and internal state.

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7. Practical Tools and Strategies

Throughout the episode, Mel Robbins provides actionable advice for listeners to implement in their lives:

• 5-Second Rule: Counting down from five to one to prompt immediate action.

  Notable Quote:

  "5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Move."
  — Mel Robbins [27:34]

• Vagus Nerve Exercises: Techniques like humming, cold plunging, and meditation to regulate the nervous system.

• Let Them Theory: Embracing the idea that controlling others' actions is futile and focusing instead on personal responses.

• Self-Gratitude Exercise: Writing down moments of happiness to create a roadmap for personal fulfillment.

Notable Quote:

"If you can get out of bed enough days in a row and do what you need to do, you're proving to yourself that you can rely on yourself to be bigger than the emotions in the moment."
— Mel Robbins [50:43]

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8. Building Supportive Relationships

Robbins and Howes discuss the importance of forming supportive relationships, especially with those who may seem like competitors. Mel encourages seeking out allies within one's industry to foster collaboration and mutual growth rather than competition.

Notable Quote:

"Your family has no idea what you're going through. Seek out the people that are doing things that you admire. Cheer for them."
— Mel Robbins [63:04]

This perspective shift from competition to collaboration is presented as a key factor in cultivating an abundant and joyful life.

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9. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

In closing, Mel Robbins emphasizes gratitude and the significance of supportive friendships in her journey. Lewis Howes echoes the sentiment of collaboration over competition, underscoring the episode's overarching message of internal growth and external support.

Notable Quote:

"If you ever feel stuck and you don't know what to do, the single most important project to take on is yourself."
— Mel Robbins [30:09]

Both hosts encourage listeners to implement the discussed strategies, seek personal growth, and build meaningful, supportive relationships to achieve greatness.

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Key Takeaways:

• Internal Over External: True happiness and success originate from a healthy relationship with oneself, not just external achievements.

• Perseverance is Key: Resilience and consistent effort, even in the face of failure, are essential for long-term success.

• Healing is Possible: Addressing and healing from past traumas can significantly improve mental and emotional well-being.

• Let Go to Grow: Relinquishing control over others' actions reduces personal stress and fosters inner peace.

• Support Systems Matter: Building and maintaining supportive relationships within one's industry can lead to mutual growth and abundance.

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Recommended Resources:

• Mel Robbins' Books:

  • The 5 Second Rule
  • The Let Them Theory

• Lewis Howes' Book:

  • Make Money Easy – Focuses on healing your relationship with money to achieve financial freedom.

Listeners are encouraged to explore these resources to further their journey toward personal and professional greatness.

Transcript

[Lewis Howes]

Welcome back, my friend, to another episode on the School of Greatness. We have a massive guest today. Her name is Mel Robbins. I've known her for over eight years and she is literally exploding everywhere right now with her new book, the Let Them Theory, which I think has been number one on Amazon for almost three or four months now and number one in the New York Times best seller list for the last few months. It is everywhere. And we sat down during my book tour in the last few weeks ago, we sat down and talked about her personal journey of how she's actually navigating this cultural phenomenon that's happening with her book, the Let Them Theory. And she shares how she's dealing with success and staying grounded and staying present. This is the type of goal, success or dream that most people who have an idea, who want to launch a product or a book or a course or anything like that, this is the dream most people have. They want to be number one on the bestseller list. They want to be number one in the New York Times list. They want to have the number one podcast in the world. This is the dream. If you have a podcast, a book, if you're trying to do anything in this industry online, Mel is at the top of the game right now. And if that's something you've ever wanted to learn how to do or even just get your stuff started and learning how to manage and navigate the success, the weight, the pressure of it all, because there is extremes. Once you hit the extreme, she's going to be sharing some of this process and she, she really opens up about her personal journey of healing childhood trauma, breaking free from destructive patterns that have held her back, and finally learning to feel at peace with herself. Regardless of the achievements and the criticism and all of it. She doesn't hold back about her struggles with self doubt, anxiety, and the constant need for control that plagued her for decades. If anyone here listening right now has ever wanted to control everything about your work or your career or your message that goes out and you've wanted to look a certain, certain way and you want everyone to like you, this is going to be perfect for you. If something's been holding you back on your insecurities or your self doubt, you're going to want to listen to this over and over again and you're going to want to share this with your friends and family. Because I know you have people in your life who are blocking their ability to create freedom inside of them and externally to get to the next level of what they want. There's a lot of talented people out there who are being held back by some of these things. So if you know someone in your life like that, then please send them this link because you're going to get a ton out of this conversation. Again, we got to share during my book tour. If you haven't gotten my new book, Make Money Easy. It's all about healing your relationship with money so you can set yourself into financial freedom internally and externally. Make sure to grab a copy of Make Money Easy. And also if you have not got a copy yet, I don't know where you've been in the last few months, make sure to get a copy of the Let Them theory again, which is number one on every book list out there in the world right now and continues to just go bananas all over the place. Make sure to get a copy of each one of them. And I cannot wait for you to dive into this episode with the one, the only, Mel Robbins. You know, I just had you on the show a few months ago, but it was before the madness. Yeah, it was like the madness was coming. You knew it was about to hit, but it's hit in the last few months in a big way, in a beautiful way. How have you been able to expand your emotional nervous system and your kind of energetic container to be able to.

[Mel Robbins]

Those kind of questions?

[Lewis Howes]

What am I saying? How have you been able to prepare to be able to receive this much abundance?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, it's a great. That is actually. And you know what? I just learned that when you say actually, it is like a backhanded compliment. So I did.

[Lewis Howes]

You're actually really.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, it's actually a good question. I'm sorry.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But I have a.

[Lewis Howes]

It wasn't that bad.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, right. Because it's a filler word for me. So I don't mean it to be that way. It's a great question because there's no question that this is kind of one of the biggest moments of my life. And I think there are going to be times in your life where you're getting married or divorced. Right. Or you're having a child or you're giving a eulogy or you're graduating or you're launching a business or you're putting your art out into the world and you recognize that this is a moment. And so as this thing started to take off and you said this, Mel, I've known you for eight years, and Lewis and I have a very. You can probably already tell a relationship, like older sister, younger brother. And he was the first person to interview me when I self published the five second rule book. So this man showed up for me when nobody else like knew who I was. I'd never like done anything, had no social following. And Lewis kind of plucked me from obscurity and supported me. And I think it's so important to remember the people who supported you. And so it's been an interesting experience because I know that this is way bigger than me. I mean I'm obviously, this is not a new idea that you stress yourself out when you focus on things that are outside your control. Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning Stoicism Buddhism the Serenity Prayer. As you start to use this in your life, you probably remember things your grandparents said to you or things that your parents said around the kitchen table or that you heard at a sermon or at synagogue. And so it's sort of powerful because it's not. It's reminding you of something you already know. And so as this started to take off and resonate and I'm realizing this is one of those moments I have missed out on so much of my life because I was anxious or afraid or felt like I was undeserving. I was not able to be present and allow it in that I was like, I am not missing this. And so I asked somebody for some advice and they gave me this kind of visual where they said, I want you to just imagine that you're on a plane and the plane is moving 500 miles an hour at velocity and you're going to feel like this at times in your life. And what's weird about these moments is that there's this sense of acceleration, but there's also this real slowing down if you can allow yourself to be present. Like if you've ever been present for a child being born, if you've ever stood at the end of a Nile as your partner is about to walk in.

[Lewis Howes]

It's a moment.

[Mel Robbins]

It's a moment. And so I have just visualized myself kind of in an airplane that's moving 500 miles an hour. But my job is to sit in the seat and to have my water or something a little harder and look out the window and occasionally check out the view.

[Lewis Howes]

Enjoy the view.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And I think that it's a useful thing because I've also, in the middle of this, things are going on in life and things are going on with my kids and with my husband and everything's not perfect, but. But I've even noticed that when stuff feels like it's flying sideways, just having this Meditation to say, okay, my life can feel like it's moving super fast, but if I just take a breath and remind myself that I don't need to get caught up in this, I can really just stay present in the moment. And that's what's helped me to kind of allow it in and also just realize it's just so much bigger than me. Like, this is, this is tapped into something. Like, I think there are times in life where there's a lot of negativity, whether it's in your relationship or your family or your community or the world at large. And if you pay attention, there are corresponding positive messages. And I feel that right now in particular, I mean, you all showed up. What night is it tonight? Is it a Monday?

[Lewis Howes]

I think it's Monday.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh my God. On a Monday night, Tuesday night?

[Lewis Howes]

I don't know.

[Mel Robbins]

See, I'm not that present a Tuesday night to be at an inspiring event because you're the kind of person that wants to grow and learn and surround yourself with other people who do. That is a big deal. Like, there are millions of people 20 miles from here, millions and millions. But you chose to be here. That says something about you. And so I also feel that, you know, in moments where things feel overwhelming in life, that being somebody that is putting something positive out and showing up for people is more important than ever. And you're doing that by being here and you're doing that by what you do. And so I think kind of you receive, you're able to receive it if you're present and if you realize it's almost never about you.

[Lewis Howes]

Interesting. Now, for the last eight years since I've known you, and you were, you were working really hard in developing your communication skills for many years before then, you've been one of the top speakers in the world. You've had big moments. You're a great content creator, marketer, entrepreneur. Like, you've done a lot of big things in the last eight years. It's not like this is out of nowhere for those who are entrepreneurs in the room who have been like, trying to build it and grow it and maybe are struggling. How did you, I guess, emotionally prepare yourself? I know I already asked this a little bit, but how did you really emotionally prepare yourself for what was really to come?

[Mel Robbins]

I don't think you do. I really don't. No, I'll tell you why. Because that question presumes that I, like, somehow was self aware enough in the middle of the stuff that you're doing to actually think that I Need to prepare myself for something else. Now it's going to sound like I'm contradicting myself. So. So I'm.

[Lewis Howes]

Because you knew this was going to be big, though. You had a. There was, like, an energy before long.

[Mel Robbins]

So let's go. Like, so if you go back in time. Right. Like, one of my favorite things to do, because personally, I personally believe whether we're talking business or you're talking building a social media following, or you're talking any kind of art that you want to take off, any kind of money you want to make, I literally believe, Louis, that success is a matter of not quitting. Like, that's what it comes down to. It really does. And more than anything else, I just was, like, a tenacious person. I'm just like, I'm not gonna stop here. And there were so many things that I did not do. Well, not at all. I mean, in terms of just the talk show that literally got canceled because it sucked. Oh, my God, I love you. Thank you for being there. I'll blame the fact that it was canceled on me and not on you. Okay, here's the thing.

[Lewis Howes]

It didn't suck, though. I mean, how many episodes did you do?

[Mel Robbins]

Well, we taped, like, 174, so it.

[Lewis Howes]

Can'T suck if you do 174 episodes.

[Mel Robbins]

That's true. But they were airing. Can really stick.

[Lewis Howes]

But also, there was Covid. Right. It stopped. Here's the thing. You're discounting yourself, though. I'm going to stop Mel for a second because you're discounting yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

No, you got to look at the ratings. People were not watching. And when they don't watch.

[Lewis Howes]

But it doesn't.

[Mel Robbins]

You don't make money, and then they cancel.

[Lewis Howes]

Just because people don't watch doesn't mean it sucks.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, now, so hold on. Let's build on this, right? So here's the thing that I developed out of survival. So there are the things that you do out of survival that turn out to be brilliant. And when I was creating some of the things that I'm about to share with you, they were not because I was brilliant. It was because I was trying to keep myself going, especially in times when I needed to pay bills and I needed to get out of debt. And so whenever I felt like quitting, I would literally have a pep talk with myself, and I would say, this is not how my story is going to end. I just refuse to believe it. And I refuse to believe that this is how it ends. And so I would say those kinds of things to Myself, even though I felt like this is the end and I just made the stupidest decision I could have ever made, or I just lost more money or that didn't work out, just another twist, another. And so that's one thing that I would do. The second thing that I would do, Louis, is there's this thing that I do with time traveling where I go to the past and I go to the future. So it's easy in this moment, I don't know where you are in your business. I don't know where you are in your career or your life, but it is easy to sit in this moment and to look backwards and to make sense of all of the twists and turns that have happened to you, right? And to say to yourself, okay, I can see the lessons. I can see how I grew. I can see how that made me stronger. It is a very important skill to take that ability of making sense of the past and actually project it forward. And this is how you develop faith in yourself and your capability to see yourself through the twists and turns that life is going to demand of you. And so, as you sit in this moment, the skill to develop from this point forward is to look ahead and tell yourself that, I have faith that this moment, too, just like every moment I can see in the past, is but a brick on the path of my life that is leading me towards something I cannot see yet. And I have faith that whatever this experience is delivering, no matter how much it blows, no matter how painful it is, no matter how much I don't deserve this, that this, too, will be part of the thing that gets me to something even greater. And that is how I built what you're talking about. But never in a million years. I have big aspirations and goals, just like everybody here. That's why you're here on a Tuesday night, right? You're investing in yourself. You're learning. You're surrounding yourself with incredible people that want to do the same. And so, even though I had amazing goals, this is completely just blown apart what I ever thought was possible for myself.

[Lewis Howes]

It's crazy.

[Mel Robbins]

In a good way. I was completely shocked and humbled by it all.

[Lewis Howes]

What was the goal of, okay, I'm gonna launch this book? And did you have a number in mind of how big it would be? And then it just went so far above and beyond. Is that what happened?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, like, I just had always thought that it would be great to have a book that I don't. Like, I don't even know. Like, I wasn't even thinking like 10 million copies of this, that or the other. Like, who sells that many books? Who's even reading books? Right. I mean, I. So I just never thought, because it's bigger than that. It is something that has transcended the 322 pages. It has caught wind at a moment in time where everybody needs help focusing on what's in your control so that you can focus on what's meaningful and so that you can protect yourself from outside stressors that are draining your time and energy. Like, never more in my life has this been more important or more relevant. And so I never, ever Louis thought that I would be. I never thought that I would just be somebody that this many people knew about or that my work would be this public. I know the impact of the five second rule. I know how that has spread around the world. We know of more than 1,000 people that have taken the time to write to us who did not die by suicide because they use the 5 second rule in a moment to stop themselves and ask for help. And so I thought that is the most extraordinary thing that could ever happen to a person. To put something out into the world that actually helps people and saves lives. So to think that this tool has so far eclipsed that, it's just unreal.

[Lewis Howes]

And what have you done before you got here? I was talking about the weight of gold. There's a documentary called the Weight of Gold, which is where Olympians kind of sabotage themselves after they win the gold medal.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, I'm never writing another book because I can't top this. That's what you mean?

[Lewis Howes]

No, not that, not that. But how have you stayed present within yourself to make sure you don't sabotage yourself with the success? Like how have you said, like, oh, am I actually deserving of this or am I actually worthy of this? How have you made sure you've been able to say yes?

[Mel Robbins]

I don't think about that.

[Lewis Howes]

You don't think about it?

[Mel Robbins]

No. Cause I know how hard I work writing that book with my daughter and how much research went into it and the experts.

[Lewis Howes]

So you don't have any doubt around like zero. That's good.

[Mel Robbins]

Zero. Because here's the other thing I don't like. I'm very proud of the impact. I'm just proud that people are reading a book. I'm proud that people are interested in this moment in time, in reading a nonfiction book. A self help. Are you kidding me? And that they're. I know they're reading it. Why? Because they're recommending it to People. And so I think it's bigger than a book because to me, that's a sign of hope that people are taking time and turning it inward to improve themselves, which is how you create a ripple effect that improves everything. And so, you know, I guess I. The one thing that I'm doing is I feel very lucky. Cause we live in Vermont, right? So it is not. I could not live in la.

[Lewis Howes]

It's peaceful in Vermont.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, there's mountains, there's trees, there's. We raised our family here in Boston, and then we moved to southern Vermont, and my son went to high school up there. And it is not in my face. It is easy to not get full of yourself when you wake up and there's bear poop in your driveway and you shop at a hardware store for your groceries and nobody cares. And honestly, I don't either. And so I feel like I'm removed from the noise that is media and the machine and all the stuff that could really trip me up. And since it's not my face, I don't really think about it.

[Lewis Howes]

That's amazing. But I know your story from in your early 40s, I think it was like 800,000 or a million dollars in debt. And you.

[Mel Robbins]

19 miles from here, everybody right by Framingham. Yep. 19 miles. 2008. $800,000 in debt. My husband had restaurants in the Boston area.

[Lewis Howes]

So how do you build belief after having big financial failures? How do you continue to show up again and again and not just say, I am a failure. Not, this was a failure.

[Mel Robbins]

Right. Everybody hates this answer. Because it's not a pill. No, it's serious. And it's not like a quick fix. And it's not one thing. I literally will tell you what changed my life was getting out of bed when I didn't feel like it. And the reason why that's important. And it's the same thing that you talk about and nobody wants to hear it. I don't even wanna hear this, is that there is a skill in life that I didn't learn until I was 41 years old and I was about to lose everything. And the skill is, can you do the things you need to do when you don't feel like doing them? It's that simple. Everything that you want to create in business and in life is possible through action and patience. That's it. And if you only did the things you don't feel like doing, you would have everything you wanted.

[Lewis Howes]

It's true. Being a champion is not a sexy life.

[Mel Robbins]

No.

[Lewis Howes]

Being an athlete from the sports world, even the greatest athletes in the world, they live a very boring life because they get up and they do Groundhogs Day over and over. They get up at 5am when they don't want to wake up. They eat whatever, the same food every morning. They go to the gym the same way, and they just do the same repetition, win or lose, until they get to what they want. It's not sexy.

[Mel Robbins]

It's boring, actually. It's grueling. It's boring. It's the reason why it's a game of not quitting. Because you got to be willing to do all of the things you don't want to do. You got to be willing to do all of the stuff that's boring and grueling on the days no one's watching. Nobody cares. Nobody's there to help you. It's just you against you. And that's why I'm gonna go back and say, if you can't haul your out of bed on those mornings on time when you don't feel like it, you're not gonna achieve your goals because you're not gonna make the cold call that you need to. Cause you're not gonna feel like it. You're not going to say no to a deal. That's a bad deal for you because you feel like you need it. Like you're gonna get your emotions all jacked up and they're going to run you over. And so when I say, how did I build belief in myself? I did it the only way I know how it's improving. That I believed in myself and that I could keep my word to myself no matter how I felt. And that begins every morning when the alarm rings. It's a daily battle. Like, even though I invented this thing. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. To get you out of bed, I still have to use it. Like, I think it's a mistake. Like every time you and I interview an expert that studies habits, and they say, well, it's 21 days, or it's 63 days, or it's just. I'm like, baloney. That's only if you like it. Cause there are things that have never become a habit for me, Louis. Like, I hate unloading the dishwasher. I have to force myself to do it. I hate folding laundry. I have to force myself to do it. There are gonna be things in your life that you always hate doing. Do it anyway and get over yourself. Because that's actually what's standing in the way of what you want. You know, it's easy to look at Lewis or me and be like oh well it's so easy and are you kidding? It's boring. You get up at 5:30 in the morning, you go to the gym, you. Then I got over to the studio, we had our first meeting at 7:40. Where's Cameron? Is Cameron still here? Cameron there she is, one of our senior producers right there for the Mel Robbins podcast. Cameron was there 7:45. She'll tell you. I'm just as cranky at that point, you know, like running this thing. I was there till 8:30 tonight. We'll be back up tomorrow at 5:40 in the morning. Like this is what it looks like. And so for me how you believe in yourself is that if you can get out of bed enough days in a row and all you need in my opinion is 70%, I'll even give you 60% if you can get 51%. Like let's shoot low everybody. If you can get out of bed more days than not when you don't feel like it, you're proving to yourself that you can rely on yourself to be bigger than the emotions in the moment. And that's what you need in life to keep going. And so it didn't come overnight, it came over time. And there are plenty of times where you're not gonna believe in yourself. And that's when I use those tools that I shared which are saying like, I refuse to believe that things end here. And then that's when I remind myself everything that has been really awful or good or anything has led me here, which means this awful thing is actually going to leave me there. And you know the other thing that I have recently started to think a lot about, I really feel like there are only two things that hold people back. And I'm not talking about the big external factors because there are very real factors that limit what's possible for you to achieve in a day. And I think it's very important to say that like the amount that I can get done in a 24 hour window today is very different than what I could get done 14 years ago when I have three kids who are home and I can't pay my bills and I have no help. And so don't be beating yourself up when you see that quote like, yeah, everybody's got the same 24 hours. No we don't. That is a lie. But you can do a lot with the time that you have. And one of the things though that I think I've come to believe is that there's only two things that are actually stopping you from getting the results that you want over time. And what keeps people, I think, from really achieving what you're capable of are two things. The first one is discouragement. I think this is the single biggest obstacle.

[Lewis Howes]

Discouraging yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, just pure discouragement. Because, you know, let's just like admit to ourselves, we live in this crazy, amazing moment of time where you could never, ever, ever say with a straight face or use an excuse, I don't know how. Go to ChatGPT, go to Google. I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding. Literally go to ChatGPT and say, act like the world's best life coach or business consultant. Here's the thing I want to create. Give me a 60 day plan, tell me how to what to do every day for 15 minutes. That will actually create that. You will, your jaw will hit the floor. And we literally had this thing happen with our podcast. We were having trouble with upload speeds in terms of getting files thing. And the team's been working on it, working on it. And I finally said, will you just put our equipment in ChatGPT and ask it how to solve this? Honest to God, you guys, 30 seconds later, spit out the answer. We've been struggling with this for a year. So here's the thing though. Information only makes you smart. It doesn't make you do it. And so you can be holding the answer in your hand. You can read Lewis's book, which is fantastic, and you can learn everything that you need to know in terms of the blueprint. But if you are discouraged, you won't do it because you will believe it's not gonna work for you.

[Lewis Howes]

So how do we overcome discouragement?

[Mel Robbins]

That's a great question. I don't know.

[Lewis Howes]

But that's the first thing you say. There's two things. Discouragement. And what do you think are some ways that can help us get out of that? Obviously, your method, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, gets you moving, but even if you're moving, you could still be doubting or discouraging yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, well, so the thing about using 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to push through is I felt so discouraged. That's why I wasn't getting out of bed back then, because I believe there was nothing I could do to get out of the financial mess that we were in. I believed that getting out of bed or looking for a job or laying off the drinking or not screaming at my husband, why would I do it? Like, it's not going to work. It's not going to matter. And if you get yourself in that rut, it's not going to matter, then why would you do it? And so the interesting thing about that moment in time is that I don't know that anybody could have necessarily gotten through to me because I was so convinced. And you know how you can get so right about how stuck you are.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Very righteous.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Yeah. It's kind of a way to stay in control, as weird as that is. And so I believe that the best way, for me, anyway, was simply that countdown thing. Five, four, three, two, one. Move. And what happened for me is that the action started to prove that there were little things that didn't fix the big problems, but they at least shifted a small thing in me. And again, it doesn't change overnight. It changes over time. So that's one thing, I think the other thing that's really important, honestly, and you're actually already doing it, which is pay attention to input. If you feel discouraged in your life, listening to Louis being here on a Tuesday night where you know he's not gonna come here and be like, y'all are losers, and you're never gonna achieve your stuff. And this book is not for you, because you're gonna be broke now. You knew you were gonna get encouragement, and so seeking it out is a really important thing to do when you recognize you can't do it for yourself. And so you can catch that from other people, and you're doing that. And so I think those are two things. And then there's another exercise that I love that I typically do around happiness. But I think you could do this in your life right now. Take out a piece of paper. This was something that I just stumbled upon with my daughter. I'm not sure I've told you this story.

[Lewis Howes]

I'm not sure.

[Mel Robbins]

I don't know. Okay, we'll see.

[Lewis Howes]

We'll see.

[Mel Robbins]

We'll see. We share a lot. So I don't know. Our daughter, after college, graduated completely just depressed.

[Lewis Howes]

Which one?

[Mel Robbins]

Sawyer. The one that I wrote the book with? Yeah. Okay. So she graduates from college, completely depressed.

[Lewis Howes]

Why was she depressed?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, my God. Because Covid had blown up two years of college. And when you're all disappointed because you feel like you missed out on graduation and you missed out on senior year, and you missed out on this, and she had put on weight, and she had been drinking too much, and all of a sudden, the friends have scattered, and she is home, and she's going to a job in cybersecurity, which she was not Excited about. So she's just like bummed.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so she had this breakdown. She was crying like crazy. And when she was finally done crying, we sat down and I said, here's what I, I said, well, what do you, what, what do you think is going to make you happy? She's like, I don't know. I don't know what's gonna make me happy. And I'm like, okay, here's the thing, hon. I think you do take out a piece of paper and you can do this at any moment in your life. It's the greatest exercise. Draw a line down the center. I want you to now think about a moment in your life where you just felt happier. You don't even have to be like, this is the happiest moment. When were you happier? When did you feel a little bit better? And the first thing that popped out of her mouth was senior year in high school. And first thought of mine was, well, that's kind of sad because that was like four years ago. But okay, didn't say that because you don't want to hit somebody from the ground. So I said, great. I want you to describe a day in the life. What time did you get up? What did you eat for breakfast? What did you do during the day? Who did you see? What did you do after? And she said, I got up at 6:30, I ate breakfast, I went off to school, I was with my friends all day. We then hung out because we had lacrosse practice, I was dating somebody, I would party on the weekends, I was looking forward to going to college. I'm like, great, okay, that looks like I can see why you felt better. All right, let's describe your life now. Sleep till one. I wake up hungover. I don't know what to do all day, I feel terrible, I'm outta shape, I'm not exercising, I don't see my friends, I'm not looking forward to everything. I'm like, okay, compare your life provides a map to the things that actually make you feel good. You just forgot. And so if you do that exercise, what you are going to see is a roadmap for what you have done at times in your life that actually make you feel like you and make you like lift you up. And I don't remember who said this, it might have been you. I once heard somebody say that if you ever feel stuck and you don't know what to do, the single most important project to take on is yourself. And taking on improving yourself, whether that's your health or whether that's learning something new, or whether that's finally facing your finances, or whether that's to claw back more time on the weekends and take on a project that you've been pushing aside, Whether it's launching your YouTube channel or figuring out affiliate marketing, or starting a podcast, or getting your real estate license, or going back to school. When you take on yourself as a project, you now create a sense of direction that gives your life meaning. And that's always going to lift you up.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So I think that's how you do it.

[Lewis Howes]

Can you think of a time where you were accomplishing a lot of things and outwardly had a lot of success, or things looked good, or you were building something and people were acknowledging for it, but you didn't feel good about you?

[Mel Robbins]

You mean like my 20s, my 30s, my 40s, and a lot of my 50s.

[Lewis Howes]

Is there like a season, like a six month or one year season where you're like, man, it looked like everything was really great, or my business was blowing up or this, or people were saying you're incredible, but I didn't feel good.

[Mel Robbins]

I think a lot of my life has felt like that.

[Lewis Howes]

Really? Don't you guys feel like that even when you're successful?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Yes. Because if you have not worked out yourself and your relationship with yourself, it does not matter what's happening on the outside. That's like the clothes you wear. That's what everybody sees. If you hate yourself, if you still are beating yourself up for the mistakes that you made, if you're holding that over your head like ransom for your happiness, Success does not make you happy. I started too late. Thank God I did. But I started too late in earnest looking at my relationship with myself.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. I think everybody, like, you know, I think that we all make the mistake. And there's a lot, you know, psychiatrists and psychologists and incredible researchers are out there that talk about this. This is not my field of expertise, but I have lived it in terms of hating myself and holding past mistakes over my head and feeling like I'm a bad person. And so many of us chase achievement and tell ourselves that if we just get a million followers, if we just have a million dollars in the bank, if we just drive the right car, if we just have the right clothes, if we're just in the right friend group, then those things on the outside somehow repair the things on the inside. Those are just the things you're doing. How you're feeling about yourself is the game. And the faster you can dedicate time and energy to Looking at who you are and what you can learn from the mistakes that you've made and how you forgive yourself for the things that you did that hurt other people and the things that you've done to yourself that hurt you. So that you can step fully into the next chapter of your life feeling like you've got your arm around your own shoulder, like that is the greatest gift you could ever give to yourself. For real.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Mel Robbins]

And I also think back to your question. It's one of the reasons why I am humbled profoundly by what is happening in my career right now. But I'm very clear. This is a job. My identity is not the podcast or this book, full stop. And it wasn't until I could get good with myself and the kind of person that I am and forgiving myself for the mistakes that I've made in the past, instead of just constantly, relentlessly beating myself up over regrets and, like, waking up every day and feeling like I've done something wrong and trying to prove that it wasn't until I got to the point that I was good with myself that you have this very detached experience about the things that happen out there. It's great. It's a measure of, like, the impact that you make, but it doesn't change anything about how I feel about myself. And I never, ever, ever even knew that it was possible to be good with yourself. That's how much I trash myself.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow. When did you start to, like, take that on that journey for yourself where you said, I'm good with me no matter what happens in career or numbers or money?

[Mel Robbins]

I think that I didn't realize that I had actually achieved this breakthrough for myself until the success of this project. And I just completely felt detached from how successful this thing was.

[Lewis Howes]

So in the last few months, yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And I've been working very, very, very hard to look at the stuff that went down in childhood, the things that I did that were crazy, unhealthy coping mechanisms in, especially my late teens and my 20s and even into my early 30s.

[Lewis Howes]

What were some of those?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, God, how long do we have? Like, 23. I mean, everything. Everything from the drugs to the drinking to the stealing to cheating on people, to, like, I literally will bump into old boyfriends and be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. You met me, like, when I didn't realize I had childhood trauma and I had been the victim of this, and, you know, I'd repressed all these memories, and instead I had a form of ADHD that was not diagnosed, and it Was the type that makes you like, really impulsive and you have really low dopamine. And so like you literally are seeking thrill seeking behaviors like, you know, shoplifting or, you know, cheating on nice guys. And oh my God, I'm really sorry. And they're like, great to see you too.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, wow. And you used to beat yourself up a lot, everybody, daily, every day.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh my God. I mean, am I the only one that would literally, you send a text, you're like, oh my God, Louis did not text back. Is Louis mad at me? I have not heard from Louis in a day. Is something going on with Louis? I must have done something wrong. And so I, and I now know because I've spent enough time just like you have. And like you do because you listened to Louis hearing from experts and going, oh, wait a minute, hold on a second. Why is my default thought that I've done something wrong? Why am I so hard on myself? Why am I so busy that I cannot actually sit still?

[Lewis Howes]

Interesting.

[Mel Robbins]

And I didn't even realize you guys how. And it's a double edged sword because if you're going to be an entrepreneur and successful in business, you know, you gotta have a drive. You know that you're signing up for 80 hour weeks. You know that there is going to be amount of go, go, go. That is part of the job and the demand of actually going after something big. That's just what you're signing up for. But what I started to realize, and I don't know if any of you have had this epiphany, but you certainly have, I've noticed that I actually was busy as a default and I didn't realize this until the pandemic hit and there's nowhere to go. And then all of a sudden you get all fidgety because you can't run to Target, or you can't run to the coffee shop, or you can't run to see your friends, or you can't run over here. And I started to. And then we moved to Vermont and I'm like, oh my God, there are no people, there's nowhere to go. And you know, my skin is crawling. And I started to realize that my resting state was go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Lewis Howes]

And that sounds exhausting.

[Mel Robbins]

It was exhausting. I think most. And actually the research now shows this comes from Dr. Aditi Nurokar over at Harvard's Beth Israel Deaconess. She runs their massive stress management clinic. Her research shows that 83% of people are actually living in a state of chronic fight or flight, meaning your amygdala is going. So if you are procrastinating more than ever, if you feel on edge, if you feel more irritable, if you are struggling to focus more than ever, the issue is that your stress response is running you. And that was me. And if I go back through my history, I had an incident happen in 4th grade where I woke up and we were in a big family, like, ski trip thing with a bunch of other families. And I woke up, I was sound asleep. So a moment when you're safe and resting, and I woke up to an older kid on top of me.

[Lewis Howes]

Ooh.

[Mel Robbins]

And I rolled over and I don't remember what happened next. And then the next morning I woke up and I had the sheets over me. And my immediate cause I'm in like my 10 year old body, I immediately sensed something's wrong. And then part of the human wiring when you're little, and I didn't know any of this stuff, you guys, till I'm like in my feet forties, that the human design is such that when you're a little kid, you don't have something. This is from Dr. Paul Conti at Stanford, who is one of the world's leading experts on trauma. I always thought trauma was like, you've been to war, you've been the victim of violent crime. Like something like wildly horrific had happened to you. It was a whole new thing for me to understand that trauma is any experience that actually is remembered in the body in an alarm state. It gets recorded in your nervous system. So this happens to me. I wake up at 10 years old, my first experience is something bad's happened. And then because you're little, you developmentally do not have something called attribution. Attribution is a human being's availability or a human being's ability to look outside yourself and attribute what you're feeling to somebody else. So little kids, I think this is one of the cruelest things about the human design. Little kids do not have attribution. So when your mom or dad came home and some people have that experience where you hear a car pull up on the gravel driveway and you freeze.

[Lewis Howes]

A little or you get excited.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, yeah, that's a positive one. But if you freeze a little. Oh, yeah, that's because when some people came home when you were little, you know what happened. And so if you still do that, or if you hear a crack of a beer can open and something like somewhere just makes you tense, that is what I'm talking about. So I Of course, didn't go, that kid's the problem. I denied it. I am. And do you know, I suppressed that memory. I don't know why. And I recalled it in my early 30s, and then I didn't know what to do with it, and I was too embarrassed to talk about it. And then I started to learn more about this in my 40s, and it suddenly made sense. Oh, my God. No wonder I wake up every morning and I think I've done something wrong or something's wrong, because this is what my body's been doing since I was 10 years old. This is a stored memory. And if you grew up in a chaotic household or you grew up with parents where you didn't know what mood people were gonna be in, and so you kind of wake up. This is one of the most common experiences that people have that you don't realize it's actually tied to what it was like to be a kid. So that was kind of the beginning of all this unwinding and just really going deep and going, I don't want to freaking live like this. And I could have a choice. There are things I could do to just make my body settle.

[Lewis Howes]

Right. So before you share how you did that, how you started settling it, I don't know if you guys are hearing a theme tonight, but I talked about memories and the meaning we give. Our memories create a belief within us that we hold on to until. And that belief influences our behaviors, and we consistently show up that way until we're able to reflect and take a step back and say, why am I doing these things? What's causing me to react this way? Why am I responding this way? Why do I tense up in these situations? And so you started to reflect on that.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And what helped you start to heal, process, let go of and integrate feeling emotionally safe within you again, when. Whenever you used to feel like you were doing something wrong, and now you can feel more safe within you, no matter what is happening around you.

[Mel Robbins]

It's a great question. So for me, because you talked about memory and story and that stuff, it goes a layer deeper because I think. And I know you're incorporating this with memory, but for me, it was important to have this epiphany moment where like, oh, my God, this is about the sensations in my body.

[Lewis Howes]

Your nervous system?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, it's about that kind of. Am I actually calm, or does my body feel like I am a car at a stoplight and I'm revving the gas? And that was what it felt like to Be me all the time.

[Lewis Howes]

24 7.

[Mel Robbins]

24 7. And so there's a million things you can do. I mean, and I think what's really exciting about it is, was, you know, kind of sad and exciting. Sorry, is that to think I lived for so long like that? Because I didn't know. And it didn't take a long time for my body to learn a different way.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

But what was the awareness that you had and the process you used personally to start to feel more safe?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, well, so the first awareness that you need is to go, I don't want my life to feel like this anymore.

[Lewis Howes]

That's all you need, making a decision.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. You need to say, I don't want my life to feel like this. And you could insert, I don't want my job to feel like this. I don't want my body to feel like this when I wake up. I don't want my relationships to feel like this. I don't want my stress. Like, you can just literally saying the way that my life is right now no longer works for me. That's all you need to do. And then I would write out, what exactly is it? And for me, it was like, I hate waking up and feeling a sense of dread. And then it was like, I hate feeling on edge all the time. And then it was like there were just a lot of things. And so when I started to learn about the fact that a lot of this is driven by your nervous system, there are so many things you can do to program your nervous system. And what works for me, and the good news is there's not one thing that works for everybody. And what I love about having multiple things that you can do is that there are going to be different days where different things work. And so if you just think about it, like, here's how I think about it, because I like metaphors, I like visual stuff. It really helps me think about this. So I think about your nervous system. There's electrical wires all through this building that we can't see. Right. And the lights are turned on. And I think about those moments when my body starts to do one of these and I go on edge. Or I feel myself getting a little too, like, ramped up about something. So you know you're not an idiot. You know when you're calm and when you're present. You also know when you're, like, super stressed out or you're starting to feel that the engine is revving. The way that I think about it is when my fight or flight engine Revving nervous system goes. The lights are blinking.

[Lewis Howes]

They're blinking.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, yeah, because you feel it. It's like, it's like. And so what does that mean? It means there's like some kink in the wire somewhere in my nervous system. Who knows if it's from the kid when I was in fourth grade or something that I don't remember that one, you know, who knows where it came from. I just know that it's happening. So now it's my job to find the switch. Because if I turn the switch off on a light that's blinking. You know how when you lower dimmer on a blinking light, it's not so annoying anymore. All of a sudden it's a little calm. That switch is the vagus nerve. Vagus nerve runs from your seat through your major organs, through your vocal cord all the way to the top of your head. This is the on off switch for your nervous system. It's how you switch between the blinking light to turn it down a little bit. And now everything's steady. And there's a bazillion things you can do. You can hum. Like, you can't have a panic attack in church because as you're singing a hymn and your vocal cords are vibrating, it's actually what they call toning the vagus nerve. Cold plunging is a way to tone the vagus. Nerd. Cold plunging also works because you are putting yourself in a setting, whether you're in the shower or the bathtub or the ice bath, where all of a sudden the lights start to blink. You get in that cold water, it's like, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. And then as you breathe, you're hitting that dimmer switch and you're bringing it down. Meditation another way that you can do it. There are so much like, just go to ChatGPT and say, I would like act like the world's best psychologist and tell me what to do twice a day to tone the vagus nerve and actually calm my nervous system. And there you'll have the answer. And then you're going to. That's not going to work for me. I'm not going to do it because I'm discouraged. And then you're now going to use 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I'm going to do it.

[Lewis Howes]

I don't know if anyone here has ever done this. I don't know if you've ever done this where you felt the blinking, you felt the stress, and you've tried to get someone else to stop what they're Doing to cause that stress within you.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

I don't know if you've ever.

[Mel Robbins]

It's called marriage. It's called marriage, parenting, work.

[Lewis Howes]

Watch what you say, though. You know?

[Mel Robbins]

You know? Yeah. You mean, like, all the emails you. Have you ever seen? There's like, they're like, best send. You know what I mean? Like, when you do that.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, but I mean, when you try to. When you try to control or stop someone else from doing something that's causing you to react. Stressed out.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And trying to control everything in your environment except for managing yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Have you heard what they call the let them theory? Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Is that something you used to do, though?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, of course. Well, because other people are annoying and they stress you out and they worry you. And so this is the problem. We all have a fundamental need for control. Right. It makes you feel safe. I need to feel in control of, like, even. Even, like, Lewis. I'll give you an example. You ready?

[Lewis Howes]

Oh.

[Mel Robbins]

Give you an example.

[Lewis Howes]

What did I feel?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, like. So Louis, like, comes back as you guys were sharing.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

It's five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. I said you got five more minutes. Are you good?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, I'm like, I'm great. I'm great. And so literally, like, 11 minutes go by.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And she's like, and now I can't control him.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And I'm starting to feel it. So now I'm like, okay, should I sit? And I'm like, let him. Let him. I'm standing backstage, and I'm now standing. Starting to get like, okay, what's happening? I can't control what's happening out here. So let him do that. And let me just stand back here and take a deep breath and be so proud of my friend who is here in Boston, in the town where we raised our kids, with all of you amazing people. But how many times have you felt yourself getting stressed in the grocery store line or stressed on the Mass Pike? I mean, how irritating is that when they close the tunnel? What idiots are painting like, the tunnel on a money. Let them. Right, Right. So, yes. See, what happens is when other people's behavior is annoying or bothers you or stresses you out or upsets you, it makes you feel out of control.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Nothing makes me feel more out of control than when I need a red eye from Dunkin Donuts and the line is really long in the morning. You know what I'm saying? And so I just. You tend to then make this mistake when other people are upsetting you of controlling what they're doing.

[Lewis Howes]

And that's something you did for a long time.

[Mel Robbins]

My whole life. I still do it. That's why I need the let them theory to stop myself from doing it. We all do it because we have a need to be in control. And other people's behavior often makes you feel out of control. I mean, have you ever, like, if I think back to some of my, like, relationships before I met Chris, like when somebody breaks up with you and then you're the loser that's trying to, like, control what happened, bring them back and like, hang around and make yourself better looking so that they'll take you back. Like that's a form of control. Yeah, right. Because you're trying to take away the pain by making them do something. And it took me a very long time. I'm clearly a slow learner about these life lessons, so.

[Lewis Howes]

Because that seems like something that was holding you back for most of your life. This idea of trying to control other people and stuff like that. Everybody is held back or whatever it might be. And so when was the exact moment? Because I've heard you say it a bunch of times. But for people who haven't heard it, when was the exact moment this epiphany of I'm going to let people be themselves and not try to control every situation.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, my mother will tell you, she's been telling me to do this my entire life.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure.

[Mel Robbins]

And she even has a pillow. She's like, I came up with the. Let me part. It's this pillow where she's like, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it. You know, the joke about this whole thing is you and I both created content. Like, stop caring about what people think. And, you know, the concepts have been out there forever. But I'll tell you something, the time that it hit me, a freaking sledgehammer. Because you can talk about stuff all you want. You can read concepts all you want. Like, do you know how many books I've read about stoicism? My husband is a Buddhist. I can't let anything go. For God's sakes. Like, I understand these. I've read Viktor Frankl's Man, Search for Meaning is one of my favorite books of all time. Like, that what's happening out there doesn't have to control what's happening in here. That your power is in your attitude and your response to things. They're not new ideas. I've even talked about these. I've interviewed experts on these things. When it hit me, like, a ton of bricks. You know, when you're ready, the teacher appears. I don't know who said, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And you better be careful because it's gonna be really annoying who shows up and who showed up for me. And there's such irony to this is because this was at my. When the power of this hit me at my son's high school prom because I was a micromanaging freak. Have any of you ever sent anybody to a prom or had a mother who controlled you at your prom? Right. So I just was like all upset about things and like, okay, you got to bring a corsage. She doesn't want a corsage. I know better. You've never been a. You need to bring a Sara sauce. We get to the pre photo party and we take the photos and then all of a sudden it starts to rain and all these kids are like, well, we think we're going to go on the rain. I'm like, you're not going in the rain. Look at these new fancy sneakers that you got. And like, what do you. They're like, we're going to go to this taco. You're going to a taco bar. Your tux is going to get wet. Your sneakers are going to. And my daughter was home. And here's the irony of this. You ready? When my daughter's prom happened, she was such a raging, controlling, dare I say, entitled piece of work that we had a knockdown argument at a hair salon in Natick the day of. The day of the. Oh yeah. Cause we had the spray tan and the nails and the whole thing. And she'd get her hair done. I mean, it's like a thousand, I can't say dollars. And she doesn't like the way the women did the makeup. I lost my mind. Louis screaming at her. I stormed out of the salon. Your father's gonna have to drive. You better call. And I left. Yes. Uh huh. And her father had to go get her.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And he had to pay for this stuff because I was so angry at how much of an attitude she had. I'm like, this is a prom. It's not like, like, come on, you're not on the COVID of Vanity Fair, Right. You're going to a public high school prom. But I'm the idiot paying for this stuff, so of course I'm. So anyway, it's a whole story anyway.

[Lewis Howes]

Okay, so this is the irony.

[Mel Robbins]

This is the irony. So guess who the teacher is in this story. That daughter, because she's home And I'm starting to, like, go like, you can't go out in the sneakers and this, that, and the other. My husband's standing there, my mother in law is there, my son is there. He's like kind of inching away from me. And my daughter reaches over and grabs me, and she has like fake nails, so it goes in the bicep, which basically I think snaps me out of, like the ha and into the moment and the nail. And she's like, mom, you're being annoying. You know, if they want to go outside, let them. If they want to get to see it, let them. Again, just, it's like this cascade of. Let them, let them, let them, let them, let them. And then she's like, it's their prom, not yours. Let them do what they want. And then she, like, released the nails. And Louis, honest to God, all I said to myself was like, why the hell do I care about this? And it's not like, at that point, I'm like, I'm gonna write a book. That's not what it. That's not what happened. And so I literally just started to say those words. I'm at Home Depot. You ever been at Home Depot? In the garden center on a nice weekend, and they got one cash register open and you got the flatbed and there's like five things in front of you, and it's like, beep, beep, beep. Anybody got a price on these? Impatience. Oh, my God, they're $1.99. Good. I gotta get to Dunkin Donuts. I'm ready to kill somebody. Right? And so you feel the volcano. And I'm just like, okay, Mel, let them. And that was how it started. That's how it started. And then we did a podcast episode about it. As I started to use it and it started to go, I just, like, it became a thing. And then as the podcast episode took off, people started writing articles about it and sending in tattoos. And the last time I had seen anything with tattoos was the five second rule, because I've received 10,000 tattoos with 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and rockets. And so I just was like, wow. And, you know, the truth is, I don't like to write books. I'm dyslexic. I have adhd. I thought, okay, well, this is like one of those little books. This is like a book, like a graduation speech book. Like, you know, the books that you read on the toilet that are like, you swim. Like, you buy them at, like, Urban Outfitters or something. You know what I'm saying, like, maybe we could do one of those. And then we just started digging it and it was so deep and rich and the stoicism and the themes, like when we, when I went on the. It was. What's been so incredible about this experience is that I feel like your grandparents and all of our ancestors are part of this. Like when I sat with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. S son Martin and his wife Andrea as we were talking about this on their podcast, My Legacy podcast, he literally looked at me and said, mel, this is my father's teaching.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Mel Robbins]

You know, because no response doesn't mean you're giving in. Choosing peace is not surrender. Choosing peace is a form of power.

[Lewis Howes]

That's true.

[Mel Robbins]

And so to see this reflected back in the ways that you make it your own, whether it's the shirts that you're making or it's the let them for realtors, let them for parents, let them for entrepreneurs. Because if you're going to build a business, you got to learn to let people not do business with you. You got to learn to let people not understand what you're doing. You got to learn to let your family have their opinions. And you gotta let me stay focused on the simple things you are not doing right now that you know you need to do that will actually create everything that you want. And you know, the fact is, and this brings me to the second thing after I know there's like 55 things I'm sorry, take away, take away is that I said that the two obstacles, only two that you have. One is when you're discouraged.

[Lewis Howes]

Uh huh.

[Mel Robbins]

The second is when you doubt your capability. And the only reason why I think you doubt your capability is because you're too concerned about what other people are going to think about it. That's the biggest source of your doubt. And you don't even realize it because you stop when you hesitate. And the only thing you're considering is how other people are going to react or what their mood's going to be or what their expectations are. And so when you recognize, wow, I can go to ChatGPT, write my business plan and give me the plan and it can tell me day by day what to do every day this year to lead to a certain result. It is right there. And now all I have to do is I got to let other people do what they're going to do. And then I got to let me remind myself every morning when I wake up, even when I don't feel like it, damn it, I'm going to do It. Because that's how I create the things that I want in my life.

[Lewis Howes]

There you go. I love that. I got one final question, and I asked everyone to do this when you were. You weren't here yet, I don't think. And the question is, what are a couple of things you're most grateful for today?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, well, today I'm grateful for you.

[Lewis Howes]

Grateful for you.

[Mel Robbins]

Grateful for you.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Grateful for you. Louis is a great friend. You know, one thing that I will tell you about, about, like, really good friends, like, you would look at Lewis and I and you would think we're competitors, right? Because we're in the same industry. Like, one of the greatest things about Louis is he is like the world's greatest supporter. And the mistake that everybody makes. I learned this too late as well, and I'm so grateful that I know this. Now, you might be surprised to know that so many of us that have podcasts are actually really great friends. And, you know, but it's not, of course.

[Lewis Howes]

Not all of them. Not everyone.

[Mel Robbins]

Not everyone, but. But. So the thing that's important, though, I think it was on Jay's podcast, was it Selena Gomez that said this?

[Lewis Howes]

What'd she say? I didn't.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, I think that's who he said. I just, I think that this is who, like when he shared this sentiment. Cause I'm like, Jay, you're right. He said the mistake that people make is you actually think the other people that own restaurants or who are in real estate or other entrepreneurs, that you're competing against them. Actually, they should be your best friends. And here's why. Because your family has no idea what you're going through. Chris, Martha, they have no. Well, Martha has a podcast and she's also got a huge career and is kind of in an adjacent space. But even still, like my husband, Martha doesn't understand the day to day pressures because they're not doing what we're doing. And the mistake that you make is you think you're the only one. And then you think your friends and your family understand. They're never gonna understand. It's the people that you think you're competing against who will actually be your greatest allies and your biggest forms of support in the business that you're building.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So seek them out. Cheer for them. When you see them winning. There's a reason why you see restaurants kind of on the same blocks. It's because when they put them on the same blocks, they actually all do better. Because people that go to restaurants, like going to other restaurants and so it's a mistake to think that if you're opening up a fitness club, that somehow the yoga studio down the street is somehow competent. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because people get tired of yoga. And so if you're cheering for those guys and you show up at their grand opening and you're shouting them out on social, guess what they do? They do the same thing for you. And so please, seek out the people that are doing things that you admire. Cheer for them, seek out people and support people that are doing the similar kinds of businesses, because you're going to find you have so much more in common and people are more interested in helping you than you think.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. And this is something that we do. I mean, for the last three months, I've been texting you every couple weeks. I'm like, you're still here. You're still here. You're crushing it here. Congrats. And it's just, you do the same for me. We do this with each other. And I think I learned early on that just competing isn't fun. It's like, maybe there's a little bit of thrill of like, oh, I'm beating someone. But it's not enjoyable long term and it's not sustainable. But collaboration is the key, again, to that abundance, feeling. If you want to feel abundant, if you want to feel joyful, free, collaborate, don't compete. And I think that's been a key for me as well. So if you guys haven't yet, make sure you go right now and get the Let Them theory book. Make sure to subscribe to our podcast.

[Mel Robbins]

No, you know why? Because it would be the coolest thing in the world to see one of my closest friends dethrone me and take the number one spot. So please take By Lewis's book. That would be hard to thing in the world.

[Lewis Howes]

It's going to be hard to hit number one with her up there. I mean, your book is going crazy, but it's not about being number one. It's about doing the best you can and being of service.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

And if it hits number one, cool. If it doesn't, that's okay too. It's all good. So, Pano, one day. No, I'm good. Guys, make sure you guys get a copy of her book. Make sure if you haven't subscribed to her podcast, make sure you subscribe right now. Leave a review for the book and for the podcast. While you're at it, you can leave a review for my book and the podcast as well. And let's Give it up one more time for the inspiring Mel Robbins Yes, I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness+channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great.