Podcast Summary: "Relationship Expert: The SECRET to Healing Your Relationship After Conflict"

The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes — Guest: Baya Voce
Release Date: October 13, 2025

Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Lewis Howes welcomes relationship expert Baya Voce to delve deep into conflict and repair in intimate relationships. Drawing from her years of coaching, research, and personal experience, Baya unpacks the mechanisms of healing after conflict, the roles our nervous systems play, and how “repair” is the cornerstone of lasting, healthy love. The conversation challenges pop culture myths, explores practical tools for couples, and offers vulnerable personal stories.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myth of Relationship Perfection & The Inevitable Role of Conflict

• Conflict is Normal and Necessary.
  Baya explains that true intimacy doesn't mean a lack of conflict; rather, it’s about how couples move through and repair after disagreements.
  • “Conflict without repair is just pain. But then conflict with repair is healing.” (Baya, 01:57)
• Three Phases of Relationships:
  1. Merging: The initial “soulmate” phase—intense connection, little friction.
  2. Power Struggle: Where differences emerge; many couples get stuck here.
  3. Interdependence: Healthy, mature partnership with mutual understanding and repair.
• Most couples get stuck in the power struggle phase.
  • “The tricky part is most people never exit out of stage two. Most people are in the power struggle for the duration of the relationship.” (Baya, 05:36)
• Pop culture (Disney, rom-coms) misguides us into believing good relationships are always easy.

2. Understanding Triggers and Emotional Regulation

• Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Reactions:
  Old adaptive behaviors (e.g., hiding, crying for attention) resurface in adult conflict.
  • "When we don’t understand that there is this younger part of ourselves that is in charge when we're triggered... you’re probably not going to get your needs met." (Baya, 07:21)
• You’re not just dating a person; you’re dating their nervous system.
  • “If their nervous system is wounded and deregulated, then that's what you're getting in a relationship with." (Lewis, 13:23)
• Co-regulation vs. Self-Regulation:
  Baya notes the importance of learning both; relationships highlight our default mode and push us to expand.
• Physiology matters: Hormones, nutrition, and sleep directly impact our emotional regulation.
  • “If your thyroid is off, if you don’t have enough vitamin D, if your hormones are out of whack...you cannot repair without being regulated, period.” (Baya, 21:54)

3. The Skills for Relationship Repair

• The TAR Framework: Truth, Agreement, Responsibility (30:37–39:48)
  • Truth: There’s no objective truth in conflict, just perspectives.
    • “There is no truth in relationship. There are just two people who are having their own experiences.” (Baya, 31:13)
  • Agreement: Agreement is not required for repair—attunement and empathy are.
    • “Agreement is the enemy of attunement. And attunement is really what we need in order to repair.” (Baya, 34:55)
  • Responsibility: True repair requires owning your impact without collapsing into shame or scapegoating your partner.
• Practical Tools:
  • When emotions are heightened, take a break and regulate before discussing.
  • One person speaks at a time; attune before expressing your own pain.
  • Aim for “70% repair”—the remaining 30% is personal work.
  • “Micro-repairs” in everyday moments build resilience.
• Empathy:
  Emotional empathy (feeling with) and cognitive empathy (understanding intellectually).

4. Limits of Repair & Unrepairable Situations (62:14–64:18)

• Infidelity, addiction, manipulation: Whether repair is possible is a personal boundary, but active addiction and ongoing manipulation make real repair almost impossible.
  • “If there’s active addiction, it’s really hard to…repair because you’re in a cycle of retox and detox and you’re not really in relationship with that person, you’re in relationship with their dysregulation and their addiction.” (Baya, 63:04)

5. Personal Stories and Vulnerability

• Baya’s Own Journey:
  She candidly shares her ongoing work with abandonment wounds, her patterns of appeasement and people-pleasing, and how she learned the difference between excitement and peace in healthy love.
  • “At such a young age, I learned how to chameleon. I learned how…” (Baya, 48:55)
  • “The most vulnerable thing I can do is say to you, you have it [my heart]…I know you’ll drop it….and when you’re not able, I’ve got me.” (Baya, 75:43)
• Lewis on Shame & Safety:
  Lewis opens up about his own healing, shame around abuse, and lessons learned about congruence and internal safety.
  • “If anyone knew that I’d been sexually abused and raped by a man, no one will ever love me…It was 25 years I kept a secret from anyone in my world…” (Lewis, 81:16)

6. Navigating Complexity & Growth

• Flexibility in Values:
  Couples must learn to adapt, as values and visions shift over time.
  • “How can you be flexible with your values, with your agreements, and making sure things are gonna evolve and change?” (Lewis, 90:14)
• Transformation is a Journey:
  • “Healing’s a journey. Thriving in relationships…you got to be willing to continue to reinvest in you and the relationship, always for growth, you know.” (Lewis, 73:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You cannot repair without being regulated, period.” (Baya, 21:54)
• “You’re not getting into a relationship with a human being. You’re getting into a relationship with their nervous system.” (Lewis, 13:23)
• “There is no truth in relationship. There are just two people who are having their own experiences.” (Baya, 31:13)
• “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” (Lewis quoting Gabor Maté, 13:23)
• “The most vulnerable thing I can do is say to you, you have [my heart]…I know you’ll drop it…I will do the work to pick up the parts of myself that are hardest for me to love.” (Baya, 75:43)
• “Relationships are not problems to solve, but paradoxes to manage.” (Esther Perel, cited by Baya, 84:59)
• “It’s the micro repairs that actually ultimately…[lead to healthy relationships].” (Baya, 72:03)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Phases of Relationships: 04:15–07:08
• Childhood Patterns & Triggers: 07:21–13:23
• Nervous System & Dating: 13:23–17:47
• The TAR Framework (Truth, Agreement, Responsibility): 30:37–39:48
• Baya’s Personal Journey of Repair: 46:43–51:20
• Unrepairable Situations (Addiction, Manipulation): 62:14–64:18
• Lasting Change & Growth in Partnership: 72:03–76:26
• Compassion for Younger Selves and Personal Healing: 81:16–83:15
• Complexity & Flexibility in Relationships: 84:59–90:14

Actionable Takeaways & Resources

• Baya’s Repair PDF & Tools: Details and downloadable scripts for repair available at bayavoce.com
• Prioritize Emotional Regulation: Don’t attempt repair in a dysregulated state; focus on physiological needs (sleep, nutrition, sunlight).
• Practice Empathy and Attunement: Give your partner space to speak and aim for understanding before being understood.
• Get Support Early: Couples therapy or coaching is more effective as a proactive tool than a last-resort intervention.
• Know Your Limits: Recognize when a relationship is beyond repair due to addiction or ongoing abuse/manipulation.

Conclusion

This episode reframes conflict as a path to healing. Baya Voce offers nuanced, actionable guidance steeped in science, empathy, and lived experience. Both hosts model vulnerability, showing that healthy love is not about avoiding conflict but about learning the skills of regulation, repair, and self-responsibility. Listeners left with the message that meaningful repair is possible—and essential—for lasting connection.

Further Learning

• Baya Voce: bayavoce.com | Instagram: @bayavoce
• Free Repair Scripts & Guides: Download via Baya’s website
• Esther Perel et al: For more on managing paradoxes
• Books/Programs Mentioned: Internal Family Systems, Gabor Maté, Terry Real, “The Body Keeps the Score”

This summary cuts through the noise and delivers rich, applicable wisdom for those seeking to heal and thrive in their relationships.