Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness

Episode: Stop Attracting The Wrong Relationships. Do This To Find Lasting Love!
Host: Lewis Howes
Date: February 18, 2026

Episode Overview

This special masterclass episode features highlights from five impactful conversations with renowned relationship experts, curated by Lewis Howes to help listeners break unhealthy relationship patterns and create lasting love. The episode dives into personal responsibility, dynamic relationship patterns, self-awareness, vulnerability, and practical tools for cultivating thriving romantic connections.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Esther Perel: Redefining Relationship Dynamics & The Power of Play

(Timestamps: 02:43–18:06)

• Self-Reflection After Relationships

  • It’s not enough to focus on what the other person did wrong. Explore your own role.
  • “If their entire story about the relationship that just ended is about what the other person did wrong to them, something is missing in the story.” – Esther Perel (02:43)
  • Ask: Who were you in this relationship? What did you ignore? What do you wish you did differently? Who do you want to become for your next partner?

• Relationship as a Dynamic, Not a Fixed Essence

  • Relationships are not static; they are shaped by mutual responses and joint behaviors—a “figure 8” of interaction.
  • “We are not the same person with different partners...it’s the dynamic.” – Esther Perel (04:47)
  • Changing partners can activate or soothe different parts of ourselves.

• Responsibility Without Blame

  • Taking responsibility is distinct from blame. Healthy relationships require both partners to own their part.

• The Importance of Play, Humor, and Curiosity

  • Playfulness revitalizes relationships far more than routines or surface-level intimacy.
  • “Play is essential...it is actually the quality of emotions that is the least talked about.” (09:33)
  • Humor serves as a crucial diagnostic: absence of humor may signal deeper problems.
  • “If a couple comes to you for therapy and there is absolutely zero humor left, it is diagnostic.” (11:00)
  • Play enables risk-taking, emotional flexibility, and deeper connection.

• Creativity Amid Adversity (Personal Story)

  • Perel shared a personal pandemic experience: anxiety and fear were alleviated by her partner’s humor—demonstrating play as emotional medicine (13:54).
  • She developed group activities and a conversation game to foster connection during lockdown.

2. Jillian Turecki: The Necessity of Self-Awareness and Realism in Love

(Timestamps: 18:22–32:46)

• Know Your Psychology to Choose Wisely

  • You can only identify the right partner by whole-heartedly understanding your own strengths, weaknesses, and history.
  • “In order to know who is right for you, you have to understand your own psychology.” – Jillian Turecki (18:22)
  • Be real about personal preferences—don’t force yourself to fit someone else’s mold (“Sorry, Charlie, like, that’s not gonna be right for you.” 19:12)

• Accountability for Past Relationship Patterns

  • Turecki admits to bringing codependency and low self-worth into past relationships, becoming overly reliant on her partner for happiness.
  • “Depending on my partner too much for my happiness...is catastrophe.” (20:47)

• Paradoxes and Expectations in Partnerships

  • Happiness should be internally sourced; expecting a partner to “fix” you sets up disappointment.
  • “No one can walk our path but ourselves.” (21:08)

• Healthy Boundaries Are Crucial

  • Prioritize self-worth: choose to be single rather than accept subpar or abusive treatment.
  • “You have to be in a position where you’d rather be single than just in something subpar, that is an amazing position to be in.” (26:44)

• Personal Examples & Humor

  • Turecki shares her experience with an avoidant partner, illustrating how ingrained patterns can perpetuate anxiety and damage connection (29:14–31:13).

3. Matthew Hussey: Breaking Unhealthy Patterns & Finding Emotional Safety

(Timestamps: 34:31–43:39)

• Why Do We Sabotage Good Relationships?

  • We often chase what feels exciting but not what is right for us, cycling back to unhealthy patterns.
  • “If you chase the wrong things...that chasing the wrong things will always loop you back to where you started.” – Matthew Hussey (35:04)

• Acknowledging Unfamiliar Safety

  • True emotional safety can be so unfamiliar it feels unnerving.
  • “I felt like I was home. I could truly be myself. I felt genuinely accepted and not judged. And it was a kind of an unfamiliar feeling.” (36:58)

• Navigating Vulnerability

  • Past experiences where vulnerability was punished make us fearful; finding partners who receive vulnerability with compassion is transformative.
  • Hussey recounts two pivotal moments: being shamed for opening up (39:05) and being accepted, which healed old wounds (42:17).
  • “The fact that you told me that, it's just, I love it because I get to know...I get to know you better.” – Matthew Hussey quoting his wife (42:07)

4. Bea Voce: Healing Through Relationships & Nervous System Awareness

(Timestamps: 45:44–52:42)

• Conflict as Opportunity for Healing

  • “Conflict without repair is just pain over and over and over again, but then conflict with repair is healing.” – Bea Voce (45:44)
  • We unconsciously ask partners to help heal our old wounds.

• You Date Someone’s Nervous System

  • “You're not getting into a relationship with a human being. You're getting in a relationship with their nervous system.” – (48:13)
  • How someone is regulated (or not) impacts relationship quality more than appearance or surface compatibility.

• Regulation Skills

  • Understand your own “brand of dysregulation” and take responsibility for it.
  • The balance between self-regulation (autoregulation) and co-regulation is key. Recognizing your needs and stretching your capacity in both dimensions is part of growth (51:02).

5. Mel Robbins: Lasting Marriages, Emotional Regulation, and Childhood Triggers

(Timestamps: 54:40–63:47)

• Self-Awareness, Patterns, and Lasting Love

  • Mel Robbins reflects on a 26-year marriage, highlighting how her and her husband’s different stress coping mechanisms reinforced each other's patterns, sometimes to their detriment.

• Surface Arguments Hide Deeper Wounds

  • Everyday disagreements (like "cardboard box Jenga" by the garage) are often about unhealed childhood pain.
  • “I'm thinking cardboard boxes. He's childhood trauma...all of that gets magnified...” – Mel Robbins (59:58)

• Key to Growth: Emotional Regulation

  • The core relationship skill is the ability to tolerate and self-soothe uncomfortable feelings.
  • “At the heart of all your interpersonal issues with anybody else, is your own inability to handle uncomfortable feelings.” (61:53)
  • Learning to regulate emotions, rather than expelling them at others, is a game changer for relationships.

• Fundamental Advice

  • Always remember your partner is fundamentally kind and loving, even amidst conflict.
  • “Always remind yourself that he is a kind and loving person who just wants to be loved. That's all we all are.” – Mel Robbins (60:26)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Esther Perel:

  • “If their entire story ... is about what the other person did wrong ... something is missing” (02:43)
  • “We are not the same person with different partners. ... it’s the dynamic.” (04:47)
  • “Play is essential...the least talked about [emotion].” (09:33)
  • “If a couple comes to you...zero humor...it is diagnostic.” (11:00)

• Jillian Turecki:

  • “You hate the outdoors. ... Sorry, Charlie, like, that’s not gonna be right for you.” (19:12)
  • “Depending on my partner too much for my happiness ... is catastrophe.” (20:47)
  • “No one can walk our path but ourselves.” (21:08)
  • “You have to be in a position where you’d rather be single than just in something subpar...” (26:44)

• Matthew Hussey:

  • “Chasing the wrong things will always loop you back to where you started.” (35:04)
  • “I felt like I was home. ... I could truly be myself.” (36:58)
  • “Vulnerability is strength... but for men, that exposure can be scary.” (39:55)
  • “I love it because I get to know you better.” (42:07)

• Bea Voce:

  • “Conflict without repair is just pain over and over... conflict with repair is healing.” (45:44)
  • “You're not getting in a relationship with a human being. You're getting in a relationship with their nervous system.” (48:13)

• Mel Robbins:

  • “All of that gets magnified by ... the shit you’re fighting about on the surface.” (59:58)
  • “Always remind yourself that he is a kind and loving person who just wants to be loved.” (60:26)
  • “At the heart of all your interpersonal issues ... is your own inability to handle uncomfortable feelings.” (61:53)

Memorable Moments

• Esther Perel diffusing post-pandemic trauma with humor:

  • “I asked the workers to dig a hole in the garden ... so when I die, you can just roll me right in.” (14:32)

• Jillian Turecki’s vulnerable story about tolerating avoidant behavior and how she’d end it now with better self-regard (31:13).

• Matthew Hussey’s two key vulnerability moments: one punished, one accepted—and how that changed his approach to love (39:05, 42:07).

• Bea Voce’s analogy of “putting the kid in the back seat” to describe handling emotional reactivity (49:49).

• Mel Robbins' breakdown of how boxes by the door triggered her husband’s core childhood wound (57:58).

Conclusion and Takeaways

• Personal responsibility and self-reflection are essential for attracting and sustaining healthy love.
• Relationships are dynamic ecosystems, not static matches of personalities.
• Humor, play, and curiosity are powerful antidotes to stagnation and adversity.
• Emotional self-awareness and regulation transform both the experience and outcome of relationships.
• Healing old wounds together is possible, but requires mutual courage and compassion.

Final Words (Lewis Howes, 63:47):
“You are loved, you are worthy, you matter. It's a beautiful journey and I can't wait to see you in the next episode.”

[End of Summary]