The School of Greatness Podcast

Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Vanessa Van Edwards
Episode: Stop Faking Confidence: Master These Cues Instead
Date: December 29, 2025

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode, Lewis Howes sits down with Vanessa Van Edwards—author, behavioral investigator, and founder of Science of People—to unravel the true art of charisma. They bust the myth of "faking" confidence and instead explore the real, science-backed cues that foster authentic connection, trust, and long-lasting influence, both personally and professionally.

Through memorable examples, stories, and actionable advice, Vanessa explains why nonverbal and verbal signals (“cues”) matter more than superficial attempts at confidence. If you want to be genuinely charismatic—in business, relationships, or everyday interactions—this episode is packed with practical, research-based techniques to elevate your communication and presence.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Science Behind Charisma and Confidence

• The Power of Authentic Smiles
  A real smile isn’t about showing teeth; it’s about reaching the eyes.

  • "The biggest difference is it [the smile] has to reach up here. The eyes, the upper cheek muscles actually." (Vanessa, 02:52)
  • Real smiles are contagious; fake ones aren’t. (03:23-03:47)

• Contagious Cues and Emotional States

  • How our nonverbal cues directly affect others’ feelings and even their physiology.
  • When we receive a social rejection cue (eye roll, turning away, sigh), our body reacts by releasing adrenaline and cortisol, impairing confidence and performance. (04:27-06:49)

• The Power of Labeling Cues

  • Noticing and explicitly naming rejection cues calms your amygdala, reducing fear and anxiety in the moment. (06:46-07:33)
  • “The moment you say...‘that was an eye roll,’...your amygdala calms down.” (Vanessa, 06:46)

Cues that Build Trust and Reliability

• First Impressions: Warmth and Competence Blend

  • Highly charismatic people balance “warmth” (trustworthiness, likability) and “competence” (ability, reliability). (13:01-15:07)
  • People ask two unconscious questions on first impression—Can I trust you? Can I rely on you? (15:26-16:51)

• Space Zones and Video Calls

  • Understand physical proximity rules:
    • Intimate: 0-18”, Social: 1.5-4ft, Personal: 4-7ft, Public: 12ft+.
    • Being too close on camera (or in photos) can make people uncomfortable. (21:28-23:04)
  • “When you’re projecting a video or a photo that close, it’s literally saying, ‘I want to get close really, really fast.’” (Vanessa, 22:11)

• Visibility of Hands

  • Research shows we trust people more if we can see their hands; hands-in-pockets or hidden is a subtle distrust signal. (24:10-26:22)
  • Successful Shark Tank pitchers greeted with hand gestures; those who hid hands were less trusted. (25:07-26:22)

Gestures and Vocal Power

• Gestures Amplify Communication

  • Gestures act as a “body language highlighter,” making speakers appear more fluent and confident. (27:13-29:30)
  • “Gestures carry more weight than words.” (Vanessa, 26:23)
  • People process and remember more when gestures accompany speech.

• Avoiding the “Jazz Hands” Trap

  • Use gestures intentionally, not excessively; highlight key ideas, not everything. (30:09-30:15)

• Dopamine & The Power of Surprise

  • Creating anticipation or surprise in pitches (e.g., “I have something special today”) sparks dopamine in listeners, increasing motivation and engagement. (31:37-34:41)

• Priming Words in Communication

  • Using achievement-oriented words (“win,” “master,” “succeed”) primes people to better performance and motivation—even in quick emails. (33:04-36:22)
  • Audit your emails for warmth and competence—balance is critical. Emojis and exclamation points load towards warmth; competence needs words like “efficient,” “productive,” etc. (37:30-41:00)

Specific, Actionable Cues (with Examples)

• Spotting Nuanced Social Signals

  • “Lid flex” (narrowing the eyes, “smizing”): Sign of interest, scrutiny; opportunity to address concerns in real time. (08:08-10:49)
  • Open palms: Universal sign of openness and willingness to engage. (10:51-11:17)

• Greeting Rituals and Succeeding in High-Stakes Interactions

  • Strong first impression: Walking into a space with a greeting and visible hands, then offering a surprise or interactive moment increases trust and engagement. (25:07-33:04)

• Advanced: Nonverbal Bridges

  • Safe ways to gently cross into someone’s personal space (handing a product, a high five, touching an elbow with consent) to build rapport. (49:25-50:25)

Vocal Power & The Risks of Faking

• Inflection and Authority

  • Avoid “question inflection” (ending statements like questions); it undermines authority and signals doubt/lying. (51:21-54:15)
  • “We know that liars are more likely to use the question reflection.” (Vanessa, 54:15)

• Case Study: Jamie Siminoff’s Shark Tank Failure

  • Lack of warmth and competence cues (voice, body language) lost him the deal, despite a billion-dollar idea. (52:50-56:46)
  • Over-rehearsal can make you sound robotic, reducing trust and rapport.

Detecting Manipulation and Avoiding Toxic People

• Danger Zone Cues of Manipulators/Narcissists

  • Lip purse, increased blink rate, sudden distancing often “leak” from those hiding true feelings or lying, even if other signals are well-controlled. (59:58-66:34)
    • “There are cues that manipulative people cannot control, and if you have bad intentions, they will leak.” (Vanessa, 59:24)

• Faking Warmth and Its Dangers

  • Prolonged inauthenticity (being “nice” when you don’t feel it) erodes your integrity and emotional well-being. Instead, maintain professionalism by doubling down on competence with those you don’t like. (72:28-74:14)

Notable and Memorable Moments

On the impact of small cues:
“Our cues are affecting others’ physiology.” (Vanessa, 05:10)

On the value of charisma:
“Not only do I think that charisma is essential for being successful, I actually think it’s the only way that people will be open to your competence.” (Vanessa, 14:35)

Email tip:
“Count the number of warm words and competent words. Highly charismatic people prime others with warmth and competence.” (Vanessa, 37:30)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:52] Real smile vs. fake smile
• [04:27] Social rejection cues and their effect
• [06:46] Power of labeling emotional cues
• [13:01] Warmth + Competence = Charisma
• [21:28] Space zones in communication
• [24:10] Importance of visible hands
• [26:23] Gestures vs. words
• [32:02] Surprise/dopamine in pitches
• [33:24] Achievement-word priming
• [37:30] Composing charismatic emails
• [41:54] Building rapport via mutual connections
• [51:21] Inflection and authority
• [52:50] Shark Tank Jamie Siminoff case
• [59:58] Nonverbal “danger zone” cues
• [66:34] Why manipulators eventually get caught
• [72:28] How to act with people you dislike
• [75:49] Head nod cues between men
• [78:31] Body language of leaders: The Nixon-Kennedy debate
• [82:23] Ear-shoulder distance = confidence
• [85:36] Vocal fry and how to avoid it
• [93:04] Palm up/down cues (The Last Supper)
• [100:39] Power pauses in speech
• [105:11] Vanessa’s three truths
• [105:56] Most powerful word to infect positivity: gratitude

Notable Quotes

• Vanessa Van Edwards:

  • “The way I’ve sort of backdoored into confidence is control...If I can control the cues I’m sending to others, it’s a secret backdoor into confidence.” (06:49)
  • “To be highly charismatic...you must have the perfect blend of warmth and competence.” (14:00)
  • “Charisma is a superpower. It is a superpower used correctly.” (102:57)
  • “Our words are gifts. In your most important emails, count how many warm words and competent words you are using.” (38:13)
  • “[Lip pursing] is a universal withholding gesture... when we’re literally trying to hold something in or hold something back.” (62:05)
  • “Your words have power, your cues have power. Don’t waste them.” (105:47)
  • “I think gratitude. Every time you say ‘thank you, I’m appreciative, I’m grateful,’ you’re gifting them honor, and you’re feeling grateful yourself.” (106:10)

• Lewis Howes:

  • “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” (43:53)
  • “Charisma is a superpower when used correctly. If you use it incorrectly, you’ll be humbled at some point in your life.” (102:57)

Conclusion and Takeaways

• True confidence is about control over cues, not about faking behaviors.
• Warmth and competence must be balanced to unlock others’ trust, openness, and buy-in.
• Simple shifts in nonverbal and verbal cues—how you smile, gesture, greet, use space, and write emails—pay exponential dividends in influence.
• Manipulation is possible, but subtle “danger zone” cues usually betray ill intentions eventually.
• Charisma isn’t just for extroverts; anyone can master it in their own authentic flavor.
• Gratitude—expressed sincerely and often—is perhaps the most powerful cue of all.

Explore More

• Get Vanessa's book: Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication
• Visit: scienceofpeople.com
• Follow Vanessa: @vvanedwards (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook)
• Watch practical cue breakdowns: Science of People YouTube Channel

“Greatness is showing up as you are, how you feel, and feeling free to be that way... when your cues match your words which match your emotions.”
— Vanessa Van Edwards (109:09)