Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness

Episode: "Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Relationship" with Jim Curtis

Date: December 15, 2025
Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Jim Curtis – Author, Hypnotist, Transformational Coach, Wellness Pioneer

Episode Overview

This episode delves deep into why so many of us attract the wrong relationships and how our core beliefs and early life programming play a crucial role in shaping our romantic and personal lives. Lewis Howes and returning guest Jim Curtis explore energetic posture, subconscious programming, the power of self-identity, self-love, and actionable paths to healing and attracting healthier, more harmonious relationships. The conversation is open, vulnerable, and filled with practical insights for anyone seeking connection, emotional peace, and lasting change.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why We Feel "Not Enough"

[02:06] – [04:16]

• Many people carry an underlying belief of being "not enough," stemming from early childhood programming.
• Jim shares personal stories of growing up with abuse, developing guilt and insecurity, and believing he "deserved" his pain.
• This "problem program" runs subconsciously, affecting actions, relationships, and self-worth.

"We are programmed by the instances that happen in our life. In my case, I had a father that was abusive... And so I felt guilty... I thought it was my fault so that I was bad." — Jim Curtis [02:06]

2. Energetic Posture & The Power of 'I Am'

[03:53] – [16:59]

• Our emotional and energetic state acts as a signal to the universe—whether we operate from fear and lack, or gratitude and abundance.
• The subconscious mind is “waiting for directions” from what we tell it—especially through "I am" statements.

"Our identity is our reality. So the I am, I am smart, I am successful, I am grateful is much different than I am stuck. I'm not good at this." — Jim Curtis [02:28]

"Your subconscious mind is the servant... It represents 5% of everything we do. 95% is in the subconscious mind... It's waiting. So we need to consciously know that our subconscious mind is our servant and to tell it what to do." — Jim Curtis [16:16]

3. Core States That Lower Our Vibration

[05:22] – [06:44]

• Jealousy, fear, comparison, and victimhood trap us in lower energetic frequencies, making us more likely to repeat old patterns and attract the wrong partners.
• Social media magnifies comparison and feelings of inadequacy.

"One is jealousy in comparison... The other is fear. We're literally in fear of everything... And the third one... is this idea of victimhood, that we have no power, that the world is happening to us." — Jim Curtis [05:37]

4. Breaking the Cycle: How To Reprogram Yourself

[12:12] – [14:18]

• The path to change starts with awareness that your beliefs are simply programs, not your true self.
• Taking small action steps, serving others, and “reparenting” your inner child are ways to start shifting your self-worth and energy.
• Practices like hypnosis, self-talk, and service shift your internal and external reality.

"When in doubt, focus out. Just start to do charitable work for other folks and you'll start to really feel a sense of worthiness and contribution and gratitude." — Jim Curtis [13:33]

5. Self-Talk, Words, and the Physical Body

[19:20] – [21:44]

• Words spoken to/about ourselves—even thoughts—literally shape our bodies and realities.
• Jim and Lewis share personal practices of shifting self-talk from criticism and victimhood to compassion, encouragement, and love for their physical, emotional, and spiritual selves.

"Our body is listening to every word that we say. Every word that we say is creating our reality because it creates our identity. We believe it." — Jim Curtis [19:25]

6. The Power of the Ho’oponopono Prayer

[25:12] – [29:27]

• The simple Hawaiian mantra—“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”—is introduced as a transformative practice for emotional healing and self-forgiveness.
• Lewis shares a powerful personal story about how this practice alleviated his chronic pain in minutes.

"The first time I said this in repetition, I started to weep... there was such a release." — Jim Curtis [25:23]

"I had been experiencing probably a 7 out of 10 pain... within 30 minutes, the pain vanished. 0. And I was like, how is this even possible?" — Lewis Howes [27:31]

7. Healing Relationships with Parents and Self

[31:42] – [34:09]

• A core reason people attract the wrong relationships: repeating the traumas and relationship dynamics of their parents.
• Healing—and “burying”—old parental identities, forgiving, and ceasing to seek parental approval opens the door to new relational possibilities.

"When I finally buried this old identity of my parents, I really was able to expand and grow." — Jim Curtis [33:05]

8. Why We Attract the Wrong Relationships

[34:09] – [36:01]

• People often unconsciously recreate parental patterns or act out unresolved trauma in romantic partnership.
• The universe brings us certain relationships to “mirror” and force us to heal those wounds.
• Once self-worth is raised and trauma addressed, healthier people and relationships appear.

"We attract people based on the trauma we need to heal. And we mirror, we are mirrors everyone in our life as a mirror for ourselves." — Jim Curtis [34:56]

9. How Healthy Love Feels: Safety, Acceptance, Peace

[36:01] – [41:04]

• Both Lewis and Jim describe the feeling of safety—emotionally, physically, spiritually—as the defining quality of their healthy relationships.
• Safety attraction replaces “chemical” or trauma-based attraction.

"I'm not chemically attracted to this person. I'm more safety attracted to this person... I never experienced peace in a relationship until, you know, four or five years ago." — Lewis Howes [36:59; 40:24]

10. Courage to Leave the Wrong Relationship

[50:18] – [54:49]

• Jim recommends people fully feel the pain of staying stuck to motivate action.
• Imagine yourself in 1, 5, 10 years if nothing changes—does it feel worse? That often brings clarity and courage to either work on the relationship or leave.

"I want you to feel the pain a little bit more. So if you're feeling this now, imagine if you amplified it, and one year later it's even worse... Are you going to allow that to happen?" — Jim Curtis [50:25]

11. Addiction to the Illusion of Love

[54:49] – [56:00]

• Many people stay for the “hit” — the chemical bond of romantic infatuation, rather than true love and acceptance.
• “Love is the most addictive thing,” mainly when tied to unresolved wounds.

"Addiction is never about the drug. Right. Addiction is about the issues that drove you to the drug… Are you addicted to a person? Yes. Love is the most addictive thing." — Jim Curtis [54:49]

12. Nervous System Regulation and Daily Practices

[65:04] – [73:17]

• Healing and manifesting the lives we want demands nervous system regulation (i.e., being out of fight/flight and into peace).
• Simple daily practices—breathwork, meditation, hypnosis, grounding—shift our energetic state and unlock clarity, intuition, and abundance.

"Nervous system regulation is the key to it all. Because if your body is in fight or flight, or if you're reacting to everything that happens, then you're living in a fear state." — Jim Curtis [65:44]

• Jim gives a live, quick guided grounding exercise:
  • Relax jaw, unclench mouth, breathe, visualize a joyful color, and notice internal calm.

“Now in 20 seconds we can emotionally regulate ground and come back to this nervous system regulation that allows us to say, okay, this world is not so frenetic. I have a little bit more control.” — Jim Curtis [71:19]

13. Manifestation: “I Am That I Am”

[77:41] – [80:53]

• Manifestation is not about external “getting”, but realizing we are already inseparable from what we seek.
• Surrender neediness, dissolve feelings of separation, and daily declare: “I am it.”
• True alignment and realization—the goal is not outside us, but is us.

"I am that I am. So what do you want? Say it. Specifically, announce it, proclaim it. And now go in and start to say, to the identity of you, I am it. I feel it. I am it. Not separate from it, but I am it." — Jim Curtis [77:41]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Early Programming:
  "We are programmed by the instances that happen in our life... we have to unravel that program." — Jim Curtis [02:06]
• On 'I am' as Identity:
  "Our identity is our reality. So the I am... is much different than I am stuck." — Jim Curtis [02:28]
• On Healing the Inner Child:
  "Reconnect with my child self... You're good enough, you're lovely, you're beautiful... Realizing and allowing my child self to know this illusion that you've done things wrong is not true." — Jim Curtis [31:44]
• On True Love in Relationships:
  "When I started to heal that wound, I felt, no, I don't need to create these chemical attractions. I want to create safety, attraction..." — Lewis Howes [36:59]
• On Letting Go of Judgment:
  "When we let go of the judgment... When we accept ourselves, I believe we're starting to a mirror and attract someone else who can accept us as well." — Lewis Howes [44:10]
• On Nervous System Regulation:
  "You open the road up... and you open the road up for the potential that is most powerful." — Jim Curtis [66:34]
• On Surrendering Neediness:
  "The way that you become truly magnetic is by giving up this neediness." — Jim Curtis [79:37]
• On Self-Kindness:
  "You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You don't have to be afraid... As soon as you allow and surrender to that, your life is gonna get so much easier." — Jim Curtis [83:01]

Important Timestamps

• [02:06] Jim on early programming & belief of not being enough
• [03:53] Energetic posture—how our energy signals to the universe
• [05:22] Lower-frequency states: jealousy, fear, victimhood
• [12:12] How to break out of fear & unworthiness
• [19:20] The effects of self-talk on the body & reality
• [25:23] Introduction to the Ho’oponopono prayer
• [27:31] Lewis’s healing story with self-forgiveness
• [31:44] Healing parental relationships & inner child
• [34:09] Why we attract the wrong relationships: mirroring trauma
• [36:59] Lewis on the breakthrough of safety-based love
• [50:25] Courage to leave the wrong relationship—amplifying pain for clarity
• [65:44] Importance of nervous system regulation
• [71:19] Jim’s grounding exercise demonstration
• [77:41] Manifestation through “I am that I am”
• [83:01] Final message: let go, surrender, be kind to yourself

Guest’s Current Work and Where to Find More

• Jim Curtis Coaching: jimcurtiscoaching.com/awaken
• Instagram: @jimcurtis1
• Upcoming book and community platform “Awaken and Align” launching soon

Final Three Truths (Jim’s Closing Lessons)

[86:47]

1. There’s never too much kindness.
2. Stop beating yourself up for the times you weren’t kind.
3. You are lovable.

Definition of Greatness

"Someone that can live in their authenticity and can help other people find theirs." — Jim Curtis [87:10]

For Listeners New and Old

This episode is a powerful, practical guide to understanding why we repeat painful relational cycles and how we can shift—to acceptance, healing, and the right relationships—starting with the words we speak to ourselves and the beliefs we hold beneath the surface.