Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness

Episode: Why You're Afraid to Share (And What It's Costing You) with Leslie John
Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Leslie John, Harvard Business School Professor and Author
Date: February 23, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the fundamental role of sharing—especially emotional sharing—in relationships of all kinds. Lewis Howes interviews Leslie John, author and Harvard Business School professor, about the risks and costs of "undersharing," and why many people are afraid to reveal their authentic feelings. Drawing from her research, personal experiences, and expertise in communication, Leslie argues that most people worry excessively about oversharing (TMI), when in fact, sharing too little is a more pervasive problem. Together, they examine how vulnerability can enrich relationships, how to break out of the habit of emotional suppression, and offer actionable advice for healthier, more connected lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Danger of Mind Reading Expectations

• Main Point: Relationships suffer not from dramatic breaches, but from a gradual drifting apart—which is often due to partners making inaccurate assumptions about each other's thoughts and feelings.
• Notable Study: Couples married an average of 12 years were brought into a lab; when asked to predict their spouse’s emotions, they were wrong 80% of the time. ([02:16], [06:24])
• Mind Reading Expectations: Many believe their partners should "just know" what they’re feeling, leading to disappointment and resentment when those needs go unspoken and unmet. ([02:48], [06:56])
• Personal Accountability: Self-awareness is the key to overcoming mind reading expectations. Once you realize you possess them and assess yourself, active communication becomes much easier. ([07:00])

Quote:
"What I learned about in relationships...it's not usually some dramatic affair...they more often break down because of a slow distancing...because if you think you know your partner better than you actually do, then you assume you know, you stop asking, you assume they know you, you stop sharing. And that's of course where the problem begins."
— Leslie John [04:00]

Undersharing vs. Oversharing: Why TMI Is Overrated

• Main Point: People worry too much about sharing Too Much Information (TMI), when "Too Little Information" (TLI) is the root of most relational disconnects. ([04:00])
• Emotional Illiteracy: Many people lack vocabulary and awareness around their emotions, stemming from childhood norms of minimizing or ignoring feelings. This impedes effective communication and connection. ([09:36])
• EQ Over IQ: Leslie and Lewis both highlight emotional intelligence (EQ) as more critical than cognitive intelligence (IQ) for relationship success, a conclusion reached through research and personal experience. ([11:16], [18:22], [19:28])

Quote:
"EQ is where it's at. IQ is great, but if I could choose one or the other, hands down, I would choose EQ. And I wouldn’t have said that 10 years ago."
— Leslie John [11:17]

The Impact of Not Sharing Your Truth

• Self-Respect and Wellbeing: Consistently holding back emotions corrodes self-esteem and perpetuates disconnection—not just in romantic relationships, but with family and friends as well. ([46:04])
• Personal Example: Leslie recounts the story of not confronting her mother for over a decade about omitted truths, only to eventually have a cathartic conversation that deepened their bond. ([41:09]-[45:46])

Quote:
"The stuffing of the emotion, it doesn't honor yourself. It’s in disservice to yourself...But on the other end, like I had that...most awkward conversation with my mom, and we are closer than ever."
— Leslie John [46:15]

Reciprocity and Liking: How Sharing Builds Trust

• The Dance of Sharing: Healthy relationships evolve through reciprocal disclosure—one person shares, the other responds in kind, fostering trust and intimacy. ([14:54], [83:41])
• Notable Insight: Disclosing hopes, dreams, and preferences activates pleasure centers in the brain, making sharing itself enjoyable and relationship-building. ([14:54])

Quote:
"When you ask people questions, they get to disclose to you...revealing your hopes and dreams, your preferences, it actually activates the pleasure centers of the brain."
— Leslie John [14:54]

Setting Boundaries and Agreements

• Learning to Say No: Lewis discusses how he evolved from being a people-pleaser and over-giver to creating healthy boundaries for himself. ([14:35])
• Relationship Agreements: Lewis shares the unique agreement he made with his now-wife to foster appreciation and minimize resentment: any grievance must be preceded by an expression of appreciation. ([53:40])

The Jar Exercise: The Invisible Weight of "Unsaid" Things

• Demonstration: Leslie walks through a typical day, physically separating "said" versus "unsaid" thoughts and feelings, illustrating how much more we leave unspoken. Most of these unshared thoughts are emotional in nature. ([59:21]-[65:38])

The Risks of Oversharing

• Context Matters: While under sharing is common, context is crucial—oversharing at the wrong time (e.g., with a boss before a big presentation) or in the wrong dynamic can backfire or undermine trust. ([67:11]-[68:19])
• Disclosure Flexibility: The healthiest communicators are able to flex between openness and guardedness, depending on the situation. ([68:19])

Gender, Socialization, and Emotional Masking

• Boys and Emotional Expression: By second grade, boys have already learned to suppress emotional expression, associated with stoicism and masculinity—an observation backed by research. ([71:49])
• Breaking the Cycle: Lewis shares his journey of unlearning emotional suppression and the transformative power of vulnerability—especially for men. ([73:12])

The Power of Revealing—and the Price of Regret

• Regret Studies: Most life regrets center on things left unsaid or undone; sharing feelings is high among them. ([79:18])
• Lead by Example: To encourage a reserved partner to open up, lead by proactively sharing your feelings—a powerful invitation for reciprocal vulnerability. ([83:41])

Quote:
"76% of regrets on average are things you didn't do...Number three: I wish I had shared my feelings more."
— Leslie John [79:18]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Marriage, Self-Knowledge, and Emotional Growth

• "I did not have the emotional understanding of myself that I do now...I'm a recovering emotional illiterate." — Leslie John [09:36]
• "I learned something that really, really helped me...If I believe what I'm writing, I gotta do this." — Leslie John, recounting her decision to confront her mother [43:05]

On Feedback and Workplace Communication

• "Is it important to give difficult feedback to people in your life? Yes, 100%. It's a gift." — Leslie John [48:08]
• "The sandwich [feedback method] works...it's starting with the positive." — Leslie John [49:54]

Actionable Tips

• Don’t assume your partner (or boss, or friend) knows what you’re feeling—name it.
• Practice the "dance of reciprocity" in sharing, especially with more reserved people.
• Treat silence as a choice; recognize each moment you stay silent, you’re actively shaping your relationships.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Mind Reading in Relationships: [02:16], [06:24], [27:34]
• EQ vs. IQ: [11:16], [18:22], [19:28], [27:46]
• Leslie's Divorce & Emotional Evolution: [09:16], [33:20], [34:24]
• Setting Boundaries/Relationship Agreements: [14:35], [53:40]
• Unsaid vs. Said Exercise: [59:21]-[65:38]
• Oversharing, Context & Flexibility: [65:38]-[68:19]
• Regret & Sharing Feelings: [79:18]

Three Truths (Lightning Round) ([84:45])

1. Fear of TMI is Overblown: The bigger problem is actually TLI—Too Little Information.
2. Silence Is a Choice: Recognizing that not sharing is an active decision empowers us.
3. Skill of Revealing: Revealing wisely is a practice; stretch yourself to grow this skill and forgive mistakes along the way.
   (Paraphrased; see [85:23])

Definition of Greatness ([87:53])

"Feeling so comfortable in your own skin and knowing yourself so much that you can get the things in life that you care about and that your loved ones care about." — Leslie John

Final Takeaways

• Undersharing is a silent epidemic: Most relational pain comes from what’s left unsaid, not from saying too much.
• Communicate your needs—don’t expect mind-reading: Even in long-term relationships, people are remarkably bad at guessing what their partners feel.
• Vulnerability is reciprocal and rewarding: Leading with openness fosters trust, connection, and even pleasure in relationships.
• Context is king: Wise revealing requires reading the room, assessing timing, and aiming for reciprocal exchanges.

For more, check out Leslie John's book, "Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing," or visit ProfLeslieJohn.com.

This summary captures the critical themes, actionable wisdom, and memorable stories of the episode—designed for listeners (and potential readers) who want practical, research-backed guidance on authentic connection.