← The Shit No One Tells You About Writing
The Shit No One Tells You About Writing
Pitch Perfect
00:35:21
Books with Hooks, Bianca, Carly and Cece
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Transcript32 lines
- [00:01]
A
What's up, everyone? This is Cece. If you're a writer, then chances are you've wondered if your story is good enough. Maybe you're wondering that right now. I get it. Here's what I can tell you. As long as your story is making the reader curious, you're good. Now, I'm not saying you won't have to make edits. When working with an agent or publisher, edits are part of the game. But I am saying that you will get ahead in your career if you know how to make the reader curious. The best way to do that, Infuse your story with plenty of tension, conflict and stakes. Which is why I'm so excited to invite you to join my four day course, writing Tension. Creating Tension, Conflict and Stakes in youn Story. It starts on October 13th. My favorite part about this class is that there are formulas. Yes, formulas for tension, for conflict, for stakes. And for the first time ever, we're having two optional interactive components, including a query letter, studio and live critiques of select first pages. I'm super excited about this new format because I've seen it yield results in writers works and it works for writers of any genre as long as you're serious about improving your work. So if you're ready to take your writing to the next level, join me for this four day course. Don't worry if you can't attend live. The sessions will be recorded. For more information, check out my bio on Instagram or the podcast's website. I'm looking forward to seeing you there.
- [01:40]
B
Hi there and welcome to our show, the Shit no one Tells you About Writing. I'm best selling author Bianca Murray and I'm joined by Cece Lehrer of Wendy Sherman Associates and Carly Waters of P.S. literary.
- [01:55]
C
Happy Books with Hooks Day, everybody. You have CeCe and Carly here. Another episode of Just CeCe and Carly. So there will be Shannon, there will be tech issues. We love our wonderful Alicia and Rosanna who edit our show. Who can fix these things for us. I'm preemptively warning those guys because Bianca's not here. As I said, we're having tech issues. As cece said that the tech ghosts always find us somehow. What I am really excited about is our query letters today. We got a lot of juicy things to talk about. I don't want to give the whole show away, but I think you guys are really gonna, really gonna like today's episode because we have some really high quality material here. So I will let Cici kick us off and she can read us our first query letter.
- [02:34]
D
Let's do this. Dear Carly, Cece and Bianca, when you kill your husband, you expect him to stay dead. Unfortunately, murder doesn't always go according to plan. I'm excited to share my domestic thriller, Honey, I'm home. Complete at 78,000 words, it will appeal to fans of the read in one sitting, pacing in Robert Harding's the Drowning Woman and the complex family secrets in Sophie Stava's Count My Lies. Cece, as you are interested in high concept thrillers and morally ambiguous protagonists, I'm directing my query to you. Pree's husband has been missing for the last eight years, since the night she dumped his body and told authorities he never returned home from a hunting trip. It was the only way to escape him after uncovering his involvement in the disappearance of multiple women. But she can never let anyone discover what she did if she wants to maintain her picture perfect life as one of Denver's most successful real estate agents. Then Marcus shows up at her front door, very much alive. He claims to have no memories since the day he disappeared and expects to come home as if nothing has changed. Their children are thrilled, the police are suspicious, and everyone in the neighborhood is watching. So, reluctantly, Pre agrees he can stay at the house. When sinister incidents begin, starting with a dead bird on her deck and quickly escalating to her son being hospitalized, Pre fears for the safety of her family. She suspects Marcus has a plan for revenge and becomes determined to find more proof she needs to expose his dark crimes. As she races to say One Step ahead, it seems Marcus is always watching, and a wrong move could endanger everyone she loves. But like her husband, some secrets refuse to stay buried. I'm a marketing and communications manager in Calgary, Alberta, with a bachelor's degree in psychology and education. When I'm not writing, you'll likely find me chasing a toddler, wrangling one of my many pets, or competing way too intensely during board game night. This will be my debut novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Warm regards, Jen. The word count is 352 words. The author supplied this for us.
- [04:51]
C
Thank you, Jen, for supplying it for us. We appreciate that. All right, we're going to jump right into it. Cece, what did you think of this one?
- [04:57]
D
Okay, this is great. Can we talk about how great this is? Like, I'm obsessed. The title, Honey I'm Home. That is genius title. Given the twist, right when he appears, that's a perfect title. The word counts great. The comps make total sense. I was reading the first plot paragraph feeling really interested. But then when I got to the second plot paragraph and we know the inciting incident, which is him showing up, I'm like, this is fantastic. Can we please talk about how fantastic this is? There's a line that reads, she suspects Marcus has a plan for revenge and becomes determined to find the proof she needs to expose his darkness crimes. What I especially love about that is because I'm assuming she had proof because she killed him because of the dark crimes, but she probably got rid of the proof because she had to cover up her crime, getting rid of him. And so it's so ironic. That kind of irony in storytelling goes a long way and it really keeps readers hooked and it gives the protagonist agency because she put herself in this position, like, almost, you know, inadvertently. So it's just. It's so great for storytelling. I really wish you were here because I have questions. One of my questions is, why eight years? Like, why do we have to wait eight years? It just seems like a long period of time. And I just don't know why it couldn't be like nine months or six months or a year. Like, I just don't get that. And I'm not complaining. I just really, really wish you were here because I have so many questions, but I want to say something. The questions I have are not clarifying questions. These are not. I'm confused. I have questions for you. These are curiosity based questions. These are, I am hooked. I'm enthralled now. I must know all things questions. And that is the power of an amazing query letter. When you write an amazing query letter, the agent who's reading it, the agent goes, I need to know more. I want to know more. And it feels like a joy to read more. It's not a job, it's a delight. And you've done that because you've written a fantastic query letter. So kudos to you. I'm really curious to hear what you thought, Carly.
- [06:52]
C
So my notes were things like, ooh, interesting, juicy. Whoa, this is good. I'm hooked, like, seven exclamation marks. So I love when we have a query letter on our show where we can point everybody to it and say, follow this one. If you're writing in this genre or this category, this person did an incredible job. So well done, Jen. It's been a very long time since both Cece and I have been kind of speechless in terms of being able to give feedback. But I appreciate that for a couple of reasons, because, number one, it means that you guys are listening to us and you're kind of getting all this great advice and feedback and you're able to implement it. And just in general, query letters are getting better because there is so much Internet advice out there and agent advice out there for you guys to write really great query letters and hook agents like cece and myself and eventually editors. And, you know, we talked about this before on the show, and I talk about this in my course, the Author's Publishing Playbook, which. The query letter is the beginning of the whole process. It is the engine that starts us off on our journey. Because this, this engine of a great query letter then becomes part of an agent's pitch letter. The pitch letter becomes part of the marketing copy, which becomes part of the jacket cop, which becomes part of the sales copy, you know, and that again, you know, becomes the thing that pitches it to tv, film agents and foreign rights, you know, so it's such an engine. And when it's done well, it really is a way to kind of get this enthusiasm going at such an early stage. So I think this person did a great job. Well done, Jen. You've completely hooked me in CeCe. And we would both love to look at this material. All right, can you let us know what is in these opening pages? Cece?
- [08:21]
D
Okay, so we have the protagonist, who's the only woman on her street who doesn't wear a wedding ring, arriving home, and her neighbor, who's very like Stepford wifey, complains with her essentially that she took the trash out the night before, and so the trash was sitting there overnight. And she's like, you need to try better. Just because you don't have help doesn't mean that, you know, you shouldn't try. And we see our protagonist, you know, really just kind of biting her tongue and being pleasant. So she goes inside the house and she can hear her kids, her preteens upstairs, and she can see her dog. And she's hoping that no one will see her because she has work to do. So she's just. She's a real estate agent and she's just taking care of, like, paperwork. And then she starts making dinner, just noodles, nothing fancy. And then the doorbell rings and the protagonist thinks, oh, my God, it's the neighbor again complaining about something else. Right? But it's not the neighbor. It's her husband. Her husband who just casually says, forgot my house keys. She is terrified. We can see her not showing her fear, but definitely experiencing fear. And he asks, what's for dinner? Like, are you alright? And she just tries to keep it together. And not show fear. And. Yeah. And that is essentially what happens. He just acts totally casual.
- [09:37]
C
All right, what did you think of this? Was it starting in the right place? What notes do you have for her?
- [09:42]
D
You know, the thing about a great query letter is that it always makes me feel excitement. And then right after that, I feel terrified. I'm terrified that the pages are not going to be good. I'm terrified that the query letter is just fantastic, and then the pages are going to be just. Okay, that was not the case here. The pages were really great. I will share notes, and I'll start with small notes, and then I'll culminate in my big picture note. So as I'm reading this, and she's arriving home and the neighbor is walking towards her, I think it's important to have her have a theory about what the neighbor is going to talk about. Small theory, small thing. And then whatever the theory is, it can't be right. The neighbor has to then mention the trash cans, that sort of thing. It really gives the reader a hint of interiority. It gives the reader access to the protagonist processing information. And that small surprise, the tiny surprise of, oh, it wasn't that thing, it was the trash. That kind of thing unconsciously really hooks the reader. So I would change that. The writing was so strong that I had, like, minor little line notes for you. Nothing big. But when something's this good, you actually do get to start with line notes. Line notes isn't something you can offer when there's so many big picture notes to offer. When the protagonist talks about how she's never been invited to their, like, morning workout, the morning workout that all the other women in the neighborhood do. There isn't enough on whether she wants to belong. And a protagonist's place in the world is really important, and that needs to be established early on. We need to know her power dynamics, and we do know her power dynamics in terms of, like, being the odd duck in the neighborhood. But does she want to belong? That matters. That desire matters. And I think you should weave it in with just a few words. I also think that when she thinks about Amanda, Amanda's a neighbor, and she's thinking to herself, you know, Amanda sees the world in black and white. I think there is room to go a little deeper and mention if maybe she envies this, you know, what it must be like to. To live life with that kind of safety. Or maybe she doesn't. Maybe she's weirdly grateful for the fact that she knows better because it means she gets to protect herself. And as much as Amanda has this golden life, Amanda's vulnerable, and she's not, because she's a fighter. I don't know. I don't know what her interiority is like because I don't know who she is. But I just wanted a little bit more, and I do mean a little bit more. When she arrives home and we see her take care of paperwork, does she have financial anxiety? Because if she does, that's an amazing place to insert a couple words on that. It makes readers connect more with the protagonist. And I think it would make sense for her to have financial anxiety because she's supporting the household by herself. Right. I also want to say that when she sees her husband, something I talk about a lot in the podcast is emotional calibration. And the scene where the husband arrives. Like, he rings the doorbell, she opens the door, and she sees him, and she's shocked. Calibration is perfect. She feels before she thinks. And that is how it needs to be when you are experiencing visceral emotion. You feel before you think. All human beings do. And so the protagonist feels that deep, deep sense of fear. And it's written in a very, like, staccato, sparse way that really hooks the reader. And then she thinks. Then we get access to her thoughts. A beginner writer would have inverted that. They would have had thoughts. First, a description of the husband, what he's wearing, I don't know. And then the fear. And that order really matters. So great job there. I do think that part of her should wonder if she's hallucinating. Like that, to me, is just believable, given that it's been eight years and there's no thoughts on that. So I would add a small line on that. It might also make sense to have him say something really small that doesn't make any sense and have her be confused. Something that. So, for example, maybe he could say, did you ever hear from Don? And she's like, what? What is he talking about? And then later in the story, she'll go, wait. Dawn is my friend who I was expecting a call from eight years ago on the night he disappeared. And that would add to the mystery of, is he that good of a liar where he remembers details so small, or did he really forget? And so I think that a line like that would go a long way towards building towards the mystery. I also think that familiar feelings of powerlessness should come back to her when she sees him. She's clearly physically afraid of him, and he's in the kitchen with boiling water and knives. And so I think it makes sense to have her track her surroundings to be like, the knife is over there, the boiling water is over over there. Like, she needs to be planning ahead. That's just the kind of person that I think she is. Plus, I think it's realistic, especially if he's violent. So now my big picture note. My big picture note is, this is fantastic. I love it so much. I am not sure if it's starting in the right place, though. Only because I don't know if we don't need something else before the husband shows up, something else to solidify our connection with her without him. And I've thought of various options. I've thought of a prologue on the night he disappears. I've thought of just having this be chapter two and chapter one be something else. I've thought of keeping this as chapter one. Just changing the interaction with the neighbor to something else. Something that would make us connect with her even more. I don't know. I am not saying it's starting in the wrong place. I'm saying I don't know. And this doesn't happen very often. Usually I have very clear opinions on it is or it's not. And I would love to, like, as an agent, I would love to talk to you about this. I would love to be like, let's discuss. You know, I don't want to know the reveal of any big twists or anything, but I do want to know everything up until the climax so I can help you shape the very best place to start. I think that you did a fantastic job. This is very, very strong. It's one of the strongest things I've ever seen on this podcast. And like, all the applause, all the applause to you. I actually have a prop that I bought a while ago, which is the wand. The wand that signifies you did amazing. So I don't know why. A wand, right? I got a Grinch hat for when I have Grinch.
- [15:31]
C
Glinda. It's a very like. It's Glinda. Yeah.
- [15:35]
D
Yes, it is Glinda. So now we have a wand. So you get the wand. People who do a good job get the wand. And I had this wand for a while now, guys, so just saying. It's amazing. I loved it. What did you think, Harley?
- [15:47]
C
I agree. I was really taken with this, you know, and I will say just kind of tracking back to the query letter for a second. So she said it will appeal to fans of the read in one sitting, pacing, and goes into the comps. So I think the fact that the husband shows up on, you know, by page five is very important to what this book wants to be. And if this book wants to be a read in one sitting book, I think it's fine. So the fact that cece was like, I don't know. I'm like, I'm pretty sure this is the way the author wanted it to be for a very good reason. And that way, we're just, like, off to the races. We get that Ruth Ware thing where it's like, you literally read this in one sitting. You buy it for vacation, you buy it for, like, a weekend away, or you start it before you go to bed and you're up all night. Like, the read in one sitting vibe is definitely there. So I'm very confident that this starts in the right place. So I just want to highlight what is good about it. It's very easy for us as agents to say, this is good. And you guys, you know, listening to this or watching us on YouTube aren't getting kind of some of the. The nitty gritty details. If you are a substack subscriber who gets our notes on Tuesdays, then you will know because you can read it so you can see it for yourself. But I want to highlight a couple things. One of the things, a line that I really liked, this is in paragraph, and it's talking about the whole, like, getting out of the car situation. So she's talking about the neighbor that's walking towards her, and she says her sable waves flutter as she pops each step with purpose, arms swinging like a soldier in time, with every stride. Not only can we very much, like, visualize this suburban mom with her long, beachy hair just motoring over there. I just loved the Like a soldier. So subtle. But to me, it creates, like, suburbia as a battleground and this idea of, like, what we have to fight for. And I don't know, I. I thought this was very interesting, and I think that was really, really well done. Other things that I liked, I mean, I really just honestly liked it all. I thought there were some moments where when the husband shows up, where I think it's a little bit of overkill in terms of the describing our feelings. She says, my heart clenches, head spins, hair raises on my arms, anxiety claws at my throat. Even as every inch of me is alive with panic. I'm paralyzed with fear, incapable of acting. That just felt like a lot to me. I don't know. I think we can probably cut that in half. But again, we. We really, we really felt it here. The thing that really made my jaw drop was the line that the husband says. He goes and says, my husband looks as handsome as ever. He gives that crooked smile that used to make me weak in the knees. And I almost drop. It transports me back to our lives before. Forgot my house key. Is what he's what a line. That's like a mic drop line there. Forgot my house key. That's also very sinister because it's like, oh, does he remember something? He's coming back for something. Could be her, could be the key. We don't know. So I thought that was an absolutely incredible line. One of the things I really liked, everything Cece said about her kind of needing to survey her environment and figure out where the exits are and figure out, you know, where are the knives. Are they too close to him? One thing that really stood out to me was the thing about the children. So she says, I think of my children in their rooms and silently will them to stay there. I would, as a mom, I would be very worried. And again, I don't even know what happens in this book, but I'd be like, very worried about where my children were in this situation. The fact that they're up there. Like, do they remember their dad? What do they remember about their dad? What were they told about him? And if he was violent towards them. Again, we don't know any of this stuff. I don't know. I just thought there was a lot more there for her to be like, that's the thing that would make me sweat. I would, I'd be like, whatever happens to me, it's like, don't go upstairs. And this spring, watching everything outside bloom. I'm also watching my kids blossom in their French immersion program at school. It's amazing, but also a big motivator for me, especially because we're headed to France dance next month. I want to be able to join in more, you know, if you want to connect more with your kids language journey or maybe prep for your own adventure this season, Rosetta Stone helps build those skills. Rosetta Stone is the trusted leader in language learning for over 30 years, offering an immersive and effective approach that helps you absorb and retain new language naturally on desktop and mobile, wherever and whenever it fits your lifestyle. It is a trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages offered. 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I like luxe, detail oriented, minimal, individual and stylish pieces. And Wayfair's got me covered. I think about how the pieces in my home communicate with each other while being unique. And Wayfair is the best place to shop because your house is not going to look like everybody else's. It's going to reflect you. Wayfair has all your essentials for fall Warm linens, Halloween decor, storage indoors and out. Espresso machines, cozy reading chairs for homework time, ottomans to rest your feet after a long day and unwind at home. There's something for every style in every home, no matter your space or budget. Cozify your space with Wayfair's curated collection of easy, affordable fall updates. Weights from comfy recliners to cozy bedding and autumn decor. Find it all for way less@wayfair.com that's W-A-Y-F-A-I R.com Wayfarer. Every style, every home. Find those kids. Do you know what I'm trying to say? So, like, that's, that's when me as the mom would have started sweating, was when I was like, like, crap, the kids are home. I really wish the kids weren't here. Like, is there any way for me to get these kids out of the house? That's when I would start sweating because I'm like, I handled this before. Can handle him again. What I can't handle is for him to get upstairs. Like, that's the moment. As a parent, I think I would be. I'd be sweating. Yeah. And I had a similar note about we need to address how long he's been gone. I also think eight years is too long. And in these pages we need to address. Yeah. How long he's been there. But I love this. Like, as an agent, I would say totally would request this. Totally would read more. Definitely piqued my interest. You know, I'd be reading this tonight if it landed in my inbox.
- [23:08]
A
Same.
- [23:08]
D
So congratulations. Like, you did a great job. If you're listening, we hope you're listening. This is how you do it. This is how you do it, people. This is how you make agents curious. Okay, Carly, will you read us your query letter?
- [23:20]
C
Dear Carly, Cece and Bianca, I've learned so much from your show courses and beta reader matchup. Thanks for all you do. I'm seeking representation from my 80,000 word, multi POV upmarket novel the Golden Boy, which will appeal to fans of Rebecca Mackay's I some questions for you for its social commentary and Liam Moriarty's Big Little Lies for its multi timeline family drama centered around a crime. Dan Rockette is a good boy from the Midwest, beloved by all and the last person anyone would suspect of murder. Following in the footsteps of his difficult to please father, he becomes a plastic surgeon. But instead of taking over his father's humble Wisconsin practice, he joins a world renowned one in Boston. After relocating his family of six, he's shocked to discover that his new boss has a dark side and his dream job quickly becomes a nightmare. Dan's wife, Kaylee Raquette, is a momfluencer who faces mounting pressure when their youngest child, Krista, doesn't fit the mold of manufactured perfection her followers expect and their family's livelihood is on the line. Dan's post residency job promises to lighten her load until he begins an affair with his boss's wife, Lucia, desperate to escape the pressures at home and work. When Lucia dies during a procedure that Dan performs, he is charged with first degree murder. Has he been framed? Or is the golden boy really capable of such a crime? If he's innocent as he claimed, who is responsible? I'm a practicing plastic surgeon based in Washington, D.C. and bring an insider's perspective to the story. I am part of a social media group of over 85,000 women that I plan to tap into for support and promotion and I'm currently building my own personal presence as I launch my private practice. I'm also at work on several other novels centered around plastic surgeons. My dream is to create a sub genre akin to what John Grisham did for Law. Thank you for your time and consideration. Warm regards, Cassandra Desolousis Amazing.
- [25:03]
D
Thank you, Carly. So what was the word count and what did you think of that query letter?
- [25:07]
C
The word count came in at 343. Thank you Cassandra for writing that in. All right, so this is also a very like dramatic query letter. We're very into like the drama, thriller, suspense crime vibes today, which I totally appreciate. Okay, coming back to our comps, it's very interesting to me that below you say, you know, want to do what John Grisham did for Law. And then our comps are also like up market. So, you know, I can appreciate all of it. And I really appreciate, you know, you saying that you want to kind of build a brand for yourself and build a name for yourself. So I, I love that. I wouldn't use Big little Lies. I think it's too old and I think there's a lot of more recent comps that have family drama centered around a crime. So I don't think that you need to use this specific one. And I didn't really see where I have some questions for you was coming into the page here. And again, it could just be because we only have a query letter and some samples it was not giving me. I have some questions for you Vibe. So I definitely think the comps maybe need a complete overhaul, if not semi overhaul, just to make sure that we're really, really focusing in on what specifically is happening here. Because it seems like this is very much a whodunit because you end the query letter with, you know, is he capable of such a crime if he's innocent as he claims, who's responsible? And then it's an upmarket novel. So it's kind of. Is it an upmarket thriller and a market crime? I don't know. I think there's some, some thought that still maybe needs to go into this. But overall, you know, I. This is just semantics, right? I'm just looking at picky publishing things. Do I think this is an interesting book? Yes. I would say my favorite thing about this queer letter is the line that kicks off the body paragraph which is Dan Raquette is a good boy from the Midwest. I loved by all and the last person anyone suspect of murder. Typically I don't like a like everything's fine until it's not query letter, but I think this one works in this case because we kind of, we're starting to understand what's happening here with the plastic surgeon business in general. I find this a very synopsis y query. I think if you guys listen to these two queries back to back between Jens and Cassandra's here, you'll be able to see some of the differences, especially in the ways that they hook agents is a little bit different because the last paragraph, when Lucia dies during a procedure Dan performs, he's charged with first degree murder. Has he been framed? Or is the golden boy really capable of such a crime if he's innocent as he claims, who was responsible? Question mark. The question mark I don't think is working here either of the question marks because I don't know, I just don't think they're working. And then if you flip back to the other query letter that we, that we were reviewing today, it's just a bit more pointed. It says, as she races to stay one step ahead, it seems Marcus is always watching and a wrong move could endanger everyone she loves. But like her husband, some secrets refuse to stay buried. So it's a bit more jacket copy. Whereas this one's a bit like, I don't know what could have happened. I don't know. I just didn't like the, like let's just stumble into a mystery. And as the author and the creator of this world in this project, I just thought it was going to be a little bit more like pointed. And I think that's just one example of I think what makes these queer letters just different in terms of I think their, their functionality. But it seems like a very interesting project. So I think, as I said, you know, somebody I think will be interested in what you're talking about here. I think this seems very dramatic and very interesting, but it does seem a bit more synopsis y as opposed to more of like a Jacket copy style query letter. Now, the author paragraph. You mentioned that you're part of a social media group of over 85,000 women. So this is kind of only relevant if you are the founder of this or you are the manager of the group, or you are a very important person in this group. Just being in a social media group is not worth mentioning. So just wanted to let you know that. Yeah, those are most of my notes. I'll turn it over to cece.
- [28:52]
D
Yeah, that was a great analysis. Thank you. So I have mixed feelings about this note. When I read the line. After relocating his family of six, he's shocked to discover that his new boss has a dark side, and his dream job quickly becomes a nightmare. Initially, I was like, well, this feels like the inciting incident to me. So I think it needs shape. Like, what does having a dark side mean? That could mean so many things. Is he secretly killing people? Selling their organs? Like, I just. I just don't know. Know. And because it happens early in the story, I think that giving us more shape might be smart. However, as I kept reading and I did get to a very clear plot escalation, which is the fact that he does the surgery in. In his. His boss's wife, and then she dies. Then I was like, well, okay, maybe we don't need to know. I just don't know if we need to know or not. But I don't think there's any harm in giving us the shape of that. I just think that it'll give more curiosity. So I would err on the side of sharing, since it happened so early in the story. One question I had, which it kind of bugged me, not to the point where I wouldn't keep reading. I always, you know, scroll down and read sample pages. But it did bug me, is this woman died during surgery. Like, why does someone have to be responsible? Why can't it just be an accident? You know, because you framed it as, if it's not him, then who murdered her? And I'm like, well, why does it have to be murder? Like, maybe there's something in the story that, like, some technical, scientific thing that's like, it has to be murder. Who did it. But then I think that needs to be clear, or else it feels forced. It feels like an investigation happens without an investigation being merited, which is actually a huge plot issue that happens with a lot of thriller stories. You know, you have authors creating characters who go on journeys, and the journey isn't merited, the journey isn't earned. And so I'M not saying yours isn't. I'm just saying you haven't shown us why it has to be murder. Because in order for the story to work, there has to be a very clear murder. And because it's surgery that just feels like something that could happen, which. Which is terrible, of course, but a tragedy, not a crime, necessarily. Yeah. Overall, strong query letter. I'd be curious. I. I do want to echo what Carly said, and it. It sucks. I want to. I want to be honest about this. Like, it sucks that being a part of a group of 85, 000 people doesn't count towards platform. Because I see so many writers telling me, oh, I'm the member of this group, and this group has however many members, they hear that platform matters, and so they think that counts as platform. And I'm so sorry to confirm what Carly is saying. Like, it doesn't count. It's awesome for you in terms of building community, and we're really happy for you, but it doesn't really. It doesn't really convey what I expect you think it conveys. And it's better to be honest. Right? It's better to be like, hey, this doesn't count. That way. People are not adding this in query letters. They're not signaling that they don't know how platform works. So it'll be better for your career overall to know.
- [31:38]
C
Okay.
- [31:39]
D
Now, Carly, will you tell us what happened in those opening pages?
- [31:43]
C
Yes. So I will try. Sometimes I have a habit of when I start to summarize, I start to want to get into my notes. I will do my very best here. We start with chapter one. March 2024, Boston Police Station. In a character's head called Emily, a detective is grilling Emily on her friend and former co worker Dan Raquette, who we know is our protagonist. Something has obviously happened to Dan, and the detective is grilling Emily about his behavior, his mannerisms, trying to kind of figure out, is he a narcissist, is he capable of doing something very bad. Emily, also a surgeon, very tired, just came off a huge shift. All she can think about is getting back to bed, kind of showering off the hospital, and getting on with her sleep routine. As I said, they were colleagues, potentially romantically involved or something like that during their kind of med school residency days. They apparently keep in touch, and that's kind of everything we figure out from that. Then we get to chapter two, which says nine months before June 2023, Middleville, Tennessee. We are in Dan's point of view now. Dan is at an event where he has to do a speaking engagement at Southern University, which is the university where him and Emily went. And it says, like, 50th anniversary. So he's doing some sort of talk. He is with his wife. They're taking pictures. His wife Kayleigh, says they can't find Krista, which we know is one of their children. And there he's kind of focused on the optics of it all. And she's saying, like, you know, you need to stop this. We need to find our daughter. I don't know where she is. And that's where we end.
- [33:14]
D
Amazing. And what did you think of the execution?
- [33:17]
C
All right, so right away I thought, who is Emily? Because it's very strange to me that a POV character is not mentioned in the query letter. I had to go back and read the query letter and think, did I miss Emily's point of view? Who is Emily? I didn't know if I was reading the right book. Like, that's how much I was like, I don't know who Emily is. We find out by the second line that this Dan character is involved in this situation. I really liked the tension of her being post call, being exhausted after a really long shift, and then having to, like, deal with this. She's just, you know, she's over it. So I really thought that was good tension. We don't know if she's gonna slip up, if she's gonna faint. Like, how's she gonna act in this moment because she's so tired. So I. I really understand that. I couldn't quite figure out why they were interviewing her. Again, to my knowledge, this is a POV character that I know nothing about because of the query letter. Obviously, this happens a lot of times when people just pick up a book, right? They're. They're not always going to, you know, understand what's happening in the book. But, you know, why are they interviewing her? Are they colleagues now? Because they keep talking a lot about their history and at Southern University, but they don't actually talk about the present. So I was a little bit confused on that. But the writing is really, really strong in this Emily POV section. I totally bought it. I was very, very into, like, Emily's thought process about thinking about her former friend or lover. Again, we're not completely sure. I liked the subtle references to, you know, the medical career. The last line says, the question of who Dan really was ricocheted around her tired synapses like a pinball in a machine until sleep finally overcame. So I like that little, like, synapses, you know, getting that little medical reference in there. Now when we're in Dan's point of view, I felt like it was lacking because it's very much like, he's very focused on what's happening with this photo op. And. And again, we know we're going back in time, presumably before things got really dark. But to me, yeah, it just felt like he should deal more acutely with this issue because it makes him seem like a bit of a dummy that he's like. Like, I know where our daughter went. Don't worry about it. And again, especially in contrast to such a serious first chapter, this felt very kind of silly. Kind of made him seem like a dummy, to be honest with you. And then I like it once we're like. The wife's like, no, Dan, I need you to stop being so old for once and pay attention to the crisis at hand. I looked everywhere. Kaylee hissed through gritted teeth. And so she starts to, like, you know, mount this anxiety. And then it says, the physiologic response of the chronic people pleaser in the face of discord was blunted by the beta blocker he had taken in preparation for his speech. That was really interesting to me. So I think we need the beta blocker up front to be like, this is why he's kind of being dummy and not kind of, like, fully reacting to the situation at hand. I didn't like thinking he was a dummy and then learning he had a beta blocker. I would rather know we had the beta blocker. That's why he's being a dummy. And that way we can kind of process that a bit faster. All right, Cece, over to you.
- [36:03]
D
That's really interesting about the order of the beta blocker. I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mentioned it, I. I fully agree. I think Emily's chapter needs to be an interstitial chapter. Like, I don't think you need a full chapter. I agree it's so strong, like, so well written, but we just don't need it. Emily is clearly not a central character. I know this is multi pov, but the first chapter, the first protagonist that we encounter in a novel is the first one that we imprint with. And so I don't think, like, it just doesn't make any sense that it be Emily. Keep the order. It's fine to have it as an interstitial chapter in the vein of Big Little Lies. I agree it shouldn't be a comp, but it can be a book. That you learn from. So you know, if you pick up certain books, books with large commercial appeal, you have that Greek chorus. And having investigation by a detective as interstitial chapters is a great way to add a layer to your story that really propels it forward. So I would make it an interstitial chapter. I would not keep it as chapter one. It just again, as well written as it is. As much as I appreciated her interiority, I have a whole bunch of notes like, like the way she's clocking the detectives reactions is so great. Her interiority is so great. Like I have a lot of positive things to say, but sometimes something can be really well written and still not be the right place to start. So again, I feel very strongly about this when it comes to Dan's chapter. Absolutely echoing what Carly said. But also Krista. Let's talk about Krista. To my knowledge, what they're doing is they are essentially waiting for a picture, right? Like all they're doing is for their turn. Like they're waiting their turn to take a photo and his wife thinks their child is missing. There is no way she'd be hissing through gritted teeth like, that's just not believable to me. They would need to be like on stage at a major political event for her to be keeping that inside of her. You know, there would need to be a huge social pressure reason to make a mother not completely freak out. It's just not plausible to me. And that really kind of got in the way of the experience because I'm like, well, why? It feels like the author wanted contrast, contrast between Krista's reaction and Dan's reaction. But the author didn't want the plot consequences of having her freak out because then people would start looking for the child and it would change the whole movement of the scene. However, making her be someone who's like telling her husband, you need to take this seriously. Not freaking out, not yelling her daughter's name, not running around like that. Just not believable to me. Like, show me. Show me a person who wouldn't be freaking out in that moment if she really does think her child's missing, right? So to me, I don't know, it bothered me. There might be a reason for it, but whatever the reason, when plausibility issues are this big, it makes me think that you haven't worked on the character. And I don't know, I don't know if that's actually true, but that's the theory. I get, I get the theory of you still need to work on your characters, which is okay. This is an educational platform. You're still working on your characters. That's awesome. Good for you. But her psyche needs work, you know, her actions need calibration.
- [39:09]
C
Well, thank you so much for the analysis, Cece, and thank you to both of the authors today who sat in their material. We're always so grateful for you guys putting yourselves out there in the name of educating yourself and providing your work to be a teaching opportunity for other writers. So we're always so grateful. Thank you guys for spending another hour with us and we will see you guys next time.
- [39:29]
D
Bye everyone.
- [39:30]
B
Cece Lira is a literary agent at Wendy Sherman Associates. If you'd like to query CC, please refer to the submission guidelines@www.wsherman.com. carly Waters is a literary agent at P.S. literary Agency, but her work on this podcast is not affiliated with the agency and the views expressed by Carly on this podcast are solely that of her as a podcast co host and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, policies, or position of PS Literary Agency.
- [40:07]
D
What's up everyone?
- [40:08]
A
This is Cece. If you're a writer, then chances are you've wondered if your story is good enough. Maybe you're wondering that right now. I get it. Here's what I can tell you. As long as your story is making the reader curious, you're good. Now, I'm not saying you won't have to make edits when working with an agent or publisher. Edits are part of the game. But I am saying that you will get ahead in your career if you know how to make the reader curious. The best way to do that Infuse your story with plenty of tension, conflict and stakes. Which is why I'm so excited to invite you to join my four day course.
- [40:43]
D
Right?
- [40:43]
A
Fighting tension, Creating tension, Conflict and stakes in your story. It starts on October 13th. My favorite part about this class is that there are formulas. Yes, formulas for tension, for conflict, for stakes. And for the first time ever, we're having two optional interactive components, including a query letter studio and live critiques of select first pages. I'm super excited about this new format because I've seen it yield results in writers works and it works for writers of any genre as long as you're serious about improving your work. So if you're ready to take your writing to the next level, join me for this four day course. Don't worry if you can't attend live, the sessions will be recorded. For more information, check out my bio on Instagram or the podcast's website I'm looking forward to seeing you there.