Mel Robbins On The Tools, Habits, & Mindset Shifts That Actually Change Your Life

Summary

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The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Show

Episode: Mel Robbins On The Tools, Habits, & Mindset Shifts That Actually Change Your Life
Hosts: Lauryn & Michael Bosstick | Guest: Mel Robbins
Release Date: December 1, 2025

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Episode Overview

This highly anticipated episode welcomes back Mel Robbins, one of the most recognized voices in personal development, motivation, and mindset. Mel, celebrated for her bestselling book and transformative daily tools, shares with Lauryn and Michael tangible habits, insightful mindset shifts, and actionable strategies for creating actual, lasting change in life. The discussion dives deep into motivation, anxiety, daily routines, the “Let Them” theory, navigating tough transitions, healthy relationship dynamics, and how to plan a truly better year ahead.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Life Overwhelm & Somatic Tools: The “Slithering” Technique

• Mel opens with humor about recovering from a night out using her “slither out of bed” technique: literally sliding to the floor to overcome heaviness and emotional inertia ([01:20]).
  • “It is for those mornings…where life is too much and it is too hard to get yourself out of bed…instead of working against gravity and trying to stand up, you go with gravity and you let gravity pull you down to the floor, and you slither like a snake off the bed.” — Mel Robbins ([02:23])
• This technique was learned during a personal low point—moving out of her family home of 26 years, experiencing grief, loss of community, and “time marking.”
• Key insight: Physical movement can help move emotional “stuckness,” normalizing that periods of overwhelm and resistance are universal.

2. Mindset Shifts: Managing Anxiety, Energy, and Uncertainty

• On Motivation: Mel doesn’t see her role as simply to inspire, but to share real-time learnings as she works on her own growth ([09:39]).

• Power of Energy Management:

  • “Your energy is probably the most valuable currency that you have. There is a saying…Leaders bring the weather.” — Mel Robbins ([11:41])

• Understanding Anxiety:

  • Mel introduces Dr. Russell Kennedy’s theory: “All anxiety is separation anxiety”—not just from others, but from oneself ([14:25]).
  • Example: In anxious moments (before interviews, dates, career shifts), you disconnect from your capability.
  • “Anxiety is a moment where you are uncertain about something you care about.” — Mel Robbins ([15:11])

• Rewiring the “What If” Loop:

  • “If I spend time on what if the negative thing happens, I also owe it to myself to consider: what if the positive thing happens?” ([21:06])
  • Mel advocates for cognitive reframing: meet anxiety with self-compassion and possibility, not self-doubt.

3. Tangible Performance Tools:

“Excitement vs. Anxiety,” Anchor Thoughts, and the Hot 15

• Anxiety & Excitement Are Biologically Identical:

  • “Physiologically speaking, anxiety and nervousness are the exact same thing as excitement.” — Mel Robbins ([27:56])
  • The only difference is the story you tell yourself. Before a stressful event, reframe: “I’m so excited!”
  • Studies show this simple shift in self-talk improves actual performance.

• Anchor Thoughts:

  • Use a vivid, sensory mental image of a positive outcome after the apparently stressful event to ground yourself ([39:56]).
  • “Your anchor thought…is a very visual scene of what you’re excited about after it’s over.” — Mel Robbins ([39:57])
  • Example: Mel uses seeing her daughter in LA after a flight to counter her historical fear of flying.

• The Hot 15:

  • “You can get just about anything done over time in 15 minutes a day.” — Mel Robbins ([61:23])
  • Especially for big changes or resistant goals, focus on 15 digestible, focused minutes each day.
  • Routinely start your day with intentions for what really matters—before looking at your phone.

4. Morning Routines & Micro-Habits for Success

• Mel’s Non-Negotiables:
  • Prioritizes sleep, mouth tape for sleep, movement (even slithering if needed), making the bed, connecting with her husband, and identifying the day’s “one thing” ([44:31]).
  • Phone Discipline:
    • Resist external (digital) noise first thing in the morning—protect your mental “weather.”
    • “The resentment and overwhelm you feel around work has a lot to do with other people’s emergencies becoming your priority … The only chance you have to really think about what’s important is before you look at your phone.” ([46:31])

5. The Power of Auditing Your Year

• Before Setting Goals, Do a Personal Audit:
  • “Get your phone or your laptop, pull out your photos and your calendar, and ask: What were the best things that happened this year? What did I learn? What will I stop, start, or continue doing?” — Mel Robbins ([62:23])
  • Example: Mel stopped accepting most speaking gigs (to protect time/energy), started resistance training & eating more protein (focusing on women’s health realities), and continues to work on managing workplace frustration.

6. Navigating Resistance & Procrastination

• Why We Procrastinate on Big Dreams:
  • Resistance is a signal you’re about to do something that requires you to grow.
  • “Cringe is the price of entry. If you’re not willing to look cringey, you’re not going to be successful.” — Mel Robbins ([60:39])
• Key Tactic: Use the Hot 15 for digestibility. Audit your resistance: normalizing that snowplowing new neural paths feels hard initially.

7. Relationships & The “Let Them” Theory

• Finding the Right Partner:
  • “Are you looking for someone who looks good in a photo, or someone you can create a good life with?” — Mel Robbins ([79:46])
  • Gottman Institute research: 69% of what couples argue about never goes away; successful couples manage—not erase—disagreement ([82:12]).
  • If you must give up core dreams or values for a relationship, it’s not the right one.
  • A good relationship expands your life (“more friends, more hobbies”); a questionable one shrinks it ([88:12]).

8. Financial Empowerment & Later-Life Lessons

• Both Mel and Michael reflect on coming back from the brink of financial disaster, and the learnings that arise only after near ruin ([94:32]).
  • For Mel, the next year’s personal growth is about developing true expertise in wealth stewardship and management, not just earning.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Your energy is probably the most valuable currency you have. Leaders bring the weather.”
— Mel Robbins ([11:41])

“All anxiety is separation anxiety…You’re separate from yourself.”
— Dr. Russell Kennedy via Mel Robbins ([14:25])

“If I’m going to spend a bunch of time considering, what if the negative thing happens, I owe it to myself…to also spend 50% of the time considering the positive what ifs.”
— Mel Robbins ([21:06])

“Excitement and anxiety…are the exact same thing. The only difference is what you call it in your brain.”
— Mel Robbins ([27:56])

“Something that is important to you will generate resistance. Expect it. It’s a sign you’re about to do something new.”
— Mel Robbins ([57:14])

“Cringe is what it feels like when you push through the resistance and move in a new direction.”
— Mel Robbins ([60:39])

“You can get just about anything done over time in 15 minutes a day.”
— Mel Robbins ([61:23])

“If everything’s important, nothing is. Think singularly if you want to be successful.”
— Mel Robbins ([89:13])

“At the end of your life, if you’ve done it well, you’ll be surrounded by people you love, who love you back…You can’t take anything with you.”
— Mel Robbins ([95:04])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:16–04:25: Mel’s “slither out of bed” technique, grief, and moving through tough transitions
• 09:39–16:46: Managing energy, understanding anxiety, and reframing mindset
• 21:06–25:07: “What if” positive reframing, concrete tips to tackle uncertainty & anxiety
• 27:56–32:07: Anxiety vs. excitement, performance, and practical self-talk
• 39:56–43:32: Anchor thoughts & handling fear in professional/personal life
• 44:31–46:31: Mel’s morning routine and the pitfalls of starting the day with your phone
• 57:14–62:18: Understanding resistance, procrastination, and the Hot 15
• 62:23–66:49: Year-end audit: stop, start, continue; Jay Shetty’s influence
• 79:46–86:49: Relationship standards, compromises, and family signals
• 89:12–96:13: Singular goal focus for 2026, values-driven ambition, and longevity
• 94:32–98:31: Money mindset after setbacks, resilience, and recommended financial books

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Practical Takeaways

• Use physical tricks (like the slither) to overcome inertia in tough emotional times.
• Anxiety and excitement are the same—choose your framing.
• Anchor yourself with vivid positive outcomes (anchor thoughts) before stressful events.
• Audit your year via your phone/calendar/photos before setting new goals.
• Implement a daily “Hot 15” minutes for progress on resistant tasks.
• Don’t set 10 goals for the new year—pick one area for depth.
• In relationships, look for values alignment, support for your dreams, and avoid partnerships that shrink your world.
• Financial setbacks aren’t the end—with learning and discipline, new chapters are always possible.

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Final Encouragement (from Mel, [88:29])

“Do an audit of the year so you bring the data. Do more of what worked, less of what didn’t. Think singularly—and push through the resistance, even if it feels cringey. You cannot convince me you can’t make a change for the better. You can.”

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Find Mel:

• Instagram: @melrobbins
• Podcast: The Mel Robbins Podcast
• Book: The Let Them Theory: How to Move Past Other People, Fear & Friction—For Good

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For more:

• Full episode: Dear Media / The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Show (YouTube and all podcast platforms)
• Guest & episode links in show notes

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Transcript

[Mel Robbins]

The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

[Michael Bostic]

She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire.

[Lauren Everts]

Fantastic.

[Michael Bostic]

And he's a serial entrepreneur, a very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic.

[Mel Robbins]

Are bringing you along for the ride.

[Lauren Everts]

Get ready for some major realness.

[Michael Bostic]

Welcome to the Skinny Confidential. Him and her. Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Skinny Confidential, him and her show. Today we have a highly anticipated return guest and that is Mel Robbins. She is an award winning podcast host, New York Times number one bestselling author and one of the most followed and sought after experts in mindset, behavior changers and life improvement online and everywhere. She is the host of one of the top ranked podcasts in the entire world, the Mel Robbins Podcast. And she's one of the most trusted voices and respected experts on motivation and mindset. She's also a mom of three and has been married for 28 years. We love having Mel Robbins on this show. We started the year with Mel Robbins, we're kind of ending the year with Mel Robbins. Every time we talk to Mel we feel inspired, we feel lit up, we just. And great chemistry with that Mel Robbins. Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential. Him and her show. This is the Skinny Confidential.

[Lauren Everts]

Him and her Mel Robbins. Did you slither in here? Did you slither out of bed this morning?

[Mel Robbins]

Well, given that I had three margaritas last night. Nice. Well, yeah, a really good friend of mine, shout out Grace Mitchell, came up from Fort Worth and we have had just a monster couple days and we found out some really, really good news. And so I'm like, you know what? Screw it. Even though I'm seeing you two losers this morning, I am going to have three margaritas. And so you better believe I not only had to use my five second rule, I was in a hotel, the bed was very high.

[Lauren Everts]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And you better believe I use the slithering technique. If you would like me to demonstrate, I can.

[Lauren Everts]

We will have you demonstrate it for sure. You don't have to do it right now, but at the end of this episode you will. We have to have.

[Mel Robbins]

You need a specific technique if the bed is high.

[Michael Bostic]

Lauren was explaining to me this, you know, as we prep for these things. And by the way, if there's any two people that understand having three margaritas before a show, it's. It's us. Clearly. Clearly. But she showed me this slithering video. I didn't understand until I got the visual. That is quite a wake up routine, I would say.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And for those of you who don't know what I'M talking about. It is for those mornings and those moments where life is too much and it is too hard to get yourself out of bed. This is a technique, and I think it has a fancy. I think it's called, like, somatic. Something where you're working with your body to move through the emotional just cement that is holding you prisoner to how you feel in your body. And what you do is instead of working against gravity and trying to stand up, you go with gravity and you let gravity pull you down to the floor, and you slither like a snake off the bed. And then once you hit the floor, first of all, you're gonna feel, like, kind of ridiculous when you hit the floor, and then you kind of, like, roll around to move all that, like. Cause if you. If you tell me a moment in your life where you've had a hard time getting out of bed, like, just things were going sideways, maybe you had screwed up a business deal, maybe somebody broke up with you, like, there are moments in everybody. Maybe somebody died.

[Lauren Everts]

Be honest.

[Michael Bostic]

Well, I'm trying to think, like.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Michael Bostic]

No, no, no.

[Lauren Everts]

Be honest.

[Michael Bostic]

There's definitely moments where I felt like that for sure. I also had a father my entire life who, like, former Navy guy, woke me up by literally just ripping the door open and slamming the lights on. So to this day, when my alarm goes up, I spring out as if, like. Like a snake bit me.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lauren Everts]

And so he's not the right audience.

[Michael Bostic]

For the slither, but I think it's just like, listen, there's probably a lot of trauma response there that I'm just like. It's like, of course, bounces. But. No, but there's definitely those moments when. For sure. When things have not gone right or when you're stressed about something that you. Yeah. You just want to lay there and you don't want to move and you don't want to get out, and you just, like, you want to hide and sink under the blankets and not. Not come out for sure.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And so if you get into a. Just a streak in your life because there are things going on that might be unfair or you're going through grief or you're devastated from a breakup, or maybe you got fired from your job and you don't know how you're going to pay your bills, and life is just overwhelming. It can be hard to push out of that bed and get going. And so this was something that my therapist taught me when I was going through this really hard time. And it was because we had just moved from the house that we had raised our kids in. So my parents still live in the house that I grew up in. I've never experienced what it's like to move from your childhood home. And we raised our kids outside of Boston in the Same House for 26 years. And even though we were going to a new place that I, we, we had bought my husband's parents house, the place that they had built. And it was, it's this beautiful house in a, you know, ski area town. Our kids grew up going there. I love this place. But we were leaving our friends and our family, our, our friends and our child and the child at home. I had no idea how emotional it would be to pack up the place you had raised your family and to one by one go through drawers and see objects that just remind you of periods of your life that are over. And it's this weird moment where it marks time in a way that feels like, how did 26 years go like that? And we've all had those experiences. And you guys, you know, having kids, you're gonna see that your kids mark time. And even if you don't have kids, you've probably had the experience where you're like, wait, how did high school go so fast? Wait, I'm out of college already. Wait, how is it that I'm 25? How is it that I'm 30? And you start to get this sense that life is starting to cook, time is moving. And so I hit this depressive stage when we got to Vermont. Waking up in a new place where I didn't have any girlfriends up there. I realized at the age of 52, I have to make new friends. I have to start over. I am in a new place that I now I was so overwhelmed by it. It caught me completely off guard. And so I started having trouble just getting myself out of bed. And I was so sad that that period of our life where our kids were at home, that period of our life where we were raising kids with all of our friends. That period of our life where we were kind of part of a really awesome community where everybody's raising kids together and now all of a sudden everybody's kids are gone and people are starting to move back into the city and they're going, you're just like, it's over. And so I. That's what was happening for me. And you know, my husband had never. He was like, okay, I'm up. Like, let's go, let's make new friends. Let's go on a hike. I'm like, fuck You. I fucking hate our love. Why do we move? You did this to me, you know, like just. And so it's slithering and sliding off the bed, rolling on the floor, and then you start to roll on the floor and now you're moving all that stuck energy and that grief and the heartache or whatever. And then you crawl to the bathroom and typically the dog, if you have one, comes walking over and licks your face. And at some point as you're crawling, you're like, this is so ridiculous. And then you stand up and all the emotion is gone. It's the craziest thing.

[Lauren Everts]

You've got a great butt in that video.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, my God, thank you for saying that.

[Lauren Everts]

I was like, damn, you look like a 21 year old slithering out of bed. I'm like, oh, it's gonna slither on over into you.

[Mel Robbins]

You might wanna go check out what I do, you know?

[Michael Bostic]

Okay, so here's the thing. This is your second time on this show the year with Mel Robbins. Guys, we're gonna. The notes are in the. Or the show notes for that episode will be in this episode. So check it out. We're ending the year now with Mel Robbins.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Michael Bostic]

The book came out like right around the time we did it.

[Mel Robbins]

24Th Christmas Eve.

[Michael Bostic]

You've had phenomenal, may not even be the word success with the book.

[Lauren Everts]

Eight million books sold in 11 months, guys.

[Michael Bostic]

I was doing the math roughly with Mel before we started the show. That's like 24,000 books on average per day.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Around the world.

[Michael Bostic]

Ridiculous. Congratulations.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you.

[Lauren Everts]

That's about us.

[Michael Bostic]

But okay, so. But as you know, we were thinking about prepping for this episode and thinking about you. You have become one of the people that people go to to figure out how to feel better, how to live better, how to drive. But what do you, Mel Robbins, do to feel good? Because it's. You just touched on it a little bit. Like, are you always in a state where you're upbeat and can help, or do you have to do things in your own personal life to kind of get to that place to feel, you know, some like. Like you're in a place that you can inspire people continuously?

[Mel Robbins]

It's a great question. So I honestly don't feel like my job is to inspire people. Okay. I am really focused on just sharing what I'm learning as I'm trying to create the best life that I can. As I'm trying to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, as I'm trying to feel better, as my body changes and my hormones change and life changes. And I'm trying to be intentional about the settings in my mind in a world that is full of negativity and division and a lot of overwhelming things and scary things that are going on. And so I feel like sharing those things is a very important thing to do. And giving people access to world renowned experts and research, especially people that may not have, you know, the same level of access that we may have here in the United States, access to information distilled in a way that is relevant to a normal person's life. That's kind of what I'm doing. What people do with it is really kind of on them. And so I, when you asked me the question, what do I do to keep myself in a state? I am so intentional about this, I imagine. Oh, very intentional. Now that I'm. And I'm also 57 and I told you I was, I was going to start cooking. I put my sweater on because it was cold and now I got. We don't thermodilate the same way the dudes do. So now we go, it's us.

[Lauren Everts]

Strip tease. You got to watch the YouTube if you want to see a strip tease.

[Mel Robbins]

There we go. Well, so. So the thing that I do so much because it's a skill to be in a good mood for no reason. Do you know how many people go through life and they're in a bad mood for no reason?

[Michael Bostic]

A lot of, I mean, sometimes I would say even I don't want to say the majority of people, but a lot of people.

[Mel Robbins]

A lot of people and just really stop and consider that your energy is probably the most valuable currency that you have. And there is a saying that I like when I think about leadership. Leaders bring the weather. And what does that mean? That means that you can manage your energy in a way that you are a bluebird sky on a sunny day. Or you could have the kind of energy where you are a thunderstorm. And we have all dated and worked for people who are thunderstorms. And we also know the power of being around somebody who is more like the bluebird sky or a sunny day. There is something warm, there's something calm, there's something reassuring. This is not toxic positivity, this is flat out neuroscience. And your energy has power. And I don't think I took that seriously for a long time. And when you start to recognize that even when things are going terribly in your life, even when you're going through heartbreak, even when you're scared that AI is Gonna take your job even when you can't pay your bills. Or maybe mom or dad got a diagnosis and now you're scared. Even when that's happening, you can still do small things that change the energy that you feel. You can do intentional things to change the settings in your mind. And you can learn, despite what's going on around you, to trust in your capacity to be okay and your capacity to manage through it. And for too long, what happened for me is that I would. When life was unfair, or when I made major mistakes, or when I felt very stuck, or when somebody hurt my feelings, my energy would shift and I would go nuclear rainstorm. And it sends you in a direction you don't wanna go. And if you can maintain the ability to. In those moments where you're like, well, what if this happens? And what if that happens? And what if the other thing happens? Which, you know, if I unpack this from a standpoint of anxiety, which I struggled from for a very, very long time. Cause I didn't quite understand it, I have a new understanding of what these anxious Moments are from Dr. Russell Kennedy. He said to me, he said, you know, he's a neuroscientist and a medical doctor that only studies anxiety.

[Michael Bostic]

Interesting.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, he's super cool guy to talk to.

[Michael Bostic]

We should talk to that guy.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, you should talk to that guy. And so he had. So he basically said to me, mel, all anxiety is separation anxiety. I'm like, I don't think so. Like, if I'm going into an interview and I feel anxious about it, I'm not feeling separate from my mother right now like that. I don't. I don't get that. He's like, no, no, no, you don't understand. He said, you're separate from yourself. I said, what? What did you just get?

[Lauren Everts]

I totally know what he means when he says that.

[Mel Robbins]

What does he mean, like, when?

[Lauren Everts]

And maybe this is my take on it. When. If I go into a job interview that I'm really nervous about, I'm not feeling connected to myself because I'm out of my environment's new. I don't know, this person's energy that I'm walking into. I'm feeling disconnected from myself as I walk in, which is separation from oneself.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And what happens in that moment is like, let's just try to make this not that anxiety is a simple thing. Because when you feel it, it can become very crippling. And I can look backwards now and be like, I made every mistake in the book. I made every mistake in the book, with my own anxiety, I made every mistake in the book as a parent, I did the exact opposite of what you should do in those moments when somebody's anxious. So I am personally responsible for making my children's anxiety worse. And let me explain first kind of this moment based on what Dr. Russell Kennedy taught me. So let's just take a situation where you're going into an interview or you're going on a date and you start to feel anxious. Or we can even add into this. So many people around the world are really anxious about AI. They're anxious that they're gonna lose their job. They're anxious about how this is gonna change the world. And the reason why you're anxious is because you're standing in the present moment and you're uncertain about how the date's gonna go. You're standing in the present moment, you're uncertain about how the interview's gonna go. You're standing in the present moment, you're employed, but you're uncertain about what's going to happen in the future. So anxiety is a moment where you are uncertain about something you care about. And this is important because to understand it's something you care about. You never get anxious about shit. You don't care about the alarm in the body that goes off, which is what anxiety is, is. Is an alarm tied to something you care about.

[Lauren Everts]

That's interesting. Did you hear that? That's very, very interesting about how you feel. Not now. How you used to feel about finances, what she just said.

[Michael Bostic]

Yeah, well, I was anxious that I was gonna be separated from my finances.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm concerned about what's gonna happen.

[Michael Bostic]

But. No, but jokes aside, it's an uncertainty about what's gonna happen in the future. And, you know, like, I think it's interesting when I hear you say that as a parent, because I realize, and this is no shading, my parents are great. But there was a period in their, you know, when I was young, that they were uncertain about that as well, and they were struggling. And so I think, like, some of that mapping probably I picked up as a kid, and I think about that now as a parent. I'm like, well, you know, matter how well you're doing, like, you don't want to. You gotta be careful of that mapping as a parent.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Cause you know who. How did you learn English?

[Michael Bostic]

Of course.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Your parents. Because your brain is absorbing the patterns of it. So you also, in terms of the settings of your mind, you also learn those based on what's happening. Around you. And so the cool thing is, is that there is so much like research that's irrefutable that the settings in your mind, number one, can be changed. But there's also crazy cool research about how the settings in your mind change the biology and the physiology of your body. And I can explain some of the super cool things coming from Dr. Aliyah Crum at Stanford and some of the crazy cool research that she's been doing in just a minute. But let's go back to this moment where you're in a moment where you feel uncertain about something. You care about the interview, the date, the state of the world, finances, whatever it may be. So the alarm that goes off in your body is just your body doing its job. Because the alarm and anxiety is simply meant to get you to just get out of autopilot, stop doom scrolling and pay attention to what's about to happen because you care about it. That's all that anxiety is. Okay, the separation from self comes that you feel the alarm and then you separate from here and you go up here and right up here you start going, oh my God, what if this person doesn't like me? And what if I get that neck brush and what if I say something stupid and what if I. And now you go up into your mind and you start doubling down on the belief that you're not capable of handling what's about to happen. And that doubling down and separating from your capability to manage something, all that up here makes the alarm worse when you start going, oh my God, this interview's like, what if I don't get this job and what if this and what if the interview is a dick? And what if I didn't do this and did I do the right thing on the resume? You just separated from your ability to handle this and all of the what if, what if, what if, what if, what if now makes the alarm worse. Same thing with finances. The only thing going on is you care about managing this correctly and you're not certain because who knows what's going to happen in the future. But in that moment, what you need to do is drop back in, take a breath and go, hey, I'm going to be okay. No matter what happens, I can manage this.

[Michael Bostic]

I used to do it with public speaking to you. Now obviously I speak for a living and do this all the time. But I remember being anxious. But now that you're talking about it, it's like, yeah, you're wondering how it's going to go, how the crowd's going to react, what you're going to say can you get there? You're right.

[Mel Robbins]

And here's the other reason why this is important. Because you can't control what's going to happen. And the more you focus on what could happen, the more out of control you feel. But what you can control is how you respond to what's gonna happen. And so when you start to just change the setting in that moment in your mind, and you say to yourself, hey, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I know that I'm capable of just dealing with it. I don't know if the interview's gonna go well, but I'm gonna be okay if it doesn't. And so when you double down on your ability to manage the things that are about to happen, you are now changing the. The way you face uncertainty. And, you know, one other thing that's helped me a lot is I get stuck in that what if loop a lot. So I started to say, well, wait a minute, if I don't know what's going to happen, if I'm going to spend a bunch of time considering, well, what if the negative thing happens? I owe it to myself, since I don't know what's going to happen, to also spend 50% of the time considering the positive what ifs. Like, what if this works out? What if the date's fun, might not be my person, but I have a good time. What if this interview helps me decide I don't want to do this? What if this interview goes great and I get the job? What if AI comes and I lose my job, but something else amazing happens? What if AI coming and it's scaring me forces me to take an online free course, and I brush up on my skills, I learn how to build an app, and all of a sudden I'm like, learning stuff I never even knew I could learn.

[Lauren Everts]

So you're constantly reframing it from a negative to a positive. So if someone's listening and they' they're going into this year and they want to tackle this year and they want to have the best year ever, and they're constantly in the pattern of negatively.

[Mel Robbins]

Thinking, what if yes.

[Lauren Everts]

What's yes? We can change it to a positive, but what are the other tips and tasks?

[Mel Robbins]

First, you got to recognize, oh, wait, I'm in a moment of uncertainty, and I'm now telling myself, I can't handle this. And then what happens when you tell yourself you can't handle it is you avoid it or you're making Your alarm worse. So you're going to screw up the interview. And you screw up the interview. Not because you didn't prepare, you screwed up the interview because you couldn't handle the moment when that alarm started going off. You separated from your ability to go to an interview. Even if it goes shitty, you're going to survive. And because you started to now go against yourself and argue against your ability, you screwed it up for yourself. And so what I want you to do first and foremost is notice when the anxiety hits, the uncertainty hits. Because here's the other thing I'm going to tell you. It's a mentally healthy response to an interview you care about to feel a little anxious. It means you care. It doesn't mean the interview is going to go wrong. And so instead of going, what if it like goes terrible? Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go, what if it works out? Because now what you're doing is you are doing counter programming and you are doubling down on your ability and your capacity and that is going to settle the alarm and that is going to help you stay calm. Because I can add some more research in here, which is really fascinating if you go to the public speaking example. So one thing that changed my life about public speaking, because I used to be the same way, I would be backstage pacing, you know, a nervous person in a, ER waiting room.

[Michael Bostic]

I think it's important for people to hear you say that, maybe even me, because for what you do now, I don't think people would believe that.

[Lauren Everts]

No.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, it's true. If you watch my TEDX talk, that's the first ever speech I gave on a stage.

[Michael Bostic]

That's a big stage for the first.

[Mel Robbins]

One, but correct a minute in, I have a neck rash that people get. You know that big blotchy thing like when they're drinking too much, Michael gets it. Yeah. Or they are completely panicked. I was basically disassociated on that stage. In fact. 19. That talk was supposed to be about career change. I'd never told anyone about the five second rule, that little countdown trick I used to get out of bed. And I forgot how to end the talk. And I forgot how to end the talk because I was so anxious that when you're anxious, medically and physiologically speaking, this part of your brain shuts down and the amygdala, they call it the second brain. This little almond thing back here which turns on when you're in fight or flight, when that amygdala starts humming. You cannot use this Part of your brain. This is why you choke when you've prepared. It's not because you didn't prepare. It's because the alarm got so big and you started freaking yourself out that now you can't use the part of the brain that you need that helped you prepared because it turned off.

[Michael Bostic]

No. And speaking of that, like, I used to fight when I was younger, and they talk about tunnel vision. That's exactly what happens. You literally cannot see anything. But this part in the. You can't think beyond what's.

[Lauren Everts]

But.

[Michael Bostic]

But like that. I guess it literally happens in a fight or flight. Like, 100%.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And it happens in an interview, and it happens on a date. And because you. You don't, you miss that moment where the anxiety, that's normal because you care about it. You don't know how it's gonna go. Perfectly normal and great thing to feel, but how do you manage that feeling? So this is crazy research. And this changed my life because I would. As people started to ask me to speak, I would be pacing back and forth five minutes like clockwork. They would mic me up. I'd be backstage. I would have to go to the bathroom, and my stomach would be like. And I would take it as a sign, because my stomach was in knots, that things were gonna go terribly. And for the first couple years, I would just get out there and I would have to muscle through it. It was absolutely awful to be me. Wow. Somehow I didn't. I. It didn't quite look like it to everybody else, but inside, there were two different things going on. There were words coming out of my mouth, and there was like a marching band happening inside of my body. And the reason why I kept doing it is I needed to pay my bills. And this was helping me pay my bills and get the liens off our house. And so I did not have a choice. Like, this was how I was going to make a living. This was how I was going to pay my bills. And I needed to figure this out. So I then read this research that changed my life. I believe it was research from Harvard Business School, not Harvard Medical School. But what they were looking at is they were looking at performance anxiety. And they wanted to understand, why do people choke? Like, what is it about that moment where you've prepared. You've prepared for the test, you've prepared for the interview, you've prepared for the presentation, and then you get into it and you get the tunnel vision and you choke? And so they decided to really look at the physiology of what it Means to be anxious or nervous. Here's what's interesting. Physiologically speaking, anxiety and nervousness is the exact same thing as excitement. The exact same thing. Like, I want you to stop and think about in a moment that you're super excited. Like, tell me about a moment that you can think of that. Like, whether it was like, your favorite band is about to come on stage or the baby's about to be born. Like, you're really, really excited. Like, what's a moment when that was happening?

[Lauren Everts]

For me, it's when the baby's being born.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Lauren Everts]

I was, like, so excited, I was crying. And the doctor's like, why are you crying? And I'm like, what do you mean, why am I. It's like, it's. It's.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. What else do you feel?

[Lauren Everts]

Yeah, I don't. You can't even express it, so I totally see what you're saying. Michael's excited.

[Michael Bostic]

I went to a different direction, thinking about probably why we made the baby. Like, that's. That was my moment.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Lauren Everts]

Michael gets excited when we made the baby. I get excited when the baby's there.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, I can tell you, like, I think about, like, that moment right before one of your favorite bands is about to come on stage. And you kind of hear that. Ha ha. And they start, like, the drum or the one guitar thing, and. And your heart starts racing, your armpits are sweating and your hands are clammy.

[Michael Bostic]

It's Metallica coming out to Ecstasy of Glow.

[Mel Robbins]

And your stomach sweats, your feet. Noah Khan, Coldplay. Like John Mayer. Like, my stomach is like butterflies. Now let's take a look at when you're nervous or anxious. Same thing. Hearts racing, armpits sweating, throat's tight, hands are clammy. You gotta go to the bathroom. You got butterflies. Now, here's what's interesting. The only difference in a situation where you're excited is intellectually the setting in your brain is, oh, I'm so excited for the band. You don't say to yourself, I'm so nervous that they're coming out your mind. Labels it something that doesn't make you separate and start doubting. Oh, I don't think I can stand here in this concert. Cause they're about to come out, and I'm really nervous. And, you know, I'm not sure I wore the right outfit. And what if this all screws up? And what if they don't play my favorite song? I'm really nervous that doesn't happen. But you then separate from yourself in a moment of Anxiety. And you go, oh, my God, I got butterflies. I'm gonna screw this interview up. Oh, my God, my armpit's sweating. You know, this isn't gonna go well. These are all physiological signs that I'm fucked. That's not what's happening. Your body in both situations, and this is really cool. You really care about the band coming out. You really care about the baby. You care about the interview. You care about your finances. So everybody's like, oh, my God, you care about this. Let's sound the alarm, because I need you to get off your phone. I need you to pay attention. And now let me explain what's going on in your body, because this is freaking so cool. So when you have to pay attention, the chemistry in your body changes. So part of that alarm and the adrenaline that's flowing is to signal to your body, hey, I don't need blood in my digestive tract right now, because I don't need to be digesting food. We're about to be dancing to Coldplay, for crying out loud. Oh, I don't need to be digesting food because I'm about to go on stage. So I need the blood in my heart, and I need the blood up here. And I need all of those amazing kind of chemicals in my body and the adrenaline to go here and here so I can perform, so I can be present for this. That's what's happening. We don't know it. The reason why you have butterflies is the chemistry in your body just changed.

[Lauren Everts]

So can we. Before going on stage, can we say, I'm so excited to go speak and what a blessing and how grateful I am to be able to speak in.

[Mel Robbins]

Front of the stage, you can say, and this is what the research proved. Cause they put people in control groups, and they tested how people performed on tests. And in other situations where you can measure performance, like, you know, how fast you sprint, how well you do on a standardized test, they taught one group to say, I'm so excited. That's all you have to say, Even though you're, like, nervous. And the reason why you have to go to the bathroom is all the chemistry in your body's changing. And so you have a response to empty your bladder so that you can be prepared to do what you need to do. It's not because, oh, my God, I'm shitting myself because I'm gonna screw this up. No, your body's preparing because it's getting the signal that it's time to go. It's sort of like this evolutionary Thing like, okay, we gotta run. Okay, we gotta go, like, hunt. Okay, it's time. It's game on. So let's get rid of the extra weight, let's get rid of the full bladder, let's get the blood and all the adrenaline up here because we need it to focus because this is important. That's what's happening.

[Michael Bostic]

Quick break to talk about Element. I don't know who I was or what I was doing before I figured out what electrolytes were. Before I figured out how to take Element. I was constantly getting headaches. I was getting that midday slump. I was running around, I was dehydrated. We talk about how important it is on this podcast to stay hydrated, not only for your mental clarity, to manage migraines and headaches, but also for your skin and your overall health. Well, you're likely getting dehydrated because you probably don't have the proper electrolyte ratio. This is why a product like Element is incredible. Because drinking water is not quite enough. You need to get those electrolyte ratios in your system. We do this by adding these packets of Element to our water when we're working out, when we're feeling a little sluggish, when we're feeling a little tired, when we're on a plane. And it's going to give you the boost you need to stay hydrated throughout the day. Element helps anyone stay hydrated without the sugar and other dodgy ingredients found in popular electrolyte and sports drinks. And Element is formulated for anyone on a mission to restore health through hydration and is perfectly suited for athletes, folks who are fasting, or those following keto, low carb, whole food or paleo diets. What I love about Element is they come in these individualized travel packets in so many different flavors at this point. I love this new lemon flavor that they came out with in the summer, but they have all sorts of others. They have mango, chili and all sorts of great ones that you can try. So check them out if you want to stay hydrated. Right now, Element is offering a free sample pack with any purchase. That's eight single serving packets, free with any Element order. This is a great way to try all eight flavors or share Elements Element with a friend. Get [e-mail] Skinny this deal is only available through our link. You must go tO-R-I-N k l m n t.com skinny and you can try Element totally risk free. If you don't like it, they'll send you a refund on Your order, no questions asked. They have a very low refund rate. Again, that's drinkelement.com skinny ag1 I've told.

[Lauren Everts]

You about my morning routine. It's really helped optimize my morning and now we're going to take it to the night. Okay, so enter a G Z. It's a nightly drink that helps you wind down and rest up. What I like about this formula is it's melatonin free. I don't like melatonin and I also like to have herbs before I go to bed and this one has clinically studied herbs, adaptogens and minerals. So it hits all the points that are important to me. So after I tried this for a week, what I noticed is that yes, it helped me wind down, which was awesome, but it also helped me see stay asleep, which is awesome. Okay, so it really helped me get the most out of my sleep, which I'm very much about. It was very efficient. And this shouldn't surprise you because it has magnesium L in it, which is a clinically tested form of magnesium. Everyone who is so smart, so many experts have come on the show and recommended this specific kind of magnesium to improve sleep quality and support cognitive function. I think this is the best form of magnesium. And AGZ delivers 250 milligrams of highly bioavailable magnesium which provides over half your daily value. So they really thought of everything. I feel like they bookended your day, which is so efficient. If you're ready to turn down the stress and focus on the rest, head to drink ag1.com Skinny to get a free free frother with your first purchase of AGZ. That's drink ag1.com skinny let's talk about.

[Michael Bostic]

Get Joy dog food. Get Joy's freeze dried raw dog food is made with real whole food ingredients like 100% USDA sourced meats, pumpkin for digestion, salmon oil for the skin and coat health, and no seed oils or artificial anything. We love this for our pets because putting our pet's health as a priority is just as important as taking care of ourselves. Gut health is the foundation of our dog's wellness and Get Joy freezes dry raw dog food contains belly biotics, which is a proprietary blend of pre, pro and postbiotics to support digestion, reduce inflammation and build a strong healthy gut. Because joy starts from within. We talk on this podcast so often about how important gut health is, but it's not just for humans, it's for our pets as well. And these days with ultra processed foods and terrible ingredients. You have to be extra vigilant on what you're giving your pets. With GetJoy dog food, you never have to worry because it's developed by veterinarian nutritionists with PhDs and third party testing. The meat is raw, then freeze dried to retain 97% of nutrients. So you know you're getting all the proper nutrients for your dogs. And they never use high heat or high pressure processing which allows them to maintain such high nutritional value and maintain the flavor. We recently partnered with GetJoy Dog Food and we have not looked back. Our pets love it. They look at it as a little treat. They feel great, they're thriving. And this also means less visits to the vet, which is so important. You get more time with the pets that love you unconditionally. Who doesn't want that? So check them out. As a listener of the Skinny confidential, you'll get 50 off your first subscription order of Get Joys freeze dried raw dog food plus two exclusive gifts, a free scoop and a four ounce bag of treats. Shop get joyfood.com skinny to make your dog's food as intentional as yours. Again, that's get joyfood.com skinny we had.

[Lauren Everts]

The founder of Weight Watchers on our show and it's really cool to watch them evolve as a brand. Even though they're nostalgic and iconic, they've managed to really stay with the times. I respect it. Today, Weight Watchers combines proven science backed behavior change programs with new flexible options to make your journey more effective and sustainable. So if you qualify, you can now access prescription weight loss medicines through licensed clinicians plus one on one guidance from a registered dietitian for truly personalized care. So they very much focus on navigating menopause and the challenges that come with it. They have like a new Weight Watchers for Menopause program. Everything is obviously developed by doctors, women's health specialists and nutrition experts and this specific program is built to support your body and health during this stage of life. You guys know I'm sure about their Signature Points program. It's smarter and simpler than ever. They have enhanced app features, virtual workshops and digital tracking tools to make healthy living more flexible, more intuitive and more livable than ever. Weight Watchers is the number one doctor recommended weight loss program and it's a healthy and safe way to lose weight whether or not you're taking any weight loss medication. If you're looking to feel like the most confident and healthy version of you, check them out. You can join [e-mail]. be sure to use promo code SKINNY for $10 off your first month of membership. Offer applies to select plans. Restrictions apply. Offer ends 1231. That's weightwatchers.com. so how can someone apply this. This mindset shift in their business and their family?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Okay, so the best thing to do. It's easy with speaking. And again, the research proves that when you say in a situation that normally makes you nervous or anxious, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'll give you another example specifically, and then we'll go to business. I used to be terrified of flying. And the reason why is I would get on the plane, and I would click in, and then I'd be nervously texting everybody as if I'd never see them again. I love you so much. Whatever. And then the plane would take off, and you're kind of like this. And then when it levels off and it's like. And it feels like it's gonna fall out, and then I'm like, oh, my God. And. And I would be in a state of anticipating my death until the. The. The beverage cart came out. Because I figured once the beverage cart comes out, the pilots are good. They're now letting people roam. We're good. Okay. And so I started applying this research. And you can. If it's a situation that makes you very nervous or very anxious, I want you to marry this with what's called an anchor thought.

[Lauren Everts]

Okay?

[Mel Robbins]

So before you get on the plane or before at work, you got an important presentation today, you're going to talk to your boss. You are going to advocate for the contributions you've been making, and you're going to make the case for the promotion that you want. And it's great that you're nervous because you care about this and you want it to go well, and I want it to go well for you. So don't you dare go up here and start going, oh, oh, Separate from myself. No, no, no. You got to double down. I can handle this. I deserve this. So when I start feeling anxious, go, oh, I know what's going on in my body. I'm just excited to do this. Now what I want you to do is have an anchor thought. And an anchor thought is a very visual scene of what you're excited about after it's over. So when I get on an airplane, I will do this today, because I'm gonna leave you guys and go get on an airplane and fly to Los Angeles. I'll think about what I'm super excited to do when I get There. And what I'm super excited to do. Our daughter Kendall lives there. I'm gonna see Kendall tonight, and we're gonna have dinner, and we're gonna have a sleepover party. And so I can imagine myself in my PJs, sitting in her apartment on her bed, and we're laughing and talking. That's my anchor thought, because it just makes me calm and happy. Your anchor thought after the presentation could be you going out with your girlfriends and saying, I did it. I did it. I'm so proud of myself. I did it. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I did it. And that's your anchor thought. And I want you to really get visual with it. Bring in your senses. Where are you? What is the light like? You know, what. What are the sounds that you hear? What are the colors that you see? Because your brain doesn't know the difference between something that's real and something that you imagine.

[Lauren Everts]

I'm dying because I do this for every interview.

[Mel Robbins]

Terrific.

[Lauren Everts]

I didn't even know this was, like, a thing.

[Mel Robbins]

This is a thing.

[Lauren Everts]

I, like, imagine how, like, what I'm gonna. The smoothie I'm gonna drink after the interview. That went so well. And, like, we did this with Dana White. Like. Like, exactly how we wanted to feel in the car, leaving him. Like, you imagine that.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Lauren Everts]

So that's. It's called an anchor point.

[Michael Bostic]

We also, like, we have a busy week. We're going to New York on Sunday, and there's a bunch of stuff we gotta do. And then after, we're gonna take some time with the family, but we think about, like, getting through that and then what it's gonna feel like being with the family after.

[Lauren Everts]

That's interesting. I didn't know it was called something.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And so what I also love about this is that there is so much amazing science out there about how you can intentionally program your mind to help you. And so let's keep unpacking this, because here's how you're going to use it. You get on the plane and you are going, I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. But you keep thinking about the plane crashing. The way that you use the anchor thought is, as you're saying, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Because you might be great for the first 30 minutes, and then you hit turbulence, and then your mind's like, fuck this, I'm dying. And so you're like, oh, my God. So you're like, okay. No, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Close your eyes and imagine. I will imagine myself sitting on that bed. I can hear the music playing, I can see the candle. It's probably 7 o' clock at night. The twilight's time of night starting to happen. She's laughing, she has her hair up. And what happens when you see that visually and you can put yourself there is your brain's like, oh, wait a minute. Oh, if we're gonna do that tonight, the plane makes it.

[Lauren Everts]

Uh huh.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, wait a minute. If I'm high fiving my friends, even though I'm now listening to the interviewer and they've got a weird look on their face, I'm gonna be okay no matter what happens. And so it's a way for you to settle the alarm. It's a way for you to kind of have your own back and to coach yourself through these moments because they're gonna happen every day. There are things in life that are so out of your control, but you can learn how to use simple kind of switches in your own mind and body to empower yourself to navigate it a little bit better. And the more that you do this, the more mastery you get over it. And so this goes back to your original question. What do I do? I am super, super intentional. Like I sleep. I prioritize sleep. Mouth tape's a big thing.

[Lauren Everts]

I use some Skinny Confidential.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes you do. I have a very rock solid morning routine. Like I get out of bed. Like even at the hotel, I make out of bed. Yeah, slither. I slither when I can't get out of bed. I. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. When I don't need to slither. I exercise almost every morning. I did not exercise this morning because I was running too late. I make my bed wherever I am. Even in a hotel. I talk to my husband first thing in the morning, even when we're in different time zones. I also, before I look at my phone, this is a very important thing. I intentionally think about the one thing that is important for me to make progress on today. And it is critical that you do that. So you asked about how do you use this for work? Part of why you may feel anxious at work, and this is particularly true if you're a small business owner, is that the second you look at your phone, your day's gone. You are literally now in reactive mode. And if you haven't taken a moment before you've looked at your phone to say, okay, what's the one thing that really matters to me? Not to get done, but to Make a little bit of forward movement on it. Could be. I'm going to send one text about this. I'm just going to write this on my whiteboard today so that it's out of my brain and in front of my face. I'm going to send one email. I'm going to watch one video that it could. Just one thing. Because the resentment that you feel around work and the overwhelm that you feel around work has a lot to do with the fact that you're upset. And I've felt this for a long time, that everybody else's emergencies have become your priority. And the thing that matters to you, you can't seem to get to. And the thing about the stuff that matters to you is it's not going anywhere. It's going to haunt the hell out of you. And the only chance that you have to really think about it, declare that it's important, and find five fricking seconds to move the ball down the field or to get it out of your head and on paper so that you remember to do it at lunchtime is before you look at the phone. Because if you imagine yourself, like, imagine yourself and you wake up in the morning and if you're in bed and you look at your phone, we've talked about this the last time, but I want you to, okay, you've got a Russian hacker over here in your bedroom. You have a bunch of, like, people trying to sell you shit over here. You got all your haters standing in your bedroom over there. You got all the crazy headlines and the reporters and everything standing over here. You got every celebrity in the world trying to sell you shit over there. They're all standing in your bedroom now. Because that's the reality of what happens to your brain the second you look at your phone.

[Lauren Everts]

He.

[Michael Bostic]

You have a very good memory.

[Lauren Everts]

He.

[Mel Robbins]

I do. I literally have a photographic memory because I talked to.

[Michael Bostic]

You know, we talked. You have a very good memory. Because I could tell as you were saying that you were recalling a lot of things that we've talked about before. And the reason I say that. That to you is because a lot of people listen. You do a lot of shows. We do a lot of shows. But the fact that you can recall it is you.

[Lauren Everts]

Michael made you a promise that he would not bring the phone into bed.

[Mel Robbins]

I told him I didn't believe he would do it with.

[Lauren Everts]

He. You did. You don't bring the phone into bed.

[Mel Robbins]

But.

[Michael Bostic]

No, but. Okay, but here's my.

[Lauren Everts]

You do look at the phone the second you Wake up. So it's not in bed with us anymore. You got it? Out of my bed.

[Michael Bostic]

But here's my caveat with this, because I agree with almost everything you're saying, especially if you're wired as someone who looks at a phone and has your day completely derailed or taken away by people making asks if you are bombarding you. My dad, when I was little, he had a very successful friend. And it's funny, this is like really old. He said that the same thing would happen, but with fax machines. Yeah, like the faxes would just come in, come in, come in. And this guy's tactic was anything that said urgent or asap or like get to this right away, he would take it and he would put it at the very bottom of the P, the faxes. And he says, because what happens is people send these things and it's not urgent for you, it's urgent for them. And so what they're doing is they're taking. So what his tactic was is he would take the thing he said, but most of the time, if it truly was urgent, somehow it would present his way and he'd have to manage it. Somebody calls you, but nine times out of ten it was somebody else's urgent thing that you really wasn't urgent for you. And he would do the same thing in business deal. Like, if someone's like, we got to get the deal done right now. And so my, the way that I think about the phone is this is the way that this fax machine is. I look at it, I'm aware of what's going on, but I don't feel the need to jump in and solve somebody else's to do it. So I do, I do what you're doing. I step back and I say, what is the thing that I need to do first that's most important for whatever's going on in my business with my family? And then I behave. But.

[Lauren Everts]

But what she's saying. But when you look at social media, what you do on X, let's be honest, that the X, the selling and the this and the butthole and the meme and thing and the Elon Musk talking, like all these things are entering your ether. And so you have to be protective of that.

[Michael Bostic]

So what I. So yes, and I agree with all that. I guess what I'm saying is I have worked the muscle in my own life to not allow those things to take my time or distract.

[Lauren Everts]

But it is taking your time because you're looking at it.

[Michael Bostic]

I understand that.

[Mel Robbins]

You know, and this goes back to your first question.

[Lauren Everts]

I love a therapy.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm just sharing what works for me. If it works for you. And you can honestly say that the very best thing for your business and the very best thing for your family and the very best thing for your brain is to allow. No, I'm just saying if you can say to yourself, it's your life, you need to live it in a way that really makes you happy. So if you can say to yourself, hey, you know, like, just pouring this shit into my head first thing in the morning is really the best decision for my family. It is the best decision for my family.

[Michael Bostic]

I'm not gonna win with you, Mel.

[Mel Robbins]

I thought about winning. I'm just saying to you, you are a very driven and family first guy.

[Michael Bostic]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

And you are a very ambitious person. And I would just have you stop and think that. Do some of these. Because the microhabits, particularly at certain times of day, have a compounding effect.

[Michael Bostic]

I agree.

[Mel Robbins]

And I think you might make more money. I think you might be more present. If these are things you want.

[Michael Bostic]

No, no, they're things.

[Lauren Everts]

Maybe your wife's in bed naked and you could come over and hang out with me. Does that sound better than us?

[Michael Bostic]

I don't know. Lauren, you, in the morning. Let's be honest. In the morning, even, no matter what you're doing, I'm gonna stay away for about two hours, two or three. That's probably smart, let's be honest.

[Mel Robbins]

But you know what I'm saying, Like, it's just. Cause here's the thing. I don't know what's best for you. I know what works for me. And you know, one of the things that I also know is this. I would not be able to live in New York or Los Angeles or Miami or any big media town because I would not do my best work.

[Lauren Everts]

Agreed.

[Michael Bostic]

That's why we live here.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And so I live in a place where I don't see what anyone else is doing. And it is not surprising to me that the single best thing that I will probably ever create in my life in terms of my work, the Let Them theory book. And this building, this theory was created in a place where I see nothing but mountains and sky because I was able to bring the full capacity of my brain to something that was important. And so do I do this ever? No. There are plenty of. Especially weekend mornings or weekends that were in Boston, because we will like you guys. I'll be in Boston five days a month and we'll take 10 interviews in five days. And those mornings, oh my God, like my assistant's calling me at 10, 6 o', clock, thank God. And I'm picking up the phone and we're like off to the races. And so those days are different. But on the days that I have the ability to really work the morning routine and give myself a space from the world, I just find that I'm so much more in control. The decisions are better. I feel more connected to Chris. I feel less nervous about anything. And so that's the only thing. But I don't. And this is why I say, you know people like, oh, you give people advice. I'm like, I'm sharing my experience. And I'm also trying to distill the what experts are saying, the things that I've tried, the things that I've noticed. And you got to experiment for yourself and if it works for you to do it, you should keep doing it.

[Michael Bostic]

No, no. So, yeah, and listen, I think everything you're saying resonates, I guess what I would get, my only thing that I would say. No, no, no, no, no.

[Mel Robbins]

I think you're arguing with yourself. I'm not going to really care. You do.

[Michael Bostic]

No, no. It's actually furthering what you were saying. There's things that I know that I do are certain vices to me that I'm still functioning within. Do I know some of those vices could be like, for example, we used to drink a lot more. We don't drink as much, but we still do once a while.

[Mel Robbins]

I almost brought up that example too for myself.

[Michael Bostic]

I have people come on the show all the time, don't drink any alcohol. I'm like, listen, I'm willing to move a pretty good distance, but if I'm out with you at dinner, we're having margaritas, like that's what's going to happen. It's just I'm willing to make some trade offs in my life is what I guess. But could I live more? Could I do all these things and probably eek a little bit out? It's also the same thing when people, very successful people be like, how do, how do you live in Texas? Not in one of the big cities. You'd be much more successful if you don't agree.

[Mel Robbins]

Actually, I don't agree.

[Michael Bostic]

I don't agree.

[Lauren Everts]

There's no distraction.

[Mel Robbins]

But the point is also tied to your values.

[Lauren Everts]

Yes, it's grounding.

[Michael Bostic]

So here's what I would say. Everything comes with a cost. I think the biggest tragedy is when you go through life and you're unaware of those costs.

[Mel Robbins]

I think you're aware of the cost.

[Michael Bostic]

I'm aware of the costs.

[Mel Robbins]

I don't think that anybody. I think people are aware of the cost. I choose to believe everybody wants to thrive and do well. And oftentimes when you're in a period of your life, which I certainly have been in for a large part of my life, where you're stuck in these patterns, you know it. And there's a lot of internal friction that you feel, and you get into this mode where, again, you start fucking the beat down. Why are these guys successful and I can't be. Why can't I find, like, you just start pounding yourself?

[Lauren Everts]

I have a selfish question for you. Something that I'm struggling with right now is I have a big project that I know I have to do.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, let's.

[Lauren Everts]

Like, let's just for.

[Mel Robbins]

Why do you have to do it?

[Lauren Everts]

Because it's something that's in me. I have to do it.

[Mel Robbins]

It's.

[Lauren Everts]

And I have to. I think if I do it, it'll help everything else.

[Mel Robbins]

Is it personal or professional?

[Lauren Everts]

Professional.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Lauren Everts]

And I have it conceptualized in my head and I want to get it out of me. But every day I make an excuse why not to do it. And you would not believe how I procrastinate.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Lauren Everts]

I am, like, cleaning the closets for floorboards before I want to do this.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, my God.

[Lauren Everts]

I will do everything on the to do list.

[Mel Robbins]

That's how you know you have something important to you. You are actually organizing the junk drawer. That's been fine for two years.

[Lauren Everts]

My underwear drawer is flawless.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, so.

[Lauren Everts]

So how do I get myself there? And why am I so resistant?

[Mel Robbins]

I love this question, the resistance. I think we have a very interesting relationship to the dreams that we have. And I love that you have something, because I think everybody needs something that they are excited and kind of scared to be working on. You need something that helps you to get out of bed that's bigger than what you're doing right now, because it gives you this sort of directional signal that helps you move towards something that is bigger than the day to day that you're slogging through. So I think these kinds of things, whether it's writing a book or it's starting a podcast, or it is just learning how to build an app in AI or learning how to make money online, even having children or having children or anything like you want to plan. How could I possibly pay for life and become a travel blogger? Like, how could I do that? Just declaring that is so important to yourself because it gives you a way to pick your head up out of the day to day and see something larger.

[Lauren Everts]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

So that's, number one, how you deal with the resistance. And the resistance is normal, because the resistance is this kind of buffer space between who you are right now and what this would require of you. And so the resistance is a really good thing because it's a signal that you're about to literally change and move in a new direction. And you should expect that it's there. I live in an area of the country where there's snow, and I think a lot about that resistance, like waking up in the morning and there's a fresh foot of snow. A snowplow comes and has to plow through the snow to make a path. You should not see the resistance as something that is stopping you, but rather it is the beginning of you doing something new. And the resistance has to be moved through because you're going to be forging new thinking patterns.

[Lauren Everts]

Did you have the resistance when you started writing this book? Because, I mean, it's blown up. Did you know that this was the compass of where you had to go? And was there a resistance towards it?

[Mel Robbins]

I hate writing books. Cause I'm super dyslexic and my thoughts go so fast that it's really hard to get them from here down my arm. And so the process of writing a book, especially while we're doing a podcast, at the size that we do this production.

[Michael Bostic]

How many days does your show come out now?

[Mel Robbins]

Two.

[Michael Bostic]

Two days a week.

[Mel Robbins]

That's a lot.

[Michael Bostic]

Sorry, guys.

[Mel Robbins]

And I felt a lot of it. Because here's the thing, at the time I started writing it, I was 55. And I don't want to do more. I'd like to stay married. I mean, Chris and I have been married for 29 years. I love what I do for a living, but I want more time with my family and friends. I don't want to take on another thing. And I know that something the size of a book throws your life into turmoil if you're gonna go head first at something. And I also know my brain is so disorganized. I am just the classic creative. If you were to put 30 mice in a cardboard box and tip it over in the studio, that's what my mind is like. And so trying to get myself organized and knowing what chaos that would create in my marriage, like, that's what the resistance was. And I also, when I first started, like, really working on the book, I Thought it would be one of those books that was sort of like, you know, the books you buy at like a gift store, they're like this big and you put them in a bathroom and it's like reading a graduation speech.

[Lauren Everts]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I thought the concept was super simple, so I kind of thought that maybe it would be a simple thing. And so when I started also just pushing forward, I started to realize, oh, wait a minute, this is really complicated. Oh, wait a minute, this has got so much reason. Oh, wait a minute. This has so many applications. This is a whole different thing. So the resistance is super important. So is the cringe, by the way. So one of the things that I think a lot about is everybody's so worried about looking cringy. That's the price of entry. Like, if you're not willing to look cringey, you're not gonna be successful.

[Lauren Everts]

Yep.

[Mel Robbins]

Cringe is what it feels like when you plow through the resistance of putting up your first influencer video and then you hit post and you're like, like that's a sign that you've moved in a new direction.

[Michael Bostic]

And by the way, with the way all these new interest based algorithms exist, like even people that are established, you put something up and all, and one thing goes crazy. The next thing gets four things and you're like, yes, but. But you just have to keep going.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Okay, so to your answer and to somebody who may feel this. Now let's talk about how you get things done. I don't know what the project is, but I believe in something called the Hot 15.

[Lauren Everts]

Oh, what's the Hot 15?

[Mel Robbins]

You can get just about anything done over time in 15 minutes a day.

[Lauren Everts]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

And for me, that's digestible. For me, anything that I have ever wanted to do that was moving my life in a new direction. I got very serious about my morning routine, and I love morning routines only because it's a constant that you can come back to at any moment. And, you know, if you're looking to make a major change and let 2026 be the best year of your life, I will walk you through the things that I do at the end of every year, and then I will tell you exactly what you should do as the first move to help you be more successful in making whatever change it is that you want to make stick.

[Lauren Everts]

Let's walk our audience through what they should do. Is it an audit? Is it an inventory? Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

So the first mistake that everybody makes is we are so desperate for a clean slate that we jump right into the Resolution right into the new year. Do not do that. What I want you to do instead is I want you to take a minute and I want you to audit this last year. And here's how you're gonna do it. Get your phone or your laptop and pull your photos out and pull your calendar out. And you're gonna ask yourself questions like, what were some of the best things that happened to me this year? And then look at January, look at your calendar, and then look at the photos because you forgot. And your life has the answers. And so you're gonna see, oh, wow. I was happy in March. Oh, interesting. I spent more time with friends. Oh, I had a terrible May. Oh, wow. I don't see myself outside in any of these photos. And your life holds the clues. And then you're gonna ask yourself, what did I learn this year? And then I always ask myself, what am I gonna stop doing? What am I gonna start doing? And what am I gonna continue doing?

[Lauren Everts]

What are some things that Mel Robbins stops, starts, and continues? What's on that list?

[Michael Bostic]

Maybe even just this year, things you stopped and things you started.

[Mel Robbins]

I haven't done the audit yet, but one of the things that I stopped doing is I stopped accepting speaking arrangements because Jay Shetty's a really good friend of mine, and we had a conversation two years ago that really stuck with me about time and that time and energy, those are your two most valuable resources. And that he was talking about how one of his big goals for the year that can't remember which year it was, was to really carve out more time where he's not doing things for other people or for the current business, but he's actually carving out time and space to create. And I was really inspired by that. And then I looked at the upcoming year, and I'm like, fuck, I can't do that. I've overcommitted. And so I. Cause speaking engagements tend to book 18 months to a year out.

[Lauren Everts]

And so you feel like, oh, my gosh, it's 18 months away.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lauren Everts]

Here's a Lauren hot tip that I do. If I wouldn't do it tomorrow, it's a no for me. That's. I run everything through that. If I look 18 months down the. Down the road and someone invites me to a party and I wouldn't go tomorrow, it's a no.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep. Well. And also even more, you've got to understand that your life will be very different 18 months from now. And you're gonna be pissed off you said yes.

[Lauren Everts]

Yep.

[Mel Robbins]

And so one of the stop things was I'm gonna stop taking any kind of speech unless it has certain crazy criteria to it. And that was incredibly helpful because it gave me tons of time back start doing. Start resistance training. Because especially for my age and the way that women have been gaslit around being very, very thin. We're not little men. Our physiology is completely different. I always used to exercise on an empty stomach. Turns out you spike your cortisol when you do that and you actually works against your body biology and it makes you store fat. And so all those decades I was busy doing cardio and doing yoga on an empty stomach, I was actually working against myself. And so one of the things I started doing was I've really prioritized protein. One thing that really makes me angry about protein and the way that it's marketed to women is that collagen is not protein. Everybody.

[Michael Bostic]

Yep. Not.

[Mel Robbins]

It does not count toward your protein count. And so I'm scooping in the collagen.

[Michael Bostic]

That's why all these bars that come out with protein collagen. I'm like, that's not gonna be.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't have the amino acids. I didn't know any of this. And so one of the things I started doing was getting way more educated about that market and about women's physiology and about resistance training.

[Lauren Everts]

Are you doing like three eggs before you work out? What are you eating?

[Mel Robbins]

It depends. If I. And I always used to tell myself a story that I would have a stomach ache if I did that. I can't exercise. It's not true. Even a pinch of a banana. If I am running out the door and I have to get to a 6am class or I'm running out the door to go walk the dogs, signals to your body, hey, I'm good. I had food. We don't have to be in a stressed out state right now.

[Michael Bostic]

I got a good one for you that you're going to like. Spoonful of organic honey. Even the one from Beekeepers with the royal jelly before you work out.

[Mel Robbins]

Who a roll of jelly, a royal jelly. A royal.

[Michael Bostic]

But the royal. And you do that spoonful before you work out, you'll get a great workout.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. And more so local honey. It helps with your allergies.

[Michael Bostic]

Yeah, but a lot of like again, like you do that with a little bit of food, you're going to be.

[Mel Robbins]

But I love eggs and kimchi. Or I, I eat a ton of protein.

[Lauren Everts]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

I'll make a protein shake. I'll do whatever. I don't like the bars.

[Lauren Everts]

So what's your thing you're going to continue doing?

[Mel Robbins]

The thing that I was gonna continue doing?

[Lauren Everts]

You cut out the speaking, selling a shitload of books. You upped the protein.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, you know, I've really been working on managing my energy and frustration levels at work. I'm a very. I hold myself to an extraordinarily high level of excellence. Not perfectionism, excellence. Like, have I done my best work? And if I'm on a day where I only have 30% effort to give and I give 30%, that's excellence. But the thing that I've been working on on the other side of it is that can I be world class in terms of my standards for myself and the way I am always pushing myself to be more innovative or to be more impactful or to do things in a way that is as effective but takes less time because we're using new tools or we bring in different skill sets. But can I also do that and be a person that is warm? Can I do that? And when somebody screws up, whether it's a partner or it's a person that works for me, can I give the direct feedback, but also assume good intent, like they're not meaning to screw up? And so can I control the way that I allow work stress?

[Lauren Everts]

So you're continuing to work on that?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Lauren Everts]

What? Are there any other things that people who are listening need to do in the audit? Or is it those?

[Mel Robbins]

Those things give you so many clues about what worked, right? About what didn't work. It might be I'm not going to spend as much money, like, just partying. Whoa. I bought way too much shit this year. And here I am complaining that I have no money. I'm going to go through my subs. This is going to be the year I start taking money seriously.

[Michael Bostic]

Let's look at your Amazon account this year, next year we could look at that. We could audit that.

[Mel Robbins]

So it could be anything. Because what. Because what you don't want to do is run into next year and think that you're going to change all this shit without taking a look at what worked and what didn't work and being honest with yourself about where you are. And it's very informative because you forgot so many amazing things that happened and you also forgot shit that went wrong.

[Lauren Everts]

I think those are great tips.

[Michael Bostic]

Amazing tips. I have, like, a little bit of a gear switch. Something you mentioned earlier about going on a date, and it was like, in this conversation and, like, not really sure if it's the person or not. You had a viral moment talking about telltale signs when you found the one.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Michael Bostic]

You've been married for a long time. We've been together for a long time. We have two camps of friends now.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay.

[Michael Bostic]

We have the camp of friends that are married with their person.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Michael Bostic]

And, you know, are doing that. And then we have the other camp that is like, I can't find anyone. I'm on the dating apps, switching all the time.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Michael Bostic]

Saying that they just can never find the one. I want you to talk about, like, how you know when there's the potential for the one.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, there's always the potential for the one. And if you're obsessively on the apps, I want to ask you, do you talk to people as you're standing in a line at the coffee shop? If you're at the bar, are you waiting for somebody to approach you or are you talking to other people? Like, the apps just create an opportunity to connect in real life. But there's thousands of people around you every day. Have you thought a lot about the kinds of things that you want to be doing with your person? Whether it's hiking or running or painting or playing on a pickleball league? Are you doing it now? Because if you're not living your life in real life being open to meeting somebody, you can't blame the apps. And if you're not willing to go first, you can't be angry that somebody else isn't coming up to you. And if you're not also engaged in the activities that you are waiting to do with a person that you hope enjoys those things, one of the most important things to do is get in a running group now. Get in a pickleball league now. Because now you're putting yourself in proximate relation with other people that enjoy those things. And even if your person doesn't happen to be in the, you know, tournament that you're in this weekend where you're meeting a bunch of people, the people who are in the tournament know people.

[Lauren Everts]

I just got the best slippers. They're so beautiful. I really love a good slipper. They're by Cozy Earth. You may have heard about Cozy Earth because I've talked about their bamboo sheets, which are insane. They're created from bamboo, which keeps you really cozy and warm without overheating. Actually, I found out that bamboo helps you sleep several degrees cooler, which you want. This is perfect for snuggling on winter nights and waking up feeling refreshed. So what I would grab from this brand is for sure their slippers. I would grab their bamboo sheets and then I also got the most beautiful gray cashmere blanket. But my kids love this blanket. It's called the Bubble Cuddle blanket and we have family movie night every single Friday. We do like the best buttered coconut oil popcorn with a little M M's in there and we cuddle up under this bubble cuddle blanket. It's like a ultra soft faux fur and it's amazing. It's kind of like a mid weight. So it's a little bit of, just a little bit of weight which is so nice and it's the best family blanket. So if you're looking to add a touch of luxury to your room and get a cozy blanket for someone during the holidays, this is a good one. This is one of those sites, Cozy Earth that you're going to go on and you're going to find all the holiday gifts that your heart desires. Whenever I'm on their site I'm like sending links to Michael. Give the gift of everyday luxury. This holiday season head to cozyearth.com and use our code skinny for up to 40% off. Just be sure that you guys place your order by December 12th for guaranteed Christmas delivery. If you're listening, after the 12th, don't worry, our code still works year round for 20% off cozyearth.com code skinny and if you get a post purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here so many times during the day. I just want a drink that feels real. Something bubbly and cultured that tastes great and actually heals my gut. That's why I've been drinking so much Synergy Kombucha. Both at the studio and at home. Our fridge is always stocked with Synergy. Here's the thing. This is real Kombucha. No shortcuts. It's always raw and never pasteurized. Synergy is made with real organic ingredients that you can see and taste and that's how you know they're working. You're getting scientifically backed benefits with every sip. Like gut health, digestive support, immunity and protein absorption, Synergy is the OG Kombucha and I've always loved their story, which goes back 30 years. Founder GT Dave first began brewing in his parents kitchen in 1995 after his mother's breast cancer diagnosis. Inspired by her recovery and the healing powers of kombucha, he kept perfecting the recipe and eventually shared it with the world. That very same recipe is what you'll still find on shelves today. Crafted with authenticity and trusted for its real benefits, each bottle delivers 9 billion living probiotics across a diverse spectrum of beneficial bacteria you won't find in your average supplement. That diversity comes naturally from the way each batch is slowly fermented. These living cultures work hard to help your gut thrive. And when your gut microbiome is more diverse, the benefits multiply, all working to make your gut feel better. It's a daily reset for your body, any time of day that you'll actually feel. And Senergy doesn't just improve your wellness, it also tastes great. There are over 20 bold flavors, so you'll definitely find one that you love. I've been into Synergy forever, and I usually gravitate towards the tropical flavors. But this fall I've been reaching for more flavors that celebrate the season. Honeycrisp, apple, cranberry, blood orange. They really have a flavor for everyone. Each one is tangy, vibrant, and naturally bubbly. There's a party in every bottle. There's a reason Kombucha is my go to. And of course course there's a reason it's always synergy. They were the first bottled kombucha, paving the way for Kombucha as we know it, and it's been the number one in the US and worldwide for over 30 years. So sip it, love your gut, and feel the power of Kombucha when it's crafted the right way. The Senergy team can't wait for you to experience the gut health benefits of real kombucha, so they're treating you to a free bottle. Just slide into Energy Kombuchas DMS on Instagram and send them the code Synergieskinny to claim your coupon. That's Energicombucha on Instagram. Drop the code and sip on your complimentary bottle while supplies last. This episode is brought to you by Neiman Marcus. Ah, I love Neiman Marcus. I always have. It's one of those stores that you walk in during the holidays and you just feel something so nostalgic and warm. But most importantly, they have the best categories. So think gourmet goodies. The best IT bags, elegant timepieces, stunning jewelry, and the ultimate stocking stuffers. I even have found the best coffee table books there. My favorite find there was I found this huge gorgeous Barbie book for Zaza. She has it in her room now and it's the most gorgeous book I've ever found on Barbies. It dates back to like, I want to say the 1950s you can just tell how much Neiman Marcus curates their holiday gift guides. They also have and this is really cool legendary fantasy gifts, which are one of a kind items that surpass every expectation. And if you guys need a little bit of help, New and Marcus style advisors make finding the perfect gift at every price point completely effortless. Like I said, they've thought of everything when it comes to comes to shopping. You can shop in store or online. I like to do both. I kind of like to mix it up. But if you're looking to be so efficient, obviously you can go online. If you're looking for gifts that are guaranteed to surprise and delight, head to Neiman Marcus. Black Friday Cyber Monday is coming in hot. If you go to shopskinnyconfidential.com you can shop all your favorites for 30% off site wide. There is no code necessary. I should also let you know we have TSC Pilates socks that you get for free with each purchase while supplies last. What I would get if you are on the site is I would for sure grab the mint roller. That's a no brainer. It's such a good gift. I would get a couple of those for your friends, for your family. And then the brow peptide, which is my personal favorite product we have has completely transformed my brows and my lashes. How I use it is I have it. So stack it with my skincare routine. So in the morning I just brush my brows as the last step. And then at night before I go to bed, before I put on my mouth tape, I put on my brow peptide. And what's in the brow peptide is castor oil, which encourages hair growth. I've noticed a really big difference in my brows the most. But also lashes. It has a peptide in it, so it's minimal ingredients. And then I also feel like you have to grab the mouth tape. We have navy mouth tape now and we have cream mouth tape. That is such a fun gift to give all your friends and it's affordable. So you can go on the site shop 30 off site wide. Just go to shopskinnyconfidential.com and you want to shop the sale quick because Pilates socks, they're so cute. I wore mine the other day. They say TSC on them. They have like a navy stripe. And it's only why supplies last. Go to shopskinnyconfidential.com and grab all your favorites at 30% off. What about people who are expecting perfection from the other person?

[Mel Robbins]

I mean you're an idiot. Who is perfect. Like that's ridiculous. I have.

[Lauren Everts]

I have a friend that was like, I am not gonna date that girl. She has the worst teeth. Those are snaggletooth teeth. Those are so gross. And I looked at him and I said, smile. He smiles. He has snaggletooth teeth. You cannot expect, oh, man. Someone to have a perfect white smile when you yourself have snaggletooth teeth. You cannot expect someone to be witty, funny, make a ton of money when you yourself are not doing those things well.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, I think the, the bigger question to ask yourself is, are you looking for somebody that's going to look good in a photo or are you looking for somebody that you can create a good life with and people can learn skills? So if you're dating somebody who's sloppy, or if you have met somebody and you don't know because they don't know how to cook, people can learn skills. And if you idolize your parents relationship, because they have a beautiful relationship. I say this to my daughters in particular all the time. Your dad is an amazing human being. He is my favorite person on the planet, hands down. I like him more than I like myself. But you're looking at a man who's 56. When I met your father and he was 25, he was not fully baked. And there are gonna be things that you would have loved about him and things that you would be complaining about him. And so here's what's actually important. What's really important is, number one, your person, if you're gonna build a good life with them, is the person you're gonna go through the good times and the bad times with. It's the person that you're gonna go through the highs and the lows with. And so the number one thing that is important is that when you come in from a day at work or a day at school and you know, the world is so overwhelming right now. When you walk through that door, is your person home base? Can you drop your shoulders? Can you stop pretending? Can you be yourself? Can you be who you're not? This person isn't there to fix everything for you. This person energetically, in my opinion, is somebody that allows you to just drop your shoulders and just be. So that's number one. Number two, there's really great research that can really help you navigate what's important, what's not important. Because there's a couple that's married, the Gottmans, they have this really famous research institute, the Gottman Institute. They're like the OGs. They're like 89.

[Lauren Everts]

I want to interview Them.

[Mel Robbins]

You should, because they're adorable. And all they do is look at what makes for a successful relationship and what also doesn't. So 69% of the stuff you argue about with your person, it's never going away. Oh, never going away?

[Lauren Everts]

Really, Mel? Really? Come on.

[Michael Bostic]

It's always going to be there.

[Mel Robbins]

It's always going to be there because you're not the same human being. And. And you're. You're. You're going. And part of going through life. And by the way, the mark of a good couple is not whether or not they argue. See, people that don't argue are in trouble because they're not talking.

[Michael Bostic]

See, you hear that? YouTube. If all the people commenting that we.

[Lauren Everts]

I like to get it out on the wall and throw it against the wall and see what happens.

[Michael Bostic]

They go, what is going on with this couple?

[Mel Robbins]

If you can argue in a way that leads to resolution versus arguing at each other and making each other wrong and leading to you going to your corners, that is a sign of a very healthy relationship. Because life isn't going to be perfect and people are annoying and the people you love annoy you the most. Like, that's why we have families.

[Lauren Everts]

Like when you lock me out of the bathroom when I have to get into the shower to get my stuff.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Well, he's taking a dump. What are you doing?

[Lauren Everts]

You're pretending the shower's on. I'm so good.

[Michael Bostic]

No, I just. Can I have four minutes in the house without either a kid or a wife or somebody?

[Mel Robbins]

No, but. So what I was going to say is we have families because it teaches you how to love people you hate sometimes. And you are going to hate the person that is your person at times, but you can still love them at the same time. So here's what's important, though, everybody, is that if the person that you meet has 80% of the things that matter. And let's talk about what matters. Here's what matters. Are they loyal? Do they have longstanding friendships? Do they have a good relationship with their family? Do they treat the people that wait on you kindly? Are they a person that speaks to you in a way that makes you feel good about yourself? These are the things that matter. Because the hair is going to go, the belly is going to come, life's going to go up and down, the weight is going to shift, shit's going to hit the fan, you're going to have money, you're going to lose. Like, all of that is coming. Can you do all that with this person? And if the person has the values and is a good person, then they are probably your person. Now, here's what people get wrong. If you're with somebody and being with them requires you to give up on one of your dreams or requires you to go against your values. So, for example, your partner's not sure if they want kids, but you want kids. And you know that. But you think that you might be able to just convince them over time. That is a very dangerous relationship to be in. Because what the research shows from the Gottmans is that the things you compromise on that make you give up on your dream to move to London or your dream to move back to the small farming town to raise your kids near your family, or the dream to have a business of your own, if you have to give up on those things to be with this person, this is not your person. Because you, in giving up that dream, will start to resent the person as the reason why you did. And it's going to lead to you breaking up, to you getting divorced, and to you being older and then going, fuck, I wish I had done that. I wish I had really recognized that.

[Michael Bostic]

I was gonna say when you were talking. A lot of wasted time.

[Mel Robbins]

A lot of wasted time.

[Lauren Everts]

One of the reasons that I fell in love with Michael initially is he was one of the first guys that didn't try to dim my shine. And he put a pedestal under me while I was shining. And I think that you're so right about that. If someone wants to rip that from underneath you, it's.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And the thing is, is that your family. If your family doesn't like the person. Let's presume we're dealing with a situation where your family is relatively normal. I'm not talking about, like, an abusive situation or, you know, you have a really, really, like, difficult, challenging family dynamic. But if you've got a pretty good relationship with your family and your family doesn't like the person, and not for discriminatory reasons, they just. They're like, really, like. I don't really like how you. Lauren, you don't seem like when your family starts saying to you, you don't really seem like yourself. That's not a good thing. Because your family wants you to be happy. And I will tell you, as a mom, it is so clear when your child is in a relationship with somebody who brings out the best of them, and when they're in a relationship where your child is suddenly not themselves. And I'm not saying not themselves like they're exercising and they're doing great things.

[Michael Bostic]

And they're all a timely clip that I might.

[Mel Robbins]

I mean, because I'm not saying they get healthier habits. I'm saying your sister starts withdrawing. She's not seeing her friends anymore. She seems like really timid and not wanting to do the things that she used to do. She's getting unhealthier and unhealthier. And this isn't who you know your sister to be. And so when your family, who you love, starts saying, you know, you don't really seem like yourself, they're saying there is something going on in this relationship that is changing you in a way that is scaring me because I see you disappearing and not in a good way. When you are with somebody who, to your point, you feel like brings out the best in you, you see that in somebody and it doesn't even mean that they have to make you a better version of yourself. You just see the person you know being themselves and you see the person that they're with being incorporated into their life. Because a great relationship expands your life. It actually brings more friends into your world, it brings more family into your world, it brings more new hobbies into your world. A relationship that's not good for you starts to shrink. It.

[Lauren Everts]

Woo. That's actually.

[Michael Bostic]

I'm gonna have to use this clip though.

[Lauren Everts]

Before you go, can you look at the camera in the audience? Everyone go watch the YouTube and can you give them a couple of tips? Maybe it could even be from this episode to kick off their year for the best year yet.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. So first of all, do an audit of. First of all, I want you to do an audit of the year so that you really start the year with the data from what worked this past year. And what worked you do more of. And what didn't work, you do less of. It's that simple. And then the way that I want you to think about goals is I want you to just think about what area of your life no longer feels the way you want it to feel. And me personally, I only do kind of one big thing because I think when you have too many things that you say you're gonna change this year, you change nothing.

[Michael Bostic]

Agree?

[Mel Robbins]

Because if everything's important, nothing is. And so you have to think singularly if you want to be successful. And so if this is gonna be the year of health, if this is gonna be the year where you get serious about how you're going to become more financially secure, you're gonna either you're gonna really like, take this on. Cause you're tired of being paycheck to paycheck. You're tired of watching other people make money. You know you can figure this out. But you also know that you got a lot of changes to make. Both with your spending, both with the way you think about money, both with educating yourself. You know you're capable of changing anything for the better over time. You cannot convince me otherwise. Through the settings in your mind, through the actions that you take, through all the free resources that are out there, through shows like this, you can figure out what you need to do. And you can also learn how to push yourself through the resistance to do it. So really define what is the singular thing you're gonna make this year about? Okay. And then what I want you to do is I always start with the morning routine, because you can come back to it. And the morning routine needs to be something that you can do in 15 minutes or less, because you can always add onto it on mornings that are busy. But 15 minutes or less that you could do in a hotel room, you could do at your parents house, you can do on a weekend getaway with your girlfriends, you can do anytime. And it's something that helps you wake up into the day and feel like yourself. For me, it's simple. I get out of bed when the alarm rings. I make my bed and I make my bed. Even in the hotel this morning, I made my bed even though I was checking out. I make my bed. Why? Because it makes me feel like myself. I then go to the bathroom, I brush my teeth, I look myself in the eyes in the morning and I think, okay, what's the one thing that matters to me? Sometimes it's work related, sometimes it's related to the thing that I really deeply care about. And sometimes it's personal. Like for literally two months, one of the things that kept popping up is I have to finish the photo album for my dad's 80th birthday trip to Peru, which was 18 months ago. I have to do that today. And it would come up and then I would do one thing that day. And this is the hot 15. The hot 15 for me, and this is why I love morning routines, is can you find 15 minutes today to advance the ball on that one thing? Because if you can carve out 15 minutes to watch a YouTube video or to research what book you should read on the topic, you know, for those of you that don't have mentors, start reading biographies and autobiographies 100%. There's your mentors right there. And they Will show you the formulas, they will show you the changes to make. They will show you what kind of mindset. It's extraordinary the amount of information you can get for free, free at your local library or online.

[Michael Bostic]

Selfishly, who are some of or what are some of your favorite biographies or autobiographies?

[Mel Robbins]

Oh my God. Andre Agassi was fantastic.

[Michael Bostic]

Open. Love that book.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh my God. You know, Well, I personally loved Michelle Obama's book Becoming. I loved. I'm trying to think of some older ones that I've read. Steve Jobs, the book on Steve Jobs. I mean, I.

[Michael Bostic]

Is there a type of person you look for? Is it like a business leader, a political leader, an athlete?

[Mel Robbins]

I think you can learn from everybody. I was in the airport bathroom the other day and there was a woman cleaning the bathroom who was operating with a level of excellence that was world class. Her energy was a bluebird sky. She was singing a song, good morning, waving to people. She had a level of excellence for herself and for the world that we all need. That is a person I can learn from and be inspired by. The number of people that walk by a human being cleaning a bathroom in a public restroom and do not even acknowledge that person is deplorable. And despite that, like, just think about how difficult that job is, how thankless it is to have a level of excellence and standard for yourself in terms of your energy and the contribution you're making in the world because your energy is contribution. And to show up like that in a thankless job that is a human being we all can learn from. And I certainly do. And so I look for examples everywhere because they are everywhere. And it also depends on what you want in your life. I have become more successful than I ever thought was possible. I already live in a place that I now love. I don't need anything else. I just want more time with my husband and my kids and with my friends. I want to continue to do work that makes a difference and that as I get older, it makes me feel fulfilled and like I'm doing something that matters. When you have an experience in life. I'm so grateful that this happened when I was older. You know, at 41, I almost lost everything that mattered to me. Being almost a million dollars in debt, like tearing my marriage apart. The house that we were living and.

[Michael Bostic]

Your kids were like middle aged, under.

[Mel Robbins]

The age of 10.

[Michael Bostic]

Yeah, three of them. It's so stressful.

[Mel Robbins]

But here's what it does. You don't forget that. And so I'm grateful that all of this success has come later because it proves it's never too late to change your life and to change who you are. It's never too late to change your mindset or to change your habits or to improve your marriage or to have the hard conversations. It's never too late to figure out how to be successful with money.

[Lauren Everts]

And you also have context.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. And on top of that, even with all the success, even being able to get out of debt and to restore the savings and to do things that I never thought I'd be able to do, I know what I value. And so I'm not caught up in more, because I know that this amazing road trip called life, it ends at the exact same point for all of us. I mean, you can't take anything with you. And so at the end of your life, if you've done it well, you will be surrounded by people you love who love you back. And you will be able to reflect on the time that you had, and you will be able to say, I am proud of the person that I was. I'm proud of the friend that I was. I'm proud of the parent that I was and the spouse that I was. I am happy that I allowed myself to be myself. I'm proud of how I use the time. And so I want more time and quality time with the people that I care about.

[Lauren Everts]

It sounds like that's your goal for the next year.

[Mel Robbins]

You know what my goal is? I'm working on that all the time because it's, like, a deep value for me. My goal is to. I've been so focused on building the business and getting out of debt and, you know, being, like, making money. Because when you come from a place of. I almost lost it all. There's a bit of a. I'll just say yes, and I'll just keep building, and I'll just. Like, there's a kind of energy like that that I'm like, okay, you can take a deep breath. You did it. Now, how about you have a different energy around it, and you learn more about investing, and you learn more about the stock market. Like, it may surprise you. Like, I'm very, very conservative when it comes to what I do with my money, because I don't want to lose it again.

[Lauren Everts]

You should talk to Michael. This is his favorite session.

[Michael Bostic]

No, but I mean, let's.

[Lauren Everts]

So he's.

[Mel Robbins]

So I. So my goal for this year is really about just feeling like I developed the same level of excellence and expertise around just what I'm doing in my financial life versus Focusing on getting out of debt and making money and saving money. And, like, you know, there's a book.

[Lauren Everts]

That changed your life.

[Michael Bostic]

We don't have the same story, but we have a similar circumstance where I did very well young, which was like, I guess it's not so common, but I did very well, but then almost like, fully lost everything around 2014, 2015. A lot of, like, stressful, a lot of that stuff. And I resonate with what you were saying about the energy of, like, go, go. Like, you're saying I'm ambitious and I'm driven. Well, a lot of that comes from going up and then down aggressively. People relying on you and then coming back up. But during that time, I, like, I realized the same thing. I was like, I was going, going, going, and I was okay at producing, but I. I needed to educate myself around investing.

[Lauren Everts]

So what's the book?

[Michael Bostic]

And money? Well, listen. Funny. Well, Tony Robbins, book, Money, Master of the game, and he's on the show. We're talking. I think that's a great book. It's dense, but it'll give you, like, those aha moments. And here's the thing. If you're somebody who ever gets anxious about money, which I think everybody who's lost it does, it'll give you the calm. Like, if you can get through some of the number crunching and the stuff that's like, whoa. It'll just give you, like, oh, that's the way to think about it. It'll take the stress about money out of your life.

[Mel Robbins]

The person I just spoke to that I love the most is David Bach, and he has such an important book for women. Do you know the average age of widowhood in the United States is 59?

[Michael Bostic]

Oh, 59.

[Lauren Everts]

Wait, so I'm gonna be a widow, like, without my husband, or he's gonna be without my wife?

[Mel Robbins]

Basically, no. That you would be a widow without your husband. And he basically explained that while cancer diagnosis is the number one cause of bankruptcy in this country, which is deplorable, that that's what's happening.

[Michael Bostic]

Because they have to pay the medical bills or because people just, oh, you.

[Mel Robbins]

Have to pay the medical bills.

[Michael Bostic]

So stressed about.

[Mel Robbins]

You have to pay the medical bills. You can't work, work.

[Michael Bostic]

Terrible.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah, it's terrible. On top of that, women are earning 80 cents on the dollar. A lot of women, on average, are opting out of the workforce for 11 years in order to raise kids. And so that compromises your earning potential. And so if you're in a situation where you have early Widowhood. What also ends up happening is your spouse typically has a health decline and those medical bills then start to destroy the financial savings. And now you're in a situation where it's later in life and you've been out of the workforce and now all of a sudden you're a widow and you're not in the position that you thought you were going to be in. And so he has very accessible and important stuff you should have him on. He's a fabulous interviewer. I mean, David Bunco. David. He's written 10 New York Times number one bestsellers, and his first book was all about women because his grandmother. In the Depression, he and his grandmother, his grandmother took control of their finances and they were able to retire with a million dollars. And so he teaches people how to. Through incremental savings, which is possible today to, you know, really set yourself up. It's. He's, He's. You guys would.

[Michael Bostic]

There's also.

[Mel Robbins]

Love him.

[Michael Bostic]

There's also. And this is just as you were talking about, like, death. And I think it's such an. I was reading Bill Perkins book Dire with Zero, which is interesting. And he talks about annuities for people that are kind of doing well. And right. Right now, people are doing well. Or you can put some money aside if you want to guarantee yourself a certain kind of cash flow or income month to month. It's like the reverse of a life insurance policy. Like, you have to put some money up front into it, but it guarantees you a certain amount of cash flow depending on what you put. Again, we won't go down that route.

[Mel Robbins]

That.

[Michael Bostic]

But, but it's interesting because I just think people, especially if, if women or men are stressed about that potential, you at least would know that you had guaranteed an income for yourself.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. Yeah.

[Lauren Everts]

Anyways, if you haven't bought her book.

[Mel Robbins]

You should buy for your family. Well, this is one of the reasons why there's three people left that haven't bought the book. No, but. But here's one of the reasons why. First of all, it's super entertaining. Secondly, you immediately feel less stressed because it helps you deal with the biggest form of stress in your life, which are other people.

[Lauren Everts]

You can open it to any page, too. What I've found is I can open it to any page and I can bookmark something and find a tidb and move on with my day. Like, I don't think you have to read it front to back. Like, I sometimes, like, will be in the morning with my son for 15 minutes. I get five pages and you can highlight it, you can go back to it. It really is one of those books.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And if you want to be more stoic, if you want to feel more in control, if you want to feel more peace, this is a forward tool. Let them. And let me. That will help you do it. And if you're tired of the friction in your family, if you are frustrated because somebody in your life won't change, get them that book. And I will take care of them. Because this book, the reason why it is this successful is because when people read it, they feel better. And you immediately think of five other people who need this because they're either driving you crazy or because you wish they could be less stressed and less frustrated by the people in their life or their job. And it really works.

[Lauren Everts]

Open invite I had 16, 000 other questions that I could have asked. Anytime you want to come.

[Mel Robbins]

I love talking to you.

[Lauren Everts]

Where can everyone find your podcast? And you.

[Mel Robbins]

Congratulations on everything at melrobbins. Wherever you want to find me. Wherever it's fine.

[Lauren Everts]

You're amazing.

[Michael Bostic]

You're amazing.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you.

[Michael Bostic]

Thank you.

[Lauren Everts]

Be sure that you guys go to shopskinnyconfidential.com we are doing Black Friday Cyber Monday and I want you to get everything that you want before everything sells out. Go to shopskinnyconfidential.com.