Episode 212: How can we be brave and embrace conflict?

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: The Smart Communications Podcast

Episode 212: How can we be brave and embrace conflict?

Host: Farrah Trampeter (Big Duck)
Guest: Alta Gracia Montilla (Founder, AM Consulting)
Date: May 27, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode explores the concept of “conflict bravery” in nonprofit organizations. Host Farrah Trampeter interviews Alta Gracia Montilla, an expert in relationship-centered strategies, to discuss how embracing conflict can nurture relationships, foster innovation, and drive meaningful change. The conversation covers practical frameworks, personal stories, cultural barriers, and actionable tips for nonprofit leaders seeking to reframe how their organizations confront and grow from conflict.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Origins of Conflict Bravery

• Alta Gracia’s Background:

  • Raised in the South Bronx, Alta Gracia saw conflict aggression as a survival tool in a context of scarcity ([02:04]).
  • In the nonprofit world, she found conflict avoidance to be the norm, neither of which aligned with her vision for transformative change.
  • Alta Gracia:

    "Conflict avoidance wasn’t also giving what it needed to give. Right. It wasn’t supporting the work." ([02:54])

• Development of a Framework:

  • Created “conflict bravery”: a generative framework for using conflict to nurture relationships and move towards healthier communities.
  • Conflict bravery uses what she calls a “sustainability praxis”:

    “Instead of throwing conflict away, we say, ooh, how can I use this conflict? What is this conflict trying to tell me?” ([03:49])

---

2. Layers and Impacts of Conflict

• Different Types of Conflict:

  • Inner conflict: Within oneself (e.g., conflicting ideas, identity).
  • Interpersonal conflict: Between individuals.
  • Extra-personal conflict: With institutions or systems. ([04:42])

• Generative Approach:

  • Working with conflict at all these levels leads to confidence, deeper relationships, and innovative organizations.
  • Quote:

    “A relationship isn’t living to its full potential until it’s conflict brave.” ([05:13])

---

3. Barriers to Embracing Conflict

• Fear as the Greatest Barrier:
  • People’s early experiences with conflict—often family or institutional—make them afraid to be honest and confront tension ([06:26]).
  • Many organizations, especially those with oppressive histories, reinforce the idea that only those in power can “bring tension to the room.”
  • Avoidance can have physical consequences:
    • Alta Gracia notes examples of extreme hair loss, weight gain, and even tooth loss in conflict-avoidant workplaces ([07:50]).
  • Quote:

    “That discomfort that comes, it’s a somatic experience really, before we even think about it.” ([07:38])

  • Avoidance not only costs well-being but also money—up to $600 billion lost in organizations due to unresolved conflict. ([08:14])

---

4. Signs of a Conflict-Brave Organization

• Feedback Culture:
  • Regular, enthusiastic feedback-seeking and offering
  • People express themselves authentically, even in emails
  • Regular check-ins where people can share who they are beyond their titles ([09:35])
• Visible Ease and Joy:
  • Less anxiety or tension about communication; staff bodies are at ease
  • Innovation and risk-taking are the norm
  • Relationships are deep and joyful
  • Alta Gracia:

    “People are comfortable taking risks, and folks are willing to go there when it comes to their relationship with each other. So I also think there are more joyful spaces.” ([10:23])

---

5. Actionable Tips for Building Conflict Bravery

1. Reflect & Heal

   • Reflect on your earliest and most recent experiences with conflict.
   • Connect the dots and offer yourself forgiveness for old survival strategies ([11:19]).

2. Reprogram & Normalize

   • Start using “conflict brave” language regularly:

     “I can’t wait to be conflict brave. I’m conflict brave. I’m aspiring to be conflict brave.” ([12:13])

3. Practice—Start Small

   • Proactively solicit feedback from colleagues and loved ones.
   • Receive feedback, notice how it feels, and consider what might change.
   • Mental Cardio: Practice discomfort in safe ways (e.g., try a new activity weekly—your “conflict brave bucket list”) to build your capacity to be present in difficult moments ([13:11]).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Alta Gracia Montilla:

  • “A relationship isn’t living to its full potential until it’s conflict brave.” ([05:13])
  • “Conflict avoidance wasn’t also giving what it needed to give. Right. It wasn’t supporting the work.” ([02:54])
  • “That discomfort that comes, it’s a somatic experience really, before we even think about it.” ([07:38])
  • “People are comfortable taking risks, and folks are willing to go there when it comes to their relationship with each other. So I also think there are more joyful spaces.” ([10:23])
  • “Let this be the moment where you start to say, you know what? I’m going to be a little more conflict brave in this world. And for that, thank you.” ([14:07])

• Farrah Trampeter:

  • “I love the joy that comes through as you talk about conflict, which is not always the case for people.” ([06:01])
  • “Your conflict brave bucket list.” ([13:11])

---

Resources & Further Learning

• Alta Gracia Montilla’s Masterclass & Work:
  Visit altagraciamontilla.com for more resources, learning opportunities, and to connect on social platforms ([13:29]).

---

Closing Reflections

Alta Gracia encourages nonprofit professionals and anyone doing “the most important work” to be compassionate with themselves. Embracing conflict is necessary for change and joy—and it begins with brave, small steps every day.

“Comfort with conflict is necessary to create that change. So be kind to yourself as you’re on this journey and let this be the moment where you start to say, you know what? I’m going to be a little more conflict brave in this world.” – Alta Gracia Montilla ([14:03])

---

Transcript

[A]

This is the Smart Communications.

[B]

Smart Communications. Smart Communications Podcast.

[A]

Developing the voices. Developing the voices of determined nonprofits brought

[C]

to you by Big Duck.

[B]

Welcome to the Smart Communications Podcast. This is Farrah Trampeter, co director and worker owner at Big Duck. Today we're going to ask the question, how can we be brave and embrace conflict? And I am delighted to be joined by Alta Gracia Montilla. I'll tell you a little more about her in a moment. I met her actually at a networking event that Big Duck hosted last year following a day long workshop we did on donor communications planning. She came by our happy hour. I was intrigued. She at the time also had some colored hair, which she does not right now, promises me may return. I, uh, and we started talking and we had recently launched an episode on the podcast number 194 with Chianti Love. How can you communicate with candor and care? And as I was talking with Alta Gracia, it was clear that she had some additional thoughts that would be interesting. So we invited her to join us. I'll tell you a little bit about her. She does use she, her pronouns and alto. Gracia is the founder of AM Consulting, co founder of the Seven Spaces Art gallery and Wellness center, and creator of Freedom Readers, a community global book club for freedom dreamers. With over a decade of experience across nonprofit, education and corporate spaces, she designs relationship centered strategies and transformative experiences that strengthen connection and collective well being. Alter. Gracia, welcome to the show.

[C]

Thank you so much for having me.

[B]

Well, as part of your work to support people and organizations, you've created a practice that you call Conflict bravery. And, and that practice helps teams heal their relationship to conflict so it can deepen relationships and drive meaningful change. Let's start there. That's my understanding. You can tell us if that's right. But also, really, what led you to develop conflict bravery?

[C]

Yeah, so what led me to conflict bravery was being caught in between what I knew and was raised to understand about conflict and where I was, which is a nonprofit sector. And recognizing that that wasn't what was there wasn't working for me. So I grew up in the South Bron. I don't know if you heard of a nice, nice, cute place called South.

[B]

Heard of it? You know us Brooklynites, we do travel.

[C]

Yes, yes. Good, good, good. You know, because some folks will. Won't make it that far north. But so, yes, I grew up in the South Bronx and you know, the south. What that means is I grew up in a space where there was a lot of scarcity. And because of that, there, you know, were people who were present who were willing to, you know, defend all that they knew and all that they had. And sometimes that looks like only having their name or their leg, their reputation. And so I grew up in a space where I saw conflict aggression, and I saw conflict seeking as a form of dealing with tension and conflict. Fast forward to me being in the nonprofit sector, where I was oftentimes the youngest, the only woman or a person of color who was leading a team. And I believe in driving change, and I want to see change happen. But I also recognize that in the spaces that I was working in, conflict avoidance was the norm. And so I was caught in between. Okay. I grew up in this, like, conflict aggressive space that isn't going to help me create the change I want to change and isn't going to be aligned with the person I want to be in this world in this lifetime. And then conflict avoidance wasn't also giving what it needed to give. Right. It wasn't supporting the work. So I came up with a framework that allowed us to think of conflict in a very generative way. Not to be afraid of conflict, but to use it as a way to nurture our relationships and move us towards the vision of the kind of world community that we want to build. Yeah. So conflict bravery allows us to think of conflict using what I call a sustainability praxis, where instead of throwing conflict away, we say, ooh, how can I use this conflict? What is this conflict trying to tell me? Let's use it to nurture the soil of our relationships and our work.

[B]

Well, let's talk a little more about that and that connection to community you just mentioned. How do you see confronting these conflicts internally conflicts, interrelated conflicts, conflicts that people have with each other, with systems beyond our community. How does all of this conflict confrontation. Right. In that spirit of conflict aggression and conflict avoidance. So you've got, you know, conflict confrontation, you're bringing in through conflict bravery. How does that help someone?

[C]

Yeah. So I love the way you frame that question because you're naming the different layers that we can experience when it comes to conflict. We have like, that inner conflict, interpersonal conflict with this, my conflict in self, which could look like conflict with ideas, ideology. We have conflict within our relationships with people. And that extra layer is that extra personal conflict. So conflict with an institution, you know, society, norm, it could be a physical space or place in all those levels. When we work with conflicts in a way that is generative, it creates new ways of being and allows us to fulfill our full potential. When it comes to self, that looks like being more confident. It looks like having a strong sense of self. It looks like being more fluid and changing ideas. When we know who we are in our relationships, it looks like I always say that a relationship isn't living to its full potential until it's conflict brave. So when we have a relationship with someone where it's okay to engage in conflict, we're able to really deepen that relationship. And when it comes to systems that extra personal conflict, when we bring conflict bravery to that space, we have the capacity to create change for more belonging, the capacity to exchange for innovation and creativity. So, you know, it unlocks the full potential of what we could be.

[B]

Love it. I love the joy that comes through as you talk about conflict, which is not always the case for people.

[C]

Thank you so much for seeing me for.

[B]

I see it, I feel it. Yeah, I bet people can hear it. You know, conflict is hard. What do you find are the biggest barriers to get people or nonprofit organizations to name the tensions, to be more honest with one another, and to also share accountability for what's happening?

[C]

Yeah, for one, I will say so. So the greatest barrier struggle is fear. It's fear, you know, folks, and this is why the healing part of conflict bravery is so important. And what is often missing in discussions about conflict or candor is that healing piece, right? We think about conflict. When I explore conflict with folks, they're oftentimes moving from a space, a place where they're thinking about their earliest examples of conflict. And you know, I've heard many stories, as you can imagine, Farah. So everything from I saw, you know, my parents fight in the household or, or I'd not or not at all. That's also a challenge, right? Or seeing certain experiences in school. Another one that comes up a lot is folks and their relationship with institutions. Conflict is a threat to status quo. So institutions, especially those that have a history of being oppressive, are threatened by conflict and also create this norm that conflict is something that can only be one sided, where those who have more power over others are the ones who can bring tension to the space and to the room. And so folks are carrying that weight with them when they're thinking about conflict. And that discomfort that comes, it's a somatic experience really, before we even think about it. So that discomfort that comes into their bodies, they're afraid of that. You want to know what's scarier than the discomfort? It's what's at stake. Right. When we do not engage in conflict in generative ways. We lose. Money is one thing, right? There was a study that was done that showed organizations and corporations collectively lose up to $600 billion in a year just to conflict. The time spent on conflict, the energy spent on conflict. On average, there's three hours per person per week lost to conflict. Another challenge is that we see physical impact that conflict avoidance even can have on folks or conflict aggression within the workplace. We have seen in a particular workplace where there was a staff that was experiencing extreme hair loss, weight gain, tooth loss. I hate to say it, but that showed up too. And this was from a space, a non profit space that was conflict avoidant. They were holding the tension in their bodies as opposed to creating safety to let it out. And most spaces aren't that extreme in what they're dealing with, of course, but there is always like the spectrum. We're, we're falling on the spectrum of, of that, right. It's holding that. If it's not that extreme, sometimes it's holding it and bringing it home and not be able to sit still or our nervous system being dysregulated or not being able to focus at the dinner table with our families. Right. So that fear comes up, which is why I believe in bringing joy into the space.

[B]

There you go. And you are, you're doing it.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Well, let's talk about organizations that do that because you're, you're painting a picture certainly of, of people. And again, on that spectrum, some ways you really can tell if an organization's conflict avoidant. You might be able to see it in people and how they're interacting. On the flip side, on that other end of the spectrum, what does it look to see an organization that does embrace conflict as part of their culture? How would, what's a hallmark of that? You see, you know, an organization is doing that when.

[C]

Yeah, see, I'm getting excited again because I'm like. So when we seek organizations that are conflict brave, right. I notice a couple things. One, feedback is a normal part of the way that folks function and people are excited to receive feedback, to solicit feedback. There are regular check ins that allow folks to name and share who they are beyond their titles. There are regular check ins and seasons, as I would call them, for unpacking challenges that are happening within the workplace. There is ease in folks's bodies, right? In the nonprofit space. This is where I see this the most. There are oftentimes persons who will be nervous about sending an email because they're Afraid of how it'll land. So in a space where there is conflict bravery, you see, folks are able to just speak as they speak in an email, you know, as they show up in a space. There is continuous improvement happening regularly. There is innovation that's happening. People are comfortable taking risks, and folks are willing to go there when it comes to their relationship with each other. So I also think there are more joyful spaces. You know, that's just me, Farah.

[B]

Yeah. Bringing it. Bringing it.

[C]

We like joy.

[B]

We had another podcast with my friend and a former client, Alondra Jackson Charles, talking about how can we embrace joy? We'll be sure to link to that episode too, in the transcript for this. We'll bring the joy into the conflict. That's what it's about. Well, on that note, what tips do you have for people who are trying to embrace this conflict bravery and get the courage to say the things that need to be said, do the things that need to be done? You know, let's imagine someone's listening. Whether it's for themselves in their workplace, a workplace they're leading, or just even in their own personal relationships, they're ready to be brave. How can they do that?

[C]

So there's a few things that I would name that is, like, most important instead of my long list of things that I want to offer. Of course, you know, the conflict bravery experience usually happens in three core sections. One is healing our relationship to conflict. The second is reprogramming our relationship to conflict and taking on the identity of becoming conflict brave. And then the third is to practice. So I would offer to folks listening. One, think about your earliest examples of conflict and compare that to your most recent and make the connection between why you showed up the way that you do now, like, what has led to that. Offer yourself comfort and ease and kindness as you forgive yourself in using the practice that has gotten you to this point. Two, I would say start to welcome the language of conflict bravery. Talk about it all the time. I can't wait to be conflict brave. I'm conflict brave. I'm aspiring to be conflict brave. I want this relationship, this workplace, this team to be conflict brave. Right? Like, really normalizing that. I would say also practicing that is that looks like asking folks for feedback and not just in the workplace. So when you go home to the people you love, whether it be your kids, your friends, your family, your romantic partner, your parents, asking, how have I shown up as a. As a community member, as a friend, et cetera, and receiving that feedback, letting it sit in the body, see how you sit with it, reflect on it, and think about what can change. And the similarly, the same things can happen within the workplace. I also believe in doing what I call like mental cardio to allow us to like, massage our capacities and make it easier to show up differently. So what that looks like with conflict bravery, because conflict can have a somatic response. We have a somatic response to conflict. It also helps us to engage in different activities or behaviors that allow a little bit of that somatic experience to happen in a safe way. So on that mental cardio for conflict bravery, it looks like trying new experiences regularly. Like maybe write a list of like 10 things you haven't done, but you can do, I don't know, in any

[B]

given week, your conflict brave bucket list.

[C]

Yeah. Oh yeah, exactly. And once a week, just two, one of those things and just notice how your body feels and reflect on it. And that allows you to kind of build that somatic capacity to be present in those moments where you need to be conflict brave.

[B]

Love it. Well, if you're out there and you'd like to learn more about Alto Gracia's work, including the Conflict Bravery masterclass she teaches, go to altagraciamontia.com that's a L T A G R A C I A M O N T I l l a dot com. You can also find her on LinkedIn, on Threads and Instagram. We're going to link to all of this in the show [e-mail] insights before we go. Alta Gracia, anything else you'd like to share with our listeners? There's coming up for you in this conversation.

[C]

I would say you're doing some of the most important work, at least in my opinion. Right. That there is. And you're creating a meaningful change in this world. And comfort with conflict is necessary to create that change. So be kind to yourself as you're on this journey and let this be the moment where you start to say, you know what? I'm going to be a little more conflict brave in this world. And for that, thank you.

[B]

There you go. Well, thank you so much. And everyone be brave out there.

[A]

Are you a fan of this podcast or Big Duck's other resources on nonprofit communications? If you are, we'd love to hear from. Please drop us a line by writing to helloigduck.com to tell us what you're working on and what topics you need help with. We also welcome getting your feedback via reviews. You can review this podcast wherever you listen. We'd love to hear from you.

[B]

This is the Smart Communications Podcast, Developing the Voices of Determined Nonprofits, brought to you by Big Duck.

[A]

Big Duck is an agency that puts smart communications in the hands of nonprofits. We help our nonprofit clients develop strong brands, strong campaigns, and strong teams that advance their missions and achieve their goals.

[B]

Connect with [e-mail].