The Dallas Show!

Summary

The Smoking Tire Podcast: The Dallas Show!

Hosts: Zack Klapman & Matt Farah
Release Date: August 5, 2025

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1. Live Show Experience in Dallas

The episode kicks off with Zack and Matt welcoming listeners to their live show in Dallas, Texas, held at the Shop Club with an audience of approximately 225 attendees.

Key Highlights:

• Engagement with the Audience: The hosts interact with the crowd, sharing humorous anecdotes and encouraging participation.
• Competition Tease: Zack hints at an upcoming competition between him and Matt to curate the best hypothetical million-dollar car collection themed after Dallas.

Notable Quote:

Matt Farah [01:21]: "Zach and I compete to have a better $1 million Dallas car collection, and boy, do we have some fun cars to roast."

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2. NASCAR and Automotive Trends in Texas

Zack initiates a discussion about NASCAR's evolving presence in Texas, particularly highlighting the shift towards more street circuits, such as the upcoming race at Coronado Air Base.

Key Points:

• Interest in Street Circuits: Zack expresses support for NASCAR's adaptation to street circuits, making the races more engaging.
• Cultural Significance: The conversation touches on NASCAR's deep-rooted American heritage and its impact on local automotive cultures.

Notable Quote:

Zack Klapman [06:43]: "All we need is. But it's all."

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3. Competing Car Collections: Dallas vs. Houston

The hosts engage in a playful competition, each presenting their vision of a million-dollar car collection tailored to Dallas's vibe. Zack begins by listing cars that embody Dallas's high-performance and luxury automotive scene.

Zack’s Dallas Collection:

• Twin Turbo Lamborghini Huracan: Symbolizes Dallas's love for high-speed, performance-oriented vehicles.
• LM002 Quail Rig: A nod to Texas's unique quail hunting culture, showcasing customized, multi-functional vehicles.
• F350 King Ranch Dually: Represents the blend of rugged utility and luxury preferred in Texas trucks.
• Mustang GTD: Emphasizes the classic American muscle car’s prominence in Dallas.
• 1998 C5 Corvette Indy 500 Pace Car: Adds a touch of racing heritage and automotive prestige.

Matt’s Dallas Collection: Matt counters Zack's list with cars that highlight Dallas's underground racing scene and architectural aesthetics, though his detailed list is less prominent in the transcript.

Notable Quotes:

Zack Klapman [21:21]: "I want twin turbos on that thing he just can't seem to get away on."

Matt Farah [16:06]: "These are big cars. These are very good cars."

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4. Audience Stories and Car Roasts

A significant portion of the episode involves audience members sharing their personal automotive stories, particularly focusing on rental car mishaps and unique vehicle modifications. Zack and Matt humorously roast these submissions, providing entertaining commentary.

Highlighted Stories:

• Rental Car Shenanigans: Tales of popping a cherry on a barely driven Ram rental and dancing on a rented Mercury Grand Marquis.
• Unique Car Builds: Discussions about unconventional modifications like Amphicars (car-boat hybrids) and over-the-top customizations.

Notable Quotes:

Audience Member [03:43]: "What?"

Zack Klapman [22:14]: "Who here owns multiple singers and not a 4 GT, what are you doing with your life other than making money?"

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5. Competition Results and Final Thoughts

Towards the end of the show, Zack and Matt reveal their hypothetical car collections for Dallas, with the audience favoring Zack's assessment as more accurately capturing the city's automotive spirit. The hosts reflect on their live show experience, thanking the audience and encouraging continued support through memberships and merchandise.

Key Points:

• Winning Collection: Zack's Dallas-themed collection receives unanimous applause for its alignment with the local car culture.
• Audience Interaction: The hosts acknowledge and appreciate active participation from the audience, fostering a sense of community.
• Closing Remarks: Emphasis on safe driving and gratitude towards Dallas for hosting the live event.

Notable Quote:

Zack Klapman [35:32]: "I think he won two for two. I know you. I know you better than you."

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6. Educational Segment: Criminal Activities and Automotive Culture

In a humorous yet insightful segment, Zack offers a playful lesson on crimes related to automotive culture, emphasizing the importance of responsible behavior.

Key Insights:

• One Crime at a Time: A recurring theme where accumulating multiple minor offenses can lead to significant legal issues.
• Car as Crime Symbolism: How certain car modifications or types can stereotype drivers, leading to profiling and misunderstandings.

Notable Quote:

Zack Klapman [68:03]: "It's called one crime at a time. Okay, You chuckle. This is very important. Nobody gets caught doing one crime."

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7. Sponsored Segments and Advertisements

While the episode includes sponsored messages from Off the Record, Rula, and Delete Me, as per the user instructions, these sections are omitted from the summary to focus on the core content and discussions.

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Conclusion

"The Dallas Show!" episode of The Smoking Tire podcast delivers a dynamic blend of live audience interaction, in-depth automotive discussions, and humorous roasts. Zack Klapman and Matt Farah successfully capture the essence of Dallas's unique car culture, providing both entertainment and insightful commentary for car enthusiasts.

Final Quote:

Zack Klapman [72:31]: "Peace."

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Listeners Who Missed It

For those who couldn't attend the live show, this episode offers a comprehensive look into Dallas's automotive scene, enriched with engaging conversations, real-life car stories, and the hosts' signature humor. Whether you're a NASCAR fan, a car customization enthusiast, or simply enjoy automotive banter, "The Dallas Show!" has something for everyone.

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Stay connected and explore more car reviews at www.youtube.com/thesmokingtire. Follow the hosts on Twitter @thesmokingtire and @zackklapman, and on Instagram @thesmokingtire and @fakezackklapman for updates and behind-the-scenes content.

Transcript

[Matt Farah]

What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Smoking Tire Podcast. Today's episode is brought to you, as always, by off the Record.

[Zach Klapman]

You gotta have off the Record.

[Matt Farah]

It's like saying you gotta have a lawyer, but it's saying that you're gonna have a lawyer for everywhere in the country. That's what's important, right? You have the right to defend yourself if you're accused of a moving violation, a big one or a small one. And in that case, you're not gonna do as good of a job as. As a qualified attorney. But where do you get one? That's where off the Record comes in. Almost everywhere in the entire United States. If you get pulled over, you can go to offtherecord.com TST and rather than pleading guilty to that moving violation, you can send it to off the Record. They'll set you up with an attorney who will fight that ticket, get those points off your record, maybe beat the thing entirely, and that way you won't have increased insurance premiums, you won't have potentially an issue with your employment if you drive for a living, and on and on. Don't plead guilty. Get off the record. Go to offtherecord.comtst to get 10% off all legal services booked through off the Record.

[Zach Klapman]

Right? Great.

[Matt Farah]

Now, on today's episode, Zach and I are in Dallas, Texas, live in front of an audience of about 225 people at the Shop Club. This show is super, super fun. I teach Dallas about sidewalks. Zach and I compete to have a better $1 million Dallas car collection, and boy, do we have some fun cars to roast. This is a great show. These live shows were awesome, and I hope you enjoy it as much on that end as we enjoyed doing them in Dallas, Texas. It's the Smoking Tire Podcast.

[Zach Klapman]

Has anyone considered teaching the pavers to operate power plants here? That seems like one of those things that. Cause they seem pretty good at their jobs, actually. It's very smooth tarmac. We rolled a Chrysler Pacifica. Any Pacifica fans? Wow, you are so enthusiastic. This guy loves his van. Something special happened to him in that van. Oh, you rented it? That's the best kind of Chrysler Pacifica. I revealed this last night. And for people at home listening to the show, sorry for the repetitive story, but our Chrysler Pacifica was delivered to us at George bush Airport with 11 miles on it. First rental pop in the cherry, baby. There was yellow chalk marks on the tires. Oh, it's such a beautiful thing. I mean, especially in a place where you're so likely to have, you know, black mold in your air filter and whatever. But man, who's ever gotten. Who's ever popped a cherry on a rental car here? Anybody? You have, sir. First hand up what, tell me what kind of car was it? A ram. 1500. Four miles. How did that even make it to the fact from the factory to the rent on and off the trains and shit is going to be at least that.

[Christian James Hand]

Wow.

[Zach Klapman]

Four miles. And did you celebrate your brand new car by doing something to it you probably shouldn't? Nodding. What did you do? Allegedly. Of course you crashed it.

[Audience Member]

What?

[Zach Klapman]

Oh shit. You know what? My karma for getting rental cars is equal to my karma at calling on people. I found the guy who crashed a brand new rental truck. You're welcome.

[Audience Member]

How embarrassed for you to go back to the desk and go, I crashed the Ram into something.

[Zach Klapman]

Sure it was. If they had that new AI, they didn't notice. That's a delight. If they had them new AI scanners, you'd be fold. So there's a guy I know, his name is Brat. Sarah might have heard of him. I don't know. Rented a Mercury Grand Marquis. You guys know about the Grand Marquis, right? It's the Crown Vic's classy cousin and it's the PI cousin of the Crown Vic. And this person, what was his name? Brat May have gotten very drunk and danced a tango on the roof of the Mercury and was very, very concerned. This friend when return turning the car that this was going to be a very expensive problem until the check in person arrived and she was 5 foot 1. Crisis averted. Boarding Miami 2 jet to LAX. See ya.

[Audience Member]

Dance like no one is watching because they're not tall enough to actually see where you were dancing.

[Zach Klapman]

Right. Zach, is your panic attack. It is.

[Audience Member]

We are operational.

[Zach Klapman]

Boy, is that a shitty thing to have to do in front of an audience. Wow. Okay, so we have some like. We have like bits. We have like things. But yeah, let's just do some. Let's just do that. Yeah, I've used up all of my filler because you took way too long doing this and you couldn't participate.

[Audience Member]

I know. You did a very good job though. You, you did.

[Zach Klapman]

I mean, listen, if anybody can talk it a wall for 12 minutes straight. You're welcome.

[Audience Member]

People, shall we talk about the NASCAR dude?

[Zach Klapman]

So did you guys see that? So Nas, do we have any NASCAR fans here? Okay, a few. I was surprised we went to Houston. You know, fans of a car podcast in Texas. I was like, any fans of NASCAR crickets? They don't they don't apparently like NASCAR in Houston, but they're doing more street circuits now. Like, I'm actually pro this. Like, I'm not that big of a fan of nascar, but, like, that makes it interesting, right? You guys are into it. And did you see that they're doing one at Coronado Air Base, which is like. Like where Top Gun happens in Fighter Town, usa.

[Audience Member]

This is crazy.

[Zach Klapman]

It's pretty slick.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it's super awesome because they can. They can design the course how they want. They can use some of the streets, but then the rest of it is just like tarmac. So they can design it however they want. Yeah, but I mean, is there any more, I don't know, like, American combination than NASCAR is going past extremely American class, like the Osprey.

[Zach Klapman]

All we need is. But it's all.

[Audience Member]

I'm here for it. I'm not. That is not a diss. This is so rad and it's funny.

[Zach Klapman]

What if this was a rumor and they're really just doing days of Thunder 2 and it's Joseph Kaczynski is all. Did you guys see F1? You guys like who a show of hands? Who liked F1? Who thought it was pretty good? Who did? Anyone not like F1? Show of hands? Okay, so overwhelmingly, I would say the shop Club Rotten Tomatoes score 85 to 90% pretty good among this audience. Did you guys find. Did you. I thought, though, that F1 was literally the plot points of Days of Thunder and the plot points of Top Gun Maverick ping ponged back and forth to each other. Did anybody else notice that if you go watch it again, you will not be able to unsee this shit. It's literally like this minute. Okay, Pull this scene from Days of Thunder. Okay, guys, now the scene where Goose and fucking put that here. Okay? Now the scene where Cole Trickle walks up the pit lane. Put that fucking shit. And it's just back and forth, beat for beat them two movies. And still the least realistic part is where Brad Pitt's like, no, I don't want this Rolex Daytona. I've got. I've got a watch. And living in my van is just fine.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it's not about the money, remember?

[Zach Klapman]

Not about the money.

[Audience Member]

It's not about the money.

[Zach Klapman]

No. It's about disrupting the system, then moving on. So where. Anyone who else has an idea for a crazy, weird place to have a NASCAR race that would be like, really aggressively interesting? I've thought of a few. Anyone else ever want to throw out a really good idea where JFK Got Assassin, right? Start, start, finish at the book depository.

[Audience Member]

There you go.

[Zach Klapman]

The window is where you wave the fucking. And the grassy knoll. That's the vip. Yeah, that's the VIP for sure, Right. Coverage by Zapruder. Except the TV coverage is in like. And nobody knows who won. They'll be debating who won for, like, 40 years. Release the fucking data. We need to know who won. No. Yeah. The starting gun is actually two.

[Audience Member]

When do you. When do you actually start? Which one's the real one?

[Zach Klapman]

That would be pretty sick. I was thinking. I was thinking. How about actually back on the beach at Daytona? Like, they did it in the 40s, but with these cars.

[Audience Member]

Maybe with some dirt tires.

[Zach Klapman]

That'll be fun, right? No. Okay. That one's not so popular. Okay, what about Universal Studios backlot? Like, where the tram goes now four wide through. That jaw is popping out of the water.

[Audience Member]

No, that would be amazing.

[Zach Klapman]

Right?

[Audience Member]

Just go. Spectacle, right?

[Zach Klapman]

You have to build an under tray so you can skip across the lake like a. Oh, my. Did I pop out there? My good. Okay, cool. What about inside the George Bush Airport rental car facility? Up and down the ramps, like on Vertical Race. Anybody think that, like, using those, like, spiral ramp joints? I think it would look like Tokyo Drift, right? Like, that would be pretty cool.

[Audience Member]

I think you should use inside the George Bush library because he's not reading. I think you just do it in there because that's over here. And he's probably got a painting studio, but he's like, this is full of books. I don't know what happens over there. I don't go there.

[Zach Klapman]

The book's called the history of 9, 11 and the. No. He's like, I don't know what happened there.

[Audience Member]

There's a choose your own adventure book. And you just keep looking for the page with the actual WMDs on it, but it's not in there. It's missing.

[Zach Klapman]

My. Yeah, my. My final one was Boston Common. I thought a NASCAR race on cobblestones would really level the playing field. Don't you think?

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Loose surface.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, right. Blue surface, nascar. You guys ever try to drive on. Has anyone made it to the Northeast and tried to drive on cobblestones? Is that not the fucking worst, man? Oh, there ain't no car that's good at cobblestones. You could be in a Raptor and you're like, the fuck is going? I spent $75,000 on Fox bypass shops.

[Audience Member]

That's the secret to doing RFK's voice is you drive a sports car in Boston. You're like, I came here to go get a steak, but now I'm lost trying to get my kid to school. We're trying to find Harvard and decide between that and Yale. If my uncle hadn't been shot, I'd be carving up whales on the beach. But now I gotta learn about the healthcare system.

[Zach Klapman]

Maybe. Wait, how about RFK doing? Gentlemen, start your engines. From the book depository.

[Audience Member]

Gentlemen, start your engines. And please drink this magic elixir made of bleach.

[Zach Klapman]

And duck. All right, so that bit went okay? It didn't go. It ran out of steam at the end. We're trying, people. This is a radio show you listen to in your fucking car quietly. You know how hard it is to do talk radio in front of 250 people? Yeah, and make it fun. I had to bring a fucking sideshow act. You're not a sideshow act, Christian.

[Audience Member]

If it gets real quiet, we're just going to do the Van Halen dancing, whatever the fuck. Right Was. That was really interesting.

[Zach Klapman]

Right? Okay, how about this? We thought it would be fun to come to your city and make fun of you to your faces. I feel like. I feel like Texas people are secretly masochistic and want us to do that. They really liked it in Houston. A few people left early to see the restroom. And I think, I know what happened in there, but we were doing Van Halen. It could have been David Leroth, you do not know. But in order to make fun of you to your faces properly, we're going to bring back our friend Christian James Hand to join us. Let's give him a round of applause one more time. Where's your chair?

[Audience Member]

Take that one.

[Zach Klapman]

So. Oh, also, are there no one here is, like, really bald like me? Is there any really, really bald people? Okay. When you guys do you shave your heads like I do? Okay, so for people who have hair, I'm just going to educate you on a thing that happens that you probably don't know about when you don't have hair at all. When you're pure bald and you sweat like you're on stage, maybe, or if you're working out. The head itself is an accelerator. The sweat starts here and it gains speed all the way to here, where if you're me and I now have a new sort of a Rob Reiner thing happening with this beard, that's where it stays. It's not great. Before that, it went all the way down into the shirt collar. So my shirt is thanking the beard, but everything else has gone very wrong. When it comes to sweating wall bald. Now, one thing, we've done two things. We asked you to send us your cars, and boy, did we get. You guys drive some weird guys. There's some of you drive. Some of you drive some that you think is weird but is not weird compared to some of the that the rest of you drive. And then we also. While Christian was introing Van Halen and talking about David Lee Roth's dick, we took a walk around the parking lot and found some things that interested us. Where? Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.

[Audience Member]

Skipped. We got Reddit and we got the list.

[Zach Klapman]

Oh, we're gonna roast your cars at the end. We're going to come back to that. Sorry, We. Zach and I are going to have a competition.

[Audience Member]

The vodka was free tonight.

[Zach Klapman]

No, no, no. All right, Christian, we'll come. He'll come back. He'll come back. No, no. We each put together a million dollar car collection themed after your city that we think, based on our judgments of you in the last day or so, what we think the perfect Dallas million dollar collection look like. And obviously this is hypothetical because. Because we don't. We don't all have a million dollars right to spend on cars. At least you guys don't. I used that joke last night. I'm sorry. I don't have a million dollars to spend on cars either. Zach, do you want to laugh?

[Audience Member]

The guy that didn't laugh, I looked at. Turns out he has enough Property to have 180 cars show at his house.

[Zach Klapman]

The guy that didn't laugh was not fucking around.

[Audience Member]

He was like, I have a million dollars in my pocket and on my wrist. And my cock ring is also a million dollars. Dance for me, monkeys. Dance for me, for me.

[Zach Klapman]

Okay, so Zach's going to go first and give you his million dollar list. And. And we'll hold judgment and then I'll give you mine. And then we'll show of applause and see who accurately captured the car vibe of Dallas better. Okay, Zach, you're up first. All right, guys, we got to take.

[Matt Farah]

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[Zach Klapman]

Right? Right.

[Matt Farah]

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[Zach Klapman]

And you think about it, your insurance.

[Matt Farah]

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[Zach Klapman]

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[Matt Farah]

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[Zach Klapman]

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[Matt Farah]

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[Audience Member]

Starting off simple because you need a truck here, but in Dallas, you guys think yourselves a little fancier than Houston. I think you want something you could maybe valet Monarch and get a really overpriced cocktail.

[Zach Klapman]

They have a.

[Audience Member]

A $200 old fashioned and $1,000 plate of crap. You. And by the way, the reviews on Reddit are like, yeah, kind of mid. Kind of mid. Pay for the view. Some restaurant called Monarch here.

[Zach Klapman]

Monarch.

[Audience Member]

Monarch.

[Zach Klapman]

Overrated.

[Audience Member]

Very expensive, cool, Won't go. You pay for the view. As if they're the only tall building in the city.

[Zach Klapman]

You pay for the view. Do they know where, what view?

[Audience Member]

You get to look at other buildings.

[Zach Klapman]

I mean, I'm sorry, like, no offense, but like, what is there to see here, right? Okay, so you pay for the view, you're paying for other buildings. Awesome.

[Audience Member]

It's the same view you get for a studio apartment in New York. It's the exact same view.

[Zach Klapman]

Okay, cool.

[Audience Member]

So I'm going Denali with a hd. I want to tow some shit around. So that's multimatic shocks. Very, very nice. But number two, you've got Texas 2K race, right?

[Zach Klapman]

No argument with the Ford GT. That's the worst color.

[Audience Member]

I want something a little more reliable than your electrical grid and I want to be fast enough that, like, Ted Cruz could outrun the paparazzi. So I want twin turbos on that thing he just can't seem to get away on.

[Zach Klapman]

These are big cars. These are very good cars. Does anyone here have a Ford gt?

[Audience Member]

Someone has.

[Zach Klapman]

And someone here's got one who's got one? Somebody up top. Rich people? No, nobody weak. Shit, bro. There was two of them in Houston. That's all I'm saying.

[Audience Member]

If someone here owns multiple singers and not a 4 GT, what are you doing with your life other than making money?

[Zach Klapman]

Who here owns multiple singers?

[Audience Member]

Someone might.

[Zach Klapman]

I'm just. Shit, bro. Just saying.

[Audience Member]

Number three, you guys had some flooding recently. Not the big tragic one. I'm definitely not making fun of that. You guys had like, a Dallas flood. So I want to be able to solve that problem, because I don't plan ahead. I'm not going to check the weather. I didn't really check the weather on this trip. I just show up. So I'm going Pro Drive Amphicar.

[Zach Klapman]

What the fuck is that?

[Audience Member]

That's right. Pro Drive bought a car.

[Zach Klapman]

I've never heard of this shit before. What is this?

[Audience Member]

Look at this thing.

[Zach Klapman]

Whoa. Habibi, Habibi. Can we talk about Captain Stabbins hat right here?

[Audience Member]

Yeah. This guy showed up for the picture.

[Zach Klapman]

This fucking guy. So you. First off, Prodrive is a British company that builds race cars. They found the fucking Britishest guy ever to pilot this thing. His name is Nigel.

[Audience Member]

Nigel.

[Zach Klapman]

And someone's got. Mate, we got you a captain hat, and he's gone. Yeah, right. Okay. And you look like a fucking idiot. Nigel.

[Audience Member]

Nigel was in the Navy, though. He knows a thing about boats.

[Zach Klapman]

But that car is all right, dude.

[Audience Member]

It goes 80 miles per hour on the street and then 43 miles per hour on the wall water. That's insane.

[Zach Klapman]

Okay, next Seem like a Dallas car. You guys, hey, I don't want to.

[Audience Member]

Get stuck in a. Nigel's are having.

[Zach Klapman]

An awfully good time.

[Audience Member]

You make fun, but last night, people in Houston had snorkels on their cars. And one guy said he literally escaped a flood using the snorkel.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, Straight up. I have to apologize to Houston, cuz I spent 10 minutes making fun of a guy who had a snorkel on his truck. And then he was like, later. He was like, actually, like our whole neighborhood was underwater. And like, I was good. And I was like, you know what? All right, buddy. You're fine. So by. That's my official apology for making fun of that guy for 10 minutes for his snorkel. Yeah. Okay.

[Audience Member]

That's like going, oh, you have a concealed carry permit. Oh, cool. And it's like, it saved my life once. And you go, but, like.

[Zach Klapman]

But this. This seems like a good time. But like, I think we learn over and over as a people that nobody wants a Fucking car boat. No, like, who wants a car boat? Like, is that a thing that anybody really wants?

[Audience Member]

No, I think.

[Zach Klapman]

What, you want one? You seem 12.

[Audience Member]

You're 12.

[Zach Klapman]

No, but you're 15. 15, okay, you're 15.

[Audience Member]

Oh, you're the same. Last night you've got the giant truck you want.

[Zach Klapman]

Oh, yeah, long.

[Audience Member]

And you also want an Amphicar.

[Zach Klapman]

No. You can take your giant trashed out super duty and tow a regular boat to the lake like a normal fucking Texan, my friend.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, nobody want. Nobody is. Wants this, and especially not rich people. Rich people want a car that does car things and a boat that does boat things. Not a thing that does both badly.

[Audience Member]

There are Van Halen. He'd buy one of these things. There are sick David Lee Roth. There are six people that have done enough drugs and have enough money. They go, yeah, man.

[Zach Klapman]

And so have you seen. There's other. The company that builds this is called Gibbs. The Aquada, they convert. There's a. There's one that's a Miata. That's the Aquada. There's. They do a Corvette. They do a C8 Corvette. And classism alert. I was just in Lake Como and they're doing. Oh, I swear to God. They're doing Fiat 500 ones. Fiat 5. And they're like. But they're like little putt putt bullshit ones. They don't go fast. And my 75 year old mother was like, that looks fun. I was like, mom, let's go.

[Audience Member]

Nah, dude, Ludacris has one that's like a Ferrari.

[Zach Klapman]

Of course he does.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Having a good time?

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah. All right, Ludacris gets a pass.

[Audience Member]

Okay, next one. Simple. You don't really have twisty roads here, but you do have a lot of private track 911T. Simple. Good. Nothing wrong with it. Fast enough. And as we've learned, you can throw 20 grand at it and get like 300 extra horsepower.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, we just drove one of these at 700 horsepower. All right, I recommend it.

[Audience Member]

All right, and the last one. You do have nice weather here eventually, I guess not. Now I'm sure it happens at some point. And you do have a lot of nice architecture. Some of it's kind of brutalist and weird, but it'd be nice to drive around and look up at the buildings. But as we spoke about before, convertible is not the safest thing for Dallas. So I'm going Popemobile. Yeah. I want to be driven around and be able to look up at Things.

[Zach Klapman]

This Popemobile is kind of sick. The ones they've been using recently. Recently have been sort of lame, actually.

[Audience Member]

Dude, look, the interior there's like a.

[Zach Klapman]

Wrangler one that's really weird and lame looking. The Javagan one is. Oh, that's like some Bravo, dude. I would. How sick would it be if you were DJ Khaled?

[Audience Member]

Another one.

[Zach Klapman]

If you were DJ another one. Would you not have one of those and just roll around Miami just we the best on auto repeat.

[Audience Member]

He could have the decks in the back. Someone drives for him and he just.

[Zach Klapman]

Yep, pretty. Pretty slick.

[Audience Member]

Could have a good time.

[Zach Klapman]

I'm into that. Okay.

[Christian James Hand]

All right.

[Zach Klapman]

So that's. That's what Zach thinks of your town. And I can see all of you are on board with his thought process. Okay, here's. Here's where I'm at. Numero uno, the underground racing. Twin turbo Lamborghini Huracan. Yeah, this seems. This seems about. This is Dallas. We could say Dallas performance. I thought they're. They're here too, right? Anybody. Anyone have a Dallas performance car? Them things go fast, right? The half mile cars. So yeah, twin turbo Lamborghinis, they seem very Dallas to me. More so than Houston, actually. They can't afford them shits in Houston. No, they run twin turbo Vipers down there because they cheaper. Respect to Calvo, but like, if you know, you know. All right, so we're in. We're into that right now. This a proper Texas quail rig.

[Audience Member]

All right. I just lost, I think any hunt.

[Zach Klapman]

Any hunters in the room? Any guy? Anyone shoot birds? You boys shoot birds? Oh, my man with the German short haired pointer, he shoots birds. I know that. Yeah. So when. So. So if you guys have no idea what you're looking at in quail hunting and bird hunting, it's a traditionally English thing. It's very like proper. They really dress like. They dress like a Guy Ritchie movie to go do this stuff, right? You walk through the fields for miles and you have dogs and professional guides and yada, yada, yada. And then we Americanized this and we were like, what if English Hutton. But yachts. And so in. In Texas they have what's called the quail rig. And that's where you convert a regular car to a stadium. Stadium seating mobile with refrigerators. And so these are all the kennels for the dogs. And you got front, the bow rider seats. You've got your gun sheaths, you got the double decker. And you can make. And look, this one's got the high drive.

[Audience Member]

I'M trying to stop it from flashing through.

[Zach Klapman]

This one's got high drive.

[Audience Member]

This is.

[Zach Klapman]

That one drives like a. Like a movie car where the driver's seat's on the roof and Brad Pitt's talking like he's driving, but Ben Collins is actually driving up there. And they turn. This is a. This one looks like a Mini. That's a moke.

[Audience Member]

No, I mean, it looks. It looks like a mini. It looks like a moke, but I.

[Zach Klapman]

Actually think that's a wrangler. But. But you can do super duties. Anything with a body on frame. But they got Rolls Royce ones. They. Look at this.

[Audience Member]

Look at this thing.

[Zach Klapman]

That's some homemade. That's a burning man car. That ain't the quail rig. Look at right here.

[Audience Member]

Burning man car.

[Zach Klapman]

And here's the thing about. You can make a quail rig. You can buy a quail rig. And these are. And. And you still get out and walk to shoot, but these go in between the fields, and they've got a full bar and all your guns and your ammo. And if I lived in this state, my would be ridiculous. LM002. You know, crazy. Crazy, right? Picture it. Picture it. Any graphic designers in the room? Somebody Photoshop that up for me later. The LM002 quail rig, triple stadium seating. I want a bow rider and diamond plate, please.

[Audience Member]

Getting towed out of the bush by an F250.

[Zach Klapman]

I have. I have ridden on the bow, ride in some of these things. And listen, look, sometimes people just need to be oppressed in order for me to have this much money to do this stuff. And that's okay if I get to ride on the bow of a Rolls Royce quail rig. You guys understand, right? Sometimes people need to starve and die so that I can ride on diamond plate, you know? Okay, moving on. Keeping that in the spirit, the F350 King Ranch dually, you dick bag. Has to be the King Ranch. More importantly, has to be the pre 07 King Ranch. My man right here. My. My lady clapping because she knows who knows what happened in 08 with the king Ranch. Oh, so you guys all know cars because you're talking. You say the engine sucks. They stopped using full King Ranch leather. The 03 to 07 used a full King Ranch interior. And then they're like, oh, this is popular. We can't. We're gonna run out of leather. We can't sell all these trucks. We can't. We can only do this one. We can't do a 150. And a 250 and a Ranger and a Bronco King Ranch. There aren't enough cows. The 0607 were the last years to have a full can. Scroll. Scroll down so we can see the full King Ranch interior. And look. This one. See it? See the aging, that's the full seat. That's the whole. They don't do that anymore.

[Audience Member]

The aging, that's called old. That's an old seat.

[Zach Klapman]

They. Ford.

[Audience Member]

That's a farted seat Ford has.

[Zach Klapman]

The King Ranch is fart resistant. The leather is tanned specifically. Specifically to resist farts. By the way, do you guys know what the best car to fart in is? Porsche. Porsches. Because the cooled seats suck. They don't blow. So it's a fart disbursement device. You fart into the seat, it's gone forever.

[Audience Member]

That is the best car for dates ever. You need that?

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, it is. Yes. I would like to go to Northern Thai for our first date. Aren't you concerned? I have a Panamera. It'll be good for you too. Don't worry. I'll turn on your side also. It'll be fun.

[Audience Member]

Oh, bacon. Brussels sprouts.

[Zach Klapman]

Great.

[Audience Member]

So yeah, that's risky for both of us.

[Zach Klapman]

The 06F350 King Ranch. I think I have two more. This one's a little more obvious.

[Audience Member]

The biggest Mustang in the world.

[Zach Klapman]

Mustang gtd. Yes. The biggest. Biggest Mustang ever made. It. Has any of you seen a GTD in person? In person. You have, right? It's the size of a Suburban. It is the biggest car you've ever seen. You can't believe how huge this thing is. It is so enormous. It's the perfect Texas car. Nobody takes up space like a Texan. Y' all have a 45 acre ranch and put up a huge fence around it. You're like, this is for nobody else. I'm taking up this fucking 45 acres. And that is what this car is for. When you absolutely must take as much space up on the highway as possible. By the way, this car has 325 front tires. So if you think you're going to be able to steer this on a Dallas freeway, best of luck to you, son. But I thought you guys would like this. It feels like Houston is a little more of an LS town and Dallas is a little more of a mod motor town. Am I right about that?

[Audience Member]

Is that part of the division between.

[Zach Klapman]

Part of the division. Cam and block, bro. For life. For life. This dual overhead cam shit is for queers.

[Audience Member]

I feel like I really want the Ford and Chevy crowd to come together and have, like, their march on Selma. But a Mustang driver's gonna hit everybody and it up.

[Zach Klapman]

They'll have the Martian. A cyber truck will just plow right through that.

[Audience Member]

It will.

[Zach Klapman]

Because no car has ever been better designed for running over humans effectively. All right, and your last one.

[Audience Member]

This is sick.

[Zach Klapman]

The six deuce, Eldo, Biarritz. Not them round 50s. This is tough Boy Square Body Biarritz. Right? We can't say a suicide door Conti because reasons. But if you had to drive some dope fucking sled by a book depository, this would be the fucking shit, right? I love a fucking six deuce. Be a Ritz. This one sold for 90k on bring a trailer. And I can see why. This is a lovely, lovely automobile. Okay, so that's my five. Y' all remember Zach's five, okay? Round of applause. Who thinks Zach Clapman assessed Dallas better? Hey.

[Audience Member]

I like you better than Houston already.

[Zach Klapman]

That's not bad. That's not bad. Who thinks I understand Dallas better. I have to say, I think the big man wins by a nose there.

[Audience Member]

I think he won.

[Zach Klapman]

I think I won two for two. I know you. I know you better than you. Who. All right, show of hands. Who thinks. Is there a more Dallas car than what we have brought up? Is anyone. Does anyone like. Is anyone like. You guys missed something right here. What? A Tahoe. All right, well, these are boring car. We cannot sustain a live program going top five is going to be a Tahoe, a Range Rover, and no, we can't. That'll be boring. But okay. Any interesting cars? Yes. No Raptor R. So the thing is, I use that one for Houston. Listen, that's probably more Houston than here, if I'm honest. The math. The math, I think, is with me on that. And actually, I do have to say, at Houston last night, I saw more Cadillac black wings in one place than I've ever seen ever in my life in including the press launch, there was like 12 at our show last night. It was all black wings. Yeah, what you. Yellow shirt, white Cadillac with horns. A white Cadillac with horns.

[Audience Member]

We saw.

[Zach Klapman]

We saw a car with horns today. It was a plumber in a super duty. I swear. It was.

[Audience Member]

You get. You take the horns off and you just Roto Rooter with it and then you put it back on the hood.

[Zach Klapman]

There was the truck with horns, but it wasn't a plumber. It was a lawyer, remember? And it said, like, car accident, slip.

[Audience Member]

And fall and then sexual harassment. Sexual Harassment in a different font color.

[Zach Klapman]

Yep.

[Audience Member]

Which is weird.

[Zach Klapman]

And then Trump Vance 2024. And then in the front horns. It was a. It was something. Last one. Is there a more Texas car? White. Yeah, White shirt. Oh, yeah.

[Audience Member]

Listen, Ultimo with expired temp tags.

[Zach Klapman]

Look, look, we know, we know, we know. And, and what he said for the people at home later was a 2012 Ultima with expired tags. And you're not wrong. The problem is that's the official car of everywhere. That's. That is the official car of. I have nothing left to live for and no credit to burn. And, you know, 144 months, no money down, baby. Let's fucking go.

[Audience Member]

If you want to own the rental car experience and have that carelessness, you own an Altima and you send it like you have four miles on a Ram into a K rail. The difference is with the ultimate. You keep going. I see fucked up Altimas that are just making it down the road.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, no, it's. I mean, if you were. Listen, if any of us found ourselves in that position, can't we all just admit collectively that it's nice to know the Ultima's there for us, but you can't quite swing an Accord, you know what I mean?

[Audience Member]

You know, it's the emergency room of cars. That's what it is.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, like, like they're very. Always something lower until you get to an Ultima and that's it. I mean, below that, it's basically every once in a while you see a video of somebody on like TikTok or something and it's like, dude got his fourth Dewey and it's him like rolling a power wheels, you know, to work. That's the only step left at post Ultima. Yeah, that's true. But man, that's, that's everywhere. That ain't just Texas. That's. That's.

[Audience Member]

We saw a guy post Ultima today. He was bicycling on the highway, dude.

[Zach Klapman]

Sam Houston tollway on a 10 speed. That is crazy, bro. I can't believe people are outside here during the day. It's insane.

[Audience Member]

I don't think that gentleman has a choice.

[Zach Klapman]

I, I said I like went like. I literally, I just went outside and considered that exercise. I was so sweaty. I was like, that must be exercise.

[Audience Member]

The sauna.

[Zach Klapman]

It's the same, you big water weight's just like real weight. Okay, so we are at. Oh, is it 8:45?

[Audience Member]

Yes, sir.

[Zach Klapman]

Whoa, time's flying when you're this drunk. I'm not that drunk, you guys. I'm not that drunk. We saw shots. Someone, someone. We do not need shots. But apparently there's some kind of barrel pick tequila here at the shop. That is good. And we are going to be at the bar later and if you are a member of the shop or become one today, you can drink on my tab. What? Oh boy. That's not it.

[Christian James Hand]

Is that. That's me. Hello?

[Zach Klapman]

Hey, Chris. All right, all right. So now we put up the email. So some of you sent us cars and volunteered to have us talk about your cars a little bit. Other people didn't volunteer. They just parked their shit in the lot and so.

[Audience Member]

And some people sent pictures of cars they saw on the highway. That's definitely not your car.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, someone sent. Someone sent a picture of like a full studio shoot that like I think was out of Dupont registry or some shit. It was definitely not your car, but we found some and we're going to talk about them. And oh boy. We could talk about the Datsun, but we're actually going to talk about. About this. Raise your hand if you know what this.

[Audience Member]

Oh, it's the guy who knew about Altimas.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, your other car is an Altima. If you have one of these. This is called a Puma. And can you scroll up in the emails act to see how the owner described a Puma? He called it the Brazilian911. Now that's a very funny thing to say about a car. That underneath is a Volkswagen Beetle. And.

[Christian James Hand]

Oh, here's a reflection. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Yes.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

You guys, I was so thirsty.

[Christian James Hand]

Keep drinking this.

[Zach Klapman]

Thank you. Okay, go back down, Zach. So this is called a Puma. It's a fiberglass body on a Beetle. It's actually like not terrible looking, am I right? It's like kind of a decent looking car from this distance. The key is to get up close and shit comes apart real fast. Now homie over here has had his hand up itching to say some shit about the Puma for like a minute. So what do you got? It's. No, no, it's his. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else owns a Puma?

[Audience Member]

Of course, of course he does my refer.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, he was like this factoid that he couldn't wait to tell me. He was like, do you know who else owns this weird fucking car? The guy you know who buys every weird fucking car. True. He does. He does have one. Myron. Vernon, shout out to him. These actually, even though they're terrible, are like kind of dope when you've seen everything else you would stop and check this out. Like, one of these poor. You know, one of the guys at the shop here. These guys are great. Asked me earlier, like, what's your favorite car here? And I was thinking about it. I didn't give him a good answer. And I think they expected me to say something that was, like, cool. And I've come up with one Master Schmidt right there. Find the weirdest thing in any room. That's what I like. Because when you've seen it all. So if there was a puma here, I drool on it for 20 minutes.

[Audience Member]

We should have driven into the show. I know it's your idea. I'm not trying to try to set you up.

[Zach Klapman]

It would have been awesome.

[Christian James Hand]

You guys should have driven in.

[Zach Klapman]

Does that thing run? Shop people? Messerschmitt run, Maybe. I don't know. Whatever. Okay. Puma. 10 points, my friend. 10 points. Is that car in America? Yeah, it is. Wow. Talk about a car that is not worth importing, and you import it anyway. That's what.

[Christian James Hand]

Like, that's a real labor.

[Zach Klapman]

When you see, like, someone who's, like, really imported something that is, like. Like, that was $2,000, and you spent $10,000 getting it here. Like, that's the kind of commitment that.

[Christian James Hand]

That's love.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, that's love.

[Christian James Hand]

That's love.

[Zach Klapman]

This Miata rf. Zach, why did you pull this one up? Tell me about this.

[Audience Member]

Oh, we were talking to this thing. This is a way. This is how you come out to your family in Dallas.

[Christian James Hand]

Like, yeah, man.

[Audience Member]

No judgment.

[Christian James Hand]

No judgment.

[Audience Member]

And the stereotype. These are great cars. The stereotype is stupid, but it does exist. So you show up with this, and you say, I'm selling my guns. And the family goes, you want more porn? And no one talks about it.

[Zach Klapman]

We love you anyway.

[Audience Member]

Yep.

[Zach Klapman]

We're not going to pay your insurance anymore, though. I can't have my agent knowing my son is driving that.

[Christian James Hand]

Oh, all right.

[Zach Klapman]

All right, now.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, yeah. Let's do this.

[Zach Klapman]

Is the person in the room that submitted the Chevy hhrss? Is that person here? It's you. Is that. That is your car? Okay. Why do you have a Chevy HHR ss? You bought it as, like, a beater. Okay.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, you did.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah. So.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it is.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

So this is like, you know, Bob Lutz looked at the PT Cruiser, and he did a little Hold My Beer.

[Christian James Hand]

He's like, let's make it worse.

[Zach Klapman]

Except then he made that make this worse.

[Audience Member]

Let's give it lip injection. So let's give that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

This is botch surgeries.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. This is. This is duck lips.

[Christian James Hand]

It's dry.

[Zach Klapman]

It drives a lot better than it looks. Right? Yeah, it's a manual. The funny thing about, you know, that's a cobalt SS under there. And those cars, powertrain wise, fabulous. Everything else couldn't have been shittier. I mean, just junk.

[Audience Member]

They're good driver's cars, aren't they? Like a decent race car. Engaging good race car, bad car.

[Zach Klapman]

It's the C4 Corvette of front wheel drive hatchbacks. You know what I mean? Yeah. That is the GTI of C4 Corvettes is what the HHR SS is. But they, you know, they made an SS panel truck.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

You could get the SS panel to crazy rare. Doug Demiro's in the back like in his house and his house in Nantucket with just exposed to the beach, you know. He goes out on his deck, his 7 million dollar Nantucket house and he's like naked. He's like HHR. That's, that's what you do when you sell that. Get that cars and bids my. What do I want? I want to. I want to. I want a deck where I can like really jack off over extremely rare cars and nobody will see me. We got you, bro. Sconce it.

[Audience Member]

That's why he has. He wants the rear facing Range Rover for that exactly thing.

[Zach Klapman]

I just tried to suck on a.

[Christian James Hand]

Toothpick that doesn't end well.

[Zach Klapman]

This. Now here we go. This short wheelbase bronco hard parked with its wheel on a very small boulder.

[Audience Member]

Now who's. Whose car is this?

[Zach Klapman]

Who's got.

[Audience Member]

Who's your car? All right, so do you off road this a lot or is this.

[Christian James Hand]

No, this is where it starts.

[Zach Klapman]

Is this the first time?

[Audience Member]

All right, so you, you sent this in and you're like I'm gonna send him the hard park thing. I'm up on boulder. I got some mud on it. I'm tough, right? Guess what? The next person that emailed us.

[Zach Klapman]

Boom.

[Christian James Hand]

So best in show. Best in show. Best in show. Best in show.

[Zach Klapman]

Will the owner of the monster truck smart car please raise your hand, shout out to.

[Christian James Hand]

This is it. This is what winning looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

[Zach Klapman]

This is what parking in a compact space is all about. Most normally it's like if that kid was with his super duty and had to park in a compact space, this is what you would do. But is that. Is anything about this functional, sir? No. Okay, cool.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Does it like drive? It does work. Okay. It's a real car that works. You daily It.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a champion.

[Audience Member]

Did you lift it or did you buy it like. Like this?

[Zach Klapman]

Why you did it like this? Okay. Because. Why not? I like.

[Audience Member]

No, I'm on board. I'm just like wondering if there is a theory like the roads are bad. No, you're just going for it.

[Zach Klapman]

Does it ride like it looks? How is the ride? Rides good. Cool.

[Audience Member]

It's got mag ride. This is going to be like an aerospace engineer. He's like, I put dssvs on it. Just fabricated it up myself.

[Zach Klapman]

I. I have to say. You know, and just, just. I mean I don't know if you guys guys know this but a smart and a smart car is a rear engine car. So all you'd have to do is change the entire powertrain and you could do wheelies. If you change the entire powertrain, this would absolutely do wheelies. With a stock powertrain, it will barely go 12 miles an hour. I bet this can't get up a hill. Good thing you don't have any shout out to the off road. Smart car.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. That's how I was done. That's a.

[Zach Klapman]

That's a 10 out of 10. I.

[Audience Member]

Is this.

[Zach Klapman]

This is the same car I saw outside today, right? Who's driving this? Is this you? This is a SN95 Cobra. It's not a 46, it's a 5.0. It's a 94.95. It's in absolutely stellar condition. And I stopped because you know, look, let's be honest. It's a 94 Mustang, right? It's in style condition. But back in the day there was a girl who was in nursing school and drove one of these. And boy did I want to her. And I absolutely never did. Never even came close. Never even. Never even came close.

[Audience Member]

Talk about jacking off to cars. Matt's just like, God damn Kelly. Chick in the 94.

[Zach Klapman]

Kelly from the nursing school. But yeah, no, when I was building my Mustang in high school, this was what Kelly was rolling in as a daily. And you know, she was like 5, 2. So her seat was like on the steering wheel. She looked like one of those old Chinese ladies driving but ripping four gears. This is what's up. Yeah, these are great. These are really under. How many miles are on this thing, bro? 28,000. How many did you buy it with? 25. And how long ago is that? A year and a half ago. Okay. He's doing work. He's doing work. That's good. Keep that up. These are fabulous cars. They drive much better than most People think they drive. They're really, really good. And we're not going to make fun of you. I just wanted a reason to bring up Kelly, who I.

[Christian James Hand]

I mean, that.

[Zach Klapman]

Was really wanted to. Back in the day.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

By the way, shout out to our. Drove a Probe gt. Real Ford family, that one. The Probe was good. We had lots of jokes about what to do with that Probe. In high school, anyone ever had a Probe. The Probe was platform shared with the Mazda MX6, which is a global platform. And so the Probe GT got the MX6 V6, which was actually a JDM V6. It was a 2 liter V6 that in Japanese trim, revved to 8500 and sounded like a rotary and would shoot fire if you took the cats off. Fucking underrated engine. The Audi RS6 that is parked in the back, we feel like this is a very Dallas car. Right.

[Audience Member]

The roads are smooth enough for this. It's kind of a stiff car, but.

[Zach Klapman]

Christian the drummer was like, bro, put.

[Christian James Hand]

My fucking kid in the back of that, bro.

[Zach Klapman]

Does it fit a fire extinguisher?

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Who's got this Audi RS6 right there. Oh, you look like you have an RS6.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

How much did you sell your tech startup for? He didn't. You married her.

[Christian James Hand]

Yes. That's the way to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, Kelly the nurse, ladies and gentlemen.

[Audience Member]

She is hiding her face.

[Zach Klapman]

Nice.

[Audience Member]

Nice to see you.

[Zach Klapman]

Good Lord, you've come up these. This is a very Texas car. High speeds, long distances, freeway. I've known four people who've had one of these. Every single one after six months said, I'm totally bored with this thing. Help me sell it. How long have you had yours?

[Christian James Hand]

The clock is ticking, my friend. The clock is ticking.

[Audience Member]

It's okay.

[Zach Klapman]

He's had it two months.

[Christian James Hand]

We're gonna check back in. In four months, we're gonna come back to Dallas.

[Audience Member]

Commit to the woman, not the car. That's all right.

[Zach Klapman]

Homie's gonna be like, I bought an E63 estate.

[Audience Member]

By the way, how happy is Audi that no picture was ever taken of Hitler in an Audi? They're like, yes.

[Zach Klapman]

Oh, yes. Oh, thank God. I'm just not on camera. Yeah, it was amazing. Simon said, he said all this. Wanted to say, put this on camera. Put us on camera, dude. Whoa.

[Audience Member]

I'm more of an introvert. Mercedes is an extrovert. He wants me in the pictures.

[Zach Klapman]

No, they were no auto.

[Audience Member]

I know, they helped. I know.

[Zach Klapman]

Listen, let's not. You guys remember how much Hitler had to do with, like, German Cars, Right? You guys remember how much Henry Ford liked Hitler, right? He really liked Hitler a lot. Like so much. He was a huge fan of Hitler. Hitler just, it's just very.

[Audience Member]

When they met, he gushed so much. Oh my God.

[Zach Klapman]

Forget that. Sometimes people who run car companies in America are huge fans of Hitler.

[Christian James Hand]

Turns out.

[Audience Member]

No, no.

[Zach Klapman]

And because they have a lot of jobs in America and they're making things in America, they just let you keep being a fan of Hitler. They don't like, stop you. You could just keep getting government subsidies and building cars and being all Heil. Isn't that wild? I just, I don't know, I thought because like a hundred years ago that happened that maybe, I don't know, someone would remember. Isn't that funny?

[Audience Member]

So just, just, just because I'm autistic and Grok said like he's Mecca Hitler doesn't mean I like Hitler that much. Just don't look at my search history, okay? Just don't. Just please go to the diner and give me all the money. They went British at the end. It's tough.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

That guy's from 15 places.

[Zach Klapman]

Now let's talk about the Pontiac Solstice. Who sent us? Who sent us their non running project car?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, where's picture too? Because there's picture too.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, it's on a trailer.

[Christian James Hand]

There it is.

[Zach Klapman]

It was like, here's my Solstice. And I was like, oh, that's boring. He's like, it's my non running project car. I'm like, that's what you've submitted?

[Christian James Hand]

You know what that's about, right? It comes free with the trailer.

[Audience Member]

And additionally you wait, but you also, you also said it doesn't run and probably never will again. So why did, did you buy this? Like to put plants in. What's your deal? It has to run to modify.

[Zach Klapman]

To modify. It never got around.

[Christian James Hand]

It's going to modify to something that doesn't run.

[Zach Klapman]

Who's ever bought something as a project car only to like, like not do the project car? Anybody? Like five, six people. It's okay.

[Audience Member]

You're in no, five, six. And then a lot of shy hands started popping up.

[Zach Klapman]

It's okay. You're with friends.

[Christian James Hand]

You're with friends who bought a project.

[Zach Klapman]

Car that they didn't finish. It's okay. Come on, come on, come on. You're with friends.

[Christian James Hand]

It's a safe space.

[Zach Klapman]

It's like 25 people. Okay. It's a pretty. It's probably 10 of this entire audience. It's okay, it's okay. You guys are fine. Yeah, yeah. Your car's a box, sir. Yeah, listen, it. It. I drove the Solstice when it was brand new, and I went, so you're telling me they had a Miata? Like, they had one, and they were like, guys, we're gonna build a better Miata. And then they built the Solstice, and they're like, guys, we're done.

[Christian James Hand]

We failed.

[Zach Klapman]

That was it. Same thing with the who's who has driven a Fiat 124? You. Have you. Anyone know that? It's the modern one, right? Is it not the worst car you've ever driven in your life? It's like, you take a great car, like a Mazda Miata and goes, guys, everything about the Miata is like an 8 across the boards.

[Audience Member]

8. 8.

[Zach Klapman]

Give me a 6. Let's have, like, 12 espressos. Take all these eights, turn them into sixes, print that, write a bar th on the.

[Audience Member]

It's like the Excalibur thing when they bolted out of the Miata, but they did it with a Fiat. Like, make it longer, add a turbo, but worse. Handling sucks. And by the way, it's built by Fiat.

[Zach Klapman]

Oh, this is a good one. This one stopped. Zach and I. Habibi, let's talk about this International Scout. No doors, but seemingly rhino liner where the door went.

[Audience Member]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Can who. Can anyone claim responsibility? Blue shirt. This is your scout.

[Christian James Hand]

Bold choices.

[Zach Klapman]

Did you build this Scout? Did you buy it like this? You bought it. Oh, it's a Super Scout. So it came with. No, that's a thing.

[Audience Member]

Wait, that's such an oxymoron. This is the soup. This is Porsche marketing. It's the Super Scout. It's got nothing more money.

[Christian James Hand]

No seats. Yeah, we took the wheels off of it.

[Zach Klapman]

So are you telling me this is an original vehicle? This is what this was? Wow, I'm impressed. And I also feel very sorry for you because that must drive horribly.

[Audience Member]

What engines in it. Yeah, it's the shitty one it came with. I drove this car in high school. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah. These are.

[Audience Member]

80.

[Zach Klapman]

It drives straight at 80.

[Audience Member]

They go 80.

[Christian James Hand]

There's not much that isn't.

[Audience Member]

Ours didn't go.

[Zach Klapman]

I should have put this in my Dallas list to drive straight at 80.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, we drove into Dallas. There wasn't much to do except drive straight at 80. To be honest with you. That was it.

[Zach Klapman]

Okay, now this one, I have a real hard time. Is this someone's actual car here? You the bird hunter with the expensive dog? Yeah. Okay. All right. No, I'm kidding. So the Eleanor GT500. Are you a big Gone in 60 Seconds fan? Is that how you ended up with this car? It was the backdrop of.

[Audience Member]

Oh, so can't knock that.

[Christian James Hand]

How old are you?

[Zach Klapman]

42. We're supposed to have posters on our walls. When you say it's a backdrop of your laptop, I'm expecting to say you're 32. When you say you're my age. Yeah. Okay. Oh, so it's the backdrop of your laptop for 10 years. Okay. And is it, is it fast? Is it legit? A 463 with a hundred shot of spray.

[Audience Member]

Have you ever hit the go baby go button?

[Christian James Hand]

Does it go in 60 seconds?

[Zach Klapman]

Hagerty made me remove the nitrous. That's awesome. Okay, let me just. For the people at home. Haggerty Insurance, who is my insurance broker, also made him remove the spray in order to get insured. And, and how did you prove to them that you removed the spray with one photo? Right. And it went right back on? Allegedly. Allegedly.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, allegedly.

[Audience Member]

That's the best fix it ticket I've ever heard of.

[Zach Klapman]

Allegedly.

[Audience Member]

Fantastic.

[Zach Klapman]

How did the accident happen, sir? Certainly not the spray. No, the spray. The homie. Homie's gonna wrap this thing around the tree, be all woozy and like, disconnect the spray.

[Audience Member]

Well, dude, the cop.

[Zach Klapman]

No, it's not declared value. His life, his dying words are going to be all. He's going to be bleeding on the inside and be like, it's on agreed value. Disconnect. Disconnect the spray. It's insured for 350, you guys, I'm going to be. It's going to be real hard to.

[Christian James Hand]

Get that on a gravestone.

[Zach Klapman]

Hey, I can act, you guys.

[Audience Member]

Dude, the police body cam is going to be him standing there holding the tank like a teddy bear. Like, I don't know how it happened and just gotta get out of here.

[Christian James Hand]

Weirdest thing.

[Zach Klapman]

You know, they used to. They used to. I used to have so much nitrous. Like, no, so much like, I used to have so much nitrous and from tanks, from scuba tanks, big tanks. And they used to tell us that you can't huff the car nitrous. It's different from the. The dentist nitrous. You absolute. It's got like lubricants in it. You cannot huff the car nitrous. Does anybody believe that? I don't. And I can prove it. I've never actually tried to huff the car nitrous. Is the Shelby here?

[Audience Member]

Does anyone here work for Chevron? Or shell. Can you corroborate this and just tell.

[Zach Klapman]

Us there's no additives, but we have to move on because the star of the show is the 1998 C5 Corvette Indy 500 pace car. Does the owner of this car be present in this room? It's your fucking car. Are you wearing New Balances?

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. What's the footwear?

[Zach Klapman]

Okay, I am. I. I am. They're white. They are very white. And you are wearing jorts, but it's okay. Okay. The 98, the now Corvette Indy pace car, it goes back a ways, right? Goes back to 83. 80. 82. 83 was the first nerd. What's the first year of the pace car? I think it's 78. 70 is the black gold is 70. Okay, thank you. All right. I should have known with his shorts he would have had that. Yeah. 78 is the first. In my opinion. This is the game over pace car. This is where you went. Okay, we're not gonna top this. Ever. Cancel the program. Fucking neon green wheels and seats, you guys. What?

[Audience Member]

Green? Yeah.

[Christian James Hand]

Quick thing. Matt's colorblind.

[Zach Klapman]

Sorry.

[Audience Member]

So moving forward, everyone just say yes, they're green wheels. Yeah, they're green.

[Christian James Hand]

They always have been green. Yeah, yeah. Cabs are green. It's so weird.

[Zach Klapman]

Have. Have you guys seen my Porsche? That explains it.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, yeah. He's convinced it's right.

[Zach Klapman]

Why, sir? Why did you buy the fucking most absurd Corvette ever made? Oh, inherited. That makes sense. Yeah. 93,000 miles. At least. At least he drove, been driven. Most C5 Corvettes are never bought, sold, or driven. Every C5 Corvette has either 200,000 or 12,000 miles on it. You said I know what I have.

[Audience Member]

So it's a family.

[Christian James Hand]

No robos.

[Audience Member]

Has any other. Has any family member ever ridden in the car with you or they. You just have to drive it alone? I knew that.

[Zach Klapman]

I knew that.

[Christian James Hand]

She's not wrong.

[Zach Klapman]

I need to speak with you for a moment. You are. You're with him. Okay. How do you feel about this car? Really? How do you feel about his Corvette? Do you like it? It's cool. Great. Perfect.

[Christian James Hand]

End of discussion. Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

I'm not. I know what you want. And what you want is for me to his life up and I ain't gonna do it.

[Christian James Hand]

Happy wife. Happy. Sorry. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah, sorry. I think that kind of show. If someone else wants me to their life up. Meet me at the bar. We can talk. I. I respect you for driving your inherited Corvette around. And I respect you for actually admitting you like it.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

I certainly wouldn't.

[Christian James Hand]

Green wheels and all.

[Zach Klapman]

Oh, boy. Let's get to the wow. Finale.

[Audience Member]

You could have just written this in instead of sending us a picture. Because this is just jarring to look.

[Zach Klapman]

At the brand new BMW M2. Who owns the BMW M2? Here? Over in the side. Yeah. You look like it. Yeah.

[Christian James Hand]

Y. That. That tracks.

[Zach Klapman]

Are you. What? How many BMW logos are on your person right now? None. That's a rare one. That's very rare. I have a question for you about this car. So when I drove the 2004 Cayenne Turbo, everyone was like, it's so ugly. And they were right. But then I took it up to 160 on the freeway and I was like, I don't give a fuck. This thing rips. Is that how you feel about this? You don't see the outside when you're driving it? That's exactly right. You don't see the outside when you're driving it.

[Audience Member]

But how do you find the car when you walk out of your house with a blindfold on? Like, do you ever wander into someone else's car? The wrong door.

[Zach Klapman]

Has anyone ever seen the movie Crazy People? If you haven't. It's a fat. It's a movie about an advertising agent who has a fucking mental break and gets locked up in a asylum. But he has the inmates in the asylum write honest car ads. And honest. It's Dudley Moore. Yeah. And if I was writing an ad for this, it would just be the BMW M2. You can't see it once you're in it. And you'd sell some cars. I gotta be honest. Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Is this.

[Christian James Hand]

I have a question. Is this your actual car? At the dealership with the red boat.

[Zach Klapman]

On the top of it.

[Christian James Hand]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Klapman]

You know what? It really is cute.

[Christian James Hand]

It's cute. You know what I mean?

[Zach Klapman]

There's a lack of whimsy in today's world. And I'm glad that BMW of North Dallas is here to deliver.

[Christian James Hand]

They were like, put the bow on it. Distract him from the rest of the car.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Just eyes up.

[Christian James Hand]

Just make him look at the rest of.

[Audience Member]

Misdirect.

[Zach Klapman]

Don't look at the lumps. Eyes up the roof. Isn't that roof line beautiful?

[Christian James Hand]

It's beautiful.

[Zach Klapman]

Talk about that B pillar.

[Christian James Hand]

Wow. Yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

Wow. Have you seen that Hoffmeister kink? Thank you. One more and then it's time to drink a lot more alcohol. No. Zach, Give me.

[Audience Member]

You were supposed to be good at. This is.

[Zach Klapman]

Okay. I need a explanation.

[Christian James Hand]

Yes.

[Zach Klapman]

This is apparently a car that didn't quite die at the last demolition derby. It's a fox body. It's had several lives. It's tall. It's a convertible. And who belongs to this box? Nice. Way in the back. Way in the back.

[Audience Member]

This is.

[Zach Klapman]

Is this a gambler car? It turned into a gambler car. Was it like a lemons race car? First? All right. I don't know. I don't know what's. There's drama on the upper deck. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rich people. Let them go. We're talking here. They high society up there can have it. You know what I'm saying? So tell me about the last three years of life of this card. Just one year. Oh, wow. So the.

[Christian James Hand]

The.

[Zach Klapman]

It. It found heroin in that one year and it's really.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

It'S selling its fenders for something.

[Zach Klapman]

Have you guys ever seen a human doing the fentanyl fold?

[Christian James Hand]

That's the car.

[Zach Klapman]

Do it.

[Christian James Hand]

It's the car equipment.

[Zach Klapman]

That's. This. This is the fentanyl fox.

[Audience Member]

Did you build this or did you buy it like this?

[Christian James Hand]

Mufflers.

[Audience Member]

Wait, what?

[Zach Klapman]

What? What? I bought it for my buddy who got caught stealing.

[Audience Member]

What? In New York?

[Christian James Hand]

That's the greatest crime I've ever heard.

[Audience Member]

You're free here. There's cows. Just go carve one off.

[Zach Klapman]

Is there a better getaway car for stealing meat? This is a cattle rustling car. That's what this is.

[Christian James Hand]

But it's not just regular steaks. He specialized in tomahawk steaks.

[Zach Klapman]

You know what I mean?

[Christian James Hand]

Like, it's like. No, no, no, no, no.

[Audience Member]

Is that the diamond heist?

[Zach Klapman]

Because the dollars per pound on a ribeye just ain't there.

[Christian James Hand]

Right?

[Zach Klapman]

You get to sell the bone too, right? Can I ask a question? Stolen steaks. Okay, sorry.

[Christian James Hand]

Ask a question. Where did he steal the tomahawk steaks from? He was at a Mexican resort.

[Audience Member]

Wait, how. How many? I'm imagining a hundred.

[Zach Klapman]

Dollars in a Mexican resort.

[Audience Member]

That is a stone felony.

[Zach Klapman]

Times in Mexico. That's.

[Christian James Hand]

That's amazing.

[Zach Klapman]

You guys know about. Like. I'm gonna give you a little lesson on crime real quick. Just so you know. There's a rule of life. And then we're gonna end the show and. Because we'll end it on education.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Klapman]

It came up earlier today, actually. It's something that I repeat to myself every day. If you live the podcast a lot, it's called one crime at a time. Okay, You. You chuckle. This is very important. Nobody gets caught doing one crime. It's where you stack the crimes. You read the charges of the thing, it's 37 counts. And you're like, well, all I did was do this. And it's like, well, yeah, but you were doing this and this and this also. It's like if I had only done the one crime, it was. Okay, so that is probably multiple crimes.

[Christian James Hand]

Tomahawk stakes.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah.

[Christian James Hand]

Crossing state lines.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah. In Mexico.

[Christian James Hand]

It's a RICO case.

[Zach Klapman]

There's definitely problems.

[Christian James Hand]

That's a rico.

[Audience Member]

It's the lamest prime in the world.

[Zach Klapman]

Like if you're, if you're smoking a blunt, keep it to the limit. Right. Like obvious. Like if you're, if you're doing the duffel shuffle, make sure your tail lights are there. You know what I mean? Like one crime at a time. That's.

[Audience Member]

That's how that line of criminal thinking though, really explains this car.

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. Looks that's the car of a guy who gets busted stealing fifteen hundred dollars.

[Zach Klapman]

The problem is when the car is the crime, you can't do anything. No other crimes left for you.

[Christian James Hand]

Don't speed check your blinkers, put a quarter panels back on it. I mean, you know what I mean?

[Audience Member]

Profiling is a problem, but sometimes you kind of side with the cops, you know?

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Christian James Hand]

You're like, you know what, he was right. He was totally right the whole time.

[Audience Member]

He really was.

[Zach Klapman]

He's kind of brown, but did you see the car?

[Christian James Hand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You've got some snake eyes on the grill of your car, sir. And no fenders.

[Zach Klapman]

Wow.

[Christian James Hand]

And a ch full of tomahawk steaks coming across the border.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah. Can you open the trunk, sir? Listen, I'm going to tell you what you're going to find in there, but it's going to be weird. It's. If I don't explain it to you first, you're going to think this is really strange. I was at this resort in Mexico and I had like 37 marks and they pushed out the cart with all these tomahawks on. Really seemed like they were for me. And. And if they're not, like, I don't know about it, but like, I'm pretty.

[Audience Member]

Sure they said all inclusive.

[Zach Klapman]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You know, and your honor, but if.

[Christian James Hand]

I may, I really. I. I don't know anything about tomahawk steak crime. So I just have a couple more. More questions. How many stakes are in fifteen hundred dollars? Because I don't have a. You know what I mean? Like, I don't actually have an eyeball on like how many. That would be how many steaks. They're very fancy steaks. Well, clearly.

[Audience Member]

How many?

[Zach Klapman]

You know, if it turns out this story is one goddamn 1500 top.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, they stole it from Monarch and they marked it up.

[Zach Klapman]

It was. It was a salt bay.

[Christian James Hand]

10. 10 states.

[Zach Klapman]

That's awesome. Well, all right, listen. 10 stolen tomahawks is a good place to end. Thank you guys so much for coming to see us tonight. We. We really appreciate you guys so much for coming out and supporting us tonight. This is our. Our. This is the second time we've ever sold tickets to our podcast in. The. Last night was the first, so I don't think it was a total show. You guys think it went all right?

[Audience Member]

Great.

[Zach Klapman]

One more time for Christian James Hand, please.

[Christian James Hand]

Appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Zach Klapman]

I firmly. I firmly believe his show is better than our show. I love listening to everything he does. It's. It's too bad you have to do it in person, but that's the way that's our analog life going forward.

[Christian James Hand]

There it is.

[Zach Klapman]

Zach and I are going to be over at the Mooch Merch booth for like a half hour, but like Matt Bell said, we then have to go up to the members lounge and hang out with members. If you buy a membership today, that includes you, but please, please support us. We did come a long way to get here, so we got shirts, hats, signed posters. Everything is, like, way cheaper than it would be on the website if you buy it. So we really do appreciate it and we really do appreciate every single one of you for making the time for us tonight. It's a long night and we want to thank the shop and all the staff here for having us. And if you're staying to party, stay to party. And if you are going home, please drive safe.

[Christian James Hand]

Crime at a time. One crime at a time.

[Zach Klapman]

Peace.