Podcast Summary: "Are We All Just High Functioning Codependents Disguised as High Functioning Women? (Maybe.) Here’s What To Do About it With Terri Cole"

Release Date: October 15, 2024
Podcast: The Spiritual Hustler
Host: Jessica Zweig
Guest: Terri Cole

Introduction

In this illuminating episode of The Spiritual Hustler, host Jessica Zweig engages in a profound conversation with Terri Cole, a renowned psychotherapist, relationship expert, and author of Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency. The discussion delves deep into the concept of high-functioning codependency (HFC), exploring how it masquerades as success and high performance among women today. Together, they unpack the psychological underpinnings of HFC and provide actionable strategies for healing and fostering healthier, more interdependent relationships.

Defining Codependency vs. High-Functioning Codependency

Terri Cole begins by distinguishing traditional codependency from its high-functioning variant. She explains that while traditional codependency often involves enabling dysfunctional behaviors in others (e.g., supporting an alcoholic partner), HFC is more pervasive among successful, high-achieving women who overextend themselves in various aspects of life.

Terri Cole [10:05]: "Codependency is you being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the situations, the circumstances, the finances, the relationships of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace."

The Prevalence of HFC Among Successful Women

Jessica shares her personal experiences with burnout despite achieving significant professional milestones, highlighting how societal expectations and the internal drive for success can mask underlying codependent behaviors.

Jessica Zweig [13:02]: "Look at you. You're a boss, you're a career woman, you've created an incredible platform... What is it about high functioning women that have such a deep tendency for high functioning codependency?"

Terri elaborates that HFC often manifests as over-functioning, over-giving, and an inability to delegate, leading to a constant state of stress and eventual burnout.

Psychological Roots and Behaviors of HFCs

Terri delves into the psychological foundations of HFC, emphasizing how early childhood experiences and societal conditioning contribute to these behaviors. She discusses how HFCs may not identify with traditional notions of codependency, making it challenging to recognize and address.

Terri Cole [16:21]: "I'm a recovering workaholic. I stopped drinking young and then it switched to being physically fit and just working like an animal..."

Terri also introduces the concept of the HFC blueprint, an architectural metaphor for the relational patterns established in childhood that govern current behaviors.

Impact of HFC on Personal and Professional Lives

The conversation highlights how HFC affects both personal relationships and professional environments. High-functioning women may find themselves controlling, micromanaging, and struggling to set healthy boundaries, which can strain relationships and impede personal fulfillment.

Terri Cole [20:46]: "At its core, codependency is an overt or covert bid to control the outcome of others."

Jessica relates these insights to her own experiences with burnout and the struggle to balance success with personal well-being.

Transitioning from HFC to Interdependence

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on moving from high-functioning codependency to interdependence. Interdependence is portrayed as a healthier alternative, characterized by mutual support, trust, and balanced relationships where individuals can rely on each other without sacrificing their own well-being.

Terri Cole [34:07]: "Interdependence is where you have trust... it's about allowing yourself to receive and allow others to support you."

Terri shares a personal anecdote about learning to receive support from her husband, illustrating the emotional liberation that comes with embracing interdependence.

Practical Tools for Healing and Setting Boundaries

Terri offers practical strategies for overcoming HFC, emphasizing self-compassion, boundary setting, and emotional regulation. She introduces the concept of "Yam Yucking" as a means to acknowledge and manage judgments that serve as illusions of control.

Terri Cole [43:36]: "By imagining that life is black and white... it gives us the illusion of control... to avoid our own feelings and situations."

Jessica discusses the challenges of setting boundaries without feeling guilty or fearing disappointment from others. Terri underscores the importance of prioritizing self-care and allowing oneself to make mistakes without judgment.

Terri Cole [38:23]: "You have the right to make mistakes, to course correct and to change your mind."

Notable Quotes

• Jessica Zweig [21:35]: "I already wrote that in the book."
• Terri Cole [29:38]: "We are doing this process with radical curiosity and radical compassion."
• Jessica Zweig [36:55]: "You can do it."
• Terri Cole [43:35]: "What does it protect us from? ... Our own feelings, our own situation."

Conclusion

This episode of The Spiritual Hustler offers a compelling exploration of high-functioning codependency, particularly among successful women. Through Jessica Zweig and Terri Cole's candid dialogue, listeners gain valuable insights into recognizing HFC patterns and implementing practical measures to cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships. The conversation serves as both a mirror and a guide, encouraging women to redefine success not just by external achievements but by inner peace and genuine interdependence.

Additional Resources:

• Terri Cole's Book: Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency
• Jessica Zweig's Books: A No Guide to Increasing Your Self Worth and Net Worth by Simply Being Yourself and Light Work: Reclaim Your Feminine Power, Live Your Cosmic Truth, and Illuminate the World
• Upcoming Retreat: Claim Your Light – Register here (Link provided in show notes)

Join Jessica Zweig and Terri Cole on this transformative journey towards healing, empowerment, and redefining what it means to hustle spiritually.