Kendall Toole: Owning Her Story

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Squeeze

Episode: “Kendall Toole: Owning Her Story”

Date: December 3, 2025
Host: Taylor Lautner
Guest: Kendall Toole

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Overview

In this deeply candid episode, Taylor Lautner welcomes fitness instructor, mental health advocate, and former Peloton star Kendall Toole. The conversation centers on Kendall’s journey through perfectionism, mental health struggles—including a pivotal moment when she nearly ended her life—and her passion for using fitness and vulnerability to help others. The hour is a heartfelt exploration of healing, self-compassion, and the importance of open mental health dialogue.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kendall’s Mental Health Story and Suicide Survival

• The Pivotal Moment
  • Kendall opens the episode by reflecting on being seconds from ending her life during college at USC. Though she appeared successful on the outside, she felt numb and isolated inside.

    “Everything from the surface level was wonderful ... but I was isolating. I wasn’t going out with friends. Biggest thing about that was I felt really numb, like I didn’t feel anything.”
    — Kendall Toole [00:08]

  • She describes a dissociative, out-of-body experience that stopped her:

    “I saw my mom’s name and it said 15 missed calls. And I picked up the phone and she’s like, what’s wrong?”
    — Kendall Toole [01:00]

• Aftermath & Lingering Emotions
  • It took Kendall three years to share what nearly happened with her family, highlighting the shame and loneliness many survivors feel.

2. Early Mental Health Challenges & Perfectionism

• Diagnosed with OCD at age 11, Kendall describes how perfectionism in gymnastics and later, dance, set the stage for anxiety and depression.

  “It’s all good, but be better. Good, but point the toe. Good, but extend.”
  — Kendall Toole [19:21]

• Her OCD manifested in rituals around cleanliness, especially feet, and she still notices these tics resurface during stress.

3. Peloton “Imposter Syndrome” and Career Shifts

• Kendall admits to “faking it” into her cycling role—her first cycling classes were actually audition preps.

  “Cody slid into my DMs and said, do you want to audition for Peloton? … I took two soul cycle classes. … Fake it til you become it.”
  — Kendall Toole [04:24]

• Leaving Peloton was hard and forced her to pause and reevaluate her direction, leading to new ventures and personal growth.

4. Launching NKO Club: Her Mental Health & Fitness App

• Kendall announces her new project, NKO Club (Never Knocked Out Club), combining fitness (cycling, boxing, Pilates), breathwork, journaling, and healthy recipes.

  “There’s three key pillars … fitness, mental health side, and then a gratitude journal … I want to inspire you to have fun with it and find, like, good, nice, healthy recipes that taste good.”
  — Kendall Toole [16:28]

5. Managing Mental Wellbeing as a Fitness Professional

• The grind of teaching fitness daily brought burnout; movement had to be reimagined for her own mental health.

  “The second it becomes a business or a job or an expectation, it’s hard to keep the creative love for it. … I had to fall in love with new types of movement.”
  — Kendall Toole [08:42]

• Kendall now values being a beginner again (like learning tennis) and gives herself permission not to be perfect.

6. Therapy, Relationships & Family Healing

• The role of therapy was critical in Kendall’s recovery; finding language and courage to discuss her struggles with her parents was a major step.

  “I had to get to a point where I even knew how to speak about it, because I think finding the vocabulary around it was really difficult … I didn’t want to admit to myself.”
  — Kendall Toole [35:18]

• Her father’s mantra, “They can knock you down, but they can never knock you out,” became foundational in her healing and branding.

7. Living with and Healing from Depression and Anxiety

• Kendall describes warning signs for herself (numbness, apathy, isolation), and how she now counters those with therapy, gratitude journaling, walks, breathwork, and connections with loved ones and her dog.
• On relationships: Kendall and the host discuss the challenge and eventual beauty of sharing mental health challenges with significant others, and how vulnerability can deepen trust.

8. Tools & Techniques for Emotional Regulation

• Kendall shares practical techniques, including:
  • Nasal breathing: 4-second inhale, 6-second exhale [43:04]
  • Solfeggio frequencies and affirmations for calming the mind [46:28]
  • Pet therapy with her Cavapoo: “He’s my antenna. … You need to pet me right now.” — [43:58]
• She stresses that progress is ongoing:

  “Every time I get a little bit better at it. And I also know that I will go through another season.”
  — Kendall Toole [45:28]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Crisis & Hope:

  “I promise there’s more. … Even when it’s cloudy and gray and dreary, there is always sun on the other side of that. … Don’t let a bad season or even a bad couple years make you think that your purpose and your life is not of such deep and wonderful value.”
  — Kendall Toole [49:27]

• On Starting Over:

  “If you just need breath work or you need … there’s breath work that also has some affirmations. … If we can teach people that you can have both extremes—you can be an athlete; you can be aggressive, but you can also hold space for the softer parts of yourself. That is what we need to normalize in health and fitness.”
  — Kendall Toole [18:46]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Kendall’s suicide survival story: [00:08], expanded at [22:21] & [23:59]
• Getting into Peloton/Imposter Syndrome: [04:24]
• Leaving Peloton & growth: [06:02]
• Launching NKO Club app: [16:27]
• Mental health journey from childhood: [19:20]
• Therapy and family conversations: [35:16]
• Signs & responses to relapse: [38:31]
• Grounding routines (therapy, journaling, movement): [40:38], [41:57]
• Breathwork techniques: [43:04]
• Affirmations & solfeggio: [46:28]
• Message to listeners in crisis: [49:27]

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Tone & Closing

The tone is warm, deeply vulnerable, and honest—moving easily between laughter, tears, and practical advice. Both Taylor and Kendall highlight the power of community, humor, and living proof that light can be found even after the darkest seasons.

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Summary Takeaways

• Healing is nonlinear; the tools you use will change over the years.
• Sharing your struggles can create safe spaces for others and deepen relationships.
• You are not alone—there is always another chapter, and help is available.
• Blend self-compassion with new routines (like breathwork, journaling, novel movement) to manage stress and avoid burnout.
• “They can knock you down, but they can never knock you out.” — a mantra for survival and hope.

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For anyone needing support, the episode provides comfort, camaraderie, and actionable tools, all delivered in a raw and relatable conversation.

Transcript

[Kendall Toole]

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

You were seconds away from ending your life.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, boy. It always comes up, and it's beautiful. And I think it's important to show that even a decade after, you will always be emotional about these things. Something I had a lot of shame about for a long time. You realize how many people have either ideated or have been in a season time and time again. Everything from the surface level was wonderful. I'm at usc. I'm at film school. I'm doing this. I cheered like, you would look like. Girl's killing it. She's happy, you know, I knew something was going on, and I kept trying to bury it down. I kept trying to distract myself, but I was isolating. I wasn't going out with friends. Biggest thing about that was I felt really numb, like I didn't feel anything. And going back to that girl who will always be a part of me, she just felt so lost, thinking that everything I thought was something wrong with me. I didn't have the awareness that the thoughts that I was thinking weren't my truth. That evening, I was just tired. I was numb and I was tired, and I just didn't feel much. I went up onto the roof of the building. I was like, I just need air. I just need air. There's all these bridges as you walk, and then you go up to the rooftop. And I kept envisioning. I remember just thinking, I'm just so tired of feeling nothing moments away. And I had this, like, out of body flash experience that was a fear bigger. I saw my mom's name and it said 15 missed calls. And I picked up the phone and she's like, what? What's wrong? It took me three years to talk about what was gonna happen that night. If anybody's listening to this, you don't have to carry the weight for everybody. It's okay to put some weight down sometimes. And focus on training yourself. Focus on honoring your mind. Focus on those parts of you that need some attention, because it's very easy to mask that and push that down and then kind of wake up in a place where you're like, how did I get here?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Kendall, welcome to the Squeeze.

[Kendall Toole]

Thank you for having me. It's so good to be here.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I am so excited because I have been literally wanting to have you on for years.

[Kendall Toole]

So I know we've talked about it for so long. I'm so sorry it's taken this long to get me here. Like, I'm not a T5 promise.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

No, no. We're we made it happen. We're here. We also just found out that we went to the same junior high, except.

[Kendall Toole]

I'm older, which is why I did not.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, my gosh, that's so good. Okay, so we start each episode off with this jar. A little game called Citrus Got Real. If you would like to pull a little piece of paper out of there and read us that question.

[Kendall Toole]

I was going to go one direction, then I. I went another.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

She pivoted.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. Notes on life. That is a. That's my stamp right now. Pivoting. Yes. Okay. What's a totally random skill or fact about you? Most people don't know, actually. I have a lot of weird ones. Okay. I don't. I'm worried about doing this on camera because there already are people. Like, my feet are on the Internet and I don't want to give them away for free. Like, I don't get money off of it and I. I should protect it. But I'm double jointed in my toes. And that weird.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, whoa.

[Kendall Toole]

And that's strange. They wiggle side to side. Maybe if there's like, guys, I know.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I wonder if this camera. I'm all just like.

[Kendall Toole]

This is off to a wild.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Can you do it on both feet?

[Kendall Toole]

No, I can only do it on my right foot. It's like. Like, what is that? I learned when I was a gymnast as a kid, I would try to point my toes and I think I'd get, like, internally stressed out. So I'd like wiggle my toes in rebellion against my evil gymnastics coach.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I can do that with like my. I can pop my thumb out, but.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, that's weird. Yeah, I can like, pop like that.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I feel like we should dive into this, cuz.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah, you.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I. I just love how open you are about your mental health and it's so inspiring to me and I know to, you know, everyone that like, follows you. And I think for a long time too, I, like, knew. I feel like I knew bits of your story. I mean, also just like, from Peloton. My friends that would take Peloton, like, just loved you. I was not a cyclist, so I can't say I ever.

[Kendall Toole]

It's been over a year for me, but we'll reveal some stuff soon. I get it. I wasn't before either. I lied my way into that job.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, really, girl?

[Kendall Toole]

I took two soul cycle classes and no these. Cody slid into my DMs and said, do you want to audition for Peloton? And speaking of moving to New York, I Knew I wanted to live in New York in my 20s.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I was like, well, I'm broke, and I'm teaching at Rumble off of Sunset, and I needed to get out of it. Cause I was like, I'm making no money. Like, I'm living in a basement in Laurel Canyon, which, you know, there's not basements in California. So that tells you it was essentially a glorified cellar.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

But it worked. It was cute. And so he DMed, and I was like, yeah, sure, I teach cycling, but I took two soul cycle classes. It was like, fake it till you become it. Fake it. So you make it. You know, from dance, right? Yeah, it was that same thing. And then I faked it, and the rest is history. So for a long time, imposter syndrome was real in the training process. And then when I launched, because I was like, I technically have no business teaching anybody this.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, my gosh. Wait. That is so cool.

[Kendall Toole]

You figure it out, you know, and it's rhythmic, and it. You know, because a lot of it's about energy. And then I knew if I was working hard and I do what I was teaching in the classes, like, I could not call something and not do it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I'm not a good enough actor. Like, that's just not. I can't do that.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So I'm like, okay, if I'm feeling gassed, I know to, like, modify my programming if needed. So I was kind of using myself as a litmus test.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

But, yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah, I had no. Oh, my gosh. I got, like, a certification in the training process. But yeah. Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, my gosh. That is so.

[Kendall Toole]

That is so cool. So really, guys, you can do anything. You can be anything.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I love that.

[Kendall Toole]

Fake it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Wait, so how was. How was that decision for you leaving Peloton?

[Kendall Toole]

Was that.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Was that something you, like, debated on for a while and was hard to make?

[Kendall Toole]

It was. It was at a point where, like, we were renegotiating contracts.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And as much as I loved what I did and I love the community, I love getting to connect to people. I loved the sweating and moving together and finally being able to, like, talk about mental health and build a community about that. But I also. Behind the scenes, like, my mental health was not great.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

It's difficult, I think, when you're performing to do something and you're in. That's my whole life was that job. So, like, I didn't have a social life in New York. I didn't go out. I didn't have, like, friend groups. It was Very much. You're kind of this product of, of the brand.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I felt like my identity, like I had to be myself. I had to fight to be me.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And at a certain point I was like, okay, I'm either going to do. I was like, okay, I'll do it for one more year. And then in renegotiations, it kind of just. They made it clear we were in different places. And I was like, okay. Then I guess the time's now. Like, I. I was a big thing. Like, again. And faith is interesting. It's something I've talked about more. There was a lot of like, okay, let me pray through this and figure out. And I was like, look, I need it to be abundantly clear that there, like, you make the choice, you make it clear to me that there's no other option and I will trust.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And that's what happened. And so it's been a year. A year and a few months. And then in a few weeks I'll be sharing and what I'm launching next.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, my gosh.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. Because I couldn't. I was on a non compete, so I couldn't teach anything, do anything in fitness for a year.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

But it was good. It gave me time to like, build and decide what I wanted to bring with me and what I wanted to leave.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It almost like made you, like, just kind of like sit and figure out.

[Kendall Toole]

Slow down what was going on.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And like, and stop and say, is this really what I want?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

You know, this next chapter of my life. Like, I've met a great guy. I know he's it. I know we're gonna have a family one day. How do I want, like, how do I want to be as a woman? How do I want to be as myself?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And if I'm not growing and evolving, I have this community of people that, you know, I'm really honest with.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I'm not doing them a service if I'm not doing the same thing that I'm coaching them and trying to encourage them to do. So it was, it was. I had to do the internal work again.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. I want to know, how do you. How do you manage being a fitness instructor but also, like, finding time to like, do fitness for, like, yourself? That is.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

You know, because I. I mean, very, very different level. But I taught bar and Pilates for a few years after dancing. And it became. I like, started to resent working out. And it's still something. However many years later now I'm like, like, this Past maybe like two months, I've really gotten back into the rhythm and really started to, like, love it again. But there was such a long period of time where I was like, I don't want it.

[Kendall Toole]

I can't. Because you teach it. Yeah. And I think it's. I think it's like that with anything. Right. Like, if you're passionate about something and you love it, the second it becomes a business.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Or a job or an expectation, it's hard to keep the creative love for it in the right way. So for me, it's been learning to move in different ways. Like, there are days I love to go to the gym and lift really heavy. But now that, I mean, I've recorded 40 classes in three weeks once the studios were done. So I was like, okay, my body shot. Yeah, guys, I'm also 32, so get ready, babe, because your hips do start to hurt.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, gosh.

[Kendall Toole]

It's not bad. It's like, very tolerable. But I'm like, oh, okay. The lower. Like, I understand, like, lower back pain for the first time. Oh, my gosh. School. But nothing that, you know, a little. A little infrared and, you know, taking care of your body in a massage can't help. But. Yeah. I think I've had to fall in love with new types of movement. And because of this process of like, building a business and building it in something that people know me for.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I kind of have, like this imposter syndrome a little bit again. Cause I'm like, oh, my God, are they gonna like it in this way? But I have tried to lean into that. So. My boyfriend's like, a really great tennis player. He coached a bunch of people. He'll like, hit with pros and all that. He's a freakin nature. And I was like, okay, I want to learn tennis.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, awesome.

[Kendall Toole]

So I'm moving my body and being a beginner and kind of like, really humbling myself.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Because I think part of it too is like when you, like, you were dancing for years, and then it's Pilates and bar, so you have an expectation for yourself that's really high.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I have the same thing when I weightlift or when I'm boxing. So to really humble myself and like, find a new way of movement, where I was like, I'm gonna suck at this, and I have to be okay with sucking for a while. Kind of brought that joy back because it was a new pathway of thinking of movement without it having to be something that had a level of expectation or like, perfection. To it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So that's what helps me.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I love that.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. Lots of walks in the morning, too, with the puppy.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. That's good. That's like. Our nighttime routine is after dinner, before we, like, wind down and watch the show, we'll take the dogs on a walk. And it's like such a nice. Like, I feel like walking can either be such a good. I mean, it's really good at any time of the day, but, like, starting the morning like that, I feel like it's. I went on a walk with my dog this morning, but yeah, starting your day, I feel like it gets you, like, moving, and then same thing at night. It kind of like winds you down. Like, I feel like it has.

[Kendall Toole]

And it's that bookend. It's just. It's a. I think a lot of people forget how to shift.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Like, nobody talks about going from high intense focus work mode to calm down relax mode.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

There is a bridge between there and. I think a lot of us don't. And myself included, Like, I haven't really. I'm starting to build those habits of how do I downshift or how do I upshift.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. So.

[Kendall Toole]

So walking is actually great. Cause it is. Movement will let you do that. And it's also not a level of intensity.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. That's so good. You know how going to the gym can feel frustrating sometimes. You're showing up, you're putting in the work, you're sweating, but you're not really seeing the changes you want to see. And honestly, that is one of the biggest reasons people fall off of their routine. It feels like you're trying without actually getting anywhere. That's one of the things I love about tonal. Tonal is the ultimate strength training system for a reason. And especially this time of year when life gets crazy. Holidays, travel, work, family workouts are usually the first thing to get cut. But tonal really removes that barrier. Their smart, compact strength training system sits right in your home, ready for you whenever you are. No driving, no waiting for machines, no trying to squeeze in a session before the gym closes. It's literally 247 access to a full gym and a personal trainer in one super, super sleek system. 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[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. Are we ready?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh my God. This is my. I'm like nervous. Literally this is the first time I'm talking about it. Yeah. And we are. So launch date should be November 12th.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

God willing, you guys. Building an app is so difficult. Building a business is difficult.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

But.

[Kendall Toole]

And we worked with this great developer out of Australia, but it is called NKO Club, so never knocked out club. It's the phrase that I would close out my classes with from when I started teaching fitness. It was what my dad, his words. They can knock you down, they can never knock you out.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And that's what got me through my mental health chapter. That's. That's kind of what the community knows me for. And it's beautiful. They have taken it on and made it their thing, but it's really awesome. So there's three key pillars on the app. There's fitness, obviously. So we do have cycling. Your girl has cycled again. We took a break. These hips, these hips are back. Yeah, they are a little rusty, but they're back cycling. Boxing on the heavy bag and shadow boxing, Pilates, strength training and then mental health side breath, work and mobility.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, cool.

[Kendall Toole]

So I'm really excited. I got a breathwork certification. It's all science backed.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Oh, wow.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. And then we have a gratitude journal on there. So you. That's been really helpful. Yeah, it's been a great tool for me every single day to start the day with that. And then we have all these really beautiful, awesome recipes.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And then if you like the recipe, it compiles into a grocery list. So I have, like, ADHD brain. Right. So I'll like a recipe. And I'm like, wait, I forgot the lemons or the lettuce or the this. I have to run back to the store 18 times.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

This. If you like the recipe, it gives all of the ingredients one less and you can check it off as you go. So when you're shopping, you don't forget. Yeah. And then you can hide the macros if you want. It's not macro tracking. So I want to be mindful of people who. They want to be more intuitive with their food. I'm not trying to tell you I'm not a dietitian. I'm not trying to tell you what to eat, but I want to inspire you to have fun with it and find, like, good, nice, healthy recipes that taste good. Oh, my gosh. Or maybe Mac and cheese with hot dogs you can add. We should add yours. We should add your.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Your home cooked favorite, Annie's Organic. Like Mac and cheese. I'm sure there's some, like, healthyish hot dog out there just to, you know.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Like a.

[Kendall Toole]

A Hebrew national.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. That's what.

[Kendall Toole]

No, nitrates.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

That's what we use.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. That's the good one.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

That's the good one.

[Kendall Toole]

Yep. That's what y. I love that for us.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Wait, that's so awesome. That's like an all in one.

[Kendall Toole]

That was the plan.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I wanted to have something where you could open up the app multiple times a day for different reasons. So if it's a day where you want to move your body and you want something more intense, I'll take you through some boxing if you want Pilates and calm and chill.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Or if you just to, you know, you need breath work or you need, like, there's breath work that also has some affirmations.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And that was my favorite thing about coaching was being able to, like, speak really vulnerably to other people and kind of give a pep talk.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So I'm like, if we can teach people that you can have both extremes. You can be an athlete, you can be aggressive, but you can also hold space for the softer parts of yourself. That is what we need to normalize in health and fitness. It's not about PRs all the time.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

You know, you mentioned your mental health journey. I'd love to kind of dive into that a little bit. Was mental health something that you struggled with in your childhood?

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

I was a gymnast growing up. Again, we're gonna find a through line of, like, perfectionism. Here we are. We are emerging. We are really facing that battle right now. It's. It's really good exposure therapy right now. But, yeah, I was a gymnast. And again, that sport, no different than dance, too. It's all good, but be better. Good, but point the toe. Good, but extend. And so for me, it started with gym, with gymnastics, kind of that culture of feeling, you know, a coach is watching. You kind of feel ashamed when you don't do something well, so then you hurt your body or you push yourself to master it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And that started 11 years old, I was diagnosed with OCD. So it's interesting. And, like, even moments like this, like, I always take stock and, like, I'm really grateful when I'm barefoot, which sounds really kind of silly, but when I was 11, I could not be barefoot. I had to have clean feet. That was, like, one of my.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

One of my not rituals. But part of it was I had to have clean feet and I had to have socks on.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

And so for me, I notice even now, if I'm getting more stressed or I'm in a period of life where maybe my mental health starts to dip, all of a sudden, I start hyper fixating on, like, the cleanliness of my feet.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I'm like, okay, that's a sign, because I know what this means. So it started with ocd, and then that manifested in college to being anxiety and depression.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. I love to talk about college. Fast forwarding a little bit. You've opened up about your senior year of college, how you were seconds away from ending your life. And suicide is something that is very close and personal to me. I've lost a dear friend that way. And I want to applaud you for being open and sharing that, because I know how terrifying that could be. But also, I'm just, like, really proud of you for deciding to not go through with that and getting to, like, be here today.

[Kendall Toole]

It'll make me cry.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

You. Well, I actually, I was talking with my friend this morning, and, you know, I was doing my prep for this, and I think, you know, anytime I have someone on the podcast that, you know, has really has gotten so close to taking their life. I think it just hits me so hard because I get to, like. I think I just. It's so inspiring to me because I find hope that my friend didn't have. And, you know, he. He struggled with bipolar disorder and took his life during a manic episode, so there wasn't much decision making there for him to be made. So when. When someone decides to, you know, pivot and go the other way, I'm just, like, filled with emotions of happiness and. But can you take us back to that day and kind of let myself and our lemon drops. Those are our listeners. Know what was going on.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. Firstly, thank you for saying that. It's always really beautiful, and it's part of. I think one of the most special parts of sharing the story has been what's come from having that be so public.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And something I had a lot of shame about for a long time and was afraid to say. And now I meet people and it's like, they'll, you know, they'll come up. Or, like, I'll have, like a. They'll squeeze my hand. They'll be like, I get it. Like, thank you. I've been there. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. And you realize how many people have either ideated or have been in a season or struggled with this time and time again. And so I think having the conversation is really important because there's a feeling at that point where you think you're the only one that's going through that. It's such a feeling of isolation and of lack of feeling.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

You know, I'm a very outgoing, expressive, loud, like, all over the map person. But I think I've also used that as a mask to hide things that are going on much deeper. And in college, that's where it was. Everything from the surface level was wonderful. I'm at usc. I'm at film school. I'm doing this. I cheered like, you would look like. Girl's killing it. She's happy. You know, I had a red beetle that had a sparkly USC sticker. Like, I was a walking stereotype. And I leaned into it hardcore. Okay. Like, I dyed my hair blonde for the first time by myself. Not a good idea. Fried my egg. But, you know, I was very much in. But it was so much of kind of a mask and a Persona. And so that point in time, it will actually. Next month will be 11 years. Oh, wow. Which is wild to think about that a whole decade plus.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Has gone by. And how Much growth has happened because of that night.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And it just. I was at a point. I talked to my mom earlier in the day. She and I are super close. We talked multiple times throughout the day. But I was going through the. That month, those months of the senior year. I knew something was going on, and I kept trying to bury it down. I kept trying to distract myself, but I was isolating. I wasn't going out with friends. It was hard for me to, like, clean my apartment or do the basic things. I spent a lot of time in the gym. The gym has always been a place moving my body and listening to music, that was my safety. Like, I could kind of transport to another world and move physically and mentally go somewhere. But, yeah, I would say the biggest thing about that was I felt really numb. Like I didn't. I didn't feel anything. And going back to that girl who will always be a part of me, she just felt so lost. And I think this impending idea of, like, who was I going to be post graduation? What was my identity? This didn't feel right. And also thinking that everything I thought was something wrong with me. I didn't have the awareness that the thoughts that I was thinking weren't my. My truth.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So I think a big thing with mental health that a lot of us forget is, like, we think. If I think this, it must be factual.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

If I think negative things about myself, it must be because we kind of hype ourselves. We give ourselves too much credit, our brains too much credit. And we're like, oh, it must be true. If I think this part of my body or this part of how I act in public, or I'm, you know, social. I have social anxiety about X. Must be true. And so that evening, I just. I remember I was just tired. I was numb and I was tired, and I just didn't feel much.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And more of. Oh, boy. It always comes up and it's beautiful. And I think it's important to show that even a decade after, you will always be emotional about these things.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And it was evening. I went up onto the roof of the building, and it was an apartment complex that I had helped, like, work at. And so I knew all the back alleys, all the back stairs. And I was like, I just need air. I just need air. But as I walked, there was like, there's all these bridges as you walk, and then you go up to the rooftop. And I kept envisioning, and it was this odd. And I hate heights, which was what's so interesting.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Like, they scared the hell out of me. And they scared the hell out of me even more now. I can't do it now because of that night in particular, but I remember just thinking, I'm just so tired of feeling nothing. And I was tired of masking it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

You know, and at that point, moments away, and I had this like out of body flash experience and it was almost future casting and I just saw my mom and my dad and my brother in the aftermath and, you know, that it would be a spectacle. And I also. I didn't want to be a spectacle. I didn't want to hurt the people that I loved.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And the idea of hurting them was my. That was a fear bigger. And I was able at that point to think that way. Some of us and some people, when. When they're in a mental health state, they don't have. Not that they don't have, but that ability, like for your friend, if you are in a state of mania and that's something that you deal with, thought like that isn't there. You know, your body's just reacting for sure. Your brain's reacting. And so I look and my phone was lit up. I had it on silent. And I look and I saw my mom's name and it said 15 missed calls. And that was that moment. So compiled from that image in my head to seeing the phone light up and then reach for it, and I felt this guilt. And I picked up the phone and she's like, what's wrong? And she knew something was not right. So that instinct for that I think our moms and dads, our parents or our loved ones have for us is very real. And I just said, hey, mom, can you come pick me up from school? Like, you know, I was. They were up in Santa Clarita. I was down at usc. She picked me up. She knew something was wrong. And I. But I never said it took me three years to talk about what was going to happen that night. Wow. I hid it. And I did not like my. We're an open book in my family, like, probably too much so. And I hid it because I was so afraid that if I told my parents how close I was that they would shame themselves and think they should have done more. So I think there's a lot. And in therapy and in growing and being an adult woman and going to therapy consistently as I do now, I really put a lot of responsibility on myself to take care of other people's emotions. And I think a lot of us do, a lot of us who Deal with this. There's this almost sense of. It is. It's a sense of responsibility. Like, I need to put the other people's needs before mine. And I think if anybody's listening to this, they feel really, really relating to this story and to what my experience has been. I want you to understand that, like, you don't have to carry the weight for everybody, and it's okay to. To put some weight down sometimes and focus on training yourself. Focus on honoring your mind. Focus on those parts of you that need some attention.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Because it's very easy to mask that and push that down and then kind of wake up in a place where you're like, how did I get here? Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Wow. Thank you for sharing.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, my gosh. Of course. Yeah. We are sniffly, and we love it. But. But it's. Yeah, I. It was a long process after that, too. You know, it was a lot of therapy and the story, too. Like, for my dad saying, so the whole phrase, they can knock it down. They can never knock you out.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

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[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

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[Kendall Toole]

Can I make my site firmer?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

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[Kendall Toole]

Know mental health is something that runs in my family. It's something that has been in for generations and there's there's been a lot of weight and storytelling there. That is not my story to share.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

It's.

[Kendall Toole]

But for my family members. And a big thing was like, we learned growing up, like, you know, move. Move through it. Find some power through it. So I remember my dad loved the Rocky movies and he had a punching bag that had the chains. And I knew when my dad was having a tough day, I'd hear the chains go on the bag. And so there was this association with, okay, find the fight, fight through it, stay in the fight. All of this. Which is funny. All these things have come up later in life.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I moved home. I had. After that experience. It was right around Thanksgiving. I didn't go back to SC the rest of the semester. My grades were high. My professors were like, she's fine. We could give her the grade. Now we understand. They were wonderful, actually, about prioritizing my mental health, which was great. And I then was doing. Started doing therapy, but I was struggling to get out of bed. I was struggling to wash my hair, to eat, all those things. And my dad, I remember, came up to my room and he was like, look, he was really pleading with me because they were looking at doing inpatient and I was needed to go to an inpatient facility. And my biggest fear was like, I don't want to not graduate on time. I had this idea in my head, like, I don't want to fall behind.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And he looked at me and he's like, what do I always tell you?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

He's like, what do we do in this family? And he's like, I know this is. Has knocked you down, but, like, you can't let this knock you out. And that was his plead. And I was like, okay, I will do. I will get back up and I will try to do the basics for my family. And then that has fast forward. That's the whole reason behind even building this next chapter is like wanting to remind people of that and take the words from my dad. The words that have gotten me through these seasons. Yeah. And remind people there is more. And just because you're down on the ground doesn't mean there's not another chance to get back up and keep going.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. That's so good.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

What was that conversation like telling your parents? Had you told your. Did your therapist know?

[Kendall Toole]

My therapist knew.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

And we had. I talked to him. He was in Brentwood. I remember my mom would drive me down to Brentwood all the time, which got that traffic was like, you. You guys. Something about going to therapy. Especially when you're going. When you really need to go.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Is. And I want to applaud anybody who's taking those steps to honor their mental health, because it is so scary.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Like, I remember my heart being out of my chest, not wanting to go. Like, debating with myself internally about, like, I don't really need this. It's like, yes, I do.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Yes, I do. I know where I'm at. And he and I would talk about it, and he's like, you know, you can speak with them when you're ready. I do think they. It would be helpful for them to know, but I think he was on alert, obviously. Client, patient, privilege. I was over 18, all of that. But I had to get to a point where I even knew how to speak about it, because I think finding the vocabulary around it was really difficult for a long time because I didn't want to admit to myself.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

How if I didn't have that flash, if I didn't. My mom didn't call. Like, it was so close. So it's like trying to navigate telling the people that brought you into the world that love you so much, that are doing everything for you.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

That their whole world would have changed.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Was hard.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Wow.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I know. I think about, like, having hard conversations like that, because that's something I. Not. I mean, I think similarly to what you've kind of shared. Like, I always think about, like. And I think this is just undiagnosed OCD that I probably need to talk to my therapist about. But I'm always like, if I die, will Taylor be okay? I always think about. I tell. I literally tell them all the time. I'm like, you know, like, don't lose your faith. Like, keep in contact with people. Like, yep. Marry again, Date again. Like, I'm so. Like. Like, if I were to die tomorrow, like, you need to do all this because this is what I want you to do in your kid. Like, I, like, stress about it so much, but. But I. And in the same breath, like, when I've, you know, struggled with my mental health before, I worked as a Covid nurse.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

And, you know, obviously dealt with a lot of my own stuff. And for a long time, I didn't want to bring it up to Taylor because I know that he was gonna take it as, like, he did something wrong and he's not helping me enough. And I think it's such a beautiful thing. Like, obviously, in the moment, it's not fun for either party, either having to share or having to you know, be the person that is hearing that their loved one is struggling. But, you know, through that, I feel like we've found such a beautiful relationship. And now, like, he knows when I'm struggling, it's not him. And he's, like, really able to remove himself from the equation unless it is him, but it never really is him, but he's able to remove himself from the equation and really be there for me. And I feel safe enough now to come to him when I'm struggling because I know that he's not going to take it personally. And it provides me a safe space. So in the moment, it's not fun, but I think it's so beautiful what it could do to your family relationship, your marriage, whatever form of relationship it is. There's such beauty in that. Did you. After that, have you ever. Have you struggled with suicidal thoughts since then?

[Kendall Toole]

No, there's been a few moments where I. I would have an ambient thought it does come, you know, and where things start to. I. I would say I. I can judge my numbness.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

When I start to get apathetic towards things that bring me joy, or I'm starting to really isolate and self retreat.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

That's my. That's my warning bell.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And that's kind of where it's like, okay, I need to start making some changes or I need to go and make sure. Am I spending time with my friends? Am I, you know, fulfilling myself in other ways? And I love what you said, too, about having those hard conversations, because it is important. And for any women listening out there, who I think in, you know, for me, with. With my relationship with my boyfriend, who I love so much, and he's wonderful. I was always so scared of being in a, like, wonderful, serious relationship because I'm like, okay, this person, I come with, this, you know, it's part of who I am. It's not something I have shame over. And it's something that's been a beautiful part of my being able to connect and help. And I'm. My ability to have empathy for other people is so much deeper because you see, you understand a little bit deeper the levels that people experience. And so I was like, okay, is he, you know, is he gonna be good with this?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I think a beautiful part about having those open conversations. And he and I have been together almost two years, and we've done a lot, and we've lived a lot of life. It feels like we've been together for a decade, but it is having those conversations, and it was Something similar where it's like, if I bring it up to Alex, and at first it's like, oh, my gosh, I want to fix it. I think a lot of guys are like, how can I come in and fix? It's my job to protect you. And it's like, yeah, no, I just need to express this is where I'm coming from. And then what's been able to happen is, like, it does. It builds a foundation where now he can open up about things that he would probably internalize and feel the need to fix on his own because of the ability to have those open conversations. And.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I've watched family members or friends, like, start therapy or start to call you when they're in a bind because they know you're someone that they can speak to because you opened that vulnerable door first.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And it is. It's pretty incredible how just giving a little bit of a peek into your world.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Creates such a safety for others as well.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. What does healing look like for you today?

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, my gosh. 1. Getting back into therapy weekly. We'd move. We moved from. I still have a place up in New York, but, like, we rented out, and Alex and I moved down to Florida. So everything that I'm building is. Because I can build it in Florida.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Sorry, guys. It's cheaper there. Like, I'm a California girl through and through, but it's. It's. It's nice, and it's very peaceful and quiet.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

But. But. Yeah. So when we moved down to Florida, a big thing was I felt the pressure building. And I had usually done therapy, and I was in between therapists. That's a real thing.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Therapist breakup is. Is a whole other world and trying to find the right one. And I got to a point, and he and I had a conversation. I had a very rough, like, anxiety attack. And when we moved. And I think it was all these layers of letting go of the version of myself that I was to the world and starting to be in between building this new one.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And it's been a beautiful time where I've had to slow down as much as I've sped up in the creating of other things to they say, like, to move fast, go slow.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And I've had to go back to basics of, okay, what is my mental health routine look like now?

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

You know, now that we're on 247 and calls and meetings and building and. And whatnot. Where are my moments in the day where I find peace? Like, I really had to nail it Back down. So it's the gratitude journaling in the morning.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Great.

[Kendall Toole]

First thing I do, not look at my phone. Social media has become something for me where, like, I just need more breaks from it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I feel like the energy of it's.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Shifted over the last few years. Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

At least for me. And as wonderful as it can be, I want it to stay a place that's joyful and community oriented and not just where it feels like an attention game, which it kind of feels like right now for me. So I was like, all right, I need space from that.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Honestly, I love a good massage. Oh, my God. Good body work, girl. A massage all the time. And then I. Yeah. Therapy every week. Even if I'm on the road, even if I'm in another state. And it's great. My therapist, she's no bs.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Like, she calls me on my crap. She's great. And she's lived her life. Like, she'll be like, oh, yeah, this is what I did. I'm like, damn, you got stories. And she's like, oh, yeah, that's why I do this. I'm like, okay, I feel really safe with you. And so she'll, she'll text me. She's like, you're not skipping today. Yeah, we're doing it digitally. So. Yeah. Therapy has been really important too. And just allowing myself to take a different pace and be okay. That it doesn't feel normal yet.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. When you start to feel like, anxious or stuck, what. What's the first thing you do to kind of get you out of that?

[Kendall Toole]

I usually try to get outside and walk. I need. That's a big one. Or a big new tool. Has been breathing so you won't be able to tell. Right now I get very nasally and stuffy and I think it's a sign of like, I don't know. I'm getting my blood panel soon. I think my cortisol levels are really high, guys. Like, there's inflammation on in here. But I do this nasal breathing. So it's a 4 second inhale and a 6 second exhale. Really gentle, really slow, really low. And it's been fascinating, of course, like, the science behind this is wild, but the nitrous oxide that's made in your nose, that then helps expand the capillaries of your brain so your frontal lobe gets oxygenated so you can be a little bit calmer. You can start to relax more. So I've been trying, trying, guys, trying. Operative word here. We're still trying to make this a standard practice Is to go to breathing first. First.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And to find that way. And again, petting my dog, doing something like, tactile with an animal. Because he's my antenna.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, my gosh. If my. The second I start to teeter or Alex starts to go, he'll like, run into the other room or he'll come up to me. He's like a 20 pound Cavapoo. He's so cute. And he'll stick his paw on me and he'll look at me like, you need to pet me right now. Or he'll bring me his ball like we're playing fetch. You need to take a break.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So it's interesting to have a dog. I'm like, oh, you're my litmus test.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

In cute form.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I love that. The dogs, they just bring. They just bring so much goodness.

[Kendall Toole]

I. I love a dog.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

They're angels on earth.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I know. That's. That's us with ours. How. How has your relationship with your mental health changed over the years? Do you, like. Do you feel like you see yourself differently now than, you know, 11 years ago when you were struggling with it?

[Kendall Toole]

Absolutely. I think what's interesting with. With there's something about when you start focusing on your mental health. Yeah. You get a little bit more at peace with knowing every phase of your life. You're gonna look back and you're kind of gonna have like a cringe moment. Like, oh, that's how. Oh, that's how we. Oh, we manage it that way. Or. Oh, wow, girl, you were. Margaritas were your friend for a while. Like, that was. I was a bartender for myself during COVID I was in a. In a studio in New York City, not teaching peloton classes for the bartender.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

For myself.

[Kendall Toole]

Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, let's. Let's get some tahin.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah. And so I was like, okay. That might not have been the best practice for me. You know, when you look back, I think with. With looking back at how I've managed my mental health, I'm proud that every time I get a little bit better at it. And I also know that I will go through another season.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

So when the dips start to come and they always do, and it is. There's a seasonality to it. I'm like, all right, girl, we've been here before.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

It's okay that we're not gonna feel our best. And I really try to give myself grace. It's a big one. Is understanding. Like we've gone through before. We'll get through this again, but it's okay. And you'll look back in a year and cringe. And that's part of it. That's part of growth. That's part of life.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah. It's so good. I like what you said too, earlier about trying. Like, I think I feel like I've learned that now. This is like, what, just like adulthood and the rest of your life looks like, like, not to be like, pessimistic or anything, but it's really like you are just like you're trying to get through. But I think it's the, the beauty of learning and having those tools and, you know, doing the work, being prepared.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

So that when, like, the trying gets really hard, like, you're able to better go about it. But I'm. I'm like, all for, like, trying new, new stuff and. Oh, yeah. I love, I love the breathing. It's so good.

[Kendall Toole]

The breathing is great and even. Just like, I love. Oh, that. And then solfeggio frequencies. Are you into that? Oh, no, this is a little Woo.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Ooh.

[Kendall Toole]

I love a little get ready, babe. Oh, okay. I don't. We're in California. I'm like, oh, I know. I love it. Whenever I come here, I'm like, oh, yeah. Palo Santo in the back. It's like, oh, have you tried this? It's always like, it's always so unexploratory out here. We need New York and the east coast to get a little bit more of that. I think they're getting there, but so. Okay. These are awesome. Okay. If you ever, like, especially when my brain is racing very, very fast.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

Or I'm having trouble sleeping. It's really cool. So the way. And now if anybody's a doctor of audio. Doctor, audologist, or I don't know what it's called. Do not. Audologist. That we're gonna. Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I have no clue. Cool.

[Kendall Toole]

I have no clue either. And someone will probably come in. DMs, be like, this is what it is. I'll be like, okay, great. Please educate me. But I guess when you listen, when you. Your ears listen separately and then they look for the dissonance in the decibel level. And that's what your brain computes is the change in, like, the difference between the decibels. So these frequencies, there's one like 528 hertz.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

And I am not. I don't know what it is. And it sounds woo, woo. Or maybe it's placebo effect. But I'm telling you this works. And it's this com. Almost like general white noise sound, but doesn't sound snowy.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

It's almost like a buzz or a bell.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay.

[Kendall Toole]

But then it can be layered with other elements on the track. And I just listen to it and the way that it calms me down. And then I'll just start saying affirmations to myself or, like, I'm safe. Yeah, we are good. Great things are coming. We'll find a way through this. And I just start repeating that while I listen to that music.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

And it's just like my nervous system calms down. I'm like, yeah, okay. It's almost. It feels like a nap, almost.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah, no, there's definitely. Even if it's not, like, quote, unquote, science behind it, like, there it does something to you. But also, like, I am all for a placebo effect. Like, if something's gonna, like, work for me, that's. I have that conversation all the time with Taylor because he's so, like. Well, that doesn't make sense. Like, he's so fast. Yeah, very much so. He's like, well, that. That. There's no way. That doesn't. That doesn't make sense. And I'm like. And I'm like, the one that's like. I also think that's, like, a female thing, too.

[Kendall Toole]

I think we're feelers. We're open. Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

We feel. We're just like. Like, kind of down for whatever is gonna, like, make us feel better. And the men are like, no, that's not.

[Kendall Toole]

Well, we menstruate. Like, I'm sorry. We. Every month. Every month we have, like, four different versions of ourselves. Sometimes five.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

You know, depending on what's going on. So. Yeah. I'm like, guys, of course we feel things deeper.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

That's.

[Kendall Toole]

Alex is the exact same way. He's like, what is that? And then I'll start doing it. And then like, the eighth time, he's like, oh, yeah, that kind of works. I'm like, yeah, but I don't, like, make a point. I'm like, I never tell him to try it.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

I'm just, like, starting a new habit. And he's like, oh, that's kind of cool.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

And I'm.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah, pretty cool. You should.

[Kendall Toole]

You should come over to my side of the world. Give it a go. Try it out, Try it, try it out.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Okay. Last question I have for you is, what would you say to someone that is feeling like you once did where they just can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Kendall Toole]

I wish I could, like, physically be there to give them a hug. I think a big thing is just like, I. So I'm emotionally giving you a hug through. Through the. You know, through the podcast. But I promise there's more. I think that's the hardest part when you're in that place is.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Yeah.

[Kendall Toole]

The feeling feels so overwhelming and final. It feels like you'll never. Like, the tides will never turn and the clouds will never go away, but, you know, for the sake of a metaphor. And I love, like, I love flying. And I thought about this on the way here. There's. There was all these storms on the east coast and coming west, and it was a gray day and kind of nasty, yucky blah. And the second you get over that cloud break, and it was the most gorgeous, fluffy clouds, sunset, bright colors, and we're coming west. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Even when it's cloudy and gray and dreary, there is always sun on the other side of that. There's always, like, a goodness there for you. There's always, like, a purpose to why you're here, and there is more through it. So don't let let a bad season or even a bad couple years help you, make you think that your purpose and your life is not of such deep and wonderful value.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I love that. Yeah, that's a good way to end.

[Kendall Toole]

Okay. I know. We're like.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

I love.

[Kendall Toole]

I love all the. We have so many layers. I'm, like, talking. I'm like, I'm gonna cry again. This is beautiful.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

We're crying. We're laughing. I love it. I love it. We're women. I know. Us women. Women.

[Kendall Toole]

All the layers.

[Host of The Squeeze Podcast]

Well, thank you so much much for coming and sharing. This has been so good.

[Kendall Toole]

Yeah, this is awesome. Thank you so much. This is so plastic. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.