Mel Robbins: Let Them

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Squeeze" with Mel Robbins – Episode: "Let Them"

Overview

In this compelling episode of The Squeeze, host Taylor Lautner welcomes renowned motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins to discuss her transformative "Let Them" theory. Mel Robbins delves deep into the intricacies of control, mental well-being, and the profound impact of letting go in personal relationships. Through personal anecdotes, practical strategies, and insightful research, Robbins offers listeners actionable tools to enhance their mental health and interpersonal dynamics.

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1. Introduction to Mel Robbins and the "Let Them" Theory

Timestamp: [01:34] – [06:43]

The episode begins with Mel Robbins expressing her enthusiasm to discuss her "Let Them" theory, a concept she developed two years prior after years of struggling with control issues. Robbins explains how her early experiences in nursing and witnessing loved ones' struggles with mental health shaped her understanding of the importance of control.

Notable Quote:

"There are only three things you can control in life: What you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. That's it. That's all you got, and that's all you need." – Mel Robbins [02:15]

2. Understanding Control and Its Limits

Timestamp: [06:43] – [14:27]

Robbins elaborates on the fundamental human need for control and how attempting to manage uncontrollable aspects of life leads to stress and frustration. She emphasizes the necessity of distinguishing between what one can control and what lies beyond their influence.

Notable Quote:

"We will never be able to control what somebody else thinks, says, or does. So you gotta learn to let other people have their feelings, let other people have their thoughts, let people do what they're gonna do." – Mel Robbins [06:50]

3. The Catalyst: A Personal Anecdote from Prom Night

Timestamp: [14:27] – [25:27]

Robbins shares a pivotal moment that led to the crystallization of her "Let Them" theory. During her son's high school prom, unforeseen circumstances and her daughter's intervention prompted a significant shift in her approach to control and stress management.

Notable Quote:

"And when your daughter grabbed my arm and said, 'Let them,' that instant release changed everything for me." – Mel Robbins [17:45]

4. Practical Applications of "Let Them" in Daily Life

Timestamp: [25:27] – [41:05]

Robbins provides tangible examples of how the "Let Them" theory can be applied in everyday situations—from dealing with long lines at stores to managing social media pressures. She underscores the importance of focusing energy on controllable aspects and letting go of what one cannot influence.

Notable Quotes:

"When you say 'Let them,' you are acknowledging that something is beyond your control and detaching from it emotionally." – Mel Robbins [34:05]

"Your social media is for you. It's your self-expression. Let them think whatever they want." – Mel Robbins [22:37]

5. Impact on Personal Relationships

Timestamp: [41:05] – [64:35]

Robbins delves into how embracing the "Let Them" approach has revolutionized her relationships, particularly her marriage. By relinquishing the need to control her husband's actions and behaviors, Robbins has fostered a more harmonious and respectful partnership.

Notable Quote:

"Learning that the best way to love somebody is to let them be themselves." – Mel Robbins [07:52]

6. Implementing the Theory: Overcoming Challenges

Timestamp: [64:35] – [73:15]

Addressing common skepticism, Robbins reassures listeners that adopting the "Let Them" mindset is both practical and achievable. She discusses the transformative power of shifting one's focus from uncontrollable external factors to internal responses.

Notable Quote:

"Your entire experience of life is determined by what you pour your time and energy into." – Mel Robbins [43:36]

"The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you've unknowingly given to everybody else." – Mel Robbins [43:10]

7. Theatre of Letting Go: Real-World Outcomes and Research

Timestamp: [73:15] – [77:50]

Robbins highlights the widespread adoption and acclaim of her "Let Them" theory, referencing her book's success and the positive feedback from a global audience. She intertwines her personal journey with empirical research, reinforcing the theory's validity and effectiveness.

Notable Quote:

"Let them is not a license to be a doormat. It's about recognizing it's not your job to fix that person." – Mel Robbins [73:14]

"It liberates you, and it changes your relationship profoundly." – Mel Robbins [55:54]

8. Conclusion: Embracing Control and Letting Go

Timestamp: [77:50] – [End]

In the closing segments, Robbins reiterates the essence of the "Let Them" theory—empowering individuals to reclaim their energy by letting go of uncontrollable elements. She encourages listeners to apply these principles to enhance their relationships, mental health, and overall quality of life.

Notable Quote:

"You can't take control of your own life until you stop trying to control everything and everyone around you." – Mel Robbins [77:29]

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Key Takeaways:

1. Identify Controllable Elements: Focus on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and emotional responses.
2. Let Go of the Rest: Accept that others' thoughts, feelings, and actions are beyond your control.
3. Enhance Relationships: By allowing others to be themselves, relationships become more authentic and less stressful.
4. Reclaim Your Energy: Stop wasting time and energy on uncontrollable factors to improve mental well-being.
5. Practical Implementation: Apply the "Let Them" theory in daily scenarios to experience immediate benefits.

Conclusion

Mel Robbins' "Let Them" theory presents a transformative approach to managing control and enhancing mental well-being. By embracing this mindset, listeners are equipped to navigate life's challenges with greater ease, fostering healthier relationships and a more peaceful existence. This episode of The Squeeze serves as an empowering guide for anyone seeking to reclaim their energy and lead a more fulfilling life.

Transcript

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[Mel Robbins]

You're welcome. Oh, you're welcome. Welcome to the Squeeze. And I say you're welcome. Oh my God. This is already off the rails. I'm excited to squeeze both of you.

[Co-Host 1]

Ooh, we're diving right in.

[Co-Host 2]

Nothing.

[Co-Host 1]

I'm getting sweaty under the sweater.

[Co-Host 2]

Oh, well, you are actually.

[Co-Host 3]

I feel you, baby.

[Co-Host 4]

I feel my warmth.

[Co-Host 1]

Any sort of conflict or confrontation, I just vanish.

[Mel Robbins]

Gosh, you're gonna love the Let them theory. I didn't learn the Let Them theory until two years ago, and I was the kind of person that just tried to control everything. People around me, situations at work. If you try to control something that's beyond your control, it just creates stress and frustration and friction inside you. Learning how to identify what can I control and what can I not control. And there's only three things you can control in life. What you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. That's it. That's all you got, and that's all you need. We will never Be able to what somebody else thinks, says, or does. You got to learn to let other people have their feelings, let other people have their thoughts. Let people do what they're going to do. Has created so much peace and freedom in my life. Learning that the best way to love somebody is to let them be themselves.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And the best way to motivate somebody to change is to actually leave them alone.

[Co-Host 2]

I mean, with that. Mel, welcome to the Squeeze.

[Mel Robbins]

You're welcome. Oh, you're welcome. Welcome to the Squeeze. And I say you're welcome. Oh, my God. This is already off the rails.

[Co-Host 1]

It is. You're welcome for setting us up like that because it was such a natural segue.

[Co-Host 2]

That was a good. That was a good intro.

[Co-Host 1]

So thank you.

[Mel Robbins]

You're welcome. Thank you. I'm excited to Squeeze both of you.

[Co-Host 1]

Look forward to.

[Co-Host 2]

I don't even think I really need Matt Laptop. I feel like she could just talk to us for an hour.

[Co-Host 1]

Just wanna interview us.

[Mel Robbins]

Sure. So what do you hate most about him?

[Co-Host 1]

Ooh, we're diving right in.

[Co-Host 2]

Nothing.

[Co-Host 1]

I'm getting sweaty under the sweater.

[Co-Host 2]

Oh, well, you are, actually.

[Co-Host 3]

I feel. You made me feel my warmth.

[Mel Robbins]

That's a mentally healthy response to being in my presence.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

Cause, you know, I am just gonna go right at it.

[Co-Host 2]

Oh, I love.

[Co-Host 1]

Great.

[Co-Host 2]

Those personalities scare Taylor. I love them.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Really?

[Co-Host 1]

It's true.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm married to somebody like you, so.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

You guys have a lot of fun.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes. A turtle just suck right back into that show.

[Co-Host 1]

There's like any. Any. Like, what were we talking about yesterday in therapy? Conflict or confrontation? Yeah. If there's any sort of conflict or confrontation, I just want to vanish.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, my gosh. You're going to love the let them theory.

[Co-Host 1]

Am I?

[Co-Host 2]

See.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, yeah, because being afraid of conflict isn't actually about being afraid of conflict.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Mel Robbins]

It's an inability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions in yourself or other people.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

It's your internal conflict that is the issue. It's not the conflict with the other person.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And the interesting thing about the tactic of just avoiding it is it doesn't make the conflict go away.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so there is a better way to go through life, and it's to learn that you can let someone else be upset, you can let the conversation be difficult, and you can still say what you need to say and do what you need to do and hold space for both things. And I'm sure we're gonna talk a lot about this theme of control and how every one of us has a hardwired need for control in our life, it's literally every human being. You know, in order to feel safe, you have to feel like you're in control of what you say, of what you do, of the environment around you, of your future, of your decisions. And the second that somebody tries to impose their decisions on you or they try to control you, you're going to feel unsafe. And one of the things that I learned way too late in life, and that's why I'm so excited to be able to talk to you guys about this, is I'm 56, so old enough to probably be your grandmother at this point. And I didn't learn the let them theory until two years ago. And I was the kind of person that just tried to control everything. The people around me, situations at work, the world at large. And any psychologist will tell you that if you try to control something that's beyond your control, it just creates stress and frustration and friction inside you. And so learning how to identify, what can I control and what can I not control and only focus on what you can control. And there's only three things you can control in life. What you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. That's it. That's all you got, and that's all you need. And too often. And what we're gonna unpack today is that in your relationship, a lot of us confuse love with control and worry.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And we also create friction and frustration in our relationships because we're managing other people or we're navigating our own lives based on other people's emotions or expectations. And we will never be able to control what somebody else thinks, says, or does. So you gotta learn to let other people have their feelings, let other people have their thoughts, let people do what they're gonna do. And constantly come back in moments where you feel stressed or frustrated or you feel like you don't know what to do. Say to yourself, let me. Let me remind myself, I get to choose what I think next. I get to choose what I do in response. I get to choose how I'm gonna process these emotions. And learning how to literally stop trying to control things and other people that I can't control has created so much peace and freedom in my life. I've been married for 28 years. My husband and I. I can't even explain how much better our marriage is. And it was already really good. But learning that the best way to love somebody is to let them be themselves.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And the best way to Motivate somebody to change is to actually leave them alone.

[Co-Host 1]

Right.

[Mel Robbins]

Why do you say right?

[Co-Host 1]

Cause, Yeah. I think it's thought too often that if you want to change somebody, you have to, whether it's forcefully or sneakily, trick them into doing what you think they should be doing.

[Mel Robbins]

Right. How does she do that to you?

[Co-Host 1]

She's. She's very good at letting me figure it out. She's not, she's not a sit me down type of person. And like, hey, you're doing this, and I think you should be doing this. So she, she definitely is very good at. I know what she's thinking, but she, she'll never sit me down and be like, sometimes I want that, though.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 1]

Like that we're different in that way. Sometimes I wish she would sit me down and say, I disagree with what you're doing. Like, I think you're. You're harming yourself. You should be doing this. Like, I'm like, just tell it to me. But she wants me to figure that out, which sounds like it's, you know, a good thing.

[Mel Robbins]

Very good thing.

[Co-Host 2]

Doing the right thing.

[Mel Robbins]

I've literally said not bad for your second year of marriage.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2]

Thank you.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2]

I mean, we have been together for like seven years, so we had a little practice, but.

[Co-Host 3]

A little practice.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah. We communicate, I feel like, really well with each other.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, I'd say if you're doing a podcast together about mental health, you probably have learned how to communicate pretty well together. It's the goal.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Either or that or you're doing it indirectly by really putting other people in the hot seat.

[Co-Host 1]

Exactly. We're speaking to each other through these conversations.

[Co-Host 2]

Imagine.

[Co-Host 3]

Oh, my gosh.

[Co-Host 2]

That would probably be really great for the ratings, but it's fine. I'm literally so excited right now. I keep smiling because I'm so giddy. I just love having, like, experts like you on and I'm just so excited to have you on specifically because I just love everything that you do and what you're about and I love that you keep it real. And at the same time, like, there's. I feel like with, you know, mental health and how to go about these, like, wellness techniques and self help things, whatever it is. Sometimes there's like, not a practicality to it. And I feel like you keep it very practical, which I love. And we were actually at dinner with my parents the other night and, you know, we're just talking about life we were having on the podcast. They, like, never know who we're having on and they Were like, who. Who are you guys taping with? And I was like, oh, well, next.

[Co-Host 3]

Week we're with Mel Robbins.

[Co-Host 2]

My mom literally, like, throws her drink across the table. Mel Robbins. And I was like, you know who that is? My parents don't know who anyone is.

[Co-Host 1]

And she was like, yeah, I send you Instagram videos.

[Co-Host 2]

The first thing she goes. She goes, yeah, the let them theory. I was like, what are you. What are you talking about? She was like, I just sent it to your dad. And then she, like, starts going on about your story.

[Co-Host 1]

She sent you Instagram reels of her before?

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 1]

And we're notorious for not watching all of the Instagram reels she sends us.

[Mel Robbins]

Let them. You know, sorry, Mom.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah, we watched some of them, just not all of them. But yeah, she was very excited.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah. So there's.

[Co-Host 3]

We're.

[Co-Host 2]

We were just really satisfied.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, you actually just nailed why the Mel Robbins Podcast was the fifth most followed podcast in the world on Apple podcasts this year. It's because everybody is sharing the episodes because there's something we're talking about that you think somebody else in your life could benefit from. And my mission being here with you guys today is to make sure that we leave the person who's listening with something to do. And that as we're talking that and you're spending time together with the three of us, that you're either thinking of yourself or somebody who could benefit from what we're about to share with you. Because there is no doubt that the let them theory and learning how two simple words change your whole life will change your life. It will change every relationship that you have. Because every single one of us right now is working against the fundamental wiring of human beings. We're trying to control each other and change each other, and it's backfiring. And there's a better way to go through relationships. I discovered this too late, thank God. I discovered this at 54. But if I could have known this at the age of 19 or 20, the amount of fricking toxic behavior and disgusting stuff that I regret that I did to myself or other people probably wouldn't have happened, because I would have understood that in the game of life, you're never playing against other people. You're playing with them. And that the cards that you're holding are what you have to focus on. And it's where your power is. You can learn how to play the game of life from other people. They can make you better players, but you're never competing against them. You're Never against them. If you learn to play with people and you learn to focus not on what cards they're holding and trying to change them or being jealous of them, but actually just always coming back and realizing that you win by looking at your hand and figuring out how to play it. And I think a lot about this because I was always so obsessed about what everybody else was doing and feeling like I knew better for my kids or my husband or my parents, they should be this way, they should be that way. And the second that you learn, if you just focus on yourself and you focus on making changes that make you proud of yourself, then everything shifts in your life. Because you don't spend time and energy worrying about what other people doing or feeling like it's your responsibility to make them happy. You show up in a way where you are aligned with what you value and your energy shifts and that changes everything. And I don't think any of us realize how much power we have. And the reason why we don't realize that is because we've spent our lifetime giving it to other people. Worrying about their opinions, managing their moods and emotions, trying to make people happy, trying to insert ourselves into the right friend group, trying to get people to operate in ways that we want them to operate. It's exhausting. And when you learn to just let them, let adults be adults, let people live their lives, your life gets so much better. It's just extraordinary.

[Co-Host 1]

So I feel like. I'm so curious. I feel like we should just dive into the book because. So you say that you got this idea at 54. Did something happen in your life?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. So here's what happened. So it was my son's high school prom. Never thought I would tell you that a high school prom changed my life.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I had gone through two of them with our daughters. Complete fucking nightmare. You know, the tans, the this, the that, the other thing. Oh, my God. Like, you know the claiming of the dresses in the Facebook group before, like, it was just like, what the fuck is going on? Yes, this is a thing.

[Co-Host 2]

Oh, I didn't have that.

[Mel Robbins]

And so it was like a five month panic attack leading up to this thing. So by the time our son rolls around, I figure we got this. I've been through four of these things. Is gonna be easy. It was worse.

[Co-Host 1]

What?

[Mel Robbins]

Because, well, he was a guy, he was like, so nonchalant. I'm not sure if I'm going, I don't know, two days before, all of a sudden he's like, I'm going to. So Now I have to get a tux. I gotta find the sneakers he wants. It's like this mad dash race, you know, a date that he doesn't know. And so I'm in overdrive like most moms. Completely irritating, controlling and micromanaging. And we get to the night of the prom, we get into the car and we go to the pre prom where everybody takes photos. And our daughter Kendall, who went to usc, was home for a break. And so she was with us. And so we go to this person's house and we take the photos. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it starts to rain. And by rain, I'm talking, like downpour. And nobody is ready for this. Not to mention because I have not been read in on the details. I am now kind of learning in bits and pieces how the evening's gonna go. And it's very different because we had moved from how our daughters was gonna go. So I'm like finding. Wait a minute, there's no bus. You're driving. What do you mean? You're gonna borrow dad's truck. You're driving to the prom. What? Where are you guys going to dinner? You don't have reservations for dinner? Now it's raining. So now I'm like, getting all amped up. And as you're listening and I see you nodding, you're probably thinking about moments where your parents or somebody just had their grips on you. And so all the parents now are getting worked up because of the rain and no umbrellas and nowhere to eat. And now they're all driving and I start yelling, I can't find a reservation. And my daughter grabs my arm and is like, mom, you're being annoying. And I'm like, but they don't have a reservation. And Oakley's like, oh, no, no, we're just gonna go to the taco stand. I'm like, taco stand? You can't go to the taco stand in the pouring rain and dress like, you're gonna ruin your mom. And she, like, grabs my arm. She's like, let them. If they want to go to a taco stand, let them. But her hair. But if he ruins his shoes, let them. But, mom, if they want to go to a taco stand and get soaking wet and dance in wet tuxedos all night, let them. It's their prom, not yours. Let them. And there was something about just the contrast of my ridiculousness and her, like, grip on my arm and the Let them. Let them. Let them. That it just had this weird effect, like, There's. It was like. And I thought, why do I care about this? Like, why am I not worried about where I'm eating? Like, why am I allowing this to get me worked up? Why am I creating stress for everybody? This is stupid. And I've personally never been the kind of person that could let anything go because I feel like it's admitting defeat. You know, when you say, oh, I gotta let it go, it means you can't do anything about it. I hate it. And so there was something in me when she said that final Let them. That I felt this instant release. And so I walked up to Oak and I said, hey, Oak. And he's like, what? Cause I've been really annoying. Here's 40 bucks. Go have fun. And he looked at me like, whoa, okay. Thanks, Mom.

[Co-Host 2]

Who is this woman? What have you done with my mom?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And he and his date ran out the door, and, yep, as they were running down to my husband's truck, it splashed mud up all over her dress, and his shoes got ruined, and it's kind of cute. And that was that. But then the next morning, I'm standing at a. Like a. You know, like, you go to, like, a big box store and you're at the garden center, and there's, like, five people in front of me, and I'm standing there with my cart of stuff. And the person that is doing the checkout, it's like, beep, beep, beep. Small talk, chat, chat, chat, beep, beep, beep. Oh, I forgot this. The woman runs around, and we've all been there. You're standing at the grocery store. You're five people deep. There's seven empty registers, and no one's coming to, like, fill it, right? And you start to feel the stress rise. And what you're gonna notice when you start using the let them theory and you start saying, let them in, your life is other people are really irritating, and most of your stress comes from other people. And you're allowing things that are outside of your control and that are beneath you. And in terms of what's worth time and energy to actually impact you. And so as I'm standing there and you feel the stress going, like, why aren't they opening their cash registers? And how long is this gonna take? And can they just shut up and, like, start screen. And you know how when you get frustrated in line, you, like, almost wanna turn to the person behind you and roll your eye and, like, can you believe we've all been there? Right?

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But I just say to Myself. Let them. Let them. If they're not gonna staff the cash, let them. Because I don't have to stand here. I could leave.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And how is stressing about this right now and allowing this to drain my time and energy? Because I could stand in this line and I could call somebody and like check in. I could stand in the line and just practice being present. I could stand in the line and text somebody that I'm thinking about. There's a lot that I can do. But instead I'm focusing on the one thing that I can't control, which is that this garden center isn't staffed properly. And somehow I think I know how to run it better than the manager. And I'm draining my energy, which then by the way, starts to impact the rest of my day. And so I just started to notice that next day, my God, traffic. Let them do construction on a Monday morning. How stupid are they? Well, okay, we'll let them. Or if my husband left something inside the entryway and it was right, let him. And I noticed, my God, like, there are so many moments during the day where someone else's behavior is actually bothering me. And I'll give you another example that came up. This is something we can all relate to. If you pull open your favorite social media account and you go to create a new post, you're gonna notice something. Once you learn the let them theory, you're gonna notice that as you start to select a reel or a photo and you start to examine it and you're like, oh, should I put on a filter? Should I do that? Oh, no, is it this one? Is it that? And then you write the caption. You're like, is this too much? Is this too little? Should I put an emojis? Like, should I link to this? Should I do that? What's happening in that moment is you're giving your power to other people's opinions.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And you're managing the photo that you put up and the caption that you write because you're trying to control what somebody's going to think in response to what you're doing. And you're missing a critical thing. Your social media is for you. I'm going to say it again. Your social media is for you. It is your self expression.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And yet just that simple act of posting something is a moment where everybody gives power away because you are now focused and putting more priority on what other people are gonna think about this. Rather than just say, let them, let them think a negative thought. Let them unfollow you let them have an opinion, let them object, let them comment, let them do whatever they're gonna do because you can't control it.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And then you come back to the second part, which is, let me remind myself, this is my social media. This is for me. Let me remind myself that if I post something that aligns with who I am and that I think is cool, then that's how you win in life. It's by taking your power back and focusing on what actually works for you. And too often in life, what I started to notice, the more that I said, let them, Whether it was friends that went out without me and I see them out for brunch, and of course it hurts. You're like, oh, God, I wanted to be there. But we then sit with that instead of going, let them. They're allowed to go out without you. Not everything's personal. Let them live their lives and then pull it back and go, well, if I'm upset about this, let me figure out what I want to do about it. You know, other people are not responsible for your social life. And adult friendship isn't transactional and it's not a group sport. So if you're not happy because you're not being included, what are you gonna do about it? Don't send the passive aggressive text. How about planning a lunch? How about being more proactive? How about letting people reveal who they are so you can choose how much time and energy you're gonna pour into the relationship? And what started to happen for me is I was just simply saying, let them, let them, let them. Is. I was startled by how often other people's behavior was impacting me or how often I was acting in a way or navigating my life or business because I was trying to navigate somebody else's emotions or manage or manipulate somebody's opinion. And so I went to social media because whenever I kind of stumble onto something, I always share it. And I just put up this 60 second reel that literally was like, you know, so a couple days ago, this thing, and I was referring to Kendall grabbing my arm and I said, if your friends aren't inviting you to brunch, let them. If the person that you want to date doesn't want a commitment, let them. If your kids don't want to get up this weekend and go to the flea market, let them. You know, you're spending too much of your time and energy managing other people. There's an easier way to go through life. Let other people reveal who they are. Because people's behavior tells you the truth. Forget about what people say.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Watch what they do. And that tells you what is important to them and where you stand in order of importance. And then you get to choose how you respond.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 3]

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[Mel Robbins]

15 million views in 24 hours. And within a week, let them. Tattoos started rolling in. Next thing you know, USA Today, the Guardian, all these outlets are writing articles, quoting therapists, talking about how this is an extraordinary tool. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I barely even researched this thing yet. And so I did a podcast episode about it and we published that in like October a year ago. And within two and a half months, Apple named it the sixth most shared episode of any episode of any podcast on the planet of the entire year.

[Co-Host 1]

And it was just you talking about this idea.

[Mel Robbins]

Uh huh. Based on the research I had started doing and based on all of the accounts of people. And then I did this deep analysis and I pulled in my daughter who had been working in marketing at a massive global cybersecurity firm. So she's like a unbelievable genius at systems thinking. And I said, I want you to just take all of the comments and do a massive sentiment analysis of what you're seeing around the world on our YouTube channel, on the podcast stuff in the inbox. And I mean, and when you have like 21 million followers and one of the top podcasts in the world, you have a huge focus group. And so we gathered all of the real data from people around the world that had literally just heard about this thing as we had talked about it and started using it. And that's another reason why I love it. The reason why I love it is it's a tool, it's not a concept. And if we go back to letting go, letting go is an idea. It's very difficult to implement. Yeah, but let them when you say it is a tool. And what you're doing when you say let them, and this is where I get into the research on it, is that it is leveraging stoicism, detachment theory, radical acceptance, and Buddhism into words. Because when you say let them, you are acknowledging that something is beyond your control. And so you're basically detaching from it emotionally, which means you rise up and you feel a little superior to it. And it's kind of like allowing something without allowing it. So if you Say it was somebody who's gaslighting you. I never said that. Or who's engaging in behavior that's just not respectful. And you say to yourself, let them. You're acknowledging it's not your job to control that person. It's your job to see somebody for who they are. And then you go to step two. And step two is what we discovered in the research. Because what my daughter found as she was doing all of this analysis is that people were starting to report that this thing's amazing. I'm saying, let them. I'm feeling peaceful. I'm feeling more in control. I'm not triggered by other people. I'm feeling less anxiety. I'm feeling more in control of my life. But now that I'm letting people be who they are, I'm noticing my friends don't reciprocate. Interesting that I'm the one that always calls. I'm noticing that my brother or sister, you know, I'm the one interested in them, but they're all about them. And so now I'm starting to feel very lonely. And this is a common theme that people say when they start using it. And if you find that you're saying, let them, and you're feeling lonely, you're using it wrong. Because there's a second part, and the second part is saying, let me let them, is when you acknowledge I can't control that, so I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it.

[Co-Host 1]

Right?

[Mel Robbins]

Let me is where you now prompt yourself and remind yourself that you always have something you can control. And it's three things. I can choose what I think about this. I can choose what I do or not do. Because sometimes not doing something is the power move, right? And I can choose how I'm gonna process my emotions about this. Those three things are always in your control. And through your thoughts, your actions, and your emotional response, you can actually make any situation better. And when we started to then roll out and talk about the let me part, that notion about loneliness disappeared. Because let's say that you're the kind of person that is the organizer with your friends. You're the one reaching out. You're the one that makes the plans. And then you start to say, let them, and you notice people don't call back. They don't invite you anywhere. And you're like, gee, well, this has been great. And here's the thing, though. You get to choose. So let me decide what to do about it. And you might decide that, oh, I just have a lot of friends who are very introverted. And I'm the social person, and that's just my role in life. And I'm gonna embrace it instead of being transactional and tit for tat. Yeah, you might say, oh, okay. Well, I think in this phase of my life, I really wanna prioritize friendships where there's more mutual exchange. Doesn't mean you have to ice out other people. Cause you need to be, I think, very flexible with people. And what I also love about this theory is you're not making people wrong. You're allowing people to be themselves. And then you're deciding what you're gonna pour your time and energy into. It actually creates more compassion. It creates more space for people to be who they are and for you to just kind of operate accordingly. And so you get to choose that family matters to you. In the case of your siblings, there's a lot of people that wanna be very close with their family, but they don't feel like they get it back. And so you get to choose if that's the case. If you value family enough to be the one that reaches out to be the one that organizes everyone, to be the one that puts the differences aside or is able to hold space for somebody's opinion that is different than yours. Because you know that you gotta let them. And we go deep into the research around how, since we all have this need for control. There's very interesting research about the fact that if I'll back it up and say it this way, our brains are wired to move towards what's easy. This is why it's hard to get in shape. Because sitting on the couch is easy. We are wired to move away from what feels hard. And if you understand that, you'll also understand the next point I'm gonna make, which is you'll never be able to change another person. Because people only change when they feel like it's. And a lot of people don't feel like changing or they're not in a position to change either because they're overwhelmed by their life right now, or they have a mental health struggle. And there's this incredible doctor you should have on Dr. Stuart Ablon, who has this sentence that he said to me last week. He's been in practice at Mass General Brigham in Boston for 30 years. People do well when they can. And if they can't do well, it's typically because there is some skill that is missing around communication or emotional regulation or impulse control. And when you really take a more compassionate approach to people, that People do well when they can. And if somebody's very challenging, they probably can't be another way right now. So if you learn to let them, what's really interesting is this. Like, let's say you have a really challenging family member. Everybody's got somebody that's slightly narcissistic in their family or super dramatic or just super annoying. As you go into a family situation knowing that person's gonna be there, how do you feel?

[Co-Host 2]

Anxious.

[Mel Robbins]

Mm.

[Co-Host 1]

That's what I was gonna say. She stole my answer.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. Like, bracing, right?

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You're like, I know how this is gonna go. And so you're now bracing. What if instead you just said, let them.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And you recognize their own person. Let an adult be an adult and recognize it's not your job to parent them. It's not your job to smooth things over. Your job and responsibility. And let's look at the word responsibility. It's the ability to respond. Your responsibility is to really focus on the energy you're gonna bring.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because we forget that you can leave any conversation. You can leave any date. You can leave any dinner table with your family. You can leave any situation in life, which means you always have power. You get to choose how you participate. And what I find interesting about families is when I think about family, and it's one of my deep values to prioritize family, I like to envision a spiderweb. And if you're out in the morning taking a walk, you see the spider web, and it's got all the dew all over it.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Historically, in most families, the person who has the most challenging personality typically is the one that tap, tap, tap, tap, taps that web and all the dew shakes. And we all dance around and tiptoe on eggshells and walk around this one challenging person.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I want you to consider a really amazing thought. The opposite is also true. Imagine the power that a person who is emotionally mature and grounded in their body and peaceful and powerful at the same time. Imagine how much power that person has. You are a diffusing force to that other energy.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because you don't get sucked into it, and you just let them. And there is something so powerful about being the person that brings the energy that is calming and assuring and graceful and powerful and certain. And it's available to all of us.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so if you have challenging people in your life, saying let them isn't about being a doormat. It's about recognizing it's not your job to fix that person. And that person is Only going to evolve if they choose to. Your job is to show up with a level of energy and in a way that makes you proud of yourself and to recognize that you got more power than this idiot that has challenging behavior. And you have way more power when you don't get sucked into it.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2]

It sounds like. It almost sounds like too good to be true. Like, what would you say to someone? I'm like, oh, yeah, let them.

[Co-Host 3]

But, like, how do you.

[Co-Host 2]

Like, how do you go about, like, implementing that?

[Mel Robbins]

I don't know. Give me a situation where you.

[Co-Host 1]

Well, that was gonna be my question at the beginning, but you've. You've explained a good amount of my concerns.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, give me a concern.

[Co-Host 1]

Well, at the beginning, it was just like. So when you were talking about the little things that frustrate you, the garden store and the rain and the taco stand and everything, then I understood why my wife told me this morning that I should use this in my life.

[Mel Robbins]

Because you get stressed out by people.

[Co-Host 1]

Yes. Or just by little things. Little things. Like when you were talking about the line, it's like, that stuff will piss me off, or I'm driving and another drink driver. Like, I. I'll let those little things just, like, spiral.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

And really frustrate me.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

And then you're right. It. It. You're now in that mindset and you're ruining the rest of your day.

[Mel Robbins]

Correct.

[Co-Host 1]

Ruining these great moments that can be happening because you're still pissed off about the guy who, you know, didn't turn left when the light went red. Like, so. I understood at that moment why she told me that I should try this. But my first concern was, yeah, I agree with you in what you're saying. Sounds great, but is it really that easy?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

That's the. How do I go from being frustrated over all these little things and letting them, you know, dictate the rest of my day to snapping my fingers and saying, yeah, he didn't turn left when the light turned red, but let him. And then I just, like. It seems like it will be hard for me to just snap my fingers and let myself.

[Co-Host 2]

We're going to the Apple store after this because Taylor's photo's been messed up.

[Mel Robbins]

Here's why it's easy. You're going to feel a rush of power and peace, and then you're gonna recognize something that changes your life. Your entire experience of life is determined by what you pour your time and energy into.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And when you start to recognize how often your energy, which is your life, Force is drained by meaningless things, you'll start to protect it. And when you start to see how often you waste time on things that you can't control or things that in the long run don't really matter, you'll get so much time back, time that you can use for yourself for your relationships, for your creative projects, for your business, for everything. And so for anybody that feels tired or stuck or overwhelmed or like you never have time, you're always last on your list. My message is very simple. The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you've unknowingly given to everybody else. And this helps you take your power back, which is why it's easy to implement. And I want to be very clear about something. Let them is not a license to be a doormat. You're not just going to let somebody abuse you. What you're doing when you say let them is you're recognizing this person is who they are, and their behavior is the truth, and they're not changing. I have to let them and their behavior reveal who they are to me. And I got to see it very clearly. And one of the reasons why a lot of us tolerate less than we deserve, whether it's whether we're dating somebody or it's a family relationship or it's the way you're getting treated at work is because we explain away behavior. We see what people are doing to us, but we don't let them. We're like, oh, well, this that they're ta da da, da, da, da, da. No, let them. This is who this person is. When they are stressed out, they scream at you. That is not okay. So you say let them, because you acknowledge the power isn't in trying to manage their stress. The power is in me going, let me decide what I'm gonna do. Am I gonna stay in this job? Am I gonna say something? Cause you could literally say to them, look, I get that work is stressing you out. This used to be me. I would come home after a really stressful day running the company that I run, and I'd then take it out of my family.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Barking at the kids, stressed out at Chris, my phone in my face. And I would always blame work. I'm sorry. I'm just so stressed because of work. So my kids and my husband can't actually control the stress that I feel. They have zero control over what's happening in my life and my work. But they can control what they say to me in response to it. And they can easily say, hey, mom, really sorry about all the work stress and how it's impacting you. But you're gonna have to apologize to me for how your stress is impacting me. Not okay. That's a different way to handle something because you then separate yourself from having to manage somebody else, which you're never gonna be able to do. But you recognize. Cause these are ultimately boundaries. And what then happens is you are giving somebody the space to have their own experience in their own life.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And you're recognizing that the fastest and best way to love somebody is to actually love them as they are and to let them feel their emotions and to let them deal with their struggles. With your support, of course. But it's not your job to rescue people. It's not your job to make them happy. It's not your job to insulate your parents from disappointment or from like, being upset or anything. Just let them.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 3]

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[Co-Host 1]

I feel like a lot of this is like judgment too, right? Like, I just feel like for people that, for anybody, you know, that just judges people, anyone for anything, I have somebody in mind. Okay. You know, think of that.

[Mel Robbins]

We all have that person. I'm sure as you're listening to Taylor talking like, oh yeah, I know who.

[Co-Host 1]

It that judgmental person. I feel like this, like I would want to give them this book.

[Mel Robbins]

This is the best gift you could give to any human being. First of all, because everybody on the planet's gonna be reading this. This idea is so powerful and the reception to this. It debuted on Amazon at number two and it's not even out.

[Co-Host 2]

It's crazy.

[Mel Robbins]

It's because it's a tool leveraged in deep research that actually helps you do two things. Number one, you're gonna stop making other people a problem.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because other people should be one of the greatest sources of joy and happiness and inspiration in your life. And we turn them into a problem because we worry about what they think. Just let them Think negative thoughts. Just let them. I'll give you an example. So Chris and I have been together for 30 years. I love the man. I have a negative thought about him every damn day, literally. Whether his breath is bad or he wakes up. When you get older, you have gas, it's like, wah. You know, when you wake up, you're like, oh, God, that's disgusting.

[Co-Host 4]

Right?

[Mel Robbins]

I love him. Two things can be true at the same time. You can love somebody and think something negative, and the average person has 70,000 thoughts a day. I can't control half of the shit that pops in my mind. So what makes you think you can crawl up into your spouse's head and manage what they think? You can't.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

What's very freeing is to just not manage it at all and just let them have a negative thought. And then focus on how you operate so that you're proud of yourself. Because when you're proud of yourself, you know who you are, and you're not particularly concerned about what other people's opinions are, so you can let them have those opinions. We get in trouble with other people's opinions because we are not actually proud of ourselves. We don't know who we are. So we look to everybody else to see if they can tell us. And that's why we're so worried about what everybody else thinks. But if you can just let people think a negative thought about you and carry on and focus on the things that make you proud, you will show up very differently in your life. And it's important to kind of understand that because so many of us navigate our lives based on what we think we should do or what expectations are, or feeling guilty. And I'll give you another example. I used to be plagued by feeling guilty that I wasn't a good daughter. My parents live in the Midwest. My husband and I raised our kids on the East Coast. We don't see each other as much as I would love to see each other. And every time we're not together for the holidays, of course my folks are disappointed. And it used to make me feel so bad. It doesn't anymore, because I can let them be disappointed. And let's just unpack that.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay. Wow. Okay. That one. Really?

[Co-Host 1]

Because I get that. So, yeah, that sounds nice. But what's the next step? I wish that I could just let somebody be disappointed.

[Co-Host 2]

This is, I feel, like, a very good insight into, like, who we are. I'm definitely more of the foo fooey. Like, oh, I'll give anything a try. Like, I'LL like anything that is like, you know, like EMDR therapy, I love.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 3]

Do it. Like it.

[Co-Host 2]

Like, I feel like this is, like.

[Co-Host 1]

A very good representation of how I'm not. Yes, you're right. But I'm not saying that I'm not believing this. I'm just trying to figure out what, for me, how I do that, because I, like, I get my feelings hurt easily. I. You know, I don't want to disappoint people. I am a pleaser. Like, so if. If I. If I was having. In the scenario where I feel like, you know, I'm doing something that is disappointing my parents, great, they're upset with me or a friend, I just need to shift my mindset and be like, they're gonna be upset with me. But then I think about the repercussions.

[Mel Robbins]

Now, hold on a second, though. Let me unpack this with you, because this is gonna literally change your life.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2]

I'm so excited.

[Mel Robbins]

Let's think about disappointment. If you're not going home for the holidays and your parents are disappointed, isn't that a good thing?

[Co-Host 1]

Because they want to spend time with me?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 1]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

They're disappointed because they love you.

[Co-Host 4]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

What's the alternative? Thank God that asshole's not coming home.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So disappointment is actually a sign that your relationship is great because they want to see you. And here's where the let them theory comes in. Let them be disappointed. Your parents are allowed to have those emotions, and your job is not managing their emotions. Your job is not managing their expectations. Your job is being the best version of you and allowing the people that you love to have their experience. And so when you let them be disappointed, it's a way of loving people. And then you come to the second part, which is, let me. Let me really drop into my values and let me decide how I'm going to think, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to process my own feelings. Right? Because disappointment, love, and grief, it all is kind of the same stuff. And if you want to change your plans because it makes you feel good, do it for that reason, because it's then aligned with what you value. There's a big difference between changing plans and going to see your parents because you feel bad that they're disappointed and you feel guilty. When you operate out of guilt, you actually turn your parents or your friends into the villain because you're now doing it because of them. Don't go see your parents because it makes your parents feel good and it makes your parents think You're a good son. Go see your parents because it's aligned with your values, and it makes you feel good, and it makes you know you're a good son based on your terms. But when you say let them, you hold space for people to be who they are and to feel what they need to feel and to process what they need to process. And I personally think it's the best way to love people, because when I think about love, I think love is two things. I think it's consideration, and consideration is just having someone else in mind. So when I make my daughter a cup of coffee in the morning and I use oat milk instead of cow milk, that's having her in mind. That's an act of love. The second part of love is admiration. Admiration is simply being able to look at somebody and some aspect of them and be very fond of that aspect of them. You can have a situation where your parents are very disappointed by some decision that you're making, and you can actually look at them and say, let them, and admire that. That's their reaction because they care so much. And allowing them to be disappointed without making it your job to bend over backwards to try to make all that emotion go away. It liberates you, and it changes your relationship profoundly.

[Co-Host 1]

You touched on it a little bit. But how. How specifically has implementing this into your life changed or affected your relationships, your. Your marriage, your. Your relationship, you know, as a parent, your friendships.

[Mel Robbins]

Everything? Because I am now working with human behavior, so I'll take them one by one. My marriage to Chris, it has just allowed me to stop parenting him. And even though we have a great marriage and we've been through hell and back, and he's my favorite person on the planet, there are things that used to irritate the hell out of me. One of them being that I'm a very, very fast processor, and I talk, talk, talk, talk, talk to work things out. Chris is like you. He is more quiet. He is an internal processor, and he kind of goes into his corner and retreats. And he has this thing where he. As he's contemplating. I don't know if you do this, but my husband will ask me a question, and it takes him literally. Like, there's peanut butter in his mouth. Like, just spit it out. What is the question? And I'm in my head, like, come on, come on, come on, come on. And it used to drive me crazy. And then before the guy would even get his question out, I'd be, like, talking on top of him. So now I Just say, let him. Like I say silent, let him. And what I do is I create space for him to be him. And he uses it with me probably more than I use it with him, because I'm wildly irritating, and I have major adhd. And so if you were to walk into our bathroom, my husband's counter looks like. It literally looks like if you went to a minimalist hotel. Like, he's Buddhist. He leads men's retreats. He's a death doula. He is Mr. Like, Zen. So there's nothing. If you go to my counter, it looks like somebody tipped over a display at CVS and it landed on top of my counter. It drives Chris insane. Letter, letter. I run late. Letter. Another thing that drives him crazy about me is the cardboard boxes that get delivered every day. Chris is Mr. Recycle. He likes to unpack those suckers, hit them with the knife, flatten those things, stack them neatly in the garage. Yeah, mine too. I can't stand it. I don't know what it is. And so I would stack them up like some sort of Tetris pile next to the door to the garage. And here's what happened. And this is where I think this gets important to distinguish, because this doesn't mean you tolerate behavior.

[Co-Host 2]

I was gonna ask that.

[Mel Robbins]

Nope. It means you recognize that there's something that somebody else is doing, and it's stressing you out or bothering you or offending you. But when you say let them, you detach from trying to control them, and you come back to, how am I gonna respond to this? And the best way to respond to behavior that you would like to see changed that's impacting you is to tell somebody about the impact. Don't tell them what to do. And what Chris did is he sat me down because he would just get so mad at me and be like, can't you just put the bot? And then, of course, I'd push back because he's now trying to control me. So I'm pushing back, and it becomes a standoff about something stupid. And so he said, you know, Mel, I have asked you a number of times to please just flatten the boxes, take them to the garage. It's not that hard. And every time I see the cardboard boxes stacked up next to the door and I walk past them, it's like a giant cardboard middle finger at me. That makes me feel like you think I'm your maid. And now there's a big difference between what somebody intends and the actual impact it has on somebody else.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And so he communicated how my behavior was impacting him. And now here's the hard part. He has to let me, because he can't control whether or not the next time I'm going to flatten the box. But my behavior, after he tells me how it impacts him, tells him where he stands in my life. And that's an important thing to pay attention to, because if you're with somebody who you repeatedly communicate your needs to and they do not respond, you are not with the right person. And this person is never going to respond because their behavior is telling you either they don't want to or they can't. And so you gotta choose. Are you gonna stay with this person? And so in my case, nine times outta 10, I flatten the boxes and I remember. And then there are plenty of times where I don't, but I will. I just saw my daughter literally go, she does not that attention. And so let her. She's like nine times out of ten. But I literally do a very good job at this. And if I don't and I've left the house, I'll literally text and be like, oh, my God, I forgot to do the boxes. I swear to God, I will get it when you're. You don't need to do it because I care about how my behavior impacts him. Right. Does that make sense?

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah. It's not the boxes that you're concerned about. It's the middle finger.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Co-Host 4]

You don't.

[Mel Robbins]

The other thing that I'm really excited about in terms of people learning about this is I think this will transform the way people approach dating. Because one of the single biggest problems that I see is that everybody's so afraid of being single. And there's such a huge conversation about how toxic the dating culture is now that a lot of people, at least in my world, what I'm seeing is that people are so obsessed with chasing and with the fantasy in their head that you do not accept the reality of the person who you're sleeping next to. And being there for the potential just creates resentment. Like, would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who's only with you cause they think you're gonna get better, Right?

[Co-Host 4]

No.

[Mel Robbins]

No. And we ignore problems. We explain away problems. Cause we don't wanna be the single friend. We don't wanna be out on the market again. We don't wanna go through the heartbreak again. And so you put up with less than you deserve and you say, oh, well, I'm confused. Oh, well, these are mixed signals. Oh, well, maybe it'll get better. Oh, well, maybe. You know the fact that every time we hook up, they scurry away in the morning, that's not really a thing. It's a big thing. And again, you can't control what somebody else does. You can't control whether or not they choose to like you back. But you can control who you spend your time with.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And what you accept. And too many people are accepting less than the treatment they deserve because they're up here in their heads, scared to be single, scared they're not gonna find the one. Scared because there's toxic stuff. And here's the thing, there are people all around you. Everyone's bitching about online dating. Are you talking to people in the line behind you?

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

I mean, everyone's like, I'm not dating. I'm offline. I'm like, okay, but if you wanna meet somebody, there's people all around you.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Are you talking to people? Are you going first? Are you putting yourself out there? Or are you waiting for somebody to come pick you? Yeah, that's a huge mistake. Because there's 8 billion people on this planet, and the person that is the love of your life could be sitting two tables over at the coffee shop next to you twice a week when you walk in there. But if you're looking at your phone all the time and you're sucked into this and you're letting it stress you out and you're buying into all that stuff, you're giving your power to your phone. You're giving your power to what's happening online. And you're forgetting that you have power through your actions and through your thinking and through how you process your emotion. You don't have to play the game.

[Co-Host 4]

I know.

[Co-Host 1]

That's the scary part. In my opinion. I haven't dated in quite a while.

[Mel Robbins]

God, I hope not.

[Co-Host 2]

Me too.

[Co-Host 1]

But it's like, this is where the phone is where, like, today I feel like everybody thinks they're going to meet their person.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, that's what the research shows too, because that's where everybody's online. But I actually think if you take an approach where you're open to meeting people everywhere you go, and you take an I'll go first approach, you say hello to the barista.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

You, like, talk to the people sitting next to you. When you're open to meeting people, you meet people. When you think the only way that you date is online, you've actually given all the power to the app and you're forgetting that you actually have so much more power in your life.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Here's an interesting thing. So the book is divided into eight sections, each section diving deep into either one of the four areas where you make other people a problem for you, which is worrying about what they think, managing their emotions. Chronic comparison is another thing that you're doing and allowing them to stress you out. The other four chapters are how you use the let them theory to influence other people. To change how you support somebody through a struggle without enabling them. The new rules of adult friendship. Because friendship and the rules of friendship change profoundly when you turn 20. And most people do not see this coming, and they screw up their friendships because of it. And the final section is all about love. And one of the most challenging things about love is people get to choose who and how they love. And sometimes they don't choose you. And compatibility is the single most important aspect of being with somebody. You can be highly attracted to somebody and desire them. You can be committed to them but not compatible. And if you're not compatible, then you're never gonna make it. And the issue of commitment is really important because if you're with somebody and you wanna take it to the next level, it is imperative that you do what your friend did, which is you're very direct about it. And in the book, I walk through this specific script that is a really great way to talk about it. And the way that you talk about it using the let them theory is you basically remind yourself, I need to let this person be who they are. I need to let this person make their choice. But I also have to honor myself. When you get to a point where you're hinting or you're hoping or you're wishing that the hookups are turning into something, or you want to move in, but they won't, or you want to be introduced to your parents, but they won't, or you wanna put a label on it, but they don't wanna put labels on it. There's a big, big indication that you're not on the same page. And so you gotta say to yourself, I gotta let them be honest with where they are. I gotta let them walk out the door if they're going to. But I've gotten to a point where I know I want a commitment. And if I spend any more time with somebody who doesn't, I'm actually the problem. Because I'm now wasting time with somebody who doesn't want what I want. And I'm doing it hoping they change their mind. And I think we've all Been in that situation where you hang on and you insert yourself and you're always around hoping that they're gonna commit to you. Nobody's committing to you when you're a convenience. And that's a really hard thing to admit to yourself. I'm not a priority. I'm a convenience. If they're texting you, that's nothing. People text you when they're bored.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

If they want to see you, they're going to see you. And the question starts to become, why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to see you? Why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to put a label on it? Why do you want to be with somebody that's embarrassed by you around your friends? Why do you want to be with somebody that leaves first thing in the morning, sneaks out like a stray cat? Like, what the fuck is that? And so when you go to set up the conversation, you're not gonna focus on them, you're gonna focus on you. And this is the power move. You basically say, I have loved spending time with you. This has been fantastic. I think you're an amazing person. And I just know myself. I only wanna spend time and pour energy into a relationship with somebody that wants the same things that I want. And I've gotten to that point with you. And what I would like to do is do X. And if you don't see that and you don't want that, that's totally fine. But I wanna have the conversation now because I really value my time and energy. And if this isn't going where I would like it to go, then I'm not gonna continue putting time and energy into this, even though it's been great. Now, when you hear somebody talk about, I didn't say anything. Like, you've been leading me on and it's time. I love you. You told me. No, it's about, I value my time and energy.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Now, when somebody says that, what do.

[Co-Host 1]

You think I understand? Like, hopefully everybody would respect that.

[Mel Robbins]

But you know what else you do? You go, oh, shit, I'd like to be with a person like that.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah, you'd think.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And if the person doesn't, thank God, let them walk out the door.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And I know it sucks to be back out there. I know it sucks to be single again. I know that you're like, jesus, I just wasted another fucking nine months.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

But if you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this conversation brings you one step closer to them, Wouldn't you have that conversation? Of course, most people won't.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

That's why you gotta learn to let them.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Because the control is not in them. It's always with you.

[Co-Host 4]

Amen.

[Co-Host 2]

We're making him listen to this podcast.

[Co-Host 1]

I know.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, so one other thing about that. There's really interesting research about being in a situation where you're in relationships with people that won't commit. Because there's two scenarios. If this is a one off, no problem. If this is a pattern. And you know it's a pattern because if you look at your dating history, you date projects, meaning people you're trying to fix, or you pick people that aren't available, or you meet people by cheating. Right. Or you. This is this person. Red flag, red flag, red flag. But you. Or whenever the breakup happens, you're constantly going, they were so crazy. You know, it's always them. If this has happened to you more than twice, it's actually a pattern.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And this is going to keep happening based on the research, and I write about it in the last section of the book. If this is a pattern that you're chronically with and in relationships with people that don't actually commit to you, the research is very clear that this is a pattern and it's not going to end. And one of the biggest recommendations is that you not be in a relationship for a year. This is based on the research because you actually have to figure out what is it about your past and about your experience of love that has you find yourself attracted to people that are not mentally available to you. And until you solve the deeper issue, you will forever repeat this pattern. Because patterns are designed to repeat. You don't break them. You have to replace them with something different.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 3]

Oh, I liked that.

[Co-Host 2]

Oh, that's good.

[Co-Host 3]

Sorry.

[Co-Host 2]

I love a good analogy.

[Co-Host 1]

You should do this for a living. Ever considered it?

[Co-Host 2]

It's so good.

[Mel Robbins]

Got the basics from this. But I'm gonna tell you something. Everybody on the planet is gonna be saying, let them. And you wanna know what this is? And if you really want your relationships to change, have the people that you care about read this book. Because it will give them the power to take control of their life. It really will. Like it is the single. I've done a lot of things in my career and it is a abs. It just is jaw dropping. To me, the millions and millions of people that listen to the podcast and the people's lives that have been impacted by the things that I share, largely, by the way, by Fucking up my own life. I figure these things out the hard way.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

And my mission is that if I can save anybody else the headache and the heartache that I've caused myself or the people that I care about because I just didn't know better, that's what I want to do. If I can give you a shortcut that helps you access your power, I will not stop until I find it and I share it with you. And so one of the things that I'm really excited about is this is the single most important thing I think I will ever do. I do think this is the legacy that I'm gonna leave.

[Co-Host 3]

Wow.

[Mel Robbins]

That's how powerful this is.

[Co-Host 4]

Wow.

[Co-Host 1]

That's awesome. I. Seriously, I can't wait to read it. And I can't wait to read it for myself. And also, I'm gonna buy several copies for people that I care about.

[Co-Host 2]

We're just gonna start handing them out every time my friends come over.

[Co-Host 1]

Yeah, Right. Like, that's just gonna be the Christmas gift.

[Mel Robbins]

Well, what you're gonna notice is the one thing that's interesting is you will notice how everybody around you is caught up in so much drama, and you're gonna turn be like, have you ever heard a leptin theory? What if you just let your boss be a dick and you find a different job?

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

Like, there's 8 million job postings on LinkedIn right now. You're not stuck in your job.

[Co-Host 2]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 1]

You do have the control.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. If you're willing to let go of what you can't control, it's almost like drinking. You can't be sober until you stop drinking. You can't take control of your own life until you stop trying to control everything and everyone around you.

[Co-Host 4]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 1]

So good.

[Co-Host 2]

It's so good.

[Co-Host 1]

Thank you so much.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you.

[Co-Host 1]

It was such an honor to have you here today. We just. You know, it's like it doesn't even feel real that you're here right now. Appreciate it.

[Mel Robbins]

You're welcome.

[Co-Host 1]

Thanks for being here.

[Mel Robbins]

Thanks for inviting me. Congrats on the show.

[Co-Host 1]

Of course.

[Mel Robbins]

Ra.